The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 73: Mr. Brazier's Lace

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this week's Round Table: throats are occupied, our most innapropriate and longest laugh record is broken, and the Lightning Round makes it's return. Special guests Thomas Dale, Henry Zebrowski, and Ashley Brooke Roberts join! Also, Pork the Dork!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. That's kind of funny. It's either Eddie or Marcus who was praying. I prayed last night. Okay, Marcus Parks, you gotta pray. Oh, shit. I'm not good off the cuff.

Has this started? Yeah. Kinda, yeah. It's got a loose, ragged beginning and then a really weird long end. We'll probably cut it off like Rabbi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dear Jewish Lord. Oh, wow.

Thank you for the nice lady. Thank you very much for circumcisions. For they keep us from having weird, creepy dog dicks. Oh, man. I like dog dicks. I like them. I like dog dicks.

And thank you, Lord, for the ladies who don't love dog dicks. I like them. I like dog dicks. And thank you, Lord, for the ladies who don't love dog dicks. Ashley is condemned to hell from now on. Doggy hell. So she'll have a great time. Yeah, that's a thing. And dear Jewish Lord, the only thing that I can't get behind. Why so bad with the pork? Why?

It's filled with worms. I feel like we're really in his presence. Yahweh. Amen. Amen. Oh, Yahweh. Baruch atah. Where's my rent? Welcome to the Red Dipper, gentlemen.

All right. Well, that's good. That's it. Always start with the anti-Semitic foot forward. That's what we like to do. Okay, Eddie. That's good. We'll end it now, then.

Get a good cut in the top. Just cut it right down in the top. All right. Who is everybody around this table? Jaggies Browsy. I like Jews Oh, Ed Larson Holder McNeely, brought to you by

Bose Headphones, get into the Bose, get into the music Sitting in for Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, we have the equally gay Thomas Dale Absolutely How are you, beautiful man? I'm great I love this little beard that you have going on

It's so cute. Thank you. It's called Laziness and my I'm great, I love this little beard that you have going on Thank you It's called laziness and my poo smells weird I love it It's a whole different look and a vibe I'm going for I got a message from Kevin and he wanted me to say real quick Since we're on him Just tell everyone that they are fat And people don't like that

Alright, well thank you Kevin Speaking of fat Ashley Brick Roberts, thanks. Thanks for being here. I'm giant. Thanks. Sitting in the chuckle hut. And, of course, the most amazing chuckle hutter of all time, Henry Zebrowski. How are you, buddy?

I love being out and doing the podcast. Okay. Well, Ross Safari. Ross Safari now. Good for the people at home. Good. I'm good for the people at home. Good. I'm good for the radio. Yes.

With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, my friend? A porn company is trying to cash in on the Occupy protest with a video that it claims was filmed inside a tent at the Occupy Oakland encampment. Ooh, it's hot. Of course it happened in Oakland. Quote, police can ban the erection of tents at Occupy Wall Street,

but they can't keep us from pitching a tent in our pants. That's the tagline for the gay porn film Occupy My Throat. The Occupy movement is official. I love how the first Occupy porno was gay and it's Occupy Throat.

It's just like, that's the choice they had to go with. It's just Occupy My Throat. I think they could have come up with a better name. Occupy My Throat's the greatest name I've ever heard. It's okay, but I think it could be catchier. How's about Occupy Ball Street? Occupy

Ball Street, actually. Occupy Ball Street. I kind of like, I think it would be better if they took out the word my, and it was just Occupy Throat. Yeah. Occupy Throat. So wait, so not only is it a gay porn, but it's an Oakland era, so it's a black gay porn. No, it's not. It's with this redheaded dude, and They're both skinny hipsters.

They're gross and fat and flabby. They're disgusting looking men. I googled it and I wanted to watch it, but not for me. Thomas, do you know about the crazy underground gay black community that hold these special meetings? The Downlows, they call it.

Oh, the Downlows. What do you know about this? Those are good stuffs right there. Yeah. What exactly? You ever been to a down low party? Those are good stuffs.

That's called, they call it thug love. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thug love. I love my boo. Yeah, well, exactly, yeah.

There's a lot of down low. There's also, you know, the white boys that are down low too, but the white boys are a little more resistant than the black boys. The black boys,

they scream in their sleep all the time. Yeah, exactly, yeah. The white boys are at a down low, too. But the white boys are a little more resistant than the black boys. The black boys... They scream in their sleep. Yeah, exactly. The white boys, you have to entice them with more things. Is there the reverse of a whole series of gay men who are on the down low straight? And if so, Ashley, have you ever blown one of those guys? About 50. They're my favorite.

All you have to do is tell me you're gay and you're thinking about becoming straight, and I'll take care of you. I mean, that's not true. I didn't mean that. Don't come to me. Don't take it back. It's true.

You just did it, though. She just said all of that. That was an advertisement for your face. It must be real. Occupy my throat. Those boys are just... There's no such thing as... Because once you get the taste of that dick,

there's no going back. That's what the ladies the taste of that dick, there's no going back. That's what the ladies have told me. Yeah. There's no going back. I would hope not. Especially if you make a porno called Occupy My Throat. You can't exactly run as a straight Republican senator anymore. It's not going to happen.

