The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 57: A Necessary Evil

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

A butt slasher is on the loose in Virginia! Does he do it horizontally? Vertically? Either way, the Round Table has plenty of tips and tricks for this strange violent criminal. We've also got angry bees killing a horse, Kitler, and the Lightning Round on this, the fifty-seventh episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Speaking of being high. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Amen. Amen.

Dear God, thank you for... This is not your Jewish Lord. This is our moment. Go back to the bathroom. I'll count my money while you guys pray Dear God I want to thank you for Jews Jews are much better

Than Catholics Because they're good to each other Catholics just fuck the little ones You know what I'm saying Except for recently there was that one thing You threw that spike at us with the Jews Over in Brooklyn Yeah that was a filthy murder

So you know what don't worry I'm not going to thank you for anything this week Because obviously I was wrong In the name of the Father And of the Son and of the Holy Spirit Amen I miss you God Oh God Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen.

Lord Free this week. Fuck you, God. Who's on the show? Jackie Zabrowski. Woof. Woof, woof. Jesus, Jackie. Get happier. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Whoa, whoa. No, that was a bad one.

Bad all around. I thought it was pretty good. Sending it for Kevin Barnett, the completely not Kevin Barnett, Louis Katz. Thank you for being here, my friend. Thanks for having me. I'm kind of opposite Kevin Barnett. You are opposite Kevin Barnett in that I really enjoy when you're around. You're a nice guy.

That's a joke, Kevin. I love you. Come back. I need a tall, big-cocked man. And, of course, Amber Nelson also needs a big-cocked man. And thank you for being here Thank you for having me Round table of big cocked men

And it's your lucky day because our other guest happens to have one of the largest cocks In the entire world Chris what's your last name? Tinkle Chris Tinkle That is just I'm sorry He's gotten his entire life

Is it really Chris Tinkle? That's amazing there was a race car driver named Dick Trickle. Do you remember that? It was the most incredible name of all time. Dick Trickle or Chris Tinkle? Well, it's just fun. My poor, poor grandfather, Buddy Farts.

God rest his soul. Buddy Farts is a tough one. And with us as always, the man with the worst name in radio, Marcus Parks. What stories do you got for us today, buddy? Headline, Virginia. Serial butt slasher. Stalking malls.

Sliced his butt. Marcus just told me the headline and I was like, stop there. I don't want to hear anything else. Does he slice butts or does he just fart everywhere? He slices butts. Young women shopping in northern Virginia malls should watch their butts, police warn.

A serial slasher is believed to be responsible for at least five attacks in the region and cops believe he won't stop slashing until he's caught. Slice some butts, man. Do it. I think it's great. It sounds pretty hilarious.

Yeah. It also just seems like something that you could just tell everybody that you're doing, but they'll never actually like, what'd you do today? I went to the mall, sliced some butts. And we're like, yeah, awesome, man. Cool. It doesn't sound like a real thing. It sounds like I just went to the food court and ate a tandoori hut or something.

It's a new slang for some new sex moves or maybe a skateboard trick or something. I'm sure a lot of the victims didn't report it because Hattie would be like, my butt was sliced.

I think it's bladed. A lot of victims of butt slashing are embarrassed to come forward and they should come forward. It's true. You've got your butt sliced.

It's okay. It's not your fault. Get some stitches. Put that ass back together. It isn't your fault. Get some stitches. Put that ass back together. It isn't your fault. Where does he slice? Does he slice across or does he slice up?

Well, an 18-year-old woman who was slashed through her denim shorts with a box cutter razor in the most recent attack, the attacker knocked clothes off a rail to distract her. So he just kind of walked up,

knocked some clothes. She turned her head. She bent over and sliced her butt? Yeah. So is that just like running down. I just pictured some guy running down the middle of the hallway slicing butts.

Perverted Zorro over here. Butt man. Chris, what do you think, man? You slicing butts? Are you into it? Is this going to start a new phenomenon? Yeah, I'm not a butt slicer yet. But, uh, no, it just sounds like, I mean, I wonder what, you know, what does he do with,

like, the wound afterwards? Does he take, like, a second lap? On the second lap, he tries to, you know, shove it in the wound that he already sliced? You never know if he's trying to fuck the wound. Why else? Yeah, doing laps. It's just, what did it start with? Just pinching butts or just kissing?

It just can't hurt that bad. It can't. It's one of those things you're like, I think I'm injured, but it's in just a fatty part of the region. And then, of course, when your butt's bleeding, that's just an embarrassing thing to tell the clerk. I feel bad for the 14-year-old girl who's like day three at the Gap. Just be like, I think my butt's bleeding.

And then she's like, oh, I don't know what to do. I'm going to call my manager. You'll never believe What happened today Bob And he's just thinking It's going to be another Terrible story That Tiffany's telling him

And it turns out to be About the greatest Butt slasher of all time Thank God That's probably the first And the greatest I mean there's not a long List of butt slashers

No he's it If you're the first You are the greatest And it could be one of us By the way We haven't ruled this out That's the thing And you haven't spent any time in Virginia?

Oh, Louie, you travel around. Actually, no. He's described as a heavy-set Latino man in his late 20s. Louie Cat? Is this Big Fat Latino, dude? With my mom? That's so weird.

Big Fat Latino guy. Describe his mode of dress? They've got a... He's an all white with a white hat to go with it. And he just looks like he's ready to go to a construction job. Yeah, he seems like the world's worst painter. Yeah, how big is he? Why is he getting away? These fucking mall cops can get off their ass.

What, is he running away? It's a fuzzy picture. You can't really see who he is. He could be any of a handful of Mexicans. I feel like it takes a second to calculate the fact that your ass just got sliced. Exactly. What happened? That is a foreign feeling.

