The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 63: Actually Kind of a Serious Day

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Join us for this edition of The Round Table as we discuss hot beef fat injections, meat babies and drunken elks, plus it's time for the return of the Round Table Lightning Round! We've also got special guest Thomas Dale sitting in for our boy Ben Kissel and Jason Kalter and Joe List sitting in the Hut.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, cool. We ready to get started? Dear God! I thought we started! gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, cool. We ready to get started? Dear God. I thought we started. Dear Lord, thank you very much for allowing us to have the round table

today on this most special of days, September 11th, which is, of course, Grandparents Day. Across America, grandparents everywhere are receiving gifts of wonderful things. Apples, pears, strawberries, peanuts, fruits, which is the traditional gift on Grandparents Day. Thank you, Lord, for everybody here at the Roundtable of Gentlemen. And God bless the United States of America.

Yeah! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! All right, all right. They're going to kill that poor woman. Oh, man. I'll! Alright, alright. They're gonna kill that poor woman!

Oh man, I'll tell you man, just like September 11th, my grandparents are dead. Now who is on the round table today? Uh, Jackie Zabrowski. Oh, September 11th, oh no! Sitting in for Ben Kissel, we have Thomas Dale. What's up everybody? Hey, I'm Holden McNeely. You're getting a good one.

Kevin Barnett. It's actually a pretty serious day. And in the Chuckle Hut this week, we got Joe List and Jason Coulter. And I am Ed Larson, in for fat ugly Ben Kissel I miss his big fat I miss his big fat Why are you saying nice shit You guys fucking made fun of me

For like half the episode I wore a low cut shirt I always wear a low cut shirt on Sundays Because Kissel's here And I had a low cut shirt on today And I was like no one's gonna stare at going to stare at me. I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look. Come on, me.

Alright, and newsman Marcus Parks. Parks and Smarks, what's going on? A couple won four and a half million dollars in a Florida court yesterday because doctors failed to notice that their baby would be born with no arms and one leg. The couple would have aborted the baby,

they testified in open court. Jesus. If only ultrasounds had correctly spotted its missing limbs. Dude, just give it up for adoption, man. Get rid of it then. Someone will take care of that. I don't know. It's just a fucking animal. You're going to throw it in the ocean anyway.

It's going to bob all over the place. It's just fucking meat at this point. It would be a doctor to not be able to see that it has no arms and legs. They did the ultrasound on it, and they actually rejected an amniocentesis that might have revealed the abnormalities. They even rejected it after a warning that their child could have Down syndrome. English, doc!

That's their own fault! No, an amniocentesis, isn't that when they take it out of... They take the fluids out of your uterus and test it to see if the baby's gonna have a problem? Yeah. That's their own fucking fault! You were gifted a fucking meat baby from God! I mean... There's never gonna from God anything and that's you fucking for no amniocentesis I just feel so bad for your gynecologist I just love

it when they feel up on your breasts to check for lumps. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you can do that yourself at home. Nah, nah, nah. I like when other people do it. A meat baby. That's accurate, because, you know, meat can't play piano. Oh, yeah. There you go. Meat can't take a girl to the dance, you know?

Oh, man. I just love that this baby will know forever. It's like, hey, how did we get this $4.5 million? It's like, well, we were going to abort you. We would have aborted you so hard. We would have just flushed you out. Do you give a shit about the idea of being a mistake or not? I remember I dated a girl once.

It was such a huge deal to her that she was a mistake. Really? Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, right? I don't give a shit. Who plans was such a huge deal to her that she was a mistake. Really? Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, right? I don't give a shit. Who plans that horrible thing? That's the thing.

I would never plan that. Exactly. It's just like, ah, fuck, baby time. And then you just go do it. You become parents. I was a mistake, but I was always raised with my mom was like, we were gifted with you, though. We weren't planning.

They weren't. I was their blessing. Whoops, Zebrowski. Uh-oh. Oh, no. with you though we you we were less they were original name was whoops the brass put it back the brass only if you have no arms and legs we would have got rid of you a long time ago I like that was a mistake but they still never got it after nine months I said whoops like They didn't realize for nine months. I thought it was you just beer-wearing. I wonder if the arms and legs are still in there.

Oh, that's like the worst. Sold separately. I didn't get my arms and legs until I was four. Accessories. Have you seen that show, though? I didn't know I was pregnant. Accessories, yeah. Have you ever seen that show, though? I didn't know I was pregnant. I've heard about it. I heard it's pretty intense.

