The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 81: A Native American Wedding

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table: a man tries to poison his wife with Goof Off, Hitler's Polish bunker is up for grabs, and the first ever convening of the Round Table Government Association occurs, plus Jeffrey Joseph drops in and asks for food stamps.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Okay. Jeffrey, you're on first. Oh shit, what did I do? You're brave. You civility. Okay. Jeffrey, you're on prayer. Oh, shit. What did I do?

You pray. You have to start with a prayer. Dear Jesus, we are here today with the round table of gentlemen. I don't want them! I pray that today's segment is a Christian, that it is heterosexual, and that it is heterosexual,

and that it is against all forms of contraception. Yeah! Amen! Amen! Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen. Who is on the program? Hi, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Oh, I just ate too many nachos. I fell asleep on a train.

Just go to sleep. It's Henry Zebrowski. Fooled you. That's the thing. He's a shapeshifter. He literally looked and smelled like Jackie up until he did that. I'm a good actor. Ed Larson.

That's it. All right. Holder McNeely. I'm with Ed. Nothing. Boobie Kissel over here. We got the very classy Jeffrey Joseph. I'm Jeffrey Joseph, and I'm eating chips and salsa. Boobie Kissel over here. We got the very classy Jeffrey Joseph. I'm Jeffrey Joseph

and I'm eating chips and salsa. Yeah. Mexican. Great for radio. Yeah. Give a good front. That's what Mexican NPR sounds like. Oh.

NPR. Speaking of beauty, good enough for radio, we got Kiki Capral. Hi. Hello, Kiki. Love that name. Hi, everyone. Hello. It's so, we've got Kiki Capral. Kiki. Hello, Kiki. Love that name. Hi, everyone.

Hello. It's so much nicer to have Kiki next to me than Holden. Yeah, like a really attractive woman. With us, there's always newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today? A California man spiked his wife's bowl of Rice Krispies with enough chemicals to kill her. Rock and roll! Yeah.

That's rock and roll? Yeah, dude. Spiking your wife's cereal with chemicals? What was the suspect's name? General Mills? Hello! Suspect Fernando Porras' 17-year-old daughter. Porras!

How do you have enough money for cereal, then? This is pathetic. Never marry a Porras. I think that was one of the first things I heard about that. I'm worth millions, but you're still a Porras, aren't you, honey ass I think that That was one of the first I'm worth millions But you're still a poor ass Aren't you honey God damn it

His 17 year old daughter Called 911 After her mother Said the cereal smelled And tasted awful It had been doused With the household cleaner Goof off

I know Maybe he just thought It was a roof I was expecting Like a poisoner's Handbook type recipe, but he just fucking poured drink off in there. Now he would have the perfect last words. His wife's like dying.

He's like, honey, goof off. And then he's like, honey, now you could kiss my poor ass goodbye. That's a good one. Sounds like it would make it sweet. Goof off sounds like a sugary, sugary drink, though, doesn't it? It's such a cheapskate last meal. I mean, fucking Rice Krispies. Put it in her steak.

Have some fucking clads. Oh, I don't think they can do that. But the daughter busted him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The daughter, this is a quote from the daughter. She goes, something's in it, something's in it. So I went and picked it up, and when I saw what was in the cup, I could smell it, and I was

like, oh my gosh, this is a chemical. How many spoonfuls did she have before she realized she was eating goofballs? Oh, this is delightful. This is great. This is real good. It's almost too good to be this generic cereal we bought over at the Pathway. Yeah, I'm gonna guess three. This is bad. This is bad.

This is bad. This is really bad. I'm just going to eat it. It's in the bowl. I have a spoon. When you buy the cereal in the bag. It doesn't even come in a box. I love bagged cereal. Poor ass cereal.

It's the best. Ben, you're going to poison Ed to death. He's been to a pain in the ass with dog shit. You wanna take all the royalties from him. Stop booking me, Eddie. How do you set this up? What kind of meal do you make him? What do you do here? Oh, for Edward, I think oyster. You can actually poison an oyster very

good. Goof off makes them taste better than they actually are. I bet. And Eddie will just down them naturally 12 at a time. Yeah. So even before he realizes that he's had a taste, before a taste bud actually, he's like, oh, there's something there. I'll just cover him in horseradish. Yeah, he covers him in horseradish

as well. If I was going to poison Eddie, I'd just shoot him in the head. Yeah, poison him with a bullet. But that's not going to work. He's not going to die. He's just going to come back a little bit weaker and slurred. Yeah. And you're going to have to fucking wipe me. Yeah, which and that'll be disgusting like regarding eddie he's just so nice he's just such a cruel fucking attack let me make the poopy poopy poop and he's like eddie i can learn a lot from you these days that's interesting we are all children i just like ben the taste buds

sound like old field hands. Yeah, they are. No, he still has plantation slaves in there. It's really sad. That's why he's got wooden teeth. Is there other ones besides plantation slaves? Yeah, sure. At the Kissel place there are. Yeah, absolutely. Sex slaves, plantation slaves.

Slaves that just hang around and be my friends. And for Kissel's family, Jews. Yeah. Whoa! And just like that, we're out of showbiz. What? Hang around and be my friends. And for Kissel's family, Jews. Whoa! Whoa! And just like that, we're out of showbiz. What? God damn it, Kissel.

Jeffrey, have you ever had to wipe somebody's elderly person's ass? You're a little bit older, so maybe a relative of yours went through dissonance. Dissonance? Discontinence. Discontinence. Thank you. Hey, I'm in America. Incontinence.

Incontinence. No, not disson America. Incontinence. Incontinence. Poopy pants. Poopy pants? You ever wipe an ass? I have actually not wiped an older person's ass. Has anybody wiped an older... You have, Kiki? Of course you have.

