The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 83: The Columbian Conundrum

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table, two gay Columbian priests commit suicide by hitman, racoons are infesting schools in Florida, and a meth-fueled Icelandic horse-meat robbery goes horribly wrong, plus we've got Molly Knefel, Zach Sims, and Mark Normand joining in!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright. Good toility. Alright. Good to go. Good, good. Eddie, you've got to pray to Beelzebub today. I call it God, Ben.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. We've got to do it again. No one did the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Dear God, please keep drugs on earth. Because without drugs, everything would just be boring.

Normal, every day would be exactly the same. I mean, I guess they're the same when you're on drugs, but, you know, at least there's different drugs. Otherwise, you know, January is still just January. So thank you, God, for taking the pain out of normality with chemically normal. Normality. Biggest word Eddie's ever said, by the way. I'm sorry to end the prayer. It's not real, is it?

That is a real word. You nailed it. You nailed it. All right, continue, by the way. I'm sorry, man. The prayer. It's not real, is it? That is a real word. You nailed it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, God. Interrupt me mid-sentence to God. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, Ed. Amen. In the name of the Father and the Son. What? Mid-sentence? Ruin my fucking shit. What did you want to say to God? I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't believe in him.

At least you know it's gender. Alright, welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen, everybody. It's a special cast. Jackie's gone, and she's been replaced with an equally beautiful gal. Hi, Ben. I don't like the way you're looking at me. No, you have to say your name, Molly. Molly Neffel. There you go.

Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel, and the Chuckle Hope. We've got a couple of New Orleans guys over here. Mark Norman, thanks for being here, buddy. Good to be here. Good to be back.

Thanks. All right. Zach Sims. And Zachary Sims. How are you, Zach? Thank you, Ben. I'm also happy to be back. I did it about a year and a half ago, and it's been great to be here now.

Well, what a charming lot they are. It's a wonder we didn't have you back sooner. Really, unbelievable. Sometimes I wonder, what would a diet coke machine sound like if it could speak? With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. What do you got for us today, buddy? A pair of Colombian priests

found shot dead in a car last year decided to commit suicide by hitman after one of them was diagnosed with AIDS. Wow! That's great. So they're obviously gay together. Yes, they are. And he's like, oh, you're going to die, so God's going to find out.

Right. Let's get a hitman to kill us. How much did the hitman cost in Columbia? $8,500. That's it. What? Yeah. That's just a couple of Sundays times.

Yeah, the same as a MacBook? That's how much it's worth. Kill two priests or get a MacBook. I wonder if that's what they bought with the money. Why did they just kill each other? Well, here's what happened is that the pair had originally planned to throw themselves into a canyon near

Bogota, but apparently lacked the nerve. Wow. What's a Bogota? I just thought of a Bogota. Bogota. It's a city. Oh, Bogota's a city. I see. What were you going to make of that, Mark? That was Bogota? I just thought of a Bogota. Bogota. It's a city. Oh, Bogota's a city. I see. What were you going to make of that, Mark? That was Bogota.

Yeah, Bogota. Bogota. Bogota. Yeah, I was so confused. You said that as white as possible. You say Bogota, Colombians say Bogota. Tomato, tomato. All right, so what happened here?

So these priests are driving around. Did they get to... Was it a drive-by shooting situation? No. What happened here is... Hmm. Interesting. Interesting.

What happened was a moment of silence. They were just found shot dead in a car. Oh, all right. Okay. Yeah, and... Your son Sam. Were they dressed like priests? I don't know.

I hope they were. Let's go ahead and say... I want to be like full-on priest. Not just the black shirt and the white doohickey. Just a whole-on priest with the yarmulke under the big cone hat. I think you're missing religions here. You're mixing them all up. Yarmulke is not right.

No, priests wear the yarmulke underneath the big cone hat. I went to Catholic school. Only the big guys do, right? Only the big guys? Monsignors and bishops and cardinals, yeah. But do they call it a yarmulke? No. No, they don't call it a yarmulke. So it's not a yarmulke But do they call it a yarmulke? No.

