The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 82: The Japanese of the Animal Kingdom

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table: a man blames his wife beating on a ghost, a professional wrestler goes on an AIDS spree, and Germans. Dear Lord the Germans. Plus, we got Amber Nelson and Michael Che join us for a rousing game of Password!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Jesus Christ. That's a really good tagline. It is a good tagline. It really is. Ben, you're on prayer. Oh, dear

Beelzebub, please breast us with your milk. Alright. I can't even say it. Please breast us in your name we pray. Amen. Welcome to the Round Devil of Gentlemen, everybody. Wow. What a good quick prayer. Thank you.

What a fun show. Was that a prayer? What a fun show Was it a prayer? I don't know Good lord Breast us with your milk One more time I think God's milk

Would be delicious Oh yeah Sweet milk Extra sweet I bet it would be buttermilk What do you think? I think it would be Who are you talking?

Jackie Zabrowski Wait for it Get in my belly. Oh, good, Jackie. That is funny. Did you come up with that? Yeah, I made it up myself. Oh, my goodness.

I accidentally drank some shit recently. Okay. Holder McNeely, the shoes make the man. God damn it. You're an asshole. He's also barefoot. He's wearing trash bags duct taped around the ankle. Yeah, Kevin Barnett, man.

That's that shit. Yeah, Kevin. Cool. There he is. I'm Ben Kitzel. We've got Michael J. in the hut. How are you, buddy? I have less to say than everybody else. Fuck you. I think you actually said a lot more right there. Amber Nelson here as well. Amber Nelson, get in my butthole. That's why we have guests on the show.

Yeah, with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? A Wisconsin husband busted for beating his wife in a domestic dispute over finances offered a unique defense. Hold on, are you saying a man from Wisconsin beat his wife? Are you kidding me? It'll happen. Over finances. Here's the man's defense. It was over a

Colt.45 and he was like, I only got .355 in change. I gave you.375. Here's his defense. A ghost did it. Typical. Classic. What if he's telling the truth? Some ghosts whisper, other ghosts punch, you know?

That would be the sad thing. He just goes to jail. He's like, a ghost beat up my wife and that's why I'm here. They're like, okay, buddy. What if he just dressed up like a Klansman and beat the shit out of his wife? That would be nice. Did they say what kind of wounds were inflicted?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what happened. Cops arrived at Michael West's home to find his wife, Rebecca, crying very hard and bleeding from her nose. She said her husband struck her and tried to strangle her. West told officers his wife had fallen repeatedly to the floor and was strangled by a ghost. I like that a lot. And she said she wasn't? I call my hands ghosts. Yeah, that's what I said.

Was there meth involved in this story? It seems like a meth situation. He doesn't look like a meth head. No? Give a mugshot description. He looks how I wish I looked. Really? Oh, yeah.

He's got this beard that comes down to here and then up and then across one of these. Sort of a Guy Ferretti look. Kind of like John Goodman. Okay. Like Raising Arizona John Goodman a little bit. You wish you looked like John Goodman? Yeah, bro. I wish I was three times the size that I am right now. I'm trying to figure out a way to get this heater off. I am dying. My leg is too hot. I don't like my legs being hot.

Just reach over and hold down the power button. Take off your sweater. Just take off your sweater. Take off our shirt. I'm just hitting my legs. Oh, you're just hitting your legs? It's really good. I'm just going to take off my shirt.

Just press down the power button. Does it remind you of Jamaica? That's true. It's very hot. Maybe you could just lift it up. Something like that there. Or you can unplug it. Or just unplug it.

Or hit it with a hammer. Slam it down. Just unplug it. There's all different kinds of ways to turn off a heater. Just unplug it. No, he just put it up to 100. He just put it up to 100 degrees, everybody. It won't stop going up.

Good radio. Did the Wisconsin guy mention anything about heaters? That would be fun. I feel like if I were that woman, it's just so embarrassing for someone to find out that you got hit by your husband because that means you're not being a good wife. So I think that's really...

I would say, no, a ghost hit you. And I would apologize to my husband for ever saying that he would do this because he wouldn't do that to her unless she deserved it. That's a good point. Because what did she do before and what led up to this fight? Nothing. They were just very wealthy. They were arguing over how much money they have in finances.

That's for sure. Ladies and gentlemen, she's back. Hit them! Hit them! Hit them till they work! Ghost is a good defense, though. Can you use this on the stand? I mean, at the very least, you can just not go to prison because people will think you're insane. I think his best friends were the guy that

killed his wife and he said that he was sleepwalking. Remember that? Where he stabbed her and he said he was sleepwalking? That happens, though. Sleepstabbings happen all the time. I was sleepstabbing. Sleepstabbings happen all the time. I always sleep with a butter knife right next to me. God knows I enjoy a nice spread

before I go to sleep. I always smear a bagel with some tuna right before I fall asleep. And then what do you do with that bagel? What's that? What do you do with that bagel?

I forget what I do every morning. Because it is disgusting. Did you put your dick in that bagel? I forget what I do every morning. Because it is disgusting. Did you put your dick in the bagel hole? Not all bagels come with a hole, originally. He sits on the bagel and tries to shit through it. Like a carnival game. Yeah, exactly. It's very, very fun.

My asshole's like a little show dog. It's really cute. Wait a minute. This ghost, is this like a specific ghost? Like, is it the ghost of something that, like... That's the thing. Was this house previously haunted or something like that? If he really, if he backs this up with some conclusive evidence that there's ghost activity in the home, I think he could get away with it.

I don't think that ghosts are legal reasons for hitting someone. It makes sense that she doesn't know, man, because it's probably one of them ghosts that only attack when you're not looking. We all play Mario Brothers. We know how it works. Of course. Did a turtle shell hit her at any moment? It could be like the ghost of Dish's Pass.

