The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 72: Fried

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this week's Round Table, the boys and Jackie discuss the many, many times they've almost blown up the restaurants they've worked in through fryer accidents, a man is fired for refusing to wear a 666 sticker, and a ten year old steals a car and gets off because hey, he's a nice kid.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh, ram-a-ham-a-ham! Ram-a-ham-a-ham! In the name of the Father, and of the Son, gentlemen. Always civility. In the name of the Father,

and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Dear Jesus Christ of God, I miss you. I haven't talked to you properly ever because you're fake. But that's

neither here nor there. I would like to say properly, ever, because you're fake. But that's got nothing to do with it. That's neither here nor there. I would like to say right now, we need some rain to make the crops grow. Oh, my God. I don't think that's Jesus Christ language.

My family's got no corn. We can't make our corn shoes. My family's got no corn. We can't make our corn shoes. We can't make our corn clothes. Well, now you're just doing my parents' prayer. The Indians call it maize. Jesus, this has been Mr. Parks signing off.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Holy Ghost, Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Round Table, gentlemen. What a nice, nice, that was good. You mentioned corn for the Thanksgiving prayer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good job, Eddie.

I love it. Who is everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski. I'm a very disgusted Ed Larson. Holder McNeely, ram-a-ham-a-ding-dong. Rock you. Yeah, I'm just Kevin Barnett. That's me.

You're a beautiful man, Kevin. I'm Ben Kissel in the truck. We've got Nick Vatterot. How you doing, buddy? I'm Nick Vatterot. I've decided I want to be the guy that, like, when I'm on, you never know what's going to happen. He's wild. He's bonkers.

Oh, Jesus, put all those knives away, man. Wild man, Nick Vatteron. It always ends up with stories about my nephews. Nick is in the studio, dressed as a monkey. And we don't know what's gonna happen

right now. And with the news, Marcus Parks. How you doing, Marcus? What do you got for us today? I'm doing well. A Georgia factory worker claims in a federal lawsuit that he was fired after he refused to wear a 666 sticker he feared would doom him to eternal damnation. Billy E. Hyatt claims he was fired from Pliant Corp.,

a plastics factory in northern Georgia near Dalton. Everyone knows the devil's involved in plastics. That's true. After he refused to wear a sticker proclaiming that his factory had been accident-free for 666 days. So every single

time this guy went to work, he had a dilemma to cause an accident or not before 666. So every day he would have to, like, when it was 400 days accident-free, they had that sticker. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of stickers they were making. They're making a sticker for every day. Every day. That's a waste of stickers. It seems like it. Well, it's plastic. They're already

wasting the environment anyway. That's a good point. I hope somebody gets injured in that sign-making machine. That's the reason they ruin their street, because they're making fucking stickers every day. It's the reason they ruined their street because they're making fucking stickers every day. It's fucking a bloody 666 stickers come out.

He was right! Exactly. I mean, what Ben said is true. This says that he grew nervous in early 2009 as the number of accident-free days

crept into the 600s. Why didn't it just cause a fucking accident? Yeah, I mean, I feel like, yeah, day 665, he should have just immediately dropped a shovel on his head.

He's like, you know, this keeps going for 60 more days. There's no way I'm gonna fucking wear that sticker, bro, I'm telling you. I don't care what they do to me. Why are you being strange, man? We've been talking slow in this factory for years.

It says that Hyatt approached, as the company safety calendar approached day 666, Hyatt said he approached a manager and explained that wearing it would force him, quote, to accept the mark of the beast and to be condemned to hell. When the day came on March 12, 2009, Hyatt sought a manager to discuss his request. He said that he was told his beliefs were, quote, ridiculous. Kevin Barnett, his manager? And that he should wear the sticker

or serve a three-day suspension. So he chose the suspension. Yeah, and he took the suspension and was fired at a human resources meeting several days later. I should have just come up from behind him and put the sticker on his back so he's condemned to hell anyway.

Every day you walk into this place they give you a sticker with a number on it saying how many days it's been... Why not just make a sign and put it on the wall? I don't know. Chalkboard it up. Yeah. What if it's warranted? I wonder if it's warranted.

I wonder if it's warranted. After 3-11, everybody came down with Omaha style. And we match up what happens with the number. Oh, man. You know 420 was a fun day. I'm shocked there wasn't an accident on that one. 187. Someone got murdered.

I guess not. Everyone else seems to do to do with it. I guess not. Everyone else seems to do really well with numbers. No problem with those. It's so funny the power of religion. This number that

doesn't mean anything whatsoever was enough to get this guy fired. He wanted it, man. Can I also say that? He wanted this to happen in a lot of ways. He wanted to make

a big huff about it. I'm thinking these are his four minutes. He's a martyr now. He was probably also just a shitty employee. It's very possible. The irony of it all is that the 666 actually was his demise.

Yeah, exactly. He was losing his job. He was right! In a way, he was right. Eddie, have you ever fired someone? No, I could just see him sitting in his room in the dark, just like, God, man, you couldn't come through for me, man. You have to think, this guy's sitting there praying for someone to get hurt.

