The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 52: The Episode That Dare Not Speak It's Name

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

We’re all gettin’ gay married today on the Round Table! Tune in to hear us talk about the biggest story of the week plus our trademark small fries, such as a Russian woman dying at her own funeral and a man hiding in the tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival just for kicks.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? He's so strong. In the name of the Father and the Son

and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Amen. Dear God, thank you for gay people. Yeah. I really appreciate it. Now, they can finally get married in your name. What do you think about that? Somewhere in the Bible

it says that if any man that sleeps with another man shall be put to death or something like that. It does not say that. In some versions of the Bible it says their dicks will get ripped off. It says something like that. My friend used it as an argument against me knowing gay

people once. And I want to say, God, you got to take it back. The law tells you you have to in the state of New York. Hell yeah. So don't fucking hate them no more, God. You can't stop it. They're going to start fucking in the streets. So what are you going to do then?

Yeah. You're going to watch like the rest of us. You're supposed to ask him for something. Pretty soon. God, I want you, if you could, I want you to watch two gay men fucking jerk off to it. That's what I want you to do for me, God. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Amen. Welcome to the clownown Table of Gentlemen. It's a wild, wacky episode full of goofs and spooks and wild things you never wanted to hear before. Who's on the program? Jackie Zebrowski. Honk, honk. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely.

Nice knockers. Kevin Barnett. That's it. And I'm Ben Gizzo with us in the chuckle hut, the old chuckle slut himself, Michael Racine. Hello, eager beaver. How are you guys? You should have seen him trying to bite the microphone, you little eager beaver. Oh, how many times can he say it? It's not wood.

It's a microphone. How many times can he say it? It's not wood. It's a microphone. I feel like we decided to do the roundtable at 630 on Sundays that we would be the least inebriated possible, and it's not working. I'm fine. It's just not working.

I'm great. I'm just a beer and a shot in. I'm actually doing normal as fuck. You're doing great, Ed. I am. I'm doing great. Better than that eager beaver over there, Mike Racine. With us as always, the newsman, Marcus Parks.

Marcus, what do you got for us today, my friend? I mean, God knows you got the news. I got something. A Utah man spent 16 hours holding a woman hostage in a motel room over the weekend and made at least a dozen new Facebook friends at the same time. Wow. That's nice. Multi-tasking in 2011.

See, that's networking Jason Valdez 36 kept his Facebook page updated throughout the arm standoff with the police yeah but did he rape her didn't he did you job Jackie you got one in under the river yeah she was it he decided piddling with her battles but why did he rape her, though? No, no, no. He was just... Was he just piddling with her biddles? But why did he take her hostage? It doesn't actually say. They don't really get to that detail. Mostly they just, you know, focus... Talk about Facebook.

Talk about Facebook, yeah. Can you just... Yes, you just... People do that. They just take hostages for no fucking reason. It's not like to get out of a bank or something like that. Yeah, I wonder what that woman did. We're seeing if you were going to...

Actually, I will say yeah, he did post a picture of himself with the hostage. How does it look? Eddie, can you describe how the picture looks, please? She actually doesn't look upset about being a hostage at all. She's probably mostly upset about being a super 8. She's just happy, man.

She's blowing up on Facebook all day. She's not pretty, but she ain't ugly either. I mean, fuck her. I'm surprised there's two Puerto Ricans in Utah. Yeah, that's a good point, Mike. You can't let them in. Look what they do. Devastating.

All right, we let two of you in and you took each other hostage. No more. No more Puerto Ricans allowed. No, we're just a married couple So Eddie, how do you describe the picture? You think she's pretty high? You like her? She's alright

I wouldn't punch her But you know Can you rate the tits? 1 to 5 I can't see them But I'm guessing she's got 2's It looks like she's got The flat floppies You know all those It looks like she's got the flat floppies.

It looks like she spent the entire hostage time waxing herself. Oh, she sounds very attractive. She's got some strict eyebrows, I'll tell you that much. Did he just hijack a dolphin? Sounds pretty fun. They're always waxed. Racine, if you were going to take one gal hostage, who are you taking? What's the race? What's the bosom size?

How's the buttocks? she smell um she she doesn't she smells and then i make her shower and i clean her up and i make her a better person i feel like when you make a girl's shower she comes out smelling far worse i take her hostage for about 18 hours but i give her an extreme makeover and uh and then i send her off into the world. And make her walk with books on her head so she walks classier. I'm like Michael Caine in Miss Congeniality. You're nice. Well, that sounds fantastic.

This guy seems to be doing a great job getting the gals. I haven't been on a date for 16 hours in my entire life. Turns out all you've got to do is hold them hostage in a hotel room. Now, did they have a relationship before he took her hostage? See, there are no details on this. Actually, this story kind of sucks. The Daily News did a real bad job with this one. Oh, really?

The Daily News did a bad job? That's astonishing. First of all, though, what do you want? Gum costs 25 cents. The Daily News is one quarter more than gum. I don't know. I just think it's amazing that he would choose to spend 16 hours alone with a woman. I mean, that alone is mind-bending.

They're a terrible breed of gal. Well, he got to tie her up and put a fucking muzzle on her. Oh, did he muzzle her? Sure. She's a hostage. Oh, that's kind of funny. What's the point of taking a hostage if you can't put a muzzle on her? Yeah, exactly.