I wish. And another thing... Forget my past. Forget where my throat's been. There should be one called Occupy Small Street. It's with midgets. Oh, that's fun. It's cute.

And they're just baking muffins. And mice. Occupy Small Street. And mice. Like a ratgets. Oh, that's fun. It's cute. And they're just baking muffins. And mice. And mice. Like a rat tattoo-y, but porno. And occupied Wall Street. Midgets fucking rats. It's just like normal. It's just the

sexier use of it. Occupied Small Street. Then they got a ride home afterwards. On the back of a rat. It's the Chinese gay porn. Oh, my. Alright, so we got anti-Semitism, we got racism against Asians. Quote a film. Are we good?

The production company is called Dirty Boy Video, and they've written an open letter to the bloodied protesters who've become a symbol of the police violence against the movement. You know that guy with the blood coming down and he's crying? They have offered him an opportunity to appear in his

own porn film. What's the production company? It's a handheld camera. No, it's Dirty Boy Video. Yeah, but it's not a lot of lighting going on. They're the distributors. Produced by Penn State. And we've got Pedophile Talk.

Thomas! Thomas! Yeah! Quote, I offer you the opportunity to perform on our website, an opportunity to express yourself and your politics, freely and without censor. Working together, we can create a sexy, fun platform that inspires you, be that with other actors, actresses, or both. Politics, what does sucking a dick mean about your opinions on abortion? Like, what do you get?

Like, how do you know something more about abortion? You're saving abortion from happening. So I guess you're pro-life. Yeah. Pro-life. Blow more. Thanks, Alex. That's a good point.

Pro-life. Swallow. Blow more. Thanks, that's a good point. Pro-life, swallow. There has to be a group of gay people who are extremely pro-life, and they've got to start that ad campaign. It would conflict so many Christians.

God, that would be fucking amazing. If the gay community just completely embraced pro-life, it would throw them out. They wouldn't even know how to deal with it. Pat Ryan wouldn't even cancel the 700 Club. Everything would be done. That is amazing. I would assume they're the most... One group of people that will never have an abortion are gay men. It's not possible.

That would hurt. That would hurt. That it was just a big dump. A man's abortion is just coming into a bucket. Yeah. Exactly. A circle jerk. I've seen that before.

Here's an interesting fact about the man who was bloodied, the one that Dirty Boy video offered the gay porn to. It said that he lost his virginity at Occupy Wall Street. Good for him. And he was the first man to pitch a tent at Zuccotti Park. Really? Interesting. He deserved to get laid.

You sure that wasn't a lesbian? A lot of lesbians. Have you been down there? What they don't mention is that he pitched that tent three months before Occupy Wall Street started. It's called cruising. Cruising.

Planting. Some trolling situation. Is that still a big thing? Cruising? I don't really understand what cruising is. Can you explain it to me? Cruising is... I don't do it because I'm not really...

I mean, I'm not really into the whole gay scene, which is what cruising is. That's big. That's a gay scene thing. That's just men being men. I'm still very confused. I'm still very confused. I'm still very confused. Cruising is like going to spots that are

highly populated with horny other gay men. Or some straight men. Strip clubs. Rest areas. Pizza places. Public bathrooms. Arby's. Just outside your house. Yogurt shop. And they go there and they just suck each other's cocks or fuck or jerk each other off.

There's a place in Penn Station where the homeless down-low fellas go and blow each other roses pizza. Yeah, you brought me there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been there. How did you work that out? Eddie pushed me away every time he went to the bathroom. I was like, well, I'm going to follow you in. You understand how the rules work.

It was actually the first time I ever hung out with Ben. He brings me to this place in the middle of Penn Station, yells at my boss while I'm cleaning up all night, tells my boss that I need to leave early because we've got to go drink. We get there, every bum in there that does all, every gay bum

in that place knows Ben. Ben knows their name, but they have no idea who he is. I don't blow them. I don't occupy their throat. I'm just fascinated by them. Why is it that gay bums is funny? I didn't even realize that.

I thought, I didn't know there were gay bums. Yeah, of course. People are rich. Apparently 10% of them are gay. Get out of here. Bums? They're just not desperate. You just made that up.

I'm just going with the general population statistics. Yeah, which I think is actually higher than that. That's the thing. I mean, you did go out and ask every bum you saw if they were gay or not. I did a straw poll. Hey, I'm Marcus. You gay? You gay? Where the fuck? No. Yes. No.

What are your stances on abortion? You're pro-life? Let's go. You put her in Santa Claus? Hey, you gay? I don't think they're gay. I think they're just trying to keep warm. At some point you get so insane that you know no sexual orientation.

Whatever is in you, you make it come. I need a hot cock. I'm cold. Cock it. I'll tell you what, nothing's warmer than jizz. Exactly. That's why they all have dogs, right? So they fuck the dogs I think so

They have some on the ride home afterwards They don't eat them So what else do they do? The dog is their friend They don't fuck their dogs Henry, they probably fuck the dog They probably fuck the dogs Here's a question

They fuck other bums Can't bring dogs into Rosen's There's just a whole bunch of dogs Chained up outside of Penn Station That's how an ass got the nickname of bum. Here's a question for you guys. You know whenever you're in Antarctica, supposedly you can pee and the pee freezes before it hits the ground? Not true.

