The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 65: Murder in the Wind

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Death! It comes to us all. But today on the Round Table, we're obsessed with it. Misquoted rap lyrics, misguided confessions, our last words, and a homemade pair of nunchucks and more on this, the 65th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen. Today features Mr. James Adomian in the Chuckle Hut!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Who's praying today? You praying, bitch? I'm praying,

bitch! Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for allowing me to hang out with such beautiful, wonderful people that I love with all of my soul and all of my heart, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on the greatest podcast of all time, the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Your boobs are certainly grand, your breasts are certainly

fantastic, and I enjoy everything about your suckling morsels. Ladies and gentlemen, amen. Amen. That might have been the first genuine prayer. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Who is everybody on this podcast? Jackie Zabrowski. Yonk. I love

you, Jackie. Oinkie, oink. Ooh, don't be turning me on. Ed Larson. Holden McNally. Kevin Barnett. I'm the very good prayer, Ben Kitzel. And with us in the chuckle hut is the fantastic James Adomian. Hello, James. Hi, how are you, darling?

Good, James. And with us as always, the newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus. Post-op James. He's doing well. He looks fantastic. Post-op pre-rest of my life he's a real chas no no all right marcus parks with the news what do you got for us buddy it

took nearly two decades but the guilt of murder finally became too much for trevell coleman wednesday night after years of living with the burden burden coleman 36 walked into the 25th precinct and shockingly confessed to the very cold case, sources say. The career criminal once signed a superstar rap mogul Sean Diddy Combs' record label, was just 18 when he fatally shot a Queens man outside

an East Harlem housing project in 1993. Ben, why did he do it? Why did he confess? Because... This is why you guys went over it right before the show so you would know things. Why are you starting to throw it to me?

I'll tell the answer. Ben's been talking to me about this all weekend. The guy apparently was in a 12-step rehab program for booze, and then one of the 12 steps was find forgiveness, and so he confessed to the murder and went immediately to jail. Apparently they didn't forgive him.

15 years to life. Jesus Christ. What an idiot. The only evidence against this dude is his own word. Just keep drinking. It'll be fine. Keep drinking. This is why AA destroys lives. Once again, a scam. AA is disgusting.

What a fucking moron. Who would confess to murder? The thing is, he didn't know that he murdered the guy. He walked in just thinking he shot somebody. And then they're like, oh yeah, that dude because he was drunk. He was 18 having a good time. Who doesn't shoot somebody when they're 18 having a good time? That's what you do.

We've all shot somebody. We've all shot somebody. And it's a fun thing to do. and then this poor bastard gets convinced by some fat former alcoholic who no longer has a job. You know these AA meetings? They're disgusting. Yeah, very familiar. Everybody smokes cigarettes, and all they talk about is when they used to get fucked up. They're the most depressing people of all time.

Our good friend Dave, big time listener, he was in an AA six months. And you know what? He got insanely depressed. Now he's drinking beer again. So welcome back, Dave. Welcome back to the good side of life. This poor schmuck. This is the reason that you can...

What world did he think you can just go to the NYPD and be like, I confess to this murder. And they're going to be like, oh, fantastic. Well, thank you so much for coming in. It's like, what reaction did he expect? I would just continue to drink while you're in prison though. Wouldn't that be fine? Prison wine. Toilet wine. It'll be great. Totally. Toilet wine is one of the finest, finest

How do you make toilet wine? Can we Google it? What you do to make toilet wine is you have to get fruit from the commissary and you ferment it. Which is just leave it under your pillow like some sort of liquor fairy is going to come and make it into the thing that makes you happy. You remember the drunk moose?

He ate fermented fruit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got so drunk. They'll also cut ether and stuff like that and drink that shit. Just like a little shot. And you just get trashed off of that. Oh, man. They do it in the auto mechanic shop.

I feel like that's all I would do in prison. Just try to get fucked up. Try to figure out how to get fucked up. In the brewing process, they're like master brewers in their own right. They're real Sam Adams of the prison. If you figure out how to make the perfect liquor cocktail in your toilet,

super popular guy. You think they're like, we send scouts to find the finest commissary items for our brood. Apple cores and banana peels. The vineyard must be beautiful. That would be a better way to give up drinking is to only drink prison wine, even if you're not in prison.

I think it's Mad Dog 2020. Y'all drank MD 2020 before? I loved it. I took a sip. What is it? I don't know about took a sip. Oh, my God. What is it? I don't know about this. Oh, Mad Dog 2020.

Is it like Mike's Hard? No. Oh, no. Hold on. We can't bring up Mike's Hard lemonade. Is it like Mike's Hard? Sure not, Vice. The first thing I ever got drunk off was a Zena.

Oh, really? Zema. Zema, yeah. I ended up pissing in the fire having a i've had a dog like marshmallows off my balls so don't drink zima don't worry it's not around anymore thank christ did you ever drink the mike's hard lemonade i drank the mike's hard i think the first thing i got drunk off of though was ice house which is like a bullet to the brain it's so bad this is great oh i ate it i couldn't believe because you know, like, beer was just bad back then, no matter

what. So, like, beer. Beer. Ew. You should walk into a police station and just confess to drinking Ice House 20 years ago. They'll probably give you 15 to life. It is disgusting.

I remember actually thinking that Ice House was a good beer. It was a good beer. Yeah, that was the beer. The marketing campaign behind it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we used to steal beer, we could have stolen any beer. But when we stole beer, we stole Ice House and Red Dog. Yeah, we requested Ice House.

