The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 54: Urban Legends

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Homemade electric chairs! Third rail urine! More butt talk! Two of us damn near died! Tune in to hear us discuss all of this and more including the greatest magazine every published that isn't pornographic on this, the fifty-third episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Makes you a woman. Alright, now for everyone if everyone could please close their eyes I'm going to lead us through a guided meditation.

Alright, yeah, you're sucking a dude's dick. Yeah, how's that shit? Boy, dude, I ain't no fat. Yeah, man. Fucking eating it, man. Now you're fucking... Is it throating you? Did you throat it up? Yeah, man. Fucking eating it, man. Now you're fucking... Is it throating you?

Did you throat it up? Now you're the dude's dick. Whoa! He's squinting around. You only got one eye. You know what I'm saying? What do you see? Do you see the fucking...

Did he get his tonsils removed or not? Are you about to fucking blow your shit? I don't know. Now you're fucking Dracula. And I'm beating your ass at the end of Castlevania Symphony of the Night. This set earlier this afternoon, man. Because he used the fucking shield attack, bro! With the alucard shield

and the mirror and the shield rod. Square circle. Fucking beat his ass. And now, you're in a car. You're driving down the road. Maybe you're in the front seat. Maybe you're in the back seat. What is that, a semi?

Oh, fucker. And then that shit fucking road goes off the rails. You almost die. That happens to you. Now, I want you to realize you're back in a cloud. You're not a corpse. Like you thought you might be. And you open your eyes, and you're surrounded by a bunch of dudes. You're not a corpse like you thought you might be. And you open your eyes and you're surrounded by a bunch of

dudes who are going to talk about pussy and shit and bullshit like that for the next 45 minutes. And there's one girl in the room, sort of. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen! Yeah! Good! Yeah! I thank the Lord this is the day Sunday. And this is when he sleeps. Due to that prayer!

Fantastic! Welcome to the Roundtable of gentlemen. Who are these beautiful people that I'm so happy to see with my own two alive eyes? Jackie Zabrowski. Zappa! Ed Larson. Holder McNeely. Kevin Barnett.

I'm Ben Kith. Jared. Jared? Can I do mine? Oh. I'm Jared Logan! With a wacky saying a voice made for radio

ladies and gentlemen he's got a voice made for radio and a body made for radio and then of course we have the fantastic Eric Bergstrom the author of the fantastic Grimmer Tales hey how's it going good Eric

with us as always newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus Parkus, what do you got for us today? And we might be in the news ourselves. We just might be, but we're not in this story. How do you say it like that? Because that's how I like to talk when I'm on the radio. All right, it just seemed like what you were saying had some importance to it and some weight. It's going to be nothing. There's never anything of importance.

It's just like when your mother calls, Ben, come in the kitchen! And then she just points to the floor and she's like, is that a floor? And I'm like, yeah, Mom, it's a floor. Can I go back to video games now? Marcus? What the hell? Okay, this is a story out of the UK.

A man named Andrew Castle. His wife told him that she wanted a divorce, so he asked her to come and talk about it in the garage where he had built her her own special electric chair. Yes! Well, talk about putting a spark back in your relationship. Hey, how are you, everybody? I'm Ben Kissel. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

What made it special, Marcus? Because he made it just for her. Oh, okay, yeah. How quickly did he build it? What's Henry been working on in the garage? Oh, I like it. Was that an electric chair of love up until she asked?

It used to be a dildo chair, but they just ran fucking 20,000 volts through it. Oh, I love those dildo chairs. They just put it in bathtubs. But here's how it went down. This guy's 61. He hit his head in the wife with a rubber club, intending to knock her unconscious, before putting her in the metal armchair and turning on the juice.

When she fought back and fled outside, a passerby intervened whenever the crazy man Castle chased her out of the garage into the yard. A rubber club? A rubber club. You might as well take one of those fake black Acme circles, throw it on the wall, and tell her to take the train tunnel. It's a rubber club. Yeah, you're already going to kill her. Hit her with a fucking bat. A bat and a machete.

This guy obviously didn't want to win. That ruins the enjoyment of seeing her fry to death in the electric chair. Exactly. She has to know what's happening. She can't be completely black. Tile it all PM. Where'd you buy a rubber club? I've never seen a rubber club.

You get them at the sporting goods stores for killing bass. Okay. I want to see the receipt from this Home Depot trip that the guy made. Here's how we had it all set up. There was an electrical cable and a lamp attached to the metal chair.

That's a lamp? I guess he was just going to turn on the lamp and the lamp would electrify it. That's not even that much. That's not enough. I don't know why you guys are yelling at me like I'm the dude. Because we know it was you. We know you have a secret

wife and you have a garage. In England. Yeah, we've been following you. We've seen the photos. We know you're out there bullshitting, man. You ain't gonna kill nobody. Sorry. Jared, let's say that you have a girlfriend. You want to break up with her. How are you doing it in the most extreme way?

I mean, Nick's electric chair. I have a flamethrower, which is a can of hairspray with a lighter and a rubber band wrapped around it. Bitches don't like that, man. That is pretty intense. Your hair needs some hairspray, you stupid bitch. I love it. We used to do that all the time growing up Light up that aquanet

Remember aquanet? That was amazing That would be pretty fun to throw in some chick's face And just really let her have it Well if she was talking at you You know what I mean? Like if she wouldn't shut the fuck up It's like I can't get out of your way

I am obviously drunk and lying here You know, pass over me This castle character way, I am obviously drunk and lying here. You know, pass over me. This castle character, pled guilty, only sentenced to ten years in prison for attempted murder. Is that even attempted murder? That's like so not even close to getting the electric chair. I guess so.

