The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 60: You My Nazi

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Titty Hitler, stupid, stupid Neo-Nazis shaving and branding Navajos, disabled decapitations; we've got it all on this episode of the Round Table of Gentlemen! In addition, we also tell our favorite Polish jokes (interchangeable with Haitian jokes) and play our very own version of The Dating Game. Our Chuckle Hutter this week: host and producer of Sunday Night Stand-Up at Three of Cups in the East Village, R.G. Daniels!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh, yeah, no, I guess it's not going to be good. Ready to go? Giant piece of shit, Holden. What's up? You're on prayer, Ben.

Dear Beelzebub, I want to help. I want to pray for you. You are beautiful. I want your bosoms to get even bigger. I want you to make Holden not suck so terribly bad on this podcast. Curse his soul. More than a god. More than a god.

And you are more than a god, Beelzebub. Because you got cans the size of Jackie's. And I must say, Jackie, thank you, Beelzebub, for giving her the low-cut shirt she's wearing today. Because it is fucking sweet. Mistake. You did not make a mistake. You did a great job. You did not make a mistake You did a great job

So in the name of the Father And the Son And the Holy Bosoms Amen Jackie you are looking nice Alright Kevin don't you think Yeah man I mean good things are happening right now

Fantastic Alright Jackie Are you on the podcast Are you going to get over this Yeah, man. I mean, good things are happening right now. Fantastic. Alright, Jackie. Are you on the podcast? Are you going to get over this? You have to get over Jackie's dress. We're going to have to take her out and put a sweater on her. I ain't never putting a sweater on! Cub sweaters.

I'm Ed Larson. I'm Jackie. I'm here. You didn't say something, goddammit! Hold on me nearly. Coming at you smooth with jazz loops. BL's a boob. You didn't do a good job. I'm gonna be bad tonight. I already told you this. Jesus Christ.

Man, I'm Kevin Barnett, chilling. What's up? Yeah, there you go. Boob, Jackie's boob kiss all over here. Boob's over here. RG Daniels is in the truckle slut. You're the truckle over here. Boobs over here. RG Daniels is in the chuckle slut. You're the chuckle slut today. Alright. The role I was born to play. I'll be the chuckle slut.

I love you, RG. Love you too, Ben. What do you think about Jackie? I think she looks great. I don't think she ever not looks great, though. Yeah! Good answer. It's good ego boosting for me this evening. I'll tell you one thing. That's not all that's being boosted.

Hello, brassiere. And hello, who's in the news? It's all real. It's all real. I got real. It's just fat. You just shove the fat in. That's exactly why I like them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my titties fat as well, Ben. Eddie, if you were wearing that dress, these would all be directed towards you. Oh, my God. I look so good in that dress. I love your bosom, Ted. That's the problem. That's why, thank god, I'm not a cross-dresser, because all women wouldn't be able to wear their clothes anymore.

Because I just look better in everything that anyone wears. You are stunning. And speaking of men who look like women, Marcus Parks, how are you, dreamboat? I'm doing pretty good. I'm going to fuck one of you today. God, just on a rampage. I just not want it. I haven't masturbated today.

This is what it is. You're a fucking horny bitch. I haven't jerked off either today. This is weird. Yeah. Oh, man, I have... Oh, you know what? I'm not going to jerk off tonight either.

I'm going to go the whole day. You're going to keep it in there the whole... Are you nuts? The whole day. I want to get stir crazy. I have no cum in me. Kevin never masturbates. When was the last time you skranked on the old bean?

I mean, it's been a couple days, man. Skranked on the bean? He's not worried about it. You know what I'm saying? No, that's the best part about we all survived the earthquake today, man. We're all going to fuck like survivors tonight. That's right, Marcus. Did you feel the earthquake?

I didn't feel shit. I was down here in the basement. I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing, man. Terrible earthquake. I felt it. I felt it. Did you feel it?

I did. I honestly did. I thought that I was about to faint. And I was like, man, it seems like everything just moved. And Rachel was like, the door was swinging back and forth in the shop. My boss saw it happen. So I was like, whoa. That was a ghost.

Clearly a ghost. I wish I could have just seen all the girls jubblies when they walked down the street as the earthquake shook them up and down. It wasn't that jubbly. You're not going to make it, man. You're going to be jerking off tonight. I'm jerking off tonight. My girlfriend. I know. Yeah, it's fantastic. make it, man. You're going to be jerking off tonight. I'm going to be jerking off tonight. My girlfriend. I know.

Yeah, it's fantastic. All right, Marcus. Are there any news stories other than the fact that none of us have come today? I came today. Okay, you and Holden. Well, that's news. So there you go. That's news.

No one knows about that. That's definitely news. Henry, this goes out to you. Oh, my. That's the sound of Jackie. All right, guys. We don't have that many listeners. We need Henry. And now we've lost him.

Dateline, 1940. Alright. Marcus is jumping in. So we're in the 1940s. We're in the 1940s. In one of the British force's wackier schemes to rid the world of Adolf Hitler's violence, secret agents plotted to slip estrogen in the Fuhrer's food

in a bid to tame his aggression. Yeah! Give him no big titties. Why are you going to slip an estrogen? Why not poison? Just look at it. That's a better idea, Ed. Nope, nope, nope. There's a reason why. Because he had food tasters. Every meal that he ate, he had food tasters for it.

And estrogen works slowly enough as to be imperceptible over a long period of time until all of a sudden, Hitler's got tits. That sounds fantastic. Have you seen a bunch of women cooped up together? Estrogen is not a peaceful thing. That's the thing. I mean, do we want Hitler to have a PMS situation? I don't think so. That's the last thing you want, man. Bitches with guns. You don't need that.

Do you remember in Oz when they slowly fed the guy ground-up glass until he died a month later? No. That's similar. I've heard about that trick, though. Yeah, it's a good trick. They should have done that to him. Yeah, that's also a good idea. I mean, because the food taster just takes one bite, right? Hitler's got to take the whole plate of glass down. That would have killed him immediately. I feel like if we wanted to, we could have killed Hitler.

