The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 78: One Big Drunken Mess

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

So you know how when you listen to the Round Table and everyone's drunkenness gets more and more obvious as the show goes on? Well! Tune in for this week's second Round Table to hear what happens when we record two in a row. Child sacrifice! Pissin' on art! FIGHTS!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Dear Lord! Jesus. By Lord! Jesus. By Lord, I mean, dear Lord Beelzebub, Satan, Bilal, the 11th Scourge of God, please

bless us, as you do every single week, with wonderful news stories of the horrors of the world, the terrible things that happen to strangers that we love to talk about and laugh at and just have a wonderful time with. Is that you? Yeah, I'm just doing a demon noise thing.

Oh, no, no, no. So that wasn't. He's got an interjection. No, that wasn't the scourge. That wasn't the scourge. Okay. Okay. Because he's got a really high-pitched voice.

Marcus, you've got to get this. Yeah. It sounds like that. It's like that. Of course. Because Ed's the scourge. Oh, Eddie! Oh, I knew

we were friends for a reason. Thank you, Scourge. Amen. No problem. Amen! Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Goddamn fire truck. This is clearly

the second episode in a row. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who's here again? We got some new faces, but we got some old faces. Who are the old faces? I'm the old face? You're old. You're fucking old ass shitty dumb. I get carded when I buy

cigarettes, Jackie motherfucking Zabrowski. Your nipples are going to the south. And Larson, I look like I the south. Fifteen years old. Ed Larson, I look like I'm 42. Yeah, you do. Holder McNeely, I am of age. Sitting in for Kevin Burnett. Amber Nelson, I'm 28, but people say I look 22.

She's a saucy, saucy diva. I would love to hear her number one tits. I don't look like I'm 22. No, no, no. You look like you're a good, hot 29, 20, 30 years. All right, Eddie. We don't need to relive all your OKCupid dates. The deal is this.

What, you never did it? No, I never did it. You should do it. No. You're a man. Speaking of men, we got the very, very fantastic Ryan Fyke. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing very well. You're a man. Speaking of men, we've got the very, very fantastic Ryan Fyke. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing very well. Thank you, Ben.

Sexy. Sexy voice. And our good friend, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the roundtable first ever ceremony. The roundtabler of the year, Michael Chang. Yeah!

Last week, you were voted roundtabler of the year. Roundtabler of the year. He's with us. Michael Che, do you feel bad for being two hours late now? Yeah, I do. I do. That's good. You know what?

Thank you so much. No problem, Michael. You guys are the podcast that I get to guest on of the year. Yeah. Henry Zabrowski literally said, Does Che know this isn't a job? He can be on time for it. It was pretty fantastic.

I'm Ben Kisselman. This is always Marcus Parks. What stories you got for us, buddy? Two men have been arrested in central India for allegedly killing a seven-year-old girl and cutting...

In India? For killing a seven-year-old girl and cutting out her liver in a ritual sacrifice to ensure a better harvest. It's fine. They're savages. I read about this.

They can do whatever they want. They're obviously part of the thuggy cult and it's... Kalima. Yeah, yeah. Kalima Shatide That's their trademark Oh it sucks that they didn't get good crops this year

No it doesn't suck if they don't get good crops this year It's great for every 7 year old girl in India If they get great crops And they cut this chick's liver out every year I think there's 4 happy 7 year old girls in India That's true India is the second most populated country on the planet. Not a good percentage was.

You know, have you ever met a fucking seven-year-old girl? India or not, they're sexy and they're fucking fresh. And they're very, very, they just get it in the ground. I want their blood on my dirt. You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean, Jackie. Why? Yum, yum.

What, you drink the blood? Is that how you drink the blood? What happened to you in 15 minutes? I drank a vodka Red Bull. Jackie, what sort of vegetable sprouts with the blood of a 7-year-old Indian gal? Maize. They're Indians. They eat maize.

Wrong Indians. We're talking dot Indians. You know, not the Indians that we murdered. Not yet. Seven-year-olds being real sassy. I saw a video about this kid born without a brain. Very sad. Whatever.

He has no brain. He just has a brain stem. He has no brain. He has no brain. Yeah. Kill it. Kill it. Get out of here.

But he just has a brain stem. No brain. But his seven-year-old sister and all the family photos was like, hey-ya. Like, real, like, a little sassy seven-year-old kid. Yeah. It's kind of funny. So what happened to the kid with no brain? He's, like, two years old right now.

How? But really? I don't know. The doctor said he's only going to last a few minutes. And he lasted two years. Several minutes. And he's been a burden on his family for two whole years. Oh, they look so tired.

What a terrible story. They look so tired. They have to put a lamp over them. Right. Put a light bulb in his mouth. Let him be productive. Well, his sister knows she's the brains of the family.

Yeah! Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Fike. Zip, zip! We had this coach in high school whose son had this weird kind of brain disorder

where he reacted to things two hours late. He's no shit. He was like two hours in the past at all times, and that was the most miserable family I've ever seen in my entire life. It was just this tiny little piece of meat that would just cry for no reason. No, but if you know he reacts to things two hours late, you tell him two hours beforehand, and then he's right on time.

Unlike Michael Che, ladies and gentlemen, is that what happened to you? Are you this child? Why don't they just send him on long flights and shit and maybe a different time zone will fix everything. Just shipping it up. He's going to wag his brain around a little bit. Maybe he's on mountain time. Who knows?

This kid could be fucking brilliant in Colorado. Always 15 minutes early I love him That's a very bizarre condition I never heard of that one before Just fucking kill the kid No Eddie this kid is fine This guy was one of the most miserable people I've ever known in my life

Horrible alcoholic Cheated on his wife With a couple of high school girls. Oh, boy. That happened fairly often back home in the towns. They breed them nice back there.

There was one coach who was fucking this girl who was in high school. She was one of his students, and then whenever she graduated, they got married. I have the exact same story. And he kept his job. Yeah. Sean and Lisa, they dated. She was a senior in high school.

