The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 6: Inside Thoughts

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Besides what goes on in Kissel’s head, shit gets heated up even further between Holden and Isadora, Jackie’s got a nudist infestation, Kevin fantasizes about titty pools, and Ed reminisces about a childhood memory of a rabbit raping a kitten on this, the sixth episode of The Roundtable of Gentlemen

Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen. I'm Ben Kissel, and with us as always, the Roundtable. Who are you? Kevin Barnett. Holden McNeely. H-O-L-D-E-N. Holden McNeely. H-O-L-D-E-N. Holden McNeely. Nice. Ed Larson. Jackie Zebrowski.

In the chuckle hut, we got Henry Zebrowski and newsman as always, Marcus Parks. What's up, buddy? Marcus Parks with the news. You guys heard that Urkel beat the shit out of his wife and smashed her head into a toilet? Yeah! Let's be fair here. Urkel didn't do out of his wife and smashed her head into a toilet? Yeah! Let's be fair here. Urkel didn't do that. Stefan did that.

A far cooler move than Urkel could ever make. Jaleel White. I don't know if Urkel's sure that he did it. That was his thing. What did she do? What did she do? You deserve it. It's a real Shacklin' Mr. Dork situation.

Actually, it's not his girlfriend. It's his baby mom. Oh, okay. Ohork situation. Actually, it's not his girlfriend. It's his baby mom. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Yeah, it was very, very aggressive. So is she okay? What's the deal? Well, it doesn't really say, actually.

I'm sure she's fine. Oh, of course she's fine, yeah. I mean, she did get her head shoved in the toilet so hard that it broke. Big Lebowski style. Big Lebowski style. Give him the money, bitch. Give him the money, bitch. Give him the fucking money.

You know, and it's like just the other day I was wondering what, you know, Urkel was doing. Apparently he's beating up bitches. I had no idea. He's just being fucking rich as shit, beating his wife. Is he still rich as shit, though? I was talking to my boss about it today. He's in the entertainment biz. Apparently with residuals, he said that Jaleel's probably still a multi-millionaire because Family Matters

is still on syndication also. Oh, is it really? I had no idea. Nick at night, man. He's just living the fucking dream. He doesn't have to do anything anymore. He gets to play a nerd for 10 years on TV and get ridiculed by everybody for a decade, but nonetheless, he's a millionaire for 50 years. Man, I wish I had some money,

man, so I could have lame problems like beating the fuck out of my wife. It's like I can't pay my bills. I got, ugh, it's just like the worst. Like, how am I supposed to take a woman out on a date, much less beat her? Speaking of beat holding, I hear some ladies are really doing some mad puddling to you lately. Ooh,

baby! Well, it is, yes. Hot stuff. But I can't, you know, okay. Talk about it. Alright, can I? Of course you can. Absolutely. Isadora can't, you know, okay. Talk about it. All right, can I? Of course you can. Absolutely. Isadora, hi, how's it going, girl? This is our number one fan, little Liz.

What's up, baby? Hello. Hi. This is for you in the nighttime. You're together, you're alone. It's cold, Mexican night. I'm warm. I'm like a little warm.

He's dripping furiously. I'm kind of moist right now. But you're used to that, you know, in Mexico. And I've got like a silk robe on and like little bunny slippers that I like to wear. And it's like we're all grooving. I've got like kind of a half hard. He's kicked all the chickens off the mud floor. He looks good.

He looks good. I don't have any oils because I can't afford them, but I have some ketchup and mustard in the freezer. Oh, yeah. Condiments. I'd like some ketchup cubes. You know what they call ketchup in Mexico? Steak. Which is really interesting.

Mexican steak. That's a fillet. Yeah. That's nice. A fillet is a great coupon. Fillet mignon. So you're courting her. You guys are together. Yes, everything's going great coupon. Filet mignon. So you're courting her. You guys are together.

Yes, everything's going great. We're meeting up soon. And I just want you to know, I've just got some sex. Everything's sexy right now. And like, I'm just, I'm boning up, boys. Let's get ready for it, all right? I've got a fucking grade three bone, lone bone. He's levitating over his head.

He's got a scale of 20. And it's like. His boner's going through hisating over his own. It's out of a scale of 20. And it's like... His boner's going through his butt for some reason. It happens quick. You know, it happens fast. And then you never see it again. Yeah. And then it doesn't get back to that, you know.

But maybe we could put some pills in me and make it last longer, you know, because you can get those pills in Mexican pharmacies. Like Viagra. A little Viagra. A little Megig, which is a new pill in Mexico that makes you harder for like three weeks. Oh, not bad. Yeah. What makes you think that she wants you so bad?

Did she do anything special to your Facebook pictures? A little irony about to happen here. For those of you who missed the episode last week, Holden has, he admitted that he has stroked off to Izzy's pictures no less than nine times. And probably yours. No less than nine. Probably yours. Now it's a little bit of a back and forth. We're hoping to get a video chat going on soon. I want to wear my monkey mask.

Nice. It's going to be special, you know. It's going to be like it's you and me, girl. And it's just like we're taking it out with some classic oldies. Coming up next is Cat Stevens playing Father and Son. Paul and something you don't have much connection with.

Oh, no, we do a talk show. Well, that's not bad, buddy. No, it's going good. My prospect is thousands of miles away. She's beautiful, though. Does she take it to your pictures? This is what. She's beautiful, though. She's glorious. Does she jake it to your pictures?

