The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 51: The Hangman's Dilemma

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

India’s looking for a hangman and Ben is volunteering! We’re all in agreement that he’s the best for the job. In addition to that, we’ve got number one fan Isadora in the office to provide us with a segment as Holden fucked up and didn’t come up with a good one. Subject: OK Cupid!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You ready to go? Who's praying today? Jackie's praying to the Lord. Ask for your period. Oh, man, dear Lord, you don't have to give me my period.

I'm already bleeding out my holes. Last week, don't worry about it. This week, though, man, I got some fucking other holes for you to clog up. Please, Lord. I'm sweating. Who's sweating with me? I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

Oh, man. Dear Lord, if you could make me sweat like a bird, sweat not at all, sweat maybe none, nothing, that would be great. I sweat all day. I sweat all night. I can't sleep because the only thing I got To keep me warm is the sweat Sweat don't make me cooler

Sweat make me cooled Doesn't do it I hate sweat Please God make me not sweat anymore I don't think it's worth it I'd rather be a lizard If you could make me a lizard I'd have a half tongue and that would be great

Thank you dear lord Amen You never learn how to pray If you could make me a lizard, I'd have a half tongue, and that would be great. Thank you, dear Lord. All right. Amen. You never learn how to pray. I don't know. You told me I have to do a prayer. What am I going to pray for?

I already got everything I want. You're beautiful. You look wonderful. You're majestic. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who is everybody here on this podcast today? We're sweaty, I'll tell you that much. Jackie Zabrowski.

Get your crotch on. Get your crotch on. Oh, man. crotch on! Get your crotch on! Oh, man. Ed Larson, get your crotch off! Yay! Oh, on and off. What's Holden going to say? Dr. Sweat Holden McNeely. Yeah.

Why was that so bad? Not the best one. Was I terrible? Eddie great. I was like the worst. Jackie great. Kevin Barnett sitting next to a sucker duck every Sunday. Sucker duck to come.

I'm Ben Kissel with a special guest in the chuckle hut. Our number one fan in the world is Adora Big Breasted Borgine. Not as big as I'd like to. Well, I'll tell you, I feel the sentiment. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus Parkus, what do you got for us today, my friend? Got Oprah news. Yeah!

Big O news. I love Oprah. Big O. Before we get started with this, I came up with a good Oprah joke this week. You gotta hear it, Eddie. Of course, have to hear it. So did you hear about the new documentary they made, The Dark Crystal? It's about Oprah Winfrey spending two hours in a Swartzy Crystal shop.

I love it. I think that's one of the best jokes I've ever heard. And I'll tell you, that's going to be on a Laffy Taffy wrapper in no time. I mean, that's going to get picked up. You'll be sucking on the Popsicle six months from now. Oh, no, the Popsicle stick. Or the Laffy Taffy jacket. Or on the Snapple top. Or a Snapple fact.

Good job, Ed. It could be put in a whole series of fun places. And it's like, what I get upset about is when people accuse me of watching Ben take the hits from his one ear right before the podcast. That never happened. That never happened, people. I don't understand.

I have no idea what Holden's all upset about. I will say this is the first podcast I've been high on since we've done this podcast. I've never smoked weed before, and I'm doing it tonight. No, no, that's not true. We spent pretty much the first four episodes stoned to balls. Oh, and then a couple episodes back I was high.

And then randomly, yeah. It's kind of throughout. That's how you brought the weed cupcakes. Oh, man. That's right. Which, by the way, was the gayest weed in Star Street. It was a terribly weak weed inside of the cupcake.

Holy Lord. That's the worst way to do it. Might as well just smoke it out of Don's cock, put it in Don's butthole, light it from the tush hole, and try to smoke his dick to get the smoke out of it.

I would have. He was very attractive. Oh, absolutely. I'm not saying he's not an attractive... Don, my brother's boyfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a beefcake

of a 50-year-old man. Anyway, back to Oprah talking about men as well. I am laced on Vicodin. Okay. You're on Vicodin right now? I got a tooth surgery yesterday. Gotcha, gotcha. And then the Adderall.

It's been a druggie weekend for us all. And everyone has been telling me I'm drunk, and I'm stover as a fucking cat. You're stover? Did you get stover this weekend? Glad, I'm glad. I'm Stover as a fucking cat? You're stover? Did you get stover this weekend? I'm glad you could Dly out. People are going to love this episode.

I just already know it. This is one of the best. Is it, Doris, that all you hoped and dreamed it would be? So, uh, this is just us discussing how we can't get to a news story. The story is... Oprah Winfrey. Now that her show is over and done with,

the number one thing she wants to accomplish? Get OJ to confess. Wow. She's going to do it. Why? Because she wants to. She's going to do it. She's Oprah.