He was 22 and they dated. They got married now and I think they're still together. Oh, that's not that big of an age difference. This guy was in his 30s. I like those stories. That teaches kids to really, if you believe in yourself, you could fuck that teacher just try

yeah you know it shows because you think like all this time how many hot teachers you've had in your life and you thought

man I would love to fuck Miss Rivera but you don't you don't believe in yourself enough and they teach these kids Miss Rivera sounds real hot

yeah she's a Spanish that's a real lady man she was cool I could tell she was real can you describe describe this woman please describe this woman no you have love in your eyes

she had like a like a bob cut. I don't know where she was from. She was from some Spanish country company. She was from Spanish country, and she was hot. She had big cans. It was beautiful. Beautiful woman. Nice, big, round ass.

I didn't know a lick of Spanish, but I remember her big ass. I love it. I love big asses. Speaking of big asses, Denver just beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoff game. That's big news. Good lord. That's big news over here. Did you ever dream about her?

Did you ever think about her sexually? Did you ever jack off to your teacher? No, I never jacked off to her, but every time I saw her ass, I was like, wow. Do you think that kids would learn better if all teachers were forced to be attractive? No. Both men and women?

No. Because you didn't want anything. You don't think so? The best teacher that I ever had was 300 pounds. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

A man or a woman? Woman. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Attractive or ugly. You had an attractive one. No, no, no. The attractive teachers in school are horrible.

Yeah, the attractive teachers don't resign themselves to a life as a high school teacher, so they're out the door. They've got one foot out. That's true. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah don't resign themselves to a life as a high school teacher, so they're out the door. They've got one foot out. That's true. Absolutely. Only thing I learned in school was how to sell weed. Yeah, good, Eddie. But that is, to be

fair, that is because you did not go to class. So that was sort of the difference. It's how you got into Florida State. Put it on your transcript. I didn't get into Florida State. No, no. Eddie was the guy who sold drugs to all the college kids, and then he just never left the couch, and they were like,

I guess we're friends. And Ed was like, we are friends. And they were like, okay, get out of here. And then Ed started picking and choosing who he wanted around, and then he only kept the cool ones, and that's how Murph is formed. But he could have been a professional surfer. He was good with the waves. He was good out there, man.

All of his friends said he could have gone a million miles with that. I didn't even need a board. I just used my bare feet. Look at Eddie out there. You surfed on dolphins. You went to Mount Dolphins. That's the thing. Sharks go back home and they're like,

there was a big fucking surfboard guy out there. Man, I am not going to attack. I'm not going any closer to the shore. Yeah, that was terrifying. And that could talk to the sharks, which was another fascinating element of Edmure. Oh, man, I wish I could talk to sharks. What would you say to a shark, Jack?

They'd be so horrible to talk to. You think so? I just want to eat, eat, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. It's like talking to Marcus. I would teach you. I feel like talking to Marcus. I would teach a... I feel like sharks have to be able to... You know how, like, apparently... I don't know if this is an actual true fact

that only dolphins fuck for pleasure, right? Yeah, that's in dolphins. I would teach a shark how to fuck for pleasure. I feel like you would teach a shark how to fuck for pain. Sharks have fucked for pleasure. I feel like you would teach a shark how to fuck for pain. Sharks have fuck for pleasure. They fuck when a whale dies and they all come and they eat the whale together

and they have these big hungry orgies and they fuck each other. I have to say, I watched this video in the dark with Ed at 3 in the morning. Air Jaws! You have to see it. Does he join the high school football team

and score the winning touchdown? I don't want to ruin it. Jay, you were going to have something to say about Jackie fucking a shark? No, she said only animals. Dolphins and people. Dogs fuck anything. They don't fuck for pleasure.

Dogs look like they have a big ol' smile on their face. I know for a fact dogs feel very, very guilty when they fuck. I've broken them up many times. They are not happy about what they're doing. You can't leave a dog's penis because the end of the penis bulbs out.

They have to come. Yeah, they have to come or you can't leave. If they get too scared, one time we had the dogs in the backyard and they started fucking and they got real scared and somehow ended up ass to ass

but the dog couldn't get his dick out of them. And so we had to turn them around and help them thrust and fuck. And then that dog, the male dog,

actually had another problem after that where his balls would get turned inside out. How would nature have sorted that out if you hadn't been there? I love the way his balls react the same way I do when I'm in math class.

I'm just like, my brain had no idea. I'm inside out right now. We came home one time and the dog was in the backyard and his balls were inside out like on the dirt in the yard. What does it look like? It looks exactly

what you think it looks like. It's like Hellraiser. Yeah, and so like we took him to the vet and had to get him clipped. It was very sad. I imagine it looks like a jellyfish out of the water.

I was thinking two side up eggs. Yeah, the water. I was thinking sun-dried up eggs. Yeah, probably similar. Don't ruin those for me. I just got into them. Don't ruin them for me. That's the thing about dogs. That ass-to-ass thing they do is so weird. I had to break up Cheo and Lily.

She's a Maltese. He's a Russell Terrier. You can't have different breeds getting together. God knows. Labradoodles, no thank you. The pain on her poor little face. That's the thing. Get rid of them. It's a major problem.

Anyway, Che, you grew up in New York City. You ever see two rats try to fuck? How do they do it? Ass to ass rats. Ass to ass rats. Get me two rats. I got $2,000 and I want to see him go ass to ass

Just throwing your toenails at him And they're like oh better do it He got toenails I love toenails What about monkeys though Monkeys don't fuck for pleasure They jerk off that's for sure They rape each other

I'm actually with Che on this one I don't think that's true It is true Science has said it It's true It's at least a thing I've heard once. Dolphins are also very smart on a different level than a lot of other animals.

There were two scientists that said hey, dolphins, do something that we won't give you. A routine that we haven't given you yet. Make something up. They did that in improvised. In sign language. And they did it. They made it up. If only the in sign language and they did it. They made it up.

If only the football team were more like the animal. Isn't that right? Marcus just googled fuck for pleasure and then all kinds of horrible things. Let's see here. First thing up, I'm imagining this is a rapper named Pleasure P

and the song is called How to Fuck and then there's a porno and you put it in and she fucking hates you. Alright, the lyrics. Here's the lyrics to How to Fuck. Cut the music up a little louder.

Yeah, yeah. Cut the music up? That doesn't make sense. Marcus Cooper with another bedroom banger. She had a lot of crooks trying to steal her heart. Never really had looked. Couldn't ever figure out how to fuck. How to fuck.