I jammed a tube sock in a woman's mouth once. It was very fantastic. Was it a worn tube sock or was it clean? Well, I took it off my foot. Tell you that much. Nonetheless, she was super into it. How much did she weigh? What's that?

What was her weight? In pounds or in like whale? She's a half a whale. Half a whale. Are you talking blue whale or sperm whale? Sperm whale. When I was done with her.

God knows. I only have sex with whites. So she wasn't blue. Either way. No, she looked cute. What were you going to say, Jax? Oh, nothing. I was just daydreaming. You were daydreaming about me hog-tying you up with a couple of socks?

You know if you take a knee-high sock and you tie it around a cat's stomach, it falls over? Isn't that something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't stand up. It just falls right the fuck over. Why is it typically a knee-high sock, though, man? Any long sock, or a tie, anything like that. A belt, rope, wire.

Yeah, you tie it around its waist. It can't handle it. It just falls right on its side. Go try it at home, kids. KB, you ever jam anything in a chick's throat or in her mouth? You ever hold her down? Because that's the thing. Women really enjoy it.

I tied one gal her arms. I tied them behind her back with her own panties then... Because that's the thing. Women really enjoy it. I tied one gal, her arms, I tied them behind her back with her own panties. I'll tell you one thing. Got a couple of wraps around those wrists. God knows. Could have gone to the moon and back with those. Big old panties. She got a big old fat ace.

But nonetheless, Kevin, you ever done that? Tie a girl up with anything that she was wearing? Tampons, something like that? Nah, man, I don't do that. Tampons aren't long enough. Come on. What type of video are you fucking with? Tie a dozen tampons together and then tie her up with that

tampon rope that you used. Or maybe he really thinks women are squirrels. And that's what he's tying up inside of his bed. God damn. Oh, is that why? The claws? He's got so many nuts in his room. They had those acorns in their mouth. Oh, is that why? The claws? He's got so many nuts in his room. They had all those acorns in their mouth. Oh, God knows.

No, either way, gay marriage has passed, so we're all very, very happy. And there'll be a lot more nuts and a lot more mouths. I'm very happy to live in a world that a nice, friendly gay man can also get married as well as you, Ben. Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing, Kevin. It doesn't make sense for you. I'll tell you one thing, Kevin. Check out this new ditty I found out. Hey, you guys heard? Gays are allowed to divorce now. Kind of a funny joke, though. Kind of a funny joke. It's just sort of a part of the law.

If they can get married, they can get divorced. Nonetheless, I thought it was pretty good. You want to take ten minutes, go for a walk, come back? Just refresh yourself, man. Maybe refresh your mind. I thought it was a fine joke. I blame Ed. Ben, we just want you to do better.

Gays are allowed to divorce now. Was that good? Was it good the second time? You understand it, right? You get the joke. How many of you guys got proposed to yesterday? I got proposed to twice yesterday by women. Who proposed to you?

What did they look like? Were they buxom? Were they beautiful? Were they large? This one girl comes into my work all the time who very obviously has a crush on me because she thinks I look like that Latina stripper in Robert Rodriguez's The Grindhouse movie. What's the one I'm talking about that she did with Planet Terror?

I think so, yeah. The one with the leg gun? Yeah, yeah. The stripper in it. Rose McGowan? No, not Rose McGowan. The Latina girl in that one. She says I look like her.

Well, you don't. I don't at all. She says I look like her and then she said yesterday, she's like, if we got married, would I be able to get free coffee at your work? And I was like, yeah, probably if we got married. And so she asked me if I would marry her and I had to politely decline.

This is a lesbian couple that comes... Fuck, she sounds so whack. She's very jaded. It's just amazing that lesbians lie to women the same way that straight men lie to women. Of course, yeah. You look nothing like the stripper. No, I'm also not Latina. That's probably why I get along with lesbians so well. That's why

lesbians like me so much. There's a lesbian couple that comes into your job pretty often. I always see them there, and the one is tall and gorgeous, and the other one, not so much. There's a lesbian couple that comes into your job pretty often. I always see them there. And the one is, like, tall and gorgeous. And the other one, not so much. Sounds like you're just describing Holden and I when we walk in. That woman is the sexiest woman I've ever met in my entire life. I know. That girl is so hot.

The one you're describing. I know exactly who she is. And her girlfriend looks like one of the Hardy Boys. Oh, yeah. No, I know exactly who you're talking about. That's the blue stove. Her girlfriend looks like she's about to solve a mystery somewhere. They're both writers together and they're both in grad school together

and they just make sweet, passionate love to each other. They love each other, Mike. It's beautiful and it's pure. It's better for one of them than it is for the other. It's always good for every relationship to have one fat person and one skinny person. Yeah, exactly. At least to anyone I've been in. No, Harry Belafonte got it right. I feel like it's more unnatural when lesbians have sex Yeah, exactly. At least to anyone I've been in. No, Harry Belafonte got it right. Harry and everyone.

I feel like it's more unnatural when lesbians have sex than it is when gay men have sex because the male body does have the anus, which can receive the penis. The female body has nothing to penetrate anything. How do they even feel? Scissoring doesn't work. Scissoring does not work. Have you tried scissoring, Jackie? Yes, I have. And people say...

