The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 43-44: Family Easter

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s a chill and relaxed episode of The Round Table on this, the most holy of days, Easter! Join us to hear tales of fast food horrors, why it pays to be a Nirvana fan, the skyrocketing rates of STDs among the senior population, and our most and least favorite music to listen to while having sex.

Yo. God. Easter. Uh. He's done the prayer. That would be your prayer. Jackie's praying on Easter. Easter prayer. It's the Lord day. Easter prayer. Oh man. Dear Jesus motherfucking Christ. Booge. Uh man. Thanks for all

this fucking shit man. We got the like we got the wets out man. We got the breasts out man. It's fucking springtime. Thanks for that motherfucking shit. I love it. I really love when you fucking resurrected that tequila this morning. I got a resurrection in my cat.

Oh, shit, man. That was so much fucking resurrection today. Resurrection inside of me. Resurrection of the wet. That's what this fucking season is about, man. Resurrecting my wet. I'm not dry no more. Easter.

Easter. Yo, yo, yo, Easter. Yo, yo, yo, Easter. E-A-S-C-E-R. Hell yeah, man. Fuck yeah, God. Eggs. Amen.

Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable, the Gentleman Easter Holiday Edition. Who is everybody in this podcast? Jack is a Browsky meester. Ed Larson. Noda McNeely. What time? Kevin Barnett.

I'm Ben Gissel in the Chuckle Hut. We got the old favorite Henry's a Browsky. Happy Easter, Henry. We're enjoying these chips, man. We got chips. We got chips. And with us as always, Marcus Park is the newsman. Parks, what do you got for us?

Boudet. All right, we're going to start off with a music story. A site, tastebuds.fm, dating site. They polled users on their willingness to have sex. Holden, have you ever checked out this dating website? No, I haven't checked that out. FM, is that fuck midgets? Maybe.

These people have done a poll as far as people's willingness to have sex based on their preference of music the people least likely to put out on the first date. Coldplay fans. Of course. That's very interesting. You would think that Coldplay, that would seem to inspire the mood of love, doesn't it?

It's slow, it's romantic. It's sad as fuck and dumb and whiny. I love my virginity to Coldplay. That's what the single-handedly let me do it. Ew. It's sad as fuck and dumb and whiny. I love my originality to Coldplay. That's what the single-handedly let me do it. Ew. Yeah, Jackie. What was the song that you came to first inside of a woman, Henry? I'll have the stars.

I'll have the time for you. And you were just like, I'm coming. I'm fucking coming. Look at the jizz! And the people. How it bounces on you. And the fans most likely to put out on the first date, Nirvana fans.

Right. Oh, all right, all right. That makes sense. I don't know why that makes sense. I mean, honestly, I would feel like it's more like folk music, you know? It's like the free love. It's like, why not just, like, fuck me with a banjo? Nah, they're all pussies now.

They're not like that anymore. That sucks. I was thinking like some Uncle Luke, Fast and Troy. Yeah, yeah, like, fuck me with a banjo? Nah, they're all pussies now. They're not like that anymore. That sucks. I was thinking I should have Uncle Luke pass the trophy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, fans of Nirvana, Metallica, Linkin Park, and Kanye West are at the top. Oh, really? Yeah. And the people at the bottom are Coldplay, Adele, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry.

See, you would think Lady Gaga with a large gay following would inspire many sexual situations. I think it's just a lot of masturbating in the mirrors. It's just such high tempo music that it would be very difficult to hump to. Who keeps up that kind of strength? But Linkin Park though, man, that would just make you want to destroy.

How can you ever get hard listening to Linkin Park? That doesn't make any sense. Linkin Park's horrible. How many girls have been smothered to death hard listening to Linkin Park? Does that make any sense? Linkin Park's horrible. How many girls have been smothered to death while listening to Linkin Park? Yeah, well, thankfully so, so they could stop listening to Linkin Park. They're the luckiest ones in the room. Now, do these profiles have pictures, like regular dating sites?

I mean, yeah, I'm sure they would. Regular, just based on, it's more just about music? Well, what they're saying, this is a quote, that those theoretically highly sexed Nirvana fans are aging Gen Xers who, warily eyeing 20th anniversary of the release of Nevermind later this year, feel confronted with their own mortality and want to get their last bit of sexing in. As far as a Coldplay, even the band's name sounds like slang for frigidity. Sounds like this article is very opinionated.

Very opinionated. This is a very scientific study. I just think they're looking far too into it. It's just like, oh, you like music? Okay, well, fuck. I don't understand. What about Tool? Tool had to be high.

Zeppelin, for Christ's sake. Yeah, Zeppelin. That's sexy music. What about Marvin Gaye? to be high. Zeppelin, for Christ's sake. Yeah, Zeppelin. That's sexy music. What about Marvin Gaye? Yeah. You would think so. Dave, one of our avid listeners and graphic designer, he had an amazing college experience. He was very proud of.

He got to do Doggy Style with a gal on top of his bunk while listening to Snoop Dogg's Doggy Style. Oh. And that was really fun. I've never done that. I've never done that. I know. I've never done that either.

That's a nice romantic time. And that's the night you were conceived, son. You were a butt baby. You came out of a butt. If you would remember all the various articles, they came out in the science magazines. I was thinking about butt babies earlier today. What a great thing they are. Oh, I love it.

