The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 68: The Disease Factor

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Alchemy sure ain't what it used to be. Tune in to find out why and how it relates to a string of Chicago car robberies, plus frozen armadillo assault! We've also got comedian Cody Hess and podcast favorite John F. O'Donnell sitting in for our boys Ed and Kevin.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Alright, well I think we've got to pray. gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, well I think we gotta pray. Alright, um, everyone close your eyes and I'm gonna lead you through a guided meditation. It's gonna melt my brain. It's gonna melt my mind. Just shut up. Wow, I thought you were gonna tell me to shut up post-show starting. Alright, everybody

close your eyes and I'm gonna lead you through a guided meditation. You are Ed Larson. You're Ed. You're in LA right now. The smell did come into the room there. You're sweaty. You're stinky. Maybe you have gloves on. Maybe you don't. I'm just imagining

you wear gloves in LA. He never wears gloves. You look around. It's nice there. There's the ocean. You know, there's the glitz, the grammar. Grammar? The glamour? Not high.

You're high. And the Hollywood stars. It's beautiful. And you farted. And now you're sitting in a dark room with some kind of horror that you slopped home from the bar. Are you eating chicken wings? Oh, yeah. Little chicken rings and short ribs.

It's a delicious meal, but one little tear drops down your eye realizing the shame your mother would feel. You're Kevin Barnett. Okay. Kevin Barnett. You decided not to fuck this hot Asian bitch because you want to play some Starcraft. You're fucking hanging out. You're having a good time. You're not to fuck this hot Asian bitch because you want to play some Starcraft. You're fucking hanging out.

You're having a good time. You're not eating chicken wings. Does that be racist? You're spending time with old people. That is racist. You're helping old people out. Right? The chicken thing is racist?

It's fried chicken. If it's fried chicken, then yeah, that's racist. Now you're an egg floating through space. Everyone eats fried chicken. It's delicious. Bye. You're a fucking egg. And now you're not.

And now you're breathing and opening your eyes. Finding yourself in the round table of gentlemen. Whoa! Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. What a dramatic, sweet, sweet prayer. I know, right? I don't know if it was one, actually, but I loved it. And so you're welcome, Lord Jesus Christ, the personal Lord and Savior.

Or Buddha. Or Buddha. I love the Buddha. I rub his belly. Do you? Kiss his little belly. Give a little raspberry kisses. And then I realize it's a baby.

Oh, good. And I've just grabbed some woman's baby. He's going to be a good friend. Interesting. He's a seastone. Hold it. Just before we begin, how much weed did you smoke

before the show today? Just like a couple of shotgun rippers. Shotgun rippers. Like a J-Bone, man. He did say grits and grammar instead of glitz and glamour. That's interesting. All right.

So we got Holden McNeely. Hey, buddy. And chicken rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fucked that one up, too. That is plausible. That's what they do, yeah, yeah. You fucked that one up, too. That is plausible. That's what they do at White Castle. How weird is that?

They're like, chicken ring. Interesting. The asshole. Are you here? I'm Jackie Zebrowski. Wait, wait, wait. I like my women like I like my eggs. White and poached.

Nice one. I love it. I was working on that one. I like it. It's very good. Send it in for Kevin Barnett. We got Cody Hess. Thanks for. I love it. I was working on that one. I like it. It's very good. Sit it in for Kevin Barnett. We got Cody Hess. Thanks for being here, Cody.

What's up, y'all? Hello. What are you saying? You sound different than Kevin. We got to get some chicken rings. I can't tell you the number of times I had a McNugget and said I wish this was more like a donut. Like more ringish.

Yeah. I agree. I agree. And John O'FodonnellDonald sent in for Ed Larson. How you doing, buddy? Hey, buddy. Wait, was that your Kevin Barnett impression? Oh, was I supposed to? No! God, no. Please.

It would just sound like Michael Shea. That's the kind of thing. Another comedian working on the scene. I mean, that's the thing. I'm not too fond of the ring, but I like it better than the nugget. It's very, very violent. I was upset. White Castle ring better than the nugget. It's very, very vital. I was upset. White Castle ring better than the nugget? I do, and I think that commercial for KFC is so funny when they're dissing all over the nugget.

They're like, McDonald's, chicken doesn't come in nuggets. Here at KFC, we've got popcorn chicken. It's like, chickens don't have popcorn fucking meat all over their body either. There's a bunch of, like, fucking scumbag sewer dwellers fighting over, like, which one's more cool. They're just so disgusted. As always with the news, we've got Marcus Parks. How you doing, buddy? Well, in the world of alchemy.

Oh, interesting. Human feces mixed with fertilizer and other ingredients and left on top of an electric heater will not turn to gold, an amateur alchemist in Belfast discovered. Paul Moran, whose experiment set his apartment on fire, was jailed for three months for arson and endangering the lives of others. Well, why did he think that the shit and fertilizer would turn to gold? Have you ever studied alchemy? No.

I mean, that's why I'm really interested. Is this an actual thing? Could it have possibly worked in any sort of alchemy netherworld? Well, alchemy is something that they have been trying since the Middle Ages, where they believed that they could turn things such as lead into gold through various magical scientific properties. I just love that they decided with the alchemy thing that they would take the opposite of gold, which is shit, and find a way to turn it into, like, nothing even, like, lead makes a little more sense. Maybe there's a way I could see that it is, a material that's not just like your dookies.

And was it human poopoos? It was his own. It was human make. Yes. Okay. It was poopy from a human person. Unlimited resource. Did he put the poop directly on the electric heater?

Yes. Oh, that would have smelled. That would have smelled. I know, right? That is stupid. That's just like, put it in a pot. I would say put the poopies in a pot of the oven. I think if it was in a pot, it would have worked.

Right? Little tiny poopies? You break it up into small poopies? Or one big poopo? I don't think you can get that one big poopo. Poopo, is that Spanish for poop? Poopo! Poopo!

Hey, yo soy poopo! I thought it was weird as the news was that it didn't work. Yeah. Imagine if it had worked That would have been incredible Mutiny, the whole world economic system as we know Would be thrown right off the axis and the world would end People would be covering themselves in shit

I am gold That is shit The people that put rocks up their ass And try to squeeze real hard to make it into a diamond That's possible I'm currently working on my fourth necklace. Ben's ass. Yeah, that's a thing.

I'm just amazed that a guy that thinks he can turn poop into gold didn't first read about how to make a truck bomb. It's very similar components, I feel like. Well, here's what Moran's lawyer says. He described his client as a man of, quote, considerable intellectual ability, but with drug problems. Oh. What drug leads you to poop alchemy? Poop.

Yeah, your own poop. Methamphetamine. That's alchemy. He was just trying to break bad, man. That actually is alchemy. Yeah. He's just trying to break bad. He's just trying to be the fucking next Walter White, man.

I'm down with it. I love it. He's just trying to, like, cut a new edge into the game, man. This whole news story is just a teaser for the fifth season. It's called Guerrilla Marketing in the digital era, dudes. It's pretty amazing. What's crazy with this story, though, is he actually ended up making

some chicken rings. Which is wild. The whole thing was facilitated by the chickens. That is like the chicken's O-ring, right? Yeah, a little butthole. That is the chicken's butthole. If right? Yeah. Your little butthole. That is the chicken's butthole. If they just call it chicken's butthole, I think I'd eat more of it. I would love it.

Oh, man, because then you could definitely ring them around your tongue and feel really good about it. Or just chicken hole. Chicken hole. Chicken hole. Give me that chicken hole. I love that. As long as I can dip a chicken hole in ranch, I'm fine. I'll eat it.