Jason, you've seen that show? No, I just heard about it like two days ago, actually. I don't know if it was in response to this story or not, but I don't think the show should exist because I feel like there shouldn't be a large enough volume of people

that aren't aware that they're pregnant to warrant a TV show, let alone a series of TV shows for the entire season. I pitched a show called I Didn't Know I Wasn't a Virgin. So, Coulter, let me ask you a question. What do you think about this kid? Is this kid going to kill himself

when he gets older and he finds out he should have been an abortion? How? How is he going to do that? Apparently the parents are hoping he's going to drag himself. Apparently the parents are hoping. He's going to roll off a pier. He's going to drag himself to the pool that they buy with their four and a half million dollars. He's going to have to ride a Segway that he controls

with his chest. Yeah, and he definitely won't be able to hang himself. That kind that kind of i feel like this kid could go one of several ways like either a kid will just die in a matter of days or it will go on to accomplish so many amazing things it could be just a a soccer star um i think of like other uh limb deficientient critters that have accomplished a lot. Krang comes to mind. Look at all he accomplished.

He built an entire Technodrome. Not by himself. The villain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We should note for our non-turtle-ites. How do you not know who Krang is? I don't respect anyone who's listening who doesn't know who Krang is. If you don't know who Krang is, turn this fucking shit off. And God bless America.

This is a very American story to start with, too. It's pretty great. Squeeze money out of somebody because I didn't know this was handicapped. I don't want it. You're just thinking, why are we giving these people money? They're just bad at making kids. Yeah, man.

They should not have had a kid in the first place. Fucking cut it up. Throw it in the ocean. It's chum. Make it chum. Let's go shark hunting. What else is going on, Marcus? I think we're done with this little fucking... This really ran the gamut of awful things about this one. Well, this is a lighthearted joke.

See you later, joke. Good one. Headline, Sweden. Drunken moose rescued from tree. I didn't know they had moose in Sweden. I'm looking at the have so many questions. I can actually explain this. How did he get up in the tree?

I didn't know Sweden had trees. I'm looking at a picture of the moose in the tree right now. It's amazing. A moose had been chomping fermented apples, which is apparently a common phenomenon in the fall in Sweden. Apples will fall from the tree and ferment on the ground. The moose got drunk and tried to get even more apples higher in the tree than got hopelessly tangled in the limbs.

Are you sure that's not where Ben Kissel is this week? Stuck in a tree. The man who spotted the treed moose said, my neighbor recognized it as the animal that almost ran into her car earlier in the day. Another moose commented

we would have aborted him if we didn't like an alcoholic moose. We would have aborted him If we didn't allow him to be stuck in the tree Like an alcoholic moose Oh man so What was I going to say Who gives a fuck They should have just put a bullet in its head How'd they get it out of the tree

It doesn't really It doesn't go into detail A moose lift Specific things I wonder if they put him in like a drunk tank afterwards You fucking think about what you've done. Sleep it off. Thomas, give me a description of what the look on

this moose's face is. Well, I'm sitting here looking at this moose wondering if that's his cock and it's really just his leg. I'm like, that's a big ass moose dick. He's hung though. Yeah. But then I'm sitting here thinking this poor moose is just really like He's going to look at this picture and be like

This is my bottom This is my bottom So good comes Yeah good comes from fermented apples Is there anything that you look at and don't think Dick Well I If you don't know Thomas Dale is a big fan of dick

Yeah Well I just couldn't not help it It looks like a giant moose cock If you don't know, Thomas Dale's a big fan of the dick. Well, I just couldn't not help it. It looks like a giant moose cock. It does kind of look like a giant moose cock. Everybody, let me show you. And you mentioned Ben Kissel, and I look at Ben.

When I look at Ben, I always tell him he looks like he has a moose cock. Oh, no, he definitely does not. It's so sad. It went all to his legs. That's the worst part. You look at him, and you're just like, oh, yeah, it definitely does not. It does not. It's so sad. It went all to his legs, you know? That's so sad. That's the worst part. Like, you look at him, and you're just like, oh, yeah, yeah. At least it has to just be, like, a horse.

That's why he fucks all the girls in their ass, because then at least they can feel something. That's so disappointing. Yeah, yeah. No, he's got, like, a penguin cock. Aw. He's got feathers and shit. It lays eggs. You didn't know penguins' dicks had feathers Just the dicks

The rest of them smooth That's how they fly I just really I think it's impressive that the moose Could get all the way up into the tree Even me drunk I can't get up into a tree Me sober I can't get up into a tree Either but imagine that He moved his way up Joe how would you go about getting a mo get up into a tree. Me sober, I can't get up into a tree either, but imagine that.

He moved his way up. Joe, how would you go about getting a moose out of a tree? I would cut the tree down. I feel like you could take that kind of fall. They have nine lives, don't they? Oh, yeah. They always land on their feet, too. That's the thing. You can shoot a moose eight times

in the head and keep it. Still fucking hang out with you and play cards with you and drink with you. That makes it human. Yeah, exactly. If you shoot a moose in the head, it can speak perfect English. Which is a new thing that I learned by doing that to a fucking moose. Where did you shoot a moose? Oh, you know, in my old college days.

Oh, yeah, Canada. You remember Canada? Back when I was in Canada, I was a Mountie. We didn't talk about this? I was a Mountie in Canada. When? For years. Oh, man, you had that tight suit.

