The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 58: Do Horses Sweat?

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

But donkeys do! Tune in to hear us discuss donkey racing, what happens when a meth head gets horny around a cat, and just what teaching math in Philadelphia can drive you to do. The answer is die.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. So once more you crunch! Put some ham on it! Dear Lord. Yeah! Thank you for munchable

crunchables. The ones that you can crunch! That's fun. Thank you for munchable crunchables and all the other wonderful things you can find in your local movie theater, including a large popcorn and a 20-ounce soda for only $4.95, which is a good deal. That's a great deal.

I was going to say $13.99. Yeah, and for Eddie's shirtless being. Yeah, Eddie just took his shirt off. Eddie's taking his shirt off. The beast is released. I've got to wear this shirt all night. 35 seconds into the podcast and someone's already taken their shirt off. It's just bizarre.

Usually people wear their shirts the whole day. The one they put on in the morning, they just let it ride the entire night. You drink as much as me and it just leaks out of your fucking chest. Alright, amen for that. Velkommen to the round table of gentlemen.

Velkommen. Alright, we're having fun here. It's kind of fun. Alright, this is the program. I wonder who's're having fun here. It's kind of fun. All right, this is the program. I wonder who's on the show today. That's kind of fun. Who is it? Who is on the show?

Who is on the show? I'm wondering. Jackie Zabrowski. Ed smells like bologna. That is bologna. Ed Larson, she is correct. I have bologna in my armpits. It's cheaper than deodorant.

Holden McNeely, and I just want to say I love Marcus's big hands. They make me feel safe. Thank you. Thank you very much. Kevin Barnett, I want to say I hate everything about Holden and his gay-ass face. I agree with Kevin. He's pretty gay. Happy birthday, Kevin!

It's Kevin's birthday! It's Kevin's birthday! It's Kevin's birthday! How old are you, Kev? 25. My friend is 25! Whoa! I don't know how old they are, but God knows. Alright, this is

fun. What about Henry? Ladies and gentlemen, let me announce somebody who is not having a birthday, but he is 25. He's not 27. 27 years fat. Put your hands together for Henry Zebrowski. Your applause makes me strong. He's getting larger. He's getting larger! He's getting larger!

And now Eddie's having sex with him. All right, and with us as always, the newsman himself, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you have for us today, buddy? Big hands ears have for us. Big hands! God, look at the size of those big, meaty cock hands. It's like a spider fucked a dish. Out of Colorado,

certain aficionados of the sport have called for donkey racing to become the official sport of Colorado because it is the only sport that is indigenous to the state. Are they going to call it poopy racing soon? A poopy racing! A little roundtable joke. Poopy, poopy, poopy.

That's great. How does a donkey race work? Do you do it in a circle? What about skiing? Don't they ski a lot there? No, no, no. Indigenous. You see, donkey racing, it's the slowest donkey wins. Oh, I see. But he's also the

smartest and the cutest donkey. It's more of a beauty pageant than anything. Well, how donkey racing got its start, it is inspired by gold prospectors who rushed their donkeys into town to register new finds. Oh, come on. I gotta get in the town so I can register my gold mine. Come on, slow donkey.

Be a fast donkey. They just ended up getting laughed by those people on the horses. That's very sad for the donkey people. I bet they're really good at carrying all that really heavy gold, though. Oh, yeah. You know, cheers for that. Cheers for those donkeys. Cheers all around.

If you could ride one four-legged animal, what's it going to be, how are you racing it, and why? My ex-wife. Hey! Hold it, mate, Neely! No, it beat me. I was going to say Oprah Winfrey. Oh, well. Make a little more money.

Stay fat. She'll get with you. No, I'd probably pick a pig. Oh, pig raising would be adorable. A huge one? Or a little tiny one? A big one. The biggest possible.

Pig flesh is like human flesh. See, I'd want two little tiny ones and put them on like roller skates. Strap them to your feet. A big pink piggy. It's the closest to riding an actual cock. That's pretty fun. If I were really tiny, I would ride a frog.

Oh, that would be fun, Jackie. That would be the cutest. Oh my Christ. Frog princess. That would be the cutest. Oh, my Christ. Be the frog princess. I am the frog princess. That is terrifying. That's scary. You just got warts all on your tank.

Right, exactly. Just registered three new nightmares in my nightmare registry. Well, here's a quote from one of the donkey racers. From one of the donkeys. From one of the donkeys. He-oh! I'm a donkey. Here's a quote from a donkey racer. One of the donkeys. One of the donkeys. He-oh! I'm a donkey! Here's a quote from a donkey racer.

Quote, Feeling the sweat and the dust smelling the donkey next to me. It makes me feel alive. Jesus Christ. The saddest shit I've ever heard. It sounds like Hunter S. Thompson was following the race or something with that description. It sounds far more alive than it is. I wonder though if all the donkey racers are just like failed horse jockeys.

They're just really fat. They're like super short, but they're super fat. Do donkeys sweat more than horses do, do you think? I don't think they sweat. I don't think animals sweat. No, they have their tongues out. Horses don't sweat. They don't pant.