I used to drink Red Dog all the time. It was awful. I feel like that's the reason you got away with it. They're thieves, but they're humble. They're good people at the same time. I found chunks of hamburger patty in an Ice House one time. No way. I love it.

That's nasty beer, dude. Oh, an ice house one time. No way. I love it. That's nasty beer, dude. Oh, that would be so perfect. Beef beer. Beef, they could call it. Did you just get hard, Ben? Yeah, if I could somehow drink a beer that had meat in it, I would never have to do anything else with my life. You wouldn't need a girlfriend anymore.

Coors Light Beef Beer. Oh, it's so good. It's literally the banquet beer, and then it's a dinner, and it's a beer. Oh, it's fun. It's literally the banquet beer. And then it's a dinner and it's a beer. Oh, it's fun. It's what's for playoffs. What would be the best meat in beer? It's got to be beef. Pork. Sausage. Bacon. Dick. Bacon, beef.

Or dick. Stir it around. Get that top frothy. Well, you have like different goals than the rest of us, man. All one. All one. All one love. James, what was the first alcoholic beverage you ever consumed?

I think it must have been Goldschlager. Oh! Spoken like a true gay man. Unbelievable. I will only drink things with shreds of things that came from things

that people mind. It was awful. It was Goldschlager and tequila over several, you know, weekends. You know what?

Don't drink either of those anymore. Now that you mention tequila, that's actually the first thing I ever got drunk off. 18 shots of tequila over several weekends. Don't drink either of those anymore. Now that you mention tequila, that's actually the first thing I ever got drunk off. 18 shots of tequila. And I called all of my brother's friends and I said, you don't like me. You don't like me. And I cried. I love booze. Dude, I'm telling you, I got a body for it. I can just drink and drink and drink.

Welcome back, Dave! Fuck yeah, man! Fuck AA! The ultimate enabler. This man is the ultimate enabler. AA fucking sucks. Grabbing people and putting them back on the barstool physically. Fucking enabling his friend from states away. States away. Could you heroically burst into an AA meeting with guns blaring?

Like, come with me. I just want to show up in an AA meeting with guns blaring, but they're not guns. There's t-shirt guns, and I got a fucking little shooter girl with me, and I'm like, who wants to have not a terrible time? I know where you can get free shirts and some free booze. Follow me. I'd be the drunk pied piper, and I'd take him to cheap shots, and I'd be like, you're not leaving until you puke, dude.

You're not leaving until you puke. You just want to be Duff Man. Duff Man. Oh, man. You'd be a great Duff Man. I'm a little too fat, though. Duff Man's so buff. Duff is buff. You could look buff if you have a tight enough outfit on.

Yeah, if we just move the fat around. In that suit, you almost look like you're a dude who's in shape. Suiter Day. It's Saturday Suit Day. He's wearing an 18-piece suit right now. For no reason. It's from Jay Billis. From Jay Billis? What is that? He's the ESPN

commentator for college basketball. Oh, you guys don't know him? No. You went to his estate sale or something? I did a commercial that he was doing. He was selling KFC's new chicken poppers, and I showed up as his body double, and my hand was in the shot, so that's pretty fucking good. And the

thing was, I don't have a suit. And I said, Jay, that suit looks so good on you. He's like, oh, do you want it? And I said, no, Jay, I couldn't take your suit. And then he said, are you sure? And I said, oh, you know. And then I kept on eating the cheese and I was so sad. And I was eating so much cheese that he just gave me the suit. What the fuck are you talking about?

The commercial, man! The commercial that I did, Jackie! In the commercial, he gives you the suit? No, in real life, he gave me the suit. He just gave you a suit. Yeah, because it wasn't his suit. It's the Calvin Klein suit. You see, because Ben does this thing

where he trips through life and people just help him and constantly give him things. At the men's warehouse, if you come in and eat enough cheese, you're going to walk out with a wonderful suit. You're going to like how fat you feel. I guarantee it!

I'm loving it! KB, what's the first thing you ever drunk on? I think it was just the Bud Light, man. I just thought it was weak. It wasn't anything ridiculous. That's not right. I love this guy for confessing to the police, though. I really think we live in a corrupt justice system.

If you can't confess to a murder 20 years later, I mean, theoretically, he already did his time. Had the cops done their job and actually busted him when he murdered him, he would be out of prison already. Can't he plead some kind of double jeopardy? Be like, I know I wasn't charged the first time, but it already happened, so can't I just, like, double jeopardy? I don't know if you can just yell that and it works.

I think if you scream double jeopardy, then it's fine. Eddie, if you had to go back... The 17th Amendment. If you scream double jeopardy, all charges are dropped. All charges are dropped. Eddie, if you had to go back... The 17th Amendment. If you scream double jeopardy, all charges are dropped. All charges are dropped. Eddie, if you had to go back in time... Oh, I'm sorry. Hold on.

I was just going to say, doesn't he feel like he's now on the right side of things? I mean, you said he was racked with guilt. Maybe he feels like he's on the right side of the bars now. He should be serving his time. I guarantee you he's regretting his decision. I'm sure. He's also racked up more than 25 arrests since 2003 for drugs, burglary, and grand larceny.

So he would have been fine if he just confessed to those. Yeah, man. Why do you have to confess to the big ones? 95% honest. And his rapper name is G-Dep. G-Dep? G-Dep. What does that mean? G-Dep is only going to be in jail for 15 years. Hello! Jackie, I love you. Let's get married.