The burbling of the butt babies is always a fantastic little thing to say. I think it took me until like 13 to finally realize that babies did not come out of the butt. Oh, really? It took you that long? Well, it's a closed hole. Yeah, no sex education back in Texas. Yeah, it took me until like 20 to realize that the vagina had two holes. Wow.

Yeah, I didn't even know about the two holes. I thought you peed out of the fuck hole. We didn't know. Yeah, no. How the fuck are we supposed to know? How am I supposed to know? I don't have one. I've never seen one. Where'd you find out, Kevin? I think I did know. Yeah, how the fuck are we supposed to know? How am I supposed to know? I don't have one. I've never seen one.

Where'd you find out, Kevin? I think I found out pretty early, man. Oh, yeah? You found out about the second hole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

I think it was covered at some point at the schoolhouse. Oh, yeah, you learned it. I just know about the stamen and the pistol. Those are flower sexual hours. Yeah, I get the flowers.

Who gives a fuck about that? Do you think serial killers fucked to a Miles Davis Shades of blue Is that what it's called Shades of blue Or kind of blue Kind of blue

Because of course They strangle them Until the woman is kind of blue They would be more much They would be much likely To fuck to Bitches Brew Oh yeah Maniacs fuck to that shit

Oh man Bitches Brew would be A good good fuck time Alright hate fuck Song Hate fuck Hate fuck album What are we listening to? Du Has.

Du Has. Oh, what kind of fuck session would that be? I feel like Sasha Gray would walk out of the room. White Zombie, though. White Zombie, good one. I have fucked a white zombie before. It is the best. It gets romantic. It gets romantic.

I would choose Monster Mash. It was a monster mash. I mean, fucking the white zombie, that would be a real tush workout. It's so quick. The music, the beats. I could never do it. Now, dude, what you do is you listen to super sexy swinging sounds. The remix album.

Oh, interesting. And Astro Creep 2000 is pretty good too. What was the name when they put your hand in her mouth? Oh. I love doing that.

See how many fingers you can get in there. What? Why does that turn us on? Why is that so hot? I can't. Putting fingers in the mouth?

I don't know. I love it. You do it too, right? You don't do it, Kevin? I don't do it. Have you ever done it? I've done it, yeah. I felt like I was supposed to.

But put your fingers in her mouth, like three fingers in, spread them open to make her look like she's smiling, like she's not having a miserable time. I mean, I know. That's sad. That is sad. I'm aware of the technique, man. And it's creepy.

Wow. I just try to fish hook them, you know aware of the technique, man. Man, that's creepy. Wow. Man. I just try to fish hook them, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to make a girl's mouth look like that clown you do at the mini putt when you have to go for the final putt so you can get another free round. Oh, yeah. What do you guys get turned on?

What do you want a woman to do with her mouth when you're fingers? Do you want her to bite or do you want her to suck? You know what it is? I wish that my fingers were another dick. And then that's like what it is. It's like, it's just another like project, it's like another thing.

I think that's... It's another thing to poke her with. It's just wet and it feels nothing. It's just a finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I see it, man. Half the stuff that people do

while they're fucking, I just can't be bothered with. What the fuck are you talking about? It's just too, it's like, I'll do it, I guess, you know? I feel it's, you know, it's kind of a custom. So what song would you have sex with? I feel like something Neil Young related, like write a long letter or something like that,

whatever that's called. I don't know, man. I just listen to the beating of my heart. Oh, that's pathetic. There's just like four Jamaican dudes playing drums. Because you can't afford a radio. What's your best song you ever had sex to a chick with? Oh, Lord.

I'm sure. Oh, this must be so lame, by the way. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, there's been like, you know, I mean, I banged it out of the ice capades. That was kind of fun. At the ice capades? At the ice capades?

God, do you remember that thing, though? Did you ever go to the ice capades? Never went there. I never went. You had sex at the ice capades? Just finger play, but yeah. It was great. It was romantic.

Right in the middle of everybody? Yeah, I mean, it's just kids and stuff. They're not paying attention. That would be wrong. They're not paying attention. That would be wrong. They're not paying attention to what's going on with their hands. They're not thinking about looking at crotches. They still believe in, like, dreams and stuff. They're not, like, you know, horribly demented.

So the ice capades, there's, like, princesses and, like, fairy tales put on. It's, like, stories put on in the ice, and there's a lot of, like, light-up shit that they sell you, and you kind of swing that around. Some dumb girl let you finger her there at the ice campaigns in front of a bunch of queens.

High school dates. What was the performance about? Oh god, I don't even know. I was too busy getting... No, yeah, I think it was kind of a love story going on. It was very sensitive. It's kind of a nice situation.

So I finger popped it. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing about fingering. Fingering a chick in high school, it just means you have to go home and masturbate to how you touched a vagina. It really sucks. I don't know about that. Fingering a chick is so much easier than it is. As a woman, it's so much easier to get pleasured privately than it is for a man.

Like we were talking about earlier with the subway in a couple of podcasts ago. Chicks can just, you know, jack themselves off very quietly, very secretly. Men, it's such an outward physical process. Oh, it's messy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't get... I mean, I assume she didn't jack you off at these escapades. No, I mean, it was like a blue ball robbing kind of situation.

