The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 55: The Standing Ovation

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

The Clap! It's the enemy to the promiscuous all over the world. But thanks to Japan, a new extra-resistant strain has been discovered, right in time for them to beat us in the World Cup. Tune in to find out which member of the Round Table has had the regular strain twice, plus we've got an extremely uncomfortable segment in which the Round Table tells you all about "The Talk" they're going to be giving to their kids. In the Chuckle Hut this week we've got writer John Ryman to give us many amazing bon mots.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You're on pair tonight. Alright. Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for giving us this fantastic Sunday. We love you very much. Unfortunately, you

love the Japanese slightly more than you do the American ladies. The ladies of the U.S. just lost a soccer match and I'm reeling. Hope, baby, it wasn't your fault. I love you. Hope, you're a fantastic gal, and the Lord has blessed you with an amazing, what do we call it? Bosoms. No, not bosoms. Shoulders.

Everything. Every part of her. Every section of her I lick until it was gone. Alright, well, Eddie, take the prayer from there. I'm with you. Well, dear Lord, thank you so much for that fantastic goalie, Hope, and I'm happy that you were able to arouse two of my very, very good friends with you. Well, dear Lord, thank you so much for that fantastic goalie hope. And I'm happy that you were able to arouse two of my very, very good friends with an erection.

And in your name we pray. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody, who is all on this podcast. Jackie Zabrowski, put a nipple on it. Love putting a nipple on it. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely, you fuckers get fucked.

Good words, Holden. Nice job. Vocabulary is on point, man. It's Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. In the Chuckle Hut, we've got the very famous, the very successful, I must say, handsome and dapper, John Reinman. John, thank you so much for being here.

How are you? Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. And John, now you said you never listened to the podcast before. No. I have no idea who any of you are or what this is, but you seem very nice. Well, you seem very nice.

I know some of you guys. We've done shows and stuff. I'm just getting into the podcast now. I'm very late. Well, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, John. We welcome you, and if there's any content that's too vulgar for you... Cut! Alright, that's already enough. See you guys later.

He's gone, everybody! He's gone! I was right in my judgment tonight. No, this is good. It's alright. You won't have a job tomorrow. Alright, and with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us today, my friend? I got a 28-year-old unemployed Utah man named Mork Encino. Mork! Yeah!

Mork's that name. That's a good name. 28-year-old man. He is offering, quote, hearty gentlemen who fancy themselves sportsmen the chance to hunt him down and even kill him for $10,000. Oh, I heard about this fucker. This is Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Yeah, it's an iced tea film, which is surviving the game. It's a hard target as well. Both of you were right. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you. This guy's just laying, the picture is just like a dude laying in the grass. Yeah.

And in fact, the caption of it is, this image taken from More Cansino's website shows him lying in the grass. Very clever. Very clever. Very clever description. Holden, how much are you charging somebody to hunt you in the woods? And how long do you think you're going to survive? Well, it's like, I think I'd have

kind of like a rape clause in there. Maybe they're just going to have their way with me. Oh, that's very nice. And I charge, I pay them $5. You pay them money to rape you? I give them money. Depends on man or woman. Let's say it's a man.

Okay, how large is his fucking sweet rod? Let's say it's about the size of Jackie's. Okay, alright. It's big! It's huge! In other words, it's massive. It's a magnum. I'm sorry, I just thought about the thing with Ed that you told me about the chick with the magnum condoms

Good inside information I'm sorry I'm going to let everyone know I forgot what your answer is going to be anyway We were talking about We knew this girl who was dating this guy And her last boyfriend Before her had a big ass dick

Big fat Fat ass Stinky cock Let it bleed kind of dick well anyway so she had magnum condoms and when her new boyfriend came over and they were about the fuck she she's like uh here he gave him the magnum condoms she's like oh shit i got a big dick that's awesome and so he just like kept buying them and buying them, but he never needed them. They were just all droopy on his dick. That's so sad. That's so sad. And it's like, what do you do?

Yeah, I mean, she should have said something clearly, but I mean, how can you just sit there with this kind of limp, loose glove on your penis? Just make sure you pull out. Yeah, the shit's going to fall off, man. It turns into a female condom at that point. I mean, that's what a female condom

it just stays in there and you like fuck it man you can't get that shit out it's hard to do you have that rubber ring right and you put that in there well no that's uh that's the birth control i'm saying when it went so when you lose a condom inside of you it goes up inside of you and you gotta just wait for it to resurface and you finally fucking see something on your lips. You've got to get fucked by a bigger dick. It's like a piece of gum. It's seven years. That's how long it takes a condom to come out and then you've got to be very careful. And actually then it comes out of my mouth. Yeah, exactly.

You hiccup and you blow a bubble. Breaking a mirror, chewing gum, and then the condom gets tired. Those are the three seven years of it. So Ben, to answer your question, I'd make a man pay $10,000 to hunt me down and rape me. Well, fantastic. Good answer. You ever have to fish a condom out of a chick?

You know what? I never wore one. But I would say... I don't know. The magnum thing is very sad. I did actually wear a condom one time, and I bought magnums when I first was hitting puberty because I thought for some reason that you had to masturbate wear a condom one time, and I bought Magnums when I first was hitting puberty, because I thought for some reason that you

had to masturbate with a condom. So I would actually masturbate into a condom. It's a lot cleaner, though. It is a lot cleaner. Easy cleanup. And I always enjoyed it very, very much. It was a little more sensitive to the testicles, a little more sensitive to the ball, heavy play, and then, of course, you just come

right into that condom, but as soon as you take it off and you realize how much more amazing it is without, you'll never touch them again. You can do it anywhere at that point, though, man. If you got a condom on, you can just jerk off wherever you want, man. That's true. It's safe. School. It's my fucking issue, man, because I hate condoms. I don't know what to do, man. I feel like I'm just, I can't

let it happen. Just pull out and hope she's on birth control. That's the thing. That's the thing. I love to pull out and be like, I'll fire you on birth control! And just fucking blow, you know. But I think the idea of having an STD is a little more terrifying than having to put on a condom, isn't it? I guess. By the way, not a man-dumb guy. Which STD?