She's the only one that can drain the truth out of OJ. That's the ultimate ego boost, isn't it? What is she going to do, though? Where is she going to do this interview? She has no show to do it. She's Oprah. She's the only one that can drain the truth out of OJ. That's the ultimate ego boost, isn't it? What is she going to do, though? Where is she going to do this interview? She has no show to do it on. No, she's going to do it on... She's doing it on Oprah's next chapter, which is set to premiere in January on Oprah Winfrey Network. Bullshit!

So she's got a new show? She's got a new show. It's the same fucking thing. Bullshit. She's got to be all over... She's taking over everything. She's got her own network, Jackie. That's why she left the show in the first place. Yeah, to have her own network. She didn't leave the show to leave television. That was the thing about the going away. It's like, I. She's got her own network, Jackie. That's why she left the show in the first place. To have her own network. She didn't leave the show to leave television. That was the thing about the going away. It's like, I'm going away, but I'm literally owning a network now. I didn't realize that.

I had no idea. It's like she also owns a magazine that she's on the cover of every fucking month. Yeah, she looks good, though. Oh, she doesn't. Oh, she does. I'm so sick of people saying Oprah looks good. Oprah looks fat. Alright, Ed. Why does that automatically mean she's ugly Ed She can still look good

Because fat is beautiful But the thing is Oprah Winfrey is also ugly Yeah that's the thing So she has the face of a man I like that about her Would you fuck Oprah I would not only fuck Oprah I would make sweet love to her toes

I would kiss on her knees Maybe the back of the knees T tickle them a little bit. No, don't go that far. I'd pop zits on her butt. I would love to do anything that Oprah demanded me. What would you do to Oprah, Jackie? No, man, you just, like, fuck her to death and you leave her in a gutter. What is going on with Oprah hate?

No, but I like Oprah. I mean... Oh, I'm sorry. I missed Jackie's version of love. Totally misread it, Jackie. I made it sound like you didn't like her for a second. I'm sorry. I missed Jackie's version of love. Totally misread it, Jackie. I made it sound like you didn't like her for a second. I'm sorry. That's Jackie's way of love.

Her way of love is beautiful. What I was hoping you were going to say, though, Marcus, was that her big thing was she wanted to climb Mount Everest. That would have been fun. That would have made for a badass documentary. And interview O.J. Simpson on the top of it. On the top of it, yeah, yeah. That would be incredible.

Or no, she'd just take some super powerful helicopter up to the top and not even fucking climb the fucker. She'd probably just have Gale climb like 99% of it and then get teleported to the top. And then ride four Sherpas to the top, yeah. You know how she gets OJ to confess? She tells him they could split the money because he can't get in trouble for it because he's already been... That's what I don't understand. He's already in jail. Does it really fucking matter? They should put a knife in his hand and then just put a white woman in the room

that looks just like Nicole Brown and just put a timer for 20 minutes. And when that woman's dead in about 7 minutes just to watch him fight the inner need to kill this woman. That would be a good fucking reality show.

That's a dark one. What Oprah says is I have a dream of OJ Simpson confessing to me. She just wants to fucking Martin Luther King this shit, man. That's the thing. She said I have a dream. Oh, I get it. That dream came immediately after she had

a dream about fucking Gayle. With that sweet, sweet pussy of hers. Yeah. Now I'm feeling it. I feel like Oprah probably tastes like those, you know, the chocolate bits that are in the... No, the ones that taste like an orange. They're in the shape of an orange. Oh, I hate those.

Tangerines. Surprise fruit. I hate surprise fruit. No, I love it. Surprise fruit? Yeah, busted into a chocolate thing. There's a cherry inside of it. Fuck you Surprise fruit. I hate surprise fruit. No, I love it. Surprise fruit? Yeah, bust it into a chocolate thing. There's a cherry inside of it. Fuck you, fruit.

Get out of here. Surprise-ass fruit. I thought I was eating candy. I don't think the fruit is good for you, though, if it's engaged in chocolate and sugary syrup. Good point. Yeah, right? Fruit nonetheless. Ooh, chocolate-covered cherries.

Mmm. Nice. Where did we go? How's that viking going, Eddie? You guys are rubbing feet and shit. Staying in the realm of murder.

This is more attempted murder. A woman in Philadelphia has been arrested for seeking and finding a hitman on Facebook in order to kill her baby daddy. That's just standard practice. This is why Facebook is going out of style, man.

As soon as people start playing hits on it. How do you find a hitman on Facebook? She posted to her profile, I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father. That's gonna get ya. That's a nice discreet way of not getting caught.

I say some fucked up shit just because I think it's funny. I hope I don't get in trouble one day. Like, what if this was just a joke and now she's going to jail? Oh, no. It went further. Oh, okay. Tim Bynum, 18, agreed to carry out the hit for $1,000. You liked the comment first. Yeah. Like.

Sent her a private message that said, say no more. What'd he look like? Where'd he be at? And then he posted a photo of himself with a gun. The future of hiring a hitman is so much funnier than it used to be.