Can't be true. It's true. What? That's crazy. Yeah, if it gets cold enough, once the pee hits the air, it freezes. Does it shatter? Does it shatter your dick hole and break off? It'll go right up there.

It's very sci-fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like lighting a... Does it go back in time? What do you call it? So if you cum in that same atmosphere, does the cum freeze before it hits the ground? Oh, man. Let's ask a scientist.

Henry Zebrowski, the scientist. My answer is yes. It's packaged for the astronauts. All right, Google search at what? It's like astronaut ice cream. Why don't you have to pull out the cum-sicle from up inside of your penis then? Can you imagine an ice-icle inside of your penis?

Oh, my God. My theory is, instead of cum and a bunch of sperm, it's just one gigantic, big, single sperm, and you have to kill it. That's where the abominable snowman came from. You have to kill it. It's like, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

And you have to fucking stab it with an ice pick. Alright, so I can't find the freezing point for semen, but the boiling point of semen. Here's a, on Yahoo Answers, the question is, what is the boiling point of semen? Please answer in Fahrenheit. In addition,

if possible, please... We know they're in America. And the asshole's answered in Celsius. Look at this. That's fucking... I mean, that's the problem. Of course you're going to answer in Celsius. It's a European question. There's just not been an American study yet. Here's the problem. Of course you're going to answer in Celsius. It's a European question. There's just not been an American study yet.

Here's the thing. Before semen reaches its boiling point, it solidifies. So in reality, semen can never actually boil. But the freezing point of bull semen is less than one degree Celsius. And the same should be true of human semen. Interesting. So are homeless gay people boiling the semen and injecting it like heroin? No, eating it like cheese.

On a spoon? Right? They don't got a medical degree. God, I love the answers on Yahoo Answers. Here's one of them. You cannot boil semen. You can actually eat it without cooking it. I do not like it.

can actually eat it without cooking it, I do not like it. Ashley, what are your thoughts on semen? I worked with this guy. My thoughts on semen. I worked with this guy who was 19. He was a drama major. He would use his own semen as night cream.

No, he did not. He's a gay minor then. I'll tell you that much. And he looked very young. He was a teenager, but he also looked young. At 19? Dude, I'm 28. I look like I'm 17. I don't have cum all over my face. And he called it night cream? Yeah.

I just have a feeling he just didn't know how to react to no tissues being around. He's like, I was rubbing on my face. That was the thing, though. The song Night Moves was originally Night Cream, but the record itself made them change. Working on the night cream. What did you think when he told you that? That's a really bizarre thing for a woman to hear.

Well, I was a little turned on. Oh, you liked it. No, I just thought maybe I should try it. You know, I'm 28 years old. I look like I'm 17, and I rub semen over my face every single time. Ooh, I love that. I'm never kissing you on the cheek again.

I'm so gonna use that for tonight. I just rub it on my own balls to make them less wrinkly. And now they're like two perfect eggs. You have a little... It's because they're all swollen from rubbing. I'm sick. Did he ever do it in front of you?

No, he never put semen on his face in front of me. Thank God. But I did consider for a moment, okay, this is, you know, I mean, we're all going to go put semen on our face. I really am. We're all going to do that. That's all going to happen.

Only stuff I purchased from a doctor. Semen, medical semen. Can I get a prescription for medical semen, please? That's not going to happen. All these stuff I purchased from a doctor. Semen. Medical semen. Can I get a prescription for medical semen, please? I know of magazines where you can buy bull and cow semen by the gallon. Yeah, but it's for incinamate. Yeah, but that's...

All the fucking subscriptions you get from being from Texas. Yeah, exactly. It's called Texas Ag and Cattle. They have these big ads for pig semen and bull semen. And it shows you the pedigrees of them. And if you buy the semen

and you put it in your cow, then you'll have great cattle. It's called Cum and Gun Monthly. Cum and Gun Monthly. You put a gun up to the cow's head and make sure it comes. Ah, come and ammo. Come and ammo.

And there's a picture of Sarah Palin with a load on her face and a fucking machine gun. That's hot. Now this is something I want to get into. I will occupy her throat.

But anyway, so Ashley, you break up with the fella or do you stay with him? Is he gay now? We're married. We have a couple children. No, he was 19. He was a drama major.

So I was just like, oh. It's not normal no matter what. He's a baby. Babies couldn't see me on their face, you know? Yeah. Babies having babies on their face. Little tiny babies. The next MTV show. It's so gross.

Tell you what, if I wake up with a baby on my face I call that a Tuesday I call it a Tuesday Eddie, do you ever cum on your beard? Eddie, do you ever get jizz on your beard? Not male jizz Female jizz Yeah, a little bit

I want to experience that one day You gotta get a beard And you also gotta see jizz Yeah, you have to make them happy. We totally have to change the topic because I'm getting aroused. I can see it keeps hitting the bottom of the table. It's violent. Oh my god.

Hot hair. Change my stance to pro-life. Let's get it on, Thomas. Straight boys is my thing and this is driving me wild. The old round table boner. It's usually Eddie that gets it. Actually, I think it's usually Jackie that

gets it. Oh, yeah. Hard and calm. Marcus, what stories you got, buddy? On Saturday, Fernando Brasier married longtime friends. His ass says Brasier. Hold on. What's his wife's name? Panty? Panty Panty

Well that was a hit What else you got Marcus? What else you got? News story. So, Fernando Brasier married his longtime girlfriend, Trudy and Hay. What the fuck? This is a local story, by the way. This is a New York City story.