What's that? I mean, is it like the clap? Because I've had that twice. That's fine. Okay, so Marcus, describe your clap experience. First of all, it is disgusting what you have and what you just said. Had. Okay, good. You're all clap-free. Fantastic. I'm totally clap-free.

What is the clap like? It just burns when you pee. That's it? Yeah, that's it. It just burns real bad whenever you pee. And there's like, and there might be a little bit of a discharge. See, the discharge is what always freaks me out. What kind of discharge? It's like a little squid.

It's like kind of yellowish, and it just kind of leaks out. And you find it in your underwear. You can feel something kind of like coming out a little bit. I might have had the clap. Yeah, you've had the clap. Jesus Christ.

But would you go back in time and have sex? That's correct. I might have had that. Jesus Christ. But would you go back if you had to go back in time and have sex? I'm self-corrected. I might have had that. It's a medical podcast. I just realized now. You took antibiotics at some point

and they probably cleared it up. I guess so. I don't know. Well, hell, they've got a super strain of the clot now. Have you heard about this shit? I've heard about that

and it scares the fuck out of me. What's this about? I think I have easy clap. It's resistant to antibiotics. All antibiotics. Really? I think we should start calling it the standing ovation. Absolutely.

No longer a nice Henny Youngman clap. We're talking a Louis C.K. It's worse than that. It is big. Yeah, we found it in fucking Japan, of course. Of course. Yeah, there goes my fucking tourist trips for next year. Well, that's the thing. You love the Japanese gals. Yeah, we found it in fucking Japan, of course. Of course. Yeah, there goes my fucking tourist trips for next year. Well, that's the thing.

You love the Japanese gals. Yeah, I do. That's your problem. You're going to get the forever clap. Would you go back, if you had to go back in time and have sex with a gal without a condom and get the clap, or know that you're going to get the clap and have sex with a chick without, whatever, what are you going to do? With a condom made out of metal.

Oh, well, a metal condom. Yeah, spikes? With a condom made out of metal. Oh, well, a metal condom. Yeah, spikes. With a condom made out of metal. Of course, I'd still get the clap if it was a condom made out of metal. Regardless, though. But if it was, you know... Regardless, would you fuck her with a big metal dick?

You know what? To tell you the truth... God, you just giggled like a schoolgirl. Like a scorpion? Like a scorpion. I just want it. I mean, really, the hassle of going to the doctor's office and having to get the antibiotics and everything. If the sex would have been better.

Was it bad sex? It wasn't. I mean, you know, any sex without a condom is going to be pretty good. But, you know, I was drunk. Would you suck the doctor's dick? Yeah. I got a discount on those antibiotics. How long did it last

How long did you have it for I went a good like 2-3 weeks Before I was like Yeah okay I have to go to college I was in college I was like 1920 You don't really know what the fuck

I fucking grew up in sexes We don't have fucking sex education I couldn't imagine having that here in the summertime without AC. I'm sweating. Dick's leaking. Oh, fuck. It sucks. You gotta go to the bathroom.

Much less. Awful. The discharge sounds very disgusting. I'm very fortunate. Never in STD. I don't know how I avoided such plagues. I think it's just, you know, you've got to go for the last gal at the bar. The last gal at the bar has never been touched by a man. I think it's bad advice. It's real bad advice.

It's not bad advice. I got the clap from the last girl at the bar. You fucked my girlfriend! You fucked my girlfriend, Marcus! Do not touch her! She is very nice. So it was the last call broad, huh? Yeah, it was one of those girls that had always wanted to fuck me, but I didn't ever want to fuck her.

So I was really wasted at this bar one night. And, you know, we go back to her place and I don't have a condom. It's like, okay. Whatever. It was almost like a perfunctory type thing. It's like, yeah, I need to fuck. I want to fuck a girl. Because it's like, fuck you.

Fuck you, Marcus. Oh, this chick wanted to fuck me forever, and I kept on turning her down. Good. I'm so happy you got the clap. I have never once been in this situation. You've never turned down a girl, Ben? No! What girl has ever approached me?

I will back him up on this. I've been around Ben when he was single. He has never turned down a girl. But I will say, only very attractive women hit on me. The beast that would leave this man's room in the morning. Are you insane? Oh my god, horrible, just like witch.

Like burger women. If you know what I'm talking about. Burger women? They were very nice and they loved all of you very much and thank you for that. There's a picture that one girl you showed me, like Dr. Robotnik's body, man. I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm a dude

I haven't had standards in years, and you've done some amazing things. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin. You spun it nicely. John, have you ever been actively pursued by a woman? Because it's shocking when a man is actually... What are you talking about? Men don't get pursued like women get pursued.

So when a woman does pursue you, you're like, what is wrong with you? Why do you like me? You must be flawed. Well, I mean, I think for me it's that I'm engaged. I'm engaged. I'm getting married this fall. Oh, congratulations. We've got love on the air.

None of you are invited. No, just kidding. First of all, let me go on here. For anyone that's listening, I'm actually sharing a mic here with Holden. Everyone else is on mic. So it's like we're doo-wop singers from the 50s. At some point, we're both going to have an idea and get a concussion.

I've been waiting for that my whole life. I'm sure that was very funny what you were going to say. For me, it's like I think back to college. To this day, I graduated six to college. To this day, I graduated six years ago.

