The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 61: Popsicle Stick

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Tune in this week to hear Jackie's disgusting new green goop use for them, plus from the news: hot sauce punishment, a Marine throws his son overboard, and Americans are fat as fuck and getting fatter. Almost as fat as the Round Table, but not quite.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table!

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I'm having my blood clots go into my brain. I have a blood clot going in my brain. I've been with this fucking blood clot for like two hours. You got a blood clot? Dear God! Where? In my brain.

I gotta pray to you today not for Ben's blood clots, but for Ben's blood clots. I just hope that they treat him right, that they clog him up the way they should clog him up. He's gonna kill me, Jackie. And thank you, God, I went to the blood clot doctor,

told me it didn't got no blood clots, which means I'll be smoking till I die. Thank you, God, for no blood clots. I got a valve problem, but don't you worry about that. Other than that, God, I ain't got fuckin' fucking nothing to pray about.

You fucking hurricaned our ass, and I had a great time. Everybody here had a great fucking time. Thank you for the hurricane. Thank you for the hurricane. Thank you, God. It was a fucking staycation for fucking 2011. A staycation? It was a staycation.

Thank you, God, for our staycation 2011. Yeah, fuck yeah Go God Yeah Welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody Who are the gentlemen on this round table? Jackie Zabrowski, blood clot Blood clot

Send him to my brain Hold it McNeely Sitting in for Kevin Barnett is TV's Henry Zebrowski Hello You might recognize him from Television That is the thing that is

Oh you've seen it In your living room In your kitchen In your bedroom In your bathroom It's the picture box It's the big picture box It tells you what to think

What to do Think Henry is funny What show is he on? The one that got cancelled. Oh, that one that never made it to air. Speaking of big time celebrities, Maurice himself, the one, the only, Yanis Pappas.

Hello. Hello, Yanis. Thanks for being here, buddy. Thanks for having me. Is this the first time you've been here, Yanis? This is the first time, yeah. This is one of the biggest stars we've ever had. Giannis Pappas. Welcome.

You can watch him on YouTube and in whole ditch films as well. All right. I'm Ben Kissel with, as always, the newsman Marcus Parks wearing the gayest of all headphones. What is wrong with that? You're really gay. Did LeBron James just come out with a pair of headphones? Those look awful. They were bought for me as a gift.

You look like Rick James. They sound wonderful, though. You look really bad, though. I do appreciate that they're white. They're super white. They look like if we were in that Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson video jam. Scream? Scream, yes.

Go with it! Go with it! Yeah. It looks like they were spray painted with cum. That's probably true. Who was the young naked troll boy that gave them to you? Oh man, we're roasting the headphones tonight. We're taking them down.

They look like a ghost headphones. I prefer them to be ghost headphones. Whoever gave them to him is crying right now, too, which is so upsetting. Pat Dixon gave it to him, so that is it. That's true. Pat Dixon gave him the headphones. Pat Dixon gave you gifts? No, no, Rebecca Trent.

Oh, Rebecca did. I love those headphones. Beautiful headphones. They're really good headphones. In fact, she bought a pair for all of us. Well, that's fantastic. Where are our headphones? Where are my headphones?

I haven't figured that out yet. Jackie's just going to put them in her pussy right away. Put them in your pussy. Then they'll be covered in green goo. Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Just so the dead baby can hear it. Put them in your pussy with the dead baby. It's the white headphones worn by Marcus Parks.

Marcus Parks is on the program giving us the news. What's up, buddy? By 2030, half of the U.S. will be obese. Yeah. As I've always said before. Welcome to the other side, you fuckers. Idiots. If you didn't think it before, you'll think it now.

The roundtable of gentlemen 20 years ahead of the future. Look at us. The same percentage of the roundtable that is fat will match the country. Yeah. Henry and I were actually talking about this earlier, that the people that we knew in college that were thin are now fat, and they look bad. But Henry and I have always been fat and we still look great.

That's probably a conversation that could have only gone that way with just you two. Because I'm fairly certain there's a third party thinking, well, at least they had some good looking times. The thin kids in high school, that is. All right. That's unbelievable. I feel fucking great about it. Catch up, world. You'll have a great time when you're unbelievable. I feel fucking great about it. Catch up, world!

You'll have a great time when you're fat. Do whatever the fuck you want. As long as your face is still pretty, then you're fine. But if you're ugly, you're gonna be ugly whether you're thin or you're fat. You can't be a big girl and not... As long as you have a pretty face and nice boobs,

then you're fine. Nothing's worse than a big girl with tiny, tiny titties. The Monique factor. That's an abomination of God, man. You fucking take that fat and you suck them into your tits. Get a corset, figure it fucking out. That's the best part of it being fat.

It's like kegels, but for your tits. No, man. Just fucking tape the middle section of your body up and shove it up. You're like the reverse of Boys Don't Cry. I'm saying if you're fat, your tits should be huge. All you gotta do is defang a couple of snakes, attach them to the fucking nips, and you're good. Or, you know, if you have no bosoms and you're very fat, you might be able to get away with it if you have an outie navel.

Because that's kind of just a big titty. There are no fat girls that have outie navels. Have you ever met one? Possible. No. I mean, I've never been with a fat girl who had one, but God knows I've only been with the sample size of 15. That would be absolutely disgusting. It reminds me, it's like, which one is the clit? The belly button or the clit?

The clit's the thing above the vagina, not in the navel. Yeah, but if you had an outie belly button, it's like, what do you flick? The thing is, is, what if it turns out you can manipulate it and it feels amazing to just play with an Audi belly button? You could practice on the belly button and then go down for the real thing.

It'll be like, what's that one Seinfeld character? Some warm-up reps. Do you think that'll be good? I don't know. George Costanza? Yeah, it's like George Costanza's tale in that movie Shallow Hell. Do you think that'll be good? Newman I don't know George Costanza? Yeah it's like George Costanza's tail In that movie

Shallow Hell Do you remember that? Are you talking about Like a vestigal tail? A vestigal tail But a vestigal navel And really get it Gone all over the place

Vestigial That'd be fucking great Vestigal I'm not I'm not a scientist Okay Giannis You just recently

Got successful So I would assume That you've had Some larger gals Before Before this Scientist. Okay. Giannis, you just recently got successful. So I would assume that you've had some larger gals before. Yeah, yeah. And how was it? Which ones do you like the best? Awesome. They're best, right? Amazing.