He's praying for someone to die so he doesn't have to wear 666. Come on, get smited. He should have just sprained his ankle the day before. He just hurls himself down a flight of stairs. I mean, I will say, for plastics, though, that's, what, almost two years accident-free for a factory? That's pretty damn good. Oh, yeah.

Eddie, as a restaurant guy, how many people do you think get hurt on the job on a yearly basis? At my restaurant? Yeah. Probably like three or four. That's a pretty high standard. All Mexicans? No, I mean, I got a couple injuries.

A buddy of mine, one of my sous chefs, cut the tip of his finger off. I did that? Yeah, you did that too? Yeah, she did that. She cried like a little bitch. Well, she cut her finger off. I was roaring. That's what I was doing.

I was going, ah! Which was a... She bled green blood, which was a situation for a minute there. That was great. Jackie had like a week of horrors. I never go to her work, and I'm just strolling up,

and she's just outside with a bloody finger holding up in the air, crying. I was sick and sorry. I just started laughing my ass off. Shouldn't have taken that job in Knoblog. That's for damn sure. Oh, man. I love it.

Eddie, what's the worst work experience incident you've had so far? Did I ever tell the story about the girl who tore her Achilles tendon? Oh, my goodness. What, was she trying to post up

and slam dunk in the deep wire? No, no. This was at BW3's in Tallahassee. We used to have this back door that there was like a little ledge underneath it and the door was just solid fucking steel and sharp rusted edges because we treated that place like fucking garbage

a lot of weed though if the sanitation that uh that is in new york what what uh what letter would it get well when i was when i when i stopped working there it was clean but when i first started working there at 18 we used to just fucking that place no way it should have stayed open i don't know i don't know how we ever passed a health inspection. Or I don't even remember there ever being a health inspection. That's a problem. But anyway, so...

I'm cleaning the fryer and this chick's coming in from smoking a cigarette and the door kind of closes on its own. It's a big, heavy fucking door. And the door just closes on her ankle, on the back of her ankle and then she just lifts her foot up and it just... It's a big, heavy fucking door. And the door just closes on her ankle, on the back of her ankle. And then she just lifts her foot up. And she fucking,

and she just, I just heard, I just looked, I heard her scream and I saw what happened. And I was cleaning the fryer at the time. And I go, oh, fuck. And then I stuck my hand in the fryer. And we both went to the hospital together. I'm surprised the whole place just didn't burn out. Yeah, the domino effect of the B-13 just blows up.

That just makes me nauseous. After 666 days of no incidents, wouldn't you believe it? That sounds like a very brutal, brutal profession, the restaurant biz. I did not do well in that one. I just wonder how many people ate fries with some of your skin on it. Yeah. We all have. A couple.

We've all done it. I remember we used to have a horrible cockroach problem there. Oh, yeah? Yeah, a disgusting cockroach problem. One day one fell on my hair and I was like, that's it! Leave it! You could have called John Goodman in there. Arachnophobia.

I made this great chemical formula that would kill them. It was like Windex mixed with bleach, mixed with everything. It was toxic as fuck. If you sprayed too much of a Unihalic, you'd fucking die. No questions asked. But questions would be asked. I mean, there should be tests. Not by the person.

Wake him up! Wake him up! It wouldn't be answered, but the questions would be asked. It's like, you know how you can stick a hot nail in the tip of a spray bottle and you can make it spray really far once you take the hot nail out? Yeah, like a penis. Yeah, just like a penis. And so I made this great, and I would just kill these cockroaches out of the air.

But wasn't that over food? What? Wasn't that like over food? Wasn't that over food? Yeah, one time I shot this chemical. I didn't give a fuck about nothing. I was 18 years old. It's like killing bees with bullets in the middle of a high school game. There were bees all around. I had to shoot them.

One time I shot a cockroach in the air. It dies. As soon as it touched the cockroach, it dies. It dies on contact. It dies. As soon as this shit touched the cockroach, it dies. It dies on contact and flies right into a fryer. And me and my buddy looked at it and we're just like, that's horrible. Those poor people.

Don't eat in a fryer too today. It would have just tasted amazing though. You could have opened up a whole restaurant chain. Chemicals and cockroach. Chemicals and cockroach. Chemicals and cockroach. I'll take the number four. Extra chemical, please. No legs, please. I hate the legs.

They get stuck in my teeth. The wings would be huge, though, right? Wouldn't they just mutate and be really, really big? They're as big as however big a cockroach is. How do you think a cockroach would taste if you rolled it in a nice buffalo wing dough Yeah man with hot sauce on it

Anything tastes good I'm going to go ahead and say bad I'm going to go bad Too crunchy? Yeah too much exoskeleton For my taste You're weird You're the weird one here

Remember that time we ate crickets? Yeah I do Nick have you ever eaten something that you just were absolutely disgusted with yourself for consuming? I'll say that fucking up like that and not making somebody else

eat something disgusting. One time I came out of the kitchen I was waiting tables and I had two items. It was like a tables, and I had two items. It was like a burrito and another thing of ribs. And I went and sat down the plate in front of this one lady. And then I turned back to get the plate of ribs, and the ribs were gone off of the plate. They were just gone.

