The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 76: Happy New Year!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

The New Year starts off with a bang here on Cave Comedy Radio with the 77th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen, wherein we discuss a mass Santa murder in Texas, the brutal raping of a chihuahua by a wheelchair-bound sicko, and the Round Table gives their year in review. Featuring Molly Knefel, Henry Zebrowski, Walter Replogle, and John Moreno!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, I hope. Bubble bucks. Bubble bucks! Bubble bucks! gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah. Bubble butts. Bubble butts. Jackie, you're on prayer. Oh, man. End of the year prayer.

Oh, man. There's no saluting. So, dear Lord, dear Jesus Christ, I thank you this year for not giving me a lot of things, Like the hatred towards other people The clap Yeah, the clap

They took that away last year The babies That kind of clap And I just really hope that you give everybody a good year this year No falling out of trees I'm in the midst of a pregnancy scare Can you pray to the Lord to kill that baby? Please kill his child inside of him.

What you gotta do is, you just gotta grab Maura and just roll her back and forth. Whatever God wants to do with her. Just treat her like a bowling pin. I don't care. Yeah, knock him down. Yeah, yeah. A rolling pin. It's fine.

Whatever. Whatever you want to do, God, just do it. Just give him a hole in one. That's the opposite of what you want, but that's what you're gonna get. You're gonna get a child next year. White Scott! What? Oh, motherfucker! That's the opposite of what you want, but that's what you're gonna get you're gonna get a child next year Welcome to the round table a gentleman New Year's edition who's on this program Jackie's a broski And Larson and Ben you're so you're having sex then? Well, I had it once, and then the Lord was like, this is why I wasn't giving it to you.

You didn't get the... Yeah, and the thing is, I thought I did such a good job, so it means it's like a bullheaded, stupid, retarded sperm who's just like, I'm just going to go. I'm just going to get out of here early. I think you've just been using her belly button up until this point. I don't know. Either way, it's going to be a tragic situation. This is Holden McNeely looking very attractive. Mommy bought him some new clothes.

Any ladies out there looking for a cock and balls? Ooh, I'm excited by you. Don't call me, because I was shot off long ago. Sitting there for Kevin Barnett. Mark. Mark Henry. I literally wanted to say Mark Henry Because I looked at you and I was like world's fattest man

And then Mark Henry is the world's fattest That was the train thought though Mark Twain Henry Henry Twain Zabrowski Hong Kong Henry Zabrowski I'm sorry In China we got two kind of duck We got chicken duck

And we got a duck dog. A chicken duck? He's going to be doing this bit all night, folks. He's mad because I get to play Kim Jong-il later on. Yes, it is true. I'm jealous. The Chaz Bonu of dictators. All right, so into the Chuckle Hub, we got Molly Neffel.

Hi, everybody. Hey, Molly. Hi, Molly. Happy New Year. How you doing, Molly? Holden is looking good. He is is Would you Would you like to thank

His mother On air Because his mother Dressed him for this day Is this how you used to Go to high school Every day Yeah because your

Because your mom Finally went out On a date with you That's the thing We finally went out And she was like Yeah Congratulations

You finally got A real girlfriend She was like If you're gonna Fucking date This tits and this fucking beautiful mommy, then I need to dress you so you look like a fucking real little boy that came out of me. Speaking of real little boys, Walter Rapogla is in the house. Hello, Walter.

Hi-de-hi-de-hi. And of course, John Moreno, everybody. John Moreno, how are you? Yes, I'm good. This is going to be a very serious podcast. Good, John! God, Johnny. You literally are like crying wine.

There's like wine coming out of your eye sockets right now. Oh, I love to see you drinking white wine. I like that your white wine matches your off-white tie, too. You look really snappy. I believe that our Lord Jesus Christ was white, and that the blood of Christ is also white wine, not red wine.

Keep it white. Keep it white! That's quite the debate actually between you and Molly. You guys have been talking about that for a while. About the whiteness of Jesus. Well, I say it was a rosé in his blood. Oh, so he looks like me. Yeah, yeah.

I say there was a portrait done where he had a sunburn. Oh, well, yeah. I mean, I like the historical knowledge. I like to think that I have a lot in common with the Messiah. Okay, well, with your liberal talking points. I'm thinking, John, you're going to have to buy a lot of wine glasses because you're going to throw a whole series of those things in the fireplace after every drink when you grow up.

John's going to throw the wine glass into the fireplace. I'm not drinking! It's 11 p.m., John. You can't go and get new wine glasses. I kind of, there's a target open somewhere. I just use this boot. I need more wood! I need more wood!

Don't go chopping down the wood. Start doing the bag wine. All right, and with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. How you doing, buddy? I'm more wood. Don't go chopping down the wood. Start doing the bag wine. All right. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing okay. A Christmas tragedy gets even worse. The Texas family found dead in the Dallas area yesterday.

Had just opened their Christmas presents. Merry Christmas, fuckers. When one of their relatives apparently burst in dressed as Santa, shot them all, and then turned the gun on himself. This also happened last year too. It happens every year. It happens every year. Seven people were killed

including the shooter. The thing about last year is though, remember that dude burnt down the house and then he ran out of the building in a burning Santa suit.

Yeah. Trying to run away for eight hours. And that melted into his body. Yeah. Do you think it's like YouTube comments

where it's like it's just the first guy to do it gets all the fame? There's like four other dudes that also killed their families dressed up as Santa? Yeah, and then they just don't make it? I think this guy was in a down year. I think he was the only one. I kind of prayed for that this year. Our opening

presence took so long. It was like, please God, just let us say that. Let Uncle Kevin come in here and shoot me in the head. Watching your grandmother with her frail hands fumble at the table. Just kill her.