You can't kill someone with a lamp, can you? Yeah, you can kill someone with a lamp. I've been electrocuted before by something much more powerful than a lamp. Yeah, but this is sustained electricity with a conductor. Metal. I mean, when I got electrocuted, it was a big street light. And I was like, I'd come out of the pool. Is this Jamaica?

You should have never broke that guy's heart, Kevin. Damn right. No, this was just in Miami. I remember I was like seven years old, something like that, and I'd come out of the pool. You know how you're a kid, you jump on the streetlights, you swing around them or whatever? Nope.

You're going to have to disagree. I don't remember that part of my life. I used to run into them. I literally used to do this. This is why you're so much better than me at everything. I would just run into the lamppost and be like, lamppost won again. But I'm going to try it.

I think one of the meanest things, speaking of electro. I think one of the meanest things speaking of electrocution, one of the meanest things my dad ever did to me and my brothers whenever my brother was five my dad convinced him to piss on an electric fence and it literally knocked him off of his feet. Was your dad the bully from a Christmas story?

What father does that? Something like that happened to me one time. I was driving and this guy behind me kept flashing his lights and there was a killer in the back seat. Your story is bullshit. That doesn't work. It happened. It happened, Jared.

I call bullshit. It happened, Jared. I call it bullshit. It happened. It happened. What happened when your brother pissed on the fence? Did he get electrocuted? Did it go right up to his cock?

Well, it's water and electricity. Why wouldn't it? I was just going to say, I couldn't imagine why this lady would want to divorce him. He's a craftsman. He's a fucking macho. Eddie, give me a description on this mugshot. This guy looks like Peter O'Toole, but after a four-day bender. I don't know who Peter O'Toole is.

You know who Peter O'Toole is? No. Wasn't he in Lawrence of Arabia'Toole is. You don't know who Peter O'Toole is? Yeah, wasn't he in Lawrence of Arabia? Lawrence of Arabia. Lion in Winter. He's an old man! He was an old man then. That was 50 years ago.

God damn, you don't know who Peter O'Toole is? Am I the only person in this room? I don't know who Peter O'Toole is. I mean, literally, the room just stopped. Jared, describe Peter O'Toole. He's an emaciated old Brit with skull-like eyes and wiry hair. That's kind of what this guy looks like,

to tell you the truth. Isn't that what he looks like? Yeah, this is just like him. He looks like Peter O'Toole! It's funny now. I thought everyone knew that. His wife looked like one of the Gabor sisters. The Gabor sisters.

Holden, how do you want to kill a woman? Shives. Multiple. One just above the nose. That's how Jackie wants it. Tiny cuts. Yeah, little tiny. Tiny cuts, man. I want to see bile.

Yeah? Yeah. You should see me on Friday. What happened to you on Friday, Jackie? You know when you puke so much there's nothing left, so you're just puking up that yellow? Yeah. Pretty much all that all the time, huh? Can you be, like like eating a person's

intestines and they're still alive? Absolutely. That's a good one. That's terrifying. What can you eat on a human body that can still be alive for it? Fingers. More like internal organs.

I think that's making intestines so much more terrifying. As long as you've got the heart, the lungs, and the brain working, that body's going to last for a little while. That's how people wake up in those ice baths with no fucking liver or kidneys. They wake up in the middle of a fucking bath in Columbia, and they're selling their fucking organs on the black market. That's another urban legend, Edward.

What? That don't happen? It happens, Jared. It doesn't happen to you. That's like me saying, no, you can eat someone's brains because in Hannibal, they ate Ray Liotta's brains. Hey, let me ask. Who invited the fun police? I am trying to keep this honest. Oh my god.

So you're saying those fucking businessmen stuck in those baths are fake, that's all fake stuff? It's never happened. It's an urban legend. That is not an urban legend, Jared. Have you seen the movie Urban Legend? That's a good point? It never happened. It's an urban legend. That is not an urban legend, Jared. Have you seen the movie Urban Legend? That's a good point. It's not in it. That is in it. If it happened in the movie Urban Legend, it didn't happen

in real life. That's not true, Jared. Urban Legend did a whole series of fantastic things, and I know for a fact, I came when I jacked off to that movie. The actresses are very happy. Oh man, they didn't wear a lot of clothes in that movie. Hello. No one got naked, though. Nobody got naked in that movie. Hello. No one got naked though. Nobody got naked in that movie.

There was the goth girl. Did you like the goth girl? I always loved the craft, the goth girl. Oh yeah, with that mouth. That stout on that fucking one. She's got a wide mouth though. I think it's gross. Oh come on, that's not gross. I think her wide mouth is gross.

She looks like a raptor. She's got like two or three dicks in there. Two or three, and God knows everybody wants to be the first dick on the right. Yeah, of course. The last dick on the left. Yeah, I like that. No, I mean, I'm different than you guys. The middle dick, that poor middle dick.

That's so sad. Personally, I take Last dick on the left I got a weird bent dick It's all twisted up To the left That'd be me You can get out of there

Unscathed The guy in the middle Has got to touch two dicks You've just got to Touch one dick Also your body Is wedged in between Two other big men

Yeah That's the problem I mean you're technically Touching more dick Than pussy Yeah You're just sticking it In her mouth You're not touching more dick than pussy. You're just sticking it in her mouth. You're not touching any, unless you put your hand down there and do a little tickle.

Maybe some tongue. Maybe some tongue on the bottom. What's the tube that lets out the pee on the bottom of your dick? Urethra. Urethra. You might be in me. You're already turning a woman into a dick hole object. Is touching another man's dick really going to be a problem for you?