Eddie, if you had to confess to one crime that you did in your life that you never got busted for, what crime would it be? Why would I do that over there? Well, Ed, we're not the police. We're not going to arrest you. We're on a podcast, not broadcast. Anything goes. You're right.

I guess, I don't know. I think I might have gotten busted for everything I did. Oh, I sold a lot of rolls. I sold a lot of rolls. The illegal drug selling you think you're busted for. Exactly how many rolls and what were the dates of the sellings of those rolls? Don't answer that, Ed. Try to answer it.

We literally all just got busted with weed last week and we have to find somebody to turn in to the cops. Otherwise, we have to go to jail for two weeks. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't have any more. Okay. I'm out. Good. Good, Eddie. Check with me in a week. Oh, hell yeah, man. I would love to do some roles again. What are roles? That's just

ecstasy, right? It's just a whole bunch of drugs mixed together and they call it ecstasy. I love it. Isn't that the craziest part about ecstasy when you have to look at it and they're like, oh, if you see darker spots and it's more heroin that's in it, if you see darker spots and it's more heroin that's in it, and if you see other things and that's it. That sounds like

bullshit. I think all ecstasy is bullshit. It's terrifying. It's all just a mix. And I was talking to someone too. I was talking to someone too. I've never done coke. I've never done heroin. I've never done this. I've never done that. All I did was rolls. All I did was rolls.

I was like, well, you did all of it then. You did everything. To me, heroin... All I did was rolls. Tons of rolls. Judgmental fuck. I feel like shooting up is definitely doing it. Snorting oxy to me is not doing heroin. Because you did that.

No snorting oxy. Jackie just squeezed one of her nostrils. Oh, I've done it. I know how to do it. This snorting on us. No, Jackie just squeezed one of her nostrils. It's a snorting. Oh, I've done it. I know how to do it. This is the one I use. Oh, it always has an open flow. I call it the old straw nose.

Oh, man. That's mean for me. Is that mean? Jackie. No. I don't have a straw nose. I use $100 bills. Good for you, Jackie.

To purchase the drugs that I snort with $1 bills. Good for you, Jackie. To purchase the drugs that I snort with one dollar bills. She's just trying to snort it with a bent up quarter. I can't roll this quarter. I got ecstasy in Minneapolis, but it turned out it was crack. And that was pathetic. I was with Dave, who's out of AA now. Welcome back, Dave. It's crack-stasy.

It's crack-stasy. I was like, can we get some ecstasy? He's like, yeah, yeah, come with me. We go to a bus stop. The guy takes something out of his mouth, and it's crack. And he's like, oh, in Minneapolis, we call crack ecstasy. I think I've told the story before. But it's always a good retelling.

I mean, I think it's one of the more extreme things you've ever done. I don't remember this story. I like it. Yeah, smoking crack on the way back. Going back to Menominee Stout, I didn't have any money. Ben smoked crack. That's right, Ben did smoke crack. Smoking crack in a gas station where my car's running out of gas.

I have no money. We pull into a gas station, and I'm like, oh, man, pump it up, dude, and we're just going to get out of here. Before we could get out, the gas attendant ran out and was like, oh, I hope you're not thinking about leaving. And I'm like, of course not. So I had to call my mother and get her credit card number over the phone at 3 a.m. It was sad. Dude, watch some episodes of Intervention. I don't do it anymore.

Are you sure? I'm fine. Just watch those episodes to learn what. I don't do it anymore. Are you sure? I'm fine. Just watch those episodes to learn what you need to avoid to get caught. James, what's the hardest drug you've ever done? Oh, man. I did everything by accident. Yeah, that's what they all say. Yeah, I did opium by accident a couple times.

Opium's a lot of fun. Opium's fun, yeah. I've done coke intentionally. I just fell on this cock. That was very intentionally. You were very avid about doing the coke. Yeah, you don't really... Let's get coke! You. Opium's fun, yeah. I've done coke intentionally. I just fell on this cock. That was very intentionally. You were very avid about doing the coke. Yeah, you don't really... Let's get coke.

You know exactly what you're doing. Let's get the coke. Let's get the coke. Coke, coke, coke. Coke, coke, coke, coke, coke, coke. I actually didn't... I smoked crystal meth. This becomes one long word.

Oh, how was meth? I smoked crystal meth accidentally because I thought it was like a pot bong that was being passed around and it got to me and like... Out of a bong? Yeah. And I took a big rip

of what I thought was marijuana and it just tasted like plastic and then I passed it to my stoner friend and she was like no thanks and I was immediately

something's wrong and I was like what is it and she's like that's crystal meth and I just went like mmhmm like nodded my head

like I was the coolest guy in the world that explains why my insides my insides feel like Tupperware right now that explains the whole feeling. Crystal meth is a fantastic way to clean up your house.

It was a 12 hour up all night situation. It was crazy. Were you compelled to beat off a lot? Well, with people. So you were definitely compelled. It was more like sex acts, I suppose. Oh, you just had sex for 12 hours?

Not 12 hours straight. No, yeah, yeah. Oh, you just had sex for 12 hours? Not 12 hours straight, but... No, gay, obviously. 12 hours gay. Yeah, 12 hours of this unbelievable gay sex. Which is like eight straight hours. Whoa, man. Wow. That's crazy.

That's hot stuff. How much jizz did you ingest? No, it was like there was girls and boys. It was just like a crazy meth fuck party thing. That sounds so filthy. I could barely work my job for eight hours. Yeah, trip and get your dicks done.

You could work for a lot longer on meth, my friend. That's so crazy. When you looked at the girl, she's like, no, thank you, I don't do meth. No, thank you, I don't do meth. Yeah, exactly. That's funny.

