The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 49: Pig Bullets and Eatin' Butts at the Racist Barbeque

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Christ, Kevin’s got some balls. Tune in to hear about him going to a racist barbeque while wearing a black power pick in his hair, plus lunatics are selling pig bullets for shooting Muslims and Russians are burying themselves alive overnight in their very own version of planking.

All right, that's not my leg. Hello! All right, Holden, you're on prayer. Oh, good. All righty. Okay, well, I guess it's time to lead us through a guided meditation. Everyone, please close your eyes. All right, you are in Mount Doom. You are in Mount Doom. You've got the ring. Who's that? Who's that little guy?

Who's that little guy? Is that Schmeagle? What do you do with Schmeagle? He's trying to get your ring back. You hit him in the head. He's got his fucking brains all over the place. You grab the brains. Smoke the brains. His brains are nuggets. Now you're floating. Now you're floating through the air.

You've got a huge throbbing dog. You've got a big dick. And you're stroking it. You're stroking the shit out of that thing. And then you come, but you come flowers. You come the lotus petals of the flowers. Now, what do you do with those? Do you eat them? I do. Every time I do it.

And now, I want you to slowly come back to the room. You're in the round table, buddy. You're in the round table. And let's start this fucker. Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to the round table, buddy. You're in the round table. And let's start this fucker. Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to the round table, gentlemen.

This is a star-studded cast today. Who is everybody here? Molly Neffel, for example. There we go. Molly Neffel is here sitting in for the wonderful Jackie Zabrowski. Thank you for being here, Molly. Thank you for having me. Ed Larson.

Holden McNeely. Cowabunga. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. We got the very vivacious Ryan Fyke. Thanks for being me. Ed Larson. Hold me nearly cow a fucking bunga. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. We got the very vivacious Ryan Fyke. Thanks for being here. The always pleasurable Dan Soder. Thanks, buddy. Hi. Dan and I are sharing a very close, intimate microphone

so we are going to have a real fireside chat at one point. I feel like Johnny Cash and June Carter. Oh, which one am I? I call June Carter. And I be Johnny. And the always plump Henry call June Carter. And I be Johnny. And the always plump Henry Zebrowski. Thanks for being here. Yeah!

Dog in the corner! Don't tell me. He's wetting himself. And then Barry, Kevin Barnett's friend. Barry, do you want a last name or should we just call you Salmon Barry? Salmon Barry is here. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parkus. Marcus, what do you got for us today, my friend? A website is pitching pig oil to coat bullets to stop shot Muslim terrorists from entering paradise.

Yeah! What does that mean? What are you talking about? Yes! This is amazing. Muslim terrorists are the new vampires. This is some Van Helsing shit. That's amazing.

This is why we're going to win this war, man. Yeah, no one saw the pig-covered bullets. That is genius. I want to cook popcorn in pig oil. Wouldn't that be so good? Yeah. Fat man. That's a fat thought.

Molly, you reacted with initial disgust, because obviously this is going to kill the soul of the Muslim. Denying him is 40 virgins. It's just remarkably creative. I mean, it's you know, a bullet is an evil thing and then they manage to go and cover it with something that's delicious and

then they make it more evil to Muslims. Well, I don't think a bullet's an evil thing. It's just when it's traveling at 500 miles an hour. But so, what other uses are there for bullets? He stomped you with his launching. He just beat you. My brain is exploding right now.

But what other use is there for bullets? Are you going to make necklaces out of them? You could. Oh, that'd be cool. Key chains. Key chains, necklaces, pens. Cool little clicker on the back of a pen. Bullets.

Just use them as bullets. You can always shoot Muslims with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kill a horse. Paperweights for tiny piles of paper. Yeah. The tidies. Absolutely. A for tiny piles of paper. Yeah, absolutely. A post-it paperweight. I love it. So are these things selling like hotcakes?

Well, they, uh... Well, what they claim is, uh, let's see here. They claim that thousands of bottles of oil have been distributed to members of the U.S. military, and they claim that the bullet that killed bin Laden was a pig bullet. Oh! We got bin Laden with a pig bullet!

Pig bullet. I love it. Double pop, man. It just seems so adorable when you call it a pig bullet, too, because you just think of the world's smallest little pig. You just line up bin Laden. He's like, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink. Oh, no!

It's got, like, one of those stupid little noses on the end of it. Oh, it's so adorable. But then, of course, it just bounces right off of him, and they have to shoot him with a real bullet. And the guy who sells it, he calls himself Midnight Rider and the Warrior of Yahweh. Of course he does, because he lives in a single-wide trailer somewhere in Kentucky. I'm like the Midnight midnight rider Willie's talking about.

I put the bullet in pig oil and I saved the world. It's like, sir, your RV hasn't moved in years. I don't know if you're the midnight rider. You're the midnight sitter. Maybe the midnight drinker. Certainly the midnight wife abuser. I really like the idea of a jihadist getting a bullet, pulling it out of his leg, and the doctor being like,

don't worry, you're going to be fine. Oh, fuck. Your body is surviving. Your body is surviving. Your soul is dead, my friends. The site is actually called Silver Bullet. And here's what they say. One shot, one soul. Claims

the bizarre product is aimed at triggering, quote, demoralizing fear and terror into the supposedly fearless, and they also put fearless in quotes, Islamofascist terrorists who can't make it to paradise if they're contaminated by a pig product. I just love that this is still based upon the notion that their second life is real. It's like, this guy is really, I cracked the code on Muslim terrorists.