To this day, I'll have thoughts of times that I was obviously being pursued that I just now realize that's what happened. You know what I had? In one example, I was in class with this girl. I had a crush on her.

Class was cancelled. She skipped on rubbing your penis. Right. That's a telltale sign. That was when class was not canceled, so I should have known. There was class with Sansa one day, and we had like three hours. And I said, what do you want to do? She said, anything.

I'm up for anything. Whoa! So we went to Dunkin' Donuts for two hours. I look back now And that was before they even had munchkins Right, yeah I'm 60 years old And I look back

And it's like, more and more clues Someone's like, really? She didn't even fucking order anything I'm sitting there, I'm like, well I'll get some dough So I'm eating donuts, I'm drinking As I look back I just realize, I just remember And I'll get some dough So I'm eating donuts and drinking And as I look back I just realize I just remember And I remember thinking god these are good donuts

I wonder why she's in such a bad mood This is great we have a couple hours to enjoy Her company and everything That poor woman she just wanted to have sex with you And you took her to a place and just ate donuts in front of her Ate donuts for two hours And it's like and the thing is This is true now where it's like

I have bad cholesterol. I'm only 28 but I have crappy cholesterol already. Donuts, man. And so I look back on that and I'm like, I was fucking myself over when I could have just been fucking somebody. Yeah, like it's like I was making things worse. Yeah, you fucked up in like two

different ways. But I mean like, guys, wouldn't you say that you look back? You look back at times where it's like, women did pursue you, but it's like, unless it's someone that's in our scope, unless it's the one girl we want, if it's anyone outside of Yeah, that's true. But at the time, though, I feel like this, they act like it's my fault, but these bitches need to show some initiative, man. That's what I'm saying, man.

They need to be more aggressive. How are you, anything is anything. Anything is me eating donuts and dunking donuts. Tell me you want to have sex with me. Exactly. That's the thing. I think it's just like, especially you figure, you know, we go to college. I think everyone, did you have that seminar, your orientation, where the guy comes in and tells you about hooking up?

We had a guy come in and he told us about this story about how this guy, this girl, he went back to her place. And the girl was in a blackout. And so they hooked up. And the guy left a note to say, oh, this is me, Renard. You can call the next day. And she did. And he went to jail for rape for two years. Really?

And that was what's instilled in our brain. And you have that thing in your head. So the message is, if you're going to rape a chick in a blackout, don't leave your number. That was the first lesson I took from it. But it's also, I think we have that thing where it's like if you're a nice guy if you're like like i was always too safe i was always like i don't know like even yeah not sure yeah she's uh she might be yeah she is topless and talking to me right now sure but uh and maybe she's hot right that's the thing i mean if the pants come off then i'll start thinking about it but boom

i don't know yeah this is what my number. I wish I could go back to my middle and high school self and say, hey, it's not that all the girls go after the assholes. It's that all the girls don't like pussies. You know what I'm saying? It's because those assholes quote-unquote exhibit something called confidence. They go after the girls.

Yeah, I mean, it's like the number one. It was like, no, yeah, exactly. I'm a nice guy. I did that whole thing. I'm just a nice guy. That's why they don't. No, it's because I'm fucking pussy, and I won't ask a chick out on a date, you know? Or show them my dick or something like that. Well, then you're going to go to jail for two years for rape.

Yeah, worth it. Totally worth it. Loved it. Who got to fucking smash first? You know what I'm saying? I'm fucking the coolest of the boys. I guess in college it sort of flips because yeah,

in high school it was the same way. It was just like, I cannot talk to that chick that I love the most. There's this one gal her name was Lindsay and the only time

that I ever told her that I loved her was on my senior picture. Remember Senior Picture Exchange Day? And I wrote this huge thing that went over all three of my pictures

and one of the pictures was me next to a wooden fence. Another one I had a shirt. I believe I had a cowboy hat on. Actually. I'm fairly certain I was wearing a cowboy. It was from Wisconsin. You know, so I was just milking a teat in one of them. A cow's teat. And that was the only time I ever told her that I really cared

for her. And it just still makes me so embarrassed. What happened? Nothing. Because she moved away because we all moved. Yeah, that's the thing she moved away because we all moved. Yeah, that's the thing. Four years and she was tall. And now she's very attractive. She has tattoos.

She looks sort of like that Hope gal for the female soccer team. Wow. She does. I don't think you could do that. She doesn't look like you, baby. Hope Solo is a fine gal. I bet you I could land Hope Solo. Oh, yeah.

I still believe that I could Get any single chick That I want on the face Of the earth That's good Really That's why I'm a psychopath It's the confidence That's the confidence though

It's the asshole You're also a huge asshole It's good to have dreams man But you do wait Until the end sometimes Because there's not That awkwardness of You know if you say

You never have to get rejected Yeah Then it's like What if you say no Then you gotta deal with it The rest of the time And just Here's the thing So the last day of school You just tell her her that you love her, and you know you have the summer.

So you go into the fetus attitude, like, either way, I'm not fucking this chick. But at least I'll do it in a classy way where I won't be embarrassed. I mean, it's just the thing of it, though, is that, you know, rejection, like, as if, I feel like I thought that if getting rejected, she was going to be like, no, I'm not interested. And then literally a bullet would fly through my chest. Exactly. And I would bleed out for the next like, that is like getting, oh man, getting rejected is fine now.

Yeah, who gives a fuck, man? I laugh about it. All the time. All the time. All the time. But there is like, but I mean, I'll play in the numbers. Yeah, you just have, right.

You're in a relationship, right? I am in now, yeah. Two and a half years. Two years, yeah. About the same time. You're already engaged? Mar right? I am now, yeah. Two and a half years. Two years, yeah. About the same time. You're already engaged? Mara, that is not normal what John's doing, honey. You're not supposed to get engaged after two years, baby.

