The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 53: Black Talk

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Who wants to hear a super drunk, racially charged Round Table! You do, that's who. You can also tune in this episode to hear us talk about a would-be necrophiliac, a two day old corpse in a public pool, and what we would all do if we only had three months to live. As Kevin Barnett couldn't make it on a Saturday night, we've got returning guest Jeffrey Joseph on deck plus Ron Krasnow, roommate Colin Morse and Mystery Sam in the Hut!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Everything good, Marcus? Everything's perfect. Alright, pray to the Lord. This is gonna be a drunk one. Oh, it's. Everything good, Marcus? Everything's perfect. Alright, pray to the Lord. This is going to be a drunk one. Yeah, yeah, I'm on prayer.

July 4th weekend. Pray the fuck out of that shit, you cocksucker. Bayamanos! Dear Lord! Maricones, bugarrones, portotas y mariposas. Alright, dear Lord. July 4th, Jeffrey, please. Only the gay character in your normal voice is allowed on this one

Dear lord Dear lord, thank you so much For tonight, a return to the old Drunk days of the round table When we used to record at 10 o'clock On a Friday night And get wasted Thursdays as well Thank you for

motherfucking America! Motherfucking America motherfuckers! Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da July 4th for explosions, for hot dogs, for drinking way too much beer, and for having a fucking great time. Amen! Alright, welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, the July 4th edition. We are drunk as skunks eating burritos all day long. Who is on the podcast this evening? Jackie Zabowski.

Man, I feel like a fucking... That's right, Jackie! Ed Larson. Hold it, McNeely. Fucking oosh. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett. It's as if he's looking in a three-way mirror. We've got Jeffrey Joseph and his friend Sam.

Jeffrey and Sam. Sam is knee-deep into a fantastic taco right now. How you doing, Sam? Holy Lord! That was a stereotype. That's the thing. I'm Ben Kissel, and Jackie is wet as hell. Literally, Jackie is sitting across

of two very attractive African-American fellas, and the only thing I can equate it to is if Holden and Colin... By the way, Colin is also in the chocolate. Colin Morris. Round Krasnow round Krasnow is if Eddie was

sitting across if you two were replaced with cheeseburgers that's the exact correlation no man except these

fucking cheeseburgers are covered in fucking sour cream and fried eggs and cheese oh yeah my cheeseburgers just come to

come come to come good idea Ed alright did you introduce Ron Krasnow though I already did Ron Krasnow is here hello Come to... Come. Good idea, Ed. All right. With us as always... Wait, did you introduce Ron Krasnow? I already did. Ron Krasnow is here.

Good. Yeah, you gotta let him do his little bit. He's very Jewish. Very Jew-y. That's right. And you're a fantastic Jew at it. Speaking of Jews, Marcus Parks, the newsman. Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us today?

Jews to news. My friend, the Jews to news. Good idea. Jews, you can use. A man accused of raping a woman as she lay unconscious on a city sidewalk in broad daylight told cops he thought he was merely molesting a corpse. That's fine. Not a Jew.

I'm going to guess not a Jew here. I'm guessing Jewish on account that he found a bargain and he took it. I'm going to tell you his name. Guess the race. Melvin Jackson. Jew. Is it Jew? Was he a golem?

Actually, he somewhat looks like a golem. Eddie, give me a mugshot description here. Mugshot. You know Nick Nolte's mugshot? If he was black. It's just that. That's fantastic. See, Melvin Jackson is one of those names

that the census taker doesn't even come to your house. Right. It just marks it off. Black. Okay, next. Wasn't Melvin Jackson the star of that McDonald's commercial? Melvin Jackson's got a job! No.

Who was that? I remember those. Everyone was so proud of him. Kenny got a job. So Melvin Jackson was just walking down the street. He was going to go try to find a live woman to rape and he literally tripped over the thing that he wanted to find. What a glorious day for him.

It's like when I found $10 on the street the other day. Where was this? This was in New York? Oh, no, no, no. This was in Kansas City. Kansas City! Dirty town! Dirty town, Kansas! When officers stopped Jackson, who was walking down the street with his pants unzipped... You gotta zip it up, rapist!

It's always suspect! Yeah, it's always suspect. Why zip it up when you've already done the crime? Good point, Jackie. I think the cop had his pants unzipped. Absolutely. Good point, Ron. Whenever the cop stopped him, he said, I thought that lady was dead.

I just love that he tried to be like, I didn't rape her. She was dead. It's like, that's a worse crime, isn't it? No, no, it's not. I don't know. It's not worse. If you're going to have sex with a corpse, it's not worse than having sex with a live woman against her will. If you have to choose between one or the other,

pass out woman or corpse, what do you do, Ed? Oh, man. Pass out woman. How dead is she? How can you tell if a woman that you're fucking is dead? That's the first thing. That's the first question. What's the cause of death?

Like bullet shot or like cancer? A single stab wound to the heart. No. She was second stead. Definitely ticking a live girl. It's too bloody. Ticking a live girl. You don't want to get blood on me.

The worst crime is the death for you. What about you, Ben? I feel like you would go... Well, no. You took an extreme death, you know? Would you fuck her to death? Yeah. That's the thing.