I'm going to send them to pig hell. As opposed to realizing that there is neither. So if they're not going to paradise, what's Muslim hell like? 40 sluts. Just the sluttiest girls. Nude and tooty. That sounds much better than virgin. No, but not to the Muslim man. They like a woman to have that hymen still in there.

Get rid of the hymen. I've never once felt one that I enjoyed. It's a wall. It's a door. Get it out of there. Muslim hell is a Walmart in Iowa. Just a bunch of fat white chicks with a bunch of babies. Well, there was a couple weeks ago, there was a Muslim woman who

was wandering a Walmart somewhere in the Midwest just spitting on people. Got charged with a hate crime. Hate crime! Hate crime! Is there an equivalent that would be like for example for American Christian religious people could you soak a bullet and what would it be like

you just soak it in Muslim blood Muslim blood bullet scientific fact yeah soak it in DNA and then just shoot that into people etch the diagram of human evolution into the bullet, and they'll just be shattered forever.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing, Eddie. If you had a bullet, the double helix, Barry, that is correct. You nailed it. Yeah, Eddie, if someone had to create a bullet to stop you, what would it be? Oh, man. What are you wrapping on it? Because it certainly can't be bacon, because your body would just absorb the bullet. You're like, I think I'm full.

Just get stronger. Yeah. No, I'd be turning into the Hulk and shit. Just get a little bit larger every time you're shot with a bacon bullet. No, I would think standard silver would be good. You know, a dildo-shaped bullet. That would be good. Yeah, like a bunch of little mini dicks.

Just shoot those at me. That would take me down. That would be good. Yeah, like a bunch of little mini dicks. Just shoot those at me. That would take me down. That would be hilarious, too. Oh, man, I'm just happy that I was in the child when the pig bullets were developed, because I'd just be in the basement licking all the bullets all day long. And my dad would just come down all pissed off. Who licked all the pig oil off the bullets? Was it Fat Ben or the two anorexic gays in the family?

I think it was Fat Ben. Well, what they do is they use the pig oil as gun oil. Two anorexic gays in the family. I think it was fat Ben. Well, what they do is they use the pig oil as gun oil. So whenever the bullet passes through the chamber, it grabs some of the pig oil and right into the Muslim. Not bad. Not bad. How do you make pig oil? Out of the brain?

You just like smuggle it. Do you just put a... You muddle it? You muddle it. You muddle it? Muddle it. You got to muddle it. You should use the brain and then throw the rest of the body away. You don't even use the meat. You just use the brain.

Well, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I mean, these are Muslim killing pigs. They're not for food. It's liquefied pig fat. Yeah. With a blended high-grade weapons oil designed for use in all firearms. Oh, I think that's adorable.

That is great. That's all good. So you can make pig crossbow bolts. Yeah. That would be great. Like a pig flare gun. What if you just spray them with pig oil? Put it in a hose and just spray it all over Afghanistan.

That's a good idea. So if the U.S. military uses all their bullets in pig oil, both Iraq and Afghanistan are just going to smell delicious. Yeah, it's going to be amazing. It smells like a shawarma. Yeah. Super hot sun coming down? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, I just want to butter them. It could honestly

just stop the war or create a whole race of zombies. It would just be Americans going over there and just eating the fuck out of those people. Man, thank God they don't have lettuce or tomatoes. Oh, my goodness. They't have lettuce or tomatoes. Oh my goodness. Well, you might have lettuce and tomatoes. I have a feeling they do have some produce over there. Yeah, they probably

eat and shit over there. Yeah, they got wheat, I think, or something like that. If it was a Hindu thing, I guess you would dip it into cow, right? Because they love the cow. But that would be totally different because Muslims hate pigs. That's the thing, right? They don't worship the pig at all. They hate them.

They hate them. So that's why they don't eat them. I don't think that they hate them. I think it's like a really ancient thing that's like, I actually don't, I shouldn't be talking right now. Well, fantastic. Forget it. Forget it. I'm bailing.

The thing is, it seems weird to me that they would hate something and then choose not to eat it. Because when you hate something, don't you want to just take all that it is and make it yourself? It's a filthy animal. It's an animal that rolls in its own excrement. Smarter than dogs, though. Most German men roll in their own excrement, too. They're not allowed to fuck them, either. Well, alright.

That's why? It's because they're dirty? I thought it was because they were so smart. Well, I have no idea. God knows. Who doesn't eat shrimp or just shellfish? Jews. That's the same thing. They got shit inside of them

and they make people sick all the time. That's the whole thing. As a man who does not eat ass, do you eat shrimp? Nah, man. You don't eat shrimp? No shit goes in my mouth. Fuck that. That is insane to me.