And then the lady goes, and I looked at her and I go, and I'll be right back with your ribs. And I was sitting there going, what just happened? The ribs were there. What happened? And I turned around and they were gone. And I just, I go, I need more ribs. I go, what happened? I go, I don't know. They were gone for 20 seconds. How'd you lose ribs? I go, I don't know where they went.

You know, and so I go, I go, you gotta give me those ribs. Can I get those ribs? I'm like, crime rock, give me those ribs! You know, and the short go, you've got to give me those ribs. Can I get those ribs? I'm like, crime rock, give me those ribs! You know, and the short guy. But I grab the, I get nothing of ribs. I go out, and I go, there is your, and I go, and there is your ribs right there. And she goes, and she just, she knew something was wrong.

And I go, all right. I go, anything else I can get for you? And they're like, no. I go, cool. And then I walked away, and the ribs were under her chair so they fell they went under her chair so she's like i think it's funny she's like looking around for her food and her food's under her the whole time they get under there i'm just assuming the ribs saw her and were just like let's get out of there.

And I thought about it, but that's why I brought that up. Because my boss was like, well, can you sweep? And then I went over and swept the ribs out from under her without her looking. She's looking around. I go, because I did it without her looking. And then she saw that I was behind her. And I waved. And she didn't know that I was sweeping the ribs up from under her.

Because my boss was like, can we reserve those ribs? There was a moment like, can we? I'm like, nah, it's on the floor. Floor's no big deal. Floor happens all the time. Get out there and sweep up them ribs. That's such a weird thing to sweep up. I know, sweeping up ribs.

Like a full slab of ribs. You probably could have ate them But once they enter that dustpan That's too much That's worse than the floor That is very disgusting All the fast food restaurants I ate Food used to fall on the floor quite often

That was always true You put it back on the grill I just feel like it's easy to eat stuff when you hate yourself Yeah, that's the problem You also got fired from fast food restaurants That's problem. You also got fired from fast food restaurants. That's difficult to have. You got fired from fast food restaurants for being disgusting. Fast food restaurants are tough to work at.

Holden, you ever work at a fast food restaurant? No, I worked at Blockbuster Video. Well, yeah, you got shot at. Yeah, that was the thing. I like to get shot at. I'm no good. I worked at Pita Ria. That was fast food-ish.

But we smoked weed in the freezer. I have a fryer thing, actually. We smoked a bunch of weed in the freezer. We came out. My supervisor, Zach, lazy-eyed Zach. Worst human person. Oh, God. Worst dude.

Worst dude. Bad guy with a lazy eye? Big, big fat dude with a lazy eye from Libya. Horrible coke problem. With the parrot, right? Terrible coke problem. He's always just walking to the hotel while we were writing a sketch and he'd be like,

so, you know, we smoke weed and hang out now. I'm like, no, Zach, we're busy. And he's like, okay, and he sits down and starts smoking weed. He always kept his weed in a little tin foil. So we're smoking weed in the freezer and then we come out. He's over by the fryer's and I have his lighter and

he's like, oh, my lighter. And he holds up his hand for me to toss it at him i toss it to him it it it bounces off the tip of his top of his finger and goes right into the fryer all right now it's go time because as soon as that plastic melts through there's gonna be something like something's gonna happen bad if we don't get that fucking lighter out of the freezer So we start getting all types of kitchen utensils We're trying to pull this lighter Out of this thing Who knows what's gonna happen at any point And so it's kind of like three stooges

We're like bumping into each other And they're finally like With an explosion Yeah with a potential explosion about to happen And then there's a cashier and another cook And they're off to the side They don't know what's going on Because we're trying to be all secret about it.

And then we, like, run over. We're trying to grab some other utensils because those weren't working. And then just, like, pop. Like, boom. Just, like, grease flies out. Like, if anybody was by that fry or when it happened, it would have just been a grease explosion on their body. Like, it would have been insane. And, you know, and then we just started.

We were just like. on their body. It would have been insane. And then we just started... Because the cashier and the cook are like, what the fuck? We had to drain the fryer and start over, but I'm sure there was some gas, something in that. We drained it and sort of cleaned it. These fries taste like

Bic. They sort of taste like a Bic lighter. It's weird. That's fucking amazing. I need to work in a restaurant, man. Everyone fries taste like Bic. They sort of taste like a Bic lighter. It's weird. That's fucking amazing. Damn, I need to work in a restaurant, man. Everyone's life seems so exciting. It's dangerous, man. It's dangerous, John. Super dangerous stuff. If I want to fuck some of my cooks sometimes when it's real busy, I'll just walk behind

them and put like a cup of ice in the fryer. What does that do? Because when you put a little bit of ice in the fryer, nothing happens at first and it gives you enough time to get away. And then once the ice melts, the whole fryer erupts. The grease just starts flying. Everyone gets burned. Jesus, Ed!