I was with like a, maybe she was about 250 and she was a squirter. It was unbelievable. Yeah. And Dustin Chafin and Nate Bargatze, Rich Aronovich, all had a house together. It was the most disgusting house. You couldn't see the floor. So me and Nate, early on in our friendship. Just like that fat woman.

Yeah. She couldn't see the floor either. So anyway, I hooked up with her and she squirted all over Rich Aronovich's bed. So that was... That's great. I do think the term hook up is the most appropriate when you get with a fat chick. Because you kind of get them like you would a carp or a large ocean creature. You hook them.

You reel them into your boat, a.k.a. a bed. Club them in the head. They love it. She's got a pretty face. I think it's game on. It's great. Ugly is ugly whether you're fat or skinny. I would take a fat chick over one of those disgusting white chicks that look like birds.

It's all over the place in the Midwest. Put a little beef on those girls. I like them big if they smell good. Girls just have to smell good. And that's really the main thing, and have a pretty face. Have you met girls that don't smell good? Absolutely. They're always lesbians in my opinion.

Jackie, those are just the ones that you have sex with because you are a woman. Yes, but I'm sure that we've double dipped in a similar batch. And I'll tell you, you

get a girl home after like a 4 a.m. dance concert, you know, whatever. A dance concert. You know a dance concert. You go to a concert,

you dance. It's like when you go to see ska bands and you dress up with your suit, you jitterbug and all that suit. Yeah, with your chain wallet. Your jitterbug and all that stuff. The jitterbug makes the crotch smell like a goddamn shrimp. I am telling you, it's nasty.

I don't think that we dipped from the same pool at all. Why? Because I think I probably had a much better grasp of better looking women than you could have. You think that you have been with better looking women than I have? Yes. Okay. I agree with her. How do you know? I'm just going to take a stab in the dark and say yeah.

I highly doubt it. All taught. Taught? You deal with muscle women? No, not muscle women. Just taught. Smart. Smart? Who cares? I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

You're smart right in there. Giannis, how smart was this woman? They were all bartenders, right? They're all bartenders. Oh, my God. Well, they smell the worst. No. They're always on their feet, surrounded by scum,

beers all over the place. Yeah, bartenders smell the worst. I don't have to realize the kind of bar that Ben frequents. I mean, we're talking about fucking lizard women. What kind of bars does Jackie frequent? Oh, only the highest class. Everyone has feathers and plumes and all shit like that going on. Jackie only goes to bars that she could potentially work at.

And I have heard around the windmill that Jackie smells a little bit like Henry. And I know for a fact that Henry smells pretty good. You're not that bad. That's what I'm saying. Henry and I both shower like two times a day. Because you're fat and you sweat. But it's not because you're clean. It's not like, oh, I pretty good. You're not that bad. That's what I'm saying. Henry and I both shower like two times a day. Because you're fat and you sweat. But it's not because you're clean. It's not like,

oh, I feel good. I want to go take another shower. It's because you feel underneath your bosom and you're like, oh, potato chip and then sweat. And then you're like,

I better take another shower. But, oh, I can't do this with you. It's like, did you see the world's fattest man? He's a Mexican fella. He showers like eight times a day. Are you telling me he's clean?

Yes! No, he's clean? Yes! No, he's not! I'm a Mexican showers eight times a day. It's to avoid sores. Half the time you shower, Henry, is to avoid skin sores. No, I do it so I can reapply powders and get dry again. Giannis, how many times do you... Powders.

Various scented powders that I use on my body. Just crushed up lizard bones. I've been using stuff from a place called Lush. I went and I got upsold real hard by two hot girls. Two hot girls who work there. So what we're going to do with this powder? I'm just like,

I buy so many powders. I was such a mark when I walked in there because I walk in and I was just like, I'm just there by myself and they're walking by and she's like, Do you need any help? And I was like, I'm looking for a type of powder that's going to make me feel better in the summertime. You've got to go to Brooklyn, go to a dark alley. I know a guy who sells it.

It's called blow. It's called a heavy dose of cocaine. Giannis, you dress up as Marisa, which is a fantastic character. Do you ever have any powders? Do you really get into it and sense yourself? Or do you just go ball stinky? Go ball stinky. But this is a fact.

Since the character's inception, I have not cleaned her outfit. So the shirt actually reeks. That's great. So when everyone's like, oh man, you're a super faggot for dressing up like a chick, you're like, come here and smell this stinky fucking football jersey. That shirt needs to be washed.

It does. I have never washed a single one of my costumes ever. You don't, right? No. There's no reason to. No, I've never washed mine. I haven't washed

my cowman wife beater in over a year, probably a year and a half now. Unless it gets covered in blood, then there's no reason to wash it. It is covered in blood. I always had a stinkiest locker, too. You play a soil child.

Yeah, you're supposed to. You grew up in the dirt. And the blood. Yeah, and the blood. Out of the blood and the dirt. I have a question about the obese thing that we were originally talking about. All right. Is it like, you know how there's a conspiracy theory about AIDS?

About the fact that the reason why they increase AIDS victims, like sort of infection of AIDS, is by the increase in the number of diseases that they consider AIDS? Are they just widening the body index? And saying, like, it's easier to be obese? No. Because I think technically I'm morbidly obese. Technically you are.

Technically you are morbidly obese. We all are, yeah. But we aren't all. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're, you are morbidly obese. We all are, yeah. But we aren't all. You're fat. I'm underweight. You're underweight? Well, get some fucking meat on your shit. But I will say, those weight indexes are always off.

