The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 46: Mushroom and Strawberry Ice Cream

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this episode of The Round Table, Ben recounts his adventures after eating a tub of strawberry ice cream sprinkled with magic mushrooms on Saturday and talks about his recent foray into the world of diet pills, plus the rest of the gang discusses the end of the world, junior high fight clubs, and the porn collection of Osama Bin Laden.

shut up Kissel who's on prayer this week I think it's Holden no Holden did last week alright kissy kissy alright

I guess we'll do the are we going to start now yeah oh yeah dear Beelzebub thank you so much for making mushrooms and making ice cream

and then making them taste so good when they are together in something I like to call mushroom ice cream in your holy name I pray, amen. All taints.

Amen. Who is on this show? Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Jackie Zebrowski, me howdy. Oh, Ed Larson. Holder McNeely, glue. Come on in. I'm Ben Kissel, and in the Juggle Hut we're very welcome

we're very honored to welcome the fantastic Damien Lemon what's good what's good and Colin Colin what's your

last name Colin Colin Morris Colin Morris the fantastic designer of the last podcast on the left wonderful little

picture little demon face eight eyes eight eyes eight eyes nine eyes nine eyes that's an eyes. Eight eyes. Nine eyes. Nine eyes. That's an odd amount of eyes.

You don't know how to count, do you? I don't know anything. I do know our newsman is Marcus Parks. Marcus Parks is what do you got for us today, my friend? All right. I'm sure that everyone has heard about the end of the world. Yeah. It's happening on Saturday.

Oh, yeah. A man here in New York City. I'm sure that you guys have seen the ads on the train. You know, the global earthquake is coming May 21st. This man has sunk his entire life savings, $140,000, into this ad campaign. That's so true. I feel like his world ended a long time ago. He'd be 65 and his whole life savings is $150,000.

That's the thing. Really, is that the most important thing? That's pretty good, man. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. My mom's 60 and I just loaned her 100 bucks. Well, you're not equating this man to your mother.

Somehow he's crazier than she is. Your mother is smart enough to realize that this misery is going to go on for a long fucking time. I just feel like if it's the end of the world, why not spend that 140 grand on huge sheets of blotter acid, put them out on your bed take a hot shower and fucking dive into the life fantastic much better use than a subway ad campaign yeah does he think that he is a sinner that's going to remain on earth or does he think he's getting sucked up into this portal heaven

oh that's why he spent his entire life saving. Yeah, after Saturday, he's gone. He's not going to need worldly possessions anymore. Man, he's going to be so fucking sorry on Sunday. I know. He's so fucking sorry. So are we doing a roundtable during the end of the world? Yeah. Oh, that's great.

The day after the end of the world. The start of the new world. So we'll all be here. Yeah, I would assume. This podcast will live on forever. You should send them a Facebook friend request the day after just because the fuck with them. Now, we usually, this is a breaking protocol, but Mel, our intern, do Jews believe in this? Do Jews believe in the end of the world? No, not really.

We don't have an afterlife or a deadline. We're just kind of going along with it. You're waiting for Christ. No, not really. There have been so many, actually, like, almost messiahs. I don't think we really care anymore. It's just sort of something to do. Like, you know, you're just chilling outside, but you say you're waiting for the bus because you don't want to look like a loser.

You know, that kind of thing. That's the Jews and the Messiah. I had no idea you were Jewish, Mel. Secret agent in the room. Interesting. They all work, man. They're all shipping. Popping up everywhere.

I was in Wall Street and I saw one of these guys with a big blow horn and his entire minivan was covered in May 21st, end of the world decals. And I just thought how funny it would be on Sunday morning at 8 a.m. when you just see the dude scrubbing it off of his terrible caravan. Or just making it like a Sharpie marker to it. Just make it, uh, 2013. Exactly, yeah. You think there's going to be a bunch of gunfights and shit? That's what I'm saying. There's going to be a lot of suicides, right? At least. Well, I don't know. I read a little. I Wikipedia'd

the main dude. First of all, this is all spawned from a guy who wrote a book in 1992 called 1994? Where he predicted he's a Christian radio host on a thing called Family Radio and he predicted that the world was going to end in 1994

and when it didn't end obviously he just said due to a mathematical error 2011, now I know for a fact May 21st, 2011, that's going to be it so what's going to happen to this poor bastard when round two fails as well it has something to do with the Hebrew calendar

I was looking it up it's about the third month and the third thing. And they're like, oh, no, this is May 21st. Marcus, can you Wikipedia the page? Because he gives qualifications to numbers. The Mayan calendar is the 2012 date. That's all other can of worms. Yeah, no, it's too much.

They're all coming up soon, though. Oh, yeah, man. Get ready for it. I can't wait. Take a picture of this shit. Jud They're all coming up soon, though. Oh, yeah, man. Get ready for it. I can't wait. Take a picture of this shit. Oh, yeah. Judgment Day, May 21st, 2011. The Bible guarantees it.