That is not true. Marcus, you're running... Animals sweat, Ben. Since when? Horses sweat. Can we do donkey sweat? Since they became mammals. Oh, well, okay.

Let's get into fucking devolution, shan't we? No. I am saying... Devolution? I like that. Thanks, buddy. Do they sweat? That sounds disgusting.

Of course they sweat. I didn't think animals sweat. Toads don't sweat. Because they're amphibians. Well, who cares? Who knew that? God damn it. You're why the History Channel and the Discovery Channel

are now just shows about ghost experts and shit. No, they do a show called Pawn Stars and they haven't conquered the horse sweat yet. So as soon as they do, I'll learn a lot about it. It's fucking boring to learn about, is how horses sweat sounds real boring. Well, you have no idea how much fun I'm having. The donkey race is decided by which donkey sweats the most. Yeah, exactly.

The winning guy who's riding a donkey gets to drink it. Yeah, that's a fun little thing. And the race is over when the first donkey dies. It's a race where they go in circles, but all the horses stay in the same place the whole time. Do they ride them in circles? Is that the race?

I don't know what donkeys can do. Here's the race. You don't need to learn to read. Every time I think of a donkey, I just think of it with boxing gloves Kicking somebody's ass That's a kangaroo No, a kangaroo always has boxing gloves There's a movie about a mule

Do you know what a donkey is? Yeah, they sweat, right? Here's how a donkey racing works The riders must coax, push, and pull a donkey Through the Colorado mountains as quickly as possible. So they don't ride the donkey? Well, they ride the donkey, and then they don't ride the donkey. It seems to me like this is stupid people racing.

The donkeys are like, can you believe this challenge? We can just ride all these people. Well, one of the fans says official status would, quote, make me seem less crazy. What? Because they found out he's a donkey racer? That makes him seem less crazy. What? Because they found out he's a donkey racer? That makes him seem less crazy? No, no, no. If they make it official, that'll make him seem less crazy. No.

He knows what he's doing. He'll just really shed poorly on society as a whole. He'll make it more official if anything. Colorado is deep problems. Yeah, these guys, they've started petitions, sent emails to state legislators, and put their donkeys on parade in an effort to see their sport gain official recognition. Donkeys on parade!

I would love to be in a donkey parade. Absolutely. I just used to think parades were the gayest thing ever, but now I just don't know if it's true anymore. Now they're Mexican and gay. Right. It's the only parade in which Ed would be put in a dress and leading the parade.

I like the girl. People are just like, this town makes no sense. It's called Upside-Down Town. Well, I hope it takes off as a national sport. This could be really exciting stuff. It's a state sport in Colorado. But I got a story out of New York.

Oh! We're right here right now, man. We're in New York. We're in New York. Celebrating Kevin's birthday. Kevin, how does this feel, buddy? Hey, man. Do you feel like, did your dick get any bigger today?

25-year-old dick? Did it grow? Listen, man, my dick is at capacity right now. That's fantastic. I can't believe you're 25. You look like you're like 35. And the irony is when he's black, when he's 65, he's going to look like he's 25. They never age.

They're just beautiful people. God damn it. Well, whatever. They all look the same apparently. Can we get back to some white news? Because I just can't think about how we have... Maybe I'm 30 years old. I have maybe four more years. And I'm ugly now. So, I guess I'm... No, you've got like six.

Six? Well, that's pathetic. Either way, what's going on in New York other than my ugliness? Well, this is New York's... God damn, you're ugly. Well, okay. Thank you, Holden. Jesus Christ, you're like a Braille board, for Christ's sake.

I feel like you're going to tell me where the elevator is or the safety exit. All right. Well, this is actually out of Amherst, New York. This is New York State. A New York mother, when her son, who is 43 years old and retarded, whenever he began choking on food in the diner in Amherst, New York, she yelled, let him die. I mean, that's the best.

Is it illegal if you don't save somebody from choking? If they're retarded, I think it is. Is it? You would think that the retard would be able to get everything down his seagull-like gullet. You know, they're so strong. The woman is 68 years old. Her name is Rolaine Feugelman. Mrs. Feugelman, I'm sorry.

Your son is a little retarded. I'm Rolaine! Let him die! What did he joke on? She didn't just say it once. Legos. Yeah, exactly. They gotta stop getting the Legos from the old OCB buffet.

He ate an entire oven, man. Would you believe it? Yeah, she tried to stop the other page. He started choking on food and people started trying to help him and she just kept pushing him away and just said over and over, let him die, let him die. I just want to know, how do you choke on pudding? That's what I want to know.

That's a tough thing to ask. Too much of it. You try to eat the bowl as well. Yeah. It's about 30, 40 ounces of pudding. Yeah, yeah. It's in a funnel. Yeah, his neck's just all croaked out like the toe Jackie wants to ride.

Nargh. Hello. Now, he is in his 40s, right? That's long enough to be retarded. Oh, my goodness. He doesn't want to be alive anymore. Let him die. Let him die.