I mean, we did kill him. We killed himself. They definitely wanted to. It was a very good job, though. He was hard to get to. I guess so. Not that hard, though. He's in the mountains.

No, not in the mountains. That's why Stalin was so much better. Instead of Stalin relying on other people to taste his food and things like that, he just fucking murdered everybody around him. That's what he really needed to do. That's why Hitler died like a fucking pussy ass in the end. He got shat on by his mistress and shot himself in the face. That's a pretty masculine way to go out.

Did he shoot himself in the face? Source on the Shadon part. shot on by his mistress and shot himself in the face. That's a pretty masculine way to go out. Did he shoot himself in the face? Source on the shot on part. Ben Kissel. I know her great-granddaughter. And if she's anything like her great-granddaughter, she definitely shot on her.

It's a stinky bunch. You know. What great-granddaughter? The great-granddaughter of the gal who shot on a stinky bunch. You know. What great granddaughter? The great granddaughter of the gal who shat on Hitler's chest. Eva Braun. Yeah, you don't even know her fucking name. Yeah, who cares? She's a shit, shit, shit, shit on chest.

Yeah, she's a shitter like that. I don't want it. I mean, that's the thing is sex acts are far grosser than anything you could possibly feed this guy. He really did enjoy getting all that fecal matter all over his body. Hitler did. Anyway, I've never done it. Nonetheless. So did it work?

What happened with Hitler? Did he start to get moodier? Did he enjoy... I don't know what the... They didn't actually get to it. It was just an idea some fucking limey had and they never took much of a pussy to fucking follow through with it. Yeah, it was like the CIA's plan

to give Fidel Castro exploding cigars. God, I love that idea. That's an actual idea? You don't know about that? When did the Three Stooges work for the CIA? That's amazing. This is a real plan that the CIA had. They have this whole dossier

On like assassination plots For Fidel Castro back in the late 50s Early 60s And one of the ones that J. Edgar Hoover seriously considered Was putting explosives in one of his Cubans, Cuban cigars They should know it, all it was going to do was cover his face In soot

And curl up his mustache And just make him that much more angry. Exactly that. Is this terrible music picking up on the podcast, by the way? No, it's not. Okay, thank God. For those that can't. Oh, wait. Is that... That's music. Oh. I thought I heard something,

but I thought it was like something... Hey, James! Turn it down! Turn it down! Turn it down! Jesus Christ. No one is in there. Hey, James, turn it down. Thank you. Jesus Christ. No one is in there. It's a black dude playing with the thing,

and then a white dude's just like, I think this is okay, black dude. And it's like, what sort of situation is going on out there? No, it's bad music. Oh, it was awful. Did they really turn the music down? They listened to you. They should, because no one's out there listening to it.

Jesus Christ. RG, as a Jew, how do you feel about this Hitler situation? Other than obviously you don't like him. Cliche. Yeah, very cliche. I don't know. I'm happy with the job the Inglorious Bastards did. I think they took care of it that way.

Why can't they just... If we're going to teach creationism in schools, we might as well just teach Quentin Tarantino's view of history. Oh, man, I watched that movie with my father, who was a very hardcore police officer. He doesn't like any movie. He has a beard that goes all the way down to his feet. Yeah, to his feet.

No, man, he fucking cheered at the end of that movie. He's like, that's how it should have gone! That's how it should have gone! That's how it should have gone! Yeah, dad! Yeah, mow him down! All that was missing was the poop who had Hitler's chest, and it pretty much could have gone down that way. Should have mowed him down!

God, I can't wait for like 30 years from now, whenever kids watch that movie and they think that it's historical fact. Yeah, like Oliver Stone's JFK. I'm sure there's already some who do, man. Oh, sure. Do you remember that, though, Ben, with the kid, the family that brought their kid to Inglourious Bastards

that you dealt with? Remember that? I don't remember that. What happened? No, yeah, remember there was a, are you serious? There was a kid, there was a family in the theater with you. And then they left? And the little kid, and the little kid was like, what's happening? And the dad was like laughing at him and stuff when he was like watching it. The worst kid situation I can think of is Halloween II.

I go to horror movies at midnight. It's a midnight Halloween II movie, Rob Zombies, which is brutal. You were getting turned on by it. But imagine if you were four. You probably still would have been turned on by it. But it's a Puerto Rican mother. I only say that because that was the best I could deduce. She had three kids. One was two. One was four. because that was the best I could deduce. She had four kids with her, or three kids.

One was like two, one was four, maybe one was like six or seven, just bawling at the end of the movie because it's so brutal. And the mom just kept on being like, don't you know it's a movie? You're so stupid. And it's like, that is so terrifying. Bring your child to a midnight movie of Halloween 2.

Get a babysitter. What is wrong with these people? That's also kind of awesome that she needed to see the movie that much. This is the problem with going to horror movies. The fans are so dumb and stupid and you realize you're one of them and you're just like, oh, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror

of the worst side of my personality. And it's devastating. I mean, I don't know what to do, Jackie. Better than therapy, you know? I mean, just go to a horror movie and just see what you, the beast that you are. Oh my goodness, the worst parenting.

So, RG, what do you think about Hitler? You know, probably could have been a good conversationalist, but... Bad shoes! I wouldn't drag him to a show or nothing. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, those kids are probably going to grow up to be little mini-Hitlers.

I showed Inglourious Bastards to a group of teenagers at my day job, which is out of high school, and now I am worried that they're going to walk around thinking that is what history is. But, I mean, is it better or worse if they think that's the way it goes? That's the question. You know what?

In all honesty, I don't think they're going to be out there running for office or anything like that. They're going to be delivering packages, so let them have a little fun when they're teenagers. They have a better take on history than Michelle Bachman. That's pretty much fine. She's an idiot. Stupid people. I remember even when I was

in high school and there was this girl gorgeous who used to sit behind me and I remember in history class at one point we were talking about World War II and talking about Hitler and she said seriously she says this. She says this. She whispers to me while the teacher is saying it. She's like, but I don't get it.