I mean, so you like... Well, it looks like you're not getting that mushroom ice cream anytime soon, Kevin. You gotta play your cards right. Yeah, buddy. I'm gonna deny ya. I mean, Molly, you like it, right? Anyway, we're all talking about that. What are we talking about?

Are we talking about eating ass? Yeah, you like to eat ass. I don't. But you like it when it's done to you like to eat ass. I don't. But you like it when it's done to you. No. You don't? No. No, I was with a guy once who didn't like to go down on me, but wanted to do that.

And I was like, let's back up here. Was he a dog? Was it Doberman that you were dating? He was quiet and sensitive. I loved his eyes. But he just wanted to eat my ass And he had a big tongue Rover Jones

Look at that dog in the man costume That we always see Now Barry is a fucking huge advocate of eating Didn't you go down You ate the ass of some huge bitch And it tastes like quesadillas or something Barry come we definitely need to get this information How's eating that ass bro Come on let's talk about some ass eating quesadillas or something? We definitely need to get this information. How was it?

How's eating that ass, bro? Come on, let's talk about some ass eating. Do you spread them or do you go in there naked? The schematics of it are a lot easier than eating a pussy. What? Yeah, man. You just put your tongue down and lick. It's the lazy man's eating pussy. Exactly. Business man's Yeah

Somebody who doesn't have enough time There's no geography necessary I need to consolidate my time So I'm going to eat some butt It's much more efficient I got six lunches today There's different sectors of it If you don't know what you're doing

You don't know what you're doing But eating a pill for dinner Is more what you're doing. But eating a pill for dinner is more efficient than eating a meal. But eating a meal is more enjoyable. That's the thing. Eat an ass. I mean, soon women are just going to have a piece of flesh down there

covering the vagina. Who needs it? Certainly not me. I don't understand at all. Where did that come from? My brain? Is that like a little flesh flap over the vagina? Yeah, because I don't need the vagina anymore. It would be like a hermaphrodite.

Whenever they get sweaty, it will sort of milk out a little bit. It will be like a dog's tongue. I can't wait for you to get published, Ben. So, Barry, you ate the ass of a fat chick in the back of a car after she'd been partying at a bar all night. Is that the story? Yeah, it was real animalistic, man. I was drunk.

I mean, I would never want to eat the ass of a girl who was just bumping and grinding all over the dance floor. The thing is, I was challenged to do it because I had actually never eaten ass up until that point. And my friend's like, yeah, you've got to lick ass, man. He made perfect sense at the time yeah he said he goes he goes you got these girls you just got to go all the way he said I never not eat ass or never use a condom I was like it makes perfect sense I mean if you're

gonna go drawing drunken and just be debaucherous like that, you just, you gotta, you gotta take. Might as well go out with a case of AIDS and tongue AIDS. Exactly. Sounds like an after school special from the 70s. It's just like, yeah, man, all the cool kids are doing it. It's like a nitty head brown mouth. And it's just like, you know, it just shows them like crying so sadly. You ever like get shit in your mouth?

No, man. It actually didn't even discourage me licking her ass because I actually ran into her again a few months later and licked her ass again. Really? Yeah. I love that. You ever go down on an ass and it's just too much, too dirty, you gotta get out of there? Well, I mean, I've done it probably like seven to

ten times. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a good number. And they love you. They'll keep calling you, man. I'm telling you. I know. The keto woman's heart is her asshole. I'm telling you. I know. That's the keto woman's heart is her asshole. I'm going to go ahead and say that that might

not be true for everybody. Not for everybody, but I assume the extreme morbidly obese she-beast that he's having sex with. That's great. They might give him

a phone call. Isn't the movie Sweet Sixteen Candles based upon the girl gets dared to date the young nerd girl. Right? Do they fall in love after eating her ass?

I started this thought a while ago. It's a John Hughes movie. Yeah. I'm just going to retract it all. I haven't seen that movie in a long time. Yeah. All right. So, Nerd Kid gets...

John Cryer does this? I don't remember. You're talking about 16 assholes. Assholes. Assholes. Assholes. Candles and assholes. Assholes. Asteen candles.

Asteen candles. That's right. Asteen candles. Thank you, Molly. You're brilliant. Hell yeah, Henry. You set it up. It knocks it down. Molly did. So we're over here just talking about pig bullets and eating butts. I love it.

That's the first two topics of the show so far, huh? I love it. Just a quick recap for our listeners. Can that be the title of the episode, Marcus, please? Of course. Pigs bulletsin' butts. Welcome to it. I don't think Muslims can eat ass either.

Oh, no, no. Of course not. Of course not. I don't think they can eat pussy. Anyway, Marcus, is there any other news stories? Of course there's more news stories. Is that where you like your anthropologists? We have no idea. We've got a news story out of our favorite country, Russia. Ah, mother Russia!

A Russian man who decided to spend a night buried alive for good luck didn't make it out of the ground alive. Is that Russian tradition? The 35-year-old villager dug a hole in a garden, and a friend helped him. And climbed into an improvised coffin with holes for air pipes, bringing a phone

and a bottle of water with them. A friend then covered the coffin with earth and planks, returning the next morning to find his friend dead. Investigators believe a rainstorm may have blocked the air supply to the coffin. Oh, that is just fucking brilliant. And he had to, like,

he had to convince his friend for a while. Like, he's like, dude, I can fucking do it, man. It's good luck, bro. It's good luck. Everything that comes out of the ground has unbelievable luck. Man, Russians, you can't talk them out of shit. has unbelievable luck. Man, Russians, you can't talk them out of shit.

