The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 67: Oh, I'm Sorry!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this week's Round Table, we've got three wonderful NYC teachers (a Satanist, a self-styled ladies man, and an overzealous hugger), people rippin' eyeballs from their head, and the strange, strange thing that British men say post-coitus.

The Round Table Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them all watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Where is that? gentlemen. Always civility. Amen. Dear God who isn't there, I don't know what to say to a group of shadows clustered in a dusty corner of an empty room. I guess I will say to you who does not exist, thank you.

This is a prayer to a picture of nothing. So thank you, God, for not being there and not judging me when I masturbate. Okay. Happy birthday. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Who is on the program today?

Jackie Zabrowski. Honk, honk! My name's Henry Zabrowski, sitting in for Big Ed Larson. Big Eddie. I'm Holden McNeely. I love Ben, and Ben loves me. Good. I'm Kevin.

Don't suck up, Tim. I'm sorry. It's all good, man. I ain't important. All right. I'm Ben Gizzle. In the Chuckle Up, we've got the wonderful, very busty, I'll tell you one thing, ladies and gentlemen.

If she was a condom, I would wear her every day. Stephanie Boyle, everybody. Stephanie. That doesn't make any sense. How do you do that? How do you wear a condom every day? How do I wear her like a condom? Interesting. We'll figure it out.

All right. Like a rubber glove. Like a rubber glove. And God knows I am lonely and desperate for love. Do you guys notice without Ed being here, it smells a lot less like chicken wings in this room? Yeah. Oh, no, man, he smells like bologna.

Yeah, it's sort of a sauce. A kind of sauce that I've never had before. Like a red, purple-y sauce. Yeah, a red, purple sauce. You sort of are like, a red purple-y sauce. Yeah, a red purple sauce. You sort of are like, what's in this? I can't even figure out what's in this. It burns! It burns when you eat it!

It's like a sandalwood sauce. Every time I smell it, I want to vomit. All right. News on the news. Marcus Parks, what do you got for us, buddy? All right. Among 20 Department of Education employees disciplined in the last two years for acting appropriately at school. Inappropriately at school.

Oh, yeah. Excuse me. Inappropriately. Inappropriately. Marcus Parks with the news. What do you got for me? A hard word to say. Real hard word to say.

Maybe it'll be better if, Kevin, can you throw it to Marcus? Maybe that'll make him not a retard. Marcus Parks with the news. What we got, son. Oh, don't scare him. Jesus Christ. There's a criminal in the room. No!

I have nothing. Sibilance. Pork pie. Yes. Flying buttress. All right. Among 20 Department of Education employees disciplined in the past two years for acting inappropriately at school, we have three

examples here. I'm going to go ahead and go on the first one lovely one satan spouting queen's teacher threatened students with flames and a box cutter yeah uh angel angel vasquez uh teased and berated his students he waved box cutters and lighters at them and then said that he was just kidding the hellraiser also cursed in class and, quote, spoke about Satan on a daily basis. I guess he ain't no angel. My question is, is this guy... You're going to let that one fall.

Feel the weight of it. Feel the weight of that fail. Jackie, you really fell into my department there. That was a bad joke. That was a bad one. I'm going to have to feel like you for a second talking to me and be like, terrible job. I'm just sitting here wondering if that guy is me. Right.

Do you have a substitute teacher job? I mean, not anymore. No. He did. Henry, your first day was kindergartners, right? Yeah, I was given a substitute taught for two weeks. This kid, it was, so I go in there, it's a week-long

thing, and a kindergarten in the Bronx, and the first day, a kid looks at me and mimes shooting me with a gun. Just goes like, pow, pow. And I was like, alright, you're four, this is fine. Yeah. They proceed to then hold a revolution when I lose my voice. I lose my voice second day in.

They just tear the whole place apart and I get all of them suspended. They just occupied your classroom. You turned into your father, the NYPD cop for like one afternoon with these kids. You need to respect me. I am here.

I get a degree. I'm older than you. I grabbed the vice principal and brought him in there, and he just booted all the kids. And it was like this was a little kindergarten spring happening in the classroom. Their Arab revolution. I'm surprised that the whole class, you just didn't keep it hostage with that little handgun there.

That would be amazing. You just got to get in a fight the first day of substitute teaching and then they respect you from then on out. Cool, man. What class were you teaching? Kindergarten. There's no classes.

Oh, there's no class. Just like, don't shit yourself and piss in the corner. It's literally, I was just reading them stories. Yeah. You know, that's all you had to do was sit and read the stories.

You're learning to tie your shoes. Was there one children's story in particular that you really felt like motivated the revolution? No, absolutely. I don't remember a minute about those days. Was it like really felt like motivated the revolution? No, absolutely. I don't remember a minute about those days. Was it like Peter Rabbit or anything like that? No, I don't know.

I don't know. It was a big book, though. It was a large book. That's why I feel like this teacher, I think it's fine that he talks about fire and brimstone. It's the only way to scare them. Talk about hell. Talk about how they're going to be forever dead. I mean, I went to Catholic school, and to me is just Lesson 101 Immediately with the letter

I guess it's the box cutter It's the waving box cutters And fire at them Was it a religious thing or what was the deal He'd just talk about Satan all the time Not even really Religious stuff just talking about the devil I just love him

I'd love him to god I'm surprised you didn't in Texas I wouldn't have to have this teacher. I'm surprised you didn't in Texas. Well. You didn't have some kind of crazy, you know, teachers in Texas? I had one teacher who was a shell-shocked Vietnam veteran. He just shook in the corner of the whole class? You could do anything in there.

He was the most non-confrontational. He kind of talked like this. Tell me, Marcus, you got any Vietnamese in you? The name of the class was, What's wrong with the Viet Cong? Mr. Stevenson. They fit through tiny tunnels, and they make horrible things with bamboo.

It's weird. They make finger guns, hold an entire classroom hostage. What accent is that? That's German. That's German. Yeah. They make finger guns,

hold an entire classroom hostage. I don't know, hold it into a classroom hostage. I don't know what that means. It sounds good. It sounds good. It's definitely gross. Stephanie, if you could speak through your vagina really quickly, how wet are you? I'm moist. Here in America, that's a gross term.