What was Hitler's plan? What was he trying to do? What did he do? And I was just like, Jesus Christ. I don't know. What is he doing? She just didn't get the whole. You've got to watch Pinky and the Brain.

He's just trying to take over the world. That's the simplest plan of all time. How did you understand that? She was fucking dumb, man. I remember there was this one time we were in the middle of a test. She's like sitting, she always sat behind me, like we had assigned seats, and she farted like loud in the class.

Oh, that's hot. And everybody who looks at me and thinks I did it in the middle of a test, big ass black dude has this beautiful girl behind me. And just fucking, I just hated that whole situation. That was just... I mean, did you call her out for her own fart? I mean, oh man, I was a decent person back then.

So you took it? I took it, man. Oh, never take a fart. She had big titties? Yeah, she had some big old fat titties, man. I wanted to suck on them. Oh, that would have been fun. Yeah, I didn't though. You never get the girl by taking her farts.

Bigger than beautiful Jackie? You got to call her on it. Then she'll respect you. I mean, I was a different man back then, man. I wasn't experiencing the game as I am right now. I didn't have all that Xbox Live back then and shit. I was 15, man. Yeah, what video games were you playing at 15?

Dude, what was happening at 15? I mean, nothing actually in your life. What video games were you playing? I mean, I what was happening at 15? I mean, nothing, like, actually in your life. What video games were you playing? I mean, I think StarCraft was still a big thing at that point. Good God. It just never changes. It's just so sad. Ten years you've been playing StarCraft.

That shit's been around for a while, man. That's longer than you've been doing comedy. 98 has been around. You know, you play sporadically, but that shit's been around for a minute. We're just totally different. I mean, I look like I should have played football, and I did not. And you looked like you should have been cool, and you were not. So you're similar.

Yeah, we're similar in the fact that we disappointed everybody growing up. I mean, at least me. I did. But nonetheless, Kevin, you're a beautiful man. I mean, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit. That's what my coach used to always say. What's a mean thing to say to you, Eddie, as you run your fat ass around the field? All right, Marcus, what's going on in the news, buddy?

Staying in the realm of Nazis. Nazi! Neo-Nazis this time. Oh, I don't like them as much. No, they're sexy, though. No, Neo-Nazis are like American history sex. Yeah. No, no. Curbis are like American history sex. Yeah. No, no.

Curb me, baby. Curb me. Neo-Nazis are like the relaunch of Nightmare on Elm Street. You know, just stick to the original. The second coming is always bad. Always. What is so sexy about them? Is it the bad boy image?

Is that... It's the suspenders. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red shoelaces. That's how they love my mother. The first men prosecuted under a federal hate crime law

have pleaded guilty to carving a swastika in the arm of a retarded Navajo Indian. Lock them up! Lock them up! You're right. I mean, did the Navajo Indian

want the tattoo? He's retarded! I don't know! He doesn't even know what a swastika is! That's the thing. Tell me he has a fucking name on there. Tell me there's a name. Running with scissors too fast. Oh, that's sniffing

glue. His name isn't all that great. Let's see here. His name Vincent Key. That is retarded in the Native American

community, though. But that's the thing. Not only did they use a hot wire to brand a swastika in the dude's arm, they also shaved a swastika into his hair. Not as bad. Wrote KKK and white power on his body with markers and recorded the attack on a cell phone. Oh, that's a good idea.

That's a real good idea. Oh, my God. Give a critique on this. They have a picture of the swastika that was shaved in the back of this Navajo's head. Give me a critique on that. Well, see, the bottom part of the swastika is a little too short. The hook on the bottom, they could

have went a little further with the hook, but otherwise, I'm going to say it's not a bad swastika. Interesting. If you're going to carve a swastika on the back of an Indian's head, this is kind of how you do it. The Nazis didn't even hate the Indians.

These are neo-Nazis. This is the thing about neo-Nazis. Native Americans, that's another hit list. We won that one. That one's over. That was probably the biggest victory in all of human history. That is definitely the biggest genocide this world has ever

seen. I didn't know there was enough of them left for one to be retarded. Well, see, that's the thing. There's so few left, now they're inbreeding. Is that what it is? No, I don't know. Interesting. It sounds about right.

I mean, that is the thing Does anybody have a Native American friend here? I have a half I know one who's a quarter She gets paid Because she was a Seminole And she was getting something like 200 grand a year Just to go to FSU

And just be the mascot Yeah and she was Only a quarter Seminole And I think for Cherokee they pay pay you up to $1.32 if you can... $1.32? What does that mean? I had a friend who was $1.16 and got his way, paid through college. Well, at least until the dumbass failed out for no good reason. Drinking!

Drinking. I mean, that's the thing. Real bad to drink. Real bad. I don't know, man. I got drunk with an elderly Indian fella in Menominee, Wisconsin. Everything in Wisconsin is named after Indians. Chippewa Falls, Sheboygan.

That is not. And he was just... He could drink. But the thing was, he wouldn't do it too well. He would just never fall asleep. He would just drink for 48 hours. I'm talking like pints and pints of whiskey. And just doing terrible things. Pissing everywhere. But he just never fall asleep. He would just drink for 48 hours. I'm talking like pints and pints of whiskey and just doing terrible things,

pissing everywhere, but he just never fell asleep. I couldn't believe it. I've never understood how a human being could not shut down. How do you ever beat them? With guns. Oh, the guns. Was that what it was? The guns, the smallpox. Disease was the main one.

The tricking them. we were real tricksy they were too trustworthy we unleashed a boat of leprechauns the Irish you have to be your friend what we did is we even tricked the Irish we gave a boat of Irish leprosy and that's actually where the name leprechaun came from

oh interesting well that's a where the name Leprechaun came from. Oh, interesting. Well, that's a little roundtable fact. Source. Source. Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson. He's always our source. That's the thing.

