The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 48: Two and a Half Bomb Threats

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this episode, a disgruntled Bronx TV viewer decides to take matters into his own hands, Ben’s love affair with diet pills continues, and Holden fails four job interviews in as many minutes. We’ve also got comedians Rae Sanni and Mark Normand filling in for Jackie and Eddie, plus comedian Rob Cantrell in the Hut!

Dude, who's on prayer? Tell me what's on it. Marcus, it's... Well, technically it would be Eddie. So, Norman, you feel free to do prayer if you want to do it. What's the prayer? John, Luke? Whatever you want to do, man.

We'll go Mark. Book of Mark. All right. Take something out of Mark. Just prayer of anything? Just pray, man. All right, all right. Say it in fucking Beelzebub.

All right, let's do it. I want to, you know, say thanks and prayers given out to the children of Missouri. Joplin. For giving us some news today. Thank you and amen. Hey, alright. I'll tell you what's uglier. Joplin, Missouri or Janice Joplin.

I mean seriously. Welcome to the round table, gentlemen. What a hoop we're going to have tonight. They call us edgy. Edgy and raunchy. Oh, I think it's raunchy. That word itself is so disgusting. It's crunchy. It's a crunchy word, raunchy. Crunchy. Alright, so sitting in for the

beautiful Jackie Zebrowski is the equally beautiful Ray Sonny. Thank you so much for being here, Ray. Ray! And sitting in for the unbelievably ugly Ed Larson is the far more attractive Mark Norman. Thanks for being here, Mark. I'll take it.

I brought a fake ponytail if you want me to wear it. Oh, that's fantastic. You just get a beer belly and say very offensive things every five minutes. All right. We won't even know he's gone. And then who else is everybody on this thing? I'm Holden McNeely. Wozuz.

It's the new one. Wozuz? Wozuz. That's a good one. I didn't get a high today. That's the problem. I'm Ben Kissel in the Truckle Hub.

We got Rob Cantrell. Rob, thanks so much for being here. It's good to be here. Good to be here. I just want to give a shout out to Mark Norman's Adam's Apple.

Hey! That thing is big. No, I think it's very manly. I think it's cool. It's kind of like you're a coach. I look like a snake

that swallowed a rabbit. Absolutely. Look at that. I wish I could see Thor 3D. I wish I could cut my glasses. I feel like it would be like it's poking my eyes out. You just Thor 3D. I wish I would have kept my glasses. I'd be like, it's poking my eyes out. You just look so vulnerable, man.

What happens when you get slapped in the neck? It's not pretty. That's why I don't go to Trinitown. And then, of course, as always, we've got Marcus Parks on the news. Marcus Parks, what do you got for us today, my friend? Local news. Sticking in the city. Out of the Bronx, a man named Freddie Caldwell was arrested for allegedly threatening to

blow up the local CBS station for showing too many two and a half men reruns. Wow. Doing the Lord's work. How many did he sit through? The calls were placed between May 11th and May 23rd. Calls, multiples. Multiple calls. Multiple calls. He was doing at this for a while.

Wow. This guy's got to change that channel. But yeah, why was he sitting there watching this? Why was he sitting there being a... There are nine other channels. In the Bronx, they only get one. That's the only one in the Bronx. It's AIDS TV.

Can I say, usually these people who complain are always ruining good shows. This is the first time I've heard about somebody complaining about a bad show. Yeah, it's nice. Refreshing. Well, Two and a Half Men is not that bad. Do you do comedy? Two and a Half Men is pretty bad. I will say that Charlie Sheen, though, he beds quite a nice lady.

Oh, yeah. You can learn a lot from that fellow. Although the boy now, he's all grown up. He's bigger than all of them. Yeah. He looks horrible. He's about your all of them. He looks horrible. He's about 6'7". What's his name?

John Cryer. He's good. Ducky. Greatest career of anybody I can think of. Oh, come on. Who doesn't know John Cryer? You barely got his name out. But you did get Ducky, right? I don't even know what Ducky is.

Where's Ducky from? From one of the many movies. Pretty in Pink. Oh, I missed that one. He was the best friend to the hot girl. He totally wanted to bang, and then she totally didn't want to bang him. She wanted to bang a really pretty polo-wearing hot guy. It was Molly Ringwald.

Can we all agree at this point, it's been 20 years, never hot. Never hot. She was kind of cute. I was like 80. She was... Come on. I never... That was kind of cute. It was just programmed into your brain.

She always was not attractive. I never watched the Brad Pack stuff really growing up. I don't know. The pouty lips. She had very good pouty lips. But weird teeth. And nice skin tone. Looked very soft.