Totally. You're right. This guy has heard a sentence five times in his life that we will just never hear. Did you just slash my butt? I swear to God, you slashed my butt. Did that happen?

It's so shocking. Do you guys think it's a sexual thing? Is he only slashing girls or is he slashing boys too? No, he's just slashing girls. This is the butt slasher calling now. There's been five attacks. Let's see here.

None of them have been seriously injured. Well, they can't be. Investigators fear the suspect, though, that he may escalate the violence. An FBI profiler says, quote, The dangerous thing here is he's actually hurting women. He already crossed that threshold into physical contact, but this is a good news, bad news situation. He'll just keep doing this until he's caught, and by keeping on doing this,

he'll be caught. He's going to start cutting out assholes. He's just going to get worse. I think, I mean, of all the things he's going to slice, I say, you know, he's not raping girls. Cutting ass.

He's really defending this guy. Anytime there's horrible things happening to women, Jackie's like, I don't see what the big deal is. She doesn't have a lot of girlfriends. Believe me, he could be doing so much worse. Believe me. He could be doing so much worse. It might get worse, though. He might have some kind of psycho background with his mom who's like, slice those butts.

Slice my butt now. Imagine what that mother's like. Slice your mommy's butt, you big Mexican faggot. Because she's Irish. Yeah, she happens to be Irish somehow. Born in Mexico, though, but Irish. I don't understand it. It is amazing. I wonder if he slashes butts because in his, like, the Latino culture, the big female booty

is a very powerful thing. Yeah, he wants to cut it down, man. He wants to cut that bitch down. Because I'll tell you, if it was me, I would definitely be slicing on the boobies. Always go with the things that you like the most. Maybe he just got rejected one too many big butts. He's got to cut them all down. Yeah.

The thing is that... All right. You're right. Take a second to cut them all down. Yeah. The thing is that... All right. You're right. It's a false moment. Take a second to just deal with big psychosis right now. Maybe that's why.

That's my synopsis of the character. He wanted a fat butt to sit on his face and no one ever has so he just started cutting them. I just think the reason you can't cut titties

is because they're close to the eyes. They're on the wrong side. You have to cut from behind just strategically if you're going to slash. Like Silence of the Lambs where you would take the size 16

girls' backs and you would just cut off the skin from their backs and wear them. Why do you think he slashes instead of stabs? It's quick. You gotta get out of there. I think maybe he's trying to create another ass on the ass.

Oh, a double ass. Oh, man, what if he slices across the butthole? That's what I'm saying. He gets through the middle. You got the talking mouth and stuff. That would be pretty cool. It's like a cross, then. It's really just sort of a new form of graffiti to some degree.

Maybe it is like a cross. Maybe he's making a cross with the butt crack and some kind of Jesus thing. Exactly. I've heard of that. The butt cross, indeed. That's an actual thing in the faith. We need to be detectives. We are fucking deducing the shit out of this crime.

He's a police cop. I will deduce the shit out of any crime. That's fucking great right there. He's dressed in all white. He's carrying box cutters. What do you think his job is? He must be a carpenter or something like that, right? Well, maybe not a carpenter with a box cutter. Maybe he cuts down boxes.

Kinkos? FedEx? Maybe he's a painter and he paints women with his Victorian big butts. Ooh, sexy. And all day he's painting these big pink butts and then he just goes to the mall and slashes it. Yeah. Maybe he just turns Victorian big butts. Tell me it. Yeah. What are these Victorian big butts?

Tell me more about these. I've never heard of this kind of butt. Oh, they're the corset. They poof out. Yeah, they got big old butts, man. People a couple hundred years ago... You could not slice those butts. There's no way you can get through that. Now a sign of wealth is you have the money to pay for tanning machines and fitness and everything. You'd be real thin.

Back in the day, a sign of wealth was to have some chubs and everything. You'd be real thin. But back in the day, a sign of wealth was to have some chubs going on. I would be royalty. Yeah, I would be complete royalty. You had enough money to eat all that food and shit. Thin would be having a fucking field day. All Wisconsin women

was like hot women back in the day. Yeah, they were. They were really good. I'd slash all their butts. That's what Dave said. I'd remove my cock. Cock slash them. Oh, me ass just got sliced by the most wonderful gentleman.

Now I will eat grapes and drink mead. Maybe this is like the guy's just like, I hear women like really aggressive men. So I'm just going to go slice all their butts. What a good guy. I hope they never catch him. I mean, he's not hurting us. There's no vital organ. As long as he doesn't escalate.

It's a necessary evil that we need. He's just like, this is going to happen sometime. Remind the world. Not to mention, the emergency room, just all of a sudden, all these women come in with sliced butts. The doctor is going to be like, what is going on out there? What the hell did I miss? I'm going to stitch up one more ass tonight. I'll tell you, Debbie, it's going to be a long night, honey.

She gets pissed off because he's looking at all those hot fucking sweet asses all day. tell you, Debbie, it's going to be a long night, honey. She gets pissed off because she's looking at all those hot fucking sweet asses all day. Are the girls hot that he's cutting? Yeah, they've got it. I mean, they don't say

whether they're hot or not. They're 18. Oh, they're hot. Oh, they're hot, yeah. Definitely. I'm hot. Can we turn that air on? No, we can't.

No, I mean, we're going to sit out. You've got to suffer, man. Take it off, bud. Louie's stripping for us right now. It's fucking fantastic. It's pretty hot. Amber's taking off his tube top.

What are the victims? I would assume he can't be victimizing white women because that box cutter would just go straight to the bone. There's no bud. He must be getting really big. I think he chooses his hineys. I'm thinking big asses. I mean, it's gotta be a big fluffy ass.