This is happening. This is what we're talking about, man. This is what's happening. So you guys are going to do a video chat? What, are you going to masturbate at each other? I think we're going to beat off to each other, yeah. Wow! She's going to have like a dildo strap on thing, so she'll be able to beat off, too.

She's going to fill it with pudding. Yeah, exactly. What if she just pulls out a giant cock? She just has a huge dick. What would you do? There's no turning back at this point. I'm that desperately lonely. Let's do this, girl.

I don't care what you guys are going on down there. We'll make it happen. If I find you jacking off to this chick with this chick on X Hamster or UGIS when I'm trying to beat off to my porno Big Titted Stars, I'm going to be very, very aroused. How many mornings I'm trying to beat off to my porno big titted stars I'm going to be very very aroused how many mornings I've had to wake up to no I'm so sorry about this

okay it's fine it's fine just finish up okay I'm going three four minutes these days. I'm terrible. Then I cry, and then I try to get back to sleep, but I can't. It's just like, I hate, I've had so many mornings lately where I'm just like,

I know I've had enough sleep, but please just take me out for a little bit longer. I've been reading a lot, yeah, I've been reading Walking Dead, trying to have zombie dreams. I finally had one the other night. Nice. Oh, I had zombie dreams. It was so much fun. Oh, wait, that was just me thinking about having sex with my girlfriend.

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Zombie dreams. No, I had to quarantine them. I had to keep them off to the side. This is when I have to bring Henry in because he has the best zombie dream I've ever heard. You know what I'm talking about, right, bro? Henry Zebrowski, part of the peanut gallery here at the round table. The chuckle hot.

The chuckle hot. I had a dream. I've had many zombie dreams, but the most poignant zombie dream I've ever had was I was in this abandoned warehouse and there were zombies everywhere and I had a gun, right?

And I'm going, I'm like killing zombies one at a time and then I see my dead mother. My mother's a zombie and she comes up to me and I try to shoot her, and I'm, like, conflicted because it's my mother,

and no bullets are coming out, so I have to take a bullet out of the chamber, get on top of her, and then push the bullet into the center of her brain. Wow. Wow. Andrew, Browski, mother issues. That is the killer.

Whatever when you woke up, bro, what was that wake-up experience like? I woke up, and I was like, do I have to kill her. I had to do it. Whatever when you woke up, bro. What was that wake-up experience like? I woke up, and I was like, do I have to call her? And I was like, no, no, it didn't happen. What if you called her, and she was just like, I'd be like, get off the phone! They're using the phones! Zombies have been using the phones now.

I had a dream my mother stabbed my grandfather to death in front of me on a cruise ship. That's amazing. I had one dream where I was in the shower and it was my father there with me and I was just blowing him. That's true. That's not really like a zombie dream. No, it's not a zombie dream. Like a murder dream.

No, but it was a weird dream though. That's one of those keep in the inside. No, that's an inside thought. Inside thought, okay. It fits what we would talk about. We've been working with Ben on inside thoughts. We've been trying to begin. So, Benny blowing daddy.

No, yeah, no good for the outside thought. Okay. Good for the inside. Well, actually, bad for the inside. It's terrible on the inside. It hurts my inside. I need to get it outside. I once had a dream where I broke my shoelace

and had to buy another one. Boring. Yeah, the most boring dream I've ever had or ever heard of. Yeah, that is by far the most boring. It's like Three Stooges PC game, like one of the tasks you have to do on that game. Remember that old PC game for the Three Stooges? I remember the Nintendo game the tasks you had to do on that game. Remember that old PC game for the Three Stooges?

I remember the Nintendo game. Well, he just had to fix his Stradivarius. He broke his Stradivarius string, and for some reason that led to him boxing. Doesn't make any sense. And there was a lot of crackers involved, if I remember correctly. He had to eat crackers. Yeah, had to eat a lot of crackers. But the more you got right, the more they would take their clothes off?

Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Speaking of nudity, Jackie, you got yourself a bit of a butthouse in the old home of yours, right? Oh, yeah. I got a bunch of people crashing at my place, kind of like a big orgy house right now.

Nice. Which is fine. Marcus, you know about those? Oh, yeah. One of the friends has a scrotum for a head. Oh, yeah. Bad situation. Well, talk about scrotums.

This guy is a nudist, and he is just a nude. Isn't he just a sexual accoster? No. No, he was putting in... He's straight up nude? He's putting in my roommate's air conditioner and he's lifting. Naked. Naked. Completely naked

and I was just like... Why is he hot? He should be cool as hell. No, I mean he's very cool. It's so hard because I'm down i'm not approved by any means whatsoever no but how do you not stare at the dick like how do you not because but the dick is not a good looking thing you know you just shove it in your mouth you shove it on the inside you never want to see it ever again i don't want to see a reuben sandwich doing chores around the house.

No, it's just... I just met this guy, and he walks into my house and immediately derobes. And I was like, alright, this is going to be this kind of week. Can he even ask? No, no, no asking. Is he staying at your house? Oh yeah, staying nude at my place. He's a guest.

Oh yeah. Along with like 15 other people. He's a guest. Oh, yeah. Along with like 15 other people. Oh, yeah. It's just like, it's very hot. It's very, people are starting to take off their clothes.

And they're like, are you a nudist? I said, I mean, no. I'd sleep in the nude, sure, but not on the, not when I'm putting in air conditioners. Are there flippy floppy boobies

in this situation? Well, not flippy floppy, pert and delicious. Oh! Fantastic. We'll have to make a trip over there. We were just talking about tits floating in the air. Oh, yeah. A floating breast party where we're making it happen.