Did you regret it afterwards? Did you have a good time? No, I had a great time I haven't gone out of my way to do it again because other things are so readily available I don't know, why would you ever need to smoke meth? It's like being on a rollercoaster when it's done you're like, I don't have to do that again but in the middle you're like, I'm just going to enjoy the ride for what it is

and it's scary That's a fun way to tell it, but it was more like rocking back and forth like does this mean i'm evil now like yeah for the longest time i would just take hallucinogens and sweat and be like oh that was the workout for me you know but it's really not it's amazing how many places i've done drugs like hard drugs in that would be wonderful set pieces for like a less than zero or like train spotting or something. You just always end up doing hard drugs like, were there wallpapers peeling?

Oh, yeah. Somebody's mattress is on the floor. There was this house that was just ran by kids back in high school. There were no parents, but somehow these kids just ran this house, and then one day, we got word

that at the house that we all went and did drugs at, they stole two nitrous tanks from the hospital, and so there were two giant nitrous tanks. Awesome. It's a series of elderly people in miserable pain. I thought I saw four of my friends die. There was this, like, it was so,

the biggest nitrous balloon. So big. Oh, my Lord. What does nitrous do to you? It just makes you fucking all giggly and shit. Yeah, it's like a pause from the rational world. Yeah, it's hippie crack. It's fun.

Oh, it's like sativa. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. It's a lot more wild than that. You just can't help but, your voice gets all deep, and then you just like. You do that for like 20 seconds seconds and then you're normal again. What was it? With the big balloon? The crackers?

Oh yeah, of course. Is that the same thing? Yeah, it's the same thing. Except we had a fucking huge tank. Oh, that sounds like a good time. You thought you saw them die? What was going on when you thought they were dying? Oh, my three friends turn blue and pass out in front of me. Thought they died.

Kind of looked like they died. James, you ever have a friend die on you? No, but this would be a really fun forum to talk about. It would. Has anybody had a friend die? I may have walled up an enemy or two inside of a brick wall. I've had a friend die. You've never had a friend

die, Ben? I only had one guy. His name was Paul. He was fantastic. He was super nice. He jumped off a mountain in Utah. But he was 20. But that's pretty much it. I don't really have any good friend deaths. Oh, really? I don't even think he particularly liked me.

Were you with him? No, man. He was just in Utah taking mushrooms. He was really? I don't even think he particularly liked me. Were you with him? No, man. He was just in Utah taking mushrooms. He was depressed, I guess. He came from a lot of money and then he jumped off a mountain. You have an actual person you know that did the jump off a cliff tripping ball story? The thing was, he always fancies himself a romantic.

Truthfully. He wrote a very long suicide letter. I think he thought he was going to get published like the dude for Confederacy of Dunces and truthfully he wrote a very long suicide letter. I think he thought he was going to get published like the dude for Confederacy of Dunces who offed himself. But the book didn't Penguin didn't pick it up, which is sad. But that's pretty much it.

I want to meet the editor who's like, yeah, I'm the random house editor for guys who off themselves. That was the department that he sent it to. So I don't know. Marcus, who was the friend that you knew that killed himself? Did he get hit by a cow

while crossing the street? No, he was on a motorcycle and someone ran a red light and killed him. Was it sad? Yeah, it was extremely sad. I don't know how close they were! I've never heard! Yeah, we were pretty close, yeah.

How old were you when that happened? 21. We were both like 21, 20, or maybe 22. It was in college. And he got hit by a bus? No, just some woman who ran a red light. He was on his motorcycle. What happened to the person who ran a red light? Oh, she was on foot. Fast.

She was fast. What happened to the person who killed him? Did they go to jail? Were they drunk? Yeah, I think she went to jail. She did? Yeah. Was she drunk? That's devastating.

Yeah. My buddy killed somebody in a drinking and driving accident recently, and I feel so bad for him. Recently? And he only became your buddy after he killed somebody. Why did you not tell me about this? No, I mean, it was like, it's so sad, man. He was just driving drunk, Wisconsin Backstreet.

Do you know how those streets are? Same thing with Florida. Oh, yeah. We all know. You've got to drive drunk. No, I'm telling you. They paved the whole fucking place. Cheese holes everywhere.

It's fantastic. Only Dave knows that. Do you think he should go to AA or you're absolutely against it? He's in prison, man. He's drinking the fuck out of some of the sweetest hooch. Prison's the ultimate AA. If I know Jim as well as I think I do, he is running that goddamn prison scoring with all the hot

dudes who look miley like women with that sweet, sweet hooch that he's making in his fucking piss toilet. That's what I want to know. How can I keep my body hair trimmed if I go to prison or something? James, if you go to prison, it's what I would call heaven for you. Because you will do a fake heaven.

I don't like getting raped. No, no, no. I thought that's what gay men did. I thought it heaven for you. I don't like getting raped. No, no, no. I thought that's what gay men did. I thought it was all rape. You ever been raped? Technically. Yeah. Whatever the definition is, that works.

Why are you asking me serious questions? What's going on? You're asking about our friends who died? Who's been raped? I'm thinking about my friends that are dead. I hope that you should think about them more because that's the only thing that's keeping them alive. They're dead!

They're not coming back! I think it's a fascinating story. Jackie, they are coming back. If you think about them hard enough, they'll come back. If you cry tonight, they'll come back. She'll come back if you cry tonight. If you cry and feel lonely, she'll come back. If you think about them hard enough, they'll come back. If you cry tonight, they'll come back. She'll come back if you cry tonight. If you cry and feel lonely, she'll come back. I'll never cry.

