The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 79-80: Nine and a Half Inches

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Hoo boy! On this, the eightieth episode of the Round Table, comedian Michael Shawki joins us in the studio to tell a tale so amazing, it damn near rendered us speechless. That's right. He's been doing porn. PORN. Tune in to hear answers to all the questions you've ever had about the making of a porno movie, including secrets of the industry and his "encounter" with Nailin' Palin star Lisa Ann.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hold it. Okay, everyone please bow your heads and cup your balls and prepare for a guided

meditation with Holden McNeely. You are a bird flying through the sky. You lift out of the creek in the cave and you fly up high into the air. You fly to the house you grew up in. You fly. You see the house below you. You fly into a little window

and there she is. There's mom. You see your mother. She's wearing that dress that makes you feel sinful and wrong. You literally just said no mommy stuff.

Your wings are becoming little arms and hands and wrong that the priest said it. You literally just said no mommy stuff. And then your wings are becoming little arms and hands and your tail feathers are becoming little cocks or vagina. Why don't you just turn off his mic? She says, hey, you know, I made

the cupcakes. And you say, mommy, I don't want cupcakes. I want something more. Something real with you. Do you want like a different food? She's like... Like a ham. Like a ham. Who wants ham, maybe? Her tits are bursting out of her gown.

We'll call it a gown. It's barely, you know, it's tatters. She just got attacked by wolves. I should have jacked off this morning. She has... She's got attacked by wolves. I should have jacked off this morning. I'm getting hungry. And she has, she's got some scratches, and you say, I'll help you with your scratches from the wolf fight, and so you lick her blood. Oh, jeez. Told you, your mom literally doesn't like you, man.

No, she does not. Okay, so. Well, imagine what she would feel if she heard this. You wake up, hours have gone by, blacked out You don't know what happened The only smell you have is the fresh stench of cum And you wake up And you hold her You fucking hold your mom

Some meditations were supposed to make you feel peaceful And you tell her you love her And you lick some cum off her nose Is it yours? Yeah. Oh, so that's the grossest part! Licking your own cum off your own mother's nose? We're back at the round table of gentlemen, sadly enough.

We're not fucking doing what we want to be doing. Great, Holden. Thank you so much. What a fun journey with the cum and your mother, and then the licking it off the nose. Oh, man. The nose knows. The nose knows Holden's cum if that nose belongs to Holden's mother. I'll break my bad mommy.

All right, Jackie, say that you're here. Jackie Zabrowski. I just hated that so much. I know, right? No one is going to listen to the rest of this podcast all because of Holden. I'm Jackie Zabrowski I'm Ed Larson I completely support what Holden just did

Thank you very much Ed Larson I'm Holden McNeely I'm fucking loving life these days Can't complain He's getting regular sex by an actual woman as well Which is shocking I don't understand it Yeah man I'm Kevin Barnett

I'm going to start an internet campaign For me to fuck Holden's mom. I'm going to do it. Absolutely. No, we all get a go. We all get one go at her. Yeah. I just want...

I want you to hurt, man. I want you to hurt. Jesus Christ. All right. Speaking of Whistler's mother, we got Julia Johns in the house. Hello. Hello. You're going to look beautiful in a bonnet and elderly sitting in a rocking chair one

day, Julia. Great. I love you. And speaking of Holden's mother and arousal, large penises, I am more than thrilled to have our first legitimate porn star, or at the very least a rising star in the porn business. His cock is the size of a small Russian spacecraft. Spacecraft. Spacecraft. Spacecraft.

Put a monkey in it. Spacecraft. Put a doggy in it. Mike Shockey, thanks for being here, buddy. Hey, thanks, guys, for having me here. I hope you're ready to reveal that beautiful penis of yours. Oh, why not? Just keep me away from Holden, right?

Oh, you will be kept away from Holden, but you will be kept very close to Jackie. Yay! I requested you to sit here. When she bit my dick off, my porn career was over. Just the tip. Just like I would just grind the tip with my canines. You are an animal woman. All right, I'm Ben Kissel with us as always.

Newsman Marcus Parks. We got some asses in the news. Before we get to the asses, let me just say one quick thing. The New York Times is writing an article on the creek and the cave. And this will probably be the first show that lots of New York Times readers listen to. Great. Well, good. No one's going to hear about it.

As soon as they hear, like, oh, no, we're not going to write about that. Oh, mommy. No. Mommy fucking. Yeah. So if you're reading the New York Times while you're listening to this, fucking let's hang out. Police in Peru have arrested a man suspected of cutting women's buttocks in Virginia's

shopping mall. Remember this story? Yeah. They caught the dude. They caught the bust. Johnny D. Guion Pimentel, 40. Pimentel. That's not a name.

40. That's too old to be slicing butts. Okay, so what age is the perfect slicing butt age, Jack? 16. 16. 16, 18. I mean, I don't remember this story. Was he slicing, he's cutting butts off or just cutting them off? Just slicing them.

Just slicing them in a shopping mall. Box cutter style. Just going through, slicing butts. It's got to be so uncomfortable and then you've got to sit on that? Yeah. He is in custody as Northern Virginia police work with federal and international authorities to return him back to the U.S. This has gone international.

Yep. He's in Peru. He got busted in Peru. Yeah. Wow. A team of people sat in an office to figure this out. There was an entire spider web worked out on a police bulletin board with the butt slasher in the middle.

That's pretty fantastic. Do you think they stopped to laugh every now and again, though? There was a moment of silence as they've been working on this for hours, sweat pouring down their faces, and then all of a sudden they just have a group crack up. There's going to be hundreds of murders every year in Virginia,

and there's just one detective sweating and losing sleep over the butt slasher that he never caught. It's so sad. Just beating his wife. Hank, you got to get off the case, Hank. Don't bring it home with you. I just got to get that goddamn butt slasher. Cutting all them butts.

You can't be cutting butts. A lot of good butts out there, man. That's the thing. Yeah, and he was also targeting mostly Hispanic women. Oh, shit. Who we know, we all know, have the best butts in the business. I butts out there, man. Yeah, and he was also targeting mostly Hispanic women. Oh, shit. Who we know, we all know, have the best butts in the business. I hate this nigga, man. Oh, I hate him. You enjoy a good Hispanic butt? Dude, that's what

I'm all about, man. I never got one. No, me and Kevin have talked about this before, how we used to live in the same neighborhood, in a Puerto Rican neighborhood, and you'd be walking down the street, and you're like, god damn, look at that ass. And she'd turn around, and she's like 60. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, wow!

Spanish women hold it together well for a long time. I will say this, though. I prefer Cubans to Puerto Ricans. You can look at a Puerto Rican ass, and you can look at a Cuban ass, and you can tell which race it is by the ass.

