The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 74: The Whole Banana

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Piranha suicides, Nazis, Russians; it's like the world made the week for us! Plus, we've got comedian Molly Knefel, Sara Benincasa from our very own Sex and Other Human Activities, and Cincinnati Henry Zebrowski coming in to help us celebrate. Jackie has been fisted.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Go. Dear Lord, we thank you for this bountiful Tecate extravaganza.

You're welcome, Molly. Lord, Lord, is that you? Hey, what's up? Hey, how's everybody doing in New York? Hey, New York, what's going on? I love this town, huh? All right, Lord, I got a thing I got to go to.

These subway trains, oh, they're so crowded. I can't talk to you anymore, Lord. Where does the mail go when you put it in the mailbox, huh? Does it go to a little mail factory? That's my time. All right, all right. Bye, Lord. Funny, though.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. I love it, though. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. I love it when the Lord comes to me. Amen? Yeah. Is that it? That's the prayer?

Oh, wow. I thought that the saying bye was going to function as amen. Instead of saying amen, we say goodbye, Lord. No, we say goodbye to God all the time in the middle of prayers. Oh, yeah. God is gone. He is not allowed in this room. I was raised a heathen child.

I don't really know how to pray very well. Oh, you should watch it. That's fine. Listen to the episodes. You'll pick it up. Yeah. I give good prayer. You do good prayer.

Definitely. He gives guided meditations. That's not prayer. That's the thing. I take you through a mind journey. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

To the round table of gentlemen. That's kind of fun. Anyway, who is everybody on this podcast? What? Bill Coleman. To the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Jackie Zabrowski. I've got geese on my shirt.

Honk, honk. Honk, honk. Ed Wilson. Honk. Hold it in your alley. Honk, honk. Honk. God damn it.

Jesus. Come on. This is going to be an odd one. Molly Neffel. Molly Neffel sitting in for Kevin Barnett, everybody. And in the chuckle hut, we have got the very well-breasted Henry Zebrowski. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken.

I'm calm. I'd also like to point out that Sarah Benincasa is here. Thank you. And, yes, Sarah Benincasa is also here looking Jersey and looking very fantastic with a very low-cut shirt. And that is why you are not sitting across. That's what's great, because it was a normal shirt, but you decided...

Her tits broke it. It's weird. How many shirts did you lose at puberty? I feel like you probably lost a whole bundle. They all turned into belly button shirts. Tits take up a lot of fabric. Anyway, Marcus, you wouldn't know. What is the news?

An 18-year-old Bolivian picked a bizarre and gruesome way to commit suicide, police say. The intoxicated teen jumped out of his canoe into a stretch of river infested with piranhas and bled to death after suffering dozens of bites. Rock and roll! Police believe the death

was suicide because the teen was a fisherman who knew the river well and was aware that it was swarming with the flesh-eating fish at this time of year. Because he could talk to piranha. But he could only yell, ah! Ah! Have you guys ever seen the amazing horror film Piranha? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've seen all of them. Like the OG one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Roger, seen all of them. Like the OG one. Yeah. Roger, it's the best. I'm saying if he wasn't a pansy, he would have jumped into an ocean full of sharks. I don't know, man. Shark is one bite. You get little bites.

Yeah, that's a good thing. How many bites? What sea creature would you be destroyed by if you could choose? I would say probably a squid, a large one. I'm going to stay in the cephalopod family and go with octopus. Big octopus. Like the King Kong versus Godzilla octopus. I'd want to be kissed to death by a dolphin.

That would be pretty erotic. I would love an elephant seal, though. Their mouths are so big. I just want to glide down. Oh, yeah, take me. Take me. But, yeah, take me! Take me! But yeah, it just sounds like the seal's just eating your pussy. I was gonna say.

I think that the seal is just fucking you. That's also fine. It's whiskers, man. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Suicide by cum. I want to be murdered by a pseudopod because it has a fake foot and I like liars. We like liars! Liars are the best human beings on the planet. Yes, they are.

I think that this man has committed the greatest suicide of all time, though. You don't have to clean up afterwards. It's a really good suicide. Honestly, the way it would have been better if he just stuck his head in the river and all the prawns just ate all the flesh off his head. Just cuts his face four times. And his last night breathes.

So he has time to wait you know he really wants to feel it and then he brings his little sister out on the canoe with him so right before he dies

he can pop his head back up and go I lost my lips I lost my lips he's gonna be an in living color character piranhas always

make me think of you ever see the toy with Jack Gleeson Richard Pryor when Pryor falls into the water and he comes out covered in piranhas. I remember specifically thinking, why isn't he dead? He should be dead if he were covered in piranhas. And now he is, Jackie.

Good. Piranha death bestowed upon his body. Another thing about the movie Toy is that these days it's going to be very difficult to make a movie about a white man purchasing a black man to play with his child. We definitely can't remake that movie whatsoever. Everybody knows it has to be a Haitian woman, though. Yeah, even then it was probably still very socially inappropriate. A little bit.

Do you think one of the big fish just honked on his dick? I instantly thought of who started talking about his dick. He did have those short shorts on, so I imagine you could see his dick perfectly in the short shorts. So I imagine maybe a piranha was sucking it. Maybe it wasn't that big. Yeah, did they discuss it afterwards? Like, what'd you get? I got a finger.

He's like, oh, I got a ball. It was great. Is that the piranha talk? Yeah, the piranha talk. It didn't bite the dick. It just politely sucked it. Yeah, exactly. It was great. Is that the piranha talk? It didn't bite the dick. It just politely sucked it. Exactly. It was found intact.

His wife was very upset he didn't bring home the dick. Hey, that's a smart piranha. Fill the belly with cum, and then you have the dick later to eat. That's a good point. You also have to cover your teeth. It's a bunch of little meals. Check out this fact about these piranhas. They are red-bellied piranhas, and they can get up to 14 inches long, and they have razor-sharp teeth.

Two feet long piranhas. That's huge, man. But their mouths are tiny. How long do you think it took them to die? I mean, was it a quick situation? I'm sure it took a while. Yeah, well, he died of... He just bled to death after suffering dozens of bites.

See, I'm told though That piranhas aren't naturally attracted to eating humans Unlike common belief They're like beef You can jump into piranha invested waters And nothing will happen to you But if you're bleeding they're going to go after you Oh so you think maybe you gave him a little cut up

He had his period He certainly did by the end of it He was a pussy for committing suicide anyway So he probably had one He was a pussy for Kimmy's suicide anyway, so he probably had one. And a little butt period. Hey Marcus, can you Google butt period for me? Butt ass.

I was busy seeing how fast that a piranha can eat a human being. Check out butt period. Butt period it is. There has to be something with the butt period. Is this a science segment for us?

Urban dictionary. Urban dictionary, butt period. A term used to describe the male counterpart to female bitchiness and impatience during menstruation. Interesting. When men get grouchy or persnickety about certain things, they are said to be on their butt period. I'll tell you what.

Oh, I like that. I like the definition too. It's better. Yeah, the definition on the second one. When you bleed out of your butt because you're mad, angry, or upset. Oh, yeah. Evan O'Connor. My butt period came out. Evan O'Connor had his butt period when khaki dumped him.