I don't like. It's not pleasant. Do you have to pretend like you're not wiping their ass? Or like, yeah, the Saints are looking pretty good this year. As you scrub on their anus that's elderly and seen a lot of things? I'm mostly just trying to keep a smile on your face and the person is normally so humilified.

They just think you're the weirdest woman laughing and grinning behind them as you wipe shit out of their ass. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. It was great. My grandfather used to have to get his ass wiped by the nurse all the time when he was older. My mother

would wipe his ass sometimes when she would go over and he would just shit himself. He loved it. He liked it, huh? He loved it. He just sat there and he'd be like, I did it! I did it again! Wow! But Iggy, the guy that you were wiping, he was embarrassed. It was a lady. Oh, make sure that you wipe away from the butthole.

Wait, no, away from the vagina. You wipe up. If women go down, it gets into them. I'm going to go against the grain. Against the grain. You don't want to be making pearls in there. It's like shark skin. Yes. Huh?

So she hated it. Shark skin. You can't... One way sharp and one way smooth. Is that right? Yeah, same thing from vagina to butthole. Interesting. Yeah, because if you do it the opposite way, you get barbs in your hands.

I didn't know that. Wait, you wipe the elderly shark's ass? No, no. A full-grown, just normal young woman. But I was paid to do it. I'm a nurse prostitute. I get paid to act like a male nurse to women.

The nursetitute. That is pretty hot. That's a combination I enjoy. I just replace IV bags in tiny panties. Is that gross? That's a combination I enjoy. Yeah, yeah. I just show up. I just replace IV bags in, like, tiny panties. Is that gross? That's so weird. Probably large panties. I guess when you're getting your ass wiped.

Yeah, so it's larger panties. But tiny on me. They'd be big on you. Henry, you would make a... Or just normal. Would you make the choice to be happy when you were getting your ass wiped as an elderly man? No, no, I'd cry to make it worse. You would cry?

Yeah. When will death come? Cover the mirror, I can see the reaper's gaze. I'll be good when I'm older. It's good you're practicing. I don't know. I would like it. I can't wait for somebody To wipe my ass

It's gonna be a lot of fun Down there Just because it's so much work For you to do it Yeah I mean I've done a terrible job For 30 years I just wanna get bad at it

I'll say I'm bad at it And I think somebody better Than me at it Could do it better Just now You just wanna get an ass Wiper right now Yeah essentially

It would just be nice now To get it Like Eddie Murphy In Coming to America My mom bought me A bunch of white underwear For Christmas Stupid Bad idea She bought you brown underwear Is what she bought you get it. Like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. My mom bought me a bunch of white underwear for Christmas. Bad idea. She bought you brown underwear

is what she bought you. That's bad, man. I hate Santa. That means you're still her little baby. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am. I got a pair of white underwear from Santa this year. Santa's a pervert. Yeah, Santa's disgusting. Santa wants to wipe your ass. I got underwear from Santa.

Santa still comes to my house. But it's just signed from dad? That's gross. If you're a father, you cannot get your daughter underwear. Every pair of that underwear is signed from dad. Exactly. Wear this around your vagina. That's my favorite part about signing.

I have white underwear from Santa and I still have not worn it. Well, women can't wear white underwear. There's no way. They're so gross down there. Wear it as a hat. It's a one-time deal. Yeah. What's wrong with you fucking people? I wear white underwear every single day.

You're like a lizard-like human. Yeah, you're the lizard, bro. Whoa! What though if my head fell back and I was just a lizard's head and I started eating all you guys? Vote for me! Vote for me, President! I just feel like I would just be happy

that you finally came out as a lizard. That would be nice. I don't know how I'll tell my parents. Yeah, my grandparents are very conservative. This is your Todd Glass moment coming out. Eddie Burrell got fired, Todd Glass came out, and Holden's a lizard. What can I say?

Instead of getting wiped, I'd rather get sprayed with a hose. Yeah? Yeah, I think I'd rather get sprayed down. High pressure? I agree. So, a bidet. Ooh, yeah. Bidet.

Yeah, but I want like a Korean man with a real strong hose. Bungee down. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Just spraying me down. We were talking, Henry and I were talking about getting the old colonoscopy. Ooh. Getting all of it out. Yeah, get that snicker bar out of there. Jeffrey, you've had one, right talking about getting the old colonoscopy. Getting all of it out. Get that snicker bar in there.

Jeffrey, you've had one, right? A what? A colonoscopy. No, I haven't had a colonoscopy. Jeffrey, you've got to get your truck up. You're a piece of the future. Jeffrey, you're 50 years old. Get a colonoscopy.

You want one? I'll get you one. I'll find you a colonoscopy. You want one? You want a coupon for one? I'll get you one. I have some. Jeffrey, when's...

I just want a pair of white underwear from Kiki's father. It would be nice. We all want that, Jeffrey. Delivered from Kiki. Just be good this year. Yes. I'm just concerned for your health, Jeffrey. I'd like to wade out into a lake and just poopoo in a lake.

It's fun. The fish come and bite the little bits off. I watched Ben poopoo in a river once. Poopoo in a river. And then you see the poop It's fun. Well, I mean, I watched... Fish come and feed a little bite, little bits off. I watched Ben poo-poo in a river once. Poo-poo in a river, and then you see the poo-poo, and you say, goodbye, poo-poo. Wasn't your girlfriend... Yeah. Wasn't your girlfriend, like, holding you? Holding my hand?

Yeah, she was. Yeah. That's amazing. It's beautiful. I know. It was. It was kind of a moment to behold. And she said, you can do it.

You can do it. I think it's a Native... I can do it. I've done it every single day for the past 30 years. I think it's technically a Native American wedding No that was our first child It's our little Moses Just like Willow

It's a midget person taking over the netherworld Right now It's very nice How much shit comes out of a kissle Oh buckets It's gotta be like It's actually a shit. I sign all of them Wilson.