You wore that tight... You could see my balls from a mile away. A mile away? And those pants. It was amazing. But wait, can I say something about... Underneath this picture, scroll down a little more, it says 91% find it hilarious,

1% find it depressing, 1% find it depressing. 0% find it scary. And 1% find it annoying. Annoying? I guess it is a nuisance. Those are the natives of Sweden. They're just like, this is no joke. This is annoying.

Annoying. Most people sound like, fuck this moose. Oh, man, if I woke up and looked outside and there was a moose in the tree, I'd definitely go back to sleep. You celebrate, though, man. I think you should celebrate a moose in the tree. Yeah, I could celebrate an hour. It's like a frat house.

You wake up, just one of your brothers hanging from the tree. Just covering toilet paper. Yeah, exactly. Draw a dick on its face. Yeah, exactly. I remember that was what you guys threw a shopping cart up into a tree on mushrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were walking around on mushrooms all over Florida State campus.

And I'm like, hey, man, let's put that shopping cart in a tree, because I have my tall friend with me. Yeah, and so we put it in the tree. I'm like, oh, man, it's going to blow someone's mind. Cut to us in our apartment, also on mushrooms, building a fort in our living room. We successfully built a fort and then got into it, and then the cat proceeded to destroy the fort and ruin our fucking trips. Oh, man, that cat was horrible. I was so happy when it ran away.

That fucking cat. Is that the one that jumped out the window and committed suicide? No, no, no. That was Seamus. The name of cat Seamus. It's gonna kill himself. He's just living up to his name. He literally had a cat that committed suicide? No, it was... He found it dead on the sidewalk, didn't he? No, no, no.

Well, no, that was Tim's sister. No, me and Holden... What? No, remember the... Me and Tim used... I mean, me and Holden used to live together, and then right in front of our apartment door, in front of our door,

when we came home one night, was this cute little kitten. Just go... In front of our door of our actual apartment, inside the building. And so we're like, fuck that, we don't want a cat So we lived in a ghetto by the way. Yeah, we live it. So we go in the house and hold it's like no kitty

No, no kitty The door and like the cats just sitting there looking looking at the door waiting for us So finally we bring it in and I talked to every girl I know try to get in someone to take the cat eventually give it to Tim's sister She's all reckless with it. Lives on the 42nd floor on this goddamn apartment building and the fucking wind took it. Oh my god.

It just fucking... It's hilarious. She found it on the sidewalk. Oh shit. Dead ass cat shit. Slow guy. One day I woke up and it was just like a horrible shitty morning. And I woke up and I was just like a horrible shitty morning

And I woke up and I opened up my door And there's just a dead squirrel Sitting in front of my door Just sitting there The mafia came to see him A dead squirrel How did it die? Did it look like natural causes?

It looked like a fall It looked like a long fall. It was all fucked up. Have you ever stepped on a dead animal before? No. I stepped on it. Only Walter. I heard it's good luck. I stepped, I heard

a baby bird's all of its bones break as I stepped on it because it had fallen out of a tree and I just cried for the next block and a half. Then I got the fuck over it. Went to get my hair cut in the back patio in Tallahassee. And I saw this thing fall out of a tree. I was like, what the fuck was that?

And I saw another thing fall out of a tree. I was like, what the fuck? And then a third thing fell out of the tree. And we realized that there was a possum up there throwing baby squirrels out of the tree. And so we look on the ground. There's just, like, these three baby squirrels that are just, like, next to death. They're broken bones all over their body. And I was with my buddy Byron.

And I was like, man, you know we've got to kill these squirrels, man. And then he's like, oh, bud, I don't know. And so we did a paper-rock-scissor to see who would have to kill the squirrels. He lost, so he had to kill them. Wait, why did you have to kill the squirrels? Because they were suffering. Yeah, they were suffering. Why does a possum throw squirrels at them?

Because it's a mean-ass fucking shit animal. I hate possums. I fucking hate possums. They're big. The worst are rats. Yeah, that's kind of... That's why we used to go possum kicking. ass fucking shit. I hate possums. I fucking hate possums. They're big. The worst are rats. Yeah. That's kind of... That's why we used to go possum kicking. Kick them, kill them.

They throw baby squirrels. We literally used... I talked about possum kicking. I don't know if we have. No, I don't think you have. Possum kicking is a game we used to play back home whenever I was growing up. It's a good game. Yeah, we'd drive around and then whenever we saw a possum, you you get out of the truck

Can you kick it to death? Oh, yeah? You southerners Isn't it the same shit fuck no Island of Don't judge all white people I've never killed an animal in my life No, yeah, wait wait so with the squirrels, the baby squirrels, we used a 25-pound dumbbell. Oh, my God.

How else are you going to kill it? Did you finish getting your hair cut on the back porch afterwards? Absolutely. I love that. That's great. With a big-ass joint in my mouth. That's great. All right. What do we got going on, Mark. All right.

