The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 40-42: Strip Club Madness

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

So some dumb bastard decided to let Jackie loose in a male strip club on Saturday night. The results? Terrifying. In addition to that, we’ve got conservatives in Lubbock, TX hosting an affirmative action bake sale, two traffic cops were busted in Los Angeles for appearing in a porn video on the clock and in uniform, and Eddie transfers his hate of Scientologists over to Hasids.

uh eddie i believe you're on prayer oh yeah eddie you gotta pray to the lord all right in the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit amen uh dear god uh please forgive me for accidentally smoking weed in front of that child a couple moments ago one of your lady lady babies. I did not know the child was there until I got high. And then I thought he was a hallucination and turned out

it was an actual child and for this I am sorry. So I will give you one active nutrition right now for you. Oh my god, I'm sorry for my sins and failing to sin and choosing to sin and failing to do good. I sin against you and your church. I firmly intend, with the help of your Son, to make up for my sins and to love as I should.

Pretty nice, yeah. Amen. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable of John Madden. The spinkiest, wittiest podcast ever to exist on your iPod.

This episode is going to be a real hoot and a real nanny. Who are you people? Jack Zyrowski. Wing, wing, hello! Ed Larson. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Holden.

McNeely. It's Kevin Barnett, fresh out of the shower, Ben. Kevin looks good. I'm fresh out of the shower as well. Not quite as clean-smelling as Kevin, though. I'm fresh out of the shower as well. Not quite as clean smelling as Kevin, though. I'm Ben Kissel, and with us we have the very, very not quite as large as it used to be, Travis Irvine. Thanks for being here, buddy.

Thanks for being here. Thanks, guys. America's mayor. I hope you're ready. This is going to affect your political life very negatively. So thanks. I'm looking forward to it. All right.

And then the very soft Nick Turner. Who's that kid? Hell yeah, I like that one. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? Alright, we got some news from Lubbock, Texas. Oh! Long time.

Jingle reading here, boy. Woo-hoo! This one comes from Brother Charlie. Long time. Jingle reading here, boy. This one comes from Brother Charlie, a former member of the Chuckalut here at the Roundtable of Gentlemen. A bake sale. Alumnus. Brother alumnus. The far more attractive brother. Yeah, he's really attractive.

Yeah, he knocks it out of the park. We should have a contest to see who's more attractive, his brother or Kevin's brother. That's a good point. Jackie, what would you do with Charlie that you would never do with Marcus just because he's so much more attractive? Oh, man. He's got the guns, man. I'd fucking lick on him.

I'd oil him up. I'd fucking ride him like a horse. You'd ride his guns? Which way did the gun show? I don't even know how you use guns. I can do whatever I want, man. Now I know how Henry feels. The gun show is in my vagina.

So what story did Charlie send us? There was a bake sale in the Texas Tech Free Speech area where the young conservatives of Texas hosted a bake sale based on affirmative action. That's a fun one. White students had to pay full price.

What was the full price? It didn't say. Yet African Americans and Hispanics were able to buy the cookies at the lower price and Native Americans ate for free. That's awful. I'll tell you one thing. If there's ever been a better time to dress in blackface, this

is it. I am going to get some half-off soda pops, my friend. I'm actually 119th Cherokee, so I'm going to take this for free. That'll show them blacks. It's such a funny argument. They simplified affirmative action

to soda. No, no, no, to cookies. Oh, this was cookies. How come it's free for the Native Americans and only half price for the blacks? Because they only got to eat a maze. Yeah, that's the thing. We enslaved the blacks, but we murdered the Native Americans. So they get a better discount.

Yeah, we didn't murder any blacks, did we? To be fair, the cookies that they gave to the Indians were full of AIDS. Yeah, we didn't murder any blacks, did we? Well, to be fair, the cookies that they gave to the Indians were full of AIDS. Yeah. But of course, in this example, there would be raisins. There you got the raisin cookies. I'm looking at the price sheet right here, and actually, Asians had to pay

more than white people. Really? Oh, that's right. There is a price sheet. Yeah, Asian males, $1.50. Asian females, $1.25. Caucasians, males, $1.00. Caucasian females, $0.75. What? What does that say?

Glee? That would be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual. They just had to suck a dick for it? Yeah. Good. And African Americans, Hispanics, and natives, they all got $0.50. Except for African American females, a quarter, as well as Hispanic females. So men pay more in this

example as well. It's best to keep them happy, because a lot of complaining, a lot of yelling. Give them the cheapest. Treat them like princesses. Why did they do this? What was the point of this? How does this help to erase barriers? Isn't it supposed to be,'t Affirmative Action all about equality?

I just feel like they're so homophobic and conservative they wanted to do a bake sale but they had to guise it in racism somehow so they didn't come off as faggots. We're having a bake sale but it's racist so it. Nothing gay about it. You see, blacks? And that's our new member, Nick. Glad to have you on, Nick. It's about goddamn time! People at Texas Tech, many of them are not bright.

It's not a good school. Wait, it was a college that did it? Yeah, this is where I graduated. Oh, Jesus Christ. What are it was a college that did it? Yeah, this is where I graduated. Oh, Jesus Christ. What are you telling me like I did it? Well, I feel like you would be a part of it. No. Yeah, man, you'd fucking eat that Latina cookies like it was your

quarter job. Yeah, I'd be there in a heartbeat. How many Mexicans do you sleep with in Texas? None. None? You're a fucking racist, man. Who doesn't fuck Mexicans? Well, once I moved up here, I had more... He didn't fuck them in Texas.

He always went down to Mexico. See, Hispanic people don't like me very much for some reason. Why is that? I have no idea. But the Asians, you just become like a washed... You just look like the sheriff that killed their grandfather. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing.

