The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 45: Mommy

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s a special Mother’s Day edition of The Round Table! Tune in as Holden uses it as an excuse to be even creepier about his mother issues, plus we give our take on that Arab dude that died last week.

Dear, dearest Lord, happy, uh, happy Mommy Day, if you're a woman, um, and you made us. I love you so much, um, I love you, you faggot, uh, and- Oh, Jesus! What the fuck? The prayer holdings? Have a little respect! I don't know what he's done for you. No, I just, ah, fuck it, uh, you know?

I love you, Mommy God, and, uh, I love my mommy, and, uh, I just wish I, fuck it. You know, I love you, Mommy God, and I love my mommy, and I just wish I could be mommy, you know? Is this just turning into that again? We just talked about how he wants to suck on his mommy. It's an important day for me, man. What do you want to, hold on, what do you want to do with mommy? I want to, well, be mommy's baby. Be mommy's big, fun baby. Oh, it's a round table first.

I'm cutting prayer off. Prayer is over for the fucking episode. It's disturbing and disgusting, and this day should be banned simply because Holden wants to suck on his mother. Who is everybody on this goddamn sinful cast? Jaggy's browsy. I'm drippy. Ed Larson, I'm voiced. Holden McMillan, bada boom. Captain Barnett, I'm voiced. Older MacNeil is bada-boom.

Captain Barnett, I'm just agitated. I'm Ben Kissel. With us in the old chuckle slot, we got the very lovely Pat Dixon. Thanks for being here, Pat. Thanks for having me, fellas. And our always soft friend, Henry Zabrowski. Getting softer. Yeah, looking good.

But this is always Newsman Marcus. Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us? Two men. Today. Two men stormed into a police office in the Dutch city of T-Berg this week. First of all, bad idea. Never storm into a police office.

That's me and Henry Soft from watching Assault on Precinct 13. Bad idea. Oh, God, that movie's great. It's a great one. They stormed into the police office in the Dutch city of T-Bird. It's a Dutch police office, though. This week to report Barack Obama

for Osama bin Laden's murder. Oh, yeah? So these two Dutch dumbasses went into a police station and were just like, we got some breaking news for you guys. We know who killed Osama. it's the guy on tv claiming he did it that's exactly what they said they said uh there is a murderer who is admitted admitted

to the deed on television and who dumped the evidence at sea i love it cnn he dumped it on cnn yeah what was the cop's reaction i wonder mean, this is a crack case for them. They had to do it. They told him to take their beef to the world court in The Hague. Oh! Well, that's going to work out well. It would be hilarious if it was like one dude who's going to retire in three days, and these guys come in and we're just like,

we've got the most amazing case of all time. And the guy ends up taking out Obama. Just see Obama on the news a week later in cuffs being escorted out of the White House. Into a windmill. It just sounds like the most retarded Dutch version of the game Clue.

And Barack Obama did it. That is pretty amazing. Pat, what have you thought about this week's activities with the killing of that wonderful Osama bin Laden? Well, here's the thing about it. I think it's the coolest shit ever. Pretty fun. Basically, he's the president of terrorism.

Yeah. You know what I mean? He's the head fucking guy. We went in and shot him in the head. Twice. One head of state against another head of state. We have a badass president. But I see why he's so mad,

because did you see the shitty little TV he was watching? You are the head of the biggest terror organization in the world. Get a Vizio. Right. Get a nice flat screen. At least one with a VCR and DVD player built into it. I've never seen a six-inch television before.

The only seldom in Afghanistan. Yeah, his, uh, everyone was like, oh, it's a two million dollar mansion, The only seldom in Afghanistan. Everyone was like, oh, it's a $2 million mansion, all this jazz. $2 million gets you less than it does in Manhattan, evidently, in Pakistan. Because it looked like he was living like a squalor to me. Well, he spent it all on walls.

Big walls. But maybe this is the answer. Maybe that's what we need to do. We need to helicopter over, airplane over, and drop a bunch of fucking big-ass Vizio flat screens over the country. I think that'll solve the terror problem. They'll just be entertained. They'll become passive and fat just like we are. I love that he had the gray beard, too,

because he always has the dark beard. He looks like this strong leader. Then you see him at home behind the scenes, and he looks like the cover of Led Zeppelin IV. Yeah, that's the thing. If he looks like the cover of Led Zeppelin IV. Yeah, that's the thing. If he would have played these cards differently, you know, fuck Walt Frazier.

He could be the Just for Men spokesperson. Sometimes I want the wisdom of gray hair, but I want the youth of brown hair. I've combined the two. All right. No, he said something very nice about the Al-Qaeda people. There were two men that came out every day, two Pakistani men, and they bought bulk orders of

Pepsi, Coke, and Nestle. So they had a big sweet tooth over there. And plus there were rabbits everywhere for some reason. Yeah, and marijuana. Did you guys hear about that? What? All the free-growing marijuana all around the mansion. Tons of herbal-derbal. It was all carrots, peas, and just weed.

No, this was Pakistan. But no, it was definitely planted there for his own use. So Osama was smoking fucking mad weed. Oh, token it, man. So there goes our fucking argue on peaceful weed thing, man. God damn it. That's true. I can't wait to see Friday number four

set in Pakistan. That will be incredible. At least we know how it's going to end, right? It's called Last Friday. It's just the last sounds of it while the credits roll. Oh my god. I don't even know.

Ice Cube gets fired for stealing whatever they have in that country. Not boxes, I assume. Rugs, perhaps. Guns. Guns. Well, Pakistan. What do the Pakistani...