Yeah. You weren't raping her. This is a story of a man raping a woman. She had a lot of niggas that couldn't go forever. She never had a real orgasm until I taught her how to fuck. I taught her how to fuck. taught her how to fuck, yeah It's a popular song For a second she was

It was really hard to bear that I was Justin Egan But that really taught her how to fuck Taught her how to fuck, yeah There's precious few rhymes in that There's precious few, I want to She should have been reading that entire thing Oh man, I love the next line She didn't know how to cock

No, she didn't know how to cook. Oh man. She knew how to doodle-do though. Now that the podcast is entirely derailed with the worst lyrics I've ever heard in my entire fucking life. How's it feel, Che? How's it feel what your people

are doing? I'm so happy. I'm happy with this award. He's just holding up the round table award. Did we say what the round table of the year award actually was? It's a piece of paper that Eddie wrote round tabler of the year award on. Yeah, and I put a pentagram. That's not a pentagram. It's not?

No, no, no. Pentagram's upside down. That's just a... A star with a circle around it. That's just a nice star. And there's a guy bending over about to get a dick in his ass. Grand's upside down. That's just a... A star with a circle around it. That's just a nice star. And there's a guy bending over about to get a dick in his ass. But it's squirting on him.

Couldn't quite make it in. If he was upside down, what would that mean? If you were to teach a girl how to fuck, what would you tell her? I wouldn't have to tell her anything because the answers would be in my eyes. Now you should be writing songs. He literally writes the answers on his eyes.

He tattoos them on his eyes and it just says, you know, left leg. Marcus, get off of the internet. Well, I found a Tumblr page that's called allfucker.tumblr.com That sounds legit. No, it's real. And what it's actually called is All Kind of Fuck is Pleasure. I am a man who believes

that any kind of sex can give us pleasure, no matter the partner. This may be a woman or a man or a transsexual. In the same way, no matter how many people are participating, however, a transsexual in the same way no matter how many people They must be real, isn't it? How many people are participating? However, it is important to older

than 18 years. It is important. Oh shit, this is awesome. Wow. Holy shit. These girls are very pretty. Describe what's happening. I have no fucking idea. Alright, so yeah, first picture is just a regular... Hot ass.

Wow. I like that hot ass preamble before just the series of porno. Wow. That's great. Holy shit. That is a huge thing up that girl's ass. These girls are so close. What is the thing, Marcus?

Oh, what a great black ass. It looks like a vase or a glass. It's a sea bass. It's a. Okay. Oh, it's my. It's a picture of me and my wife. Oh, that's in her butt.

This is just a black chick sucking a white dude's dick, Marcus. We've all seen this. It's not Joe. Who cares? Oh, that's a big dick in that butthole. Oh, no. All right, turn back. It doesn't matter. It's just normal porn. It's just so bad.

It starts off with a poem. She's sucking his balls. She's sucking his balls. She's sucking his balls, ladies and gentlemen. Now she's using a vagina? No, that's a rabbit. I used to work in a sex store that sold rabbits. It's just not perfect on the radio. What's happening right now?

She's sucking a dick now. No, another chick. And relatively, they're small penises to some degree. What? I don't like dicks that big. That's real. No. I mean, have you seen penises larger than that? I mean, I have What? I don't like dicks that big. That's real. No. I mean, have you seen penises

larger than that? I mean, I have. But I don't enjoy... What's the largest penis that you've ever had inside of you? The largest one was actually the guy I lost my virginity to. And it felt like... How big was it? It was like a tennis racket handle. Wow. Wait, like the end of it?

Or like the middle part of it? Like the end of it. Like where you hold on to The nub part It wasn't broad and wide Yeah it wasn't With like strings on it And so you did not like it She got fucked by a waffle

I thought she was gonna say A tennis ball The canister thing Like the Pringles can Oh wow When you said tennis I was like Jesus Amber

So Amber This was the first guy you banged Did you feel like You were just doing it wrong? That all dicks were supposed to be this size? Did you not realize that that was an abnormally large member at the time? I did for years. I was like, well, of course all men's dicks are like, you know, seven inches and like big girth,

like you can't reach your hand around it kind of thing. My God. I mean, that's like normal size, right? How old were you, six? A seven. No, I was about 18. That's so sad that you had to lose your virginity to such a big monster cuck. It must have hurt so bad.

It didn't hurt as much, but it was just like, it wasn't, I don't know. It was the typical virgin experience. Yeah. Well, not really typical. Did his balls go inside out afterwards? That would be hot. Because then he was fucking big. He wasn't a boxer.

Was it ass to ass? Ass to ass. Now, men with huge dicks look like they... It looks like a worm. It looks like a disgusting, fat thing I would find in the goddamn Amazon. And I don't want it inside of me. Because it probably has teeth. That's all that I can think of.

Overall, dicks can be too big. When you see a huge dick, like a really big one, all you can think of is teeth. Yeah, it's got teeth inside of it. And if it puts it inside of me... Exactly. Exactly.

Or, um, Langeleers? Do you think there's a shame that goes along with men who have huge dicks? I know one. Donkey dick. Donkey dick. Donkey dick. Yeah, it's the insult.

And then you laugh at them. Get the fuck out of here, donkey dick. That's mean. I was about to say. It's just the opposite end of the spectrum. So have you girls ever gotten together and talked in your own girl circles about some dude who has a huge dick and you just laugh at him? You're like, it's so big and disgusting and weird.

And you know why? You know why? Because it's always the nasty dudes that have the biggest dicks. Exactly. And they think it's so great. It's always the nasty little's always the nasty dudes that have the biggest dicks. Exactly. And they think it's so great. It's always the nasty little squirmy weird dudes that have the biggest, weirdest dicks. Yeah, we had this kid, Billy Joe Sanchez. Oh, man.

Yeah. He's got a 10-inch dick. Yeah, yeah. It was like this huge, weird, uncircumcised dick. Sounds like a redneck Mexican. It's the whole... It's exactly what he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the whole R. Crumb thing. Yeah. We were in the locker room once spraying water bottles at everyone. And we sprayed water bottles at the kid. And all of a sudden you were not spraying a water bottle anymore. All of a sudden it was not a water bottle. We were just spraying cum.