Does a Cuban have a little pickle in their butt? That's really what makes a Cuban. Covered in ham. Oh, yeah, that's a good ass That's a good Cuban Oh, slice that ass Woman, I slashed the shit out of that Cuban ass

Shockey, when you fucked those two porn stars How were their asses? Shockey did not fuck No porn stars Alright, okay, hold on We have to explain this to people Alright, so Mike Shockey You're a young upstart comedian

You have khaki pants on, a nice dress. Spirited wheel dress, take-home-to-mom kind of guy. Exactly. But apparently your cock has an entire... Elbow. It has an elbow. It has an elbow, right. It has a joint.

It's a great elbow. Literally, your cock has to wear a knee brace. It's so big. I don't believe it, man. You got injured in a basketball game. All right, so KB does not believe that you shot... Michael Shockey is my enemy. You got a tiny dick basketball game. All right, so KB does not believe that you shot a porn... Michael Shockey is my enemy. You got a tiny dick that smells.

No, we were going to see the dick. We were going to smell and see that dick. All right. So how did you get wrangled into the porn business? Did you just whip out that fucking dong-y schlong and they just wanted to suck all over it or what? You want, like, the whole back story of the... Just a quick one. A quick version of it.

Basically, there was, like, an email that I had sent out to this guy named Jim South. Okay. And sent him a dick pic. Whoa! Brett Favre style. And he recommended me to Lisa Ann's talent agency. There's a whole talent agency based upon cocks, so their head shots are literally of heads. Cock shots.

Cock shots. Cock shots, almost. But you still have to get the full nude where you're holding your cock, which is kind of uncomfortable, I'm sure. Wow! Did you get hard for the picture or did you just have a flaccid one? I had to. I somehow avoided doing the nudes because I was afraid of finding some freak on Craigslist that wanted to cut off my dick or my butt's now, even.

No doubt. So then you sent it to this dude, he just fell in love with your cock right away, sent you over to this talent agency. And then they sent over two whores and you fucked them? Well, I had talked to Lisa Ann on the phone for a good 10, 15 minutes. And then she had told me she was coming into town. I guess it was like a porn convention in Jersey. But she was staying in Midtown.

Okay. And I didn't know that I was going to meet two. But there was an encounter. Cock Enough for Two. That should be the name of your first comedy CD. Cock Enough for Two. Cock Enough for Two. That should be the name of your first comedy CD. Cock Enough for Two. Cock Enough for Two. Well, hey, maybe.

And the encounter was arranged, and I didn't know what was going on. Was it on tape? That one was not on tape. Oh, but that means... That was in a hotel, but the other two encounters with Daniel Derrick were on tape, so...

Yo, yeah, man! Nah, man. I gotta see this. I don't believe this shit. You're out here. As my roommate and my buddy John showed him. Can you get on my iTunes? No.

On iTunes? You're the only person who listens to porn on iTunes. I just gotta have it with me at all times. I've got shitty clips, I guess, on my flip that I was allowed to do, but there are tapes that were actually made, and I don't know who actually has the custody of them. Did they get some shots of you with the ball cam? I hate that behind the shot

where you see the dude's asshole. Did they get that shot? Well, I don't know where exactly they shot. They had two set up on tripods and different angles, though, and then she moved them around. That's crazy, man! Are you aware of the cameras, or do you just at one point just let go?

It's kind of almost like having a camera on set, but after a couple of minutes you just forget about it because you're also having sex. Nah, man, I hear Dr. Seussing with a story, man. I don't believe this seems like such a good story! So were you not intimidated or whatever when you get to the hotel room with the two porn stars that are

all fucking warriors? I was kind of scared at first when I found two women in there because first of all, Lisa Ann I've only seen her obviously just like most of us through clips What kind of clips? She was on Jeopardy

She beat the machine Nail and Palin and everything She's Nail and Palin? Oh my god! What kind of clips? She was on Jeopardy. She beat the machine. Nail and Palin and everything. She's nailing Palin? Oh my god! She was the best, I think, out of the other two because the other one was if you've seen Daniel Derrick, she's pretty fake.

Can you Google Daniel Derrick? She's got acid implants. So if the slasher slashed her ass, it would just ooze, like, what is it? Cellulose. Cellulose? To me, though, they were actually very hard and firm, though. Was that good?

To me, though, when you're doing a doggy salad, it's coming... No, not tender at all, like what I thought, but... You want it tender, though. A man likes a nice tender, big ass. No, you need a tender ass. Yeah. Everything in something, you know, like if you were grabbing it, big ass. If you're grabbing, it's not like you can grab.

Daniel Derrick. So you do not like the fake ass. You prefer a nice, real ass. Yes, all natural. I didn't realize that ass implants were that prominent. Probably just for porn stars. That one Puerto Rican chick that doesn't have an ass. I know a girl who has an ass implant.

There are guy porn stars who do invest in implants as well. They were saying like calf implants. Oh, calf implants are big. Did you find the chick? Now, how do you spell the name? D-A-N-I-E-L-L-E. That's tough. She's a Jersey girl, actually, too.

Really? She was blowing you when you were fucking... D-E-R-E-K? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at... All right, let's see her. Let's see her.

You fucked that chick? Yeah, but there's... Holy Lord, her titties. That's insanity. Those are so fake. A little more progress, too, that she's done. I think she's done even more surgeries from that. Really?

Those are like... I'm talking about lips, the face. The face was... Did you put your dick between her tip yes that was the very first time I bet was it fun no not as fun as I thought you know yet smothered but real real breasts can like wrap around exactly yeah yeah it was just like fucking like two parking cones kind of yeah but was old they they had been enhanced but they felt like there was like a little you know still natural feel to them like right right

in between I guess I don't know what her surgery was compared to Danielle's but Danielle's you could tell how long did you fuck before porn no because all my girlfriends that I've ever had contact with they were very flaccid yes that's what we can say, I guess. A's. Just like their grades, I guess. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You know, that's what's weird. It's the school I found. Girls that got good grades at state school.

Only my luck, you know. You would think that they would just, to make it simpler, A's would be like F's and F's would be like A's in the bra styles. I don't know why we decided to completely reverse the entire positive-negative chart when it came to fucking buzzards. What were your grades like in high school, Shockey? In high school, I got a 3.0. I averaged.

I had a bad year in junior year, but it really didn't hurt all that much, though. You didn't have to try that hard? No, exactly. Dick got you through? Smart dude. No, Dick never actually got me through, actually. Did you know? You didn't have to try that hard? No, exactly. Dick got you through? Smart dude, yeah. No, Dick never actually got me through, actually. Did you know you had a big dick in high school?

Here's the funny thing. I worked at Target when I was 16, and there was, like, a tape measure. Uh-huh. And I was just kind of curious, like, because I had just watched my very first porn. Yeah. And the very first porn was this guy had his dick out his apartment window, and it went kind of like a clothesline into another apartment, and that's where the girl was at. So I was like, wow.