What if he's only slicing tiny butts? To make them worse? Because he hates them. He hates them. I think so. It's like a natural selection thing. Could be. And he's in a store, and perhaps he was like, if you break it, you buy it. And he was like, this is how you get big butts. You just fucking break them all over town. Marcus, I want you to send this to the

police department when we're done recording. I think we figured out an ass load of truth and justice right here on the done recording. I think we figured out an assload of truth and justice right here on the round table. I send every episode to the police department. You're with them. You're a fucking interside spy.

This is pathetic. You'd be in jail by now. That's why Marcus introduced pedophile corner because he just wanted to weed us out. I wanted to see which one of you guys' eyes lit up

whenever I fucking said it. Too bad it was all of ours. It was everybody's. Too much for you to arrest. You should also send this podcast to the news station. That was cool enough

to title it Butt Slicer. Well, this is the New York Daily News. The New York Daily News. Send it to them. Of course. I feel like the guy

who sells the rotisserie, what's that name? The old white guy with the white mustache? Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers just needs to be slinging this butt slicer at a 2 a.m. infomercial. It sounds fucking awesome. Well, I mean, it's just a box cutter. It's not a machine.

Make it something. It's just a blender half the time. It's just a rotisserie. It's not a box cutter. It's a butt slicer. And it sounds a lot fucking cooler. Give it a white handle and red lettering. Exactly. And throw in a second one for free. Why would I get one for me and my mother?

We'll throw in an ass. Yeah, and a free ass to practice on. Get your prasses. Your practice ass. Maybe some tit smoosher. Some all kinds of stuff. Sure. A little more less selling product they have stocked up on. Tit racket. Maybe a tit smoosher. Some all kinds of stuff. Sure. A little more less.

A less selling product they have stocked up on. Tit racket. You guys need to get the tit racket. Sure to imprint any bosom. Yeah, you just swat at the tit with it. That's right. Do you like Sudoku? Call it Sudoku tits.

And you just write in the numbers. Slap it. Racket tits. I love it. That sounds awesome. I know. I'm actually into that. Being bashed in the tits. I love it. That sounds awesome. I'm actually into that. Being bashed in a tits with a racket? We're going to go undercover

in Virginia, just get Jackie over there wearing the most booty fucking pants ever. I ain't got no ass. Get a big fat ass, he'll slice it. You're pretty enough to get your ass sliced. Thank you. Very nice, Amber. Marcus, what other sick stories She'll slice it. She'll take one right in the ass. You're pretty enough to get your ass sliced. Thank you. Totally.

You're really nice, Amber. Absolutely. Marcus, what other sick stories are there this week? All right. Fucking twisted horrors. Is that a skeleton in an Indian costume? Well, I'll tell you what's going on with this skeleton here. It's sort of a good news, bad news situation for one Louisiana family. On one hand, I finally know what happened to Joseph Schnecksnider.

Schnecksniders? I went to high school high school with Sex Schneiders. Okay, keep going. In Louisiana? Yeah, in Louisiana. Oh my god! Wow. He vanished in 1984. No, you didn't go to school with him. Well, he vanished in 1984.

On the other hand, he died inside a local bank chimney 27 years ago. Yeah, so they just found his body. Yeah, construction workers renovating a historic bank discovered skeletal remains in the chimney in May, and forensics determined they belonged to the man who disappeared when he was 22. And he was trying to rob the bank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it looks like it.

He was found with gloves and a lighter, but nothing that said he was planning a robbery. Well, then that might have been a bank doobie smoke. Just like, I'm gonna go get fucking blazed in the vault, man. If a bank has a chimney, somebody's gonna be in that chimney. What bank has a chimney?

Why do you have a chimney? Banks have fucking chimneys. That's a pretty badass way to go. You're like, fuck it, I'm stuck, man. And they're gonna find my bones And I could've robbed this bank It's a fucking failure 30 years later

It just sucks so bad Give them some kind of credit So Amber tell us about The Schneck Schneiders What do you know about them the family Other than they're terrible thieves Were they in Abbeville, Louisiana by any chance? No, I was in Franklinton, Louisiana.

Sexschneiders is a bigger name in Louisiana but they all kind of... It's pretty ridiculous but it's a big name and everybody knows each other and they have giant Sexschneider reunions. Who's a clan? Yeah, it's like a clan of people. A clan or the clan? The clan. Wow.

Subsect of the clan. That sounds pretty fun. So did you ever get with any of them when you were growing up? You ever get schnack shattered? It's like getting butt sliced but you get cum on your face. That's so much better. It is better, yeah.

Would you rather get butt sliced or just have a guy with a puddle full of cum just throw it in your eyes and just run away? Which one is worse? I don't know which one is worse. It's a legitimate question. It is. Amber?

I'd rather get butt sliced because cum in the eyes can give me AIDS, right? I don't think so. I don't know where that blade's been. That's what I think is the worst part. The blade is fucking... Marcus, can we Google that? Cum in the eyes, AIDS? Sure.

I think the eyes are very receptive to AIDS. No, you can't get AIDS from holding hands or from coming into eyes. That's what I would say. You're lying to all these women. Yeah. All right. So here, this is from San Francisco City Clinic. Question. I had a partner who was HIV

positive. Some of his cum shot into my open eye. That's great. I took off my contact lens and rinsed my eye. Am I at risk for HIV? Hell no. Answer. Technically, you could be at risk. But ejaculation in the eye

isn't an effective mode of transmission at all. Too bad. It'll still get you there though. It'll still get you to the AIDS. Theoretically, you could go across the country in a unicycle. It's not the best way to get around there. What does she do with blonde guys with AIDS? I'm sure it was a man.