The turtle shell didn't hit her But somebody threw a bunch of hammers at her Would you believe it And not only that But the officers told her to Stay in the kitchen Oh no I knew it

It was a ghost of overcooked meatloaf You gotta stop Stop overcooking that meatloaf Or the ghost will get you You're watering around the house You don't know what's going on The officers really told her to stay in the kitchen? Yeah, they told her to stay in the kitchen. She was probably being crazy and yelling at him and running in the living room. Because she just got beaten up.

And they were like, stay in the kitchen. Stay in the goddamn kitchen! That's what she used to stab everybody. That's the thing. I like how law works out there. It sounds like an Alabama story. I want to defend Wisconsin. Not all men beat their wives and claim a ghost did it.

That's very, very bizarre. I don't know what they usually blame it on. They're not smart enough to blame a ghost. Thank you Jackie This guy freaked out whenever they tried to arrest him Like the whole time He's just like it was a ghost What if it was though

He got charged with resisting arrest What do you do He's a god damn pussy Beating his wife Go fuck yourself Have you seen women in Wisconsin You go in a back alley and you go beat the fuck up in a fight. Go beat a bum. Or a prostitute.

Beat up a sleeping prostitute. Back alley fight and you get like 20 bucks for killing somebody. You know, you don't beat your wife. I think, Amber, you're thinking of a beautiful, nice woman like yourself, you know? She's probably a huge beast gal. Yeah, they talk back all the time.

Some people, the only people they know are their wives. She might have, yeah. Some people out there are married to cows and sheep. I mean, that's the other thing. What is this wife? Is this wife a woman? It's not, yeah. It's not his fault the Packers lost in the playoffs.

You know? And I have to point out that Amber was very much like, girl power. Like, yeah, he shouldn't be his wife. And then as soon as Ben tells you that you're pretty, you're just like, oh, thank you. That's fine. All of your fire just left. Do they have a picture of the woman?

Is the man heavyset or is he rail thin? He's huge. He's a big guy. Very fat. He's also morbidly obese. He looks like every man who lives in Wisconsin. Or deformed. Interesting.

Ben, what do you do? Actually, a ghost did beat the shit out of your wife. You saw it. They're taking you to jail. Nobody believes you. What are you going to do next? How are you going to prove that a ghost... I would, first of all, I would have an elaborate camera settings all over my house.

In every corner. Like, cinematic. So it would look really, really good. I'd record for a couple of weeks. I'd edit it together, and I would make myself a fantastic motion picture. I think you should do that regardless, actually. Call it paranormal activity.

Yeah. Paranormal bat-tivity, you know. What the... Well, anyway. End the show. Is it over? Is the show over with? I think the show's over. We're never going to do this again now. Paran show. Is it over? Is the show over with? I think the show's over.

We're never going to do this again now. Paranormal Bat-tivity? It's not going to work, huh? I'm going to burn all of my recording equipment now. Well, paranormal bat-tivity. I just got it. Yeah. You get it.

It's funny, though. Because if you put a B there in front of the word, sir. Because my name is Ben. You get it. It's funny, though. Because if you put a B there in front of the word, sorry. Because my name is Ben. Anyway. Oh, Jesus. Was there a ghost here? Did I just get back? A ghost was inside of him. What are we talking about?

He was possessed, ladies and gentlemen. He was possessed. I hope he's a funny ghost. I heard you guys laughing about something. That's good. I'm going to go to the bathroom and cry and look in the mirror. All right.

Paranormal bat-tivity. All right. Up next, a professional wrestler has been sentenced in Ohio to 32 years for having sex with at least 11 women without telling them he has HIV. Oh! That's pretty awesome.

11 years? What the ultimate finishing move. Wait, this is how I come. Oh, oh, oh, I have AIDS. Oh, I have AIDS. That's beautiful. HPV sounds like a fantastic way to finish it, too, or AID, whatever. It sounds like a good finisher.

Oh, absolutely. HPV would probably be better, though. Yeah, this guy, he was a WWE wrestler, and he was kicked out in 2009 after being positive HIV. He wrestled under the stage names Gangsta of Love and Sweet Sexy Sensation. Of course he was HIV. He wrestled under the stage names Gangsta of Love and Sweet Sexy Sensation. Of course he was HIV. So he was method. He was a method wrestler. So what's he being charged with?

He's being... God damn. He's being charged with... Murder? It's gotta be, right? Felonious assault. What is it? Felonious assault. What is it? Felonious assault. Sounds sexy.

Sensational. It does. Because HIV is not necessarily fatal anymore. Oh, I see. So in the 90s he would have been charged with attempted murder?

No, in the 90s he would have been probably they would have just called him... He would have been in the streets. It would look differently in the system.

So are you saying that I can just get AIDS and it'll be alright nowadays? No, well... You're going to be sick. You're going to be fine. It's going to suck real bad. If you have the right amount of money. Pfizer has a cure for HIV,

but they won't release it to the mass population because they know they can get thousands of dollars for each pill. They know that people will pay their life savings to get well, but they won't release it. Yeah, it's all about that. That's how the pharmaceutical companies work. So I can get AIDS.

You can get AIDS. You can have it, yeah. You should get AIDS. Get AIDS, man. Get AIDS. Just do it. We'll make a little roundtable study. Fuck it.

That's okay with that? It's 2012. Get AIDS. Let's get that wrestler, man. I know. Yeah. You should get AIDS too, Che. I already got it. Oh, that's 2012. Let's get that wrestler, man. You should get AIDS too, Che. I already got it.

Well, hold it. I found out a way for you to get AIDS. Keeping them statistics up. I like it. That's good. Call some chains. Oh, that's kind of fun. I didn't like that. Paranormal bat-tivity. Oh, my lord. It's going well.

