The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 70: Otis Spunkmeyer Presents - Loose Teeth

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Worst porno we could possibly imagine. Today on the Round Table, 83 year old men are prostituting themselves, Russians are robbing the graves of young girls and dressing them like dolls, and the Round Table engages in that age-old pastime, Madlibs. It's with a Penthouse Forum, but still.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are we ready? Somebody shamed the snake. Shamed the snake. Dear Beelzebub. Is that a circumcision?

Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for having us gathered here today in your presence. Hail Satan! Hail Satan. I love you and I love everything about you. Beelzebub, I don't know why Eddie just gave a Nazi salute. It was a secret howl. A secret heil. It seemed very, very prominent and obvious.

Well, it's radio. I see. Everything you do on the radio is secret. He's also currently secretly jacking off to you, B. Elzebub, the lord and savior of this program. So thank you so much for gathering us here with all of our amazing friends and what an amazing chuckle hut full of beautiful people. We're going to have an amazing round table of gentlemen

in your titsits we pray. Amen. Hail Satan. Hail Adrian. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. This is a fucking kooky dooky bunch over here. Who is everybody? Jackie Zabrowski.

Kooky dooky is not a good phrase, by the way. You don't think so? No, I don't think so. I like kooky dooky and I'm Ed Larson. Holder McNeely, DJ Scratch Academy represent. Represent little brother. Big brother represent DJ Scratch Academy hoodies. Hey, Holder, may I ask, is that my hoodie?

No, no, this is mine, man. It looks a little big on you. Yeah, I know it's kind of big. Do you have one that's fitting small on you? Were you a man yesterday and woke up a pussy? Is that why that doesn't fit you right now? Where are we now? We're being mean.

What happened? Kevin Barnett. I? Kevin Barnett. I'm Kevin Barnett. Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett, man. Everything's funny, man. Everybody laughs. Kevin looks good in a hoodie. Ben looks good in a hoodie.

Holden, you look like a fucking asshole. Yay! He looks like an asshole. I rip in a wrap, and you're now in a trap. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. We should start over. We've got to cancel the whole show.

I'm Ben Gissel. In the Chuckle Hut, holy lord, what a majestic bunch. We've got Amber Nelson. Hello, universe. Thank you, Amber. Amber, every time I see you, I just really become scared of what I will do. And, of course, we have Andy. Andy, thanks for being here. Thank you. How's it going?

Good, Andy. How do you know Holden? I grew up with Holden. And what do you do now? I I grew up with Holden. That's sad. And what do you do now? I raised him. You raised him? Has Holden changed a lot over the years? Not much. That's sad.

I just think it's ridiculous that one of Holden's best friends is just the suavest, most charming person in the entire world. I know him. Best friend? And so Andy, were you friends with Holden because you never had to worry about him getting in the way of you fucking hot chicks? Because it's not like he could have taken them from you. It's true.

You dated a stripper in high school, right? Didn't that happen? We'll talk about it in a second. Also with a chuckle, Henry Zebrowski. Thanks for being here, buddy. Oh, I love being out of Chinatown. Thanks, Henry. Is he Asian?

That's Hong Kong Henry Zabrowski. And Comedy Central webmaster Jeff Stevens. Thanks for being here, buddy. Thank you so much. You guys, your table is great and round. It's actually kind of boxy. And that's why he works with computers, folks. All right. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. What do why he works with computers, folks. All right.

With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. What do you got for us today, buddy? A city council candidate from Centerville, Iowa, who just happens to be an 83-year-old man, was arrested and charged with prostitution. Oh, let him be. The 33-year-old victim accuses Ben Clifford Dawson of offering to let her repay a loan

by allowing him to perform sex acts on her. That's a good way to flip that. Dawson, who allegedly also kissed the victim's neck without permission, was also charged with assault with an intent to commit sexual abuse. Oh, come on. All he did was kiss her neck. Yeah, he's not that old. Come on.

There's no kissing in prostitution, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a bad prostitute. This guy's what the problem was. Yeah, this guy's not that old. Come on. There's no kissing in prostitution, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a bad prostitute. That's what the problem was. Yeah, this guy's just a romantic. I mean, that's the thing. We're always talking about put the elderly to work. Don't put them in homes.

You know, this guy's fantastic. You know what Don Juan did? Those ladies didn't want it. I mean, that's the thing. And I will say this fellow also gets a new meaning to the oldest profession in the book. Am I right? 83 years old, a prostitute. Is he trying to be a prostitute himself?

Yes. He's trying to prostitute himself because this woman owed him $7,000. And so he offered to pretty much offered like I'll eat your pussy and we'll forget about the loan. Amber, what do you think about the situation? I think his old dick ain't worth $7,000.

Who do you think you are? Your old nasty willy. If you owe worth $7,000? No, but I mean... Who do you think you are, your old nasty willy? To an erasing debt? If you owe me $7,000 and I'm like, hey, can I penetrate you and then the debt is cleared, you wouldn't do it? I mean, if I was 83 and attractive? No. No, I don't think so. Are you serious? Really? You're not a whore?

I mean, no, that's not a whore move, though. I feel like that's just... I'd probably rather kill the guy. I would do that. Really? Murder him, and then the $7,000... But he wanted to eat her pussy to forgive the debt. Like, he should just get seven grand.

He's, you know, I mean, I just feel like he's a very nice character. So now that he's arrested, does she still owe him the money? I think she still owes him the money. What do you think, Jeff? I think that, you know,,000 is way too much. But he's got to pay the Viagra bills, and those things are expensive. Well, the Viagra bill is obviously just her pussy. That's the Viagra that he needs.

