The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 59: Turtles Can't Live On Cheese Alone

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s true! In the news this week, we’ve got a principal who was stabbed to death in Tennessee by a student three days after the fall semester began, an elderly woman who somehow managed to die in a recycling bin, and chimps chimps chimps, plus Ben and Marcus talk about the only two animals they tried to take care of, which they both promptly killed without meaning to. Today’s Chuckle Hut member: Cave Comedy Radio’s own Pat Dixon, plus we’ve got Amber Nelson filling in for our girl Jackie Zebrowski.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table!

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. They're harder to hold. Always civility. Alright. Thanks, fuckin fucking Lord. Thank you, Lord, for being... Let me start over.

Ah, fuck ass! Whoa! Come on, lead us through a guided meditation. That's right. You can close your eyes, and I'm going to lead you through a guided meditation. All right. You're in an ass. You're running out of an ass.

Yeah! It's an endless hole. Now you're fucking stardust and just floating through the sands of time. A big monkey but with like a fucking horn for a penis approaches you.

His name's Chippers and he's mad at you. So you better get running. Because he's going to horn your fucking nose open. Which is bad to do. Can you come out of a horn? I want you to think about that for a second. What that would be.

How would you masturbate a horn if that was your penis? Or your pussy, I guess. I don't know. You just murder people. You gore people to come. And now we are breathing. And we're breathing out. And we're fucking smoking weed. And you open your eyes and you are at the round table of gentlemen.

Hello. Hello, stinky butts. Welcome to the round table. That was beautiful. I could really feel myself being in a butt and running out into space. It was really visual, man. That's the thing. If you just relax, just go with it.

My horn dick is fully aroused. I love it. I scared myself with that one. Yeah, that was scary. It was good. Amber Nelson sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. Thank you. Who else is on the show?

Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you. Thank you. Who else is on the show? Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. We've got in the Chuckle Hut, Patrick Dixon. How are you, mister? Hey, great. Thanks for having me.

We are towing the Dixon line. Hello, Marcus is here, too. Fun times. What does he do? What does he do on the cast again? Marcus? He does the... Oh, fuck.

The computer news. Yeah. All right. Marcus Parks, what's the news today? The news today, we're starting off with a story from Pat's home state of Tennessee. A Tennessee student is in custody after his principal was found dead in a pool of blood in a classroom of their church school. Yeah.

Good for this kid. What a living legend. How did he kill him? The body of popular 49-year-old head Suzette York was discovered by a teacher at the Seventh-day Adventist Memphis Junior Academy. A 17-year-old student was still on the scene and was arrested when police arrived, according to the authorities. York was described

by a colleague as a caring educator who had a natural concern for the children being obedient and doing the things that they were supposed to be doing. No was described by a colleague as a caring educator who had a natural concern for the children being obedient and doing the things that they were supposed to be doing. No, she was a terrible terrible teacher who slapped the children. This is a Christian school. I went to a Christian school. I got spankings. I would love to be head every single principal I ever

had growing up. With the hand or did they use anything else? I think I got a ruler to the ass one time. Yeah, you used a ruler. But you liked it, right? You were like, one more please. Yeah, I got a ruler to the ass one time. Yeah, you used a ruler. But you liked it, right? You were like, one more, please. Yeah, I was like, can I be you now? Can I spank you? I got slapped in the back of the head by a nun once. They are vicious.

Yeah, I dropped my pencil box. Sister Dolores, that fucking cunt. It was my handwriting teacher. I purposely learned how to draw every letter a different way than how she taught us. And now I write like a fucking idiot. Sister Dolores, she did have some good ideas.

Well, yeah, I had a gym teacher, Mr. Underdown, and he used to beat us. Underdown? He doesn't molest the little girls, right? Yeah, with his horn penis. That's good. There was a kid named Justice.

He was a retarded kid named Justice, which was perfect. And so they would say, hey, go chase the girls, Justice. And he would go, ah, menace the girls. And he said, you've got to quit doing that. If you do that one more time. So he said, here's what I want you to do. Run around the gym, and I'm going to hit you with this wiffle ball bat in the ass. Every time you feel it, I want you to run a little bit faster. And he chased that retarded kid in circles around the gym until I'm going to hit you with this wiffle ball bat in the ass. Every time you feel it, I want you to run a little bit faster.

And he chased that retarded kid in circles around the gym until he dropped. That's amazing. I would be a pro athlete if I had such a good gym teacher. I really love the way that teacher operates, man. It's called motivation. That's what it is. These teachers are terrible. Kevin, you ever have a

terrible principal that pushes you so hard you drop? Nah, none of that though, but I did have some security guards that fucked a bunch of kids, which was cool. Kevin, you ever have a terrible principal that pushes you so hard you drop? No, none of that, though. But I did have some security guards that fucked a bunch of kids, which was cool. Oh, really? Well, that's a good job. But he was in high school, though, so, you know, these girls had breasts. That's fantastic. He seduced them.

Yeah, yeah. I was a smooth motherfucker, man. He would come into, like, the talent shows, and he was saying he had this, like, beautiful-ass, like, R&B voice. And all the girls would just be like, oh shit, my titties is hard. And they would fuck him. Wow. Oh, so the ladies were fucking these guys. These guys were in stock in the ladies.

They were charming. It wasn't like they were just showing up and surprising you. They were into it. Yeah, they were totally. We had a couple teachers at my school that girls would just throw themselves at all the time. Oh my God, yeah. Always a coach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kelly Hall, I think, banged out like three coaches. I don't know. Kelly Hall is a fucking hot girl name, yeah. Always a coach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kelly Hall, I think, banged out like three coaches. I don't know. I shouldn't say that. Kelly Hall is a fucking hot girl name, man. It is. She was very beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Classically beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, Kelly Hall sounds like a Thor-bred white girl, man. Yeah, right? The type you drop. Oh, definitely. Picturing an IZOD sweater and Sebagos. It's really beautiful.

Yeah, we had Shane Totten. All the girls loved him because he played guitar during biology class and then he got cancer. So how are you now, Shane? He actually recovered and he's married to a really attractive woman who lives in Florida. That's true. I got kicked out of class for laughing

at his dumbass cancer song. He made him cry. He made the teacher cry. The teacher sang a song about his cancer. Heartfelt. And a fucking big fat bit at the back of the glass fucking made fun of him

until he cried. You know what? Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Bring in your cancer in my life, man. I am morbidly obese. I live in Wisconsin.