So you had to go home and crank it out. Yeah, later. It's weird. You have to just sort of hold on. Did you ever bang this broad? No, lord no. What was wrong with her? She was retarded. Oh, okay. That makes sense.

You can only go out with them so often. Yeah, her name was Riff Raff. Oh, yeah. That was the whole situation. It was the whole bad. She had a baseball cap with that. Riff Raff. With soda pop bottles stapled to the top of it. She had half of a baseball cap on her head.

Hey, homie, you want me to kick your pop? You want to pick it back? Me? Yeah, I can play it. Yes, I do. Sure. Nintendo. Nintendo. Oh, my God. Sure. Nintendo! Nintendo!

Oh, my God. This says something. Hold on, because you enjoy more of the hipster type of gals, the ones who are more susceptible to, you know, like... Nice things. Nice things, yeah, and like lame lovemaking skills. Not that you have them. So what song have you played to get a chick to fuck you

that you are like, when you're playing it, you're like, I know this is bad? Oh, probably Bjork playing it, you're like, I know this is bad? Oh, um, probably Bjork. Oh my god. Probably Bjork. Fucking to Bjork sounds like the worst time ever. I don't know how we would do it.

I don't know. I can't get her beat down properly. It was pretty media. Well, and it starts off like with a massage, you know? Yeah, it's just. It's love making. She was wearing a goose outfit. We don't come until we cry. It's like one of those situations.

It's like a joy division. That'd be horrible, man. It's not as bad as you think. You get kind of sensual. I'd say best fuck album ever, though. The Stooges, Funhouse. Yeah, man. That's a great one.

I can't have sex to a man's voice. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't have sex with music because I'm just like, I think he's listening. I think he hears me, too. Just like I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, like, there was one time I was fucking a girl and I just had, like, my iTunes on and it was just, like, came on some stuff. You were listening to your iTunes with your speakers in your ears? No, no, no, it was on my computer. But it was, like, some songs came on that my friends made, and they were singing.

That was just fucking weird. Oh, yeah. If I was fucking some girl, like, yo, yo, yo, he saw it, it came on, I would just, I was like, done. Eddie, you have a great story about this. You were getting it on on your couch. You were doing the old hot and heavy petty with a sweet, sweet young cat. And Don Rickles? Yeah, Don Rickles.

Don Rickles was doing a set. That's almost impossible to come with. I came. It was great. Did you come on a punchline? I don't remember. I imagine. They're all punchlines with Rickles.

You know, it's it's hard not to come on a punch line jackie as a woman what song would you like to be bedded as a woman what song yeah as like not as yourself like a sensitive normal nice woman nah man funk music always does the trick it's always uh fun. I did, I mean, I have done the comedy route before, and that's always weird. It's weird. But it's kind of like, what I do like about it is that it makes me feel like there's an audience, at least. I kind of like that it's like there's a man there listening to it, you know? I'm down with that.

It's like a little three-way. Oh, yeah. And one time I did do it, I made the fuck to Papa Roach. I feel like it was like one of those where I was like, this is for the 12-year-old me. And then it was like, hate fuck. Is he the bodies hit the floor? Is Papa Roach the hot roaches? No, it's the fuck my life is too big to be a part of.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's my last resort. It's like it's not your last resort. Write a better song. Back in high school, the girl I used to bang, and I guess you could call her my girlfriend. We listened to Moby

Play all the time. When you're in high school, that works. That totally works. The album with the Yeah, something like that. I just cannot fuck with a soundtrack. I'm never good enough for it. It's been a long time.

I think I used, like, when I first started fucking, I was like, I love music, so I'm sure music's going to be such a fun part of fucking. And now it's like, no. I like it silent. I like to make her have to be really quiet. I like it uncomfortable. It's like she's kind of just...

You are going to kill a girl. Yeah. Wow, please. Lord knows if I have or not just... You are going to kill a girl. Yeah. Lord knows if I have or not, I don't know, I black out those nights. I'm not even drunk or anything, but I wake up. Wake up in a bunch of red. Smells like copper. Anybody? No?

She's got one of those nose clips swimmers use to block her nose. I think you should try, though, just like getting ahead to classical music. You feel so powerful. I was doing that one time and it was like I think like some Vox Cello suites came out like, this is beautiful. This is the way

God intended. I'm up here. She's down here. G's up, hoes down. It was magic. It all just makes you feel like a rich man sitting in a mansion in a blowjob. You gotta get a cigar, too. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It really is the best.

Stocks and bonds. I couldn't imagine getting a blowjob surrounded by statues and columns and a pool. You're talking about a Citizen Kane blowjob. Exactly. I want a Citizen Kane blowjob. I want the help to be there and try not to look and shit. That's the thing. The blowjob is so empowering.

You could be looking at a receipt, a document saying that you owe $5,000 to the government, but if you're giving head, you're like, I am still rich as fuck. I am king of the world. That's the thing. I think that's what blowjobs should be. I mean, don't you want to make him feel like a king? Then it's like, I'm fucking a king. as fuck. I am king of the world. I think that's what flow jobs should be. Don't you want to make him feel like a king? Then it's like, I'm fucking a king.

Make him feel as good as possible. Do whatever you need to do to make him feel good. You feel like a queen. Exactly is what I'm saying. Looking like Kate in the royal wedding. Sucking that royal cock. Oh man, royal cock. Do you think she gives a good head?