That is terrible! It's total madness, man. It's so much fun. Has anybody gotten seriously injured from this yet? No! It sounds like it's possible. It's a simple, basic kitchen shenanigans. Little burns. The kitchen shenanigans are the best

It's like oops I put that pan there Yeah it's really hot You grabbed it I get burned all the time Like check this one out It's weird to have it All the way up the side of your body Well I was reaching up for a pie pan

See I just thought that was when a whore cut you. That one's on the other side. I had one time I had to take a tray, like a pan, a cookie sheet, and it had a bunch of grease on it from chicken, and it was above my head,

and I took it out, and then all the boiling grease just fell on my chest. It was... I was like, oh, oh, and I had to take my shirt off. I feel like if there was an 80-year-old chick in a rocking chair, it could have been a pretty hot scene, though. Were you glistening like a small piece of poultry? I mean, I was fucking fried.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty hot, though. I would like it. Marcus, I know you have a new co-worker now, this Mexican fellow. You want to talk about him? He's the best ever. Yes, Jackie. Marcus, I know you have a new co-worker now, this Mexican fella. You want to talk about him? He's the best ever. Yes, Jackie. Marcus is very stressed out. His job

hired a new Mexican. First of all, I'm a dishwasher. So I work with Marcus. Yeah, me and Jackie work together. They call him, at his work, they call him Dishy Marcus. Yes, Dirty Dishy Marcus, and you are just getting schooled right now by this Mexican fella. God, I'm getting so fucked over, man, because it used to be I was the badass dishwasher, because the other guy sucked, and he was always fucking Marcus, and you are just getting schooled right now by this Mexican fella. I'm getting so fucked over, man, because it used to be

I was the badass dishwasher, because the other guy sucked, and he was always fucking up and breaking shit, and so I was the badass dishwasher, and I didn't even have to try that hard, and now they brought this Mexican dude in, and he is the best. Everyone's just like, ah, Joel, he's fucking awesome.

Oh, I'm going to lose my job. It's just Marcus is going to be forced to utter... I would never hire a white man to be a dishwasher. I'm going to lose my job. Marcus is going to be forced to utter... I would never hire a white man to be a dishwasher. If you're a white guy, if you're not Mexican and you're washing dishes, you did something really wrong in your life. Ed, you got that story

from when you came down the poor house in the morning one time. You had the hardest working Mexican worker with the keg. Oh, yeah. It's real tiny. He's strong one, the hardest working Mexican worker with the keg. Which, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. He's real tiny, strong as fuck because they all lift kegs

all the time. And I come in, it's right after I started working there. He lifts a keg, full keg, over his head. He's got no shirt on.

He's just like, shoulder pressing his keg. And I walk downstairs and he's got it above his head and he goes, Mexican power! That's amazing. Well, I walked in on he's got it above his head. He goes, Mexican power! That's amazing. I walked in on him washing the walls in the kitchen.

He was just up on a chair washing the walls because he had finished all of the work he had to finish in two hours after being in his eight hour shift. He had actually surprised me because I didn't know that he was up there. I was like, oh my god, he scared me. He went, surprise! And everyone laughed. And everyone was smiling. Is he funnier than you two, Marcus? He works harder and people like him more?

Yeah, they like him so much more than they like me. Because I'm just like this weirdo like, hey, you guys want to talk about fantasy novels? Oh my god. And he's just like smiling like, hello, I don't know how to speak English well. I'm trying to have

conversation. He's got a secret, man. He's got a secret. You've got to find out what it is. I know he's got a secret. Have you ever seen a sitcom before? This happens in every sitcom. He comes in, he's way better, but they're always hiding something. Once it's been a demise, everyone will be going, we're so sorry. We apologize to you. You will be going We're so sorry

We apologize to you You guys are going to be so sorry I know about that I can see it in his eyes I think he's done some murders He's done nothing I know he's done nothing He's like the best guy

All he's done is everything better than you And Marcus is going to be one of those White guys at a tea party function know he's done nothing. He's like the best guy. All he's done is everything better than you. And then Marcus is going to be one of those white guys at a tea party function and be like, he took my job! Mexicans take the jobs! I lost my job. See, that's my biggest fear is that one day he's going to walk up to our boss and say, hey, I have a friend. He wants a job too.

Can you give him a dishwashing job? And she's like, well, I got this other white guy. He's like, oh, fuck white guy. They're no good. And then they fire me and they hire the Mexican guy. He would never say fuck. Oh, I see. Angel of a human being. He is an angel.

Oh, right. It would be nice to have a Mexican dude on this show, man. It would be nice. Well, let's not go that far. Come on. I would love to have one. I'll bring one. I mean, you know, there's always Isadora.

Do you think she still listens? Yeah, she still listens. Hey, Isadora. Hey, Isadora. Man, I had this great Mexican bar back at another job. is Isadora. Do you think she still listens? Yeah, she still listens. Hey, Isadora. Hey, Isadora. Man, I had this great Mexican bar back at another job. Not poorhouse, but a different one. He had a bowl haircut, kind of like No Country for Old Men.