Nobody likes me. I have a disease that will never be cured. Fuck you. Cancer. Where's the Ben Kissel chemo to not be Ben Kissel? Can I be you, Amber? I can't be.

My life sucks. That's fine, though. Yeah, absolutely. Don't worry. What are you doing back there? We got a guest in the round table. You break into the safe with us in here? That's great.

I was talking about this earlier. Whenever something bad happens, you can always blame Ben and people will believe you. It's sad. I do it all the time. Six out of ten times I was in the principal's office, they were wrong. I was like, I did not piss in the cake. I love Mrs. Gills, dog.

I would never do that. Home Ec is the only class I get B's in. It's like, come on, give me a break over here. But then the four out of ten, those were pretty big deals. I love that this kid just did exactly whatever a 17-year-old kid wants to do and behead their fucking terrible principal. How did he kill her? It doesn't say, but Eddie, give me a physical description of this teacher.

Good Irish broad. She looks like she could be a little mean. She's red hair, skinny, big smile, lots of teeth. Red hair, huh? But no, she's not your type, Holden. She's too old. She's got puffy bangs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't like that. Looking at her made me sad. Because I don't want to fuck her. She's a Seventh-day Adventist. You know what Seventh-day Adventists are, right? They're sort of like the Christian version of Jews. They don't eat pork. They don't eat meat.

They think the world's 6,000 years old. I dated one once. She came up, and I took her to the Natural History Museum. And she looked at all the big timeline going down, and she's like, nah, that's not true. That's amazing. It says it in the Bible. That's not right. And so you brought her up from Tennessee?

Yeah, to hang out. I mean, not for permanent, you know, but just to fuck and everything. But she was great. She was really great. For a really hardcore Christian girl, she would do anything. Oh, hell yeah. That's what they always do. My parents taught me that dinosaur bones were tricks of the devil.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Those were tricks of the devil. That is true. Yeah, my parents, 6,000 year old earth, that's what my parents thought too. Really? Yeah, yeah. Really nutty stuff.

That's insane. I mean, they don't believe in science, which made science very, very frustrating for me when I was a kid. Yeah. Because I always gave the wrong answer and then everyone would laugh at me. And apparently God does not make the sun. And I didn't know that. Science makes the sun.

And then people would be like, you're an idiot. I was scared to death of dinosaurs until I was like eight years old. Yeah. It was just like, I really am like, they're going to come back and then we don't have a chance. I'm scared to death of dinosaurs until I was like eight years old. Yeah. It was just like, I really am like, they're gonna come back and then we don't have a chance. I'm still freaked out. Yeah, about the deep sea creatures, man. Like prehistoric beasts.

Yeah, man. I've been obsessed with Cthulhu lately. There's one that's the size of three school buses. The bloop. An alligator. The bloop. Fuck that, man. No, not the bloop. No, she's talking about the big ass alligator. Whoa, where's this alligator? Is there video? No, it was just a prehistoric animal. Oh, yeah.

But every time you go on a lake, right, aren't you kind of a little scared? Yes. I get very scared. I get scared in swimming pools. Yeah. Maybe it'll just get in there somehow. I think a turd's got my ankle.

A big poo-poo's got my ankle. Exactly. It's always my poopy. I used to have a big lake at a house, and I'd go swimming, and you'd see water moccasins pop up and snapping turtles pop up. Oh, snapping turtles were terrifying.

The fuck can take your finger off, man? They're no joke. They were awful. I hate snapping turtles. I hate those crayfish too. We used to use snapping turtles as target practice. We had this one pond where there was a bunch of snapping turtles and they just popped their head up every once in a while and whenever

they pop their head up, just boom! That's when you take the opportunity to shoot them. Yeah. Good. You're a disgusting person. I know. Every time we talk about animals, we just have a different relationship with them than you do. I'm terrified of them.

I am their victim. You're like, oh yeah, we use them for target practice. Animals are for killing. You're supposed to kill them. That's what they do. If you'll notice... No, no, they just die. If you'll notice, all of the animals that I kill, all amphibians. Yes, amphibians.

We know you hate amphibians. A turtle's a reptile. A turtle is a reptile. Amphibians and reptiles. Hey, all right. There was a man on the subway with... We killed some birds and some fish, too. I'll throw that in on mine.

Birds and fish, yeah. Birds with a BB gun? No, you take them out of the water and beat them against a rock. Like a beautiful goose? That's so much worse. How could you possibly judge this dude? I don't judge. I've never framed a bird against a rock.

Just a fish. Like a prim. Like Gollum does? I think that's common, though. I thought you were just doing it just to say, fuck that fish. I mean, that happened once or twice. If you put us all in a lineup

and said, which one of these guys killed a fish with a rock? You. I'd probably get blamed for it, though. It'd be terrible. I'd be doing the time It ain't right I hate those crawfish Every time you try to get out of a river or lake

They're just on the edge of the rock bed And that's where they bite you Crawfish? Or turtles? They're terrible creatures from hell One time some birds came in Some ducks And they ripped off all their legs And they were paddling around on veins Until they all died a horrible death Some birds came in, some ducks, and they ripped off all their legs. Really?

They were paddling around on veins until they all died a horrible death. I saw a snapping turtle rip a leg off a duck one time, and I just started crying. That's so funny. Did you just spite him? Kids were tearing crawdads' claws off, and I started crying. That's what bullies were doing, throwing them back into the lake. Oh my goodness. It's a brutal sport, that wildlife. What they used to tell us about snapping turtles,

how they get us to stay away from them, is that they said if a snapping turtle bit you, he wouldn't let go until thunder came about. Until lightning strikes. It don't rain in Texas. It's a dumb, dumb thing. I've had this snapping turtle on me now for damn near 30 years.

Still waiting for that rainstorm. Have you thought about just going up north for a second? Or just cutting its head off. Either one. You kind of missed your turtle. I don't got nobody to share the rain with.

I once caught a snapping turtle and tried to feed it a diet of cheese. Whenever I was a kid. That's very nice. I wish I was reincarnated as a snapping turtle and you found me. And you just fed me cheese. It died. I guess cheese

isn't living in water. Cows don't live under water. No, turtles can't live on cheese. That's a parable, isn't it? Turtles can't live on cheese alone. I think that's the title of Mark's autobiography. Turtles can't live on cheese alone. By newsman Marcus Parks.

It's a daily calendar if I ever heard one. That is beautiful That will change lives That will be the new eat pray love of 2025 Turtles can't live on cheese alone I love that What was the poo poo like out of that turtle? The poo poo?