Yeah, exactly. The more you say chicken hole in ranch, I'm fine. I'll eat it. As long as I can eat it. Yeah, exactly. The more you say chicken hole, the more disgusting it becomes. I just saw a documentary, True Story, about the history of hot dogs and hamburgers and the establishment of the White Castle thing. Oh, I saw the White Castle one. And it's funny because the flattering shots of White Castle all look disgusting. You can't make that product look good. No, you can't.

Because they have a marketing team, a whole series of other folks being like, all right, let's make it look like this is the nicest White Castle all look disgusting. You can't make that product look good. No, you can't. Because they have a marketing team, a whole series of other folks being like, all right, let's make it look like this is the nicest White Castle on Earth. And there's something about those burgers with the four random holes in them. Well, I know why they do the holes. Why do they do the holes?

They found out that it cooks quicker with those holes. It's like an assembly line thing. And the reason that it's... Yeah, the product cooks faster. And they're square because you could fit more onto the grill. Like, the thing. They were nuts. When they first started, there was like a whole checklist that it's and they're square because you could fit more onto the grill like the

thing they were nuts when they first started there was like a whole checklist of what the employees had to look like they only hired

men like good looking like white are you sure good I feel like the check is like beer check rap sheet check I swear to god

we're gonna have you a job here but at the beginning and it was like you have to keep your nails cut your hair in a certain

way it was like fucking nuts I mean it makes sense anyone who's you know fascist enough to conform every single hamburger to look just like the other hamburger keep your nails cut, your hair in a certain way. It was like fucking nuts. They were trying to do beachy filet. I mean, it makes sense. Anyone who's fascist enough to conform every single hamburger to look just like the other hamburger would make his employees all look like fucking Aryan youths. Yeah, I was about to say, White Castle sounds a little Nazi-ish. It does have white. That's what they said.

It was named White for purity and Castle for strength. That's hilarious. Get out of here. Just watch this thing. I just watched this thing on the biography channel. We could have been serving the White Castle party right now. We could be saluting to them.

It's so funny because the KFC general apparently notoriously racist. And of course, the black clientele love his product. It's gotta be amazing to make...

They do. Well, like Tommy Hilfiger. And Tommy Hilfiger. It's gotta be weird to feel like... And Hugo Boss was involved in designing the Nazi uniforms. Really? Yeah, that's why they look so sharp.

They did look well. What about FUBU? That's all black. Oh, for a spy, it's all black. I bought one of those shirts, and when somebody told me what it meant, I actually got really sad. And I was just like, why wouldn't they want me to wear their clothes? And I was like, I'm huge fat, I am the definition,

I'm what fills your clothes. I am the flesh that fills all of your outfits. It's for us, by us. And it's for us, by us, obviously. But it's weird to start a company up and just hate everybody and then just realize that your clientele is exactly what you hate. I guess it's like that, with that Doug Stanhope story

where he's walking down the street and hooligans are walking towards him. He's like, ah, we better go to the other side of the street. And then it turns out they were all in the front row of his show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, I feel like that's just one of those things in life that you have no control over. What, you're ability to wear FUBU?

No, you can wear FUBU. That's what that metaphor was? That Doug Stanhope hooligan metaphor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all about uncomfortability while wearing FUBU? Everyone is comfortable wear FUBU. That's what that metaphor was? That Doug Zanhopooligan metaphor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all about... Your uncomfortability while wearing FUBU? I was... Everyone is comfortable in FUBU. It's the... It's amazing.

They're so big. It is like wearing... It is gorgeous. It's like wearing a baby's skin. It is so, so soft and loose. What about KOOGIE? Now, what's KOOGIE? Or is it KOOGIE?

Oh, KOOGIE. It's the much more colorful brand of hip-hop sportswear. Is that also hip-hop sportswear? Oh, absolutely. I had a phase in college for about two years where I found as a fellow gigantic person Six foot seven, both of us. That the hip-hop clothes I'm sorry, what is it called?

It's not about how it's your fucking alien hip-hop. When did you turn into Mitt Romney? The urban fashion. Black clothes. Black clothes fit because they're made to be baggy. But if you're gigantic and you put them on, that's how clothes are supposed to fit. They're perfect. See, that's why I only shop at black girl shops.

Yeah, you said you were shopping at, what was it? Rainbow. Yeah, and Henry only shops at Fat Albert's. Yeah, man. Albert's? Yeah, you've never been to a Fat Albert's up in Bushwick? Fat Albert's, right. Henry loved Fat Albert's. shops at Fat Albert's. Yeah, man. Albert's? Yeah, you've never been to a Fat Albert's up in Bushwick? Yeah, Henry loved Fat Albert's. Yeah, Fat Albert's.

It's a department store. Yeah. Sebrowskis are shaped like black people, but we're not as beautiful as black people are. More beautiful. It's different. Well, I mean, let's... Was that racist? No, you're kidding.

If Henry and I were both black, we'd definitely be better looking. Yeah. If you and Henry were black, we'd be black. I know that you guys want to be black so badly. Hissy wants to be black so badly. There's a circle of Fat Alberts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fat Alberts.

It's over on Broadway off of the Lorimer stop on the J. You never got a comment from Hissy like, oh, I didn't know Rock-A-Wear made preppy sweatshirts. Me? Yeah. I never wore Rock-A-Wear. The only thing I had was the FUBU. Tommy Hilfiger. I wore some Tommy Hilfiger.

Yeah, I wore some Tommy. Tommy's bad, though. I know you're the same height as Kissel, but also look at what you're wearing right now. Cody S. is wearing a blazer, and Kissel is wearing a Tales from the Crypt shirt. I don't think you guys are very much similar in the ways you guys dress. You dress very well. You like to wear the suits and things of that nature. His posture is much better.

I worked for a costume designer for a while. I have a lot of gay friends who have my back. Oh, fantastic. They probably have a whole series of other men's backs as well. Oh, talking about butt sex, yo. Butt sex, yo. I've been talking about butt sex. That's a good song.

I love that song. I feel like if they combined their outfits, it would look kind of cooler. If that Tales from the Crypt was underneath that blazer and that yellow was underneath the black zipped up pretty high, that's how I would feel. Two chicks would be blowing that person right now. Right now, Ben just looks like a scumbag and Cody looks like some sort of dude

that's just on a beach. Like came from Michigan. Yeah, you came from Michigan. You're like on vacation. On business? Oh, on vacation? Okay, good. It's like business and vacation. Yeah, he's just going to make a couple phone calls and have a couple meetings while he's there. He's mainly there for vacation. Me making fun of him and him not smiling is terrifying.

I mean, I don't turn off my Blackberry. Viscation? Sand and salt water involved. What's another news story, Parks? Still staying in the world of feces. Thank God. Did you poo-poo? Did I do the poo-poo?

I don't want to do the poo-poo. New Jersey cops may have cracked the case of the thief who has been burglarizing vehicles and defecating in the backseat of the ransacked cars. We're talking about Dukey! Is this somebody from Occupy Wall Street? Because I hear that's a big problem with those protesters. They're shitting wherever they want, man.

I went down there yesterday. No place to poo-poo. I'm just happy the cops finally found that dude who shat in the Big Lebowski's car. That's very nice. Hadith Caesar, 18, was nabbed Hadith Caesar was nabbed Saturday after a witness called

cops to report that he had spotted a suspicious person inside an auto parked in a neighbor's driveway. Armed with a description provided by the witness, this is a carteret, New Jersey, carteret cops arrested Caesar who had pedaled away from the burglarized car. Oh, he's on a mountain bike.

On a mountain bike. On a street bike. And as it happened, he turned to the cops and he said, et tu, poupe? Uh-huh. All right, Caesar jokes. I get it. Nice one, dude. It took me a little.

But I got it. Et tu, poupe? I thought of it like halfway through what you were saying. I was just like, fucking going to fucking nail this one. He's like getting arrested for stealing a car, but then he's leaving future gold. So it's like. Yeah, future gold. He's paying it forward.