As soon as we can get it going on, it's going to be a bunch of brews, a bunch of bros, and just floating tits. No women, just tits. Individual tits by themselves. I like to keep it realistic so I have a pool where they float and not in the air. I'm not trying to get crazy. But you could really,

you could just get all, just rub them against your dick? I say you just keep your mouth open and just let them come to you. Boobies don't have to rub on your dick for boobies to be great. Boobies are fine just on their own. You can do a lot of things with you slap a titty i love to slap a titty just like slap it well yeah but we lay on it you know use it as a corner there's so many things you can do with it they're the givers of milk those bosoms oh my god

wait have we talked about this already Who's tasted Anyone tasted breast milk We've talked about this already Oh yeah We've definitely talked about it I love talking about it So Jackie What are you gonna do You gonna let this guy

Just be all buck ass naked In your house Well yeah I kinda have to You know I'm not No you don't It's your house

It is naked in your home Yeah but really You know It's at least Something to look at I'm so hot I can't do anything else but drink and stare. You don't have television, right?

No. No. So I might as well. You have Cinemax. What if he's like one of those that sweat out of his asshole? And he's sitting up on your couch and the asshole sweat is just dripping all over. Just poopy butthole sex. That's not good.

And guys, I mean, they're just like always slowly pooping. I'm pooping a little bit right now. I didn't even know that. Oh, it's true. I take off my underwear at night. It looks like some sort of Indian burial ground or something. Oh, that's just me? That's just you. Oh. Inside thoughts. And my dad.

Yeah, it's an old man thing. I'm mature for my age. I have an uncontrollable anus. I have a deep butt. So we're not gonna talk about it Jackie I think you gotta shut this man down You can't let him go crazy He's just taking this hospitality to a whole other level He's never gonna leave You don't think so?

No way You let a man be nude in your house for that long He's staying He's an organic farmer Oh god What does that even mean? I fucking hate this guy So he's not a good farmer

So he's gay So he's not a good farmer So he's So he's So he's gay So he's just like Oh this is amazing We never have any crops I don't do shit Being an organic farmer is great

I don't do There's no farm Nothing to farm Oh god We gotta get him out of there We can go back to the day Where chicks bought communes You know

Where they bought into it And you could just have them there And they're all just naked And you like go And like Quote unquote hunt I.e. smoke a fucking fat J a weed and they like took care of all your babies

and like fucked you and sucked you and just like fucked on. I just need some pussy, man. I just fucking need some fucking pussy, man. You're going to go to the Pennsylvania Amish land. Yeah, you're going to be just fine. Yeah, yeah.

You tell me that. Get that GT going with Izzy. Holt is now, he got a new job. He's now working in women's clubs. Tell us about this clusterfuck. We're still alive! I'm like writing songs about it and shit. It's just like I have to be a folk singer now.

It's so terrible. I've hit a new low in my life. I'm a 27-year-old man. I'm working in an air-conditionless warehouse. Ooh, air-conditionless. That's good. No air conditioning. They gave me a little fan. Organic air.

Farts. I've been doing them, buddy. I've been doing them. You know, it's just awful, man. I'm bringing weed on Monday because this is fucking hellions, dude. I'm just like checking in women's clothing and shoes that's being returned. I mean, it's like miserable.

It's like this point in my life where I'm just like, why, God? And I realize this is just like that. I was telling Jack earlier, there's two sides. There's two different sides of people. The people on the sixth floor of that building, those are the people that God loves. Oh, okay. And then there's the fifth floor of the building And those people

Obviously God hates them And I You know I get there and I'm just like I'm in purgatory I'm like oh it's air conditioned up here Oh there's a bunch of models up here And photographers and everyone's dressed all fancy What kind of business is it? It's uh oh it's guilt

I love the name yeah the, the name is Guilt. Guilt.com. You can get your fucking return, get clothes and return them for no reason. Guilt of going into the entertainment business. Yeah, yeah, Guilt. And yeah, and then down in the fifth floor, it's like me and like a bunch of Mexicans, and we are not having fun. No, you guys just contribute.

Maybe you should talk to him about his door. Get some advice. I know, you guys just contribute. Maybe you should talk to him about his door. Get some advice. I know, man. Learn some. Yeah, I got to learn some. Yo soy libro. That means I am book. I am book.

Not bad. Lay that sweet, sweet game down. Oh, yeah, bro. Again, booking it. You got to pull an Urkel, Mel Gibson move. Just really pound her in the face. Mel Gibson was on the lot, by the way. Really?

Yeah, I heard people talking. It's like, did you see Mel Gibson? Did you see Mel Gibson? No, I didn't fucking see Mel Gibson. It was in a fucking air-conditioned warehouse where people don't. Yeah, no Mel Gibson. No Mel Gibson there. He wouldn't fucking be caught dead there, man.

I'm surprised he shows his face in Brooklyn. Given all the recent racial slurs and spousal abuse. His new racial slur recorded? Wetback. Oh, wow. I never understood the term wetback to describe Mexicans. Don't they cross a desert? What river?

The Rio Grande. They cross the Rio Grande. Oh, okay. Because I always just thought, like, and then that's. They crossed the Rio Grande. Oh, okay. Because I always just thought, like, and then that's in America, the Rio Grande, or is that in Mexico? It's the border of American and Mexico. It's the border of Texas and Mexico. Oh, okay. But it's mostly desert, right?