Just give it to me. But it's got to fold. I want to shave the bows and the ribbons. Yeah, watch with grandparents and saving the bows and the fucking paper. Fixed income. Because I remember back in the bows and the ribbons. Yeah, what's with grandparents and saving the bows and the fucking paper? Saving it all. Fixed income.

Because I remember back in the Depression days when you had to eat Christmas wrapping in order to survive. It was Willy Wonka wallpaper. Yeah. They taste like what? Schnauzberries. Man, speaking of eating paper, I found out this year my parents are dead broke.

They're fucking below the poverty line. My dad just kept on bragging about how good the Goodwill was in Fort Lauderdale. And he was like, it's one of the best in the world. I'll just have you know. That's a fun Christmas. It was terrible. And like, he would just point to random clothing he was wearing and be like, you know where I got this?

I'd be like, Goodwill? He's like, yeah, absolutely. Can you tell? And I was like, no. It looks great. You look fantastic. Everything you do is amazing. But he's still cocky enough to brag about how it's one of the best good wills in the world.

And I just feel like all conversations with your family were that abrupt and quick. Yeah, they are. It's terrible. And then followed by three hours of silence. It's so bad. You're lucky. Release me! Every now and again you just pull a bull out of your

What do you call them? A bow out of your grandmother's mouth You save your grandmother once every three hours Ben, you were with your gay brothers in South Florida Did you attend the gay bars? I went to one gay bar And because I went to the gay bar I got to go to the booby trap

Which was pretty fun I know the booby trap A tip for tat if you will A tip for tat, if you will. A tip for tat, indeed. I like the gay bar better, but I got with this Mexican stripper. I forget her name. Was it Tortilla? It was something like that. That's what I kept on beating.

Chili con queso? Ah, yeah. I'll beat those Mexicans down every time I get a chance. Good job, Henry. Is that bad to say? No, they're doing great. This chick was amazing. Well, I'll tell you what, Ben.

You got way off way better than John did. He had to attend a spin class with his gay brother. What? Well, that's just an upper class way of spending time with your brother. It's definitely gayer than going to a gay bar. You spin around until you cum. Not at all. Not at all Not at all

You grab on a street pole singing songs Just swinging around It's like singing in the rain That's what us gays do Whenever we want to get fit and look good for all the other boys To put our penises in We just go into a room and just spin And spin

That's Walter not John John, by the way. You guys are like a bunch of little gators. Like dreidels. Yeah, we got it. God, I'm the king of New York tonight. Oh, man. They definitely do have their own neighborhoods. Wilton Manor, that's where it is

in Fort Lauderdale. I swam in a pool there. It was pretty fucking hot. Old gays, man. Old gays, it's just weird because you think old straight men are gross but then when they want to fuck you,

it's even more disgusting. They are an interesting, interesting soggy breed. But you can get so much money out of them. Yeah, but I don't want their money because you have to

fuck them to get it. I don't know. I mean, you like butt play a little bit. Yeah, but I would not let an elderly Fort Lauderdale game everybody not

my butt if you're not looking that corner over there is getting weird don't include me in this I don't know I don't know what if you looked

at straight porno while they played with your butt and they paid you thousands of dollars it's not good Johnny we don't want to hear about it

no one wants to know the answers to the questions I don't care how however you get your Amtrak tickets, dude. That's fine with me. Just leave me out of it. We're not talking about me. John fucking smells like Moscow right now.

That's the thing. He just looks like Pat Sajak right before the first suicide attempt. You know he tried to commit suicide. Why? He was the host of Wheel of Fortune. He spins letters all day. Yeah. They all try to commit suicide, man. He was the host of Wheel of Fortune. He spins letters all day. Yeah. Yeah, it's a rough business.

They all try to commit suicide, man. The other one did it. Combs. Combs, yeah. Ray Combs. Not Trebek. Well, Trebek's, you know. He's that smart kind of host.

He's fucking solid as a goddamn rock. I swear to God, if Alex Trebek was on the planes during 9-11, he would have fucking stopped it. Do you know about

the, he woke up with someone trying to mug him in his hotel room? Yeah, and he threw question cards at him until he died? Yeah. He does the same thing. He's got that gambit power. It's a true story. I can see it.

I can see it. When that computer takes his job, he'll be very sad. For a little Trebek there. So what happened with this guy? Is he still on the run? No, no. He shot himself after he shot all of them.

So he's just going to die in there. He sent a tweet right before he went over there. He was like, this guy? Is he still on the run? No, no. He shot himself after he shot all of them. So he was just going to die in there. He sent a tweet right before he went over and was like, Going to see the family! God damn it. But he sent it to the family. It's all direct messages and you're just like, Oh, what's that message? Oh, Uncle Ralph. They should have gotten 4G.

They would have known he was coming. That's a good commercial right there. That is. I like that a cop got to utter, they really would have. That's a good commercial right there. That is. I like that a cop got to utter the words, Merry fucking Christmas. That's pretty great. You show up on a scene of Dead Sevens. It's like Dio.

Merry fucking Christmas. Absolutely. Why not? I would love to find out. How was your Christmas, Eddie? It was good. It was good. Wouldn't it be great if the cop then pulled out his gun

and started shooting the corpses? He's like, well, he might as well. He can't save them now. I've never gotten to shoot anybody. It's Christmas. I'm going to have some fun here. Fuck this. Hold it away from my face.

I just wish that he would have just chosen more Christmas way to fucking kill himself. If he just grabbed the stocking and just pulled it over his head and just fucking wrapped the rope around it and he choked himself to death with the stocking over his head. Or if he got a little candy cane

and sharpened it where you can make a candy cane really sharp. Snap himself in the jug of it? No, no, no. Put it in his mouth and then run against a wall real hard. Oh, that's tough to do. That's a good idea. Or steal a reindeer from the zoo

and put oats in your pants. And have the zoo eat his fucking reindeer. And they just get kicked to death that sounds pretty fun better than shooting himself he took the easy way out Molly how about you? you enjoyed your Christmas time?