He just had to get to the gas station. Yeah. But wait, he doesn't steal the cars. He just shits and leaves. That's his deal? No, he steals everything in the car, but then he shits. Oh, that's like his signature. That's like.

He's calling. Yeah, he's like the wet bandits. That's great. I'm on to that. Like, I think that I would rather a guy shit in my car and steal the piddly change I've gotten in than like kids that key your car. Have your cars ever been keyed before? I would much rather have my car keyed than shit in.

Really? The thing about having your car shit in, it's just such an invasion of your personal space. I mean, it's like shitting in somebody's bed. Yeah, but what if he doesn't have to shit when he steals the car? Then what? I'm sure he waits. Do you think he waits? I used to go shitting on cars all the time.

Shit on cars? Whatever. Yeah, we've talked about this before. We shit on that sign. There was a time in Ben's life where he just absolutely, completely hated the world. He shit all over it. Did you literally shit on cars? Nice cars, man.

Only the best cars. Because those are the cars that need to be brought down to earth a little bit. Yeah, he almost got killed for it once. Really? I don't know about getting killed. Beat up. Oh, well, I almost got beat up a whole series of times growing up. I don't think all shit-related incidents.

Keying is the worst severe vandalism. No matter... Keying the car. Well, I mean, I feel like a key. Nowadays, they have that pen that you can have, and you just scrub it on there, and it makes it look like a brand new Mercedes. Oh, but no matter how disgusting shit is, you just wipe it off. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's something about other people's shit. I've never cleaned another person's shit, and I don't ever want to. It's not on the bucket list. And I think that that's the main thing is the mental. Who here has had to clean up another person's shit? You've never changed diapers before? Oh, Lord, no. Are you kidding?

Don't get me anywhere near those things. I saw a couple changing a diaper the other day on the subway, and they were just laughing. They were just smiling. And it's like, I never want to get so comfortable. I never want to get so comfortable with another human being's anus and shit all over. Can you just clean up? Anybody here clean up poopy other than Jaggy's? Oh, dog shit.

Dog shit. Dog shit's one thing. Man, one time, the kid didn't want to go to sleep because it was a nanny for a long time. I put him down. He was crying and crying. Usually, he just went to sleep. I ended up walking in, and he had taken off his diaper that he had shit in, and he had shit all over the crib he had shit all over the

crib and had shit all over himself. I thought, man, he was the fucking worst thing ever. And also there was shit all over his favorite stuffed animal that he couldn't go anywhere with. So I had to like soak everything and scream the entire time. I had to clean up

shit off the walls, off of his mattress, clean all the sheets. Now I understand Casey Anthony. I understand why Casey Anthony did what she had to do. I understand why parents, like why a mother would kill her children. I understand. I can see it. I think that we should allow, I mean, people are always like, oh, you killed your child.

We should allow mothers to murder their children. No, but I don't think that it should be the same as when two adults murder each other. Because the thing is, you just birthed this thing out. It's like it's your property. You know, it's like if I have a car and I choose to crash it into a wall, I can crash it into a wall. Ben, I think that's a great point. As long as it's your wall. I think that makes so much sense.

As long as it's your wall. But I'm just saying, I can see how the confusion lays in in these people's brains. Because they're like, you came out of me. I made you out of nothing. I'm just going to kill you now. And I can make another one just like you. I see no moral or common sense. There are moral issues.

There's definitely the common sense is kill that fucking baby. Just shat around everywhere and it's screaming and the Packers are on. Yeah. That's how you fucking rip it out of you, man. You rip it out of you before it's a problem. Yeah, if anything like poops on my lips, I'm going to kill that thing. It's going to be and it's going to shit on your lips. Would you give a girl a rim job?

No, I'm not into any of that butt licking ass kind of shit. Maybe someday. I have evolved in my prowess, but I stay away from the butt on both sides. Put a little chicken rings down there.

Eat that right out. That would be tasty. Hey, honey, do we have any ranch? I think we're all out, but you can use my ass. Nature's enema. There was a kid in fifth grade that during a... He went to the bathroom and he actually

took a shit in his hand and wrote on the wall, this is my shit. Oh, interesting. I thought that was a meta and sort of like a good art project. I thought it was a little arty. Like this is not a pipe. Yeah. I knew this guy in college.

He just kept all of his urine. Just kept it underneath the kitchen sink. Like Howard Hughes style? I don't know. I don't know why he did it. Is Howard Hughes? That's what he did? Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like that could grow up to be an artist. I mean, obviously now he works at White Castle. But did he intend to be an artist? Yeah. Talking about the famous aviator? Or the famous guy that... I'm talking about the guy who wrote This Is My Shit.

No, I'm talking... No, no, no. Oh, that guy? Yeah, that's the conversation I'm having. Oh, no. He's a cowboy. Oh. I'll tell you what.

He's a cowboy. All right. Well, good for him. What was I going tell you what. He's a cowboy. All right. Well, good for him. What was I going to say, Ben? Something about Howard? Wait, did that dude that collected all the urine get laid a lot? No, he was terrifying. He wore a Michael Myers mask.

He used to just hang out in the yard in his Michael Myers mask. And he was about six feet tall with long blonde hair and pretty built, real quiet and loved horror movies like Motel Hell and Cannibal Holocaust. He really liked some dark shit. Everyone was pretty terrified of him. Why do you know so much about him?

One of my best friends lived with him. That piss thing under the sink, it was fine, but I just don't know why he's keeping it. When did he change it out? Because you can only store so much piss. He stored just, it was in 40 bottles. Any bottle he could get his hand on, he'd piss in and put it under the kitchen sink. That's such a serial killer thing, I feel.

It was, right? But I don't think he ever did kill anybody. I think he's married now. He absolutely wouldn't get rid of it. No, he's a woman for everybody. He was in art school. He was an art student. And I think it was just one of those things where he was trying to be shocking, but it's like,

I don't care. You can keep your piss anywhere. I'll tell you what, man. I'm not too concerned. I used to milk my mother while she was asleep and bring it to school the next day and just sneak it into the kids' lunch milks. Yeah, that's good. That's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard.

They all started to look like you. Mommy loved it, though. She was a trooper. I think she was awake most of the time. I'm sure. Of course, fucking feeling on her fucking tits. Wait, did she have a younger brother or something? No, are you kidding me?

He's the fucking youngest. Can you imagine how sad her younger brother would be? How are you old enough and she was still lactating? I mean, there's so many flaws in this logic here. Dude, if he continued to suck on her muscles... No, no, it really happened. Yeah, it'll continue to lactate. If you keep on sucking, she'll keep on making it.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, the female body works in the same way that the marketplace does, supply and demand. And Holden was always in mad demand for that sweet, sweet supply. Love that milk. I mean, when you, yeah, if you can have it and put it back in her. Put the milk back in your mother. How would you do that, Holden?

Just, you know, one of those, you know, those things that blow the fire, get the fire getting blown. Inside of her mouth or inside of her... Funnel milk in there. Or a base job of her fucking pussy. How long do I have to keep doing this? No, I'm just saying. Or a pussy and her fucking belly would get big. Yeah, man, you baste her with her own milk.

Yeah, that's the thing. Is there a place where we as adults have an opportunity to taste breast milk legally? Absolutely. Don't remember what it tastes like. Absolutely. It's like coconut milk. It's like Rihanna should be advertising taste breast milk legally? Absolutely. What it tastes like. It's like coconut milk. It's like Rihanna should be advertising for breast milk. You can buy ice cream that's made with breast milk in England.

Baby Gaga. We've actually talked about what breast milk tastes like I want to say 20 times in this podcast. Oh, multiple times. Also, there are girls that just lactate all the time. They have milk parties. So many times. Also, there are girls that just lactate all the time. Oh, really? They have milk parties.