They don't call it a yarmulke. So it's not a yarmulke. But it's a fucking yarmulke. If they don't call it a yarmulke, it's not a yarmulke. But it's a yarmulke. But it's the same fucking hat. They get it at the same store. What kind of underwear do priests wear? They don't wear any.

Easy access. There's not like a special thing? A little boy's mouth. Oh, nice. A special thing? I don't know. A little boy's mouth. Oh! Nice. Huh? A little boy's tiny asshole mouth. That's good.

You're thinking of the Mormon folks. They wear the temple garment. What's the name of it? I forget the official name. It's called temple garment. The temple garment. Well, they do, and then the Hasids wear the ones with the little tails going off of their tank tops. And the stripes. They'll dress their kids up in going off of their tank tops. And the stripes. They'll dress their kids up in stripes.

They look like a bunch of little prisoners. I feel like if they start running really fast, then they can fly. You know? Like that Mario character. When you get the tail. Yeah. Think about that reference. Right, right, right.

Is there like a special outlet store where you get your temple garments? Or is that... Yes. The temple. Do you have to go to the specific temple? Probably. I don't know. There's a priest garment store in my old town.

Is there really? Yeah, yeah. A whole store dedicated to priest stuff. Costumes. The dead work. Their costumes. Yeah, yeah. The dead work there.

I always thought they bought that shit at Party City. Yeah, that's the thing. So you can go and dress up like a priest and... I think you have to be a clergyman to actually purchase the... To show your ID or something? Probably, yeah. What about it at those NYPD shops? Because there's one on 18th Street and they have like the full

uniforms that the cops can wear. They sell batons and shit like that. Do you have to be in the academy to shop there or can anybody just buy those? Anybody can shop there. Yeah, the door is open. I've seen folks walk in. But it's illegal to impersonate a police officer, so I guess you could technically shop there. So it's like illegal to yell the N-word in public. Yeah, but there's...

Because that's the closest I could think of to impersonating a New York City police officer. But there's also extras and stuff have their own cop suits that are just perfect replicas and stuff like that. You can do that. Yeah, so you've got to be able to buy them. So you can own a cop suit, you just can't wear it in public.

Well, you can wear it, but you can't tell people that you're a police officer. Oh, is that the thing? That would be great. So if you wear it and go, I'm not a cop! I'm not a cop! You have to say that constantly. As soon as you walk out your door. People will just assume you're undercover. It would be good. It would be fun to walk around in a

police outfit just to see what kind of discounts they get. I bet you free coffee at Dunkin' Donuts. You get free stuff at my work, that's for sure. Oh yeah? Oh yeah,ops eat and drink for free. By the way... Oh, actually I shouldn't even be talking about that actually. It doesn't really matter. Ben, don't they give you that card

where you can get out of jail free? The Policeman Benevolence card? Oh yeah, I got one in my pocket. Do you really? Yeah, he's got it. It's for last year though, unfortunately. So it expires. I gotta get a new one. Yeah, I gotta get a new one.

So what does this card do for you? It's like a get out of jail free card, unless you did something real bad. That's a real thing that they make? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Monopoly World. Like a speeding ticket. I give it to them with my license. Wow.

I put it underneath my license, and I hand it to them. And they either tell me to go fuck myself or say, all right, get out of here. And then they mail this back to the cop that gave it to me. Really? Holy shit. Yeah, and so the cop knows that I had to use it. Oh, so you can only use it once? You can only use it once. They take it, and then they mail it back to the police officer. You might want

to give that to Kevin. Yeah. Give it to KB. Jesus, much better than a drink ticket or something like that. I mean, it basically is a drink ticket. My boss has a card that he shows with the cops, and it just says that his son is a police officer. He has no son. I'm the closest thing he has to one.

And then they always let him go with that. He just makes up a couple of lies about this make-believe kid, and they always let him go. That's great. There's a lot of ways out of the system, huh? Oh, absolutely. Where do you get the card from? I don't know. I think he knew somebody who used to take care of the dogs

that was a cop. My uncle's a prison guard in Jersey. So I have one in Jersey and I have one for New York. God damn it. That's good. You want to go to Jersey. We should start running drugs. I love cops. I'm down. I'm pro-cop. Molly, you're shaking your head. Now, you're not pro-cop.