Oh, khaki. What did he do, man? How did you piss off Kaki? Kaki just sounds like the name of a retarded woman. Yeah, I knew a girl named Kaki growing up. She was awful. Really? You knew a Kaki? I knew a Kaki.

I thought I'd say you. I just forgot where he lives. Kaki, it's Kaki. Oh, my fucking ass is bleeding. She showed sheep. She spent her entire time around sheep just constantly. It's cocky. Oh, my fucking ass is bleeding. She showed sheep. She spent her entire time around sheep just constantly. That was her thing. It was weird.

She's one of those 4-H Nazis where she thought she was awesome because she got good ribbons and stuff. FFA, yeah. Fuck those bitches. Future Farmers of America. Piece of shit. Farm idiots. Have you guys ever bled out your butthole? Like, have you ever bled out your butthole?

I bleed out of my butthole all the time, man. I'm always finding it in the stool. I've had it. I have bled in my butthole a few times. Because you know, sometimes you eat something sharp, like glass. It just

cuts your asshole on the way out. And the blood is like real fresh. Risk pieces. You know those little soldiers with the guns? Oh, he's chewing on those. They're hard to resist. Grandma said it makes you stronger. Good with a gun.

I love that top hat from the Monopoly game. It is tasty. So, I have a farm question real quick. So, you know... You know how girls ride horses to get off? Can girls ride sheep to get off? Because it's softer. You can put anything between your legs and get off.

Well, it's true. But can you ride a sheep to combination? You can ride a sheep. In fact, at rodeos, there is an event in which they take the little boys who are too young to ride bulls. They put helmets on them and they ride sheep. In fact, at rodeos there is an event in which they take the little boys who are too young to ride bulls they put helmets on them and they ride sheep. You know, I've discovered something. I think people from the south are really stupid.

Yeah. Okay. I think that's a possibility. Jackie, you can definitely get off from riding a sheep, but when I think about what I want touching my vagina when I'm masturbating, it's not like wool. Like fresh wool. It's more like squid tentacles. It's more like a squid tentacle.

It's a nice merino. I think it's like J.Crew merino wool. Like a soft wool. Sure, but have you ever seen a sheep? They've got fucking burrs in their wool. Yeah, sheep are horrible. Angel question, Molly. If you could fuck an animal, what animal are you fucking?

Thank God, no. Are we talking about Humping an animal Or actually intercourse Ed Larson is on the table Same animal I'd get killed by in the sea A squid Probably a squid I mean I feel like

I want to go No I want to say I want to say Closest to a human being And say like a Like a gorilla A bonobo You're racist You're racist closest to a human being and say like a gorilla. A bonobo!

You're racist! You're racist! It is very bad to be racist against the race of the person you're filling in for. I didn't say the closest to a black person. Whoa! My mind didn't even go there, Molly.

Are you supposed to be the liberal here? Evolutionarily speaking, My mind didn't even go there, Molly. Are you supposed to be the liberal here? That's the racist alarm. Evolutionarily speaking, human beings are the closest to bonobos and chimpanzees. Have you ever seen their hands? They're human hands. They can finger the shit. I don't care.

You know what that is? You could have chosen a chimp or a bonobo, but you said gorilla. I corrected myself and said bonobo. That's why every... That is just... That is a soundbite, my friends. We're going to cut that down, put it in every comment of every article and podcast you put up.

No more Daily Kos for you. Your guys is inherent racism. That will not be included in the soundbite. We had to make some cuts. You will be given no chances to defend yourself, and anything you say will be denied. And expounded upon. That's right.

I don't even know what you guys are talking about. Roundtable of gentlemen, ruining political careers since 2011. Including our own. Oh yeah, absolutely. I'll never be a feminist blogger again. What about a sloth, though? Have you seen the claws on those things?

Too slow. Well, they're slow, but imagine the claws if they slowly inserted themselves inside of you. And then you just put on the song, Sometimes when we touch, honesty is too much. And then the slowness is very appropriate. I'm covered in algae and everything is mine. I want to get fingered by a slow loris to everything I do, I do it for you. Everything I do.

Except slow lorises have those tiny little hands. Do you like me? They fit the whole hand up inside of you Then you can say you were fisted Isn't that what you're always Begging to be able to say That's something that I aspire To be able to say one day Is that I've been fisted by a primate

I thought you were going to say Black Panther That would be a pretty great group of people We've got capuchins, we've got spider monkeys There are all sorts of primates What's a capuchin? A capuchin is a tiny little monkey that's adorable with big eyes. The AIDS giver, the killer. Yeah, it gives you AIDS.

It makes little coffees. Tiny espresso drinks. We have a really important question about fingering. Now, for the girls in the room, I would like to know how many fingers you've ever had inside of you. And for the boys in the room, how many fingers have you ever put inside of a lady person? Seven. Four. Seven?

Four. I think four. Four, yeah. Four. Jackie's very quiet in the corner. Jackie's had like... I mean, I've had the full banana. But it wasn't fun.

The way we thought it was going to be. What's the full banana? You know, all the way up to the wrist. Jackie. It was the one with all the rings. Oh my God, you're like a Muppet. You are a Muppet. And Henry, a follow-up.

I tried to be quiet. I tried not to say it. That's fine. Henry Zabrowski, you're sitting here in the round table. You just found out your sister got fisted by a guy with rings. How do you feel? I quit comedy. He took off the rings.

Oh, that was nice. Thank God. Ladies and gentlemen. Good thing I didn't leave him outside that much. Let's move on. All right, let's go to some Nazi news. Marcus, what's going on with the good people? Let's lighten up the room.

Oh, shit, I was puked. That was so funny. German. In the Nazi news, German police. The whole banana. Jesus. The whole banana. God. I don't know. Let's go to Russia banana. Jesus. The whole banana. God.

I don't know. Let's go to Russia first. All right. Fair enough. Russia is now, mile for mile, the deadliest place in the world to fly. Nine fatal... I didn't think you were going to say fly. Mile for mile.

Russia's so fucking big. Nine fatal crashes, including one that killed an entire professional hockey team, have claimed a total of 140 lives over the last year alone. Oh my god. While the eight of the crashes involved old Soviet-era aircraft, experts say the real

problem in the former aerospace superpower is the sloppiness, risk-taking, and ineffective regulation more commonly associated with aviation basket cases like the Congo. They're comparing it to Africa. It's because they've got Drago doing all of their fucking work. It says crash investigators have found large numbers of safety violations including drunk flight crews.

Of course. Naturally. And forged documents. Super drunk. It happened like last year, right? There was people complaining during a flight because the pilot was talking on the intercom and everyone was like,

this pilot is obviously drunk. He was slurring. Russian? Yeah, Russian pilot. And was getting all, hello from the flood deck. Oh my God, Jesus Christ, mother Can you imagine?