I know one. They drink off of each other. Yeah, one of my friends lactates all the time. What do you mean? Why does she always lactate in? Because it's just something that's a glandular problem that you just produce milk and you can't stop it. Sounds like a runny nose.

Kind of, yeah. It's out of time. Some men lactate. Yeah, it's like a discharge. I've heard about that. It's just like discharge. That's gotta suck. I mean, or it's awesome. What's that terrible joke? If men could lactate,

they'd lactate beer, you know, and then they'd drink it all, and then they'd never get off the couch. I read an article that breast milk is actually like a commodity. Like, they do, like, women can sell their breast milk. Like, this woman makes a living storing it and selling it for women that either can't produce enough or produce stuff that's not healthy. They found, you know, breast milk. Like, this woman makes a living, like, storing it and selling it for women that either can't produce enough or produce stuff that's not healthy.

It makes sense. They found, you know, breast milk is the most healthy thing for a baby to eat. Not this, you know, what is it, cremation? Formula and all that shit. Formula. Of course not, right? Suck on that sweet tape. I'm definitely going to do that so I can continue to drink alcohol.

Because, like, I don't want to give the baby the alcohol, but then, like, I can buy someone else's. No, you can do that, can't you? A little mudslide. Not through the breast milk. But doesn't those... No, if you're drinking, you're not supposed to drink a lot of alcohol when you're breastfeeding. Oh, come on.

No, that's why. If I'm not breastfeeding, then I can drink as much as I want. So you're going to give the baby formula so you can drink. No, I'm going to buy someone else's breast milk. Oh, it's readily available. I care about the child. I was about to say, that's not a good job. I mean, those milk machines hurt the tit.

They hurt. I don't know. But in this economy, you got to do what you got to do, man. You do got to do... I mean, they're milk machines hurt the tit they hurt I don't know but in this economy you gotta do you gotta do man. You do I mean there Yeah, my sister when my sister was pregnant I was like doesn't that thing hurt and she's like do you want to feel it? I said yeah, and it's like it's the newer I guess the newer ones that kind of simulates almost how it's going to feel when your child is breastfeeding So it's like a, that shit fucking hurts.

Imagine someone just squeezing your nipples over and over again, not in a sexual way. This is getting good. I love it. It's bad. I was like, ah! Especially when there's no milk to get. And so it was just like sucking and sucking.

It was just like, get it off! Get it off of me! That's amazing. But you gotta breast milk, though. You gotta breastfeed because you want that baby girl leeches. Of course I'll breast fucking feed anything that comes out of me. But you'll drink, too. I mean, it's fine. Kids can deal with a little liquor.

I'm gonna have a child with my brother anyway, so it's gonna be weird. Uh-oh. Hello. That is fun. I am just happy never to have a sister because sexual tension in a family is very disgusting. I had a buddy growing up. He had the hottest girl in school for his older sister because sexual tension in a family is very disgusting. I had a buddy growing up. He had the hottest girl in school for his older sister.

And I saw her in the shower once. And that was pretty fucking sweet. And it's just weird because he has to realize that his sister is unbelievably gorgeous. Do you think your brothers had any tension going on between them? They wanted to fuck me, maybe? I was a little cute. Oh, yeah, man. Turn you gay?

Yeah, maybe. You just want to be considered hot by your brothers, I think. I always wanted to be considered hot by my brothers, but they think that I'm funny. And I don't know, my brothers are not each other's type. Because my eldest brother likes gay people wearing army pants. And then my middle brother likes really, really rich gay people who take care of him and buy him everything. That's what kind of gay guy I would be. I would love... My middle brother's life is fucking amazing.

Dude, I've been to his apartment. Two-story home. Ridiculous. Unbelievably nice. Washer and dryer in-house. In-house? Only the gays. He's just like a bottom and that's the way it works. I don't even know, man.

You know what? You don't know? He does a whole series of different things in that business. You never asked? He's a gymnast. He's a mastermind. Literally a gymnast? He doesn't work.

He just gapes all day in the mirror. He says, wink it, wink it. Wow. And then when the boyfriend gets home, they just fuck. He's got a sugar daddy, for real? Yeah, sugar daddy. They fuck. He's chained up. Actually, my brother's chained up. Yeah, yeah. So he's not allowed to leave. That's the thing. He's got a sugar daddy, for real? Yeah, sugar daddy. They fuck. He's chained up.

Actually, my brother's chained up. Yeah, yeah. So he's not allowed to... That's the thing. You're not a dog walker. You take care of your brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's why I know all about human feces and things of that nature.

He's a good looking guy. Yeah, he's a dreamboat. He used to be a model. He's very attractive. He's like, imagine me, but then just slightly uglier, like that attractive. I see what Ben did right, like he is super attractive. Definitely suave. I remember he shook my hand

and I was like, hi! I know you're gay, but wow. It's the eyes. You really want him to jump on your bones, huh? I'd ask for it. I love it. Between KFC having a large black hand and that dude being totally racist, I think it's equivalent to every woman just like

loving every single gay man on earth because they're so well put together and attractive and kind and sweet. I think I might have slept with the same amount of gay men as I did straight men. Really? Yeah. I mean that's probably How is that possible? No, that's not true. But I slept with a lot of gay men. You know, you're actually

you look a little bit similar to my brother's fuck buddy that he used to have a gal in high school. Oh, yeah. That they were just like, they were safe. Just fuck buddies. Yeah. It's like you could, it's like I got. But they were in the closet still.

That's why. Or. Some of them. And then some of them I was just like, well, you're not doing anything. I want to wet fuck. You know. God damn it. You would not have gotten out of high school without four children if I went to a high

school with you So does that mean if a man pretends to be gay He can have girls randomly offer him sex Because it doesn't matter I think this theory has been tested right In a number of unsuccessful romantic comedies Yeah If he gets up right away

Then he's not gay What did you say If you fuck a guy and he's definitely gay it's a while to get him hard because he doesn't want you. What technique do you use? Do you just use

the rub it against the thigh technique or do you just punch it or stare at it? A blowjob is a blowjob. Well, a blowjob is a blowjob. A blowjob with closed eyes

and imagination can do wonders. On that same note have you had a soft penis in your mouth for about as long amount of time as you've had a hard penis in your mouth? No, no, no. I get them hard fast.

So fast. Honestly, as a man who never wants to suck any dick, I would just be so much more offended. And I feel like it's grosser to have a soft dick in your mouth. Soft dick in your mouth is difficult. It's difficult to deal with. If I'm going to have a dick, I just want the hardest, biggest dick. You know, at the very least. I wouldn't go that far. I would do, you know. Yeah's difficult to deal with. If I'm going to have a dick, I just want the hardest, biggest dick. You know, at the very least, something that... I wouldn't go that far.

I would do, you know... You have to go the other end of the spectrum there, you know what I mean? No, I just want a huge one. Not so big that it hurts, but hard enough that you feel good about it. Oh, it's hard. I mean, you're drunk because you might throw up. You think hard big versus, you know, hard small. Hard big, you're going to hurt your neck a lot more.

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a lot more physical activity involved. At the very least, at the very least, if somebody whips out a huge dick, you're going to be like, well, the novelty of it.

You know, like, wow. Like one of those big pencils. Right, exactly. Obviously, they write terribly. You can't do small print.

But they're fun. But they're fun. And that's why I blame that large pencil. I used to have one in seventh grade. That's why I could never do multiplication. Long form.

It was terrible. The fucking things on that. The lead on those large pencils. I could go on about it. I could just talk for an hour about the whole thing. I have a twin sister that looks remarkably similar to Jackie. If she still spoke to me, I would be able to show you a picture. And true.