Retards love their life. Retards have a great life. They're champions of the world. I was just going to ask the table. Are you going to abort the Downy kid? Yes. Do you know he's Downy?

Of course. People are aborting him left and right now. You know before like six weeks? Yeah, you know. know. I would have a Downy kid. People are reporting them left and right now. You know before like six weeks? Yeah, you know. You can check the chromosomes. Yeah, you can check the X and the old Y there. I will say this. You flush that fucker out quick.

Kill it? Yeah, real quick. Absolutely. Do you keep it in a little can, though? I don't care what you do with it, as long as it doesn't grow up and yell at me for 20 years. Downy kids are pretty adorable, though. If you have any retarded kid, the downy kid is the one to go with. They're like dogs.

They love you. Unconditional love. Yeah, but they last so much longer than dogs. You have to deal with it. Yeah, but they don't have to go get a new downy kid every 10 years. They stick around. Dogs are cute, at least. I don't know.

I think downies are definitely the cutest of all retarded breeds. It looks like their face is sliding off. Yeah, it's kind of cute at least. I don't know. I think Downies are definitely the cutest of all retarded breeds. It looks like their face is sliding off. It's kind of cute though. It's adorable. It's like Jim Ross from WWE when he had palsy. If anyone remembers that. Well, I would tell my young Chinese wife, I would tell her that we will take

this child and you have it and then we'll sell it. You sell it or you just put a rake in its hand and you get it working young. I mean, speaking of racing donkeys, racing retards, that's where it's at. They're stronger than donkeys. They're not quite as smart as donkeys, but, you know, they'll get you to your destination. We already do that.

It's called the Special Olympics. Oh, my goodness. This is the thing. Retarded kids have the time of their lives. Versus retards. Fuck cowboys and aliens. Donkeys and retards is probably going to be the greatest blockbuster of all time.

Are we talking about a caged-in arena? No, through the mountains. That would be great. You push and pull a retard through the mountains. Yeah, not just in your riding. Sometimes you don't. You better be very careful, though. If it bucks, you're going off. Donkeys and retards starring Sylvester Stallone and Vin Diesel. Which one is the donkey?

Which one is the retard? Sylvester Stallone and Vin Diesel. Right. Which one is the donkey? Which one is the retard? Sylvester Stallone is the donkey. True question. Both retarded. I just want to take a second to say to our listeners, if you're offended by any of this, you're a fucking faggot. Whoa. All right.

All right. Let's not call anybody gay over here. Take it easy. Take it easy. Goodness. It's Kevin's birthday. Yeah. Oh, then you're dropping the F word like that.

Kevin's birthday. Jesus Christ. Kevin's birthday Holden, you're dropping the F word like that Where's the champagne and the big ass Like bitches and shit I guess he's not a walking stereotype Where's the malt liquor I'm a person, man You have needs and wants? Listen, man, my life is not a rap video I know, but that's why I became friends with you

I thought we were going to fucking get the bitches You get the bitches and shit. You get no bitches. That's true. I get so much money on women. Why will they not give me any of it? Because you got that braille face. That's the thing.

Is there a surgery? Is there something? I don't know. No, I don't think you can get rid of those sorts of lumps. Definitely not. Because the main problem is those lumps called your lips and the weird lumps called your eyes and your nose. I just wish I could be a Downey kid so I get some fucking sympathy every year. I feel like I want to be holding for one day

just so I can feel what it feels like to be completely hopeless. Oh, well, Marcus. Just give us another news story. Headline, man admits to sex with cat. Yeah, fuck the cat. What do you want to know about it? I bet you the cat's happy now. Took a bunch of pictures of it.

Cat fucking loved it. Cat's dead the cat's happy. Took a bunch of pictures of it. Cat fucking loved it. Cat's dead. That's a tiny asshole. That's the thing. Here's what happened. This is out of Council Bluffs, Iowa. A Council Bluffs man faces several charges after witnesses told police he threw a cat from a 7th floor apartment window

with his pants down. On Wednesday morning, officers were called to 455 West Broadway for a report of someone tossing a cat from an apartment and exposing himself. According to the police report, officers found a gray cat, which later died bleeding and barely breathing, near

the sidewalk. The 29-year-old man identified as Gerardo... That's how old I am. That's interesting. The 29-year-old man identified as Gerardo Martinez answered the door shirtless with his pants down. That's interesting. The 29-year-old man, identified as Gerardo Martinez, answered the door shirtless with his pants down. This also sounds like you, Ed.

He answered the door with his pants down? I even put on pants for Chinese food delivery. You're so respectful, Henry. Officers asked him to pull his pants up And asked him about the cat Martinez Who admitted to using Meth on the spot Yeah I'll use a bunch of Meth to fuck that cat

Yeah Sure Sure First denied having a cat Later he changed his story And told police His boyfriend Threw the cat from the window

Three hours prior When the police told Martinez That witnesses said The cat was thrown More recently He said that he attempted to have sex with the cat and then threw it out the window. He's a gay guy, huh? Yeah, he's a gay guy.