Just love the distance. Love our distance. What are the three things you love most about her, Ben? Her eyes, and then her brain, and then a couple of other things. and then her brain and then a couple of other things. But it's like once you're in

the relationship though then it's like you have the confidence. Right. Then it really is. It's almost like when you get your first job or anything like that

then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I could do anything. I could do this. I could do this. Whatever. I mean, that's how it all seems.

I'm in a relationship now whenever I see a hot chick I just feel like I could really bang her just because, you know, I'm just so charming. But in reality it's only because that one girl happens to just so charming. But in reality, it's only because that one girl happens to like me.

You know, it's very sad. You got the scent on you, man. It's the scent. They smell it. Are you still, like, irked? Are you still upset when there's a girl that clearly has no interest that's just not nice to you? I just don't even pretend that they don't. I find it hilarious. Whenever a girl has no interest in me whatsoever, I just laugh and her fucking...

Oh, you can do anything. Eddie is a, can I say where you her fucking... Oh, you can do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eddie is a... Can I say where you work? Or not... Yeah. Eddie works... He's a manager and he works with a whole bunch of beautiful waitresses. Village Porehouse.

Come on down and get some drinks. And he's wearing the shirt right now. And so he's just constantly surrounded by unbelievably attractive women who he just... His job is to tell them what to do. So I think that sort of completely debunks the myth that they're unapproachable. As soon as you're like, you didn't clean the toilet, Teresa. It's just like, oh, she's no longer. Is there a girl named Teresa?

No, no, no. And they don't clean the toilets. Oh, okay, whatever. Oh, they're not Mexican busboys? I'm sorry. And they probably don't clean the toilets either. I've never been like going and getting a drink at your work. I've never been so comfortable around insanely hot girls

because it's just like, there's just no way. Like, I'm hanging out with a dude because they're just so out of my league, it's like impossible. Yeah, you don't fucking care at all. No, no, not at all. I love saying the worst things to them too. Yeah, no, clearly. Meanest shit. Meanest thing I could think of. Man, it's funny.

And everybody who comes in there too is just like, I feel like they really think they can fuck those chicks, you know. It's just so hilarious. Who fucks those girls? The Yankees! Literally the New York Yankees come into where Eddie's worked and have sex with all of his staff.

It's insane. Well, now invite the Yankees. Not Mario Rivera. Mario, you're a good Christian man, and I respect you. He's building homes. He never came to the restaurant. Well, you know to the restaurant Well you know I mean you know people random people fuck them A lot of them are boyfriends

Most of them are already married up But yeah I would never Date a woman I work with They wouldn't date you man It doesn't even matter Yeah but don't you have those fantasies I've had those office fantasies I don't know I just don't get it at work.

I'm just so angry all the time. Hey, what's my pussy smell like? I worked at Hooters for two years, you know? So it's just like, I just don't get that. Oh, yeah, that's right. Because I get so mad at them all the time. You've always worked at play, except for the Philly Cheesecake with 99 Miles to Philly. But you've always, like, worked with these, like, fucking crazy hot chicks.

It's great. Yeah, it's a good thing to do. They come to parties and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And they all got friends, you know? Oh, man. They're really good at partying, too. That's what hot chicks are the best at.

I feel like I could fuck them easier than you could fuck them. I'm sure. I'm sure. You just got to be realistic, man, about life. Like, I just know that type of stuff is not for me. I don't dabble in stuff that's not for me. If I do, I'll probably get my legs broken. Because that's how karma works. I know where I'm at in life, where I'm supposed to be in stuff that's not for me. I do probably get my legs broken because that's how karma works.

I know where I'm at in life, where I'm supposed to be. I share your philosophy. There are some women who are just so attractive where it goes full circle and they might as well just be your mother or just any... They might as well just be a slug because it's not even close to a human possibility of touching them.

I understand. That's who I am in the round table of gentlemen, right? Yeah. I feel like, Jackie, you're upset that we're talking about you're the most beautiful woman in the world. You're so beautiful. Jackie, everybody loves you. Would you break up with your future

wife right now for Jackie Zebrowski? Look at her while you say it. Just tell her that you love her, John. You're on the sixth train right now. It's riding John. You're on the sixth train right now. It's riding heavy. You see Jackie. And that's not puckering.

That's not giving you a pucker. She's puckered. She's really presented. You're making that goldfish face. Yeah, she's totally a goldfish. But then you have to keep that face. Oh, yeah, forever. Consistently, forever.

GFF. Oh, it looks mildly like a predator now. It's good. Jackie, have you ever had that experience where you chased a fellow super hard other than fucking Edward and then you just never got him? No. What are you talking about?

You always just get the guy that you want. What's your saying, Jackie? You fuck him and you leave him. No. That's one of them. I thought it was me's gets what's me's wants. I see what I want and I get what I want.

That's good Jackie. It's the aggressions we were talking about before. I've begged for pussy so many times in my life. Girls gotta shoot me down like eight times before I stop. Me too man. I get fucking persistent with that shit. I mean, what is the most commonly misconstrued, come on, like if you're trying to get a guy,

right? But you're not trying to get one. Let's say that. What is the time more often where guys take that as, oh, she's coming on to me, when it's really not? Like what is like... I guess, I mean, usually I mean it. That's the problem with men, at least.

I get it with women a lot, where they think that I, like, most women think that I'm hitting on them because I look like a huge dyke, which is understandable. Pretty much anything I can say to a woman, they think that, or the problem is I work at a coffee shop, so most of the regulars Either want to fuck me Or think I'm trying to fuck them So I get that a lot Where it's like no no no I just want to drink with you I just drink a lot We can just get a drink it's fine I had that experience last night

Uh oh Oh what happened last night One of the regulars came out to the bar And I was all upset because I lost my fucking phone last night. So he made me drink and drink and drink and then he wanted me to touch his chest tattoos. Why?