I wonder if these guys go on dates with, like, if they're dating a white chick, it'll just be Dutch. But if they're going out with a black chick, they'll pay 70% of the tab and only make her pay 30. You know, stuff like that. I wonder if they really take this into real life. I mean, I will say, you know, a 50-cent cookie completely erases 150 years of slavery. Everything is coming up black. They got a president now, cheaper cookies. They get to be in Texas.

Everyone loves that. It's a nice warm state. Oh, fuck. Oh my God, you're going to love this. The name of the guy that led it, Germany Kitchen. Oh! Whoa! I feel like he has a belt made of schnitzel.

Yeah. And Germany is spelled with a J. Ah, one of those. He doesn't even know how to spell his own name. Oh, my God. Germany Kitchen is the most arch-villain name I've ever heard in my life. Oh, man. What a champion.

Oh, yeah. I'm scared. Yeah. I mean, I would never want to be in the group that's led by a fellow named Germany Kitchen. That's for damn sure. That's a red flag right there. What about Germany Living Room? What is that cool?

A little cozier, a little more comfortable. I just want Germany and ovens. I just don't want to be one step away. They shouldn't even be allowed to own ovens anymore. We should have took that away

with their fucking army. Absolutely. It'd be like the Dutch. They'd have to fart on their cookies in order to bake them. How did they make Jews into soap, though? Was that in the ovens, too?

Mathematically, through science and stuff like that. They just loved them too much. It's all math. It's a long division. Yeah. It's a long, hard suffering division. I hid myself in them. Yes!

That's a good one, yes! But, like, how was, like, the attendance at this bake? Like, did people go to it? I'd imagine, oh, snap, 50 cent cookies from me out there. People who most likely hate all other people except for whites, they must have been surrounded by Hispanics and Native Americans

for this event. It must have been astonishing. Is there a Black Student Union party going on? Oh no, the racists are having a bake sale. Half off blacks. It's half off for blacks. No, this was covered on KCBD 11 NBC. NBC? WNBC.

Oh my god. So they got the press they wanted, I suppose. Yeah, they did. But the thing is, 448 people recommended this on Facebook. Yeah, they're spreading it around. People like it. Not bad, not bad. Hitting the hot buzz on the streets with these

race cookies. Were they all the same buzz on the streets with these race cookies. Were they all the same cookie or were they different kind of cookies? I mean, I'd like to imagine that they were all the same cookie. Were they all black and white cookies? Oh, that would have been nice. That would have been delicious. Fortune cookies for the Asian people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like the Native American cookie just got rained on. Oh, it's just a little cookie, it's just a sad little cookie. It's just a soggy cookie. It's just an empty napkin that has the cookie stain on it. They're like, there was a cookie there, but then we took it from you. So, sorry, guys, but it's free. Have the napkin. It brought a little more grease on your face.

All right, well, going away from my local news to our local news, New York City. An eight-year-old arrived at a New York City school with a loaded handgun and sold it to a third grader for $3. Ah, that third grader must have been a Native American. That's the cheapest handgun sale I've ever heard of. That's amazing. Good for that kid. He knows a deal. Yeah, you can hold on to it, man.

Oh, yeah. What an idiot. $3? They're just learning fair trade. You know, it's just commerce. Jackie went to the strip club last night. I think it's a good time to bring that one up. Yeah, let's talk about Jackie going to the strip club.

That's right. I have a feeling the mother that you saw dancing was probably the one for this. No, she went to the dude strip club. Oh, yeah. Oh, you went to see Coxhanging? Yeah, man. I went to Hunkamania last night. Right now, Jackie's

showing off her armband, which is Hunkalicious Hunker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to put his abs on the top of my wrist so I can remember what I saw last night. The eyes of the male strippers in that club must have been the exact same eyes of the female strippers of a club when they see Eddie and me come in.

Just like, ah, goddammit, well, I guess I'm working tonight. Ain't no sitting around the night. Get up and dance! Did you scream at the men? What happened? I heard you were an animal. From various sources, I heard that you in particular were a horrible animal.

I threw in for lap dance for Jackie from the biggest, blackest dude in the place. No, I just gave money because I heard they're all going. Oh, man. Take that, blacks. With those sweet cookies and you're taking our best gals? Come on. Man, and Madeline found me. It was a

surprise lap dance. And the thing is, I don't know if it's... A surprise lap dance? Yeah, man. He just, like, he started kissing on my neck and he grabbed my hand. And the thing is, I don't know if it's... The surprise lap dance? Yeah, man. He just, like, he started kissing on my neck, and he grabbed my hand. And the thing is, they bring you into separate rooms. Yeah. And so you're all by yourself, and he's, like, they're very charming. They're really good at what they do. What's so charming about them?

Wow. The huge cocks in your nose? He just, like, they all make you feel like you're the sexiest woman alive. I spent so much fucking money at that strip club last night. It was ridiculous. So what are the things they told you? Ooh, just, I mean, I did make him hard. I'll tell you that.

And it wasn't a lie because he put my hand all over his hard dick. Oh, good. He's just going to have to do more. Yeah, way more than guys get to more yeah way more than guys get to do way more than guys get to do that's the thing that's what I don't

understand because you guys aren't allowed to touch women right in California you can touch them it depends on the girl

yeah these women like I mean people were in the front row like ripping down their underwear like the women

in there were crazy that's why I just like literally was like the entire time because it had entire time and man they just they just love they love it they love doing it and this man he just made me feel so wonderful and it was uh what was the sweetest thing he said to you um i mean it was really more than like he tried to like take off my bra he tried that like it was like intense this does

not work for me no man it was it was crazy it was just like i i got to get out of here it was i mean they're just kissing on you and they're like pouring drinks down your mouth and i just like you have to pay for those drinks uh no few of them i didn't have to pay for which was awesome very nice but now i feel like any man i see i can do whatever i want if i just like feel on their ass try to pay uh kevin a little while ago to uh take his shirt off i'm gonna put a fucking dollar down your pants and you're gonna take your fucking shirt off i believe was the phrase yeah that's the exact quote i think barnett's wasting his time in the moving business man man. I think if you just shlack him.