I don't think It did poo poo It was cheese A lot of constipation just all bound up inside there How long did the turtle survive? How long did you have it? Two, three days. It didn't last long, especially whenever you keep it out of water.

I kept it in a box. I love that the one time you tried to take care of an animal, you still killed it. I had a rabbit named Rusty, and I didn't realize that the cold of Wisconsin makes a rabbit freeze to death when it's left outside. Absolutely. Oh, it was amazing. I hadn't fed it in a couple of months, and I went out there to find it, and it was just frozen, like, very sad. You know, like, his paws were on the gate, being like, I hope I can get out of here before I die, you know? And then, of course, it didn't.

And so I took it out, and I put it in in a warm bath and I just started crying over Rusty. Oh, Rusty, Rusty. Oh, come back. But meanwhile, I just took terrible care of this stupid rabbit. Then I buried it. And you could have been a serial killer, man. Yeah, well, I tried to take care of it. You buried it in the snow, the frozen ground?

It took me a long time to break that ground. That's pretty good of you, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it went about a foot down. I didn't give it the six-foot burial ground. You really me a long time to break that ground. That's pretty good of you. Yeah. I mean, it went about a foot down. I didn't give it the six-foot burial ground. Are you really froze a rabbit to death? I mean, it's just outside in Wisconsin winters. I would have thought you would have petted it to death.

Alright, well, Pat Dixon, everybody. You can see him perform right now. No, the Lenny jokes never get old. And everybody loves rabbits. So what's wrong? Everybody loves to make a girl feel happy and pet them and give massages. You're so scary to me right now.

I always wanted to get one of those tortoises. I lived for like 120 years. But I want to buy it when I'm 60 and just put it in my will and it has to stay in my family and just torture my family with it for the rest of its life. That's all my will is going to be is weird long-term family torture.

It's going to be like you upkeep of a house out in some crazy desert. Shit like that. You have to just go once a month. You have to do something shitty. When I die, I'm going to live through this turtle. You best take care of me after I'm gone. You don't feed the turtle cheese.

You're not feeding me cheese. And I love cheese. If it dies, you never loved me. How do you feel about that? Look at his eyes. Kiss the turtle now. Now you kiss the turtle. I would love to have a turtle, man. God forbid if they ever let me be a ghost. Man, I'm gonna fucking just be a

pain in the ass. God, you'd be the worst ghost. I'm gonna lift my a turtle, man. God forbid if they ever let me be a ghost. Man, I'm going to fucking just be a pain in the ass. Oh, God. God, you'd be the worst ghost. I'm going to lift my keys by my bed. Where are they now? And they're like up their butt or something. I don't know why Jeremy loses his keys up his butt all the time. Must be a haunting.

Did you say if they let you be a ghost? Yeah, yeah. Like if you have to apply or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a whole other class system when you die. Yeah, there's all the paperwork and everything. The spirit realm. I've got a bizarre religion that I don't tell anyone about.

Most ghosts, I feel like, are rich for some reason. I just feel like only rich people become ghosts. Poor people just die. That's the thing. We would be amazingly wealthy ghosts because the currency is scarce and we would petrify a lot of people. If Monsters, Inc. has taught us nothing.

It hasn't. Monsters't monsters nothing not teach me anything monsters inc i'll learn no lessons from that movie what are you talking about you gotta get the scares to make the money to make the kids like grow up to be normal adults no apparently you related to monsters inc in a way that none of us can understand john guman was was a voice. John Guman's amazing. You didn't like Monsters, Inc.? John Guman was in the fucking movie. What is that? Eddie, did you see Monsters, Inc.? I liked the movie. It's a fun movie. You didn't cry at the end of the movie? The doors. They have to get through the doors. I mean, we all don't relate

to Monsters as much as you. I never saw the movie. Did the kids die? No. I will say this, though. They should make an animated version of Monsters, Inc. sometime. They gotta make it animated

because it was so good like in the real life. You know. Either way. A lot of life lessons. Rewatch it, everybody. Rewatch Monsters, Inc. You'll love it.

You'll love it. You'll cry. You'll get scared, too. I mean, it's fun. Yeah. What was that, Pat? I just think Monsters, Inc. is probably a trick of the devil, right?

Yeah, absolutely. Yes, a trick of the devil. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. If you die, you can be a monster, you can be a ghost, you can be a demon. A goblin?

I think you can be a goblin. What is a goblin? Like he lives in the trees? I'll cover goblins later. Yeah, yeah, we're covering goblins. It's a good ghost-themed show. Well, we'll get to the ghost later. What are we doing now?

No! Kevin, what do you know about goblins? Goblins, man, they hang out in the fire and shit. Throw it at people, you know? Throw it at people? Yeah, yeah, man. They hang out with ghosts, I'd assume. Yeah, yeah. How many goblins live in Haiti? Haiti is all goblins. They hang out with ghosts, I'd assume.

How many goblins live in Haiti? Haiti is all goblins. They're all registered goblins. Republican, Democrat, Independent, Goblin. I'm Morton Bachman. And this is, by the way, the time when the room gets so fucking hot, I get completely delirious. I'm sweating bullets. I know, man.

So what's going to happen with this 17-year-old kid who killed his principal? Did it have any quotes or anything like that? No, the only quotes were from other teachers, things like this. A church spokesman said, you don't expect these kinds of things to happen, especially in a Christian school. And this thing happened. That's exactly where they happened. It just happened. exactly where they happen. It just happened. This kid made it three days into the school year before he killed his principal.

Three days? That's it? He's in authority. Immediately. It usually wears on you for a second first. She must have been a fucking bitch. That's the thing. It just takes so long to hack a full head off, man. That's hard work.

Well, no one's saying that that actually happened. We just kind of made that up. I'm not really sure. I imagine she was bludgeoned with a bust of Benjamin Franklin or something. Right, right, right. Oh, that would be great. Just kill her with chalk somehow. Yeah, chalk in her eyes.

I would love, I wanted to kill my principal so much. How would you kill your principal, Ben? Oh, good God, it was a woman. Number one. Which, the sweet irony is my mother did not think should lead. Oh, jeez. But it was really Vice Principal Clark that I hated the most, because he dealt with me the most.

But no, she was a terrible, terrible woman. I would probably do exactly what Marcus does with toads. I would just shove her vagina full of firecrackers, light them all up, and just, you know, probably not even just go somewhere else. And just have her dead. I've got some more details on this. He stabbed her to death.