What do we got going on, Mark? All right, we got something out of Arizona. Two Walmart workers allegedly teamed up to steal $45,000 from the Arizona store that employed them. Money that would purchase sex change surgery for one and a Toyota Supra for the other. Car and a dick. Now, what's the... So was he turning into a woman or was she turning into a dude?

Doesn't say. I feel like that's important information. I feel like it's very important information. That sounds like something that a male to female tranny would do. I feel like women are way more responsible than that. That's some grimy ass male shit.

A woman's going to get a job, save her money, and get a pussy. But not the guy. A guy's going to steal that shit and then go fuck all the hot straight boys that I want. I hate trannies. Alright. Do you have a specific tranny story?

Of course I do. Hit us up, Tom. We love tranny stories. The thing is, this is fucked up. Okay. I was dating a guy. It's fucked up. This is the thing.

I live like a straight male life, but reverse. I was dating a guy who was becoming a tranny and I didn't know he was becoming a tranny. And then one night we were sleeping together and he was like in transition and he was growing tits. He was growing tits? How do you grow tits? Hormone therapy.

Take SQ. But he said to me, he said we have to sleep foot to face because we're gonna kiss too much so I don't want to stay up all night and I was like I'm like a dumb guido alright babe that sounds right and he's like he was growing

his hair out he said he was gonna get corn rolls I was like I'll buy them for you corn rolls are hot and meanwhile he's becoming a fucking woman I brought him to fucking Medicaid because I thought he needed Zoloft. And meanwhile, he's getting fucking hormone therapy. And so I was

tricked in sleeping with the pre-op Trini. Yeah. You should say that on the first date. If you're going through this process, you gotta know I'm gonna change. Yeah, let me know. And not into a butterfly. You are not.

I mean, it just seems like trannies are the least trustworthy people on the planet. Exactly, yeah. They are devilish little human beings. Every story I've ever heard, I was like, you really duped that person. They're like the gypsies of the gay community

They really are They really are And I just have a strife Is that the word? I have a strife with them? I don't know I have a beef They don't You got a beef

But they get more straight boys than I do And that really drives me crazy Because I'm a real boy Alright Pinocchio Exactly That's fucked up This is the funniest thing I've heard Trannies holler all the time

That's what they do I think like last week And I was doing that show with Jekyll and Hyde And I was walking down Christopher Street And there's these two trannies And they're staring at me as I'm eating this falafel one just goes one just goes oh that's a big fine hungry nigga

I was a big hungry nigga I was trying to eat that food She was right Was it an African American trend? They were throwing out the n-word It was the black trend I was like wait a minute I would pay somebody to call me that I want to be called that so bad

Man all trannies are humongous There's hardly any little trannies Why is that? I don't know. Does anyone know? They're just so big. They're like 350. Easy.

Every time. Like six-four. They're all bands or cabin size. They're not in their body, though. They can't handle it. You know? And the straight boys love them. I don't know about you.

No, they do. Listen to me. I'm telling you right now. It's so fucked up that straight guys, not you specifically, but... You specifically. Because I have a fetish

for straight boys, I've researched every angle of it. And the most authentic straight boy would go for the tranny because that's their way quote unquote

to try gay shit without it being gay. And I'm like, you're so fucked up. It's pretty gay. Yeah. It's still gay. Wait, were you ever able to seduce a straight boy

bring him over sometimes it takes money and all kinds of things you need to find one that needs a cell phone bill paid is it just like the conquest that's where I need my cell phone bill paid it's a love connection here on the round it's not a conquest it's more of just a like think about it like as a gay dude like i'm gonna want dudes so i want the dutiest of dudes

you know and the dutiest of dudes have the most they want pussy so therefore that's the kind of guys that i like so you know you should just always carry around a pocket pussy. I have a thing about that where I say I want to chop a pussy off and put it in my pocket. Don't touch me. I won't give you my pussy. I tap to her leg like it's an offer we're going to have to talk about. Why don't we just trade for a week?

Exactly. You're obviously an amazing negotiator. I am a good one. If you're able to convince straight guys, you've got to be amazing at it. I make them understand that the more they let me do it to them, the straighter they are.

You should get a tattoo of a pussy around your asshole. That's classy. I'm pretty sure. It was definitely classy That's fucking great That's the worst idea I've ever heard Imagine if Kissel came across a woman With that tattooed around her ass I can't wait to get this done this weekend

You're just gonna get a bigger asshole Tattooed around your asshole I can't wait to get this done this weekend. You're just going to get a bigger asshole tattooed around your asshole. Who says I don't already have one? Oh, yeah. Poppy is definitely an advocate for it. A good breeze comes by and it sounds like someone's clapping when Jamie's around. All right. Do you have any news related scenarios?