I'm not a mover anymore. What do you do now? I said, we've said this before. He's a bar fast. We've said it before. Michael Che's a mover. I don't listen, man. You know I don't listen.

I just see your body. And that's all I see anymore. I literally feel like I can just grab on any man that I see that's in my vicinity. And if you shove a dollar into their mouth, have to let you this is gonna ruin your relationship this is the thing that's gonna ruin i think this might be the straw man this might be right outside no man he's not listening to this. It's fine. He's fine.

So was it a black dude, a white dude? Who'd you pay for? Oh, yeah. The biggest and the blackest, man. Really? Oh, yeah. See, he couldn't just be the biggest. He also had to be the blackest.

Oh, man. He was from Jamaica. Even just normal black wasn't good enough. The blackest of the black, the biggest of the big. It's got to be both. That one's for Jackie. I was looking through the dudes with uh madeline before she went and i was like that magazine no because online it's like

here's our stars i was like i was like that one i want that one oh my god talking about racism they they uh break it up in the show and on the website of whites uh latinos and blacks. Are there any Asians? Native Americans, too. No, there was one Asian, and he came up to me, and he goes, yo, your girl said that you had an Asian fetish. And I look over at Madeline,

and she's laughing hysterically because I don't, in the slightest, have an Asian fetish. I don't think anybody... Yeah, exactly. Asians are gross. If you're looking at a line

of, like, oiled up, just fucking fine-ass black men, why am am I gonna go for the puny fucking Asian No thank you I can't see it And what I love is that according to all of them They all just came back from Iraq Oh yeah Of course they did

Yeah They're all ex-soldiers, apparently. Tell me, did anyone get thrown out? I mean, besides yourself? No, I didn't get thrown out. I tried. You got asked to leave, yeah. One time, but then it came right back in.

Yeah, exactly, man. I was spending too much money. No way. Now, man, one of the guys. Oh, my God, I just pictured you sliding out of there like a snail, like a snail trail behind you, a female ejaculate. I wore this dress, man. I can't take this dress off because I still smell like him.

That's the dress that he rode you all over? Yeah, man. It's all sticky. God, I feel dirty. It's sticky. Oh, my God. Are there gays in this club? No, all male strippers are gay.

No, they're not. No. He was hard. He was hard. Were there gay dudes enjoying the same service as you were? No, all male strippers are gay. No, they're not. No. He was hard. He was hard. Were there gay dudes enjoying the same service as you were? No, no. It was all just absolutely ravenous women. That's it.

It was just filled with women in like the sluttiest outfits. Men are just trying to rip off their clothes. It was great. It was like a big orgy. If you had just decided to just rip his pants off and suck his dick, that would have happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine it was happening in the other room. Oh, my God.

You can watch that on the porno website. That's a great job. You just dance and get blown, and then you go home. Yeah, but, Jackie, you were probably one of the more attractive gals in there. I mean, I would assume some of the wildebeest that come straight out of the dumpsters just roll right over there back to the dumpster. There was this heinous-looking fucking beast woman that was in the front. She was just huge.

I mean, a woman has to be extremely ugly to have to pay for sex. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. Anyone can get fucked, unless you're just boring, you know? There's a lot of boring girls that can't get fucked either. Yeah. But he picked her up and turned her upside down, and so her panties are showing Her dress is over her head

And he's like eating her out Kind of on stage Yeah through her panties And he's like jumping her up and down This huge woman Oh yeah We're getting robbed and I want to demand equal rights For both males and females in strip clubs

That's a fucking bullshit If the ship club was like this, I would go, man. All the time. I mean, we gotta start going in dresses. It seems like every woman was just, like, wearing a dress. Other than just put your penis right up there and we're just having sex now. That's the thing is that it's almost like pseudo-rape up on the stage. Like, they're, like, taking women and shoving their face into their dicks.

Like, yeah, man. It's crazy, man. It's crazy, man. It's crazy. And I was just screaming the entire time. It was awesome. That's why I don't go to a strip club, man. Because, like, I can go to the club and there's hoes. I go to a strip club, there's hoes over there.

They got nothing to do with me. Like, I don't want to. You just make so much money. You make so much money, guys. I fell asleep the last time I went to a strip club. Seriously. Aren't all male, like, aren't, like all female strip clubs, aren't they mostly boring? Well, there's a place in Florida called the Porthole, which was pretty exciting when I went there.

What was the deal with that there? Well, I mean, it's just a whole bunch of women so desperate for white men. It's phenomenal. Walking in there, I'm not paying full price for a cookie in that establishment, I'll tell you that much. You walk in and it's just like a whole bunch of whatever, and we're the youngest, most attractive people in there.

This is Kep and I. So, you know, if Kep and I are the most attractive people in this joint, everyone looks like an old cigar. They're just all wilty and disgusting, all ashy. And the thing is, the women just come in, they just put your tits. This one chick just came up, put her tits in my face, and she said, feel them. Do you like them?

I just got them two weeks ago. And I was like, they're beautiful. So you have the pick of the litter. I mean, granted, the cats are, you know, damaged, very, very damaged goods. But you can get whoever you want, and then they let you do anything. You can finger bang them if you go in through the butt. Oh, yeah? What?

That seems dirtier. How do you do that? Well, that's how you do it. Wait, what do you mean? When they're lap dancing, you've got to put your hand in their ass and then sneak right up to get to the glory hole there. Oh. The fun part. So you did that.