Once they get their mind wrapped around something, oh, it's ridiculous. It's that fucking vodka, man. I'm telling you. I'm glad we won the Cold War. Yeah. Can you imagine if those assholes

were in charge of the Earth? Right now? Like a fucking rocket ship headed to the moon ship with a big dick and balls, man. It'd be fucking twisted. We are going to fuck the moon. We are going to fuck their moon. We're going to

bury the entire United States of America for one night. Everyone's sleeping ground. Everyone's sleeping ground. Want to be a doctor? Sleep in ground. You want to be a physicist? You sleep in a ground. I could just see that guy's

friends here being like, hey, good morning man, you made it, bro, I'm just gonna dig you out. We're gonna party so hard, you're quiet today. Has this French faced any charges for aiding and abetting this retarded idea? It's Russia. No, it's a godless nation. They don't give a fuck.

It says that numerous Russian bloggers have written about undergoing supervised self-burial, and investigators believe the superstitious victim was influenced by accounts he had read on the internet. This is a thing in Russia. Is this like planking in Russia? This is exactly like... This is Russia's version of planking. What's a planking? Yeah, what the fuck is planking?

It's dumb when you lay down on something. Or in this case, underneath your... It's literally the dumbest thing that ever fucking happened to America, man. I hate it so much. It's these kids are running around, laying on shit, and taking pictures and calling it something. I'm fucking so angry. You just find a thing and lay down on it, and your friend takes a picture, and that's it. That's a thing that they're fucking...

That's a thing that they're doing. It's called planking. How lazy is this generation? That's the thing. You're the. It's called planking. How lazy is this generation? You're the laziest of all. It used to be skateboarding, which is kind of physical. Or choking yourself out. Choking yourself out.

That was always fun. Extreme walking. But extreme walking is pretty badass. That is badass. Laying on shit. Laying down. Laying down anywhere. Come on, China.

Take us over. People have been dying. Planking. How? What did they lay on? Get run over by cars and shit. Or like falling over the sides of buildings. Yeah.

Like they get up on the roof of the building and they'll try to plank over the side of the building. And the thing is, you have to, it's like being like perfectly rigid though. Yeah. Like a plank. Oh, so you mean, yeah, a plank. I thought you meant like they're just literally just like lying down on the back. No.

I mean, it's not that much more effort, but there's some. I mean, I think it's less. That's huge abdominal muscles. I mean, you've got to have a six-pack to nail off a good plank. I guess so. That's core strength. Yeah, stuff like that. That's what they're doing now.

We're originated. Apparently, it's hit the world now. I'm not even rigid when I'm standing straight up. Man, I wonder how long you can plank for. Me? Yeah. Get into the position my neck has to hold up my stomach? No, no, no, no.

Let's find out. Plank right now, Henry. I'm having trouble sitting. I have what's called a reader's neck. What's that mean? It's really good for allowing my eyes to tilt down to read. Really? So in other words, you can't keep your head up of your own fucking...

I cannot support more than seven pounds with this neck. You got a bobble head. Yeah. What if you're wearing a big hat, Henry? I don't. That's true. You never see Henry I don't. That's true. You never see Henry in a hat. That's a good point.

See, look at his head. Never touched a big hat. Every thousand years. He's got that beautiful hair. That's so sad, man. There's a lot of great hats out there, dude. There's so many good hats. There's a lot of fun earrings, too.

I can't hold water jugs. If that was the necessary thing, we would die. It's like if Henry were a donkey, he'd be the worst donkey. I'd be the funny donkey. Yeah, the donkey that just hangs out and makes fun of the other donkey. Never actually lives, doesn't he? Not a useful donkey. You know donkeys won't hold meat?

What? You try to put meat on a donkey, it flips out. That's crazy. Yeah, it is. I don't understand. Well, how would you feel if someone put a bunch of human flesh on you? Great. Yeah, well.

Human flesh, yeah. It's not donkey meat. Well, they're all animals. I'm just saying maybe he has a kinship with the other animals. Fuck that. No, donkeys are the dumbest of all animals. They get treated terribly by other animals. Then why do they flip out when you put meat on them?

Because they're retarded, and that's why the other animals know that. And then they hate them. Is there any way to check if that fact is true? No, it's true. Donkeys are the dumbest of all animals. Donkeys equal retarded. Turkeys are fucking stupid. Turkeys are not stupid, dude. Turkeys are fucking...

If you leave them outside and it rains, they drown. Yeah, they just look up in the air. They're in the national mascot instead of bald eagles. That's what Ben Franklin wanted. Turkey is a fantastic piece of produce. I love it. As a matter of fact, Americans, they should coat bullets in turkey blood. That's what should kill us.