You had a situation where you were occupying? That's not the only reason I'm not pro-cop. Yeah, well, you like small men, and cops tend to be a little bit poorly. Alright, point A. Point B, I think that the entire institution operates on a lot of racism and

classism, but also, they hit me sometimes. Did they hit you? Yeah, they hit me with their sticks. Whoa, really? Sounds saucy. And I'm not speaking in metaphors. They actually hit me with their riot sticks. Let's see the bruises.

It's like a shot. Well, that couldn't have gotten any creepier. Just, Zach, you take off your clothes, and Molly, point where the bruises are on you. On Zachary. That'll be really hot. Can I please sit next to somebody who's not Mark? Mark is a serious... You're a heavy sexual offender.

You should have Eddie's card. It's a gag. I'm gagging. I'm gay. It's fine, Molly. He is a well-known homosexual. When did the cop beat you up with the sticks? I've never been beaten, like, I've been hit with riot sticks. They push you back.

They push you with them. Yeah, that's not a hit. Well. Riot sticks. I have, yeah. Come on. And then there was the cop who told me about his gun. Yeah, but this is the thing.

He wasn't wrong. You came up to him and he's like, move away because I have a huge gun. He should be able to say that. He does. You should know that he does have a gun. He could lose his mind at any second. That's when the cops are going to go crazy. Some of them are absolute suckers.

You have to understand how much hurt is in the lives of all of these kids. Everybody I know who became a cop is fucking insane. I know. That's what I'm saying. I don't trust them. I don't like them. They're so much fun to hang out with. That's the thing. What a blast. They party so hard, man. They're lunatics. I don't like them. You don't trust them. Don't talk to them. But they're so much fun to hang out with. That's the thing. Yeah, because they're funny. Oh, what a blast. They party so hard, man.

They're lunatics. Oh, yeah. I was drinking with a couple of them until real late, and then we went to another bar and closed that down. Then we went to another one, and they were closed, and they let us keep drinking, and then they eventually kicked us out. I was like, all right, man. Let's get out of here.

He's like, oh, no. Let's keep drinking. I was like, where the hell are we going to be drinking? He's like, oh, let's get beers and drink them in the street. I love it. Hanging out with cops are great. Yeah. That? And he's like, oh, let's get beers and drink them in the street. I love it. Hanging out with cops are great. That's the thing. Yeah, I guess I could see that.

Yeah, I mean, I've never gotten drunk with a cop. I'm sure they're all very, very nice gentlemen. I don't know about gentlemen, but they're nice. When they all have their helmets on and they're swinging at me, as a whole, I'm not into them. Mostly riot cops. They're very mean. Yeah, there's shitty people and there's good people, though, also. I feel bad for mostly riot cops. They're very mean. There's shitty people and there's good people though also. I feel bad for those

riot cops. It would be terrifying having a huge mob of people come at you yelling random things. And they're broke so they probably even agreed, a lot of them, with the Occupy movement. They're like, why are these people hitting me and yelling at me? And that one chick who got pepper sprayed by that elderly cop, she's suing now. It's by

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. He's the big man on campus. And he was the one who pepper sprayed him. No, Ray Kelly didn't do it. It was an old guy. No, it's happened way more than once. The guy that's getting sued is like the elderly fella. I forget his last name.

Oh, it was something like... Old Man McGiggins. Yeah, McGiggins. Yeah, exactly. They're all called Old Man McGiggins. Tony Bologna. Tony Bologna. Does he smell like salami?

I know Tony Bologna. Tony Bologna. Smell like salami? I know Tony Bologna. Smell like salami. Lived over on Pastrami Street, right? You're totally right. It's Tony Bologna. But Tony Bologna is not some old nice guy on a porch like old man McGillicuddy.

No, he's old school old. Tony Bologna is a vicious man who pepper sprays. No, Tony Bologna is like Alabama style. Tony Bologna grew up with his name being Tony Bologna. That's the thing. What do you want from this guy? This chick was like, you know what you're full of, right? And he was like, don't you say it.

Don't you say it, lady. Don't you say it. You're full of Bologna. So, you know, you can't. I don't want to do this. I mean, that's the thing. While they were crying, he was also crying. Let's not forget that.