It's got to be like soft serve ice cream. I'll tell you, Dairy Queen used me once or twice in a pinch. They gave me a phone call. We're out of chocolate. I'd be like, well, I've been eating a lot of pizza. I think I can help you out. Oh, man. So what did this Kobe Bryant looking motherfucker do?

All right. This is a follow up to a story we've talked about before. An Iraq war veteran charged with By the way, he's Hispanic, Ed. He looks like Kobe Bryant. He looks like Kobe Bryant. And reading. An Iraq war veteran charged with fatally stabbing four

homeless men in Southern California was reportedly a thrill-seeker who took pleasure in killing his victims. Whoa, this is the homeless serial killer this is the homeless yeah that's what you tell the military and then they're like yeah absolutely come and be with us you're a thrill seeker who likes killing people you're perfect yeah he's a great man yeah the suspect 23 year old it's kodal okampo oh is he like mine he's like mayan yeah yeah he's may Appeared calm and intelligent and showed no sign of mental illness.

Because he's trained. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, the sign of mental illness is stabbing all those homeless people. Yeah. That's probably the part where I check off the mental illness box. And you know, his calendar ends this year anyway. Yeah, that's true.

Let's not forget that. Get all the new experiences in before December. I'm bored, though. Is there going to be a lot of nothing to lose crimes because of this whole 2012 thing? Yes. Probably. Don't fuck with a Mayan this year, boy. Don't fuck with a Mayan.

I mean, there's just nobody that's upset that he killed four homeless people, though. Not really. I don't think that they should have arrested him. Let him go. I mean, if he would have killed a doctor, that would have been terrible. Or a lawyer. Or a teacher. You sound like the Republican debates. Yeah, yeah. Newt, newt, newt, newt, newt, newt, that would have been terrible. Or a lawyer. Or a teacher. You sound like the Republican debates.

Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Well, thank you. Jeffrey, let me ask you. Do you want food stamps or a paycheck? That's a new question! That's a new question! Newt said that? Newt said that people don't want food stamps.

They want paychecks. I do want a paycheck. Yeah! Newt! Newt! Newt! new question. Newt said that? Newt said that people don't want food stamps, they want paychecks. I do want a paycheck. Yeah! Newt, Newt, Newt, Newt, Newt! And if I can still get some food stamps. I want both. I want booze stamps. That would be perfect. But you could buy booze with your paycheck. Oh, man.

That's my money. Either way. You gotta let this guy continue to kill. That's my money. I mean, that's what I already do. Either way. You gotta let this guy continue to kill. That's all I'm saying. Why not? Yeah, yeah. The three victims were stabbed more than 40 times each, each with a single-edged blade. 40 times each with a single-edged blade?

I'm glad it wasn't those two-sided, like, what's his name, from Star Wars, the new Star Wars movies, the Darth Maul fucking swords. No, not two-sided like that. I don't think you know how knives work. I'm not a fucking killer, Marcus. I'm not either. I'm a comedian.

I use knives in my clay figurine making. Oh, that's scary. God, that is scary. What the fuck? What were you going to say, Jeffrey? I think it was mean. Please say something mean. That's the point of the show you going to say, Jeffrey? I don't think it was mean. Don't say something mean. Please say something mean. That's the point of the show, man. Yeah, man.

Yeah, it's like, are you serious? We just talked about wiping asses for 20 minutes. What were you going to say, Jeffrey? What's the mean thing that you had on your head as you dipped? The homeless obituary. He died at home. On the corner of Century Boulevard and Imperial. That's also where their wake will be

and the funeral. It's already happened. He was survived by Toothless Mary. I can't believe they killed old Scissor Greg doing the thing he loved most, which is staring at a street post. It ain't right. It ain't right.

Struck down in the nut prime of his life. It ain't right It ain't right Struck down in the nut prime of his life It ain't right at all I love it It is sad though Did they get an obituary? Did they make an obit for him? They haven't mentioned a single name in the entire story I can't believe they caught this guy so quickly

Well they caught him with blood on his hands and face. Oh, my God. He was wearing a homeless man's skin like a coat. Oh, I see. Yeah, he was chased. Bystanders chased him down after a man was stabbed to death outside a fast food restaurant. Oh, wow. So broad daylight.

Carl's Jr., that's right. It was at night, but still. Is this the one in Hollywood? This is in L.A. proper. Which Carl's Jr.? I actually love them shit. Yeah, Carl's Jr. is great. It's the best burger. Anti-Semites, but really good burgers.

What happened with Carl's Jr. and Hardy's? Because they're the same restaurant. It's the same restaurant. And then there was a falling out. Carl and Hardy got in a fight. Carl's is a bomb, though, man. You're a Carl's Jr. guy? I grew up a Hardy's guy. I'm a Carl's Jr. guy? I grew up with a Hardy's guy.

I'm a Carl's Jr. guy, yeah. Yeah. Really? I like Fatburger. Oh, man, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this is a good burger segment. You're liking the burger segment.

I am liking the burger segment. You're trying to, you know, we're voting for officials later. If you become president, you can have a burger segment in every episode. This whole podcast is being played with. And, you know, we're voting for officials later. If you become president, you can have a burger segment in every episode. Oh, my God. This whole podcast is being played. The burger table of gentlemen. It's just a whole bunch of... Eddie, what's the best burger you've ever had in your life?

Oh, my God. Jackson Hole, the Texas burger. Fucking fried egg. Sunny side up egg on top. Cheddar, bacon, crispy onions. Holy shit. Oh, I love it. I can't believe you lived to tell about it, man.

That's amazing. Oh, boy. Jackson Hole. Great place. You're talking to five guys. Five guys is my favorite. How many people make it? Favorite burger is my favorite burger.