The next morning, he walked out of their hotel and threw himself into the Harlem River, where he was found dead that afternoon. Harlem has a river? Yeah, Harlem River. It's just called Dead Bodies in the Harlem River Fish. You get in the river, fish. You ain't supposed to be on the land. This poor son of a bitch He's an honest man though The wife found a note from him at the front desk Along with his wedding ring

He said in the note He couldn't take it anymore I cannot live with this anymore I know I've been telling you that my last name's Johnson You're now a brassiere That makes two brassieres I have to die What can he take? I'm telling you that my last name's Johnson. You're now a brassiere. That makes two brassieres. I have to die. What can he take? I'm lost.

He doesn't love this woman. He said that he would... This is from his sister. Quote, he would tell me that Trudy is a good person, but he didn't want to marry her. He was feeling like he was pressured. It says, but he wanted his kids raised in one home, unlike the upbringing he experienced.

Which was in two homes. It was suicidal. You just married her. Don't marry her. It felt like it did years. They already had a couple of kids together, you know? Did they? Yeah, they had two young daughters.

They'd been together since they were teenagers. They were 28 and 26. They were not sluts. His brother quotes him as saying, certain things you have to do. Yeah, it's sad. If you're saying certain things you have to do the day before your wedding, that's devastating.

They should have just broken up. It's a really tragic story. I mean, a kid with two homes. That's two homes. You've got two Christmases. This is not tragic. Thomas, continue this line. That's two homes. Yeah, you got two Christmases. Better than a dead dad. This is not tragic. Yeah, absolutely. Wait, Thomas, continue this line.

This is not tragic. Tragic is a school bus of children being flipped over upside down and decapitated. That's tragic. That's tragic. No, because it doesn't happen as God's will. A religious idiot, because he's probably very religious. This is what this is. Religion does this to people.

Throws them in the river. Mayor. We don't know. Amen, brother. Yeah. Religion does this. people. Throws them in the river. Mayor McConnell. We don't know. Amen, brother. Religion does this. Okay, yeah. This is a religious fanatic. I can relate more to this guy

than I can a whole series of beheaded Utes on a school bus. But that's tragic. You jumping into a river. No, that's an accident. What? This is tragic.

The school kid's getting, you know, beheaded. That's an accident. Yeah, that's what makes it tragic. It's a tragic accident. It's a tragic accident. But I think this is sadder because he's crying. He's like, I love my kids. I can't be with this woman. He's a pussy. Get a divorce.

Well, he just got married one day. Run away! That's what my father did. But you're the evidence of why he needed to stay or die. The fact that you know your father's alive irks you every day. What he should have done is taken a potion and made it look like he had died, but really

he was asleep. Like Jesus. She killed herself, and then he woke up. Like Jesus. Like what? Like Jesus. Like Gnomeo and Julia. I love it. I'm reading this story off the New York Post. And here's what they say.

Police sources said Brazier's note told Hay that he could be found at the... I can see a big grand old broad just talking to the cops. Here's the New York Post detail. Brazier's note told me... Mr. Brazier, Mr. Brazier, we've got your fresh lace. It's all been delivered to your offices.

Here are the offices of Brazier. Panty and Garthabel. It's fucking dead schmuck. It said that the notes so that he could be found at the bottom of the river not far from a Pathmark supermarket. Thank you, New York Post, for putting Pathmark on the map.

Good to know. Pathmark paid them money to put them in a certain amount of articles. Oh yeah, I gotta go to Pathmark on the map. Good to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay with... Pathmark paid them money to put them in a certain amount of articles. Oh yeah, I gotta go to Pathmark. Jackie, if you got murdered and a man... If you got married and a man murdered himself immediately afterwards, how does that feel?

I mean, it's a really big rejection. You're free, man. You're fucking free. Yeah, you got all the presents, and then on top of it, everyone feels bad for you for the rest of your life. It's a good point. Do you have to return the presents? No. You keep them.

What you should do is just return all of them and get the cash go to Aruba for a couple weeks. Yeah, get rid of those kids. Get rid of the kids. Get rid of the kids. He loved the kids. Can I say something?

I think that we should keep our eye on Ben here because he's really relating to the story. You see how he used the word, how he murdered himself? I feel bad for this guy. He killed himself. He murdered himself. He pussied out. Murder is something that someone else does to you.

I would sacrifice a group of school kids any day if that man would still be alive in that terrible relationship. We've got to keep him away from the river. Ben, how much money does Thomas need to pay you so that he can suck your dick? Yes, exactly. Eight dollars. Because I've already offered him.

I don't care anymore. I've already offered him. He just asked a pint. Well, I can suck his cock. No, I actually had a gay dream the other night. Turns out I loved it. If I was not in that fucking room. Terrible.

I do love it. What was the dream? Would you expound? Was it Occupy My Throat? Was it your father again? No, it wasn't my father again. It was just a fellow wanting to really suck my dick, and I said, you know what?

That's fine. We're in a nice pizza place. Let's go to the bathroom. And it turns out it was actually real. Roses, yeah. Took the C train home, and the L train wasn't running, so I took a cab. So that was pretty much it.