It had to be a man. That's not a woman. No woman takes it in the eye. And every woman is smart enough to shut him as soon as they see that disgusting orgasm face men make. It's so gross. Everyone just shuts their eye immediately. The guy wouldn't shut his eye?

No, women shut their eyes when they see the man's about to... That's not true. Well, you guys aren't the women I'm having sex with. They have their eyes shut most of the time. I love it. You gotta love it. You gotta sneak it up on them, man. Yeah, yeah. I think the orgasm face is adorable, a guy makes. Oh, yeah. It's hot.

What is the face? It's a lot like squinted faces. It's just so awful. Oh! Oh, no wonder she looks away. You look like a manatee. It's true. I can vouch.

That looked just like a manatee. Oh, and then I clap my hands and then lettuce goes everywhere because I have a sandwich in one of them. It's really sad. It would feed you a banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, I watch a whole bunch of Design Star on HGTV. Well, back to the Sheck Snyder character.

The reason why he'd gone unnoticed, or why the remains had gone unnoticed for 27 years, the man was reported missing after he'd failed to make a court appearance for, let's see here, on charge of possession of a stolen vehicle. When the officer showed up at his home to take him into custody, his mother said that he had fled to avoid arrest. However, Sheck Snyder had a history of running away, once even

joining a traveling circus. Oh, fun! Not the contortionist. That is for sure. He robbed a bank. Was he a pirate? I do want to see this skeleton all dressed up in nice duds and a little gun

like a puppet. Bone Man! Robin Banks! Fucking Bone Man, man. And Skeleton Dan. We're bringing that shit in, man. This is very good. We should try to get that skeleton. Yeah, his family wasn't even looking for him. At all. No, sure not.'t even looking for him at all.

No, sure not. They gave up as soon as he joined the circus. Yeah, they were just like, yeah, John. Yeah, I wonder whatever happened to John. You know, and... They probably just didn't even... Is John coming to dinner? I don't think he's going to be here tonight.

Hmm, I wonder. I don't know. Yeah, they just forgot about him. And the reason why no one found him in the chimney was that it opens onto the second floor of the red brick bank building. And for decades, the second floor had just been used for storage. So people very rarely went up there.

So they couldn't smell it. So he's screaming for fucking years. He's screaming. How long do you think you live in a chimney? He died of dehydration and starvation. So figure four days. Seven days. How could you tell that from a skeleton?

I think seven days is dehydration. What's that? See, this is what 187 hours should have been about. This guy's story. Well, they don't know yet. I know. We'll make a new one. He didn't make it.

The whole point of the movie is that he lived. I know. I want the guy to be a skeleton at the end. I just want to go through the seven. The stupid thoughts you must have. Be like, Ashton's coming through the chimney. Immediately, just like, oh, the chimney's not going to work. I think I'm stuck. I am stuck in the chimney. I want to see him go away in a dream sequence. You're like, Ashton's coming through the chimney. Like, immediately just like, oh, chimney's not going to work. I think I'm stuck.

I am stuck in the chimney. I want to see him go in a dream sequence where he's like, oh, I made it, I made it. And then it flashes back and he dies. That would be pretty awesome. It could be very similar. Good for him. What an idiot. Whoever thought a chimney was a proper way to enter a building?

It's just not possible to do. Are you adding an extra Santa Claus? Are you saying chimney? Yeah, see, I was thinking chimney. Chimney? Chimney, right? Chimney I was thinking chimney. Chimney. Chimney? Chimney, right? Chimney. Chimney.

Yeah, yeah. Chimney. Chimney, chimney, chimney, chimney. There you go. Chimney Poppins, right? Chimney, chimney, chimney, chimney, chimney. Yeah, that's some fucking British guy. Chimney.

Chimney. What the fuck are you talking about, man? I'm talking about America and speaking American. What do you mean chimney? Wow. Talking about America. I mean, I? I'm talking about America and speaking American. What are you, chiminey? I'm talking about America. I mean, I usually call it the vent. Go over to the vent or the flute.

Chimney, chimney. This is also... It's fun. I died in a chimney. Hop, hop, hop, hop, ho. Yeah. All right. This guy is good. I think he could have made it.

If he just would have gotten a little bit thinner, was he a fat guy, I wonder? I mean, it gives no physical description of him. Well, not anymore. He's a skeleton. Maybe he should have lit his shirt on fire and thrown it up there. That's a good idea. He had a lighter. Yeah, he had a lighter.

And simply a chimney. Put his shirt on fire and throw it down? Or throw it up. Either one. I just don't think that I'm saying it right. Is that some Midwestern shit? It might be. Chimney?

They're all weird over there. Drinking pop in your chimney. Do you know how he says plague and vague? He says plague and vague. No way. Yeah. First of all, I don't say either of those words ever. You say plague and vague all the time.

Vague. Call it a... Get your vag. Vague. That's not the same word. No, it's not the same word, but that's the thing I want to fucking cut if I could. The old beef cutter. Gross beef cutter, man.

That would be awesome. Would you elongate it, or would you go across the sides? You make a second one, or you make it a cross. I mean, I don't know. God forbid I ever get a dehydrator. Nothing but clits and fucking twats in that thing. I cannot wait.

It would be incredible. Yeah, roast beef. Are you enjoying the jerky? Oh, man. This is why our numbers go down every week. Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't even know. I'm terrified.

That's possible. Chris, what's your favorite kind of jerky you've ever eaten? On that note. I don't even know. That's possible. Chris, what's your favorite kind of jerky you've ever eaten? On that note. I don't know. It was teriyaki. Maybe I could try some teriyaki veg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a flavor.

You've got to try twat strips. It's going to be big. Wasabi. Have you ever tried deer jerky? It's good. It's the best. That shit is good. Yeah, it's the best.