Why doesn't she speak to you anymore? I think that was a cry for help right there. I think so. Why doesn't she speak to you anymore? I think that was a cry for help right there. You have a twin sister? Oh, absolutely. We're getting to all the bottom. Why doesn't she speak to you right now, Cody? We've talked about your sister before. Cody, I need to hear about her. Well, she married a gay fellow.

Really? Turns out gay marriage was legal. Gay fellow. I've used that joke like a thousand times in my life. Some shit went down. Why did she marry him? Well, she loved him. Why don't you say he didn't?

He came out after they got married? He has not come out. But he's not like we're pretty sure he's gay. He likes musical theater type of gay. It's like he fucks dudes type of gay. Is's like he fucks dudes type of gay. Is he glory hole in it?

Yeah. It's confirmed that he fucks dudes. Yeah. And she's still married to him? Correct. Do they have children together? One. That's why. She's in big time denial though, right? Like she knows, but she just kind of goes on. I haven't spoken to her in three years. Then why haven't you spoken

to her? That's what I want to know. Yeah, you're a nice guy. They cut us off. They cut us all off. Who did? Really? Oh, the gay couple. Was it because the family wasn't supportive of it? Oh, well, extremely unsupportive.

Well, of course. Well, I mean, yeah. If I have a daughter, I don't want her to marry the fellow that's fucking a whole bunch of dudes on the side. Well, yeah. Just for the disease factor. No, I understand. It's just...

Not for the novelty of it? Not for the... I mean, then again. Then again, it's kind of fun to be like, hey, what's up, son-in-law? Ben said just for the disease factor, not for... I mean, I'm telling you, there's something about being

on the down low. I used to go to this bar Roses all the time in Penn Station, and homeless fellas used to go there, and that's where they would all fuck in the bathroom. I walked in on them multiple times. And, you know, it is not necessarily the tidiest of all places. As a matter of fact, I was eating a pizza. I was with my girlfriend.

A cockroach climbs up to the wall right next to her head, which was disgusting. We see a guy carrying in a bunch of meat, just like completely naked, just in a bucket. Like a bucket of sausages. And then two blonde chicks came in to go to the bathroom.

And then they saw the bathroom. And then I heard a shriek. And then they both ran out. So I don't know what was going on. Some sort of acid trip in hell? What the fuck was that? What I'm telling you is this, dude. That fucking down low life that your sister's husband's living is a fucking disgusting one.

What? No, no. That has nothing to do with that. Your metaphors are fucking insane. life that your sister's husband's living is a fucking disgusting one. No, no, no. Your metaphors are fucking insane. Like all the analogies. You made a few analogies this time and I wanted to bring up one of the... And your math is wrong. Why?

As I recall, four blondes walked into the restroom and both of them ran out. He said two blondes. I'm glad that was Cody's problem. This is roses. Check it out at Yeah, because two blondes. He said two blondes. Well, I'm glad that was Cody's problem with the situation. I mean, this is roses. Check it out at Penn Station. You got to go.

But so, okay, so how does the cockroach, the big bucket full of naked sausages, and the two girls in the bathroom all come together? That's where gays fuck on the down low. Yeah. That's what I'm telling you. Roses, man. No, nothing. No. I know it for a fact.

It's a foreign Penn Station. I talked to the dudes who fuck the other dudes And they're like yeah this is where we come to fuck each other I don't dispute that I was drinking with them I don't dispute that that probably happens I just don't see how Cockroach, naked sausage

And two girls screaming in the bathroom Equals down low No it's because I'm telling you That's the place that they're going to fuck. That's just an example of how dirty it is. Just like a unisex restroom somewhere in Wisconsin? I think everyone has smoked entirely too much

weed, exactly. Wait, there's a bucket of actual sausages? No, sausages. That's right, I thought it was like a... It's a pizza place! Rose's Pizza! Yeah, it's an awful place. We used to go and just fucking be like... What is wrong with you guys?

Because Ben got along with... Yeah, I'm the weirdo in this fucking pizza place. You are the weirdo. Everyone knew what I was talking about. What was I going to say? I got jacked off to for the first time when I got dragged to Rose's fucking pizza. Yeah, so you are welcome. There was a homeless guy sitting at the table next to us, and we were all drunk, and we

were continuing to drink, and I looked over, sitting at the table next to us, and we were all drunk, and we were continuing to drink. And I looked over, and he literally had his dick out, and he was just staring at me and just fucking jacking it. Did that make you feel good about yourself a little bit? I mean, of course. I felt beautiful. I need to feel beautiful sometimes. But I'm just saying, that's the sort of establishment that your sister's husband's hanging out in so she's gonna be very careful He's gonna be getting that dick in a whole series of these factors out of control. Yeah, really

That sound like a spin-off of Fear Factor, but you fuck a bunch of gay dudes Yeah glory hole round I mean the thing is if you go to a glory hole you stick your cock through it doesn't matter if it's a man or a Woman on the other end if you don't know I feel like my dick will be able to tell the difference You stick your cock through it. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman on the other end if you don't know. That's what I'm saying about Giga. I feel like my dick would be able to tell the difference. What if it's a fucking cobra? That's my thing. What if it's a dude with a brick?

Oh, yeah. Or just a samurai sword just ready to cut it off. Yeah, just chop and bit. Well, let's say theoretically that it's just another person on the other end. And you know if you put your dick in there, a mouth is going to touch it and suck you off until you come. I will say it does matter because of the disease factor. Good point. It's the disease factor.

You are now entering the disease factor. I like the disease factor. Joe Rogan's going to get his career right back on track. Do they have glory holes like that besides the Jewish sheets? I don't think that's a glory hole. There's nothing glorious about that. If there's a vagina on the other side? There's nothing glorious about that. You know what I mean? Like if there's a vagina on the other side of the glory hole,

do they do that? I hate fucking this! I've seen pornography like that. Yeah. It's pretty good. You know, like you have, there's the wall between them, but they don't really know what's going on.

And it's pretty good. It's a little sexy. Really dirty. I'm just going to use vagina glory hole. Vagina glory hole. Hold on, segment is coming up. It's a little sexy. Really dirty. Vagina glory hole. Vagina glory hole for Holden's segment that's coming up? Yeah, I thought it didn't exist. That's very funny.

Do we want to do the segment, or do we want to do a couple more news stories? We'll do one more news story. Juicy segment coming your way, though. Stay tuned for Segment with Holden. Yeah! Such a clever name for that portion of the program. And it's cool when he slightly changes his voice, but initiates the... What am I trying to say?

I don't know. I don't know, man. He announced his segment, but with a different voice, as though the segment wasn't for him. He was like, and now coming on stage, Holden! Hi, guys, I'm Holden! That's what I was trying to say. All right, this is a story from my home state of Texas. Dallas police are on the...

And actually, Cody's home state as well. Excellent. Dallas police, that's my people. And yeah, that is your people. South Lake Carol Man. You're from Dallas? Oh, South Lake. Was your father a lawman?

No, no, he built swimming pools. Oh, fair enough. Strange fact, I went to college with a man that Cody went to high school with. What was his name? Nick Karisamy. Little mean guy. Played hockey. Pretty badass.

Stranger fact. He was a tough dude. Stranger fact, Cody's dad builds swimming pools. Yeah. That's pretty awesome. Good business. Good business intentions. More of a dig thing than a build thing.

No, he's got to be a fucking strong-ass man. Well, I mean, he's old now. I bet he was great in his prime, though. He's a big dude. Like, he's the whole... All of our combativeness to do with each other is that he was always like the fucking stud. Real beef kid. And I was always like some giant fucker who wasn't actually that good at the sports he played.

Did you ever get into a fisticuffs with him? No. He's got old man strength. Are you crazy? Yeah, you don't fuck with old man strength. It's real. Yeah, one time I tried to arm wrestle like a 77-year-old dude.