But yeah, you spray water at the kid and it was really cold and he turned around. And he literally turned around and his dick followed him. He turned around first and the dick came second. Who was the other guy who did Jumper Jacks in the street with the big dick? That would be Bobby Muley.

Oh, the Muleys. I forgot about that. His name's Mule and he's got a big dick. And also inbred. Ladies, have you ever laughed at a man when he whipped out a huge cock? Because I assume in the male brain he's like, I'm giving you the biggest gift of all time. And then when you shun him with laughter

it must just completely devastate his ego. Have you ever done that? How do you react when you look at a dick that's just too big to fit you? It's more frightening. I had a girl tell me that she was about to hook up with a dude and he had this fucking huge, huge dong. And he pulled it out and she's like,

oh no, you're not going to put that in me. Whoa! He got cock-blocked by his own cock! Yeah, man. Oh, that's awful! Jay, do you ever have that happen to you? Never. Interesting. He's only half a walking stereotype. He's late but no big dick dude that was like an

adonis in college just tan he was like one of these like the best actors in the acting school and all the girls loved him and he couldn't fuck girls because his dick was so big that he wanted to fuck these tiny little hot 18 year olds and he couldn't get it inside of them. He could only get like half of it inside. And I remember because he lived with Doug and so he would be across the hall and I would just hear, oh, stop, stop. And a dolphin's in there raping her.

He's got to get some juice, some lubies. I mean, chicks with huge tits can get the reduction. Is there a dick reduction that exists in this world? You can't really do any surgery on the dick. God, what a weird, like... You got to do, like, a charity dinner for big dick dudes or something? I want to! I need to save them!

Bow tie, man. It's sad! It's got to be the Jerry Lewis of fucking huge muscular dicks. Muscular dicks, for a phrase. Yeah, muscular dstrap race. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That was great. That was good. You win. Coe, Coe, you guys share that one. That was pretty good. That was awful. Yo, we got to get some tuxedos, man. We can do this charity show.

We'll do it. We'll do it. Get people to sing. It'd be great. Man, I just didn't realize The plight that these Poor men have They do Because who wants to

Have that inside of you That's like somebody Shoving like a bowling ball In your butthole Yeah Exactly like that Yeah Wrong guy to talk to

About that sort of thing Yeah He likes it Yeah He likes it any which way My friend Speaking of getting dicked Your brother's having a kid

Right Amber? He is He's having a kid, right, Amber? He is. He's having a child. He's banged his ex, his girlfriend. His ex? I'm sorry, not his ex. His real girlfriend. Okay.

Good, good, good. And for the second time in a row, that'll be fun. She is half black, so that's the first time we're having a mix in the family. I think it's wonderful. A mix in the family. Oh, that's nice. Nelson's mixing it up. It's a quarter. It's a sprinkle. It's not a mix in the family. I think it's wonderful. A mix in the family. Oh, that's nice. Nelson's mixing it up. It's a quarter.

It's a sprinkle. It's not a mix. Yeah, that's the thing. I got the fucking salad or some shit. It's a mixed black salad. Yeah, exactly. I feel like it's like when we brought the artichoke dip this Christmas. I can't believe the artichoke dip.

You never bring it. I would love to have a Christmas movie titled The Mix in the Family. So the baby's going to be one fourth black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never met her, but my mom can be super crazy with new people. New babies. New babies. So a lot of people never really bring their new boyfriends or girlfriends over.

I certainly haven't. And my brother... And, of course, Nick Vattera, your wonderful boyfriend. Oh, yeah, he's great. Well, my mom, she also lives in Mississippi, so that's kind of far for him to go. Oh, yeah. My other brother, who's married with kids, he just kind of showed up one day. We hadn't seen him for about a year.

Shows up one day with this kid, a two-year-old kid, and a nine-month pregnant girlfriend. And he says, hey, I'm married. This is the kid. This is the baby from her previous marriage. And then we had to take care of this kid for like a week. While they left on their honeymoon. Two-year-olds are fun, though. How many brothers are we

talking about? Three older brothers. Gotcha. And they all got chicks pregnant. Two of them. One of them's gay. Well, he would have been covered. He fucks for pleasure. My mom did say it because... That's the third species that fucks for pleasure.

Yeah. That's true. Are humans the only ones that can be gay? No, no, no. That's a penguin. There's a penguin. That's gotta be fucking for pleasure. A penguin, if he's fucking gay, that's nothing.

They don't know, though. I don't think they know. I watched a rabbit fuck a kitten. That seemed like the rabbit was having a good time. Yeah. I guess so. Fucking like a rabbit. When did that happen?

Did you take a photo? I had a garage sale when I was a child. When did that happen? Did you take a photo? I had a garage sale when I was a child. You had a garage sale? They were selling the rabbit fucking the cat for like 15 bucks. It'll fuck it. We were selling it separately, but now they have to be bought together. Yeah, what are you guys selling? Scarring memories.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be a great show if you could just get random animals, put them in a box, like a rabbit and a fox, and call it Will It Fuck? I love it. It's going to happen when the Mexicans take over the world. That's going to be my television.

I want that to happen. Can we get Aztec-ia out here, please? I love it. Keeping up with the Kardashians. Hell yeah, it is. We know those animals fuck. They're disgusting. Yeah, man. Fight the Kardashians.

That's the first time we've ever mentioned them. It really is. Oh, and probably the last. They should edit it out. Let's hope. Let's just get rid of that. I'm the round table of the year. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Congratulations. Hey, wait. Is your name spelled wrong? Absolutely. Oh, my God. My keel. My keel. Idiot.

My keel. My keel. Eddie is the dumbest. That's why I was like, I think this is wrong. And I just kind of like, fuck it. I hope it's wrong. Oh, my God. I was going to ask someone.

I was like, you know what? Fuck it. And we proved for the second time this show that Eddie did not go to college. Once again, he sold weed in college. You know what I did? Did not go to class. My only class for two years of college was newspaper. I wrote on the newspaper.

That's the only thing I did in college. What did you write about in the newspaper? I wrote I did a weekly Burt Reynolds review of a movie. And then... All right. These articles And then... Hold on! All right! What was the Burt Reynolds review? Give me a lowdown.