Well, yeah, hopefully. I mean... Maybe. If there's a kind and good God in this world Then yes Maybe he thought he was just doing an amazing job Her eyes were rolled back in her head As if she was having an incredible orgasmic situation

You know like Jeffrey When you have sex with a woman And they roll their eyes In the black community There's such a thing as Dick the Pussy Resuscitation Oh is that right? He might have been trying to save that bitch

That's a good point. Well, the victim did tell police that... Ass to mouth to mouth. I've heard of it. The victim did tell police that she passed out after feeling dizzy while walking. So she felt dizzy, she passed out, and she does not remember the alleged attack. Oh, she wanted to get fucked by a nigga. Yeah.

Totally. Well, who doesn't? She did heroin with no pants on. You know, and then just waited. That's the thing. Man, maybe that was the only way that she could get fucked. Man, if that was the only way I could get fucked, you're ugly in the face.

Sleeping's the only way? Laying on the sidewalk pretending that you're dead and you gotta open a hole. Someone's gonna fuck you. Well, think about the Venus fly trap. Think about a lady's vagina in a Venus penis trap. Yeah, no, it's her trap. Think about a lady's vagina. So it's her fault, Jackie? Venus penis trap. Yeah, no, it's her fault, of course. She's lying there.

She's probably wearing a bloomy or something like that. Totally accessible. If she's not wearing a bloomy, she's fucking asking for it, man. She needs it. She wanted it. Well, good for him. Yeah, man. I'll see brava.

Good, Jackie. Good, Jackie. That's fantastic. Does the chick corpse stay wet Like a guy stays hard when they die We're always wet I don't know if that's all true I don't think so

In fact I detested that from my date last Friday I'm sorry for you That means you're no good at it That's why they invented lube Thank you very much Good job Ron It's like trying to fuck a tire swing. That's the thing.

Holden would have stumbled upon her and had sex with her thinking that she was dead and then realized she was wet. And he's just like, this is terrible. You know, I like them dry. Arid. Yeah. Yeah, like a desert kiss the rain, man. Park! Like a desert kiss the rain.

Fuck sand in the vagina. I'm talking about sand on the dick, dude. Change in everything. So this man is really just an opportunist and it doesn't seem like he did anything that wrong. I feign being winded all the time and I just kind of go down and I stick my buttocks

out and I hope somebody really plants one in it. And they never do. So this gal, you know, it's a fantastic way of baiting a cock into one's body. And that's what I like to do whenever I'm tired. Are you trying to get ass raped? Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Have you heard of fun?

Yes, of course I am. It sounds like you're out there trying to have your asshole fucked. Yeah, Ron, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's why Ben's a dog. So why don't you fall asleep on the street in Kansas City like everybody else? I've done it tons and tons of times. And I wish that's why Ben's a dog. So why don't you fall asleep on the street in Kansas City like everybody else? I've done it tons and tons of times.

I wish that man would have stumbled upon me. I would have been his prince in anus armor. It would have been really fantastic, but God knows. Kevin Barnett's not here this week and somebody misses having their ass raped. Oh, Kevin fills it up so bad. Do the math, people. Do the math. I don't

take mucilix. I just have Kevin stick it inside me. I'm good for a week. Really fluid. Here's a quote from the prosecutor, and I think this quote says something about Kansas City. I've been a prosecutor for a long time, so you kind of get to a point where not a lot surprises you.

This is a new one. Have you done? God, what is worse? What do you think is worse? Necrophilia or Living in Kansas City Or living in Kansas City That's the thing Who isn't dead in Kansas City?

They're all dead Wait, is this Kansas City, Kansas Or Kansas City, Missouri? This is Kansas City, Missouri Oh, that's even worse, I think Kansas City, Kansas That's legal To fuck a woman. It's this guy's fault.

He should have dragged her by the foot across the bridge. Who has been to Missouri? I just don't even know. Have you been to Missouri? My father played football for Missouri. No shit! University of Missouri, yeah. Missouri.

Mizzou. Mizzou. Missouri? Why are you saying Missouri? That's how they say it. Yeah, that's how they say it. Why would they say it that way? That's not how it's said. Thereizzou. Mizzou. Missouri? Why are you saying Missouri? That's how they say it. Yeah, that's how they say it. Why would they say it that way that's not how it's said? They're done.

Missouri. That's all you're going to say, Sam? You've got to remember, it's the South and the Midwest, so they kind of run out of pronunciation. So it's Missouri. You're all going to have to disagree with you there, Jeffrey. Well, I'm from Florida. I'm from the South. We focus on the important letters. Yeah, yeah.

Sam, are you from Missouri? I am from the Midwest. I'm not from Missouri. No, where are you from? Nigga, I'm from Detroit. Oh, from Detroit. Don't get Eddie started on Detroit. I'm from the D, baby. Not bad.

That seems doing well. I'm fairly certain, though, that everyone hates Detroit, right? No, I think they're sad for it. It used to be so awesome. It's just disappointing what's happened. They want to be us. On the rise. Rock bottom.

Do you know since the 1950s, more than a million people have left Detroit? That's fine, Ed. More fun for everybody that's still there. Oh yeah, is that what it's called now? Sort of. Yeah, there was 310 murders there last year. Actually, 350, yeah. That's a slow year.

It's a very slow year. That's a murder a day! Sam, have you seen a murder? Any kind of murders? Have you not seen a murder? Sam, have you seen a murder? They're asking a black man if he's seen a murder? Any kind of murders? Can you imagine? Sam, have you seen a murder? They're asking a black man if he's seen a murder. We're asking a guy from Detroit if he's

seen a murder. We're not asking you. Yeah, Jeffrey. You haven't seen a murder. You don't even watch Tyler Perry movies. We also did not ask your opinion. Oh, shit. Getting all Texas on a motherfucker. Oh, no. Don't do it, Marcus. Take it easy, Parks.