And he used to always wear these big floppy hats. He was from Mexico, and he dealt with everything. We found out that the reason he had all this stuff is because when he was in Mexico, he ran away from Mexico because he was a drug dealer. And when he was in Mexico, he ran away from Mexico because he was a drug dealer. And when he was real, real young, like a kid, and one of the drug dealers fucking cut off

the top of his ears. Get out of here! I mean, that's not the worst thing a drug dealer has done to a person. It's not the worst. It's not a great thing. It's not a great thing, but you know, Mick Foley doesn't have the top of his ears. There's some honor in it. For Mexico, that's pretty tame.

Did you ever get a chance to see them? No, no, no, no. He just never let anybody know about it. A buddy of mine, he told one of my bartenders, and he said he saw them, and I was like, God damn. So he has a hat on all the time? All the time. Or has the bowl haircut that covers his ears.

Nick, what's your reaction when I'm like, I'm just going to cut off the top of your ear. Like, if I do this, like, how does that feel? It's really weird, right? That would just fucking suck. Oh my god. Mexicans are the toughest human beings on the face of the planet. I love every single one.

I still go to Russians. You think Russians are? I don't think they work as hard. If there was a Russian dishwasher with Marcus, Marcus and the Russian dishwasher would be about even. They're not as nice though. They're not as nice, though. They're not as personable as an ex-kid.

Russians will wash dishes in three feet of snow with fucking... Well, they don't have restaurants over there. It's different. It's an entirely different world. Yeah, a whole bunch of vodka. Marcus, what's some other news? All right, we got a Florida story. Yeah!

We've talked about this town before. Fort Myers? Oh, yeah, I know Fort Myers. Old people town. Old people town. Old people town. All right. Well, this isn't an old people story. A 30-year-old Fort Myers woman was arrested on Saturday after admitting to Fort Myers

police officers that she gave a one-year-old child drinks from an alcoholic beverage. Here's what happened. Everybody does that. They put whiskey in the nipple. Isn't that fine? This was wine coolers. Officers were dispatched to the area and found a large group of people in front of a residence. Laquita Neal was identified as the woman who requested police.

Neal told officers that her brother slapped her in the face and twisted her arm behind her head after she provided the child with a sip from wine coolers she had been consuming. Due to Neal's admission that she provided a child with an alcoholic beverage, she was arrested and charged with child abuse. And the other guy was given $500. He was arrested and charged with battery. That's fucked up. She called the cops on herself, though.

I hate when people do that. If someone gave my one-year-old a beer, I would slap them and twist their arm. Are you kidding me? Absolutely. I mean, but I wouldn't call the cops if I was the one who gave the dude a beer and you hit me in the face. Oh, she's obviously not very bright. Yeah, that's punishment enough.

Like, hit me. Oh, my God. Everyone, check out this fucking mugshot. Oh, Jesus. She is unnecessarily happy for just getting the shit kicked out of her. Oh, my God. I think she's just happy to see a camera for the first time. Holy Lord. She'd just be ashamed that she was drinking a wine cooler in the first place.

What is she, 14? I would say if you had to... Maybe she's one. Maybe. Maybe. I think, I hear, if you give a kid, this is true, if you give a kid drunk when they're early on, they can't get drunk the rest of their life. And so it's a preventative measure to keep kids from becoming like Rachel.

That's a good point. So she should have given him a cigarette and a little bit of meth as well. He would have grown up to be very upstanding. Yeah, they're all like vaccines. Yeah, shove a tick in his ass, too. He is autistic, though. Yeah. Whatever, that'll happen.

He won't be able to spell anything. Holden, did your father ever give you a nip when you were growing up or anybody? Some fathers do that. Absolutely. You had a bit of a nip? Whenever we were on road trips, and this is back in the days, you go on a road trip, you take a six-pack of beer along with you. Wasn't this the 90s?

It wasn't that long ago. Well, okay, it was the late 80s, early 90s. And whenever you're like, Dad, I'm thirsty. And you just hand back a Bud Light and you're like, here, take a sip of this. And you sip it and it's great. Really? Yeah. And then you fall asleep and he doesn't have to deal with you anymore.

The drinking was like a horrible dark secret for my family. So it was like, yeah. So it was kept away. It was always keep it secret, keep it safe. So that's why I was crawling up the fridge trying to get to it above the uh refrigerator uh oh man i had myself some whiskey though in secret in the dark yeah how old were you when you first stole your old man's whiskey oh god uh that was uh i want to say like sixth grade seventh grade oh wow that's pretty young like that i was about the same age whenever i first started drinking whiskey about 12 little

sip no i mean i mean, I got wasted. You got trashed. But you're in the backwoods. I mean, you're like, yeah, you're covered in locusts. It's easy to do. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. My dad did give me that first sip of whiskey, though. Yeah, he did.

And then after my dad went to bed, my cousins got me super fucked up. Yeah, I saw a UFO that night. Yeah, that was the night. Yeah, no, we believe you. They exist. I have that was the night. Yeah, no, we believe you. That exists. I have a very terrible memory. When my parents decided that drinking wasn't going to be allowed in the house anymore, we dumped out so

much whiskey and so much wonderful wine into the sink, and it's really a tragic memory. I didn't realize all the fantastic things I could have done with that. Are your parents sober? Yeah, they don't drink. I don't know why they don't drink. I don't think he was ever an alcoholic. I think for religious reasons.