It was super fun to see those old fucking yuppie bitches get pepper sprayed, though. I must admit, it's always a good time when pepper spray goes down. And the boss should do it. It's one of the perks of being up top. Yeah, he lets all the other guys know they can do it, too. Right, one day, just stick with it. I pepper sprayed my younger brother

once. It's really not that bad. I pepper sprayed myself once on an accident. It's not the worst. You can wash it out. I found a thing of pepper spray and I wanted to make sure it was pepper spray. It was. You're going to get raped.

I want to know. I have a kid came and sprayed it all in our shop class one day. Really? Yeah, with a little nightmare piece of shit. Why did he spray it? I think he's dead now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking South Florida kids, man.

Yeah, right? They just suck. All of them. They're just like, oh, I'm going to cause damage. Eat pussies, you know? Oh, I got a story from Florida. Oh, boy. Nice.

In one Florida middle school, CBS 12 reports on an infestation so bad that parents started calling the station for help. Apparently raccoons have infested the entire school. You gotta pepper spray those raccoons. And the parents are telling the station that the wild creatures have been in residence for weeks. Even worse, one raccoon reportedly peed on a student. It got bit? Yeah. A student got pissed on before it got bit?

Something wet started dripping down on his backpack, then eventually on him. Good! That's actually raccoons are the only species that pee on other things for fun. That's actually true.

Dolphins rape, raccoons pee pee. Out of Florida high school, you can see that raccoon becoming prom king. Yeah, this is Lake Worth. Oh, man. Where is Lake Worth? It's close, man. By the way, that lake is

worthless, dude. Terrible area. Is Florida known for their raccoons? There's a shit ton of them. Really? Oh, yeah. They're all over the place. Is there a lot of woods?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of woods in Florida. I associate the raccoon with a wooded area. Yeah. I live in a straight up forest, man. Forest slash swamp back home. Dude, there are raccoons that live in the pit behind the creek and the cave. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Spanky, Curly, and Moe. You named them, huh? Curly and Moe, but Spanky for the third one. Spanky, Curly, and Moe. I'll lead to the Stooges. That's interesting. You couldn't remember the third Stooge,

so you just named one of the little rascals? Who is it? Larry. Larry. What an ass. Larry's not a good name for a raccoon, though. I move a spanky. I was assuming that the raccoons, that the Florida equivalent of a raccoon would be some

sort of swamp creature, but I don't know what the swamp creature equivalent of a raccoon is. Possum. Possum. Absolutely. Possum. We got a fuck ton of them, too. Dude, possums are the fucking worst.

They're disgusting. I would hate raccoons if I didn't grow up with possums. They're just evil creatures. Really? The worst. They look at you and they go... Yeah, they hiss. Yeah, yeah.

They throw shit at you from out of the trees. No fear. They'll literally take nuts and throw them out of the trees at you when you walk outside. Really? They look fucking creepy, man. They just stay... They hang from trees by their tails. Big rats.

Do you guys realize the... Possums are green. Oh, all right. So what would you rather have? Now, you guys have Nutria over there. They hang from trees by their tails. Big rats. Possums or greehams. So what would you rather have? You guys have nutria over there. Those are just big, overgrown rats, right? Huge teeth. Just gigantic jaws. The only thing I know about them is from that David Tell Insomniac episode.

Have you guys ever gone on one of those night missions and shot them or shined them? I went on a swamp tour one time and a gentleman who was running the tour told us about his plan that he ran to the governor about how he was going to get rid of the Nutria population, which was just him and a buddy riding around a truck. He was just loaded as fuck

and he's like, I got a great idea. I got to go to the governor. I love to see those schematics that he delivers. He's like, I just see it figure A. That's me drinking. I once killed a Nutria with a big shovel. Nice. Chop that motherfucker right in half.

Corrupt Carl, this cop that used to live down the street from me growing up. Good cop, bad cop. And I love cops, Larson. And his neighbor, Corrupt Carl. He stole Nick Nolte's wife. Whoa! Good job, Corrupt Carl. He stole Nick Nolte's wife. Good job, Corrupt Carl. He was a motorcycle cop.