I had a pretty good Christmas I spent Christmas with my brother's girlfriend's family oh really? they are hot and heavy now yeah and I am a bystander of this hot and heaviness. And so it was just me, my brother and his girlfriend,

my parents, and then like 15 to 20 elderly people that I didn't know. That's gross, right? So you were in Florida? I was in Jersey. Oh, Jersey. That's where me and Eddie spent Christmas. Yeah, and Marcus come over for Christmas. You did? Yeah, Marcus came over and Eddie spent Christmas. Yeah, yeah. I had Marcus come over for Christmas.

You did? Yeah, Marcus came over and Doug came over. Oh, God. I should have come over to y'all's house. It was great. It was awesome. We ate so much meat, Molly. It was so much meat.

It was like ham and lasagna, kielbasa. I like how even an innocuous comment about how it would have been fun to spend Christmas together turned to an assault about meat. Meat. The war comes to America. We killed a bunch of kittens and ate them with our bare hands.

We went down to the mosque and we hung wreaths on top of all their muhammads. We went down to the mosque and we hung wreaths on top of all their muhammads. Walter, did you suck any dick over Christmas? No. No. I actually had a beautiful Christmas.

I had a whole bunch of people who work in restaurants get together and plan. Like, a chef did this entire dinner with an amazing pork leg. It was the whole fucking leg. And it was delicious. So again, meat! Once again, meat. Somehow, again, a gayer situation than actually sucking dick. That is incredible.

What you did with your brother. I always have the gayest Christmas. It's pathetic. My little cousin's little kids are fucking disgusting little monsters. You hate them? Got me all sick and shit. Fucking jumping on me they're animals the thing is you gotta realize

they really are monsters and animals one's a seal and one's name is Jorgoth he's got a fucking horn coming out of his head yeah

he's got a horn 450 pounds four years old stop stop stop I'm gonna eat shove little

little turtles in their pussies what are you doing I'm gonna give birth to this one day your family needed a turtle The family just comes down to Little China, shove little turtles in their pussies. What are you doing? I'm going to give birth to this one day. The family needed a turtle. You're my best friend. That sounds hot.

Good times all around for Christmas. Little fucking kids, as soon as you walk in, they're just like, got their hands in my pockets trying to get money and shit. They just love you. They just love you. They just love you. They just want to give you cuddles. Shaking me down. I'd weed in there. They sound like little thugs to me.

No, they sound like the Jewish side of your family. Oh, no. Oh, my. Hello. Oh, no. Oinky-poinky. Oinky-poinky. I'll tell you, I had to go through that airport security scanner.

That was fun. Did anybody do that in Fort Lauderdale? I did that in Florida. It's weird. You got to put your hands in the triangle. You got to put your hands in the triangle. I went through, and then I got pulled aside, and he's like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to have to see your forearms. Do you have some kind of skirt under that shirt? You got some kind of hidden compartment under your shirt?

Oh, it's just a bunch of fat. What do you see in your forearms? I don't know. And I looked at him. I was like, are a lot of people smuggling drugs on their forearms these days? Is this like a common place where people put, you never know. And he checked my forearms up and down. They were clean as a whistle.

It was weird, though. It felt like it was a bit of an intrusion. When I was getting mine done, I was getting it done by a lady. And it was, you know, going fine. Yeah, but it's worse for me. I, like, have a huge penis. He has a lot more places to hide stuff that they've got to check. Cavernous parts of your body.

Yeah, they've got to lift things and shine things. So getting the pat down was one thing and then as it was happening, a guy, airport employee, walks by and goes, Ooga! Oh! Wow! Good for you! He's the pervert dogs in cartoons.

What I've discovered that the TSA employees don't like is that when they rub you down your legs, you go, uh. Okay, we'll see. I had this. I was going through. I was going through. I was like, okay, here we go.

There was a crusty old man right in front of me. Come and get me. He was patting down like a little boy, like a little kid, like a 10-year-old kid. Got him up in the front, got him up in the back. But this was before security? This was just in the line? I'm looking through the thing. Who's the creep?

You're the one staring at it and watching it happen. He's a social scientist. He got to tell me some kids get mol molested you're not going to watch. Exactly, right? Whoa! I feel like I would just turn my head and point my camera at it and try to take pictures of it.

He got the kid in the front and the back. That's CNN for iReport. He felt up his tushy and everything and then he's like, all right, fine. And then the kid walks away, you know, totally humiliated. You're not a bomb. Looks up at me, gives me an up and down. All right, you can go.

Walks right past. That's insane. I mean, you look like a mule. You look like you should have cocaine inside of you. Why wouldn't they search you? Dude, because that dude, that old man, definitely loves the little boys, man. Oh, man.

It would be funny if you know how they have, do the pat-downs for women and men do the pat-downs for men. If they had a little kid do the pat-downs for little kids. That would be adorable. Camille, do you have any drugs on you? What was the name of the kids in elementary school who wore those stupid... Gremlins. Gremlins. Hall monitors for the people around the bus, too.

They always had those stupid fucking sashes on. Fuck those kids. I was a bathroom monitor. It was great. That's hilarious. I got a C in bathroom monitor. What did you do wrong, man? What?

I was never at the bathroom. Oh, yeah, you gotta be there. He was always in the bathroom smoking weed. Eating toilet paper. We used to try to flush stuff down the toilet. We'd tie stuff to a string and then flush it down the toilet and then try to pull it back out? This is what I did all day. How do you get bathroom monitored?