Wait until they get to the Jew questions, Ron. Oh, no. Don't do it, Marcus. Take it easy, Parks. I'm with you on that, Jeffrey. Wait until they get to the Jew questions, Ron. Oh, no. How fast can you count money? What part of Texas are you from? I'm from northwest Texas, near the Panhandle, Lubbock area.

There's no cities around to really... Lubbock or leave it. Lubbock or leave it. I live in Dallas and San Antonio. Dallas is about six hours away from there Which part of Dallas? The good part

The airport Samuel did a play in Dallas You did? What was the play in Dallas? How to fuck a dead white woman Oh man I would try to be in that play. I will say, a testament to how amazing of an actor Sam is, he was the dead white woman. In parentheses, it's also Jackie's wet dream.

I transformed for the part. Oh wow, don't get me started. Like the drummer for the Osmonds. Good job, Adam. Thank you. Speaking of death, there was a gal, and is this in Detroit? She was in a pool for three days? This one is in Boston.

Boston. I'm from Boston. Yeah, baby, me too. You're from Boston? You're going to love this one. Police think a 36-year-old woman drowned in a public pool on Sunday, but was not pulled from the water until Tuesday night. That's in a public pool on Sunday, but was not pulled from the water until

Tuesday night. That's in a Fall River, right? No. And people were swimming in the pool with her, right? Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're saying this woman was set in a public pool, dead for over two days? Yeah. And nobody raped her? Oh, that's one of those classic Rotterweights. Shoot too wet!

Too wet to rape! No one cast their checks? You're right, you're right, Ron. It was Fall Too wet. Too wet's a rape. No one cast their checks? You're right, Ron. It was Fall River. Oh, it's Fall River. That is a classic Fall River scheme. You know this place? Oh, sure.

Ron, let me ask you a question. How come most of the dramas that come out of Boston are about kiddie rape? We like children. They're adorable and have really soft lips. Really? There's not a whole lot else going on besides raping corpses and children. There's a lot of Catholics too, you know. Oh, yeah. Catholics love fucked up rapes. It's not the Catholics.

It's the fact that they raise Catholic children, and many of them. And they don't have time to pay attention. Easy pickings! I love easy pickings. That's for sure pay attention. Easy Pickens. I love Easy Pickens. That's for sure, man. Easy Pickens. That's my hee-haw name.

Easy Pickens. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage right now out of West Missouri, Easy Pickens. Easy Pickens'! Easy and Slim is a duet coming up. Easy, what's the name

of your latest album? Oh, my easy. Mine is called Pickin' Easy, my easy. Yeah, I like corn. He's always holding a flaming pitchfork. Always.

Tell us about the remix you did with R. Kelly. Oh, yeah. R. Kelly. Oh, yeah! R. Kelly's a nice guy. Taught me how to fuck little girls. Very nice. Oh, my. Yeah, before,

I was just fucking young boys. It's like, nah, nah, nah, you're doing it all wrong. You gotta get in where the other side lives. Is that the name of the song? Nah, nah, nah,

you're doing it all wrong. I don't mean to get all Jew-y here, but I'm pretty sure you admitted to rape there, so you might need a lawyer soon. Good job, Ron. We admitted to having a good time. Exactly. Is that so bad? When we give a microphone to my lawyer, what happened?

Who gave a microphone to my lawyer? Please. That sounds fantastic. So what was the reaction to this gal in the pool? Did they scoop her out? Or how did they... Henry Zebrowski, everybody. How did they discover?

Henry Zebrowski. Oh, my lord. Henry Zebrowski. Let's get a little more weight in this room. Oh, man. I'll let you come. I feel like we are in a freight elevator. Henry, come in here.

Come on in, you fucking... We're talking about a gal. Man, look at Sam. Check this out. Some chick in a pool in Boston died on Sunday. Nobody realized she was there until Tuesday. Too long. That's just a

normal Texas party. This is Boston, though. Oh, I thought you said Austin. No, no, no. Someone should have figured that out in Massachusetts. You would think so. Thank you, Henry. Thank you for that. Here's how it happened.

A nine-year-old boy, her neighbor, tells police that Joseph, her name is, by the way, her name is Marie Joseph, went under... Jeffrey, are you related? Oh, Jeffrey.

Yeah, yeah, man. We didn't break something open here, did we? She's black. Are you okay? Is this a black thing? She's black? She's black.

Now I'm outraged. I can't believe those white racists left her in a pool for more than 36 hours. Maybe they were just too liberal to kick a black chick out of their pool. Oh, we can't remove her. She's going to press charges. She hasn't moved in three days. I think we should let her go. So a nine-year-old boy, who also happened to be her neighbor,

tells police that Joseph went down a pool slide, landed on top of him, and went under. He never saw her surface. Well, fuck her for not giving the seven seconds you need after someone goes down the fucking slide. Seven second breather. You see him splash and then you go. She obviously was hurtling this fella like he was a whore.

She was already fucking dead. What are you talking about, man? She went down the slide dead. She didn't even get to enjoy the fun time. She was dead before her life even started. Jackson, as a Packer fan, you're bashing a Patriots fan. I think that's what's happening here. I have no idea what you're saying, Ron.