See, that's the thing. I feel like people are saying like, oh man, with Facebook and stuff it's allowing morons to be super stupid. It's really just getting it out's the thing. I feel like people are saying, like, oh, man, like, with Facebook and stuff, it's, like, allowing, like, morons to be, like, super stupid. It's really just getting it out into the open. Now we can just really just locate them way faster and get rid of them, you know? I think we should have some kind of extinction thing with Facebook and idiots, you know? Because it's like, now we can track them. We can track their whereabouts.

We're getting real close to a eugenics conversation here right now. Yeah, that's true. What is eugenics? I don't even know what that means. Yeah, selective breeding in order to breed out. It's a Nazi thing. Oh! Total Nazi.

That's a fucking Nazi thing. I'm not talking about stupid people. I don't care what they look like. As long as they're idiots, they gotta go. I mean, some ideas were fine. Other ideas, no bad. Wasn't that the whole senator thing, though, where he wanted to get rid of, like, handicapped, mentally retarded?

Yeah. He did that. That's where he started with. He started with the retards. Yeah, then he went to the next slowest, which is the Jews. He wasn't the one to come He did that. That's where he started with. He started with the retards. Then he went to the next slowest, which is the Jews. He wasn't the one to come up with that. Damn. That's Ed Larson

you just heard. Please do not confuse with the voices. He is the Jew of the podcast. I feel like it's hot. He's not Jewish. He just wants to be so bad. I want to be in it. I've tried so hard, man. Even though they're inside of you, it doesn't make not Jewish. He just wants to be so bad. I want to be in it. I've tried so hard, man. Even though they're inside of you, it doesn't make you Jewish. That's why I don't get it.

If they're in you for like three straight days, you finally get to say you're Jewish. Which is solid inside of you. They have to be in you the entire time. Rock hard, no moving. It's in a sheet with a hole in it. You were definitely Jewish. You wouldn't last 15 minutes with that Jewish sex, Jackie.

You'd be the worst Jewish wife. Are you kidding me? I will take it and I will like it. You don't take it. I don't know if Jewish men give it, though. I don't know if they're necessarily in there tossing you around, watching horror features or spanking you with large paddles.

I feel like that's what they do. They just kind of dock inside of you like a boat. What you just say sounds like something a dude who beats his wife would say to him? It's sad. Of course, man.

If she deserves it, then like they know inside that they deserve it. No? Too far? No, no. I think it's totally

I've never been hit. I obviously don't deserve it enough. Yeah, that's true. I don't know if that's completely true. Or people are just terrified of everything that you do. Hit me! I will never touch you.

My head would shatter like a glass plated in the floor. There is no way. Plus, we've all forgotten that Ben is in love with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's rekindle that. That means you would hit me, though, right? No, Jackie, this is where everything in your brain about love is wrong. Oh.

Because you're not supposed to be hit when love is involved. Love is supposed to be tender. No one has really ever loved me. I know. I know. They don't happen to hit. I love my girlfriend so much I don't even get hard for her. I just put my flaccid penis inside of her.

That's beautiful. Because I don't want to worry about getting her organs all up in a titter. That's nice. So that's what love is, Jackie. So you'll titter. That's nice. So that's what love is, Jackie. So you'll find it. That's beautiful. You should use that for the vows. Yeah.

If I can get the word titter in there, that would be good. Oh, yeah, no. Titter all over us. Titter's a fun one. I kind of want to, if it happens one day, I kind of want to curse in my vows.

I was thinking about that. I have to. You have to. Like a curse, like I curse you to a thousand years. Yeah, exactly. I think that's what the priest does when he marries you.

I curse you to 50 years of misery. Whoever Jackie marries, he'll be like, I'm going to fuck the rotten out of you. That's beautiful. Hell yeah, man. Make me ripe. That's going to be my vow. Oh, man. You were ripe when you were 12.

Yeah. Oh, fleshy, fleshy girl. Oh, the disgust. Yeah, it's amazing how many times you've managed to make me sick to myself. Week after week. Dude, that's the thing. Just the garden of filth that is your vagina

overgrown Rapunzel with her hair get me out of this terrible tower the vagina is full of raccoon god damn wishing well I know you were saying this the other night but you should be on the view tower. The vagina's full of raccoons. Goddamn wishing well. I know you were saying this the other night, but you should be on the view. You should work at Walmart when people roll quarters down that

cylinder. Just your vagina. How much did you get paid today? Oh, let me shake it out. Ah! Jing, jing, jing, jing! It doesn't go to the Children's Miracle Network at all. It just goes right into her pussy. Oh, yeah.

I was telling Holden last night, I should be on The View. I feel like The View needs this viewpoint of women, right? No, I think... Sure! Yeah, I'm down for it. Everyone needs your view. Yes, you are the funniest woman in comedy. Whoopi isn't doing enough these days.

