The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 47: Muddlin' Midgets

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Midgets! They muddle our mojitos, they muddle our margaritas and they’ve especially muddled this episode of the Round Table. Tune in to hear stories of muddling and more, including Stalin’s Area 51 Retard Plot and the return of your favorite segment and mine, Pedophile Corner! We’ve also got one of our favorites, Louis Katz, sitting in for our boy Eddie this week.

no dear am i praying now yeah whenever you start you will be dear god if i were a bird i'd be a chicken and then i could lay my own eggs and if you could make me a chicken too i'd be call day just for you in the name of your eggs and your feathers and your fucking, what is it? Cockles? The reds? I want red goo. And I can sit on the round table and I can fucking lay golden

eggs for my boys and they'd eat my eggs. And then we'd eat half an omelette soup. Thank you God. In the hose we pray. Jackie. Thank you, God. And the hoes we pray. Jackie. You signed it? You signed your prayer?

That was the best prayer yet. Welcome to the Post-Rapture Roundtable. We're all here. We're all sinners. And we're all in hell. Who is everybody on this Roundtable of Gentlemen podcast I've heard so much about? Jackie Zebrowski. Louis Katz. Louis Katz sitting in for Edward Larson. Louis, you are much about. Jackie Zebrowski. Louis Katz.

Louis Katz sitting in for Edward Larson. Louis, you are much more attractive. I'm happy to look at you. That is fantastic. Holden McNeely. I'm out here. Kevin Barnett. What's up?

I'm Ben Kissel. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parkus. Marcus Parkus, what do you got for us today, my friend? Oh, yeah. I got to real quick. I got to say, by the way, without Henry Henry and Ed here it's like I just feel like I can move like I have space

yeah there's a lot in the room there's so much less fat in this room it's amazing it's just also going to be weird because Ed I don't know if you guys

know this but Ed punches my thigh when he laughs really hard during the podcast so Louis if you could hit me I would like that better I'll chop you in the neck

every time alright yeah give me the neck chop! Speaking of spankings and slaps, this first story is going to be a real doozy. Everyone's extremely hungover. This is going to be a weird one, ladies and gentlemen. So get your dick tarred.

I'm drinking Coca-Cola. I know, we're not even drinking right now. That's how fucked up everybody is. Everyone's got coffee and shit. I got a fucking iced coffee, man. That ain't me. That's not me. All right.

Out of Virginia, businessman Henry Allen Fitzsimmons offered a deal to single mothers, recovering drug addicts, and other young women needing help. He'd give them an allowance, a home, and promise to pay for their college education if they'd agree to be spanked if they broke his rules. Yeah, this is so hot. All right. Like failing to call him or drinking too much alcohol. Oh, that'd be bad.

Six of the women now say his scholarship program went too far and Fitzsimmons is faced with multiple charges. The scholarship program, huh? Yeah. I like that. The women received $200 a week But he kept telling them that they weren't ready for college I mean why

They don't need to go to college They have a job paying $200 a week You don't have to do anything Just get spanked Get erotically touched by this nice business man Oh yeah he's sexy too These girls are definitely not ready for college If you're that much of a sucker, that much of a chump,

that you signed up for this scholarship program, no college for you. No college for you. No college for you. I mean, I don't know. I would take it. It sounds great, man. I'd be all up on that.

That's the thing. You would get a scholarship. If some guy would spank you, you'd be in it? 200 a week. How much is that really going to inconvenience me? It doesn't make any sense. You get spanked. You can't sit in the toilet for a day.

I just wonder how hard he really did spank them. You can't sit in the toilet for a day. I just wonder how hard he really did spank them. Well, here's a... I can answer that. Oh, wow. He's facing two felony abduction charges, which I don't know

why it's abduction. Abduction. Yeah, if you're paying for the person to live in your house, I don't think that's abduction, right? I don't know.

It's just a nice business arrangement. Weird rent, that's all it is. Weird ass rent. It's like, you don't pay rent. That's all it is. Weird ass rent. It's like, you don't pay rent. I spank you. That is your payment.

These hoes today are just mad unappreciative. He's done everything for them. I'm saying, man, yeah, $200 a week? Sure. That's great. And you live in free? Man, I think it's fine. I mean, don't tell my girlfriend this.

She's going to start charging me. Oh. Well, here's the rest of the allegations. He has three felony object sexual penetration charges after two of the women say he forced them to submit to beatings and a third says he sexually assaulted her with a curtain rod, a hairbrush, and a horse riding cross. This guy sounds like NYPD.

So, Jackie, you've been brutalized before. What was the strangest instrument that you've been attacked with in a sexual way? I've never been really attacked with a weird instrument. The look of pondering, by the way, is very upsetting. That's how you took that question so seriously. Good point, Holden. All these pictures. I have been sexually abused before.

Let me think about my favorite one. No, I got prodded at by a half-sour pickle one time, but I wouldn't let it go away. What is half-sour? What is that? They're harder. They're not as pickled. It's like half-cucumber, half-pickle.