I had kangaroo jerky once. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. I had gator jerky. Delicious. What kindaroo jerky once. Really? I had gator jerky. Delicious. What kind of jerky did you have, Holden? Otter? I don't know. Otter jerky, Chris.

And you, Louie? Louie, what kind of jerky? I just want to have... Can we just have a conversation about beef jerky? Any kind of jerky. You can jerky anything. Louie, can you talk about how hot you are right now? I'm going to take off my shirt. Louie's like flipping out

about how hot he is. He's been rubbing a beer across his neck. Louie, I think he's working for the Pharaoh right now. We're not getting anything out of him We're doing it all wrong He hasn't done us a god damn thing You got him sweaty though So it's like instead of saying do you want to come do the podcast

Do you want to come sit in a room and just sweat For an hour And try to be funny It's a challenge It's a heat off comedy challenge You become delirious at some point That doesn't even really fucking matter anymore. I have no idea what the fucking deal is

with what we're saying. Marcus, can you please get to this news story for me? That's the thing. Yeah, sure. Headline, angry bees kill horse. I mean, I guess it's better than happy bees. That's a lot of bees! That's so weird.

Oh, man. How can... How can... Oh, man. A horse was killed and his owner seriously hurt when swarms of angry bees attacked him in Southern California. The man asked someone to check on his horses. He was being treated in a Riverside emergency room for numerous bee stings.

They say the reason why they attacked the horse was because the horse had fly repellent on them and exterminators were addressing the bee problem at the time of print. Oh my god. This means bees can outrun horses. Guys, that's fast.

That's like 80 miles an hour. Bees are fast. We should beat. Let's kill them all Get rid of all the bees Kill all the bees Do nothing for life on this planet No get rid of all that How many bees is that?

How many bees? 2,000 bees That's the thing That is not a sub So few bees Is it? 40,000 bees you think? A million bees

Yeah Enough bees to kill a horse. It's like all of Poughkeepsie. If all of Poughkeepsie were bees, they'd kill a horse. Covered in bees. I'm scared of bees for the same reason I'm scared of the Chinese.

One of them is fine, but when they really swarm up, what are you going to do? They can take down a horse. That's the thing. They're all going fucking crazy. It's a kamikaze mission for half of them. They die, right? Whenever a bee stings you, it rips their ass off

and their guts are hanging out and they just die. So I guess that horse did take a lot of bees with him. That horse is good. It's coming off! Oh my god! That is a disgusting body! Holy Christ. Was your mother's womb full of vinegar?

I don't even think you have bones. What is wrong with you? You're like a science project. Test, test. Alright. We lost the feed for a second, but we're back. We're back! Oh my god.

Look what your body did, Louis. Your body literally shut down the internet. Oh my goodness. I gotta... Rogaine is sweating down into my eyes and burning them. Oh, Rogaine. I cannot see. And it's horrible in here.

Are you on Rogaine right now? Yeah, I'm on Rogaine right now. Why? You should do the hair transplant surgery from all those nipples. Those hair nipples. Pop those right on the old top. I guess that's why it's working. Is all that Rogaine dripping on your...

Is that why you have all that hair on your shoulders? No. Yeah, that's the thing. Oliver's neck, too. It's working. It is working. Yeah, it's going to have two lines going down from his forehead to his face.

Just like hair. Just random sweat hair. Is Rogaine like birth control? Like you gotta take a pill every day? No, that's Propecia, which I'm also on. Really? I didn't even think you were balding.

I guess that's why. That's exactly. But you're not losing hair. Exactly. See what I'm saying? It's working so well you didn't even know. That's perfect.

Does it smell bad though? Because I heard Rogaine has a terrible odor to it. I don't know. Will you smell it? No, not really. That's the Old Spice working against the Rogaine. Yeah! He to it. I don't know. Will you smell it? No, not really. That's the Old Spice working against the Rogaine.

Yeah! He's really good at this. He's got it all worked out, wearing deodorant and everything. What an adult. He's a real guy. When are you going to get a vasectomy? What? A vasectomy? Do you think you'd get a vasectomy? I actually told my mom once

that I was at my sister's graduation And I told my dad He says when are you going to have kids I said I got a vasectomy He's like oh you're fucking with me I'm like yeah He's like I'm going to tell your mom that He told my mom

And she got really mad And she confronted me And lied for the food At the Just be like mom It wasn't my fault I was in the mall There was this ball slasher

Coming all around And just tripped him Tripped him She goes You have a vasectomy No I hadn't had it But I lied I was joking around with my dad He's like I'm going to tell your mom Then my mom Because I tripped him. She goes, you have a vasectomy. No, I hadn't had it, but I lied. I was joking around with my dad.

He's like, I'm going to tell your mom. Then my mom goes, what do you want? I'm in line for crackers. She goes, your father told me what you did. And like,

I turn around to like not laugh at her, but it looked like a dramatic turnaround. Like I couldn't face her. I just love that. I go, it's my body.

You're like a 16 year old girl, but you're instead getting a vasectomy It's usually about tattoos Or something like that She got really mad man It hurt her feelings And she was mad the whole day And I didn't know why she looked so mad

And I find out later on She confronted me And she goes Is it true? And she slapped me on the face And she was crying She said that wasn't funny Which that's what really hurt

And then my fucking dad, he sold me out. He's like, you shouldn't have kept it going that long. I was like, this is your fucking joke. You did this. And he totally sold me out, 100% on that. And then we all had to share one room for the rest of the weekend. It was horrible. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah, my old man got up and sexed me as soon as I was born. No more. Yeah, yeah. Really? That's true, yeah. He waited until you... I was talking about this on the way over here. Talking about how much we didn't want to have kids. It's weird. I did the exact same fucking thing.