No, I didn't do it. I could have, though. I mean, I tried to. Well, we won't talk about it. I don't know. though. I mean, I tried to. Well, we won't talk about it. My middle finger is like Sun House. It would sing the saddest blues if it could talk. It's never seen a good time.

Nonetheless. So, Jackie, overall, you had a great experience at this strip club. Yeah, I'll never, I really don't think I'll ever be the same. Are you going to go back? No. Question mark. What is that? Was it in Brooklyn or was it in Manhattan?

Oh, it was in Manhattan, man. Midtown. 39th and 8th. Punkamania. It was awesome, man. And so you just went with Madtown? No, I went with a bunch of girls. Most of the girls were terrified.

They were just like, That's why I just decided, I'm just going to be fucking ferocious. And I was screaming, just like fucking pouring drinks all over my face. Oh my god. I was like, if you're going to be an animal with the rest of the animals, why not? You're allowed to. That's why you're there. Go get crazy.

It's just so weird. You acted like a stripper, but you were paying to do that. Hell yeah, man. I paid so much money, man. How much did you spend over there on that cock? About $150. Yeah. That's not terrible, though.

That's not bad for a strip club. No, no, no. Because in men's strip clubs, it's $50 for a lap dance and you get a $10 tip. Depending on where you're going. Yeah. Well, that's true. 20's the same. In the Hustler Club in New Orleans, I might have dropped like $500 once.

It was a blast. Yeah. We had a great time. We were at a VIP table, though. That was $500. Oh, okay. And we all split it. Right.

A little VIP table. I'll tell you what, man. I made friends with George. Mmm. George was delish. Who was George? George brought me my drinks. He was the one in the Super Mario costume.

Had a big curlicue mustache. Oh, he was Mario. The Asian guy was dressed like Toad. Yeah. I just wish there was a Native American dude in there dressed like Nightwolf from Mortal Kombat no one wants to pick him because he sucks him and the Asian dude are just like best friends just getting drunk on the clock

oh man he's got the lone tear coming out of his eye it's coming right out of his penis he just goes outside and gets rained on that's what he does that's terrifying. That poor Asian boy, he was the punchline for Madeline. Yeah, yikes, man. Did anybody go with him?

No one I saw, that's for sure. Did his package look as big as the other fellas? No, and also he wasn't as ripped. I don't even know why he was there. He was boring to watch. He wasn't as ripped, and he was like an Asian. Sounds like someone's getting fired. Yeah, you gotta cut him. I'd fire him if I was fucking Asian. Sounds like someone's getting fired. Yeah.

You got to cut him. I'd fire him if I ran that place. There's no need for him. Yeah. Got to at least pat it up. We're just going to have to let you go. You're just not bringing the cock. Affirmative action, man.

Affirmative action. That's why he's there. Yeah, we're sending you down the coney, bud. Ah, that's the saddest for the male stripper. I would assume the strip club for men that has the chicks at it is the best one, because I guess these guys probably do the whole circuit. And I'm sure they're all bisexual, because they make most of their money from gay dudes. Gay dudes have all the money. You know, so male strippers got to get it.

Man, you know they just fucking suck each other backstage and then go on stage and dance. And do they dance fully erect, or is it like a 75%... Yeah, they're mostly happy hearties, depending on how they're faux raping the women on stage. They're probably all probably hopped up on Viagra, too, just to stay hard all night, you know, just to keep going for all the ladies. Right. Going nuts all night. I mean, just imagine it's an eight hour shift. Yeah.

It is in Viagra. Like, I mean, going to just make you rock hard for fucking the whole time. Yeah. Drinks and all the tables. Yeah. Isn't Viagra like, I mean, going to just make you rock hard for fucking the whole time? Drinks on all the tables and shit. Then you get fucking paid. Yeah, totally. But she's saying they were like 75%. They were like halfie hard. I feel like they would all have steel rods.

They take a smaller dose. Or you can take Cialis. You know, the Cialis doesn't So you only get erect when you want to. It's the anytime sex drug, apparently. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a Lovitra. You're a Lovitra?

You ever... Anyone here ever eat a dick pill? I took a Viagra and, you know, it was just pointless. I just had a boner the entire night at the bar. And I was just like, I'm going to get fucking so late tonight. But then I didn't realize that you have to have a boner lined up. You still got to talk to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't like the strip club where it was just like I got a huge boner. Ladies! But like none of them. They were just like that's pretty fucking dumb of you to do that. So I just had a boner for five hours and got drunk and it did never go away though. As drunk as I got, never got whiskey dick. And you did

something. I did Cialis once and I did a Viagra once. It's whiskey dick. And you did something. I did Cialis once and I did a Viagra once. It's just for like when you want to go out get fucking hammered. You know, just like drink as much whiskey as you want and then go home and fuck. What you don't want to take is those little

blue pills like coming in the octagon. Those things are fucking, those things are speed demons. Did you take them? Oh yeah, I took them before. I took them like three times. You just like, you know, your face gets all red. You start sweating profusely. You get all crazy.

Your heart starts pumping. And you just have this horrible erection. Yeah, it's like a devil erection. It's not even a happy erection. It's just like, oh, God! Yeah, that's exactly like that. She's screaming. She's like, oh, God!

What do you think happens when women take those pills? I don't know. Just waterfalls. Yeah. It's HC syndrome. What do you think happens when women take those pills? I don't know. Just waterfall. It's HC syndrome. Eddie, you sound like you looked exactly like that Asian dude at the strip club Jackie went to. Just red in the face and sweating with a boner that nobody wanted to touch. That's really sad. Wait, I want to hear more of Jackie's impersonation of an Asian.

All right, that's enough. That's pretty good, though. That's sick, bro. Thank you. You knew Joi Chung Ching. Alright, that's enough. That's pretty good. You knew she was going to do that. You knew it. Taking the bait. I just like how no one can see it, but she still makes the buck teeth face. That's the only way you can get that sound. I'm sorry.