Gay marriage passed. That's like the definition of two steps forward, one step back. You know? Yeah. I always thought that cats had like pronged pussies. So like if you stuck your dick in, it prongs in on you. Then you were married forever. It's like

an Asian woman. We're assuming that he's fucking the cat in the ass. Well, you can't have sex with a cat pussy. Why not? Not through the mouth, though. No, because the animals are presenting at all times. I will say that. Yeah, they are. There's no way the cat pussy is smaller

than the cat ass. It has to be. You don't even see it. Where is the cat pussy? It's just right next to the ass. It's like every other mammal. I mean, what's grosser? Having sex with a cat in the butt or having sex with a cat in the pussy? I've never seen a cat's pussy.

I haven't either. You haven't looked hard enough. Apparently not. I gotta get home. There's so many stories about cat fuckers. when I was growing up, there was the town retard named Roger who would fuck cats and throw them into Iverson Lake, and everybody just knew about it, and no one would ever talk to him. People would just be like,

cat fucker, that's the cat fucker. What's this in middle America? People think that animals have no feelings whatsoever. They don't. Also, I refuse to believe that there was only one retard in your town. As far as I know that there was only one retard in your town. As far as I know, there was only one fucking cat. Did he fuck

a lot of them? He fucked tons of them. It was a situation. It was a deal. He was arrested one time because he was just fucking strays but then he took somebody's cat and fucked the cat. So then he was arrested. That's why retarded life is great because you never have to

actually go to jail and it's like speaking of Special Olympics it's like I know a lot of retarded people and when they win a race they think they're like the actual world champion

because their world is so small and they would have gotten fourth in that race they don't have to win it but just finishing they all get a blue ribbon and they all

everyone's a winner at all times retarded life is amazing and with the video games they just have the time of their lives. They have no idea that they're retarded. That's the beauty of being retarded. I think it's all you want is for someone to hit you in the head hard enough so that you yourself are retarded. That's why I want to start donkey racing.

I just want to go behind a donkey and have him kick me in the face. It'd be beautiful. That's why I always picture them with boxing gloves on. God, just walk around the halls of your mind. It's like Nightmare on Kisselstreet, man. Fucking terrible. I'm sleeping right now. Is none of this real?

No, man. We're all in your dreams. I was holding a dragon all of a sudden. I've always been. Man. Can you just take me through a date with you? A date? Because we were talking about all the women that you've been having sex with lately.

Yeah, we talked about this last night. It wasn't nice, necessarily, but it was fun. So how do you get those girls that you bring home? Which girls did I bring home? Which ones? I don't even want to say it. The girl, like, where did you find that one girl from the hotel show?

Oh, from the hotel show. Oh, okay. Oh my god, that was not a date. There was no whining and dining. That was a fucking six-pack alcohol. Are we just going to sit here and talk about holding sex life with her? I'm fascinated by it.

It is gross. It's gross to the pile of sweat in the back of my chair. I don't know if that's true. Imagine his sweat on your sweat. I sweat fucking hard. I know you do. They say it's sexist.

No one thinks that's sexist. They're just afraid you're going gonna hurt them unless you say it. I'm very binding. If I could say that. Binding? Bit of a bind situation. What does that mean? Entrapping.

Entrapping? You'd think you wouldn't because you'd think you'd be real slippery. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the fun thing. It's called catch it. Although I know someone that... I know someone that has slept with you and she said the best part about sleeping with you

is waking up and leaving before you woke up. Is that true, Jackie? Gross! Yuck! I have low standards. Not that low I will sleep in and you can leave We don't have to talk

That concludes Kevin's birthday gift For the show Just not holding What else we got in the news parks Got a story out of Philadelphia A math professor walked out of his class And dove head first over a second floor balcony

to his death. On purpose? No, not accidentally. He just was in the middle of a class, said fuck this, walked out, jumped off a balcony, killed himself. It was a suicide. It was only the second floor?

He fell 30 feet to the marble floor of a hall. Like, yeah, this guy dove head first, 30 feet. For getting a very important fact, he was 71 years old. Yeah. So he must have just shattered over there. Yeah, his name was Rudolph Zafino. Oh, man. Does it say what classes he taught?

He was a math professor. Oh, he was math. What college is this? This would be Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia. Oh, what a fucking Philly, man. Everything's horrible there. I don't know. I hate Philadelphia.

I haven't been there, but they just passed that texting while walking law. You can't do that in Philly. You can't text while you fucking walk? You can literally own a gun and shoot four people. And they're like, all right, that's fine. You get five. You can still puke on the mayor's daughter in Philadelphia. No problems there.

I think I'd fight the cop if he tried to give me a ticket for texting while walking. He'd be like, fuck you! I'm walking here! Don't you feel that way about smoking outside, though? I think that's retarded. I think it drives me fucking nuts. Like, you should be able to smoke in a goddamn bar. I quit smoking, and that makes me mad. Yeah, it's stupid. a goddamn bar. I quit smoking and that makes me mad.