Now, let's start the petition. I'm starting it right now. All right. Aye! Aye! We gotta put up a Facebook. We gotta put a Facebook petition. I'm starting it right now. Aye! We gotta put a Facebook up that had to kill Joy Behar. And that's what we'll do to get you on there. What was the text?

It was from Henry saying, what? I have no idea why. Henry's not here right now. Why is he not here? I don't know, Jackie. I'm sorry. What's the next news? It's like, yeah, what's new in the news? What's new in the news? A man who

rode two miles on a bicycle to get to his intended victim. Yeah. Knife-wielding, overweight sex offender dropped dead while raping a 77-year-old woman. Eddie, give a description of this asshole. Oh, man, he kind of looks like David Koechner on crack. I thought you were just going to say a description of this asshole. Oh man, he kind of looks like David

Koechner on crack. I thought you were just going to say a pill of Vicodin. Because that's the only thing I can see in your eyes right now. Hello, Eddie. Hello. That's what the Vicodin is. I can tell. You look so glazed right now. You're like a donut over there.

Oh my god. Eddie, what is going on with these Vicodins in your brain? I don't know. You can have the rest of them. I just... Yeah! It's the roundtable giveaway!

Ladies and gentlemen, be one of the first 300 callers to receive free Vicodin edits. Okay, did he know that he was going to rape this specific woman, or did he get off his bike and be like, I'm going to rape that one? No, he picked her out the previous day. That's the interesting voice he used. I'm gonna rape that one. Yeah, he's Corpus Christi Texas. That's true. He picked her out the day

before at the post office. Oh, good. He's a hunter. He's a scavenger. Yeah, man. He's just doing his primal urges. I think it's fine. Thank God Ted Nugent doesn't want to rape, because Ted Nugent doesn't want to rape. Because Ted Nugent would be the greatest rapist of all time. Why is that? He's the greatest hunter of all time.

Is he? Oh, the Nuge is amazing. I know he's a good hunter. I just don't know if he's the greatest. He's winning competitions left and right. He's bringing deer up. Really? I saw a picture of him, two 10-point bucks over his shoulder. I mean, that amount of weight is insane.

He's a very tiny guy. He loves to kill. I saw him open for ZZ Top years ago. It was amazing. Beat the shit out of ZZ Top. ZZ Top was so boring. Nugent had built a fucking, what do you call those? Sandbags?

Like a little bunker. He built a bunker. And then halfway through the show, he had an inflatable Saddam Hussein. A giant inflatable Saddam Hussein come up and he shot it with a bunker. Fantastic. And then halfway through the show, he had inflatable Saddam Hussein, a giant inflatable Saddam Hussein, come up and he shot it with a bow and arrow right on stage. That is so funny. And then he exploded. It was amazing.

And then he climbed the rafters. This is like eight years ago. Right. He's not a young man. He climbed the rafters. The guy's like, get down, get down. He's like, no, Nooch. Don't do it, Nooch. I'm doing it, man. Just singing Stranglehold from the top of the rafters. The guy's like, get down, get down. No, Nooch. Don't do it, Nooch.

I'm doing it, man. Just singing Stranglehold from the top of the rafters. It was amazing. Did he have his raccoon tail on? I couldn't tell. It was real far back. That raccoon tail choice was very controversial. Remember that?

He would just run around with that thing. It was like Super Mario Brothers 2 or 3. Yeah, yeah. Did you see the reality show that he had? Oh, it was great. That show was awesome. That is my favorite reality show that he had oh it was great that show was awesome that is my favorite reality show I've ever seen

where he made the vegetarian carve up the deer I remember that and made her skin it and made her how did he make her do it because she or she's gonna get kicked off the show

yeah wow and so they cast like three or four I think there was like three there was a vegetarian couple is what it was yeah

made them live in tents like made them live in squalor he treated them joe arpaio treats people in arizona oh god but he just like did it for these poor bastards on this reality show and the funniest thing was the girls that were there seeking fame and the dudes and stuff and they just realized immediately this is like nom they're like this is just i'm like legitimately miserable and they had all the activities he made him do were just so humiliating. Human centipede style. It was hilarious. The nooch is

fucking bone sober. He doesn't ever touch anything. Ever. He's just a lunatic. Which makes him so much crazier. Anybody who never does anything their whole life they're all insane. I saw his guitar

instructional video when i was younger it's just like it's like all right now you play this and he's like plays like the solo from stranglehold like 14 minutes and he's like this is when you slap the woman well then you go back to play guitar it goes from him to doing this nasty solo and then straight to him shooting an ak-47 it's like like, no, it makes no sense. Marcus, any other news stories going out there? Yeah, we got a couple other things. India can't find a hangman. Out of 1.2 billion people,

nobody wants to take the job of hangman. Wow. Wow. In India? In India. I would be a hangman in a heartbeat. What about one of the guys who owns a brothel full of 8-year a heartbeat. What about one of the guys who owns a brothel full of eight-year-olds? What about those guys?