He was like a fucking barrel. He kicked my ass. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it was for real, though. You're very tiny, though. I can't wait until I'm 60 years old. I'm not a strong man. No, no, you are. I'm not like a total pussy. No, no. I'm't wait until I'm 60 years old. I'm not a total

pussy. I'm playing tennis and basketball. We're not saying you're a pussy. I can do like 40 pushups. It just wasn't a shocking statement that you were like a loss. You're never going to win. Maybe 35.

Depends on the day. What about this story? Dallas police are on the hunt for a man who's accused of attacking a woman with a frozen armadillo. That'll happen. Yeah! Yeah! That will happen. So do it.

The September 29th altercation occurred in the parking lot of an apartment complex where the 57-year-old was buying the carcass from the suspect so she could eat it. 57-year-old was buying the carcass from the suspect so she could eat it. An argument over the price led to the man allegedly throwing the dead animal at the woman, not once, but twice. You can't haggle over the price of a dead armadillo. Armadillo meat, that's unhaggable. A dead armadillo can only have come from one place. Which is the road.

The road, of course. No, they're everywhere. So it should have been free. It's a finders keepers sort of system. See, that's the thing. You can really find armadillo. I mean, I don't know why this woman was so hard up for armadillo. What's that? Sorry, I just feel like the losers don't weepers, though.

Was she like a rich lady that really got off on eating exotic food? I mean, what does armadillo taste like? I feel like it must be very gamey. Almost like an alligator meat. Yeah, there's not a whole lot of meat on an armadillo. So then they just threw it in the freezer, Gaddafi style? Which is my favorite story about that, Libya, by the way. Gaddafi is literally in a deli's freezer right now.

And people are coming to the deli and visiting his corpse. That's the best place they could think of. Which makes sense. I mean, you've got to get the guy on ice. But it's just, that's not up to sanitation code. You imagine if you were working in New York and you had to go and be like, A, B, C. Oh, you have Gaddafi's body in your freezer. Okay, we're going to have to mark you down.

That's seven points. Yeah. You still pass, though. People eat armadillos, yeah? I mean, I've actually never heard. I mean, people, you can eat anything, but armadillos are... How would you even crack it open? It's mostly shell.

Yeah. It's mostly shell. It seems like a less rewarding form of a lobster sort of. I feel like if anybody ate it in here, it'd definitely be Marcus. Have you eaten squirrel and raccoon and stuff? I've eaten rabbit.

Yeah, rabbit's pretty common though. I've eaten rabbit. I've eaten snake. How was snake? You know, gamey, chickeny. I feel like it would be like, did you get it like you get, what do you call that fried octopus? Calamari? Did you like calamari? It's a bit like calamari, but not quite as rubbery.

I'm over it. I hate calamari, especially when they put the little baby squids in with the full heads of the teeth. I need it ringed. I literally, speaking of going back to rings, chicken, maybe not the best ringed, but calamari octopus needs to be runged. Yeah, the ringed. Because it is amazing. I have seen calamari rings. Yeah.

No, it's my favorite form of calamari. Not good for the chicken, but great for that sea beast. Marcus, have you ever eaten rat? I've never eaten rat, no. Dennis Leary style. I really thought there was going to be a time that we were all going to have to move underground and start eating rats. But the future never is going to entail us eating rats. It's going to be protein bars.

You're talking about Demolition Man? Yeah, you're talking about Demolition Man right now. One of the best movies of all time. Demolition Man is kind of coming true, too. He doesn't know what he used the three seashells. Yeah, what a fucking weirdo. Okay, can we get to the bottom of that? How do you use the three seashells? I seriously spent

like 20 minutes thinking about this. All that time, huh? Yeah. I really thought you were going to say like a semester in college. I seriously spent 20 minutes thinking about this the other day. This was last week. I was on the train and I was bored. All right, Einstein of the seashells.

What did you deduce? What are they for? How do you use them? Bring us the thesis. What I'm thinking is that there's some sort of mechanism that spreads the cheeks apart, and then you get down there with the two seashells, and

you use the two to get the sides, and then the third one you use to scrape up. This is exactly what Rose's Pizza has in their bathroom. I love it. See, that seems like less technological than the paper. That's the thing.

But then you rinse them off afterwards and then you can use them again. You're so fucking wrong, dude. Clearly the way it works is that basically, it's like, you know how different seashells make different songs when you blow into it? You're thinking about sea cones.

Seaconshells. I feel like that could fit theoretically. No, no, no. They showed it in the movie. There were three actual sea shells. Open shells, right? Open shells. Okay, let's say that one of those shells, because it's the future, was able to make music.

What happened is they figured out in an auditory sense that if you blew in certain ones, it would such a rhythm calibrating with how, you know, the texture of the shit in your ass that it would rip it all out and put it into another seashell and then the other one was actually a living seashell that eats the shit and that's how it disappears. Oh, that's okay. Mine is much more practical. Some pervert was farting into

a seashell to make music, silly, silly music, and he farted the resonant frequency of his own rectum and shook himself loose. I don't know what John's looking at. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That validates it. It does not validate

your theory whatsoever. What do you think the deal is? I used to fart in bowls when I was a child. I liked doing that. I still like to fart in seashells, I'm sure. I think it's just less than that. I feel like it's just a scrape, a scrape, and then another scrape. That's what I was

saying. Why would they do that? Why would they replace it? I don't know, but I will say I don't think that there's some machine that spreads your ass cheeks for you. The hand can do that. The human hand has this. You can, but I think the machine works a little bit better. I feel like maybe they don't have trees anymore to make the...

No, there are trees. There are trees in Demolition. It's just tough. I feel like the future should have silk. That's what I want to wipe my ass with. I think that it's one of those things where you have to arrange them in a certain way and a bunch of weird lasers and things pop out of them

and clean out your ass. It's some futuristic kind of wavelength. Like Eon Flux stuff. Yeah. Yeah, there's a bidet laser aspect to it. Exactly. Yeah. So you think there's something...

Yeah, so it's like the future meets, you know, modern... They found some new kind of metal or something that, like, emits some kind of thing. If any of you listeners at the roundtable out there want to get your theory of the three seashells, please post on the Facebook page. I like it, man. It's like, you know, the future technologies coming together with organic earth matter. It's like when you put wood paneling

on the side of a station wagon. You know, it's really nice. It's like, is that a tree? No. God, your analogies are just so clear. I mean, that's why I'm the greatest human being. Aristotle says it's a sign of genius. He did.

Aristotle was an idiot. All right. All right. All right. And now we have the aforementioned segment from Holden McNeil. There you go. If you're familiar with this, it's rule 34 on the internet. It means that if it exists, there's porn of it.

The contest there being, we're going to go around. Marcus is going to be our resident Googler. Google man. Our point man. He's going to define and decide the winner. So the first one to get one out, because we could play this for a long time. That's the thing. I mean, you got to come up with something that's not porn of. I would suggest, you know, obviously if it's too complex, it's going to be, you know, it's a little much.

You know, if it's going to be like Robin Hood smelling feet on the top of a volcano. I mean, yeah, maybe that's not going to be some, I mean, that doesn't really exist though. You know, obviously we can't do kiddie porn, people. Obviously. Please do not make me Google that. No one's looking at children's porn. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Ben.

So the first one I had when I came in, I asked Marcus about, was Pac-Man porn. I found it within three seconds. Type it in. Have John describe the first thing that pops up on Pac-Man porn. I found it within three seconds. Type it in and have John describe the first thing that pops up on Pac-Man porn. Alright. It's just...

John, what do you see? What do you got? First of all, the post is called Ms. Pac-Man whores it up. Oh, that's what it is. Okay. Alright, now. They did not give the Ms. Pac-Man avatar genitals. Now, they did not give the Ms. Pac-Man avatar genitals. No, they put a big old Ms. Pac-Man head on top of a sexy naked lady.