Maybe you just weren't into it. No, no, no. I think I just was too fat. Wouldn't that make it better? I really was. You know that scissoring isn't just buying a half pound of roast beef. How was the other girl? Did she have fun? Yeah. I mean, I make girls have a lot of fun. How many

lesbian experiences have you had, Jackie? It's Gay Pride Week! How many? I have had five lesbian parties. Five? But that was It's Gay Pride Week! How many? I have had five lesbian partners. Five? But that was like just two. I feel like one was with Ed. Yeah. What was your favorite experience

and why as far as... Well, they all love me so much. That's why I do it in the first place. I've got someone that's just like, you're so sexy. I'm like, alright, sure, of course I'm going to try it, even though I'm not into your gender. So they start with the touching. They're very much better at good

kissing. Very good at kissing. All women. Women are good at kissing. They're really good at kissing. Soft mouths. They get strap ons, and they screw with the strap ons. Have you ever done it with a fake dong? Yes. It's not the same, though. You don't have the throb. I need the throb.

I need the good. You gotta feel it pulse inside of you? I need to feel the warmth inside of me. Did you see that movie, The Kids Are Alright? With Julianne Moore and Annette Bening play lesbian couples. The kids were rich as fuck and they were amazing. Yeah. They were great.

That movie was just like, let's see how fucking liberal we can get. Just everything. The interracial relationship with the girl. It was a little annoying. I know. Next thing you know, they're going to be ordering dessert before the entree. Asshole. Is that the point?

No. I thought that was the point. The point was when they watch porn, they watch gay guys fucking. But that doesn't even make any sense because they need to see penetration. But then why not just watch regular porn? Right. Because at least there's one pussy involved in that. Exactly, yeah.

At least you get to see titties, which is what you like. Ass and titties, man. Do lesbians like gay porn? Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, I remember. I'm not a lesbian. But as a lesbian. Do you like to watch

just two guys just get in there and get poopy? I mean, because we'll talk to Kevin after this to point-counterpoint. Of course I do. Yeah, no, I mean, I like that as a heterosexual woman. So you just want to jack off to two dudes fucking each other? I will watch any porn that you show me. Have you before?

You know this is the middle manager at Target that will fire you for not being pretty. What are you talking about? Gay men are the worst to women. No, that's not true at all. I was a bad guy all through high school. They're great to women. They think I am wonderful. You know, I don't have any sleeves on any of my t-shirts

so they know that I am one of their kin. Would they beat off in front of you and suck each other's dicks and stuff? No, no, no. I've tried to sleep with gay men before though. It never works. Too soft? Yeah, you try to fold it up inside of you but you can't do it. Like a target shirt?

I have to admit I was Last This actually Friday night I was too drunk to fuck It's so upsetting It really It's so upsetting It gets so tough

And then there's a moment When you like Kind of get it in And you're like Maybe it'll just Magically harden Once you slide A little bit

And it never hardens Never And then you're just like Ugh Now it's even worse And she's like Is it me Is it me

And I'm just like Ah that's terrible Now I'm fucking freaking I'm just like It's what I call The left right It's like The dick it me? Is it me? And I'm just like, ah, that's terrible. Now I'm fucking freaking out. It's what I call the left-right. The dick never quite goes in. It just sort of goes off to the side.

It makes a flooping. Has that ever happened to you, Kevin? You ever get that big monster in there? I'm fucking drunk, man. You've been that drunk. I'm usually too whack to be having sex with anybody. He falls on the stairs before he can get... I'll get drunk and be talking to girls and just leave.

I'll just go home. I do that all the time. That's why I feel like it's easier for girls to probably cheat on guys. Not that I know anything about this, but they just have a hole. So if I was fucking another girl, I probably couldn't get hard, right? But they just have to lie there and open the hole up. It's a tough hole to open, though. Just present the hole. Well, it's gotta get

moist, too. There is lube, yeah. I don't understand how girls need lube. Like, I feel like there are a lot of girls who are like, oh, but yeah, but I'm drunk, though. I can't get all wet. Aren't you wet all the time? Every girl is different.

So you just walk around just dripping. I'm always ready to have sex. I feel like your labia... Now, if you're my girlfriend, you need lube for some reason. Really? I feel like Jackie's labia is like, what do you call that? Crazy crocodile swamp. You remember that?

When the crocodile you had to go through? And that's your labia. Yeah, alligator alley. Alligator alley. Crocodile mile. Crocodile mile. That's just, that is what your labia is.

So every time, it is just, it's just a swamp. Little boys fucking shooting right in, never see them again. Just a bunch of fat uncles

in the inner tubes just coming out of your pussy being like, that was a good ride. That was a fun ride. I enjoyed that. Did you like it? I loved it.

Nonetheless, you are very attractive, Jackie, and I just love to think about you. Just in one way, Ben. You guys ever use the lubes? I have never been erect inside of a woman because I am polite. And I don't believe that you need

to go in there all aggressive and hard and it's like, oh, the army is there. The army is in you. You know what? My army is fucking having a great turkey dinner inside of my bosoms. It doesn't need to go to my cock right now. So I've had a good time with a lot of ladies. They seem to really enjoy me.

Good for you. Beautiful, Ben. Thank you. I don't think you even answered my question. No, I always keep a bottle of lube right next to the bed. I always have a bottle of lube. Do you use wet? What's that? I used to have the wet.

No, I use liquid silk. Liquid silk. Great stuff. I mean, maybe she doesn't love you anymore. What are you going to do, not fuck her? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it was with my last relationship.