They're like, you'll own that, but you won't be a hangman? First of all, what good businessman has a brothel of eight-year-olds? Have you ever seen

Born in the Brothels? Very popular movie. It's funny because I feel like you get the rated system. You've got five stars. You're like, oh, people really accept this as a form of human behavior.

Five stars. They really love this movie. They love brothels. It was tough. It won the Academy Award for Best Documentary. It was very sad. I fell asleep. I don't know what happened to me.

So the movie sucked. You fell asleep. It was sad. I fall asleep during anything. To be fair, he was all fucked up on Vicodin then. It's just such a telltale side, and I have it as well, of just terrible abusive memories as a child. As soon as I see something sad, I fall asleep as well.

It's comforting as a teat. It's just like, oh, I'm sad. I must be at home. Yeah, I do the same. That's how I relax, is I watch horribly depressing things. Yeah, me too. I mean, Dear Zachary is my comedy of the year. Oh, I love it.

I love it. What is wrong with us? Dear Zachary is my comedy of the year. I love it. What is wrong with us? I feel like there's some kind of fucked up person that that is such a legitimate way to get your fucking psychopath out is to be a hangman.

You can strap someone in. Ben is interested, right? I think this job is one of the most underrated jobs of all time. You get to be on stage. You get to kill someone. You get stage time. See, you do material. You do a tight tin before the hangman. You couldn to kill someone. You get stage time. See, you do material. You do a tight tin before the hangin'.

Well, you couldn't get the rap career off the ground. And what better gift can you give somebody? The gift of death. Their last ten minutes of life, give them your rap song that you created for them. Oh, yeah. And so that's what I would do. I would give my raps or my comedies or whatever scrolls that I made that evening. Oh, those scrolls. You're that evening. Oh, the scrolls.

You're the master scrollsmith. Well, Heyman must write on scrolls because they're deeper than they seem. Would you wear the black hood and everything? Totally go just... I would wear a different sort of drag look every day. You'd just dress like a woman? Yeah, I'd dress as a woman.

Big old tittays. That sounds like the fucking worst way to die yeah bro no i mean i don't want to make it like easier on him but i want them to just be like what the fuck and then like die yeah yeah so it's like death is a little bit easier because they're like if this is the way society is going they won't even know it's death because they're just so confused by you right they're about to die and then they're just dead and it's actually very nice thing you're doing. Thank you. And the audience really enjoys it. Let's go through this here.

I want to make sure I have this straight. If you're a hangman, you show up on stage... On time as well because I'm professional. You show up on stage dressed as a woman. Dressed as Jaquita Banana, I believe, is how you... Well, on Tuesday.

Yeah, Banana Tuesdays. And then you do ten minutes of rap. Ten minutes of rap, whatever I was working on. But yeah, I'm kind of in a rap phase now. I'm not going to do it now because it's best for the stage. Oh, good. And then what do you do as your big finale before you pull the lever? The finale is the lever

you know that's where you get them all chanting going crazy lever lever lever lever lever lever like what do you want what do you want lever lever give him the lever and sure enough when I give it I get my standing ovation the guy goes down

he dies and my ultimate joy in life is his matched with his demise. And it's a beautiful duality of life. That's a great dream, man. I'm really proud of you. Thank you. In India, there is a state called Uttar Pradesh, which is known for its

hangmen. One had hanged the assassins of Indira Gandhi, but he died several years ago. Another had a broken arm, so he can't do it. A third died... He was only out for a couple weeks. Well, apparently it was a fucking career-ending

injury on this guy. And a third died on May 19th, but it looks like that his son is going to be joining the family business. The officials are fast-tracking Pawan Kumar's application considering the need. The Times notes that India is famous for bureaucratic delays

and long lists of rules. Can't we just get a hangout? One thing I know about India, lots of rules. Lots of rules. So I feel like they found their man. It'll be like Luke Russert there on MSNBC, taking over for his old pops. This is fantastic.

I'm not quite sure. I don't know if I'm playing dumb here, but does the hangman actually tie the person up because they put the hood over? The hangman takes care of all of it. Once you're in the hangman's hands, you're dead. All he does is set you up.

Remember that Saddam Hussein hanging video? That was the first hanging I've ever seen. Did you watch it? Can we get a play-by-play? I never saw it. It was completely insane. Hanging seems to...

I mean, what are they hanging people for in India, by the way? I don't even know what the laws are. Anything. Really, here's what's funny is that capital punishment is used very rarely in India. Really? Well, it's good because hanging is pretty bad, right? It's not a good time. I mean, it's better than electric.