Yeah. And then she got boned proper. There you go. Did she get boned by Pac-Man or? No, no. She's just wearing a huge Pac-Man head over her upper torso. So let me read you the copy from Hustler magazine. The headline, grab your joystick.

Yeah. When former porn top Debbie Gibson, or former porn tart Debbie Gibson, bared all for a competitor's rag, she became the latest in a long line of fading stars desperately trying to generate publicity and recap their fame. We know that celebrities in the nude sell, so imagine how excited we were

when one of the biggest stars of the 80s phoned Hustler about doing her first ever spread. Is it really Debbie Gibson? Here's the tagline. Is that a row of quarters in your pocket? Yeah. I love it. Is it really the singer-songwriter Debbie Gibson?

Different Debbie Gibson. Different Debbie Gibson. Good Christ. I thought she was doing pretty well. All right. Who's next? You got one? What do you got, Cody?

I don't know if this falls underneath the too tricky category. All right. But actor lookalikes. Ooh, I think that's a good one. Specifically, I've always wanted to see Tom Hanks fuck Meg Ryan. Interesting. Tom Hanks? I don't think that's too complicated.

No, man. Oh, man. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? You've got male, yes, please. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan does exist. It wasn't enough fucking in those movies. Absolutely. I feel like this is a very perverted family feud right now.

Good answer. Alright, let's see here. I think I may have I have found a porn on Xtube called Sleepless in Seattle. Closest I can come to it. I would give it to it. Closest you can come to it.

Closest I can get to that. Let me go ahead And put in like Tom Oh wait That's yum Tom Hanks

Meg Ryan Porn Alright let's see Let's see what we got I used to watch those movies On repeat I fucking love them

So much Sleep is in Seattle And you've got mail Oh she's still like My hottest celebrity chick I feel weird Like when people are like Who is it

Is it Jessica Alba? Or like blah, blah, blah. I just won't answer. Fuck Jessica Alba. Because I'm like, Meg Ryan turns me on. Old school Meg Ryan, man. She turns me on. My favorite was Kate Hudson.

No, what's the name of the black chick from Dream Girls? The closest, actually the closest. Jennifer Hudson was gorgeous and now she looks disgusting. The closest I can come to that is a German film of a remake of Forrest Gump called Forrest Takes a Dump. All right. So that means Cody is the point leader right now. You're the point leader. Also, did anybody notice Marcus saying, the closest I can come to that?

Oh, yeah. I could probably come to that. Forrest takes a dump. Oh man, a retard fucking a blonde chick naked playing a guitar? Sure. Then shitting himself? That would be pretty hot. I'm going to go meat porn.

If there's anything involving slabs of steak or... Oh lord, yes. But let's do it. Is that very popular? Porn star Alexis Silver in Meat Fest. Oh, no, Oh, absolutely. Oh, Lord, yes. But let's do it. Is that very popular? Porn star Alexis Silver in Meat Fest. Oh, no, no, no. Wait a second. Let's see here.

Meatporn from Sinfest.net. Nope. That is a comic book. Uh-oh. Sweatpantserection.com. Meatporn. See, the person who started that website will never be shocked by the clientele. That dude is always like, oh yeah, it's men with photos and sweatpants. I love the look on John's face right now.

It's just classy. He's just like, I'm just glad I'm not by that computer right now. See, really, whenever you put in meat porn, it's just pictures of meat. Meat fucking. Let's see here. Let's see if we can't find it. Meat porn could truly, like, we could just get off on pictures of meat. I would rub a steak on my clit.

I have seen somebody get banged with a bologna. Okay. Hey, I got this. This is from a site called MyMasturbationTop.com. It's masturbation stories. What a personal memoir it's a masturbation stories and it is a, how you masturbate with food. Here's one from a user called liver lover. Oh no.

Buy, buy a piece of the cheapest raw liver you can find, warm it up, slice a slot into and whack away. It feels as good as a real vagina. Oh, what kind of vagina is this? He had sex with, Slice a slot into and whack away. It feels as good as a real vagina. Ugh! What kind of vaginas does he have sex with?

Let me just go ahead and go through the names of these masturbation techniques. Sweet meat. Meat basket. What's meat basket? Meat basket is, I like to call this one the meat basket. Good. Gather a bunch of meat from the grocery store, especially tri-tip, prime rib,

and T-bone. Cut the meat off the bones and pile it all in a basket or bowl of some sort. Heat it to your preference. This is great. Add different spices and steak sauces and mix it all together.

That's not real. Take a piece of meat out and slop it all over your dick for arousal. Then insert your dick into the bowl and slide it over the saucy meat and cream your dinner. That's the thing. I think a big part of it is coming on the meat

and then eating the meat. And the last three are Mystery meat, just like pussy And taste of outdoors Give me taste of outdoors Just bookmark it and look at it later What is taste of outdoors? I like to go into the woods Finding some place secluded with my dog

Oh my god I take her for a walk I carry with me a big beef stick That I have cut a hole in Oh my god. Of course. I drop my pants and shorts and slip my cock into the hole. I mean, this is the prehistoric pocket pussy, isn't it? I like to sit down on top of a log and spread my legs wide and slowly thrust my hips into the beef stick pussy. It's not a pussy! My dog is good for alerting me if someone is coming.

I like to take my time. Him? That guy. I enjoy a prolonged tease before orgasm. The grease from the beef stick makes a wonderful lube and I get great suction, for the stick makes a tight fit and is longer than my cock. I get great suction for the stick makes a tight fit and is longer than my cock. I step every night. I stop every now and then to taste my juices and lick the stick. It tastes very good.

Then when I come, I lick the sperm from the stick. I want to vomit so bad. I can imagine that all being said in trial, sitting on the stand. Oh, my God. Zach said he'd be serving Rose's pizza. Oh, God. I'm going to reference that all night long.

Is there, like, a contact? Can you be like, dude, let's be friends? Yeah. Is there a Facebook for this? No, it's just mymasturbation.com. All right. All right, Jackie, what do you got? What are you thinking? It all seems to exist

thus far, so it's sad. I feel like Ben should lose points just for making that website come to that. That was amazing. Cody only gets half a point. There was Tom Hanks porn. Yeah. Well, there was a porn parody of a Tom Hanks movie. Sure, but that means Tom Hanks.

Yeah, you gotta give it to him. Still, Cody is still in the lead. I would say, yeah. What? But if you can come up with a full one. For meat porn. If you can get one point. See, that's the thing.

You did not come up with meat porn. It was just ways of masturbating with meat. Yeah, you said anything meat related with sex. Yeah. Because you pictured like a summer sausage being jammed into a girl's pushy butt. Which I'm sure has existed. And most of the things are like big black meat fucking tight ass. Yeah, the problem is you just have to go to

page 13 to find the meat because meat is just like a common word for dicks. I love this. I do love this one. Lustful Latina chokes on beefy dick meat fucking throat. That's fun. Lost in translation a little bit. An Asian guy wrote that.

What do you got, Jackie? I was thinking about hay porn. But not fucking on hay. Utilizing hay in the porn. I want to see a girl get fucked with a bunch of hay.

Porn. I love whenever you type into Google hay fucking it says, did you mean porn. I mean... I love whenever you type into Google... That would be very painful. Whenever you type into Google, hey fucking, it says, did you mean gay fucking? I know what I meant, Google.

Wouldn't you get chiggers? See, that's the thing. It's like, one hot couple fucking in hay. Big breasted blonde fucked in hay. Hey fucking retard, how about the fuck you tell me because if? Well, what's that portal about? That's just somebody misspelling Hey fucking retard How about the fuck you tell me because if What? Well what's that portal about?