What do you got, Sam? That'll happen. What do you got, Ron? No, Sam. Or Sam. You said that because she was black, she was dead before she was ever alive? No, no. I just meant all women in general.

Good job, Jackie. Here's the way to save that one. Thank Christ. That is actually what I meant. What's fucked up about this story is that it's not like on Monday it was closed. The pool was open all day Monday.

And nobody noticed? Nobody noticed. Was she in the deep end? I doubt she was in the shallow end. People swam with her over the next couple days. There were people swimming in that pool, right? That's because of that racial myth that black people can hold their breath

for 36 hours. Or maybe they're so liberal they thought blacks are more evolved and they had gills now. So they're like, oh no, she's just swimming down there having a good time. She was one of those alligator floats, you know? You just like try to climb on top of her, but adults

can't get on top of her. That's a good point. That was clearly racist. Bunch of rednecks are trying to log roll on her. You saying I can't call black people alligators anymore? What? When did that happen? Crocodiles, okay.

Alligators, over the line. What about Mondays? Is Mondays okay? Mondays fine. If she were white, I would have called her a fucking crocodile, I'll tell you what. Crocodile. Crocodile. Not one person...

Good job, Holden. So, not one person thought that there was a dead corpse next to them they didn't think it was a good idea to report it how on earth does this happen legitimately I just feel like this story is completely insane it takes weeks for that here's what happens

she was not spotted until Tuesday night because she didn't start floating until Tuesday night. Oh, so black people can't float. Not anymore. No one does. Black people are witches. No, because we got hot in Boston.

If she was a black girl in Boston, do you think that would have been reported? Really? What did she do to get herself in this situation? If she was a black girl in Boston, she couldn't have got into the pool. I'll tell you what. Exactly my boy. Not on No Pool Sundays.

She probably could have drowned in a water fountain. This is her in the picture. Eddie, give a description. It's her in a pool. Is she black? Holding a child. It's like her right before. I guess this is the day She died or she was Always in the pool

Give us a raise She's We know she's black We know she's black Ron you want to take A five minute break Do the five minute Sit back

Yeah Sit back Relax Yeah the She's holding Put you in the boo box Ron Boo box Do we have a boo box

Boo You're in the boo box Boo box She's holding a child, a family friend. Her name is Dalianis Melendez. What? No, it doesn't exist. Dalianis.

That's a fake name. No, it's a fake name to protect a baby. Why would a child need a fake name, Eddie? To protect. Maybe the baby's name is like insurance, man. Insurance. What? Yeah, I know.

She obviously loved the pool I wonder if this picture Was taken the day she died It was taken the day she died Ouch This is great This is like her She looks happy

So she died happy She died real happy I mean she died drowning A bird shit on my head The last time I was at a pool That's fucked up That's almost as bad That's a total fucker man

It's just like this story Were you talking to a chick or something? Were you talking to a girl? Or were you just hanging out? I was telling a story about the first time a bird shit on my head And a bird shit on my head Really? That's amazing

True story Serendipity That's amazing, man One time I was tripping on acid at Typhoon Lagoon Oh man, never drip acid at Typhoon Lagoon. Oh, man, never trip acid at Typhoon Lagoon. It was a great time. I did not have a good time. You should have been hanging out with me.

Get better friends. So I'm tripping on acid at Typhoon Lagoon. And the only time when you're on acid, it's really hard to like when you're in the water, you don't trip as hard. You know, it's kind of normal. You kind of feel normal when you get out of the water. You start really tripping. And so we're all eating lunch. We're all just beaming at this point. And I'm mid-story.

I'm in this intense story. I don't know what it is. And a bird flies and hits me in the side of the face. And right in the middle of the story. And we're all tripping. I didn't even break stride in the story. I just kept telling the story. And they're all like, you know a bird hits you in the face? It's like, oh yeah, yeah. That'll happen.

Don't pay attention To the wrong part of the story They're attracted to my rainbow energy I'm letting off right now Yeah yeah it was weird times Birds do weird shit They're stupid as fuck I've seen them flying

To so many windows Oh man have you seen A fucking pigeon trainer Around your house Oh I have Dude I live in the Me and Colin here We live in the pigeon trainer epicenter of the entire world.

I got a fucking pigeon trainer by my place fucking too, man. What are you talking about, pigeon trainers? Like Mike Tyson. Oh, pigeon trainer means black. Yeah. The foreign race is shit! I just can't find that put up with this bullshit

every week? We can't use that. We can't use alligator anymore. All these pigeon trainers that be drowning in the pools. That's some bullshit. And these pigeon trainers be raping sleeping women. I used to want to be a pigeon trainer. But fuck that.

Now it's racist. I will say there is a lot of black talk on the show tonight. I love it. Can we all agree that we're all going to start using the word pigeon trainer to your future? I don't like it. That's the P word. I like the P word. The PT word.

It's a new one. It's good. It's okay. Pigeon trainers. Black people are amazing at training things dumber than them, and pigeons are definitely stupid. Whoa, slow, see? No, so are people. White people, too. He's an expert on black people, huh?

Oh, yeah. Be sure to get Ben's new album Straight Outta Wisconsin. Straight Outta Wisconsin. I'm hanging out with my friend. His name is Dave. Straight Outta Wisconsin. We're eating cheese. Having good times and laughing to comedy. Oh yes, the comedy.