It's stupid. Everyone should smoke. I quit smoking too. Smoke it up. If you have cigarettes, smoke everywhere you want. I understand about the inside thing. Also, certain bars, like dive bars, you should be able to smoke. This is a dive bar. Or a jazz club.

I'll tell you what, in lots of dive bars where you're not allowed to smoke inside, it has a lot of smokers. The smokers go outside, they start talking, causing noise complaints. Start fighting people on the streets. If they're just inside, letting them smoke, you wouldn't be dealing with all this shit.

If there's food at all inside, I understand why you shouldn't smoke inside. But other than that... It should be up to the people who fucking own the place. That's the thing. Smokers outside, it's like when they do fumigations to get rats out of a building next to another building

and then all of a sudden the building that didn't have rats is just full of rats because they just run away from all the poison. Smokers are rats. And they're smoking poison. But it is. Stay in Subway Bar. Don't be on the street when I walk past you because you're yelling weird things at me

about my butt. And no smoking at Coney Island is going to make it not a shitty, divey place. That was the thing that made it not classy when people were smoking. How about we get the syringes off the beach and then we'll talk about not smoking. Totally legal. You can do it.

Just make it not Coney Island anymore. You know what I mean? and then it'll be clean make it Sunny Island I feel like they should have made it that everyone had to smoke at least one cigarette if they go to Coney like you have to or you get a ticket right as soon as you get off the train they just hand you a cigarette at Lucy

smoke it smoke it smoke it I wonder if this college I wonder if that was part of the final for the class for this college professor. They had to write a paper on what they just saw or something like that. Did it tie into a lesson plan at all? It's math. Yeah, it's math.

One minus one equals zero. We have zero professor. That's what he wrote on the board before he jumped. One minus one equals... And then it's just a picture of his face. If I saw that happen though, I would probably immediately applaud. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. You have to applaud.

Just like, hell yeah man, you was done with it. He wanted it to be over, he fucking ended it and it was awesome. I mean, 71 though, isn't that a bit old? I feel like, let God sort him out of that point. Why? Maybe he was sick. Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe he's just like, fuck this, middle of the class,. Why? Maybe he was sick. Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe he's just like, fuck this.

Middle of the class. I want other people to see this. Maybe they're just fucking idiots in Philadelphia and can't learn math. And just couldn't handle it after 40 years of teaching them. So if you have 17 bullets in your gun, you shoot three people. But you take seven bullets, you take seven shots. How many bullets do you have left in your gun? Fuck you.

Well, I'm going to jump out the door now. Hey, y'all. Is this going to be on the test? Is this going to be on the test? You're an idiot. I feel like this story is fucking fake, man. There's no math in Philadelphia. Who's been to Philly here?

I've been to Philly. I have. For seconds, literally. I spent a night there. How was it? I had a fucking Philly. I have. For seconds, literally. I spent a night there. How was it? I had a fucking great time. That's fun. I just know that one video for this song, Streets of Philadelphia.

On the streets of Philadelphia. Of course the fucking movie, of course that's all about AIDS. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. I wish everyone could have just seen Jackie's face. That was adorable. They got that haunted jail in Philadelphia. Oh, man. They do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went on a tour

through that shit. Really? It was pretty great. They do haunted houses during Halloween time. Really? So it's not active anymore, right? And you can crash there. What? What's the haunted shit? I don't remember. It's a good website. I don't know. I don't really remember. I was checking out haunted houses and I wanted to go to a haunted house

and I was like, man, let's go to fucking Philly to the jail. Yeah. They also have a really awesome museum there. Text Will Walk. You'll get to the jail. They've got a bunch of real babies in jars and shit like that. Mudder Museum. Oh, yeah.

That's the museum. It's awesome. Are they retarded babies or normal babies? A lot of retards. A lot of half-breed babies. What's a half-breed? Half-doggy, half-baby? You don't even need to know, man. You got babies,

they ain't got no brain. No, no, that ain't black and white. No, no, like two, like three babies in one baby. That's not a half-breed. Half-breed is not the right word for that. Yeah, isn't that just called a Hispanic grandmother? Three babies in one baby? Breed. Get off the word breed.

That's not the right word. I'm not talking race, I'm talking breed I'm talking not right That's not the right word I like it though I didn't even pick up on that being offensive It's not offensive What is offensive?

Half breed Half breed is offensive If you go to Lisa Bonet And call her a half-breed, it's offensive. But if you go to someone that's got two faces because you have radiation and you call him a half-breed, he'll be like,

kill me. Teaching math in Philadelphia. Well, I guess so. Philadelphia. I just want to hear you sing more. What else happened? AIDS. Yeah.

Not bad. Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't think half-breed is that bad. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I didn't think it was that bad. Any more AIDS in the news, Marcus? No, but I got blood. All right.