The Bible, it's a guarantee. Yeah, the Bible guarantees it. The Bible had official press release. Right. I'll get shit in a box and mark it guaranteed if you want it. I'd rather sell you some great brake pads. Oh, oh, gay pride, sign of the end. Gay pride is sign of the end?

Yeah, yeah, he's a homophobe as well. Oh, of course he is. Well, they all are. What's the mathematical equation there? He has it. I have not found,

I'm looking, uh, God damn it, there's so many words. So maybe it'll be like a big gay cock the size of the earth will just slam into it

and just bust it apart, right? Is that kind of the theory? Oh, that would be a beautiful end of the world. Alright, here it is. I think the balls are coming towards me. 7,000 years after 4990 BC, the year of the flood, is the year 2011 AD

by our calendar. So the equation is 4,990 plus 2011 minus 1 equals 7,000. Got to carry the 1. One year must be subtracted and going from an Old Testament B.C. calendar day to a New Testament A.D. calendar day because the calendars not have a year zero. Ah.

All right. Very interesting for everyone. I, like, don't get it. Like, when, how did they know Jesus was born? You know, like, I don't, because it's like before Christ. Dude, it's straight up. What this guy is doing is straight up just like he says a ton of numbers and the redneck stares at him. And it's just like, fucking sounds fine to me, I guess. Like, I don't know the numbers.

He knows the numbers. Like, I can't go past nine. And he added like five of the nines together. He must know. This whole idea just happened on a really slow news day and he had four hours of radio to fill and he had no idea what the hell to talk about. He probably ate a bunch of mushroom ice cream.

Probably ate a whole... I mean, good God. So yeah, yesterday Ben ate a bunch of mushroom ice cream. We documented it. I mean, hoofed it down too. And it was just... We saw the picture of it. It was like mostly a big bowl of mushroom dust mixed with strawberry ice cream.

Yeah. It looked disgusting. Oh, it was the grossest thing I've ever eaten. Well, the thing with the gargoyles and all that. Yeah. So, I mean, of course, basically you eat a bunch of mushrooms. It's definitely more important than the end of the world. Oh, absolutely.

It's the end of the world. I think that, yeah. So, I just went down to Wall Street. It was awful. Mushrooms in commute. That's all that it was. I ended up taking the train for two fucking hours and uh tripping on shrooms it's the worst way to do it and so what happened with the rest of the trip it was just two hours as soon as you were done commuting you're all you know i just drank i just drank a

whole bunch of beers to to like to sort of mask it with alcohol i love doing that you would shit a whole lot with a strawberry ice cream and a bunch of mushrooms. Yeah, that's true. And then beers, yeah. That's going to be a super shit. Has it come yet? It hasn't come yet. I'm excited to experience it, though. Oh, man, plus the ally pills?

Yeah, plus the ally pills. What are ally pills? Ben's doing fucking diet pills that he eats for some reason. I love them. Fucking Jessica Spano over here. Well, they're not speed. They make you... It is a pill, Dam Well, they're not speed. They make you... It's a pill, Damien, that science gave us.

Because we are now gods. You're talking down to me. No, I'm not talking down to you. I am convincing you. What's it all about? Why are you doing it? Imagine a world where you can eat all of your tacos all of your pizzas and all the fat that is in that food is no longer going to stay in your body it's going to flush right out right into your little poops man and you're living the dream it's a pill that takes your

fat from your body and says you know what fat, fat? You don't fucking belong here. I'm gentrifying my fucking body with the fat. It's going away. And I'm replacing it with straight muscle. It's all muscle. How are you replacing it with muscle? I'm replacing it with muscle. I'm gentrifying my fat body with muscle.

How many hours did you work out yesterday? I didn't do it yesterday. I didn't do it. But you did spend a lot of time running from gargoyles that came alive on Wall Street. Yes. That's another part of the diet. hours you work out yesterday i didn't do it yesterday i didn't do it i did do it spent a little time running from gargoyles that came alive on wall street yes that's another part of the diet but you have to eat mushroom ice cream which kind of fucks up the foods a little bit situation but anyway so it takes your fat and it just it just gets it out of your body so you can eat whatever you want you can't just arbitrarily be eating diet pills man i'm not doing it arbitrarily i'm

doing it medically man i'm taking three taking three. Have you done research? He's taking it wrong. How many have you taken? Here's the deal. I am 270 pounds. So, whenever you read a direction, it's like, alright, this is for the average Polish person. I am a larger German fella.

So I'm going to triple it. So I'm going on seven. Wait, you're eating seven of those pills a day? You should see how fucking smooth my stool is. Because you're just making poor life choices, man. It sounds...

What about the blood clots, man? Oh, whatever. Blood clots, schmud clots. You should put some YouTube clips up just in case you die so they can document you. I'm dying on May 21st, 2011. I'm going with them. I want to look good when I meet my maker. Don't have no footage.