I mean, you're probably considered obese, right, Yannis? And you're like a normal dude. No, but I mean, I'm... But normal. You're a 30-year-old fella. It's like you should... Yeah, I'm a normal comedian look. I got the body of a 50-year-old fella. I'm a normal comedian look. I've got the body of a 50-year-old.

Old-timey. He does a little song and dance before he tells the jokes. It's beautiful. Ribs on a Japanese fella? We get ourselves a little Rickles over here. It's all done. I agree with you, though. I was considered obese even when I was at my thinnest growing up,

which just makes you feel mortified. Because what's good enough then, doctor? Might as well just be really obese. Weren't you big for a little while, though, and you lost your even when I was at my thinnest growing up, which just makes you feel mortified, because what's good enough then, doctor? Might as well just be really obese. Weren't you big for a little while, though, and you lost a little weight? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to be 380, then I lost 160. And when I was 380, I was obese. 380? But I'm still obese now. And how tall are you? 6'7". Jesus Christ. I mean, he's a big man.

Yeah, you could break an oar over his face. Holy. Yeah, that's the thing. Wow. Yeah, he's a big dude. Yeah, it was pretty cool, man. I'll tell you. A lot of sex options. Do you have any pairs of pants from that time period? No, I don't even know if I was wearing pants.

I think I was just wearing like Roseanne style. Yeah, always wearing towels. I don't know why that was. Wearing full bed sheets. Cut a hole out of the top of it, stick your head through it, wrap a belt around it to dress. Yeah. And then I wrote like Austin 316 on it because I love pro wrestling. What was the, do you have to diet hard now?

Was it emotionally? I'm working out, man. I'm getting buffer, right? Why did you get so big? Was it emotional, you think? What was the reason? It was emotional. Yeah, my parents were very rude and mean.

And that goes into our next segment, which is about terrible parents. Marcus, what's that news story? Oh, this... Oh, good Lord. All right. Avoidance of true issues. No, I'll talk about them. All right.

Terrible parents. An Alaska woman was convicted of misdemeanor child abuse today after showing off the weird punishment she inflicted on her son on an episode of Dr. Phil. Jessica Beegley, 36, was arrested earlier this year after footage of her squirting hot sauce into her 7-year-old's mouth and forcing him to take cold showers aired on the show. Whoa!

I mean... It's not even that bad. Yeah, what were you doing? The footage was terrible. You do that to yourself like twice a week. Yeah, but you know she was making him ham it up because he was on Dr. Phil. The thing is that she did this so she could be on Dr. Phil.

She was like, how can I be on Dr. Phil? Oh, I can just treat my kid like shit. And like TV just allows you to get away with anything, you know? It's just like, oh, this woman murders her kids, you know? It's just hot sauce in a cold shower. It's a cold shower. I love this case. This woman murders her kids. It's just hot sauce in a cold shower. It's very terrible. And it's Alaska. That's cool, right? You can do that up there. Do whatever the hell you want.

It's the middle of nowhere. I can't believe this woman is in trouble. My mom hit me in the face with a telephone and I used to be forced laxatives. And before they run around with a garbage bag on me. To be fair, your mom should be locked up. I mean, the Lord's going to lock her up soon, but theoretically, the law should have at some point also.

The kid probably deserved it. The kid is a Russian adoptee. He's seven years old. And he's complaining about cold showers and he's from Russia? Those are cold countries. Hot showers. Just normal showers are good.

Yeah, cold shower does not equal bear attack. I don't know, man. I hated that mother. She was such a cunt on that fucking show. If you would watch the clip, you would be devastated. It's so sad. The kid's crying and she's like, you want more hot sauce? He was adopted, though. He was chosen.

There's a lot of kids that aren't chosen. Fuck it, he should get over it. Yeah, what does he want to live in the orphanage for the rest of his life? Yeah, he should be sent back to the orphanage. Jackie. Mom, he's going to go to jail. You're going to go to the fucking orphanage now and you're going to fucking rot in a corner

to deal with someone like Jackie. Jackie's going to be one of those tiger moms. Not teach them anything whatsoever. Don't go to school! I told you not to go to school. Come and suck my teat. You know. He's going to be fucking praying for fucking hot

sauce by the end of this. No, he's not. He hates the hot sauce. He was crying and it's a waste of good franks. It's just hot sauce. No, it's an abuse of a wonderful product called hot sauce. Henry, remember when we covered you in hot sauce for a sketch? What I like about it was the conversation we had right before going on stage of,

you guys are going to take all the hot sauce out of these bottles and fill it with water and food coloring, right? And it was two people, it was Fike and you, both like, yeah, absolutely. That is what we're on our way to do. And then during the show they dumped the whole bottle of hot sauce on my legs. Two bottles. And I had an insane rash all over me. They should have gone to do. And then during the show, they dumped the whole bottle of hot sauce on my legs. I had an insane rash. They should have gone to jail. They should have gone to jail. I didn't know

it was going to cause burning. I didn't know either, technically. I feel like you've all been to jail, and that's where Murder Fist formed. It's a prison group. It was originally a gang for protection, and then eventually we discover the love of theater. Eddie, give me a description

of Jessica Beagley here. She's a big, strict bitch. I know exactly what that means, too. It's because she's got a thick neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a tight bun. I don't know. You can't see her bun. She's got flabby arms and she wears glasses and she's got a real thick neck. And a tight bun? I don't know. You can't see her bun. She's got flabby arms, and she wears glasses, and she's got a haircut like the old librarian,

like the bad librarian. Yeah, that's never good. But yeah, she looks like a fucking righteous cunt, but I still am on her side. Isn't it just sad that when you see a nice young librarian, they're so hot, they always just turn into that old librarian. That's the same woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Troopy-ass nipples.