Yeah, they have a shit ton of goats. All types of goats. Goats, yeah. Big goats, small goats. What do the Pakistani... Yeah, they have a shit ton of goats. All types of goats. Goats, yeah. Big goats, small goats. How are you going to get fired for stealing goats on your day off? That is the worst black voice of all time, by the way. I want to tell everybody you're very welcome. So yeah, this story is developing.

There's a lot of conspiracy theorists about this as well who don't believe that we got them. I don't know what these people need. Apparently, they didn't like the throw into the middle of the ocean technique. Did we really toss him in the middle of the ocean? Yeah, just throw him in the water. I kind of like how flippant that was. Just like, ah, fuck him. It wasn't flippant, actually.

It was Barack Obama had a whole... He sat down with an imam, and they talked about what's a proper way to bury someone. An imam? It's like a priest. He's talking about his mom again. Is that the chick I want to have sex with? I thought it was like a crab

with a picture of my mother's face attached to it. That just is your mother. That's just my mom. They did it out of respect because in the Muslim faith they're supposed to be buried 24 hours after death. So, you know, they couldn't get him back here on U.S. soil first, so they just had to dump him where he lies. I just don't get the conspiracy theorists, because if there was even a single fucking iota of a chance that this guy was still alive, there would be no way in hell we would have said anything about him being dead.

There was any chance that he was going to come back. If they were going to do that, they would have said that a long time ago. Not like 10 years after people even remember. So how long until his Tupac videos start forming? Yeah, exactly. Start coming up to the surface. You know he already taped a bunch, knowing he was going to get murdered at some point. Well, apparently that's what he did.

He had a whole bunch of stock footage, and they found all the tapes, and they're all of him, and he would just watch himself over and over again. It's like, he really enjoyed his speeches, and the thing is, he would also practice in front of the mirror, evidently, which means he must have some amazing bloopers and outtakes.

Oh, my God. I wonder if he Googled himself all the time. He did. Just for the article, it's in the Daily News, so it's 100% completely not accurate. It's just not accurate at all. Most likely. It was difficult, though. His computer only had two buttons.

I could see him sitting there like he calls his son, and he goes, watch this one. It's so inspiring. Still bad for his seven wives. Okay, Osama. We'll watch your tape. How many of his wives did we kill? Just one.

Did we kill that chick? No, we just shot her in the leg. We didn't kill any of his wives. They were around. Turns out that she was a fairly easygoing woman. Pretty relaxed. Of course. She's married to Osama bin Laden.

Of course she's easygoing. Someone in that relationship has to not be intense. I will say, if I am married to Osama bin Laden. Of course. It's easy going. Someone in that relationship has to not be intense. I will say, if I am married to Osama bin Laden, I'm just going to do the dishes. I'm just not having the fight. Because it's not going to end well. If you're married to Osama, that's probably who the weed was for. I can't imagine Osama was smoking a whole bunch of that herb. Because the paranoia that would go with actual true life feelings of paranoia, coupled with the weed, I mean, he would have to go completely insane.

Yeah, I could see him like, yeah, I think I'm going to blow up the tower. He's just like, all right. I'm just smoking this huge joint. That's fine. And, of course, if he had any sort of hit of that weed, I can't imagine that he would have scrapped those plans right away. Like, fuck it, we'll just take out Epcot Center. We're just going to go to Epcot Center.

Let's just go there. Let's just go to Epcot Center. We'll just go and hang out and just have a good time. I heard they have a mini Canada there. Yeah, that's kind of fun. I always wanted to go to Canada, so I'm just going to go there. We'll all go together on this spaceship called Earth.

I see you've been to Epcot Center. Oh my god, too many fucking times. I had that Italian Coca-Cola. It's gross. Oh yeah, all the other Coca-Colas are disgusting. I like the Japanese one. Mexico's alright. Japanese one tastes like carrots? Yeah. That sounds horrible.

In a good way. Did anyone get loaded around the world? I never did that. I did it once when I was 21. I don't even remember what happened. It's so expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very expensive. I remember I...

So you can get drunk at a park, and it just takes you around the world, so you can sort of like... You have to walk it. Yeah, so for like two hours, though, you can go around the world and just pretend to be the worst American tourist. Yeah, but you can do it all in America, so it's fine. I'm drunk in Switzerland. I'm drunk in Switzerland.

Either way, they hate me. Oh, man. So they have this thing at Epcot Center. I don't know who's been there or not, but they have water that shoots out of the ground and you can go play in it and whatever. And there's this one water stream that just shoots up a million feet in the air. I don't even know how much. Definitely a million.

My buddy gives me shoots up a million feet in the air. I don't even know how much. Definitely a million. One million feet in the air. I want to sit aside as the dude making that plans. My buddy gives me $10 to put my ass over it. But that one only shoots off like once every 10 minutes. So I'm just sitting there holding my ass over it for the longest time. Like a crowd gathers around me. Watch, because we all know it's coming.

It was intense. It was intense. It was extreme. What happened? I got my 10 bucks. I love it. Did you lift up at all? Oh, no, I finished. I waited.

I gave him his money worth. I had an audience. I couldn't just... Did the water lift you up? Oh, no, no. It wasn't that. It was like a cartoon. I'm still real fat, you know.

Yeah, yeah. It must have felt amazing, though, because when I was in Germany for the first time and I sat on one of those bidets. You ever done that, Pat? Never have, no. Oh, my God. That is better than a gal's tongue. It was surprisingly euphoric. Yeah.