It's a good way to commit suicide I think the best way to cut down these airplane crash deaths Is to just stop fucking flying to Russia Stop flying to Russia Don't go there anymore It's bad there You gotta train it, absolutely I would love to see Stalin's grave though

You can see a picture of it They still have all of the You can see a picture of him. They still have all of the old sculptures of him in that one Stalin park. They call it Lenin Park, but it's all sculptures of Stalin. I went to a park. It was just like an abandoned lot somewhere in Central Europe when I was studying abroad in Prague. And it was where they dropped off, not the Russian ones, but where they dropped off all the creepy statues from all the other formerly Soviet countries.

And you just walked around this kind of big field, this kind of bombed out looking field, and looked at all these terrifying statues of Stalin. I wish I lost my virginity in that. To one of those statues. To one of those sculptures. And it pans over to Joseph Sullen's

faces and he just winks. He did a little circle out and closed it. That's what he always wanted, man. You're the one on my honeymoon. I thought you were going to Skull Island. Yeah, man. There first, it's going to be a tour.

Yeah, and it's going to go fuck a statue. Your wife's going to be a dead woman. Yeah, right after she's taken by King Kong. That's the thing. Molly. Interesting. A lot of love in the air. Did you propose? I guess so. Molly, what's your answer?

She's so sweet. Even when you're proposing weird bestiality, it's very charming. It is. Thank you. Is that a yes? It's a yes. She's gonna think about it. The first round table marriage! Alright,

marriage is fucking hard. You gotta get your boots on. You gotta work through a whole lifetime together. It's difficult. You hate his books. He hates your movies. We have the round table to be our weekly marriage counselors, I assume. work through a whole lifetime together. It's difficult. You hate his books. He hates your movies. It's that kind of thing. Well, we have the roundtable to be our weekly marriage counselors, I assume. You guys are going to be together for

a couple of hours. You guys are going to do it. It's slightly trashier than Randy Savage marrying Miss Elizabeth. It's pretty fun, though. It was, and this wedding is going to be gorgeous. Your kids would probably be really attractive people. They'd be very fair-skinned. Very much so.

They'd have nice eyes, you guys. They would have to live on the ground. They would. They'd probably be like half-ape, half-mutant people, as you both are one of each. They would have no butts, that's for sure. What are you talking about? What's that? Have you seen my ass?

It's huge. I've got an ass. You don't have a huge ass? Oh, it's very nice. I don't think you have a huge ass. Both of them have very nice heinies. Marcus, you're not allowed to say your own ass is nice. Someone else has to tell you that.

Well, I've been told by many people. Marcus has a good ass. Yeah, he's got a fucking good ass. We were talking about it the other day. Yeah. I mean, if you get enough reviews. Who was? I wasn't in this conversation.

No. I don't know. No, it was just me and Marcus. You have a great ass, but it's not fat. It's not fat, no, it's very toned. It's well-shapen. I'm sorry, hold on. Will we say Marcus has the best ass in the room right now?

I don't know, Molly said that she has an amazing ass. Molly does have a great ass. Let's have an ass-off! I actually heard that I've got a fun butt. It's a fun butt, but it's not a great ass. Let's have an ass off. I've got a fun butt. It's a fun butt, but it's not a good ass. That's because you can do all kinds of weird pudding games with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a party butt. There's such an important distinction between great ass and fun butt. I've got a fun butt. You have a cute tushy. Yeah, I like that. I've got a front tushy and a back tushy. You're just one big tushy. Okay, I like that. I got a front tushy and a back tushy. You're just one big tushy.

Okay, now we're going to go to Nazis. Please, God, can we get something nice in here? I can't talk about my friend's male asses. All right, German police have raided the homes of six former SS soldiers suspected of taking part in the worst massacre of civilians in Nazi-occupied France. A German crimes prosecutor... The best massacre. The best one.

A German war crimes prosecutor says the John Dimjongjuk trial inspired him to reopen the investigation to the massacre of 642 men, women, and children in the village of Le Dessacron. Four days... I love that place. Le Dessacron. Four days after the D-Day landings, German troops herded the village's women and children into a barn, which was then set ablaze. The town's men were shot in barns and garages.

This is horrible. What's a garage? Yeah. Garage. Oh, interesting. I like saying garage. Why? Because you like pretending to be British.

Garage. Garage. My car hole. I'm sorry. Why does everyone go to the barn? If there's 634 of you, doesn't one person just be like, hey, we're not going to go to the barn and just go anywhere else?

It's the SS, man. I feel like you just take a bullet to the head and never go to the barn. Whenever a German tells you to go somewhere, don't go there. They're surprisingly convincing they're not going to kill you. What they need is just one fucking magneto

from a goddamn movie. The X-Men. When he went, he was a British Jew. He was a Jew. And he went in there and he uses metal magic. And he saved the Jews from the Nazis. And that's what it takes to save people from the Nazis. That's why he was traumatized and embittered, you see.

Because it was a very harsh thing to have to experience. Absolutely. Magneto had a very awful childhood. Is it Magneto or Magneto? You're saying them two different ways right now. I normally... Magneto! Magneto is more

of the Italian pronunciation and Magneto is more of the douchebag pronunciation. He puts the neats in Magneto. That's the thing. Magn pronunciation. He puts the neats in Magneto. That's the thing. Magneto, eh. Magneto.

We go to the beach. Anyway, so these people are getting arrested. I can't hear any more bad accents. If I hear one more bad accent today, I'm going to shoot myself in the face. Can you do Italian for us right now, Ben? Eh! Do you want some food to eat? You're bad.

You're bad at it. That is the same as your Chinese accent. You wanna have lunch? That's a good one. I was about to eat food with you. I thought it was just you being funny. I didn't know it was actually a Chinese accent. Oh, it's a Korean accent. It's a young boy. Hey, you wanna have lunch? Bye!

It's good. You know, he only sells one thing, but I like this story. All right, so these Nazis, they're arresting these guys now? Yeah, these guys, they were low-ranking SS soldiers. They were about 18 or 19 at the time.

Prosecutors say two of them denied taking part in the massacre, and the other four claim to be too sick to answer questions. And health officials will examine the men to determine whether they are fit for interrogation. What's the point? They are dead. Put a bullet in their fucking heads.

Put them in a fucking barn and set the barn on fire. Exactly, that's the answer. The boo box. Yeah, the boo box. Boo! Boo box! Boo Box. Yeah, the Boo Box. Boo Box. Boo Box. Just make that very end of their lives like a complete and utter hell on earth.

So scary, the Boo Box. That gave John Neffel terrible nightmares as a child. Fun fact. It was excessive, too. Do you remember that? During the Iraq War, during the big terror stuff, the torture stuff. Guantanamo Bay. They literally put a scorpion in a boo box

with one of the fellas. Sometimes I like to put a scorpion in a pie. Yeah. Put a terrorist in that pie. You guys just love a boo box. Yeah. I fucking hate scorpions so much. Why?

My Achilles heel. Man, because they look like the Earth version of a demon. They're like demonic. They look like a creature from hell. When have you ever been in contact? I'm a scorpion. Stop it, please. I'm sorry.

I stole the money. Give me to confess. Throw a scorpion at me, especially if it can talk in a Spanish accent. How do you feel about Scorpios? Ah, Scorpios. What is that? Astrological side.