Why? That's disgusting. It was weird and then I got all weird and I fucking left apparently. I don't remember this. Did he ask you out for a drink or did you ask him out? I asked him out to the party. We were all at a big party Yeah it was like a party thing for the blue stuff I think that's one of the creepiest ways I've ever heard of a man hitting on a woman

Asking her to touch his tattoos on his chest And it was of like a severed head on a stick Oh that's disgusting That sounds up right in your house I mean the tattoo was pretty fucking cool I gotta fucking say So instead you just licked all over his body. Yeah, no, I just licked the sweat off his chest.

It was fine. It was great. Oh, that's incredible. I mean, that's the thing. I think women have it slightly easier when it comes to getting fully rejected for men. I remember I loved this gal named Kara, and she was just making out with this other guy just the entire party, right on the couch. And then so I brought a whole jug of wine, and I'm walking home with it, and it starts

to pour in rain. I think we talked about it. I was just crying. Just crying in the rain with a jug of wine. You just go home and you drink it alone and you watch Uncle Buck. I love Uncle Buck! That's a great time. I want to do that tonight. I want to do that right now. I didn't watch Uncle Buck.

That sounds so much better than making out with that fucking lame chick. Oh, but she was so nice. What was the bosom size? The first two chicks I loved. Super tiny breasts. That sounds so much better than making out with that fucking lame chick. Oh, but she was so nice. What was the bosom size? Small. The first two chicks I loved. Really? Super tiny. I don't even know you anymore.

I know. No. They were just extremely small. I liked women for different reasons back then. How many women would you say you've loved? Just two. One is who I'm with and the other one is this other gal. Yeah, that's it. But, I mean, they're polar opposites. Complete opposite looking gals. Just two. One is who I'm with and the other one is this other gal.

Yeah, that's it. They're polar opposites. Complete opposite looking gals. She had small tits. Yeah, the first one. Oh my god, she had no breasts whatsoever and she's a vegan. God knows she's a hippity dippity gal. I fucking hate that shit. Whoa!

I hate it so much. Vegans, especially vegans. Vegetarian I gotta know the reasons And stuff We'll get into it Vegetarian I can deal with It's such a weird race

It still pisses me off It still pisses me off It's fucking annoying But like It's not the worst And there's reasons there That make it legit But vegan man

You're just being a fucking idiot You're unhealthy I've become a lot more Tolerant lately But there was literally A time like freshman year At FSU There was this girl

And she was like Really religious And I hadn't seen there was this girl, and she was really religious. And I hadn't seen her in six months. And she was like, oh, hey, Kevin, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm chilling. I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm about to make some food. I'm like, what are you making? She's like, oh, some rice.

And I'm like, with what? And she's like, oh, some beans. I'm like, and what else? She's like, and a salad. I'm like, no meat? She's like, no, I'm a vegan. And I started yelling at her. I was like, you fucking stupid bitch.

Don't you read? You read the fucking Bible, right? You read the fucking Bible? The animals were put on Earth by God for us to eat. Oh my goodness, Kevin. You're a lunatic. You remind me of the guy who gets on the 4 train. Holy Christ.

There's something that turns somewhat. I had this guy that I was in love with. He fucking left me so fucking hard. And then I saw him a few months later. And every time I saw him, I I was in love with. He fucking left me so fucking hard. And then I saw him a few months later. And every time I saw him, I got butterflies in my stomach. And he told me he'd become a raw foodist. And I was like, gross! You know he stinks now.

Those people smell bad. They fucking stink like shit. You're just going to eat a carrot? You just want one carrot? It's not even cooked. Raw food, only vegetables. Only raw vegetables. Why did we invent fire in the first place?

That's one of the great things about social network, about Facebook, though, is that I don't know if you guys have this, but you see exes or people you used to like, and they start posting the vegan stuff, and they start posting the political stuff, and you're just like, holy shit. It's just like you realize you dodged something so horrible. Fantastic. Years later.

That's the best thing about it. Well, the only girl I ever dated, now she's bisexual. So that sucks for me. Because I could have had all types of threesomes. Now I'm just sad. Well, you're doing great, Kevin. No, man. You don't want to mess with that shit.

They're all fucked up. They're all women are fucked up. Who gives a shit if people are fucked up. I don't know. It's tough to say. I think the food thing is kind of a... It's like dating a vegan is like dating a chick who's under 21. You can't take her anywhere.

That's why you date girls that are under 21. I would totally date a girl under 21. Absolutely. Absolutely. You just bring her back to your place and hang out all the time. So much money. I get to go out all the time and do shows and never see her and I'll check her out like once a week

and we'll just like screw with the house. Only time we ever go out is at a party or something like that. You know Chihuahua. God damn, I've never thought of it this way, but you're on to something. You never have to see him! Dude, you are so on to something. Let's start going to high schools.

We're going to start going to colleges and high schools. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. NYU girls. Colleges, colleges. High schools, though. High schools. No, we're going to some high schools.

We got to get ahead of the curve, man. This is why Doug Hutchinson is my hero. This dude married this 16-year-old girl. You do get to that point in college, though, where I guess that is true. If you're dating, say you're 20 or 21, and you're dating your age, you do get to that point where you go from being the Yankees

in dating, and you can go anywhere, to becoming the Pittsburgh Pirates. You really do. All of a sudden, you're cutting payroll. You're like, I just can't. I like you very much, but I just can't keep you on. It's so bizarre. I can't keep you on. It's so bizarre. I can't keep you on board. And I wish you good luck with somebody else.