I couldn't get over the teeth. Kind of like you want to rub on the cheek a little bit. You're describing my Aunt Sylvia. I mean, your Aunt Sylvia is a pretty hot little piece of 80, though. Isn't every woman on television not that hot? They just tell you she's hot? Well, I don't think so.

Uh-oh, we got a fax coming in. Well, this is fantastic. Molly Ringwald's agent. She's actually hotter now than she was back then. When she was a pregnant teen on like a show On the Disney channel Or ABC Family or whatever

Yeah I love it She's like a pregnant 40 year old With like a pregnant 15 year old daughter Or something like that That's not bad Here's the post headline Two and a half brain cells What? Reaching is what it should be Reaching for it Here's the post headline. Two and a half brain cells.

Reaching is what it should be. Reaching for it. That is a terrible show, and this guy should have just sent the fucking bomb. What do you call it? If you're serious about sending a bomb somewhere, you don't let them know ahead of time. It's just bad policy. Okay, Ben, if you got offered two and a half man role, guess what? Of course you would take it. I mean, I am in the business of making shows

better, man. If they got me, it would be like, oh, I would do what Brad Garrett did for that Everybody Loves Raymond. Make everybody else look really tiny and never be cast in anything again. That would be my... That's my career right now.

He had a failed sitcom on Fox. Yeah, he did. He also has a failed comedy career. Do you ever see him on Fox and Friends? Just telling racist jokes at 6 a.m. Everybody knows racism, it's like after coffee. Right. You can't do it pre-coffee.

You've got to have your brain firing at all levels. He is the worst. He's ruined my career. Brad Garrett. He's the only 6'7 person to ever get a shot in comedy. No, no. Mark Curry, man. Mark Curry was that tall? Yeah,'s the only 6'7 person to ever get a shot in comedy. No, no. Mark Curry, man. Mark Curry was that tall?

Yeah, he's like 6'7". Hanging with Mr. Cooper, Mark Curry? Yeah, that's a big ass dude. But Mark Cooper got lucky because he has that basketball's body. He's in shape. I mean, I can't go out there and rotund all over some sort of hard court. Well, then just quit being so fat. Kevin, I'm on fucking medicine for weight.

So just, you know it's sensitive. I thought you quit that shit. I'm back on it. You're back on it. Wait, what is this medicine? It's called Ally. It takes the fat in your body and just sends it right through the old fun chute. Ben, I was just home in Texas.

My family is worried about you. Your family is fucking full of... And his family is fucked up, man. It's hillbillies and hobos. His father's name is Bill. Guess what his mother's name is? Billy. No.

Come on. Yeah. Wow. And they're mad at me for taking a few diet pills. Well, I'm sorry. This city faggot wants to look good in the magazines. You know? It's just...

It's not going to work, man. It's just everybody... Is it working, though? It's fantastic. Wow. Have you lost weight? No, no. I haven't lost anything. So what's happening now? It's fantastic Have you lost weight? No, I haven't lost anything I'm doubling up the food

That's a smart move I'm telling you, that shit never works It's like for confused women in the Midwest It's not for people that know what they're doing You never know, we all have a confused woman From the Midwest inside of us So you shit her out Exactly

What are they going to do to this guy who sent the bomb to CBS Or threatened to? from the Midwest inside of us. So you shit her out. Exactly. She's looking good. What are they going to do to this guy who sent the bomb to CBS or threatened to? He was charged with aggravated... I think it was like making a false complaint and aggravated assault or something like that. Well, the complaint's not false. The complaint is not false whatsoever.

But yeah, he's not going to do much jail time. Please have a beer. Mark, what show would you have taken off of air right now? If you had one bomb, and it's a smart bomb, and it's going to go change the minds of all the directors and producers and let them see the shit that they've created. What are you taking down? I actually watched that Tyler Perry show on an airplane.

Oh, that's bad. They should not play that show on airplanes. I will take this thing down. Is this the culture that I'm defending? Get out of Iraq. Get out of Afghanistan. I'm Al-Qaeda now. It's not good.

I watched that show. Tyler Perry, it's just... It used to be... What was the name? The Jeffersons. Quote program. And now this show, he's shitting them out. I feel like every time a car goes out of a car wash, that's a fun show. Quality program. And now this show, he's shitting them out. I feel like every time a car goes out of a car wash,

he's made three episodes. It takes about 14 minutes. And there's some other 22-minute episodes that take 14 minutes to make. I don't even know how he does it. He fucking produces, it'll be like 20 episodes

in two weeks, and so he puts them into syndication immediately. Just immediately. It's crazy. He's a beast at money-making, though. You can't get mad at that. No, I It's crazy. He's a beast at money making though. You can't get mad at that.