Oh, God. I mean, and that's fine. Or they like spaghetti. Oh, you take my nipples in your mouth. They like angel hail pastas. Oh, that's hot. That's as far as I go. I'm sorry. You meet your friend in the middle over the pasta like

tités. That's a hot three-way. They never get hard. No, you're a fucking tramp. You ain't no lady. All right, let's move on. Still in the world of bad parents, a California father told his crying seven-year-old son he needed to toughen up and then threw him off a tour boat

into a busy harbor as shocked passengers looked on. Yo! Did the boy toughen up, though threw him off a tour boat into a busy harbor as shocked passengers looked on. Yo! Did the boy toughen up though? Oh yeah! I'd imagine so. I mean he's tougher right? Did the kid die? Don't throw him off the boat. No no no. Quote the father hit him several times and then threatened to throw him overboard

if he didn't stop crying. The crowd on the boat became very angry at the father for hitting the kid and extremely angry when he threw them overboard. What'd they do to him? Did they just let him? He's like, yeah, yeah, I did that. And then what, the boat stopped and they get the kid?

I think there was probably a lot of like, hey, you can't do that shit, bro. Hey, bro. But nobody was wanting to make a move on him. Yeah, because he'd just throw him off the boat. He is a former Marine sergeant. Oh, yeah, absolutely. He is a former Marine sergeant. He's like, toughen up,

older man, and grabs an older man and throws him off the edge of the boat. Toughen up, full-grown woman. Grabs her by the breasts and throws her off the boat. You would just hope at least he would get the shit beaten out of him, right? Does he get beaten up? I mean, he'll get the shit kicked out of him in jail this week. Hopefully. His name is Sloan Bryles.

Nice! Wow. Good name. I don't know. Tough fucking dad, man. Yeah, I wouldn't mess with that, dude. That sounds pretty horrific. But then again, it's better than having to go to church with your parents every Sunday.

You know? It's not the worst. They probably have to do that, too. Do you think so for Sloan Bryles? I just feel like, hit the kid down. Don't throw him off the boat. They're just going to get you into more trouble. Hot sauce, cold showers.

Exactly. Something that they can't show in front of other people. But then if you put it on national television, you're going to go to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Well, don't put it on Dr. Fucking Phil. Well, you know, she wanted help. Oh, no.

She didn't want help. She wanted the prize. Yeah. She wanted the prize. She wanted to help of a celebrity. A bunch of hot sauce. A bunch of cold water. What a stupid fucking bitch.

You know, can we go back to that story? Sure. She was so stupid for bringing it into the public. She could have gone on doing that until the kid went to college or was dead. Yeah, no, either one. Doesn't really fucking matter. No, she did it so she could get on TV. So she didn't do it beforehand. Well,

she did it before. Well, she started doing it in order to get on TV. The camera crew's around. You're like, oh, I gotta do the greatest hits. Isn't the camera crew, like, implicit in the crime? Don't you have to like stop it? No. If you're holding a camera

and someone starts beating the shit out of their kid? I don't think so. I feel like I was gonna be like she never did this before. It looked like she had. I mean, everyone's mother

beat the shit out of them though. I mean, right? No. I was a father's guy. I got hit like five times. But they were all big times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I got hit

was pretty rough. Yeah, Giannis. It was with an object. Yeah, you big times. Every time I got hit was pretty rough. It was with an object. Yeah, you're Greek. Your mom hit you, right? It was a slipper. Slipper to the head. Slipper to the head. Oh, that's not bad.

That's kind of adorable. That is. It was like a boomerang. She'd take it off, throw it, hit me, it would come back to her hand. That's cute. That's a cute way to do it. Yeah, I would say, Eddie, you probably took it the worst as a kid. I more watched it because my parents, once I grew up, my parents just did not parent me at all.

Because they were just like, oh, we're not good at disciplining kids. And you're too big. You're huge, yeah. Well, that was the thing. My freshman year, that was the last year. And then I, like, punched my old man. He was, like, a great standoff. And I was like, I'll kill you if you touch me, man.

It was great. It was really awesome. Not only that, but a wrestling champ, Giannis. Yeah, I punched my old man. He was a great standoff. I was like, I'll kill you if you touch me, man. It was great. It was really awesome. Not only that, but a wrestling champ, Giannis. Yeah, I got third in state. Who was? I was as a wrestler. Nice! Nobody can fuck with you, man. Well, they could. I was division... It wasn't really even a division. It was WISA, which is the Catholic League.

So whenever I would go against people who got full rides from Notre Dame, I gave it a pretty good shot. But I wouldn't... They're serious. They really... They were, I'd give it a pretty good shot. But they're serious. They really were dead serious. But the average layperson, you could take them out in a second. Yeah, the average man. But people my size, God knows, they're fighters. They're weird.

Big. Oh, no, you can take them out, Ben. Weak knees. I don't have weak knees. I don't have weak knees. Every big guy has weak knees. Or ankles. Yeah.

Sad knees. Yeah, that's the thing. Or emotional joints. Or like if you get them angry. Did you just get beat as a kid? No, no, not beat, beat. But my mom, she was a crazy, crazy woman back in the day. She went through menopause for a decade.

She's also a small woman. So when you, her hitting you. Our moms are very similar. Yes. And I will say. It took like, you know, once I got like 14, like it didn't even hurt anymore. But like she would just do shit. Like moms are very similar. And I will say... Once I got like 14, it didn't even hurt anymore. My room was dirty.

She just hit me with a bag of wood. You know, stuff like that. Normal stuff. I will say, Eddie, you probably inflicted the most pain on your mother than she could ever inflict on you. Biggest baby in Florida. When he was born. Eddie was. Set the record. How big were you?

How do you know that, Fatty? Where do you get that fact? It was in the paper! A reporter came in and like... Yeah, they tell you when you're born. How big were you? I was 14 pounds, 13 and a half ounces. Can you believe that? Biggest baby in Florida! I'm fifth now. I'm not as big anymore.