Using lube, I used to call it heating shit up in the microwave instead of the oven. Just get it faster and get out of there. I'll tell you what, it makes me bonkers, too. I go nuts. But it'll give you cancer. No. Like the microwave.

No, my point was... Like the microwave, you'll get cancer from the lube. I feel like every time I have sex, my dick is going on a vision quest through the Mojave Desert. It's just so sad and dry. But it comes out nice and tan. It's just funny to think of a penis wandering through a desert.

Yeah, it's a good thought. Kevin, you ever had a woman not really, really want that big black flong of yours? Have you ever had a woman scream, you're too black! Too black! Love the size of your dick. Like your personality. Too black. It was dark in the bar. I didn't know you were this black.

I literally thought the lighting was terrible. I thought you were just a white guy in blackface. Well, that's bad, Mike. Take it easy. He's one of ours, Mike. Yeah, man, I'm trying to stay out of the sun and stuff, man. It's tough, man. Struggle.

But no, no. No, man, I think it's great. If you're going to be black You should be black Be black as fuck Everybody's happy being where they're at I'm happy where I'm at I'm red

I'm more red than anything Non-Indian red You're a white person I'm red I'm angry When Jackie looks at herself in the mirror She sees herself covered in blood You're white. You're a white person. I'm red. I'm red. I'm angry. See, this is the thing. When Jackie looks at herself in the mirror, she sees herself covered in blood. And it's like a mental thing she's working through right now.

I just wish. I just wish for it every day. Yeah, she usually sees herself covered in blood after some amazing sex. I would imagine that's the case. Hello, butt blood. Everyone loves it. Use the shiv sometimes. Tiny cuts.

That's the way to use little mans. If you just cut at them a little bit. That was the OkCupid profile name that you went out with, sometimes. Tiny cuts. That's the way to use little man. If you just cut at him a little bit. Tiny cuts. Cuts with a Z though. Have we ever talked about what Jackie's OkCupid name actually was? What was it, Jackie? It was

The Hammer Gets It. The Hammer Gets It? That's why you're coming back and he raped me. I don't know why. I don't know why. One moment we're on a date, the next moment he's coming. My J-date profile though was

hot for Jews. H-A-W-T for Jews. They loved it. They loved it. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you one thing Marcus What is the news? What's the good news?

I do want to talk about that gay marriage though We were talking about that KB earlier As a black fella How do you feel when gays compare themselves To your species? What are you talking about? Everyone is a different species. No, you're not. We're all the same

species. Well, I am sorry that I suck dick. It's not species. It's breeds. Oh, it's breeds. I apologize. It's breeds, man. You don't call a lion a different species because he lives in another part

of Africa. There's different types he lives in another part of Africa. Another lion. There's different types of lions. Different breeds of lions. A cock of spaniel is still the same species as a Shih Tzu. Still a dog. Hey, I don't need a history lesson over here, okay? I know what I'm saying.

Oh, my God. I don't think you do, Chris. No, I don't. I don't think it's not history. It's biology. Oh, it's biology. Sure enough. Genealogy.

What was it? The two-thirds rule? Right? Jesus, Jackie. Remember that one? Kevin is more than... Are we getting into... We're getting into...

Never mind. I will say this. The two-thirds rule. It's actually three-fifths. It was three-fifths. No, that's not my question. Mike, I tried taking us away from this, and you're just pulling it back. It's fine.

We can talk about it. Three-fifths were a black and then they were equal and now I think it's fair to say they're seven-fifths. Black men are officially greater than everybody now. Blacks and Jews. Well, no. Blacks are definitely better than white people.

I really do think that black people are better at every single thing. Everything. Sexier. Much sexier. Just look at the stuff I do. Look at his arms. Kevin went to the park today to do back flips for an hour. This is part of his day.

I went to the park today to just work out my back. Just walk and get there. You drank in the dark in the back of my work? Oh, that's right. That's right. But I'll tell you one thing. I bent over twice. I did bend over twice. Did you drop

something? Yeah. No, I didn't drop anything. I just did it for fun. Oh, wow. Yeah, because I'm active. I'm proactive. I'm white. I am male. I will say, KB, that's one of your funniest jokes where you were just terrified of growing older and then you realized you were just terrified of growing older white. Yeah realized how you were just terrified of growing older white. Yeah.

I just didn't want to be an old white man. That's the most terrifying thing to me in the world. They should all be fucking dead. You're only going to get sexier as you get older, which I can't even fathom.

I can't fathom you only getting sexier as you get older. Jackie wants to throw up over this table and just claw your clothes off of me. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yummy. Every time I come in here,

I would almost be afraid of being raped if I wasn't sure that I'm stronger than every white person. Well, let's be clear, my friend. In the KBBK comedy death match, I did beat you in an arm wrestling competition. You lost the fucking arm wrestling. You chugged the beer faster.

You drank the beer faster. It's a white man's world and I am very proud. I enjoy my life. Cut this out. Edit this out. What has happened? No. I'm just saying. What are we talking about anymore?

God knows. Marcus Parks, what's the news? This has become the news. No, it's not. It's the news oh god this has become the news no it's not this is the news I'm trying to rhyme okay

everyone knows that it's like I'm not getting into it it's like I am not as good Kevin is better everyone knows it good thesis man

good thesis fuck it man I'm graduated he has a couple of drinks and the real Wisconsin comes out. It's a cow. I want to fucking... I like the real big tits.