That shit is whack. Well, it's going to be a fast one. Not a lot of still pictures. Nobody's going to give a fuck about you. We do have a little camera thing of all the stand-up sets we'll retrieve from them. There you go. Oh, well, God knows. Everyone's going to love those.

Jesus Christ, what a fucking nightmare that's been. It would be kind of exciting if all the fucking good ones got sucked up, though. You've got to admit. It would be kind of like a fun party hell on earth. Oh, there'd be no more fucking law. No, it would be a lot of... We would just hole up in a place and just fucking drink till we die. Do we keep doing the podcast? Yeah.

We've got to, man. Our listeners are the only ones that are going to be left. Is there going to be computers still? Oh, I think so. Not if I can fucking help it. You're the reason it's going to be violent. I think that everybody else would be like, if it was the end of the world, it would be like,

oh, awesome, man. And then Eddie would just be like, shatter windows! Why are you breaking everything? No one's here to even replace it anymore. I would love to take an AK to a Ku Klux Klan rally, man. That'd be amazing. I will say, if you're going to shoot a whole group of people, killing the KKK would probably give you the most sympathy out of anybody. It's like shooting ghosts, man.

It's perfect. They're all dressed in all white, and they're running around. It's like a video game. Oh, man. It would be awesome. All the blood just spewing out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the around. It's like a video game. Oh, man, it would be awesome. All the blood just, like, spewing out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the thing.

There are certain groups I feel like you can kill KKK. I guess you can... For us, you can kill Al-Qaeda. For them, you can just kill all of us. And I can't really think of another group of people that if you heard somebody just, like, mass murdered, you would be like, who gives a shit? No, exactly. I'm happy.

Good job, buddy. People from Georgia. Greenpeace. Vegans. Vegans. All right. Well, we have a consensus. Mostly a conservative one with Greenpeace and vegans.

But yeah, no, I guess you're right. If a whole bunch of vegans got killed, I mean, it would have no effect on me whatsoever. Yeah, no. I would love it. Less blood being thrown on me when I wear my wonderful pimp jacket. Yeah, I love your pimp jacket, Ben. Oh, it's the coolest jacket I own. I usually take it after a bowl of mushroom ice cream.

Walk around town and feel like Huggy Bear. That's all that you're wearing? You just have that on? Yeah, I'm just like flashing my small penis. It's funny, man. I'm like five, six years younger than you, but I feel like I just have my life so much more in control than you do. Oh, my goodness. I have to live with him, man.

It's like an insane nightmare. I woke up hungover on Saturday. He made me pound a tall boy before we met for our business meeting to, like, co-write a web series. Yeah. It was madness. It's definitely going to be a success. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be huge. I mean, everyone's going to love it.

The first episode is all about beer and chicken wings, so it'll be a success. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's going to be huge. I mean, everyone's going to love it. The first episode is all about beer and chicken wings. So it'll be pretty good. So you guys just write about whatever you're doing? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, no, we went to Buffalo Cantina where we got the chicken wings and I got a Cuban. And my picture is not on the wall for the Super Coup Challenge. For those that don't know, I did a Super Coup challenge.

12 wings. Now these are the hottest wings you can ever experience. I saw that shit. Okay, you did that? He did suicide wings. He didn't even do the wing. He fucking pussified the challenge so that his big fat ass body could do it. He only did six. I don't even think he finished them.

I did 12 Super Coup wings in under two minutes. I was there. Witness. It was devastating. I was beet red. I looked 12 super wings in under two minutes. I was there. Witness. Oh, it was awful to watch. It was devastating. I was beet red. I looked like some sort of radish gone terribly sad. I saw you three hours later. It's like you were a shell of the man you used to be. I was beaten down.

You were a real extremist. Like, what's the end goal, though, Ben? Where are you trying to go with this shit? What's going on? I'm just trying. I've always said, I just want to live an interesting life, and I'm going to die very, very soon. And I can't wait. I'm so depressed. I like that.

I like that. I've been depressed my entire life. You're excited, though. You're excited, depressing. You're real excited about it. You're manic. I'm going out my way. I'm good.

I'm not giving that. No, I'm going out and making everybody very uncomfortable while I do. So Ben's crowd work at the Village Lantern on Friday night was to say to a couple, hey, you two love each other? And they're like, ugh, we like each other. Then he's like, yeah, what's closest you ever got to break it up?

It's fine crowd work. That's what I wanted to know about them. Everybody else is like, where are you from? Oh, what do you do? I don't give a fuck where you're from. Why do you hate him? That's what I want to know. Because that's a question that may lead my brain

into a place of where like, oh, I'm not completely bored with this mundane fucking, I'm from Minnesota. It's like, I know you're from Minnesota. You're morbidly obese and you're in this terrible bar. Well, in the world of porn, I don't know. Let's bring it back to sex, please.