What happens to that kooky movie? No. Michael Che fucks you and you guys. How'd they find out it was him, though? How'd they narrow it down? Well, I don't know. That's a good point. Did you read any of these articles, Marcus?

I read the summaries. So, this is why you should just never go get tested for AIDS. Once you are tested, then you have to fucking tell everybody that you have it. But if you don't know... But where's the line, man? So if I have sex with a woman with a cold, what is that? Fucking disturbing the peace or something? Yeah, it is.

Probably because it's happening on a park bench. It's definitely disturbing the peace. That sucks. Well, here's a... Oh, no, this is a little different, man. It's a little different. All right, well, let's say the two of us. Let's say I got a flu. Yeah, you're like... I don't know. This is a little different, man. It's a little different. All right, all right. Let's say the two of us.

Let's say I got a flu. Yeah, you're like... I fucking got the flu. Yeah. What is that? That's disturbing the peace, right? It's a lack of common courtesy. Being an asshole.

Here's a ticket for being an asshole. Right. Who's this guy? He's got the flu through a condom. Who are these people not having sex without condoms? What's going on here? I don't know. That's people not having sex without condoms? What's going on here? I don't know. That's great.

Having sex without condoms? It's just passion. It still does. Well, you're always... I was just thinking of Che fucking a chick with newspapers for blankets. That would be great. I just want to see you, like, come up. Oh, boy.

Anyway. It'd be nice. Man. Long night for Ben Kissel. Newsp newspapers for blankets there are two prostitutes in central Africa that do not have

the HIV syndrome and it's rampant over there and every prostitute has it and these two women do not so scientists are now

checking their blood putting them through a lot of tests because they're the host yeah the host for something kind of cool or they might be like those porn stars that don't fuck black dudes because they're the host yeah the host for something kind of cool

or they might be like those porn stars that don't fuck black dudes because their stock will go down no like Alexis Texas she doesn't fuck any black guys why not? because her stock will go down like she gets paid more money if she only fucks white guys I don't think that's true man Gianna Michaels is making a great living right now get our information guys

no it's true I heard it on another I know for a fact many white men love to jack off to black men fucking white women. They love it. But when you have sex with a black guy in the porn industry, your stock goes down. I don't think that's true. I swear to God. I never heard that. And I seriously think it's completely reversed.

You've learned something new from the round table of the year. Eddie, why the fuck did you give him that award? He deserved it. Look at these facts. It's not a fact. That's not a fact. We've got to cross-reference this. Bulletproof.

I never heard of it. Reference it. There's no way that that's true. I swear to God. What about black chicks? Is it the same standard for black chicks? No, they don't count. I'm talking about in the male addiction.

I'm talking about, I in life in general, yeah. I'm talking about, I swear to God, in the porn industry, if a white lady has sex with a black dude, her fuck is... A black dude's an anal. Your stock goes down. I mean, I'm not into it. Anal? Your stock goes through the roof. Shay, you're an anal. That doesn't make any sense. That's all, man. It's supply and demand.

If you've never done it before, your price goes up higher for the first time you do it. This is fucking marketing, man. It's supply and demand. If you've never done it before, your price goes up higher for the first time you do it. This is fucking marketing, man. All right. I believe him. We're talking about like, you say it like it's like forever. They will never get paid as much after they fuck a black dude. I'm telling you, there's a lot of porn stars that have never had sex with black guys on film because it lowers their stock.

I'm telling you. So you're telling me the porn industry is an equal opportunity? That seems ridiculous. I'm looking right now. I just can't believe that that's true. I wouldn't lie to you folks. It makes it more exotic. Every white man wants to fuck a white chick who's fucked a black dude so the white guy feels as good

as the black guy see i can't because it throws me off because i'm like that's definitely there's no way that could possibly be me at all like i can't put myself in the scenario because it's this big black dick i think i don't care she fucks like 10 at a time well 10 at a time fuck the nicks you know i'm not gonna you know well you can't if she's fucking losers then get rid of her but if time. Well, ten is a time. Ten is anything at a time. Fuck the Knicks. If she's fucking losers, then get rid of her. But if she fucks the Heat or the fucking Chicago Bulls, I'd jizz all over that. If she banged ten Chinamen,

I wouldn't bang her either. Chinamen. That's very good. Although I will say, speaking of grandpas, Eddie makes a good point, though God Eddie makes a good point though Eddie makes a good point There is racism against the Chinese male

In porn I cannot watch a porn With an Asian man in it Well first they blur the penis They blur the penis That's the weird thing Although that's kind of fun Because then you see

And he's like Because they're always hairy What's that noise again? There's so much That's the weird thing. Although that's kind of fun because then you see like you're and he's like watching the dick. Because they're always hairy too. What's that noise again? There's so much. And like you can see the outline of like drippings when you go into it. Drippings. Yeah, because like it really catches.

Like a pork roast. Because their hair is so thick. Yeah. It's like a pork roast where they like give her a base. But they always accidentally base the hairs. And so there's just drippings. You can see the drippings on the outside of the blur. You know more about this than I do. Well, that's a specifically

Japanese thing. They really love the juices. Have you guys ever watched hentai? It's nothing but juices flying everywhere. Tentacles and juices. They've got weird game shows in Japan.

Like, there's one where if a man sits in boiling hot water and he sits down on a pedestal thing and it pushes this, um, this, like, chair that rocks and this woman, like,

rocks her tits on the chair, but he's got to sit in boiling hot water to get the thing to knock down. Does the water start boiling or do they treat him like a frog and throw him in

when it's cool and then boil it while he's in there? No, they just throw it in boiling. That's hard to do. Get in here and then it rocks her. What does that have to do with the chick's tits? She's on like a cow thing, like a little mechanical bull and her tits shake and she's naked on it.