I mean, it's $7,000 to get her pussy. I'm shocked that she wouldn't give it up to this guy. Ageism is what's going on here. So she agreed to it, and then she got pissed when he kissed her or something? No, no, no. She told the Centerville Police Department that she had received

a loan from Dawson in late June. When she got the money, Drew told cops, Dawson grabbed her and began kissing her neck against her will, quote,

which caused her to be alarmed and fearful for her safety. Yeah, when is it right? He's 83. She should have gave the fucking money back. Yeah.

She should have just ran away. He's got legs that are like brittle sand. He'd fall apart. He's 83 years old. What are you going to do to her? Go get a paycheck advance. I don't know. Seven grand and the guy wants to eat her out. That's all he wanted to do, right? And here's the thing is that this

guy had to now post a $2,000 bond, so he's nine grand in the whole round. She owes him $9,000. Jackie, about that $400 I gave you. I'm fine with it, yes. Get it done. You see, I would suck a man's dick to have my college loans refunded.

Would you really? You're at that point, finally. So you would do exactly what you had to do to get into college to have the loans removed. Yeah, to graduate college as well. That's fantastic. I'm going to call Bruce Valanche right now. Oh, I can't wait to get my little fat hands on his tiny little ass.

Okay, so if $7,000 to $9,000 is too little for a fantastic 83-year-old grandfather, probably WWII vet to eat your fucking beautiful snitch snatch,

how much money is good enough for you? What do you got to owe before you let a man go down on you? I don't know. I think it's more than principle, this thing. This is not a whore a man go down on you? I think it's more the principle of the thing.

This is not a whore situation! Yes it is! No, it's not! If it was a whore situation, he would pay her! She's paying him! I think that that was actually a very generous thing for him to offer. Exactly!

He's the whore, she's not the whore! Generous and sad. Generous and terribly, terribly sad. The kissing on her neck, no, you shouldn't do that. But I think, he's like, alright, you don't have to beat me at all, let me eat you out. I mean, I would say, don't eat me out, you can, like, put it inside of me and don't touch the rest of my body.

Maybe that's not what he's into. You see, right there, Jackie, you just regained your womanhood. That's right. Let me ask, Henry, let me ask. College loans, all right? College loans erased. All you have to do is hump a big foam egg and have three pictures of it posted on the internet. Yeah.

Who cares? What is this? Is that worse than what I've already done that's already on the internet? Now, there's already dudes jerking off to at least two people in this room. There are dudes jerking off to your images. Check out Ed Larson and Henry Zebrowski on Chubbarama.com, everybody. It's not a joke. Not a joke at all.

I am guilty through association. I'm a sex object with fatter men. It's fine. Yeah, I'm attracted to you. I love you because your body looks like a woman and your face looks like a man. You look good. And I love both of those things. Henry also...

Henry, it's little spindly, creepy dudes who don't leave their mother's basement. That's who's beating off you, not big, fat guys. I just want him to sit on my head. I wish he'd sit on his head with his butthole and have my head go up inside of his butthole. He wants you to turn his head brown, man. Turn it brown. It's called ballooning. Oh, man.

I have to leave. Put his poo-poo paint on. Brown, man. It's called ballooning. Jeff, how much money would you have to owe somebody before you allow them to blow you to erase the debt? I would say $50. Could I borrow $50? I only have $40 right now

on me. I'll... I'm sorry. I'll, well... I'm sorry. I need the 50. I've got to need the 50. All right, back to Dawson over here. This is the third such allegation that's been made against him. But this is the first time that charges have actually been pressed against him.

He also made repeated phone calls requesting sexual favors from the woman. He also made those requests in person. Eddie, give me a mugshot description of this old man. He looks like Hal Holbrook from The Old Man from End of the Wild. I don't know who that is. Your references are so

weird. I forget the old person you referenced the other month. When did they die? Hal Halbrook, he was nominated for Academy Award. He basically took the kid from Into the Wild, the idiot who went to Alaska and tried to live there, the 18-year-old. He was the old man who brought

him to the edge of Alaska. Is he also a male prostitute in that movie? No, no, no. He just gave it for free. Because that would be really Into the Wild. Give us a physical description of this guy. Physical, he's got a box head with glasses. He's got a smirk. He looks happy.

Is this a robot? He's got big old man ears. You know how old men always got big ears? They never stop growing. You kind of wish they would. God, I love it. Oh, man. He's a good looking old man. Look at this guy. How would you turn down a sexual advance from that man?

He looks like he used to be a soldier. He's got a full head of hair. Yeah, man. I bet he looked really good. If he was wearing the uniform, Amber, his WW2 uniform. So the thing is, he's so creepy, he would say, I'm going to eat you out. And then he would find a way to just put his dick up my butt hole. What's wrong with that? He's going to find a way. Why then he would find a way to just put his dick up my butt. What's wrong with that?

He's going to find a way. It says here that he wanted to eat her out 7,000 times. A dollar. A lick a dollar. A one. A two. A three. A came. I guess I'll have to come back tomorrow. Well, you're that old.

They're not licks. They're laps. Imagine when he's tongue-in-cheek. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you're that old. They're not licks. They're laps. Imagine what he's talking about. Oh, man. Yay! New story! I just feel bad for this poor guy. 83 years old, still be able to get it up, and in love with a nice 33-year-old woman. I don't think that he should be victimized and villainized the way that we're doing it right now.

Do you think old man cum turns gray? Yes. I think it's possible. I saw my dad's dick once, and it was big and gray. Oh, wow. When was this? This is maybe like 10 years ago. Did you owe him $7,000?