I can know about the pickling, not about the sexual assault. Yeah, you weren't there. I didn't know a lot about pickles. Was that you? Was that you? No, no, no. Just a fan of the pickle. So somebody penetrated you with a pickle?

No, he didn't get it inside because I wouldn't let him go. It's a pickle. She's a woman. She's a human being, Ben. I know, Ben. I mean, that's what I'm trying to figure out. I think Riding Crop is not that bad, though. It's got that little leather flap on the end.

If you just pretend like it's a dildo, he's giving you $200 a week. Is that what you do for everything? That's what your imagination is about. How far would you go for $200 a week? What would you put up with? What would I be penetrated by? Nothing with spikes. Nothing sharp. Bloody. You don't want to be penetrated by? Nothing with spikes. Nothing sharp.

That's actually fairly reasonable. How about nothing alive? Nothing alive is a good idea. Or recently dead. Nothing alive or recently dead. It has to be way dead a long time. I wouldn't want a fish either. I don't want something that's going to leave like something like scales behind

What about like a dinosaur bone? Yeah Awesome That would sound fucking awesome Yeah that's novelty and then I would be the hot girl that got boned by bones This is the weirdest archaeological study we've done yet. She's just putting it inside of her. That's a five million year old bone, Jackie. You can suck the fossils very well when you stuff it in there.

Yeah, man. I'm like formaldehyde. It's almost like it's been pickled. I don't know. Yeah, they used to call you formaldehyde in high school. She preserves it. She preserves it. My dick has never been shinier.

Well, man, all of this is just fucking gross, man. It's not even funny. Here's a statement from Mr. Pitt Simmons' lawyer. The lawyer says his client is weird but not dangerous. Quote, he's providing money to these so-called victims. Who's the victim here? Exactly. I love lawyers.

They're so great. Who's the real victim? Exactly. I love lawyers. There's some great... Who's the real victim? Yeah, that's right. I mean, he wants these girls to go to college. He doesn't want to spank them. No, they just don't call his ass. You go to call at 9 p.m., you're not calling. Yeah.

Get ready for a little tissue slapping. That's their fault. But if you sign up for slapping and then there's object penetration, I don't think that's the same. I don't even know that's a law. You can't object penetrate somebody. I mean, it's got to still be rape, right? Even though it's their dick? It's sexual assault. Why do they have to make it all deep?

It's like some freak guy's writing the laws. They just want to be more specific. Yeah, yeah. So they can talk about exactly what kind of nasty shit's going on. It's just sexual assault. Yeah. Several other spanking-related assault charges were dropped after prosecutors acknowledged that the women had agreed to be spanked. They loved being spanked.

Some of it has been dropped, but apparently this abduction thing and the felony object sexual penetration charges. That's a mouthful. What's a misdemeanor? Is that a smaller object or what? That's a thing, a little Lego. A little Lego boy. A lego boy. Some people are calling this guy like a creepist.

I would call him an entrepreneur. Some people are calling this guy like a creepist. I would call him an entrepreneur. He's just a fucking business savvy dude who knows how to get his fucking rocks off the right way. So he had six chicks? 200 bucks each? So he's talking 1,200 bucks a week he's shelling out for these spankings?

Yeah. Just six of the women are the only ones that have come forward for it. There's more than six. Yeah, the other ones are too busy at have come forward for it. Well, the rest of them are going to college. There's more than six. Yeah, the other ones are too busy at Syracuse right now. They're studying.

Pre-spanking. There's all kinds of shit like that on Craigslist here in New York. That's why I wish there was a fucking chick, man. Goddamn. It'd be so much easier, man. Rent paid. I knew this one chick who got paid to clean apartments just in her underwear. Oh, yeah. One time after that.

Yeah. She was a complete lunatic. Totally insane. That was with you. What was she talking about? I don't know. Just a bunch of crazy shit. But I respected a gangster, though, man. She was out there hustling.

Absolutely. Just cleaning an apartment in the bra and panties and the dude would just walk up behind her and just jack off the entire time. And I don't know if he ever... Is that what he did? He would just beat off? Yeah, man.

He just loved it, dude. That's what you do. I mean, if you're ever... that's how you should do it. You get your apartment clean. You get to look at a nice girl, scantily clad. I mean, Lord Billionaire Ben, what do you pay the women to do? I'm Thomas Jefferson style, dude. All black maids all the time, man.

I'm going to be fucking loving my asses. I'm going to be looking at the tates. I'm going to love it so much. I'm going to knock over my cola on the table and be fucking loving my asses. I'm going to be looking at the tates. I'm going to love it so much. I'm going to knock over my cola on the table and be like, oh, it looks like I made a spillie. Somebody better come and clean up the spillie. Because you're in a diaper, right, with a big heart and a big shaker. I'm going through a baby phase as well. So naturally I'm in a diaper.

And oh, a poopty. A little poopty. And then, of course, they're going to come and clean me up with their huge bosoms. It would be fantastic. This 30-year-old adult baby that's been frauding Social Security. He's been doing Social Security fraud. He's a 30-year-old guy who only... Is it the video we saw that Henry posted?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw the video of the adult baby. I didn't know about the Social Security situation. Yeah, after they showed the video, after that came out, people started looking into him and he's collecting social security and he's 30 years old. And he's paying that big, overweight, creepy woman to take care of him.