A person dressed in a Gumby costume attempted to rob a San Diego 7-Eleven on Monday. Eddie Murphy fell on hard times. Here's a couple of the problems the criminal ran into. One, the clerk thought it was a joke. Even after Gumby said,

this is a robbery, the employee replied that he had shit to do and didn't have time for it. He's like, he had cleaning duties to attend to. He's like, I got shit to do. I don't have time for this. And two, if said would-be robber had a weapon, he couldn't get to it. He was stuck in his fucking Gumby suit.

Gumby tried to reach into his pockets as if going for a gun, but the costume got in the way. Oh my god. Not only that, but he ended up giving money to, not taking money from, the convenience store. While fumbling in his pocket, 26 cents fell out and was left behind. And then he left the store and got into a minivan and drove away. So, Coulter, what do you say?

What fictional character are you going to dress up as when you try to rob a 7-Eleven? Fictional character could be from... I'm going to say cartoon. Are you looking for a cartoon character specifically? Definitely not Krang. I've exhausted my Krang material for the day. I feel like, I don't know.

I just feel like vampires are in there. And I feel like Count Chocula would kind of be like. Oh, it's a cow. Race related and like with the in thing. How is Count Chocula race related? He's European. He's Jewish, right? I don't know. Is he Jewish? He's Jewish, yeah. He's European. Count Chocula race related? He's Jewish, right? I don't know. Is he Jewish?

He's Jewish, yeah. Count Chocula is Jewish. Oh, in Philomania. I am a Holocaust survivor. I thought that was his whole backstory. He's a Yenta. Apparently Count Chocula is Barbra Streisand.

He has a fantastic singing voice. But that's a fantastic... I saw a video of that story and I just like... The first thing that crossed my mind was like one, I bet it would be much more intimidating if it was Eddie Murphy

dressed as Gumby. Yeah. And then no one would fuck with him. But imagine if he pulled off the robbery and then rode off on like two people dressed as pokies. Yes. That was his escape.

That would be fantastic. That would have been wonderful. My favorite part is the, we don't have time for this. Yeah. That's the great thing, is that the guy, the convenience store clerk,

he didn't call the cops at all. And it went down at 12.30 a.m. And the guy didn't call the cops. And at 6 a.m. he told his manager about it. And the manager called the police was like you fucking idiot that was a robbery i would have loved seeing gumby trying to walk because you know how his legs are split kind of like a little bit in the middle yeah and he's like like he had a wobble away like exactly yeah like a slut in heels You know But the face is open

On the costume No Oh No it was just like A complete Like it was a complete Gumby Gumby yeah

I was held up at gunpoint I think I've talked about this In the podcast A blockbuster video But I couldn't imagine If fucking somebody Came up with a gun Well he didn't

He didn't have a gun He couldn't reach it I know right It's like you should Well, he didn't have a gun. He couldn't reach it. I know, right? It's like the video, he just looks so pitiful, like trying to reach inside like the back flap of the costume to try to get into the gun, and then he just like gets up. Was acid involved? I was going to say, imagine if you were just someone,

because I know I've been in a 7-Eleven on shrooms. Yeah, right? And imagine you're like, oh, my God. Is that real? He was held up at gum point. Jolest once again! I'm going down

tonight! Oh man. You know what's the funniest part about this idiot? He got away. He totally got away. No one knows who this guy is. It was so stupid that he got away.

He got away off of pure idiocy. That's the brilliance. He's got this story to tell for the rest of his life. The time that I dressed up as Gumby. The rest of his life being like one week. By the way. It was at the Rancho Pinasquitos convenience store. Was this in Mexico?

No, this was in San Diego. Oh, close enough. Same fucking thing. I feel like Care Bears would be a really good costume to go in as. Because you can get mad at a Care Bear. You're just going to give them what they want. They're going to open up their magic bellies and produce rainbows. Also, if you only steal candy,

you only take candy. I would steal the hell out of some candy. Give me all the fucking candy. Fuck trannies. And next up, an Illinois woman injected heated beef fat All right. And next up, an Illinois woman injected heated beef fat into her face yesterday and died shortly thereafter. Good! Good! There was another weird injection of a woman's face, and she ruined her face.

Do you remember that? I think I remember that. What did she put in there, though? It was like honey or something. She put something weird in there. I don't know. It's still not as weird as hot beef fat. What was her reasoning for warming it up? Yeah, like Botox shit.

What kind of beef does it say? What kind of beef? What do you mean? There's only one kind of beef. Yeah, cow beef. Yeah, but where did the fat come from? Was it ribeye? Yeah, I'm saying, is it a steak fat?

It doesn't have to be steak fat. Was it the red A? She died, Jackie! Yeah, man, but she didn't fucking do it right. Watch a tutorial. She did it six times before. Yeah, she had done it several times before. Also, she was 63. Janet Hart. Is there a picture?

She was 63. She was almost dead anyway. Yeah, she was gonna die. If it wasn't beef fat, it would've been a shrimp. It would've been something else. Yeah. I think it's fine. I think that any way for a woman to look younger is fine. Yeah. Any way, Jackie.