All right. Out of Russia. Thank you. Oh, this is the best story ever. This is a pretty sweet ass story. Fagilyu Mukhametskinov. What? Mukhametskinov.

That's a name. It's a name. Fagilyu Mukhametskinov. A 49-yearetskinov. That's a name. Fagilyu Muklametskinov. A 49-year-old Russian woman who woke up at her own funeral, only to have a heart attack and die when she realized what was going on. She probably just died because she realized how many friends she had. That's nice. That's very nice.

She was falsely declared dead after collapsing with chest pains. When she awoke, she was lying in a coffin. Three days later? How fast was the funeral? It was like later on. I think like the next day. Something like that. I guess they don't embalm people in Russia. They don't do anything. They don't do anything. It's like a scene in a Woody Allen movie. They just throw them in a box and put them in the ground.

I've heard of that happening before too. Not like the person waking up and dying again, but I've heard of people waking up at their funeral And that happens I just would imagine waking up In my own funeral with Eddie with a mirror to my nose Making sure I'm not Breathing anymore

And poking me with a needle It would be very very sad I would rather wake up though at my own funeral Than wake up like Ryan Reynolds And I'm buried Where you're buried alive I'd rather at least, at my own funeral, then wake up like Ryan Reynolds in Buried, where you're buried alive. I'd rather at least be at my funeral and not be under six feet of dirt and then die and then no one even knows that you were still alive. Yeah, if you want to wake up in the middle of the funeral, get up.

Give your own eulogy. Oh, yeah. Blow your brains out and just fucking do it anyway. That would be pretty badass. Then you can see who didn't come to your funeral. Exactly. Yeah, that's the thing. Holden, who do you want at your funeral?

Who do you need there? If you woke up at your funeral and someone wasn't there, and you'd be like, oh, my God, my life was for nothing. Well, Mommy. Well, your mother has already died. You lived a nice, healthy life. I just feel like the technology is here. The time is now.

I'm going to make, you know, in the next 10 years, Mommy's going to be able to live forever and watch me die. What the fuck, Holden? Why are you eating my fucking robotics and shit in her and give her, like, a fucking robot brain to live past me? Or you could just dig her up and put her in a chair. I mean, that's the thing. Part of the will. Chair mom.

Chair mommy. Chair mommy. Oh, I love Psycho. My mom and I used to watch Psycho together all the time Just be like one day mommy Kevin your mother is terrible Are you going to be mildly Happy when she passes Oh Jesus Christ man

What type of shit is that When my dad dies I'm going to be like he was a fine guy I've made my peace with him But you know Are you going to go to the funeral When my dad dies I've made my peace with him. But, you know... No! Are you going to go to the funeral? When my dad dies?

Yeah. I'll go to the funeral. I've got to do a tight ten in front of it because I booked the show. So, yeah. No, it'll be good. Murder Fist will perform and I'm going to do a tight... I'm going to say ten, but then again I'm probably doing an extra five on top. Because he's dead. He don't know.

He doesn't give a fuck. I think the one ongoing joke in Murder Fist, which I think we need to make a reality, is we need to put in all of our wills that John has to bury our bodies by hand as we die, one by one. And if John dies before any of us, his firstborn

has to bury all of our bodies in a wooded area. He's got to dig the grave, push our bodies. Whatever the age is, it's going to be a three-year-old kid. It's going to take him like four years to do it. Exactly. Oh my god. I'm really excited to get this under wraps. We have to fucking get these wills written up, man.

Oh man, write in your will. When do you do that? When do you start doing it? Man, I kind of want to do it right now. You can die today. I kind of want to do it. Just get it done. I'm guessing I'm going to do my will in my mid-forties. Your mid-forties? I'm not going to do my will until I own something. Yeah. Mid-40s.

Like I said, mid-40s. After Terry Shivo died. Terry Shivo. Remember that gal? Oh, man. She was like, oh, a vegetable retard. What a greedy bitch. I would have fucked that bitch all...

Why wasn't her husband just like, yeah, bring her into the room and just have her lie there? It's better than masturbating. See, that's what the lube... At the very least, you get to have sex with her constantly. That's where the lube comes in. Wait, I'm sorry. Exactly. What's the story? Because unfortunately we live in a country where you can't fuck your almost dead vegetable wife

because the government wants to take this right away. Fuck this country! I want my freedom! They could do that shit in India, by the way. I'm sure they do. They could do anything. They could do all kinds in India, by the way. I'm sure they do. They could do all kinds of shit, yeah. India's a terrible place. It's a fantastic place.

You get to fuck the dead. Can't eat a cow, though. There's about two times more cell phones than there is access to private restrooms. Oh, I got a restroom story for you, my friend. Authorities say a woman entered a portable toilet, port-a-potty, at a yoga festival. This is nuts. I know this.

Why are you interrupting me? First of all, what is a yoga festival? Holden knows the story. Can we move on? A yoga festival, I'd imagine, is just a festival where everyone does yoga. Maybe seminars, things like that. The yoga festival should be in the middle of a fucking

football field and we'll just be in the boots jacking off to those sweet asses they are presenting. The yoga festival? You know what I'm saying? The person involved in this, I think, is at least a cousin of yours. Authorities say a woman

entered a portable toilet at a yoga festival in Boulder on Friday and discovered a man hiding in the tank below when she lifted the lid. Hiding in the tank? Oh, that's right. Another man checked it out and confirmed that there was a person covered in a tarp hiding inside the tank. Watching chicks piss and getting shit on. I don't get that.