I think if we had bidets here, the coffee business would just go out of biz because it just makes you feel so awake and so alive. Just having that fantastic splash against your anus is just a whole nother... You're going to put the gal's tongue out of business, too? Yeah, exactly. We're going to be far happier. Yeah, no one's even going to buy dogs anymore. Especially now. I've been on this new Ally drug.

I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight. And so what Ally does is it attaches to all the fat that you eat during the day, and then you poop out the fat. So that would be kind of fun. I could go for one of those bidets any second now. I'm a little greasy. You've been pooping out fat for the past week or whatever? No, I've just

got on the diet. Ally, check it out, ladies and gentlemen. What does the fat poop look like? It's all bubbly and curly. It looks like... If you had a vat of french fries, you could dip the french fries into it and they would come out crispy. So you can eat whatever you want?

Bro, you don't even fucking want to know what I've been doing. I've been doing everything wrong. It's been so pathetic how terrible I've been eating. I'm getting fatter, so I blame the drug. I don't think it's working. We've got this big tub of ice cream in the freezer that was brought over for Easter brunch,

and Ben's like, apparently kept it over. Ben's like, I have to eat it all. I've got this ice cream, it's driving me crazy. I cannot eat that, man. Why did you, I just want to get rid of it. It's like the whole argument that you can't just abstain from eating it. You just have to eat it as fast as possible so that it goes away. It's devastatingly sad.

The other day I made myself a bowl of ice cream, you know, and I was like, I finished the bowl, and then I was just like, you know what? Fuck it, man. I didn't want that bowl. I know I didn't want that bowl, so fast forward. I'm watching Evil Dead just with a tub of ice cream. It's got to be two gallons.

And I'm just eating it in bed, just loving my life. It was incredible to be two gallons. Dude, it's so much ice cream. And I'm just eating it in bed, just loving my life. Oh, it was incredible. I was happy. I wonder if Osama just did that all day. Also, and I'm still not convinced this even works, but Ben's been smoking mushrooms

to get rid of them. What? Oh, it works, man. Dude, just give them to me. No, you can't handle it. I want to smoke mushrooms. Dude, I know. I was with Henry and Holden

and we were watching. It stinks terribly. Yeah. It smells like cow shit. Yes. You're smoking cow shit. Okay. Sure. If those cows were on Ally, it would be gross. But this is just straight shit. No lard involved.

So I'm with Holden and Henry, and these fucking cocks and sniffers over here refuse to smoke a bowl of mushrooms with me. At two in the morning. You know how sad it is to smoke mushrooms alone with your friends? Not 2 in the morning. It was 4 o'clock in the morning.

We're watching 2001 A Space Odyssey, Pat. First of all, Pat. That sets the clock back two hours, right? That sets the clock back two hours. You're on L.A. time. Whenever you do that, you're back in L.A. I already ate a bunch of mushrooms. I already ate hand mushrooms.

Why haven't you ever learned anything from the Motley crew behind the music? Sure, you can drink Jack Daniels. Or you could put it into a syringe and inject it into your fucking veins. Why? Because it's a possibility. And why? I am not going to sit here and allow social norms

to tell me how I am not to allow to take drugs. I want to put it on the blunt and have a mushroom blunt. Oh my god, a mushroom blunt would be incredible. We would just end up as little trees. That would be fun. It's like Troll 2. Yeah. Well, we

traveled through Nilbog the other night. I just don't know if it works. Oh, it totally works, man. I didn't go to bed until 7. We tripped balls. My dick didn't work. That's the funnest part about mushrooms. You don't have to jack man. I didn't go to bed until 7. You trip balls. My dick didn't work. That's the funnest part about mushrooms. You don't have to jack off. I love it.

You take the pressure off. Stick a knife off. It's so pathetic. God damn. That's my fucking roommate. So the only way to not eat ice cream is if it's not there. The only way to not jack off is if your dick doesn't work. It's the smoke rush.

I mean, it's sad. You're the only true American. Yeah! I killed Osama. I feel like my thoughts have killed Osama bin Laden. Oh, man. We had a guy in Houston

speaking back of Osama. This teacher was suspended after teasing a Muslim student. He was an algebra teacher. I heard about this. Here's his joke. He said to this little girl, I bet you're grieving. And when she asked why, he

said, oh, I heard your uncle died. Oh, man! God! He's a teacher? I must say, as an amateur, this guy's alright. I mean, I'm sorry. And he expressed condolences, which was nice. He wasn't happy that her uncle died.

And it was obviously her uncle, because they were both Muslim. So God knows that's always a fact. Oh, man. What do you think about that, Jackie? Jackie, I want to know, if you were one of Osama's wives, which one would you be? Would you be like the middle wife who just like fluffs his cock and doesn't take the cum? Would you be the gal who cleans up? Would you be the gal who gardens?

What's your duty? Oh, man, I'd just be the one that takes it all. Get all the hate out on me for the country. So the other wives would just love you? Yeah, exactly, man. I'm the good one. You're his towers. I think it's fine. You're the Chloe 70.

That one. From Big Love. Like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like the Covenant Women. I get it. Jackie's extremely sad for some reason. I have no idea why. What's up, Jackie? Oh, nothing. I just spent all of my money.