No. No. She has to. Violently no. No, she doesn't have to. She's like, oh, dear. I just,

I hate the way it tastes. I won't. I can't. It's like a trickling. It's like a trickling in the back of me throat. It's all salty and it's tiny and pink.

Poor bastards. God. I remember I used to have this, like, Pakistani techno bar across the street from my house. Of course. Yeah. Okay. Pakistani techno bar. So obnoxious and loud.

And it's just like, I could, no matter if I put music on in my room, I could hear the Pakistani techno in my room over my own music. It was so fucking loud. And it was the soundtrack to me fucking for two years. What did it sound like? Hey!

It's the worst noise. It got so bad that I started to recognize songs. I know that, yeah. I hate this artist. Oh, this guy's actually pretty good. You know, I've always wondered why whenever you saw Bollywood music on my iTunes, you're like, why would you do that to yourself?

He immediately gets a boner. What is the name of that song that's at the end of that fucking jism hole of a movie, Juno? I don't know. I never saw it. You know that song at the end of that cutesy song they sing to each other? No. That song almost broke me and my girlfriend up. We had heard it

while in the living room playing one night while we were being intimate and it got in our heads so bad that we could not go to sleep. And then we were up all night walking around and it's like, this song is ruining our lives! You have an unhealthy relationship.

We put it all out there. Well, uh, we've been talking about sex and sex and fucking for a little while. In STD news. Squirt. Owie, owie. STDs are soaring among seniors.

Oh, yeah. Old news. Get it? Yeah. We'll cut that out in post. We'll just cut that part out in post. Are we going to keep it in? Old news.

Old news. Old news. Which one do you like? Take any one. But yeah, I feel like they do this story every six months you think so oh I know it

I read it all the time yeah they fuck like animals out there with all the Viagra and the wet pussy juice they got now they got nothing else to do man

I say have at yeah yeah go crazy as long as you can still like get it wet enough I think it's fine just keep it in a god damn house

keep it in a house I don't want to see it. You know that Margaret is dead, Judith. And I would just... I've never cum on a woman's face. That's the thing. They get to piss on each other and do all that shit you never got to do. Well, they can't not do it.

He's like, I'm sorry, I'm peeing. I can't not pee, though. It's just a thing. Okay, I can't not do it. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm peeing. I can't not pee though. It's just like a thing. Okay. I can't really move, so it's fine. They piss into a colostomy bag and he just like plops it onto her chest. Oh my god. I can't even do it for real. That would be amazing. Oh, it's so warm and nice. I love

your colostomy bag. What's grosser? Warm shit or cold shit? Warm shit. Oh, I don't know don't know man yeah i'm gonna go uh warm shit's fresh that's a thing i don't know if it's like the same standard as milk i think that maybe cold shit might be a little bit better but warm shit makes you feel like they really gave it for you you know like it was something special it. It was like, I'm not freezing this stuff, mass-producing it. It's not like a

Tostitos pizza roll. This is a fresh poop right out of the butt box. What planet are you from? Right out of the butt box? Jackie, no one's ever shat on you, have they? Hell no, man. If anyone, if they got their ass anywhere close to me, I'd probably just stab until I got out of there anyway.

I'm proud of you. I got a rusty trombone once, which I thought was the strength. Wait, what's that? That's when a chick goes behind you, eats out your asshole, and strokes your cock like she's playing the trombone.

Uh-huh. And I will say, I did a similar noise. It was very baritone or whatever the trombone makes. But it was bizarre being pleasured in the asshole with the woman's tongue because, of course,

I know what my butt does and it's never pleasurable. How are you supposed to look at her again? Well, it's tough to kiss her, but then when you live with her, you gotta do that. It's kind of freaky deaky stuff. I don't mind it i didn't

mind it but it was weird to have a woman's mouth on my anus because uh but at the same time i'll put my isn't it what prostitutes are for though i mean can't you just i don't know do prostitutes do rusty trombones i feel like that would be at least 400 i'm pretty sure prostitutes do rich man's prostitute yeah kevin you've you ever had a girl really try to go down there and suck on that sweet, sweet apple? No, man. That's so gross. She's vile, vile to think about. What song would you listen to if she did?

Stuck in the middle with you. Yeah, stuck in the middle with you. Stuck in the middle with you and she's talking about your butt cheeks. Just a Reservoir Dogs soundtrack. I'm just going to listen to all the dialogue from Reservoir Dogs on the soundtrack. Yeah, just the dialogue. Just like, yeah, Toby Choo, Toby Choo, my daughter's about to grow with a big dick getting fucked. Have you ever had a chick eat your ass, Parks?

See, once. What did you think of it? It's that I can eat a girl's ass. I like it. I enjoy it because they take care of it back there and it's not full of hair and dingleberries. It's right by their vagina.

They take such good care of their vagina. What is dingleberries? You know what a dingleberry is? A little rich Connecticut boy. I know what youleberries? You know what a dingleberry is? Yeah, you know dingleberries. It's whenever like... Oh, little rich Connecticut boy. No, I know what you're describing. I know what you're describing. I just have never heard of it as a dingleberry. Oh, really?

Yeah. Very old term. Yeah, we used to call... You never call a kid dingleberry? Yeah. Dingleberry name? I just thought that was like a fucking ball sack or something. I don't know.