Osama bin Laden's compound, full of this stuff. Oh, yeah. Extensive collection. Did you guys see the Daily News and the New York Post headlines, though? Oh, yeah. Post one, right? Yeah, Daily News, Osama bin Laden, New York Post, Osama bin Wankin. Oh, Osama Ben Wankin.

Oh, Osama Ben Wankin wins. It's so great. Oh, yeah. T-shirt. Did it say what kind of porn he was into? No. I mean, what do y'all think this guy watched? Baby porn.

Not kids. Like, adults dressed like babies. I would say he probably watched your classic L.A. porn. I bet he was reeling into big-titted white women. Just because that's so naughty for him to be into? Probably, yeah. But the thing is,

I have a theory this isn't even true, that they're just bringing this up to discredit him more and more. To fuck his image up. I will say, I mean, I think it's true what you said, but the CIA, their plan is to, like, show him as, like,

a normal person, not like a saint or not like this beautiful fucking head of this company, just like a normal-ass dude. Gotcha. But really, I think they're just humanizing him

to the point where it's kind of like, I wanted to hang out with Osama bin Wankin. So much fucking weed and porn, man. We could just smoke weed, fucking watch porn for hours. Tons of weed and just, like, jack it off

and it's like, no one's bothering your ass. You're with Osama bin Wankin. In my head, I don't think he would have that shit. I think it might be a lie because wasn't he just so obsessed with everything that like obviously he had the time and the

calculations in his head to like get all this stuff together and get all these people behind him. Masturbation's a good nervous kind of tick thing to do when you're full of anxiety. You know, you go beat off, you know? I don't think he had it in there. I'm going to say that. You don't think?

I mean, why wouldn't he? I imagine he had one. A lot of it was on disk drives and stuff. I mean, he didn't have like piles and piles of DVDs and videos. Oh, I thought that's what you meant. I thought it was like all throughout. No, it's all on junk drives and shit that they said actually could have been his kids' stuff. I was about to say, who all is there?

Yeah, yeah. His kids live there and stuff like that. So they're just pinning it on him, I guess. You know, he doesn't deserve this. I don't know if that's true. KB, what kind of porn do you think he was looking at? I don't know, man. I'm with the same Cali shit, just white bitches, man.

The dude's got a lot of years under his belt. I imagine he knows how to work his dick. Can you imagine how well you can do that shit if you were the age of Osama Bin Laden? Be chilling. Yeah, just 54 years of just knowing how his dick comes. Just making it happen all the time. I feel like I'm two years away from not even using my hands anymore. Just staring at it with negative eyes.

And he's taking his shirt off right now as well. Yeah, and he's extremely sweaty for some reason. Can you guys masturbate without using your hands? You can use a girl's feet. Well, yeah. That's a good point. It is possible. I'm not capable of doing it, but I've read that certain dudes can do it like that.

Really? Just by flexing the bone. Really? Just flex the muscle. Flexing bone, huh? Yeah, flexing the bone. Bone flexors 3, which is really a good pick if you're ever interested in seeing it happen. Or a bone flexor.

Continue to make fun of him. I love it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to jack off without the hand, man. That's tough to say. I think secret agents, like the British CIA, their first invisible ink was just semen. Yeah. And so they would have to be able to

come on command. So I bet you that they probably figured out a way to... Invisible ink? The first invisible ink was they would use dye and come and uh that was it so the dudes would always just have to be in like the most tense situation of their lives like crouched in a corner you know next to some fucking terrible soviet general squeeze one out really quick put it on a piece of paper write write whatever they had to say about

yeah i'm about to die I'm currently jacking off. You don't think they just kept a little vial of semen in their pockets? I mean, how? You'd have to keep it warm, right? You'd have to keep it pressed next to your leg. I mean, that works out, right? There are some people that can do it without... Like duck sauce packets? Exactly.

And at lunch, when he throws the packets, he's like, I think you gave me the wrong one This is not the ketchup Henry I fucking asked you for the ketchup Are you a fucking spy How many times do I have to eat your cum with my fries I'm the mayonnaise package Walking around with pockets of semen man

I know what's going on He's without a CIA agent Come on his food. Well, that sounds like a fun time for you, Jackie. Meow. It's like that fucking asshole that put the cum in the water. I'm down with that. I think it's fine.

What's that, cum in the water? The guy from a couple months ago. The guy that came in the water bottle. It was funny. I was hanging out with my mom last week. I was like, hey, you want to get some White Casters? She's like, no, we can't go there. All the boys pee in the ketchup bottles.

How did she get this piece of information? I guess when she was a kid, all the boys peed in the ketchup bottles. All of her friends did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's awesome. Elizabeth, New Jersey, you know. It gets dirty, man. Well, I got a boys being boys story over here.

Good. Awesome. This is out of Naperville, Illinois. Oh, I used to grow up there. I went to kindergarten there. Did you? Oh, preschool. Preschool, yeah.

Are you serious? I'm dead serious. Wow. Eight junior high boys have been suspended for running a fight club. Oh, okay. That's about junior high status. Yeah. About junior high.