No, I'm not mad. Also, you cannot knock the hustle. He got people watching that shit. I know, but he's a hack. Excited black people watch that shit. They're like, a different world is not on TV anymore. Here's our- Wait, that was the last show you guys had? Yeah, basically because in the 90s there was the Jamie Foxx show and I think

my wife and kids, which was alright. Bernie Mac was amazing, but in terms of quality, I'm saying a different world. A different world. It was amazing. A different world was amazing. Everybody's partying,

everybody's hooking up. I mean, what about Family Matters? Family Matters is god awful. I tried to watch it again. It was terrible. But damn, that dude is a good actor. Urkel is a good actor. Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you talking about Urkel? Because I can't. I don't even think of the same person. That's how amazing he is. Your boy fucking went to space. He built his own spaceship. That shit's bogus. Stefan. Oh, I know.

One of them. He was also Bruce Lee because he fucking had this chamber that he'd go into to fight people. That's bogus. It's terrible. It's awful. Remember how buff he got on the later episodes? His arms were bulging out of his tight, dirty hair. That's because fucking Jaleel White turned into a sex symbol, which I

don't quite get. He was gorgeous. I'll tell you. He was gorgeous? No. Yeah, Jaleel White turned into a sex symbol, which I don't fully get. He was gorgeous. I'll tell you. He was gorgeous? No. Yeah, Jaleel is pretty fucking hot. But Laura, I used to crank it to Laura all the time. How about Myra? She had some cancer.

Myra was hot. That was her friend? Myra? No, no, Steve's girlfriend. She was hotter than Laura. She was hot. She's mega hot. She died of stomach cancer during the show.

What? She did? She was Malcolm Jamal Warner's wife in real life. Was she taking Ally this weight loss show? Because that's concerning to me now. No, but Tyler Perry was watching that show, and they would flub a line. But you would see them flub a line, and they would just redo it. He didn't stop, cut it.

And then there was a boom mic in some shots. I mean, it's a damn nightmare. It's brutal. He pays like $30 to make the show, and then makes like $10 million off of it. And then there's a boom mic in some shots. I mean, it's a damn nightmare. It's brutal. He pays like $30 to make the show and then makes like $10 million off of it. It's just like, you know, he works hard and he's a hustler, but it's like

a pimp who just has nothing but morbidly obese women that he's selling. And it's like, sure, I could fuck that pound of fat for $10, but maybe I'll just jack off to some more ample-minded women. Because it's all intelligent. I just loved it.

You want a strong-minded woman. But I think that's the case. He is hoeing out some very fat. And no bosoms. Monique types. Fat with no breasts. Is that more offensive? Lose weight. You're not supposed to be fat. This with no titties. Lose weight.

You're not supposed to be fat. This is not how you should court a man. And she has hairy legs. Monique is disgusting. Well, she has hairy legs. She chooses not to shave them. She doesn't give a fuck. That's awesome.

It's worse that she chooses not to shave them. If she was like a retarded chick in a wheelchair, I'd be like, well, she obviously doesn't give a shit. But she makes a conscious decision to look ugly, and I can't respect that. Which, by the way, Ben showed us the photos of the largest lady he's ever been with on Facebook. Wow. My word. We can talk about it.

Well, Kevin, you saw the pictures. What do you think of it? I mean, I was a huge bitch, man, but let's be real here. I mean, everybody's had their times in life, you know? Yeah, I've had some good times with some larger ladies I mean it's amazing I think we're too hard on the ladies I love them all

They're all good A good big girl is great They work harder They're warmer They're softer They can cook in the morning Fine ass fat girls I'm in the search for one.

I'm trying to find where they're at. But they all have to have larger bosoms and buttocks than bellies. That's the most important thing. The worst thing is when you have a fat girl with no tits and she's got that frog butt. You know what I'm talking about? It goes in like a V and it's just completely flat and it goes like a frog's butt.

Yeah. I've experienced that. But either way, Ray, if you gain 500 pounds, I would still think you are absolutely gorgeous because you have nice eyes. That's important. Eyes are very important to a lady. Boom! I am going to get laid one day.

I can't wait to feel the inside of a woman. You look good. It's like warm guacamole. That's always nice. Next story we got from the wacky Chinese. Prisoners in Chinese labor camps. By day, these guys dig ditches and break rocks. At night, the guards are forcing them to play World of Warcraft mining virtual gold that the prison guards sell for cash online.

Wow. They're making $900 a day on this shit. Oh my god. I don't follow. They're making Chinese prisoners play World of Warcraft at night. And whenever they play World of Warcraft, they get virtual gold. Whenever you kill a boar, you get 50 gold. It's money within the game.