I thought that's what my head had now been trained as. Dad's a big dick. Right. I measured it, and I told a couple buddies, and they just started laughing. They're like, no, dude, there's no way. Yeah, what are you rocking down there? Nine and three quarters. Whoa!

Nine and three quarters! Holy! Nine and three quarters! Holy Christ! Whip it out. We'll whip it out at the end of the episode. I don't want to see it right now. I can't talk if you see it now. I don't know what Kevin and Holden are going to do. I'm going to slap the dick. Kevin's got the smallest little whitest dick ever.

Chucky's going to whip out this big black cock. I've never seen a dick that big, but I always told myself if I did, I would slap it. I'd slap another dick. You've got to slap it, dude. I don't want to deal with anything that happens with myself. Oh, it's like a fucking car commercial. Put a bow on it.

All I have to say, though, Ben, is just, like, Howard Stern gets, like, crazy hot big-titted chicks on his show. Fuck that shit, dude. Big tits aren't fun to fuck. Shockey is fun to fuck. Well, you know... You know what the weird thing is? In the porno world, yes.

But when I was with relationships, that was actually the faltering part. They didn't like your big cock. Most girls don't like huge cocks. I guess most of my girlfriends had small cervixes, too, and it hurt a lot. Yeah. I guess, you know, one girl said... Good for Kevin, but not good for you.

Yeah, I guess. They all cheated on me, too, with guys with average-sized dicks. What? What the fuck kind of world are we living in? Goodbye, bitches. That when people have just inquired. You poor big dick bastard. I guess I'm the guy that ruins

that stereotype. The guys who have big dicks have great lives, you know? At least there's that moment when they were in bed after the act and she was like, oh, thank God. I'm so glad that I got to fuck you instead of my boyfriend because he's just got this massive dick.

How big is it? How big is this dick? One of the guys, a couple weeks after they had cheated and I had ended the relationship, I was at the bar. And he knew, I guess, who I was, walked up to me and said, how does it feel? I only have a four and a four and a half inch dick. Don't even bother adding a half. It's like when an eight-year-old says, I'm eight and a half. It's like no one's like, I a four and a half inch dick. Don't even bother adding a half. It's like when an eight year old says, I'm eight and a half.

It's like no one's like, I'm 29 and a half. It's like you're just a fucking little baby dick. Four and a half inches. He rubbed it in my face and he said, he's been fucking my ex-girlfriend. Dude, did you fight that? You should have hit him with your dick. That's the thing.

Isn't it weird to have a constant... You gotta put a little mallet on the end of it. There were a lot of confrontations with the guys That had cheated on with girlfriends How many times did you get cheated on? Yeah man, what are you doing wrong besides a dick? He's a nice looking guy It was four times with three girlfriends

One girlfriend I allowed to cheat on me twice Oh, you're nice But look at that sweater He's a kind man You're like the type of dude I would beat up No you wouldn't Kevin You play Starcraft all day I'm saying man I was trying to play a character

What is that character? So I want to get back I want to get back to this hotel situation How long did this encounter How long did you last essentially? Last uh Is that what they were testing for? To see that kind of stuff? Longevity?

There was points like that. At one point, the first time, I lasted about 20 minutes because I was taking medications that made me a little sensitive for my Crohn's. You have Crohn's disease? You're a hero! Hero, everybody! Wow! That's Armstrong. Wow! Hero everybody

Wow Wow First male porn star With Crohn's disease And a nine and a half inch cock Your story is going to be a beautiful Disney movie It is Who do you think would play me though

He's not alive yet Justin Bieber I was thinking McLovin probably I was thinking thatLovin probably oh yeah I was thinking that the whole time when you were talking about this

story McLovin that was one name that was actually propositioned that my name could have been McFuckin what's one of the

oh McFuckin would be great dude which I did kind of laugh at Mike McFuckin Mike McFuckin is awesome

I love to watch that chick that dude fuck the chicks I want to fuck and I think about his dick being my dick, but my dick is a lot smaller. Another proposition that I had, I thought it would be a good way

to use someone else's name that tortured me, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, that'd be great to use one of my bullies from high school and use his real name. Pete Zolkowski didn't work as a porn star name. That was my bully.

Or my friend. Michael Cullen was his name. Yeah, Michael Cohen. You were bullied by a Jew? No, I don't think this guy was Jewish at all. Who is McCullen? That's Irish. No, not Cohen. So you're struggling through your Crohn's disease.

You're 20 minutes into fucking these two broads. Was it time for you to come or did you think you came a little early? That was definitely time? That was by far the best blowjob I've ever had. They're good. It's almost like they're professionals. So what was... They kind of make you paranoid.

They're throating you, right? Oh yeah, like Lisa Ann. The other one, it was really weird to look at her fake face. It was like you see death. Like Leatherface. Botox villains see death Like leather face That's so funny It's like you're fucking a puppy And you're like

I don't know why I'm fucking plastic Were you real audible during it? Were you doing the groans and the moans? Or were you like suck it baby Make me feel like I'm a real man No I'm not usually one of those guys I can talk a little bit dirty, but it's still kind of quiet. Sometimes I've

had girls like, oh, you're pretty quiet. I didn't hear you come or anything. I didn't know come was supposed to be heard ever, though. I don't know. I've never been really like, you know, rolling. I try keeping my noise

to a certain extent. You're like Tim Duncan. You're one of the best, but you're confident, but you're quiet. Yeah, because I didn't know also. I'm in a hotel in New York. I'm still kind of like, oh, I'm in this. But at the same time, what if someone comes next door? What are we going to do? So my next question is, does the load go with the dick?

Do you have like crazy loads? No crazy loads. No Peter Nortz of any sort. But you know, they have to go on a special high protein diet. You have to take a load pill or something. I shoot load pill. It's over the counter now. I shoot crazy loads. I've had a chick start laughing

during my shooting. But your dick is like three and a half inches long. You're like a three and a half inches long, right? So much of it. Huh? You're like a three and a half incher. I'm like, yeah, exactly. But your loads are just huge. I think that's like how in animes when guys get real tight to charge up. Right.

Like, that's what my dick is. It's all small, but it's like, oh! And then it fucking shoots. Julia, do you come a lot of big loads out of your cock? Yes, I do. Good. Yes, I do. Michael, was there a storyline where you're like the pizza delivery boy uh not for that that was more like i guess they called it like a throw just to first

of all see if i doctored the photo and then also see if i could oh wow i could actually perform because lisa ann she did merge her company she got it bought out by like vanguard but i thought you were gonna to say murder. I was like, whoa! I'm sure some of them, they were telling me some weird stories in between of what happens on porn phones. What's a weird story that they told you? Okay, here's one. There was this one porn celebrity called Amber Lynn.

Oh, I know Amber Lynn. Oh, yeah. Come, folks! I'll slap your butt. She's great. So, many people don't know Amber Lynn's brother was actually in the porn business, too. He was probably that old guy when he first probably started jacking off. Todd Lynn. He was like the guy, I don't know if you went by that name.