You know, you hear berries, balls. Well, close to shit. When I was in like fourth grade, somebody called me a dingberry, and I didn't realize it was a bad term. I was like, yeah, but I'm like a dingleberry. He's like, that's shit in your ass. And I was like, oh, no. No, never. And then they just called me dingleberry the entire bus ride.

Ben loses again. Yeah, he was so sad. You've got to know what a dingleberry is. The entire bus ride. How long was that bus ride? Well, it was a transfer. I took it for one quarter from St. John's to home. It was terrible.

They were very mean to a big boy. What was your meal back then? What was the standard dinner back then? Frozen pizza. My mother would just make frozen pizza and that's it. You would eat an entire one to the face? Yeah, and then my dad would be like,

Oh, you know, it says serve six, but looks like you ate the whole thing. And I'd be like, Well, I don't know what you're saying, Dad. Seems like you're eating for six, Ben. I'd say, Stop yelling at me, Dad! Stop yelling at me, Dad! It was terrible.

Oh, my God. I've seen pictures of you as a child. It's fucking terrifying. Horrifying. You look so mean and mad, too. No, I was the nicest boy. It was all ruined. Everything I ever wanted to be was destroyed.

At least I got a rusty trombone once in my life. I'm just so proud. I'm so proud of your face when I said that because I thought, I'm just so happy you weren't just like, I've done that to many a man. I'm really proud of you. I do have some limits. They're far out there, but they are there.

Even the man's anus is one of them. Yeah, man. I don't want that. Yeah, exactly. Get hair in your teeth. Yeah. Yeah, that's why. You don't want to do it. It's just so unnecessary. There's no need for that.

All right. Well, taking the news over to the French. Good. Speaking of eating ass. Speaking of eating ass. Love it. French tastes like cheese. This is actually a positive.

This isn't France sucks. This is France is kind of awesome. French riot police are threatening to go on strike unless authorities restore their right to drink on the job. They used to be allowed to have beer or wine with lunch. And they even like would they bring packet lunches and they, like, fucking pack alcohol with the packed lunches. But after authorities saw them swigging cans of beer and smoking on the sidelines of a student protest in Paris, they said no more. I love that so much. I knew you would. Man, they have to deal with so much shit.

Let them do whatever the hell they want. They just got through the day, you know? Riot police, riot cop has to be the hardest, craziest job in the world. France is just working at cheese shops to make sure people take the bread. Do you remember those riots they had a couple years ago that were crazy and went all across France?

I do not pay attention to France. It killed thousands of people. It was insane. It didn't kill thousands. It killed dozens. Thousands of people were protesting. Oh, yeah? I thought it was bigger than that.

I don't know. The French are tougher than people give them credit for. Well, I think we give them enough credit. They have Andre the Giant and Stinky Cheese, and that's about it. I think that's as tough as it can be. Andre the Giant is French? Yeah. No.

Yeah. Absolutely. How can you tell? Because he smelt. Yeah. Bam. What? I love that. No. How can you tell? Because he smelt. Yeah. I love that. You've got to let these riot police drink, though. Vietnam veterans were all hopped up

on cocaine and whatnot. They were stoned all the time. Yeah, look at the good job they did. I don't want the French to win anything. We lost that war! We lost it! The important thing is they have no idea that they did. I love this quote.

This is from the head of the police union. He said that they are, quote, trying to turn us into priests, but without the altar wine. I like that. I love that. That's great. Even the priests get the booze. He says, nobody should object to a small drink on jobs. I like that. I love that. That's great. Even the priests get the booze.

Yeah, he says, nobody should object to a small drink on jobs. Our right to drink alcohol with our food is protected by the law, and our members are very unhappy at being treated like children. Oh, man. I agree. They should do it. Fuck it, man. It's a tough job.

You've got to be a little loose, man, getting out there. Absolutely. Everyone you're fighting is drunk. I mean, going against a drunkard when you're not drunk is like going against a two-armed man when you only have one it's virtually impossible you've got to be equally drunk a lot of times at work it'll be like three in the morning i gotta break up fights and these people are so hammered i'm like bro i will fucking tear you to pieces that's a good point as well. I am so sober and you are hammered. Get out of here. What's wrong with you? But if they both had

rocks and you had a gun and a tear canister and you're equally drunk, you're going to win that war. And the confidence given to you by those sweet PBRs and that fantastic vino will allow you to throw that grenade in a little bit quicker than previous and break up the fight earlier.

Drunk training. You train a drinking game, and then you go train. And they train them on the field, you get used to it. You get used to how that feels. Drunk memory. I think this was in Beer Fest. They established this. Absolutely.

I think it's true. If you can't drink, then you're not allowed to be a fucking riot cop. How about that? Yeah. Let's write letters. In fact, you're a f to be a fucking riot cop. How about that? Yeah, let's write letters. In fact, you're a faggot. You're a big faggot French riot cop. You silver little

diva. Fuck you, not dad, fuck her on. God damn it. I'm so mad about this. I've always wanted to be in a riot. Just to fucking go nuts. It's tough to say. Whenever you're in the nuts. Well, I mean, it's tough to say.