Every week I would review a different Burt Reynolds movie. Okay, so what was one of your favorite Burt Reynolds films? Hooper is amazing. It's about the greatest stuntman who ever lived. Okay, and how was Burt's performance in Hooper? He's phenomenal! He knocks it out of the park! I reviewed Boogie Nights.

He was nominated for an Oscar. I think it's a very well acted movie. Not enough kicking. What about Striptease? I didn't review Striptease. I do like his performance in Striptease, but he just can't get past the Demi Moore

tits. Don't you have to be registered at the university to write for the university paper? I was at community college and I wrote for the community college paper. I love how much you slurred. By the way, how much you slurred during community college. Community college.

Community college paper. I was also a cop for two years. I think it's funny, though, because Bert Reynolds went to Florida State. I think it's funny that you wrote a column for Tallahassee Community College. Oh, wow. Someone that didn't even go there. What did you major in at Tallahassee Community College? I didn't major in anything. You even go there. What did you major in at Tallahassee Community College? I didn't major in anything.

You were just there. I dropped every class every semester except for newspaper production. It was the only time I showed up in school was to write for the paper. We actually met Burt Reynolds. He came and talked to us. Oh, yeah. He's a sleazebag. Really?

What was that? He seemed drunk. He seemed genuine. I'm sure he was. Yeah, he was drunk. What did he say? Was there a motivation in his speech? Not really.

He just kind of seemed like he was treading water. I mean, it really... He seemed happy to have a place to go. I think he even taught an acting class. He taught an intro to film acting class. That's so good. My girlfriend at the time was in the class, and he tried to kiss her while on screen with her.

Really? Yeah. He tried to kiss pretty much every girl in my class except for me. He loved you. That means he loved you. Good enough for him. No, you were too good for him.

I didn't show enough cleavage. I didn't do enough. I should have put more lipstick on. Jackie, Burt Reynolds wanted to fuck you. He wanted to be with you. He wanted to marry you. But if it wasn't for all of Eddie's negative reviews about him, he would have been with you.

Oh, they were glowing. Everyone. Pleasure. I heard Jamie Foxx said in an interview, like he did a movie with Burt Reynolds, and all he would do is come and talk about all of the most famous actors that he fucked. Like who? Who was the most famous actress he fucked?

I don't know. Probably Demi Moore. I bet you you banged Demi Moore. Who was the chick that, Lonnie Anderson, with those huge, those huge knockers? Oh, yeah.

Lonnie Anderson. Sally Field was so hot in those movies, man. She was in Hooper 2. She was just such a prized piece back in the day. I want to know more about Hooper. There's a Hooper 2? No, I don't know if there's a Hooper 2. No, I think it's a film so far.

Hooper is the greatest stuntman who ever lived. And the movie is just an excuse to have elaborate stunts. It's like a car chase to a bar fight. What did you give it? Five Hoopers. You gave Hooper. One golden Hooper.

That's great. Where did you go to school, Amber? I went to college at Louisiana State University. Got a scholarship. Nice. Tomorrow's the big game. Are you ready? Do you know about it?

National championship. I don't even know. You guys could win all the whole beans tomorrow. Oh, my God. Yeah, you got to watch it. It's going to be exciting. It's so much to me. What did you major in over there?

Oh, I majored in theater. Ah, you're amongst good company. Everyone else did. Didn't we all? I didn't major in theater. Political science over here. Creative writing. Hey, well look at you now.

Oh, damn. You've done so well. Michael, what university did you go to? I got my general education diploma. From what? It was GED. Oh, from GED. The city of New York.

I went to City Tech for like two months and made it in architecture and didn't go to a class. Winning! Yeah! I like it! You're so attractive. At least you're the most attractive person in the room. And first Charlie Sheen reference of the year. Winning.

I'm about to have a fucking year. Yeah, you can do it. Michiel Che. Michiel Che. Michiel. I'm taking it. Michiel. Hey, folks.

Is there any stories out there in the universe that you got? In the universe? Yeah, I got one. A Denver woman, apparently incredibly drunk and not a fan of modern art, has been arrested for attacking a $30 million painting at a Denver museum. Witnesses said Carmen Tish

pulled her pants down, punched Clifford Stills 1957 J number 2 repeatedly, and then slid her bare ass down the painting, apparently trying to urinate on it. Wow! Instead, she collapsed in a heap and urinated on herself.

I have never wanted to be a painting so bad in my life. That's such a great metaphor for life in general. I mean, all I have to say is I've been in museums a bunch. How badly have I ever wanted to do any one of those acts? Exactly. How I see a painting in to do any one of those acts? How I see a painting in front of me and I'm just like, I just want to do something retarded to it. So dumb! Do something that creates havoc in the museum.

Like that one chick who just sat across the table and stared at the people. They could come and sit for 15 minutes at a time. Just sit down and start beating off. You just want to go and piss on her, jack off on her. Abramovich, I believe, is who you're talking about. The MoMA. Oh, Abramovich or the MoMA.

Well, who knows about it? I know this shit. What's a piece of art that you've seen that you're like, I can do that better. This needs to be taken down. I will murder this shit. I was thinking about, well, what was it? DeKunig just came through with the women pieces

And he drew all weird women It was abstract and they had horse faces Sounds great We love horse faces It's my mommy Give me mom, thank you Mommy is horse Thank you for finally giving me my mom

On a painting Now I just want to smear my my poo-poo on her thighs and then kiss. Oh my god. You are gross tonight, Holden. How many times did they fight for her? So she's in this museum

in Denver, yeah? So in every room in the museum, there's always a guard. There's always a guard looking at you. She goes so far as to pull down her pants and rub her ass up and down on the painting. So she got that far.

So how squirrely was she? Was she just like dodging guys? The painting is perfectly on her ass right now. Here's what a spokeswoman for the local district attorney's office says. You have to wonder where her friends are. That's what a spokeswoman for the local district attorney's office says. You have to wonder where her friends are. That's what you're wondering?

They're fucking dead in a river. Yeah, exactly. She killed them before she went to the museum. I used to work at a museum and all those security guards wished that shit would happen. They want that. They're the last line of defense. They wish somebody would just come and take a shit on this artwork.