He had like salt and pepper hair, kind of. Okay. He's one of those guys that, you know, oh, get your face off. Stop doing that. Oh, I hate that when they show their face and their asshole. Oh, Buck. Buck Adams. That's his name. I know Buck. Oh, get your face off. Stop doing that. Oh, I hate that when they show their face and their asshole. Oh, Buck Adams. That's his name. I know Buck.

So Buck and her... Is he up-and-comers? Buck is older now. And I also respect you for being quiet because there's nothing I hate worse than a noisy male porn. So bad. Shut the fuck up. It's the worst. It's the worst.

Yeah, you like this rod? Yeah. Yeah, loving this rod. Yeah. It's not the talk so much as the grunts. It's disgusting. Ugh. Yeah. Loving this Rod. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's not the talk so much as the grunts. Yeah, yeah. It's just grunting. Ugh.

Ugh. The guy's just like, fine, fine, fine. Fine. Ralph's Hour with Monica Sos. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. So she was telling you about her brother, Salt-N-Pepa fella.

They get cast in a movie. Together? Brother, sister? Well, they thought, oh, we're in a movie, but they didn't know that the scene, no one had actually known that they were brother and sister, and they were cast, and they were put together in a scene. Whoa, whoa, whoa! But, here's the weird thing, like, they almost went through all the way, like, they had done

apparently some, like, a little apparently some foreplay on the bed. No way! It was like a big flip out. They said it's one of the most hilarious stories. Porn stars are funny. I've got a funny tale when I almost fucked my brother. You wouldn't believe it. So anyway, long story short, I nearly fucked him. Yeah.

Let him touch my boobs. What is that? They had to talk beforehand. So you want to... Yeah, let him touch my boobs. Like, what is it? What are they talking? They had to talk beforehand. Like, so you want to... I guess. Are we going to know each other? We used to take baths together when we were kids. They definitely thought about the same thing.

All the conversations were just like, I love this Coke. This is a really good Coke. It's like, you know, like... Where'd you get this Coca-Cola from? Oh, the deli downstairs? That one right downstairs? I've had this one before. You know, John, it became a lot different after that.

Yeah, why are they all in the bathroom for so long? Oh, yeah, yeah. Not only are their son and daughter both porn stars, but oh, they almost did each other, too. Wow. Oh, no, their father, at least, is long dead. Did you find these women to be scarred, or were they in a confident position of power? Lisa Ann was definitely in power. She definitely was more of a business set.

Snail balance. Right. Oh, I can't believe that. She's been in this now, I think, for 20-something years. I've been up to that chick before. Man, me too, man. Like multiple times. Danielle, she was more like the stereotypical female.

Like a comedian, sort of. Yeah, almost like she was in it to score drugs, kind of, and just be... She was coked out, you could tell. Really? All three of my encounters, she had recently done coke somewhere. And did you like the fact that she was all blown out of her mind? No, because I was like, oh, that's how I used to look when I used to do coke. You get to see it in someone else, and you're like, oh, this is weird.

This is why I don't do coke anymore. Yeah, it kind of reminds you also of The Wire a little bit. Kind of like, oh, I got a junkie. This could have been Dookie or...

This is the woman that Michael fucked. Oh my God. Holy Lord, Shockey! She keeps herself in shape too? Dressed as Sarah Palin. Yeah, that's right.

And now her breasts are obviously fake but you were saying they felt good. Yes, they felt better. They were firm, but they were still more natural. I have no problem with fake titties. No, I mean, if they're done well. There are some generic surgeries out there, though.

Especially Danielle's. One of the times, because she had pierced nipples, and her sweater got caught on one of them, and she was like, you know when you see them hold the boob? I guess it's infected, or they or they gotta hold it or some shit like that oh my so it's also like oh what's wrong with your boob why are you you know it's like you don't shoot a pussy infection no like a skin infection but she had to like hold it i don't know if she

had to hold the entire court she was holding it no just like on one of the encounters for like here and there like whenever there were certain positions. You guys call them encounters? Why don't you just call it fucking? Fucking, I guess. He's being classy about it. The man is a professional, dude. He's got a nine and a half inch cock. How about Michael Cocky?

Oh, Michael Cocky's good. Michael Cocky's very good. You're going to find yourself in shit porn. What's the large... Oh, that's true. Michael Bukaki. Well, yeah, I guess that's sort of in the name. Michael Bukaki!

It's sort of in the name already, but yeah. But I know, like, already, like, I've never even been that cocky about the cock, though, because I already know, too, my brother and my dad from random walk-ins on the bathroom, that they actually have larger cocks than me. No! That means your mother just fucking

got plowed! You know what? They were kind of surprised. I was born 12 pounds, 8 ounces and it could have been maybe my dad had a big load that day or some shit like that. Huge load, not to mention the cavity in your mother must look like a Thanksgiving turkey. No vagina, man.

Yeah, see, that's weird that if we got the cock from Dad, we somehow became taller than our dad and had bigger shoe sizes, though, so I don't know how the cock passes that. Wow. The cock. I want to see, like, Super Rap Battle. Me and my brother.

Jackie is so enthralled. I can't wait to get... We can look at your dick at the end of the episode, right? Maybe. I gotta see this thing! I gotta see this fucking monster! We have to! No, no, no!

We have to see this! He's not in the goddamn museum! I know he's not in the museum. He is here with us. I love it! I need to see it! There have been times when... Oh, man.

That's probably Subes. Subes! Subes! Quickly. Subes, we were talking about Shaki's porn experience and with his massive nine and a half inch dick. He's going to show it at the end of the episode. That lady gave the creepiest look out there.

She heard porn and she looked over and it was like a mom looking at me, frowning. You disappointed me. For our listeners at home, Suba Argawal has joined us. Thanks for being here, Suba. Yes, Suba! One thing I know about Suba, she loves them fat cocks.

Loves them! As a matter of fact, Michael sort of prepped us. Apparently you have a situation where your vagina was too ladylike for the massive cock that was trying to explore it. That's a nice way to say it. That was nice, right? Welcome to the show, Suba. So what happened exactly? Did you just cry a little bit?

Just make sure you talk to the mic. Yeah, you're sharing with Sub bit? Just make sure you talk to the mic. Come closer to the mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sharing with Subes. Just get in close. Oh, God. I'm not sorry, Suba. So, Suba, anyway. You brought this up earlier. Oh, Jesus.

All right. Well, what happened was it was terrible, but I was like, whatever. I didn't say anything. I was trying to be polite about it, and it hurt, and I was like, whatever, and I was like whatever I didn't say anything I was trying to be like polite about it And it hurt and I was like whatever And I was ignoring it but it got So bad that I almost blacked out The pain No I had to go to the hospital

Cause I walked out of my room In like insane amount of pain The thing is I don't know if I have a low Pain threshold but my body Well you're also a small girl as well He was also the second dude I had had sex with And he was giant How big was it? Well, you're also a small girl as well. Yeah. He was also the second dude I'd had sex with and he was giant.