I don't get why men record women pissing. There's so many easier ways to cover yourself in diarrhea. What is so sexually satisfying about watching someone spreading up their fucking pubi labias and having piss come out of it? At least if you want to get pissed on, fuck the girl before you get pissed on. Or fuck her after you get pissed on. That's kind. Take our expert on getting pissed on and peeing on,

Ben Kissel. I am rock hard, number one. You really nailed it, Jack. It's funny because you were saying it was negative but I'm a positive thinker. And I think that the whole point is you want to get piss in your mouth and you want to get that the whole point is you want to get piss in your mouth and you want to get piss in your eyes

and you want to get it in your nose because it's the forbidden candy. It's the thing that the daddy says you can't have. But you know what I want? I want that fucking sweet, a sweet wetness all over my body. And then you can use that as lube.

Fuck lube. Get piss. Well, you know what? This guy right here. It's fine, Jackie. You've pissed on men. I have never. Yes, you have. No, I have not.

You bled on. I bled. Sure. What woman hasn't bled on a man? All right. Eddie. I've had many blood-covered dick, never a piss-covered dick. Eddie, you've never pissed on a chick?

Never. Have you tried? Why would you piss on a girl? It's a perfectly good girl! I had a girl. The girl is ruined once you piss on her. What are you going to do with her? You've got to throw her out. You don't understand.

I can't eat this! You can though. You can eat it. Have a pissed on bitch sitting on your couch You don't piss on her on the couch You just throw her to the curb like a ruined mattress Once a girl is peed on She's always peed on This is true

Every time you piss on a girl You gotta throw them to the corner And everyone's like I think she has bed bugs Also if my fucking vagina is that fucking close to your face You better be eating me out. And I'm not going to fucking piss on you. You're only going to give me pleasure. I'm not going to give you any pleasure.

So I'm already hovering over your big horse face trying to get some kind of pleasure out of your big body. First of all, don't fucking be every woman I've ever met. Look, Jackie, you're not a man. You don't understand why we cover ourselves in shit so we can get peed on. You really want to get peed on? Jackie, every man wants your ass on their face. Well, I know, but I'm not going to pee on them. I don't get peeing on them.

But there's a lot of things that I wouldn't cover myself in shit for. So it must be really good for this guy. Wait, Racine, I heard a funny tale. You pulled a fake replica gun, but it was a fake gun on a woman. Yeah, you pulled a gun on her. Yeah, Mike, why don't you tell the fake gun story? All right. All right, come on.

Tell us all about it. Tell us about how you're nearly a felon. You guys are acting like I just pulled a gun on a girl. You did. You did. You pulled a girl. No, I didn't. No, I told her I was bringing the gun out.

Oh, good! Oh, good! Fucking ass! No, I'm fine with this story. I am fine with this story. Out of nowhere, we had sex, and then afterwards I was bored, and I was like, do you want to see my gun? That's not something you say to a woman

right before you kill her. It's not even a real gun. It's like a broken BB gun, but it looks real. And you didn't tell her. It's not even a real gun. It's like a broken BB gun. But it looks real. And you didn't tell her it was fake. I don't remember. Did you point it at her? Mike, did you point the gun at this woman? I didn't point it at her, no.

But I was like, do you want to see my gun? And she was like, no, I don't like guns. And I was like, well, you kind of need one if you live in this neighborhood. And she was like, can you please put the gun away? I don't like guns. And I was like, fine, I'll put it away. And then she, like, really thought that I was going to kill her. Let me ask you this. Were you naked while holding the gun?

I think I was, like, in my boxers or something. See, that's sexy. There's nothing wrong with that, even if you don't like guns. If I was going to kill a girl after sex, I wouldn't mention the gun. No, you would just kill her in her sleep. I would just kill her. Yeah. But do you understand? But Mike, do you understand how that's terrifying?

Uh, yeah. Yes, in retrospect, yes. You want to see my gun. I don't want to see your gun. But then you pull out the gun. She was like, can you stop? I don't like guns. And she was like, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I thought about my mom. Jesus Christ.

Did she call you back? Yeah, I think we had sex like one more time. That's not a desperate girl. That's the best way. You used to have an AK, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You showed chicks your gun all the time? Not only that, I would take them to the shooting range,

and then I would make them take my gun home with them, drop me off somewhere and then take my gun home with them and make them hold onto my gun underneath their bed just to make sure they would come see me again like they'd have a little thrill of danger. That's sexy. That's sexy. You just left that when a gal

leaves her panties at a male's apartment. They loved it. It was great. That's fucking sweet. Do you ever finger bang a chick with that sweeties at a male's apartment. They loved it. It was great. That's fucking sweet. Do you ever finger bang a chick with that sweet, sweet barrel of that gun? Never. You know what, though? Never once.

I have this horrible fantasy that I'm going to lose my job and I'm going to need money and I'm going to rob a bodega with this fake gun. How would that go down? I'm going to be like, give me your money

and then the guy behind the counter will start like a real gun and I just have to throw my fake gun at his head And run away I just feel like if you try to rob a bodega with it There will be a chick working behind the counter And she's just going to fuck you She's just going to be like, oh you have a gun

And she'll just immediately blow you It'll work out totally perfect Ten years later? Three kids No I was going to say yes Well nonetheless for. Ten years later? Can we smoke in here, by the way? No. No? No, I was going to say yes. Then you would have been wrong.