This isn't a dream. No, it's real. But he chose to do that. What does he win then? Do you remember when Japanese people had honor? It's different. That was before we just absolutely destroyed them. Before we blew them up.

I've got an update on the Alexis Texas question. Never fucked a black guy. But she's racist. If you read the article, it's because her father won't let her. That's true. Here's some of the comments. Tell me Mr. Texas cares.

Yes, Mr. Texas. He does. I don't care if you got cum on your face as long as none of it's black. That's right. Because that just means it's spoiled. We got honor in this dear family. Texas family's doing very well.

Why does she say that she doesn't fuck black dudes? Because it's less money, man. It's not less money. I can't find this. Where did you find this from? I heard a porn star say it in an interview. She was saying she don't do anal

and she don't do black dudes because it lowers her price. Of her own self-worth. I'm saying that she will get paid just as much money the next day if she fucks a white dude. It doesn't matter. They're glorified prostitutes.

Didn't Jenna Jameson stop fucking dudes for a while? Well, she married Tino. She got married and went religious. Got religious. Well, she married that UFC fighter. Yeah, her dad died and she got real religious and she stopped doing all that. She stopped fucking black guys.

Stopped fucking black guys. She still did some lesbian stuff, though. That's fine. That doesn't count. That's standard. That's just sex with women. Yeah, yeah, though. That's fine. That's standard. That's just sex with women. That's like eating a cheeseburger. But she's got her own

empire. She's fine. She can do whatever she wants with any sort of race. Without a doubt. Doesn't she have her pussy shape in the mechanical pussies? You can fuck her pussy. You can get her whole body.

What's it called? No, what's it called? The flashlight. Yeah, doesn't she have a mold? Is that her? Yeah, she has a mold. She has a whole body. I wouldn't want that.

I wouldn't want to sell loose, right? They probably won't sell it to you. Dude, holy shit. Che is totally right on this. What's going on? What's happening? There's actually a multitude of reasons why some women want to fuck buddies.

Number one, because we know from our encounter, me and you've been with Bella Donna. Oh yeah, okay, good. The one with the woman, right? Yes, that encounter. The one with the woman, yeah, yeah. With Bella Donna, because she talked about touring around and all that. There's a lot of porn stars

they have a harder time dancing in some states after doing interracial porn. Really? Yeah, they won't. That makes sense, but not like the videos, though. Here's another thing. There is a report from a woman. She said, my agent told me if I did blacks, the bigger companies wouldn't hire me. Wow.

This, in turn, would not let them make as much money in strip clubs. Interesting. It's still just January. You've got a lot of work to do. A lot of work. So what, man? People don't like black people. We knew that. That's the whole deal.

But it does shock me because I like to watch a white woman get pounded by a nice, thick black man. Yeah, but see, it's like, but after that happens, then how are you going to top that trick, David Blaine? What are you talking about? That trick. It's fucking intercourse. You know what I actually like about black dudes in porn? Is that they have so much fun. Yeah. They have fun.

You're always smiling. They're always smiling. They're in a frustration. They make jokes. They do. That's right. And as I told you before, that's why I don't like watching Japanese porn. Because they always look like they hate it.

It's all a business. It's the worst thing ever now. Because you can see them see their parents in front of them while they're doing it. It's like they visualize. Well, they always close their eyes. The girls are always crying. Like, who wants to fucking hear that shit? It's awful.

It's rape porn. Even if they're enjoying it, it's terrible. I feel like Japanese porn should be on the Nature Channel. That's the thing about it. All their penises have little crab claws At the end of them That makes for painful times for everybody involved How many Asians listen to this? Dude, I seriously think

Cave Comedy Radio Does not have a single Asian listener If you're an Asian, write in CaveComedyRadio at gmail.com. Let us know. We'll have you on the show. Fuck it. Yeah. Well, we had Shane Wang on once. That was... Kenji filmed the show.

Okay, good. Well, we've named two Asian people we know. So we're not racist. Good. Good to know. We went through the white checklist of like, no, but I know Kevin, so I'm fine. Togoto is a good friend of the show. Yeah. The Dragon Emperor

is a good friend of the show. Mimimoshi, who can forget Mimi. Akira Kurosawa, big fan. Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you, Mimi, Akira Kurosawa, you're so wonky. You're a toss-eye. All right, well, right back to races. That means my love is shared with you, and You're so wonky. You're a dork. All right. Well, right back to racism.

That means my love is shared with you, and your love is shared with my family. Do you know a good insult in China is, which means, your mother has balls. Wow. That's kind of a nice insult. Tagalog, it's, and that means, your mother stinks. Oh, that's umbak mama now. And that means your mother stinks. Oh, that's mean to say.

I only know the translation, but this is one from, I think, Africa or something. Your mom was so busy fucking, when she had you, you came out of her ass. That's a great insult. There's an Arabic one. Your mother is a dog's cunt. Oh! I'll tell you what, I'm getting upset. There's an Arabic one. Your mother is a dog's cunt.

Oh! I'll tell you what, I'm getting upset. Learn that one from my girlfriend. Asked her after she told it to a cab driver and got kicked out of the cab. What did you say to him? I said his mother is a dog's cunt. It seems fine. His cunt's actually cleaner than its mouth.

That's true. More facts from around two years. I'm just never going to dispute anything Chase says from now on. You can say anything. There's another fucked up Chinese show. This guy agreed to be on a reality TV show.

What do you do all day? You don't look at porn all day? I just look at crazy shit this color from? You don't look at porn all day? I just look up crazy shit. This guy agreed to be on a reality TV show, didn't know what

it was going to be and then one day a van just brought him out of his house, captured him, took him to this room with no

windows. Oh, I've heard of this. I saw it. That shit's fucked up, man. It's fucked up. They took him to

a room with no windows and he had to play these gambling games to get bags of rice or cigarettes. They locked him up for like a year. no windows and he had to play these gambling games to get bags of rice or cigarettes. They locked him up for a year.