Okay, blood. Maybe some future AIDS. Out of Canada. Future AIDS. What is that? Pew, pew, but I got blood. Alright, fair enough. Maybe some future aids. Out of Canada. Future aids! What is that? Just nothing. Just nothing? Everyone's fine? Yeah, it's all better. It's cured. Ontario police stopped a blood-soaked man riding his bike into town

carrying an axe. On the plus side, the blood was his own and there were no victims. That's not bad. What, did he cut his dick off? I don't know. What, did he just drop an axe on himself? I don't know.

Does nuts? That's what you do in Canada. That's when a Canadian says I'm going for a Sunday drive. That's what they do. Just having a gooey. There's no explanation of why it happened. They just picked him up.

He's well known among local police and he has a hefty criminal record. Bloody Dan. His name is Lawrence Karnwright. Lawrence Karnwright. In terms of profiling, I think that's probably the best type. If you're soaked in blood,

you probably should get stopped by somebody. Even if you're a fireman or you own a store. What about cum? Yeah. I don't think being soaked in cum is illegal at all. If you're crying, yes, you should be stopped. But if you're laughing maniacally, you should also be stopped. I'm covered in cum, can you see?

Covered in cum, Lady Lou. Come touch me. Give me a hug. I'm up to the fucking eyeballs in cum, can you see? Covered in cum, Lady Lou. Come touch me. Give me a hug. I'm up to the fucking eyeballs in cum. Rape is out the window. It's beyond that. It's beyond all of us. I just go for the cum.

Like a good milking. If you fill a cup up with cum, does it become a solid in a little bit? No, I don't think so. I'm always worried about it. If it's anything like the napkin in my room, it just sort of disappears. It just gets crunchy.

But if it's eaten like a big pop of it, it's a bunch of crunch. Crunch your lunch! Bunch of crunches, people! It's held together by cum I would love to just have a solidified cum rock And just throw it at a dude's face

That would be pretty great Why'd you throw this rock at me You're like dude you have no idea how bad it actually is Can you imagine going to someone's house Who has a little tub of cum that he keeps in the refrigerator And he's like oh you want some eggs And then like scoops out some of it And puts it in a frying pan and cooks a bunch of eggs and cum

You know what you want You don't want a fully solidified and then scoops out some of it and puts it in a frying pan and cooks a bunch of eggs and cum. You know what you want? You don't want it fully solidified. You want one that's like half solidified. It's like kind of brittle so whenever you throw it at him it just goes... And then you have to explain it to him. You just got to get hit in the face with cum.

Hey Kevin, how come you got gloves on, man? Oh! Yeah, he would cum on you. That's why they started calling me cum face. That's great. I would love to jack off a whole bunch of times and cum on people quite often. I saw a woman on the subway today.

Add it to the list of Ben's sound clips. That might be a good time. You never know where people are going to have a good time That's what I'm going to do Whenever Ben dies I'm just going to cut together Like two minutes Just like horrible sentences Just like over and over and over again

Like breast milk breast milk Trophy in the ass My brain is weird Speaking of breast milk I saw a woman breastfeeding on the subway for the first time today For the first time ever? I hate it I hate watching someone breastfeed I think it's disgusting

It was weird It depends on who it is It was a Mexican gal She was sitting next to her husband Her daughter had to be two or three years old She lifted up her shirt And it just dropped right into her mouth I don't know if it's a cactus tip

Because it wasn't like a cactus It was like a squash that's like four months old. It just like dripped right into their daughter's mouth there and she just suckled right on it. It was gross, man. It was weird. Do it in your fucking house. Do it somewhere else. Go into a bath.

The baby's hungry. It's going to fucking wait just like everybody else has to wait. But she's a baby, you know, and she needs to suckle. I understand like the need for the baby to want the bosom. Sure. When you're at home, teach the baby to wait. But she's a baby, you know, and she needs to suckle. I understand, like, the need for the baby to want the bosom, you know? Sure, when you're at home, teach the baby to wait. I guess so, but then again, I kiss my girlfriend in public, you know?

You suckle breasts for milk? Yeah, because she doesn't lactate right now. You know? It's like if there was constantly, like, a source of milk at all times amongst the people that I was hanging out with. If Eddie lactated, there's a good chance I would have sucked the milk. I'd be so popular. Yeah, you'd be amazing.

You'd be like, let's go to the soda bar. I'm just going to go to Eddie. I didn't want this coffee black at all. No problem. I got you. That's probably the greatest superpower of all time. Milk tits. That's why I just keep two Ziploc bags of milk In my pockets

Oh yeah That's not milk Yeah It's my milk Loads and loads of gum New kind of milk That I call Fuck

Gum Henry Zabrowski Showed up to the set that day Covered in white Stinky substance Removed by security I'm a toaster strudel That's a great Halloween costume

Yeah you should walk up Cover your cum Nah I'm a toaster strudel You also have to be on your period though So you got like the cherries on the inside Oh but did you see my jam though Oh Pussy jam

What about Yeah exactly What about pussy juice Pussy jam I mean Welcome about pussy juice Pussy jam Welcome to pussy jam That's the thing It's like a rock festival of the summer I would say getting splashed with pussy juice

Just doesn't sound nearly as bad What is that That's like a clear liquid Is it just pee No It's a different hole. Yes, but for everyone else, no. You know nothing.