That'll do it. I was trying to figure out She just got this new apartment Speaking of spending all of your money Pat and marriage as well You've been married once before Twice before Wait how old are you? I'm 40

I thought you were more like 25 So do you think This might have been Osama's greatest day When he's like finally You don't ask that to people. Oh, did that make sense? No, well, no. That's fine. I thought you were more like 25. So do you think this might have been Osama's greatest day when he's like, finally, someone shot me in the fucking head. These wives are driving me crazy. What would you say? What do you think about marriage? I don't think you're going to compare me to Osama bin Laden.

Osama has a huge following. I don't care. Really? I wish I could be careful. I want to be the Osama bin Laden? No, Osama has a huge following. I don't care, really. I wish I could be careful. I want to be the Osama bin Laden of comedy. I'm just still laughing at the fact that Morgan, when you told him about the fat thing, immediately asked you to describe your fecal matter. That's the first thing he went to. Can you describe your bowel movements?

It's white. It really is. It's the whitest poop I've ever seen. It's like, it's the future of poop, ladies and gentlemen. White poop is the future? Yeah, man. It's about bringing races together. I had some orange poop the other day. That was disturbing. That happens sometimes. You usually probably have prostate cancer.

Yeah, usually. Either that or too much Tang. Anybody else get that ass blood ever? Oh yeah I've had a couple black poops You know A couple of those You get those veins in there that pop sometimes You end up wiping too much blood up

Alright I feel responsible for this Yeah Do you want to talk about your marriages at all? Not particularly That's how bad it was that's how bad marriage was i've never heard a person respond like that unless i was like tell me about vietnam yeah they're like i can't talk about i don't know a good marriage story is just so hard to come by these days i just don't even hear him ever i mean

he's just like people yeah but my parents are still together. Yeah, but they fucking suck. And they hate each other. So upset all the time. Just don't get married. It seems like the worst, dumbest thing to do. Happy Mother's Day. You can't be a mother and not be married. That's the thing.

You just got to get fucked. Yeah, yeah. Just get screwed off. Yeah. Holden, did you call your mother today? I did. What did you say to her? I said, I'm sorry, I still don't have a permanent job.

That's good. I'm working on that. And we just talked about my financial status for like a half an hour. That's perfect. Happy Mother's Day. Done. I told her, happy Mother's Day. And I said, I it sound like it was distortion

because it was hard to get the word love out at the end of the day. You need her. I need her. I need you very much is what I told her. I need your financial support very much. That's good. That's what I said.

Happy Mother's Day. That's why they call you the dog, man. Yeah, they call me the box man. Don't call you the box man. You do not have a nickname. They call me the furry freaking dude. Mother's Day is always so weird because you have to blatantly lie to your mother

and just tell her she did a great job. It's just so bizarre. My brother visited my mom, and obviously both of them are gay there, and then there's me. And. My mother, my brother visited my mom, and obviously both of them are gay there, and then there's me. And my mom, so my brother's getting dressed. My mom comes in. She's like, can I come in? He's like, of course. She sits down on the bed. She grabs his two hands, and she looks him dead in the eye.

She's like, you might not believe me, but I know for a fact, you and your two brothers are going to be leaders in the upcoming Christian revolution. This is my mother! I got in trouble for hugging in high school because I was too aggressive with people because I'm a huge person.

And this is why socially... Back up! You're just running around hugging people against their will. Like a big retard. And they're like, no, no, no, Ben, stop. To the point where they had to get the principal involved. Like a retarded person. Yeah, that's the one, Holden.

Yes. And my mother's response, which is why it was so socially awkward, was, he's just hugging people. He loves people. They were so crazy. You can never go to my mother with any sort of thoughts about the world because they would always bring it back to a biblical point of view. My mother was a total fucking nutjob

and she still thinks Jesus is coming back very soon. My mother had a conversation with the science teacher of my Catholic school for teaching about evolution. They sent me to... They let me go to Catholic school, but they were like, you know, it's a little liberal. It's a little bit liberal over there.

So that's how nuts my parents were. That's crazy. So happy Mother's Day. You made me terrible. I had to figure it all out on my own. Oh, man. My mom once sat in on my English class once because they, like, my teacher called my mom and was like, Ed doesn't care about class. Right.

And then he shows up to class with no shoes or books. Were you a 1920s newsie? Why are you showing up to class like that? I think it's definitely telling that they mentioned shoes before books. Right. He doesn't need books if you can just get shoes first.

Sounds like you could have used a hug. Oh, man. He needed a hug. Me and Stinky Yeti would a hug. Oh, man. We needed a hug. Oh, me and Stinky Yeti would have been the best, man. I wish I was your fucking high school buddy. Oh, man. Fuck it, though. I wouldn't have been as popular.

That's true. I'll probably knock you down a few pegs. My mother's quote that she would always give me about school was, C's get degrees. That's what she always said because they don't believe in education. And it's a falsity. C pluses get degrees. You have to have 2.5 to graduate. 2.0 by me. Well, 2.0 in high school, 2.5 in college.

I took the lesson with me. 2.1 in Texas Tech University. Yeah, you graduated. What did you graduate with? Career and writing. No, but what was your GPA? 2.1. Hell yeah. I got a 2.1. Hell yeah.

I got a 2.5. I remember this one time that my mom caught me masturbating. When I was like, they put the computer in my room when I was 14. Oh, man. That's a... I was in the kitchen looking at a quiche. That's a... Just not smart.

So I'm in there just, you know, doing my thing, just throwing it to myself. Asian schoolgirl, right? It was, yeah, Asian lesbian schoolgirls. I remember specifically. I hate this. You love this story. My mom came in the room without knocking, and I freaked out, like covered myself. Of course.