Either way, I feel good. Are you just talking about when I found you yesterday on your couch watching that movie Happy Accidents? Yeah, man, really into romantic comedies right now. Either way, not enough dick sucking. You are just a sad sack. What are you doing? I'm not, man. It way, none of them dick suck. You are just a sad sack. What are you doing? I'm not, man.

It's very cute on him, though. This is adorable. You're like Eeyore. In that Walmart sweater. Yeah, I love it. What the fuck, Ed? Walmart sweater? It's a polo.

It's a fine fucking sweatshirt. Walmart fucking sweater. Go to that pepper spray story. I can't. My clothing's getting ridiculed over here. Ben knows the lineup. All right. A woman at a Los Angeles area Walmart

sprayed her fellow customers several times on Black Friday. With dozens of sweaters. In what police deemed an act of competitive shopping. Oh my god. One police lieutenant said she was trying to use it to gain an upper hand.

20 people suffered minor injuries and police are still looking for the sprayer at the time that this story was released. But the woman who sprayed Walmart shoppers over what has come to be known as an Xbox purchase yesterday turned herself in and but refused to discuss the details. You know, she's the only true American. Yeah, man, she did it.

She did it to win it. She's a fucking champion. She got her Xbox. Yes. She put her on the box for fat. She didn't get it? No, she didn't get that. Of course not. champion. She got her Xbox. Did she put her on the Wii Xbox for fat evil bitches? No, she didn't get that. Of course not. You can't pepper spray people and then hide, get the Xbox,

go to the checkout. Did she just grab it and run? She did the pepper spray and she slowly backed away? No, she just got the pepper spray, realized what she did and then ran her ass off. You gotta grab a game for your kids. You gotta at least grab Big Buck Hunter your kids. You gotta do something.

You gotta grab Big Buck Hunter. Something. Like a candy bar. It's on sale. Crazy shit happens at Walmart. Did you guys ever hang out at Walmart? Yeah. I sold.

That was the best. Mine had Mortal Kombat 2, so we played all the time. I'm fancy pants over here. Mortal Kombat 2. The first time I got high, I went to a Walmart and just played with the Hulk gloves.

Hulk smash! Hulk smash! Hulk smash! Hulk smash! What I find crazy is I had a good friend of mine, Mike Pendle. I was 19, he was 18. We got hammered.

Hammered beyond hammered. Drove drunk to Walmart in Tallahassee at 4 in the morning. Whoa, I don't believe it. Don't lie yet. I can't see that happening. We bought a gun. We bought a rifle. Hammered. Visibly hammered at 4 in the morning at a Walmart.

We bought a.22 rifle. Dude, that's an assassination rifle. Especially in T Hasee. They would give you anything. It doesn't matter what state you're in. They would just give you absolutely anything. Oh, my God.

I've blown away. I grew up in Long Island. I am scared. Really worried about our future. Did you shoot anything? Did you go shoot anything? We shot at birds. Lord knows if we hit any.

Probably at planes as well. It was at a pet shop. We just bought the gun and went straight to the pet section at Walmart. There was a great bunch of guinea pigs. Why don't you just throw them up in the air? Give me your eggs. Don't you lie to me, guinea pig. Just put the guinea pig in the skeet shooting machine.

There was another Black Friday incident. 61-year-old shopper Walter Vance collapsed while shopping at a Target in South Charleston, West Virginia, and lay there while shoppers ignored him. It's like a Michael Jackson concert. An ER nurse eventually noticed him, and he was rushed to the hospital after other people just merely either ignored him or literally stepped over his body to get to other sale lines.

He wasn't aggressive enough. I will say, I'm happy we don't... If we had a Walmart, I would have bought a gun last night, but I nearly brought home a stray cat. Wow. I was very lonely. What do you think about that, Holden? I'm happy we don't... If we had a Walmart, I would have bought a gun last night, but I nearly brought home a stray cat. Wow. I was very lonely.

What do you think about that, Holden? I walk by homeless people all the time who I think are... Oh, Mike is in here. We don't know who Mike is. Mike's out back on the patio. There's a lady who just came in the room. He's got a dick in his mouth. Jesus Christ. Got her.

Got her. She's an elderly gal. I mouth. Jesus Christ. Got her. Got her. She's an elderly gal. I think the woman who pepper sprayed up Walmart just showed up. You have to be careful. You never know what these bitches

are packing these days. She could have pepper sprayed all of us and left. Jesus Christ. Yeah, they called me the pepper shopper. Ashley, as you were saying. I was just saying. I just walk by homeless people all the time and I think they're dead.

So this is not that big of a deal, really. But it was inside of a Walmart. Yeah, this is in the middle of a Walmart. Well, that's a little different. I'll tell you what, man. It happens every year, though. Every time I see a homeless person that I think is dead, I take a picture. If it's a man and it might be dead.

There's a whole wall of them. It's a collage of a sleeping homeless man. He calls it his collection. They all have a knife sticking out of their back. What were you going to say, Eddie? I was going to say, any man laying on the street or a Walmart asleep and next to dead, I'm not going to say anything. A woman, maybe.