Wait, don't listen to Jackie. It's the only thing we've taught America. It's just like, whatever you do, don't listen to Jackie if you're a woman. I want to know why she had to warm it up, though. Is that like a... Liquefy it. Yeah, you gotta... It probably felt so good

going in, too. It always does. Do you know that? We'll put your fat in my face. I was watching this on the Tyra Banks show. She was going on and on about how, like, tattoo... No, no, I'm sorry.

It was Wendy Williams. Wendy Williams was talking about how tattoos... Talk about trannies. Tattoos are disgusting and awful and that she doesn't personally have them. But that collagen and Botox are all fine and accepted now, but tattoos

are like the antichrist according to women in their 40s. That's ridiculous. Isn't that ridiculous? If you want to look younger, it's so easy to do now, so just do it. Just get it done. But tattoos? Disgusting.

It's funny you bring up tattoos I couldn't help Thomas You have Chinese symbols Chinese symbols On your arm Are you sure That's what they Okay

The way I know Is because I've had Two Japanese ladies Say to them Oh Strength conquers tears Ah Strength

What strength Conquers tears I got it after my Second suicide attempt Oh That's That's neither here nor there Fuck Tranny's

Tranny's ruined his life That's what we have to take away from this episode Was Tranny involved in the suicide at all? No, no, no, no I was just a young child Who didn't know anything about life And I would never suggest suicide to anyone. Anyone? Maybe a couple people?

Not anyone. Not a single person you can think of. No, maybe this bitch who fucking injects hot beef in her face. She definitely did that. That's the thing, you don't need suicide when you're that stupid. Maybe she was just trying to OD on

beef. You gotta smell like beef, though, afterwards, right? Well, here's what happened. She injected the substance around her mouth and chin. Her face became singed. She went to a hospital with complaints that she was experiencing a

burning sensation and died a couple hours later. An autopsy is scheduled for today. Oh, good. We'll have to get an update next week. That was on Friday, so I guess they're not following up with this story. The autopsy came out medium rare.

Thomas Dale, everyone. Yes! I'm far with your list, everybody. You gotta step it up, Coulter. Fucking sketch people. You're useless. I would hate to meet that woman. He redeemed himself.

It's fine. It's pretty good. Jason Coulter, everybody. Come on. Let's get my hand up. Good night. Good night. Good night.

All right. A law student drowned in the River Thames in London after getting drunk to celebrate a month of sobriety. Oh. You fucking demon. Yeah. That is great. A man died.

He died. A life is lost. He's a nice guy, too. He was trying to fix his life back up. That's why you don't try to get sober. Because you're just going to die from it anyway. Here's what happened. There's no sober success stories.

Right, exactly. Meow Posse, 20, drank more than four times the legal driving limit. Not even 21 yet? Then you're not a real alcoholic. Well, I mean, this is London. They started drinking at like 5. But he drank more than 4 times. The legal driving win it after winning a bet to go

28 days without alcohol. Kicked out of a pub for singing. Posse joined friends to the Thames, stripped to his undies and jumped in. He was 15 feet from the shore when he started drowning. Drowned. Who strips and jumps? Either way. English people.

It's for the best. Imagine if he got married and had kids and made more stupid people in society. It's too stupid. It's fucking Darwin. Every time a dumb person dies, man, just happy as fuck. I don't care.

Get rid of them. Get rid of the idiots. I'm so sick of stupid people. I mean, he may not be that dumb. He might just be bad at swimming, man. Bad at swimming, bad at drinking. I'm also bad at swimming. That's why I don't swim when I'm drunk or I don't swim ever. Don't go in a river in London.

Yeah. That's fucking disgusting. That's like jumping in the East River. The Thames is awful. The Thames or Thins? I thought it was the Thames. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a shit?

It's not America. Yeah, not America. Yeah, USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! No one is that stupid in the USA, I tell you what!

All right, and with that, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh my god, it's the lightning round with the round table. So we've got Kevin, Kevin, Ed, Joe, Jackie, Thomas, Marcus, Jason. We're gonna go around. We're gonna do a quick lightning round.

Marcus is gonna give points for it. We're gonna keep going. We're gonna ask go around. We're going to do a quick lightning round. Marcus is going to give points for it. We're going to keep going. We're going to ask you questions. You have to remember names. Jason, you need to know names. I've gone over this with everyone else. Thank you. I'll do a holding. We'll do a practice

with you, Jason, to show everybody. No points? Yeah. Who would you murder in a hotel room on the 4th of July? Kathy Ireland came in I was really hoping someone would tell me why Kathy Ireland popped into my head during that question I have no idea why

It was very weird Bingo, Thank you. Mystery solved. Has to be someone in the room? Yeah, has to be someone in the round. Who would I kill in the hotel room? Yeah, on midnight on 4th of July. Has to be a flush of wine. Midnight, 4th of July. A Joe. I'm sorry.