I told my mom last week, I'm going to get my tubes tied. She's like, that's a slap in the face to me. Saying that you want to get your tubes tied. Saying you don't want to share the family heritage. It's like, that's bullshit. I just don't want to have kids. What are you fucking talking about? I'm a small Asian kid. I want to buy one of bullshit. I just don't want to have kids. What are you fucking talking about?

I'm going to buy one. I'm going to buy one. Genius, mathy, Asian kid. He's going to make tons of money. I want a real strong black kid. I want a linebacker. I just don't think they come that way. You have to make them that way. You're just going to have a terribly fat

black kid who wants to be a comedian. What happened? I got you because you're a black kid. No, no. He'll know nothing of my life. What are you going to do? How is that possible? What do you mean? I see you waking up every morning early with your son and being like,

we're throwing around this goddamn football. We're throwing around this football and if you don't catch it, I'm going to give you a stern. He better fucking catch it or I'm sending you back to Nigeria. Jesus. Now, Ed, you're going to get a little me, man. A little kid who wants to fucking hang out in the

backyard and pretend to be a vampire all day. And not throw a football, not throw a baseball, buddy. I'm telling you. I prayed for you. If I get one of you, you ain't going to get any of me. I'll tell you that much. Oh my goodness No daddy's what made me No, you're gonna be a terrible father, Eddie

Try not to fuck your imaginary kid Yeah, just do your best not to do that Like, Holden and Louis Like, obviously, Louis, no offense Not an athletic guy, from what I can see Look at that You have some guns I'm not athletic.

You're not athletic. I just wanted to show that off. He's just big. And I'm a bit athletic. A little bit. But a little bit. What's your favorite sport? You think you could work with me?

I could work with you. Why would you do like shot put or like? No, we wouldn't do shot put. Fucking jump over things. Probably put him on the hurdles. No, I ran one, two hurdles in high school. That was my thing. I can tell people's athletic abilities just by looking at it. What's I ran one, two hurdles in high school. That was my thing. Tell people's athletic abilities.

What's mine? What's mine? Nothing, nothing, and nothing. You're just going to get burned with a lighter. You've got an extreme tolerance for pain. I bet you're good at raising wolves, too. Eating all sorts of weird meats. You don't even have a football.

It's just a coffee can full of cement, and you just throw it at the kid. Catch the football! It's not a football, Dan. It's cement. Well, staying in the realm of animals. All right. And this one's actually a little bit heartwarming. A kitten was found alone, clinging to life on the side of a highway,

and taken to a shelter on July 21st. This is in England. However, he hasn't been adopted yet because this kitten has a Hitler mustache. Oh, I want him. Those are super popular. They have that whole website. The Hitler cats. Yeah, no one's been adopting this little Kittler.

Someone's going to adopt him. They have a picture of him. I see the website from over here of him Sighiling. Yeah, he is Sighiling. Yeah, no one's going to take him. Have you seen that house that looks like Hitler? No. Google it.

You'll find it. There's a house that looks like Hitler. And now I have to delete come-in-the-ey eyes AIDS and put in Hitler House. You are just flagged like a mother. Holy shit, it does look like Hitler. I just feel like someone looking exactly like

Hitler House. And the party is like, does it look like Hitler? Because they said it, but then you really look at it and you're like, oh, it looks like Hitler. It's got the little doorway mustache. does it look like Hitler? Because they said it. But then you really look at it and you're like, oh, it looks like Hitler. It's got the little doorway mustache. Was it done on purpose? No, it couldn't have been done on purpose. Even the hair on top, it's got the siding or whatever.

And it's great because on Google Images, there's a picture of Hitler's face right next to the house. Did you see when I shaved my mustache when I did a Hitler? That was amazing. That was fucking amazing. I practiced. That was like 20 pictures to look just like Hitler. I made his expression. He's kind of sad. He's intense but sad. He did a Hitler. That was fucking amazing. I practiced. That was like 20 pictures to look just like Hitler. I like his expression. He's kind of sad. He's like intense but sad.

He's a painter. He's just a failed artist. It's a tough life. Just like Louis, so I don't understand. We'll see. I'll start genociding soon enough. Oh yeah. Who are you going to take out? The Krauts. The Krauts? That was bad. I don't know. The Krauts would The Krauts? That was a bad joke.

I don't know. The Krauts would have been better. What were you saying? I said the Krauts. You're making me repeat the joke that you just already booed. I just booed him. He's going to kill the Krauts. The Krauts. The Krauts.

Other people can pronounce words properly. I don't know who that is or what that is. I know. I thought he meant like kraus, like sauerkraust. That's what he thought, which is kraus. Another German thing. He's so Jewish, though. Can we move on?

This is like two minutes on a failed joke of mine. Can we move on to something else? It's not something else that looked like Hitler. Is there anything we could talk about? Let's move on to a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Roundtable lightning round. Real quick, you've got to answer as fast as humanly possible.

Marcus is going to keep score. Wait, do you know all of our names, though, yet? No. Chris, you know the names? I'm going to throw a couple to you, Chris. We're going to do four rounds. Yeah, we're going to do four rounds. If he says one of our names, just raise your hand so he knows.

Yeah, yeah, just point. And then point at somebody if you don't know the name. I'm going to go real quick. You ready? I'm just going to answer real fast. Who on the round table would you answer the question? You only have to say one person. Ben Kissel, who on the round table would you murder?