When he comes home, he takes all his clothes off, he gets into a diaper. Henry. Is this Henry? Did you see this video, Louis? It was on television, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a taboo show. Not geo. That's on National Geographic?

Oh, my God. I mean, he did look like... What the fuck? He was living the dream. Wait, so what happens then? He takes off all his... He puts on his diapy. He puts on his diapy, and this creepy old woman cares for him,

and he sits, and he has a big high chair. And the fucking government paid for it. This is a beautiful country. It's fucking awesome. Absolutely. He custom built his own high chair. Wow. Now that's a baby.

You are not a baby. He's a really good carpenter. Look and design and build your own high chair. You don't get to sit in it. I mean, this guy has managed to just pull off one of the biggest and greatest scams of all time. Who doesn't want to be a baby? Who doesn't want to be a baby? Who doesn't get paid to be a baby?

And the woman is so large and fat and she has huge cans and she just suckles him She's so creepy it is like Rob Zombie movie shit Oh yeah Does she suckle? Does she lactate? Is he drinking her milk? I don't know if he is or not I didn't show that but I wouldn't be totally blown away I mean yeah they have to be doing some weird touch. He was drinking out of a big milk bottle.

I know. Everything was like my size. This guy was huge, by the way. He's 350 pounds. Oh, my God. An adorable baby. And a crib and everything. He had a huge crib for him.

It was amazing. Oh, I know. He's 1,500 months. He's just my favorite little baby boy. crib for him it was amazing oh I know he's only he's 15 1500 months like some people you know they like dude you know play video games for recreation or like they go had they play sports and stuff like I be a baby done wine no he doesn't have a job. I just pictured him working at CVS or something like that. You know those people you see at Duane Reade and you're just like,

what do they do when they go home? Big baby. That's the only answer. Getting their balls stomped on. We need to know more about these people. I cannot stand that fetish. That makes me so fucking upset. Have you ever seen the one where women in stilettos put it on their neck?

Put the middle part of the shoe so it goes on the neck like they're going to stomp their neck off, but they don't? Is that sexy? That sounds a little hot. Kind of hot. Is it? Hotter than stomping balls. If I had to choose, I would masturbate while that was going on as opposed to the ball stomping. I mean, I guess if you had to choose what I'd go with the neck over the ball stomping, I'd think it would hurt, though. Would masturbate while that was going on as opposed to the ball stomping. Uh-huh.

I mean, I guess if you had to choose what, I'd go with the neck over the ball stomping any day. I don't know. I just didn't really get that. I mean, a lot of things I get, but that one I just didn't really get. You know, general violence. That's kind of secret agent-y. Like, I would be kind of, that's like a James Bond kind of thing. I guess that's what it is.

It's like secret agent-y. Okay. Then that's fine. Also, it's like playing. You're not actually dying whereas someone's stomping on your nuts if someone's stomping on your nuts

there's no way around that that's true yeah yeah yeah it's like why does it have to be stilettos couldn't it just be like a pair of Keds or something

yeah Keds would hurt too though I know they would but it's a spike it's like the imagery is fucking awful man it's cause it fucks me up I wanted to wear

like pro wrestling boots nice little inch of padding and just do just do fake oh that's right Jax you've been with one of those I wanted to wear pro wrestling boots. Nice little inch of padding. Oh, Jackie, you know about that. Oh, that's right, Jax. You've been with one of those. Get my balls stomped on, though. No, no. You didn't unleash them.

You didn't reveal them to the poor guy. Jackie has a pair of testicles she just tucks inside. Oh, yeah, you've got to tuck them up, man. I have a secret fat flap that just goes right over it. Is that natural, or did you have that installed? Installed, man! She got a kangaroo-eptomy.

Weird day at Home Depot, man. My baby! So I just put this flap on this chick today, honey. It was so... Balls. Anyway, let's talk about something a little bit dirtier. A little bit dirtier?

How about something much more painful? Let's do that. How? Oh, I got something for you. A man in South Korea has committed suicide by crucifixion. This is perfect. Is that an actual picture? No, it's just a picture of a cross.

It's just Jesus. picture or is that no it's just a picture of a cross it's just jesus uh he uh he let in this suicide note he left uh detailed uh or just details of how exactly he did it so we know how this happened here's what he did he went to an abandoned quarry he's a 58 year old taxi driver what he did oh by the way that reminds me 58 that was the same age as macho man yeah just do a quick moment of silence. Alright, macho men. I love you, R.I.P. Alright, so this guy. He got on a small footrest,

nailed his feet into the cross first, got a drill, pierced his hands with the drill. How did he get this second hand? This is the thing. Here's the thing. He put the nails up first, drilled the holes into his hand, stabbed himself on the side, and then slid the holes over the nails. This dude is a fucking egomaniac.