She's never going to come back. Jesus Christ. I had a trophy shoved up my ass. Oh, that's good. Good one. That's more sodomized than raped. Yes, Ben had a trophy when he was And I stick a few fingers in there when I shower

It was perfectly consensual I loved every second of it Alright Marcus, let's move Big ass fingers you got Jackie, what is wrong with you? I'm just, I'm verklempt Why? Why do you have to feel your breasts when you're upset?

I love when she's verklempt Holy lord She was doing that at work all day long Just like touching her teeth And then serving people muffins and coffee That's dirty man Good tips There's one of the milks too

In the canister It just says Jackie I can't get near that one Sometimes I lay my breasts up on the canister. Jackie, don't do that right now in front of me. And they're just like, What can I get for thee?

My cigarettes! Alright, Mark is in happier news. What's the other story? A man used the lyrics of a violent rapper to boast about killing his girlfriend on Facebook three days before he fatally shot her, police have said. Woody Borgella posted, quote, I smell murder

where the wind blows. What else does create the worst where the wind blows everywhere? On the social networking site before allegedly killing Laura Ann Evans in her apartment in Brooklyn, New York, this is a song by DMX and 50 Cent called Shot Up.

Here's the actual lyrics. Let's see here. Niggas like me might rush your apartment. Blood stains will fuck up your carpet. Brain on the window. I smell murder every time that the wind blow. Tie him to the chair and then knock out his chin bone. I love how...

I love that rap. Did he also tie somebody to the chair and knock out the chin bone? So he misquoted rap lyrics about murdering someone before he murdered somebody. That's beautiful. That's the real crime. Man, you know what the best part is? In this article,

they wrote everything, and they actually wrote the word niggas, but they didn't write fuck. They just put asterisks. Well, that's the... What are these niggas doing? I want to know. Niggas is gone to hell, man. It's out the expletive book.

It's gone. Oh, my God. I'm getting onto the subway, and a white dude, all Yankees gear just like randomly, excuse me nigga, talking to a black group of black dudes coming onto the subway. It was weird. And I was like, I don't think that's right.

And the entire subway ride over after the show last night, the entire ride over to Bowling Green, it was the black dudes being like is that appropriate? They were like cerebral conversation. The thing is, nowadays niggas don't know. ride over to Bowling Green and there was the black dudes being like, is that appropriate? They were like, they had this very cerebral conversation about it.

The thing is, nowadays, niggas don't know. And the guy was a total meathead, juicehead, like douchebag and they were just like,

they didn't get upset but they were just like, what are the social ramifications of him saying that to us as the entrance to the subway? As politely as possible.

It was bizarre. Asking for help. And then they both, they all three just settled on Ah he was drunk But also he wasn't saying it In a derogatory way The guy was such a douche bag

He thought he was being cool I assure you this man is racist They should have beaten him up anyway No I mean he was big with women He had all these hot blonde chicks around him Oh he should have beaten him up and taken the women. Raped them off the side of the track. See, that's a lot more racist.

I would have said that whether they were black or whether they were right. If they were fucking the big blonde bosom women. Jesus, Jackie, stop touching your kids. Stop grabbing your breasts. What's going on? She's like, those black guys would have been in their rights to just rape those white women that had not been in the story at all. Exactly, man.

What if they were on a whole hiatus? What if they were outside of that shit? That's the thing. Then beat them up too. I don't care. I feel like if you're black, though, you can get away with rape. If you're raping a white chick,

and you just scream, my best friend is black! You know, because then it seems like she's racist. Devil Jeopardy! You know what I'm saying? You never know this rule? I don't even understand anything that you just said. You punch somebody in the face, dude. You punch somebody in the face.

All you say is, my best friend is black. After you punch them in the face, the implication is they said something racist and then you're allowed to do whatever you want to them. You're right, Ben. This is a classic technique. You can't just say shit that doesn't make sense and expect us to believe it because you're wearing a suit, man. It's a purple suit. The thing is, that's a fact.

That's a good way to get out of a high school fight situation. Oh, man. Good old Ben with your fake facts. Yeah. Flying purple people, literally. It is a fact. It's not a fact. It is fact It's not a fact It is It's not a fact

Alright email Well here's a fact Here's a fact about This guy About Borgiella He doesn't even Let's see here This was

By the way Good topless pic though Yeah great topless Yeah great topless pic He is definitely Wow Yeah yeah He's got some pecs going on

Oh he's ripped Yeah and he's And this is his MySpace profile, by the way. Nice dude tits. So the guy's still on MySpace. Still has them. In fact, his MySpace page has the words, quote, take a good look because I'm going straight to the top of his profile. Whilst on his Facebook page, it says his motto is expected the unexpected.

I didn't even fuck that up. That's exactly what it's expected the unexpected. I didn't even fuck that up. That's exactly what it's... Expected the unexpected. He also lists his religion as Christian and says his job is a mailroom manager. He's got a good job. He is going right to the top. That's a pretty good job. That's not bad at all.

Why did he kill his girlfriend, does it say? It does indeed say why. Let's see here. Let me find it. In a videotaped confession, he is said to have admitted the murder after she accused him of cheating on her. He, in turn, accused her of stealing his marijuana stash.