Is there a vote? No, you just have to sign up for it in time. That's it? Yeah, you just hang out by the bathrooms a whole bunch. I bet you'd be a great bathroom monitor. I was a safety patrol in order to abuse my powers immediately. Yeah, you were an asshole. Yeah, no, like, I would see kids with candy and I'd be like, oh, no, you can't have candy on campus.

I'm going to have to confiscate this. I won't give you a referral right now, but I'm going to have to take this to the office, and we're going to have to book it. You need, like, a science book, and so you see a kid with the same science book, and you're like, oh, you can't have science books on campus. Oh, yeah, you got fucking insulin, little boy. Oh, yeah, give me some of that fucking sweet ass. I'm going gonna get hot I was in safety patrol but I used to like snap girls Training bras as they walked by It's like the end of the day

I used to do that too, it was so much fun And she'd be like, well you can't have a real bra But in reality I was just so fat That I needed a bra at that point You see I was on the AV club And I just liked setting up TVs and VCRs Very nice I was a conflict medi club, and I just like setting up TVs and VCRs. Very nice. I was a conflict mediator, which is the weirdest job ever.

Fuck you. I know. I hate mediators. I know. You're a mediator, so the ones I beat up after school. You're the ones I beat the shit out of after school. It was insane. What's a mediator?

They enlisted eight. I was like eight or nine, and about know, about 35 pounds, and they would put me out on the playground, and I had to go around and stop kids from getting in fights. Hey, guys. And so it would be like... Like a fucking bouncer. Yeah, exactly. I was the playground bouncer.

And then I would be like Molly, trying to stop people like me from beating up people. The only people who can do it. Like Molly. Can you imagine if you are like a 5th or 6th grade boy And you're about to get into a fight on the playground And a little kid, a little nerd wearing a blue vest Comes up to you and is like Whoa, whoa, whoa, sit down, we're going to talk about this

You should have just held a little chimney sweep And one of those top hats where the top is kind of broken up Oh, I'm sorry, you shouldn't be farting there You should be eating candy Or just carry around a baseball bat with some spikes coming out of it Oh, I'm sorry. You shouldn't be farting there. You should be eating candy. Do you know what we cook for heat? Or just carry around a baseball bat with some spikes coming out of it. Yeah. You do that?

I used to sign up people who I knew didn't like each other for peer mediation. And they would get pulled out of class. And they're like, we don't, we didn't, I never said this. And I would just like fill out these forms. I sent one, I had to sign one up for Tim Dean one time. He met with this, he had this girl Dawn. And I was just like, he kept saying how much he didn't like her. So I sent him fill out these forms. I signed one up for Tim Dean one time. He had this girl Dawn and he kept saying how much he didn't like her so I sent him to peer mediation with her.

You're like the opposite of a matchmaker. But women are the best at diffusing any sort of violence. If a dude's beating up another dude, whip out your tits. You can either do that. That might actually increase the violence. I think there's studies that prove that.

But it's like chicks can stop grown men from fighting. Grown men can't stop grown men from fighting. They're also the best at starting grown men fighting and being the irrational. If they whip their tits out. Okay, women cause. Jackie causes it when she whips her tits out. And then Molly solves it when she comes and rationally talks to these grown men. What you do is you send a bunch of topless girls to Afghanistan.

They're going to get their fucking clearance cut off. Why would you do that? So fast. Just murdered immediately. With rocks. That would be equivalent to... Poopsganistan? That's the name of the project?

Poopsganistan. Operation Poopsganistan. Mr. President. We've come to a solution For the Afghanistan war I think you've got the right tits I mean idea I mean um I'm Barack Obama

You're clearly an imposter Rippling muscles And that action figure Yeah I got big I mean I don't know rippling muscles than that action figure. Yeah, I got big. I mean, I don't know. I would say... I forgot what I was going to say. Anyway, Walter, you had something?

Well, I got a new story for you. No, what? Good radioing there. I had something I was... Why is that dog so sad, Marcus? He's a fuckbird. Why is this dog so sad? This dog... Oh, God. He's a fuckwad. Why is this dog so sad? This dog...

Oh, God. A wheelchair-bound California parolee has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for sexually assaulting an eight-month-old chihuahua. Is it because it's eight months old? Robert Edward DeShields was renting space in a Sacramento house when the homeowners returned to find him... He did it in a rented house? He was in a rented house. Can you imagine being away for vacation and did it in a rented house? He was in a rented house.

Can you imagine being away for vacation and coming back and finding that out? This is exactly what happened. When the homeowners returned to find their chihuahua shadow,

quote, in pain and shock, a veterinarian examined the chihuahua and discovered the dog had suffered severe damage to its internal organs.

This dog's been raped. Y'all get a finger in dog's been raped! Yo, he had a finger in dog's ass. That's awful. Instead of a fucking wheelchair, it wasn't his dick, was it? It was his dick. The guy picked up a chihuahua

and just kind of used it as a flashlight. Pay a hooker! Do something else! Pay a hooker, but the chihuahua was right there chihuahuas are free yeah Marcus have you used

the flashlight of course I have yeah I've used it a few times as to quote you you said I came loads yeah

that's so great that I did I mean really if you want to feel like a disgusting human being like just a really that's so sad just like like A disgusting human being Like just a really That's so sad

Just like a really Not a bad person Just a fucking like Oh it's bad A disgusting Just ugh Came loads is the most Succinct but vivid

I feel like fucking a chihuahua Is more normal I used a fleshlight And came loads I think it's more normal To fuck a living animal Than it is to fuck a fleshlight I honestly

I don't know While you're using it You're having the greatest time Like while you're using it, you're having the greatest time, like, while you're using it, you're like, this is amazing. It's so heavy.