I'm moist as well, but I think it's just this room. Yeah, that's just because you're fat. I'm fat. Yeah, thank you. I hear moist, I just think about brownies, cakes. That's what I think it's just this room. Yeah, that's just because you're fat. I'm fat. Thank you. I hear moist, I just think about brownies, cakes. That's what I think about. Savories and sweets. Milky, milky white.

There is certainly a frosting put on top. The second guy, he bragged to his students about his pickup skills. Let's see here. They weren't so strict whenever they came to punishing self-styled ladies man Richard Van Grover. I love self-styled ladies man. Oh, you need just... You just... I just

imagine him with a blazer and he has his hands on his hips with the coat behind his head. When they say self-styled you're sitting there like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got self-styled Conquistadors t-shirts. Because of the game where he talks about peacocking he needs he probably like wears a big floppy hat all the time and as a parent with him oh you guys just fucking wait for this this is great investigator his name by the way richard van grover yeah he's 57 he was a junior high teacher

investigators found that van grover sexually harassed 10 students in his class by telling tales of hitting on women in gyms he also leered at student students and made them watch clips of their eyes were watching god a movie featuring sex scenes with hallie berry and sounds like school the classroom casanova even bragged to his students that he was writing a how-to book book about becoming a pickup artist called How to Meet M-E-E-T or Meet M-E-A-T Women. How to Meet or Meet Women. It's an either or situation.

You can only do one or the other. But that's the thing. How do you meet a woman? Hold it. How would you M-E-A-T a woman? How would you meet a woman? What do you do in that situation? Toss a baloney and turn into a donkey. Yeehaw! Just become a fucking hairy animal.

Different from my own self. Yeah, but you're on the grill, man. Get her all charled. I'd slope her bones. Yeah. That makes sense. Jackie, have you ever been met before or meted? Oh, you mean got my meat on?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. Got the tube suck. Was treated like a beast. Put in casings. You know what I mean, man? I want to know more about this tube suck. What's a tube suck?

It's a tube roof I've never known about. It's so gross. Does it involve a tube tube I've never known about. It's so gross. Does it involve a vacuum cleaner? Oh, yeah. Put it in the grinder, man. Get it all chewy. It's like, I could say it's gross, but it doesn't make any sense. No, I mean, that's the thing.

I feel like sex with Jackie is like an episode of Double Dare. It feels like a Salvador Dali painting where you just make up surreal new sex things. I will take the physical challenge, which is just the sex. I guess we had sex, but it felt like we just stared at each other for a long time. Very bizarre. And I was covered in blood. So what class was this fellow teaching? It doesn't say which class.

It's just junior high. Those are very young youths to be learning about the love game the way this man is presenting it. I mean, he might be a great teacher. He's a self-styled ladies' man. He is. That's the thing. He was just talking about his game. He wasn't fucking touching them.

Yeah, he was sounding like that. He was boning up, man. I know. Boning up, but he fucking jacked off in the bathroom. He didn't touch them. I had a teacher, Mrs. Belts, who taught us sex ed in 6th grade and she used to give around back massages and you just rub all over the

boys and the girls. See, that's more inappropriate. It was amazing. I mean, that's the difference. You get so tense here in school. You get homework due. It's nice to have a good relaxing massage from a teacher. Literally, when I put a condom on a cucumber in front of her and I was fully rock hard and in 6th grade I went to the bathroom and immediately

jacked off to her face because I was younger than I didn't realize that women parts were better than the face. Just her face? Literally did. She had the penciled in eyebrows. She was much like the teacher in Happy Gilmore that ate the paste. You know, just like the hippity dippity one in Catholic school. Oh, it was so hot. Mrs. Belts, if

you're out there, baby, wink it. I love your asshole. I want to fucking suck itrs belts if you're out there baby wink it i love your asshole i want to fucking suck it you got dude you need a prostitute i think you need a prostitute no no you can't pay for the things that i want god knows they're only good if they're from pure intentions you can't be a thing purchase yeah the woman has to love what she's doing for you otherwise oh you don't you you know, then it's time to scalp their heads and staple them onto a mannequin like the movie Maniac. Maniac, it's more like Romanta Maniac. Yeah, exactly. He was just in love with women too hard.

I love fucking chicks in the ass, man. Yeah. All right. Well, Jackie was talking about touching kids. Huh? No, I've never had sex with a woman in the but I've been it's messy is it yeah it's pretty much the worst thing that I wait you know really no I haven't have you no hey Kevin have you ever fucked a chick in the butt nope Stephanie you've ever fucked a chick in the butt no have you ever been butt

fucked you live in the UK so I assume that's how men live. That's just what men call being gay. Now, as a gal who lives in London, is there a specific difference between the men and the women there? When a man hits you on you in New York, do you feel like it's very different than a man hitting on you in the UK?

Mostly the difference is at the end of sex, when they come, they all say sorry. It's absolute. What? Oh, they all say sorry. It's absolute. What? I'm so sorry. They do? I'm so fucking lutely. That's disgusting.

That's disgusting. It's really disgusting. You're like, really? Because that wasn't even good, but sorry when you come is not like. Why? You never apologized for coming. I don't know. I'm so.

That's disgusting. Oh, it seems I've salted the cracker. I'm sorry. Oh, apologies. See, it seems I've salted the cracker. I'm sorry. Oh, apologies. See, I always just yell bonkers. Get the fuck out of there. I'd rather bonkers. I'd rather that.

I have two bike horns. You yell, here comes the goo, I thought. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, here comes the goo. That's right. So far, bonkers is right after. Did they come on a specific part of you that they need to apologize for? Oh, no, no, no.

This is like in the condom inside. Normal, normal, standard, boring sex. I mean, do they not last very long? Is that what it is? I don't think it had to do with the length of time. It's the feminisism. Feminisisms. Feminization.

Feminization of the fucking world. Men were apologizing for coming all of a sudden. The UK is not... I mean, I apologized to myself after I masturbated. Oh, Henry, I want better for you. Well, exactly. After I masturbate, every single time, I wipe cum from my eye and I'm like, I'm sorry.