Is it? Is it? Hold on. Which one are you choosing? It's firing range, hanging, electric chair, or lethal injection. Hold on. It's a good segment. God damn it.

We've already done this segment before, but we can go through it again. It does not count as your segment, by the way. I know, right? Okay, I would say I would want to do a little more research, but it sounds like the hanging's probably going to be the best way to go. Oh, no. What was the first option? Hanging's terrible.

It takes you a long time to die. No, the shooting is the one. What about the lethal injection? Lethal injection? Because it hurts for, like, a half a second, but then it's, man, you are going to fucking die. Firing squad. You will die. No, the shooting is the one. What about the lethal injection? Because it hurts for half a second, but that is, man, you are going to fucking die. Firing squad. You will die. Sometimes that gets fucked up. Firing squad, for sure.

Well, either way, what I want to do is I want to dig my own grave like a barrel, a gun barrel to my head. I want to dig my own grave and have them shoot me and it'll just fall back into the grave. So you're going to do it like war crime stuff? I'm going to make up for my Nazi grandfather and die like a Jew in 1943.

That's what I'm going to do. That's what I do here. Thank you, Ed. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Thanks for welcoming me. Eddie, you want to give a play-by-play

on this hanging video? All right. So Saddam, he's sitting up there. He's mumbling something. We're looking at the stairs. I guess he's great. Cell phone, cell phone's mumbling something. We're looking at the stairs. His head is a pillow. Cell phone, cell phone camera. Look at the stairs.

Look at the stairs. Cell phone camera should only be used for upstairs. It's like an art film. How do you shot to death in a bunker? He's got, now he's saying something. It's not in English. He's looking, he looks sad. Pretty sure he's saying, fuck, fuck me.

And now, oh, and they don't put the hood on him yet. He's a real Bob Uther. Here comes the noose. Here comes the noose. Good noose. And the noose is good. This is a wrap. All right.

He's got a big gray beard. I'm surprised they didn't let him shave before this. That's a good knot, man. And tell you what, the amount of people that Saddam killed, he really had this coming to him. This is a serious crime. Here we go. And he is, let's fast forward a little bit, Marcus. Let's get right to the death here.

I'm getting a little bored. This is kind of snoozeville right now. And, oh, there's his headless body. Oh, yeah, he's dead. Now he's dead. Boom. Oh, you missed it. You missed it.

All right, all right. We got to go back. We watched the whole thing. Got to go back. All right. And... No more. No more war.

Good play-by-play, Eddie. That was beautiful. What was the boom? What did you miss? Oh, no, we skipped the head. Wait, his head came apart from his body? No, it didn't. They showed his face

after he died, too. Puffy. I mean, that's the thing. We all die fat, don't we? Puffy. Get rid of it. Either way, that Saddam hanging was pretty awesome. Well, I hope India is able to find the hangman of their dreams, and I hope he wins hangman of the year. Oh, man, I bet he pretty awesome. Well, I hope India is able to find the hangman of their dreams,

and I hope he wins hangman of the year. Oh, man, I bet he's big. He's got to be big, right? Well, I don't know. He's from India. As big as Indians can get. They're not big people. He's not big, but he levitates four inches off the ground,

which is pretty cool. That's the thing, yeah. Most Indian people can stretch their arms and legs out at least eight feet. Yeah. We all learned that in 1990. Holden! The NBA's got to get a hold of one of those. We got a segment from Holden McNeely here.

We're that far into the show already? We're that far into the show? I'm only two beers in. I don't know what happened. Well, then keep chugging, puggers. Just drink harder, then. We're done. We're usually like four beers by now.

I mean, what's up? Happy Monday. It's hot. It's Father's Day, everybody. Happy Father's Day. I fucking cut that shit out, man. KB, did you call your father today? I tried, man.

I didn't ask him. Did not answer the phone on Father's Day. He's a humble man. Yeah, yeah. He ain't worried about it. That's great. Or maybe your mother was just like, it's not your day. Fuck your Father's Day.

And she made him go do some gay ass shit. Did you call your dad, Ben? I did. He no longer has any... He's got six things... Every time you call your parents, it's always like, how's your back? And it's never good. And you just realize that aging sucks. My father has six

vertebrae there in the back that are just rubbing bone on bone. And now they're officially rubbing on the spinal cord. So that's what I know. My father has six vertebrae there in the back that are just rubbing bone on bone. And now they're officially rubbing on the spinal cord. So that's what I know. What I found out today, fire. Your parents had a fire? No, the ranch is on fire.

Dad's been fighting a fire all day long. Really? Son, get back to help your father. You need to hop on a horse immediately. Seriously, this is... How does he fight a fire on his ranch, by the way? Oh, he's got a big tank. God, that's so badass. Right?

God damn it. Is there a drought right now or something? Oh, the worst drought we've ever seen. Really? Most of West Texas is on fire almost constantly. Hence all the raping. Yeah. Hence.