We did one in junior high, too. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Before the movie came out and everything. Really? Oh, yeah. So you guys just meet up and wrestle or punch? Punch. We had boxing gloves and we just beat the fucking shit out of each other. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, before the movie came out. Really? So you guys just meet up and wrestle or punch?

Punch. We had boxing gloves and we just beat the fucking shit out of each other. Oh, fun. Yeah. We did that, but with sock and boppers. We were a big bunch of fucking pussies. Oh, yeah. It was great.

We had four boxing gloves in total, obviously. But one of the boxing gloves, one of the right hands of the boxing gloves, the padding was all worn out. And so if you got that one, you were really punching people. You just straight up hit people with your knuckles. It was great. Yeah, it was tough. We used to do something similar.

This guy Casey Rudin and I had a fight, and I was such a big, dumb fucking asshole that I was like, I'm just going to let him punch me in the face for the first two rounds because I liked Mick Foley and I thought he was going to be cool. And then he just knocked me out immediately. It was so embarrassing. He's very, very tight. He's the janitor now. He was so embarrassing. He was like,

he's very, very tight. He's a janitor now. He was very tight. He was a tough little kid. But, God, I was just like, maybe I shouldn't let him hit me in the face

25 fucking times. It was brutal. It hurts, man. Damon, you ever been hit in the face? Not voluntarily, but again, you got a history of poor decision-making, man.

I don't understand this shit, man. You're a real tall white man. I thought you had a lot of things going for yourself, and now you just get knocked out for fun. You're fucking eating mushrooms and strawberry ice cream. You're taking diet pills like Elizabeth Berkley and shit. I think diet pills are a very healthy step in the right direction. I don't know about that. Seven a day?

Do you understand? I just can't believe this is a controversial situation. How much weight have you lost? Have you lost any weight? I've been eating a little bit more. I'm kind of breaking even. Overall, I'm enjoying it.

Just allowing you to eat more? That's why it's great. Because it takes 50% of the fat away from the food. How does that shit make you feel? I feel amazing. And I feel like every time... What? You're probably not even shitting out fat.

You're probably shitting out the lining of your intestine. It's all weight. That weighs something. I'm losing it. I'm losing it all no I do not I think

yeah that's the thing aren't you didn't you study nutrition and things I study nutrition oh no but you know about this shit a little bit

yeah what is he doing to himself you think it actually is the inside of his intestines it depends on what it is I don't know what the fucking science is there I googled it

and according to ally.com it's one of the best diet drugs around I'm sticking with it I do like Damien though that you seem generally I googled it, and according to ally.com, it's one of the best diet drugs around. I'm sticking with it. I do like, Damien, though, that you seem generally concerned. You genuinely, like, actually concerned.

We just laugh at him, you know? We're just like, yeah, Ben. He's just going to wake up dead. I'm not going to wake up dead. That's an impossible thing to do. Hello! Fuck you! I am the smartest man in the world. God damn it!

God damn it! God damn you! God, somebody save this podcast. What? Would a beheading do? Let's try it out. Is this maybe a beheading slash pedophile corner? No.

I'll take it. The pedophiles have been keeping a low profile lately. Why? I don't know. I haven't had a... Getting smarter? Is that a pun? Getting much smarter.

No, it's not intentional. I get it. A woman in the Canary Islands out of Spain, a British woman, was randomly attacked and beheaded in a supermarket by a homeless Bulgarian man. Where was this? This was in Spain. Wow! See, the day that I have to be worried about random beheadings is the day I just fucking get into the spaceship and fly to the moon.

You know what I'm saying? Go to the piece of cheese in the sky. What did he behead her with? A knife he stole in the supermarket. He just walked in the supermarket, stole a knife, and just... And he came out of the supermarket holding her head. No way! That must have taken a while.

Like, it takes a while, especially with a random knife in a supermarket. It's going to take you a while to cut someone's fucking head off. You both have seen... Canary Islands? Yeah, Canary Islands. It seems too docile for some shit like that. The Canary Islands? Well, he's Bulgarian.

He's Bulgarian. Yeah, his name is... He's Bulgarian, but Dan, that's... Dayan Valentinov. Now, you guys have seen beheadings. Mark, is Ed right, too, or no? You, Ed? Oh, yeah, I've seen the one.

Yeah, I've seen the one. Why do you assume that I've seen beheadings? Because we talked about it. You watched the Snuff documentary. Oh, yeah, that's right. You told me, don't watch the Snuff documentary. I was forced to watch a beheading last night because of it. That's right you told me don't watch the snuff documentary i was forced to watch a beheading last night because of it that's right now now i remember there was that

one beheading with the news reporter that everyone saw where they had a girl guy yeah where they had to take like eight whacks that right they have to hack at the fucker so a little knife i mean we're talking about a huge machete on that guy yeah a little knife that's i want to know why yeah there was no way you guysic, he's just crazy. I was about to say, yeah, his lord god Gobo told him to. She looks like his mother. Why wouldn't someone stop him on the first

fucking whack? I wouldn't stop him. If a dude cut somebody's head off. That's the thing. She's already dead. Yeah, that's the thing. That's exactly the thought. Like, oh, that dude's cutting that chick's head off. Like, that's the thing. And it's literally, that's exactly the thought. Like, oh, that dude's cutting that chick's head off. Like, what are you going to do?