I want them, when they come to see me dead, think of the Lord Jesus. I mean, that is a pathetic... I mean, well, it's an amazing way to kill yourself. Yeah, it is. It's an amazing way. But it's a little needy, isn't it? Yeah. Did he say a reason why he did it? He was there, but everyone described him as a religious fanatic.

He's Christian, right? Yeah. I would hope so. It would be weird if he was Jewish. It says, the Korea Times reports, this is what the police say, we believe that deep religious faith made it possible to carry out the series of extraordinary actions involving extreme pain, adding that the cause of death was suffocation and blood loss from the wound in his side.

Wow, they sound like they really respect him. I think they do. See, that's like a Passion of the Christ movie I would actually, I think I would watch. Like 127 hours fucking suicide. Just like, ugh, just drawn out as fuck. And he even put on the Crown of Thorns. He did. Jesus Christ.

It is kind of egotistical. To be a religious fanatic, man, that's so stupid. Because Jesus, he was dying for a reason. He wasn't just out there like, look at me stunting. I know this hurts, but I look fucking amazing right now, man. This is going to start a whole trend. No, literally, I can't move him. You're nailed to a cross.

I love this guy, man. That's how I would want to do it. I can't think, I mean. That is not how you would want to do it. No, my favorite suicide story I ever heard happened in Wisconsin. A fellow put a broomstick up his ass and jumped off his refrigerator. Spiking himself. That's my favorite suicide still.

I think it still beats the Crucification guy, although it's a tough call. I don't know. This guy definitely gets points for effort, but your guy gets points for originality. The sheer pain. Yeah, because Crucifixion been there, done that, right? He committed suicide out of hating

the fact that he was a homosexual. You know, the guy with the broomstick up his ass. Oh, really? That's the only thing I can think of. Oh, you made that up. Yeah, well, I mean, I make up a lot of things. But the thing is, it's because he was so upset that he just wanted everything in his butt, so he was just like, alright, I'm really going to give myself the perfect pleasure

and I'm going to end it with one big bang. One big butt fucking up the broom, and boom, right off the refrigerator. Next thing you know, he looks like a little, what do you call that, scarecrow? Oh, a hand puppet. Hand puppet, exactly. But this guy, so he did that suicide out of hate,

but this guy did it out of love for Jesus, so I've got to go with the hate suicide more. And this guy did it a week after Easter. Oh, well, that's not even right. Maybe he just really believed that resurrection story. Isn't it the week before? How does it work? I don't know.

He comes back at Easter. Yeah, Easter is when he comes back. And then he's supposed to come back yesterday, and he didn't fucking show up. Bad daddy. You're a bad daddy. Oh, my God. Those poor, sad fuckers today.

What do you think they're doing? I know. They all feel like They all feel like that kid That didn't get picked up After you know After after school was done And like nobody else

Was there anymore And the teachers were like Way too late And he's like I don't know where he is And it was just such a Shitty rainy day To begin with

Just gloomy and dark Just kinda yeah And they interviewed The guy that we talked about Last week That spent 140 grand On all this They interviewed him

And like the only thing He's just like I don't understand what happened only thing he's just like, I don't understand what happened. Oh, really? Yeah, he was just like, I don't get it. No, he was just like, I don't understand. What's going on? All the math was there. All the numbers pointed to this day, man. Yeah. This guy was

balls deep into this thing. He was just fucking the shit out of his budget day theory. Yeah, that's the thing. He probably went around just raping the gals he wanted to rape, really living the fantasy life. Oh, yeah. A lot of rape, I think. He's just there.

I wish I could see their faces. That's what you're going to do the week before God comes back is rape a lot? That's a good plan. I like that. It's going to be the scariest week for women. The week before God comes back, dude. It's going to be fucking devastating. It's the week after the rapture.

You don't know shit about rapture. What? How did you not know it, man? Yeah, because then it's party central, man. It's party time? Yeah, it's party time afterwards. Like my party time or like other people's parties?

He comes down, he sucks up all the good people, and he leaves all the evil people. So then, the week after good people get sucked up, that's when you go fucking bananas. Yeah, because you know you're fucked after that. It's over.

I was one of the good people. I'll fuck everybody. Yeah, just go crazy. What a party, man. And then go fucking bananas. Yeah, because you know you're fucked after that. It's over. I was one of the good people. I'll fuck everybody. Yeah, just go crazy. We're a party, man. And then zombies come out and shit, too, which is fun, so we gotta do that. Hell yeah, man. Well, that sounds like a good time. I'll rape some fucking zombies. Hell yeah, man. I mean, as long as I'm raping, dude,

I will be having a good time. That's the best part about a zombie. You could, like, stick your dick in any part of them and fuck them. Just make it, dude. Just constantly whole I want to saw this porn that was awesome was called porn of the dead it was zombie porn it was fucking great did you watch it to climax fuck yeah you do well do they do a bad idea where it's like sore and hole, like random hole fucking? Oh, no, no, no. It was classy. It was very classy. It was classy.

Well, you know, yeah, and at the end of it, like the very first scene, it's the scientist fucking this super hot zombie chick, and at the end of it, like he fucking gooshes in her mouth and then she rips his dick off, like just bites it off. And there was some really good gore in it. That's prettyoshes in her mouth and then she rips his dick off. Just bites it off.