You know, like I can't see for another day. But whatever. Who cares? At the very least... Usually, I just don't get naked for like a week and a half because I feel disgusting. Have you ever had a man come on you, Jackie, and then immediately apologize?

Because in your situation, they actually should have. Well, yeah, they should have and they never did. Or else I would fucking be like, you're a pussy! And I would beat the fucking shit out of them. Jackie, you're heading into satire. I love it. I just can't believe they always apologize.

I just feel like it would make me feel like I just got raped. And a British apology, too. You'll be sorry, but I'm happy. It's mine. I chose you. Pretty lame names as well. It's like Pete and Paul and Patrick, and they're all sort of

standard about their I'm sorry. Mostly white? Actually, the black English guy did not say sorry. Really? So maybe it's a standard. I don't know. Is it just an example I have? Yeah, he just said, get your broke ass out of here. Yeah, exactly.

Very nice. When it came, it just sounded like the sound of a $20 bill hitting the table. That's pretty fantastic. Because he paid for her? Because she's a prostitute? Stephanie's not a prostitute. I don't know what you're saying right now. You're out of bounds.

You're off the radar. Yeah, you're playing in the rough, dude. Falling apart on live radio. I blame my teacher. I want to hear about kids getting touched. And that's what we got. All right. This last guy.

His name is Leroy Biles. Yes. Oh, yes. That's what it comes up. His name is Monroe Pukins. He's an art teacher at a high school. And he embraced each of his students as they entered and exited the classroom. Some disconcerted students complained to investigators

that they were uncomfortable with the constant touching. Like a good game thing. And said Biles lowered the grades of students who evaded his embrace. Yeah! Yeah! The lonely dude, man. Biles didn't... It's also the easiest class to get a fucking A in

Hug the teacher How'd you get a D in the hug class? You hug the teacher Just hug him a beat longer, you'll get an A It's fine, it's super simple Just get in there, give him a good deep hug Every day, whenever you go in a class, you give a hug Every day when you leave class, you give a hug

My landlord does that with me, is that weird? My landlord, whenever I come in the house, he hugs me really hard in the lobby. Why is he always waiting for you in the house? He just seems to always know when I'm leaving and when I'm coming. He's just keeping tabs on me, but it's nice. It's friendly. It's nice to know that he's there. I feel like it would depend on how full body contact the hug was. Is it like you can feel his penis in the small of your breast

area? I'm sure he gets up in there, man. He must. Leroy Biles. Here's a quote from him. I could walk across the stage here and the students would holler like I'm a rock star. And he added that parents called him, quote, the famous Mr.

Biles. Famous for quote, the famous Mr. Biles. Famous for touching his children, Mr. Biles. He denied that the hugs were mandatory and received a letter of reprimand as punishment for inappropriate contact with students. He still teaches at the school and said the kids love him. Despite the fact that six students

told investigators they were uncomfortable. He works with puppets, right? He's an art teacher. Okay, works with puppets. Yeah, that's fine. He's a fucking puppeteer. The art teacher is supposed to be hugged by all the students. I mean, that's a good sign. Yeah, it's not that bad, man. Yo, in fucking

middle school, I had this one teacher, Mr. Olsen, who had one arm. He had lost the arm. He had a fucking nub. And I remember the first day of school, for whatever reason, my cousin went and saw the dude, and he was terrified. He got home. He was like, did he touch you, man? And it was like any time you would do a good job or something, he'd just come over and was like, that was a great paper.

He hit you with a nub? That's uncomfortable. It would have been worse if he was just like, oh, man, can I touch your teeth with my nub? Sticks your nub in your mouth and rubs his teeth with it. He just immediately apologizes right afterwards. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I touched your teeth with my nub.

Imagine that being a fetish, though, of someone that lost their arm. It's like, can you just suck on the end of it? Can you not even suck it on a no arm? That is a fetish, though. Someone that lost their arm. It's like, can you just suck on the end of it? No, that's a... Sucking on a no arm? No, that is a fetish. I'm sure it has to be. Yeah, amputees.

An amputee fetish. It's a big thing, yeah. Can you imagine sucking on that? I don't know. I think it's gross. I imagine it's much the same as sucking on other nubs. A big old arm cock? I would rather a regular cock.

I'd rather a head. At least they can feel something. I mean, that's the thing. He doesn't have a weird little, like, thumb-y thing on the side of it, too, and that's scratching your cheek as you're sucking on the main stump. There's no clit on my cheek. Oh, yeah, man. There was another guy. I didn't actually notice, dude, but, like, some of my friends

knew him. Like, some of my friends at college had a friend back home who had half an arm and they used to call him 1.5. He would nub girls all the time. That was my GPA in college. Why did he nub a girl? Like, stick his nub in their vagina? No, I knew a guy with a baby arm that he would, like, walk up and just, like...

He was actually kind of a cool guy. Just, like... Baby arm rub someone. He's actually kind of a cool guy. Just like... Baby arm rub someone. I feel like if you were that confident, though, about your nub, that you're willing to shove it up inside of me, I'd give it a go.

Yeah, you would. I agree with you. I feel like it wouldn't feel very good for him. You know what's another phenomenon I've been running into a lot? Is dead hands. What's a dead hand? A woman running for district in my area queens elizabeth crowley things are i don't remember her last name she's got a dead hand and she's it's a shaking

hand you walk on the train all these people are running for local office they stand outside the train and you go to shake your hands and then it's like it's just a cold dead hand it literally nothing doesn't work no blood no flow it's just a dead lump of flesh on the thing and she just grabbed and you just like and so the first time i thing, and she just grabbed it, and you're just like... And so the first time I grabbed her hand, I just shook the hell out of it. You might as well. You can do whatever you want with it. It's like her whole arm went all floppy.

Give it a gang sign. Yeah, yeah. It was super weird. You could rock lock it. But I think it's an essential problem. If you're a politician, you have to have two working hands. You have to shake hands. You can't have a dead hand.

As a woman, you push the button to blow up Siam. And by the way, I have to point out that whenever Ben just said Stephanie, Stephanie cringed a little bit. This is going to be a sexual question. There's no way it's not going to be. No, it's never going to be fun. Why does it have to be sexual every time, Ben? All right, Jackie. So if you were getting finger blasted by a dude, do you want want a dead hand or you want a nub hand?