I mean, that's Corpus Christi. That's South Texas. Actually, raping's in the woods is what started the fire. You're going inside of a lady these days, and they got a big old bush in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, especially their ladies' bushes. Is there a Father's Day in Mexico?

Yes. Yes? Did you call your father? I did, but he was at the gym. Is it called Padre's Day? Yeah. Day is also in Spanish. Dia de los Padres. Dia de Padres? Dia del Padre's Day? Yeah. Day is also in Spanish. Dia de los Padres.

Dia de Padre. Dia del Padre. Dia de Padre Day. Yes, absolutely. It's important to say the day again. The day. That's how I know what it means. So the segment today, because it is Father's Day,

what's the most shit face you've ever gotten on the round table? It's like we talk about it all the time. Hold it. The segment is... I ran over the segment I did with you before the show. I lied to him outside. It's a bad segment, right? I'll talk about it.

Okay, talk about it. That's crazy. Just tell me you didn't want to do it then. All right, well then, okay. Fuck, we're fucked then, Jackie. I was just kidding. Oh my God, he's so sensitive these days. I mean, the segment should be better.

Oh, no. What's the most fucked up you've ever been? I don't remember! Because that's how you know you're the most fucked up. Tell us about something you actually do remember. I hit a car, drove to South Dakota, smoked crack in Minnesota, got home, that's it.

A to B to South Dakota, smoked crack in Minnesota, got home. Yeah, it's interesting shit. A to B to C to D to crack to home to up to work. Wait, you've smoked crack? All the time. Really? No, that's not true. Have you really ever smoked crack? Yes.

Wow. I got crack from Minnesota. They tried to sell it to me. The guy took it out of his tooth. I put it right back into my mouth. Took it out of his tooth? Never buy anything out of another dude's mouth. He was black.

Good answer. That's the thing. It's like getting insurance from a Jewish fellow is the same thing as getting crack from a black guy. That's where you go. That's the dude you want to go to the most. Yeah, but not out of his mouth. No, I understand. But I mean, legit.

I was like, cool. And I was fat. And I was like fucking sweating. I understand, but I mean, legit. I was like, cool, and I was fat, and I was fucking sweating. I'm prayed for no sweat. Jesus Christ. Either way, you're fucking Vicodin'd out right now, Ed. I'm feeling all right. You look good.

Thank you. That's what I said. We've heard this story before five different times. What's that? That story. I know, Isadora. Thank you. I never remember it.

Not as part of that segment, though. No one remembers the stories that any of us tells Isadora, can you come up with a segment Isadora, can you tell us your favorite round table memories Isadora has listened to every single podcast That we've ever done Have you listened to all of them? Yeah, and I heard like the First ten twice

Because I was going to be on the half, the 25th or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't call me. I didn't call. You told me that she couldn't do it. No, she couldn't do one of them and then I was going to call her again next week and then I forgot. We all agree. Ed is a total schmuck. So what is

one of your favorite memories? What's your favorite memories of the show? I want to know what happened to OkCupid on the round table. Oh, interesting. I know Holden closed his account because I was trying to look for him. But, yeah, I heard like

someone else. Just grease. State of grease. Well, Marcus, you got back on for a second, but then you got back off. Oh, I'm back on again. You're back on? Man's got to eat. Oh, that is disgusting.

You fucking sleazebag. This is going crazy. I've never seen a man so charged as I did on Friday night. I mean, it was visceral. I have never seen you that mad. God, you were angry about pussy. I've never seen such. All over the place.

Very upset. I was pretty mad on Friday. It's been like three months, dude. What happened on Friday? I'm not going to talk about it. Well, then we shouldn't be talking about it. What about on OkCupid? Have you been going to...

I've got like two dates this week. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going to fuck them? I hope so. Are these like slammy dates or are these just sort of like maybe we'll see about something? I have no idea. Slam them.

I don't even give a shit anymore. Slam them. I don't even give a shit anymore. Slam them. After I got so mad on Friday, I just like fucking, ah, fuck it. You got to get rid of that anger, man. I got rid of it. You got to fuck it out, man. I know. That's the thing.

That's why I'm so fucking. You beat off it out. You beat off it out. No, no. You definitely beat off it out. That does not help at all. I'm so worried about the next girl that gets next to your dick. I know, man.

It's going to be devastating. I does not help at all. I'm so worried about the next girl that gets next to your dick. I know, man. It's going to be devastating. I feel so bad for her. That's the best part about OkCupid. She's got to get a mouthpiece. You never have to talk to him ever again. She's looking like Dirk Nowinski. Jackie, are you still on OkCupid or are you off? Well, the thing is that I'm not on it anymore, but I didn't cancel my account.

I just deactivated my account. I don't get messages anymore, but I do still get messages from JDate all the time. And just random letters full of jism. Oh, no, I told you. That's what I said. I said I'm willing to convert. But I still get the JDate messages all the time. Oh, right.