It's a small river. No, it's a huge river. It's a big river. Yeah, it's a huge river. I know nothing. That's really, like, as a racial term. Like, it's not even a bad racial term. They're wetbacks.

It just sounds a lot worse than it is. They crossed over to wetbacks. Dry tummies, though. They're just relaxing doing the backstroke. I grew up in a very Mexican town. You call someone a wetback, you are likely to seriously be killed. Stabbed. That makes sense.

Yeah, but they'd kill your ass anyway. You grew up in a Mexican town. Oh. No, no. I take that back. It's a terrible generalization. Stabbed That makes sense Yeah but they kill your ass anyway You grew up in a Mexican town Oh I No no I take that back It's a terrible generalization Isadora is like

You'll never see that bitch again She's not a bitch I think I'm after Angel Everything you've said And she already She's still having Explosive orgasms

By looking at your horse face On the profile pictures I think that anything you say Is not going to change how she feels. Yeah, she obviously hates herself. Get out. He is an abuser and a user. I'm a big faggot. Yeah, I know it, man.

It's just like, but either way, I've got it. When you got nothing, man, you got nothing. You got nothing to lose. Ah, yeah, yeah. You are making a terrible case for yourself right now in the G-Chat fuck fest. Yeah, man. I'm the world's slut right now, man. Everybody fucks me.

You know, I just. Fucking Christ. I hope you're going to say this is a real person, man, because this whole fiasco. Oh, no, I'll show you the FB pics after this, bro. She's a real person. Somehow they're sticking on Facebook. It's not even possible. Yeah, my friend Kyle, this is at a time where during the asexuality phase of our life,

and Kyle hadn't seen any type of vagina in three years. He said, fuck it. This is what he did. This dude spent like a month researching different girls' Facebook profiles and what they would say. Researching, not stalking. No, research. No, there was a purpose behind this. This is science, bro.

This dude was fucking meticulous. And he made this Facebook account, this girl called Ileana Perez. She still exists. You can look her up right now. And like, it was beautiful. Like, he took all these pictures of girls from MySpace Spain. But what the beautiful part about it was they were all different girls. But he just so like the angles that they were at, they all look like the same person. But it was like a group of like 10 different girls that used the same thing.

And he made fake accounts for friends of hers and then started adding up all these dudes. That's very true. That is fucked up. Jackie, how do you feel? How do you feel if that happened? I already don't trust men as far as I can throw them and that kind of information is like...

You're a strong woman. You can throw a man pretty far. I can throw them very far. He made this account and then he said he made himself In a relationship With her on Facebook And saying how

She lives This is not healthy Yeah and she was saying Like this is when We were at Florida State And so she was saying Like that was a girl He met down in Miami

And so like Then he just started Adding up all the Miami football team And then he was like I don't know man I feel like she's Cheating on me

He would just tell me He would say that shit and he makes her back i love this guy he would just walk around and just pretend like he was just fucking depressed all the time and i remember like he was talking to my brother at one point. This is like weird science. It's like you made up your girlfriend. This is during the time when we had, like, the most amazing, we had, like, a string of pranks in this year that were all, like, legendary. And so he was talking to my brother at the time.

And he was like, because my brother was like, all right, we don't know if we can trust this dude. So he had my brother. He was talking to my brother. He was like, yeah, I don't know, man. Like, Ileana, man, she's been weird lately. You know, she's adding up all these football players. Like, hey, man, all right, what I want you to do is just, like, just send her a message, man. Just holler at her. See what she says. know she's adding up all these uh football players like hey man which all right what i want you to do is just like just just send her a message man just holler

to see what she says my brother's like all right my brother goes and sends her a message but then like he just starts like kyle's going on iliana's profile and hollering back at my brother and it goes back and forth back and forth back and forth until it gets to the point that my brother and We were supposed to meet up. It was fucking magic, man. It was magic. When did you finally reveal that it was a joke? This was like three years ago. And this is why I said this story.

Because just a couple days ago, Kyle called me. And he finally told Corey. He sent Corey a message and said, hey, it's me, Kyle. This is finally. Wow. Yeah. Because he was like, Corey went me, Kyle. This is finally... Wow. He was like, Corey went down to Miami. He was supposed to meet up with her, but what happened was one of our friend's girlfriends was supposed to... We were supposed to use her phone

and Corey was supposed to talk to her and just show up in a parking lot and it would just be Kyle. But then she got scared and she didn't want her brother calling. So, yeah, stupid bitch. They were going to meet in a parking lot? Well, you know, wherever they were going to meet. Oh, right. Sounds like boogie nights. That happened when we were in...

Can't get hard. Can't get hard. Big old dick like that. A lot of blood. Is that guy still just as desperate? Because if he is, he should give me a call. And I'll be his... Yeah, he comes, he comes.

You hear that, ladies and gentlemen? Jack, would I be fair in saying, ladies and gentlemen, Jackie's vagina is out for business? Out of business or out in business? Wait, do you want me to be a nudist right now? Because it's hot as fucking balls in here. It's very fucking hot here in the cellar. I've been sweating all day in that goddamn warehouse, man. No, no need for nudity. No need for nudity right now, Jackie. It's very fucking hot here in the cellar. You've been sweating all day in that goddamn warehouse, man!

No, no need for nudity. No need for nudity right now, Jackie. It's the radio. Not the best form. Henry, I'm not looking. I've been naked this whole time. Oh, yeah. He is.

He's naked as bejesus. I watched Henry get naked earlier today. It was interesting. Why? Stop it. He was telling me things about my body. Yeah. He was doing an things about my body. Yeah. He was doing an audition.