Astrological side. Emotional and insane. I'm pretty sure she'll kill me if I'm wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure I'm dating a Scorpio. Uh-oh. You better be right. She loves doing those things. And she, yeah, she has a tail with a stinger on it.

And it makes it a rough ass. Like, if we were to judge her ass, we'd have to throw any points at the tail. Scorpios have sex a lot? Is that the thing? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. I am.

I know what else is. Really? Oh, no, I'm not a Scorpio. Why did you raise Scorpio? Oh, you're dating a Scorpio. Why did you raise your hand? Oh, you're dating a Scorpio. You know, I dated a Scorpio for like three years. Did she like to have sex a lot, Marcus? Accurate. Very accurate.

She did, and of course, Henry, you're well-laid. Also, I think it makes sense that you're dating a Scorpio and our mother is a Scorpio. I like to just make them sort of interchangeable. Okay. One or the other. You just get used to the type of lady. And what I like about Scorpios is it's like

the hip-hop version of a Scorpion. So that's always nice. Scorpio! Motherfucker! Being birthed and shit in the month and all that. I don't know. I have no idea.

I just want to talk about these Nazis, but no one else wants to. Well, let's switch it over to California. A Sacramento prison psychologist faked her own rape in the hope her husband would move them to a safer neighborhood. It's a fake rape. She didn't fake it at work, did she? No, she didn't. Laurie Ann Martinez. I mean, what other place to fake a rape? She works in a Laurie Ann Martinez... I mean, what a good place to fake a rape.

She works in a prison. Yeah, I mean, that'd be great. But no, they wanted to move to a safer neighborhood. If she was raped in prison... She works in a prison! They would've just gotten... She was like,

I'll get a better job. She wanted to be raped at home so they would go to a better neighborhood. Plus, I mean, it gives her that shitty nickname of fake rape. Yeah.

So, you know, and she has to deal with that with all the prisoners. There's just so many other ways to make your husband think that we shouldn't live in this neighborhood anymore. Yeah. So, you know, and she has to deal with that with all the prisoners. There's just so many other ways to make your husband think that we shouldn't live in this neighborhood anymore. Yeah, just tell him you're moving, and he's gonna be like, okay, I guess we're gonna

move. Yeah, here's what she did. Lori Ann Martinez allegedly cut her lip with a pen, had a friend punch her with boxing gloves, and peed her pants to make the attack seem real. Lucky friend. He should have just fucked another guy. Hard sex

with a different guy and then say you're raped. That's fun. Put him in jail. Then she can hang out with him all day long. Alright, now, Eddie, this is very important. Give us a mugshot description of this beast. She's got fat face. She's got those Mexican jowls, you know.

Jowlitos? Jowlitos! fat face. She's got those Mexican jowls, you know? I know. Jaulitos? Jaulitos! She's very stern. You can tell she's strict. She's a prison guard. She's a police prison psychologist. She's a prison psychologist? That's sexy.

She needs to get fired! She's a psychologist and she's faking rape? Ladies and gentlemen, gaze upon the face of Laurie Ann Mathias. Oh, yeah, she's more attractive than I thought she was. She's not! What? She's a horrible piece of a woman. She's got the same face shape as the woman with the face transplant.

I was just gonna say that. Yeah, yeah, the chimp woman. She looks like there's a president inside her head. It's a decoder ring. It's all in those almost cross-eyed eyes that I'm getting lost in. It's all that creepy. Almost cross-eyed, yeah.

The left side of her face is fatter than the right side. She's almost dumb enough to be cross-eyed. Almost. She also, you know, she just got fake raped, so give her a break for Christ's sake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would peeing yourself show that you're... Does she not understand how

sex works? I bet this all started because she peed herself. I know how I'll get sex. Can you come over and bring your boxing gloves? Bring your boxing gloves. Don't ask why. It's ask why. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing.

Don't tell Trudy. Don't tell Trudy about it. I took a pee-pee pill accidentally. Also the fact that she wasn't fucking woman enough to get just punched in the face. Yeah. Get punched in the face. If you're going to go through all this shit with boxing gloves on, that's bullshit. Get punched in the face like a real woman.

Get real raped like a real woman. Get fisted. Get the whole banana. Just go get the full banana. It is funny, yeah. It's like those, you guys remember those things, sock-em-boppers? Yeah. Couldn't hurt anybody with those things.

No, they hurt like hell. They hurt like hell. Yeah, anybody who's ever had an older brother got punched in the face with a sock and bopper, it's like getting punched in the face with a fist. Yeah, but pretend like you're not beating the shit out of John every night. You're bigger than your older brother. They had plastic lining that stuck out so the plastic would cut your face.

Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. You'd get cut. You'd get cut. And sometimes it wouldn't be deflated all the way. Yeah. Inflated all the way and then you'd just punch people. It's just a fist covered in vinyl. Yeah. I miss the fuck

out of that shit. I love it. And also, I had a Batman upright, what was that, kind of like the punching bag or whatever.

Oh yeah, that was great. I just punched the shit out of Batman. I remember my mom had a first marriage and for some reason, this weird thing, he showed up

for one Christmas party when I was really young like six or seven And he brought that one of those things to me brought me gave me a present as a giant clown punching bag It's like that is me. Yeah, I am already yet, and he like gave it to me He's like well there you go. You know It's a toy for you, and I just like looked at him and and I broke it. I deflated it in front of him But you brought you deserve so fucking hard for. He's the wormiest piece of shit in the world. How old were you?

I was like seven. Awesome. Starting the Zebrowski rage early, my boy. Zebrowski fun. I don't know. I like it. Is everyone afraid of us? So do we want to stay Is everyone afraid of us? We had a time growing up. We had a time.

So do we want to stay on the subject of rape? I mean, yeah. I always like rape. Purely, yes. It's fine. Of course. Well, we're going to combine right now rape, TV, and Occupy Wall Street. Oh.

Oh, no. Wow. Occupy. Occupy Rape Street. Occupy Law and Order SVU That was the agenda of a group of more than 100 Occupy Wall Street protesters Friday As they stormed a set for the TV show

That was staged to look like their own Zuccotti Park Encampment They called it Focotti You're gonna fuck with Mariska Hargitay's work day Fuck you I hope they all burn It was easier for them to occupy that fake camp than it was

for them to occupy an actual public park. Did you go to the Occupy SVU? No, I just read all the tweets about it. I didn't know what was happening. You guys just love the tweets, don't you? Oh yeah. It's a Twitter revolution.

AKA. AKA. Nerd! You got a second soundbite. I'm really happy about this. That will just be followed by nerd in all caps with big exclamation points. Forget I said that. I take it back.

So the SVU thing was having someone who was getting raped at Zuccotti Park. I don't understand why they were upset by it. Okay, there was this is a quote from one of the protesters. We made it so they could not exploit us and that's awesome.

Shut up. You pussy fuck. Oh, shut up. You pussy fuck. Shut the fuck up. Get a fucking real job, you piece of shit. It'll happen. I just heard the audible gas from Molly. I mean, that's the thing. They're just fucking with a bunch of grips, you know.