No, it's astonishing. I've never pleasured a woman. I know they pee, so I was thinking maybe it was that. Haven't you been with splackers before, though? I thought you talked about splackers. I've seen them online. I've come to a lot of splackers, which is

mostly pee, according to porn stars. It's gotta be. It comes out of the same hole. It is not anywhere near pee. It's sugar and water. Scientists don't actually know why women ejaculate and they don't even... In water.

That's the thing, man. Scientists don't actually know why women ejaculate, what the biological function of it is. They only know that it comes out of the urethra, and it is mostly sugar and water. Yeah, it's to scare away bears. It's kind of a defense thing. It's like squid ink.

She just runs. Have you ever tasted it before, though? A female pleasure vagina? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, of course. Does it still taste bad, or does it before, though? A female pleasure vagina? Yeah, of course. Does it still taste bad or does it taste like cum? You've all tried your cum, right? I've always been heavily inebriated whenever I've tried it.

I've never tried my own cum. Ben has tried his own cum. I've kissed a girl after I came in her mouth, but I couldn't tell. I would never, ever choose to taste my own cum.. Yeah. But I didn't taste it. I couldn't tell. Snowballs, huh? She snowballed you? I would never, ever choose to taste my own cum. No, there's no reason to do it. Have you tasted your own cum, Jackie?

No, that's what I was just wondering. But I feel like it's easier because women don't shoot out all over my head. It's just amazing. They have sugar water and milk. One time I was jerking off and I came and it shot into my mouth. Oh! So I will say that I Oh! How was it? It kind of tasted like

bready. Yeah, it's bisquick. It might still be bisquick. Kind of like bread. But like raw kind of like bread dough. Yeah, if you've ever eaten bread dough it kind of tastes like bread dough. Just come into a bread pan

for a long time and bake it. Yeah. Then you got your cum bread. Someone has baked cum easily. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Women are like soda machines with the milk and the sugar water. That's so insane to me. You guys milk food.

I just can't believe you make food with your body. It's so weird. I wish I could carbonate something that came out of my body. Then I would be the best. We'll just part into a bunch of seltzer. So bizarre. You gonna try some of my fart water? I farted

out all this soda. Out of my water. Rolaine. Enough cum could make a cum pancake then. Sure. Could you do something like that? Cumcakes. I bet vegans could eat that shit. cake then. Sure. Could you do something like that? Cupcakes. Cupcakes. Interesting. I mean, if you really want to cook that. I bet vegans

could eat that shit. No, they can't. It's made by an animal. I hate vegans so much. We all do. Do you think vegans swallow cum? I mean, it's an age-old question. I have no idea. It's the age-old question. It's their only sense of protein. Yes.

Vegans swallow cum. Or at least I have no idea. Is this the age-old question? It's your only sense of protein. Yes. Or at least the vegan that I was with. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad. Fuck them, then. They shouldn't, though. If they're going to stick to everything else,

they'd be like, ew, ew, I did, ew, you made it. It tastes like bread, and I had bread, and it tastes like chickens, and I hate, hate them. I hate them. They shove it in my face all the time, and I hate them. I shove it in my face all the time and I hate them.

Do you hang out with a lot of vegans? I have... Fucking hate vegans. They come into... I work at a pie shop and I deal with a lot of them. They're like, I would eat that,

but it's not vegan. I would eat that, but it's not vegan. Well, that's the old joke. That's the joke. How can you tell a vegan? Oh, they'll let you know. Oh, yeah. Oh old joke. That's the joke. How can you tell a vegan? Oh, they'll let you know.

I've met a few that are not that annoying. I don't want to say. It is just a stereotype. But I've met so many that if I could just force them to skin a pig and eat it raw, I would. Well, I wouldn't do that. Oh, absolutely. Just shove it in.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I work well Me and Jackie work at the same place Shut up I see them, I can just fucking spot them They're walking like, I smell animal protein You know what I do sometimes Is that, you know, in the soy milk Sometimes they'll put like a little bit of real milk in there Like some whole milk in there

Just to fuck with them They don't know. They're never going to know what's going on, but you know what? I'm making them fuck up their little ethics and their whole little world. They don't even know what's happening, but it's pretty great. It's like when you're pissing the pickles, man. It's all about pissing the pickles. God damn it, Ben.

You just make everything worse every time. A segment from Holden McNeely! I mean, it's a simple let's turn the AC back on soon segment. It's Kevin Barnett's birthday. 25 years young. 25 is actually a really good year, though.

27 is useless. It's a quarter of a decade. A quarter of a century, rather. 25 is a bad year for me. 28 sucks. 25 was pretty fucking awesome. 25 was pretty righteous for me. 25 was pretty fucking awesome, actually. 25 was great.

We've established Kevin. 27 was the best. Well, I'll tell you what. Nothing Kevin loves more than hate. So let's do the circle of hate. Hating Kevin. Hating something. Hating anything.