But nonetheless. They have stuff here and there, but for the most part, there's nothing in the house. It sucks. Thanksgiving was always my least favorite holiday. Everyone was unwillingly sober.

So it was just anger. It was always angry all day. was because everyone was unwillingly sober. Yeah. And then, so it was just anger. It was always angry all day. My family, man, it's a bunch of fucking southern good old boys, so they, like, if there's not beer there, they will go on beer runs.

Yeah, totally. Oh, yeah. They fucking get, they're just like, all right, is it after 11? You know, like, I hear that like every Thanksgiving. After 11?

I'll tell you. We don't even have to, like, make an excuse tell you. We don't even have to make an excuse or anything. You don't even mention it. But we did have to, whenever I used to work with my dad on the ranch, we had to make a rule where we couldn't start drinking beer before 3 p.m. Because we'd be drunk by 6. That's not a bad idea. I will say, based on last year's Thanksgiving, which is my favorite Thanksgiving of all time, alcohol is the savior of that holiday, without a doubt.

It's so funny. My mom will go out, and she'll buy me, just for me. This is the holiday that I spent with Ed's mother last year. She buys me and Ben a bottle of whiskey and a 20-pack. Yeah. A huge bottle of whiskey. Yeah, a huge bottle. We drink all of it, of course.

And then she gets mad at us. She got very upset. There was a dog die, and we all know this story. It was a goddamn dog die. Alcohol is really the reason for the season, though. I mean, that's what's... I have to go home for Christmas, and nobody drinks, and it's so awkward.

It's just uncomfortable. But my mom does allow beer now, but it's like, you go for your fourth beer, and then she just kind of stares at you and slowly gets sad. And she's like, do you have a problem beer now, but it's like, you go for your fourth beer and then she just, like, kind of stares at you and slowly gets sad, and she's like, do we have a problem? And it's like, no, you have a problem. That's why I need tons of fucking beer to be around you. You're mentally retarded. You know?

I think alcohol is just, it makes you forget that you don't care what other people have to say. Uh-huh. Yeah. And they can't hurt you then. That's the thing. Or just, like, it just makes you not give a shit of what's going on. I remember at one point I looked over and it was like my dad, my mom, and my mother's

aunt and uncle standing around the dishwasher because they'd just gotten a new one. Was he Mexican? Right, yeah. Stand around and for a little while. They had just ripped out his tongue so he couldn't speak. Good, good.

And I just watched them. They just got a brand new dishwasher And I just watched my dad Open the dishwasher And they looked at it And then he closed it again And then they all looked at each other And nodded And I drank

And I downed a beer After seeing that It was terrifying You have to I mean you have to It's so horrifying and mundane They were just looking Appreci appreciating a fucking dishwasher. It's like something Mike Judge would write.

Yep, dishwasher. Yep, that's nice. That's a road warrior. General Electric. John Deere dishwasher. Four horsepower dishwashers. Anyway, so what's going to happen to this chick? Does she have to go to jail for a whole series of times?

I mean, it doesn't really say, but I do have another Florida story. This one's out of Eatonville. You guys know where that is? No fucks. It's not the pussy Yeah! Pussy bird! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

She gets crazy when I show up. He is an analyst. All right. A 10-year-old boy in Eatonville, Florida scaled the fence of an impound car lot, stole a white pickup truck, drove off with it.

Another driver noticed the kid was driving, called the cops. The kid avoided police by throwing the truck in reverse. Police watched him drive a couple blocks. He smashed into a light pole and set a house on fire. But then the cops, I read this story also from a different place,

the cops actually liked the kid a lot. That was the whole twist. They were like, he was so nice when they arrested him. That's so funny. He's probably going to get off light because of how nice and entertaining he was after they arrested him. That's what happens with serial killers, too. That's how they get so far. They're charming.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, a smart kid. Who would think to put it in reverse. I couldn't drive at 10. When was the earliest you drove, Nick? A car? Some people start driving real young. I was like 11 when I started. You were 11? Country boys, man.

Was it an automatic, though, or a manual? They started me off. My mom tried to teach me how to drive on a manual until I almost drove the gigantic white truck into the house. And then they're like, alright, we'll start you on an automatic first. I learned how to drive a a manual until I almost drove the gigantic white truck into the house. And then they're like, all right, we'll start you on an automatic first. And then I learned how to drive a manual whenever I was like 13. That's the thing. I feel like a 10-year-old could definitely drive a manual, especially playing video games.

You could fucking figure that shit out. But an automatic, on the other hand, that's fucking a different story. No, no, an automatic they could drive, but a manual would be harder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting confused. They could drive, but a manual would be hard. Getting confused. I learned my manual when I was 20 years old.

I loved it, man. You know what the best part is? If you're too drunk to drive, you actually just can't even get the car moving. Fuck a breathalyzer in the car to see if you're drunk. Just force him to get a manual. If he's too drunk to drive that, he's too drunk to drive.

If you can figure that out, you're good to go. I remember I found someone drunk in their car in my driveway after a party because he forgot that he had to let the clutch out. Is that when you have the emergency brake? The emergency brake. He didn't realize. So I kept hearing... The fuck, man!