They're just screaming at people who are making 15 bucks an hour. They're fucking with union people who are working their ass off and not making enough money. For a stupid SBU fucking show. And honestly, they love not filming it. Yeah, they're happy with it. They're like, oh, great. We're going to do this stupid fucking episode that makes no sense? It was just a publicity stunt for the OWS people.

They weren't trying to actually fuck with the actors and the TV producers. They were just like, there's a fake Zuccotti. We got evicted. They got their heads bashed in for being outside in a park. And then they erected a fake public park that was legal to be in public. And then everyone's like, we're just going to go and sit there. And everyone's like, oh, no, if you're an actor, you can be here. But you can't be here if you're a regular person.

It's fucking make-believe. It's the world of make-believe. That's what television is. Don't they understand? That's the thing. I don't know. I'd imagine Occupy Wall Street has a lot of unemployed actors in it. Oh yeah. I wonder.

Fire spinners. Fire spinners mostly live in the south. And Hawaii. That weird hand juggling with clear crystal balls. Oh. Yeah. So I'm here to occupy Wall Street. So David Bowie was there?

I got nowhere else to go. But Molly, you liked it. You liked that they occupied it. Well, I can't. I'm literally surrounded. It doesn't matter. I'm neutral. I'm on your side. Yeah, I can't. I'm literally surrounded. It doesn't matter. I'm neutral. I'm on your side.

We're just goofing. Chaos! Bane! I'm telling you, Molly, this is what I think Wall Street is. I have no opinions. I have no real feelings. I just don't give a shit about anything ever. I just want to get high.

Occupy Wall Street is the funnest thing that's happened in a long time. It is fun. It's fun. I sit back and enjoy that things are happening that are weird. I will say, just because there's tons of people that do it, it doesn't make it smart. You can agree with this, Eddie, on the account that SantaCon just happened on Saturday. Which is, of course, tons of people dressing up like Santas. Oh, man.

SantaCon is a fucking living nightmare, man. It's a horrible... Huge bag break. How was that, Ed? I would like to tell you a story. I did not know that SantaCon was happening. This was Saturday, right? Yeah.

Didn't know it was happening. It's like a rape parade. I was... A rape parade. I was on a date, because I'm a goddamn lady trying to be cool. And all of a sudden, out of the fucking subway come like eight assholes dressed as Santa. And I really got scared. She really wants to see an asshole dressed like Santa.

Because I was like, in this moment, I was just like, am I going to get attacked by Santas? It felt like a very hostile Santa parade. Like you were in the Warriors or something. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. I was like, I was going to get raped in my nice outfit. That's how I felt. By Santa Claus. By seven, you were going to get or something. I mean, that's the thing. I was raped in my nice outfit. That's how I felt. By Santa Claus.

By seven, you were going to get gang raped by Santa Claus. I like that you took your outfit into account. Had you been wearing a poorer outfit, perhaps the one you're wearing right now, you'd be like, oh, you can rape me in this. This is fine. Not a big deal. Not my best clothes. I don't even like these jeans.

Ed, you literally threw a Santa into the street. Yes, yes. These were very unmerry Santa Clauses, weren't they? I worked at the poorhouse yesterday. I forgot that SantaCon was happening, and they fucking took over my restaurant. It was the worst time I ever had in my whole life. All day long, just screaming at fucking Santa Clauses. Just yelling, kicking people out left and right.

Did you just call them Santa Claus? Shut up, Santa! No, I called them fucking asshole and cocksucker. A piece of shit. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking... Yeah, if you said Santa Claus? Like, shut up, Santa! No, I called him fucking asshole and cocksucker! Yeah. Piece of shit! Get the fuck out of here, you fucking... Yeah, if you said Santa Claus, they'd all look up. Wait, is this even worse than the soccer fans? It was...

No, the soccer thing was still the worst thing ever happening, but the Santa Claus shit was horrible. Lying around the block, people dressed like Santa Claus. They're all trying to come in through the back fucking door. I caught two of them fucking in the basement. Oh my God! Isn't that... No, no, I caught them coming, I caught them when they were finishing.

You interrupted a cum shot, perhaps? No, no, no, no. They came all over that fucking basement. I can't wait to eat food there again. I know. Whatever you're doing with this sauce, it is amazing. I'm not supposed to be saying that, but that's fine. They got thrown out.

I threw them out. It's not allowed. I made sure they knew that. but that's fine. They got thrown out. I threw them out. It's not allowed. I made sure they knew that. I'm in the burgers. Just to remind you, Eddie works at Nevada Smiths. Make sure to check that out. I saw one of the Santa Claus's slap a chick in the ass. He did it right in front of me.

You were one of the waitresses. No, I was a customer. He slapped her real hard. He had no idea a waitress. I was a customer. Oh, okay. I just slapped her like real hard. He had no idea who she was. He was a tiny guy. I just like entombed him. I just like wrapped my whole body around him. It's the Russian handshake. Yeah, and I dragged him out. I dragged

him to the door and literally threw him into the street. Oh, she wasn't happy about getting her ass slapped, huh? Oh, I didn't even give her a chance to respond. Oh, yeah. I just took care of her. We went to Kissel to be like, maybe she liked it. I'll tell you. Sam, did you like that? Okay, I'll take care of it.

It's possible. That is really nice of him to do. I mean, I'm getting a lot of grief right now. It's nice to be with guys. There's wood in my brain My brain is made of wood I kicked out so many girls It was ridiculous

Were they dressed like Santa Claus too? Everyone was I got one more quick Santa Claus story A guy who worked across the street from me He told me about He went home after he worked At like 5 o'clock in the morning And this girl walks in He told me about, he went home after he worked at like 5 o'clock in the morning.

And this girl walks in. He whittled a bunch of wood toys for needy children. He was the real Santa Claus. He's at his girlfriend's house. His girlfriend's roommate walks in and she's all white faced and there's no idea what's going on. Completely incoherent at 5.30 in the morning. He's like, where were you? He's like, you okay?

And she's like, oh, it's fine. I just walked home from the bar. I'm gonna go take a shower. She turned around and the back of her Santa suit was fucking brown, stained with blood because someone had smashed a fucking bottle over her head. Oh my God. At work this happened? No, this wasn't at work. This was at home in his girlfriend's apartment. And this is her roommate and she

had no idea and she walked home with a fucking concussion. Like some other Santa Claus fucking bashed a bottle over her head why are you so sick of these fucking made-up holidays for douchebags yeah yeah yeah all this fucking amateur hour it's fucking it's that and saint patrick's day this is what this is what this is what's great about it though so he takes in halloween he takes you to the hospital it's 6 30 in the morning he's in the hospital he said he walked into the waiting room and there was 45 people dressed like Santa Claus. I mean, you are Santa Claus.

Santa Claus is a fun day, though. Why can't these people just drink every day like normal people? Just drink. Until it stops hurting. You don't be nice. Yeah, until things stops hurting. Be nice. Until things stop hurting. Speaking of which, we have a segment from Holden McNeil.