Really? Five guys? I need a steak and shake. I gotta go with it. Midtown, right? Easily better. Have you been there, Kiki? Steak and shake. I always thought steak and shake would be gross. I don't like steak and shake. I gotta go with it. Midtown, right? Easily better. Have you been there, Kiki? Steak and shake.

I always found steak and shake to be gross. I don't like steak and shake. I cook too long on my milkshakes. That's different. That's your taste. You should have gotten a steak, Eddie. It's my Midwest taste. Yeah, it brings me back to high school.

They need to get a Ponderosa in Midtown. That would be the fucking... Ponderosa doesn't exist anymore. Too many boogers in a salad bar, man. That's what I like so much about it. I put them all there. It's a corner bistro opening up two blocks away from here. What I want is a

good old-fashioned sizzler. Sizzler? Why are we talking about restaurants we wish we had? Because we're all fat white men. And this is what we do. Alright, moving on ladies and gentlemen. You are too today. I'm not a fat white man. You're maybe. That's why you did not chime in.

That's why you ended the conversation, and you sat there quiet. Okay, I don't want to move on quite yet. I want to actually discuss about this thing, Eddie, that you're going through right now, chit-chatting online with young ladies. Oh! All right, we've got a super fan. Her name is Megan Lambert. Have you met her yet?

Lamberger. She's a Lamberger. Lamberger. It's close enough that the burger thing. Burger thing. Edit it right. Let's redo it. We're going to edit this right.

So speaking of burgers, Eddie, you've been talking to this young Dave. You're too excited, Ben. You're too excited. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Speaking of burgers. He's literally hovering a foot above his chair. Megan Lamburger.

She's a 15-year-old fan. She loves the show because she's smart. She said she listened to every episode two or three times. 15 people. 15. It is disturbing, Kiki. As a girl. Okay, but Eddie... I mean, I told her she shouldn't be listening to the show. Yeah. That's what all pedophiles say, though. Oh, are you sure? Do you need some adult...

I'm not a fucking pedophile! I log out because I get so scared. Ben, you were incapable of just having a normal, plutonic friendship? I don't have a friendship. I log out. She's too young for a friendship, which, of course, friendship entails me, you know, like, doing awkward stuff. No.

I will talk to anyone who listens to this show because that is madness that you actually spend the time and listen to this show. I think you're probably talking to everyone who listens to this show. Yeah, if I talk to her, then that's everyone. I'm just saying. It's like her, everyone in this room, and her. We're going to everyone who listens to this show. Yeah, if I talk to her, that's everyone. I'm just saying. It's like her, everyone in this room, and her. We're going to get into a lot of trouble. I didn't give her my phone number or a home address. Oh, you didn't show up at her place like I did?

She lives in Oregon. I just don't think you can talk to girls that young online. I just watched Chris Hansen to catch her predator. I kept asking her if she was a cop. I feel like that's dangerous. I think it's dangerous. Do you talk to her, Marcus? Yeah, of course.

No, no, no. She became a fan because she's a fan of sex and other human activities. We answered a question for her. A sexual question? It wasn't a sexual question. It was a mental health question.

All right. For you or for her? She was asking my advice. She helped him out. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he said, hunt it with a knife.

Yes. I would just like to welcome this fan to the fold. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. We are declaring you to be the number one fan of Cave Comedy Radio. There you go. Hold on.

Of Cave Comedy Radio in general. Oh, okay. You're still of age. Is Isadora not listening? I love her and I could have sex with her, because she's an adult. And that's what I like the most about her. We should just all sit in silence.

You're just a bad human. When he says it. Why? You're the bad one. I am logging out of Facebook when this 15-year-old girl is trying to slut all over me. That's because you're scared. Hey, Ben, how are you? I know what that means.

You are afraid of what you can do. You're afraid of being a predator. Ben is bad. It's the same reason why I don't hunt mammals. I'm afraid I'm going to like it too much. It's a good idea. I don't know. It is scary.

I am not the arbitrator of this show, but we should move on to a new story. Well, all I know... If you could just see Ben Kissel's face, and every TV movie in America would cast you as a pedophile, Calvin Lester. Oh, thank you, Jeffrey! Thank you, Jeffrey! We wouldn't see you right away.

Sorry I can't be the fucking point guard for the first integrated school in the South. All pedophiles are gigantic. No, they're not! Pedophiles are small men that are... Alright, fine. I'm going to chat up. All I've got to say is you need to start working

on your breakdown scene for the TV movie. You guys want to hear some Nazi news? Yeah, let's hear it. Alright, for $139,000 a year, you can rent the bunker complex used by Hitler during World War II. Bunker party! $139,000 a year for a fucking bunker but known as the wolf's lair the 32 acre site yeah exactly the 32 acre site was

built in a polish forest and became the central headquarters of the nazi dictator from 1941 to 1944 the wolf's lair was big enough to accommodate 2,000 Nazis. Ooh, that's a lot. That's a lot of Nazis. Ghosts? Midtown prices. Yes, Jeffrey? Nothing. What are you going to say, Jeffrey? Imagine being haunted by Hitler's ghost. I feel like we're in a Nazi lair right now.

Just because Ben's here, I'm keeping it clean with my half-Jew. What I would love to find out is that they had, like, they installed, like, a jacuzzi and, like, a couple of slip and slides and it's just, like, in a roller rink, like, down there. That'd be a lot of fun. Of course, the first shitty joke

off the top of my head was jacuzzi, which is just so nice. Oh, that's fun. Jacuzzi. God, it's funny that you still went through with it. Yeah, I had to. It was too bad to not say that. But the thing is, the German forces destroyed a lot of it as they fled, so it's kind of

bombed out. But they should have remade it, right? You can still rent it. Would you rent it, Ben? It's a fixer-upper bunker. Fixer-upper bunker for $139 a year? It's 39 acres. How much is that per month?