Whenever you're in the middle of a riot, I think it's hard to participate. I think that's why we're all individuals in our own right, because you just realize everyone's being retarded. I'd like to be in a quiet riot. That's a good point. Come on, feel the noise. I would love to have my asshole eaten to that song. Come on, feel the toots. Is it just fart?

Right. Come on, feel the noise. Is it just fart? Right. Come on, feel the nose. Literally on your nose and your lips. And maybe get a little bit in your eye. But, hey, nonetheless, we'll take a shower, and then I'll never talk to you again. Oh, my God. That was great. Fuck.

This is, I would say, this is the most positive French story I've ever heard, though. It's the first time where you hear a French story, and you're like, oh, they're not total pussies. This is something the riot cops should demand. Can I ask you this? What do you think our demographic is? Everyone. Everyone in the whole world. Every single person who ever lived.

Man, woman, and child. Man, woman, child, 8 through 18, blind, crippled, crazy. Yeah, the people that tell me that they love this show, it's never the same person. It's so weird. It's not the same. A lot of times it's followed by Eeyore. Oh, man. Never the same person. It's so weird. It's not the same type of person. A lot of times it's followed by Eeyore. It's not the same type of person.

Oh, man. So what does this topless Korean guy do? What? Who, this guy? Oh, this guy. This guy. No, no, no. He's Mexican.

He's from Los Angeles. I feel like Eddie is a pro wrestling promoter. All right. You're the topless Korean guy. What I want to do is get Ed flashcards of people of different races. We can start learning to identify. We can get the rainbow color scheme and put the person whose race belongs to the color next to it. But sometimes Mexican people look Asian. You're saying there's no Koreans in Mexico?

Yes. I don't think there's a lot. No, I think there's zero. Alright, this guy, Anthony Garcia. He would have gotten away with a 2004 murder outside of a liquor store. So this guy killed somebody in a liquor store. Yeah, killed someone outside of a liquor store back in 2004.

Very Korean move. But he's not Korean. I don't know if that's true. He's not Korean. How he was caught, he tattooed a detailed mural of a big tuna. He is Korean.

Of the big tuna, yeah. A detailed mural of the crime scene across his chest with at the top it said Rivera Kills. He tattooed the crime on his chest with at the top it said Rivera kills. He tattooed the crime on his chest. And then he got

arrested for another crime? He got arrested for another crime and one of the cops was looking through mug shots and they saw this guy's tattoo and they're like, oh hey that's a cold case. Holy shit, that's the fucking murder. That's how detailed it is. Did he take a picture of the crime scene?

No, he just has a very good imagination, I'd imagine. Or just a very good memory. I have just never heard of anything like that before in my life. That's a very elaborate tattoo. Yeah, it is. I'm looking at it right now. I mean, it looks like shit, but it's very elaborate. And if he wrote Rivera on it, people

would be like, oh, that's a different dude. This guy's clearly Korean. He was a member of the Rivera 13 gang. How many people were in it? How many people are in the gang or in the tattoo? Well, let's go with the tattoo. Let's see. Looks to be about three.

So he even put in the witnesses? I think it was maybe him and a buddy. Pointing away at like pointing like this, like forward. So I can't see. I can't even recognize what it is. But yeah, he's caught. What an idiot. Why would you do that?

Man, at least he's proud of what he did. You know, he doesn't regret it. No regrets, man. I like him. I don't know if that really is good with murder. It's different. Not asking that girl out. It's like a regret. Some things are okay

to regret. Not murdering the dude. I just regret that. It'd be alright with that. Yeah, he already did it though. That would be pretty cool. That's the thing. He's just gonna tattoo. God, I have a whole fucking bucket full of those. Oh, my lord. What is your biggest regret, Ed? Yeah, and what regret would you tattoo on your chest?

Oh, this is awesome. This guy, his gang nickname is Chopper. Awesome. And so, what's his name in Spanish? One of the... Chopper. Chopper. Chopper. Chopper. He added to the tattoo Chopper Chopper He

He added To the tattoo He added a helicopter firing bullets At the victim He didn't do it How didn't he win his court case He's like judge obviously the helicopter did it This guy is great

He's going to be the talk of the jail. Eddie, so you have one regret. What are you tattooing on your chest? Yeah, what's your regret to tattoo across your chest? There's this dude that I didn't beat the shit out of, and I should have beat the shit out of him just on principle. I was working at a cheesesteak restaurant right when I started living up here. Oh, East Village. East Village. Not in the mountains of Philly. Best cheesesteak in America.

If you love rat shit. It's delicious. They listen to the cast. Oh, no, it's good. I actually love rat shit. Oh, man. But anyway, so this guy, I'm cleaning up. It's the end of the night. We're already closed. And this dude walks in, this preppy fucking dude with his collar popped He's got two of the hottest chicks I ever saw

On his arms, and they're all drunk and screaming He's like, hey, hey Make me a fucking cheesesteak And I just looked at my boss And I just shook my head no, and he's like Make it, and I was like, oh man And so I take his order We make the cheesesteak

And as I'm mopping up behind him, I look at him from the back, and his collar's popped up. And inside the back of his collar was stitched into the shirt the word prepster. Ugh. Wow. What a douche. You should have killed him. I know. You got to murder that guy.

I know. I let him get away. Maybe his name was... I do love that that is your biggest regret. I mean, that's it. I got that. What if his name was Prester Williams, though? Prepster.