We're doing the newlywed game again. Congratulations, Lady Jejeva. You're here at the newlywed game. We're doing Ed and Jackie versus Ben and Molly. We're going to do the switch off. So we're doing Ed and Jackie versus Ben and Molly. Here you go, Jackie. We're going to do the switch off. We've got pads of paper.

So I'm going to ask the question about their partner. Their partner is going to write down what their true answer is and the other person is going to make a guess. My paper is wet with beer moisture. That's fine. Do you want a beer, though?

I think we're out. No, it's fine. We think we're out. No, it's fine. We got one. Never mind. Pardon. Beer burps. Henry and Sarah, you can help out with the deliberation. With the peanut gallery.

You guys can ask follow-up questions. I'm in charge of the scoring. Yes, absolutely. For Jackie, about Ed. You guys can ask follow-up questions. And I'm in charge of the scoring. Exactly. Yes, absolutely. As always. So for Jackie, about Ed, all right? This is yours, Jackie. If you could take all the weed that Ed has ever smoked, Jackie.

I'm listening. I'm thinking. And fill a room up with it, what would the dimensions of that room be? Oh, wow, that's a math question. Is it like feet by feet? Ed is immediately writing down his answer. No, I'm thinking. I have no idea. This by this by this. I'm just going to write down the word big.

It's a big room. Can I describe what kind of room it is rather than the foot? Yeah, you could say... I don't know the square foot. None of us have any spatial understanding. Okay, how about like a room in a house? You can just describe.

Which room in the house? If I had to pick one room. A conservatory. How big the room would be. The parlor. The drawing room. It's a breakfast nook. Yeah, it's just three numbers.

Can it be outside the house? It's just too many numbers, Sarah. Is it floor to ceiling? Yeah, filling up the entire room. Putting down feet? Just the room. You said floor to ceiling. I think you stumped them, Holden.

This is a really hard question. I got mine. My answer is, you're not going to get it, but I figured out the room that describes it. Okay, great. Jackie? It's not my smoking room. Is it the weed holding room?

Nope, nope. That's right next to the smoking room. Oh, the rest of my life, you and me. It's the lunch room. All right, Jackie. Jackie, you don't have to write your answer down. Only Ed does. I already wrote my answer down.

Okay, that's fine. Do you remember what your answer was? What is your answer down. Only Ed does. I already wrote my answer down. Okay, that's fine. Do you remember what your answer was? What is your answer? Okay. Not saying that Ed would necessarily have one. That's why maybe I'm going with this. Okay. I'm saying a library because there are a lot of shelves on it.

And that it would be filled to the top including all of the shelves. No books. Only weed. And Ed, what is your answer? I said master bathroom. That's a good answer. I thoroughly agree with it. That's exactly where I want to smoke it.

Ben, this one's about Molly. Molly, you'll write your answer down. Ben, you'll make your best guess. Sounds good. If Molly was given $1 million to donate to a charity, which charity would it be? One that I... Wait, wait, wait.

We've got a little time. You can think about it to liberate. Talk amongst yourselves. Something to do with monkeys? The whole banana. The whole banana. She thinks she's Kevin Burnett. She's going to give the whole banana to the monkeys?

Oh, I hope not. That's difficult to do to a monkey. The whole bunch next time. You've got to make that monkey. The whole bunch. The whole bunch. By the way, that's fist and feet. That's the whole bunch.

That's the whole bunch. I think it's going to be Nambla. That's the North American Man-Boy Love Association For people who don't know That was by a priest Of course, because all priests are rapists And Molly, what's your answer? Wait, Ben, what is your answer? Alright, so Molly is

A left-leaning, persuaded Wrongly convinced Individual What Would she donate to? You have the National Organization for Women, but they're already rich as fuck. Occupy Wall Street doesn't necessarily need any more pizza.

Maybe... I am thinking, in all honesty... Goddammit, what's the name of the National Alliance? National Alliance for Reproductive... Right. NARAL? Yeah, NARAL. NARAL? That's what I'm talking about.

NARAL. I would invent my own charity called Adorable Children's International, and it would only be for good-looking children. Yay! God damn it. I got the whole thing wrong. That was awesome. That's the thing.

That's what a proof of, too. I think that's the thing. And the score after the first round, 47 to 66. These guys are in the lead. What the fuck? Yeah, there you go. That means Kissel and Molly are in the lead, right? Yes.

Oh, yeah. Master Bathurst's worth of weed. Master Bathurst. That's why you got a 47. All right, Ed. 47's pretty good. I will say adorable children international would be impossible

for me to get. Yeah. So would master bathroom. Yeah, master bathroom. No, master bathroom's a room in a house. No house you ever been in. No, because I don't own slaves.

You poor bird. You poor. We're getting heated here this day. My father was a truck driver. Real estate jokes. Okay, Ed, this is about Jackie. Yeah. How many people has Jackie made cry?

Oh my God. How many people has Jackie made to cry? Is there a limit of how? How many times they cried? No. How many people? I mean because I made fun of them or because I ruined their lives.

No, I'm talking how many people because you. How is she even going to be able to count this? She's going to take like 20 minutes to think of it. To dig up all these horrible memories. It's an approximate answer. How many people have... How many people did we we doing the last year?

Whoa. Whoa, all right. All right, yeah. Let's do it in the last year. You all should be able to get it within two. You should get it in between two. You get two guests. We should do it...

Oh, no. The price is right. If I go over, I lose. Yes. Okay. But you can't say one dollar. Yeah, yeah. You can't say one dollar.

One cry. One cry. Okay, so... Last year... You don't have to write. Yeah, you can't say one dollar. One cry. One cry. Okay, so... Last year... You don't have to write it, Ed. Just Jackie. Jackie, write your answer down. This group doesn't really know how to play this.

Yeah, Ed is just disregarding your instructions. He's writing it down. He doesn't have to write things down. He's a little scribe. Jackie, what are you thinking? You've said some terrible things to people. Well, I'm really trying to think of who I actually made cry in the last year. I know you made it.

So in the last year, I have, I mean, just as a recap, I would say that I've gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend. There's one right there. So it's like, I don't want to give but like, you know, there's emotions but like, so that is what has happened.

This was before. We didn't say we wanted to talk about it, Jackie. I am also, I'm trying to figure out how many people I made cry. You made Julia and Kep cry. She has your answer. Ed, what do you say, Ed? Five.

Five. Jackie, your answer? Six. That's really close. That's really close. It didn't go over either. It's going to be score count. All right, Molly, this one's about Ben.

All right. How fat was Ben at his fattest? A million pounds. That's not a real human number. Ben, please write down your answer. Ten million pounds. That's so big. To give you some, I drank 36 beers a day and at least four frozen pizzas.

And between all of that, I was eating. He was also working at fast food restaurants as well. Well, no, I had been on fire by all of them. So college was your fattest? My freshman year of college was my fattest. I literally ate myself out of a job at Burger King. So think about that. For frame of reference, can I find out how much he weighs now?

I weigh 262 pounds and counting down. Yeah. And getting slimmer. Okay. Getting slimmer. All right, Ben, write down your answer. You're so tall, Ben. No, I don't answer.