I guess not. I don't know. I haven't put in a situation yet. Would you guys be into that kind of situation, though, if a hot girl was like, I want to see how many dicks you and your friends could put inside of me? Well, I'll tell you what, then. If Kevin's there, we'd be like, one. The answer is one.

I would call dibs on the ear. You don't get to be with her because you're an asshole. If Kevin's there, we'd be like, one. The answer is one. But if it's me, Eddie, and Holden... Dibs on the ear. Jesus, Jared, you don't get to be with her because you're an asshole. And she doesn't fucking like you. That is why you're in the corner being like, I bet you there's not even three dicks inside of her right now. That's an urban legend. Three dicks don't go inside of one woman.

The math don't add up! Either way, so Eddie and I and Holden are inside of her. I feel like that could make room for Marcus and Eric. Yeah, at least rubbing it on their back. Also, the belly button, if it's a wider one, you could shove at least the head in. I'll tell you, I had sex with such a fat gal one time. I was inside of her belly button for about four minutes before she broke the news to me. I was like, you like it? You like it?

And she's like, you know what? I don't. Because I'm going to have to tell you. There ain't no stimuli in my navel. In the folds, man. You can't fuck the folds. She wasn't ticklish, huh? Not at all ticklish. Pulled my dick out. It looked like a close-up in Ren and Stimpy, but it was just a piece of

lint hanging off the top of my cock. It was sad. That's very polite of her not to tell you. Yeah, well, no, she was a very nice girl. She just let you go to town. I bet it's happened to her before. I think it's a whole series of things that happened to her, but now she's married to a child, so she's doing fantastic. Eric, have you ever been

in a three-way type relationship or anything saucy or sexual like that? Any men? No men. No men. Thanks for adding that, though. But you are a writer. Yeah. I want to clarify, just so the audience can make their own opinion. No, the closest I've

come to a three-way was I was like 18 and hooking up with this 30-year-old lady who was like a lesbian. You're that guy. Thank you. I have her heels in love with her at the time. She started

making out with some other girl there. That girl asked, you want to have a threesome? I was pathetic enough to just break down crying. Whoa! That's not the response, Eric! What happened, man? You want to have a threesome? You cried! Who brought the baby?

Current dirty old man Eric. A ton of regrets. I just lost all respect for you. You knew Holden. No, it ain't right. It ain't right what Kevin said. Everyone respects you, Eric. You're a sensitive man. And God knows. No, it's worn out.

Were they hideous monsters or were they just beautiful creatures? One looked like Snow White's a suicide girl. That was the girl I was into. The other one looked like a big-boned Raggedy Ann. I love a Raggedy Ann. I would fuck a big-boned Raggedy Ann. I would too.

What's Raggedy Ann's partner's name? Raggedy Andy. Raggedy Andy. You can go out for that, Jared. partner's name? Raggedy Andy. Faggoty Andy. Faggoty Andy. You can go out for that, Jared. I was young enough to think that love was real. Oh my god.

I would have just... Well, I mean, the thing is I guess I would have started crying. I probably would have just farted and puked a little bit or something. It would have been awkward. But at least I'd given it a shot. Did you cry in front of them? Oh yeah. Oh, that's bad. They must have felt like such assholes.

No. Did they just keep on going at it then? That's the best part. They kept going at it. They were cutters, so I'd find their sex razors around. Sex razors? Jackie, take that.

You got out of there. You actually, now I'm behind you. Yeah, respect is back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were going to get your dick cut up, bro. Holden is the new Holden now. I like sex razors. What defines them?

Do they have little pictures of dicks on them? Yeah, you can drink a pina colada through them. They double as a bachelorette straw. Just go to the adult store where you buy dildos and be like, I need razors. I need some sexy razors. Oh, absolutely. Oh my goodness, so a couple of lesbian cutters wanted to have a three-way with you.

What a champion you are. Eddie, you ever get propositioned? No, never. I never had a three-way or a cutting situation. Really? I have slept with a woman who's now a lesbian. That's hot. Yeah, me too. Who hasn't? I slept with a woman who's now a lesbian. That's hot. Yeah, me too. Who hasn't? I slept with a former lesbian.

Former lesbian? Never done the former lesbian. Got into the dick. Yeah, yeah. They never really get into the dick, though. Whenever you were having sex there, could you tell there was something off? Because I knew I could tell that. I had a great time.

I could tell there was something off about it. You got with a former or a post-lesbian? A pre-lesbian. She came out pretty soon afterwards. Oh my gosh. You guys are deal breakers. Yeah, you just got this weird feeling about it. No, mine was a couple years later.

What happened? Did she try to keep licking your asshole or what happened? I mean, that would have been totally fine. Oh my goodness, Marcus. Well, it's very sad. When you responded to that, I don't let a gal lick my asshole whatsoever. Really? You miss you?

I don't let a girl go carping. No, I don't think so. Carping? I'm with Ben on this. Carping's a fantastic fish, by the way. Well, I'm just saying... I don't do it. We're just surprised Ben doesn't.

Ben is. I don't do it. How can you look at a woman with a respectful face when she has shit on her cheeks? Oh, yeah. Being like, oh, I just licked your asshole. Yeah, no, I just thought you were that disgusting. I had to break woman with a respectful face when she has shit on her cheeks? I just thought you were not disgusting.

I had to break up with a girlfriend. All the disgusting shit we hear from you every day. We're just surprised. King of the butt, Ben Kissel doesn't want to get his fucking ass licked. First of all, that's an urban legend. I am not king of the butt. Love butt man, love anuses.

It's bizarre. Women don't understand it. But you take fingers in the butt, right? I used to. And what happened? I just decided that I don't like the way it feels anymore. And it gets weirder and weirder. You can outgrow it. Yeah, you can outgrow it.