And then as soon as you, you know, cum loads. But it's like, as soon as you do that, you're like, done. Molly was just molested

in an airport. Yeah, and you're like, have some sympathy. And you're done, and like, you look down, and you're like,

I gotta clean this now. You gotta unscrew this. You gotta unscrew it, and you gotta take it to the, you gotta take it to the bathtub. It's actually kind of nice. He just like dunks it in the toilet

like up and down. It's actually kind of nice. For the first time you feel like what it's like to be a woman after sex. You gotta clean your pussy. You gotta go out there.

You gotta clean that thing. Is that what they do in the bathroom? Yeah, they sit in the toilet and all the cum drips out of them and they're like no baby, no baby, no baby.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, they have terrible time after sex. Except for you're cleaning your plastic fuck toys. Yeah. You gotta clean that pussy. I just remember

they were going there to cry. Have you seen the other one? I mean, I was using it a couple weeks ago and as I was using it, my roommate came home, but I, you know, still, you know, finished.

And he came home and I couldn't, but that's the thing, I couldn't take the that's the thing. I couldn't take the flashlight to... Is somebody there? I couldn't take the flashlight to the bathroom to actually clean it. So I just had to screw the cap back on it. And it's been sitting there for like...

What? Are you fucking kidding me? You are so gross, dude. Throw it out. Throw it out. You can't fuck it again. It's got the cap on it. I mean, it's just sitting there.

What if you... I don't know what to do with it. You gotta throw it away. What if it's a space? Well, okay, I've done it. I did that. I've done it once before. And man, whenever you open that thing up, that smell is bad.

You know what you do, man? You fucking leave it on the subway. Someone will be like, oh, someone left left their coffee you know what you should do is put it in a loose duffel bag put it in a duffel bag and just like throw it on the chair yeah it's like a chair of the train they're gonna all the cops will come in like a bomb squad like if you see something say something i saw a vagina it's full of question question it's a fake pussy i don't know what to call it. If there's one group of people who know the full story to this,

I think it's you guys. Okay, so the 30 Minutes or Less movie was based off a real story. What's 30 Minutes or Less? It's the pizza movie with Sarah. Why are we talking about Sarah? I am the one who makes it bad. Know your fucking role.

None of you have heard about this? Where they strap the bomb to him and make him rob a bank? Yeah, we've heard about that. Apparently this is based off a true story. Where the guy actually got fucking murdered. And I'm pretty sure I saw the YouTube footage of him basically just sitting... How does this relate

to cum? We're talking about cum. I like it. Subway bombs. I like subway bombs. Subway bombs. Molly, I want to know, are you more perturbed if you walk in on your boyfriend, he's masturbating to lesbian piss porn, but with his hand?

Is this to me and Molly? Is that what this is? Yeah, to both of you guys. Or if he's masturbating to normal heterosexual porn using the flashlight. Or no porn at all and a flashlight. Or just his hand and disgusting porn. What if it's a flashlight and a picture of you? Oh, that's nice.

So a flashlight and a picture of Jackie or yourself. Or just piss porn and his hand. What's creepier? I think I gotta go with the flashlight and the picture of me. I mean, I use a vibrator. Why shouldn't he use a flashlight? That's the thing. There we go.

That's my entire thing. Yeah, they use sex toys. Why can't we use sex toys? That's the thing. There we go. That is my entire thing. Yeah, they use sex toys. Why can't we use sex toys? Yeah, but they need sex toys. Just the fact that he's looking at a picture of me, though, while he's masturbating, that's gross enough. That's love. To me, though.

That's fucking love. You wouldn't like that? You would rather look at another person? No, look at a fucking porn star while you're masturbating. Think of other things, because then you'll have me later, and it's not just me staring at you with dead eyes. But what if he cut out your eyes and then he has... Cut out my eyes?

And then his friend is behind him just looking. That's fine. That's okay. Or what if he cuts out the eyes and then puts the picture over his own face and then looks at him in the mirror. And then masturbating into a mirror. Oh, so it's like you have the dick. Oh, that's fun.

That's actually fun. He's you, but he's still a man. Do you feel like there's a double standard that there's no anus fleshlight yet? There is an anus fleshlight. There is? I want to get that one. That's the one I want. No, there's all kinds of fleshlights.

I saw this because they're pairings also. They're fleshlights and a dildo. There's one for a zombie pussy and a zombie dick. That's gross. There's one for a robot pussy and a robot dick. That's gross. A robot pussy and a robot dick. One of them's just an armpit. One just comes with pre-cum in it. One's just a sandwich.

That's what I want to do. That's what I want. Henry, we can make that happen in like 15 minutes. Let's get crazy. Have you guys seen a picture? I saw this. I look at weird things on the internet. But it's a picture of a fleshlight stuck between two mattresses.

And then a picture of someone ludicrous. It's like Fred Savage or something. And so you can just sit on the edge of the bed and fuck the side of your bed. I've done that. Yeah. Well, yeah. If you really want to get the full... What you kind of do is you stuff it in your comforter

and then put it up against the wall. I only did this once. It's disgusting. Is this before you capped it up like a time capsule for the rest of time? Oh, shit. Yeah, pretty much. Because it's the first time you have something, you want to get weird with it.

I mean, I still give the nod to women, though, when it comes to sex toys, right? You guys dominate. Men are becoming obsolete. A fleshlight will never take the spot. I don't use them. What do you use? Her fingers.

Yeah, I guess when you can fit a wrist in you. Just a whole banana, yeah. Well, the thing that's nice about sex toys for women, at least, is that I think, like, you don't need them at all. You can do a great job by yourself. And then when you use a vibrator, it's like, whoa, that's awesome too. Women just have a great setup. Yeah, I don't even touch myself.