Oh, wow. Yeah, and this church school tuition, $10,000 a year. Whoa! Wow. For $10,000 a year, you should be allowed to kill the principal. You know? What are these parents paying for? $10,000 a year, you should be allowed to kill the principal. What are these parents paying for? $10,000 a year?

To learn not-truths. I went to private school, man. I think that was about... It was stupid expensive. I never knew the amount. My brother and I. I went from 5th grade to senior year. My brother went through, I think, high school. Yeah, I went to Catholic school. It was very expensive.

That doesn't surprise you about this guy, does it? No. I mean, look at him, and his name's Holden. You know what I mean? I played lacrosse. Mommy let me. I left mommy. I've seen Holden's neighborhood.

Granted, it was like 4 in the morning, and I was fucking delirious. Or tripped and trip to New York. Yeah, man. But his place is like, all of Charlotte looked like shit, and then I got into Holden's neighborhood, and it was gorgeous. Really? It was gorgeous, yeah. Oh, that's not even the nicest.

The neighborhoods in there were retarded in Charlotte, man. They're fancy as shit. Big houses, fucking huge titties. So you basically have done the reverse of rags to riches. Exactly. I decided to like, yeah, no, completely. I so completely was on the path to be a lawyer or something nice. When were you on that path?

Um, fucking back in middle school, dude. And then I broke away. And then I discovered Tony Hawk Pro Skater and weed at the same time that was it that was it

a match made in heaven if I ever have a kid man I'm just moving to the ghetto I don't care how rich I am I'm not raising my child in a rich suburb no don't beat him

I can't beat him everyone else is gonna be beating him I'm gonna hug him and I'm gonna love him and that's where they're gonna look to me for advice

do you think you'll breastfeed I mean I will yeah you will I'm going to hug him and I'm going to love him. And that's where they're going to look to me for advice. Do you think you'll breastfeed? I mean, I will, yeah. You will. I'm going to. Yeah, I mean, no milk is going to come out, but I'm going to love it. You know, it's really more feeding my soul. Time to feed daddy. You know, and then of course I'll fucking love my mom, man.

Fuck. Marcus, there's a turn. There's more news stories yet Let's just Holden just really He's got his Big old thunder dick Anytime he starts talking about mommy

It's time to move on Kissing her and things People have been commenting on this By the way Holden I've gotten more than one comment recently About your love for your mother And they're like Is it real?

And I'm like yeah man I love that he loves his mother They're like it's so great that he loves his mother. He is normal. But then you take that and you just switch it right over. Thank you, listeners. Just reverse that. Everything Holden says about his mother is totally normal

and perfect and natural. I'll tell you what, Ben, I give you the mommy award. Thank you, Holden. That's the best award you can win. Oh my god. I wouldn't sleep on your stomach tonight. Ben, I give you the Mommy Award. Thank you. That's the best award you can win. Oh, my God. Wow. I'm going to sleep on your stomach tonight. I am.

I'm coming, actually. Wow, that was great. Thank you. I actually just came in my pants. Perfect. New news. Oh, Marcus Parks. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

We're going to do some editing. Marcus Parks with the news. An elderly Ohio woman apparently tripped and toppled headfirst into her recycling bin where she suffocated. Oh, no. I mean, maybe she was just being super green and she was just like, I'm 61 years old. 62. 62. Better jump in myself.

Was it plastic or paper? Plastic. Because anything on her skin, it's paper. Sheila jump in myself. Was it plastic or paper? Plastic. It's anything like her skin, it's paper. Sheila DeCoster, 62, was discovered by her husband in the 65-gallon bin. Quote, I shook her leg and called her name, and I knew she was gone.

I feel like that's the same thing he did to get married to her in the 40s. You shake her leg and call her name. Now you're married. I just can't believe she fell in there. She must have been so tiny. She was wearing pajamas and her slippers were still standing on a porch next to the bin. She had some bruises, a quote from the corner. She had some bruises like she was trying to get out, like she was trying to rock and tip it.

I don't understand. So this is a 65-gallon bin? Yeah. That's it? That's not that big. No, it's like this big, you know, about four feet, five feet tall. How did she drown in there? She didn't drown.

She was situated in such a way that it prevented her lungs from filling with air. It's like when a shark stops swimming. It's called positional asphyxia. It's exactly like when a shark stops swimming. It's true. They stop swimming, they can't breathe. Yeah, yeah. So think about that.

If you want to kill a shark, stop it. Yeah. Stop it from moving. Or an old old lady tie a rope around it yeah super easy yeah so easy or you can leave it outside in the winter either way yeah either way it depends see this is one of those stories where whenever like we're going me and ben always go go over the news stories before the show, and whenever I read it, I started giggling. And whenever I read it to Ben, he

started giggling. And then we read it to you guys, and everyone's like, aww. I giggled. No, it's funny. I mean, you know, I think the visual of the woman struggling with her little feet kicking is really humorous. Yeah, it's pretty funny. But, I mean, you just drop things into the recycling bin.

I just don't understand how it happened. Yeah. Why is that how you can't get out? Someone must have tossed her in there. Someone must have grabbed her by the ankles and threw her in there. It's probably the same person. Weird that they went up to her and just shook her leg. Yeah, her husband just like...

Did he pull her out? You think he would immediately pull her out. He fucking did this. He's a very eco-friendly killer. He definitely did it. I guess so. Why? Is he shaking her leg?

You know, she's driving him crazy. They should be looking into this guy. Yeah. I mean, why though? I think they were a loving couple. And at 61, you don't kill your wife at 61. You only got 10, 13, 15 more years left. Plus that shit he said was like mad poetic, man.

Yeah. That was some real shit. I shook her leg and called her name. And I knew she was gone. That's beautiful. Yeah, that is weird. I shook her leg and called her name and I knew she was gone. That's beautiful. The truth is that recycling is bad. I mean, that's what it's all about. How could I have a recycling finally killed

somebody, man? That's great. Absolutely. For all the fines I've got for not doing it, fuck them. I used to put a recycling bin on top of my dog and my dog was just small enough to fit into the recycling bin and he would just run around and enough to fit into the recycling bin. He would just run around and it looked like a big, moving recycling bin.

I loved it. In 6th grade, my friend Jared and I... Remember that growing up? I don't know if you guys had those big... There were gray bins. That was the recycling thing. I remember those, yes. I would throw Jared in. We would roll him down the hallway. People would get very, very upset. It was just fantastic

fun. He would get all dizzy. We would go to was just fantastic fun. We would get all dizzy and then we would go to the principal's office and then I would kill my principal and shove her in a fucking bucket. When you did that at school, you put somebody in a can and rolled them down the hallway? Yeah, Jared. He was so small.