I mean, Native Americans have it pretty good, though. They have those sweet casinos. They can get wasted all day. The government stipends. I mean, they're living the dream right now, aren't they? They own the Hard Rock Cafe. They're always jamming and shit. Hell, my parents are planning on building their new house on top of an Indian burial ground.

Thank God. That's a good idea, Parks family. What the fuck is wrong with your parents, man? You moved the stones, but you didn't move the bodies. You gotta move the bodies. Have they never heard of Nightwolf? They're gonna dig them up first. Are you serious?

Well, we're not actually... whether it's an Indian campground or an Indian burial ground. Are there signs made out of wood saying, hey, campground, come on in, whiteys. Or is it a tombstone saying, thank you very much for all the death. I don't know, but we're going to find out what it is soon enough. Oh, my God. Those motherfuckers roll with green axes made out of energy and hate. Yeah, exactly, man. Do you need a pickaxe to get through the ground?

That is terrifying. I hope your family likes wolves, man. We did not beat this guy up, though. I mean, they didn't stab him, right? No, but they fucking burned The swastika on his arm Did you guys have Those dumbasses in high school That used to brand themselves

With lighters and shit And cigars What was the deal with that? Yeah people that would like Put out cigars on their arms And be like Yeah I'm that bad It's like no man

You're fucking stupid You have a circle scar Who gives a shit? In shop class Kids used to always Give themselves tattoos In the middle of shop class And stuff

What were their tattoos of? Swastikas? Just stupid shit. I don't know if I knew a kid with a swastika tattoo. Just dumb ass shit. Tits and shit like that. Oh, a tattoo with tits, man. That'd be pretty awesome.

That's actually not a bad idea. Yeah, I love tits and shit like that. I fucking fart and shit. Sit behind Kevin Barnett. Day to day, just shit you're into. I fart. I love tits. Apparently, she was sitting behind you, so you didn't get the full flow of it.

I couldn't get it, man. I knew this one guy. I worked construction with him whenever I was a kid. One night, he blacked out. He has no idea what happened, but he blacks out and he wakes up in the morning with this huge fucking swastika tattoo on his arm. No way.

Are you serious? What did he do? He doesn't know. All he knows is that he woke up and had a swastika tattooed on his arm. Sounds like these guys got to him. Is he a retarded Indian? Well, not an Indian. I once knew a kid who

literally got jacked just to beat up skinheads. And then he wanted to get a swastika tattoo on his chest, but with a line through it, like an anti-swastika tattoo. But you know what it looks like? It looks like he got a swastika tattoo and then had a change of heart. Well, you see, what happened was he didn't have enough money to finish the tattoo. Oh, no.

And so he literally had to walk around for a month with a swastika on his chest. So he didn't take his shirt off in public. No, I doubt it. He told me about it. I was like, you fucking idiot. But even so, why get the swastika? Everyone's against Nazis. I'm not for genocide. Of course! That's not something you have to say in a job interview.

That's just a given. You are not for genocide until proven otherwise. Until you vocally come out and approve of it. My friend, you are not for genocide until proven otherwise. Until you vocally come out and approve of it. My friend used to have an American History X poster with Edward Norton on in our dorm room. And it's him with the swastika

and all those crazy tats. And the message of the movie is good, of course, but nonetheless, you still just have a white skinhead poster with the swastika, and it did not help with the ladies. Not many. It certainly didn't help when I brought that Asian gal home. She did not understand that that was a good film.

Asians have nothing to do with it, though. They have everything to do with it. They have everything to do with it. They were helping them out. She should have loved it. That's a good point. Well, I should have told her that. Either way, we had sex on the bathroom floor. Hey, how are ya? Didn't bother her too much.

Is that where the poster was, in the bathroom? No, no. This is your apartment? You had sex in the bathroom floor. Hey, how are ya? I'm not gonna bother her too much. No, no, no. Is that where the poster was? In the bathroom? No, no. This is your apartment? You had sex in the bathroom? You have a bed next to the bathroom. Well, wouldn't you believe it? She was a kinky broad. She really enjoyed a whole series of wild things and then I went upstairs

and I said, I had sex in the bathroom! And then she got all mad at me and it was a big disaster. Did she shit on you me. It was a big disaster. Nope. It wasn't that good. Nonetheless, it was pretty fun. RG, how would you feel? When you see the swastika,

how does that make you feel? I'm so indifferent. It's ingrained in history so much that it has no bearing on me one way or the other. I wonder what the brain reacts more to. This would be a good experiment. People looking at the swastika or hearing the N-word. I wonder which one conjures

that more bizarre feeling. I want to go N-word. In this day and age, maybe like, I don't know, 40 years ago, swastika? Maybe. They got so destroyed. It all depends on who you're polling here.

I will say this. The only time that I think I'd feel comfortable seeing a swastika though is if I were in prison. Why is that? I don't know because... You know who's dick to suck? Immediately? I feel like the lines are clearly divided there and I don't know that I'd be accepted

on the other team. That's a good point. I always like seeing swast clearly divided there, and I don't know that I'd be accepted on the other team. That's a good point. I always like seeing swastikas in Indiana Jones movies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, melting off somebody's face. That's pretty cool. At the bodega, though, I don't know. Yeah, the bodega, it's a tough place to see a swastika.

Yeah. But it's weird that the N-word is more of an offense, because you can say nigger in a friendly way, but you can't put a swastika on someone. Yeah, you can't brand a dude with a swastika nicely. It's because we're friends. I don't think so. You my Nazi, motherfucker.

You my Nazi. You my Nazi. The other N-word. Yeah, the other N-word. Episode title. You my Nazi. You my Nazi. You my Nazi. Episode title. You monotzy. You monotzy. You monotzy.

Alright. What's this idiot kid up to? Oh, this idiot kid's dead. Oh, that's too bad. He should have been smarter. A Louisiana man decapitated his seven-year-old disabled son with a meat cleaver. Oh my God, just don't be disabled or retarded.