I just use my brain. Oh, yeah? I just sit and think at it, and I meditate for a really long time. And before I know it, I fall asleep. Wow, you're like that kid in Powder. But I've come in my sleep. We've all come in our sleep. Is that creepy? No, I mean, we've all done it. Is that a creepy way to do it. We've all come in our sleep. Is that creepy?

No, I mean, we've all done it. Is that a creepy way to do it? We've all done it. Do girls have wet dreams? Absolutely. Yeah. I don't think they're wet, but they're... No, it's inside wet.

Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, we have hard-on dreams, but I mean, like, squirt dreams. No, this is a squirting dream. Wait, but you mean, like, dreams where you come in the dream? No, no, no, dreams where, Dreams where you wake up and you're like, these sheets are a mess. I don't think you can do that. No, but I do have dreams where I come in the dream,

which is kind of nice. Oh, yeah. That's always great. But that doesn't squirt out of us the way it does with you guys. So that's why it's really great. Did you imagine Doug waking up? She's dying. Her water's breaking.

For the boys in here, have you ever woken yourself up right before you have a wet dream? I've never had one. I've never had one. Have you ever had a wet dream? No. I had like three, probably.

Yeah, plenty. Get me in here! Let me get in this! I do not want to hear about any man's wet dreams. I had one. I was at a mountain cottage. I had a friend with me at the mountain cottage

and we shared a room. Not a bed, but a room. Was it a friend or someone you were with? Is this the dream? This was my friend Adam. I woke up with cum all over me. Luckily, it was asleep. I hope he was asleep, but that's not necessary.

I think it was his cum. You think it was him? It probably just came on your dick. You were like, oh my. When I cum on his dick, it's like he came out his dick. Is it weird that I feel like that's better than having the wet dream? It's better for came out his dick Is it weird that I feel like that's better Than having the wet dream It's better for him to come on you

Than for you to just come on him No, no, no It was just so embarrassing It was so embarrassing I disagree completely It's different It's different for you, Walter You have different rules

Going home for Christmas Gay men love cum. They need it. If Walter had a choice, every day would be like escaping Shawshank. Oh, yeah. If I was gay, I'd just decorate my tree with cum. Like strands of garland.

I was in 7th grade watching a porno with my friend Jared. I was in my Charlotte Hornets shorts. I really loved Alonzo Mourning at the time. Yeah, J.R. Reid. He was great. Mugsy Boo! Yes!

The little man! I don't know. Just came out of nowhere in my shorts, and it was really awkward. And he was like, oh, we should just stop watching this porno. And like four minutes before I came, I was like, oh, we better keep on watching. You know, because I knew it was coming, and I didn't touch my dick that entire time. I just fucking came. That is fucking horrifying and sad and empty.

You came out of nowhere, but you were watching a porno. Yeah, this dude was fucking a chick. Yeah. It was hot. Alright, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely! Alright, it's a year in review. Somehow we're going to score this via Marcus. I'm going to go around, I'm going to ask everyone a question.

Marcus, don't fuck me and Molly over this time. Yeah, man. I just score somehow I seize them. If you guys don't suck, then you get good scores. Hell yeah, Marcus. We're going to start with that. Eddie's on my side. Eddie, why don't you guys be more like Eddie?

Eddie's a champion. I win a lot. Yeah. I agree with you. I won last week, though though I won the spelling bee Congratulations, then we won together the week before That was nice Look at this side of the table here

That side of the table over there Chad, they're bad at it You're sabotaging us Molly, what did you feel when that guy gave you the hubba hubba? Sabotage! Sabotage! What did you feel when that guy gave you the hubba hubba? Sabotage! Sabotage! What did you feel when that guy gave you the old ooga at the airport? Ooga?

What did I feel? I felt outraged. You were upset? Yeah. You didn't have one shred of like, well, he's not half wrong. You know, like he's a smart man with two beautiful eyes. I'm a hot fox to trot. I know that.

But we all got to stop trying to rape each other. No, I did like a cartoon double take double-take. I was like oh what? Oh, he gave a cartoon in a cartoon that'll change everything that'll make it not inappropriate at all Sounds like a wet dream to me Okay, so we're gonna start off Henry horror movie of the year. Oh, really good. What'd you say? Do you want it to be... That's so good. I'm so thrilled about it.

Horror Movie of the Year. I'm saying, what's the best horror movie you have watched this year? Made in 2011? Or about 2011? Made in 2011. I'm pretty sure I know the answer. Oh, yeah.

Best horror movie made in 2011 is Human Centipede 2. Alright, there you go. That was my guess. I was going to go Insidious. Of course, Marcus is scoring, so I'm sure you're going to do well. Human Centipede 2 fucking rules. I saw The Devil.

It's an horror movie. It's extremely horrific. Everybody dies the Devil is a Korean revenge film. Yeah, it's not a horror movie. It's extremely horrific. Everybody dies. It's a Korean revenge film. I would even say a thriller. A Korean revenge thriller. All right, Ben. Ben.

Ben. Beat off girl of the year. Oh, man. You're really asking me the tough ones. Oh, man. All right. So, I was into Jana Michaels big tits

In the beginning But then I got Into this Jada Fire chick Because she could squirt Like a god damn Sprinkler system Around summertime Who am I jacking off to

Right now that's really Making my motor run I'm going to say Jackie number one Molly number two Number three He's giving us respect Yeah I'm going to say Jackie number one. Molly number two. Number three. He's giving us respect. I'm giving you props.

It's just an honor to be nominated. I'm going to say a ooga to Molly and Jackie. I think about both of you all the time. Yeah, we've got to take back a ooga to mean something that we can own. Yeah, make it like nigga. Jesus. No, no, we can't do that when there's no Kevin or Michael here.