One day, the walls just fell down and there was a studio audience going, yay! and applauding. What? After a whole year of being in complete solitude, playing scratch-off games to get a bag of rice or cigarettes. And then what did he win? He won being on a reality playing scratch-off games to get a bag of rice or a cigarette.

And then what did he win? He won being on a reality TV show, I guess. He won this sort of quote-unquote fame. That's fucked up. They do that because they don't have laws that we do in the States. So their reality TV shows are, let's literally lock up somebody. I saw a reality game show where they take people that are like sleeping and they fucking take their bed

while they're sleeping and put it on the fucking top of a water slide and just drop them off the water slide. That's a nice one. Yeah, and then they like

have like a bunch of people like people like in SWAT team masks and shit and like in uniforms with like M16 with blanks. With blurred out dicks.

No, with blanks and they just start shooting at them. They wake up to the noise. They think they're being fucking killed. They're just frightened. This is funny. I love that one. I would watch that show.

That's fucking hilarious. How do they go to sleep that hard? Are they tranquilized? They sneak in the room really quiet. They sleep on boards and shit. They're ninjas. They pick them up. They sneak in the room really quiet. Because they sleep on boards and shit. They're ninjas. They pick them up. They pick up the board and they fucking carry it to a spot and just drop them.

And they fucking wake up wet. It's frightening. I dated a Chinese girl for a while. Yeah, she slept on a piece of wood. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, man. You can't trust Asians. They're very tricky people. That's the thing.

You can't trust Asians. They're very tricky people. That's the thing. Another episode with just so much anti-Asian sentiment. You never know. Meanwhile, in Wisconsin, a ghost beat up a woman. I mean, that's really the story of the day. Well, let's go to another one of our favorite countries, Germany. Nein! Deutschland! Ich habe ein gutes

Germany. Yeah, all right. Come on. They are the Crowbusters, a group of bird-killing fanatics in Germany that dresses in

paramilitary gear and uses military-grade weapons to kill as many crows as possible. Yeah! That's what happens when you take an army

away from a country. We start killing crows. The reason for the massive attacks on crows, according to the crowbusters, is that crows are, quote, feathered vermin and crap scratchers. I like crap scratchers. You should set them loose on the fucking pigeons in this city. Oh, who wins? Battle of the sky.

I don't know. Oh, my God. The pigeons are so fat. No, the crows will win. You think so? Oh, I'm? Battle of the Sky! Oh my god, the pigeons are so fat. No, the crows will win. Do you think so? Oh, I'm talking about the Germans. We just hire the Germans and bring them over like pigeon mercenaries. I love pigeons.

I'm a big fan of the pigeons. I got no problem with pigeons. Yeah, I like the pigeons. If they don't shit on you, but you get a chance to see them shit on somebody else, it's hilarious. That is funny. And they're so fat and happy. It's the only joy that I get. I think the reason

why you love pigeons is the same reason why you love Newt Gingrich. Yeah, they're both unelectable and retarded. And that's why I like them. But they seem to want to be around me. Which is great. I was smoking a cigarette a few weeks ago and I watched this pigeon because I like to stare at pigeons.

Not recently, but just a few weeks ago. I watched this pigeon because I like to stare at pigeons. Not recently, but just a few weeks ago. No, but it was... I was sitting outside of the blue stove and this fucking pigeon came up to me. I watched him. He fucking saw me. I know. No, he came up. He walked all the way over to me from across the street.

And then he sat on my shoe. He did none of that on purpose. Why? He thought it was shit. He was like, I'm going to go sit in that big pile of shit. Isn't that a good story though? He was so fat. Did you clean your shoe? No!

That's a little bad, Tiffany. It was a big fat pigeon. He sat on my shoe like it was eggs. No. He flew away. He did. That's good. You like it with eggs. No. He blew away. He did. Yeah. That's good. Man.

You're welcome. No one really changes called pigeons alarm clocks. All right. How did you mean one with like one leg? How did that happen? Bad luck. Bad luck pigeon day. Probably a rat fight.

Yeah. I had a pigeon shit on me my very first day in New York. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah. The very first day in New York. Oh, that's amazing. Did you laugh? Yeah, of course. The first time I visited here in 2003, my first day I was walking down the street just happy as fuck to be here.

And I feel something wet on my head. Pussy, man. I was about to say it was pussy, dude. Yeah, it was pussy. Pussy raining from the skies in New York City. It's green, right? It's white. Wait, are human beings the only animals

that squirt? Human beings? Yeah, absolutely. I watched a salmon video. They were squirting all over some eggs. Fish squirt eggs all over the house. They're getting wet, dude. See, you want to squirt their babies out. I mean, come. No, man. That's getting tight. He wants to squirt their babies out. I mean, come.

No, man. All animals squirt. All animals come, man. Totally. No, you're talking about a squirt, like a squirt squirt. Female come, maybe two or three animals do. Humans, dolphins, and... I think pigs do.

Yeah, they come. Female dolphins have sex for pleasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't squirt like Jada Fire You know they're not spreading it out And getting it all over somebody's face They're blowholes though Dolphins have blowholes You know Jada Fire right Jay?

Oh yeah I know her personally Do you? She lives in my building I love her I hope pigs come Pigs orgasms When pigs come Pigs orgasms

This is no shit We just got it. When pigs come. Pigs orgasms. This is no shit. That's the Ben Larson story. We just got it. I hope pigs come. I think that would be more the Ben Kissel story. Whoa. I never pleased a woman. Pigs have like a curly cute dick, right?