That's how we play the game. That's how we play the game. I'm keeping score. I will give points for each answer, and after the end of every round, I'll tally them up and tell you what your score was. Alright, let's go. Kevin, who would you get a tattoo

of their face on your body? Tattoo of their face on my body? Ed. Alright, Ed. Good choice. Let's go. Ed, who are you going to bury alive? Tom. Alrighty. Jeff. Who are you going to bury alive? Tom. All righty. Joe. Who are you going to betray on a top secret mission?

Thomas. Thomas. All right. Jackie, who are you going to crucify? Kevin. Yeah, fantastic. All right. You're going to drive a car off of the cliff with this gentleman or woman.

I'm going to have to say Ed, because he buried me alive. That's how you got out? He's like, we're going for a ride now. Exactly. I'll teach you. You want to learn about my tattoos? Alright, alright. What about Jason? Oh yeah, that's right. Jason, who are you going to send?

Jackie. The question was, who are you going to send to rehab? Makes sense. Can't keep my first answer. All right. Jason, you get a five because you can tell the future. I like that. Ed, you get a two.

I get a two? You get a two. All right. Ed, you get a two. I get a two? You get a two. All right. Joe, you get a two. I'll take it. Jackie, you get a three. Why three? Why not?

Why not? I just think that Barnett would look sexy as Crucified. Black Jesus. By the way, Ed, you get a two Because you buried alive our guest You can't bury alive our guest It's bad form They can't come back It's real bad form

And I'm adorable Thomas, you get a four because I felt bad for you Yeah, they were beating up on me I felt bad for you That's some hate crime shit right there Okay, okay, let's not get nuts here I betrayed him on a secret mission because I assumed it was him trying to have sex

with a straight boy. And Joe is upgraded to a four. And Kevin, you get a three. Because, you know, Ed's obvious choice. He just wants to keep looking good. That's it. Alright, let's go around the opposite way.

We'll start with Tom. Thomas, who are you going to drown in a bathtub full of pussy juice? Ew. Myself. Jackie, who are you going to keep in a cabin like the movie Misery? Coulter, of course. Fantastic.

That fucking beard. Oh, you're going, of course. Fantastic. That fucking beard, oh, you're going to write me stories? I'm going to hobble you. Joe List, who are you going to defend against the Balrog? I don't know what that means. Creature in Lord of the Rings,

the first Lord of the Rings, the big flame beast. Oh, you were a nerd. I'm not a nerd. I just wear glasses. I'll defend Jackie. She's a woman. Oh, fantastic.

All right, Ed, who are you going to go through basic training with? Oh, Kevin. Oh, fantastic. Someone's got to carry me. Kevin, who are you going to roll up and smoke? Roll up and smoke? That'd be you because the grease would help the flames. Jason, Jason, who's going to perform surgery on you?

You, Holden. Fantastic. Why? Because I've got steady hands. Because I'm sitting close to him, and if it was an emergency, he'd be able to act the quickest. Jason, you get a two, because either way, that's a terrible choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The knives just slip right out of his hand. You never get the grease ball. You just never do. Ed, yeah, yeah. Knives just slip right out of his hand. Yeah, you never get the grease ball. You just never do. Ed, you get a five? Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Joe, you get a six. Hey! We're going to six and my five is the best! No, we go to ten. We go to ten, we're all doing that bad?

Yeah! Yeah, no one's wowed. He's making this up as he goes along! No one has wowed me yet. Wow. I have not gotten wowed. It's making this up as he goes along. No one has wowed me yet. Wow. I have not gotten wowed. It's time to step it up, boys. It is.

You guys are fucking up. Joe, you get a six. Jackie, you get a seven. I have score of the day. You know why? Because I believe it. I believe you would keep Jason in a cat. Exactly.

I believe you. Oh, man, I Jason in a cat. Exactly. I believe you. Oh man, I would squeeze you for ideas in your juices. Jackie gets an A. Thank you, Jackie. You just bring juices into it. Speaking of juices, Thomas, I'm going to change your score. I like your style. You get a seven. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. To be a gay man and drown yourself in pussy juice, it takes courage. Well, yeah. I mean, that's... I would not want to drown in semen. Yeah. All right. This is the final round.

Kevin, you get a six. Six? Nice. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You get a six. That's pretty good. This is the final round.

We got the final round here. We're going to start with Coulter and go back the other way. Coulter, who are you going to turn into a donkey? Ben is not an acceptable answer. Not an acceptable answer. All right, Kevin. Kevin. Kevin Barnett.

I've seen Shrek. Kevin Barnett, who are you going to trade penises with? Trade? Shit. Thomas, I guess, has seen a lot of things I haven't. There you go. I was hoping to say. It's a learning penis.