So how does World of Warcraft work? Because I have no idea. World of Warcraft is a massive multiplayer online role-playing game. An MMORPG, as they call it. I don't understand what that means, but go ahead. But you can be like an elf and you can shoot shit, right? Yeah. So it would be like 30 prisoners to any one prison guard,

and then those 30 people are working toward increasing the amount of virtual money any one prison guard is earning. And then they're going to sell it to a bunch of nerds. Yeah, nerds can buy helmets and axes. So nerds actually have that with the gold. They sell the gold to nerds. They're willing to work in real life

to pay for a lot of shit in their fake lives. Yes. It's important to people, man. This is why in, what was it, Iceland or Sweden, I think it was, there was an actual lawsuit. Somebody stole a whole bunch of stuff out of a hotel in this virtual world

and they got sentenced to seven years in real life prison. Yeah, they stole digital furniture. Because you buy it with real currency. So it's like, it actually, it's money. It's real money. It's wild. Yeah, it was a huge court ruling.

I don't know if it's happened here yet, but good God, I'm not going on there, I'll tell you that much. I'm a beast in real life. It's a horrible time suck. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. It's addictive. No, no, I've never played World of Warcraft.

But you play a different game. It's similar, though, isn't it? No, no. It's the same company. It's the same company, but I don't play no fuck shit, man. I play World of Warcraft. That's fucking nerds. And how is StarCraft different? StarCraft is a whole different world, man. World of Warcraft. That's fucking nerds. And how is StarCraft different?

StarCraft is a whole different world, man. As World of Warcraft is an MMORPG, StarCraft is an RTS, real-time strategy. I'm out there balling. That was the nerdiest shit I've ever heard. It's amazing. It comes out of his mouth. I love it.

They also also China just Got uncovered For this thing They call the Blue Army Which is just an army Of people that Is online Trying to hack

Into other governments Which is pretty fucking sweet They got this computer Thing on lockdown If they're dominating World of Warcraft They went after Google Right?

They're going after They just go after everything They went after Gmail Like Gmail accounts Right? I wonder if that's the same thing But China's been like Trying to hack into Google

And Gmail accounts and shit I think it's smart man I want's the same thing, but China's been, like, trying to hack into Google and Gmail accounts and shit of, like... I think it's smart, man. I want to give them all of my information so they can start making products that I enjoy. Yeah. Because that's all they want. It's all about fucking finding out what Ben Kissel wants in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Yeah. He wants a fucking bigger basketball. He wants the fucking...

He wants a basketball with a little oxygen ring around it so it kind of floats when you shoot it, and it looks like you're playing in space. Spaceball! China, give me spaceball! Remember that movie Hackers? Yeah, that was a good time. Angelina Jolie and that blind-ass dude trying to drive a van, wasn't he?

Didn't the man try to drive a van? The blind man drove a van! I feel like when you watch movies, you see other movies. I just wish that I was watching what I wanted to see. I remember the Angelina boobs, but it's weird how you remembered other things after that. Angelina's breasts don't do it for me. What?

No. Oh, boy. Vetoed. You want a space ball? All right. Well, I like things that are big and bouncy. I mean, are you serious? Those things are damn near inverted now.

What? Not to mention, Years of Brad Pitt Just Come in on those things This is years ago This is pre-Bad Pitt Well sure Alright nonetheless I have a feeling

She's kissed Sean Penn And I don't like Sean Penn Really So yeah That's why I don't like her What's your beef with Penn Oh Sean Penn's a loony tune I love him

I love Sean Penn That one Whoa Alright Rob But I don't know anything Thank you Ray I liked Fast Times at Ridgemont High Jeff Spicoli Is probably the best Did you like First of all It was fucking bullshit the shit that one whoa all right rob but i don't know anything thank you ray i liked uh fast times at richmond high jeff spicoli is probably the first of all it was fucking bullshit like how

he tied i did like how he beat madonna yes i actually did like that yeah he beat the shit because she sucked and she deserves to get beat that's why of course that's how you know it but nonetheless fucking fast times he got anchovy pizza anchovy pizza oh way to order pizza for the class asshole nobody eats anchovy pizza that's correct he's selfish he's rude

too salty and shit who the fuck gives a shit if stoner McGee is eating something that I don't want to eat he's got a whole pizza for himself I'm trying to study

I don't think so he's a rude fella and he is like what about like when he showed up with the bagel in his pants that was fucking great yeah but that's not really him like him in. And he is like one of these... What about when he showed up with the bagel in his pants? That was fucking great. Yeah, but that's not really him.