He was like that. We smoked weed with a 15-year-old this week. He's about the size of the 15-year-old we smoked weed with. Oh, yeah, real tiny. That was amazing. What a mature young gentleman. What a good little... Rolling the joints all night.

You guys just putting all this out in public, huh? I'm not saying that. I didn't participate in this, man. I was just saying they were judging. I didn't participate in the fun things. I was judging, man. That was what I was doing. No, he was a mature...

You know, if everyone talks about the next generation being stupid, I'll say, no, I know one 15-year-old kid who rolls some amazing joints. Where did you meet a 15-year-old kid? Would you pick him up on the side of the road? Yeah, Eddie just was friends with him. Apparently, like, Eddie found him on Craigslist or something like that. A friend of ours from college was visiting in town, and she had her cousin with him.

And it was this little, you know, little stoner Puerto Rican kid. You know, he's from Puerto Rico, too. He was visiting. It was great. He had a blast. That's the thing. Puerto Rican kids are better than American kids. They know the way of the streets. We were talking about how

alright, so if a 30-year-old dude fucked a 15-year-old girl, we'd be like, oh, that's disgusting. You're a piece of shit. You go to jail. But if he fucked a 30-year-old woman, we'd all high-five him and tell him, great job. We're all proud of you. Why is that a thing? I don't understand that. But if he would have fucked a 30-year-old dude, that would have been disgusting.

They would put him in prison. The reason why is because it's much harder for a 30-year-old dude, that would have been disgusting. Yeah, they would put him in prison. The reason why is because it's much harder for a 15-year-old dude to fuck a 30-year-old woman. Yeah, that's probably why it is. It's pretty easy for a 30-year-old dude to get a 15-year-old girl in bed. Pat, what do you think? Well, it just doesn't contribute to teen pregnancy either.

You know what I mean? That's a big part of it. That's what it's all about. How young have you gone before? What's the youngest? I mean, when I was 17, I had sex with a 15-year-old. Oh, you got to have sex with her. Yeah, that's about as best I've done.

I would love a young chick. Was it a virgin? Whoa! Whoa! At least 18, I'd stay within the rules. Well, no, if it wasn't the law, what would be the lowest you would go and still feel comfortable? Oh, I always love this conversation. They're willing, you're willing, no law. How low could you go and still think it that, you know, they're willing, you're willing,

no law, how low could you go and still think it's hot? It depends on the chick, you know? I'm saying 11. No, 13. 13, 11, that's the thing. I'll go with 16. 16? A little young, a little young. I mean, it depends, man, because some of those

Puerto Rican girls are like fully formed at like 8. Yeah. Sometimes I mean it depends man cuz some of those like Puerto Rican girls are like 40 for me like eight. Yeah Damn and I just try not look I just go inside my house I just everybody comes over there thinks it's the girls like 21, but I know the girl like she can't drive I know she's got to be like fifth probably 15. I'm just like Jesus fuck away from you Yeah, I see those in our neighborhood all the time. I could never date anybody under

22 because I just need them so fat. They can never be fat enough until they're 20. Have you seen a young generation of kids that are all fat? Yeah, but they're different fat. They're not confident. They haven't really lived into it. It's that new fat. It's that new fat that half of them

are going to lose because they're sellouts and then the other half are going to grow into it and become mean and really the fat that I like. It's the mean fat chick. You're a lady, so when do girls start getting hit on? As soon as the breasts and the buttocks come in

and the old grassy there. Well, I had pretty much the old grass on the green play on it. Yeah, whatever that gross quote was. I was never hit on, really. You were never hit on? When I was a kid, when I was younger. No, but when you were a woman. After 12 years old and on,

I would assume you start getting hit on, right? I would say I probably got hit on maybe three, four years ago. For the first time? How old are you? I'm like 28. That's not true. That's not true.

No, I'm serious, man. Did you lose like 200 pounds or something? No, I was just... Did you used to be really attractive? It was fun. I mean, I just thought about it. God. Another time.

You just, you know, grew up in like strict church places and maybe hit on by like 60-year-old men coming up and being real weird. But like, I don't know, as a kid I wasn't really hit on. I always feel like women

just immediately get it really awkward. Yeah, just as soon as possible. Lord knows I hit on all of them. Especially in Louisiana. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I go back and it's like, I mean, I'm getting raped in any minute. You know, for my delicate female self.

I can't. I must be escorted everywhere. Do the alligators hit on the ladies in Louisiana? Oh, yeah. Snags right up to you. Sounds like a school bus. You got to kill an alligator. Stop it.

Stop the alligator and kill it. Are they investigating this dude for killing his wife? No. No, no've got to kill an alligator. Stop it. Stop the alligator and kill it. Are they investigating this dude for killing his wife? No. No, no, no. Just an accident. Everyone's very sad about it. Eddie, give me a description of this woman.

She looks like Roy Orbison. Oh, I love Roy. And she's wearing a denim Dale Earnhardt t-shirt. God needed another driver. It's a denim button-up shirt. It says GM Goodrich on one side and on the other side it says Dale Earnhardt t-shirt. God needed another driver. It's a denim button-up shirt. It says GM Goodrich on one side and on the other side it says Dale Earnhardt has a big number three. God needed another fan of a driver. I always thought it would be a good idea to have an Earn off of Dale Earnhardt.

Just put a number three on it and just call it Dale Earnhardt. I love it. I like it. It's punny. It's hip. It's now. It's like, you know, it'll make you... Every time you look at your grandfather's ashes, you're going to laugh. That's kind of good. The best joke I ever heard about that was right after he died.

There was this comic and he comes on stage and he's like, so how many of you guys are NASCAR fans? A bunch of people clap and he's like, yeah, well who's your favorite driver now? That's good. I love it. It was very sad that Earnhardt died though. But then again, he was a multi-millionaire he's got a son

he's fine he's fine he procreated I used to move to a couple towns where people were really into NASCAR racing they love it North Carolina man

North Carolina I lived in North Carolina I also got lice in North Carolina that shit was real nasty how'd you get lice? what'd you do? just hanging out with some chick

in the trailer park and like meeting her weird mom and you know did you I've never been I have literally never gone in the trailer park and meeting her weird mom. I have literally never gone into a trailer park before. Have you been to one? You've never been to a trailer park? No. I'm sorry. My friends aren't terrible people. Alright. No judgments here, okay?