That's the lesson of today. Because he was sick of taking care of him and wanted to make his wife quote feel stupid. He wanted to make his wife feel stupid

and so he cut his son's head off with a meat cleaver. Bludgeoned, decapitated and dismembered. Yeah, that's a tough one. You could just suffocate a child. Just suffocate it. If you're going to kill it

don't chop his head off with a meat cleaver. I'm sympathetic of you, Ed. The only way to make her feel stupid is if she was like, I bet you can't cut off a son's head with a meat cleaver. Yeah, that's the thing. There was a dare. You can't even cut his head off with a meat cleaver, can you, Harold? I've been working my biceps.

I did this. You ain't got no job, Harold. You can't cut his head off with a meat cleaver. He does take a lot of force to cut off someone's head. Not a retarded seven-year-old. I don't know, man. They're wily. They're quick.

This one had cerebral palsy and was in a wheelchair. He was easy prey. Basically, you just put a pile of candy on the table and then you're fine. Yeah, I guess it's sort of like a chicken situation. You tell him the cleaver's the candy, he'll do it himself. Oh my goodness. This is out of Thibodeau, Louisiana. Thibodeau, nothing good there.

Nothing. No way. This guy, his father, the kid's name was Jory Lorette. Oh, come on. Just give the kid a normal name. What's his name? Jory. Jte. Oh, come on. Just give the kid a normal name. What's his name? Jory. J-O-R-Y.

I. I. Ah! I mean, what came first, the retardation or the name? Or did they just call it in the womb? All right. His father, 30-year-old Jeremiah Lee Wright. Jeremiah Wright.

No way! Yeah. Obama's in his church. Unbelievable. What are the odds? He left the little boy's head along the side of the road where his mother would see him and Wright told police he wanted her to feel stupid when she saw the head. What the fuck?

I just don't understand. I just don't get it. How does he know the route that the wife is taking home that day? What if the wife stops at Quick Trip and decides to take I-95 instead of 339? It could be totally gag gone wrong. You take a second pass at it. I don't know. Go back, pick up the head, but you can't work from behind.

No, no, no. You go back, you pick up the head, and he's like, Hey, sweetheart, go out and grab me some Butterfingers. Yeah, then you put a bucket of water on top of the door, and the water falls on her, and then she feels stupid. Yeah. That would be the proper way to make her feel dumb. That's true. Not like, oh, my only child.

Don't I feel stupid. He did all that in addition to that. He also did the bucket of water. And he throws tar at some feathers. Oh, gotcha, bitch. I mean, yeah, what's his legal defense going to be? It was a practical joke. I was just joking around. Oh, my God.

Poor bastard. An elaborate prank. Oh, my God. And the thing is, there's like a friend of this guy, this guy, Jeremiah Wright. The friend said there was friction between the couple because Lorette left Wright to take care of Jory most of the time. This is the friend. She'd take off and totally expect Jerry to do everything.

Just be a father? Just be a father. Yeah. It's one of those guys, like, you know, she just left him alone with him, so I can kind of see it. I will say, though, having a handicapped kid, that is a huge pain in the ass.

I wouldn't want one. It's definitely not as good as not having a handicapped kid. You just give it away if you don't want it. Can you do that, though, having a handicapped kid, that is a huge pain in the ass. I wouldn't want one. It's definitely not as good as not having a handicapped kid. You just give it away if you don't want it. Can you do that, though? Yes! You can't sell kids, Jackie. You don't sell it. And who's buying a retarded kid?

If you're buying a kid, it's going to be a normal kid. Yeah, exactly. It's if I even buy a kid. Who's in the market for buying kids? If I'm out there buying a car, I want the nice new Corvette. I don't want the dented up Chevy Sedan. I just think their organs are still valuable. Yeah, and their blood gives you power.

What is this, Columbia? You drink the blood. That's true. If you have some of their blood, it gives you weird awesome hats. I feel like that should be allowed. Can you just like, I don't want this. Use it for its parts. No.

I understand that it's a person. I don't want this. Use it for its parts. I understand that it's a person. I don't think you do. I think the organs could help people that aren't handicapped. That could be doctors. Oh, here comes speaking of Hitler. Yeah, no doubt.

You're talking straight eugenics right here. Andrew Brown would just be so proud of you. You could be Hitler's piece of ass on the side. You think so? You could have been. You gotta get some blonder hair, though. That's for damn sure.

That's true. Blonde bitches. That's right, you're Polish. He didn't like those people that much. What, he didn't like the Polish people? Yeah, because they put screen doors in their submarines. Idiots. That is hilarious, Holden.

I've heard that joke my entire life. Why does a Polish submarine sink? They put screen doors in their windows. How long did it take before you got it, though? Oh, a long time. I just thought it was a fact. I was like, oh, they shouldn't have done that. That's ridiculous. My favorite Polish joke when I was a kid

is like, in 1960, it was in 1919, the Polish invented the toilet. 1920, the English That's ridiculous My favorite Polish joke when I was a kid It was like in 1916 No it was in 1919 the Polish invented the toilet 1920 the English cut a hole in it He had a whole series of things RJ you know any good Polish jokes? You know just the stock ones Knock knock Who's there?

Polish burglar Very good I mean that's it That good. That's it. That's gold. What did Jesus say to the Polacks when he was on the cross? Play it dumb until I get back. Nice!

I love it. That's funny, man. With black people, there's no Polish jokes. You just hate all white people. What did the white devil say to the fucking Jew? We're not as good as the blacks.

It's not even a joke. That's a good joke. I've literally never heard any of those. Polish jokes? They're all stupid, man. How many polls did it take to screw a light bulb? I was those. They're all stupid, man. They're just... Yeah, there's a light bulb. How many poles does it take

to screw in a light bulb? I was trying to think of what joke that was. But what's the punchline of that one? Yeah, well, I mean, I can look at it. I mean, there's a million

punchlines for it, probably. I can do my... Well, never mind. What's that? No, my dad said I celebrated a Polish birthday this year because I did it the day before my birthday.