33 acres. Oh, my goodness. You could get 2,000 of your Nazi friends to come and have a sleepover. I don't have 2,000 Nazi friends. You would soon. I could. That's true. That's true. I could. Is it close to public transportation?

Did you just open it for bar mitzvahs? That would be nice. You're going to rent it out. It could be a great time. That'd be great. It could be a great gay. That'd be great. It could be a great gay club. Hitler's bunker.

It's called the Wolf Slayer. That also sounds like a gay bar. Call me Mr. Beta. Call me Mr. Wrong. It's like all these go-go dancers and shit. Dressed up as Hitler, but with their dicks out. I just love that there's still Nazi news. Oh, there's Nazi news.

You know, I have to skip over most... There's a Nazi story every single week, but I can't do a Nazi story every week. You're right, because I don't want to... What has the bunker been used for up to this point? It's mostly just been a tourist site. It draws 180,000 tourists per year. It's a ghost house, yeah. 180,000 tourists a year. So that's...

A dollar a tourist, you're still making money off of this place. I suppose so. What are they going there for? Do they go in honor of Hitler? They go to shit there? They take big dumps? Have their butts wiped? I'd go look at it. Just see what it's all about?

Hit the bong and go out there? That'd be great. That'd be pretty fun. I would definitely go out there too. Why the fuck wouldn't you? Where Hitler got killed? That'd be pretty fun. I would definitely go out there, too. Yeah. Yeah, why the fuck wouldn't you? Where Hitler got killed? That's a great tour. Hitler did not get killed there. That was his command center from 41 to 44. Command center.

He got killed in a bunker in... He just lived in bunkers. He killed himself in a bunker in Berlin. Well, supposedly killed himself. And in order so the Russians... Why do they think he killed himself for sure? Because what they think happened is that Hitler and

Eva Braun took the cyanide pills and then some other Nazis burned their bodies outside of the bunker. There was witnesses. His secretaries and stuff were the last ones there. You read a book about the last days of Hitler. Yeah, it was called The Bunker. His secretaries were all still there.

So there's a lot of witnesses to the fact that they burned the bodies. I don't think he would have made it. He wouldn't have made it out alive. No, definitely not. Yeah. If he didn't get... They were all... He was entirely surrounded by the Russian and American forces.

And Russians are fucking insane. They probably killed anyone who looked even halfway German on the way in. Yeah, yeah. Eddie, what heinous location? Just aim for the mustache. That's the thing. Knock out his two front teeth. That's all he wanted for Christmas.

I'm working for Reader's Digest now. I don't know. What's the most heinous place ever that you can think to visit? Like a crime that happened? Or sort of a genocide? Go back to your childhood home. A little boy's ass. A little boy's ass?

God knows. Showers at a locker room at Penn State. Dude, we have to go to the showers at the locker room at Penn State. Oh yeah, you wear a little spinny hat. Yeah, be a boy. Try to get the ghost of Jerry Sandusky to come out and haunt your asshole. Oh, look,

it's Joppa. I'm not saying anything. Oh, Joppa. Just staring at me as I cry. He doesn't seem to be concerned.

Joppa, dead, dead, dead. Yeah. I can't believe it killed him, man.

That's great. Yeah, completely killed him. It caused his body to shut down. Do you think it was the cancer or do you think

it was the eating a bed and the pedophilia? I think it was karma. Karma killed him? Little boy ghost choking him to death in his sleep. Chopin. That's such a good death. I'm really happy he's gone. Yeah, slow death by lung cancer.

There's so many 20 fucking Penn State girls crying. This time last year, the whole world would have been, all of America would have been in tears. This is why you can't talk to young chicks on Facebook, Ed. She's a girl at least. That's a good point. I mean, that's the thing though, is that that doesn't make

any sense. You've obviously still got 15-year-old girls on the brain. Me? I was never attracted to 15-year-old girls. I've never had sex. I was never able to get with one. The youngest girl I ever fucked was 24 years old. Oh yeah, good for you. Thanks buddy.

God, it's just bad. It just feels bad. Why? It makes my skin crawl on my spine. A 24 year old girl? No, just your stories. Your life. What are you talking about? That's very normal. Henry couldn't even handle a fucking step

stepmother's daughter and him banging all through high school, which is crazy to me. Oh, his fucking scenario. It's totally fine. I think it's completely fine. If you, if you, your father started dating a new woman after a divorce and a young taut, hot stepdaughter

moved into the house. You're in high school. She's in high school. She decides to become a seductress You're just a fucking You're a rapist No No What's wrong with that That's why I don't like Woody Allen

You are completely in the wrong here Henry Woody Allen is disgusted I think it's great It's gross It's romantic It's pretty gross It's not romantic It's great Wasn't there a TV show's romantic. It's pretty gross. It's not romantic. It's great.

It was in our TV show where that happened. Is there? Where the two people got together. I was just curious. You can go to the Brady Bunch movie. Was it the Brady Bunch movie? Yeah. It is a full circle relationship, though.

Woody was wiping Suni's ass, and now Suni is wiping his ass. It's like a nice little situation. They love each other. They do love each other. They do love each other. He raised the perfect wife. That's the best part about having sex with your daughter. Is that you just know how to make her great. God!

That is evil. That's what happens. But then you can also make great movies like Manhattan and the Man Murder Mystery. Curse of the Jade Scorpion. Yeah, yeah. Just fuck your daughter for a couple years. Curse of the Jade Scorpion. Yeah, yeah. You just fuck your daughter for a couple years. Curse of the Jade Scorpion. Of course you would bring that in.

Yeah, that was a good one. Awful film. He was probably fucking her a lot during the course of the Jade Scorpion there, the curse there. This is my curse. Yeah. She's sort of a Jade Scorpion.

Asians like Jade. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What is that? Yeah, it's... That's weird territory. Random racism by Ed Larson. I mean, it's not. I mean, Ed Larson. I mean, it's not.