There's modern advances in medicine where they don't all die now. Hormone! The biggest alcohol fetal syndrome baby of all time That's why you can drink so much And that's in the world too That's a world record Yeah, that is incredible

My mom gave birth to, all of us kids No drugs whatsoever Natural birth Really? Oh my god, she's a trooper She loved it But, you know, I've made up for it I've done plenty of drugs My mom was always passed out Every time, my brother and I Well, she's a trooper She loved it, but you know, I've made up for it I've done plenty of drugs

My mom was always passed out every time My brother and I Well, it's because she did that standard thing She was also asleep for, up until you were five Yeah, that's the thing Yeah, they put her in a coma It's like Beauty and the Beast Your mom was a beauty

And like you, or like Snow White Your mom was Snow White and you had to kiss her And when you kissed her for the first time on the lips And like it was true love, she awoken At five, yeah That's sweet Yeah, tell us about the first time you kissed her for the first time on the lips and like it was true love she awoken at five yeah that's sweet yeah tell us about the first time you kissed her when i first kissed mommy yeah this is the thing about the show we've actually gotten some complaints about it which is fun we just keep doing it i saw some i saw i saw an episode of the cosbys and i was like what are they doing and she said they're And she, like, did it against her hand.

I was like, can I be your hand? And so she lowered it. And, like, I remember music playing, but she says no music was playing. But I remember very... Billie Holiday was playing in the background. And the sun was setting, and I fucking...

Oh, my God. I got fucking hard. Five years old. I fucking oh my god, I got fucking hard. Five years old. I fucking sucked in her tits. I just wish Dr. Phil was around then so your mother could have been on it for her interesting parent techniques. Oh my god.

So mom, I fucking love you. Just saying it again. I'm going to send this to her. Oh my god, god Marcus can you please Click this together for a Mother's Day gift For Holden's mom If you want to ruin my life Put all the mother shit I talk about

On this show and send it to my mother With a big pair of big candy lips Sent from the Joker Any sexual attraction to your mother Giannis No the Joker. Any sexual attraction to your mother, Giannis? No, no. Can't say no.

I don't want to be the weird one here, but no. I mean, no. My mom was very sweet. My mom encouraged me to stay home from school. I'd be like, I'm tired. She's like, oh, okay, let's go shopping. So that was fantastic. I like that about her. Not sexually, though. I just like to, I'm tired. She's like, oh, okay, let's go shopping. So that was fantastic. I like that about her. Not sexually, though. I just like to hang out with her. I got a tattoo with my mother, and I got it after she had gotten her first tattoo.

We got the same thing. And afterwards, she was just yelling at me while I was in pain, saying, do you think this is bad? Wait till you have kids. You think it was easy for you to come out of my vagina? By the way, I love how Henry finds out a friend of yours got pregnant online and then called you up to scream at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie, tell this story.

Tell this story. I would have been drinking as well. During the hurricane, obviously, everybody was drunk for two days straight. I'm still reeling. I've been hungover for days. Henry called me on Sunday and said that my old roommate who has been

fucking a Puerto Rican gang member that she met in New York and then moved back home. She was accosted on the train. It was one of those stories where he called you and was like oh mommy, mommy. And she took the bait

and fell in love with him. She's heavy set, but she could actually be attractive. It's possible. It is possible. Sure. She ended up dating this guy who beat the fucking shit out of her while we were living together.

And then she moved home and moved in with her mother. And he went with her. And now she is pregnant with his child. Oh my god. Sounds like she's going to end up on Pat Dixon's podcast soon. White woman kills Mexican. That's the New York City crime report

with Pat Dixon on cavecomedyradio.com. Henry called me on Sunday after finding out about this and just yelled at me. He's like, are you pregnant? Don't you get pregnant and throw your life away. I'm like, I'm not. I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant, man. I'm just saying. And she has a very nice boyfriend. So if she did get pregnant, it would be nearly as bad. Utter mistake. Utter catastrophe in your life would happen if you got pregnant. And not only that, but Henry, from what Jackie told me, you were like, I will not support you. I will not support this decision. You will be on your own.

I just felt like... No, no, I did not say that. Were you just drunk by yourself? I was drunk by myself, but I did say that. I will say, if you ever get busted for having sex with a cow and feeling on her teeth, say, oh, it was an utter mistake. That's kind of fun.

I will never do that. It was going on in your head. I won't do that to a cow. Happens all the time. I get it, Ben. Thank you, Ed. Ut utter mistake. It was going on in your head. I won't do that to a cow. Happens all the time. I get it, Ben. Thank you, Ed. Utter mistake. It's a good pun.

Thanks. I couldn't put an utter inside myself, though, right? Oh, yeah, you could. You could. I could probably actually fold it up inside me, right? What you could do is tape it to a Popsicle stick and then put it inside of you. Like it's a broken utter. It needs a splint.

You put that bucket in you. Whatever you want. I'd have to cut the udders off. And then put them inside. If you put them on your fingers. Use them as gloves. Oh, there you go. Finger gloves.

All right, I'll do it. Yeah, absolutely. Giannis, you're a native New Yorker, right? That was the strangest segment of home improvement I've ever heard. It's true, though. I mean, all those were actually really good suggestions. Put it on a popsicle stick. You get that in your vagina, no problem.

All you got to do is chisel away at the end a little bit, a couple of screws, rubber bands, we'll get it in there. Brother and sister. All right. You're from New York, right? Yeah. And so what, like, I'm from Wisconsin People fuck cows Florida people have sex with

What is it like alligators Stuff like that Alligators and crabs And crabs I've never heard I haven't heard of it though No I've never heard it happening

It happens New York fat girls Have sex with Puerto Rican gang members That's who we fuck Alright So the Puerto Rican gang members We fuck Puerto Rican gang members

You know what? I'm going to say it right now. I'd rather fuck a cow. I really would. If I had a daughter and I found out she was fucking a Puerto Rican gang member or a cow, I'd be like, well, at least I can kill one and eat it. You know? And it's going to be that Puerto Rican gang member.

A cow's not going to hit back. You know? No, they can't hit back. They're loving animals. Cows are dangerous. Yeah, they're big, dangerous, dumb animals. I hate them so much. We breed them to make them not care about murdering

them. We breed them dumb so it's okay to kill them. They're stupid, stupid fucking birds. If we didn't breed them, they'd be extinct, right? Yeah. They're the dumbest animals. They'd get eaten by squirrels or something. That would be cute. You can't run.