Because you're an idiot. Because I'm an idiot. I like that. I mean, these are good jokes. Yeah, for sure. I mean, there's Because I'm an idiot. I like that. I mean, these are good jokes. Yeah, for sure. I mean, the Germans don't really have jokes like that. Here we go.

How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? How many? Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to turn the ladder. A great joke once again. Idiots. They're idiots. Thank you, Polish people. That is the proof.

That is the proof. They're so stupid. So stupid. Exhib. They're idiots. Thank you, Polish people. That is the proof. That is the proof. They're so stupid. So stupid. Exhibit A, sir. I feel like any of these jokes could be easily applied to Haitians. The only difference is except for the submarines because they don't got those.

No, no. Too dumb to have them. That's the thing. It's a Haitian submarine. Bunch of Haitians. Holding on to a rock. It's a Haitian submarine. A bunch of Haitians drowning. A bunch of Haitians

whose raft has turned over and they're all just stuck underneath. What kind of noises do Haitians make? Oh my god. I thought they made dinosaur noises. Yeah, it's a lot of screeching and stuff. Jurassic Park is in Haitian, actually. It's nice to be in a room with nobody who can run for public office.

Yeah! We've done it, guys. We've really pigeon-tolled ourselves. Oh, man. I love it so much. Yeah, Polish jokes in Wisconsin are all over the place, man. I love it so much. Yeah, Polish jokes in Wisconsin are all over the place, man. Wonderful group of people

to make fun of. Nice loving bunch. Drinkers, man. Great. I'll tell you what, man. Once those women get older, once they get a little bit older, yeah, 35,

Polacks just turn mean, man. After like 18, I'm telling you, they turn. They're like potatoes, which is kind of ironic They start to get spuds On their face

They sprout I ain't got no spuds On my face What are you talking about You got the Italian in you Yeah the Italian's like Slowly balancing it out But you're gonna be

You're gonna be going soon You're gonna be hideous around My mom still looks great She's gonna be 60 this year Your mom looks fucking amazing. Tittays for days. Unreal. Either way, we won't discuss it too much. That is rude.

Marcus, any stories, buddy? Oh, police raiding a suspected meth lab 70 miles east of Los Angeles found the drugs and guns they were expecting plus a surprise two dozen stolen granite tombstones. Wow. So the guns they were expecting were just squirt guns, right? For the meth heads to just squirt each other

with and, you know, stop from sweating. Why were they, so what were they doing with the tombstones? There are no monetary value to the tombstones. You can't sell a tombstone. It's the same reason you can't sign a, uh... You can't sell a used tombstone. No, and if Dwight Yoakam, you know, signs an autograph for Ben Kissel,

it's worth much less than, imagine, a tombstone. It's a similar thing. If it's got a name already on it. Can you buff down a tombstone, though, and re-go over it? Yeah. RG, you seem to have a thought on this one. Why are we trying to explain meth head logic? No, it's literally like we've been up for eight days.

Let's go steal some tombstones. Yeah, yeah, that's it. I know, yeah. I had a friend who was saying when he was living in Philly, the house across the street was a known meth house. And they were just hanging out drinking. It was real late at night. It was like three in the morning.

And all of a sudden, all the people in the house ran out of the house with all this gardening equipment and mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges for exactly 15 minutes. They just went to town on the lawn. They just went crazy. And then just all ran back in at like 3 in the morning. Everybody was losing it, laughing their asses off. I would probably hire them if I was wealthy enough to have a yard.

Meth head cleaners and groomers. Always hire a meth head. That's what my father always told me. Always hire a meth head. If you have a whole series of papers that just need to be stamped, just get a meth man to do it. The fastest stampers you'll ever meet. They're so good.

If they're in the graveyard, though, why aren't they just digging up the bodies? I don't know. Were there any bodies found? They moved the headstones. Well, here is one thing. I'll tell you one thing, Parks. Your parents got to get these people to move all the headstones out of that Indian burial ground you're putting your house on.

It's like a nightmare, dude. Your parents are going to die. It's so bad. Can't wait to hear the story of your parents' death. It's a bad idea, Parkses. I think it's a great idea. You just don't have a couple of friends when you go home. Tell me an old man didn't warn you first.

No old man have warned us. In fact, all... Don't do it. I wouldn't do it. Don't bury it in a struggle, boss. Booger. What are you saying? We don't know what you're saying.

Scum on the street. Come again? Texas is fucking weird. Texas is insanely bizarre. Oh, God. You should have been there. Oh, God, you should have been there. Oh, my. And that's what the woman does to get the Haitian man.

Jackie, you would love Haiti, by the way. If you ever go there, you're going to defend the hell out of that place. What are you talking about, man? I've been to Haiti. You're going to be all grabbing on me? Yeah. And be screeching at me? Yeah, that's the thing you like.

Yeah, but I'd rather have that in New York. I'd rather find a Haitian in New York so I can step on his face. Right, Barnett? Well, you're getting a little bit too racist. I don't really care about it. I don't care. I'm trying to back you up. You said some Nazi stuff today, Jackie.

You gotta understand, this comes from two islands fighting. It doesn't have that much to do with you. It's sad, Jackie. I don't really care about Haitians at all. I love Haitians. I have no problem with them whatsoever. I actually love Haitians. They're a lot of fun. I don't know if I've ever met a Haitian before. Oh, really? You're fucking from Florida.

No, you met Jerome Fowler? Yeah. Yeah, he's Haitian. Oh, so I met one. Damien Lemon. I like... Oh, I like that. Damien Lemon's Haitian.

You're wrong, man. The thing is, most of the Haitians I know personally are good people. There's a lot of good Haitians. So why are you hating so much? So why are you screeching? It's the half-steppers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rest of them.

The half-steppers. The others. I just want to go down... You know the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, Damien, you're one of the good ones. Yeah, yeah. But then the rest of them, I just want to go down. You know the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, Damien, you're one of the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then the rest of them, you see them walk around.