Which one is worse? Oh, I want nub hand. I don't want a faux hand. Dead hand. I don't want to feel like a... You want a nub? No hand at all is better than a dead hand? Can you imagine a dead hand like rubbing, like hitting itself against your dick?

He doesn't know how hard it's hitting you. Oh, I'm sorry. I'd prefer the dead hand. I'm going to do this for the rest of the podcast. You can make the dead hand do what you want it to do. Yeah, but it won't feel anything. It'll be like a... I would rather...

He won't feel it, but I'll feel it. ...master me with a fake hand. I would rather have no man and a fake hand rather than have man with dead hand. That's fascinating. I love it, man. Agreed. So what would you rather have?

As a man, you want a dead hand or you want a nub? If your hand was going to be cut off? If I had a dead hand or if I had a nub, either way, I would have a metal new robot hand. Hell yeah, dude. I would have a replacement hand that works. So nub, then nub. Yeah, and I'd put a fucking robot hand on it. So Jackie, that brings us to the second question.

Metal hand, nub hand. Which one do you want? Metal hand, industrial strength. No, but it's going to be cold. It'll be like going to the gynecologist. All the fingers will extend like spider legs. That's right. It's going to come out inside.

They'll fucking reach out and whatever you need. So it's just got lasers on the end so I can write inscriptions on the inside of my uterus. And it speaks. No apologies there. It goes, Grog, Greg, Grog. It can only speak like that, though, but I understand that. Grog and Greg, yeah. Greg, Grog.

I would just fall in love with the hand and not with the man. That's the thing. The hand is better than the man Holden just made his first faux political point of all time the hand is better than the man the hand is mighty than the sword the hand is quite better than the man

3000 years ago you would have just become king lords that's what I want to be I want to be a lord you're just sitting there with your hands folded across your fucking Game of Thrones books bro get it yeah it's fucking awesome I just finished the second one earlier I am the biggest I'm the biggestgot of the hand. I am the biggest nerd in this room, and I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. Everybody needs to calm down, man.

I will ask, can I ask this about school, middle school? I was wondering when we started talking to the teachers. Middle school dances. Oh, my God. Little boys boners. Yeah, man, all I did was fuck. I just got a Facebook message from my friend Jamie Uh Malarski Back in the day

And in 8th grade I was dancing with her I had a rock hard boner Right And she like felt it Had to And she was like Oh you're

You got a boner And I was like Oh yeah I do And I literally just thought What a creepy fucking gigantic kid You must have been Oh it was so goofy He was the same size

Cause it was the same thing Just a smaller face He had like a little Beetle Beetle cheese head For hugging people too much. Oh, yeah. Would they remember that? Yeah, I did get in trouble for hugging too much.

Dude, that's something that retarded kids get in trouble for. I know, Marcus. Thank you. Leroy Biles right here. Yeah, I would have been more like a Leroy Biles had I not really changed my ways and got into fucking chicks as opposed to hugging them. The thing is, I had this huge rock hard bone

and then she was like, oh yeah, I feel it. And I just thought that when you get a boner, then the woman has sex with you. But then it turns out they have a choice too. See, I thought back in middle school... And it sucks. That sucks. That's the problem with boners.

When you got the boner, you jumped out of a window and ran home crying. That's what happened when you got the boner, you jumped out of a window and ran home crying. That's what happened when you got a boner and you're dancing with a girl. But it happened. You never get a boner in the shower, buddy. I got a boner one time when I was in seventh grade in the shower after a football practice, and that was bad news. It was just boys in there.

I just refused to shower. You didn't shower? I didn't shower. It's worse not to shower, though. I wrote poems and things like that. I was a poet. I was a laureate. Did you take public showers?

No, we didn't have that in our school. You went to an art school. Yeah. So never after a saxophone practice, they were just like, well, we better bathe. When you actually take a bath together, it see you and all the other saxophone guys just washing each other? Think about your woodwinds. Yeah, it helps us play together better, man.

I just feel like there's a whole bunch of white dudes tripping and then it looks down and it's just Kevin's big dick. Kevin, will you wash my feet for me? Please, Kevin. I love it, man. Bathing in school should be outlawed. I feel like I'm one of the last people

that I can think of that had to publicly bathe with a whole series of naked boys. I had to do it. You guys always had nice little, like, panels. No, see, we never had panels, but they were like, if you don't want to shower, you can just wait until you get home. And that's what I fucking did. Boys were just made to shower. I remember one time I tried not to shower, and my coach was like, oh, you better take those clothes off. You better get in the shower.

You better do it. And it was like insanely creepy. You lived in a weird place. The Midwest. Yeah, they're weird. It's all bad. I'm sorry. And my coach literally used to just stand in the door where the shower was and just be like, you're doing good. You're doing good. Crazy soapy in here, huh?

He literally would. I love running water and soaping little boys. Ah, what a good gym class. It was so... I hated showering publicly. Did you shower, Stephanie? No, still don't. Europe, remember. No shower. No shower publicly? You, Henry? Well, no. I used to wash myself

in puddles out in the street. Like a bird. And then the other times, I just, yeah, I lick myself clean. I'm very clean, though. I lick myself very thoroughly. His tongue is cleaner than anything I've ever seen. My tongue is cleaner than a dog's tongue, and dogs' tongues are cleaner than most other humans' tongues.

They're very clean, yeah. How do you keep such a clean tongue, Henry? I scrape it. With a knife, yeah. I feel like just licking concrete Henry. I scrape it. With a knife, yeah. I feel like just licking concrete is how you scrape it. I lick doors and I lick rough textures. Good. Good for you.

Have you guys actually ever gotten a tongue scraper before? I didn't even know it existed. I love a good tongue scraper. Can you just do that with your teeth? No. Marcus just scraped Can you just do that with your teeth? No. Oh, Marcus!