We love it over there. John Candy. Big John Candy state. That was my B-I-G. He was a big man. He's dead. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, I guess so. You never know who's dying these days. Who is your Snoop Dogg?

Snoop Dogg? Jim Carrey. He's so quirky and funny. Wait, wait. Say Snoop Dogg again. Snoop Dogg. Who is your Snoop Dogg? Who's your Snoop Dogg?

Sounds like he's sitting on top of... I'm not nearly as white as the rest of the people. You sound like F. Scott Fitzgerald. I'm really not. Who is your Snoop Dogg? No, Ron, you're the worst kind of white dude. I dare say so. I dare say so. Who is your Snoop Dogg? No, Ron, you're the worst kind of white. I dare say so. I dare say so.

Who is your Snoop Dogg? I like that. He's the worst kind of white. You're just saying I'm being classy. That's just me being classy right now. No, I think, Ron, you are the worst kind of white because you don't even do it right. Because you're married. I didn't do it right.

Because, man, it's like when you're... Ron's all married and shit, though. My marriage doesn't get in the way of my whiteness. It means you're married. Because you're married. You're married and doing it right. Because, man, it's like when you're... Ron's all married and shit. My marriage doesn't get in the way of my whiteness. It means you're too white, number one. No. And it's sad. Because I am from a non-diverse place. I grew up with whites.

I know the white culture. I am white. You're from Boston. How white can you be? I went to college in your white town. Ron, did you have a toe ring? No. Did you ever have a piercing?

A belly button ring. No. Did you have a tramp stamp? No. Did you ever have a piercing? A belly button ring. A belly button ring. No. Did you have a tramp stamp? No. Did your mother carry you one of those fabric slings? No. That's bad.

No. That's it. Why is it only white women that are continuing the third world way of transportation for children? I'm not just white. Why is that the thing? Whites are just like, oh, that's how you do it. You've got those Elvis Costello frames.

I'm gorgeous, I know that. But I am not the result of some Jewish liberal conspiracy. Well, we'll be the judge of that. That's the first thing they say. I imagine a park slope when they start wearing baskets on their heads.

It's just a better mode of transportation, you conservative assholes. Jeffrey, you look thoroughly upset. Are you okay with conjuring up some bad men? I don't know how things go with everybody. Jeffrey, are you sad? Everybody.

All I want, Jeffrey, is for you to be happy, and I'll do whatever I have to for you to be happy. Come on now. Jeffrey, would it be better if instead of everybody he said you people? You people is a stupid word. Are you people going to be happy soon? Damn. Jesus, Jackie.

As soon as you blow all of them, I'm sure they will be. Thank God for fat white women. They've helped the blacks and the whites get together for 50 fucking years. I'm not fat, and I'll fuck them far better than I could ever fuck you. What does that mean? That's not a lesson. No, no, no.

This is really fun for everybody here who's not white. What a good time for them. Jackie was kind enough to let me feel her up right before the show. Yeah, man. I gave him the goods. I was like, you want to be on this show, you got to get the goods. Sam, after the show, you get the goods. I got it first, brother.

You're going after me. Actually, Jackie told me she's actually going to spend the rest of the show underneath the table. Touching Jackie is like touching thawing chicken. It's just a little disgusting and a little squishy. But there's bones in the middle. Yeah, but who's sickier than not sick? We'll make you sick. I liked feeling her up just as much as I liked feeling Henry up.

It's the exact same person. That's a huge compliment. That's a huge compliment. It is a huge compliment. They're the only brother-sister team that could ever pull off an actual switcheroo in the bedroom. If Jackie's like, I'm having sex with Jackie, and she's like, I have to go to the bathroom, and Henry comes in with a shaved beard and just presents his tush, I would just feel like Jackie's having the time of her life. I don't remember her

squealing that way. Sam is into it, by the way. Sam definitely just gave me the eyes. That's your brother, I'll fuck you both. Sam, what do you think about the brother-sister dynamic going on in this room right now? I think it's hot. Yes! I think it's very Midwestern.

They're actually from Queens. It's the same thing. Alright, well I got a story out of Houston, Texas. That would be my roommate Colin's hometown. You're going to love this one. What do you think, Colin? What's the story? Are you throwing it to Colin?

I'm thinking corruption? No, murder! By the way, I just want to point out that Jeffrey Joseph and Sam are looking at a naked picture of Henry Zebrowski on Jeffrey's iPhone. And I just want to say, not one, not two, three, four, five! Five naked pictures of Henry Zebrowski

on Jeffrey Joseph's iPhone. Jeffrey, at any moment, did you think to stop taking pictures of naked Henry or were you just like, oh, this is pretty awesome. This is a good time. I kept hoping

I'd run into him dead on a sidewalk. Looks like a speed bump. All right, well, the story out of Houston, Texas. A Houston man told the cop who pulled him over that he thought he might have hit someone on the freeway but couldn't be sure.

That's when the officer pointed out his shattered windshield and the mangled corpse in his passenger seat. I love it. Oh, wow. That's not bad. Was he hammered? Oh, he got a DUI. Of course he was hammered. He got a DUI? That's it? That's it. Oh, wow. That's not bad. Was he hammered? Oh, he got a DUI. Of course he was hammered.