You know, it's kind of fun. By outgrow, I mean it's a gaping asshole. It's too big. Yeah, it's too big. No, it's bizarre. Well, it was all connected. It all goes back to that trophy incident, right? Sure, why not?

Why not? Just jam it in there. No, I mean, you know, I'm not saying that I can play skee-ball with my hands tied behind my back and my butt towards the skee-ball machine. I'm not saying that, but I am saying I have a healthy-sized butthole that doesn't need to be stretched out anymore. It's run its course, and it fucking

retired. Like Derek Jeter, no steroids being used. It's on a decline right now. Are you going to need a diaper when you're an old man, do you think? I hope so, yeah. I mean, that's what you put on the walls, right? You just poop in the diaper, and you slap it on the wall, and you call that art?

Isn't that how it works? It'll hold folks home? I think so, anyway. So what's up, Jack? You't that how it works? It holds folks home? I think so, anyway. So what's up, Jack? You ever turn a guy gay? Well, I lost my virginity to a gay guy, so that started it all. That explains it.

Was he gay at the time and just doing you a favor? By gay, of course, Holden means a lesbian. Have you ever turned a man into a lesbian? That's how powerful you are. He woke up the next day and turned into a woman. Have you ever turned a man into a lesbian? Because that's how powerful you are. I woke up the next day and yeah,

it was, it turned into a woman. No, that definitely happened. I thought you were a man. What'd you put inside of me? It's still there. Then a timer goes off

and she pops it out of her vagina. It's done now. And then of course you eat it for breakfast. Oh man, a bag of popcorn. Hey, fantastic. It's popped into 15, then, of course, you eat it for breakfast. Oh, man, a bag of popcorn. Hey, fantastic. It's popped into 15,000 little dicks.

I wish. No, I did. I lost my virginity to a gay guy. He was not gay at the time, but he definitely was gay at the time. And, you know, they say they can't keep it up, but they can. You can force it in. I mean, no, there's plenty of gay dads around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, maybe your father, because he demanded his son whip out his dick and piss on a fence, and God knows in some communities that's quite the erotic action. Is it? Yes.

I don't know if that's true. Is that an urban legend? It just never happened. It never happened. It happened, Jared. It with the Is that an urban legend? It just never happened It never happened It happened Jared It doesn't even constitute an urban legend It's straight up just Mythbusters did that show

Can you get electrocuted from pissing on the third rail? They did it And what happened? You're right It is different from an electric fence I think electric fences have way more electricity Than the third rail of a subway station They just work differently.

What a psych. They work differently, Jared. You get fatter as you speak, Jared. You're too far away. You literally are blowing up, and I feel like we need to be, we're going to be outside the building by the time you're done. You're like a Stay Puft marshmallow man, just getting bigger and bigger. Oh, man.

I was talking about- Oh, you're adorable, Jared. I apologize for that. No, you don't have to apologize. I do get fatter as I speak. All right, all right. Take it easy. Lose 10 pounds. Don't talk for 30 seconds.

Super power. Oh my goodness. Oh, you should have seen the gaze he gave him. Oh, it was just the creepiest. What's that? Jared gave me? Yeah, yeah. When he said that sentence. Well, God no. That's another guest being chubby and he got all upset about it.

It's a whole disaster. Did you notice that the gay fellow was different with you? Did you have to constantly do it with the butt up in his face or anything like that? Well, you didn't know what you were doing anyway. Yeah, no, that was the thing. So I guess, I mean, I was a quote-unquote lesbian for a while, but that's, I think they could tell with me, though. Yeah, that's the thing.

He's got to tune in. Explore the gay. Yeah, that has been explored at length. Have we talked about you being a lesbian? Well, I mean, we've talked about your sexual experiences. Scissoring doesn't work. We've talked about the scissoring. What about the social aspect of it?

You have to have a gigantic clit to scissor correctly, right? I don't know. Is that it? Maybe. I don't know. I think it might have to stick out through your labias for it to actually work. How big's your clit, Jackie? Not sticking out of my labias.

This is the moment that Henry turns off the program like he did two weeks ago. Actually, no. I talked to a girl about this on the 4th of July. A girl that was a lesbian who's actually a very big listener of the show. Oh, okay. Buxom? What's that? Buxom? No. What's her name? It doesn't matter of the show. Oh, okay. Buxom? What's that? Buxom?

No. What's her name? It doesn't matter. Lesbian woman. We love you at the round table here, lesbian woman. And I asked her about scissoring, if it worked, and her answer was sometimes. What she says is that women have much stronger, lower bodies. Their legs are a lot stronger than men's.

I can fucking leg press more than Jackie. On average. Yeah, that's true. I'm just not very strong, though, so that doesn't count. I'll leg press. I don't know. Any of our listeners, I can leg press more than. I bet I could leg press more than you. I'm talking women.

I'm talking women. What a ballsy challenge you've laid out, Eddie. Big Stinky Eddie's going to out leg press all you chicks. All you chicks. Come on to the Coney Island. We should do it in Coney. August 12th, Coney Island.

Stinky Eddie versus all you chicks. Leg pressing competition. Winner gets free crawfish from Eddie next year at the Crawfish Boil. Marcus was going to tell us the secret of scissoring, I think. Yeah, I already did. It's just like leg muscles and angling. And it also does have to do with the size of a woman's clit. It can't be buried up in there.

I have good information. Where's the information from, Jared? Oh, various and sundry sources. The woman with the largest clit. Very well read. I just feel like you can probably do it, but I just got too lazy. At that point, I'm like, I just want to get off.