Prepster. Like hipster, but prepster. That's the shitty thing about working at fast food restaurants. It's not the hardest job, but every local yokel comes in there, and they're total fucking cocksuckers, and they just demand you to work for them. But every local yokel comes in there and they're total fucking cocksuckers and they just demand you to work for them. Fast food restaurants is by far the hardest service industry job to have. Man, but the best part about that is you work in a cheesesteak restaurant, you're allowed to mouth off back to people.

Yeah, that's true. So I'm allowed to talk shit back, which was always nice. I remember some guy came up to me and he's like, I'm like, you need any sauce? And he's like, I better not need any sauce. I was like, do you want some fucking sauce or not? Yeah, I don't know what that response meant. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Did you ever fuck with people's food?

No, I did a Dairy Queen when I was real young. I spit in some dude's spit in some dude's milkshake. Yeah, I did one. I put a booger in some kid's burger, but I knew the kid and I hated him. Oh, yeah. Well, that's totally responsible. Yeah, they're like, this is Corey's burger.

Corey Lukowitz. He's a real piece of shit. Yeah, this one time at a Hollywood video, I once killed a boy. Oh, yeah. That's the same thing. How old was he? Young. So dead. He was juicy, right? juicy right well yeah that's what his name this is 45 just 45 years old i mean that's the thing people who are rude to them

are absolutely retarded because it's the easiest job to go into the back and piss on the pickles yeah yeah it's so simple to uh just totally fuck somebody over no one's looking how the taco bell uh chalupa is made. You did some shit, didn't you? No, I didn't do anything other than overall disgustingness. You were just a gross person. Right. Can't have food.

The idea... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's funny. No, I mean, I didn't really do anything particularly bad. Mostly just the food policy of Wendy's and pizza. You would just sweat on the food and shit. Profusely sweating. And then take a little bite of the string cheese as I was rolling into the oven.

I sweat so much in the people's food that they'll never know. Working in that cheesesteak restaurant, it was so hot. Just sweat literally pouring off my face into the meat. It didn't even matter. Yeah, exactly. You look like Patrick Ewing working at Subway. Yeah. Kevin, did you ever work in fast food or anything like that?

No, no, no. What kind of... Did you work? I don't usually have jobs, man. You've never really had a real job, have you? I struggle, man. No, but Kippy, you struggle. You don't struggle.

You get it. You're lazy. Hey, hold on, man. Take it easy. People just in general choose to not hire me. I've been on interviews and shit. Don't go up. But you do work at that fast food place in the East Village?

Yeah, yeah, we had this bar back there. It's not a fast food place. Well, I mean, middle ground. Oh, it's in the East Village? Yeah, it's right by Poor House, man. Oh, I had no idea. We said this like four times. Well, I'm always hammered, bro.

He's going to come by. I'm like three blocks away. this like four times. I'm always hammered, bro. You said it come by. I'm like three blocks away. Hell yeah, man. Good for us. No, fast food restaurants are just the absolute worst. I went to Taco Bell today in Wisconsin. Before I took off, I was over there visiting my friend Adam there. And we were the first customers because it's Easter.

And they were just so thrilled to see us. It was amazing. They gave us the all-star treatment. Small-town fast food places are gold. As opposed to these big cities, they're spoiled with all these fantastic customers. In those parts of the country, too, they'll have good-looking kids working the

counter and stuff, like in the commercials. All these beautiful-looking kids will be working there, and it's not like normal, where it's like a 47-year-old Indian woman who doesn't care about you or being alive. But see, I'm going the opposite kids will be working there and it's not like normal where it's like a 47 year old indian woman right who uh doesn't care about you or being alive but see i'm going the opposite on that one i think the young kids don't care i mean i will say the young kids don't care sometimes to a positive and that they'll put a lot of uh sour cream on those sweet sweet chalupies yeah yeah

you know they'll they'll use a lot more ingredients but that at the very least that indian gal she's not going to go shat all over the chili beans. I'll tell you what, fast food in the city sucks compared to fast food in Tallahassee. Oh, yeah. Back in Lubbock, too, man. They're not good at it. It's fine dining in small towns. It's the only place to go.

Shit, man. The subway back in Stanford, Texas was amazing. They always gave you some good shit. I love those things. Speaking of food, though. Yes, go on down to Subway. Go on down to the Subway in Sanford, Texas. Right in front of the Walmart.

It is right in front of the Walmart. I once got a head in the back of a Subway. How was it? It was great. Were you working there? No, I was working at Dairy Queen. I used to bring the girl milkshakes. She'd give me...

Subway sandwiches. So you would give her a milkshake and she was making footlongs. Oh, this is a very sexual situation. We locked the front door. It was great. No customers were allowed to get in? No, no, no. No one was coming in anyway.

It was great. I got a lot of ass when I worked for Dairy Queen for some reason. That's interesting. You was great. Holy lord. I got a lot of ass on Derry when I worked for Dairy Queen for some reason. You're in the wrong business. Back in ice cream. It's a good point. You're just going to be like a new kind of Willy Wonka with like candies.

Willy want to suck my dick? Very nice, Ben. That was a good one. Solid gold oldies. You are on fire today, my friend. Zing! Well, all right. It is time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, my Lord.