Oh, okay. For me. Do a casting couch with Henry. Show me your ass. More of it. When this guy stands up, Jackie, what kind of couch do you have? Do you have a leather couch or a, what do you call that? A not a leather couch.

Not a leather couch. Not a leather couch. A fabric couch. A fabric couch. So it's just really soaking in his juices, but God knows what other juices are on that couch already. You know what I mean? Yeah, but Tim Keef lived on that couch for God knows how long. Oh, Jesus.

Right? Another murder fister, yeah. Yeah. It's very, very greased out then at this point. Good thing he wasn't a nudist. Harry Palms. Harry Palms on that Tim Keef. How charming was this guy

in the Facebook emails? Was he like really trying to court this Izzy chick? Or what was her name again? Ileana. Ileana? Like how charming was my brother? Yeah.

Oh yeah. He was like, he was hard. At first he was like, yeah, I don't know man. Then he started being shady and he wouldn't say anything and he just kept hollering at me.

And that was the beauty of it, man. That was so beautiful. I was just like, wow, if this was for real, if this was really Kyle's girlfriend, this is what would

be happening. What was the most romantic thing you said to her? I mean, damn, what the fuck? That was like years ago, man.

I just remember like, my brother like, he's a, I don't know, my brother's an idiot. And he's like, but I don't know, he was just saying stupid shit shit he was just being real flirty and he was like oh well you know we should hang out it isn't that right that's awesome what'd you do for the summer

pranks what was like uh oh man there was a then there was a couple of them there's one uh remember that story I told the other dude well not never mind because I changed names and that but uh there was this thing uh where uh this dude and uh we'll just say this dude Brandon, right? This dude's insane. Are you talking about the dudes from the gun sale? No, no, no. Oh. It's this dude Brandon, and he was just, like, fucking insane.

And there was one night where, and this involves Kyle, too, where Brandon and Kyle were just talking to each other, just shooting shit or whatever, and then out of nowhere, because Brandon was out of his mind and just drunk, he just started fighting Kyle. He was just beating the shit out of Kyle. We were like, what the fuck? And everyone got mad. So the next day, I called Brandon, and I'm like, no, he calls me. He's like, damn, man, I don't even remember anything from last night.

I just remember I walked in the door, and I was like, damn, dude, you don't remember what you did? And he was like, no, man. He's like, you don't remember anything? I'm like, no, man. He's like, I was like, damn, dude, you don't remember what you did? And he was like, no, man. He's like, you don't remember anything? I'm like, no, man. He's like, I was like, dude, man, you remember when you licked that dude's dick? And he was like, what?

I didn't want to go and suck the dick because that would have been too much. But I said lick the dick would have been all right. Which seems like a reasonable thing. Like, I've done that. OK. And he was just like, what? Look at this nigga.

Why would I do that? Why would I lick a dick? What the fuck? Why would I lick a dick? I'm like, Brandon, I don done that. Okay. And he was just like, what? Look at this nigga. Why would I do that? Why would I lick a dick? What the fuck? Why would I lick a dick? I'm like, Brandon, I don't know, but this dude came out

and he was like, he was like, nigga, I'm from the streets. And you were like, nah, nigga, you ain't from the streets.

And he was like, and he was again like, nigga, I'm from the streets. And Brandon's like, nigga, I'm from the streets. I don't give a fuck about nothing.

And the dude was just like, oh yeah, you don't give a fuck you from the streets? Lick this dick right now. And he went down and he licked it. And then he was just like, he like lost his mind. And like, I thought he didn'ticked it. And then he was just like, he lost his mind.

And I thought he didn't believe it. And he just keeps screaming about me about how he wouldn't do something like that. And then it was like, finally, at the end of the conversation, I thought he didn't believe it. And he was just like, Kevin, please, please, as a friend, don't tell anyone. And I was like, all right, man, I'm not going to tell anybody. You need to talk to Adrian because he was there. So, of course, I call everybody. I'm like, all right, man, next'm not going to tell anybody. You need to talk to Adrian because he was there. So, of course, like I call everybody.

I'm like, all right, man, next time we see Brandon, we got to do it. It's like that night we are at a party. It was like eight of us sitting in a circle or whatever. And Brandon walks up. He's like, hey, what's up? Yeah, what's up? And everyone just stares at him. No one gives him a handshake.

And he's just sitting there like shaking his head, just looking sad because he's realizing what's going on. Homophobic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the most homophobic person in the world, which is perfect. And this is what put the final nail in the coffin. Like, I remember at one point, my friend Barry was sitting over by the keg, and Brandon walks over to Barry, and he's like, hey, Barry, man, were you at that party last night?

And Barry's like, yeah, man. He's like, all right, man, did you see anything that I did? Was I acting crazy? Did you see anything? And Barry's like, man, I mean, you fought Kyle. I was like, yeah, yeah, I know about that. I was that I did was I acting crazy did you see anything he's like Bear's like man I mean you fought Kyle I was like

yeah yeah I know about that I was like did I do anything crazy that you saw and Bear's like I don't know you didn't do

nothing too crazy but I just remember at one point you were off in the corner talking to these two dudes by yourself

and they look gay they look gay as fuck and then it was done yeah yeah it was done

and it was it was beautiful because for like years we didn't, this was again like three years ago, we didn't say anything. You let these things sit. You guys sit on your fucking shirts. Well, like with that one, we actually forgot about it, man. And then like one night we were at, this was like this past summer, so it was two years, two and a half years after that happened.