That's it? Yeah. And her first name is Miss. Her name is Miss Evans. Her first name is Miss. Her last name is Evans. Miss Evans, are you here? Her name is Laura Ann Evans. That's the way the Brits

do it. This is from the Daily Mail. She stole the weed. Not appropriate. We're talking about over the seas and we're not talking about that spontaneous combustion that you were talking about the other day. We already talked about that on the last

podcast on the left. We can talk about it we can talk about it now let me give a little bit of backstory as far as the spontaneous combustion goes is that uh a man in uh the in ireland uh spontaneously combusted he uh there was whenever they found his body his body was completely charred and all they saw was uh it was charred all around his body, just like in a circle, and the ceiling right above him. But no fire anywhere else, no other foul play. The coroner ruled. Cause of death, spontaneous human combustion.

First recorded case of it in 20 years. Yeah, man. Awesome. Was it really hot, or were you running in place or something? That's why I don't move It typically happens whenever people are alone And it typically happens to Very very lonely

Does it happen in a restaurant or anything? No, people who are very lonely Usually smokers, drinkers And people who are standing near fireplaces or chimneys And what better place to drink and smoke Than near a fireplace? Near a fireplace, of course. But yeah, that's what happened with the spontaneous combustion.

Interesting. I think it's pretty great, though, that the coroner can... His final result is that it's spontaneous combustion when, in reality, they can't prove that it exists yet. No, they did. It's proven. Yeah, but they don't know how it happens. No, they don't know how it happens.

There are some theories. There's a bunch of legitimate theories. Yeah, but they don't know how it happens. No, they don't know how it happens. There are some theories. There's a bunch of legitimate theories. There's not one that's pinpointed. Have you heard about also recently the particle that scientists made move faster than the speed of light? No, the news hasn't gotten to me yet. Which means E equals MC squared

may be wrong. Might be disproving all of the theory of relativity, if it's true. I was thinking, it seems like every time there's big science news, all it is is like, hey, guess what everybody thought was true is no longer any true anymore. Yeah, that's what science is all about, man. They just keep disproving stuff, so stop believing in things. Kevin, what are some issues with spontaneous combustion? They thought the world was flat.

I was just reading shit off when I saw that article, too. But it's like there's chemicals in the body that can ignite methane. There's methane, ethanol, all that shit. If you're fat and you twist your fat and jiggle it up and liquefy it enough. And then fart a bunch. They did say that. It smells like murder is in the wind whenever Eddie farts.

Oh man, I was fucking... What was your fart joke earlier? I liked it. Hey, what do you call a whore who farts? What? A prostitute. So that's kind of fun to think about. Kind of fun.

Kind of fun. Winning jokes for a Friday afternoon. It's just the methane in the body that forces you to combust. Is that all it is, Skippy? Yeah, I mean, I'm just saying I just read shit off of when I read about it. But when you read things, you memorize and you know things. When I read stuff, I'm just like, that is not porn. You're just saying because Kevin's smarter than you are.

Yeah, of course Kevin's smarter than me. Everyone's smarter than me. Oh, man. I love it, man. Yeah, you have to. You're the latter. You just get sad. Yeah, that's true. So does it happen to mostly fat people internally combust? No, there's not really any specific body type or anything like that.

It's just people. Is there a way to harness this energy? Possibly. Into an internal spontaneous combustion engine. That would be amazing. Fashionist sort of rickshaw. That would definitely be the way to go out, though. I think that's great.

I'd rather have to dine in my sleep. That's kind of like an Obi-Wan Kenobi way to go. I really hope that's how Holden dies. Yeah, for sure. Hey, guys, look what I can do. I feel like we would just end up finding him dead, though. I don't want to have to see Holden's corpse after he's dead. See, that's the thing. I want everyone to see it.

I'm going to make it a point for you. We can all make it. Yeah, exactly. I want them to take my corpse and stick a spear up through my ass and out my neck. Like Hannibal Colicost. Exactly. I'll take care of that. Just so everyone knows, Jackie just Like Hannibal Colicost? Exactly. I'll take care of that. Just so everyone knows,

Jackie just said Hannibal Colicost. You are a piece of shit, Marcus. I love you, Jackie. So how do you want to go? You want to stick up your anus? Yeah, put a spear up my ass and out my mouth. That's not how I want to die. It's just how I want to be displayed at the funeral. And then you have

to hug me for five... Everyone has to then you have to hug me for five, everyone has to get in line and hug me for five minutes. That's not a tradition in anybody's family. Hug the body? Exactly, hug the body. I totally got you, don't worry about it. That's going to be my fucking dude for the show. I'll have a good time just ramming that spear.

All my ex-girlfriends have to come and be, all my ex-girlfriends have to come and be bottomless. Only bottomless. With a shirt on and come up and hug me. Who are you, like a pharaoh or something? You would think, it turns out, he was working in a mail room. Bring them before me. You realize you have no authority over anybody.

That's the thing. I'll have to figure out some kind of spell or something I can put on people to make them do it. You'll do it. Oh, thank you. Right? I wish. I'll have to figure out some kind of spell or something I can put on people to make them do it. You'll do it. Oh, thank you. I would love it. Marcus, if you died, you want open casket or closed casket? I'd say open. Well, it depends on the manner in which I die. If you internally combust, what are you going for?

Well, I'm going to go for closed casket. Whoa, man, don't deny me. If I internally, oh, you want to see my charred corpse? I want to see the makeup put over your charred corpse. You want to see the lips? You want to see the... Put the putty on me and just like... They just put like a bank robber's Nixon mask over him.