I mean, everyone likes Jade. I mean, really, as far as stereotype, that's a pretty harmless stereotype. But still, it's like... They do like Jade. And that people like Jade. People like Jade. I like the color Jade. There was a gay club in Tallahassee called Jade.

Oh, fun. It was for lesbians. I never got to go. Lesbians. I thought you were hosting some horror show I couldn't go there Because lesbians were there But you like to drink so much

I'm surprised you didn't just I just went in there and hung out with my girls That's good I used to hang out outside and just watch people leave and come in You're very He just saves people watching. You're at a big risk of getting killed by that one fellow who murdered all the homeless people. Because you looked homeless.

All right. I want to know about Jeffrey's first sexual affair. Joffrey, when you pulled down the old leggings of that gal, you were banging. Oh, he is funny. I want to know about it. I can see your little penis now, Kissel. It's very small. Yes, Ben, your penis...

They're like Christian milk. And we're back. Yeah, Ben, your penis is very small. Yeah. Thank you. Tiny thighs for big thighs. What's new in the news? Are we supposed to forget, like to not show that there was a lapse in time?

There was a bit of a lapse in time. Well, Marcus is from New York. We dropped the feed. That's fine. Yeah, the feed fell. The feed fell. We were talking about things that the government was like, this is too good. The humans can't hear this.

Art Bell shut us down. Exactly. Actually, what we were on, Jeffrey, you lost your virginity to a singer. To a singer, yeah. A singer. Was she a famous singer? No. Infamous singer.

So she was just a chick who didn't have a job? I lost mine to a dancer. Did you? I lost mine to a soccer player. Oh my lord, the legs. Small tatas, though. But you were in high school, Jeffrey? What?

Can we move on? No. Where you at? You gotta move. It's none of your big fucking business. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, I know that. It's nobody's business.

So, okay, so you were in high school. I lost my virginity to a hamster. Was it a singer? I killed it. Oh, you killed it. All right. Well, scratch it. Yeah.

I lost mine to a pharmacist. You did not. Yeah, yeah killed it. All right. Well, scratch it. Yeah. I lost mine to a pharmacist. You did not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. Well, she's a pharmacist now. Back then, she was just some chick with rollerblades. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, this was like recently. That's right. She'd rollerblade to your house, wouldn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I lost mine to a soccer player. Ooh. David Beckham? Great.

A male. That's the only one I know. Just like a great body, great legs, really firm tits,? Great. A male. That's the only one I know. Just like a great body, great legs, really firm tits, redhead. Huge dick. Gigantic. Down to her knees. Still recovering from it for this day.

Love soccer players. I have daymares because of it. Yeah, daymares are the worst because they don't shut your eyes ever. They just show up like a movie in front of your face. So were you like 15, Jeffrey? 15 years old? It's just the nervousness. I feel like something scandalous must have happened to you.

No, I just think he doesn't want to tell you. Just make it up then! It's interesting that he goes to the age of 15, which is the name of that young girl out in Oregon. It's not the name of her. It's not like we're in Blossom. We're not hanging people after numbers.

He went right back to that. Yes, he did. You're fucked up, Ben. Whatever. All right, fine. Jeffrey's never had sex with a woman. That's fine with me. All right.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well, it's fine. What happened to Pinkberry? Pinkberry. Okay. The co-founder of the Pinkberry frozen yogurt chain has been arrested for a savage attack on a homeless panhandler in Los Angeles.

Prosecutors say Young Lee and an unidentified second suspect, believing the homeless man had disrespected them by displaying a sexually explicit tattoo. Yeah, it was Mr. Softy. Yeah. a sexually explicit tattoo. Yeah, it was Mr. Softy. Beat him with a tire iron, leaving him with a broken arm and cuts on his head. Beat him with a tire iron?

Why does he have a tire iron on him? You own Pinkberry! I never hear anyone using a tire iron for work. I always hear tire irons being used to kill people. Why don't we keep making them? I don't know. That's a good point. We can't have guns.

We can't have Tyron. Tyron. It's hard to say. Tyron. Tyron. Especially if your name is Young Lee. Tyron. Tyron.

Tyron. Aido is Tyron. Jeffrey. Yeah, this guy, he is also a former kickboxer. Now, is he Asian or is he black? Because an Asian is young Lee is one thing, but then a black would be young Lee. You know what I'm saying? I think he's Asian.

I'm going to go Asian. No, yeah, he was arrested in Los Angeles on his way back from South Korea. So the man who invented the gayest form of ice cream is a karate master? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, well, he's a co-finder. I don't know if he actually invented the Pinkberry. What's the thing about Pinkberry?

You could be a silent partner. Pinkberry's got a bunch of... It's like low-fat and it's got a bunch of crazy toppings. It's like the Starbucks of frozen yogurt. Stupid ice cream. A fake ice cream. Lines out the door around the corner. Why have you never been to one?

Overpriced. Yeah, I'm sure. It's gross. It tastes like plastic. Pinkberry sounds like an STD. It sounds like something you get in your pussy. It's disgusting. Those are brown berries.

Oh, those are brown berries? Pinkberry. Improperly. Pinkberry also just sounds like the last name of a man who invents candy for a living. Yeah, that's true. Michael Pinkberry. Pinkberries sound like a really fun name for a herpes outbreak. She's got her pinkberries.

I'm more likelying pink berry. But I still love her! You like pink berry there, Kiki? Big fan, huh? Not really. And now a segment from Holden McNeely. Alright, well, this is RGA, Roundtable Government Association.

We're going to pass out these white pieces of paper. Four more years! No one is elected yet. So, if you want to take a few and pass around, I think we're only voting for three here. Oh, just three? I thought there was four. Three what? We're voting for President of the Roundtable, Vice President of the Roundtable, and Treasurer of the Roundtable. Can I be your Vice President, Jeffrey?