He got a DUI and that's it? That's it. He got a DUI and failure to stop and render aid involving a fatality, which I think is weird. It seems to me... You could have been technically moving towards the hospital. Passenger seat? Like, what do you mean passenger seat? The passenger...

Like, this guy was driving. He should have drove his ass straight to the hospital. I found this dude! This guy was literally driving his car down the freeway in Houston. He hit a 32 year old man. He shouldn't have been on the freeway

first of all. Fuck that. This guy's an idiot. Well, the 32 year old man, he pulled over. His car broke down and he pulled over his car broke down and he pulled over his car and the guy hits him. Guy goes through the windshield, dies. Goes into the passenger seat and the 45-year-old

driver, he's charged with the DUI. The only thing, the maximum sentence this guy's getting, 10 years. That's not terrible. That's still pretty stiff. That's a bad 10 years. I feel bad for this guy's getting? 10 years. That's not terrible. That's so pretty stiff. That's a bad 10 years. I feel bad for this guy. He's a good Samaritan picking up somebody whose car was broken down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So drunk he's just driving around and some asshole gets in the way and all of a sudden he's getting ass raped? First of all, this guy was barely drunk. He should get off. 10 years is a stiff, stiff sentence for this. It's also a corpse

in your car. You're fucked for the rest of your life. My favorite line from this story by far. The victim's license plate and leg were later found. Both the license plate and the leg.

I have a similar situation. A similar situation? I don You know, I have a similar situation. I feel like, you know. A similar situation. A similar situation. You know, I don't know. I got busted for driving, well, blackout drunk. And it was, like, pathetic, you know. And this poor bastard. What did the cops make you do when they told you?

I was 380 pounds. I was morbidly obese. And they wanted me to walk into a straight line. Hey, good luck, buddy. The only way I move around is a zigzag. You heard of gravity? I don't think so. You're a police officer in Oak Hill, Wisconsin.

The thing was... You weren't blackout drunk. You remember all that. Well, Eddie, when I say blackout drunk, I was trying to fuck a black chick at the party. So that was sort of the thing. That's another Kevin Barnett reference. Shut up.

The only difference is I actually fucked her in the bathroom. Kevin Barnett doesn't sleep with anyone. Kevin Barnett hasn't been laid in damn near a decade and he should be. He's a very attractive fellow. Don't believe the hype. I had sex with a black gal once. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The hoo-hahs on that ho-hound

was just unbelievably large and massive. Oh man, I really enjoyed it. No bullshit. No, I did. I cheated on my girlfriend for her. Ho-hound. Bullshit. All right, Boston.

Take it easy. I'm saying that, no, I came on her titties immediately, and it was a fantastic experience. What's that do with drunk driving? It fucking was not. This is like a whole nother. I am saying. If you come on a chick's tits, you're going to get busted with drunk driving? This is like a whole nother I am saying. You're going to get busted for drunk driving.

I don't believe that you slept with a black woman. I did sleep with a black woman. She wasn't sleeping. I wasn't sleeping. We were fucking doing it. You don't have that look. Oh, what does that mean? Sam? You are not as attractive as Sam and Jeffrey by far. What kind of look?

What do you have to do? Black girls like big white men. Sam, what is the look? I want to fuck him right now. He just gave it to me. Holy Lord, that was a good look. I literally gave him a video camera. I just watched Sam look at Ben

and I dropped everything. My feet are wet. Jackie, it's getting over here. It's getting onto this side of the table. So what you're saying, whenever you say the look, do you mean the look of a man who has slept with a black woman or the look of a man who

could possibly sleep with a black woman? The look of a man who has slept with a black woman. Let me ask you, or in Ben's case, the look of a man who has slept with a black woman. Or in Ben's case, the look of a man who has slept with a woman. Let me ask you this. Do I have that look? Look harder. Look harder, Marcus.

Well, he obviously does. Look at the elfin features of Marcus Parks. Marcus, say goodnight and good luck. Goodnight and good luck. But there are also big black girls that want to sleep with fucking Marcus. Just the way that I... And I know that for a fact. Right, Marcus?

Yeah, I've slept with a few black girls. They love it. They need it. There's something about, like, especially someone that is strong that wants to sleep with a tiny little white man. I'm not tiny. I'm skinny. You are small and you will be broken in half. Oh, you called me son.

Oh! Are you my father? Marcus is best described as a sickly child. I'm very sickly. That's the thing. I'm trying to get a tan, but it's not working out. I'm just glad you still have hair. I got a beautiful head of hair.

And how's it going when you got that big, thick, black mic in front of your mouth? Yeah! They don't sell white mics, man. Literally have no choice in this situation. It sucks.

I think they do, but nobody wants to buy them. Nobody. Hey, Marcus, can we talk about the racial conversation we had the other night at a cabin? Oh, you talking about whenever your friends said that all white people smell like wet dog? Exactly. First of all, dogs are amazing, and sometimes it rains. So, fuck you, Jeffrey. Ben is a dog walker. He's sensitive

about dog talk. I'm a dog nanny. Well, the reason why I brought it up is because I heard someone told me once is that black people think that white people smell like hot dogs. That's great. I know I do. And he definitely does.

There's no way not to when you're covered in them all day. Yeah, eating hot dogs. You guys smell way not to when you're covered in them all day. Yeah, eating hot dogs. That's the type ever, I guess, right? You guys smell delicious. Have you heard about that, Sam? That white people smell like hot dogs? Not hot dogs. No, man.