I don't actually think that. Asian people are great. Travis, how's the run for Congress going? We're winning. Good. Nicky, if you were a male stripper, what would your name be? What would you go by to get those gals in? That's a great question, Ben.

I think it would be Hop Singh, and I would be the Asian. All you need is a little racist makeup and you too can be a terrible Asian. Old rice for those cookies, though. We were talking about yesterday, like, what if we did rent out a strip club for a night and do like a comedian strip club for a night.

I don't want to go to a strip club with comedians. I want to watch you guys strip. We'll bring in women. I'm sorry, I need to go you guys strip. We'll bring in women. I'm sorry. I need to go back to Ben's question for a second. The answer is Dick Turner. Thank you. He needed a second to think.

He needed a second to think. Dick Turner is pretty fantastic. I'll tell you what. Who would pay? I mean, no one even comes to watch us do comedy. No one wants to come and see us. Although, watching a murder fish show, I've pretty much seen all of their bodies at some point now. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, going to a murder fish show is basically going to a strip club. The tip of mine is kind of like a spork. Yeah, the strip club, it's like, come in, back, come to Arby's. Then you walk in, it's just a bunch of naked dudes. You're like, oh, this is totally different than I expected it to be. I was expecting roast beef sandwiches. Well, whatever. Yeah, why don't we just do some more, some kind of like naked lunch kind of thing.

We'll all just sit at a big table naked and eat. Oh, it'd be so gross, man. Can we eat ribs? Oh, sure. What does your body look like when you eat, Holden? Oh, I would hate to see the bumps in the gurgle. It'd be like a Culligan water machine. Yeah, it just sort of looks like if you ever place your hand against that thing in the pool that blows the water out.

It sort of makes it quiver. Yeah, an air jet. Yeah, yeah. It looks like the way the skin reacts to that. Yeah, it would be like when a shark bites a fish in half, their skin is all weird and soggy and fat. That's what I imagine it looks like on the inside there. Well, I got a story from Los Angeles over here.

Alright! City officials are looking into allegations that two traffic cops appeared in a porn video while on the job and in uniform. Awesome! It's like, if you're gonna fuck up, you might as well go all the way. Just go all the way.

The video follows the adventures of a woman who approaches men at work. One of the LA officers allegedly fondles and spanks her. The other gets spanked by her and allows her into his city car where she rubs one out. Wow!

What an idiot! He sounds like he just got caught like a fucking moron. Yeah. What's going on with him? Of course they're going to question why is this cop car in his porno? Great thing is that the boss found out about it but did nothing. Oh, yeah. Good job out there.

Because you know they're all looking up cop porn. I mean, every second they get, it's like police. Hey, what's Tommy doing into my porn? Someday my number's going to come in. These are just low-level traffic cops? Yeah. Good for them.

I'm having a great time. Yeah, and it's sexy for men. Especially, like, that's like the ultimate fantasy. Like, real cops, man. I would pay to see that shit. I wouldn't just download it. Oh, nice, nice. But the thing is, they're on the clock. You know, if they would have fucked

on their own time, that's one thing. But, you know, on the clock, you know, they could have been stopping crime instead of they're just, you know, getting blown. Starting crime, yeah. Wouldn't they have gotten in trouble anyway though, just being in uniform, whether they were on the clock or not? Right? Yeah. Yeah, they probably should have taken the uniforms off with the name tag and everything. Yeah, but that

badge numbers at the beginning of the credits. They slate before they start fucking. Well, also in Los Angeles. I mean, everyone wants to be a star in LA though. That's the thing. Yeah, they're not cops. They're actors. That's right. And speaking of which, it was Charlie Sheen and Amelia Estevez, as a matter of fact.

They got fired from being garbage men. It's a men at work joke. Speaking of becoming a star, Scientologists have now bought their own movie studio. Burn it down! Burn it! Burn that shit! I mean, how are they... It's a monster!

I actually don't give a fuck, to be honest with you. I'm actually sick of hating Scientologists. I'm almost embracing it now. Honestly. I am... I'm done. I'm done hating Scientologists. Well, Eddie, when did you have this big turn?

Just now. I just had it right now. You know who I hate? Haseeds. I hate the cynic Jews. Jesus Christ. Wow, what a nice open-minded person you are. Yeah, the other, you know, normal Jews, I love them.

They're my favorite thing in the world. But Haseens are the worst people on the fucking planet. Yeah, but at the same time, nothing does make me happier than to see a wasted Haseen at a bar like in Brooklyn. Oh, my God. I had the best time. It was years ago. There was a Haseen just hammered at this bar, and he was talking to some hipster. And I just overheard the conversation

the hipster's going to the hussy and he's like you go home and you tell your dad that you don't want to fucking do this no more and you I've had that exact same conversation with a hussy dude at second chance oh yeah he approached me in Ragnar and just started talking

was this last night? no this was a few weeks ago. Oh, okay. I enjoyed his company. Oh, yeah. I forget who I was talking to yesterday. I think it was one of Jared's friends, and he was telling me about this Hasidic fellow who had this big laptop on the subway. He was smothered between two people, and he was just laughing his ass off with earphones.

He got off, looked at what he was watching. He was watching old Friends episodes, which was pretty amazing. He was just going crazy. And then we were talking about how it's like Friends episodes is like the movie Gods Must Be Crazy when they got the Coke bottle. That was just his way in. And the next thing you know, he's going to be liking two and a half men, and he's going to move his way up to God knows what sort of features,

and then he's going to be pitching for the Yankees. Yeah, I think like that. I just don't like hostage women. Hostage women kind of drive me fucking crazy, man. what sort of features, and then you'll be pitching for the Yankees. Yeah, I think like, so, it's just a whole other world. I just don't like hostage women. Hostage women kind of drive me fucking crazy, man. is it weird that I'm, sometimes I find them kind of sexy?