And then just put my hands on the screen. Like, I just put my hand on the screen like she wasn't going to see. Not over your dick. No, no, I had my hand on the screen. This dog is totally out, full of lube. She came in, and she was just like, what are you looking at? And I was like, nothing.

Just nothing, absolutely nothing. And she was like, take your hand off the screen. Take your hand off the screen. Why would she want to see what her kid is jacking to? No, and then I took my hand off the screen. She's like, you're filthy. You're a pig.

You're a fat pig. I can't believe you wouldn She's like, you're filthy. You're a pig. You're a fat pig. I can't believe you would. Oh, you're just abusing yourself. Abusing yourself. And there you're a pig. I should just. And then they took the computer out of my room. Oh, that's so embarrassing.

I remember like the ceremony of my dad taking the computer out of my room. And just going like, this is for your own good, Henry. I don't know why. You know, your dad was so sad he had to do it because he just wanted you to jerk off as much as possible. Let him be normal. Pat, were you ever busted jacking off? Yeah.

And what did you jack off to back in the day? Well, it was different back then. We didn't have the online porn. We had to find the shit in the woods, you know? Yeah, under a log, there'd be a Genesis magazine or something like that. These women all had pubic hair

and tan lines, and you had to blow dry the pages. That would be your porn for the next year and a half. You get to know these chicks, you know? Oh, yeah, man. That's how I started.

They're likes, they're dislikes. Yeah. Did your mom ever bust you cranking on the old meat know? Oh, yeah, man. That's how I started. Their likes, their dislikes. Yeah. Did your mom ever bust you cranking on the old meat wand? Yeah, and here's the thing about that. If you want to take control of that situation, just don't stop, you know? Or just look at her. Like, look at her and just keep on going. You will do.

Oh, I got a live one here. Don't mind if I take this opportunity. I was inside of her once. Let's see what it feels like again. Got your second group of a day. I don't even know why I got that. All the time, I'm plugging his mom all the time. Yeah, but not in that way.

Oh, my God. Whatever. I just feel like you're the only one that actually would sleep with their mother. That's the difference. Well, we don't have to talk about that. Not with the upcoming Christian revolution. Yeah, I got a war to fight over here. I gotta get ready.

Upcoming Christian revolution is monster you and your two gay as fuck brothers. You're not allowed. Gays immediately are in the Christian Revolution. It's written in the documents. Well, it's a revolution. You can change whatever you want. I guess so. Yeah. Oh my god, I just don't know. My mother, god bless her, she works at a nice fantastic chocolate store and she

sells people good ice cream as well. People love her. I bet your mom makes amazing ice cream. Oh, I'm sure. It's fantastic. Do you not eat your mom's ice cream as well. People love her. I bet your mom makes amazing ice cream. Oh, I'm sure. It's fantastic. Do you not eat your mom's ice cream? I don't know what the Dublin Tundra is. There's no Dublin Tundra. I'm just...

Do you feel like I'm not going to eat your ice cream? No, I would eat your ice cream. How is it? It's fine, Ed. I'm just curious. What are you trying to say? I feel like ice cream equals ass in this situation say? I'm glad he's just asking you about the goddamn ice cream. Ice cream equals ass in this situation.

And I don't want to eat it. No! I just don't want to eat it. Only if it's ice cream. That's where your mind went. That's where your mind went. Do I want to eat my mother's ass? No, I don't want to do that right now.

Okay. Right now. Right now. Not now. I'm in a relationship. God. You can't cheat on a girlfriend even if it's with your first girlfriend. There's no reason to cheat.

There's no reason. It ain't right. Marcus. Yeah. Do whatever you want to. If you want to talk about your mother. And that's the train crashing into the building. A Florida woman is facing concealed weapons charges.

They found hundreds of illegal prescription pills on her person. She became ill, was sent to the hospital, where it was discovered that she was carrying a knife and another bottle of pills and a roll of body fat and a second knife in her vagina. Was her name Linda Zabrowski? Body fat? Her name was not Zabrowski. Perez. Gloria Perez. Man, she looks so shiny. Too shiny

for Perez, man. It's a common problem on this podcast. It is a very common problem that confused the Hispanics with the Asians. Yeah. I don't know how. Does it say which number roll it was under? Roll 6B. She put a knife in her roll?

A knife in her roll and a knife in her puss. Oh, my God. Yeah, it must have been a pocket knife. Yeah, Swiss Army. It had to be a foldy guy. I hope it was a foldy guy. That would be so weird. What if she was a stripper and you go to the strip club and you're like, that stripper was so bizarre she had a compass

sticking out of her pussy. Like one of those Rambo knives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always have a compass on the bottom of them. It was just staring at me right in the eyes. But I knew I was south. Oh, man. This is disgusting. Good for her. This is like, yeah. This is, oh, man, this is disgusting. Good for her.

So many drugs involved in seven. You know, I don't know. It's crazy. Is this a common thing for Florida women to do? Yeah. I imagine. I mean, Florida women definitely sell drugs. That's part of what they do.

Definitely. Where in Florida is she from, does it say? Here, keep talking. I'll get back to you on that. So, Kevin, I want to know. What's that? No, I just feel like usually they stay tight. Fort Myers. Oh, yeah. Fort'll get back to you. I want to know. What's that? Fort Myers. Fort Myers is a dirt hole.

Where do women usually stick knives when they have to put it inside of their body? I would rather it in their hair. My mom told me a good story when she got into a fight as a girl with a black girl that had knives in her fro. Really?