I thought you were going to say Jackie. I think it's one you ever seen. Ed Larson, who are you going to go trick-or-treating with and then murder at the end of the night for his or her candy? Jackie, absolutely. Because you know how much candy? She's going to get so much candy. Joe Liss, who are you going to discover the Holy Grail

in order to save their life? Oh, jeez. Marcus. Fantastic. He's the one that keeps it together. I was going to depend on his life for anyone on this. 9-11. I'm pretty good with that. 9-11, never forget.

Jackie, you're what? Jackie, who are you going to attempt anal on? Who am I? I mean, I can't say Calder again. You could get kidnapped in a candy store right now. Holden. I'm going to say Holden. Yeah, absolutely.

Because you don't need Lou. I'm going to raise the fucking shit at you. Got to open me up, man. I'm closed off to the world right now How did I not win that one It's too big man I just wanted to rape Holden For this long

But if I could just shove some kind of shrapnel Up into his asshole Alright Thomas Who would make for the best blowjob giving cat I definitely would say Marcus Cause look at that face He's got that kitty face Alright, Thomas. Who would make for the best blowjob giving cat? I definitely would say Marcus, because look at that face. He's got that kitty face. He's got that white face. He could put like four or five dicks in that mouth.

He could put three hot dogs. I love it. I can't wait to see your score and his interpretation of why. That's the best part about the lightning rounds. It's why Marcus gives the points. It's going to be very high or very low. Jason, you get a six.

Fantastic. I can't even remember the question. I don't remember it. It turned into a donkey. You get a six because it made me... I chuckled. It made me laugh. Ed, you get a six. I'll take it. You take it. Ed, you get a six? I'll take it. You take it.

Yeah. Joe, you get an eight. Oh, God. Because no one fucking picked me yet, and I'm pissed off. Can I change my surgery answer? Because you have so many buttons in front of you right now. I feel like you'd be at least somewhat qualified to perform open heart surgery. And your score is upgraded to a four. Thank you, Mark.

But I chose you. I haven't gotten you yet. Wait, did I choose him? No. No, you didn't. But you still get a six. Yeah! I'm a fuck you Holden. We're doing that.

But the bad way. Not like the normal standard way It's going to be metallic And Thomas I thought long about this You get a 7 You don't quite get an 8 Because I would much rather find the holy grail

Than be a blowjob cat I just feel like that face just says sopping up milk. Yeah, right? It does. Look at that with puckers. With those eyes. Right on the money. Fucking bath towel face.

Alright, so we tallied the numbers. Yeah, we gotta talk. Talk amongst yourselves. What Kevin scored, man? Oh, you get a seven. I should be at least an eight, man. I was what Kevin scored. Oh, you get a seven. You get a seven? You get a seven. I should be at least an eight, man.

I was willing to take a dick that's only been inside dude's butts. Come on, man. You get a seven. All right. Because it was a good choice. I respect your choice. You're adventurous. It's great.

Absolutely. All right, so I got gotta tally these up. Do something. You guys ever see a banana naked? A banana naked? Yeah, I've seen one before. You ever have a sex dream about the Chiquita Banana Lady, though? No, no. Have you?

Just her titties. Nothing else. No, it's not the titties. It's like, what does she do with all the fruit? On her head. Yeah. Just goes looking for monkeys. Yeah, man. I'm down. Can I be that for her?

Can I be that for her? I've thought about this. I think it's fake fruit. You think it's fake fruit? Yeah, I've thought about it. Well, it's got to be fake fruit. I mean, she can't have the same hat all the time and that would be fresh fruit. What size do you think her bra is, Jackie?

Oh, man. Me size. And we have the score tallied. And we got a tie. Is there a tiebreaker? Yes. We got a tiebreaker. A face-off.

Who is it? We got a tie between Joe and Thomas. Joe and Thomas. Joe and Thomas. And you did really badly. You came in last, Eddie. I figure as much. I come in last most things I do. Yeah, you did. Jason, you came in second last. I'm so nervous.

And then everyone else was real close. We got a 16 for Kevin, a 17 for Jackie. You almost made it. I was third. What did I get? You got a 16 for Kevin, a 17 for Jackie. You almost made it. What did I get? What did I get? What was my total? You got a 13. I got a 13, or at least I was a plus.

All right, let's do a quick one, too. We're doing a quick tiebreaker. Tiebreaker round. Tiebreaker round. Thomas, who are you going to go shoe shopping with? Kevin, because those feet don't lie. Joe, who are you going to beat to death with your brand new shoes? Jesus.

You know what? I will admit defeat because I have grown to love all of you and I don't want to beat anyone to death with my brand new shoes. That's beautiful. Except for Thomas! Yeah! Joe wins! Joe's the winner!

Joe! Joe! Joe! the winner Joe Joe Joe Joe USA USA USA USA USA

USA USA USA This has been the round table of gentlemen I am Jackie Zabrowski Thomas Stale Holden McNeely Kevin Barnett

With our guests Joe List Jason Coulter Marcus Parkis With the news Ahmed Larson I am Looking forward to and I am looking forward to it!

All right. Fart on yourself! Sorry, you all. I was so close.