All right, Marcus just scraped his disgusting, fat, cow, Texas tongue, and the saliva that built up on his front teeth, it looked as if Hurricane Katrina was coming right at us. That's what makes you the Gimp. That's what makes you live in the basement and be the Gimp. Any woman touch him. Man, I've never seen such a look of disgust on Kevin

Barnett's face. I've never seen him so disgusted. I can't believe I stayed watching that the whole time. I know. It was captivating at the same time. I watched the whole thing. It was. That was probably the most silent moment of the round table ever.

Everyone stopped talking. It just all kind of looked. Good job, Mark. He's a terrible person. It reminds me, my friend Wop sneezed in his hand. Wop? Dago?

His name was Alex Wopat, so we called him Wop. And he spit a whole bunch... No, it does. Chinky Wop Gookstein? Yeah, yeah. Chinky Wop Gookstein. Yeah. Everyone knows and everyone loves him. He had a huge piece of saliva. He sneezed into his hand

and he sucked it up through his mouth like it was a clam. And that was the second most disgusting thing. It was the first, but now it's the second after that. Wow. That's how I got tortured for an entire summer in a day camp was that I sneezed onto myself and I got covered in my own mucus. I sneezed onto my own shirt.

I was like 11. And I'm fat and I'm awful. And I sneeze all over myself. And these two junior high schoolers in the back are just like, you're fucking disgusting, fatty! And the rest of the time it was just them beating me and throwing stuff at me. Every single time I got on the bus

I knew it was going to be a torture ride. You know that? As a child where you're just like, I gotta go do this fucking mind-breakingly awful thing every day. School. And everyone's cheering about it. And they have no idea why you don't want to get on the bus.

It's like the long walk to your mom's car. You know? When you know you're going to get shit thrown at you from the bus. Yeah. It's so bad. Summer camp was the worst experience of my life. It was the worst. I was wearing a Mighty Ducks hat.

And I was so awkward and weird and i just kept on trying to hit on chicks but it wasn't working and i wasn't good you were self-styled ladies man self-styled and i was like oh you can't leave the door without a hug you know so i was hugging all the kids and it was so much bigger than everybody it was such a nightmare i took my shirt off to bathe and literally like people just you know actively pointed and poked me and were just like you're weird and fat and then you're so tall

and I just remember people being like you're so tall how are you so fat you know because people just couldn't believe that you could be tall and fat at the same time that was my one public shower scenario too was that summer and I had a towel around me and they ripped the towel off me. And they pushed me down in the showers and all.

We're talking about how small my penis was. Yeah. Isn't that weird? And I remember my dick is so small and my dick is still so small. Oh, you're so tall, you're so fat, and then your penis is so tiny. How is that possible? But it's just normal. It's normal.

It's not tiny. I don't have a micro penis. It's fine. I just had a flashback when he started that story. I remember mom telling me that story when I was also a child. I'm like, why are you telling me this? And they're like, and they laughed at him. And they took his towel off and they laughed at him.

And I was so young and I was like, that's awful. Why are you saying this to me? And then, of course, what did I do? I made fun of him before. Of course, absolutely. It's a fact. And then you'd come over from school and I would make fun of him. I mean, to be fair to the students, I'm sure

you went down pretty easy. Oh, of course not! I'm down! That was a bad time. That was a bad time period. you went down pretty easy. Oh, of course not! If I was, I'm down! I'm down! That was a bad time. That was a bad time period. And it's also, you know when you look back on your life and be like, and that's the day I probably turned into a comedian.

Yeah, and that's the one. Mass murderer or comedian. I remember in Jamaica, we used to go there every summer. My little brother, he was fat. And for whatever reason, there was this one summer where Jamaican adults would just chase my brother around. And we would go to the beach sometimes.

They had the shower, but it just closed off on the beach. I remember these Rosses would come up. They would see my brother going to the shower. And one jumped up over the corner. I'm like, boom! And just starts running. Like, oh, watch that fat boy run! And they would just chase him.

It was traumatized, man. It's encouraging exercise and health, I suppose. That's so fucking terrible. It's so much worse when it's adults. There's no God when it's adults. There's just no God. That's so funny.

Has your brother recovered? Is he still thinking about it every day? I've completely forgot about that until just now. But I remember whenever anyone would say anything about him being fat, he'd be like, I'm not fat, man. I'm not fat. It's so sad. It's awful. That is so terrifying.

I mean, that's why we can laugh about it now. It's so, so funny. I'm sure he can't laugh about it still. He's devastated. This is why I don't understand. Women always don't have to shower. Women get to shower in little cubbiesbies and men always have to Shower in a group

We don't get rats for a small clip that fed the large the large bread First of all, let's talk about your breasts Me and my best friend are called flat so and and Fatso. I'm Flatso. Okay, seventh grade. Ninth grade, I go to being Bouncer, Cantaloupe Woman, and every other fucking name about Cantaloupe Woman? Large boobs. That sounds terrifying.

And I'm still tortured by the Flatso and Fatso comment, not the Cantaloupe Woman. Everyone loves cantaloupes and everyone loves women. True. Except when they're deadly. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, yeah, there's new deadly cantaloupes. Do you feel like your breasts were breeded from hate? Do you feel like because of all the hatred that they received,

your chest just grew bigger and stronger? It needed to retaliate, man. It needed to come back strong. And then you took them back down. I took them back down. You should go out there and get a tight tent. Holden, you knew my boobs. Yeah, but I have a vague memory, though. So if you were working at a produce section, Go out there and get a tight 10. Holden, you knew my boobs. Yeah. Vague memory, though.

So if you were working at a produce section, let's say it's $4.99 a pound. Watermelons. Watermelons. So we're talking about $9, $10 here, bosom-wise? Yeah, yeah. What? Pretty healthy. I don't even know what we're talking about here.

Am I buying fruit? Am I talking about your breath? You're talking about bosoms, but comparing them to fruit. You guys want to talk about cannibals? Yeah! I guess so. Yeah, Ben does it. Absolutely not.

20 years after she spent Thanksgiving weekend dining on her husband's ribs cooked barbecue style. Oh, I love this woman. This is a great story. Ome Mai Nelson is seeking release from a California prison. Her name's Ome Mai? Ome Mai! Ome Ma! Oh, okay. Ome Ma. That's normal. Omei Mai Nelson is seeking release from a California prison. Her name's Omei Mai? Omei Mai. Omei Ma. Oh, okay. Omei Ma.