I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be done. Being a lesbian is just an incredibly inefficient way to go about life. I know, man. I want it inside of me. I need something inside of me. Taking the long way home. I saw three lesbians on the G-Train platform and two of them were hugging and kissing

and there was just the ugliest, fattest lesbian just alone. And that's a sad scene. She should have went home. If she was alone, how did you know she was a lesbian? Because she had no breasts, she was fat, she was wearing a bandana, short hair like Hillary Clinton circa fucking 96. There go the lesbian listeners we just got.

No, our lesbian listeners are looking in the mirror being like, check, check, check. She was a lesbian. Ben got it right. And short shorts like I'm wearing right now. Army boots. She's a fucking lesbian, Jared. What do you want me to say? Either way,

she would probably date you. You're the only man who could turn a lesbian straight. I firmly believe that, Jared. What do you want me to say? Either way, she would probably date you. You're the only man who could turn a lesbian straight. I firmly believe that, Jared. You have a supple body. I don't know. Holden would give him a good run for his money. Yummy, yum. Every time you do that, it kind of makes...

It gives me like... They're always like, quit using your teeth so much. Holden and I wingman each other at lesbian bars. I want to see you and Holden scissor. Holy lord, that would be hot. My dick's not big enough, too. Get a good ball lock going.

You have to get the balls in a proper lock. It looks like DNA. You're going to double helix the balls. Everyone, double helix your balls right now. You're going to double helix the balls. Everyone double helix your balls right now. You'll cum immediately. That would be pretty sweet. Dude, I cum buckets, bro.

Oh, man. There was this horrible porno my buddy the Rebel had back in college called Buckets of Cum. Oh, God. What happened? What was the plot? It was one chick and 99 dudes, something like that. 99? Eric, could you ever be guy number 34 in a Bukkake situation?

Here's my thoughts on that. Thank you. Thank you so much. He had it written down. Just whipped out a scroll. Yeah, exactly. First guy's in Bukkake, you're jerking off a girl's face. Eventually, you're just coming in gay puddles.

Eventually, so many dudes are on there that they're just making a nightmare snowman. It's like sitting at a gym class and making a spit pile for the other fat kid. Wait, what? A spit pile? A spit pile? You spit on the fat kid. Spit on the fat kid.

Sometimes fat kids sit at a gym class and they sit off to the side and you see, you get with the other fat kid and you guys try to make the biggest pile of spit. You spit together and you see how much spit you can make. You can definitely spit on the kids. You guys never did spit piles? No, I was the fat

kid. I was the fat kid too! No, they spit. You don't get spit on. That would be better though. The fat kid spit? You spit on the floor. You try to make the most spit. I think I was reading Alice in Wonderland. Oh! And not tripping on LSD, too.

No, no. I mean, it just seems like a very specific experience. I just thought it was common. No. I mean, God knows. It was common for me. Every group of kids does something real bizarre. I mean, in hindsight, when I was growing up, we did a lot of gay-ass stuff.

You know, a lot of... Oh, yeah. You think about the stuff you used to do, like, you know, like dudes giving each other massages and stuff. Oh, yeah. You think about the stuff he used to do, like dudes giving each other massages and stuff. Oh, my. Speaking of which, July 4th, Schaefer, who I gave that coke massage to four years ago, turns out that's a gay thing to do.

I went over to the bar he met Mara for the first time. I think he's actually gay. Schaefer? Yeah, who works at the Four Faces. You guys don't know who he is. Nonetheless. Are we outing a dude on the round table? Yeah. No, we're not

because it's Ben's gay door which is like... Do-rag! Faggot! Whoa, whoa, buddy. Only if that do-rag is attached to a big guy with no prisms.

Why do you think he's gay? Because he was staring at me like, man. And it felt like I got like suddenly aroused. I am every guy's type, Jackie. You were massaging a dude's back.

You were doing that. Thank you, Kevin. I mean, he massaged my back. He's got strong hands. He can do a better job. Everybody loves it. If you get back, you're homophobia. Sometimes you need a dude to get in there, man.

Really? Back in the day, I had dudes massage my back all the time. Oh, tell us about it, Kevin. Let's dig deeper. I would like to hear about this. No, because it's not gay if you're getting massaged by a dude, man. Sometimes you just niggas need his back massage. Oh, seems to me.

I got these tight-ass shoulder blades, man. Is that what he told you? He's so strong. He can get away with more than we can. Such tight shoulder blades. No, you guys ever do that thing where you get done with a game, and then your dad's your friend's dad

sticks his dick into your asshole and pumps over and over and over until he comes? Yeah! Boy, that was... That is an urban legend. No, I never had my... My friend's parents always hated me. I wish they would have liked me a little bit more.

Really? Yeah, sure. Why not? I was the bad kid. My mom likes you. Yeah, but your mom's a raging lunatic. My mom hates a lot of people. She actually likes you. She's a raging lunatic. Hey, well, you know. I'll tell you one thing.

Mama Kathleen, I love you to death. So if you ever want to ditch Eddie as a son, I'm looking for a new mama. And I would love to be your child. Why does she have to ditch me? We can just be brothers. No, you just like, you be her husband now. You to be your child. Why does she have to ditch me? We can just be brothers. No, you just like, you be her husband now. You'll be my dad. And we'll just have, so you guys obviously will sleep in the same bed with your mother

and touch her and all those things. Because you're her husband now. And I'll just watch television on the outside. I slept in the same bed as my mom recently. It was so weird. How did you do that? I haven't done it since I was like five. There was nowhere else to sleep.

I couldn't do that. It was fucked up. The floor, man. I was curled up in the corner, bottom of the just curled up in a weird spot. You know, moms fart all the time. I used to sleep with mom until I was 13. What? Long ass time. Yeah, it's a really long time.