Hate yourself. I hate me. I hate Kevin. Kevin hates me so much. I feel it. It's true. And I love my hatred. We I hate me. Kevin hates me so much. I feel it. It's true. And I love my hatred. We all hate you.

Thank you, Jackie. I hate you too. I mean, you're just ugly and unlikable. It's a problem. Oh, that's why. You've pinpointed it. I thank a girl every time she just lets me say words to her. I thank her for that.

God damn. I love them though with the fucking titties. Woo! I love those titties. God damn, I love them though with the fucking titties. Woo! I love those titties. Thank you. Thank you. That is not good. I saw a tit today.

You suck. So give it up. You saw a tit today? Oh yeah, I saw a tit. Who's tit? That's going to say on the radio. Fool me once. Shame on me.

Shame on me. Shame on you. I feel like Barnett should go around and say what he hates about everybody on the rest of the table. But the problem is he's just going to stay on me for, well, I guess that's what's going to happen. You can hate on anybody he likes, though. Let's hear it, Barnett. What do you hate, man?

What do I hate? First of all, you guys are all white. I live a much better life than you. Jealous of you. Extremely. I hate that I'm having to stare at Ed's fucking hairy ass sorry body. He's running something. You look disgusting. His parents are just

rutted when he had sex. Gross. No, man. I'm just hating that I'm having to live in this sorry ass hot ass room right now, man. It's ridiculous. I can't even concentrate on anything. I'm just hating that I have to live in this sorry-ass, hot-ass room right now, man. This is ridiculous. I can't even concentrate on anything. I'm just sweating. I've been sweating all day.

You guys are such pussies. You're supposed to be from fucking Florida, and you're always... We got air conditioning. We live like animals out here. I never spend any time outside. The saddest thing in the world is sitting in a hot-ass house, trying to take a dump, and the toilet paper's sticking to me sweating. It's so bad.

I hate it. I'll noddle up on your hands and shut up. I hate it. I hate that too. I hate everything about living. Shut up. That's it. I really do.

I just hate it. The whole thing. The whole fucking process of living. I just want to be that college professor. Just jump off a fucking second floor building after educating minds. See, this is where everyone gets in August in New York City. Everyone just wants to die. That's the thing. Yeah, that's the whole thing.

Oh, the winter's so cold. It's like, fucking shut up. The winter is so much more miserable than this. No way. I will say the winter doesn't ruin everybody's favorite activity, which is the poo-poo. Summertime literally ruins... Summertime ruins pooping. See, I take off all my clothes when I poop.

That's disgusting. You're so weird. I hate that. I do the same thing, man. Great. I used to work with this Puerto Rican guy at the cheese steak restaurant. He used to get naked every time he shit in the little bathroom in the back. He just told me.

He's like, ah, every time I shit, Papi, I get completely naked. I shit in the little bathroom in the back. He just told me. Every time I shit, Papi, I get completely naked. In the public bathroom? Why don't you do it outside of my house? In your house, you get completely naked. Don't you shit like three, four times a day? Yeah. It's not that hard to take off clothes.

When they're stuck to your fucking body It just seems weird I'll put something on Hulu On the laptop, put it up on the kitchen table Leave the door open Put on a pair of floaties Take a dump and watch TV

On my laptop in the kitchen You realize that's how you're going to be found dead, right? Watching some stupid rerun of the Twilight Zone Wait, I've been in your apartment. Do you sit on the toilet sideways then? Yeah? I just leave the door completely open and then I put the laptop on the chair right outside the door of the bathroom.

Oh, man. One year in college, I had a TV facing right towards my toilet outside of my own personal bathroom, my bedroom. And every time I went and took a shit for that entire year, I watched Part of the Wall. It was amazing. That's actually pretty good. Jackie, what do you hate? Oh man, well I already talked about vegans.

I fucking hate the fucking shit out of vegans. I hate most women. That's definitely sure. Especially those fucking bitches. Oh yeah, well no, bitches I'm fine with. It's the hoes, you know? It's the hoes that I hate. I know what you're saying.

Barney, you know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about, man. Yeah, man. They're all fucking getting us down, man. Every single fucking day. I hate that. Oh, man. I just love talking about shit that I hate.

I hate that I can't get a vodka Red Bull everywhere I go. Why don't people got Red Bull behind the counter? I don't know. I want to get more gold medicine. If I can eat gold medicine all day, every day, but they won't sell it to me, you can't buy more than two packages of gold medicine in one week. All right, I hate to cut you off, Jackie. I wish you could just continue your list.

List everything that you despise. Happy birthday, Kevin Barnett. We all love you very much. Everyone give him some golf claps. Golf claps. Happy birthday, Kevin. Kevin, you're looking great, baby. You're looking fantastic.

For Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Gizel. Thank you so much, Henry Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Gizel. Thank you so much, Henry Zabrowski, for being here. You're beautiful. We'll talk to you very soon. I'm looking forward to it. I want it. I need it.