You're just like a big guy, too. Well, yeah, but you've got to write it down because then you can't change it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't do it right. Yeah, you're the one who writes it down and then Molly gets it. So, making fun of the other team and yet... Not doing it right. How the tables have turned. You're being fat, so. All right, Molly. team, and yet... Not doing it right. How the round tables have turned.

All right, Molly. This is actually a question you can get right. He's a fat, fat man. I just went ahead and added exactly 100 pounds to your current weight. So I say 362.2 pounds. That was 380 pounds. Wow! Oh, my God!

Wow. You are looking great. Thanks, Jackie. I've seen those pictures. You looked bad. I was cute. But you look really, really good. Fun butt. Fun butt back then, my brother.

Okay, so this next one, Jackie, is about Ed. The scores from this round? You guys got 7,400. Nice. And you guys got 5,555. Wow. All right.

Good. All right. Catching up. Okay, so Jackie, this is about Ed. And by the way, the second round, there will be a follow-up bonus question to get more points. Okay. All right, so. I just want to get a bucket of beer.

For Ed. Henry, please. For Ed. Can you get a bucket of beer? I'll go get it I'm gonna go get the bucket No you can't You can't get the bucket Alright well

Apparently There's stinky singles outside They're gonna be surrounded by the bar The bar is slammed It's gonna take me 20 minutes To get a bucket Okay Jackie Fucking single pieces of shit

If Ed were to be in one film From the 70s Oh wow What would it be? Oh that's The follow up question This is the easiest question Jackie the follow up question If Ed were to be in one film from the 70s, what would it be? The follow-up question. This is the easiest question. Jackie, the follow-up question, though.

This is where the game changer is. Jackie, is what character would he play in that film? Does the character exist in the movie, or is this one that I've written? No, no. It has to be. I don't know. I don't know. Jackie? Jackie. What? I'm just having a conversation with a brother. Jackie? I don't know I don't know Jackie Jackie

what what do you think can you make up a character or should it be a character that exists in the film it has to be a character

that exists oh man it sucks I got it it's you'll never guess you'll never get the bonus question alright what film is it

why is Henry Henry's writing down a suggestion he's not writing down a suggestion? Because we communicated of there is, he knows exactly who I'm talking about, I just can't think of the name. Oh, wow. Brother, sister, mental

communication. Alright, so Jackie, what's your guess? He didn't write down the name that I asked, but Marlon Brando and Apocalypse Now. All right, that's a good guess. I was thinking Jaws. Ed, what are you going with?

Who was the person? The fish. The badass boat guy. What's his name? Quint, man. Quint. Is that what you wrote down? No. I wrote down Apocalypse Now.

Oh! Damn good! Yeah, yeah. Very good. And I picked the roach. Oh! That guy's so cool I appreciate you Ed Because you didn't go for the

You took what you really wanted I was going for the higher up On what I thought you could actually The Roach is the coolest part in the movie The coolest fucking part This is a question about Molly, Ben. This is probably one of the harder questions I did. I just want to warn you.

If Molly is the first woman president, what's going to be her first order of business? The follow-up question. The bonus is what would be her second order of business. Can Ben get three joke answers out? Yes, he can give several joke answers.

You can get multiple joke answers and see if you got any of them. No, I mean, I like it. Molly's writing down. She's deliberating right now. It's a testament to how long it took to get a female president. That's for sure. Very good. It's going to be at least ten years from now Yeah, at least 10 years from now

I mean, I'm only against it because Then John Neffel is going to be in the White House And God knows There's not like a first brother He'd just always be there It depends on the brother and sister combo If you're a combo Like Zebrowski

We're president together You're both the fucking president and sister combo. If you're a combo, like Zebrowski, if one of us is president, there's going to be a fucking other Zebrowski in it. I think you're forgetting a little man named Billy Carter. And let's think about the Cuban Missile Crisis. True, true. I do every day. And also, Lord knows I'm single, so there wouldn't be a

first man. I'd just be like, John, hang out in the White House so there's a man here. Molly, I can't find the eggs. Molly, I'm the first husband. I'm the first husband, Molly. I can't find my shoes. That's exactly why I'm going to vote for Hillary Clinton,

so she'll be single. Yeah, that's the thing. I like it. All right, here we go. Is this the last question? No, we have two more. Okay. Sarah, as a woman, what would you want a woman to pass through, Sarah Benincasso?

For your first chick president, what do you want her to do? I want her to give abortions to everybody, whether they want them or not. Forced abortions. Okay. Very Bing. Very Putin. All living beings, including plants. Forced abortions.

Baby goats. I would say Molly Neffles' first thing to do... Everybody has to wear Lady Gaga hats. I feel like all the women have to have their breasts reduced so she doesn't feel so inadequate. And the second order of business.

What? What? I'm talking about legislation! I'm not talking about Molly's boobs. What you would do to make yourself feel better. That is awful! You are an awful person!

I'm not gonna do it She's doing it I am in a room full of very beautifully endowed women And I feel a little inadequate It's just that That's in my bra I suck it up from my stomach And I put it into my bra

The only reason she wears a bra is because she has a pussy Because she has the exact same chest as Henry I got our mother's breasts Alright Ben what's the second order of business? Oh, is there another order of business? The follow-up bonus question. Oh, so the first one is mandatory breast reductions and

the second one is I would say mandatory men have to completely change who they are and become total pussy fucking douchebag dickheads. You're bad at the newlywed game. You're bad at trying to win this game.

I am trying! You're proving to the newlywed game that you will never be married. I love Molly. Oh, Molly. What is... You're doing a real bad job at loving. Why? This is like the second declaration of love to Molly on the phone.

This is so simple, Ben. Can I get my answer? Yes, absolutely. Number one, legalize weed. There you go. Weed on Christmas. Weed on Christmas. Number two, lady affirmative action. If you're a lady, you get to do

whatever you want. That's my number two. I love it. Just like in Blacks get to do whatever you want. That's my number two. That's my number two. I love it. Pretty much the number two. Just like in Blacks, ladies get whatever they want. But by this point, if we have a shit fucking president, we're going to have weed legalized before that. We have priorities in this country.

Marcus, what's the score? These guys get $6,000 plus eight for the bonus. Nice. You guys just get a $76,000. Nice. All right, we got this. I love the weed. I don't like being subjugated.

I think it's hypocritical. You're an asshole, Marcus. I'm in your cabinet, we got it. I love the weed. I don't like being subjugated. I think it's hypocritical. You're an asshole, Marcus. I'm in your cabinet, by the way. I love all of these ideas. Well, this is obviously my cabinet right here. Oh, yeah. I'll be the one who makes sure to suck in all the tits to see if they're too fat. Can I be the tuna fish?

That tit is too large. I'm going to have to reduce you. Can I be the secretary of partying down? Well, I'll tell you this. When this is my cabinet, there'll be a second bucket of beer already on the table. Yeah! Molly Neffel, 2000. Molly Neffel, the party.

Molly. Molly. She's good. Yeah! All right, this next one's for Jackie. The sheer laziness of Henry Zebrowski. I don't have to go anywhere. We got two more to go.