Him in real life, he's like adult. Right. He attaches himself to issues. He's one of these guys who says, I'm against genocide on a poster. And it's like, shocking. How'd you ever take that controversial stance on the subject? And then they want accolades.

They want to get GLAAD awards and fucking NAACP fucking nominations into the Hall of Fame or something like this. It's like he attaches himself to issues that he's like, yeah, everyone's against it. And then he really takes a lot of pride in it. But he gets to bang Scarlett Johansson right now. What? He's banging her ass?

I didn't know that. I think Ryan Reynolds is such a dreamboat. And now she went with Sean Penn. Good looking guy. Well, he's Sean Penn, you know. Yeah, but Ryan Reynolds is funny a dreamboat. And now she went with Sean Penn. Well, he's Sean Penn, you know. Ryan Reynolds is funny. He's charming. Six-pack abs. Pretty face. Entertainers gotta get out of politics all together. I agree.

They're all fucking whoremongering drug addicts. Everybody that's in show business is a whoremongering drug addict. I can vouch for this. I think that's why all of us love whores. And they're not the smartest cats. A lot of them are narcissistic and strange, and you shouldn't listen to them,

but you should enjoy their work. They're doing some shit. Actors are black holes for brains. Actors are the dumbest human beings on Earth, without a doubt. And that's why I don't get when you're like, oh, Sean Penny was great in Fast Times, but that's not him.

That's a character. I don't get when people do that. I do respect, and I'm a hardcore comic, but I do respect the craft of acting. I'm not afraid to say that I enjoy somebody getting into a character, believing into it. I enjoy the whole process. He was fucking retarded in I Am Sam, dude. He was fucking retardedly amazing. No, he was.

He really was. Yeah, he was a good reader. I mean, Rocio... Carlito's way of the coked out dude. That's fucking great. That's acting. That's not him. That's the thing.

I don't give a fuck about him. I like the acting. Oh, you said you liked him. I don't give a fuck about the entertainers. I don't... You shouldn't give a fuck. All right. That's the...

No, you have to because he's thrown his personal life out there and he's such an idiot that it's just very upsetting to like have to listen to him speak and all he does is say things that make 16 year old girls wet

in their disgustingly shaped crotches because they think he's such a great human being and then he ties them up when he tries to have sex with them and beats them like Madonna.

Madonna, fine. Beat her. She probably loved it but I'm talking about everybody else. If he touches Scar Jo, if he touches Scar Jo, I'm on Sean Penn, buddy. I'm coming after

your fucking ass and you won't be acting retarded. I'll make you retarded. What about Robin Wright? I'm worried about Robin Wright fucking the Princess Bride. She was amazing. He was married to her. He was married to her for a long time. What did he do to her? Well, she left him and then went back and then left him again. amazing. He was married to her. He was married to her for a long time. You imagine what he did to her. What did he do to her? She liked it.

Well, she left him and then went back and then left him again. Well, it's the same reason I keep on calling my father. You always go back to the man who hits you. Well, speaking of violent men. History. We're getting the historical stuff right now. Blackbeard ship. Queen Anne's Revenge

is now being explored by marine archaeologists off the course of the coast of north carolina excuse me i've been flying all day uh it's uh giving up some of its treasures also revealing the infamous pirates terrifying tactics here's what the guy used to do he used to have an array of improvised weapons where he would kill everyone on board but not damage the ship. What he would do is he would fill cannons that fire canvas bags full of glass, nails,

spikes, or batches of nine-inch bolts. Yeah! Which would just devastate everyone on the fucking It's exactly what prisoners put in a zip gun. Yeah! It's just so brilliant. I'd like to see that at an improv jam. Throw that on the stage.

The stage is in pristine condition though. I think we can do a show here now. Fantastic. What a brilliant way to do it because before they used to destroy the ships and get none of the booty. He just made himself get all that sweet, sweet bootay. That's a thing. Hopefully he got to keep some of those ladies alive though. Because that's the point of the rape and the pillage.

I mean, pillaging's fine. But if you don't have that rape part, why am I here with you, Blackbeard? Right, right. If you're going to kill people, why not go creative with it? You're already a murderer. Have fun. Booby traps. Yeah, booby traps.

Gotta have booby traps. I mean, Holden, what would be your technique if you were a pirate and you just wanted to take that vessel over? Well, I would just get so mad and sad, and I'd just be like, give me the boat! And if they didn't give me the boat, I'd cry about it until they finally gave me the boat. What if they didn't come to your... I'd call my mom. Oh, you'd call your mom. Okay, fantastic.