That's normal. Omei Ma. The Egyptian-born former model who had been married to her husband for less than a month when she killed him, dismembered him, and ate parts of his body says she is no longer a danger to society. I guess she was an anorexic. Jackie. Wow.

You are fucking me today. I'm doing bad, but then you're doing worse, so that's funny. I got your back. Thanks, Jackie. So, I love that she marinated and really barbecued these ribs. She actually knows how to meet a man.

Oh, interesting. Meet or meet. Yay! Yay! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did they describe the rub? Did she give a honey rub, a sweet and sour rub? Was it just a nice barbecue?

Here's what she did. At the hearing, a senior deputy district attorney will recount the day in 1991 when he arrived at the apartment that Nelson, then 23, shared with her 56-year-old husband and found the man's hands in the fry cooker and his head boiled and stuffed in the freezer. God, it's a real dollar.

What was it stuffed with? No, stuffed in the freezer. It would be awesome if it was stuffed. I feel like the head would be in the front on the dinner table. The head's there with all the lettuce around it. At the head of the table. At the head of the table.

Meat. Is that what you do with the head of a fucking goat? Or you boil it? Like head cheese? You eat the eyes. You eat the eyes? You boil the head, though? Yeah boil it like head cheese eyes you eat the eyes you boil the head though yeah you boil it you eat the eyes

oh I got something about eyes so what did she do with the first eyes it's not about what she did to his eyes it's what about an Italian man did to his own eyes oh this is the best I like it I do want to say

though, what's the best condiment to dip a human being into? Mayo. You think mayo? Barbecue sauce. I mean, you've seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hot sauce, for sure. How about hot sauce mixed with mayo? What is the consistency of the

mayo? Like, people have eaten human meat. What is that again? Does it taste like pork? It's like pork. Is that a thing? It's gamey? Yeah, it's like pork. There is an island, the Guineas, I think, in New Guinea.

They call it long pig. The Wapdago's. Yeah, they call it Guinea Wapdago meat. Marcus, I think I would choose you to eat. Really? Oh, no. I was just looking at you, and I think you would be really lean. Do you feel like that's a thing of evolution? Do you think if we tasted

better, we would have never evolved to this point? That is one of the reasons why they say humans got a chance to develop our brains. We were never the main diet of any creature. Interesting. Because we're not good, we've made it this far. But you can prepare a human to be good. I bet Marcus'

ribs would taste succulent. You think so? Slow cooked over a couple hours. Out of everyone, I would definitely be the best one to butcher. This woman's interesting, though, because Dahmer used corpses for scientific reasons, and this was simply for food. I wonder if she's killed more people than this. Here's the reason why she killed him.

She says that she chopped him up to avoid meeting her husband in the afterlife. I feel like it would be creepier to just meet a bunch of floating body parts than to meet an old man. Why did she want to avoid meeting him in the afterlife? They just did not get along after a month?

She said that he had been raping and abusing her. She's Egyptian too, right? Isn't that just marriage? Yeah. Yeah, she's Egyptian. It's not rape after you get married. No.

I mean, God knows. I can't even talk about sex with a woman. I don't know what it's like. But I would assume things. You know things. I know nothing. So they were just married for a month, and he ripped her for a month, and then she murdered him. Yep.

And ate him. Seems fascinating. Man, I feel like if you, I think that's the best way to do it. If you're gonna fucking murder somebody, you better fucking eat him. I think it's more appropriate, right? It's like when you go deer hunting. No, you chop them up and you feed them to dogs. Or pigs.

Or pigs. You feed humans to pigs. But I mean, that's the thing though. Yeah, you gotta use the body. If you go hunting and you shoot a deer and you leave the deer in the field, it's rude. But if you eat the deer, you're like, okay, well at the very least it's gone, though. Yeah, you're going to use the body. If you go hunting and you shoot a deer and you leave the deer in the field, it's rude. But if you eat the deer, you're like, okay, well, at the very least, it's gone to some sort of life. It's gone to fulfill a life. You make a bunch of chairs and ashtrays out of them. Sure.

That's another idea. Oh, man, lampshades and soap. You want to make human soap. She's just taken a page from the Nazi book now. I love it So Marcus, what can you do with eyes? I would have fallen in love with you Oh man, beautiful children

Here's what's going on in the world In the world of eyeballs Hundreds of parishioners looked on in horror As an Italian man ripped out Both of his eyes during mass Rock and roll Daddy, my eyes My eyes.

My eyes. Witnesses said the 46-year-old, who told paramedics that he heard voices, calmly stood up and began tearing at his eyes soon after the priest began his sermon. Why? He stood up, too? Church goers...

Church, man. You gotta be calm in church. Church goers retrie man You gotta be calm in church Yeah Church goers Retrieved the eyes But surgeons were unable To save the man's sight So they put him back

In his head They're like Now it works Mr. Potatoing his eyes Back in his fucking head Fuck this guy Why would you even Waste the time

To try to put them Back in his face This is what God makes you do He literally Ripped them out of his face. This is what God makes you do. He literally ripped them out of his face. Classic Humpty Dumpty. Typical. Italians. I just don't understand

was there a religious reason? What in any religion demands you to tear up the eye? Do you feel like he was just looking at a lot of porn or something? He heard voices telling him to go into a church and tear out his eyeballs. Oh, that'll happen. And then they told him to go into a church and tear out his eyeballs. Oh, that'll happen. That'll happen.

Yeah, and then they told him to go see Drive. Yep. And then he went to Sizzler, and that was a good time, too. You know, sometimes the voices are crazy, and sometimes the voices are fun. He went to Applebee's because he wanted to eat good in the neighborhood. Yeah, absolutely. He was like, I'm just going to do that. Yeah.

Because I love my neighborhood. Waitress, I'm sorry. Could you read this menu for me? I ripped my eyes out at a church earlier today. That's why all the blood and the hollow holes. Where's the jalapeno poppers? Can you actually put them in the holes in my head? I'm not ingesting through the mouth.