Yeah, $7,000. How old was your dad? He's probably like in his 60s. I think your penis gets grayer. Really? No, it's true. The penis gets much longer and thinner as you age. Just like the ears get bigger, the nose gets bigger,

the dick gets longer. I don't think that's good. It's gray. Oh, I don't think it's gray. Yeah, it's gray. Big gray penis. This is why I've always been terrified of becoming an old white man. Kevin's dick is just going to turn purple.

It's just going to turn into a wonderful rose. It's like Eeyore. Eventually it'll just fall off. I'm like, oh, I don't care where it is. Yeah, seeing the dad dick is never a fun time in life. But it happens. You've seen your dad's penis. I have never seen my father's penis.

Really? Yeah, guaranteed. You should ask. I've seen Henry's penis. Oh, right. We're not going to talk about that. Well, no. I mean, it's fine.

It's his brother's dick. I don't think you can keep talking about it. Yeah, it's fine. It's his brother's history. I don't think you're talking about it. Yeah, it's not an old fucking knobby gray dong. It's a pink young man's penis. Yeah, man. It's thriving. Looks like a little pig nose. It's like a new city.

It's like Palm Springs. I feel like anyone that's listening to this podcast who's seen Henry's penis should just like this on Facebook. Yeah. 64 likes. That would be amazing. I'd love to see who's seen Henry's penis, you should just like this on Facebook. 64 likes. A lot of people have seen your penis. Every fan of Murderfist has seen Henry's penis. Just the balls.

I've seen the full frontal penis. One time when you were doing Boardroom where you come out naked and you roll around, you let your hand slip and everyone really got to see it, and I must say, hey, can I have some money? Was that at Cabin? Was that really drunk at Cabin?

Yeah, I think it was Cabin, because you came out from the curtain and your butt was showing and it wasn't clean. That was another funny thing. You looked like that little bear in the Charmin's commercials. You just had some leftovers. Oh, he tried to wipe. He's a good boy. That's what I do. I rub it. I just rub my butt on the toiletmin's commercials. You just had some leftovers. Oh, he tried to wipe. He's a good boy.

That's what I do. I rub it. I just rub my butt on the toilet after I shit. I can just see you put it underneath the hand dryer. Your little butt just perked right after that.

Wipe your butt with your dick. Everyone does it. Only old men can do that. Oh, that's the thing. It's called a banana split. What's that, Jeff? No, I was going to say Napoleon. That'd be more like Napoleon because there's like a banana split. What's that, Jeff? I was going to say Napoleon. That would be more like Napoleon because there's three different colors.

I love it. Yes. Yeah. I love it. Jeff, you ever see your old man's cock? Definitely not. Thank God. I've never seen...

I've seen him in tight white undies. Even when you were a kid? I've just seen him in tight white... You know, like tighty-whities. Like when you're staring through his bedroom window with binoculars. I just can't believe there's people who haven't seen their dad's dick. Yeah, I saw my dad's dick. I think I'd have a vague memory of watching him take a dump.

You didn't see it because it was on the back of your neck. That's how old he went to bed until he was 11. I was chained to a radiator in the basement. It was right before my big pageant. And he told me this is what makes a champion. Hey, is it cool if we start calling Holden, Holden Dick Neck McNeely? Holden Dick Neck. You know, what's funny is that you've actually been called Pussy Neck on this show before.

Pussy Neck, yeah. Pussy Neck, and now you're Dick Neck. I got a big neck. So go fuck yourself. It's going to be all good. Andy, you and Holden are friends. Have you guys ever looked at each other's wangs at all? Done a little jack off on a crack or anything like that?

No? Let's have a contest right now. We used to do that all the time when we were growing up. I was very uncomfortable with the circle jerking. Oh, yeah, totally. It's gross. So we're not going to do it now. Did anybody do it in your

high school that you can remember? You guys went to a really fancy prep school, right? Prep school kids love circle jerking. They do. I feel like it's definitely something they would do. Totally. Especially on the foreign kids. Get them in the middle of the circle. We're super racist and we get really

bored easy because we already have the cell phone and the video games. So we need to do something extra, you know, like kill a guy or beat off on each other. Holden, you look really bad in that really big hoodie. Yo, yo, yo, DJ Scratch Academy. I'm sorry, it's obviously Ben Kissel. It's mine. It's not yours.

Is there another news story? I need to be distracted by the fact Holdenylen, my fantastically comedown shirt. You look terrible. You look like Earthworm Jim. A little dick neck. Dick neck! He's got a dick neck. No, I definitely got one for you.

A German publishing company owned by the Catholic Church is turning a tidy profit with titles such as Slut's Boarding School, Lawyer's Whore, Take Me Here, Take Me Now, and Call Me Slut. I like Call Me Slut. Right to the point.

So wait, what company is this again? It's a German publishing company owned by the Catholic Church. Awesome! Yeah, and they tried to sell it in 2009 but they didn't get the right price. They're like, oh no, it's worth more than that. That's good. I'm glad they're getting edgy.

They need something to them. It's a great website. Ben, you've been to most of those. Yeah, I like to go to very diverse porno websites. My favorite one is I Have a Cream, which is just all about interracial love. It's really fantastic. I Have a Cream?

Yeah, and it's just a black fellow, and I'll tell you one thing, the world is better after he does what he does to a whole series of different ethnicities. Does she get it? It's really fucked up. Yeah, no, I mean, it's powerful. I like to make a sociopolitical point

every time I jack off. You'd really like zebralove.org. Oh, Zebra Love? What's that one all about? It's the same exact website. Yeah, I just feel like it's literally just a picture of Holden fucking a zebra. It'd be very hot. Holden, what noise are you making while you're fucking that zebra?

The same one he did to Attracted. Teeth. I usually just, teeth. Hey, teeth. I like to just kind of talk about a mouth. Oh, man, you came up with the worst title for a porno the other day. Loose teeth.