That's powerful stuff. What are you looking at, Marcus? I'm trying to figure out this donkey meat thing. I'm so confused. It's such a dangerous thing to Google is donkey meat. I mean, whenever you put donkey meat in the Google, you know how it's like auto, okay, here's the top five.

Here's the top five. Donkey meat for sale. Donkey meat for sale. Donkey meat poopy. Donkey meat China. Donkey meat wiki. And donkey meat Italy. Hey, all right. Donkey Meat Wiki and Donkey Meat Italy.

Hey, all the place. I don't know what Donkey Meat Poopy means. I'm looking at it. Oh, that's what donkey meat is called. It's called poopy? Why is it called poopy? But poopy's called poopy. What? Poopy sandwich?

Oh, no. No, it's on... Why would they call it poopy sandwich? Oh, no. It's on... Why would they call it poopy? Where did it come from? Because they're so stupid. The first thing whenever you put in donkey meat poopy, it's answers.com, why is donkey meat called poopy? And the answer is because it tastes like ass.

This is the best day of Henry's life. Very salivating back there. Is it literally like P-O-O-P-Y? Yeah, it's P-O-O-P-Y. Poopy. I thought it might have been like Poopy or something like that. No, it's Poopy. Don't bring any culture into this fight. Oh god, this is the best day.

That's amazing. Well, I would love to eat it. It sounds fantastic. Oh, my God. Kevin, I want to get to you for a second. Kevin, you had an adventure yesterday with Barry. You were talking to him. Yeah, man, a lot of shit went down.

Basically, this is how the origins of this. When Barry was living in Tallahassee, we had a random roommate who was racist. Just racist. Just straight-up racist. Institutionally racist. Institutionally racist. Institutionally racist. We called him Negro Neil because it would piss him off.

So Negro Neil is just a lonely ass dude. He doesn't have any friends because he's racist. He was having his graduation barbecue at his house. He flies up, Barry from Miami, pays for his flight to come up there and tries to bogart him the whole night. When you went up there, when you got there,

and you see his whole family was racist. But Barry, are you completely white, Barry? I'm Jewish. Oh, wow. So he's at least open-minded enough as a racist. No, no, no. He hates me, too. Yeah, like what happened with his grandfather when you walked in?

Talk right on the mic, Barry. We showed up, you know, because Talk right on the mic, Barry. We showed up. Because you live with the guy, but he was in college, so he couldn't really be as openly racist as he wanted to because he would have got his ass kicked. Especially in Talley. Yeah, exactly. Fan music down the street.

I mean, I just blame the liberal education system. But for some reason, the racism opened up. His grandfather, who was the white devil, he had red eyes. Yeah, just like so much hate, his eyes were just red. Really? Just like decades of hate. This guy's been around since the Civil Rights Movement. So he's probably sick dogs on people before.

For whatever reason, we passed by a town, New City. for whatever reason, we passed by a town, New City, and he said Martin Luther King got away with calling New City Jew City by accident, and he said, and I quote, I'm glad that nigger got a bullet through his head. Just for no reason. Just for no reason. That's just like a weird thing to say in a car. Driving, you're like, hey, New City, fun fact.

Just constantly hating. He probably just gets up in the morning and is like, fucking niggas, fucking hate. First thing. He's telling me all this. We're going up there to this barbecue yesterday. We're riding this bus. Why are you going?

Exactly. I'm sitting there and he's telling me all of this. Can't turn down a barbecue. Exactly. Free barbecue. That is the blackest thing ever. Somewhere right now, Neil's grandfather's smiling. See, I knew it.

I knew it. You get some kings on a sandwich, they just show up. It's also, you know also because Neil's a racist, but he's a lonely guy. Yeah, he's just lonely. Me and Kevin, we're not racist. We're kind people, you know, the way society should be. Even as racist and hateful as he is, after I told Kevin about the Martin Luther King situation,

we took a bus to go see this racist. He's telling me about this on the bus. I'm like, I'm taking a three-hour bus ride. A black and a Jew are taking a three-hour bus ride to a racist barbecue. How do you think Martin Luther King feels? This is not his dream come true.

On a bus, nonetheless. Tell me you sat in front. No, we sat in the back. We sat in the back, dude. Looking right, you did. You piece of shit. We get up there and he lives in our... And Kevin sits in the bathroom.

And he lives in fucking Pearl River, New York. It takes like three hours to get up there. We get up there and his whole family is just shocked seeing me when I walk up. And we just started getting an ass that we were hating the entire time. Neil's a fucking weird dude and he has this fine ass stepsister who's like

17. We were both trying to smash but she wouldn't talk to us because we associated with Neil. I wanted to lick her ass. No. And so we're sitting there and it's like his dad is like, we find out that apparently he like tries on his stepsister's dresses and he smells her

underwear and all this shit. No, no, Neil does this. By the way, the dad, Neil, and the grandfather are all named Neil. They're all just Neil. Just a group of three racist Neils. They're all named Neil. So they only like whites named Neil.

And they like to dress up in ladies' clothing? Just little Neil does. That we know of. It, that we know of. It's a genetic defect. Teeny tiny Neil. Yeah, man. And so we're up there, and his dad is giving a speech, and his grandmother's just really religious and old school and all this.