And we were at Bullwinkle's in Tallahassee. This must have changed his whole life. Yeah, exactly. And this is the thing. He's probably married with like three kids now. Yeah, yeah. And like it was just out of nowhere. Like he was just like I remember because we were all just just about to graduate and we're talking about shit that happened he's like damn man I can't believe that shit from that one time whatever and we were finally just like yeah uh about that Brandon you didn't do it it never happened

and he fucking he went crazy like what what? He's jumping up and down and screaming. And, like, apparently, like, he, like, because he was dwelling on that for, like, two and a half years. Oh, he must have had terrible nights alone, dude. Yeah, he said he saw a therapist. Like, that happened. That is one of the best practical jokes ever. It's so simple. Yeah, exactly.

It was so simple. But it was beautiful. I was so happy about that What's he doing now? Is he full of recovery? No he's actually doing great man Like he plays jazz bass And he's about to do

I think he's gonna do The Montreux Jazz Festival Soon which is like The biggest jazz festival Oh wow Montreux Yeah The gayest jazz festival Licking all the types of dicks

At the jazz festival Skin flute I just feel like I would be terrified Of getting drunk again You know like I'm gonna black out And I'm gonna start types of dicks at the jazz festival. Skin flute. I just feel like I would be terrified of getting drunk again. You know, like, I'm gonna black out

and I'm gonna start licking dicks and I don't know what to do about that. Absolutely, man. Once you start getting lick dick rumors, you gotta take it easy.

Very, very careful. We've all done terrible things when we've been drunk. Speaking of terrible things, there is a child author that just got busted for child pornography. He was just got busted for child pornography.

He was just doing research for his books. I will say. What's so wrong with a child author getting to know his target audience? Yeah, it was awful. Just giving the kids what they want. Yeah, what's the name of the franchise? The name is called Castle Cant. Oh, Castle Can, though.

Castle Can. That means yes. Cant means can. Society says I can't, but Castle Cant, I can, which is very fantastic. And so it showed, let's see here, bestiality. All right. Sato masochism. No problem.

And rape. In these books? No. In the children? In the porno that he had. Children were doing bestiality? You got children bestiality? Children doing bestiality.

Oh, that actually nullifies itself. That's totally fine. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Two negatives make a positive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

If you do two crimes like that at once, it's like it's totally normal because, oh, God, that poor cow. Oh, God, that poor kid. I guess they're fine. Because they're going through it together Yeah, exactly, that's true They both obviously wanted it

Or they wouldn't have done it Why would that cow be coming all over that 8-year-old boy Unless that cow was really aroused And that boy was loving it Exactly It's not like there's a fucking firing squad pulling that out Yeah Please, just get out of there, kid

Ben, list off real quick What's the bestiality you've watched? I have seen. I saw a Swedish girl. I went to Amsterdam. I went to the sex museum in Amsterdam, and there was just an entire wall of bestiality. I saw a Swedish girl blowing a goat, which

surprisingly small penises, I want to say for the goats. Not the most well-endowed animal. Why are they so angry? Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. That's the thing. Yeah, and I did see, of course, classic horse going into a woman's asshole, which is, it's a baseball bat going right in there. And frankly, I gave her credit and I thought she did a fantastic job. If she were in front of you, you would have high-fived her.

Yeah. I guess so. I mean, I wouldn't have... Get her a band-aid. Yeah. Get her a band-aid or stitch her up. Just try to find her father that never loved her. I don't know what it would take.

But yeah, that's pretty much it. And then classic, you know, just classic... Oh, and dog. Keep saying classic. You know, like the things that everybody looks at over time. What is classic? What are the classics? Inside thoughts? Are these inside thoughts?

Yes, these are inside thoughts that need to come out. What are classics? Dog, horse. Very classic. A boy fucking a dog or a horse fucking a boy. Oh, I thought you were talking about a dog fucking a horse. Oh, no, no, that's disgusting. Dog on horse.

Just unnatural. Not like that. Not two dummies. Two dummies like that cannot be banging along there. But no, and then I did see, I'm not really sure. I don't like to go into it too much. But, you know, I was a foster brother and sister. So a lot of those kids had issues and occasionally they fucked my dog.

Really? Yeah. So I'm not going to go too much into that, but there was a boy that I took care of, my foster brother growing up. Obviously, no one that I know close to me in my family. He really quite loved when the dog licked on the old, immature peen of his. Wow. So we had to make sure they weren't in the same room together. Oh, my God.

Hey, it's true. That's the solution. Well, yeah. What else? You can't get rid of the dog. You can't get rid of the fucking boy. You drown the boy. Oh my god. Hey, it's true. I mean, well, yeah, what else? You can't get rid of the dog. You can't get rid of the fucking boy.

Drown the boy. Shoot the dog. You just try to console the poor dog. I've used to have it growing up in the Larson household. No, I had a dog

lick marshmallows off my balls once, so I can't. What? What? Well, just, I put marshmallows on my balls just for the dog to lick them off.

Did you not have any peanut butter? No, we were drinking Zima's, you see. It was the first time I ever drank. I was 13 years old at my friend Jared's house. And it was just a dare at like 3 in the morning, you know. And that's all that was. Oh, yeah, no big deal. Well, it's not a big deal.

It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. It's kind of a big deal. Well, this is why I have it. It's not a big deal for your balls, man, that were there for the dog to lick off. This is your friend's dickless story. Those were no one else's marshmallows. This is my story. This is the one I couldn't live down. Were they like hot marshmallows?