You can't fight. You can't do nothing. You're just a sack of delicious meat. So many animals just wouldn't exist if we weren't nice to them. And I consider us being nice to cows. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, we let them live for a whole life before we eat them. They really do. Like a Bichon Frise.

What's that going to do in the wild? That animal does not exist without humans What's a Bichon Frise? It's a tiny little dog You should fucking know this man I never heard of it, it sounds adorable, I love it Yeah, it's like a Maltese kind of Chihuahuas and Malteses

They would live forever Chihuahuas would make it Chihuahuas are nasty Chihuahuas would kill the rats and we would just have Chihuahuas instead of rats That's what would have happened. And how cute would that be? Adorable. Can you imagine sitting on the subway platform and a little chihuahua comes up and starts nibbling on your feet?

That'd be a lot of fun. It would be just as bad. What are you talking about? It would be just as bad because rats wouldn't exist and they would be rats. Something always has to be the rat. We have to make little marshmallows that have teeth and legs and make them eat the chihuahuas

and then we have little marshmallows running around. With teeth and legs. Fun little marshmallows nibbling on your pant legs. Carefree. I think pigs would make it also. They're adaptable.

Oh my god, pigs make it already. Pigs are smarter, though. Wild boars? We got those all over the place back in Texas. They are so fucking dangerous. You get treed by a wild boar. What does that mean? That means they fucking chase you and you climb up a tree.

Yeah, get treed! I didn't think it was that at all, but that's funny. I got treed! No, you do. What do you think about vegans? Is that weird to you? Oh, fuck them. We've had this talk before. Fuck vegans. Yeah, fuck vegans.

If we were to unsponsor something, the opposite of sponsors would be vegans. First girl I ever fell in love with was a vegan. She was fucking stupid. And she had small titties. How do you love a vegan? You just love her because she's talented at musical theater, but she wants to fuck

the only black guy in your school. And she'll never have sex with you because you're 380 pounds. Then she's not a vegan. Well, Jesus Christ. We're not talking about a Puerto Rican gang member over here, for Christ's sake. If it makes you feel any better, the man was adopted and raised on a farm. It's true.

Vegans don't like black people. We're saying it here. Vegans don't like black people. This just in. This just in. No, I think vegans really enjoy a good black person. Don't agree with their... A good black person. Oh, yeah. No, I think vegans really enjoy a good black person. Really don't agree with their... A good black person. Oh yeah, no, not the bad ones and they don't chomp on their hands

the way we do. Kevin's not here so we can't have this conversation. Alright. We're going to have to move it right along. I'm Kevin. You look like Kevin. Alright. Alright. A Pennsylvania couple is accused of stealing $1,049.26 of food and other goods from a grocery store on Saturday afternoon

with the intention of serving said food to guests at their 5.30 p.m. wedding reception. Jesus. There you are. Pennsylvania, huh? What are the chances that happened in Pennsylvania? I just felt like that's the currency. I'm getting married. They're like, oh, here's $1,000 worth of things.

That's what you say to get free food. It's beautiful. I love the names. Arthur Phillips, 32, and his bride, Brittany Lurch. How old was Brittany Lurch? 22. She's just getting married to change that horrible name. Of course.

God, I wonder how long her face is. It's got to be sadly long. Like Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead when he gets his all stretched out. Does this say what kind of food that she's got? Oh, yeah. They were married two days before they walked into a Wegmans, which is apparently a supermarket in Pennsylvania. Oh, Wegmans.

Wegmans. To shop for what a in Pennsylvania. Oh, Wegmans. Wegmans. To shop for what a source says included a shrimp platter. That's fine. Classy. Two spiral hams. Ooh. A veggie tray. Spiral hams, they hypnotize ya.

And soda, among others. Boring. I hope so. Other crucial reception items included a punch bowl, forks and spoons, and in a sign that there's nothing like one-stop shopping, a polo shirt, and Gillette Fusion razor blades. Interesting. You want to look good for the wedding party. So what, did they just walk out with shopping carts full? Here's what they did.

They pushed one cart out of the store and then went right back in and started filling up a second one. Oh, that's right. It could have gotten away with the one cart. We used to do that. We used to just fill up a shopping cart full of beer and just walk out the store and never come back. That's totally fine because people won't even notice the first cart. You go back in for the second cart, they got greedy. They totally would have had some food at their wedding.

They could have just went to another grocery store. That's fucking crazy. People just don't notice. Because everyone who works at a grocery store is retarded fucking crazy. People just don't notice. No one gives a shit. Because everyone who works at a grocery store is retarded or 14. Yeah, and don't give a fuck. Yeah, who cares? A lot of times... Yeah, I knew kids that would just be like, I'm stealing this

and just like walk out and just like nothing would ever happen. The paperwork of calling the cops, I'm sure. Yeah, it's just a pain in the ass. And here's one more thing. Whenever police arrested the pair, they also found a pot with pot residue in the couple's car. A pot? Pot residue in the car?

Pot with pot residue? No, no, no. A pipe. Oh, a pipe. A pipe. A pipe with pot residue. Excuse me. A pipe with pot.

Oh, okay. A pipe with pot. But no actual marijuana in there. No actual marijuana. No, they didn't have enough fucking money to buy weed. They got fucking blizzased and they went and robbed $1,000 worth of food. I guarantee,

it's the munchies that gave that extra cart. That's what gave them away. They should have gone in there sober and they would have just gotten one cart and they would have

been just fine. They should not have gotten fucking married and they didn't have the money to pay for a reception. If you don't want to do it, then you just go to

the Gore house and don't have a reception. No, but they have friends that they need to feed them. Make a potluck. Yeah, potluck wedding. You can't do a potluck wedding. It's trash. They are obviously trashy enough to steal food for their reception.

They could have made it a potluck. Come on. It's the marriage between Arthur Phillips and Brittany Lurch. I just feel like Brittany Lurch was hot, man. She's fucking good to go. Brittany Lurch actually does sound kind of like a hot girl's name. Yeah, if she got a 32-year-old man in Pennsylvania,

that's not easy to do. You know, most of them are dead off meth. There was no, like, liquor or beer. I mean, they definitely stole all the wrong things, but it's not that easy to steal anymore. I mean, we would have gone to jail had we been stealing the things we were stealing when we were kids. Do you guys steal?