Loose teeth, yeah. I feel like if the 83-year-old prostitute man actually got to fuck that chick and it was on camera, it would be called loose teeth. We were talking about Otis Spunkmeyer cookies and how Otis Spunkmeyer doesn't sound like the guy that stars in the porno. He sounds like the guy that makes the porno. So it's like about Otis Spunkmeyer cookies and how Otis Spunkmeyer doesn't sound like the guy that stars

in the porno. He sounds like the guy that makes the porno. So it's like, Otis Spunkmeyer presents Loose Teeth. Loose Teeth sounds like a loose change parody. Porno parody. Has that been done? Like a 9-11 porno?

Oh my god. I don't know if their hands are going to be great. There's God who has their hands. Yeah a 9-11 porno? Oh my god. I don't know if their hands would be great. There's God who has their hands. 9-11 was an inside blowjob. I love it so much. You know, I don't know if we're ever going to get out of this elevator. Well, I guess we better start blowing each other. It's just a full man

man-on-man 69ing porn. It's very fantastic. And at the end they throw themselves out the window. Oh, that's nice. That's really sympathetic. See, mine would be all in the elevator that's trapped in the bottom, but it didn't bend. So they're just waiting and eventually it's cannibalism. I feel like that's the name of your porno.

Trapped in the bottom, but didn't bend. Pretty awesome. Just Eddie getting cummed on but didn't bend. That would be pretty awesome. Just Eddie getting cummed on through a sewer grate. That would be pretty fantastic. Y'all float down here, Georgie. Well, at least I am. I'm floating on cum. Jeff, what's the oldest man you've ever been with, Jeff?

Well, that would be Grandpa Tony. That's a good nickname for something. You mean Grandpa Tony? We'll just call him Anthony. Dick Whistle? It did. It played that Godfather theme like 24-7 all the time.

What's the Godfather theme? Hey, hey, we're the Godfathers. Hey, hey, hey, we're the Godfathers. Hey, hey, hey, we're the Godfathers. Vote for Herman Cain. Go to Italy, get yourself a cannoli. Come on down to Godfathers Cafe. Is it a restaurant or a movie? I don't know anymore.

It all reminds me, I don't think this was in the news stories, but did you guys see that news story about the woman who killed her horse? It was a dying horse. She killed the horse and then she opened up the body and got totally buck naked, went inside of the horse's torso and just sort of bathed in its blood and eating its meat. Like

Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back. Did he do that? Yeah, yeah. He opened up the body. I thought they smelled bad on the inside. Outside. Ben, I read that same story and she wanted to feel what it was like to be inside that horse's body. Yeah, and she took a bunch of pictures and they were online. She put them on Facebook.

Holy shit. When are you going to have that chance again? Eddie, what would you call the porno of the woman sitting inside of a horse eating its innards? Horsey time. Don't beat off to a dead horse. That's true. I know in Louisiana Your first kill of a deer

The older men in your community Slit the deer's throat And they drench you in the blood The blood of the deer And that's how you become a man I thought that's how you became Catholic I fucking love Louisiana Holden you were saying a story

Holden and I used to make squirrel stew down in North Carolina. Not a lot of blood in those little bastards. No, I guess our roommate Kephart had a friend in town, Byron, and he was telling a story about how a fella shot a deer and he's from Montana and then he got bet to put his dick inside of the dead deer

and then he did that. This is common, huh? Why dead? I don't think you could do it alive. They got those hooves, and they're always trying to box you, and they bark. Yeah, that's where Holden comes in, and he has seminars, and if you don't go to a Holden seminar on how to fuck a deer, you gotta kill that deer first. Did the deer have a tight pussy?

I have no idea, because I think they... You would fuck the bullet hole, right? Jeff? Jeff? Jeff, you work in computers. You should know. Literally, my idea is that he's a graphic designer. You work in computers.

What an asshole. I feel like being inside that dead warm horse. Moist. Warm. Moist. Did you ever say that word on this podcast? Moist? No, it's too gross for them. A warm horse. We do call that a horse.

Oh, wow, look at her. She's cute. Holy shit, that's kind of hot. This is the gal inside of the horse. She's really gross. She's got a great hiney. They're sexy pictures. They're sexy pictures.

Who's taking those pictures? Her boyfriend is taking the pictures. She's nuts. Could everyone leave me alone with a computer in the room for like just three minutes? But I wanted to make a cake that is an exact photorealistic rendition of that. I think I found the new background

for my computer. She's having a great time. If you put that on the background of your computer, you will never look at normal porn again. That is so disturbing. She is extremely attractive. She looks exactly like the woman from I Spit on Your Grave after the rape scene.

Oh, yeah. And before and during. Jackie. Just add a horse. She's totally nice. I bet she has, like... A lot of diseases. Diseases or, like, entrails in her pussy.

Now, yeah. And a lot of friends. Kevin, if entrails in her pussy. Now, yeah. And a lot of friends. Kevin, if you had to stand inside of one animal, buck naked, covered in its oils and grease, what animal would it be? Of course, the Loch Ness Monster, man. We already know. How would you get inside of the Loch Ness?

I mean, I guess you would have to drudge it up from the sea. Dude, don't ask me questions you don't need to know. I'll get it done. Yeah, probably lasers, I'm guessing. Some sort of laser situation. Fuck you, man. I mean, I don't think that she did anything that wrong, though, really. What's the problem?

We all eat meat. We're all butchers. What's wrong with bathing? It's not bad or wrong. It's just very strange and fucked up. I'm going to say it's bad and wrong. You think it's bad and wrong? Her mother read a statement out,

and her mother just said that her daughter wants the whole thing to go away. It was just to be close, one with her horse that she loved very much. Shouldn't have taken the pictures. Shouldn't have taken the pictures. Shouldn't have put him on Facebook. Should have put him on Facebook? What an idiot. I mean, a lot of people do that, though.