You know, I'm not even going to go into it, but you see the other ones squawking around in basketball courts with their paper shoes. I once knew this girl who was dating... Paper shoes is hilarious. Anyway, so I once knew this girl who was dating one of my cousins, and her father lived in Haiti. They were like the only Jewish family

in Haiti, and his father fired his groundskeeper, and the groundskeeper fucking chopped his head off with a machete. No way! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta love the Haitians! That is awesome! There would be no unemployment in this country

if everybody just chopped the head off of the boss to fire them. We gotta keep them on. I don't have any money, but I just don't want to lose my head. Man, I wonder if he did it by himself. Do you think he did it by himself? Of course he did it by himself! And he used a better weapon than the fellow who chopped off the head of his retarded son.

I just can't imagine beheading someone by yourself. I just feel like doesn't that take a lot? What, you need support? I just feel like it takes a lot of strength to really behead someone. Especially with a machete, man. That's old school. If I'm going to behead someone, I'm going to do it by myself just so there's no witnesses. Well, yeah, of course.

But imagine having to hold somebody down Like hack and hack You can't just start Hacking No you knock them out first And then you lay them down And then you hack At your own convenience Myself I'd use an axe

Oh Interesting I think I'd use a machete An axe I think machete Would be the best way It's just so old school man Yeah you just go right

At them with the machete You're gonna hold nothing down And just go right for the head The thing is The axe has weight behind it Yeah the axe can do it clean Yeah the axe can do it Real clean Machete just axe can do it real clean. The machete just seems so much more violent. It just seems so...

A lot more fun. You're making it personal, Eddie. Absolutely. No, but the machete, I think the machete would work better, too. It's a bigger blade, and I think it would break the neck immediately, and I think it would just sort of, like, go through after, like, three or four. You could probably take a head off with an axe in one swipe.

Machete, probably take, like like five, six swipes. That's why Jason is the best. The axe has like a good fulcrum, you know? It can get like a lot of pressure. Why do you think Lizzie Borden used it? Oh, man. I was in love with her whenever I was a kid. Archie, if you were a horror movie guy, if you were Freddy Krueger, what do you want?

Do you want the claws? Do you want the machete? Or do you want the chainsaw? Or the axe? I don't know. Is there any horror icons that use an axe? My Bloody Valentine. No, that's a pickaxe. Jason, he uses an axe sparingly. A few times.

And a bow and arrow. The man is very talented. Machete versus axe. I take machete because axe, first of all, is probably too heavy for me. And you've got to be really accurate. You do because you might just hit him with the wood part Yeah, exactly And I'd probably fly backwards when I swung it back

So I'd go machete But machete versus chainsaw Hands down, chainsaw But the chainsaw might run out of juice And it's so loud And then what are you going to do? Just throw it at him? And really, I think you've got to get in there

If I nicked you with a chainsaw I think you've got a moment to move away Yeah, yeah, yeah The chainsaw is a lot slower too, I think You've got to be real careful Yeah, if someone can start cutting you with a chainsaw, I think you've got a moment to move away. Yeah. The chainsaw is much slower, too, I think. You've got to be real careful. Yeah, if someone can start cutting you with a chainsaw, you can kick them off of you. But the machete, you're just cutting an arm off. Yeah, let's all remember the

lessons of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The only person who got a full-on chainsaw, that would be Franklin, the invalid who was in a wheelchair. That's a good point. Everyone else just got nicks, cuts, things here and there. And, of course, Leatherface cut his own leg. It's a dangerous weapon to run around with. And it didn't even go in a wheelchair. That's a good point. Everyone else just got nicks, cuts, things here and there. And of course, Leatherface cut his own leg. It's a dangerous weapon to run around with. And it didn't even go in that deep.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. He got hit by a truck, though. But I would say... No, he didn't get hit by the truck. No, no one got hit by a truck. No, no, no. The hitchhiker.

The brother. He gets hit by the truck. Yeah, he's in it. How you doing, Jackie? Sorry, I'm sneezing up a storm. Oh, you sound good. A little sneeze storm over here. Not bad.

It's probably what caused the earthquake earlier today in New York City. Were you sneezing earlier around 1.30 in the afternoon? No. Oh, my goodness. You're so erotic right now and hot with those big old bazombos. Speaking of big old bazombos, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. He's got bazombos, too. He does.ombos, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. He's got bazombos too! He does. This segment's called

Smokeweed Fuck Bitches. Back of his neck. It's like the newlywed game, but it's for the round table. So I'm going to pass out these sheets of paper. I got a sheet of paper. I'll go one by one. So we'll explain this as we go. I've already explained to people. Kevin, don't be too worried because I know I haven't explained to you yet.

Alright, so essentially what we're going to be doing here is we're going to start with Ed and Jackie. Now, I'm going to ask a question about Jackie. She's going to write it down while you think about it. All right. And then you're going to give your best guess to answer, and hopefully it's the same thing as what's on her paper. RG, you got it. We'll keep score.

Yeah, RG will be in the final round. There's a final lightning round, no matter what. Okay, so Eddie, what does Jackie like to do to wind down at night? What does Jackie... A glass of wine? Some classical music?

Does she like to dress up in a nice suit and go out in the town with a mustache and meet women of intrigue? Does she like to bake more pies after she's spent the day at a pie shop? What does Jackie do

to wind down at night? Are you ready, Jackie? Can I say it yet? Jackie's ready. I'm going to say, tall boy, bowl of weed, get fucked by Doug. Okay, what's Jackie? What'd you write down? I wrote, masturbate, drink a tall boy.

That's a half point. Right. Good. That's a half point. You got part of it. Ready? Nice. Half point.

I love masturbates and a fuck Doug. I'll tell you what. I would have gotten masturbate. Three quarters of a point. three quarters of a point. Three quarters of a point. Okay. For J and D. All right.

Now, Kevin and Ben. I'm going to ask the question to Ben. He's going to write it down. Kevin, you think about it. What part of the female body is Ben most aroused by? Is it her brain? Is it the cleft of her chin? Is it her toes?

What part of the body is Ben most aroused by? All right, Benny, ready? Don't look over. He's being really obvious with his writing. Okay. You ready? All right, Kevin? I got to go with how he would say it, the old bazoomba.