Well, nonetheless, it's Gay Marriage Week, ladies and gentlemen. We got a segment from Holden McNeely. Alright, who are you going to go gay for? Alive or dead? Who do you go gay for, alive or dead? I'm not talking about you go on a date and you make out at the end of it. You're like, fucking no. You're like, fucking sucking his cock and he's fucking you in his ass.

And your fucking ass. He's just going to town. He pulls out and he's just got like little shit flakes on his dick. And you fucking take him in your mouth and he blows his fucking low. You love it. Why are you staring directly at me during this entire time? Right in his eyes. his thought about this one. Big fucking nasty

fucks. Big hearts. And you know, obviously for Jackie, it's like you're fucking eating her pussy. Yeah, no, it's a girl version of what you just said. Yeah, but the thing is, you like it too much, so she also like pisses on you and shit. Yeah, she is me and I am you. Pisses on you as well.

Who do you pick, Holden pick Holden I would go with I've thought long and hard about this I've been like hard Keyword is hard Rock like a rock And I would say I realize I think it's like Malcolm McDowell

But like Clockwork Orange version Malcolm McDowell with the mask on and shit Because I needed to be kind of rapey for it to go down with me and everything. And I'd probably have to have him kind of be fucking sadistic. But I think he's so funny and charming in that movie, too. So it'd be like fun. I think we'd kind of have a good time afterwards and shit. He's got a great body, you know.

Yeah. He's not even that rich. This is why we're going to talk about this rich Malcolm McDowell We just watched him in Halloween He's so good in that He's great How about you Racine Who are you going gay for

I didn't get a chance to think about this I think I have one You got one It's somebody Probably somebody big and black, like the guy from Amistad. Or maybe Kibos Free. Yeah, the dude from the Green Mile. What about him? Oh, Michael Clark

Duncan. Duncan's very short. From Amistad. I thought it's Jimon. I thought his name was Jimon. I don't know how to pronounce it. I just read the letters. But I would dress up like a slave master and then I would just let him fuck me.

I would pretend. That's just all the white guilt. Yeah, I would be like, I would whip him a couple times and then we could reenact the scenario where he slams my head against the wall and just fucks me in the ass. And then that would make him... And then that would make him feel good

And then I could just say nigger whenever I wanted to It ain't right I don't like it It ain't right You're the worst dude Kevin Well I was going to go with something different Until I realized I need to rape the shit out of Mike

Rape him! I want to scar you emotionally now for that. Just ruin your life. That's my choice. That's the best way to do that, man. That's the best way to, like, if you have to fuck a dude, you might as well just ruin their life.

I'm going to spend an entire day jumping around the grass doing backflips, have a fucking sweaty ass dick, and just rub it all over your face, in your eyes, and then put it out. Oh, you want to say nigger again? You want to say nigger again? Meanwhile, I am jacking off to it on you porn.

Holy Lord, I love the scene of that. Good job, Mark. All right. I learned, yeah, I guess that doesn't give me the right to say that word. Good job, Mike. Kevin, you proved your point and I'm sorry. I learned, yeah, I guess that doesn't give me the right to say that word. Kevin, you proved your point, and I'm sorry. Good. Who are you boning, your brother?

I'm not going to bone neither of my brothers. How about your father? My father is a closet homosexual, but he's arthritic, so he couldn't deal with what I wanted to do to him. I didn't know it was hard to do that. The thing that I'm going to say is I want to fuck Chris Farley and I want to blow John Candy. These are my two icons growing up and that's who I want to come all over my body with. And I would

say overall, I want to get behind Farley. He was a younger, smaller fellow. He was sweet. He had a supple buttocks and I think his overall I want to have his butt hair be my pubic hair. I want to get in there and be like, hey, look at me. Look at me.

I'm inside of you. I'm as funny as you. Of course, I will never be. And then John Candy, I want him to take me from behind and just allow me to feel Canadian. Just let me feel like a real Canuck. With his dick inside of me, I feel like I would actually be very pure of heart and people would think I'm very nice.

All right. Jackie. If I'm going to go white, it's going to go Mila Kunis because I would want to... Well, I mean, whiter than Queen Latifah who would be the other one that I would want to I mean you know whiter than Queen Latifah who would be the other one that I would fuck well because the thing is that

I would want to look in the mirror while I fucked her and be like this is what I would look like if I were 100 pounds thinner think about that while I wrapped myself on her body and made her like my bitch but then there would be Queen Latifah that I would just want her to yeah man I would be Queen Latifah that I would just want her to... You want to fuck the queen?

Yeah, man. I would want Queen Latifah... Put your crown on! Yeah, man. I would want to be her slave, and I want her to tell me everything she wanted me to do, and I would do whatever she told me to do, because she's supple.

I feel like she runs a tuna packaging plant in her vagina. What are you fucking talking about? She just pushes her navel and it just makes a can of tuna. No, man, she's all covered in makeup. I want makeup and drapery. That's what I want in my fucking lesbian relationship. All right, fine. Have Latifah.

Eddie. If I gotta fuck a dude, I'm fucking Rosie O'Donnell. Come on, Ed! This is not time for jokes, Ed. What's the man, Eddie? No, I would, if I would pick, at first I was like Bruce Springsteen, but I was like, ah, no, I don't want to do that to Bruce. You know, he's too nice.