Eddie, what would you eat in order to become one with it? Because a lot of people have the theory that if you eat something, like Dahmer or this horse woman, that now you're closer to the animal. Ben Kissel. No, I would not want to be one with them. You don't want him in you? Eddie, do you know the last time Holden had a segment I didn't blow you? Because it was like, what was that segment, Holden?

What would Ed say? Yeah, would he let me blow him or something like that? Uh-huh, something like that. And I didn't let you blow me. Aw, thank you. No problem, buddy. I'm a little talking. No problem, buddy. Middle talking about something else, though. No, I know. I'm just saying,

as far as animals eating, I don't know what animal I would love enough and want to be part of that I would eat. Gorilla. I just want to pet a horse. Yeah, you don't want

to be inside of one. Yeah, maybe I'll make that happen. I'd brush a horse. Yeah, I'd brush a horse. What about being a half horse? What about being a centaur? Oh, that'd be awesome. I'd do it in a second.

I'd do it in a minute. And I'd learn how to shoot a bow and arrow. You're already a being a centaur? I'd do it in a second. I'd do it in a minute. I'd learn how to shoot a bow and arrow. You're already a fucking part centaur. I know. Part of me is a horse. Guess which part. I know. It's the face.

You've got the wrong part of the horse. You're supposed to have the top half human and the bottom half horse. I want to be friends with an eagle. Really? Yeah, man. Eagles have a jet ship. What would it teach you, though? That's all it would be.

It's a friend. It's not a teacher. Hey, let's watch Ghost Adventures, Mr. Eagle. And it's like... And it's like, oh, I love the rabbit you brought me, Mr. Eagle. Oh, yeah, by the way, there are no 9-11 porn parodies. It's a good segment. Oh, really? We've got to make one. Yeah, no 9-11 porn parodies. It's a good segment. Oh, really?

We've got to make one. Yeah, no 9-11 porn parodies at all. Oh, Jesus Christ. The only thing that I got is a thread on Reddit that says, what movie would you definitely not want to see a porn parody of? Why? The terrorists have won. If we're not strong enough as a country to make a porno about the world...

I mean, there's like... I mean, please. You know, you've got to make a porno about every single national disaster, so it makes it easy. Yeah, take it if there's Pearl Harbor porno. Yeah, or like Hurricane Katrina porno. It's all about disasters. You do an American gas chamber porno. If we want to heal this whole thing...

Yep, definitely Pearl Harbor. It's called... Oh, thanks. Sorry. Keep going. But we make a porno called These Colors Do Come. Yeah.

And they come together. These colors come together. The story of the Civil War. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, the movie Pearls Harbor. Yeah.

Oh, interesting. So there's a lot of jizz around the neck, though. Yeah, a lot of jizzing. Yeah. I mean, we gotta make a... We need to find attractive women and some really disgusting

men and make this fucking 9-11. We just need to find attractive women. Yeah, that's the problem with the women. That's the biggest problem. Andy, can you help out with that? You're bona fide beautiful. You wanna film on Friday? Only if you need a man. We need two planes. I'd be a really good sound guy for a porn movie.

I just want to be this pair of stunt balls. I saw porn once where a woman got shit in her mouth, and she was all drugged up, and it was in German, so they were screaming at her in German. And then she sits up, and the shit falls out of her mouth onto her tits, and she just doesn't know what's going on. Stop piling Hitler, Ed. You can hear how hard everyone got.

That's the thing. Pretty sure that's a snuff thing, though, right? She didn't want it? Oh, she's a good actress. She just didn't know what was happening. She was just, like, fucked up. It's not real shit, ever. I hope she got paid. The guy with the gas mask came on and, like, stood over and shit. Like, two girls, one cup

isn't real shit. Really? Yeah, it's just no, it's not shit. It's, like, it's fake. It's, like, it's, like... It's still coming out of an ass, though. Yeah, but you clean out your ass and they shove a bunch of, like, fake shit up in your ass. I want to hear Eddie's I feel moment. I'm forgetting, I was just saying, like, it's, I feel Germany,

they're gonna do the real shit. They're gonna do it. No, but they have, because they have writers. These people sign fucking W-9s. These people, like people have jobs. Their production company is against health codes to actually eat shit. Really? Yeah, totally it is. Or you can also, but there are also diets that you can do to make your shit less toxic.

I know that that's also true for people who really like to eat each other's shit. Why did you look this up? Because I'm curious. There's rules in Germany. I know that because Resident Evil 2, they filmed it in Germany for the only reason they could light people on fire longer. Oh, hilarious.

You have no rules. There's another German porn where your house gets broken into and somebody comes and stabs you and then fucks your stab wound while you're tied up. No, but that can't be real. No, that's real, man. Amber, you really do just know the most...

You were just saying earlier that you got caught in a black hole of watching chicks getting beheaded. Yeah, you know how it is. Who the fuck are you? Are you on 4chan a lot? What's that? 4chan? What's that?

You don't know all the depraved things in the world? Oh, yeah, man. Let's not dig around. We won't. Amber's deeper than 4 yeah, man. All right. Let's not deep down. We won't. Amber's deeper than 4chan, man. She's past that. Yeah. If you're a fan of this show, you're going to love 4chan, the number 4, and chan.com.

Check it out. Org. All right. I will. Dot org. And then you've got to go to the random board. Got to go to B. Okay. You've got to go to the B.