We got for Jackie, Ed. Wait, I gotta write you a... Yeah, who's asking? No, it's Jackie. We got for Jackie. Wait, I gotta write you a... Yeah, who's asking? It's about Jackie. About Jackie. Okay, so of course Jackie has the nickname The Hammer. We're gonna stay away from that for this question.

What would Jackie's porn star name be? And the follow-up bonus question is what would her wrestler name be? And the follow-up bonus question is what would her wrestler name be? And you have to stay away from the Hammer, which is the known nickname of Jackie. It's got to be something other than that. Oh, interesting.

They're both deliberating, thinking hard. Jackie porn would be pretty hot, Henry. What do you think? What position would you like to see? Sort of hovering over the mic right now. Shut the fuck up. There's a lot of writing going on. They're working hard right now. I think there's at least five names in her name.

I think they don't have... Certain letters they don't remember how to write, so they're trying to remember. Read all Christmas! It says all X's, but I know what it means. Ed, what is your guess? Her porn name is The Full Banana.

That's good. Very good. I've gone with Banana Fools. Jackie, what is the porn star name? Rub'em's All Night. That's good. Two words. Rub'em's All Night. That's fucking good. Two words. Yeah, Rub'em's All Night.

Yeah, girl, I'm Rub'em's All Night. You get me a go on your dick. And Ed, what is the wrestler name? Man, take her the Dude Raper. I forgot about that. Take her the Dude Raper. That is your wrestling name. He got it more right than you got. I forgot about that. Take a dude break. That is your wrestling name. He got it more right than you got it.

What did you write, though? What did you write? I wrote, Killa for the number faux dicks, D-I-X. So, Killa, last name, for dicks, D-I-X.

I love that. Alright, okay, so Ben. Or this is about Ben. For you, Molly. That was like episode 50 we talked about that or something like that. That was a while back. I loved it, man.

Alright, so Ben. Or Molly. If Ben... How many hot dogs can Ben eat in an hour sitting? Oh. Without the bun or with the bun? How many minutes in an hour? There are 60 of them. And the follow-up question

is, if Ben were a hot dog, would he eat himself? Well, that's easy. As said by Harry Carey, impressed by... Shut up. Shut the impressed by... Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

Don't fucking bring that up. Harry Carey? Rub-em's all night. It is a good porn name. I really like Rub-em's all night. I like Rub-em's on. Ben, did you write your answer down? Yeah, I got it.

Billy Diamond. Rub-em's all night? I'm going to do... That's what I would do. Don't shoot this pen, though. That's what I'm good at. All right this pet now? That's what I'm good. All right. All right.

Let's hear it, Molly. Well, I'm going to say 61 hot dogs in an hour. Okay. Because at the very last minute, he would just be overcome by a fit of impulsive inadequacy. Adrenaline takes over. And get even faster. Yeah. Yeah.

And so 61. And then, obviously, yes. Yeah. Yes. Very much so. He would eat himself. And Ben, your answer? I and then obviously yes. Yeah. Yes, very much so he would eat himself. And Ben, your answer? I would not eat myself. Wow, okay.

You would eat yourself. I would not eat myself. He'd take a bite. I would take nibbles, and I would slowly... That's eating. No, no. You wouldn't eat yourself. I wouldn't swallow.

You wouldn't not eat yourself? No, I would not eat myself, and I would say, how many hot dogs can I eat in an hour? That is something that is such a fantastical idea that I'm not even sure if I can fully wrap my head around it right now. Just an unlimited amount of hot dogs. Just every hot dog in the world. What number? Just a basic number. More or less than 60. It has to...

Or 61, yeah. I'm going to have to say nine. Nine hot dogs. Marcus, score them badly. And you are fucking this up for us. No way. You really are. I'm going to score these guys first.

Out of this one, I'm going to say on the first question, you get a 700 because you really tapped into Ben's need for approval. You tapped into something primal on him. But five, because you really missed it out on the self-hatred. Because he's not going to eat himself because he hates himself so much. I eat shit that I hate all the time. Yeah, but not yourself. But that's because you hate yourself.

That's the thing. Yeah, that's because you hate yourself. If you hate yourself, isn't the best thing you could do to eat yourself? No. It's like cutting yourself. It's the thing. Yeah, that's because you hate yourself. Well, if you hate yourself, isn't the best thing you could do to eat yourself? No. It's like cutting yourself. It's vanity. It's vanity. When you're eating yourself, you're getting nourishment from yourself. He hates himself, but he loves himself. He's a very complicated man.

Which is why you would eat yourself. How about Ed and Jackie? Alright, you guys get on your first score, 666 points. Every time. And the follow- Alright, you guys get on your first score, 666 points. Every time. And the follow-up, you get I'm going to bump it up to

89 points. Because I love Man Taker, but you know what? It's been said before. It was bumping around in your subconscious, so I can't give you a full-on... It's awesome, but I can't give you a full-on score. What about Kill a Four Dicks? Kill a Four Dicks?

Oh, yeah. Let's go ahead and bump it up to 92. Okay. So what do we got, Marcus? Who is the victor? All right. I have to add it up because these are ridiculous scores. 47 plus 74.

You can make it up. 100 plus... No. Plus 6,000 plus 8. 8. No. Plus 6,000 plus 8. 8 was tough. Plus 666 plus 92 equals. All right. So their score is.

There is me and Jackie, right? Yeah. Jackie and Ed, the score is 14,213. Nice. Very good. That's a strong showing. Boy, they're going to lose. You didn't give us any high numbers because you said big numbers for them and you gave us small numbers.

I gave you guys. All right, here's what you got. You didn't do a better job. You got 66 plus 555 plus 76 plus 700 You're telling me this man wouldn't eat himself? Come on. I'm not going to fucking eat myself. I actually think he won't eat himself

because he actually likes himself. He doesn't want to die. If you eat yourself, you fucking die. How'd he die? He ate himself. And the winner by a score of 14,213 to a score of 1,402.

You're a fucking asshole, Marcus! The goddamn gimp, you're a sexist! Yay! I ain't never won again! Two games in a row! I am so good at everything! Wow, what a beautiful couple. I'm sure you guys will enjoy a lot of Caribbean cruises.

Oh, my God. Doing the calypso on the Lido deck. I think the Larsons are coming again. Did you get the shrimp? Extra shrimp. All right, that's a round table. Thank you, Jackie Zabrowski. Honk, honk.

Edward Larsen, Marcus Parks. Papilla. That's a stupid fucking catchphrase. Hold it, Mignoli. Nine. Good game, buddy. Thank you. And thanks for being here, Molly.

Yes, thank you for having me. It's Sarah Benicazza and Henry Zabrowski. Thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Get the fuck out of here. Let's do it.

But Pilla. But Pilla doesn't make sense. It's a fucking catchphrase. What is it? You can't. We already did this. You can't question a catchphrase. It's a catchphrase. Does it mean butt pillow? No, we already did this, you can't question a catchphrase. Is this a catchphrase?

Does it mean butt pillow? No, it's a combination between a burrito and a pillow. Oh. Bapilla. Bapilla. Chow time, everybody. Chow time. Chow time.

I like chow time. Let's go eat some pig. Bapilla.