All black people smell like baby powder, though. I'll say that. That's because we wear baby powder. Of course. No, it's like the definite... Baby powder in the summer, Vaseline in the winter. Wait, wait, wait. Vaseline in the winter? Yeah. Why? wait. Vaseline in the winter? Why?

Ashy. Nobody want to get ashy. Come on, tell them. Ashy. Okay, with the lotion and the elbows and whatnot. Wait, because Henry, you recently shaved all your chest hair off and then you were called out for smelling like black people. Well, it's because I cover myself I didn't realize that. I cover myself

in cocoa butter for the thing. Sharon hugged me and she was like you smell like my uncle. I didn't realize that. I covered myself in cocoa butter for the thing. Sharon walked me and she was like, you smell like my uncle. Sharon's a fantastic host of Twatso. I was just like, I'm slathered in cocoa butter.

So Sharon Paul's uncle smells like Henry Zebrowski? Is that what the... No. That's right, Ron. You really picked it all up. It's because all black people smell better than white people on the whole.

Black people smell better? I think all people smell pretty fucking nasty. If no one wore anything, we would all smell like diseased fucking crustaceans. I don't wear anything but Old Spice. If it wasn't good enough for my grandfather, it's not good enough for me. I'm an Old Spice guy, too.

It takes care of business. Women tell me I smell good. I haven't worn cologne since prom. You know what I do? I sit on an air wick. Oh! For how long do you sit on this air wick? How long do you sit on it? Long as it takes.

Yeah, son! So anyway, so we came to the conclusion about the guy who hit the guy in... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine. He's fine. We got one more story out of it. When does this show start exactly? Yeah, exactly.

Because JJ needs food. You know what it's time for. It's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Got a great segment tonight. Great segment tonight, everybody. We're doing, uh, you got three months to live. Your doctor says you got some kind of heart cancer. It's gonna rip.

Your heart is gonna jump out of your chest in three months, no matter what you do. But it's fine now? Yeah, it's fine right now. You can live three months. How long am I gonna be sick? Exactly three months. Can I ask a couple questions? It, it's fine right now. You can live three months. How long am I going to be sick? Exactly three months. Can I ask a couple questions?

It just jumps out of your chest. All right, so I'm perfectly fine, but three months, done. Perfectly fine, out of nowhere, definitely going to happen. Okay, no problem. So you have the energy to do everything you want to do. There's no tiered situation here. How do you want your months to go? All right.

Imagine that Marie Joseph probably would have, she would have loved getting this heads up. And so would the guy who got hit by the car. Exactly. You're that guy. You're going to get hit by a car and land in a passenger seat in three months. What are you going to do?

Not going the highway. I'm going to throw out there, I'm definitely going to go skydiving and bungee jumping. I'm gonna do the shit I was too pussy to do before. Bungee jumping's fun as fuck. Is it? You did it? Oh yeah. It's good? Oh, it's great. Off a bridge? Yeah. No, no, no. Not off a bridge, off of a crane.

Did you see that? There's a video of a guy about to fall off on a bridge. And they, like, hook him up and everything. And as he's about to fall off, all the people on the bridge go, no, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't! And they're just fucking with him. And, like, him up and everything And as he's about to fall off all the people at the bridge go No no no no don't don't don't And they're just fucking with him And so he goes And he's hooked up to the bungee

That's the meanest Fucking prank to pull on anyone We got a bungee jumper on Marcus Side quote but I would say I've never done cocaine so I'm going to do Cocaine a bunch in a nice place too That's okay I'm going to do cocaine a bunch in a nice place, too. That's okay. I'm going to do heroin for sure.

Heroin? Oh, yeah. Right before. Right before? Day of? Oh, Lord, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like the day before.

I don't want to die on heroin. I'm not going to die on heroin. I'm going to die from my heart jumping out of my chest, you know? Yeah, yeah. So besides that, I'm going to go back to Italy for like a minute, and I guess I'm going to buy a woman or a couple of women. A couple of women. Right?

I would think. I need a bit of variety. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I think the only money I have, I'm going to scrounge up and do a fundraiser so that I can buy at least two women. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Are you going to apologize to black people? Yeah Don't bother holding

None of them listen to this podcast Five minutes before On heroin On the deathbed God, what else? I think that's it Sex slave, drugs Lots of food Big barbecue Alright, Jeffrey, what are? I think that's it. I mean, I just feel like sex slave, drugs, lots of food, you know, big like barbecue or something.

All right, Jeffrey, what are you up to? What are you doing? Your last three months on earth. You got to remember, I'm a black man, so that's three months more than I know I got now. Oh, no, man. Because any minute, Whitey can take me out. So now at least I know I got three months. So the first thing I'm going to do when I go out there is I'm going to slap me some white police officers Because I still know I got three months

You can go to jail still But I still got me three months to live So I know them motherfuckers can't kill me So I got me three months That's the first thing I'm going to do And go to jail Have a family reunion Yeah, but at least I know

I got some free meals coming to me And a nice place to lay my head. What's up, Pop? I'm also going to Fall River Pool because I know I can't die from that motherfucker. That's right, Sam. What do you got going on your last three months? I don't know, man. I'm going to go see Easy Pickings, cut a record or something.

Oh, it's going to be big. I'm retired. I'm retired. I'm retired know, man. I'm going to go see Easy Pickens, cut a record or something. Oh, it's going to be big. I'm retired. I'm retired. I'm retired. All right. You want to be immortal? What about you, Colin? We're going to pick up Easy Pickens and we're going to slide by a preschool and see what we can come up with.