All right, guys. Let's move on. This is getting too much for Edward. Is there another news story? Yes, there is another news story. Eddie, I've got one for on. This is getting too much for Edward. Is there another news story? Yes, there is another news story. Eddie, I got one for you. This is from Russia. Oh, Russia! How you doing, fellas? Oh, man.

You're like a Samson character. Once you cut your hair, you were super strong as far as your ability to digest terrible, disgusting stories. Is that a biblical reference? I never watch 4chan. I don't like watching all that weird shit. I did enough of it when I was a kid. Eddie, remember when we watched all those animal videos? Oh, I still do that

all the time. When the crocodiles fought? Oh my god, my favorite thing to do is watch SeaWorld Accidents. There's Eddie. We used to sit and just smoke bowl after bowl And watch animal attack videos Oh my god

Out of Russia Somewhere along the way Russian historian Anatoly Moskvin's Interest in cemeteries went from Academic to twisted Police probing grave desecrations Found the corpses of 26 Women in the 45 yearyear-old researcher's apartment.

The skeletal remains had been dressed up in new clothes. I heard about this. They discovered it because his parents came over for a surprise visit. It's like the Russian version of the American Girl dolls. Yeah, it was probably an accident, all of them, I'm sure. I'm sure in his house he was living a little Toy Story 3 life, and they were all talking to each other and having

a wonderful time, and then they came over and discovered it. And it's like the same thing. If you saw a little boy talking to his toys, you'd think that's crazy. You know what I mean? Because toys don't talk back. Dead girls are so quiet. They're wonderful. They were wearing new clothes. I bet he washed them, too, after he killed them.

I mean, he wouldn't have had so many dead girls in his house if he was just trying to dig them up before the ground froze. Ooh, and they were all between the ages of 15 and 25. Oh, in the prime of their lives. They looked like a doll. He wanted them to look like dolls, I'm sure. Did he kill them, or he was just collecting? He was just going. He just found to look like dolls, I'm sure. Did he kill them or he was just collecting them? He was just going...

He just found all those skeletons. It's Russia. There's skeletons everywhere. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with it. You know, he dressed up those babies, those wonderful skeletons. He took them out from underneath the ground and he treated them like real nice dogs.

What are these guys' nightmares like? His nightmares are just like him having a very pleasant time over dinner. Picking up a picnic. With wife and kids living in the suburbs. Here's one reason why I love Russia. This guy is not charged. Yeah, because you know why he's not getting charged?

Because Russia knows bitches love new clothes. They love them. There's no proof those girls were alive to begin with. Basically, the only thing this guy did was buy clothes. Yeah, that's the thing. I love it. If he's doing shit I would never do. I would never buy

a girl clothes. He's so nice. You guys, like, thinks he's, like, ugly Betty. You know, just like, what these girls need is a makeover. I would be cute to watch him put makeup on them and stuff. Did they have makeup on and shit? Like lipstick?

They were skeletons. Yeah, I know. But you can't put lipstick on a fucking... It doesn't have lips on it. That would be amazing. I just covered it all. Just a circle. Just looked like a high school.

Like a science lab in a high school. They are model thin. They're hot chicks. I'm sure they made those dresses look perfect. I love them, too. I have a problem with a guy trying to buy clothes for 16-year-old girls. How many were killed or brought up? 23.

26. That's just... After the 20th one, the store clerk's got to be like, really? It's Russia. Lingerie? They're working on commission. She's like really petite. I mean like very, very, very petite.

Imagine you without skin or muscles. It wasn't that provocative. Russian girls wear a lot of gingham. It was pretty beautiful. Gingham? It's like tiny plaid. It's like what I'm wearing? No. Russian girls wear a lot of gingham, so it was pretty beautiful. Gingham? Gingham. Gingham? Gingham. It's like tiny plaid. It's tiny little plaid. Like tiny, tiny, tiny plaid.

Like what I'm wearing? No. No, it's like what Mennonites. Mennonites. Yeah, you've seen Mennonites, right? No. They're just covered in gingham. Mennonites are like Amish light.

Eddie, if you had a whole series of skeletons, what would you like to dress them as, or what would you have them doing? I'll probably reenact the Rodney King beatings. I just imagine you dressing up a bunch of skeletons as dolphins from 74 doing the last act. Yeah, they'd all be dressed in Miami Dolphins

football gear. I feel like you would be Rodney King though. You'd cover yourself in blackface and you'd put them all like, as soon as you cut one wire all their arms would slash down with a hammer. Hey, Henry, come check this out. Check out what I did. What a great way to commit suicide. Buy a skeleton hand?

Get a bunch of skeletons. I'd get in blackface. I'd dress like Rodney King. I'd dress up like ten skeletons as cops. I'd give them all batons. And then I'd beat myself with a string like a puppet master. You could probably put batteries and motors on their arms and stuff and make them like rock-em-sock-em robots.

That's true. They're all just like, we're beating you, Blackie. We're beating you. But it's all pre-recorded in my voice and I press play. Does it say where the 23 girls ended up? Can we get those skeletons? They're still on a farm where they can run and play with other

skeletons. If Russia taught us anything they're probably all astronauts now. I mean, you know, I would love to play in a pile of bones. It'd be fun. It's really fun. Yeah, I would love to play in a pile of bones. That'd be fun. Like a pile of leaves. It's really fun. Yeah. You've done this.

Interesting, Marcus. There's churches all over the world where people decorate the church in bones. Yeah, I've seen in Rome, I went and did the underground tunnels that was all bones. Like, it was all bones. The whole tunnel for miles. It took you to a whole other part of the city. It was fucking creepy. That's so cool.

Yeah, man. I love it. Marcus, I feel like you said that last thing where you played in bones. Yeah. What kind of bones? Cow, horse, cout. And is this like in the Texas McDonald's or something?