What are the duties of treasurer? We can give speeches. We'll go one at a time. We'll do president first. Treasurer, your responsibility is you get all the money. You play with all the money. You handle it. You look at it. You count it out for us. You tell us

our totals. All the money? All the money. How much money? The fucking money pumping through round tables is insane. All the money. I'll tell you what, I'll give Treasure a boost. This episode is brought to you by Best Buy. Go to Best Buy, pick up DVDs, pick up Yeah, yeah, they're sponsors now. Best Buy, yeah.

Thank you, Best Buy. Grab pins. This is going to make the tally. You can vote for anyone in this room. And, uh, or Is there like a primary system to find who the nominees are? No. If you would like to say something... I'm president! You are president now?

You're not going to be president. I'll be debating. Wait, will this be the first ever president and vice president? So this is like the Continental Congress. Exactly. This is the founding fathers. Oh, this is like the Continental Congress. Exactly. This is the founding fathers. Oh, this is magic. And I was initially going to have us vote for the town idiot of the roundtable, but Henry brought up the good idea.

I think that the president will elect the town idiot upon election. Yeah, because idiots are fucking stupid. The president controls everything. The vice president is the hand of the president. The vice president does all of the president's biddings. If he tells you to cut off the child's head, you cut off the child's head. Okay. And the treasurer fucking you get the money.

So for presidents, does anybody want to say something in honor of their running for president? As president, I will cut all of your microphones off and I will be able to talk. You can change the name of the show. You can, you could. I don't think that counted as a speech. No, I'm not. In fact, don't vote for him. And we're going honor system here for votes.

Ed, I think you would make a decent president. I'd make a great president. Why? Why not? I'm voting. How does this begin? How does this even begin? Are we going to announce who's going to run for president?

We're about to vote Is everyone running for everything? Jeffrey, what do you want to say? I'm not saying anything You're the Hillary Clinton of this election Whoa That's nice I will say as president

I'm going to change the name I'm going to fucking punish The wicked And reward the As president, I'm going to change the name. I'm going to fucking punish the wicked. That's the new name of the show? And reward the noble. What's the new name? The new name will be like Hanky Jerky or something like that. Hanky Jerky?

The Hanky Jerky Club. I kind of like it. Hanky Jerky Club is kind of better. See, I've gotten the license. I'm probably going to vote for him. You'd be a good VP. I can't vote for myself. I might vote for you.

Yeah, you can vote for yourself. Why can't you vote for yourself? The honor system. You can't vote for yourself. Well, I'm voting for no honors. That's not the honor system. The honor system is like I'm going to leave a bucket of candy and I hope no one takes it. That's not lying.

All right, fine. You can vote for yourself. The only person outside of this thing that you can vote for outside of this room is Ryan Chalky's dick. All right? So let's begin. Can't vote for it? You can.

Of course you can vote for it. I think I should be treasurer. Well, Kiki, why do you think you should be? I'm the only person here probably with a 401k and a Roth IRA. I have no credit card debt and probably more than that. I'm just going to say she is treasurer. She's mad sexy.

That is mad sexy. That is mad sexy. Everyone in favor say aye. Aye. Kiki's a treasurer. Kiki's a treasurer. Alright. Only one among us with a real job. Kiki's our treasurer Kiki's our treasurer Alright Only one among us with a real job

Let's vote Let's vote for president We gotta give more speeches President has to be last The thing is the vice president is gonna serve the president Okay vice president I would like to nominate Young Lee

Young Lee And his slogan is You don't come around here no more I would like to nominate Young Lee Young Lee for president and his slogan is you don't come around here no more most racist thing ever said on the road that's not true Ben would you like to be my running mate

would you like to be my VP yes I would so me and Ben are a package deal you can't vote for me without voting for Ben. But I might vote for someone other than Ben. That's fine. Yeah. That's the thing.

I am going to run for president and vice president. All right? To serve us both at the same time. Okay. You want to be both. All right. Here's the thing. Because I know me.

Right? I'm a good boss of me. Right? Yeah. I've never had a boss. I haven't had a boss in years. What did you do this morning? I can't keep a job. What? What did you do this morning? I ate a good boss of me. Right? I've never had a boss. I haven't had a boss in years. What did you do this morning? Because I can't keep a job.

What? What did you do this morning? I ate a couple oranges. I watched some X-Files. I did some research about reincarnation for another hit podcast. It was the last podcast on the left. It's bigger than this podcast. That is not a good thing.

I'm just saying it's a bigger podcast than this podcast. I don't want you to be invited to the last podcast right now. I'm just saying it's a good podcast. I'm president of. Because you're so big. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. When it comes down to it.

But to be president and vice president, you've got to have ego for two. You've got to be able to get out there, mix it up. In the mucky muck. In the swamp of the bullshit that everyone wants to feed you. Because everybody... No, man. Fuck this. Fuck your fucking voting system. I don't know if you have a temperament right now.

I'm just saying, getting bigger and badder and blacker and meaner. You can't get blacker. I'm covered in soot. I've been crawled up through chimneys going into people's homes. I'm going to be vice president and president for 2012 for more years. You haven't started. I am running this election.

I wish to boo you at this moment, but I cannot. Does anyone else have anything to say for being vice president or president in this next election? Otherwise, we're going to start voting for vice president. Can I give a vice president speech? That was a president speech. How about a debate? Would you like to hold a debate with someone in this room? I'd like a debate. Oh, okay. Okay, Jeffrey and Henry. Between the presidential candidates. Am I the presidential candidate? No, you're VP. Ah, alright. You're my VP. Okay, Ed and Henry. Ed and Ben versus me. Yeah.

Because I'm in this room. No, Jeffrey. And Kiki is in this room. And Marcus is in this room. Oh, are you out of the running since you're counting the tallies? Yeah, yeah. And I'm in this damn room right now. I'm going to invest 5% of our Tecantes into our 401k, but I'm going to match... Did you say Tecantes?