Did you spread them around your balls? Or were they just, you just put pieces of marshmallows on your dick? No, no, no. I just kebabbed my huge boner with them. I just wrapped them around, and then it just sort of put its mouth on there, and it just took five or six of them. You just said balls. Now we're moving up to the next level. Yeah.

No, the truth is balls, but I wanted to go a little bit more there just to make it seem like it's not true. So you – if I were to get – if I were to have a dog lick my shelf – You want a Doberman. Is that the question? Because they have the greatest teat. But if I were to get, if I were to have a dog lick our shelves. You want a Doberman. Is that the question? Because they have the greatest teats. I don't know if you're aware of those. Fierce lickers, too.

Oh, they're amazing. Mildly retarded. Ben, will you please run for president just so you could be the dude to just go down in flames like the hardest, like running for office? Freedom. Freedom. Just to make some dude's day who's running against you just be like oh my you've got to be kidding me that's my theory any friend of mine that's going to run for office i'm supporting their the candidate that they're running against and i'm just going to like love them and uh i'm just going to tell everybody these stories and i'm going to get my friend

elected he's not supported by me and that's the most important thing To get an elected in the United States of America Anyway, bestiality It's all it's cracked up to be and more It's really great What does that mean? Just go out there kids and you just fuck your cats and screw your dogs And I'll tell you, if you have a turtle Watch out though, not the most romantic

They're the real Urkels of animals Are cats classic bestiality porn? No. Cats, actually, ironically enough, Asia. The Asian man can fuck the cat. Yeah. The Western man has more sex with the dog, and the Swedish man, they're up to the donkeys and the horses.

Oh, yeah. That's good thumbing. You know, you got to thumb it real good. Yeah, yeah. And, of course, I'll tell you, if you're not pleasuring the cat, that cat's going to let you know. Yeah. Cats are not there for our enjoyment. They're there for theirs.

When I was a kid, I watched a full-grown rabbit fuck a kitten. Holy Jesus. For how long? Yeah, how long did you stay on this spectacle, Eddie? It was a garage sale, and we had a kitten and a rabbit, and we put them in the same cage. And the rabbit just started boning it. What's a rabbit dick look like? Oh, yeah, I didn't see it

because it was inside the kitten. It looked like a cat. That rabbit's got a cat for a dick. Oh, wait. The dick is in the cat. The dick is in the cat. It sounds like you're a Russian spy or something. Gotta get out of here.

Well, either way. You know, we're talking about horses and shit like that. They're selling, do you guys know who Roy Rogers is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're selling his horse, Trigger. Yeah, Trigger. Completely preserved.

Isn't that the name of Sarah Palin's child, Trigger? Trig. Trig. Oh, okay. Is that what she named it after? That's the retarded one. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Can't that the name of Sarah Palin's child? Trigger? Trig. Trig. Oh, okay. Is that what she named it after? That's a retarded one. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Can't fuck Trigley. The one that goes all... It's so hard. Actually, Louis C. came in a funny joke about that. Sarah Palin's always like, it's so hard to raise a retarded kid, and it's like the baby is still six months old or whatever this time. He's like, kids are... It's not even retarded yet.

It's just a baby. Yeah. You know, it's like you you're just, anyway, go on. So they're selling Roy Robinson's stuffed horse. Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers. Roy Robinson. No, it's preserved in like a plasma juice. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. So that it makes it move and like talk. Yeah, an adult tank. Yeah. It's kind of beautiful, bro. Awesome. I want to see this, man. What do they say? They don't even say, like, they're

selling the horse. They're selling the remains of the horse. But I thought it was encased. Isn't it stuffed? Taxidermy, yeah. So they're gonna cremate the stuffed horse? No, no, no. I mean, remains doesn't automatically. Oh, I see. That is the remains

of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're, you know, the skin, pretty much. Why haven't we... They should sell it to the Smithsonian. That would be awesome. That would be real awesome. Why haven't we gone into stuffing human beings? I'm surprised. Like, mummification, you would think that more human beings would have been stuffed at some point. I actually know a taxidermist back home in Texas,

and he says that at least once a year, he gets a call from an old person, usually an old woman, usually an old woman wanting to stuff her husband. And what if that stuffing includes a huge bone? Give him a big boner. That would be bizarre. I wonder if they would change their clothes every day, though, make them seem more normal. Absolutely. Grandma, I them seem more normal. Absolutely.

Grandma and the Real Boy. Someone of that Lars film. I don't know. I'm actually not that creeped out by it. I think I would stuff a kid. A kid? Yeah. A kid or a family member or a friend.

If your kid dies, you never want to forget him. Yeah, yeah. Just stuff your kid. Just stare at him every day. I just feel like it would constantly terrify me, just like the mannequin in this room. Every time I see the mannequin, I think it's a real person. Her name is Mabel.

Mabel, I'm sorry. John Travolta should have done that with his autistic kid when he died. It would have been very, very similar to when he was alive. He's going to sit there at the kitchen table, just stare at him. He'll be like, oh my god, he's still with us! I know he's thinking! It would have taken three weeks just to stuff the head. Just soup ladle it up.

Oh my god, Ed. Well, that's funny. He did have a big fucking head. What can you do? It'll be like in high tension. You see that scary movie, High Tension? With actual skull fucking. Oh, really? It'll be like in High Tension. You see that scary movie, High Tension? With the actual skull fucking. You just hear.