Louis. Cats. Jackie, if Ed were a fruit, what fruit would he be? A peach. Kissel. No, this is for Louie Kissel, are you going to eat his ass or give him a blowjob? Blowjob Kissel, no, Louie I'm going to give him a blowjob

You give him a blowjob Alright, who would you be if you had the chance, Ed, on the round table? Oof That's like an awful Kevin The one who's not here Who's sleeping right now Alright alright

Let's go with Chris Who would you fuck Uh Louis Fantastic Alright What do we How are we

How are we doing here Marcus What do you think Is that the first round That's the first round Alright Louis You got uh Five Thank you

Uh Ben This all completely doesn't make any sense Marcus You got Ben you got three Why Cause you suck Why Five. Thank you. This all completely doesn't make any sense. Marcus has the boy's assistance. Ben, you got three. Why? Because you suck. Why? What the fuck?

You were going to kill me, man. That's a fucking shitty answer. You don't kill the guest. I'm sorry. This is an angry whose line is it anyway? Jackie, you get four because peaches are pretty good. Also, peach for the Allman brothers. Oh, there you go. Jackie gets six.

What? You can't compete with the Y. It was very good. Chris, how's Chris doing? Chris, you get two because someone had already said Louie. Oh, all right. Gotcha. All right.

And Ed, you get negative one because you don't like any of us. Yeah, there you go. That's ridiculous. Next lightning round on the round table. There's seven people in here. Amber Nelson, who are you going to take as a human servant? Ed.

Ed, awesome. Jackie, who do you eat? Ben Kissel. Yeah! Jerky Kissel. Yeah, Jerky Kissel Yeah Jerky Kissel Yeah

Alright well this is Going to make this easier Ben Kissel What condiment Are you going to Wrestle Jackie in Tabasco sauce Yeah

God damn Get it up inside me I like that This is a good one Ed who are you going to Be buried alive with You Alright

Fuck that I just want an extra Room in the coffin Fucking knife to your throat going to be buried alive with? You. Alright, fuck that. Just want an extra room in the coffin. Fucking knife to your throat. Louis Katz, who do you bury alive? Who are you going to bury alive, Louis Katz? I guess Kissel, man. Just his revenge.

Fuck yeah. That's everybody's answer. Marcus, how do they do? Louis, you get a six because I like your style Eddie, you get an eight for originality I love the knife That's not original to kill Holden? To be in a coffin with Holden

Face to face on our bellies And I got a knife to his head That's pretty great Until we die That's a good time Ben, you get a seven because you're spicy our bellies and I got a knife to his throat. That was pretty great. Until we die. Yeah, that's a good time. Ben, you get a seven because you're spicy. Yeah!

Jackie, you get a five. I can't remember why. And Amber, you get a seven. Yeah. Human servant. Great answer. Because Ed is obviously the good choice and you made it quick. Exactly. He's a good workhorse. I'm a good worker.

Yeah, he's a good worker. All right. Do you need some shit, though? Next lightning round. We're going to start with you, Chris. Who are you going to go on a killing spree with? This guy right here, definitely. Marcus.

Yeah, it is the obvious choice. All right, all right. Jackie, who are you sailing around the world with? Ooh, Ed, of course. What? Drink and booze. Drink and booze. No, it's because they want you to work. they want you to be the cook on the fucking thing but i get to see the world ben who are you ben who are you gonna go on a killing spree i'm sorry

i did killing spree who are you gonna grow up with ben who i'm gonna grow up i want to grow up with uh amber nelson i want to mature with her oh that's so you would pine for her your entire life and then she would date every other man around you and never sleep with you. If I ever bring reality into this show like that again, I will fucking walk out of here. Biatch!

Amber, who are you going to puke on? Who do you puke on? I puke on Marcus because he'd be cool with it. Yeah! And with that, that ends our next round. Marcus, what do you say? What are the points? Alright, Ben, you get with it. Yeah. So cool with it. And with that, that ends our next round. Marcus, what do you say? What are the points? All right, Ben,

you get a six. Yeah. Yeah. Jackie, you get a seven. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because once again, you went, yeah,

it's the best answer. Chris, you get a nine. Whoa! Because I'm obviously the best fucking choice for a killer I've been watching him score He wrote a 10 and put it down to a 9 I thought 10 was a bit much

I put down 10 You wanted to get my 100 The reason why I gave you a 9 is because you don't know any of us and you looked and you made the right decision That's the only people that you asked is because you don't know any of us and you looked and you made the right decision. Yeah, you really did. And that's the only people that you asked. That's it?

All right, so let's do the final round for the last of the points. We'll decide the winner after this. You know, not everybody gets questions every round. You haven't gotten a question. No, no, no. Not everyone's gotten a question. I'm starting with Louie in this round. I know so many people, you know.

Louie, who would you have the childhood you be molested by? Amber. Yeah. You got awesome. Bad babysitter. Louie, you got lucky this week. Yeah, no doubt.

It's usually real ugly. Yeah, it's real bad. Kissel, who are you going to burn down a house with? Oh, my goodness. I got to go Marcus, I think. I just got to go with Marcus. I'm real good at burning down houses. I would like to submit my resume.

It was so hard between Eddie and Marcus. That's a real doozy. But I got to go Parks, I guess. Well, I have the experience. No, exactly. He's got the background for it. Marcus has debauchery on his resume. No, no, no.

That was my dad's hobbies. He'd just drive around, find abandoned houses around the country, and then set them on fire. That's Texas. Because you can! And also, they were safety hazards. It's Texas, man. It's insane.

It's always on fire. Chris, who are you going to have be your best man? And the women are included in that. Well, I don't think they can be. What? I don't think the women should be included. Well, for that reason, I'm going to have them both be my best man. Yeah!

What? Fuck you! Fuck you! We're going to have the best bachelor party. Oh, yeah. We're showing up in Texas in your bachelor party. Jackie, who's going to have the best bachelor party. Oh yeah, we're showing up in Texas and you're at a bachelor party. Jackie, who's going to kill you? Ed.