The artwork that's worth more than their yearly salaries. Just for something to do. I agree. And frankly... You know, this is actually kind of a shitty painting. It is a shitty painting.

Look at it. Even shittier now. Fuck that painting! But there is nothing more artistic to happen than it looks like a high school goth kid painted their room.

How many things have you ever painted? Come on. It doesn't matter. There's no reason that anyone should pay any money for that piece of garbage when they're starving kids in fucking Indonesia. Mike is right. Ben is wrong. Eddie, we've got to get a mugshot description for this woman.

She is, I don't know. She looks perturbed, but she used to be cute. She's tiny. She looks like she was cute and had good ideas and then just got fucking abused. She's on a rap sheet. She's got armed robbery and a DUI.

Art school dropout. Art school dropout written all over it. Absolutely. Art school dropout. Armed robbery. That's pretty impressive. Give her an honorary degree. She made that a piece of art she wiped her ass across a fucking shitty painting now it's art now it's more expensive

maybe she both painted it and vandalized it to publicize it she did not paint it I feel like if someone took a picture of her wiping her ass on that painting and the painting was up there still with that picture right next to it the The piece of art has just gone up millions and millions of dollars.

Ed, you see a sexy painting in a museum. You have no inhibitions anymore. They've all dropped away. What do you do to that painting? Lassay your life. Set it on fire. Come on it. Try to put it out. Try to put it out with your cum. Yeah, yeah. Dance it good. That's a lot of...

Fuck it. That's a lot of come. That piece of art is nothing good. That guy climbed up the political ranks of the artist community and he got his stupid fucking painting to get it to the museum. Oh, the artist community of Denver. Does it say that... Well, yeah, but it's a national museum though. Pick out that specific painting

or was it just like she just went crazy? Maybe the ass is really itched. And she was like, that looks like a piece of toilet paper looks like my three-dimensional ass is realer than this two-dimensional piece of canvas i mean this woman's being charged with a felony here yeah she's being charged with a class b felony put glass around it then what are we savages huh well how is that a felony? Pissing on a patent?

Yeah, criminal mischief. A person, here's the legal code, a person is guilty of criminal mischief in the first degree when with intent to damage property of another person and having no right to do so, nor any reasonable ground to believe that he has such right, he damages property of another person by means of an... It's not a person.

No, wait, no, wait. another person by means of an... It's not a person. No, wait, wait, wait. That's by means of an explosive. That's a... This is a Class D felony. Oh. Oh, it's fine. Yeah, yeah. An amount exceeding $1,500. She's definitely an article. She's a class... Yeah, she's a...

She's got armed robbery and a Class D felony. She can't even get a good grade on her felony, man. But that's gotta be some person because for you, for a woman, like for a guy to piss on, I can piss on anything,

but for a woman to be able to take her pants completely off and let her leg to reach a painting that's on the wall and pee on it, she had to really be motivated, man. And that fucking guard

just stood there and watched her do the whole shit because she wanted to see how it ended. Loving it. It's something personal. Amber, what piece of art would you like to piss on the most? Oh, shitters.

What famous painting out there? There's Whistler's Mother, the Mona Lisa. Those are the only two. That's it? And that's all that's ever been painted? And then the one with the fruit, though, in the dish? The fruit in the dish? That one, right?

Fruit in the dish again. I guess any Jackson Pollock stuff I'd like to take a big hot shit on. It would make it better. Yeah, it would make it better. People wouldn't even notice. That's the problem. Yeah, absolutely. It already looks like diarrhea stains.

It's just like little... It looks like sharts. Just massive sharts. Yeah, and people are paying $20 million. And you're right, really. There's people starving all over the world. And you're going to pay $20 million. And don't get me wrong, because I've painted, I've drawn

for many years of my life. I love the craft. $20 million for this piece? It's stupid. You can feed someone that's going to die. $30 million. AIDS medication. Make that cheaper. Come on.

What picture would you paint if you were an amazing artist? What do you fucking show? What are you going to fucking put on canvas? I would probably paint the color blue in some sort of way that would elevate the spirit of the world. I'd paint something

with horns. I want someone to wipe their ass on your painting. I like yours. You asked me an honest question and I tried to answer it. And we've got a segment from Holy Grail. Alright, it's called the Roundtable Rumble. Rumbling with the Roundtable. Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble.

Ask different people what they think who would win in a fight in certain circumstances You have to answer truthfully Marcus is going to find some sort of scoring pattern For this To make it into, fake its way into a game Some way Let's start off with an easy one

Ed, we're just going to go Amber vs. Jackie Amber vs. Jackie A white walled room Just like a clean empty room. Amber versus Jackie. Why? Why are they fighting? That's the ultimate. Boxing scores. What's up? Boxing

scores. I don't know how to do boxing scores. What are we fighting for? So we're doing rounds? Yeah, 12 rounds total. They're fighting for a child. For a child. Whose child? We don't know. We don't know whose child it is.

The one they want. The decision will be made who wins the fight. And we'll cut the baby in half. And Jackie wants to be pregnant this year. I said pregnant this year. Doesn't mean you don't like children. How's this fight going to go down, though? I'm going to be a beautiful mother, god damn it.

Okay. You would be a good mother, Jackie. I believe it now. You would be a good mother. I believe in you. Thank you, Amber. No, you guys are fighting. How's this going to go down?

I mean, they're pretty much just like simple clothes. Here's what I see. There's a baby and a bastard. A bastard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bastard and a bastard. And we will cut that baby in half. And whoever is the mother of that baby, come forth.

This is how the fight starts. And then Jackie says, no, we're not going to cut the baby in half. I want all of it. Well, yeah, of course. I'm very humane. And then Amber kicks her in the face. Nimble.

There it is, nimble and quick. It's only because my boots have wood on them. The first bout, Jackie loses. Jackie, how do you deal with this? You're next to answer. I would take the baby and rip it to fucking shreds. And then Zach should have the hammer. Scorched earth tactics.

Jackie, you've got one coming your way. Ed and a bear versus Ben and a tiger. Ooh. Hmm. Where are they? They are in the desert. The desert? Yeah.