They don't even try. I know you can trust him. That's terrifying. A charred corpse with a Nixon mask? Don't go to that funeral having withdrawn from any heroin or anything. He will not be missed. I just can't wait

to get out of this room. So, finish up the funeral. There he is. And adios! There he goes. It'd be fun to do like, oh, what's that movie? Oh, fuck.

I can't think of it. My Girl? My Girl, exactly. Go out with the Beast Fings. It would be fantastic. Do you guys really have a connection there? You got what My Girl was? No, I can't think of it. My Girl? My Girl, exactly. Go out with the Beast Fings. It would be fantastic. Just Beast Fing? Do you guys really have a connection there? You got what My Girl was?

No, I was thinking of a totally different movie. I was just thinking of Dead People and Dan Aykroyd. The one where... What? I was thinking of Dan Aykroyd. I love you! No, but the one where Dan Aykroyd's a judge. The one where they have to go...

Oh, Nothing But Trouble. Nothing But Trouble. It'd be great to go through the roller coaster ride to be disposed of your corpse yeah and then the two fat guys like will what was it Bobo and

Bobo and Bobo and something else yeah we're so funny Dan Aykroyd played what did he play two or three different roles because he played the judge

and he also played one of the fat guys John Candy was the woman right John Candy was the woman John Candy played three roles I love John Candy Dan Aykroyd played two and that movie sucked. John Candy was the woman, right? John Candy was the woman in the band. John Candy played three roles. I love John Candy. John Candy played two. And that movie sucked. And that movie sucked. By the way, do you guys

know who was in that movie? Tupac Shakur. Oh yeah, he was dancing in the background with Digital Underground. He's just a background actor? Yeah, he was in the whenever Digital Underground got arrested and taken before the court and they sang the song in order to be free again. Which is a reason. That's what that

Travelle character should have done. Confess to the murder that he did 20 years ago and then sing a song. Put a big fake nose on it and talk about this. It would have been great. They would have let him go. It would have been. That's the power of music. And you know what? I got a jail story for you guys. Let's do it! Lorenzo

Pollard, 31, escaped a medium story for you guys. Let's do it. Lorenzo Pollard, 31, escaped a medium security facility in St. Louis after fighting off some dozen guards with homemade nunchucks fashioned from bed sheets and a chair. I love it! Yes! Good, I'm glad he's free!

He used the weapon to smash through glass blocks and then scaled two razor and barbed wire fences to make his escape. So he's all slashed up by the time he got over. That's awesome! Oh, he deserves to be free. He definitely deserves to be free. Is he still free?

No, he was recaptured two days ago. That's fucked up! They should let him stay free! Let him go. That is such a great feat! They caught him with a bunch of scythes and ninja stars. Send him to Peru! I should not have other dining room material. They caught him with a bunch of scythes. Just shut up. Shut up in Peru. I should not have other dining room material.

Or why not capture him and then turn him into the world's most ultimate killer? Yeah, man. You don't know. Maybe that's exactly what they did. Reprogram. Why aren't more prosecutors offering that plea bargain? All right, we'll let you out of prison if you become a hired assassin. There's actually a comic book called Suicide Squad, which is exactly that premise.

Holden, if you were a warden of a prison, what would you do with the most badass prisoners? What would you do to entertain the masses? Well, first of all, I'd be named King Duke. What would I do to entertain the masses? I want to watch it, man. I'm lonely. It's Saturday. There's nothing going on.

Don't like college football. I want to see a couple man. I'm lonely. It's Saturday. There's nothing going on. Don't like college football. I want to see a couple of ex-cons doing something on the big screen. Just going at it in that kind of way. It's going to be hard not to have some kind of death fight. Well, no, not necessarily. It could be a positive game of Scrabble. Or maybe a marriage.

I'm open to anything. I'm in the mood to cry. Let me ask you, now that gay marriage is legal, can prisoners get married in jail? I don't know. James? Yeah, why not, right? Why not?

It's still a pretty uphill climb for the stigma and all that stuff. I mean... They have to be two big dudes. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's easy to do. Oh, man. Oh, man. If they get married in jail, do they get to share a cell or no? Oh wow, so many options.

This is the show. Prison love. Prison love. That's the show. Have you seen Locked Up? They've got that. Except it was a man and a woman. The woman was in the female part of the prison and he was in the male part of the prison.

And they never got to have sex with each other. They had conjugal visits. Occasionally, but they couldn't really love each other when they needed it most. But they loved each other the most because they had to go up those hills to love each other. You're telling me walking through a whole series of white supremacists to find the one that you love isn't an uphill battle? It's tough out there in the prison yard. You don't know anything about prison. I've been there.

No, you haven't. I watched Scared Straight, though. Okay. know anything about prison. I've been there. No, you haven't. I watched Scared Straight though. Okay. And I will say, none of those prisoners looked like they were scared straight. Man, the newer

seasons of Scared Straight are fucking bullshit. They don't scare those fucking kids. Those kids are laughing at them afterwards. The first ones were awesome, man. Hold my pocket! Hold my pocket, motherfucker! Hold my pocket? Yeah, pocket, motherfucker. Hold my pocket? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They pull his pocket. That's how you know who's their bitch. They'll pull their pocket out of their pants, and they'll make their bitch hold their pocket while they walk down the hall. Get out of here, will you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. That's just to show who you own.