Oh, half right. Big bazongos. Big bazongos. Yeah. Bazoombas, bazongos, they're all tits to me. That's a point. That's a point. That's a point.

That's too good. All right. That's a lot of synergy right there. Oh, man. That was so easy, though. I know. I know. Well, this is a challenge. It's, you know though I know I know It's a challenge

I don't know what to say I'm blocking Jackie's vision of my writing Another one of these? Kevin will For Ed What's the first thing Ed does when he wakes up in the morning? What is the first thing Ed Larson does? Probably the exact same thing Jackie does to Anwar

That's the thing. I don't know which is first. I'm going to say masturbate. It's got to be masturbate. Masturbate. All right, Eddie, what did you write down? Smoke weed. That's true.

I've seen it. It's true. It's true. Eddie smokes so much weed. It's unbelievable. I'm sorry, Ed. Haystacks over here. All right.

Ben Kissel. I'm going, Ed. Haystacks over here. Alright. Ben Kissel. I'm going to ask a question to Kevin now. Kevin, what does... What nationality of lady does Kevin most like to smash? See, that's easy. These are easy questions for the Jordanian.

Yeah. I know what it is. Is it black? Is it white? Is it Asian? I don't think it's Asian. Is it black? Is it white? Is it Asian? I don't think it's Asian. Is it Indian? Is it Haitian? Who knows? Maybe he loves to hate. No, I mean...

You can't just say black or white because you said nationality. Nationality, so it's got to be Hindu or Christian. No. It's a slew of religions. Are you ready, KB? I'm going to go with Hindu or Christian. I would say that... Are you ready, KB? I'm going to go with

Catholic whites. Kevin, what did you do with? I wrote them Cubans, nigga. What? Cubans? We're talking about Cubans. Yeah, but you never had sex with them. Alright, this is our final round. I'm tired of white girls, man.'ve never had sex with him. All right. This is the final round. I'm tired of white girls, man.

What? I got a piece of paper. It's a question for, about Marcus. Question about Marcus. Everybody got their paper? I got a piece of paper. Oh, yeah, you have to write it down. Never mind.

We have to guess it. Yeah, never mind. You write it. Well, we all write it. Fuck it. Well, how do we know? I mean... I want this one to go on longer.

I love this game. I know, right? We'll do it again soon. Never mind. I'm sorry. to go on longer. I love this game. I know, right? We'll do it again soon. Never mind. I'm sorry. Marcus writes it down. What is Marcus's favorite sexual position? The same as Ava Brown's inhalers.

What is Marcus's favorite sexual position? Think about it. Do we wait to the end? We don't have to write anything down. Did we find out? Yeah, we're all going to go around. Marcus, have you written it down? No.

I'm spoiled for choice here. Yeah, we're all going to go around. Marcus, have you written it down? No. All right. Spoiled for choice here. Yeah. The more specific, the better. What if I only know three? That's the thing. It's missionary, doggy style. Can't we just say what it is?

What it is, yeah. So it can be more specific the better, Marcus. More specific the better. I'm going to go with... I'll start. Standing up with her up against the wall. That's a pretty good one. That's not fair.

They're all good ones, Marcus. And it's okay. Well, that's the thing. Every time someone says something, there's a memory that comes up It's okay to guess the same as someone else You can still win the game If you're depending on what you guess

Okay Alright RG RG You got anything? What are you saying? I wrote Missionary while thinking of an ex

Very good guess Very good Very good guess Kevin I imagine you'd probably be a fan of wheelbarrowing Right you That's me It's like this Very good guess. I imagine you'd probably be a fan of wheelbarrowing. That's me. I'm going to say doggy style

black chick butthole. Done it. Not my favorite though. So you lose, Ben. D.B.B. Ben loses. I actually remember the teary phone call we had afterwards. I should have remembered.

I'm going to say girl tied up rape victim daddy type. Did that. It was a little weird. I enjoyed it a little. You enjoyed it. It was weird.

Ed Larson, what's your guess? I'm going to go Bondage Swing. Those are fun. Have you literally had sex all these ways? I love it. No one said backwards cowgirl or anything like that. So, Marcus, what have we got? My favorite would probably be, it kind of

changes here and there, I do love a 69. I do love that one. I do love a 69. But I think possibly just being like, laying back, girl on top, face me, letting the tits hang in my face. Girl on top! I'm kind of lazy sometimes. Everybody loses!

That's everyone! We thought you were so much more nasty and gross and awful. Yeah, that's everyone. We thought you were so much more... Nasty and gross and awful. Hey, what can I say? I go for the classics. Marcus wins. I really thought it was going to be a rape thing.

Everybody likes titties in the face. He doesn't like titties in the face. Backwards cowgirl is always fun, but like, ah, but where's the tits? The tits in the face meant the game. I'm not big on the girl on top. I need to have control. Well, see, that's the thing. You can have control. That's what I do. Like, that's what I do. You get the girl on top. I need to have control. You can have control.

That's what I do. You get the butt going up. You get it at a really good angle. Yeah, and it's just going... Yeah, man. You just drill your driller. Drill the drill end. Gotta get out of this room.

Do some deep water drilling. Deep water drilling. It's been another segment of Smokeweed Fuck Bitches. Well, that's the show. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holder McNilley, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you, RG Daniels for being in the chuckle. You're amazing.

Marcus Parks. That's the whole thing. Good job, everybody. Be sure to go to CaveComedyRadio.com. That's right, Cave Comedy Radio. By the way, you, and be sure to go to cavecomedyradio.com. That's right, Cave Comedy Radio. By the way, you won't be able to listen to this podcast. You will. And you know what?

Stick a deer head on it. Stick a deer head on it. Eat a potato. Yeah, man. Put a potato in it. Talk to you next week. I'm looking forward to it. Kind of fun. Hell yeah.

There we go. Good game, Holman. Good stuff, guys. I can't believe I didn't say smoke weed.