She had to kick me off the teat at three. I really enjoyed my mother's body. I just like to be by my mom. And then finally at 13, my dad had a sit-down conversation with me, being like, it's weird if you sleep with my wife. And I was like, okay, fellow man, I won't sleep with your wife anymore. You know, stuff like that. Either way, she was a great cuddler.

Really disturbing. Why? But I believe all of it yeah it's an urban legend no no everyone does that I mean you everyone every boy has a bizarre situation with her mother when I was younger I lived up was I have a couple of sisters and they lived with my dad I lived with my mom in an apartment complex and my mom looks pretty young so everybody thought when i was in high school that we were a couple who hot oh yeah yeah and then your mother was just like join me in a three-way with this chick i cut with and then i cried it was good oh nice i love your mama

jared what's the oldest gal you've been with uh when i was 25, I dated a woman who was 36. Whoa! That's old. That's good. I was telling these guys about it before we started the show. She would say all the right things. Yeah. Do you know what I mean by that? We would be having sex and she'd be saying things like, oh, it's so deep. Oh, yeah. And I would think in my head, like, oh, it's not

that deep, but thank you. I appreciate it. She's looking at the Pizza Rino Uno medium pizza that you guys just ordered. What's the weirdest thing? It's the biggest pepperoni I've ever seen. I hooked up with a girl a couple times who was like 37. I was 24. But the thing was, she was rich as fuck. She had a piano in her house, but she never gave me no money.

That's what I thought that was going to happen. I got no money out of it. You didn't play the piano enough for her. She played, though. She was great. She was amazing at piano. I feel shitty. It's tough to date an older woman when you're in your 20s as a dude because you missed her great years

and she's only getting older. Women all get very ugly when they get older. It's not possible for women to stay attractive. It is impossible, Jared. Because as men we get more money, so it's like that's an intern on. Women, it's like, who cares how much money you have? You're nasty. You're like

Andrea Pizer for the Post. Jesus, Ben. Good lord, Ben. Oh my god, okay. So, why isn't the 18... Opinions that are expressed from around the table. You don't like some older women? No, not like 50, 60. No, I mean... I'm with Ben. Fuck old ladies. They suck. They don't suck, not like 50, 60. No. I'm with Ben.

Fuck old ladies. They suck. They don't suck, and that's the problem. They're mean, and they're very concerned with the rules all the time. Do you know what I mean? They're always like, let you know if you're breaking some tiny law. You're not supposed to stand here when you're waiting for the subway. Well, fuck you. Let me do what I want.

Let me die on my own. Thank you. Where are you not supposed to stand when you're waiting for the subway. Well, fuck you! Let me do what I want. Let me die on my own. Where are you not supposed to stand when you're waiting for the subway? How will they tell you don't stand on the yellow rail while you're pissing on it? Yeah, they'll tell you not to stand on the stairs of the subway. They'll tell you, there's this woman right outside of my apartment I can hear all the time screaming at kids for

chaining their bike up against the tree. Not even her fence. The fucking sign in front of her fence. So she'd be screaming at them. They're just like, Lady, I can chain my bike here. And they're just like, Okay, do it.

She's a fucking nightmare woman. So imagine trying to fuck that at night. Gotta do something with it. Oh my goodness. The argument of if women get more attractive with age or if they don't is... Helen Mirren. Yeah, but Helen Mirren is one in a million, and she gets to work out every day.

And she has huge cacao. Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone's still looking good. She's looking fine. Sophia Loren. All right, you guys have named three chicks, and I officially have changed my... Four women. Dame Judi Dench.

Uh-huh. Woody Allen. Does he count too? He is about a 90-year-old chick these days. I used to work, like, when I was in, after I graduated, I was only down there for like four months in Palm Beach. I was training. I was a trainer at this gym in Palm Beach. And all the women that came in there were like 50-something.

They had kids my age. Half the time I'd be talking to them. They're like, yeah, I just graduated from Florida State. Like, yeah, I got kids at Florida State right now. And they were like 50-something and just like ridiculously fine. And this is after four years of training at Florida State, and they were killing all the girls there. Did you ever get with one of them? Nah, man, I was whack.

I ain't got no game. You've got to get that game that you've always been talking about. You have game somewhere inside. It's under your hat. talking about? You have games somewhere inside. It's under your hat. It might be. You never know. Jackie, you ever been with an elderly fella? No, I actually haven't.

Rich ones, but not older. They want nothing to do with me. I'm too young. What's the oldest guy you've ever been with? 28. Oh, that's nothing. Let's change it right now. 28. Oh, that's nothing. Holy Lord. Let's change it right now. Eddie, Jackie, on the table.

Let's go. 29. All right. Eddie has just mounted upon Jackie. Jackie, how you feeling? Ouch. Ouch. It's no good.

Eddie. It was bad. Eddie, you put a penis inside of you, not your foot. And he's done. All right. I'm dizzy. Oh, man, I'm dizzy. And Jackie's officially the oldest person Eddie's ever had sex with.

It's time for a nice nap. Okay. Oh, wake up, Grandpa Eddie. Hey, you guys want to hear about how Ben shit in a river today? Yes. I shit in a river today. It was amazing. I shit downstream.

Well, first of all... How do you shit upstream? With your brain power. No, you show your anus to the river and you say, Come into me! Come into me! And then you possess its power. Next thing you know, you're like a superhero. You shit.

Yeah, exactly. So why did you shit in the river and not the woods? Well, there wasn't many woods. It's a little bit more urban. Yeah, a little bit. It's pretty close. Yeah, me and Ben went. So you walked into a river in a city and shitting it?