It's the closest thing they have to a purse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, hold my pocket. That is such a great bitch move. It is, man. Oh, man. I gotta do that. I gotta do that to a purse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you hold my pocket. That is such a great bitch move. It is, man. Oh, man. I gotta do that. I gotta do that to my intern.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Why aren't you holding Marcus' pocket? You're gonna hold my pocket now? Oh, you don't want to hold Eddie's pocket. It's all wet. Oh, yeah, hold on. You could just slip a finger into my pocket

so you don't have to hold Eddie's pocket. It's so bad because prison is dehumanizing enough, but then to be dehumanized by people who are already being dehumanized, it must be just terrible. It's the best. Not to have any power in a place where you have no power

must just be so depressing. You've got to get buff, man. You've got to fight back. Do you? Because I watched Lockup, and there was a real scrawny dude, about 5'3", who was like Napoleon over the place. Look, sometimes you can come to a mutual arrangement, too. you gotta fight back. Do you? Because I watched Lockup and there was a real scrawny dude about five foot three who was like Napoleon

over the place. Look, sometimes you can come to a mutual arrangement too. It's not always like, what a horrible thing. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes you can be like, alright, let's face facts here.

We're like sailors at sea. Yeah. Oh man, have you ever seen Lady Vengeance? No, no, no, I haven't. Oh man, it's all about women in a Japanese prison.

Or just a couple of young sailors. Yeah, if you remove the rape aspect. Prison is fun if you just make believe. Just like... Just like pretend that we're not here. It's sort of cute. You'll be ultimate warrior and I'll be Iron Sheik. And we'll just wrestle around.

We'll just wrestle it. Oh, I love it, man. You would do well in prison. Yeah, I got all kinds of schemes. If you ever go to prison, I'm going to go to prison and I want to be with you. James, I can't be gay in the outside world because I'm not gay enough because there's women around. But if there was no women around, my friend,

I would love to have you inside of me. You're welcome, James. What is the least morally offensive crime we could commit? We'd just be able to spend two months together. Steal a cop car. Oh, that might be six to eight months. We might not like each other. That's a good joyride, though.

Yeah. That's fun, though. That's a good way to go to jail. Stealing a cop car. Yeah, stealing a cop car. Two months breaking and entering. Breaking and entering. Perfect. So I'll break into your place and then you call the cops on me

and then you have weed on you. There'll be an altercation and you know. No, you guys break into my place. I'll call the cops. Oh, good. We'll get a live fire gun. We'll get a live fire gun with only two bullets just to make it all realistic. I'll tell you, given my unhealthy diet

Over the past 30 years of my life You will fit nicely My butt is large And with that we have a segment from Holden McNeely In my butthole Alright, segment today Has a lot to do with death We've been talking about death a lot today

The segment is What's your famous last words So let's say tomorrow Less to do with jail. We've been talking about death a lot today. The second one is, what's your famous last words? So let's say tomorrow, you go into the hospital and check on those nodes you've been feeling up in your inner ear. Oh, is that in your throat? Yeah, you've been feeling some nodal lumps. And they say,

you've got three weeks to live, buddy. Cut to three weeks later. We're like three weeks from tomorrow. You're fucking bleeding out of your ass, and you're fucking puking and shit, and you're skinny as fuck. Why is this how I have to die? This is the way you're dying in this scenario, man, for your fucking words, bro. Your ass blood, dude. This totally changes my answer. That's the thing.

Yeah, you fucking got blood. I mean, that's the thing. My last words would be like, oh, my ass with the blood. And then my butt. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're fucking sweating milk and weird shit's going on. Just like, yeah. Green shit's coming out of your corners of your eyes.

And they're like, oh, what's your last words? And I'll start. I think what I would do is I would grab my family. My mother, my father, and my brother would all come into the room. Then I'd call for the oldest nurse in the hospital to come in. I would ring for the bell. Ring the bell for the oldest nurse to come in. I'd just fucking feel up on her titties and fucking make out with her and shit.

Then I'd point at my brother and be like, this is your real mother. That's the one. She's it. I don't want you to fucking know that shit. And then I'll maybe a couple more tit feels just for my own peace of mind. I'd die. What?

These segments are always just confessions. I like the way he licked his lips like, yeah, that's the way it's gonna be. So proud of himself. Fucking monster. Kevin, what are your last words going to be? I mean, I guess it's just going to be like, damn, they got me.

Whatever it was, they got me, man. The disease, they got me. People got me, they got me. That's a good tombstone thing, too. They got me. People got me. They got me. That's a good tombstone thing too. They got me. I'm going to go with I did my best to make them laugh. I did my best to make them laugh.

That's so upsetting. Your parents would just be like, what a disappointment. I would say, excuse me, everybody. I'm on in five. Nice. I like it. I like it. Jackie, what do you say?

I wish I could have been better than Henry. Damn. Good stuff. Mine are, listen, everybody, if you could do me a favor and just get away from me when I die. While I die. I just want to die alone, so just

get out of the room! That's sad, Eddie. I'm going to be right there holding your hand, being like, No! Get out of the room! Eddie doesn't mean it. Stay in the room. We have to watch Ed die to make sure he's actually dead. He would have lived another week if you hadn't been insistent on touching him.

That's your curse curse too, Ed. Ben will be in that room with you, dude. I'm sorry. There is no way that I'm dying before Ben. There's a way. You wouldn't believe it. I will never die. Marcus, how are you going out, my friend? USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA! This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Everybody, for Jags, Rowski, Adlers, and Holy McNeil, you give them Burnett. Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you so much, James, for being in the Jekyll Hut. Why, of course. Thanks for having me down, folks. America is the best country.

We'll talk to you soon. Magoos Delations, I'm looking forward to it. Ciao time. USA! USA! USA! USA! Bing bong! The Chinese are not going to be impressed by that.