Is this like the... A cout. Coyote. Oh, a coyote. So you had just a pit of bones? Just a whole thing you just jump in? Pile. Just a pile of bones. I hate Texas. Yeah, it's weird. The movie Nothing But Trouble is based off of Marcus' life.

It's not like you just find the bone because things die, and then you just kind of leave them there. Simba. The elephant graveyard is not part of the kingdom. Are you saying that there's no play places or ball pits in Texas that you just play in bones? Not where I grew up. This is the McDonald's version,

the Texas McDonald's version of a ball pit. You say gather up a bunch of cow bones and hang them off fences and shit? Is it Mexicans? Oh, cow. They call Mexicans cows over there. Have you ever danced with a skeleton? Oh, I want to do it so bad. They call Mexicans cows over there. Have you ever danced with a skeleton? That's like a slow...

Oh, I want to do it so bad. Oh, you look so beautiful tonight. You look so great. I miss you. Only you can make me... No way, we're dancing. I believe I can fly. I believe I can fly.

I love you, Eddie. I love the lights coming out of its eyes. Oh, my God. I put a bulb in its head. All right, and that is our cue for a segment from Old MacNeely. Really? We flew through this one. We're doing Penthouse Forum Mad Libs. All right, so what we're going to do here, this is the title of this one.

By the way, I picked up this Penthouse Forum for two bucks off the street yesterday. Yeah, yeah, it's covered in old cum. Usually Penthouse Forums on the street are free. Yeah, I feel like Marcus was just so thankful to the universe He picked it up off the sidewalk and left it $2 I talked to the garbage can and he said it cost $2 I gave him $2 I didn't want him to be forced to blow me later

The guy knows now that Marcus hangs out with me So every time I pass by he's just like Hey, how's it going? I'm just like, I'm not buying any more of your dirty books, old man. You want to stroke it again? I'll watch ya. Well, I had a really long conversation with him. I'm sure you did. Oh, man, don't talk to those people, Marcus.

He was a really nice guy. I'm sure he was. Alright, okay, Marcus, start us off. I need a noun. A noun. Okay, fuck it, let's just go with horse. Horse, alright. Ed, I need a noun. You need a noun? Yeah. I need a noun. A noun. Okay. Fuck it, let's just go with horse. Horse, alright. Ed, I need a noun. You need a noun? Yeah, I need a noun.

Fuck's not a noun, right? No. Alright. We're gonna go ahead with cum. Cum. It's gonna be the same story. Okay, wait, see, that's the thing. You can't do sexual. Alright, alright. Alright, alright. Noun. Orange. Orange, alright.

Adjective. It's still sexual for you, Eddie. Yeah, I know. Jackie, adjective. Slimy. Slimy. Nice. Slimy penis. Adjective. Henry. Unique. Unique.

Okay. Noun. Amber. Noun.oun Amber Abraham Lincoln It's a proper noun That's okay That's okay Adjective Jeff Craving

Craving That's an adverb Crave No that's an adverb. Crave? No, that's a verb. You did not pass junior... Cheese whiz. An adverb describes something.

Scrumptious. Just give him scrumptious. Cheese whizzy. I'll go with sleazy. Sleazy. There you go. Ben, we need a British man's name. Drunk Woodward. Drunk Woodward.

Drunk as well. We need a British man's name, Ben. Woodward. Woodward. I'd let that happen. We need a verb, Kevin. Sliced. Sliced.

I like it. All right. Verb, Andy. Pickle. Pickle. Pickle. You can pickle something. You can pickle a lot of things. Too pickle is a verb.

Too pickle. I was about to say. All right. An adjective, Marcus. You don't have any? You're not going to do one? Oh, well, okay. He knows the story.

Yeah, yeah. An adjective. Yeah, I'm the master? He knows the story. An adjective. Yeah, I'm the master of the Mad Lib list. Bloody. Bloody, okay. And a noun, Ed. Another fucking noun? Yeah, a thing, a person, a place.

I'm going to go Aardvark. Aardvark. That was the nickname of my friend in high school. That's the first word in the dictionary. I cheated. I cheated. I just opened the dictionary. His name is Aardvark. I cheated. I cheated. I just opened the dictionary.

I was like, Aardvark. What is this word? How do you pronounce it? Aardvark. Aardvark. Jack, we need a body part. I'm going to go ahead and say... Yelbo.

Yelbo. Yelbo. Yelbo. Yelbo. Yelbo. All right, Yelbo. That is an Asian elbow. Oh, Yelbo. Yelbo. With my bone, right?

Right, right. One minute comes out to air. Get to air, bro. Yelbo. We want a name. Henry Zebrowski. That's the only one he knows. Alright, a sauce, Amber.

A sauce? Yeah, a sauce. Go for it. Do you want Frito? What do you call it? A Frito Swag. Do a butter picket. When you make a gumbo and you do the... A roux? A roux.

A roux. A roux. Flowery. R-O-U-S. Alright, we need an adjective. Oh, God. He's horrible with adjectives. Fuck me. Cumming. Cumming? Cumming. Cumming. No, no, no. We can't do a sexual one.

Can't be sexual. Describes a thing. Just think about your wait. We can't do a sexual one. Can't be sexual. Oh, can't be sexual. Describes a thing. Just think about your life. Nothing sexual. Tremendous. Tremendous. That's a good one. Then an adverb, Ben.

Don't know what that means. Describe a verb. Describing a verb. I literally don't know the verbs. He comes loudly. Quickly. Loudly. Quickly.