Hey, I don't think you should do that. I feel like there's got to be somebody with a gun in there, right? In the Canary Islands. Why? In the Canary Islands, no. It's like the least likely place. It's like a vacation. There's a bunch of motherfucking shopping carts making U-turns in that bitch.

Like, wait a minute, not me. Now, the guy... guy uh somebody in the parking lot just like driving by seeing the dude with the head outside being like what are they selling in there the world is changing now they're selling human heads in the market it's not like when i was a kid not got the last one heads will roll sale come down saturday Wholesale. Come down Saturday. May 21st, 2011. Pure evil in this podcast. The man claimed to be a prophet of God. Of course he did.

Yeah, he left a psychiatric unit in February where he was receiving treatment for paranoid schizophrenia. He ran into the woman in the Social Security office. And the woman told the security guard that a vagrant had threatened her she waited for the tormentor to move on she left went to the discount store next door valentinov came in got a and a discount store knife too this is not a nice knife oh wow very hard to do i wonder if he went through like two or three of them they kept on breaking yeah i wonder if he like i wonder if it was planned i wonder if he just

randomly ran into her and said, now I got to fucking kill her. I don't even want to tell you this, honey, but I'm going to murder you in 30 minutes. I just got to do it.

You're lucky number 18,000. And she was 60 years old. Oh, okay. She was already pretty much So yeah, he probably got that head off pretty quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those just pop right off.

She's half dead already. Well, yeah, even more than that. Yeah, she's like a Pez dispenser. Right. Oh my goodness, yeah, yeah. Those just pop right off. She's half dead already. Well, yeah, even more than that. Yeah, she's like a Pez dispenser. Right. Oh my goodness. Now she is indeed.

Elderly people, skin cuts easy. Good for him. Come visit the Canary Island beach destination getaway. Go to the grocery store. Poor woman. She's already broke as hell. 60 years old. I'm going to shop at the grocery store. Poor woman.

She's already broke as hell. 60 years old. Having to shop at the discount center. And just gets her head cut off. That is a shitty, shitty way to end a life. I mean, at a discount. I would rather be at a Walmart shopping for underwear and get my head cut off. At the fucking Dollar Tree.

God, I don't want to die at the goddamn Dollar General. No. Your last view is just of shitty candles that don't smell like palm trees. Statuettes of baby angels. And then five-hour energy drinks marked down to 99 cents because they're expired. I used to whistle a different tune, but I'm pretty sure Banging a Hooker. I think that's the way I want to go. That's how you want to go?

Fucking great, man. You're just in an anonymous room. You know, they call, like, your cousin or somebody comes in. What are you talking about? You're the most romantic noonie doonie. Yeah, I'll tell her I love her and shit. Oh, my. You're a fucking asshole, too, Holden. Because of

Friday Night, Ed. I feel bad for Ed. I apologize to Ed right now, but Ben, Ed. I feel bad for Ed. I apologize to Ed right now, but Ben, I do not feel bad at all about this. The club. The club. When I went into the club. Oh, no.

No, I wasn't. Oh, no, completely. I was like, Oh, whenever you're playing the story. No. So we went to a club and there was a party and I couldn't get in because I don't have proper identification.

And they said they thought Holden was already in and I wasn't. And I completely gave Holden the okay to go in there. My And they said they thought Holden was already in and I wasn't. I completely gave Holden the okay to go in there. My phone was dead. That's fine. You know what I did? I went to that sushi place we went to. Yeah.

Treated myself to a $40 sushi dinner. Well, you're the king of the university. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The smartest man alive. I had a great time. And then I come out of the club, been screaming at the bouncer, yelling at him, making a scene for the girls. I'm not making a scene.

I go to this place. Holden tells me to go to this club. It was with these two nudie-tootie chicks who were just very too good for him. And so I get to the line and there's a rope for some reason. No one's in line. There's no one in the club either. No one's there.

Barbershop. Avenue B between 10th and 11th. It's called the Barbershop. It's called the Barbershop, right? And so I get there, and I'm like, all right, I'm just going to go in there. I'm going to spend my hard-earned money that I get for cuddling dogs all day at your establishment. And the wench working the thing is like, any girls with you?

Any girls with you? I'm like, no. But I have bosoms. I was giving her a little razz. I was like, I'll tuck it. I'll do anything you want. Just get me in there. I'll blow it in the bathroom for you.

What the fuck do you need me to do to enter this shitty-ass bar? You think this is going to get you in? Yeah, it's going to get me in. You should get me in. I'll burn your bar down. I'll call your bartender a cunt. I'll fuck it. I'll do whatever you want me to.