There was some really good gore in it. That's pretty awesome. It was really awesome. Then there was these two zombie dudes double teaming this teenager. Oh. That's extremely creepy. I was more talking fake world.

Marcus just comes in and just really says stuff that he comes to and it's fucking mortifying. Second Ben Kissel. Raw Gonzo. I do not look at Raw Gonzo. It was a commercial that popped up on my fucking computer screen.

Mommy and Daddy porn or whatever the hell it was. I don't watch parents fucking each other. I don't watch parents fucking baby. No, baby was fucking... Not their baby. It was an adopted baby. This is all make... See, mine is all make-believe.

It was a nice porno. These people are getting paid well. They're just using a little bit of imagination. Raw gonzo porno. Boy, those girls are getting it. Yeah, but they're getting 200 bucks a week, and all they gotta do is call the dude. Just call the dude at 9 p.m.,

otherwise he won't be getting filmed right now. That sweet hot ass, oh red and shit, bumpy like a mountain. It's just strange the road of conversation that we take from a dude crucifying himself to kill himself all the way to back to what we masturbate to.

Our brains aren't working at very high speeds right now. We're pretty primitive. Well, did that get you off, Marcus? Looking at any Sasquatch porn? It's got to be more guttural. And more guts. Like you're choking on this.

Yeah. Hell yeah. I will say, I've been really into BBWs lately, which is pretty fantastic. You've always've been really into BBWs lately which is pretty fantastic BBWs you've always been what BBWs you've always been

no but I go into phases man sometimes do you ever google BBWs I mean sometimes they're just Edith Massey like just huge some of them are super hot and it's awesome

but some of them are just amazing they look so hungry when they go to suck a dick they look like they're like really they really do you ever have a girl

go down to you and you just see her just enjoying herself? Like, I'm happy for you. I don't even like this right now. I'm giving you pleasure. You don't like... You always like it.

Yeah, recently I was asked in the middle of a blowjob, I was like, what do you like? I'm like, you sucking my dick. What are you talking about? What do I like?

What's your dome on my fucking cock? What's happening? What do you mean, what do I like? I gotta say, I think most blowjobs in general are overrated. Yeah? They are.

I'm kind of with you. They are. Yeah, I'm kind of with you on that. Yeah, every time I'm getting a blowjob, I'm just like, I just want to be in her asshole. Yeah. Not her mouth hole. But that's the thing. You're always trying to get back into the butt.

Yeah, and it never works out. I have a big penis. I thought my little penis should be an end to the butt. It never works out. You can't tell them that. And then, of course, it's a masculine to point out that you have a small penis. And then, of course, they agree with you. The whole situation turns real sad.

But nonetheless, I'm just saying, ladies, I have a small dick. Have you said that to a woman, actually, not just in joking? Well, yeah. Look, I've got a small dick. Let me put it in your butt. Well, I have small balls. My dick is average. But you're trying to put your balls in a girl's butt?

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me, man? Are you done? Yeah, it's impossible. No, I could show you a video right now that proves that it's not impossible. How big is this dude's balls, man? Big, dude. I used to have to...

It must be huge. This podcast just resorts to us watching porn and talking about it. I will say, it's like... It's a sex move called the booyah. A booyah? Yeah. It's named after the guy who... It's a sex move called the Booyah. A Booyah? Yeah. It's named after the guy who... It's like he invented it in the video.

Tommy Booyah. He put it in the Booyah sex move, and it's really impressive. Have you pulled this stunt? No. I'm not a pro. This guy's a fucking... That's true.

One of the best of the best, man. He's a ball magician, dude. Yeah, he's a boss. Matt, not coming up. Way too much yet. I just feel like you'd be able to... I never even really thought about that before But I imagine that wouldn't it be easier

To get the balls in than get your dick in I mean I don't know People used to kick me in the balls In like 7th or 8th grade And I always needed to fake like it hurt Because I have such small balls And right now they're inside of my body When I'm sitting down my balls don't even hang out

I have no balls I have the smallest, weirdest little ball. But it's been great. I literally have never been kicked in the nards. Whoa, here it is! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, okay. I don't like this.

She's not a zombie. Alright, let's see here. Are we gonna watch porno on the pod? Well, this is the first. Literally just gonna look at a man's balls right now. This is one of the greatest videos of all time. All right, check it out. Watch this. It's coming up.

And by the way, what? Watch this. Oh, my God. And then. What the hell? Is that weird? What? Oh!

Oh, my God. Wow. All right. You can find that at www.spankwire.com slash a man a dash man dash screams dash boo dash yaw slash video 9720. So it's just a wow and then when he pulls the nuts out, everyone in the room does exactly what we did. They go, oh, and you hear someone go, booyah. That's why it's called booyah.

That was the biggest Weirdest dangly Bunch of balls I've ever seen I like that it was His dick was inside Of her vagina While his balls

Were in her ass That's classy DP man That's really classy One person DP One man DP Yeah yeah Wild

Unbelievable You're right man We are not pros Alright Speaking of pornography. Really? Y'all ready for Pedophile Corner? No, don't touch me!