A child, sure. But a man? I'm not going to say anything. A woman, maybe. A child, sure. I just figured they're probably drunk. I saw this. I had a weird moment. I was sitting there. It was late at night. It was like four in the morning. I was on the train. It was really wasted. I saw this girl sitting across from me who was dressed to the nines

and just drunk and passed out. Slid all over the place. I walked up to a girl next to her, this other girl sitting at the bench across from her, and I went, I was like, hey, someone should probably wake her up before something like happens, something happens to her. And like she like looked at me for a second, she was like,

fuck that bitch. Oh! Man, seriously? I literally was just like, whoa! Oh my god. Because I'm not going to wake her up because then she's going to think I'm raping her. Although, how creepy is it if a man

came up to me and I was that girl and he's like, you better wake her up or something's going to happen. I mean, that's the thing. I don't think that she was so much cursing that woman as just being like, you should fuck her. Like, fuck that bitch. She's not actually sleeping. This is fuck that bitch, dude. Fuck that bitch. That's a free bitch.

She's not actually sleeping. This is just how she gets men. Free bitches. Free bitches. Oh, yeah. That's a Black Friday sound right there. Free bitches.

All right, you guys want a Nazi story? Yeah. Absolutely. All right, a two-mile stretch of a rural road in Delaware has been adopted by a neo-Nazi group. Two miles? Two miles.

To adopt a highway signs list, Freedom Party, as the name of the adopting group, but its full name is the National Socialist Freedom Movement Nazi Party. That is, by the way, which is redundant because National Socialist means Nazi. Isn't it just called the Republican Party? I feel like they could have gotten to the point quicker. And by the way, the shortened version of the name is NSFM 88 Nazi Party. Jesus Christ. That sounds like a Latin gang.

Sounds like something you stamp on good beef. Is he going to say this part of the highway is adopted by the Nazi party on a sign on the side of the road? It says it's going to be adopted by the Freedom Party. The Freedom Party! They're trying to do good, Eddie!

They're trying to do good, Eddie! No, Eddie, they're not going to step on you, man. They're trying to do good. You're going to slip back in your Nazism. I'm not going to slip back. When was I in it, man? When you were born? Oh, my God.

Whatever. I do feel warmer. I mean... Jesus Christ. The fucking units in you know they're going to start laying down railroad tracks. Making America better? Making America better? I mean, no, not with the tracks.

Can you imagine being black and driving down that highway, seeing a neo-Nazi cleaning the street, and he stops you, and he's like, I hate you, black dude, but I'm not going to let you drive on a dirty highway. Exactly. We've got to let Nazis do good things. This proves, you know, there's a lot of different sides to people. I didn't play any character because I said Black Dude.

That's good. I was wondering. Wait, they're Jewish. You won't say Black Dude. The name of the Nazi leader? Edward McBride III. Oh, yeah. So what, he's an Irish

Nazi? Yeah, so here's the funny thing. Dr. Boutsy Butts. Here's the funny thing about it is that he applied for it first. They denied it, so he sent his wife to do it, and they were like, oh, yeah,

sure, of course. Oh, to do it, and they were like, oh yeah, sure of course God damn it Sexism Oh yeah I want to tell, if I want to jump off topic, a weird thing happened at work today I want to tell everyone about this, this was so much fun A guy walks into my

job today, I'm gonna I gave him curly fries, he asked for regular fries I mean, this is a funny story. It's weird. He's dressed to the nines like a fucking drug dealer from Serpico with like straightened hair and a Fu Man shoe and a scarf tucked

inside his black leather jacket. Yeah, perfect for a sports bar. And so he walks up, he's like, yo, you the chef? Wow. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the chef, what can I do for you? He's like, where you get your meat from? I was like, oh, we get it from Cisco, you know, big company, whatever. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, how much you spend on your meat?

And I was like, I don't know, it changes every week. How would you like to switch to human meat? I was like, oh, you know, it switches every Wednesday, because I got that shit real cheap. Oh, God. And I was like, oh, you know, it switches every Wednesday because I got that shit real cheap. Oh, God. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean? And he's just like, no, I got some cheap-ass fucking meat.

I was like, what do you mean? It's fucking rat meat fresh fucked by midgets. I was like, listen, man. Salted. Occupied small street. Fucked by midgets. I was like, listen, man. Small streets. Occupied small streets. I was like, what company are you with? And he's like, I'm independent.

Oh, my God. Did you ask him where he got the meat? Where did the meat come from? I don't know. At that point, I gave him the old, get out of here. Don't call us. We'll call you. Just look outside.

It's got this big cart with two dead cows on it. He's like, oh, now I've got to drag these cows more. Oh, and he should have looked into it. Oh, I really wish. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. It was totally illegal meat. Wow.

That's awesome. Just walking from restaurant to restaurant. Whenever I was in college, we were partying at my house once, and we had the back door open. And this meth head just shows up and pulls a couple of packs of pork chops out from under his shirt. He's like, hey, you guys want to buy some pork? We chased him away with a golf club. That's what you do with them. We had door-to-door meat sellers

who would come knock on your door and have a truck full of meat. Yeah, we had that too. That's a real thing. Where do you guys live? That happened to Tallahassee when I was living with Kep and Kep had just gotten his insurance settlement in from his car accident. And we're like, Kep, you've got to buy all these steaks, man.