Real badass. Real intimidating. Helped raise me, practically. And there was this huge possum in the neighborhood. And the possum was in his backyard. And he said he went outside and hit it in the face with an aluminum baseball bat as hard as he could. And the possum just stared back at him and hissed. So he just went back in the house. Fair enough.

Should have given it a Kirby like in that American History X film. Send a message. Send a message to the possum community. Don't come around here anymore. There's another thing in Florida. We have normal lizards, you know, just normal lizards that run up and down the walls. But now there's this new lizard from South America that's just all over the place that

is just like the other lizards, just a little bit bigger and armor-plated. Whoa, how? And it eats, and its whole diet is of the other lizards. Are you just talking about the animals? Yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah, you've seen them, right? The brown animals. Yeah, they just took over You've seen them, right? The brown animals. They just took over that shit.

Is it good or bad? Do they like them? I mean, you feel bad for the other ones. You literally don't even see the other ones anymore at all. The other ones are pretty. They're a beautiful man. You could wear them as earrings. You could put them on your ears and they would just dangle there.

Florida. Oh, yeah. So were you guys trying to get rid of them? I don't know what happened, but they're not around as much anymore. These new armor-plated ones are everywhere. Yeah, isn't there a huge problem with, was it boa constrictors now, too? Boa constrictors and pythons are taking over the Everglades. So scary.

Just so many people. Iguanas are all over the place. Yeah, iguanas took over Boca. I remember my neighbor was, like, this big, like, Miami was crazy growing up because, like, there was so many people. I remember literally, like, you would go, like, outside of lunch,

you'd go to some, like, back part of the school and kids would just be selling iguana eggs for 25 cents. That was, like, the shit. What did you do with them? You just had them and you waited till they hatched. Oh, I see. And, like, people would walk around, like, holding iguanas, like, on their necks and shit,

just, like, in the street. That was, like, a necklace or whatever. It wasn't iguana. And, like, so then iguanas on their necks and shit, just in the street. That was like a necklace or whatever. It wasn't iguana. And iguanas were just everywhere. I remember we'd go to this one park, and you'd be just riding on your bicycles and shit. You'd just hear this, and you'd look up, and you'd see these iguanas running through the trees. They grow to like six foot long if they're in the wild. I remember my neighbor's dad, this dude, his name was Steve.

He was in his 40s. Big-ass dude was trying to feed an iguana and did something that pissed it off and whipped his tail and slapped his leg in half. Not like broke it off, but the bone. Oh, yeah! That's awesome. I had a friend who had a pet iguana and the iguana slapped him and he had this huge gash on his arm. It was deep. He had to go to the hospital.

It's tropical down there. So all these random animals from all over, all parts of the world can usually live in South Florida no problem. It's clearly drug dealer pets that just got out and bred and ran amok. It's like... We gotta get those guys down in the dojo underground, street fighting style

Human versus iguana That'd be fucking awesome man Need a little van damage There's this one part in Davie This one little neighborhood in Davie Where when they filmed Tarzan back in the 50's They let all the monkeys loose And so now there's monkeys there

There's just monkeys in this one part of Davie Isn't there a midget town in Florida too? I'm sure there is. What? But no one wants to go there. Florida was the first state to ban dwarf tossing, and now there's a dwarf who made his living off of being tossed, and he sued that it was unconstitutional for him not to...

He wants to be tossed, and he was like, you can't tell me that I can't be tossed. And I think that he won the lawsuit, so go down to Florida, toss some dwarfs around, you can again. Thank God. Anybody here ever seen a dwarf tossed? Yeah. What happened? It doesn't seem like that much fun.

I did watch the video. Yeah, YouTube clips and shit. We've all done that. What do you throw it to? Another person? No, you throw it on a mat, and then you just try to go as far as possible. A lot of times what they do is they have a big Velcro wall and they dress the midget in a Velcro suit. And the object is to make the midget stick onto the wall. I would sign up to be in that in a second.

Oh, you'd be great at it. Yeah, I think that sounds like a blast. Really the cannonball type guys. Sounds like you get groped enough by cops at these rallies. You don't have to do this. Yeah, that's the thing. I might join the police force. I think I'm going to go to that store, get a nice costume, and be at the next Occupy protest.