How big were we talking? It was the biggest thing I've ever seen. Like, I don't know. Like, if I was at that time you'd only seen two. No, but I have cable TV like I've seen.

Oh my God. So if I put like two 12 ounce staccates is it like that? Was it like that big? It was like that. It was thick. It was thicker than this? No, it was probably Was it like that big It was like that It was thick It was thicker

It was thicker than this No it was probably like Probably like that thick It was thick going this way It was as thick As a 12 ounce can of beer It was like And then stacked on top

Of each other It was like He texted me that before And I thought he was kidding Picture of the dick Or telling you about it Did you know this guy Yeah

Or were you sleeping around At the bar No no no It was Suba been fucking The whole town let me tell you the Apple Store he's a friend of he actually got set up with him okay super agarwal it's the computers and suck a dick. It's good, Suba.

So what happened at the hospital? Did you do like, doctor, doctor, give me the news. Have I had too many big dicks today? Well, I didn't know what had happened, but I was in the waiting room, and everyone in the waiting room thought I was going to die because I was like sweating. I was like, but it's just, the thing is I think my body just needed to calm down because it was so painful. Oh, wow. And I had to wait so long, and I didn't want to put this on any type of medical record

because I don't know if my parents' health insurance kicked off and then I was back on. I didn't know if that was on yet. So I was freaking out, and I told the nurse what had happened. We have a bill for you would never believe what your daughter did. It's $4,500. But they said they were going to take a sonogram. And I'm like, I can't afford that. And I limped out of the hospital.

Oh, can you imagine having... Exactly. Is that the one with the liquid? Yeah, like they do that. Well, no, not with liquid. That's on the... The gel? It was the gel situation.

But how do they do that for... Can you imagine having a dick big enough to harm a woman? Hospitalize a woman. You hospitalized a woman. You did that, didn't you? With my dick? No! I've never hospitalized a woman.

I thought you tore a vagina, didn't you? Yeah, but that was not... No, but that was just out of sheer... Yeah, that's because his dick's made out of wood, though. Yeah, exactly. Are you, like, putting the body into it, though? No, I just, I hit it wrong. I didn't, I got it at a wrong angle,

which, you know, my penis, it slips out all the time. It's pathetic and b-boy. I think that's a natural thing for guys for it to slip out, though, too, you know? Not for you. Well, after a certain degree, though, you're going to slip out there, I think, you know, after a couple of months. Unless you're raping them and they don't get wet as much.

That actually is the first time you've mentioned rape in a very long time. Yeah! I don't remember the last time you mentioned it. We used to have to limit her to one rape joke per show. And now we're... Do more! More rap!

I hate the rape! Bring it back! The Times is listening! Let's not forget! This is vital news. Fucking so funny. So, but you recovered from your big dick experience. I just didn't have sex for a very long time.

Do you also, like, have nightmares every now and again where a big dick is, like, chasing you down, like, a dark alleyway? Wait, wait. Is it connected to a body, though? No, just the dick. It's got a mouth, and it's just going, ah, ha, ha. Just the shaft. Yeah, just the shaft. No balls. It makes it it's just going, ah, ha, ha. No balls, just the shaft. Yeah, just the shaft, no balls. It makes it so much scarier.

But the balls can be scary because they can roll, you know? Yeah, I suppose the balls can be the wheels that move it. Yeah, that's the thing. I imagine it'd take hops to move. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Pogo's sick.

I was just picturing, like, Suba walking home at night, kind of like going to Bowser's ship at the end of Mario. Instead of those missiles, it's just slow dick smoke. Just slow dick smoke. That's incredible. So did you talk to the guy again after that? Did you ever let him know the pain that he caused you? Well, I told him, but just because I wanted to give him,

I'm like, yo, you should be careful with what you do with that. That was all I was trying to do. It's so awesome. I was thinking about maybe still seeing him because I felt bad. I didn't want to not. That's not a good reason to see him. You can loosen it up though, you know? Plus he just gets adjusted to it.

Now Shockey's talking like a porn star. Hell yeah, loosen it up, baby. A kid in a soda can seems so big to you. When you jam it up your ass. It takes like two hours for you to finish it, but as you get older, you can just slurp them down. Yeah, slurp them down.

Just train them down. Like a beer, you know? That's what I was thinking when you were talking about your girls cheating on you with dudes with small dicks. I can't imagine those dudes must have been sitting there just fucking feeling nothing. Exactly. They had to have been like, this shit mother fucking a big ass dick. One of them was already loose, but she had been fucking since she was like 14.

She was amazed because she took away my virginity at 20. Whoa, you didn't use that fucking rocket cock until 20? Whoa, you didn't use that fucking rocket cock until 20? I had one blowjob at 18, and that was about it until 20. Did the chick not like, but that chick even must have been kind of blown away, right? Went for the blowjob. She was just kind of a slut, kind of, I guess. Yeah, kind of a slut.

She just gobbled it up. My mom had actually set me up with her And she actually did I came home for Christmas break And my mom's like Hey you know Go hang out with her And we went out For like a movie And everything

And we came back And my parents were out of town And like it was like She was like Hey show me a tour of the house And then We ended up at the bedroom And she stripped me down

And started sucking me Next thing you know Wow That's fantastic That's a good move Tour of the house Yeah That's fantastic. That's a good move. Tour of the house. Yeah, that's the thing.

That's a classic. What are you talking about? That is the fucking first move. That's the coolest, though. That's the first move that you do. And this is my bedroom. That's the real reason for houses. But Shockey doesn't need to do that. All the rules are off with you, Shockey, because your dick is so big.

You're like the woman. They take you to your room and they just fucking take down those pants and fucking suck it down. It's awesome. It is amazing. He lives a life that I could never imagine. I can't see my dick over my stomach. See, girls kind of get surprised though because I know

in high school there was this girl who tried downplaying. She was like, there's no way you have a 9 3 quarter. And my buddy was like, I've seen it. Yes. And he was like my best friend. i was comfortable like we didn't play swords or anything he measured his dick in front of me no you couldn't play sports with him because it would be like a knife fight versus a huge sword and it'd be like i'll never win it'd be like a like a claymore like those gigantic fucking scottish swords yeah they have the double-handed sword i tried being gentle with it though you know i wouldn't try fighting or using it as a weapon.

I try not to, but I've had girls that just see a tall thing guy and they think, okay, it's going to be probably a small dick or something. Always the tall thing ones. It's always, yeah. But girls, I don't know, Jackie, maybe you can put some insight into this topic. Or Julia. I was doing a lot of talks, Julia. Now, Jackie is definitely the right one to ask.