Yeah, you can't do that with no black people in the room. Nigga. He loves it. Or we get a bird to the ground. I'm going to say AGA Uncensored. It's not one girl. It's a collective of 20 women who beat the shit out of each other and fuck each other with dildos and strap-ons in each other's butts and things of that nature. Yeah, it's pretty great.

AGA Uncensored. AGA Uncensored, everybody. I'm going to check that out when I get home tonight. I know you feel good about it. It's great, I'm telling you. It's competitive. I'd also recommend going to kink.com wrestling.

I like kink.com. Kink.com's great. Yeah, Jackie, how's it feel to be on the flip side of the coin? I like it and I'm going to go there too. side of the coin. I like it, and I'm going to go there, too. And the tables turn yet again.

Walter, we're going to go with, what was your biggest mistake? Biggest mistake you've made. Women don't make mistakes. No. Biggest mistakes are, like, for us. Ben, I would make a lot of mistakes. I'm going to have to say, biggest mistake of 2011 would have to say biggest mistake

of 2011 would have to be the last 30 years of my life. All right! Did you ever swallow when you should have spat or spat when you should have swallowed? You really want to know all this stuff, don't you? He's very curious. All right, John Moreno, album of the year.

Album of the year? Yes! I think it was that... Load up Tim Dean's Facebook. Album of the Year. Album of the Year? Yes! I think it was that... Load up Tim Dean's Facebook. That new Wilco album by Van Morrissey. Yeah, the new one. What was that? The hit single from it was...

Jump for Jubilee. Yeah, or I Hurt Myself. I think, yeah, I Hurt Myself in the Shower. I hurt myself today. In myself. I hurt myself. In the shower. Trying to jerk off, but I failed. I got soap in my dick. Nightmare of a song.

Honestly, though, I just discovered I Am Loving You by the Abbott Brothers. The Abbott Brothers came out three years ago. I know, yeah, but you introduced me to it this year. And I thank you for it. I love that album. I'm loving you Ava Brothers. I'll go with that. Alright, Jackie. Drunkest night.

Drunkest night of the year. Jackers. What are we doing? Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and say... Her most sober night is when she only drank five beers. I do remember I made a complete asshole out of myself. I work at a small bakery in Williamsburg, and I made an asshole not only at my favorite bar down the block,

but every single bar down Graham Avenue, and I don't remember any of it. So what was an example of what someone told you the next day that you did? So I lost my phone that night. Oh, yeah, I remember. I even remember that night. I came out, and you looked at me like,

you looked at me like I was a stranger. It was the scariest thing I've ever seen. You were like, you don't want to party? You don't want to party? I think you literally,

like, it was just, you were swaying back and forth. At one point, apparently, I was told by one of my, the regular guys that come in, I was completely by myself, banging my fist against the regular guys that comes in, I was completely by myself banging my fist

against the wall outside of a bar, screaming about my phone. And he's like, come on, girl, let's go back inside and get a few more shots. What? I went back inside, and I don't remember anything from this point on. Oh, my God. And then apparently I broke glasses at the

Richardson. Good. Fuck that place. I just, like, made a huge, huge, and then like people came in days after coming into my shop telling me about what an asshole I made myself. Jesus Lord. I love everything you do, Jackie. Good drunk night. Drunkest night. Yeah, man.

Wow. I'm a champion. All right. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Is that what your father did right before Christmas dinner last night? I'm a champion. He went immediately into rehab. Ed,

what is your fattest moment? Fattest moment of this past year? Oh, it's got to be when I woke up covered in meat. Oh yeah, that's right. It's definitely going to be. Did you ever wake up covered in cheese?

Ed is going to win again. I didn't get cheese. I didn't even buy it. I just bought, like, four different kinds of meat and, like, half a pound of Swiss cheese. That's great. I was just, like, eating rolled up cheese. I don't need bread. I'm the bread, so.

I'm the bread. My lips are the bread. All right, Marcus, do you want to do a round one score update? What about Molly lips are the bread. Alright, Marcus, do you want to do a round one score update? What about Molly? What about me? Ask her if she likes me. What was Molly?

Do you like Ben the most moment? No, no. What was your smelliest... You didn't call me for three weeks. I like that. What was your smelliest Occupy Wall Street moment? What was the moment the stink was at the highest level

and you were about to wake up and be in cheese? Can I go greasiest? Sure. I'm going to say my greasiest was me during the 37 hours that John had been arrested because I was just wearing the same clothes

and not sleeping very much and wearing a stocking cap because I had been outside and it was really cold and so I had been just not taking off layers and layers and layers for like 37 hours and about 35 like into those 37 hours at about.35 I went

on Keith Olbermann and I was like super gross. But you looked really good. Yeah. Thank you. Some girls look good dirty. That's the thing. Your greasiest moment is just my Wednesday. A ooga.

Did Keith Oberman do that? A ooga. We got Molly Neffle coming up next. A ooga. I keep my Wall Street protest for Molly Neffel. A ooga. Ay-yi-yi-yi. Is it hot in here?

Fuck liberalism. Look at this bitch. Yahoo. I'm feeling the grab disease. That was my dirtiest moment on national television. Fantastic. All right. Okay. You want to do the next one national television. Fantastic. All right. Okay.

What? You want to do the next one? Yeah, yeah. Round one. Molly, you get a 79 because you were on national television. Like 69, but better. Oh, yeah. 69 plus 10 years old.

It's a 69. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Henry and Ben, you're tied with 888. Because you got good taste. Both of you. Uncensored. The beat-off girl.

Walter, you got a 647 because you weren't specific. That's good. Actually, you know what? You can't. You're going to get a 64 Took that 7 off Took that 7 off You're going to get a 64 What do we got for Mr. Album of the Year here

Mr. Album of the Year you started off with 888 And then you shot up to 3475 And then at the very end You dropped down to 76. Thank God. It was the song. It was the song.