And his dad is giving a speech about Neil and how he graduated, and they're proud of him. And then Barry's like, yeah, he's like, I never thought a racist closet homosexual could graduate from college. And I was like, yeah, Neil, you got some skeletons in your closet and they're all sucking dicks. Right in front of his fucking 80-year-old grandmother. This is after hours. We get to the racist barbecue.

I'm like, all right, maybe it's going to be a good time. There's beer, there's snacks. And, you know, me and Kevin were the first people there. We get sat down at the snack table and we're having a great time. And immediately when more whites showed up, just like in the 50s, they segregated us

to the back of the party. They kicked us off the snack table and we had to sit in the corner by ourselves. So after that, we decided to band together and ruin his graduation speech. Yeah, basically, racism united us. Racism brings people together. And then it was like, we were trying to get back today. I'm like, shit, we got a whole three-hour bus ride to get back, man.

We went out there. We got to the bus at like 12. I'm hoping I wouldn't be late to everything. And finally, the buses aren't even running. Neil's like, I can't drive you guys in, man. It's such a long drive. I can't do it. We finally convince him to drive.

He's saying it's going to be like an hour and a half drive to get there. We get in his car. It's like 15 minutes. We see this city. The whole time he's blasting white power music. Literally. I didn't know what he was doing. Oh, did you listen to Screwdriver?

Yeah, yeah. He was listening. Yeah,driver? Screwdriver? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he just really like you though? Like, did he just like your personality? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like with free trips and alcohol just so he could be racist towards us. Because any other person would have kicked his ass by now. I mean, I just don't like this guy because he's not good at what he does. If he's a racist, you don't fly a Jew out and allow a black at your party. You fucking get him out of there.

I mean, I just don't like people who aren't fully committed to their beliefs. He's a contradictory racist. I've said it over and over again. What a sad, sad man. I mean, how pathetic is that if you're racist and you hate everything, but yet the only two people that'll associate you with you are a Jew and a black dude?

I mean, how bad is this guy? We went to his town afterwards. We thought we were going to get lynched because we figured the whole town was racist. But they were normal. Yeah, and actually somebody who he knew, which we were surprised he even knew people besides us, he said never in a million years did I think Neil would be hanging out with a racist Neil. Would be hanging out with a black person. So it's known.

He's known as the town racist. The town racist. This kid was saying he couldn't concentrate in school because Neil would just sit behind him and be racist the whole day. What did he get his degree in? Why is it a black boy? This is the best part. I wish we'd get a white boy. Racial studies.

No, he's about to be a cop. Oh, good. A whole family of cops. Let's put him over in the border. Let's set him down there. That'll be great. It'll work out wonderful. I just wish I had a picture of every person that walked into the barbecue seeing Kevin right when I walked in.

They're like, how's everyone doing? Why power? Why power? Right crispy treats? Why power? What the fuck? He had an Afro pic with the black power fist. Oh, yeah, he did.

I walked up with it, too. I said what's up to his guy. I'm like, what's up, man? I said I said what's up to his guy. What's up, man? I said I wished I had my Jewish star somewhere. Oh, that's just so beautiful. Definitely. Oh, man, you didn't bring a yarmulke? I know.

Oh, it would have been the perfect time, man. Yeah, you really should have juted up at the barbecue. Hello. Why did you pay for these groceries? You got finagled. Start separating the cheese from the meat and shit. Oh, why did you pay for these groceries? You got finagled. Start separating the cheese from the meat and shit. Not eat the hot dog.

Do you have anything very kosher? I love it, man. Good for you guys. I'm proud of you guys. Yeah, man. Going down there, breaking barriers. What state does he live in? It's Pearl River, New York.

So I assume there's not anything other than whites there, right? So if he plans to be a cop there, so hopefully he doesn't move and be a cop anywhere else. If he just stays to the white area, he should be okay. You guys are like the Jackie Robinsons of barbecues. Yeah, it is. It's been in history, going to racist barbecues. You must have been the first black and Jew at any family barbecue for that, dude. For sure.

I don't have the stones to do that. I would never go. I was terrified, man. Because they all own guns. They got guns. They're all cops. They fucking... Oh, they're all cops, too.

So they could just make you go away. Like, I used to eat in their bathroom. It was like gun and ammo magazine. Like, yeah, shotguns and that shit. Soldier of Fortune, just right next to the toilet. Yeah, Soldier of Fortune. Any special comments about the new pig oil bullets and the new gun and ammo? Finally!

I've been saying it for like 12 darn years! I gotta kill the Muslims, baby, across the street! Finally, a bullet that helps me do it. Their kid winning the spelling bee every year. They're right. Only reason they spell so good, so many dumb letters in their names.

My name's Neil. Four letters. It's just three though. They forgot the E. It's just N-E-L. It's not Nell. It's Neil. No. Pronounced Neil. It's pronounced Neil. I actually spelled his name wrong one time.

It's N-E-I-L, because if you say N-E-A-L, he'll say what is that? That's a nigger's name. What? Because if you put an A in Neil, you're a nigger. I don't know if that's true.