Undercover. I'll wink at you and be like, I'm with you. But I'm dressed like one of them. There's an old David Letterman clip where he gets in a velvet suit, jumps on a trampoline, and then sticks to the wall. And I think it'd be worse if someone was just hurling you at the wall, because it would probably hurt more. But I'm still down.

A lot more, yeah. I'll do it in a second. Dwarves are tough to throw, I think. They're short and stocky, like potato sacks with legs. They gotta be like 120, 130. What's the average dwarf way, you think? We can see. Let's check it out.

I love the future, man. I know. They're all fat. Is the dwarf... Big heads.? We can see. Let's check it out. I love the future, man. I know. They're all fat. Is the dwarf... Big heads. Is the dwarf supposed to help you with the tossing, or is he supposed to fight it? No, he's supposed to help you because you guys are a team. Oh, it's like NASCAR. It is like NASCAR. Dwarves are

friendly by nature. We know this, man. Well, they're sad and lonely, and they have to be nice because they're so tiny. The beauty of the toss, though, is even if they fight it or not, they're sad and lonely, and they have to be nice because they're so tiny. The beauty of the toss, though, is even if they fight it or not, they're still getting tossed. That's true. Molly, on the last episode you were on, you said that you would want to date a man 115 pounds to 125 pounds. So if we find out that the average going dwarf is in that range, will you or will you not date one? I also said tall and skinny just before Marcus tells us what day.

That's true. Average weight of an adult dwarf, somewhere between 100 and 150 pounds. Love alert. I know how to look at little people and guess their weights. I should work for the carnival. I mean, only when there's a little person there,

but I can't imagine a little person walks around the carnival too much. They're all fat and stocky, and their bones are big and weird. Yeah, that's true. We've all seen a midget porn, I assume. Oh, yeah. A couple days ago, actually.

Wait, everybody? This is true. Eddie got his nickname Eddie Toons from a midget porn. Eddie Toons is from a midget porn. What's the basis of, what's the premise of this porn? It's the midget is trying to rocket his way through the record business. And he's got this hot new girl who's singing and everything.

They're fucking, of course. And then Eddie Toons is the rival record producer. He always wears pink socks. He's like, I'm Eddie fucking Toons. I run this fucking business. I'll fuck your bitch in front of you. And he fucks her in front of him. The little girl?

No, no, no. It was a dude. Napoleon. So Eddie Toons is a regular-sized man? Yeah, Eddie Toons is a regular-sized man. He's the bad guy. But it's a gay porn. No, it's real porn. Oh, well, gay porn is real porn, too.

You don't argue it's the most real porn. It's like how Asians are real people. Jesus Christ Jeremy Lin Edward, not in the time of Jeremy Lin I know, we're not supposed to anymore No, you can't

I know, I know They all stopped listening so long ago They all But we might be getting new people, you never know We want Asians It's a big market, Eddie They do a lot of clicking. They're clicking things all the time.

Oh my Christ. Let me get off the subject. For some reason, we can never find anything nice to say about Asians. Can we all go around the table and say one nice thing about Asians? I like their little feet. That's nice. I like it. The hair is always very fashionable.

Their hair is very fashionable. Good. Thank you, Kevin. That is true. They won't fuck me. That is a fashionable. Good. Thank you, Kevin. That is true. They won't fuck me. That is a plus. That is a plus for Asians. They'll fuck me.

Yeah. Not necessarily a plus, but a plus for you. Yes. Come on, Eddie. Come on, Eddie. Come on, Ed. I like rice and pork. All right.

That's nice. That's nice. Sriracha. Fine. What is that? Sriracha, the hot sauce. Oh, absolutely. Thank you, Asians, for sriracha What is that? Sriracha, the hot sauce Oh, absolutely Yeah, Sriracha

Thank you, Asians, for Sriracha Yeah, yeah, yeah Chili The old ladies in Chinatown can go a long time without smiling I don't know if that's a nice thing about Asians, but we'll count it Come on Come on, Mark We know you can do it

I know it's a nice thing Yeah, yeah, yeah This is hard They can really push some purses? I don't know. That's racist, too, but that's fine. We'll just move on. Mulan was a great movie.