Who could you live without on the round table? Holden! Oh, God. I will start. But he provides all these amazing segments. Oh, yeah. No, he doesn't. I do.

Marcus came up with this one. We were sipping on Bloody Marys on Easter brunch. Some bourbon tea. Oh, my Lord, that bourbon tea. I want everyone listening to know that everyone's been drinking for a very long time. It's fucking Easter Sunday. Yeah, we've been wasting all day. I've been drinking since about two.

I want my third beer. I'm still pretty sober. Yeah, it's sad. Well, I would say my thought process was, you know, I can't say it could be Kevin, because without Kevin, I wouldn't be able to hate enough to need someone to live without, you know? True. You know, and then I got, of course, I got, you know, Ed, Jackie, and Henry are in Murder

Fist, so, like, I have to not want them to be gone. And Marcus makes the round table possible. So Ben Kissel, I would turn your room into a study. I'd eat the rest of your mushrooms and just trip balls in that little study.

Just write screenplays and beat off in it. Would I still be on the round table? Maybe as a ghost. That would I still be on the round table? Uh, no. Well, maybe as a ghost. That would be fun. That would be fun. This is a very negative segment. Absolutely. I don't like it on Easter brunch. Yes, Easter brunch. Who would you live without?

Jackie. So, Holden would live without me. I obviously would live without Kevin Barnett. Because I fucking hate seeing his face every day. And sometimes I think, yeah, you wish you were as tall as Ben, but you're not, so you're bad at it. I actually don't wish that. Someone hates seeing his face every day. And sometimes I think, yeah, you wish you were as tall as Ben, but you're not, so you're bad at it. I actually don't wish that.

No, no one wishes that. I would say out of all of the wishes that Kevin has, he's never once been like, I wish I was six foot seven so I wouldn't get cast in anything. I wish my life was more inconvenient. Man, I wish if you weren't here, I wouldn't feel like your slinky breeze, man, whenever you come into a bar. I wouldn't look over at you

and think maybe it could be me that we're dead. What's going on, Jackie? I'll tell you. I want you dead off the podcast. Who's this? Jackie Zebrowski. I'm choosing on, Jackie? I'll tell you. I want you dead off the podcast. Who's this? Me? Jackie Zabrowski.

I am choosing you, Jackie. Come on. Easter brunch. Only because here's the deal. I love you. I enjoy your face. I like your nose, your butt, your butthole, your bosom. Just keep to the face.

And your bosom. Okay. Keep to the face. I love your hole of a face. And I think the thing is, the temptation of seeing you week by week with your words of rape and wisdom and whatnot that women say sometimes. And you say, well, I agree. How bizarre.

How bizarre. Oh, don't liken the song to me. I did. How bizarre. Don't liken the song to me. I did. And the thing is, I can't be tempted anymore by the fruit of a struggle of another. So I've got to leave the podcast so I do not cheat on my girlfriend because I want to.

To what the fuck are you? So this is just not even a foul. No, yes. First you have to live without. Yes, no. So anywho, it's my fault that you have to leave. You have to buy Henry a shot after this. I'm between you. No, no.

I mean, obviously, that's why we're not together, which I think is so sad because you don't support my love for Jackie. I wouldn't support you if you got married, if you guys got married to each other. This is... I'm married to you. We're going to do it. We're going to do it, Jaggy. Just kill me. Is this happening right now

on the podcast? Is Jaggy and Big getting married? He's going to get married. Oh, my God. This is like when fucking Macho Man Randy Savage got married to that... China?

When he got married to China. Oh, my God. That's right. That never happened. The player was as big as his dick. But it's reversed. He's more of the China. And I'm more...

Randy! Oh, yeah. What does he do? Yeah. I guess it's China. I guess it's reversed. He's more of the China. And I'm more of the China. Oh, yeah. What does he do? Yeah. So either way, Jackie, you gotta go. I can live without this segment, huh? Am I right? I choose Holden.

When you're listening, comment on the episode and tell us who you think. We're just trying not to be monogamous. We want to break it up and say something interesting, but it really isn't. That was the problem. I picked Kevin because I was like, well, everyone's going to say Holden. I didn't even have anything bad to say about Kevin.

It's like the China Express or the Oriental Express. Everyone's stabbing me. No, man. What? Kevin, who are you? You chose Holden. Huh? You chose Holden.

Well, personally, I could do without each and every one of you. I would have Sundays free. People would be like, oh, it's only $50, man. Save all their lives. I'm like, well, shit, man. I haven't bought Ma versus Capcom 3 yet. It was so good. Kevin wins, wins us all. Next week is going to be a whole different slew of people in here.

I can't wait. Absolutely. Everybody's going to be dead tonight, man. And then we're going to come back again. Like Jesus Christ. Happy Easter! This is the Roundtable of the Gentleman, Jackie Zebrowski. And we're in the garden. Christ is alive. Hold the big nail. Yeah, gentlemen, Jackie Zebrowski. Edward Carson.

Christ is alive. Oh, the big nailing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Easter. Kevin Barnett. Edward Zebrowski. The chocolate. Thank you. Gyps.

Ben Kissel. And Marcus Parks. I am loving it! E-A-S-T-E-R. Easter. Easter! Easter. Oh, God. Nugs-R. Easter. Easter. Easter. Oh, God.

Nugs, man. That was great.