This guy just showed... He literally just cashed the check and then a guy in a truck, dry-dyes, pulls up and is like, Would you like some steaks? We used to have the Swans Man The Swans Man? Yeah, it was a company called like Swans And they sold frozen pizzas Push-ups, ice cream

What's a push-up? A push-up, you know like a Sherbert push-up They have the Flintstones ones Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Except they were like chocolate and Sherbert And all that They used to have the Flintstones. Flintstones!

Yeah. Hey, they had the Flintstones. How come the Jetsons never got no fucking ice cream? Because they were stupid. Fucking Jetsons looked dumb. Fucking Jetsons. Yeah. Who liked...

No one liked... Sorry, guys. They never knew there was such an adamant reaction. Is this a Jetsons versus Flintstones argument? Yeah, I think so. Apparently. Jetsons pushed the fucking Flipstones down onto the street and raped them. Yeah, man.

I like that. I mean, opposite. Opposite, man. Come on, man. Flintstones. Flintstones raped the Jetsons. Flintstones raped the Jetsons. Oh, man.

I love opposite day. Yeah. I do love opposite day. My shoes are gloves. Yay. Opposite day. Yay. And you're not not retarded but you look retarded It all comes together Occupy small street This is good

This is all it takes And now I think it's time for The lightning round Alright so we go around To ask a question to each person about a member of the roundtable. And so you've got to name who would you pick to go through such an ordeal with. Marcus is going to score based off of his own intuition. Ding dong.

How many points? How many points what? Just name a point number. Seven. That's how good he is. All right. Okay, Thomas, we'll start with you. Who would you nurse back to health? Just name him point number. Seven. That's how good he is. All right. Okay. Thomas, we'll start with you.

Who would you nurse back to health? Oh, my God. Ben? Totally. Absolutely. Thank you, Thomas. Thomas sees a window and he just goes for it. I've been waiting for you to ask me that whole thing.

You can gaze your girls in here. They're going to choose me. Ben, who are you going gonna push off a cliff? Marcus Good, the point man Name the point man Henry, who are you gonna take over a small island with? There are savages on the island

Jackie Mother and sister Let's rape and destroy Jackie, who are you gonna to spray with pepper spray? Ben, of course. But I'm not going to be able to reach all the way up there, so I'm going to climb on top of Ed to get to Ben. Who are you going to be homeless

with, Ed? Ben. Yeah, of course you picked Ben to be homeless with. Ben's already homeless. He's already blowing him in the fucking bathroom. He knows all the guys. I'll get you in some nice parties, Ed. Thanks, man. Ashley, who are you going to buy a Walmart sweater for?

I think Ed Larson. I feel like he would look good in Walmart clothes. Thank you, honey. Thank you so much. It's a perfect buy. The next question, Dad. Are we going to go through rounds?

Oh yeah, that's right. The round is done. The round is done. Thomas, you get a six. Because he needs it. Henry, you get a six. Because it's a good choice. If you're going to settle, you need to go with family.

Family. How are you going to reproduce, though? You're all alone on the island of savages. They love it. They love retards, too. What we do is that we do a physical contest with the savages and the strongest of each sex. We make a baby with them.

What if a monkey's the strongest? Then he fucked the monkey. Welcome to another episode of Fuck the Monkey! Welcome to another episode of Fuck the Monkey. You can't tell secrets, monkey, because you can't speak good English. Not great English. Zabrowski amount. Eddie?

Monkey can't speak English joke on last podcast I know Good stuff Eddie you get a six Alright Because Ben is a pretty good He's a pretty good man to be homeless with

I don't know Absolutely Ashley you get a six Great Great A whole bunch of sixes Great Because

Yeah I mean Eddie you look great in Walmart'd look great in Walmart. I look great in Walmart. You're wearing them right now. Fate of glory. Okay, well, I'd say the reason why you'd look great in Walmart clothes is because I know for a fact that you're wearing a t-shirt that you got for free. Yes.

Yes, absolutely. And, Ben, you get a negative six. Why? Because you're going to push me off a cliff. I'm just saying, the person I would rather see dead out of everybody here is you. I know. I don't know how it happened

but you know what? Negative six. You've got a long ways to go, Ben. You've got a long ways to go. What about me? You've got a six. Everyone got a six. Is it because we saw the Antichrist today?

What? No, we saw a child that was the Antichrist today, and then her mother ordered something at the blue stove, and her change was 666. That's great. I was walking to the bathroom.

It must happen to her everywhere she goes. My lucky number. This is not a lie at all. I'm walking from my dishwashing station, walking over to the back to the bathroom. Your dishwashing station. It is my station. There are many

things going on there. Lots of ins and outs. I have many tools. I wield the sponge and the water. I have two sponges of different sizes. Fucking white man from Texas washing dishes. I've got some steel wool.

And by the way, I'm kicking ass over there. I'm decided I'm going Sam Houston on that motherfucker. But that's neither here nor there. But yeah, I walk and I see this little girl walking down the hallway. And I immediately jump out of my fucking skin and get the heebie-jeebies. I'm like... I was creeped out by her separately at the counter.

When I was like... Did she levitate? Did she levitate her speaking tongue? Like, what did she do? she was staring at me and she was standing on her little pink scooter and she was staring at me and she was twirling her hair she must have been like three though like the look that she had of disgust

looking at me that I was like oh no and she went mom I need a brownie and like looked at her mom and the mom went yes of course oh my god I need a brownie. I looked at her mom and the mom went, Yes, of course. Oh my god.