I'll give you some Osama bin Laden. I'll give him something he'll like. I mean, it doesn't matter. And she was like, no, you can't do it. So I text Holdenen and he comes out and it was just fascinating to me that you would enter a place and there was another dude outside uglier than me and they just straight up told him he wasn't attractive enough to go in wow and i was like this is this is nazi germany i was this is the first time yeah i've ever even dealt i've never been at a club where there was a line and you had to get in. There wasn't even a line.

I was like, you know, nobody is going to this stinky ass shithole. And of course you didn't like that. I refuse. I refuse to wait in a line to get in a club. I just fucking refuse to do it. Fuck you. How was it? It was fun.

I was just there to hang out with those chicks. I wasn't there to fight. Whatever, with the club, it was fine. They bought me drinks, which I had a great time. The chick's body... He is the woman. It was so funny. We walk up. It's like three hot chicks, me and Holden.

And the guy... And I'm over to the side, and he's like, You four are already in here. You weren't. And I was like, Well, obviously I wasn't. I'm a fucking giant dude with a beard and long hair. Right. So I went to the end of the line. I'm just making jokes and everyone making fun of the bouncer. And I'm like, you know what I'm saying?

I'm just going to get out of here. I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. But Holden was just like, oh, my best friends can't get in? Fuck them. I'm going in. Am I fucking the chicks tonight? No, I'm not going to fuck the chicks. I'm just going to agree with them on social issues all fucking night

That was a down payment That was a deposit on banging those broads Yeah, yeah Not if they listen to the podcast That's the thing Speaking of which I know you were talking about that a lot Do this thing you're never gonna listen to

Check it out Alright, got a segment from Holden McNeely Alright, it's the round table spelling bee And then you put in this awesome song And then it's something like that Fuckers Is it gunfire? Is it gunfire spelling bee?

It'll be like laser guns So we're gonna go around, we're gonna do two at a time And then we'll do a final round We're gonna start with, it's Kevin versus Ben Kevin, we're gonna go first with you it's Kevin versus Ben. Kevin, we're going to go first with you. What, I don't even get to fucking participate? You're next. You're in the next round. Going around the circle.

Kevin, the word is coprophilia. Oh, you really are an asshole, man. I suppose using the sentence is not going to help. Well, it is I'm super into coprophilia, therefore I

woke up all covered in shit. I'm super into coprophilia, therefore I woke up all covered in dookie. C-O-P-R-O-P-H-I-L-I-A. Correct! You got it! He knows that he's going in the right direction.

Marcus is bobbing his head over there. Yeah, right. Good, right. Now I'm going to say the fucking word. I know how to spell copepelia. It's getting heated. We all know Kevin is smarter than me. Well, yeah, he's better looking too. I know how to spell copropelia. It's getting heated. We all know Kevin is smarter than me. Well, yeah, he's better looking, too.

I know. That's why I'm condemned to radio. Okay, Ben, your word is tribadism. N-O. How the fuck do you spell it? I don't know how to spell it. Sribaldism. Do you want a definition?

Ask for a definition. May you use it in a sentence, please? Yes. Mary and Susie enjoyed the act of tributism by rubbing their muffs all up on each other

until they came all over the place. Mary and... Is that what it is? It's like scissoring. Lesbian sex act of rubbing two vaginas together. Mary and sex? Is that what it is? It's lesbian sex. Scissoring. The lesbian sex act of rubbing two vaginas together. Scissoring? Essentially, yeah. Doesn't work.

Synonym? Tribidism. Tribidism. Tribidism. How do you know scissoring doesn't work? I've tried. It doesn't work.

Really? Yeah. Oh my goodness. I think you have to be really good at this. I think you have to be crazy good. How would you get with

the huge beast woman's vagina that you were with? Well, she was small. Oh, she was the small one? Yeah. Nice. You're not getting up and up, Ben. Tripidism.

Tripidism. Jackie scissoring a thin woman. Thin. Thin. Thin woman. Tripidism. T-R-I-P. Tripidism.

Incorrect. All right. Let's go. So Kevin's going to move on to the next round. I'm done? You're done. That's how it goes. He's so sick. Jackie, this is a two-worder.

No, come on. That's not fair. It's a two-worder. Danza slap. Alright. Can you use it in a sentence? Yes. Um. I gave a chick danza slap. Alright. Can you use it in a sentence? Yes. I gave a chick Danza Slap.

I I smacked her in the head with my cock and then raised my fist up in the air and proclaimed who's the boss. No, no, this was on a fucking website. Danza Slap.

Alright, alright. D-A-N-Z-A space S-L-A-P Correct! Yeah! Tony Danza, who's the boss? Thank you.

Your word is Lucky Pierre. Okay, I can do that. Alright, so it's an L and then, hold on, can you give me a definition of a Lucky Pierre real quick? Yes, it's a man in the middle of a three-man sandwich. So what is it again?