And then I just saw him asleep out there. I wonder how many drunken and driving car accidents would be avoided if we didn't have automatic cars. Like, manuals save lives. It's a good ad campaign. They should do it. They should work on it. They should have a thing on the phone where it's like, try to text the right person.

If you text the wrong person, you're too drunk. It is just your ex-girlfriend's number. If you don't tell her that you love her, you're good enough to drive. I've talked about this on Gmail. I've talked about that before, right? I'm trying to figure out a way to do it on text. I have it set on my Gmail account

that I have to do math if I want to send an email between the hours of 1am and 7am. Whoa! Really? Yeah, we have that on the Murderfest account, too. Thank God! Oh, man. I used to fuck it. That's...

You just get an email from Eddie and it's just like the subject gets faggots, faggots, and then it's just a picture of Eddie with a little thought bubble and it says faggots. Which is crazy that you were able to do all that. That you were able to Photoshop a picture of yourself and put a thought bubble on it. But, you know.

He understands how things work still. Because I would never say it. Right. Not at all. I mean, I send career-ending emails all the time. Perfectly sober. I make poor choices, man. A lot of people don't respond to me

on emails anymore. Every time I get an email from you, though, it's like, it's just, fuck you. Okay, I'm going to pull up the last email that I got from Kevin. Is that in the Thanksgiving email chain? It's in the Thanksgiving email chain. This email chain got great.

It was nice enough to invite Kevin to Thanksgiving. We were, like, nice enough to invite Kevin to Thanksgiving. We were nice enough where we were like, Kevin's a good friend of ours. Let's bring him over to Thanksgiving. It's a whole email chain. Everyone would be like, hey, I'll bring this. I'll bring that.

People are making jokes. It wasn't that nice. But still, everyone's still being jovial. Hey, Thanksgiving, it's going to be great. And here's what Kevin said. I'm going to be out of town, but all of this food sounds terrible, and I hope it comes out burnt. Fuck y'all.

I love your emails, Kevin. And speaking of Thanksgiving, we got a segment from Holden McNeely. Absolutely. This is back here, back here a segment from Old McNaley. Absolutely. This is back here. Back here after a year. Let's give thanks. Back here after a year. Did we? Yeah, I think so. Is this our second Thanksgiving together? It is.

Tap the table. That's why we have that big turkey in the middle of the table. Oh, yeah. So, I guess... It's not cooked and it's still covered in... There's actually a knife in a turkey, like a dead turkey that's still got feathers on it. I ripped its throat out with my teeth earlier today.

Not before I drowned it. Thank you, Ed. I'll tell you what, I only want to give thanks to two things. First one is I can't believe the entire round table is here It's been like a month without It's been a while This is great, feels good man And the other thanks is thank you Bose headphones

Listen to Bose headphones, feel the beat Hear the beat, Bose headphones Are you kidding me? Are you fucking sure that's not what Thanksgiving is about? Either way Have you talked to him lately? He brings up Bose headphones every conversation. Love Bose. Just love them. Sound good.

Go pick them up. You know what's great is he has nothing to connect them to. He's just walking around. No sound. Bose headphones. Don't even need to connect them. You can still feel the beats. Just for warmth.

I'm thankful for Twitter. Of course. Naturally. Kevin, what do you got? Man, I'm thankful that I got nothing. I don't even got legs that work properly. Fucking coming into that shit. Thankful for that dude coming in here.

I don't know, man. I got nothing, really. So, everything sucks and is terrible. He's thankful for it, though. He's thankful for it. It's good to have you back, man. Ben? I am thankful for

my friends, and I am thankful for food, and I am thankful for my loose skin, because it reminds me of how fat I should and could be, and I am thankful that everybody that I know is doing really well except for me, and I am thankful...

You're doing fine, Ben! I am thankful for my dogs. I'm thankful for Cheo. They're not your dogs, though. I take care of them. I'm thankful for you, Ed. Thank you. Thank you Thank you No problem What? Alright

I am thankful for Nick Nick I'm thankful that you're here Thanks And I'm just overall thankful That we can all be together on Thursday And I'm thankful that Holden's gonna do something very mean And then everyone's gonna scream at him And he's gonna end up going home

And he's gonna cry And I'm thankful that I'm gonna hear about it for the next two weeks And I'm just thankful that I'm going to hear about it for the next two weeks and I'm just thankful that I know you Holden Thank you Love you Rumi I love you, thank you Nick

I think it is a time of year that you kind of I don't mean to change the tone or anything but I think this is a time that you look around and you appreciate everything. I really appreciate that my roommate Robert Dean found a grocery bag full of 8-bit Nintendo games

about three weeks ago. I wonder if I've even seen one. I was over at your place on Friday. I had the most epic Dr. Mario game ever. We have them all. I'm sorry. It was a lot. It game ever. We have them all. I'm sorry. It's okay.

It's fine. It was a lot. It's fine. You know, and he bought a console that you can put an 8-bit and Super Nintendo games in the console.