Yeah, it was the song. You know, not just because, you know, the Abbott brothers, come on. He likes the Abbott brothers. He likes them. But also, that album came out three years ago. There it is.

No matter what. Jackie. Jackie, you get a 900. Wow! You get a 900 Because that was epic But not as epic as our boy Eddie Who gets a 901 There you go

Waking up with me All you gotta do is wake up with meat and cheese And I eat some meat I'll tell you what Marcus Do we have time for another round? We have time Here's what we're gonna do We're gonna go through everybody who is in triple digits.

We're going to go through them. Everybody who is in double digits. Sorry, ChuckleHutters, you're all out. They sucked it all out. Let's do the big... Henry, dump of the year. Holy Jesus Christ. A lot of factors that go

into this. It's kind of up to you. There's also most needed dump. Most needed. Biggest in mass. Let's just go ahead and say proudest moment on the toilet. Yeah. Well, they're never a proud moment. Speak for yourself.

Painful. Painful, teary-eyed. Sure. Prideful? I don't know. Come on. Where everything just came together and went right. Do you have any no wipers? Oh, that doesn-eyed, sure, prideful, I don't know. Come on, where everything just came together and went right.

Do you have any no-wipers? Oh, that doesn't exist, Eddie. You just don't wipe. I had a no-wiper today. It was amazing. A no-wiper? You gotta wipe! I mean, you wipe, but you just...

You wipe right? You're like, hey, all right, I'm good. Well, I went through all of... We showed up at our mother's house on December 23rd. Just put the tissue paper back in your pocket. But this is an example of what then occurred. We showed up.

My mom had made her own corned beef. Jackie and I sat down and proceeded to eat literally four pounds of corned beef at three o'clock in the morning on the 23rd. That started me being constipated throughout the entire trip home, in which I then ate lasagna. I guess I was shitting for both of us because I was definitely shitting a lot. No, see, I was, you see, then we had lasagna and a turkey

and we had prime rib roast and four bloomin' onions? All those were four bloomin' onions! What? And then didn't really go. Arrived home. I showed up and didn't really know because itved home. I showed up. I didn't really know because I looked it up. It was very small.

I was discomforted. And then when I came home, this was really, and it really just caught at the very end of the year. I got home on the what day was it that we returned? On the 28th. At like 10 o'clock in the morning. And I proceeded to take what must have been a four pound

entirely green dump. I love the green dump. Yeah. I did. I did. I just dropped a bunch of old red thread in it. That's very nice. They also ate that before. Ben, we're going to go

shittiest person of the year. The shittiest person of the year. Someone we know could be a celebrity. shittiest person of the year. The shittiest person of the year. It could be someone we know. It could be a celebrity. Shittiest dude of the year. Oh, my. Living or dead, anything. Tough, tough, tough.

I don't know. I'm not too keen on myself this year. Are you going to go with yourself? I think I might go with myself. There's a lot of terrible things. There's a lot of terrible things You know It's tough Congratulations man

Way to go We're all proud of you man Let's come in 2012 Jackie As a reaction to Biggest Mistake What was your greatest victory? Wow Greatest victory I might not biggest mistake, what was your greatest victory? Oh, same night, sort of. Wow, greatest victory.

Greatest victory. I might not, I guess I'm going to go ahead and say the shit I took when I got home from my mom's house. It's like, you're just going to steal, you're just going to do the same. The thing is that I shit the entire time, but I also had that same shit

on top of all the shit I took home. That's not good, though. Yeah, so I out-shit your shit, had that same shit on top of all the shit. That's not good, though. That's not good. Yeah, so I out-shit your shit. And then I fucking climbed on top of that mountain and I put my fucking flag in. Well, my fucking thing was all about the fact that I wasn't feeling very good.

I was gassy and bloated. I threw up on both airplane rides. Jesus Christ. Surprisalities are fucking awful. Nightmare full of shit. Okay, Ed, come on. It's like the movie Solo, but with the fucking lasagna. Gotta move on. I hope

neither of them win. Ed Larson. Roundtabler of the year. Roundtabler? Roundtabler of the year. Michael Che. Alright. Michael Che. All right. Michael Che. You just hung out with him yesterday.

That's why you remember him. I don't know who you people are. You start talking about shit, and Eddie just thinks of Michael Che. You're racist, Eddie. I would have said Marcus because he's keeping score, but yeah, there you go. I don't know. Louis Katz is second. Someone on the round table. Somebody want someone on the round table.

Somebody who's on the round table. No, no, totally valid. It's fine. If he wants to vote for fucking strangers. Yeah, then that's totally cool. Eddie, I see what it's like when you cross parks. Eddie, you get a 750. Okay. Pretty high, pretty high. I guess I'm third on my list.

Yeah, I mean... Thank you. You get a 630. Henry and Jackie, you tied because you both talked about the same thing. 649. You got less than that because you insulted everybody.

And the winner. Because he knows himself. Ben Kessel. Thank you everybody. Congratulations. It's a Christmas miracle. I like disgusting porn and I hate myself. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Happy New Year, everybody! From the Roundtable, gentlemen, Jacob Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Older McNally, Kevin Barnett, Henry Zabrowski, Hunter Walter, Marcus Parks,

I'm Ben Kis, and we'll talk to you next year. Good night, Kevin. Good night. Good night, Henry. Good night, Jackie. Good night, Ben. Good night, Kevin. Good night, Henry. Good night, Jacky. Good night, Ben. We're not going... I'm not going to bed at all. Good night, Marcus.

Good night, Henry. Good night, Walter. Good night, Henry. Hold it! Good night! Don't talk so kindly to him. That's my dad. That's my dad.

That's my dad last night. He's the sweetest he's ever been told to go to bed. Welcome back to New York, everybody.