It wasn't in a city. It's in the middle of the woods. But yeah, someone's got to receive the gift. God knows. It's like a campground. Who leaves Christmas gifts underneath some sort of car? That's not bad, though. He just shits.

That was bad. He shit in a river, though. Add it to the list. Cleans you right up. Man, you should have seen his face. He looked so pleased and nervous all at the same time. His face was bright red. Did you watch him shit?

Yeah, I looked him right in the eye. Everyone did, and I'm staring at them right in their eyes. If everyone's already watching you, why are you shitting in the river? Because they said shit, shit, shit, shit Everyone's cheering me on To shit in the river And it's like I gotta shit in the river We actually did cheer him on quite a bit

Did Mara cheer him on too? She was like holding my hand That's beautiful They were singing that to her brother They were like we went down to the river to pray It was like he baptized his own shit It was beautiful Were you squatting at the edge?

No, I was inside of a major current It was a huge current that we were camped outside of Because we weren't camping And we crashed a car We totaled a traverse We totaled that total. A Traverse. We totaled that car. Yeah. Or a Traverse. So I just knelt down in there, dropped the old drawers.

And it was like God's bidet. It was super nice. And really, I've never had a cleaner tush in my life. I feel satisfied. And I feel like this has been touched by the Lord. It was the Lord's pinky that wiped the shit out of my ass today. And I must say, it's probably the oldest person I've ever had sex with. I mean, God knows.

Old Man River. That's how God meant for people to shit. In a river. Yeah, absolutely. Marcus and I went camping this weekend, and on Friday we got hit by a semi-truck, which was pretty amazing. And I will say, the only experience I took away from it was the New Jerseyans are total assholes. They're the worst. Standing on the side of the road, our car is totaled.

There's a taxi driver, black chick driver. Her name is Shauna. Nice gal. Turns out she's all right. She cuts out in front of Mara, who's driving the car. Skids right in front. Does like a torpedo type thing. Nails the wall.

The car was like, if Kevin unfurled his huge cock and put it on this table, what your brain would be doing is what the car was doing. Just out of control. Just spinning around. I don't know what to do. I'm out of control.

Yeah, exactly. So we turn over and Maura avoids it. Get hit, boom, by a semi-truck. We have to pull over. So we pull over on the side of the road. Two cars, two white cars, pull up. Hey, learn how to drive, asshole.

Only in New Jersey do you get heckled after you've nearly lost your life. Yeah. We're on the side of the road. There's broken glass everywhere. The cars are all fucked up. We lost 24 beers, which is the only thing the cops cared about, by the way. To be fair, Ben was doing material, though, on the side of the road. So that did. Whoa, whoa, Ben was doing material, though, on the side of the road. So that did...

Whoa! Whoa! I was doing some great bits! I was doing some of my best! It doesn't necessarily translate well on grass. That's the problem. I blame the stage. But that was a pretty awesome weekend.

We got wasted at a Hojo's. And we went to a Hojo's that night. That's Howard Johnson, by the way. When was it called Hojo? He kept a Hojo's. And we went to a Hojo's that night. That's Howard Johnson, by the way. When was it called Hojo? He kept saying Hojo before. I was like, Howard Johnson, when did you become a movie star? All of a sudden. Now you're Hojo, Howard Johnson?

That was in Hojo's. Hojo? That's what you made time for BW3's B-dubs. No, but I never heard of Hojo. Hojo's great. Hojo was Howard Johnson's nickname when he played for the Mets. But that's a different Howard Johnson. Well, there we go.

So we're at this hotel and we get drunk, get wasted that night. Just fucking loving life. Got drunk in the tow yard. Oh my goodness. Right after, yeah, with this dude Alberto. So we're in the tow yard. This guy, Alberto. Fantastic fellow.

We're slamming suds, having a good time. Going to the bathroom to piss. My favorite magazine I've ever seen it's called American Towman T-O-W-M-A-N American Towman

on the cover is a guy named Bill Johnson we thought of you immediately Jared literally looks right like you if you were right

outside of a Mack truck and it just says first on the scene and you open it up and it's all tow truck driver stories and it just makes you

realize how small the world is so it's like we worry about all these stupid fucking websites that don't, and it's all tow truck driver stories. And it just makes you realize how small the world is. So it's like, we worry about all these stupid fucking websites that don't matter. And it's like, there's a magazine called American Towmen. And to somebody in the world, that's the publication you get every month. You made it in Towmen, it just makes you realize how fucking nothing any of this shit is. Because there's a magazine called American Towmenman and nobody cares about what you're doing. Either way, it was amazing. We ate chicken wings and

shat in a river. That's pretty much the end of that story. But you had a good time, Marcus. Oh, I had a great time. We woke up the next morning and the whole hotel that morning, for some reason, whole place gummed up with Haitian. Gummed up? Marcus kept on being like, oh,

we can't use the elevator. It's gummed up with Haitians. What kind of term is that? It's the right term, man. I knew once I told Kevin that the elevator was all gummed up with Haitians. He'd know exactly what I was talking about. Yeah, I knew exactly what you meant. I've been in that situation far too many times in my life. I just hated my way out of it. Were they just walking like raptors? They were all dressed really nicely

and they all had these name tags. Oh, I knew they were Haitian. You want them to burn his mouth? Somehow his coffee had a chicken in it. Just a chicken foot coming out of it. It's the racist hour on the round table of gentlemen. Come on in. White only. And Kevin.

I might actually be wrong about this, but this is my deductive reasoning. They all had name tags that were written in French, which I think France is the language of Haiti. And they were all super black. I just don't understand the super black comment. He was trying to say it in the car and really trying to win everybody over with it. Just trying to win everyone over with it.