They put razor blades in their hair so when girls fight as a girl with a black girl that had knives in her fro. Really? They put razor blades in their hair, so when girls get in a fight, they go and grab their hair to fight them. My mom told me the same story. You cut your hand all up, you can't grab their hair. Is this just something that racist women in their 40s say about black women? Oh, no! It's just like a way, it's a way that gangster-ass

women fight. It's literally sticking in their hair, because that's how women fight. They always grab the hair and then fight. Well, that's not true. But most women, yeah. Most women, yeah. I saw this great kung fu fight. It involved kicks to the face, still a bunch of hair pulling.

Yeah. Oh, that was, I think, on Facebook? Yeah, yeah, yeah, on Facebook. It was a good one. Hannibal posted it on his wall. And he was just like, I'm really, what did he say? I forget the headline that he gave it. It was just like, I'm really into this today or something like that. Yeah, I'm watching this 20 times today.

Yeah, I watched it like four, yeah. It was these two... It was a couple of days ago. It was just two Thai gals. She must have been 15, 16. One chick just nails the other chick in the face with a beautiful Chung Li-like kick. Oh my god. It was gorgeous. Twice, yeah. Great, great kick to the face.

He jumped up and spun around like a helicopter and flew. Twice, yeah. Oh, great, great kick to the face. He jumped up and spun around like a helicopter and flew. Yeah, exactly. And then Henry just immediately started jacking off to her. And Holden yelled for his mom. Love you, Mommy. Speaking of which, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, shit. Who loves your mom more?

That's in the fucking title. Oh, that's good. Yeah. It's a trivia game show about your mom.. That's the fucking title. Oh, that's good. Yeah. It's a trivia game show about your mom. Alright. Who's keeping score? Yeah, I want to hear about Kevin's mom a little bit more too because your mom's a tyrant. So hopefully we can hear about that. Even I'm scared of your mom and I've never met her. Well, she has razor

blades in her hair. I didn't know that was a thing. So this is what we're doing. We're going to go around. Jackie and Henry, you guys kind of have to play together. I'm just going to go. I don't want to be on his team. Team it up! Now you're on his team.

I'm going to ask you questions, and I'm going to keep score here. Each one's for one point, unless I note it otherwise. Wow. How many points are we playing, too? We're having fun with questions, Henry. Just fun with questions, and we will play I don't know what. I don't play games I can't win. Okay, so.

All right, what is your mother's maiden name? I know mine. Well, two around. Rose. Rose, all right. I got a Thorstad. I'm calling a Thorstad on that one. I mean, you have no evidence of if these are right or wrong.

No, I mean, everyone just needs to be honest. Honor code. Just don't make up some bullshit. Thorstad? Yeah. North Dakota. How big is she? Is she big?

No, she was five age. She was molested. It's fine. God. I'm two. Yeah, that's why we were so weird. Yeah. Yeah.

My mom was not. She always brings it up at Christmas. And her maiden name is Gorski. Gorski. Yeah, that's why we were so weird. Yeah. Yeah. My mom was not. She always brings it up at Christmas. And her maiden name is Gorski. Gorski. Pat. Yours? Oh, Rondale. Rondale.

Ooh, Rondale. Jackie? Ran again. Duh. Ooh. All of our answers have to be at the same time. Yeah. It's a big hot contest.

And if you don't know it, you're the worse or son or daughter. We only get half a point, though, if one of us gets it wrong and one of us gets it right. Yeah, sure. I guess. We're making rules up. Eddie. Gorski. Alright. Marcus. McMeans. McMeans? Wow, she went from first? McMeans.

She has the word mean in her name? She called it McMeans over here. You know, my mom's full name is Billie Jean McMeans. Wow! I'm shocked she's not a lesbian. I can't believe she married somebody and changed that sweet, sweet name.

Is Jean, so Jean's her middle name? Jean. Jean's her middle name? It sounds like your mom flips trucks. Yeah, exactly. So you already get the point for the next round. The next question is, what's your mother's middle name? Oh, damn, man. Kevin?

I got nothing. You got nothing? Oh, by the way, it's also a drinking game. You're not drinking, though. But if you have a beer, take a drink. If you don't get a drink, everyone's already drinking. What's up? God, I can't say.

I think it's May. No, you don't know. Pat. Ann. Ann. Shit. One, two, three. May. I, I don't know. Pat. Ann. Ann. Shit. One, two, three. May. I think that my mother's middle name is... I think you just fucking

stole it because you read my mind. Ann. So my mother's middle name has like a weird little story attached to it. See, her whole life, she thought her middle name was Teresa, but we just looked at her birth certificate a couple weeks ago, and it says Therese. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. So her middle name's Therese. That's hilarious. But yeah,, and it says Therese. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So her middle name's Therese. That's hilarious. But yeah, she thought it was Therese her entire life. That's so funny. You should get an extra point for knowing the whole story there. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'll give you a half point.

You got one and a half. Awesome. Wait, I know we're sorry about my middle name, but that's not... No, fuck it. Moving on. Where was your mother... Where was your mother born? One point for the state, two points for the city, four points if you can name the hospital. Where was your mother born? One point for the state, two points for the city, four points if you can name the hospital.

Where was your mother born? Kevin. I mean, I know it's Jamaica, but that's about as deep as it goes. Listen, Jamaica's no talk to the kids, man. They leave us on our own. It's like alligators or something. I'll give you a point. I'll give you a point.