A pig's orgasm lasts up to 30 minutes. And they have a dick shaped like a corkscrew. That's why they're so delicious. That's why they can't be dogs. Pigs last for 30 minutes for an orgasm? And then people say animals are less than people. Well, it's like they're out there having 30 minute orgasms. What are we doing?

My sex lasts 2.5 minutes. That's not bad. 2.5? Really? Are you serious? Whenever I enter a woman, I'm just like, Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop it! And then I come.

I come so hard it hits her fucking brain. I learned a good animal fact today. That I didn't realize that a cat has a barbed penis. They have a barbed dick, yeah. And they, like, scrape the inside of the uterus. It's so it's actually painful So I didn't realize it was barbed though it like scrapes the inside like the Japanese of the Siamese, if you please.

Activity. That's good. Look at that. Good job, Holden. And speaking of which, we got a segment from our friend, Holden McNeil. It was a 10-minute episode. Thank God we're here. I think my homeless jokes Did not go over well

I'm sorry Michael But I wanted I pictured you Fucking a woman Using you know Newspapers for blankets And then A pigeon coming up

And that would be Your alone plug Before Look Before we go into The segments Anybody else want to Apologize about anything

That they said They felt bad about I want to go out No We don't get beat? I went to talk about German porn. Yeah, talk about it. Do you want something to say? They don't have really censorship laws

in Germany, so there's a porn where they show people breaking into someone's house, tying them down to the bed, slicing their stomach and then fucking their wounds. Oh! Is it real? Yeah, it's real. They don't have those sort of laws in Germany that we do.

Have you seen it? No breaking and entering law? Of course you've seen it. I have not seen it, but I have seen a little clip and a little deal from a friend. So you've seen it. If you've seen a clip, you've seen it. A little clip deal.

It's fun. Yeah, you know. They break in your fucking home. That's terrible. Slash you open, fuck your scars, and then put it online. You know where they learn that? What? The Holocaust.

The Holocaust. Good point. Dr. Bigelow found that out. They also get paid much less money after they're involved in such a porn scene, which is really, really sad. That's the equivalent of fucking a black dude in Germany. You're getting your stomach sliced open and having a cock placed in it. Okay, Holden.

Sorry, I fucked up. That's a fact, Jay. I'm saying a fucking fact. Swing and a miss! What is wrong with you? I'm just kidding. I think it was great. Are you joking? Are you joking around? No, it was great. Something real just happened. Alright, look. We're going into this segment. Okay, so the game is Password. It's going to be

Ed and Jackie versus Kevin and Ben. First go around is going to start with Ed and Jackie. Jackie has the passwords. Ed, you have to guess. She's going to give you one word clues. Wait, it's only one word clues? Only one word. I thought it was like $10,000 pyramid

over here. No, it's Password. It's Password. I'll tell you what. You can do up to two words at a time. But as little as one word. Let's make it a little bit easier. And it's going to be for a minute. You have three words on your list.

Every word, you get five points. If you get the whole list, you get a bonus ten points. It's scary. But you don't have any limit on... You can say two words. You can say two words Donkey dick Abominable snowman pussy And Amber feel free to comment

But there's a time limit I do one word and then they do a word? No no no you're gonna go This is the whole shebang If he wants to pass If he's stuck on a word because you have to do an order Then you just say pass And then you'll move on to the next word.

And then you can come back to it later. What if the word I'm guessing is pass? Then you win. Alright, so you got the timer ready? I got the timer ready. Alright, are you ready, Jackie? I guess so. I have to be.

I have to be ready to perform. You got this, Jackie. Let's go, Jackie. Come on, baby. Let's do it, Jackie. Let's do it. On your mark, get set, go. Orange

blank. Juice. Okay. Butt sound. Fart. Put together. Construction. No. Put together. Oh, that's three words.

I don't want to be a little Nancy over here. Faster, faster. Sentence. Sentence. No. What you just said. The two words you just said. Put it together.

Next word. Next word. Sentence. Next word. Last episode. Finale. Last episode. Previous.

Ooh. Porn. Genitalia. Dick. Yes. Yes. Previous dick. Previous RTOG.

Ten seconds. Oh, shit. I don't know. I can't remember what happened in this episode. Smoke blank every day. Weed. We'll give that one. Unlistenable was the word you wanted.

The words were fart juice. That was the thing. If you get one of the words say yes to the person and then you keep going. You'll know if you get a word because we'll go, yeah, you got it.

The second word was Shockey's dick. That wasn't last episode. That was two episodes ago. That was last episode. No, that was two episodes ago. That was two episodes ago. If you had said, not dick,

nine and a half. I didn't remember the coordinates. Nine and a half inch dick? Allegedly. I don't believe this shit. No, it's always the weird dudes that have the biggest dick. Also, can we make mention

that he was supposed to be here tonight and he didn't show up? Yeah. That's another notch that the porn did not exist. He'll be here next week. We'll actually see the porn next week. I believe it.

I believe it, but I still want to see it. Kissel, are you ready? This is not going to happen for me, man. We've got five points on the board for Ed and Jackie. Kissel, are you ready? Jay, feel free to commentate. Five points, though, is that for one thing? Five points for one word.

We have a total of three words, though, right? Yes. We got weed! They three words though, right? Yes. We got weed. They got one word. They got weed. If you're stuck and you want to move on, just say pass. Fart juice? You didn't get fart juice. No, you didn't get fart juice.

You got fart and you got juice, but you didn't put them together to say fart juice. I don't understand how that works. I'm sorry. The rules were not explained to me. I don't understand none of this, man. Let's go. Let's do this, works. I'm sorry. The rules were not explained to me. I don't understand none of this, man. All right, let's go. Let's do this, Ben. On your mark.