Man, we haven't had a Pedophile Corner in so long! I know! I know. And this is a good one. Yeah! Oh, thank God. 23 women from across Sweden have been charged with involvement in what investigators call a unique child pornography case because most of the suspects are female.

A 43-year-old man was charged today with having provided them with 510 films and photos of children being exploited in a, quote, especially ruthless manner. Women. That would be pretty cool just to have the ability to make the thing that you want to have sex with whenever you want to. It's just like they were just nine months away from just good fucking for two years. At least two years. Maybe three or four years. When the kid turns two and you're like, old ass, get the fuck out of my house, two-year-old, old ass motherfucker. I got another one and you just pop it right out and then you just boom right into it.

This is funny. I got another one, and you just pop it right out, and then you just boom right into it. This is funny. The age of the women, their range from 38 to 70. Ew, old. It's weird. I still think they're better mothers than those people who put their kids in beauty pageants. Because they're just making kids, they're humble, making them humble kids. They're not going to go out there and be cocky assholes.

They're going to be quiet on the subway. They're going to fucking open their mouth. It's going to get rough on the parts that they don't want to get rough on. My buddy Dan Krieg came from Wisconsin. He's moved back now. The second time he took the subway it was just typical Hispanic

mother with eight kids just beating the fuck out of them. It was extremely awkward. All of them? All was extremely awkward all of them all eight just every one of them and they're like i'm serious he was playing the drum hit a gopher like yeah exactly like a whack-a-mole like whack my kid yeah yeah just a kid oh my and they weren't even doing anything they were just like being normal kids like kind of talking the mother was the loudest one just screaming at the top of her lungs it's like shut the fuck up your kids aren't even doing she's just so mad she has eight kids. She's so angry about having eight kids.

She looked like 17 years old. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she had these kids. Think about having eight Puerto Rican kids in particular. I mean, unless you want to open up a restaurant, that's a terrible, terrible idea. I think we got our last waitstaff right now and after the birth, you know? And that closes out Pedophile Corner. Hey, all right.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. I didn't mind that. Don't touch me. Starbucks is being sued for firing a midget. Well, that'll happen. Yep, yep. By the U.S. government.

It's fine. See, that's the thing, is that she requested a stool or small stepladder in order to perform her job, and Starbucks fired her, and the feds are suing them for discrimination. Oh, yeah. The case is, fire where you want to fire? I mean, the fact of the matter is, a midget can't work at Starbucks.

How are you going to reach the coffee beans? Exactly. How do you make, there's a million fucking Starbucks. How do you make someone come to your Starbucks? Oh, you're going to get served by a fucking dwarf on stilts. Now I want to go to that Starbucks. Now that Starbucks is better than every other fucking Starbucks. Starbucks doesn't know marketing when they fucking see it, man.

They didn't mention the dwarf muddled everything with their little feet. It was just disgusting. They're mixing it with their feet? Just muddling things. What are you talking about? What does that mean? I worked at a bar once. I got one of those mojitos.

The cutest dwarf ever just muddled the hell out of it. I've never seen it. I don't know what that means. You know what a muddle is? I feel like your mind has turned. Dwarves muddle. Anyway, I'm just out there defending them. Dwarves are the best muddlers in town.

What? You should know. That's not what the best muddlers in town. What? You should know. That's not what you were saying just a second ago. You're changing your argument left to right. I don't know whether you like dwarves or whether you hate dwarves. I'm winning the case. Classic lawyer. God, if you were a lawyer.

God. You would be the worst. I mean, is money defending a midget? Oh, he's not? Well, then he can't muddle. I'll tell you one thing. If he was a dwarf, he'd be a goddamn good muddler. Is muddle a word?

Is muddle a word? It's how you make a mojito. You gotta muddle it. You muddle the guac. There's no guac in a mojito. Fucking if there was. I'm just saying, whenever something needs to be muddled, get a midget to muddle it,

because they're amazing muddlers. That's a fact. Alright, let's move on. It is a fact. Were midgets in the Civil War? Are they a part of it? I'm just curious. They had to be, right? I think Tom Thumb was Civil War era.

Oh, yeah. The most famous midget of all time is the Civil War era. It's a American museum. Oh, God, that would be amazing. Fantastic. Just run out of cannonballs, just put a hard hat on a

midget, just send him right out. I'm joining the other side, though, and then what are you going to do? They got a great muddler on their

hands. They done muddled the war. They done muddled the battlefield. We got muddled up battlefield? What are you

talking about now? They done muddled up Guacamole and fucking shipping mojitos. That's the thing, man. That's how the Mexicans won the Alamo, and they figured out guac. They had a whole bunch of midgets muddling for it.

It's a fact. Guac is full of energy. Full of good protein. What? Guac is full of energy. You know that. That's true, right? I don't know what you're talking about, man.