Is that kind of weird? You like them all bundled up? Yeah, I think it's because like, I'm just sort of thinking about, they're some hot ones. Yeah, oh yeah,

how can you tell, yeah, you can tell how skinny their ankles are? Yeah, kind of. I feel like I'm in fucking Deadwood. They're not Muslim, I can see

they're not ghosts they do have big sloppy jew titties which is always nice do they look at you guys and discuss the way they look at women and oh yeah okay i met a hostage woman uh the other week and they were not allowed to shake my hand yeah no that pisses me off they can't do business yeah yeah that's men and women not allowed to like touch the. That pisses me off. They can't do business. That's men and women. Not allowed to touch the goyim. I must say, I just don't understand the hair thing at all. Because they wear wigs that look the exact same thing

as their own hair. And it's human hair that they're wearing. So they're just wearing their friend's hair. Just wear your own hair. If you're wearing your hair... I gotta go out and not touch people. I just feel like what's better than hair? Double hair.

It's like a Taco Bell burrito. Every time it's like, we got no ideas. Double up it. Put the burrito outside of the taco. Also, Taco Bell meat and wigs are made of the same amount of hair. That's probably true. 75% soy. Well, I agree.

So you like the Scientology people now better than the Hussites, huh? Absolutely. You know what? I was walking through over in Williamsburg in the shady area the other day. I'm walking through and it's by the projects. I'm like, oh, fuck, man. It gets pretty shady around here. So I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm keeping my guard.

I'm walking around. I'm walking. I'm like, oh, man, it's crazy. Then I start bleeding, and it just immediately goes into Hossy Town. I was so much more scared in Hossy Town. Really? Oh, yeah, all these little kids running around, hitting a wheel with a stick, dressed in stripes.

I thought I was going to be like, fell into the dam. Sounds like a Warsaw ghetto for a minute. You just stumbled into the world's tiniest prison break. Yeah, exactly. The first time I came to New York, I met a couple of friends. Like, hey, let's go out to this Williamsburg place. But we had no idea what we were doing. We just saw, like, oh, the JMZ goes to Williamsburg.

Let's take it there. And so we got off the JMZ. Wrong Williamsburg. And we went on uh like east of broadway over in the hasidic jew town i thought we were gonna die no and it was at night and they were all out like they they're all dressed the same they like look out their windows at you and shit it's fucking weird man i remember one time i was like i think it was like halloween and i was like going i think i was in williamsburg and i was coming back it was like four in the

morning and uh i go around this corner and like the street where nobody is and there's like six of seeds like these dudes probably like in their early 20s just surrounding this puerto rican girl who was just like dressed like sexy as fuck in her halloween thing it looked like they're about to rape this girl they're gonna rape her and looking back i probably should have tried to help this girl but my thought at that time was you guys break free. You go. Yeah, I mean, you never know. It was Halloween. They might have just been dressed as the seeds. Maybe they're

members of the Crips or something. You have sex with one Puerto Rican girl. Your curly Q's fall out. What do you call them things? Curly Q's. Yeah. That's how they get their hair cut. Do you want the regular or the curly Q's? I worked for

a Hasid man that got divorced, which is almost unheard of in their religion, and it was just the two of us. I would go in on the Sabbath. I did it for two weekends, and I never would go back because his place was just filled with paperwork, and he wasn't

allowed to do any work or touch any technology so I had to like turn on all the lights and like use everything for him and drive him places and like sort through his paperwork and then as I was going through all his paperwork it was all divorce paperwork just like thousands of papers all over the apartment and then I started reading while i was there of why he had uh gotten a divorce and it was because he was brutally beating and basically raping his wife yeah um because he didn't want to be um yeah that's how he punished her oh yeah mostly you're so you should go to jail and not be divorced be going to jail and i was terrified i was like ah he goes like you know i'm a little gentile girl in his fucking house he's looking at me You should go to jail and not be divorced. He should be going to jail, and I was terrified. I was like, ah!

Because, you know, I'm a little Gentile girl in his fucking house. He's looking at me like I'm a fucking roast beef. He wants to eat you, man. You may be Gentile, but you ain't gentle. Oh! Oh, wow. Dick Turner! Dick Turner.

Dick Turner's back. Oh, Matt's flopping on the table, Dick Turner. $50 chip See that fucking Beautiful piece of meat Well in the world Of health advice Too much

Direct contact With armadillos Can cause leprosy. Oh, okay. Good. Don't touch them. I know they're creepy anyway. Never even seen an armadillo.

Leprosy's still around? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. In armadillos. Believe it. Yeah. Can you still go... Are there still leprosy towns?

Leper colonies. Leper colonies. Excuse me. I'm asking the questions. Are there still towns full of lepers? Whatever you call that thing? Yes. It's William'sburg. L'm asking the questions. Are there still towns full of lepers, whatever you call that thing? Yes. I think it's Williamsburg.

Lepercy town. Yeah, do they have one we can go to? Detroit? You can go to Detroit anytime you want. They got an airport? No. Road trip! All right, and now that we've given the health advice for this week to all of our listeners,

time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Hey-ho! Hey-ho! This is, uh, that's my new shit that introduces the segment. Segment Ayo! Ayo! Boop, boop, boop! Ayo!

Ayo! You gotta say it if somebody says that. If you do that and no one says Ayo, man. Oh my god, what a fucking bad time. Get your friends. Fuck that shit. All right.