Ben. She was born in California, but that's all I know. All right. I have no idea. No clue. Pat, no clue. What's up? Astoria, Ben. She was born in California, but that's all I know. All right. Don't, I have no idea. No clue. Pat, no clue. What's up? Astoria, Queens.

Queens, Jamaica Hospital. No shit! Get out of here, Ben! Wow, that's crazy. In the asestual. That's creepy the way you say it at the same time, too. Ed, what's up? All I got's Elizabeth, New Jersey.

Okay, that's two. Marcus. Rotan, Texas. Rotan, Texas. Oh, no one else knows that one. So that's Billy and Gene two. Marcus? Rotan, Texas. Rotan, Texas. Oh, no one else knows that one. So that's Billy Jean McPhee. Rotan, Texas. I don't know why.

You guys have the lead right now. All right, birthday. Real quick, let's go around. Birthday. Oh, man. You know, this is... Kevin, you have two points. How do you not know your mother's birthday?

Kevin, Ben, and Pat all have two points right now know it's in one of those months in the summer. I'm bad with this. I'm bad with birthdays. I know my mother was born in Michigan, though. Alright, so Ben. That's a good ball. My mother's birthday is always just

the following of my father calling me and telling me it's my mother's birthday. May 17th. Hank, it's a point. What is it, guys? November 9th, 1951. Creepy as always. What is wrong with you guys? What is the...

11-26-1950. Nice. Taking the age race, though. February 9th, 1955. How do you know that? Because we're decent children. We know our parents. Well, you're not going to be the leader of the new Christian revolution, though, are you?

We're playing to find out who loves their mother more. Parents' names on your mother's side. One point for each name. Oh, man. Mother's parents. Your grandparents on your mother's side. Dude was William. The grandmother, I just called her Mama.

Oh, I love Mama. Ben. I'm going Lillian and Herb. You made those up. Austell and Ruby. That's a hard one. I'm with the two. Carmella and Jack.

Yikes. Ed. That is so funny. Teresa and Edward. Teresa and Edward. She was half right her mother didn't name her after herself. Yeah, well, I don't know what the deal was. Maybe they just forgot the A.

I think they fucked it up on the, yeah. I think they just wrote the birth certificate wrong. All right. And Marcus. Billy Wayne and Luma. was. Maybe they just forgot the A. I think they fucked it up on the, yeah. I think they just wrote the birth certificate wrong. Alright, um, and Marcus. Billy Wayne and Luma. Ooh, Billy Wayne. What a dope fucking name is Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne, yeah. Billy Wayne named their daughter

Billie Jean? Yeah. Were you conceived in a truck tire? Was Billy Wayne the man or the woman? The man. Okay. Hold on, he named his daughter after himself? Yes. Okay. All right.

We're going to have another. Your whole life sounds like a William Faulkner novel. Another bit of trivia about my family. My parents' names, Bill and Billy. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my grandma's name was Charlie. That could not be more Texas of you.

Yeah. It's so disgusting. All right. You queers like football. We're going to get a little more difficult. Where did she go to high school? Oh, Jesus Christ. Actually, wait.

I do know that one. Why? We passed by it last. Excelsior High School. I give you two points. Yeah. Because that's crazy. Yeah.

You know that. I don't even know if my mother went to high school because it's very hard for me to tell. I have no... North Dakota. Somewhere in North Dakota. Yeah. Pat does not know? She met my father there, though.

Jackie and Henry? Christ the King. Christ the King. Yeah. That was the name of a high school in Queens. Scary answer from a scary family. Henry did have to mime that over the table, though. Yeah, yeah, no, but I knew it.

Oh, duck him some points, Holden. No, fuck that shit. Fuck, though. Yeah, yeah, no, but I knew it. Oh, duck him some points, Holden. No, fuck that shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, no, no. Half point. That's a half point. He's running away with this anyway. Oh, man.

That's a half point. All right, yeah. George Washington High School. Wow, I do not know where the fuck my mother went to high school. Jayton High School. Wow. Did you also go to Jayton High School? I did not, but I played football against Jaden High School.

Oh, okay. All right. No. Where did she meet your father? And two bonus points if you know where they went for their first date. God, I don't even know whether they met in this country or not. My parents met in high school in North Dakota, and I think their first date involved some A&W soda stand,

but I'm not entirely sure about that. I just know that my dad tells a story about how he went to an A&W and tried to order beer, because you can do that in Germany at 18, and you couldn't do that in North Dakota. My dad did take a chick to a Jimi Hendrix concert, but it was not my mother. She claimed it was too loud. Your mother wouldn't go?

No, no. It was just he was dating other... He was getting mad puss in college. Pat. Mad puss. That's what all the kids are saying now. Pat! My dad was a Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman and my mother bought one.

Oh. That's how they met. That sounds like a penthouse letter. Are they still together, man? Yeah, they are. Sounds like your dad's a smooth motherfucker, man. Talk his way in like that. That's beautiful. Yeah, that's like his fantasy.

We can't do this together, though. It was at a bar. A jazz. Well, yeah, she was singing. She sang jazz, and my father was an alcoholic. Yeah. And so he said, But he did pick... She wouldn't go on a date with him,

so he bought her a diamond necklace and picked her up in a limo for their first date. Oh, wow. I'll give you that. Wow, that's an incredible first date. It's fucking wild. I would never give that up.

For anybody. Fuck that. That's why I'm gonna die alone. Ed. I'm sorry. Oh, where my parents met? Met. Where did they meet? And where did they go to on their first date? For two bonus points.