I can't steal. No, I don't. I haven't stolen to tell you. You're on the 15, 16. In this lockdown of a city growing up here, can you steal when you were growing up? Because I feel like small town Florida or Wisconsin, it's much easier. Texas is fucking simple as shit. I think about the same. I'd say probably about the same.

Just going to walk out with it. I think the key is that you have employees at the store that don't give a shit. You can steal. The one thing I really envy is like, wasn't it just so easy to get fucking booze before you were of age? Oh my god, yeah. I was smoking Lucky Stripes, looking at

porno mags, and drinking beer when I was like four. Crazy. What a great life. I mean, mean seriously I remember What we used to do Is we'd go in I'd go to the counter

And be like Can I get a pack Of Lucky Strikes And beer for my dad Outside He's in the car And the Hindu dude Behind the corner

Was like Okay Yeah I'll just give it to you What does he give you shit We're not in this It's pretty hazy My dad used to send me

Cigarettes to the corner store All the time And I used to go And buy cigarettes And beer for him No questions asked And then we'd the time. And I used to go and buy cigarettes and beer for him. No questions asked. And then we'd go to Florida, and I still get carded in Florida, even for cigarettes. I'm like, I'm definitely over fucking 18.

North Carolina, every fucking place, man. I've been carded like three times since I've been here. I'll be it. I look scraggly and old. Yeah, you're so old. I look like an old, like chiseled kind of. Dude, I look like I'm 17. I never get carded for beer or cigarettes.

That's because you go in there with a gun. That's the thing, though. I got a real good gun. That'll help. I got a.38 Special. I love it. A little Saturday night special, baby. Stub nose, yeah.

I couldn't even steal anything in Florida, though. I was always too scared I was going to get caught. Oh, you just got to do it like that Jane's Addiction video. Just put it all up in your fucking stink hole. My stink hole wasn't that big. Oh, not then. The thing is, you don't want to do that because it would get a bunch of green goo on it.

You don't want to do that. Little callback. I used to shoplift for a thrill for a long time. A couple years ago. I like to just take things from stores. You were a thrill stealer? That's right. I'm not a

high-octane human, but I like to steal things. That's like a problem Lindsay Lohan had. I fucking work with her brother now, by the way. You work with Lindsay Lohan's brother? Yeah, I work with her brother.

How? He got a job with me. Hey, do the carpets match the drapes? You know what I'm saying? Oh, what do you mean? As in, I don't know, I haven't checked his fucking pubes yet, Henry. Oh, is that what that means? I just thought it was a fun thing to say.

Yeah, I thought you would just shave him off in the bathroom. You'd go in and wear him as a beard. Wait a second, so you really steal for fun? Yeah, I thought he would just shave them off in the bathroom. He'd go in and wear them as a beard. Wait a second. So you would really steal for fun? Yeah, I would do. I would steal. It's dumb shit. Till when? When did you steal?

So probably about two years ago. Really? Wow. No way. You guys know about this? No. I have no idea. I just take little things.

You're disgusting. I take little things. I didn't pay for gum for years. What's like a recent thing? No wonder you always have gum. Sunglasses. You're a fucking thief.

I'll never eat your gum ever again. You'll take my free gum and you'll love it. I'll eat it. I'll take my free gum. And I will like it. That's the problem

is when you bring gum across the border. And they catch you for smuggling it. So now what? Does your heart start beating fast? You get a good rush off of it? What happens? Well, that was the border. And they catch you for smuggling it. So, no way. Does your heart start beating fast? You get a good rush off of it? What happens?

Well, that was the thing. You just do it. Then afterwards, you're just like, ha, ha! Then it's like, oh, man, my life is empty. Why is my life so dumb? It's so embarrassing to get arrested for something like that. What's the biggest thing you ever stole? What's the craziest thing, anything nuts you ever stole?

The only crazy, I mean, but that was also I used to steal bottles of wine and stuff from when Eckerd's in college used to sell wine. You worked there. No, that was before I worked there. So you used to steal big signs and then you got a job there? At another

branch. We used to steal big signs out of bars while we were drinking and put our jackets over them and walk out. Huge. It was fantastic. A lot of cigarettes, a lot of beer. That's all you steal. I steal fishing lures. You used to steal fishing lures. Why would you? They're so expensive.

They are expensive. I used to when I was a kid. Loved it. I was looking at my friend's Facebook from when I was growing up. We used to steal all the stuff with. And he has a lot of phishing pictures up. That's all people do, apparently. He said it's crappy. It's just easy to steal.

It's just so easy and fun to do. It's not fun. It's bad. It's fun and cool. I just love that you have something to get. You're pro-child abuse, pro-rape. You're racist. It's like everything that is wrong with the world,

you love and stealing your child I'm telling you, you are such a reverse tiger mom. Your kid is going to be so confused and befuddled when your kid is getting arrested at like 10 years old, he's just going to have no idea.

It better not be for fucking stealing or he's going to be dead. I'm just like a fun good-hearted rogue. That's what I call myself. I'm just like a fun, good-hearted rogue. That's what I call myself. I'm a rogue or a bandit. I'm a rogue or a bandit. You're no fucking Peter Robinhood. You know what I mean?

No. No. No, Peter Robinhood's not a character. Which one was Christian Slater? Johnny Knives? Not Johnny Knives. Johnny Quick Knives. Johnny Quicky Knives. On the subject of the opposite of stealing, we have a segment from Holden McNeil.

Since we're all going to be millionaires in the future. Alright, cool. What charity are we going to set up when we get of age? I think there's a Scourge that's been messing with me for a while now. There are too many breast reductions going on in this fucking world right now.

Well, I swear to fucking Christ that was mine. I'm dead serious. I'm dead serious that I was like, fucking boob. That's it. Little titties, man. I would say, I'm going to call it Keep Em Huge. And we're going to fight. We're going to raise.