All right. Well, you never know who's winning. Anyway, Starbucks needs to rehire this fantastic little person. What happens is, I think, my theory is currently is that when you put mushrooms in ice cream and you eat them, it preserves itself within your body fat, so it's a time release.

But I'm talking about over like two years. That's what we're dealing with, old Ben Kissel over there. Are we not talking about midgets muddling? Because I don't give a fuck. No, I'm just joking around. Yeah, the mushrooms have definitely stayed in me. You are not the same, man. You're not the same.

I'm never going back, man. You're more fun now. I know. I'm living in a whole other world. I like you now. Thank you, Jackie. You're welcome. Jackie is in love with Ben Kissel.

Oh, I promised myself I would cry. That's what I'm going to say on my wedding day. It's going to be a funny joke. It's going to kill. When you're going through the ceremony. Oh, I promised myself I would cry. You know, as opposed to wouldn't. It's going to be hard hitting.

It's going to be, oh, it's just going to fucking crush, man. Will I be your best man, bro? You are going to be. You're going to be at the fucking show, dude. I'll be at the wedding. Yeah, definitely. Oh, wedding yeah definitely the flower girl yeah absolutely yeah would you put her in a large flower a big weed plant man yeah man fucking stroll down the aisle pollinate me motherfucker oh my god oh wow jackie i got a

story that you're gonna love yes area 51 a new, a new book says Stalinist Plot. I love it! I'd like to do awesome things mixed together. Oh, and it gets even... Man, Stalin could do anything. I bet that he plans everything he's gonna... What object do you think Stalin would penetrate you with?

Oh, man. Hopefully a candle. Lit? Yeah, man. Lit, man. I want a candle, man. You want a candle lit I'm guessing yeah man lit man I want a candle man you want a candle inside of you yeah man I want to feel his wax anyway

well that's not nearly as gross as it has been said on this podcast today so here's the plot Stalin got a hold of a German plane got a hold of a German plane. Oh, yeah. Yeah, got a hold of a German plane. He listened to War of the Worlds and was inspired by the panic that it created in the United States. He's smart.

Inspired by it. Yeah, so he figured that he's going to try to do the same thing. So he teams up with Joseph Mengele. Ooh! Good team, man. Good fucking team. Teams up with Joseph Mengele, who, as we all know... This is an issue of Captain America.

They never teamed up. They never teamed up. Sounds like the plot to return to Castle Wolfenstein. That is true. That is where you get it, because Stalin would never have teamed up with anyone, though. You have to admit that. Mengla is the maddest scientist. Yeah, this is fucking the worst.

Most disgusting scientist. You have to admit that. Mengele is the maddest scientist? Yeah, it's the fucking worst. It's wild, dude. Most disgusting scientist. Oh, and here's what Stalin proposed to him. And he gave Stalin two butts. He gave him two butts on his ass, right? That was what he did. He enlisted Joseph Mengele to create a crew of, quote, grotesque child-size aviators to fly in a Horton Ho 229 plane the Soviets had seized from Germany.

In exchange, Mingla would get a eugenics lab. That is so insane. Yeah. The children, ages 12 and 13, and described by the author as having, quote, unusually large heads and abnormally shaped oversized eyes. They're not retarded. Just retarded, yeah. A plane of retards into America to scare us? It's hilarious.

It's awesome, man. Mengele made aliens? Mengele's the designer of what we think of aliens? Here's the thing. She describes obviously what we think of as aliens. But she says that the retards did not fly the plane. Instead, it was piloted remotely.

Exact words, exact words. Retards will not fly the plane. Come on, they're retards. They can't fly a plane. What are we talking about? That's crazy talk. The retards fly the plane. They're going to be a guts right now.

Yeah, so there was some dude with remote control. Sorry. That's the stupidest story I've ever heard. That's a great toy, like a remote control plane, but a remote control plane full of retarded children. I mean, it's unbelievable. Not to mention, if you're a retarded kid, that's the greatest life you could ever have. That sounds awesome, yeah.

They wouldn't be able to fly in a plane anyway. No, they don't think they're doing it anyway. They can grab the wheels, and they're not connected to anything. All the buttons. Oh, I'm hitting the buttons. I'm hitting the buttons. Oh, we're going up. We're going down. Oh, no, we're going up. We're going down.

Oh, now we're going down. It was fun. And the fact that it crashed in New Mexico was a fuck up. It was supposed to crash. It doesn't say where it was supposed to crash. So someone just made this shit up and said, I'm going to write a book? And just said, this is a mess. There's a whole book about it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Annie Jacobson's Area 51 the history of the top secret base based on interviews with scientists

and engineers who worked there I mean I believe every word of it I'm gonna read the shit out of that book man I wanna see the index

on this one gotta get the sources for all this shit what a good movie though that would be that sounds awesome I mean Mangle and Stalin just teaming up

is just fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that Danzig and Rollins comic, you know, where they're both gay. They should do like a Mangala.

What? You haven't seen that comic? No, no. Yeah, Danzig and Henry Rollins are having like a weird gay punk rock relationship. Seems about right.

And I think Mangala and Stalin could have a weird thing like, I don't know, this is just my idea. It would be beautiful. Let's workshop it. Come on. They're like supervillains, but they're like real supervillains.