Oh, yeah. Really? No, but then it shows that it's just this monster who cut the head off some broad and was just fucking her neck. Right, right. Using her head to fucking. Wait, which movie is this? High Tension.

High Tension. What is it? Norwegian? French. Is it on Netflix on demand? Because I'm looking for something to do tonight. Oh, yeah. I have wondered what Brain feels like on cock.

Right? That's all. That's all I have to say. I feel like you feel like pus. Don't you think so? Like you've ever had pus on your dick? No. No one's had sex with you here, Jackie.

We've not had pus on our dick, you fucking silkworm. I pop all the blisters before I fuck somebody. That is disgusting. That is so vile. I don't know why Henry does this to himself. Yeah, I really don't. I just said, Henry in the Chuckle Hut, how do you feel when your sister says that she has to pop puss out of her puss in order for someone to fuck it with her dick? I just want her to find a good man, a good honest man.

Someone that will take care of her. Someone just a good... Imagine some sort of young Jewish entrepreneur. Oh, yeah. They all love me, by the way. All those young Jewish entrepreneurs. Well, I'll tell you,

you're exactly their type. It's a good... You need somebody to boss around. It is a nice time to be a larger white lady. Black men are doing fantastic. They're all becoming multi-millionaires. You can find yourself a sugar daddy like need somebody to boss around. It is a nice time to be a larger white lady. Black men are doing fantastic. They're all becoming multi-millionaires. You can find yourself a sugar daddy like that.

Every single one. As I was walking here, as they were hollering at me from the cars... Hollering, hollering, hollering. They were hollering, and I realized that, like, oh, these guys aren't doing crack in their cars. They're just entrepreneurs that want to court me. That's right. They're using crack to entice you, perhaps. Yes, yes.

They are sweet. It's not a bad time to be alive. Good dude. It's about making that money. Now, if y'all want to hear the most fucked up news story of this week. Whoa, yeah. How could it get more fucked up from here? We have to do the jingle, though.

The most fucked up news story of the week. Whoa, yeah. How could it get more fucked up from here? We have to do the jingle, though. The most fucked up news story of the week. Yes! Alright. A Brazilian soccer star cut up his mistress into pieces and fed those pieces to his Rottweiler. Perfect.

A complaint. This is with his wife. This is with his wife. Yeah, with his wife. Oh, okay. Wow, was he playing in the World Cup? No, Brazil's already out. I'm saying, was he on the Brazil team? Yeah, he was. Wow! He's the goalkeeper, right, which I think is the most

important position in the... Goalkeepers are super famous, right? That's like the, whatever, the superstar. It's like the quarterback. Right, okay, yeah, like the quarterback. I mean, how did he get caught? Did they just like Cheech and Chong style just find a whole bunch of weed? How do you get caught for murder in Brazil? Yeah.

Did detectives just go through all of the dog's poop with like a little microphone? Whatever you call that thing. Microscope. Microscope. Yeah. microphone or whatever you call that thing. Microscope. They found her blood in his car.

They kind of pieced together different stories as far as like, yeah, he asked for a hacksaw. And he asked for a dog. From where? Brazilian people. The hacksaw dog store in Brazil. Oh, that's right. They're booming.

Doing great these days. Think about how strong his wife must have been. You know she's right. They're booming. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Doing great these days. Think about how strong his wife must have been. You know she put him up to that shit. She's like, hell no, I want to watch you hack her to pieces. You want me back? Kill that baby and its mother. Did the baby die or does he

still have the child? No, the baby is four months old. And who knows what the fuck is going to happen to that thing. That baby is going to be fine. Well, it's going to be terrified or it's going to become a superhero. It's going to become a comedian. Stuff it out of it.

I go with superhero. I go with superhero. And she told him, like, she can't take any more beating. And he said, and this is recorded, you're not going to get beaten anymore. You're going to die. Well, that's terrifying. And how was the overall Brazilian response? It was in Portuguese, though.

Oh, I see. Sounds much prettier. It's a beautiful language. It's just a great language. Isn't it nice? It really is. Yeah. What's the overall reaction?

People know that he did it? I mean, is he pretty much going to be guilty? It's like Eddie said. It's Brazil. They don't give a shit about murder. They're insane. No! Oh, my God.

I thought we had terrible athletes over here, but, you know, pretty much, you know, simple. Pretty tame, man. Yeah. You know, cocaine, LT, having sex with a younger prostitute, but that's all fine. The dog fights? I told you, the whole thing with the LT thing, he just knew a good deal and couldn't pass it up. Yeah, yeah. That's true.

I mean, that's the thing. When you buy a stereo off the street, you're like, was it stolen? I don't know. It's $10 and it's a Casio. I'm taking it. All it is is a story of a man who came from nothing and has now found success. And, you know, he's just got to save money when he can. You know, you can't just pass up stuff like that.

So, hey. 200 bucks and she's 16? Oh, God, that's going to cost me like four grand in New York. All right, we've got to wrap it up here, ladies and gentlemen. Any last thoughts? What do you guys think? Bestiality, yay or nay? And nudity, yes or no?

Well, you know know bestiality I'm down with as long as the cock is ripe and the dog is clothed and the dog is clothed

like my dad said a hole is a hole boy now get over here alright ladies and gentlemen this has been the round table of gentlemen Jackie Zabrowski

Ed Larson Marcus Parks Holden McNeely Kevin Barnett Chuckle Out Henry Zabrowski I'm Benarson, Marcus Parks, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, chuckle out Henry Zabrowski. I'm Ben Kissel. Good night. Or good day.