That's just somebody Misspelling the word hey Hey fucking retard how about The fuck you tell me because if they're close To me they wouldn't talk shit or tell people My business That's just a random thing That's just a weird thing

There's a whole bunch of people fucking on But no one's getting jammed, fisted, full of hay. I just feel like at some point the hay was used on the person. It's just going to be tougher to find. But okay, maybe fucked with hay or... That's such an insane thought. I wasn't trying to be like... I was just actually wondering.

I mean, if you... Girls like to get hurt. Can you change it to hay or wicker? No. I mean, there's... Sure. Holy shit, Jenna Jameson fucking on hay? I loved that clip in college.

Oh. Okay, well, that's an alone time thing for you. All right, so Jackie... I'd forgotten all about that. Point Jackie. No, not quite, though, sort of. No, I mean, that's the thing, though, is that you asked specifically fucking with hay.

We all knew that fucking... We know fucking on hay existed. Right, that's why I was wondering if fucking with hay. We all knew that fucking... We know fucking on hay existed. Right, that's why I was wondering if fucking with hay existed. I mean, I'm sure some hay sneaks in there. It must. It does. I just really wanted to watch girls get hurt. Hey, J-Fud, we can find plenty of that.

What do gay horses eat? That's why I came up with hay because I just told Holden that's my mom's favorite joke of all time That was the worst joke that's ever been uttered On the round table of gentlemen Thank you Cody It was done ironically

Don't you worry about it God damn it No no no People are Thank you John Going to love it Alright J-Fob What do you got?

Okay Maybe these are just stupid I have two I'm going to tell you the first one We'll come back for another round Okay Mary Poppins Bukkake Ooh That's what I would like to see That's got to definitely exist tell you the first one? We'll come back for another round. Okay. Mary Poppins Bukkake. Ooh!

That's what I would like to see. Oh, that would be. That's got to definitely exist. I bet you there's definitely a Mary Poopins. Sounds great. Mary Poopins. Once again, I love the Googles. Did you mean Mary Poppins bike, Mary Poppins cake, and Mary Poppins

book? Nope. I want the Bukkake. It does not exist. Wow. That falls into the too specific category. See, that's way too... How is that too specific? Can you do Mary Poopins? Bukkake exists and Mary Poppins exists,

but the rule is that if it exists on itself, then... Huh? You got it? Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Yeah, we've got this. Okay. The article for this is called Bedded, Knobbed, and

Bumsticked. Oh, I love that. Bed? Bedded, Knobbed, and Bumsticked. Bed, Knobbed, and Bumsticked. Bed, Knobbed, and Bumsticked. Nah, it's just Mary. They're just talking about Mary. Okay. Let's see here. Bed knobs and broomsticks. Bed knobs and broomsticks. Nah, it's just Mary. They're just talking about Mary.

Okay, let's see here. In the early 1960s, Walt Disney turned his attention to live-action porn, producing a hardcore version of Mary Poppins, which cleverly intercut footage from the original with entire new material featuring a frequently naked double of Julie Andrews using her special kind of magic to bring about the sexual awakening of a conventional suburban family. I like it. One infamous sex scene includes a redub Mary Poppins coaching a young female

ward in the art of oral sex by singing, quote, a spoonful of sugar helps the jism go down. What a clever remake. Great copy. Wait, Walt Disney made the remake? There's more. A rooftop sequence has Mary Poppins demonstrating a whole new set uses for a Dick Van Dyke type chimney sweep set of telescopic brushes. Dick Van Dyke is the greatest porn name ever.

Despite Disney's death in 1966, a porn version of Bedknobs and Broomsticks was produced in 1971 entitled Bedded, Knobbed, and Bumsticked and featured a witch running a secret Nazi love camp in the Scottish Highlands during World War II. Why are the Nazis into this? I don't know because he's Walt Disney. He was fucked up. That's wild. So yeah, we got that. That's fucking Mary Poppins porn.

That's Mary Poppins porn? Yeah. That's what it is. There's. That's Mary Poppins porn? Yeah. That's what it is. There's nothing since that? No. It exists, though. You don't cover a song that was already brilliant. There you go.

Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing. All right, so... So no point for me there? No, but what's your follow-up? I'll take your follow-up. All right, this one, and this one is just fun, but... Triple X Files.

X, X, X. Oh, yeah, I've seen Files. XXX. I've seen that already. Whatever. I just wanted to throw that out there. How about this one, Marcus? Garfield. Garfield porn? I've seen that too. I've seen

Garfield fucking normal. Definitely. When? Actually, it's from fapdew.com slash Garfield porn normal. Definitely. When? Actually, it's from fapdo.com slash Garfield porn. Interesting. Fuck it, man.

Oh no, this is just a bunch of women named Garfield. Fucking and sucking on each other? MILF. Garfield. Mavis Garfield. A MILF. Oh, that's fun. A mother. That's nice. I love her. She's good. I feel like Cody's got the half point. Honestly, I think Jackie has a half point, too,

because maybe we didn't see some hay up a girl's pussy, but we have plenty of people fucking on hay. I would imagine, too, there are some porn stars... How is that one too specific? That's not too specific. It's just hard to find. It gets to a point... You would have to search until two minutes

into the haystack porno to find the hay gone into a pussy. But I will say, you know if someone's fucking on hay, after the shoot, they're just like plucking hay out of their vaginas and very uncomfortable with their buttholes and things of that nature. When you use homonyms and stuff, you're just trying to outsmart Google

more than you're trying to find porn that doesn't exist. Exactly, yeah. There you go. Good point. What do we do? What's the decider here, Marcus? One more quick round? What are you looking at?

I'm looking at this. Why are you just... Lost Marcus. Do you have a winner for the porn game? Oh, yeah. Cody. Goddamn right. Cody?

Yeah. How did Cody win? Tom Hanks fucking Meg Ryan. Yeah, but what about my fucking meat thing where I got... Because it exists completely. Completely exists. But also, if any of them... No, but the winner is that it has to exist.

I want to see Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Oh, that should be a thing. Yeah, there's a porn parody of Sleepless in Seattle. Yeah, but I thought that... And a Forrest Gump. Forrest takes a dump. I know, but I'm saying that it's like I had the meat porn thing, so mine existed more than Cody's. That wasn't meat porn.

That was masturbation techniques using meat. People jack off to people jacking off to meat. With meat. The challenge was think of a porn that doesn't exist. Can we just agree this wasn't really a challenge? Yeah, but I'll go ahead and agree. His exists. So does yours.

Mary Poppins. I'm not saying I win. I'm not saying I win. I'm not saying I win. I just feel like no one knew the rules of this game. I don't think so. What about Willem Dafoe's Big Boner? Oh, well, let's just see that one out, and then we'll have to end the whole thing. Willem Dafoe's Big Boner.

Man, I just like meat porn. I think I might look it up. Yeah, I know. Lars von Trier finds Willem Dafoe's penis confusingly large. I love it. That's the dick I want to suck. That's what I'm saying.

I want to be dumbfounded. Alright, for the round table, thank you so much Jackie Zebrowski, Holden McNeely, Marcus Parks. Thank you, John O'Donald. You were a great Ed Larson. The room was very nice. They were smelling because of you. And Cody Hess, thanks for being here as well,Donald. You were a great Ed Larson. The room was very nice. They were smelling because of you. And Cody Hess, thanks for being here as well, bud.

You were a good Kevin Barnett. Thank you so much, sir. Pleasure having you. Good. Good. Alright, I'm going to go fuck a sausage. I just wish I had enough money to jack off to fantastically find meats. You know, it's like, that's expensive.

That load is probably going to be 30, 40 bucks. I'm holding McNeely. Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Lick a meat! Which meat? Which meat?

Jackie, tell us which meat. Oh, my meat, you gotta get to my feet. Yeah, Jackie's meat. Jackie's meat. Let's get it down. Jackie's meat. All right, goodbye.

Oh, no. Jesus Christ. There's a bar called Chicken Buttholes.