Yeah, Jackie's the one to ask. Your instincts were correct, sir. Well, you never know. Julia's sucked a few dicks in her life. Look at her there with the face. And have there been guys that surpassed your expectations of what you thought is cock? I honestly don't even think about a man's dick size until his dick is inside of my mouth. I don't even look at a man

and think about how big his dick is. To be honest. I had a girl that just told me take off my pants and I took it off and she gave me like, oh, no. And then I was like,

what was gonna... And she was like, no. You would have done the oh no, Subha? Now I would. Yeah, that experience. We'll never go back to another one. Holy Lord, can I introduce you

to Kevin Barnett? Very small dick. Very small. Dude, my shit is incredibly average. How is it incredibly average, then? The most small dick, man. See, everyone always thinks that Egyptians are just Middle Easterners, and they say Middle Easterners have...

Are you Egyptian? Yeah, both my folks are. Oh, okay. I've had people that just told me the same me about Middle Easterners having small dicks. I've seen three Middle Eastern dicks including my own and none of them have been. I've heard the exact opposite.

Like Middle Eastern guys and Native Americans. Really? American men have yonder dicks. Yonder dicks? Yeah, you can see them from over yonder dick. Yonder dick. Yonder dick. Yeah, you can see him from over yonder. My dad's got like a size 7 shoe,

and if I had to just put, I'd have to say he's close to like a foot long. Oh, see, I was going to say I go with the shoe size thing, but he's a size 7? Yeah, he literally buys bigger condoms than he buys shoes. That's insane. And it's even worse because he's in his 70s, and since he had a stroke and heart attack, he's got Viagra now, too. That's still fucking, huh?

He's still a fucking weapon. Were your parents swingers at all? Were they conservative, or were they just open sexually? They were pretty much Republicans who, I guess, closed off the guilt, you know, kind of like that. Have you told your folks about your new stardom? No, no, because I'm pretty sure I would be disowned immediately. Really?

My brother married, like, a girl who was, like, Russian Orthodox, and we were Coptic Orthodox, and he got baptized, and my dad disowned him, and my brother was, like, a doctor. What? Yeah, and then they got together again, and my brother was like a doctor. What? Yeah, and then they got together again. They mended the fences. Then my brother adopted a child from Russia.

Yeah. And he already had three kids. Real bad move. And my dad just told him, you know what that kid's going to do? He's going to rape the kids that you have. And my brother was like, I'm doing a good thing. And my dad's like, you're being controlled by your wife. And then he adopted it. And my dad's like, that're being controlled by your wife. And then he adopted it.

And my dad's like, that's it. You're disowned again. Your dad just disowned everybody. Yeah, he's disowned me twice already. He's disowned me three times. You can't disown more than once. There's no buyback. Double disowned. No take back.

You're disowned. Well, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, make sure to come by Friday. I remember one time I was 23 And I got kicked out of the house I had come home from school after the last cheating And I was like, alright, I'm just going to finish up school Away from

I just see you getting kicked out and trying to slam the door But then the door just keeps on hitting your cock And you're just trying to slam it again I kind of left my college On bad terms With friends because the last guy who cheated on the last girlfriend was actually a friend of mine. You beat the shit out of him, right? He gave me two free shots and I punched him twice and then somehow I got him to get his leg down and punch him a couple of times.

Then he got a couple of really good ones on me. Did you think about putting your cock in his mouth? No. This guy was a country boy. He probably would have probably chewed it or some shit like that. I went to school with a lot of country guys that were dirt balls. Where are you from? Technically, I guess St. Charles, like a

suburb of St. Louis, but... Ugh! Ugh! That's my girlfriend's name. And, you know, it's pretty nice. People back there don't like you moving to regions like this because you actually know how dumb the people are.

Of course. Do you feel the same way when you go back to Wisconsin now? No, I'm still dumber than all of them. They're smart people over there. Let me ask, so how long for the movies you made, how long did you have to stay hard, like, total? Total? Yeah, for the shoot.

Was it one day each? Yeah, one day each. Okay, so here's where the coked-out personality of Danielle started showing. So Lisa Ann had said that Danielle was going to revamp her website. You know, like, how they always put, like, clips and videos? Right, right. She needed someone like that, she was looking for someone local and she was figuring I guess I would be cheap

because I didn't really have any rates. Not yet. I didn't even know. They told me from $250 to $1,250 usually for guys. There were a set of things that I told them I didn't want to do. What were those things?

Gay for pay? Yeah, gay for pay and double penetration. What's the thing about the DP? What's your guys Gay for pay? Yeah, gay for pay and double penetration, which I was like, what's wrong with... See, what's the thing about the DP? What's your guys' stance on it? I don't like it. I couldn't do it either. I don't want my dick touching any other dick. I can watch it, though.

Touching dicks, the positioning. Your dicks would rub against each other. You don't have a choice. They try saying it doesn't happen, but you're figuring both of those canals lead up the same alley. So you're all going to Walmart. Yeah. One's taking I-9, one's just taking through the city. I'm going to go through the ride.

Since my roommate, right before this all happened, he told me about the porn industry having an AIDS scare. I told him. They're like, no, no, no, no. At the same time, they're like, no AIDS. No AIDS at all. The lab thing, California just shut down that like did it in California. Yeah

Yeah, and so they were sad story before we do what do you I want to know about your thoughts about condoms important? But before that I want to know if Subha's ever been dp'd Anyone TP no no Jackie Julia? Anyone? TP? No. No? Jackie? Holvin? No, I haven't. You haven't. I don't like Jackie. Out of everyone, Jackie was the only one that sounded disappointed.

Sue was like, no! No! No. No two men have ever loved me enough to do that. My question is, you wore a condom though, right? No, you can't. Not the blowjobs, but for the actual vagina. Because I hadn't been tested at all for the panel.

They're safe. They did the inspection. She just pretended. That's what her first move was. After she told me to pull my pants on, she came up and grabbed my cock and looked at my balls. Did you have to cough? Turn your head or anything? No cough.

No physical, but it felt like a physical though. Because she was like... Just a quick check. Did you cum on her or did you cum in her? For Lisa, no. But Danielle, she did it twice where she took it all over her face. God, I'm so rock hard. See, for me, that's like the meaning though.

See, that's the thing. You ought to be over here because I'm listening to tell the story and I am looking at naked pictures of Lisa Ann. So Marcus,'s the thing. You ought to be over here because I'm listening to tell the story and I am looking at naked pictures of Lisa Ann. So Marcus, look at her. Yeah, it's pretty great. Holy shit. Good Christ. So wait, so how long did you have to wait?