She is in Tecantes. That was the chick that that one fellow was banging. I'm going to match that. Oh! You get a raise. We have a matching plan. You're not president yet. I got to say,

there's only one ticket left. Me and you. We're running together. I'll be your hand. You just said you weren't running. Well, I want to now. You're running together. I'll be your hand. I'll serve you. You just said you weren't running. You can't run. You're tallying the votes. We can fix it.

This make-believe election is a fraud. I'm voting for Marcus. Yay! Eddie, we are a team. We are a team. Jeffrey, can we be together? I want to jump ship. I don't like Ed Larson. I mean, we are a team. Jeffrey, can we be together? I want to jump ship.

I don't like Ed Larson. I'm a VP candidate. I'm voting for Marcus too. Yeah. All right. So let's let the voting begin. Vice president, let it begin right now. No, I think, well, that's the thing is that we have tickets now.

One ticket is me and you. The next ticket is Ed and Ben. And the other ticket is just Henry. I'm off the ticket. Well, then you're out of the race. Yeah. Jeffrey, you want to be my VP? Jeffrey, I thought we were going to. I'll make you president. I'll be VP.

Okay, I'll be president. I don't want to be a fucking vice treasurer. Jeffrey will be president, you be VP. Ben's just out of it. I want to be president. I am president. You don't have a running mate. You can't. I am my own vice president and president.

And Kiki's treasurer already. So you've got to run for vice president and president. I'm going to run with this beer. Beer is my vice president. All right, letiki's treasurer already. So you've got to run for vice president and president. I'm going to run with this beer. Okay. Beer is my vice president. All right, let's write down who we wish to win in this current election. How do we do this? Just write down what you want. If you're a convicted felon, by the way, your vote will not be counted.

Eddie, when did that get expunged? I don't think that anyone was allowed to vote that year. Did that get expunged? It will not be counted. I've got to pre-dispose. Especially Floridians, if you're a fucking convict, your vote does not count. Write down your

ticket, write down your tickets. I have something to tell you, Jeffrey. I have a felony, and it's in Florida. Yeah. Whoa! Rip that up, baby, rip it up. Yeah, you can't vote. My vote does not count.

It cannot vote. You hear that, world? God damn it. The tiniest rips. Otherwise, Al Gore would have been a fucking president for eight years. There you go. Well, for four years. Come on. All right.

What ticket are you writing? Are you a felon, too, Marcus? Huh? Are you a felon also? I'm actually not a felon. I am not a felon either. Yes. I know it's a vote by that.

Yes. I almost got arrested for arson once. As long as I can keep these cops out of my house! Alright, alright. That's my vote. I needed a piece of paper. There you go, buddy. I don't know about that.

Well, it's just a piece of paper. I just destroyed your tits, because I'm sorry. So I just want to say, as president, I know that... I had a struck... I struck a harsh tone when I was running, but I know that now that I am president... You know what?

I just realized something. You're a felon from Florida, but we aren't in Florida right now. No, you still can't run. He can run. He's the kid who you couldn't think would do it. He's the comeback kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ted Kennedy, man. What are the tallies? All right. Here we go. One for Marcus Park's president. Yeah. All right. And if you vote for me, you vote for Holden.

There you go. I'm the hand of Marcus. Yeah. Who the fuck voted for that? Your hand's covered in dick. Another one for Eox Jeff. It's Ed and Jeff. Ed and Jeff.

Oh. There you go. Ed and Jeff. That's funny. One, one. One Henry president, vice president beer. You can't. All right.

One for Henry. Now it's a tie game so far. It's a dead game so far. So far it's a deadlock. Henry and Henry. Oh! Oh, he's pulling away. Henry's got two.

Ed and Jeffrey. Oh! Ben and Beer. Ben, you can't vote for yourself. I voted for Ed! Oh, that was you. Yeah, Kiki! The only chick in the room voted for me. Now we got...

It's a runoff. It's a runoff nowoff Now we have a runoff Man, if I was allowed to vote We would have fucking won So what's the runoff? How do we do this? The runoff, fuck, I don't know So we all vote again I'm out

Let's do slam poetry This time it's no longer anonymous It's going to be a show of hands We've got Henry versus Ed and Jeffrey. Take one second to think. One. Are you going to vote for Henry? Show of hands.

I vote for two because I'm me and the vice president. No. Motherfucker. Because I'm two people. Are you voting for Ed and Jeffrey? Yes! Yes! We did it.

Jeffrey, as president, what will you do? What do you want to do with the rest of us? I thought Ed was going to be president. He was going to be vice president. I'm going to do the same as Obama. Not a damn thing. I'm going to look good. I'm going to dress good.

It's a white man's world still, boys! And y'all can kiss my ass. Jeffrey, to take us out, sing us some Al Green's. Let's stay together. Who's the town idiot? Oh, yeah. Jeffrey, who is it?

Yeah, who's the town idiot? That's how they're appointed. You know. You know. You know it's Ben Kisly. Yeah! Fuck you assholes! Someone get him a big ding dong bell!

Oh, big ding dong, big ding dong hat! Big ding dong, big ding dong hat! That's for the round table of gentlemen. What a great one, huh? And Lars and Old McNilly, thanks for being here, Jeffrey. You were fantastic. Thanks for having me. I'm the president, motherfucker.

Thank you. As president. Who was the first girl you ever had sex with? All right. Henry Zebrowski and Kiki Caprella. It's been a nice time to be out of the house. Kiki, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me.

I can't wait to watch the Bears win tonight. Go Bears. Thanks, Jeffrey. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Can we go? Yeah. Can we go now?

We can get out of here. We are dismissed. Harumph! Harumph! I didn't get a harumph from that guy.