I mean, it's pretty cool to have actual supervillains. They come together in the end, and they succeed. I'm down. I'd love to see that. And where was Hitler during all this? That's my question. Hitler was dead. Oh, this is close.

Yeah, well, because Area 51, this happened in 1947. I'm bad with history. Please, Holden. Yeah. Way dead, man. See, what's funny, though, is because World of Worlds, that was 38, and the Roswell crash was 47.

And it says that Stalin was inspired by the World of Worlds broadcast. Yeah, that makes sense. What is that? Was it Mingla? Did it take him 10 years to create these retards? It tells you Russia's always... They were like in Michael Jackson in the 90s still, man. They don't know what the fuck is going on with culture.

They're out of it. They just got that shit 10 years later, and they're like, oh, this is a great idea. I've never heard this before. We've got to do it. Hey, man, have you seen the hats they wear? Fucking stupid. That's why.

Stupid ass hats. And it must have really fucked them over, though, that Hitler killed all the retards. It must have been very difficult to find them. Yeah. He made them in a lab. Yeah, he took children. He took 12 and 13-year-old kids

and genetically engineered them. I mean, that was the mangle of a book that came out, How to Make a Retard. How to Make a Retard for Dummies. Speaking of fucking great names, great titles names Great titles We got a segment from Holden McNeely In honor of Louis Katz's new comedy album

Just hitting the fucking Presses Street stores You not talk no good It's called If These Balls Could Talk I really love the name And I was thinking we could all name each other's comedy albums On the round table,

and the winner will get their comedy album made. Hey, fun. That sounds completely untrue. You said there was a prize. Come on, this is not a real prize. All right, I'll get you. We'll have a shot after this. Okay.

I can't drink a shot. You gotta drink a shot. Okay. All right, let's do it. So easy. So easy. Thank God she right, let's do it. So easy. So easy. Thank God she's off of OkCupid. Okay.

Okay. So, yeah, so I guess I'll begin. I'm gonna name Kevin's album. I've been thinking about this all podcast. Anytime you saw me zone out, I was trying to think of a better name than I have. Sure. So this is mine. Oh, and Louie, you have to pick the winner.

Got it. It's called, I have two options here. It's called Cochon Horse in Haiti, Things I Hate by Kevin Barnett. Also, the alternative title would be Lick a Dick. Oh, damn, dog. Say it again, Jackie dog I guess I'm supposed to say Kissel's comedy album would be called I Should Have Died a Long Time Ago. Ain't never gonna die. I'm really never gonna die. Jackie, I've given this zero thoughts. Yeah, I've also given this one zero thoughts.

I want to go with... Jesus Christ. I mean, it's just tough because it's like... I told you about it before the show. You got to come up with something. Do you want me to do Holden's? Do Holden's first. Yeah, I gotta think about it. I've got Holden's. Alright.

Cowabunga man, colon, no pizza, no bitches, all tears. No pizza? No pizza! I mean, I knew about the bitches thing, but... Yeah, no, no pizza, no bitches, all tears. Wait, can you do the whole thing again?

Cowabunga man, colon. No pizza, no bitches, all tears. Hell yeah. I think that's really good. You're feeling it. That's not bad at all. That's great. Oh, Jackie, I guess something about your holes and filling them up.

Oh, come on. Just fill up the hole. All right. Your brain. My brain is mush. Let me see here. Can we go back to muddling midgets? Can I say something about that?

No? No, I'm not a midget, and I don't know what muddling is. Well, everyone knows what a muddling is. I'm going to go with The Woman That Got Away. Is that right? Can I say that? The Woman That Got Away. Is that right? Can I say that? The Woman That Got Away. You suck at this.

What? I can't remember the album name. All right, Jackie. All right. Listen, I am... Do you like big, strong women? Big, strong woman. God, never be in publicity ever.

Look at my butt. How about meow? Meow. Jackie Zebrowski, where are the dicks? Where are the dicks? There we go. I like that one. Meow, Jackie Zebrowski, where are the dicks?

Where are the dicks? They're inside of me. Not where the dick's at, but where are the dicks? Where are the dicks? She's proper. All right, proper. Before we get to the judging, muddle, verb, bring into a disordered or confusing state. Damn, midgets do do that, man.

You're totally right. That's what I was talking about. Midgets muddle like a madman. I mean, I knew what you meant, man. Absolutely. I mean, everybody does. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Also, Ed wanted me to say his comedy album is Poop Before Nugs. I remember that Ed would love to do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, also, Ed wanted me to say his comedy album is Poop Before Nugs. I remember that, which we discussed on a past podcast.

So, that's all of them. Louie, what do you think? Which one would you go

with? Cowabunga. Cowabunga. Cowabunga. All right. We're doing shots. I want to

thank Louie. Jackie, do the shot. Louie Katz, thanks so much for being here. It was a roundtable of gentlemen

for Jackie's Abraski and Marcus Parks. Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, I am Ben Kissel. We will talk to you next week. I am looking forward to it!