Trailer parks are fine. Where did you skip school? I just skipped school, man. I would just go do anything and just walk around, usually alone. Ben's bed was a I just skipped school, man. I would just go do anything. I'd just walk around, usually alone. Ben's bed was a pile of skulls, man. I had a different world. I just did shit on my own. Never really.

Never really at a trailer park. I started drinking on my own. I was my own worst enemy. Hello. Hello. First time I got drunk was alone. That was really scary. Super fun, right?

Super fun. Well, I called up this guy. Well, maybe I did get hit on earlier, because I called up this guy. I'm drunk was alone. That was really scary. Super fun, right? Well, I called up this guy. Well, maybe I did get hit on earlier because I called up this guy and I was like, I'm really drunk. And he's like, what are you wearing?

And he was trying to have fun sex with me and I was like, I don't know what to do. So I was like, raped over the phone. Lice. Lice. First time I ever got drunk,

18 shots of tequila. Swear to God, I was 12 years old with my brother Chris. I called up my friend Pete, who's now that evangelical Christian. He chipped his tooth on the toilet. I found him the next morning when we had to go to school on the toilet, but passed out next to the porcelain. It was amazing. And I called up this guy named Ricky Berta

and I said, oh, Ricky, you don't like me. You don't like me. And I just cried. First Ricky, you don't like me. You don't like me. And I just cried. First time I got drunk, I drank a quarter bottle of Jack Daniels and saw a UFO. It was fucking awesome. Also 12. Yeah!

We had different experiences. Drank a bunch of Ice House, man, and vodka. Ice House was tough. So bad. I drank the fuck out of some Ice House. It was so bad. Why was that the first beer? It was so terrible.

It was the first beer because it was marketed to kids. And Mad Dog. Yeah. Mad Dog. It was literally marketed to kids. No, no. Not Mad Dog. Red Dog.

Red Dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had those real fun bottle caps. They were the first one to do that. And Mickey's. Do you remember Mickey's? Oh, yeah. Mickey's was great with the B on it.

Yeah, man. Love that little B. Love that little B. Very entertaining. The funny quotes on the inside. It was great. You learn some shit. Yeah, man. Love that little bee. Love that little bee. Very entertaining. And they would have the funny quotes on the inside. It was great. You learned some shit while you were drinking. What did you start drinking on?

Man, I didn't drink anything until I was like 19. And I didn't even get really drunk for like probably a couple years, man. I was just chilling. Stable childhood, huh? Yeah, man. I didn't do nothing. You didn't need it, man. You're pretty cool.

I imagine you're a pretty cool kid. No, I was just fucking... Everyone was like, oh, Kevin got a hose. I have no hose. I was just sitting there sad. But Kevin went to an art school. You were very talented. You had things to occupy your mind.

I had nothing. My parents got HBO. I was watching Real Sex. And that's when I decided I needed to start drinking. Real Sex is just gross. It's amazing. Pony play? Horse play?

It's super funny stuff. Although you can't jack off to it because 20 minutes into the thing, they cut to the interviews and those are disgusting. And then there's just so much weird men. I know. I thought I was going to get to beat off to that. I was home alone one night at home and had access to the cable. And the whole thing is like parents' orgies. It's like what your parents do when they go away.

It's like what they're doing while they're not in the house While you're trying to masturbate Dick slapping competition That was actually pretty exciting though I can't believe Tommy Thub Popper Oh yeah, Puppetry of the Penis That was on Real Sex I saw that

The auditions, that was kind of hilarious That was the auditions for it It was so funny, they had to do the elephant and shit It was so weird I love the to do the elephant and shit. It was so weird. I love the puppetry of the penis. Yeah, yeah. It's really... The only thing I can do with my penis

is make it look like a bald monk. You know? It just kind of points out there and it has nothing to say. It's always praying. Yeah, yeah. It's humble. Have y'all ever done the girl tuck

where you tuck your penis behind you and pretend like what it's like? Totally. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Totally. No, it's so much fun. Football locker rooms during the shower time, public

shower time, every guy was giving themselves that little pussy. Steve was jacking off. Anyway. Who's Steve? He was the quarterback. Henry, you ever put your thumb in your mouth and blow real hard and hope a dick comes out? Yeah.

I do that every morning. It just hasn't been working out for me. I don't know what to do about it. What's going on, Marcus? Well, the woman who had her face ripped off by a fucking chimpanzee. And her hands and her feet and her eyes. I saw that Oprah interview, man. Kill yourself.

Kill yourself. Kill yourself. End yourself. Listen to Ozzy Osbourne. Get the gun. Get the gun. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Okay. She's got a new face.

It is not a new face, though. She's got a new face. It's not that bad. It is hideous. I mean, it's hideous, but usually these face transplant people are really, really disgusting. Honestly, I have seen uglier women. No, maybe if Eddie shuts his eyes and sews them shut because they don't have her eyes open. She's a fucking monster.

She doesn't have eyes. She doesn't have eyes. She is so much better than she was. Oh, yeah. She does look like she has. She should go out in public now. She looks like a Mormon wife number eight. She's a hideous monster.

She wasn't that bad looking beforehand. Exactly. Oh yeah, before the monkey ripped her lips off. God, I just love it. The monkey just shows the funniest things to eat on her. The feet, the arms, the hands. It's a defense thing. It eats her hands so you can't attack it.

So it immediately goes and tries to bite off your hands and stuff like that. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is real! It's amazing! What I always love in update stories like this, I like whenever they recap what happened in the original story in one sentence. In 2009, Nash, 57, was helping a friend's pet chimp,

Travis, inside when the 200-pound animal ripped off her nose, lips, eyelids, and hands before being shot and killed by police. That's one of my favorite sentences that I've ever read. It's a fun sentence. I mean, it's a great sentence. I didn't realize just the eyelids to the eyeballs were just fucking exposed. Yeah.

Yeah. Eye balls just like... Like, you know, whenever... Like, if your eyeball ever gets popped out and it's still connected to the vein, it's like one eyeball is looking this way and if it's dangling, the other eyeball

is looking straight down. It can see straight down? If it's still connected to the optic nerve, then it's still like... The eyeball still works. That's going to flip you out. It would be amazing if you were a spy. It would be good to look over that corner.