There you go. There you go. But wait, they didn't have phones. That's the thing. I'd just go, Mama! I'd just scream her name out. The mother's obviously on the boat, right? Yeah, they didn't have phones. That's the thing. I just go, Mama! I just scream her name out. The mother's obviously on the boat, right? We've got to suspend disbelief here. I don't know what I would do.

Maybe just do a nice little mooning, something like that. Just a lot of butts? Maybe just try to put on a good show. Oh my god. That would be... How scary is that message? Your girlfriend goes missing or your husband goes missing. A week later, you get a box just of their butt.

They may or may not be alive. That's terrifying. So much worse than the head. Just the cheeks. Just the cheeks. Ben, do you think if someone sent you Mara's butt, would you be able to recognize it? Oh, yeah. I would be able to recognize it.

I'd take two wooden things. I'd take them off of what do you call those? Broomsticks. I'd jam them in either cheek and put some heels on the bottom of those broomsticks. I'd have it walk around house and I'd put my cock right between it. I'll tell you one thing. I'm very lucky. She's got a sweet, sweet ass. I'm going to marry that woman. She's a sweet woman.

She is a nice woman. Nothing like coming to a butt. Oh yeah. But it doesn't necessarily have to have a person attached to it. It's like how chicks slap a dildo onto a wall

and then fuck it. Right. Oh, God, I love it. How much porn do you watch? Oh, man, you wouldn't even believe it because I was watching... How much porn do you watch?

Oh, I watch porn every day. How many times a day? Just once. I watch it to cum and that's it. I drink to get drunk and I watch porn to cum. Yeah. But I watched A Black Fellow and that's it. I drink to get drunk and I watch porn to come. But I watched

A Black Fellow, Kevin. Thank you very much. And I thought of you. I was just stroking it. You called me when you called me today. I was watching a 10-inch dick go into the fattest of all buttocks. That's what we do, man. No, a black woman.

The thing is, if I'm watching a black guy with his big 10-inch dick, I can't watch the white woman. She can't take it properly. She doesn't play women. No, they don't really. Like, Gianna Michaels can do it. And that's it.

He's a beast. Everyone else, it's just like, they're there to get this new market in their porn business for their.com. Right, right, right. But, you know, so you really need to see. I like authentic. And I'll tell you, jacking off to a black dick fucking a black chick. Brutal.

It's just great, though. I love it. I really like it. Asian, I can't watch Asians. See, I can do Asian. Man or woman. Because I feel better about myself watching them. But isn't it nice?

I mean, the bigger the cock, the better. That's what I say. All right. Well, you have an Asian fetish all around. That's why you got Phil. You know what? Really, I'd say that more than anything, I don't have a fetish for Asians. Asians have a fetish for me.

Whoa! I don't do any work at all. They all come to me. They're like a white dude who just looks tired and beat up. Looks like you've been playing fucking Warcraft all night in some prison. I've been flying since 7am, man.

That's amazing. We have an Asian fella filming the show here. Is there a reverse Asian fetish? Are there any chicks that really need that, I guess, tan meat? Actually, I've never dated an Asian girl. Really? I grew up in Miami, so...

Cuban. Have you dated a black girl? Yes, Jamaican. How is that? You need to have a baby. And then that baby will immediately become powerful. Also beautiful. Or start a great fusion restaurant. Yeah, either way. It's not in the East Village. They always close down there.

East Village is not for fusion restaurants. Are you still with your black girlfriend? No, I had to leave Gainesville. Oh, so you're a single man. Yeah, she's a teacher right now. Good for her. She's doing good for the world. Yeah, I'm sure leave Gainesville. Oh, so you're a single man. Yeah, she's a teacher right now. Good for her. She's doing good for the world. Yeah, I'm sure she's a fantastic teacher.

So I guess, Ray, you're hitting on him now. Well, he only likes black women who do good. So, no, I'm not hitting on him. I have no shot. I'm an awful person. Well, you never know. I mean, that might be a good thing. Oh, God.

Oh, man, just never know. I mean, that might be a good thing. Oh, God. Oh, man. Just the things. I just want to put my fat on your ass and just really go nuts with it there. All right. What? I have big rolls of fat. He's got a penis.

More yours. But if I have to go through him to get to you, hey, I've played video games before, I understand an underboss. And I will get, I'll get to the head boss one of these days. Oh, well, I was just talking about being on a plane earlier this week. A Florida guy, talking about Florida again.

Florida guy. A Florida guy became a solo member of the Mile High Club on a United Airlines flight for whacking off next to an 18-year-old girl. In the seat? In the seat. During the flight.

In the seat, during the flight. He paid the $75 jack-off fee, though. Which is, we all know, $50 to check, $75 to jack off. He's in it, and I think, no harm, no foul. Well, what happens? What if his feet accidentally got on her?