I'm ingesting through the eyes. It's hard enough for me to put contacts in. Imagine trying to rip out your eyes. Imagine literally putting your fingers in. I still see logistically how you can do it. Yeah, I do it. You can do it. You want me to do it? How do you do it?

Oh, my God. Holden. Holden. Put it back in, Holden. Daddy ate my eyes. Daddy ate my eyes. All right. Holden.

Now, the doctor who treated him said that it requires superhuman strength. I mean, to be able to really go against every instinct that you have. And go and get in those eyes. It just means you must be crazy. I've heard when you sneeze, if you had your eyes open, they'd pop out, which is why you close your eyes. I think you read that in a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Oh, dude, I do love Calvin and Hobbes,

but it was definitely in a scientific book of some kind. I do wish I could pop out my eyes and just hold them and look at people. Just be like, hey, baby, I like the way you're looking today. Behind your head with your eyes facing forward. They do say that if your eyeball pops out and the optic nerve is still attached, like say one eyeball

is hanging down, you see one eyeball straight and the other one is going to be looking down. I love it. I love that, man. That's the fucking perfect thing. Life's all about perspective. Absolutely. Dude, I had a cat that I found that way. This cat came to my doorstep. Cat isn't

like a hipster version for a man or like an actual animal? Yeah, that's a cool cat. No, an actual animal. Okay, that's good. She had gotten into a fight, obviously, and one of her eyes was dangling out of her head. Cool. So they took her to the vet and they got her eyes was dangling out of her head. Cool. So they took her to the vet and they got her all patched up

and they had to rip out the eye. They couldn't fix it. And they said that she was going to be psychologically damaged because of how fucked up she was because, especially if you're a cat, you don't understand what's going on, that she could see the ground for days.

She didn't understand why it had happened. She was internally angry for the rest of her life. I had her for like six months and she was the worst fucking thing and then I got fucking rid of her because she was awful. She should have been just put to sleep. I still think Henry had it worse when he got the towel

ripped off of him and people made fun of his small pee pee. Or were they yelling? They were just pointing at her and screaming. Little fatty with his small pee pee. Or were they yelling? They were just pointing at him and screaming. Little fatty with the small pee pee. Was there a chant? It was all of that. Everything that could be said about being fat and have a tiny penis

is what was said that afternoon. I don't remember it all. I don't really remember. That afternoon. It's the JFK assassination. I remember it. How about big bowl of pasta, no meatballs? Is that a good one?

No, absolutely not. I like it, though. 0 for 3. No. Yeah. God, I feel great. No, I remember the incident as if I was watching it from far away. Is that weird?

No. You're like Lovely Ben. Yeah, yeah, you're like Lovely Ben. You separated yourself from the occasion. Oh, my God. That's a great sequel to Lovely Ben. Henry, it happened to you. It didn't happen to anyone else.

You should feel ashamed. Jesus, Jackie. God damn. Henry, don't cry. Henry, don't cry about it. He's got a tiny penis. I don't know. He's don't cry about it. He's got a tiny penis. I don't know. He's so sad when he does this.

You know, when you get this sad, maybe you should just rip out your fucking eyes. Just rip them out, Henry. Oh, my God. He ripped them. I'm sorry. Hold it, Henry. He ripped them.

He's blinded. He ripped them out of his eyes. He said, I'm sorry. And then he's self-styled. This eyeless, self-styled Ladies man Give me a hug Give me a hug Henry

Segment from Holden McNeely Alright well this segment since Our true true friend Ed Larson Is not here And him not Ed once Eddie we love you buddy I mean we love him The thing about him not being here is that we can all now get in an elevator together.

Yeah, that's nice. I don't know. Not with you replacing him. Big, fat, tiny peeps. Big balls! Bonkers! Chow time! I'm loving it.

Make goose-tellations! Oh, I like that one. That's mine. The segment today is called Ask Ed. Ask Ed. Marcus is our point scorer. I'm going to ask everyone in the round table a question. You're going to answer for Ed what he would answer,

and Marcus is going to score you on accuracy, on delivery, on diplomacy, on palpability, racism, on racism. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm going to start with you, Jackie. No, come on. Jackie?

Jackie? Okay, I'm ready for the challenge. Dolphins win the Super Bowl this year. What is your post-game plan? Alright, man. First, I'm ready for the challenge Dolphins win the Super Bowl this year What is your post-game plan? Alright, man First, I'm gonna shotgun ten beers I'm gonna sing Miami has a dolphin The greatest football team We take the ball from goal to goal

Like no one's ever seen I'm not gonna finish the song because that would be too long And then, I'm gonna fucking take this fucking Big bosom, tight, blonde bitch I'm going to fucking take this fucking big bosom tight blonde bitch. I'm going to bend her over the table at second chance. I'm going to fuck her in front of everybody. We're in the air. We're on the ground.

We're always in control. While we're singing this song. And then I'm going to get high as fuck and I'm not going to remember the next two days. Because when you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl. All right. sounds good. Six. I like the song.

I think that was actually totally accurate. I would give you Can I say one extra point, Marcus? I feel like she gets to seven. I don't know about the fucking in public, though. Oh, Eddie would fuck in public. You don't think that's an

Ed move? He's a romantic. don't think that's an Ed move? That is not... He's a romantic. See, that's why I gave it a six, because the fucking public... Yeah, but I'm talking about a tight, stupid bitch. Like, not someone he's into. All right. He would fuck the girl.

On the bar. In a bathroom, maybe. In a bathroom, maybe, but not on the... No. Yeah, not on the bar. He wouldn't do it in front of people. No, he knows how to treat ladies. I just really think he would do it in front of me.

I just know for a fact he would do it in front of me. We've talked about what we would do in front of him. But that's a special relationship you guys have. I love Ed. Eddie, I want to fuck a chick with you. Hell yeah, and that's why Ben, I'm going to ask you next, your question. That's fucking fell. All right.

I do. I want to have sex with a girl. You've got... You're Ed Larson, Ben. Yeah. You've got a million dollars and you have a day to spend it. What are you doing? I'm buying tons of weed, number one.

Number two, I'm giving him... How much weed? I'm buying a 50 bag, and then I'm gonna give... 50 bag? Yep. I'm gonna buy a 50 bag, and then I'm gonna give all the rest of the money to Ben Kissel because I fucking love him so goddamn much! Yeah!