Super big on the A. When I was 23, I couldn't date a 19. Pretty much as soon as you're 21, you can't date under 21. Yes, you can. Well, you can. They love you now. No, but then the other side of this, you've got to get them in. That's the other side.

Is that if you're 21 and they're not, then it's not only are you having to pay more, you're having to break rules to do that. So there's an added thing. So you're basically like... Because the reason they're dating you is to get into the bar. So you can't just tell them that you love them. I'm not going to take her to a bar. But you have to. She's going to stay at home. You bring her liquor bottles

and shit. Is that enough? That's the thing. Yeah, then you fuck them all night. Yeah, fuck them all night. You pour it in her pussy. You just do all that crazy shit. You do nuts stuff with them. They don't hold their hair as they vomit. That's what they do. They don't order to drink. They don't order to do anything. That's who they learn. You teach them.

You become a father figure for them. See, this is the fantasy I just don't have. Yeah, you become Dr. Dad. No, that's not true. You have baby daddy porn on your computer. Baby daddy porn on your computer. Baby daddy porn on your computer? You're a raw gonzo, brother.

Raw gonzo. Raw gonzo. My girlfriend checks my computer. All of a sudden, there's a raw gonzo. Have you heard of raw gonzo? No one's heard of it. It's like what sick fucking people do like you. I've heard of it.

I've heard of it. Have you heard of it or are you jerked off to it? You've heard of it. I've heard of it. I used to work in a sex shop and they had quite a large selection of Raw Gonzo videos. It was in advertisement. And Raw Gonzo is just, it's Raw and it's Gonzo. And it's all just like mother-daughter, father-daughter, like bizarre role-playing stuff.

And I have never, ever masturbated to any sort of mother, any family thing. Really? It's a good soundbite for when you run for office. It's a good soundbite for when you go... I have never! Bullet point one! I have never wanted to have sex with my daughter. She doesn't exist! But, no, I mean,

it's not a thing for me. Yeah, but what about stepmother? Come on. No! Really? No mother! I don't understand the fantasy. Are you into this, John? I'm not into it, but the stepmother thing, me. Yeah, but what about stepmother? Come on. No! No mother! I don't understand the fantasy. Are you into this, John? I'm not into it, but the stepmother thing, yeah. I'm kind of into it. I'm not into it, but if someone said they were,

okay. I wouldn't judge them to the same level. I've seen some stepdaughter type porn. It's not bad at all. Stepson? I like babysitter porn. What about the idea that your father babysitter porn is real good? He makes babysitter porn

and cheerleader porn. Babysitter porn and cheerleader porn. Teacher. I like teacher. Where was the sex shop you worked in? The Pleasure Chest. Is this New York? That's a really good name. Not very long.

Really? Well, it was my first job in the city, and then I got a job at Midtown Comics. And I know a lot more about comics. You just kept on jacking off in aisle three. Where's Marcus? Oh, he's in the raw gonzo section. Greg, what up? Wait, dude, do you have a good sicko story? Do you have a good creepy person story?

I mean, really, I only worked there for like two days before I got another job. How could you get fired from the sex shop so quick? I didn't get fired from it. I got a job at Midtown Comics. I just can't believe what a nerd you are. The hours were better. He was working at a sex shop before that. That's not a nerd.

Yeah, but it's like the sex shop. You stay at the sex shop. If you're going to get a gig at the comic book store, you've got to turn it down. It was okay. You work on commission whenever you work in a sex shop. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, you worked at the Pleasure Chest in the West Village. Dude, I know what you're talking about.

And not only that, but it also is a stop on the Sex and the City Tour. So it's kind of like a car dealership, except your line would be, what can I do to put this inside you today? Yes, exactly. Amazing, John. That was pretty good. They always give you the hard sell in those stores. I never understood why.

That's why they give you the minute I thought of it. He's amazing. I love that sticky commission. That's a good name for a jam band. Sticky commission? Oh my God, it sounds like that STD mark his head. My first day there, I was like, alright,

so what do you want me to do? The very first thing they gave me to do, they're like, okay, go down to the basement and organize the lube. And I'll tell you, and then they said, if you know what I mean. Did this place have boots by any chance?

You never had to mop up the... This is actually a legitimate sex shop. Right, right. It's on par with like... I mean, it's not... Babeland is much, much better. But it's like... So what's an illegitimate sex shop?

A legitimate sex shop is one staffed by normal... That's one that's not staffed by like creepy fucking Pakistani dudes. And just like... Yeah, people don't know what they're talking about. So parks in two days. How many dildos did you sell? Two days of parks? Three. That's great!

It's pretty good. Were they happy with you? They were probably thrilled that you were with the company now. They were pretty happy with me. They were very sad whenever I left. Ladies or guys? They must have felt like I did when Kara was making out with that guy. Two to ladies, one to a guy.

Wow. See, but I bought dildos before. Were the ladies attractive? Were they attractive ladies? They weren't bad. The clientele that came in there... Were you tempted to try to say... What it was,

the clientele that we got were Sex and the City fans, so they were kind of cunty, but also pretty cute. So they were liberating their vaginas for the first time. They were talking to you. What's up? They're talking to you and you're selling them these things. So how would you sell me a dildo, Marcus?

I put people at ease. Marcus, I'm looking for a vaginal stimulator with something to tickle the old tush. Well, it depends. It's something, a vaginal stimulator and something to tickle the tush all at the same time. I want a cactus type dildo. Well, there are certain dildos. There's one called, I mean, it depends.

Do you come more from vaginal stimulation or from clitoral stimulation? I'm a clit guy. You're a clit guy? So what you're going to want is the rabbit. I want the rabbit! You want the rabbit. You want the rabbit. It's famous.