So the first video... That's a weird one. She... So I was told that I was going to come back out to like Bryant Park again to this same hotel and they were going to book a room. Okay. They didn't book a room for this? This was all just in the lobby the first time? No, Lisa Ann had her room for this convention, but I guess

We're in the room with the coats. Make it quick, Shaki. Let me see it. This one, she was like, alright. She called me up and she said, okay, where are you at? She was trying to arrange it and then all of a sudden Danielle was like, you know what? i don't feel comfortable because she apparently had to bring the cameras on her own and she didn't want to bring them into a hotel room i guess so why not she's a coked out porn i guess maybe paranoia or maybe i don't know i asked if she needed help but

uh she said no no she said where do you live and i told her I lived in Bushwick. Wow. Look at that, Bushwick. She came out to the place, and the very first thing she said was, this is the ghetto, huh? And I was like, well, I told you it was Bushwick, not like Manhattan. And then we set up the cameras. She was at the place for about six and a half hours. Okay. We probably fucked for about four and a half total, five. Just call it Bushwick.

There was, you know, like cartoons when you see someone kind of get flattened out with a truck. We probably fucked for about four and a half total. You should call it bush death. Cartoons, when you see someone get flattened out with the truck, that's what I felt like for the next two days. Oh, my God. You were exhausted, huh? Do you work out? I did. I was working out three times a week there. I was starting up cardio.

Kevin, you've got to work out. I didn't even drink that much then, but it was just tiring. Yeah, yeah. At a certain point, you much then, but it was just tiring. At a certain point, you're like, this is too much sex. And what about in between shots? Are you sort of trying to fluff it up and all that kind of stuff? Are you taking protein shakes and shit? No, no. She put it in her mouth, kind of, and

the fellatio was... The fellatio. It sounds like you got some nice steak dinner at the Bellagio. I'll be the Bellagio. I guess when you're a guy like me, you've got to treasure these opportunities, though, too, I guess. Precious moments.

I know Marcus' number of girls. I'm not even at a third of his girls. Well, yeah, but Marcus fucks ugly, skanky, cunt women. You are fucking nailing, paling celebrities. I mean, you are having sex I'm gonna go like

I gotta say like probably a quarter Yeah a quarter What do you guys figure on the quality Versus quantity Dude you're gonna fuck thousands of women Of high quality guild In the one shoot day How many loads in the one shoot day

Man I think there was like nine, ten. Nine loads? What are you talking about? When it went like the last Super Bowl. How do you feel? Hold on a second. Nine loads, Zuba. Can you imagine that in one day all over your face?

That's gross. Zuba doesn't love it. Not all over the face, no. Not all over the face. No, because there were All right Can I play offensive coordinator I'm gonna go

Two plays on the face Three plays on the ass Two plays on the pussy And then two on the tits No it was like One on the tits Damn it Because like the tits

Fucking felt weird For I was like God For some reason My mind had crossed Whose tits were better Than the fuck I. I was like, oh, this is... For some reason, my mind had crossed whose tits were better to the fuck, I guess. I was like, oh, I remember this is the bad one.

Ah, fuck. Because it felt uncomfortable. Isn't that funny? What a great predicament to be in. Did the fake ones feel like fucking balloons? No, like they were... Like tit fucking balloons. They were like...

It felt like almost like a soft rock kind of, you know? That's weird. There was not much flexibility, but... How much did you get paid? Because I'm thinking about making a... I didn't get paid for any of these. These are all like auditions. Like apparently, she was going to send this off to her editor.

Like that was going to make like the webmaster, I guess, and all that stuff. But at the same time, they were going to forward the video also to a videographer who was going to evaluate if I was made for this and if Lisa wanted me to sign by Vanguard. The last encounter was

two Mondays ago. What? What was the place you came the most? Shut up, Ben. I want to know. Anal. It had to be the anal, I guess. The asshole.

You just came in the asshole or out of the asshole? Well, I had condoms on, but yeah, it was... Oh, that's good. I guess porn stars said fuck so much. They were so... Even Lisa was loose, too. Even Lisa was loose. You put so many cocks in something, it's going to...

It makes me so sad, man. I know. Wasn't your resolution to not watch porn as much as porn? I have a friend in the business now. Oh, I see. It all changed. It's a support now. I know, it's just one of those things where it's like I go out to a show to watch Murder Fist.

I love Murder Fist, so I clap and I laugh, and then I watch Michael Shockey. I love Murder Fist, so I clap and I laugh and then I watch Michael Shockey. I love Michael Shockey, so I clap and I cum. So you would... Don't you guys all jerk off and shove these tapes? I mean, I'm definitely going to watch the shit out of it. We're all going to watch it.

I always grab a laptop with the clips. Yeah, definitely. This shit makes me so sad, dude. I hate you. You know what I'm saying? Like, listen up. You hate a lot of things, though, to be honest, though, right? He does college humor videos.

Who gives a fuck, dude? This guy gets fucking pussy. No, no, like, exactly. Like, my friend Barry back home, like, he always shits on me because my ex-girlfriend, the dude she dated before me, is, like, famous. He's a football player. Timmons. Timmons.

Right? He has all types of money. Right? So whenever I say, like, I have an accomplishment or something like that, I tell Barry and he just compares it with Timmons nonstop. So I can't win. So I did this show in D.C. with Nina Hartley. Nina Hartley was on the show. Very good.

You know Nina? Classic. Classic porn star. I don't know what that is. It's so working, too. She loved my set and everything. So that's not working Resolution broken by the way

No So like after the show Like she I was talking to her for a while So I have a picture of her Like grabbing my dick Which was a triumph For me

Did she say anything? Yeah she just Again Incredibly average So I sent the picture to Barry You're surprised that Kevin Has a small penis

Especially As she had to Like how much And how many Like my So, I sent the picture to Barry. You're surprised that Kevin has a small penis? This basically has been your game for his entire life. How much does it tip and how many, like, my black buddies had? Are they big dick black friends? Yeah, they would always. Yeah, but he's so hateful. Listen, I understand. My life sucks.

Because all these guys. This right here, that's what Kevin could be, but not. Oh, look at that big black dick. Kevin, let's see yours. By the way, this is a picture of Nina Hartley with a big black dick. But that's the thing, though. That's the thing. I sent the picture to Barry.

I sent the picture to Barry. I'm like, yeah, nigga. I got porn stars grabbing my dick. And the first thing Barry said was, you just don't get it, do you? Lawrence Timmons probably got Gianna Michaels grabbing his dick right now. Did you even met Lawrence? Yeah, you got the old one. She's in her 40s. He's like, that's not it. Oh, she's going to be in her 50s. Yeah, he's like, that's not the old one. She's in her 40s.

He's like, that's not even a porn star. Oh, she's going to be in her 50s. Yeah, he's like, that's not a porn star. That's an old ass lady. It is an old ass lady. That's what happens. You know, you fail to realize when you age, so do your porn stars that you jacked off to, you know? I know, it's weird.