You should have killed her. And then the change was 666. I even showed Marcus. I'm sitting there washing dishes and Jackie goes, Come here. Fucking come right here. I look and it's like, Change.

$6.66. Oh, my God. I hope she gets beheaded on a school bus. Let's hope so. Next line. That would be a tragedy. Let's do it. All right, okay, you ready?

Thomas, who are you going to defuse a bomb with? Who are you going to choose to help defuse a bomb? It's a tie. Between Ed and Marcus. Oh, all right. Good under pressure. This, I guess, over here is not the reliable... Yeah, you don't think that we...

What, fat fingers? We got fat fingers? I definitely would not... Seeing Zebrowskis are not good under pressure. Well, because Ed, I feel like, if it just came down to it, just take it and just fucking wipe it apart with his bare hands.

I'm a decision maker. And Marcus just is scoring, so there bare hands. I'm a decision maker. And Marcus just is scoring, so there you go. I'm trying to win. He's got those... Oh no, James, you're not scoring! He just eats it like Jim Carrey in The Mask. He's got these thin fingers, Marcus, too.

I would have chose Marcus. Ben, whose dick are you going to suck? Why do I always... It's not going to be you. God knows I can't have cum dripped down my throat at this moment in life Unless it's being filmed at Occupy Oakland Can I suck off Jackie? Yeah absolutely

It's big enough and it sticks out Out of the bottom of my shorts Jackie stop it You gotta stop it Alright Henry who are you going to play Pork the dork with? And I don't know what the game is, but that's what it's called Pork and the Dork is with the Mr. Ed Larson

It's so scary, man Pork chops and nerds Jackie, who are you going to turn into a goat? Who becomes a goat in your eyes? I mean, that's the thing. That's too easy, though. Holden, I guess, because it would be so much easier. It would be more attractive.

The goat parade. The goat parade. Ed, who are you going to go back in time for, seduce their mother, and make them yourself? Whoa, man. Me. Ashley, who are you going to give a pap smear to? I'm going to go with Ben because I think

it's been a while since he had his last one. I need to be cleaned out. The gynecologists hate seeing him. I love it. It's a bumpy ride, but they enjoy the end. Stop being a backstreet driver. All right. This is the lightning round rounds.

Let's tally it up. Let's see who the winner is. Oh, so this is just a two-rounder? I mean, if it's a tie, I have a couple of... All right. If we've got a tiebreaker. All right. So let's start with Thomas.

Thomas, your last round, you got a 4. Because I don't like your pandering. Don't like it in the least bit. So you come out with a 10. What was my original? Oh, you would have gotten a... Let's see here. Probably a 6. No, you would have gotten a ten. What was my original? Oh, you would have gotten a, let's see here. Probably a six.

No, you would have gotten a 5.3. 5.3. Because I saw the pandering coming. You felt it. I saw it coming. I felt it. And then you admitted it. I should have given you a three, but I like it.

Honesty is the best policy. Not when you're being an asshole. All right, Ben, I'm giving you a 5 You know what? Nope, Ben I'm giving you a 7 I have a 1 I didn't want you to end in negative numbers

They're not real None of this is real Why are you saying that? You're going to be the worst bothersome man. Thank you, Marcus. Does anyone know what 7 plus 6 is? 13. Ah, I lost.

Henry, you get a 7 on the last one because you knew. I like it because you knew that Ed would know how to play the game. He played the game before. Jackie, you're coming out with a five on that one. Too easy. Too easy of an answer?

A little bit too easy. Yeah, you gave me that, though. Like, who else would I pick? Exactly. He's a goat. He's a goat man. He's got a goat for a face. His whole face is a goat.

Hey, it's the luck. Yeah, I never noticed it, but it's true. Yeah. It's the luck of the draw, Jackie. I'm sorry. You lost. Uh, Ashley? Yeah?

Yeah. Uh, you came out with two sixes. Okay. So you got a 12. Who wins? Me? Nope. No.

The winner, by.4 points, Ed Larson. I never win anything, but it's done by design. I am the pagan for me. The prodigal son has returned. The prodigal son. All right, well, that's been the round table. 13.4!

Good job, Eddie. Woo! Piggy games! I'll play piggy games! Pork the dork! Pork the dork! I'll fucking... Eddie, you want to give a speech?

I am the winner. I am playing Pork the Dork later tonight with myself in a mirror. So I'm playing with two people, but only one person's there. Is that how it's played? Yeah. That's how you play Pork the Dork? You jack off in the mirror? You take your dick and you put it in a little circle and you stretch it.

Like a piggie tail. Like a little piggie tail. And I also want to congratulate second place winner Henry Zebrowski and third place winner Ashley Brooke Roberts.

Congratulations guys. You guys did a great job. I just like to be in a room of strong competitors. Alright. Can we go home? Yeah, that's it. All right, goodbye.

You've just been kissed! Nice. Yeah, I wrote it for him. Thank you. You've just been kissed! I'm loving it. Is this really over? I thought we were going to do this for the rest of our lives.

What happened? It could go on. As long as there's beer, we could probably sit. We were going to do that 24-hour show. We were. We still need to. That would be awesome.