I'm too tired. I deserve two and a half at least for this. All right, we'll give you 2.5. Thank you. Because you get the word. They went from one to 2.5? You got the word. No, no.

He went from five to 7.5. Because he already had five points on the board. All right, let's move on. Let's do it. On your mark. Wait, how many times? Can I get it wrong a number of times? You can just keep guessing until the end of time.

Or for a minute. Alright. On your mark, get set, go. Magic Johnson. AIDS. Yes! Very good. That was a good one. Holden loves his mother.

Holden loves fucking his mom. I want to get AIDS again. They also had more time than we had. Think about it. Pass, man. I can't do it. No, no, no. Holden loves...

Dick. I don't know, man. Don't make no... There's no facial... Alright, move on. Alright, okay. Next word. No, we can go back to it, though. Dick I don't know No there's no facial Alright move on Alright okay Next word No we can go back to it though Yeah yeah yeah

Doug's girlfriend Jackie Alright Alright You got 10 seconds Go back Holden loves Bullshit

His mom's tits So close Right Butt 5 seconds Breast milk Holden loves So close Right But Five seconds Breast milk Holden loves Is mom's breast milk?

No Mommy Mommy I said all that You said mom You did not say mommy You said mother You didn't say mommy

God fucking damn it When I am in the I'm really good at this You were pretty good at this. So is it mommy AIDS was the word? No, no. AIDS was the first one. He got it.

And then the second one was mommy. And that's the thing. If I'm in the dark with my mommy, I'm going to call her mommy. Yeah. And then. That's true. Yeah, exactly. But Doug's girlfriend, that's all you can think to describe me?

That's all you are. What do you mean? You're invisible. That's the most positive way to describe you. That's all you are. You're invisible. That's the most positive way to describe you. That's true. Thank you. Oh, so there's another round. Round two. There are four words this time. I said rape. I did it.

Let's give them a minute and a half. We'll give them a minute and a half with four words. 90 seconds. 90 seconds is the math. That's the fastest one a half with four words. 90 seconds. 90 seconds is the math. That's a fact. That's a fact. Thank you. You dumb asshole. I get two words.

Two words. You can do up to two words a clue. You can guess infinitely. If Kevin had been his mom, his mother, mommy, he could have done that. So it's like, but you did great. All right. Let's say there's no, like, you have to do it by words only. Yeah. Like no gestures. You can't point at anything. You can't. There's no You have to do it by words Only No gestures

You can't point at anything That's fine That's two words That's two words Are you ready? Yes On your mark Get set

Go Lizard face Holden On your mark Get set Go Lizard face Holden This beer Tecate Wow very good Two for two Dick juice

Jism Cum Very good Playing Taliban Playing Taliban. Playing Taliban? Al-Qaeda? Worst day.

September 11th? 9-11. Yes. All right. That is 20 points. Yeah, you motherfuckers. Yeah, you motherfuckers. Fucking bullshit. Oh, man.

I don't like how successful y'all are. Man, we got 27.5 to 10. Well, you make an extra 10 for getting them all right. No, you don't. No, you do. You do. You get an extra 10. You get a 10 point.

That's right. Finishing the words bonus. Yeah, killed it, guys. Hey, can Che and I go up and do a thing? I just wrote three things. Oh, yeah. Okay, can Che and I go up and do a thing? I just wrote three things. Okay, yeah, sure. We'll do a bonus round with the two of you after we find out the victor.

Alright, cool. That's the thing. Are you ready, Marcus? You guys start the timer. How many words can I say to describe it? Two at a time. How good was that lizard face one? That was great.

Very good. That was pretty good. Very good. That was so funny. Lizard face. Okay, are you ready, Kevin? Actually, do you want to just throw them into the mix right now? Yeah. Yeah, you want to toss them in?

Let's just toss them in. All right, halftime break. Halftime break. Well, why don't they just be part of the game? We'll just... Amber, you come up with three. Che, you come up with four. Oh, I already... Right now? Oh, Amber's already... Four awards. She We come up with three. Che, you come up with four. Ember's already got four words. You'll do the three.

They'll do their four. And then you guys do your four. Exactly. So you guys have a minute. Can you show the words to Jackie just so that we have a check on that so we have another person with an eye on the words. We get 60 seconds this time, right?

You get 60 for the first one. I think we should get 200 seconds. You should not get 200 seconds an eye on the words. We get 60 seconds this time, right? You get 60 for the first one. I think we should get 200 seconds. You should not get 200 seconds. I like the words. Jackie, it's up to you to say when they get it right, okay? I will not. In agreement? Amber, working with me, you'll never get paid as much as you would if you didn't work with me.

Sure. By the way, don't you notice she volunteered for this? She asked for it. Oh, yeah. Are you ready? Amber. Oh, I go? One, two, three, go.

Female porn downgrade. That's three words. Porn downgrade. Black dude. Yeah. You don't get that one. Because you did three words. Porn downgrade. Black dude. Yeah. No, no. You don't get that one.

Because you did three words. Next one. Next one. Fuck. All right. Knife fuck. Another one. Give me another clue.

Give me another clue. Give me another clue. Knife fuck. Jackife. Knife. Jack knife. Oh, Germany. German. German porn. There you go.

You got one more. You got 20 seconds. Small penis. Japanese. Asian. Chinese. Asian porn. Chinese porn.

And then what's the Chinese member? Chinese penis. Chinese dicks. Yeah! That was a whole bunch of words. That was a lot of words. I gotta tell you. You get five.

You get five. You get five. You get five. I nailed it. First of all, every single one of those was all context clues because they were all things that we talked about in the show. Black dick, German porn, and Chinese dick.

Is that what we've covered so far? You did fantastic. You gotta come up with four things not related to what we were talking about. Okay, cool. Alright, Kevin, are you ready? We'll get back to Amber and Che after this. Alright, let's do it. Are you ready, Marcus?