That eyeball around the corner. Yeah, exactly. Was she married? I don't remember. No, she's married. Her husband took the bandages off her face. He's got a divorce or a drama and some sort of copy. Because I guess he truthfully answered the question,

would you ever fuck a bitch with no face? And he's done it. It's like, till death do you part. It's like, sure, but you didn't mention anything about a monkey ripping her face off. I'm gonna have to null and void. She still has no hands, too. She can't get hand transplants.

And you can't get a blowjob from that thing. There's no sexual... You gave me my vows, man. I will even love you if a fucking monkey rips your fucking face off. Absolutely. Yeah, you'd be a real asshole if you didn't. If that happened to you.

I would not feel... I would not have one inkling of anger towards that fella if he just broke up with her right now. Just turn gay. That could work. Just start fucking dudes and then they. I don't know if you can do that. Just start fucking dudes and then they won't question.

But would you rather fuck dudes than fuck the chimp face woman? I would rather fuck a dude with a face than a woman with no face. Just take care of her. Get whores. That's the noble thing to do. Take care of her and get whores?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, lie to her. I don't think that monkey ripped her pussy off. She's still alive. I'll tell you what, if those cops didn't get there, it was next. All of a sudden,

she's just screaming in an orgasm on the ground. Don't shoot it! Don't shoot it yet! In 2009, Chippers the monkey ripped a woman's pussy off. She loved it. The chimpanzee's name was Travis.

Chippers was the monkey with the horn for a dick that I had in my... Amber, if you could get finger banged by one animal, what's it going to be? A monkey? A tortoise. Tortoises don't have fingers, they got claws. A snapping tortoise? They got claws. A horse. Whatever one you want.

Can we get hooved? A hooved? He got claws. A horse. A horse. Whatever one you want. Can you get a hooved? A hooved? He just like stomps on me. I'd probably say a monkey. Yeah, makes more sense. What kind of monkey? Human-like. Maybe like a silverback gorilla.

That's not a monkey. That's a gorilla. That's a big monkey. That's a gorilla. You're talking there's gorillas, there's chimpanzees, and there's monkeys. You gotta choose a monkey That's a gorilla That's a big gorilla That's a gorilla You're talking There's gorillas There's chimpanzees And there's monkeys

You gotta choose a monkey Yeah don't be racist That's like a 500 pound monkey You know That you got finger banged That's not a monkey It's not a monkey man Eddie it's not a monkey

It's a fucking gorilla They're different Yeah It's like if you If you said like Human was a monkey Human's not a monkey It's fucking homo sapien

Man imagine if gorillas And like polar bears Mated What would happen after that? Like a polar bear gorilla? Oh, that would be great. Oh my god, if I ever get super rich, I'm going to make that shit happen.

I'm going to name it Eddie. Oh yeah! And then let it finger bang Amber. You're on Dr. Moreau's island where you just make weird animals to finger bang people. Your infinite husband is Dr. Moreau and he just gets all these weird animals. Can't believe they made a porno

out of this movie, of all the movies. To make a porno out of. There's so many to do. Just picture Amber walking through the forest with a banana in her pussy. Oh, hello. Who wants to get the banana? I'm going to make a monkey talk.

I'm going to make a monkey talk. So what would the Island of Dr. Moreau porn parody be called? Island of Dr. Pornrow. Hello, how are you? Island of Dr. Sucking Fucking Asshole. You'll get it in 15. Dr. Moreau. Dr. Moreau's Asshole. You'll get it in 15. Dr. Maru. Dr. Maru's Fuck Island.

There we go. Dr. Maru's. Island of Dr. Maru. We're all going to wake up tonight with the perfect one in our head. It's going to be sad. Now is not the time. The Island of Dr. McCock. Well, speaking of waking up terrified in the middle of the night,

we got a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Today's segment, if you were a fish, what would you do? Oh, that's not a pun. I'd suck my own dick. You were killing it on the segments, man. These segments are always so good. Holden is the best.

What happens when you do it for over a year? If you were a fish, what would you do? I'd be into flakes in a big way, man. Hell yeah. Today's segment's about hauntings, personal haunting experiences, especially after Amber told me you were in a bordello, an old abandoned bordello.

Yeah, in a brothel in Louisiana. Working there for 20 years. They kicked out the whores and they put down carpet and I just lived there by myself For a summer I mean I didn't fuck anybody It was just like an apartment that was a brothel And it had like the long hallway

With the small rooms off on the sides And weird shit happened? And yeah weird shit Like one time I Cause I always leave a light on Just cause it's kinda creepy And I work late And I came home and all the lights were out

And I heard this noise from the kitchen. It sounded like somebody was robbing me. I don't know why I went up there. The light wouldn't turn on. It was the fan. The noise was the fan on the stove which has never been able to turn on before since. Drawers would always move open and shut.

Doors would lock themselves on the inside. Sometimes you'd just see something out of the corner of your eye. That's fun. I love it. Ben claims to have had a haunting in our apartment, though I don't quite know. We talked about this. He was having fucking seizures. No, not seizures.

I wasn't having a seizure. Strokes. What? What happened? He was having a stroke. He was having a stroke. Mini stroke. He saw lights.

He saw lights. I saw lights. We agreed that you were having strokes. I didn't agree to that. I saw a ghost. There was a flash of light to my left. Next thing I know, the living room light goes off. That's what's so scary.

I've read in the thing, do you think maybe it was carbon monoxide poisoning? Oh, with me? It's possible, yeah. The explanation is now what happens is carbon monoxide if there's carbon monoxide poisoning? Oh, with me? It's always possible, yeah, because that's what the explanation is now, is that what happens is carbon monoxide gets, if there's carbon monoxide poisoning, that makes all that, you hear sounds, you see shadows,

you see stuff out of the corner of your eye, like all this kind of stuff that's conducive of like, you might have just been, which is even scarier, in a way, you might have just been slowly being poisoned in your own house. Because it was only there for a few months. I'm sure if I lived there longer...

You'd be dead as fuck. Or a plant or something. You would be haunting that place now. Uh-oh. I don't know. You never know. I don't know. Maybe the ghosts turn on the stove to release the carbon dioxide.

That's the thing. Could be. Eddie, is any ghost crazy enough to haunt you? My family has all kinds of ghost stories. We're all into ghosts and shit. We love it. Growing up, I used to come up to Jersey every summer. And the middle room in my aunt's house was fucking haunted.