There's tons of foul. Also, was it the middle seat? Because then he's got more rights. That's true. The girl said that she said, quote, My friend Zach turned to me and said, That man is masturbating. And in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis,

and he was. She said, I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom. Wow. How tiny is this guy? Is he a jockey? No, he looked like such a dirtbag. He was 25. How literally, is he

Vern Troyer? Is he a little man? How do you jack If I got a boat or a plane I can go right through the top The whole thing is going down Can I go around the room And ask you a question Like an honest question

Have you ever jerked off Into the bathroom on a flight I've never finished But I stroked a couple Okay Around the room You Never have

I Normand-ed it. I marked it. So what you're saying is like, I'm kind of horny, this flight kind of sucks, I went to the bathroom, I tried to jerk it, and then I got weird. You got weird. Then I pulled out, and then I said no dice, I didn't go all the way. And then you're like, I'm going to make this bathroom the cockpit. Come on! I felt turbulent, so I was like, I don't want to die like this.

Go jack it right off. KB, you ever jack off on a plane? No, man, I never even thought of that. So many other places. That's the thing. Ben, what about you? No, but I learned that I cannot piss in the sink of a plane. Bathroom.

I always pee in sinks. I'm so tall. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't pissed in a toilet in about a year. I'm dead serious. All I do is piss in sinks.. I always pee in sinks. I'm so tall. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't peed in a toilet in about a year. I'm dead serious. All I do is piss in sinks. Never put your hands in there. But I didn't realize that the water doesn't go down in the sink. It doesn't? No.

It just stood there. So I'm like in there. I'm splashing it around a little bit. Trying to give it a little tide. Trying to get it down. What? Because I piss in sinks. Do you have to put your hands in it afterwards? I wanted to get it down so the person who went in there afterwards don't have to put your hands in it afterwards. I wanted to get it down so the person who went in there afterwards wasn't like, oh, somebody left this beautiful water

that's full of something that I should slap on my face. So then you just took a dump in it, right? No, I don't dump in sinks. I dump in toilets and I pee in sinks. As a matter of fact, I just took a dump and then I peed in the sink. You ever do that fun thing where you run down a beach shitting? What? No!

But I have shitted in the ocean. I have gone out and gone out in the ocean and took a shit. Like, eh, eh, eh. There is nothing better than that. It cleans it all out. It cleans it all out.

It's a natural thing. It's very natural. And the seagulls go to town. And I've wiped my ass with snow before. Snow! Snow. The thing is...

Yeah, that's... No, it cleans very good. I did, in college, I did a Knowles thing For a semester I was in the wilderness for 97 days And you learned to shit in the woods And we were in the Grand Tetons

And if you ever get to shit outdoors And there's snow around Try wiping your ass with snow It cleans everything out It's crystal, though. Yeah, but if you do good for it, this was out west, so it's good, fluffy, good, fresh, nice snow. It cleans it in one, two swips. Wap, wap.

It's kind of like a bidet, but kind of more like a snow cone. Definitely jacked off on a bidet before. Eighth grade. Oh, God. It's heaven. You just went somewhere, bro. A bidet is heavenly. So would you take a leaf or snow?

If you're in the wild and you have both. I always would tell everybody go with snow. It's cleaner than paper. Paper is kind of a nasty thing if you think of it. It's a tree. You're just wiping your ass with a huge tree. Scrubbing all of it around. I mean, a good wipe is like a couple of papers.

And then if you really want to go all out, get a wet one to clean it all out. There's nothing more powerful than knowing that you have the cleanest asshole in the room. Oh, you feel great. I mean, one of those fun things about evolution, you look at a bear, and after a bear takes the old poo-poos in the woods, and it immediately goes up to a tree and just rubs its ass right on it. We just one-upped it. We just took that tree and made it into the paper. We're just like little bears, but 2,000 years in the future. Dogs don't need to wipe. That's evolution.

Well, they scoot, though. I mean, their buttholes is on the outside. They have no cheeks. Oh, speaking of dogs and jobs, got a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, shit! It's called Dog Jobs. We're talking about jobs that dogs have. Now, I've been unemployed recently.

I'm kind of bouncing back and forth from temp jobs. So I wanted to go around the room. I know all you guys have some day jobs outside of comedy. And I want to be interviewed. I want to see if I can get a job with one of you guys at where you work. We'll start with Kevin. Just go around. So, hey.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hey, what's up, man? I'm good. Thank you. You know, I'll start off by saying I've failed every job interview I've ever been on. Every job I've had, had no interviews. I don't even know how you do this.