What's a verb? Angrily. What's a verb? Come. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Oh, an action. No, action no no no an adverb he asked what a verb was a verb is something that you do

or an action that can be taken little kids play this game an adverb describes the action I'm just gonna beat you with a fucking mop handle I'll tell you one thing when Jim Szaplinski was drinking my piss out of a Mountain Dew bottle in 7th grade during this goddamn class, I was laughing. So,

I literally pissed in a Mountain Dew bottle during English class. This is not story time. No, I'm just saying why I don't know what the fuck. Pissed. Trippingly. That's it. Pissed is it. Angrily. Drunkenly.

Drunkenly. Okay. Highly. You just have to repeat any word. Bruce Lee. I would say Hoppedly. That's not a word. Hoppedly along.

Happily. That sounds like happily. Happily. Let's see how the resultsily. That sounds like happily. Happily. Happily. I'm going to go with happily. All right. Right. Let's see how the results were. Bear with me here.

Hoppily. Hoppily. This is called... Is this a word? This is called slimy toys. Oh. I love those. Everyone writes about... Everyone writes about the delights of a big, stiff, throbbing horse,

ready to spout like a orange. But no one says anything about the charms of a sweet, cuddly, slimy one. The neglect is strange, as most women spend more time with slimy ones than hard ones. After all, every man is slimy more often than he is hard. When I fantasize about my husband,, every man is slimy more often than he is hard. When I fantasize about my husband, I think of his slimy horse. I don't know, slimy and horse?

It's just like Holden's story. A slimy horse has its own attractions. Delicate skin, springy texture, unique Abraham Lincolns, and smoothly sliding parts. Also, a slimy horse is always

available. A slimy horse is different from a sleazy woodward. We do different things with it. After my husband slices, he is finished for a while. But I am not. It takes me some time to come

down from my high. At this time, I have a powerful desire for his horse. At first, he is so bloody that he can't hardly stand for me to pickle him. I am very gentle. I have a craving to caress that bloody aardvark with my yelbows

and my Henry Zebrowski. I roll it slowly in my roux sauce like a delicious piece of candy. If it were tremendous, if it were tremendous, it would keep sliding in

happily. Eagle burn. Alright, okay. That means stop or go? Go. Okay, we're going to do one more. I love it. I think the process of making the Mad Libs is a lot of fun. But the Mad Libs themselves.

I thought that was kind of fun. We need a person. We need a person. Mahatma Gandhi. Mahatma Gandhi. Mahatma Gandhi. We need a noun plural, Jackie. Sandwiches. Sandwiches. We need a company's, Jackie. Sandwiches.

Sandwiches. We need a company's name. Heinz. Sounds like heinies. Noun plural. Noun plural. Sweaters. Sweaters.

I'm so upset about this next one, man. We need an adjective, man. I'm so upset. I'm so pissed. Destroy? Oh my god, that's a verb! The two of you sitting next to each other. God damn it.

I'm sorry that we're the coolest fucking kids in class. Jeff, describe a hat. How would you describe a hat? Does that work? Pampin. Pampin. Pampin. Pampin. Pampin works. A noun, Ben. Easy. It's a person, a place, or a thing.

Your ass. Your ass. Holden's ass. We got it. An occupation. Garbage man. A place, Andy. Times Square, Starbucks.

Good choice. Starbucks. A tool. A tool? A handsaw. Handsaw. I thought you were going to say Holden. Fuck, what is it?

Holden is a tool. Dicknick, dick neck! Noun, plural. Plural noun? Salamanders. All the right nouns, some of the S. These are also all our first instincts for improv

suggestions. This is an animal, much like his noun plural. An animal? Yeah. Native American. Native American. All right.

This is called sheer pleasure. After considering many letters and forum, and with constant encouragement from my Mahatma Gandhi I agreed to don a pair of sandwiches as an experiment. Mahatma Gandhi wouldn't eat sandwiches though. My wife brought me a

pair of Heinz Gandhi's in queen size. Much to my amazement. I found the feel of them against my hairy sweaters and genitals to be incredible. It didn't take long for my wife

to stimulate me to a climax through the pimping Holden's ass. I have been hooked ever since. I find that the continual massaging sensation of the Ghandis has been an aid to maintaining my energy level throughout the day. I now wear them to work underneath my trousers.

I must admit that I have now considered being a garbage man. I don't think that I will find it as stimulating as the feel of sheer Gandhi's, though. My only problem with the Gandhi's occurs in the Times Square Starbucks. I have resorted to using a pair of hand saws, though it greatly shortens the lifespan of the Gandhi's. the lifespan of the Gandhi's. I wish that the stigma placed on being a garbage man would be lifted so that men could openly wear Gandhi's, specifically designated for

their salamanders. I suggest them for any man who is on his Native American all day. And that is Penhouse Foreign Mad Libs, everybody. Ride them! Eat that maze!

Eat that maze! The thing about a Native American... They run on ethanol. Hell yeah, that's the segment, my friend. I love it. I would have learned a lot more in school if that was how we got taught. Oh, man.

I got in trouble in fourth grade when I did a Dirty Mad Libs and the teacher found it and then she stapled it to the detention she gave me and I was so scared to give it to my parents. But when I gave it to them, they just laughed their asses off. I was like,

God damn it, I'm going to be a comedian. And you're a beautiful comedian, Eddie. All right, that's going to wrap up this episode of Roundtable. For Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, I'm Ben Gissel, Marcus Parks. Thanks so much for Henry Zabrowski, Andy, thanks for being here, buddy. And Jeff Stevens. Andrew Zabrowski. Go! Albert Elson. Go! Yes! Andy, thanks for being here, buddy.

Go! And Jeff Stevens. Thanks, man. Go! Yay! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! God knows there's none left. That's just sad. We'll cut that out. We'll cut the last part. We should just end on a moment. We'll cut out the Native Americans again.

Fucking Andrew Jackson over here.