That's a great update. Yeah. Isadora, any other questions? What about the three other dudes here? I've never done it. Oh, no. We never did it. I'm on it, but I just don't really fucking deal with it. You got too lazy for it.

Isadora, I mean... That's the thing. Kevin's not really on it. It's a pain in the ass. What's your experience? What's your deal with it? Have you had successful dates? Has it been good?

Yeah, yeah. I hooked up with a guy in college and it was great. It was the best two weeks. Did he tie you to a bed and make you watch House of a Thousand Corpses? No. You weren't looking hard enough.

No, yeah. I think she wasn't looking easy enough. So it was a fine time for you? Total southern gentleman. Boring. Anything else you can think of, Isidore? Any other loose ends that we haven't talked about in a minute? Well, okay, so three people who are not on OkCupid,

what would you do if you were? What would you look for? I wouldn't do it. I just don't want to do it. I want to meet a person before I go out with them that's the thing and pictures are never accurate because they're like weird little looking things and i'll tell you it also takes effort yeah it takes a lot more i have it takes no effort i have no more it takes no effort for you jackie because literally on your site it says looking to hook up just a gal looking to

hook up I never wrote that yeah you fucking did no I did I read your thing it was pretty much you should have just done the emoticon of the legs wide open oh I wish they had that I would have used it no it's only for fucking I feel like that's all OkCupid is for you for you yeah

there's some people out there looking for a beautiful meeting then go on Match.com. Then look and pay for it. That's what I think. You should pay for it if you're going to look for a meaningful relationship. Because that's all you're going to do anyway. You're just going to fucking pay the money.

You're going to pay the money for her to love you. See, this is just the tainted view. She's right about that, though. I'll tell you that much. She's got love in the eyes. The money I've spent for absolutely nothing. Good lord. That makes Dick so upset.

See, for me, it's time. That's what gets me so upset. Whenever you put in the time. I don't put in either of those, man. Not a bitch has ever received a free dinner from me, and I'm very proud of that. This is the thing. You never bought dinner for a girl?

It is astonishing dinner for me and I'm very proud of that. This is the thing. You've never bought dinner for a girl? Never. It is astonishing how women love Kevin Barnett. Because he is flavorful. Flavorful? That is the most, that is the colored boy I believe. No, it's not. It's just like

That's what women's pussies do. They're like a Hoover vacuum when they see him. Oh yeah, man. It's just like, zah! That's what women's pussies do. They're like a Hoover vacuum when they see them. Oh, yeah, man. It's amazing how many women just... When we did the last KBBK, and we were doing the strength competition, and obviously, I am so lovable, I'm so likable. We're doing an arm wrestling competition.

No one was rooting for you. No one rooting for me. Hey, I was on your side. Thank you, Marcus. Whites! Yeah! I'm on his side. Thank you, Marcus. Whites! Yeah! I'm on his side. I just don't understand. Marcus and I have an understanding.

We have spoken in a locked room. You mean a bunker? Because that's what a bunker is called. That's where you say racist things. In a bunker. Secret meeting. They love Kevin.

Everyone just loves Kevin. Yeah. You're on the top of the game, and you never have to buy anybody anything for the rest of your life. Yeah, man. It's amazing. He makes me sweat. What?

Jesus, Jackie. Like the sun. He makes you sweat. Oh, yeah, it's true. Cheese sandwich makes you sweat. Yeah. This Trident gum really making me sweat. As long as there's mayo on it, it'll always make me sweat.

There has to be mayo on it. I'm going to make a correction to the last five minutes of round two. Man, where the fuck's Mel at? Uh, she got a job. She quit? Our intern got a job? No, she didn't quit, but she got a job, so she wasn't able to come out.

That fucking bitch. Yeah. Apparently you can't live on $50 a week in the city. This is bullshit. You can take a horse to water, but God knows. Not if you're on OkCupid, man. You can fucking get free dinner after free dinner. She's on OkCupid as well. KB's taking it.

She's on the Cupid, yeah. She's on the Cupid? She's in the Frisbee section? Yeah. Well, Mel, our number one intern, we loved you so much. And I miss looking at you, because you were always so nice in the frisbee section Well Mel, our number one intern We loved you so much And I miss looking at you Because you were always so nice in the corner And I think we've got to wrap it up here

Isadora, any other questions As number one superfan that you can think of That other fans want answered I don't know any other fans Alright, well this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen It's a fantastic podcast. It's really growing every day. Thousands of people seem to like it. For Jackie

Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks, Holden McNally, Kevin Barnett, Isadora, thank you so much for being here. I'm Ben Kissel, and I'll tell you, we'll talk to you next week. I am looking forward to it. RIP Clarence. Oh, RIP Clarence. Yeah. That's a saxophone.