A man in the middle of a three-man sandwich is a Lucky Pierre. It's a Lucky Pierre on a Kevin Barnett. I actually have it. There was actually a sentence on the site so I want to give it to you. Okay. Roy was happy he got to be Lucky Pierre last night and it meant

double the pleasure for him. Ah, okay. That makes it just like the sentence. Who? Roy. Good for Roy. Roy definitely got fucking Lucky Pierre. L-U-C-K-Y hyphen? Incorrect. Jackie is moving on to the next round Alright now for our chuckle hunters

Um okay Uh Damien Yeah let's do it Analingus Oh shit I don't even want to hear this shit in a sentence But let's hear it in a sentence Okay Ben is a huge Fucking fan of Analingus I don't even want to hear this shit in a sentence, but let's hear it in a sentence. Okay.

Ben is a huge fucking fan of analingus. He got to suck on that chick's butt. Analingus. A-N-A. A-N-A-L-I-N-G-U-S. Correct. Yeah, very good. All right.

Moving on. You ready? Yeah. You feel strong now? Okay. I'm going to do it to you. All right. Your word is gorilla salad.

Oh, come on. That's just two easy words. It's two easy words together to make one word. But what is it, though? It's pubes. Oh, okay.. That's just two easy words. It's just two easy words together to make one word. But what is it? It's pubes. Oh, okay. All right, all right. Keep going.

You just want to tell us what a gorilla salad is. You can just tell us what a gorilla salad is. I like gorilla salad. I like gorilla salad a lot. Your word is anaphranal. Let's go with the definition on that one. All right. It is an antidepressant that causes people to have an orgasm every time they yawn.

What? That would be great. Is that real? Yeah. What was the word again? Anna Frannel. Anna Frannel. I took a bunch of Anna Frannel last night, got tired, and came all over myself.

a bunch of anofranol last night, got tired, and came all over myself. A-N-O? Incorrect. Here's the final lightning round. We got Kevin, Damien, and Jackers. But meanwhile, how do you get that?

That. I googled weird drugs. Oh, man. Sleepy cum medicine sounds like right up my alley. Which, by the way, on that list of the five weirdest drugs was ally, by the way. It's too easy to spell, though. It's just A-L-L-I. Okay.

All right. We're going to go with Kevin. We're going with Vominatrix. Vominatrix. I used that in a sentence, man. Okay. The Vominatrix whipped me with a belt and then did weird

poopy stuff with me until I puked everywhere. Were you jacking off while you were Googling all these terms? That is bad. It's a dominatrix who specializes in making her clients vomit. Alright, uh, Vominatrix. V-O-M-I-N-A-T-R-I-X.

Okay, you got it. Wow! He's smart. Okay. Well, you should probably have sex with him. I can't. I've already tried. Oh, Kevin! have sex with him. I can't. I've already tried. Oh, Kevin! Have sex with Jackie!

What the hell? Right now. Right now. Underneath the table. I'm sorry I've been an asshole about things. Damien, your word is autofillatio. Okay. Do you want a definition?

Yeah, go ahead. Give me a definition. It is a dude sucking on his own dick. Oh, okay. I thought it was car dick suckers. It's called stunting. All right. He's showing off.

He's being the luckiest man on earth. Otto fellatio. It is a noun. German descent. Of course. It's not a verb. Is it A-U T-O F-E

L A-T-T-I-O. Incorrect. It was a double L. It was a double L. Filet, huh? I can't say it is double A. Okay, fuck.

I'm running out of words here. Yeah. Gorilla salad. I'll do it. I'll fucking give you a gorilla salad. What is gorilla salad? God damn fucking bitch

It's just pubic hair I got him Alright You have a lot of them Jackie Your word Kevin won't fuck you Jackie your word is

I'll be a baby for you Jesus Jesus Christ Your word is Loxanocin Hill No come on Hillification

Nope I got one I got one Alright Agalmatophilia Well that is impossible Nihilipillification. Nope. I got one. You got one? All right. Agalmatophilia. Well, that is impossible. Agalmatophilia. Well, you can choose between that or Phloxenossinihilipillification.

All right, what's agalma... What is it? Agalmatophilia. Agalmatophilia. It is a sexual attraction towards statues, dolls, mannequins, or similarly figurative objects. Can you repeat the word, please? A galmatophilia. German descent.

A-G-A-L-M-A-T-A. Damn. M A T A Damn. Oh. Kevin Barnett, you're the spelling bee winner. Kevin Barnett is the winner. This is what I do all day. Real nigga shit, son.

Real nigga shit. Congratulations to Kevin Barnett and to the round table of gentlemen for Jackie Zabrowski. I'm going to get so drunk now. Ed Larson. Holder McNeely. Oh, my boogos. Represent for my block. Jamie Lynn Collin, thank you for being here.

Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel. I am looking forward to it. Yay! I like that one.