One point. What? No! Why? No, he's buying a 50 bag, and then he's gonna give me the rest of the money. One point. What the fuck? Fuck you.

One. I know it. One point. Maybe you would give him a two. No. I think. Nope. One.

Okay, fine. He's going to buy. He's going to buy at least a hundo. A hundo bag then. Like he's some sort of fucking street fighter character. He's going to buy a hundo of fucking weed. You're over. Continue.

All right. He's going to give me the rest of the fucking money. Kevin Barnett. I feel like that's inaccurate. You've got to choose one. You're over. Continue. Give me the rest of the fucking money. Kevin Barnett. You've got to choose one. You either got to go back in time and assassinate Dan Marino, or you've got to fuck your mother. As Ed.

As Ed. As Ed. He'd fuck his mother. I think he would fuck his mother. Who wouldn't want to fuck his mother? I don't know, man. Once the circumstances, like back to the future, I don't know, man! You've met his mother! Oh, what's the circumstances? Like, back to the future, she doesn't know that you're his son?

Is she young? Is she young? You're not gonna go back in time and fuck your mother. No, you're fucking today mom. But did she know today mom? Or fuck her like when she was attractive? Today mom. I would fuck her now.

All I'm saying is, I've seen that dude wearing dolphin shirts and dolphin hats. I've never seen him with a shirt of his mom. I haven't seen that. Not one time. It's true. It's true. I like that, it's a good follow up answer What are you going to say Marcus? Oh my god, well for accuracy

I think he would probably assassinate Dan Marino What? I like the cut of his jib I like the cut of your jib, 7 So I still have 1? You're going to have 1 until the end of it Alright Wait, he got more than me? Yeah, he did better than you So I still have one? You're gonna have one till the end of it Alright

Wait he got more than me? Yeah he did better than you He chose the wrong one though Yeah but he was funnier Stephanie I sang the fucking song You want me to finish the song? I didn't sing the whole song

Stephanie Since you're in the chocolate I'm gonna give you the option of answering one of two questions. You can choose which one to answer. How will you propose to your future wife? Or what is your ultimate hell as Ed? I'm going to go with the proposal. As I already said, this evening Ed's a romantic.

proposal. As I already said, this evening ends at romantic. If I were gonna propose to my future wife, I would fucking bring back the Allman Brothers, the original Allman Brothers, and I would have them fucking do a concert, and I would fucking bring my chick to the

concert. We would smoke a sweet dube, the finest, and then I would lay her down. This is not a public venue by the way private venue. And I'd be like lady I love you as much as I love the fucking dolphins as much as I love awesome

hot sauce and I want you to be with me by my side for the rest of my life. I want to be this woman. Ed's not doing that. Will you marry me? You've never once mentioned farts With the Allman Brothers Standing behind me I will fart with you

I will sweat with you That's how you proposed to me What are you giving I'm going to give her I mean it was a good effort Give her a negative Nothing's worse than your answer I didn't do anything negative a negative. It was a good effort. I'm not going to give her a negative. Nothing's worse than your answer.

I didn't do anything negative. I should have gotten a 10. You got a 1 out of pity. You should have gotten a 0 or worse. Because that's what Ed would have done. I don't think you guys understand our relationship. Steph, you get a 5. I'll take it. You get a 5.

For the final question, the man that is replacing Ed tonight in the show. My man. Damn. He's got a baloney already. All right, Henry. As Ed, you're locked in a room with a talking bear for 24 hours. What is your game plan? I mean, you're going to get down to brass tacks

and you're going to kill a deer together. He's going to pepper this bear with fucking questions. He's going to want to know everything that the bear has ever done. Hunting methods. Tactics.

What do you dream about when you sleep through the winter? And then him and the bear are literally, I think they'll just end up joking around for a long time. Are there blunts involved? I mean, if he could teach the bear how to smoke weed, he's smoking a joint and he's looking at the bear

and the bear is just like, what is that? And then he's just like, oh, it's weed. You know, you smoke weed? Do you smoke weed? And she's just like, I've never, I don't know. I've never smoked anything. This is really a first for me as well.

And then him and the bear smoke weed and the bear, the problem is that what if the bear gets paranoid and then... Yeah, and then murders him. That's the problem if he has a bad reaction to the weed. Or he just gets chilled out and puts a bunch of big pair of sunglasses on. What if he puts on a dress? Oh, no.

And he makes fucking sweet love to the bear. Man, I bet Ed would fuck a bear. No, he would not fuck a bear. It's too big. It's too big. He only likes tiny women. Yeah, he does only like taut, taut. That's not true. That's really it, right?. It's too big. He only likes tiny women. Yeah, he does all the, like, taut, taut. That's not true.

That's really it. That's not fucking true. He likes a lot of flabby whalers. He loves the ladies, all sizes. He just likes women. He just likes, not a bear. Let me get my score. Yeah, get to the score.

Okay. But that's it. You'd hang out with the bear. He's going to hang out with the bear. He's going to hang out with him. 7.5. You win, Henry. Yeah! Henry wins. All. But that's it. You'd hang out with the bear. He's going to hang out with the bear. He's going to be with him. 7.5. You win, Henry. Yeah!

Henry wins. All right. I love it. You gave him the most interesting question. And he wins. Ask Ed. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Hey, Ed.

What do you think? Yes! Squirt, squirt, squirt. All right. That's been the round table. Stephanie, I just want to say, do you love Ed? How much do you love Ed? And what do you want to do with him? I'm in love with Ed.

I totally love him. What would you do on your first date if you got to go on a date with Ed? And this is very important because this is going to make or break his entire life. I have already been on a date with Ed. How was it? We went to the Black Keys. It was awesome. The only problem was we had to tag along not so often.

Who was the tag along? Holden. Jeff Darling. Oh, all right, Jeff. That's been the roundtable, gentlemen. tag along not so who was the table in Jeff Darlin for Jackie's Brown ski Henry's a browse gay I'll Hitler Marcus parks thank you so much, Stephanie, for being here. I'm sorry I'll never be man enough for you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll talk to you next week. I am sorry. Woo!