Now that we have the new segment. Dick Turner's theme song. Speaking of Dick Turner, in honor of his being here, since Nick Turner has been fired about 87,000 times, we're talking about firings today in the roundtable. Oh, shit. So, Nick, yeah, you bet. You have some crazy firing stories. You've been, you've, what I love is that you're the thing with the temp work, though, how

you get busted for not actually having graduated college. Oh, yeah, a couple times. Here's the thing. If you haven't graduated college you might be a redneck yeah you cannot get work doing even the dumbest of things

like they'll just be like it's the easiest way to separate out people like when you're looking for attempts they're just like you know college educated doesn't matter what the fucking thing is you'll go and you're stamping for attempts. They're just like, you know, college educated. It doesn't matter what the fucking thing is. You'll go and you're stamping a stamp for three days. And they're like, you know, we'd really appreciate, you know, you got at least a 2.8 if you're going to be stamping.

So I just decided one day, oh, I graduated college. Maybe. And I put that on my resume. What college did you graduate? I did two years at George Mason so I just did four years at George Mason and what big degree did you give yourself? well you know that's the thing

I'm I didn't like I was a theater major so I was like I gotta be A in theater but then that's also like getting a nothing in nothing right yeah yeah yeah

I can't believe you made up the most yeah worthless degree but at least I graduated college you know I don't wanna to like i don't i can't pretend i did something you know so uh and then you know you sign up with a lot of temp agencies they almost never check no but twice they checked and um like and then here's the beautiful thing because it's like there are thousands of temp agencies like fuck any temp

agents they have no power over you. So they're like, hey, we called George Mason, and there seems to be some discrepancy concerning your diploma. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, I didn't graduate. All right. I was like, well, you know, you probably shouldn't lie on your resume. You know, they get like all the, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's going to help. All right. You got me. It's over. I need to learn your life yeah, that's going to help. All right. You got me.

It's over. I need to learn your life lessons, you piece of shit. What are you doing that's so great? All right. Oh, yeah, Nick Turner. No, he never graduated. I think he moved to the stripping business. I think you're looking for Dick Turner now.

We want to talk about firing stories. I can say I was fired, I want to say, at least 10 to 20 times from the peteria in Tallahassee. Zach with the lazy eye would fire me pretty much once a week. For no reason, just because he did too much coke the night before, and I'd walk in, and he'd just be like, you're late! I'm like, I'm five minutes early. He's like, you're fired,

fucker! And would throw, like, pans at us and stuff like that. I've seen him fire every single person who worked there over and over again. Well, he's saying like it's a real establishment. Basically, he just fucking smoked weed and played with the owner's parrot. The restaurant was in the shape of a joint.

It was... Isn't that Ben Kissel's job? The parrot? He smokes weed and plays with a dog. Oh, yeah, that's my job. I hope I don't get fired anytime soon. Although I'm in a little bit of trouble for stealing lighters. Oh, yeah?

What? Don't steal lighters. I didn't steal the lighters. I just, you know, light a little incense, put it in your pocket. Change your pants, next thing you know, you've got 18 lighters. What about you, Kevin? I mean, I haven't necessarily really been fired from anywhere. I think, in general, people feel bad for me.

And I haven't necessarily quit a job, either. I think in general people feel bad for me. And I haven't necessarily quit a job either. I just stopped showing up. I just quit showing up. That's quitting. Yeah. And I'm sure you were fired in their brains. Yeah, yeah, exactly. If he comes back, he's fucking fired.

I just don't come back. That's the way to do it. He's very fired, but he's also never gotten the recommendations. Right. How many jobs have you had, Kevin? How many jobs have I had? A thousand. No, man.

I don't work most of the time. I think I probably had five, six jobs. I don't know. Well, that's not bad. That's a good amount of jobs. Jesus. Were you 17? Yeah.

Yeah. You know. I think squirrels have more jobs. And you have their lifetime. Where'd you get fired from, Ben? I know you've been fired. Oh, everywhere. Yeah. You know. I think squirrels have more jobs. And you've been, where'd you get fired from, Ben? I know you've been fired. Oh, everywhere. Every pizza place, every fast food restaurant. I think my favorite one is getting fired eating the chicken nugget at Burger King.

That I just injected with the barbecue sauce and ketchup. And it's weird getting fired during the greatest moment of your life. But I've just never been a good employee at all. This is the best job now. Yeah, it's the only job you can have is taking care of these dogs. Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to get there until like one usually. You fucking smoke weed. You buy them some fucking lighters already. I'm going to get them lighters. I didn't realize I had taken all their lighters,

but evidently I did. So I've been fired from everything and I don't see any reason why not to be. Those jobs are fucking terrible. Everyone should be fired from everything and I don't see any reason why not to be. Those jobs are fucking terrible. Everyone should be fired from everything. You see those career lifers when you're working at Wendy's

and you just despise the idea of becoming them. So the idea of just deciding not to show up makes you feel like a better person than being the 45 year old chick with a large mole, a huge mole that seems to grow weakly on her face. So it's best if you just cut your losses and get the fuck out of there so you don't end up a middle manager.

So I think any time you're growing up, get fired. Always get fired. Yeah. Learn that. Feel that. Know it. Have you ever been fired, Marcus? A couple times.

A couple times? What was laziness? Mouthing off too. Beating off in the wrestling. Yeah, I did get fired for mouthing off. What'd you say? Just grumblingumbling Fuck your kids I'm not gonna do that

Yeah Just playing like I'm not gonna do that Was it a restaurant Or a lumber job It was A thrift store That was also a charity

And She asked me At the front Yeah She asked me To go hand out flyers In like the middle of August outside. Whenever she'd already told me that I didn't have to do it again. And I was like, you told me I'd never have to do that again.