This guy is the encyclopedia on racism. We've got to get him in here. I don't know any black guys named Neil at all. N-E-I-L or N-E-A-L. Neil is one of the whitest names around. Such a white name. I'm actually upset just in general

by his racism like you were saying. It's not even right racism because if a black person was to, if a mother was going to name their black kid Neil, it would be like N-E-I-E-L-Y-E. Neil! That's what it says. K-N. K is right. Apostrophe and then just an L. You listening, Neil? That's how you get racist, okay? You get accurate. You get accurate. They spell names wrong and speaking of shit and

speaking of saying shit on the podcast that you're gonna regret got a segment from holden round table regrets and then we'll throw like a or something like in there probably not no but yeah uh we'll still do the segment so we've said some things on the round table, the notoriously terrible things. And in radio in general, I know we got some guests on. Molly has a podcast. She does also on the side. What's it called, Holden? That is her podcast. Holden, what's the name?

No one knows. I'm going to put down a Ducati on the bed that no one knows. Radio Dispatch. Radio Dispatch. Radio Dispatch. You fucking idiot. No Molly's podcast. It's a fantastic podcast.

You should listen to it. Fucking rules. I love it. I fucking love the podcast. It's Molly Neffle and her brother Molly Neffle. John and Molly, get along. It's a show they do. We're plugging the shit out of the show.

Let's plug our own shit. We got dog shit tonight. You'll hear it. Oh, yeah, yeah. They'll hear it right in time. What's your fucking thing, man? What did you say that you regret? I was threatened with a lawsuit to start things off. I got really wasted after a bad

breakup. Said some terrible things about the old ex. Repeat exactly what you said. I named names, you know, all that good stuff. With the old ex-lady and the new man she was with. Don't really remember much. I remember, yeah, I was totally out of line.

What were the charges in the lawsuit? I don't... She's a bitch. That was a charge. Not what he was charged with. No, that's what he was charged with. She's a bitch. I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly, it was slander.

Slander. But it's like, you can't slander. She does improv and she's a... She's not a public figure. You're saying bad stuff again, Ben. You're going to give me another lawsuit. Whoa, buddy. She's a lovely lady.

Yeah, why is Satan... She does improv. A lot of people do improv. I was like, I named the dude's name and stuff like that, but I will say that man has a very good willy. Big dick, huh? Yeah. Thick cut?

He's such a... I was trying to drop hints about his name. has a very good willy. Big dick, huh? Thick cut? I was trying to drop hints about his name. Goodwillie. Did you hear that? He's a fucking asshole. That fucking sucked, and that would be my roundtable regret. Kevin. Oh, yeah, man.

I just regret this entire experience. I hate all of you. That's a good point. I can't think of one thing that I've said that wasn't amazing, to hate all of you. That's a good point. I can't think of one thing that I've said that wasn't amazing, to be honest with you. I'm literally racking my mind, and I can't think of one. I mean, maybe just sometimes just like overshadowing. You know, just like

making everybody just be like, I want to say something as good as what you just said, but now they can't do it, so now I've sort of like peaked the show. And from here on out, people are just like, well, it's not going to get any better than that, better turn it off. So that's my biggest regret, is just being too amazing at the things that come out of my mouth word-wise. So Dan, have you said anything on stage that you regret? Or you were in radio forever, like FM radio.

Did you ever say anything on FM radio you regret? Or you were in radio for forever, like FM radio. Did you ever say anything on FM radio? Yeah, when I was working on air at K-Rock one time, this guy, we just started getting the text requests, and this guy said, like, hey, from such and such New Jersey. I'm like, that's not a town. And then the entire phones rang up and were like, you fucking idiot. I live in that town. And I was like, it was literally the dumbest

I've ever felt. Oh, and one time I said... What was the name of the town? I forget, because I was pretty drunk. It's not a town, yeah. And one time I said that Nine Inch Nails was covering Johnny Cash's hurt. And if you know that, it's actually Johnny Cash covered Nine Inch Nails.

And I said that... Yeah, I really ate my dick on that one. But I liked that, though. I enjoy that Johnny Cash was the first one that came to mind. I mean, he really made that song. And by the end of it, I mean, that's the way I would think of it, too. His hurt is better than the original, don't you think? Yeah, absolutely.

A rare feat. Trent Reznor said it's not his song anymore. Oh, yeah. So there you go. Yeah, absolutely. I'll tell you that. Trent Reznor, he's quite the pretty boy these days. Yes, he is.

He's got those fancy little dreadlocks. Won an Oscar. Yeah, won an Oscar. How would you kiss him if you kissed him? I would kiss him quite the pretty boy these days. Yes, he is. He's got those fancy little dreadlocks. Won an Oscar. How would you kiss him if you kissed him? I would kiss him on the neck first. That's a good place to start. I'd work up to the back of his ear and then the front of his ear, maybe back to the back. He'd go straight for the nose.

Go for a long suck on the nose. On the nose! Suck it on his nose! Give him a nose suck! Give him a nose hickey! That's grosser than eating ass, man. Without a doubt. Mike, anything you've done on stage or said on stage that you regret? I regret most things that I do or say almost immediately.