Desert. Big heat. So no one's in their natural habitat. No one's in their natural habitat. No one's in their natural habitat. Big heat. We'll just be like both in the corner sucking up cactus juice. I would say, okay, I'm going to go ahead, throw it out there.

Bear needs water more than anything. Tiger needs tree more than anything. Tiger does not need tree. Tiger does not need tree. Also, describe Ben and Ed physically. Oh, ragged

and torn. They had to walk from New York to the desert. That's what I'm saying. To fight with their animal? Or does the animal meet up there? They had to form a bond with their animal. Is this in America? Who knows?

I'm going to go ahead and say, since they have to go from New York to the desert with their animal friend, Who bonds better? They have to bond. So I'm going to go ahead and say desert with their animal friend. Who bonds better? They have to bond. I'm going to go ahead and say that Ed would bond better with a bear than

Kissel would bond with a tiger. Tigers are meaner than bears. I'm real happy I got that. I think that Ed could get a fish for a bear. I don't think that Kissel could get an antelope for a tiger. I think that's what they eat.

What? And in the back, there you go. That's good. I can get a fucking tiger some food. Alright, Fike.

Fike, we're gonna go We're gonna go Marcus versus Che Oh god, okay Che has a Oh, and by the way, I've made a new rule now On any kind of contest Or question that involves me

Eddie scores it Alright, that's gonna score this So do I, should I even say anything? No, no, no, yes. I'll score the fuck out of you, bro. Marcus versus Che. Okay. Alright. Che has a baseball bat. Okay. A Louisville slugger.

Okay. Marcus has an unloaded gun. Uh-oh. The bullets of the gun, though, are located in the far corner of the room behind Che. Okay. You're in a room. of the room behind Che. Okay. You're in a room. You're in a room.

That's a really good question. So Marcus, in order to load the gun, has to cross Che's path. Gotta get somehow around Che, has to trick him with riddles. What kind of gun? Riddles. He is smarter than Marcus. Let me figure this out. What kind of gun is it?

I'm going to go with a standard handgun. I'm saying it's like a peacemaker, like an old west six shooter. The kind of handgun you get at Resident Evil, like the first gun you get. And you just need it. So it has a clip.

It's an automatic. You just pop the clip in. All you have to do is pop the clip in. So basically, we'll say that if he got the bullets, the story would be over. Essentially, maybe. Depending on your shooting. I mean, how far away is Che by the time he pops that clip? Well, here's the thing.

Che, I'm just meeting you tonight, man. I don't know. I've been afraid of Marcus for a long time. The thing is, I'm not sure that Marcus doesn't have the kind of inspector gadget helicopter for a head, where he can just pop one of those out and fly over the person. No, but I

could, Marcus, I bet you could roll. I bet you could do like a covert roll. Oh no, I've already played this entire scenario. What do you think? How would you handle that situation? If I have a baseball bat, the last thing you want to do is roll on the ground. That's true, because now he has a golf club.

He might not get up. Hey man, I'm just saying. I don't know. I had to take a guess. He doesn't have the bullets in the gun. It doesn't bode well. That's all I can say. Hey, let me ask you. Did you play football in high school? No. I did play baseball. First base,

second base, pitcher, catcher. Tell me about the home run. It stuck me in right field with all the non-athletes. I played running back in high school. I'm getting past you and getting those fucking bullets. Well, it's going to be a really long night. Anybody in marching band in high school. I'm getting past you and getting to those fucking bullets. Well, it's going to be a really long night. Anybody in marching band

in high school? Yep, right here. I myself was. Clarinet, what did you play? Drums. Drums? What kind of drums? What did you play? I played marching bass drum, snare drum, tritone, quad tom. I played snare drum. Wow.

This just got nerdy and boring. Yeah, boring. It really did. Got real nerdy and boring. I got one, right? Did I win? Who wins this fight? Yeah, who wins the fight?

I got to go with Che on this one. Yeah. Oh, of course. Look at him. I'm not going to disagree. I'm not going to disagree. You just pressed buttons. Eddie just reached over.

Didn't even look at you. I know what I pressed. All right, Amber Amber God damn it We're going to have to skip Ben Fucked up my whole scoring system now Ben went to go piss or something like that And we're not sure He's going to go watch these boys kick this ball on the grass

Yeah kick the ball in the field So Amber We're going to go with Jackie and Ed Versus Che and versus Che and Ben. Che and Ben have a tank. Jackie and Ed

have a fighter plane. I'll let you know right now. He just picked them. I'm going to throw in a wild card Ben just got back Ben you're in a tank? I'm in a tank I'm gonna throw in a wild card

There is a T-Rex loose in the area A wild T-Rex I would go with the fighter pilot Just because tanks I've never seen a tank head Come all the way up 360. To get the plane,

they can only go so far. Who's in a plane? Eddie, you're in a plane? Me and Jack, you're flying a fighter jet. You and Che are in a tank. We're totally going to win, man. The inspiration of Michael Che when he gives the final speech is going to be so huge. I'm going to throw this out. The iteration of Michael Che when he gives the final speech is going to be so huge.

I'm going to throw this out. The tank has a jammer that can jam the plane's signal. You've been playing Arkham Asylum or Batman Game, whatever it's called. It has a jammer, so their missiles aren't going to necessarily hit, so it's going to take quite a bit

for the plane to shoot. I'm pretty sure the fighter jet was invented to defeat the tank. Yeah, that's true. But you also have to ask yourself, who is more likely to figure out their machine of death? Are these two guys, Ben

and Michael, more likely to figure out a tank, or is Jackie more likely to figure out a jet? The thing is that I've watched Air Force One more times than I can remember. Get off of my plane. That's pathetic.

Now tanks do take down planes. We would take down your plane immediately. We would find you on a little sonar there. We'd go back to chiefing up the fucking weed. I don't feel like we'd have a chance. The things can't go up. They can. There's a whole. The things can't go up. They can. I'd have a better chance on her.

There's a whole series of different weapons on them now. There's a whole bunch of different weapons on them now. I feel like me and Jackie with handguns and Ben, Che, and a tank, we'd have a better chance. Absolutely. Even with the T-Rex running around, you would definitely still have a better chance on her.