You know what, Ben? We'll share this one, man. All right. We're going to fight and fucking raise going to raise. You know what, Ben? We'll share this one, man. All right. We're going to fight to fucking raise awareness. We'll get like special. We'll get scientists to develop special back braces for these women so they can keep their fucking largies. Yeah.

And we'll do this, man. Yeah. We'll just have people to suck on. We'll pay people hourly to fucking suckle on. I saw some of the biggest titties I'd ever seen my whole life outside at the creek earlier today. Really? Oh, my God. There was this black chick.

In the wet rain? Oh, my God. It wasn't raining. She just like... It didn't rain today, Jackie. It did not rain today. I was just thinking about them. Oh, my God.

They were so big. So wet. They were basketball-y. Not even exaggeration. Did she call you sugar or anything like that? No, no, no. She just caught me shaking my head in disbelief. Yeah, yeah.

I know. I thought your head was in between. I like it. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I once dated a girl with double E's. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, it's too much. Too big.

Too, wait. I don't know what to do. I'd be all scared. Oh, you do as fucking good play. Yeah, they're like basketballs in wet sacks. They're not good. I love it. Henry, what would your

charity be? A charity that gives criminal basketball and football players, guys who've been busted for federal crimes, a chance to get out of prison. And what they have to do is carry around cripple kids on their shoulders wherever the kids want to go. That's pretty good. I like that.

That's nice. That's very nice. So you have to carry this kid with you everywhere you go. You have to. In a basket. And they've got to make videos of it. Absolutely. You've got to have videos.

Like Natalie Merchant songs. basket. And they gotta make videos of it. Absolutely. You gotta have videos. Natalie Merchant songs. Arms of the angel. Michael Vick with a crippled kid. Far away from here. San Andreas Falls. One shot of him just like

throwing the little kid through a basketball hoop and he was just like, yay. Sarah McLachlan in the arms of the angel. Arms of the angel. Far away. In the arms of the angel. That's beautiful, man. Away from here. Yeah. Do you have another charity you'd like to...

I would like to start up a music charity for all the mariachi bands and the homeless singers on the subway so they can go to that and learn how to sing and play guitar properly so when I hear them in the morning, I don't want to blow their heads off with my cock. That's a good idea. I like that. I like that. You want to fuck them to I like that. You want them to give you a blowjob until they die? The chick in front of me has the tits that Eddie was talking about

with the big ol' fuckin' bazombos, and I would just come really hard and stare at her, and then I would just blow them in the face with jizz, and like so hard that they would explode like it was some sort of Sam Raimi film. That's a lot of little clowns at the carnivals, little clown heads. Unless they go to my charity, in which case they'll learn how to play beautiful,

beautiful folk. Jackie. I would say you take all the mentally handicapped kids. Retarded kids? Well, mentally handicapped. I'm sorry, I just don't like the term

mentally handicapped. Okay, the retarded kids. That's the nicest thing she said on a podcast. And let's say we do mutant tests on them, right? Make them super fucking strong. Fucking mangle up.

And then we do like, it's like a special Olympics, right? Why does everything come back to eugenics with you? It's, I just want to make people stronger. So it's like a special hero Olympics. And if they die That's fine We cut the loss already But if they live Are you talking about special hero Olympics

Are you talking about gladiatorial battles With like a lion Like a cyclops versus a wolverine They're going to only battle each other Because they can't battle a human They'll be in the dome They're in the dome So if they could only battle each other Because they can't battle a human They'll be in the dome So if they could just battle each other With swords

They'll be filled with metal So it's going to be hard to die You're going to fill them with metal? Yeah It's going to be hard for them to move as well Isn't this going to be for a pretty boring gladiator match? They're going to figure it out It's just a work in progress She only got this segment idea today Isn't this going to be for a pretty boring gladiator match? They're going to figure it out.

It's just a work in progress. She only got this segment idea today. So it's going to be more genetic mutations. Take all the retards. Make them better. Thank you. Make them better. Mine's actually strangely similar to Jackie's.

I want to start a foundation for anyone who destroys robots. Anyone who beats up a robot, tears off robots' limbs. Anyone who just pours water on a robot. I'll give you a couple bucks. What kind of robots? These are people who are anti-robots. It's the war against the robots.

I'm just trying to get ahead. Even if it's like a microwave? Yeah. Like a refrigerator? No, a robot. Like a talking, walking robot. So just like every waitress at IHOP? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every waitress at IHOP. Who would be on the list? But you love the Hall of Presidents, don't you? You love the Hall of Presidents. I love the Hall of Presidents. I love the Hall of Presidents. If somebody goes into the Hall of Presidents, I'd you? You love the Hall of Presidents. I love the Hall of Presidents. Who goes into the Hall of Presidents? I'd have to give them money.

What have you killed all the time? Can't make an omelette! I get to see. I'm with you now, Eddie. I went to Tony Bartlett's Robot World in like 1996, and I would love if all those robots had died. Giannis, what do you got?

I think my charity would be that I would help all the retarded kids that joined Jackie's charity after they were What, you mean after their superheroes? They're either superheroes or they're dead, Yannick.

I want you to fucking try to convince a retard he's not a superhero now. It would be challenging. Very challenging. Thank you, Yannick Poppins. That's been the Roundtable. Jessica Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holder McNally. Thank you, Henry, for sending in for Kevin Barnett. We missed you, Kevin. I'm Ben Kitzel. Marcus Parks. We'll talk to you later on.

And put a retard on it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Put a fucking superhero retard on it. Put some metal in it. I just feel like it's not going to do anything good. If it's a superhero retard, it's just going to kill all of us. It's going to hug us to death. Oh, yeah.

No, that's fine. You're probably going to love it. You'll probably give it some weird fucking scissor dick or something. Goodbye, everybody. I'll give weird fucking scissor dick or something. Goodbye, everybody. I'll give it a scissor dick. Open you up. Cut you wide. It's a good fucker, guys.