They met at a bar. I don't know the name of the bar. My father was actually hitting on her sister, I believe. Of course he was. Talk about mad puss. And the first place they went to was a boardwalk video game place where they played pinball and skee-ball and all that shit. Oh, wow. Okay.

Good one. Two points. Damn, Ed. You're doing good. All right, Marcus. and all that shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Two points. Damn, Ed. You're doing good. Alright, Marcus. Well, they grew up together

and they went to college. Didn't get together until in college, but interesting side note. Don't know where they went on their first date, but I do know this detail. They did not get together in high school, but my mom's dad was the principal of the high school where they both went to

and him and my dad used to hang out. And my dad used to tell my grandfather about all the girls he was fucking in high school. And then a year later, showed up at his doorstep with his daughter. That's what he gets. Wow. Your parents are the same person, and they somehow produced asexually. All right. We're getting close to the end here.

Were you an accident or were you planned? Minus a point for accident, plus a point for planned. Kevin! I mean... I'm a happy accident. And if you don't know, obviously... You were an accident. Yeah, you were happy accident. And if you don't know, obviously, you know, you just donated. You were an accident.

Yeah, you were an accident. It makes sense, given the way I've been treated. Yeah, yeah. So, Kevin's definitely not getting a point there. I was planned. All right. Really? Yeah, she was told in the Army.

Absolutely. You're special. You get a point, Pat. My mom very definitely told me many times that I was an accident. I actually know the answer to this. I was planned and Jackie was an accident. I actually know the answer to this. I was planned and Jackie was an accident. All right, so no points. You pulled it out.

You pulled it out. Ed? I don't know how mine counts. My parents tried for four years unsuccessfully, and then I popped out in year five. And you were the world's biggest baby. Yeah, that was it all stored up in my mom's uterus. Biggest baby in Florida.

You're right. There's a newspaper article. Now I'm fifth. I'm fifth now, but I was number one. How much did you weigh? I weighed 14 pounds, 13 and a half pounds. Oh, no! That's 15 pounds.

Ed, I'll give you the point because your parents wanted a kid. They did want a kid, and I'm an only child. And they tried for so long, and I'm the only one that came out. Your mom's uterus is just no good. Yeah, it's just done. Oh no, she became a diabetic the moment I was born.

No more children. She must have been on Ally. Shit, now this big fat shit, baby. All right, Marcus. Plan. They took a trip

to Colorado for it and everything. You get a point. All right, this is the last question. Lightning round. Has your mother ever hit you? And why? Depending on why, you get plus or minus a point. My mom has hit me plenty of times.

There's been times she broke a pot on me. She broke hangers on me. Were you being mean? No, I think I hurt myself and she was mad at me. You get a point. You should win. Just too strong. Because that was so sad.

He hurt himself and his mother hit him. That's not parenthood. You get two points. Yeah, my father hit me a lot. My mother never did. Your mother never did, so nothing. How'd you get hit? I'm sorry.

Just for being fucking hilarious. No, what? So. It was terrible. I'm sorry, Pat. What's the question again? Did she ever hit you, beat you, hurt you, and why? She didn't beat me.

She would work it out passive-aggressively. Shampoo your hair too hard. I'm giving you a point for that. Because it's weird. Jackie. Jackie Henry. I have never been hit, but Henry's been hit once. My mom hit me with a telephone in the head.

She bashed him right in the face. Of course. It was so deserved. It was ruining her life. Minus a point, Jackie. You can blame him for that. No, that should be a point. It was ruining her life. Minus a point, Jack. You can blame him for that. No, that should be a point. He was being mean. It upset me. I had to watch it.

He was being mean. Ed, where does the list start? Eddie is like sugar-coating Leonard over there. My mom also hit me with a telephone in the face because someone called me when I was asleep. Yeah. My mom hit me with a bag of wood because my room was dirty. That hurt.

Bag of wood? Yeah. My mom pulled a knife on me once and spit in my face. Oh, wow. That's another badge. My mom hit me so many times that I would just let her hit me and I would laugh at her because it didn't hurt. It was just agaron.

Countless times. Did your mom pull your hair? Because my mom used to pull hair. My mom used to grab my hair and pull me places. I always used to shave my head back then so it had nothing to pull. My mom would just beat the shit out of me all the time for anything.

Constant beating. This is the one thing I give you a point. Constant beating. Do you think your mother ever... I'm giving you a point. Yeah. Did she ever beat you for something that you were like, all right, kind of deserved a hit in the old nose for that one? Oh, my dad... Oh, my dad hit me once that I deserved it.

You know, and then, no. That's it. No, my mom just hit me out of just her being crazy. Just insane, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, I've got the tallies right here. Wait, wait, Marcus. Oh, Marcus.

Oh, no, my mother loves me very much. There you go. I don't think your mother exists. Then you don't get any points. So, Kevin got six points. Good. Ben, you got six points. Hey, all right.

Ed, 13 and a half points. Marcus, ten points. Pat, you got six. Jackie, Henry, combo, ten and a half. That's it? That's not fair! Ed is the winner! Ed wins! Ed loves his wife the most! And that makes so much sense! He has Edwidge, New Jersey yesterday and spent the day with his mother

because he's a good son! Happy Mother's Day from the round table of gentlemen! And happy Mother's Day, Mama Kathleen, the only mother to have been on the round table of gentlemen. Absolutely. Mama Kathleen, the greatest mother of all time. Greatest mama. For Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett,

I am Ben Kissel. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode. I want to thank Pat Dixon and Henry Zabrowski. I am looking forward to it. Yeah! There we go, buddy.