Shockey, if there's one porn star out there that you could fuck on camera, who do you want right now? What's the game you want to play? I think it'd have to be still like Nikki Benz really like Nikki Benz I don't know who she is check her out yeah yeah Nikki Benz is great is she yeah like you know she's even though she said like enhancements but she's just like Marcus knows how to spell her name it's ni kki be NZ he knew it by heart it by heart. That was by saving the Google search. Let's be honest.

He didn't clear out the search, did he? Are there open tabs right now? Oh my god. And now, Kevin, you can't even fuck a chick without knowing that Shockey's always going to be better than you. You were literally my enemy. You were fucking devastating.

Che's going to only hate you more now, right? If I become your number one enemy. You know, because I remember one of the first times I met you, probably like a year ago. I'll remember this forever because you tried to fuck out of me. I don't know if you realize this. You were trying to get me on your show, the Great Debates. Oh, yeah.

And you're like, yeah, man, I want to get you on my show. I was like, all right, cool. I'm going to have you debate and stuff. See, I love my show because I can get guys who are really great and everybody knows they're funny, but also put on guys like you who are not necessarily known for your stand-up, but I like you. I think you're funny.

I was saying that. That's exaggerated. That's exactly what you said. That shit is burning into my brain. Well, you and Shay were definitely hating on each other at the time, and people kept on, oh, dude, you should just do this, because I also did a weird debate with Eric I and Calvin Cato. We had a feud, too.

I love you, Michael. I'm sorry, though, Kevin, if you've taken any offense. We've got to do a segment. No, no, no. There's no way we can follow this. We'll do it next week. No, we're not. Yeah, we'll do it next week.

You know what? Yeah, see, the segment is his cock. You whip out that monster dick, dude. I'm not so good at whipping out the cock in front of Not right now? Right now, come on. Let the ladies leave. Let the ladies leave?

By ladies, you mean let Super Bowl leave. I feel better about showing them the clips and letting them see it grow. We'll see your dick on tape. I don't need to see it right now Well here's why Because when I was talking about this on stage I had guy comics who were like groping my

Well no one's touching it here man But you know what I mean I've never been like I streaked a lot in college But it wasn't about the cock It was because I was drunk as fuck. I've never really been... What about the cock and balls?

But the cock helps. Because I've also got scars from surgery, too, and stab wounds. Stab wounds? What is happening? You grew up in St. Louis. Hold on. Hold on. All right.

So what's the surgery and what's the stab wound? So the surgery is, I guess everyone's first year is tough year. My first year, I... Your first year of what? First year living in New York. I got this... I stabbed myself on accident at Paragon Sports. At Paragon Sports.

Yeah. He stabbed himself with his dick. With what? It was like a knife. It was a hunting knife or something. It was just kind of like, I don't even know really much about knives. I've always tried saying... So you were playing with a knife in Paragon Sports with a nine and a half

inch cock. No, this knife was way sharper also than any cock and it was pretty big. And it hit me in the knee and they only gave me a tetanus shot, but with Crohn's you have a bad immune system, so I ended up getting this weird skin infection from it. I was having 103 degree

fevers, and then I got hospitalized. I had seven teams of doctors, and they did a spinal tap. You're like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. And after that, they told me, oh, you know what? You're having some flare-up in your Crohn's. At the time, I was smoking cigarettes

still, which was dumb of me. I know that, but the doctor was like we're gonna have to do surgery on you and cut out like parts of your colon because part of my small intestine was resting on top of my gallbladder cock alone and give me like urinary tract infections like i didn't even have to fuck it was just like resting and so anytime i'd have a flare-up it would just flare up the gallbladder and i'd have a urinary tract infection wow Wow. Like even pills couldn't fix it. Even pills couldn't fix it. Yeah, there's like a scar that leads up basically to the cock right there and then the stab wounds

are from the guy who stabbed me back at home. Oh man, you should have told that story first. Eh. Somebody stabbed you. Yeah, I had a co-worker. He was a psycho, like an honorary discharge Marine. I had to train at work. Why did he stab you? I was 17. Holden was shot at once. Yeah. Whoa. I don't really discharge a Marine. I had to train at work. When I was 17. Holden was shot at once.

I worked at Blockbuster. Of course. Hey, you want to rent some movies, fucker? Never gonna happen. That was how I worked at Blockbuster. You get shot at once. The dude just came in and robbed the store.

He shot at me. It was like a scare you shot, but he shot down on the store. Yeah, tried to rob the store. He shot at me. It was like a scare you shot, but he shot, like, down on my legs, you know? Were you trying to be, like, the heroic guy? No, he was not heroic. Have you seen him? I don't know. Holden can do kind of... I was like, rob this store.

I hate working here. And the guy still shot you? I'm mad at how literally he got out of there with. So, why did he stab you real quick? He was just like a psycho, really. Like within like a couple minutes of training him, we found out he was a psycho because he said he had heads in his basement and I told him, good joke. And he was like, I'm not kidding.

And then after lunch break, he never came back. Like my manager didn't even want to transfer him. Where was this at? This is at a place called Famous Bar in the Midwest. I don't know. It ended up becoming like Macy's ended up buying them out, basically. Okay. And he disappeared after lunch break, and my manager thought, oh, he was nervous like me.

And I was like, no, he's staring. The shoe guy was looking out for me. And then I walked out of work late, and I got pushed on the sidewalk. First day of Christmas break. Got up. This guy asked me a weird question. If I was a man's man or a woman's man. Answered with two answers.

I'm a man's man. I got a nine and a half inch cock. I told him I was a lover, not a fighter, and straight not gay, but I had nothing against gay people. And then he pulled out a switch weight and then the only move I knew was to try kicking him in the balls and making a run for it. He caught my leg in midair and threw me and I fell on the ice and then he fell on top of me

and started proceeding to stab me. How many times did he stab you? 15 times in the arms and twice around. Whoa! Oh my god. And now you have a 9.5 inch cock in your fucking board stock. Well, I had that before. Who knows, man. He could have chopped off half that dick and given me a real

circumcision to make people... You imagine if you would have ruined your beautiful career. You know, it's crazy, too, because before I thought you were incredibly uninteresting, but today that's changed. Michael Shockey, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, Michael. Really a masterpiece. What a hero.

Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Old McNeely, Kevin Barnett, I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you, Subha. Thank you, Julia Johns, Marcus. Thank you so much, Michael. Michael Kaki. Michael Kaki. Check him out on Pornhub, Mflix, XHamster, YouPorn. I'll bring the clips, though, on my laptop up here and let you see the plastic face.

Thank you. I can't wait. That's just so great. Can we make an appointment for this? And I'll let you guys make a judge. Yeah, I'll let you guys be the judge and see if she's also scary to you guys I can't wait. That's just so great. Can we make an appointment for this? And I'll let you guys make a judge, yeah. I'll let you guys be the judge and see if she's also scary to you guys, too. Absolutely. Those photos are not, you know,

all the way truthful when you see someone in person. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Alright. We'll talk to you soon. Goodbye. I'm gonna go take a look at this cock!