Yeah, made famous in Sexton City. Well, the Pleasure Chest is the home of the rabbit. And you know what? They're goddamn great vibrators. Yeah. Have you used one on a... What's up? Have you used one on a...

Have you seen it at work? I've heard many a testimonial. I've seen a video. I've never actually used a rabbit. I mean, yeah, sure. I've used many vibrators and dildos on it. I've seen a video. I've never actually used a rabbit. I mean, yeah, sure. I've used vibrators and dildos. I really want to test my pain limit. I really want to see how far I can make the hurt go.

On yourself? On the girl? On both. At the same time. They got those fists. Those arms. It's like a whole arm with a fist on the end. The big fist arm.

We had the biggest, blackest dildo. I've seen those. Oh my god, that thing was terrifying. Bigger than an apple? Wider than an apple? About as wide as an apple, yeah. And you always get these gay couples that would come in. You'd have the two dudes just like batting the big cock back and forth having a great time.

Like cats and shit? Did you ever get like... I was actually using it as a seesaw at one point yeah it's beautiful weird it would be nice to work in the store

a little bit longer and just see the progression of the gay couple's anuses you know they just bought the first little butt plug and everything was kind of cute and then they're out of that

big on steroids the one that looks like a haze of spades just huge anus thing did you guys have a like a sex chairs set up in the place? It's not that big of a

place. We had a place like that back in Florida that the sex chair was suspended from the ceiling so people would... The swing. And people would get into it and basically fuck in the store. X-Mart, right? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, we knew a bunch of people that worked at X-Mart in the store. X-Mart, right? Yeah. Hell yeah. Really? Yeah, we knew a bunch of people that worked at X-Mart in Talley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew this one chick. She was hot as fuck. Just so hot. So cute.

Worked at X-Mart. She mopped up the cum on the peep floor. Yeah, the booth there? The peep show. Yeah, yeah. And I was just like, why are you? She told me. I was like, you mopopping up cum? I was like

she's so cute what are you doing mopping up cum for? You know she's like it's just a job did your parents know about this? She's like no she's like they're never going to find out I was like I bet your dad does your fucking taxes and you should have seen her mouth drop

I bet your dad is probably going to go in there at some point. She's probably mopping up her old man's cum. Which is why I can't look at raw gonzo. No, well, speaking of fathers and sex, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. Yeah, yeah. So your future imaginary child. What are you going to say? In fact, this is great, too, because you can hold on to this episode, guys,

and just hit play on the player in the future. You don't have to just do that. You sit back and just stare at him. Give him that icy cold, creepy stare. No pants on. No pants on, of course. I guess I'll give it a start.

You didn't really explain it completely. Oh, that you were going to sit down and what you're going to tell your kid about the birds and the bees. Give him the talk, if you will. I know my talk originally was via Woody Allen movies. My father, with everything everyone knew about sex, we just watched it and he asked me if I had any questions at the end. Really? Yep.

And with my mother, it was Mighty Aphrodite. Wow. And I remember at one point in the movie, a blowjob was mentioned. And she was ironing behind me. It was very creepy because I'm laying on the couch and she's directly behind the couch ironing the whole time, standing above me like so intimidating. She's like,

do you know what a blowjob is? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I know what a blowjob is! Like, freaked out. Weird. Yeah, it was very strange. Your mom asked you if you knew what a blowjob was? Yes. It's a rough memory. You went to Unitarian Church as well. Yeah, exactly. It kind of leads me to...

Well, God's a blowjob, Unitarian Church. That's the thing. I mean, that place is a dick-suck palace. But man alive, they had good ice cream there. I'll tell you what. So, yeah. So, I say I sit him down. And I'll tell you what.

Marcus is going to be our child for this. Good. You look like a child. How are you doing today, son? I'm good, I'm good Basketball practice Retarded child Definitely retarded What's up?

So you see Little Gershon So you see Do you see mommy over there? You know when mommy, when you have feelings for mommy that are more than mommy? Like my dreams? Yes. Happy mommy dreams. We talked about those.

That's called, those are called urges and desires. Okay. And when little Gershon starts to get bigger, it gets put, like, say if you were, all dreams came true, me with my mommy, you with

your mommy, got to do what you've always wanted to do with mommy, then you would put that little Gershon into mommy has a hole. A special little realm you can approach. But you can approach. But you can't do it with Mommy when she

says no, Mommy. Shut up! Let me have this! Alright, so you can put it in there and then of course also other like lame chicks in the future. And what do we say about Mommy's boobies? Fantastic!

Fantastic! Okay, great. I've enjoyed this talk boobies. They're fantastic. Fantastic. Okay, great. I've enjoyed this talk. And have a good day. Have a good day at school because it's 8 in the morning. Thank you, Daddy. You're welcome. Thank you. Well, that's a nice lesson. That's a really nice lesson.

We love mom like that. I learned something. Eddie, how are you going to respond to your child? I mean, God knows he'll be out there about seven years old. I'll probably tell him before that. Five or six. Five or six, good. Be like, so you want to know about

that shit? You know, the shit with your dick? Your little dingy? Your dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So start getting hard. And you're gonna wanna put it in a girl it's so creepy

you're gonna make him flick it around I'm not gonna watch him get hard I'm gonna tell him what's gonna happen in the future he ain't getting hard yet he's only 5 years old come on you can be born with an erection it's true yeah babies get boners all the time.

They really do. I'm serious. A little baby boner. But anything you want to know, just ask your mother. I don't care. I don't care. Fuck all you want.