What's the T-Rex up to right now? It's wild. It doesn't even know. If you're moving. Yeah, what's the T-Rex up to right now? We haven't even checked it. It's wild. It doesn't even know. If you're moving a lot, it's going to go after you, you know? It's wild. So, okay, should we move on? Yeah, well, Amber, who wins? Oh, wait.

You know what? I go with the, I still say the plane wins. All right. No, the plane wins. There's no way the plane wins. If the plane wins, the plane is. All right, Ben, we skipped you. We're going to go back to you now.

It's going to be Fike versus Marcus. Marcus is a frog and Fike is five crickets. Oh, fuck. Five, motherfucker. But Marcus hates frogs. So it's an eternal struggle. Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot going on with this question. Marcus might kill himself in this scenario by shoving a firecracker up his own nose. So I'm basically like an overmind of five crickets all working as one. All working as one. You all can communicate and teamwork.

Create an attack. Your job is to just stay alive. Obviously. I'm not going to try to eat a frog. Well, yes, but then again, you could penetrate the anus of the frog, but if Marcus hates frogs, he will try to kill himself. It just depends on how he does it.

Not necessarily. Well, I am saying necessarily. Where are we? Are we in a swamp? Or are we in the danger room of the X-Men? You're in the mountains. You're in a mountainous region. Oh, so there's not a lot of water around. No, there are creeks.

There are streams and creeks and mountains. Oh, so there's a creek and a mountain. No, it's the mountains. There's creeks and streams. It's a crook. There's no frogs in mountains. I'm giving the edge to Fike because he has five little crickets there. I'm going to say, you also should know Fyke's father is a military man.

Exactly. So he will strategically take the entire, he will be on top of the body of the frog. He'll get him both ears, start saying, hey, you're not good enough. You're not good enough. Hey, you should go for a swim. Yada, yada, yada.

And, or be like, hey, maybe you're hungry. He's going to plug up with one of these fellas right in the anus of the frog so there'll be no poo-poo allowed. So maybe you'll eat yourself to death. Well, you're talking about a psychological warfare. Exactly. Because you're far too tiny to take him out physically.

So he'll plug up the anus, tell him, hey, maybe you should eat some food, maybe you should go for a swim. Whatever it is, he's going to either drown you or make you eat yourself to death. There you go. I like it. Beautiful. Eddie. Alright. And Eddie. Alright. And Eddie has scored.

Alright. We got Che. Alright, Che, round tabler of the year. Round tabler of the year. Thank you. Round tabler of the year. McKeel Che. McKeel Che holding up his

score. It is the original round table. Kevin could not be here tonight. We're bringing Kevin into this. It's the original five of the round table. It is all five of us against each other and we are all gods. Okay. What gods are each of us?

Unlimited powers. Unlimited powers. God of water, god of sand. You're the god of sand. And by the way, God of Water, God of Sand. Okay, you're the God of Sand. Jackie's the God of... No, Jackie's... Jackie is not an original round tabler. Oh.

Episode 2 is when Jackie came. Well, none of it. He's the original. I'm talking from the original. All right. I'm not an original round tabler. The six of us, yeah. Jackie is the God of Flame.

Oh. Ed is the God of... We said Water, right? Sand. Sand. Sand. Ben... Ben... The God of Knowledge. water right? Sand The god of knowledge Yeah but sand can put out flame

Ben is the god And it's been around forever Ben is the god of cum Kevin is the god Of Jamaica I am the god of glasses He has a hundred thousand bucks What am I?

Mark is the god of glasses. He has 100,000 bucks. Yeah. What's Marcus the god? Wait, what am I? Marcus is the god of just fucking... Oh, punching. Punching. Punching. Yeah! He's the god of... He gives the most punches. I got cut knuckles.

Yeah, he's got cut knuckles. Tell us what we're all gods and goddesses of after this. After you're done with the thing. Tell us. I gotta... You know what? I'll be honest with you. I gotta go Jackie because I think she's got the meanest streak.

She's got, you know, the female of any species is the most vicious of the species. It is. And she's got fire. Fire. She's like cocaine cowboys. Fire burns cum. And you just be glass. And you, what are you, punching?

That's what I've been assigned You seem like you have a mean streak too But you also seem like you're a very sensitive guy Yeah that is true Those big blue eyes You can't stay mad at us I can't stay mad at you guys I love you guys so much

And I liked Jamaica better when it was called Haiti So I'm gonna go So I'm going to go... So I'm going to go Jackie, the mother... I got to go the mother of the show. The fire mother. I agree. All right, so here's what we're going to have to do. We're going to have to ask Amber here to score that question

because you're not involved in it. Oh, whoa. You have a moment. He's going to give the scores first for the first and then you'll score at the end. No, she actually has to give the scores first. You have to score Michael right now.

I'm going to be kind of drunk and I'm going to ask what was the question? The dog. Who would win in all of us in a fight? Jackie won. Oh, Jackie definitely wins. So what's the score? Oh, Jackie gets about a billion points.

One billion. A billion. You don't see that every day. And everybody gets about a... Which means Michael gets a billion. Michael gets a billion as well. Michael gets a billion as well. Shall I say, me child.

All right, starting at the beginning, Amber, you get aillion. Michael's hard. Shall I say me child? Alright, starting at the beginning. Amber, you get a three. Oh. Ouch. Eddie, you get an eight. I don't even

know what these points are for. Ben, you get a 67. Thank you. I give it to you. Thank you, Ed. Jackie, you get

a 74. Wow. Fike, you get 999. Yeah! Watch out, motherfucker. And Michael Che

wins with a bill. The Roundtable of the Year! That's for the Roundtable. Gentlemen, please. Speech, speech, speech. Come on, speech. Speech, speech, speech. Michael, close out tonight's show.

Thank you so much for the Roundtable. I am the Roundtable of the Year. We got Marcus Parks. out tonight's show. Thank you so much for the roundtable. I am the roundtable of the year. We got Marcus Box. And we got Jackie. And we got Mike. Fike. Rabbi. Rabbi Fike.

And we got Ben Kissel. Evan Nelson. And Holden McNeely. And Kevin Bunnett sucks. I'm better. Thank you. Man, you are so much better. Don't edit that out.

I won't. Of course I won't. You think I'm going to pass up on a chance to tell Kevin he sucks? Oh, he's adorable. He's our little puppy.