Hey, man. So, I've heard about the moving company. We move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We lift boxes and shit. Oh, fantastic. What's the deal? Is it night times, day times?

Well, it's like you start just early and you just work all day. Yeah, we don't hire bitches, man. There can't be no crying and complaining. Breaks. None of that. Breakies. No breaks, man. Do you do breakies? Okay.

Just go out there and you sweat and you hurt. All right. What defines hurt? Is that to my arms and legs or am I more mental? It's more mentally difficult? Itends on how much of a man you are right now. Let's go half. Half, yeah. Halfway there. Halfway to mandib. I don't know

if we can hire you, man. God damn it. Ben, what's up? I'm a dog nanny. I take care of three dogs and currently Lily is in heat. She is presenting herself. She is a large blown out pussy. Like one of those pussies you see in the pornos that have the suction cup put on it. So the deal is, Cheo has been having sex with her.

He's a huge penis. He's double her size. And we're talking, you know, similar to the black fella that I jacked off with today. With, of course. We came at the same time. And we were having sex with the same lovely lady. And God knows, she seemed to really enjoy my presence. This is the weirdest job interview I've ever been in.

It's different. Yeah. No, it's a bit of a different company here, so you're going to have to get used to the terminology. But no, so I mean, so Cheo's inside of her, and she's crying.

She presented. She obviously wanted it, but now she's being raped. She's saying no. She's saying no, like that gal who got raped by the two cops who were acquitted, which was bullshit.

Yeah, it was. So he is inside of her. His cock is blue now To a size that is very very impossible To get out of her How are you going to get it out of her And what technique are you going to use To soften his penis back to a normal size

You've got to get rid of the red rocket How are you going to do it Unhorny the dog Alright I feel like Maybe I'll just put on some Two and a half men, maybe, on the TV and just position them towards that. Kind of move them over and have them watch that.

If that doesn't work, I guess I'll just cut the dog's cock off. You cannot be a dog nanny, my friend. No, what you've got to do is you've got to distract Lily with her toy called Squirrely, which is a squirrel, and you squeak it in front of her. And then you say, Che Che, Che Che.

You give him a lamb lung, which is a nice little treat that dogs love. It's like puppy crack. And that makes the erection go down. It does, because now he's eating. So the erection is slowly going down. You start to tickle his butt a little bit. Not the butthole. You rub his butt. And we've got another order here at the Creek and the Cave.

Somebody's getting the guac. So you pet his little butt a little bit and then you just tear them apart and they're both going to cry and they're going to try to bite you. I don't want to be a dog nanny. Well, you don't get to be. What do you got? I'm a receptionist. Okay, so I can do phones. You can do phones?

I'm good at phones, yeah. How well are you at responding to, because I'm also an administrative assistant. I've got all these funky things. I've had several years of administrative assistant work. So how well are you at responding to, because I'm also an administrative assistant. I've got all these funky things. I have several years of administrative assistant work. So how good are you at dealing with white people who are not as smart as you? I'm one of

those white people, so it's not that tough to say. I've got to be like, oh, I just like you. Oh, we're pals. Those Negroes, they don't know how to get orders right. Right? There we go.

Right. Exactly. So, well, it's good. I can always do the, hey, you know, hello, nice to meet you, you know, kind of, all that kind of phone work type stuff. You know, what's your problem? Don't really, what time do you get to work on, what time am I supposed to be at work? Ooh, I should be there at nine.

I get there 9.15. Okay, this could work. Now we're talking, what about 10? No. 11. Well, you have to. Now we're talking, what about 10? No. 11. Well, you have to answer phones because there are messages for you. That's the thing, but I'll message machine. It's a new thing. But you also have to fix the copier because somebody should have gotten a

fax at like 9.30. Gotcha. This is actually the closest I could come to actually getting a job at this table because I do all that shit and I fucking hate it. Marcus, what are you going to do to get Holden a job? Holden? I've got to ask you a couple questions here. So, tell me,

what is your working style? Okay, well, I'm not a morning person and I kind of need to get out early, usually for shows. Do you? But I like to concentrate the work. I like to usually come in, play around with Reddit for a little bit, wait until the last possible moment that I know that I can get the work done in,

which is usually like an hour before I leave, and then I scramble to get it all done. And God help us if there's a problem, because I'm just not going to be able to fix it, and I'm going to go off to a comedy show. You're fired. And this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. What a real hoot. Ray Sonny, to a comedy show. You're fired. And this has been the Roundtable. What a real hoot. Ray Sonny, thank you so much.

You are amazing. Mark Norman, Marcus Parks, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel, Rob Cantrell. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. And we will be here next week to entertain your brains, and I am looking forward to it.