I'm ready. Do the count, Marcus. One, two, three, go! Jew killer. German. Holocaust starter. Hiller. Shit. Jew killer. German. Holocaust starter. Hiller. Boom.

Alright. Very good. Nice. Football throw. Touchdown? No. Spiral. No.

He throwed a football. Game mom. Throw the football. Throw a football. Football throw. Throw the football. Throw football. Football throw. Nickelback? This is... One other.

It's literally one other. Look. To a person. To... Catch. Catch. Receive. Got it.

I got it. I used three words. No, he did not. He's fine. Catch. He said four words. It's fine. Catch.

No. Catch? It's not catch. You really need to move on. Fucks kids. Jerry Sandusky. Penn State. Sandusky. Joe Paterno.

Paterno, yes. Alright. Alright. You're smarter than me technically 25 seconds Penis in Pussy No

What is wrong with you? I'm bad at this dude This is not my talent He's cute when he says it 10 seconds This is a very white man's game that was on in the 1960s. I know, man. This is not what I do with my life. In between...

Asshole. In between lost. Alright. And the second word, Ed called it earlier, was pass. And if you would have guessed that, you would have won the whole game! How's this? How's this?

How's this? How's this? How was I supposed to say titty fucking pass? Yeah, yeah. You're proving the words. Yeah, yeah, those are good words. We'll go with those words. I said football. I like those words. Alright, so it's my go? I said catch.

Alright, if you guys, if you get all of them, and if you get every single one of them, you're still going to lose. But please do it anyway. Great, great. Play for second, baby. Play for second. Play for second.

Wait, wait, wait. You're not declared winners yet. I'm the Rudy. Something might happen. Something could happen. Something could happen. Okay, are you ready? Something could happen.

Are you ready, Kevin? Why are you writing more words down? You just called me Kevin. Yes, you did. I'm like right here. Kevin is definitely to your left. That is Michael Che. Racist! Just a bit right next to you.

Social norms. You did a good job, Holden. You know what I'm going to do? I think we got some extra points coming to us. Here's what I'm going to do? I think we got some extra points coming to us. You know what? Here's what I'm going to do right now. You get reparations. That's what I'm talking about. What are you doing?

Where's my reparations, man? I was hurt the same way by that. Where's my reparations? You don't count. You wasn't born here. Nah, man. You're far uglier than me. It don't count.

I was a slave. So now that... Jamaica was a slave port, dude. You're far uglier than me. I was a slave. Jamaica was a slave port, dude. Where you came from? I picked tobacco. Let's go, Amber. Now there is a chance that you guys could win. If you sweep it, you win. We got this, Amber. You ready?

Yeah. You ready? Ready. One, two, three, go. Tickets. TKTS. No. Comedy.

Comedy tickets. CB's Comedy Club. Creek in the Cave. Comedy Pay. Comedy Pay. Headliner. No. Comedy Pay. Comedy Pay. Headliner. No. Comedy Pay.

Comedy Pay. No one's passing it back to it. Sitcom. Pass. Pass. Milk Comes. Milk Comes. Cow.

No. Milk Comes. Breasts. Breastfeeding. Yeah. Breastfeeding. No, no, no. Go further.

Milk Comes. From the breastfeeding for the mouth. No. Directly. Milkastfeeding. No, no, no. But go for it. Milk comes. From the breastfeeding for the mouth. No. Directly. Milk squirt. Breast squirt. Titty squirt. Directly.

Directly from your titty. It's squirting out of your titty. Oh, no. Titty's good. Titty breast squirt. Milk comes. Breast. How's it come out of?

Breast hit. Titty nipple hit. Boom. All right. Ugly me. Michael Che. Sandy. Milk come... Brass hit, nipple hit. Boom! All right. Ugly me. Michael Che, Sandy. No, ugly me.

Kevin Barnett. There you go. You know that's not true, dude. You know that's not true. We can do a comparison right now. 20 seconds. All right. Dude, dude. Marcus Parks.

No, dude, dude. Dude. Dude. The guy from the movie with the bathrobe and the... Two dudes. Gay men. Boom. Back to the original.

Oh, no. Champion! Champion! It was drinks. Comedy page drinks. Drink ticket. I didn't get drinks. That was alcohol.

You just went the totally wrong way. It's a comedy page. It feels good to always win. You are on a fucking throne. I'm on a tear, it's called. I'm on the team. You're talking all the Eddie. I'm on a tear, it's called. All right. That's it. I'm on the team. You're talking all the Eddie. I'm on the team.

I'm a winner. I win. Why are you crying? You won. I want to apologize to the black community. I know there are differences. You should apologize to the Asian community. And the Asian community.

They don't deserve that. I love how we got the apology way before the Asians. Yeah. You got the apology immediately. You have to have homes to have a community. That's the thing. All right. Yeah.

We did our best, though, Amber. All right. That's been the roundtable. Good job, guys. You guys are amazing. Get in my titty. That's Jackie Zabrowski and Lars and Omi Nilley. Kevin Barnett.

I'm Ben Gizel. Thanks for being here. Amber Nelson. Hello. And we'll talk to you'm Ben Gizel. Thanks for being here. Amber Nelson. Hello. And we'll talk to you later. Thanks, Marcus. Oh, where's me? Marcus Parks, everybody.

Hey, no, where's me? All right, so we will talk to you next week. Hey, no, I'm Michael J. Thank you. Disregard the random voice. Disregard the random voice. That's your crotch. Tell me about that. Okay. We got a little beer spill right at the last minute. It's fine, but That's your crotch. It's actually not that bad.

We got a little beer spill right at the last minute. It's fine, but it didn't do anything. It's okay. I mean, it spilled.