If I want to fuck a dude, I want to fuck. Or get fucked by a dude. Or get fucked. Yeah, if I get blown or whatever. Yeah. I want to do it with a fucking experienced ass gay dude. Okay. Because I want it to be the best it can possibly be.

Yeah, yeah. So Bruce Valanche. This is going to be my one shot at this. Why don't you just have sex with Marcus then? Hey, how are ya? Kiss will be here all week. I'll probably pick the little Spanish guy from Con Air. Yeah, but then it just looks like Bruce Valanche is fucking Bruce Valanche.

I don't see the humor in it. Oh, man. Now that gay marriage is legal, Bruce Valanche is another way to be lonely. Oh, my God, exactly. I wasn't allowed to marry. It's like nobody wanted to marry you. But now I thought it was because of the law.

Doesn't make any difference to me. Marcus? Marcus, let's change it for you. Who do you want to go straight for? What woman do you want to have sex with? Faggot! Marcus Parker's seen miles of dick, man.

Oh, so much dick. How do you get to Key West? Miles of dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Key West. Is that north or south? That's south. That's south.

Seven mile bridge. Seven dick bridge. Good one, Eddie. Eddie! That's number one. Alive or dead, Marcus? Who are you going to go with? Alive or dead?

I'm thinking I'm going to go for Nikola Tesla because intelligence turns me on. There you go. Nikola? Who the fuck is that? No, Nikola Tesla. And also Nikola Tesla, he was also celibate, so I like a good challenge. So, you know, we would both discover each other together. Do you think you could shove it inside of a cell?

He's a guy who bans spoons with his mind. You know the Tesla coil? It's all electricity and shit. Yeah, he was screwed over by Thomas Edison. Yeah, he invented electricity. He's the one that did it all and Tom Edison took it up his ass.

You should really fuck Tom Edison because he'll take it. You know who else was celibate? This may surprise you. The author of Peter Pan. Oh, really? Man, that guy beat off to some weird shit. Wait, didn't he want to fuck little girls? Probably.

I'm sure. He was celibate, so it doesn't make sense. He never wanted to grow up. No, he just wrote children's books because he liked to write children's books. That's boring. So, Marcus, you want to bang this fucking sweet-ass scientist wrote children's books because he liked to write children's books. That's boring. So Marcus, you want to bang this fucking sweet-ass scientist. What's he going to do to you? What's he going to do to me? Well, he's got a mustache.

Good, good. So he's going to brush it on something? On your asshole. I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to stroke your dick. Yeah, he's going to do that. Tickle butt. Do you think Dr. Mangalo was good in bed? I think Dr. Mangalo was sensitive. Dr. Mangalo was good in bed? I think Dr. Mangalo was sensitive Dr. Mangalo was not good in bed Why not? Because he's too much other shit

on his fucking mind I feel like all those guys were overcompensating with their murders and craziness for not being good in bed and having tiny penises Yeah, but don't you think they have to also overcompensate and try to fuck the shit out of you like Stalin probably would? Stalin probably would. Well, you have rape fantasies

about Stalin, and that's a different issue. Oh, I know. I know. Marcus, I feel like you seem a little bit bored over there, and I want you to describe exactly in detail what you want this character to do to your butthole. I don't know. By the way, say the talk. No, this is the end of the show,

and I want Marcus... I don't know about it. No, Marcus wants... the show And I want Marcus I don't know about it No Marcus wants Cause the thing is Marcus chose somebody Marcus you chose somebody That's actually like Real to you Like you was around

Cause right No but like Saying you're gonna Fuck a You would go gay for a dude Cause of intelligence Is probably the gayest Answer

It's gay It's gay That's what I'm saying Thank you Kevin Is Bottom Z too gay for you guys? Like, would you ever consider, like, if you're going to go gay, would you take it? Oh, no. I'm a pitcher.

I'm not a catcher. You would never catch it? I would definitely take it. I have a large butthole. Hold on. How is your penis size? It's good. Apparently it's good.

It's a good size. That's what I've learned lately. I'll tell you one thing, I feel like my anus could really catch Quite a large amount of dick Like a good solid piece I'll tell you what brother, I would fucking load up in you Well that sounds fantastic I guess we have to end the show at some point

You're going to wake up with a fucking dick in your ass. How would you feel? You're going to have cum all over your buttocks. I don't know. Kevin, if you woke up with a bunch of jizz in your asshole, how would you feel? Well, I'd have to kill somebody. I would get up and make a plan. Somebody's dying.

It's uncomfortable for the rest of the day. You think you can just wipe it out, but you can't. What if you thought it was jizz and then you killed somebody and it was just conditioner or something? Oh, that's such a great prank to play on someone. You just put a bunch of conditioner in their ass crack. They get all hammered so they wake up. Somebody please pull this prank and email us. At theroundtableofgentlemen.com.

All right, this will be that episode. We'll give you a round table of jets for Jackie Zabrowski and Lars and Marcus Parks. at theroundtableofgentlemen.com Alright, this will be that episode. We'll give you a round table of jets for Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, I am Ben Gissel. Thank you, Mike Racine, for being in the Chuckle Hut, and I'll tell you one thing. We'll be here next week, and I am looking forward to it. It'll be a good time.