Oh my god. I got one of those. It's very emotional. Wow. We have Donkey Kong Country. But that was But I am I'm thankful that I don't know whose games they were

I don't know what kid he stole them from But I'm very grateful That I can relive yelling and screaming An old fat 32 year old kid Down on his luck Thank you And Jackie I'm thankful for a lot of things this year You know Thank you. And Jackie?

I'm thankful for a lot of things this year. I'm thankful that my hair isn't falling out the way my brother's is, because his hair is getting very thin now. I'm thankful that I found a bunch of... Actually, it was very similar to the games, except not as similar. I found a bunch of fake tattoos that I could put anywhere on my body. Wow. I'm thankful. That's great.

The thing is that there was a Ricky's receipt inside of the bag, which means they were expensive fake tattoos. What's your favorite fake tattoo? There was a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth. Oh, classic. Those are high end I mean it was really high end I'm thinking about putting it on my neck for Thanksgiving

I had one on the other day at work And my Rachel My boss told me I wasn't allowed to wear it at work anymore So I had to scrub it off Which hurt a lot Because they were expensive fake tattoos And you put one just in the middle of your face I think that that is a really good idea.

And I'm also thankful, speaking of tattoos, of real tattoos, that my man partner is having a new roommate come in. His name is Rimpi. Rimpi. And Rimpi, I found out, is a tattoo artist. Is that what Rimpi is? Rimpi. When you name your kid Rimpi, he ends up being a tattoo artist. Is that what Rimpi is? When you name your kid Rimpi,

he ends up being a tattoo artist. Did you find out what Rimpi's last name is? Well, Rimpi is his last name, but apparently his first name is... No one knows what his first name is, so apparently his name is

Rimpi. And Rimpi is offered... Is he like actually a pterodactyl? I'm thinking he's going to be like, I give you tattoos. And I'm going to let him put anything he wants on my body. And I'm going to point at it. And I'm going to show everyone.

I'm going to say, this is an original by Rimpi. Original by Rimpi sounds awesome. Doesn't that sound nice? Yeah, totally. By Rimpi. By Rimpi. Thank you. Original by Rimpi sounds awesome. Doesn't that sound nice? Yeah, totally. By Rimpi. By Rimpi. Probably the dishwasher that holds his dad. Yeah, exactly.

I was walking down Avenue A yesterday in front of one of those little biker bars. Dude has, you know, he's got a weird face. And then I was like, oh, I feel bad. And I you're like, oh, he's got a weird face. And then I was like, oh, I feel bad. I go, oh, no, it's not a weird face. He has a blue tattoo all over his entire face. Like a dot? Like a Google Maps situation? Yeah, he had a Google Map.

He had a quarter of eighth and third just tattooed Dwayne Reed and everything. Wow. No, but, like. What is that point? Was it like one tattoo that turned into one? That's it. You have a giant blue face for the rest of your life. I would assume before that it was filled with a bunch of

swastikas and bizarre skull creatures and stuff like that. It's better to go blue. Face tattoos are crazy. You can't go. If you're going to cover your whole face, you can tattoos are crazy. You can't go... I mean, you can't have... If you're going to cover your whole face, you can't have white.

You can't have black because that's going to get a whole series of different kinds of attention. Really, the only color that you can do is blue. You can't do yellow. I saw this prison show where they tattooed the whites of their eyes. What?

All blue or all red. All blue or all red. Yeah, and they looked like devils. How the fuck do you do that? They literally inject the needle into the whites of your eyes. Yeah, they were like, you go blind for like a week, and then your seeing comes back, and it just is fine. It's actually really popular right now.

Why? It kind of looks cool. It looks fucking crazy. It's like bright blue. It's like crazy looking It's kind of cool though If you want to do it, do it I would get a pupil on the sides

When I look to the left Double up on the pupils I look like I'm lazy eye But you never knew which one I was using I actually looked to the left a lot When I was really looking straight What are you thankful for? You know, I'm always thankful for

weed. I am thankful for I just got a new sleeveless shirt. Check it out. He's wearing it underneath his other shirt. That is my shirt! That is my shirt, Ed! Eddie has stolen so many of my shirts

and then he cuts the fucking sleeves off of them. That is my senior shirt! It looks better in it! It looks better! How could he look worse in it? For fuck's sake, Ed! Eddie is flexing his muscles right now. Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed in the round table, gentlemen. No, man. You want to stay, Jackie. Anything can happen when Nick Vanderaan is on the show. I don't suck. I'm getting my shirts back. I have the sleeves.

Yes. Back to the round table for Jackie. Marcus, did you? Oh, the sleeves I use for cum racks. All right. Back to the round table. That's his cock. Jack is a Browskid.

Lars and Old McNally. Kevin Barnett. Those headphones. Pick them up. I'm Ben Gissel. Thank you, Marcus Parks. And thank you so much, Nick, for being here. Just one plug.

I have a new site, Bruce Pornsby. It's a new website that I'm doing ad space for, so just check it out. Anything can happen. We're off to you, guys. It's a new website that I'm doing ad space for, so just check it out. How do you think it happened? We're off to you, bye. All of us are thankful for the people that listen. Thank you for listening, everybody. We love you, and everybody loves each other. Yes!