I don't give a shit what anyone says. That thing was fucking... Just like bad news in there. It was bad news. I couldn't sleep in there. I always felt like someone was standing over you. It was like when John had the guest in his living room that saw a burned victim walk from his room to his roommate's room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that fucking house burnt down later on. And then from his room to his roommate's room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that

fucking house burnt down later on. And then the house burnt down like a year later? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love it. It's the worst. But anyway, so we were trying to figure out what happened. My mom got pushed down the stairs, apparently. She fell, broke her nose, and whatever. She was pregnant with you at this time? I wish.

But then we had, there was two kids and an older man were the ghosts. But then we had, there was two kids and an older man were the ghosts. We always hear the kids playing in the attic. We'd always hear shit in the attic and stuff like that. And they had a seance person come in and they said that a seance person came in. Yeah.

So what was the seance? How did that go down? I wasn't there. You weren't there? Did they all hold hands? No, he just came in and checked out the corners. Yeah, it was a good old woman. She's like, yeah, there's definitely a presence. And started describing the stories. He was an old mobster who was hiding money in the closet and stuff like that. It's got to be a fun job to get to make up all those great stories.

It's going to be a mobster. But what's crazy about it is they lived there for my little cousin, Noelle. I mean, she lived there until she was three. And then she moved away. And then one day when she was like five years old, we were all out to dinner at the Olive Garden, and she mentioned something about missing the children that were in that room, and we never talked to her about it. She's like, I miss those two kids, those two kids that she used to always play with.

Yeah, that's great. But we had never brought it up to her. We kept it a secret. She was like, who, what kids? Do we miss kids? It was ridiculous. That's awesome. That's fun.

Yeah, no, that was a good one. See, I would think, Kevin, that Jamaica would be extremely haunted. No, no, no, man. We didn't have ghosts anywhere near our house because we were protected by the power of God. But, yeah, that's true. I did play Luigi's Mansion, though. I know. Ghosts don't do well with vacuums, man.

Just know that. Was there a lot of voodoo in Jamaica? What kind of shit is this, man? I don't know. I don't know anything about voodoo. Voodoo is a Haitian. It's just Haitian? Yeah, that's Haiti.

Oh, okay. I don't know. It's a good thing there's a table between you two right now. I would not want to get in between KB and Eddie. I would look just like that chick who got her face ripped off. Yeah, you did kind of just go, you know, you guys are all the same, right? I mean, I do feel bad for Kevin.

Kevin has to encompass like two billion people on this show. I thought Voodoo was just all the islands. I'm sorry. Well, I guess that's better than, I mean, just the Caribbean, you just all the islands. I'm sorry. Well, I guess that's better than, I mean, just the Caribbean, you know, the islands. I guess that's better. I thought it was all of them. Except for the Spanish ones, of course.

Of course. I bet you, Marcus, Voodoo priests ever make you suck his dick or anything? Do I want to tell that story? No, I saw a goblin once. Yes, yeah, a goblin. What's the goblin story? I saw a goblin once. Yes, yeah, a goblin. What's a goblin story? I saw a goblin whenever I was like 10. A goblin?

You saw a goblin. So you saw a Haitian just run around. No, I saw a goblin. He was washing dishes at a time. Next thing you know. These goblins keep on giving me more dishes to wash. Put me in the dish. Put me in the dish.

This place is haunted as fuck. I don't know, man. I couldn't find a pay stub for him anywhere. I was staying at my cousin's house in Lubbock, back in Texas, and it was the middle of the night, and he lived in a suburb-type area. I woke up,

and I was like 8, 10, somewhere around there, and I woke up in the middle of the night, had like this dreadful feeling in my stomach and like I have to, there's something fucking weird out that window and I have to go look at it. And I stood up and I looked out the window and I saw this weird green pig blob.

Pig blob? What do you mean pig blob? I feel like I'm jacking off right now. A pig blob? It clearly was a'm jacking off right now. A pig blob? It clearly was a chupacabra, man. No, it was a pig blob. It was like this big green blob in the shape of a pig.

Did it introduce itself to you? Did it tell you it was a goblin? Was it Mr. Peanut? It sounds like this is just a spokesman for the terrible Texas lottery. Just the pig blob with the top hat and the monocle. Yeah, man, you should have played that night. Absolutely. That's the sign.

That's when you know you're going to win. Well, I was eight. What else happened? That's it? That is not a goblin? That's a goblin? You fucking lunatic. You know what?

Go surreal. That's what we've proved. All know what? Ghosts are real. That's what we've proved. All right. That's the whole thing. This is the round table. Oh, Patrick. What's your ghost story?

I saw a goblin one time. Oh, wait, wait. That was a turkey. That was just a turkey. All right. For Eddie Larson, hold it, McNeely. Kevin Barnett, thank you so much for being here. Amber Nelson. Thanks for having me, man. And Patrick Dett, thank you so much for being here. Amber Nelson.

Thanks for having me, man. And Patrick Dixon, thank you. You're amazing. You're attractive. You're beautiful. I have a podcast. He's got a podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Parks.

I'm Ben Kitzel. We will talk to you very soon. Put a baby on it. Pour some chili on it. Pour some chili on it. Pour some chili on it. Put a goblet on it. Put a baby in it. There's a beer in here, yeah. Because there's one here. There some chili on there. Put a goblet on it. Put a baby in it. There's a beer in here, yeah.

Because there's one here. There's two in here. Yeah, so you have that one and we have all these beers to drink. Hey, Pat has a podcast. I promote your podcast every week on my podcast. Oh, really?

My podcast on your podcast? Aim, Link, and Stop That I mention it almost every week. Don't mention the name. Not on this podcast. Are we still going? Podcast? I have no idea. Do you want me to plug name. Not on this podcast. Are we still going? Podcast? I have no idea.

Do you want me to plug? New York City Crime Report. It's great. You can listen to Pat Dixon's podcast. I mean, it's fine. If you want to. If you fucking want to. It's fine.

It's a fine podcast. Pat Dixon's. New York City Crime Report. Yeah, the cops like it. Cops like it. Listen to New York City Crime Report Yeah Cops like it Cops Listen to New York City Crime Report Every Tuesday On Abling and Stop Hat

I think you officially owe Pat money For that plug What? People who are already listening Are going to drop it That's it It's all done It's all cave comedy radio

Listen to all of it Can we please shut off, Ben? Yeah, please. I'm done. Turn him off. Pissed in the cake. I did piss in the cake. How am I going to blame for ruining this?

You pissed on that cake, bro. Who else would have done it? All right. I have to pee. I really do. Does anyone got a cake?