Fantastic. Ed, who are you going to rape in prison? You. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Cut your butt. Who haven't I asked this round? Who haven't I asked this round? I would respect you if you killed me.

Amber, who are you going on an acid trip with? That was your idea, too. Jackie. Of course, you should. Any day I'd recommend it. I think that's everybody, right? Alright. I still have to remember.

Louis, you got a 4? I think it was a 9. You think it was a 9? It wasn't a 9. No,, you got a four? I think it was a nine. What is it? You think it was a nine? It wasn't a nine. No, it wasn't, though. It wasn't a nine. I'm pretty sure it was a nine. Yeah.

No, it wasn't a nine. Ben, did you ask Ben two questions? I might have. Yeah. You get an eight for picking me for the house burning.

That's a good way to do it. Again, no. It's a good decision. I can break down a door, Eddie. I don't need you, but none of us can climb up a chimney. You know, that's what we need to work for. A chimney. Get rid of Kisly.

You do it with me. We'll have a much easier time of getting away. I have long legs. Yeah, but he's smarter. Are you fucking my asshole right now? That is insane. Don't know the fire word. That's insane. Don't know the fire word. That's terrible.

Asshole. And you get a six for the second one. Which I don't remember. I think it was rape in prison, right? No, that would be Eddie. And Eddie got a four because he didn't choose me because I'm the most obvious choice.

I just want to do it to him. Because I'm the prettiest. No, I just want to do it to him. I just want to punish me. Oh, he wants to punish you. It's out of punishment. It's not out of, like, attraction. Oh, okay. It's got nothing to do with wanting to fuck Holton. Well, I'm the prettiest man in here.

First of all, stop listening to those Asians you're fucking. Second of all, it was like Marcus took that so seriously and was just so upset that you didn't choose him. It was like, Marcus took that so seriously and was just so upset that you didn't choose him. I was very upset. I just want to fuck Holden and ruin his life. That's good. Well, in that case, since you were thinking of me, you get a seven.

I appreciate that. Arbitrary points. Jackie, were you asked a question last round? Yeah, I was. Who would kill me? I said Ed. Seven. I'd kill you real nice.

Respect me as you killed me. I'd probably just do some cyanide or something. Hold your head while you went to sleep. Pet your head. Kiss you nicely on the lips and stuff. I'll miss you. You wouldn't butt slasher. No butt slasher. No, yeah, no butt slasher.

And Amber, you got an eight for an excellent choice. Thanks, man. Chris, you got a one because you didn't follow the rules. Whoa. Chris, break it all the rules. We're not supposed to show about rules. What the fuck just happened? A lot of rules.

I make this about rules whenever I decide. What was the rule that Chris broke? Best man and someone said, you said no women. And then I said it was two. And he defied. Oh, I think he needs to get a ten. Hold on a second. He gets a one for that and I get a negative one for saying I want to be Kevin Barnett?

Give him another negative. Can we duck off some more? You can duck off the points. You'll see who's going to be black later in the night. Alright. Here's the winner. Well, I mean,

really, by default, Ben wins because you asked him five questions. Yeah! Fuck you! Awesome! Well, everyone else got three, but Ben got five. So we're just going to go ahead and take off Ben's last two questions. Yes, of course. No, no, no. Take off the two lowest. That would be the most fair.

And who wins? No, no, no. Take Ben out of the game. Ben doesn't belong in the game. On the next show, Eddie and I are doing an intelligence test. That's the fucking segment. I'm not going to let this stand. All right. The next show, we're doing an intelligence test. Eddie versus Ben. I'll make the segment. I'm not going to let this stand. All right, the next show we're doing an intelligence test of Eddie versus Ben. That is the segment.

You can do IQ tests online pretty easy. Well, not that easy. That's true. Not that easy. Ben doesn't know what online means, so we've got to get

in that across. Yeah, it's like when you go to the DMV, right? When you're online. I think that's inline. You're a fucking... What are you going to say to her? Gunk.

You're a skunk. You belong in a chimney. That's what people from New Orleans say online. What? Instead of saying in line, they say online. That's the thing. There are smart people in New Orleans. I've got the first story.

I'm online. All right, Marcus, get to the numbers. All right. So the numbers we have at the very bottom, we have Ed with 12. Such bullshit. Yeah. You wanted to be fucking black. We have Ed with 12. Such bullshit. You wanted to be fucking black. Welcome to it, my friend. Coming in next, we got Chris

at 13. I appreciate your choice, Chris. You did great. I don't agree with Marcus' point system with the two girls being best man. Plus, you're like a fucking badass with two chicks as your best man. Yeah, yeah.

If you're going to contest my fucking scoring abilities, you shouldn't ask me to do it. All right. Next up, we got Louie, 15. Not bad, not bad. Ben, you got 16. I got jumped all the way down? Yeah, fuck you. Wow, it's between the girls for the champion. Ben, you got 16. I got jumped all the way down? Yeah, fuck you.

Wow, it's between the girls for the champion. It's between the girls. And the runner-up of the roundtable challenge is Jackie Zebrowski. Yeah! Amber Nelson! So much better than Jackie! Amber, what do you say? Here she is.

This is questions. I am going to break everything in this room. All right, this is the round table. Gentlemen, we better end it now. For Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Horny McNeely. Thank you, Louis Katz. Thank you so much, Chris Tinkle. Thank you so much, Amber Nelson.

I am Ben Kissel, Marcus Parks. We'll talk to you next week. It'll be a lot of fun, I think. I'm looking forward to it. I am Ben Kissel. Marcus Parks. We'll talk to you next week. It'll be a lot of fun, I think. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. Fuckers! Bone man!