But they were super black. It's like, what does that mean? Because they were black. They had were super black. It's like, what does that mean? Because they were black. They had extremely dark skin. Their skin was dark of tone. What's that? Their skin was dark of tone. Yeah, their skin was dark of tone.

That's not racist to say. No, it's not racist. It's just not like a thing. Super black is hard. I feel like that's a term you can say. It was super black. They were fucking black. I feel like super black means that they were doing 360 dunks on some basketball hoop or something.

Super black, that guy. Unbelievable. That's like the type of black when they go out in the sun and they turn purple. It's just too black. Right. What were we going to say, Eric? I was just going to say deep black, not like Sinbad black. Oh, I see. They weren't wearing puffy pants.

They were Haitian black. I think the blacks that have a lighter skin tone are more attractive though don't you i think you're right here that's by far the most racist shit i've ever heard but very true in hollywood's world that's why it's always so funny when you hear uh what's that chick's name she was storm and x-men hallie berry i read this whole article by hallie berry talking about how she had it so hard because she was black. And it's like

you are a beautiful woman. Halle Berry has never seen a bad day in her fucking life. That's the thing. When did anybody tell her that she was rejected because she was black? It's not possible. She's gorgeous. When she got the reviews for Gothica. Well, I like that reference. I don't like this movie. It didn't have a

black chick in it. That's why I loved Urban Legends Why would an all-white movie the entire family can enjoy? And... Are you throwing it to Holden for the thing? It's time for a segment from Holden McNeil Oh no, it's the round table time capsule Oh no Generations in the future, possibly aliens aliens, by the way. Possibly alien

sentinel beings will find this shit or put it into a capsule. Two things. You know, really just, we'll keep it kind of loose. Some of it represents yourself. Some of it represents the round table. I'm going to start it off real quick. I was going to go with a copy of the game Final Fantasy 7 to represent myself.

Then I realized I don't have enough money to throw down for the PS1. So I'm just going to get the strategy guide. And they kind of read it like it's a book. They'll read the game. He's been playing video games alone all weekend. Hey, how was the show on Saturday, by the way? Murder Fist had an amazing show at the pit. Go check it out.

We sold it out. Awesome. And then to represent the round table, I'm going to throw in some poopy. And by poopy, I mean donkey meat. Cheers to that. To represent the round table, I'm going to throw in some poopy. And by poopy, I mean donkey meat. Aw, hey! Cheers to that. Speaking of donkey meat,

Eddie, what are you throwing in? Oh, man, I don't even know. Usually I get to wait to the end for these things. We're zip zapping today. We'll be going for like an hour. You know what I'll do? This is the end. I'm going to put a six pack of Tecate in there.

Oh, come on. Case six pack of Tecate in there. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. A case. Yeah. A case of Tecate and a bottle of whiskey. For you? And a half a joint. Nice.

Beautiful. That's it? They're going to get fucked up. And a pitcher of tits. There you go. Yay! But they're mine. I'm loving this time capsule right now.

I'll tell you, Holden, you always have the best segments. Jackie, what's going on with you? All right, so to represent my time on the round table, I'm going to obviously have a, I guess, a vibrator with no batteries in it. So they'll just wonder what I did with it And be like why would she stick this inside of her If it doesn't even vibrate And then the thing to represent me Is going to be an empty bottle

Of lube Because I just squirted it out Into the table because I don't fucking need it Because I'm wet as shit Yeah Yeah God that's hot Yeah Yeah God that's hot That was literally me forgetting about the heat segment

No I didn't give it a look What we're going to do is We're going to isolate the Jackie saying I'm wet as shit And we're going to use it as Henry's alarm clock I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit Alright Ben what are you putting in I'm wet as shit. I'm wet as shit. I'm wet as shit.

Alright, Ben, what are you putting in? We'll put in a microphone. Because that's what we're used to talking to. Out of the capsule, Ben! I don't know what to put into the thing. I literally don't. I don't know how to harness the things that it's done to me, the round table. Maybe the trophy that you were raped with.

Maybe my rape trophy. We got to get your rape trophy. We'll throw the rape trophy in there so you can lick on that. A microphone. That should just about do it. And Jackie's parts. Jackie's juice. A mason jar

of Jackie's wet. It hurts slop. Jackie's wet. Her slop. Jackie's slop. That's something good. Definitely need a spoon for it. Eric, have you listened to the round table? I have a bit. You have a bit?

What would you put in? As a fan perspective and a chuckle-hutter, what are you going to put in? And then Kevin, of course. Kevin has to think about it because he didn't fucking hear about it before. I have no idea what it is. All right, Kevin, of course. Kevin has to think about it, because he didn't fucking hear about it before. I have no idea what it is. All right, Kevin, you're up.

Burschum's out. You're in. All right, man, I'm in. I'll sign his rape trope. I would put in all of Holden's broken bones after I've broken them. Yeah! And then the description of his also broken dreams. I don't want to represent that. That's what I would do.

That's all you've got to put in there. Jared, you want to put anything into the time capsule? Jeez. Wait, it has to represent the round table? It can represent yourself. Something for Jared Logan. Letting him know that you were one time in the room. Generations in the future will see this.

Something that I really want them to see about our society today. Yeah, Jared. Season 9 of Frasier. All Jared. Season 9 of Frasier. All right, season 9 of Frasier it is. And you know what? That's it. Unless Eric has anything, that is it. That's the end of the show.

That's the end of the show. All right. Jackie Zabrowski. I don't like it. Holden McNeil. Kevin Burnett. Ben Kissel. Thank you, Jared. Thank you for being here.

Thank you, Eric Bergstrom. Thank you. Marcus Parks. Yo. And I'll tell you one thing. We'll talk to you next week. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking against it. Yes! Is that right?