Just don't let your sister fuck. I'll see you later. That's good advice. Good job, Adam. That is going to be one solid kid. Jackie, you got some advice? I figure, you know, it's the

mother's role to talk to the girl children, right? I don't talk to the boys. Man, that's so fucking hot. Oh. So, basically, I had a very uncomfortable

talk with my mother in the pool. I had a life jacket on. I remember that because I still don't know how to swim. I was probably about eight. She told me all the basics of the penis and the vagina. What I really want to tell my

daughter is what to not put inside your vagina. But what I really want to tell my daughter is what to not put inside your vagina. Right. Jackie, that list is really long. It's very long. Name only a child. Do not put a baby inside it.

The only thing for you is a dick. You want to rub a vagina in your vagina? You can do that, too, on PC. That's fine. But if you're going to put things inside of you... What about fingers and tongues? Always fingers and tongues. All right.

Well, the list is getting a little bit longer. FTP. The rabbit? What about the rabbit? Can she use the rabbit? No, no rabbit. No rabbit? No.

Oh, Marcus just loves it. I know. It's pretty great. I know. Are we doing a rabbit foot? No, it's not a rabbit? Oh, Marcus just loves it. I know. It's pretty great. I know. Are we doing a rabbit foot? No, it's not a rabbit dildo. You went to the bathroom. You missed the whole dildo. Oh, yeah, no, no. Rabbit. Oh, yeah, no. Oh, not an actual rabbit.

No actual animal. Rabbit ass rabbits. And, you know, I would say wait until you're older for fists. Especially, or like, inanimate objects are difficult. Unless they're not, they don't have spikes on them. You can put that inside of you too.

I think it's really important to teach a little girl how to masturbate. Because most men can't satisfy women. So you might as well learn how to masturbate really well. So I'm going to watch her and teach her where to find the G-spot. You know, like, stick all of your fingers inside of you. It's just going to make her such a victim in the future. No, no, no. Never a victim.

Stick all your fingers inside of you? All the fingers. If you are that small, you can't reach a G-spot. All your fingers? But I don't understand. Hold on. The G-spot's just further back. I mean, it's not like all your fingers doesn't make you go longer.

I'm saying little kid hand. Little kid hand? What's that supposed to mean? It's also a little kid pussy. It's disgusting. The whole conversation has just turned so vile and disgusting. No, only masturbation. I mean, I thought, I knew this segment was going to be bad.

Yeah, we're going to wrap it up soon. All right, I'm done. Just masturbate until you die. Good. Yeah, all right. It's also the title of Jackie's memoir. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's 2013.

I masturbated a lot. And Kevin, what about you? I mean, I guess I would do, I think my mom was the one who had the conversation with me about that. And, you know, she had good advice. So I would tell my son the exact same things that my mom said to me, which is every once in a while you're going to see a beautiful Puerto Rican butt. And it's going to be perfectly shaped. And you might, you know, feel an erection.

You might get hard. At that point, what you need to do is just pray. Because if you pray, the power of Jesus Christ could take away all things. And you just keep doing that and you're going to be alright. That's the path you need to be on. That's hilarious. I just feel like I'm going to accidentally

raise a rapist. On accident. That's a good point. I think you might as well. Might as well. And Ben? All right, well, we all got to close it out here. Kevin's got to go and so does John.

I would say, you know, like my dad cornered me in the kitchen and it was very creepy. He told me to use a condom and that was pretty much the extent of it. I didn't heed his advice. So I think what I would, I would just tell my kid that, you know, you got to, sometimes, honey, you're going to get a period. You know you know you gotta sometimes honey You're gonna get a period you know I'll say baby Sometimes you get a period and that just means that everything is going great, and that's when you have sex with men only have sex Tiffany when you're on your period be and only do that because then no man will ever touch her which is a fantastic Reputation to give her beautiful

The more you know that's it oh don't have sex with Tiffany. She bleeds all the time! The more you know. That's it. Oh, don't have sex with Tiffany. She's always on her period. That's it. And then no one will ever touch her and she'll be a fantastic woman. Except for me! Oh, God. That is disgusting. What, you've never banged a girl

on her period? No, I have. I've eaten a gal out on her period accidentally. A guy named Jackie. Not you, Jackie. No, not me. I've eaten a gal out on her period accidentally. A guy named Jackie. Not you, Jackie. No, not me. I don't want clots on your face. It was disgusting. I literally want to vomit thinking about it. This is why. That's probably the exact same speech that her father gave

to her and I never touched her again. And she's probably still a virgin to this day. It's like getting mercury poisoning. It is. It's very dangerous. I can tell the temperature. It's 86 degrees outside. I remember when my mom talked to me. I was in high school. She was like,

do I need to give you an extra allowance for condoms? A weekly allowance for condoms. Use the Ziploc bags, Eddie. Just use the Ziploc bags. Parks, are you going to tell

your kid anything? Well, my parents never told me jack shit. You're doing great. They left it to my brothers. Oh, no. See, that's better, though, isn't it? I honestly think it was better. They were like four and five years older than me. They were totally fine. And I think

with any kid that I have, I'm just going to let him figure it out on his own. Beautiful. Great parenting. The Texas way. That is the Texas way. He'll figure it out. He'll figure it out. Absolutely. He's going to be a smart kid, or

she's going to be a smart kid. She won't be, but he definitely will be. He'll be a smart kid. She will. Well, mother will. Tell the kid, you're going to be a smart kid. Whichever. She won't be, but he definitely will be. He'll be a smart kid. She will. Well, mother will handle that. Tell the kid. You're going to be a smart kid or you're going to be a dead kid. I'll tell her good.

Yeah. Dead kid or smart kid. All right. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen for Marcus Parks, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you so much, John, for being here. Thank you so much, Johnny!

You were amazing. You have to come back, John. Absolutely listen to us. We will be here next week. I'm looking forward to it. Alright.