She's like, well, I'm telling you to do that. I'm like, I'm not going to do it. And I showed up the next day and I was replaced. Already someone just there and he looked just like you too. If it's a thrift store, they probably replaced you with a nice kitten or something. I remember when I had to do, whatchamacallit, community service. I had to go

volunteer at the thrift store. Oh yeah. Shitty work. Did you get fired from that somehow? Fired from community service? No, no. They love me. You're a hard worker. I can't imagine you actually getting fired, to be honest with you. I got fired twice in my life. I got fired once for getting arrested and another time for, they called it sexual harassment.

Tell him the story, Eddie. Tell him the story. You're a lucky boy. Just tell me you weren't working at a YMCA. No, no, no. I was at a party supermarket. 16 years old. He just touches the hams. It's, no. I was at a party supermarket. 16 years old. He just touches the hams. It's so weird.

Stares at me. I mooned a chick. Well, that is sexually I didn't realize that was sexual harassment either, but my buddy almost got sent to jail for it. Did she see the balls? I don't think so. No, she actually was really cool about it. She quit when she found out I got fired.

She didn't even rat me out. She told someone because she thought it was hilarious. And then they told the manager. Next thing I knew, I was fired. It was right before Halloween, and everyone gets a Halloween costume. I was going to get a fucking free Gumby suit, and I didn't get it. You would have been the most adorable Gumby. Yeah, but I had a Gumby suit.

See, if it was a cool place, they would have given you the Gumby suit, but cut the ass out of it. Did you just give her the round moon, or did you spread the cheeks, let her see the old black hole? Yeah, it was a polite moon. Now, was it like from a distance, or did you get right in there and shove her face in it?

Her nose gets all up in your butt, but then her tongue gets hold on a second, and then her tongue gets in the balls and then she starts going to town and she starts starts, you know, talking in a low voice. All right, you get going. No, it was a little reckless. She was on a ladder, so I probably shouldn't have done that. I could have startled her and killed her. She was on a ladder.

But that's not what you got arrested. What was the thing that you did to get arrested and why you had to get fired? Oh, I was on my way to... I was actually going to work when a cop put a gun to my face on a fucking weed raid. Oh, Jesus. That sucked. And then I showed up and he was like, you're fired for not showing up. I was like, oh, well, I got arrested.

And he's like, well, you're fired for getting arrested. That's the worst thing you can say. Yeah, yeah, well... No, no, no, I was doing meth all night. I was just like, that's why I'm late. I got arrested. I essentially lost two jobs in one day, so that fucking hurt. No, no, no. I was doing meth all night. I was just like, that's why I'm late. I was doing meth. I essentially lost two jobs in one day, so that fucking hurt.

That sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about you, Travis? I've been promoted at every job I've ever had. Nice. I was CEO, president, except for New York Film Academy. Last year I got fired for some antics in Nigeria. Antics? What?

What did you do in Nigeria? I was supposed to be teaching kids, and I made some comedy videos in my free time. And I made fun of the Nigerian president and some Muslims who were killing Christians. And I put the New York Film Academy's name on it. And then I put it on the internet. You win. Those are hijinks. And then, of course, you internet. You win. Those are hijinks.

And then, of course, you run for political office quite often, but you haven't won yet. So that's sort of like being fired. But before you even get hired. How does that feel, by the way? You don't get fired very often, but you are a loser. Yeah. I mean, Travis, how does that feel when you lose an election? I always wonder, because I would love to be a politician, but obviously that's never going to happen. I'm getting used to it, I can tell you that much.

That's good. Yeah, right. Oh, man. Jack, with public speaking skills like that, I'm shocked. What do you got, Jackie? I've actually never really been fired before. This one time, I guess I quit. I was a nanny for a long time i've had a few

nanny jobs and uh i i lied when i first got the job i worked for him for like three years this crazy woman with like six kids and uh i lied and said i had five brothers and i don't know why i did that so for years i had well she had all these kids and I was like, I've got all these brothers. And like, it wasn't true at all. So, um, I had to keep that up for a few years. So I, they all had names. What were their names? It was, they were all apostle names. Cause she was a Baptist, uh, minister.

Oh my God. Wow. I'm fucking with like Peter, Paul. Yeah. What was his name? Mary? No, just because. No, there was a Thomas and a David.

A Judas? No, Judas. There was an Apostle David? I don't think there was. I don't fucking know. It was like biblical shit. David beat Goliath. There was no Goliath, though.

Goliath was a bad one. And then he wrote Psalms. So anyway, I decided I didn't want to work there anymore. I was done with the fucking kids. So I just didn't show up and I killed off one of the brothers. Whoa, how'd he die? He fucking died in a car accident. Very randomly.

Pretty sad. Was it David or Thomas? It was actually, it was, I think it was Thomas, actually. It was always easy to remember because Henry's middle name is Thomas. So, like, that was the one I was like, oh, it's kind of like Mimic Games. So that's the one you killed? Yeah, that was the one I killed. Did you make up a backstory for Thomas?

He was an alcoholic? Yeah, no, no, no. He was in college as well. He was in the University of Florida. All your fake brothers, were any of them Henry? No, none of them were Henry. Because why would I lie? Like, that's, you know,

I don't want to, no, no, no. So, um... Henry called, claiming he's your brother. We sent assassins to his house because he's clearly lying. That's my boyfriend.

He's stalking me. I don't know what's wrong with him. She sent a bunch of flowers to my house, though, which was really nice. Then I felt really bad. But fuck her. I hated her. Oh, my God. That's insane. All right, we got a wrap of flowers to my house, though, which was really nice. Then I felt really bad. But fuck her.

I hated her. Oh, my God. That's insane. All right. We've got to wrap up this roundtable. Jackie Zabrowski and Larson. Yo, wing, wing. Yo, yo.

Kevin Barnett. Yep. Marcus Parks. Thank you, Nick Turner. Who's that kid? Thank you, Travis Irvine. We lost the Hassid vote. All right.

I'm Ben Kitzel. Tune in next week. I am loving it. Thank you, Danny, for covering for me.