And then proceed to text people that might have been there to be like, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I was drunk. I think I really regretted a lot of the things that I said the last time I was here on this podcast because I was drunk and dehydrated and I said some filthy things that I don't usually

do. So I'm here to redeem myself. That's why we had you back, though. Thank you. Molly Neville, anything? Well, generally speaking, I regret the fact that my parents can hear what I say in public. They listen to you?

Yeah. I don't know if they listen to the round table of gentlemen. I think we know they don't. But we have you guys on our radio show sometimes, and they listen to that. And when I'm with you guys, you just bring out the most vulgar. I'll just talk about sex stories and guys who want to eat my ass and shit like that. Yeah, talk more about that. I don't want my parents to hear.

And then they'll be like, oh, your most recent radio show was fun. You had those fellows on. Those vulgar fellows. They're great. And then I just feel really self-conscious and dirty. But besides that, I try to live my lifeconscious and dirty. Besides that, I try to live my life with no regrets. There you go.

That reminded me. Whenever I was shitting on Jamaica for a whole month, somehow my aunt got ahold of one of those. I was talking about how my grandfather fucked the whole town. They were a very religious, conservative family.

She was like, God, my ass. I forgot about that shit. That's hilarious. Right out of the old brain. Eddie? Well, when I had my mama... I was going to say. I don't remember exactly what was said,

but at the end of it, I was like, God damn. This was the first time. Episode 3, I think it is. Or 4. That's 13. Mama damn. This was the first time. Episode three, I think it is. Or four. No, no. That's 13. Mama Kathleen. She was hilarious. Yeah. I got her a little too drunk and she said some fucking horrible shit, which was awesome.

Really took it to the Chinese. Oh, yeah. That was our first racist episode. She broke the barrier for us. She's our Jenny Robinson of racists. And Jackie immediately followed suit. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the whole tragedy.

I mean, my biggest round-tip regret is that Jackie isn't here for this bit. No, Molly, it's good to have you here. Henry, what about you? Hopefully no one remembers that botched 16 candles thing I was trying to do earlier. That was pretty rough. I just really, that's really it. I don't regret these margarita I'm drinking. You were saying earlier you're a sassy guy?

I'm having fun. And he just did the drunk dad reach for the drink and miss. While looking for it. Ghost drink. He's a ghost drink and miss. While looking for it. Ghost drink. He's a ghost drinker to hell. He's pack a bunch. How do girls drink this shit? Anyone over 50 takes a sip of booze.

Oh, my. Like it's the first time they've had it. It's the same way it was yesterday, Dad, when you drank the whole bottle of tequila. Oh, whoa. This is a lot of drinking now. I'm sleepy. And then, Marcus, you ended up informing us that you're actually a total fucking lunatic. Yeah.

A big scary guy. Many, many times I've let loose the dark, dark things that are inside of me. So you are haunted by several ghosts. I'm haunted by many things, many ghosts, mostly frogs. Those are the biggest things. In fact, whenever I eat frog legs now, I hallucinate. One time, I had a frog. Three times, I hallucinated. Once

was a gigantic bullfrog appeared in my room and tried to eat me. It kept flicking its tongue at me, and then it got run over by a 55 Chevy Bel Air. In your room? In my room. The next time, death showed up and was holding a friend of mine,

and the entire room was covered in bottle rockets and Dr. Pepper. I don't really know what that one was about. How often did you eat frog legs? I did it three times, and then I quit. You're just allergic to frog legs. Yeah, but I like to think that it's some sort of mystical punishment. The thing is he tortured the frogs. Yeah, tortured the frogs a lot.

And the third time, the bed was on fire all night. And I kept waking up, and there was a friend of mine that was in the next room. And so he kept getting woken up. He couldn't figure out the sound, but the sound that he woke up to was just like... Me trying to put out the fire on the bed. I thought you said put out the frogs. I don't know. The bed was just on fire.

Shit. And now I've already done another one. Yeah, we just talked about a whole other weird thing that makes you just crazy. Do you have a collection of dead hooker nipples? Yeah, yeah. You used them as suspenders.

Yeah, exactly. That's one of the things. I guess what I regret is that you guys got to know me. Yeah. That's my number one regret as well, now that I think about it. Yeah. All right, that's this episode of The Roundtable. Unbelievable.

Molly Neffel, thank you very much. Thanks for having me. Edward Larson, I'm excited for dog shit. We're going to have a good show tonight, buddy. Yeah, I got to wake up. Marcus Parks, Henry Zebrowski, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, and our chucklehead, we have Ryan Fyke, Daniel Soder, thank you. I'll always be your June Carter. Oh, thank you. I would love

to have talent like Johnny. And then, of course, there's Barry. So thank you, Barry. You are a cute man, and I'll tell you, I love the way that you please the woman. Gotta believe me. It's 2011. I think that's everybody, right? Yeah, it's everybody.

Well, that's this episode's roundtable. We'll talk to you next week. I'll tell you one thing. I am looking forward to it.? Yeah, it's everybody. Well, that's this episode's roundtable. We'll talk to you next week. I'll tell you one thing. I am looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it.