Oh, it's Easy Rapids down at the Easy Pickens preschool. Free admission. Any children, you want to come down there. You know what you said there, kids. It's an improv game. Yeah, Colin, what are you going to do? Free admission Any children You want to come down You know what you said There's just some improv gang Yeah Colin What are you going to do Um

I really just want to Blow stuff up Oh yeah Good answer Fantastic I love that Ron what do you want to do You know a lot of fires

Alright Jackie What are you up to Alright so I want to like Set up this grid Yeah Like battleship Yeah

Right And I want to Also set up a grid Like clue Where we. I want to also set up a grid like Clue where we murder a person every hour on the hour. That's hot. If you're in the place where you shouldn't be, I'm going to

blow your shit up. If not, we're going to murder other people. Sam's going to be with me. Sam's going to be my cohort. You know what's going to happen in the end? I'm gonna fucking rape the shit out of him. And then I'm gonna fucking murder his ass with a fucking

pipe. Jackie, quick list the ten men who's gonna make love to you before you die. All of them. None. No one makes love to Jackie. No, man. I only get fucked. That is it. I get fucked and then I get dead. That's all I want. All I get is fucked. Fuck is it. I get fucked and then I get dead.

That's all I want. All I get is fucked. Fucked no matter what. You're fucking on my mind. I don't never give a fuck. Thank you, Jeffrey. Don't death. I'm going to pull the rarely used ditto on what Jackie said.

And this has been the round table of gentlemen for Jackie Zabowski. Wait, wait, wait. You skipped a couple. Oh, Eddie, you're not done? I haven't done it. What did you do? You didn't even talk yourself. I ditto Jackie. Oh, you ditto couple. Oh, Eddie, you're not done? I haven't done it. What did you do? You didn't even talk yourself. I did O'Jackie.

Oh, you did O'Jackie? I love O'Jackie. Why don't you just say that was a good quote right there? I get fucked and then I get dead? I mean, that's really all I wanted, my love. That's the name of your autobiography. I get fucked and then I get dead. I'm just going to wrestle alligators and fucking jump on buffalo.

If I know I'm not going to die for three months, I'm going to fucking... You're going to hunt. Yeah, I'm going to hunt. But I'm going to hunt with just a buck knife. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just going to go around... Survive in the wilderness. This doesn't fucking matter.

Did you hear what Ben said? You're still going to die in a bloody, terrible way. Did you hear what Ben said? What? He asked you what Ben said? What? He asked you to consider something. What? No, you're not invincible. You know, that's the thing.

Oh, well, they didn't include that. They said three months to die. They didn't say we weren't invincible. But you're going to feel like you're invincible. Yeah, of course. Live like you are. Oh, so I can get fucked up on the first one and just live for three months in a coma.

I guess so, yeah, which is kind of how I want to do it. Marcus, you want to jump, right? You make me think about it. Myself, what I want to do, first of all, I want to go to Japan and fuck my way halfway across that country because Japanese girls just love my type. They love tall, skinny American guys. You love a lot of angry Japanese dudes.

Oh, well, fuck them. He loves them. They will be angry at him. After that, I don't know if I can make it through, but what I want to do is do a bunch. He moves on to Korea and tries to fuck his way through Korea. I thought I was in Japan. It's all the same. And then I'm going to have a meth-fueled car chase here in America. Nice.

Go out big. But I'm going to be doing it in Montana. I'm not going to do it here in New York. I'm going to do it in Montana because I think I can get away from it. I also want to finish reading the book of Job. That's a pretty good one. It is boring and hard to get through. In your fantasy, you're scared of a moving violation.

No, no, no. I'm going to do a whole bunch of math. I'm going to get away with a high-speed chase in Montana. And then I'm going to go to India. And I'm going to go a whole bunch of meth. I'm going to get away with a high-speed chase in Montana. And then I'm going to go to India. And I'm going to go to the River Ganges. And I'm going to die in the River Ganges in hopes of reincarnation. Fantastic idea. I thought, yeah, the more I think about it, I just want to get my life together, get married, and impregnate a woman.

And just have a great family and a nice life. Three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, obviously, I'll have to marry a chick who already has a four-year-old kid and a 17-year-old kid and a 10-year-old kid. Stripper. Whatever she might be. I don't know where I met her. I would love to spend the last three months of my life with a stripper.

I just want to die feeling like my life was normal. Emotional. It's very emotional. Strippers cry a lot. People say they don't because they think they're strong. That's not true. Jackie's got the hiccups. It's very emotional. Strippers cry a lot. People say they don't because they think they're strong. That's not true. Jackie's got the hiccups. She's too drunk. I think when Jackie gets the hiccups, it's time to end the podcast. Dude, I'm so excited. Why don't you take

the chainsaw massacre, man? That was the chainsaw massacre. Big fat scary. Alright, this has been the Roundtable. Gentlemen, for the old hiccup-y Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Marcus Parks, thank you so much for being here. Colin, thank you so much for being here Colin, thank you so much for being here Ron, Jeffrey Joseph I'm here for killing Barnett

And Sam was amazing, thank you so much I'm Ben Kissel, we'll talk to you next week I'm looking forward to it Ha ha ha Hey baby Hell yeah guys This has been a good time