Zach, what do you got? You got anything? Any nice thing? I like Rumble in the Bronx. Not a nice thing. It's a good movie. It's a good movie. Thank you.

It's a good movie. The Great Enfolding Shirts. There we go. Sure. Uh-huh. All right, so now we have our Asian community back. Welcome, everybody. And now we have a story from our buddy Ragnar.

Whoa, Ragnar. Did he send something in? We have a story straight from Iceland. A daring midday robbery attempt of several kilos of horse meat was thwarted in part by a quick thinking supermarket employee and in part by the incompetence of the thieves in question. I got the inside information from Ragnar

because there's like eight people in Iceland. Yeah. Out of their minds on meth. Oh yeah? Absolutely out of their minds on meth. The guy who stole the horse meat got into a car with two women inside. The police started chasing him. The driver got out of the car, and the young man behind the wheel drove off a short distance away.

He dumped the horse meat in some bushes and returned to the scene to pick up the woman who was driving. So in other words, what they did is they got really high on meth, stole some horse meat, and hid in some bushes. I thought you weren't hungry on meth. Why would you be stealing the meat? Well, you just want to steal. To sell it. The horse meat was at the grocery store? Yeah, this is the other point.

Yeah, they sell horse... Apparently, you can buy several kilos of horse meat at any Icelandic grocery store. And why do they weigh it like it's Coke? Because it's a metric system. Oh, that's a different system of measurement. I weigh everything in how much my left foot weighs. So I'd be like, that's eight left feet. And apparently

that's 18 kilos of horse meat. Interesting. So they busted these characters. Yeah, they got these characters. I still haven't eaten horse. I gotta eat some horse. I've never eaten horse. I don't want to eat horse. It's legal now. You can do it now. I heard it's greasy. Yeah, it's got to be real...

Is it supposed to be tough? Tough, yeah. I mean, is it worse not to eat the horse after you shoot it? Or is it... I mean, we might as well eat them, right? We kill them every single day for glue and everything. As long as it doesn't die of, like, leukemia, eat it. Horses die of leukemia?

You can't catch leukemia. Oh, okay, good. So horses are fine. Do horses get leukemia? They lose all their hair? Oh, that, good. So horses are fun. Do horses get leukemia? They lose all their hair? Oh, that's sad. Well, things only lose their hair because of chemotherapy. Oh, we've got to give them the chemo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good. Molly, would you eat horse meat? Like a horse that's been shot? Yeah, let's say a horse that's been pepper sprayed, and then he was beaten with a club, and then they ended up shooting him. Is it a police horse or a civilian horse? Police horse. Police horse who's been pepper sprayed and then he was beaten with a club and then they ended up shooting him. Is it a police horse or a civilian horse? Police horse. Police horse who's been pepper sprayed and shot.

And beaten to death to tenderize. Oh yeah, it's been tenderized. It's good. You want to say yes so bad, right? Well, I mean it's been seven years since I've eaten meat but I guess that's the best way. Think about a horse and how delicious a horse looks before you make it. Just look at Holden

and pretend eating him. Wow! Okay, you have my commitment that if you find that horse, I will eat it. Right in front of the cop that the horse cop belonged to. With the cop, I imagine. Like over a romantic dinner.

The horse's body is the table and we just put candles on it and sit on opposite sides of it And just start slicing pieces out of it That's adorable I'll find you a cup Have like a lady in the tramp moment Of like sharing a big hunk of horse shit

Where you're like just that huge Like sinewy muscle God Molly What the fuck is wrong with you You guys want me to change. No, we don't want you to change. No, we love you the way you are. I want to change.

I want to change me. I want to be more like you because I think you're a beautiful, shiny light of joy. Yeah, we need to change. You're here to make us look good. Yeah, exactly. In that case. This is bad. Really.

The Holden horse is just going to be my pet, not dinner then. Holden, give me your best horse demon. That's pretty good. That wasn't bad, actually. You know your demons. I know my demons, Fred. You're like a see-and-say for animal demons. Give me a duck demon.

It's very strong, but it's a demon. Sheep demon. Also accurate. Giraffe demon. Kook! Kook! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I feel like we're sneaking in racial slurs.

We lost the Asians We just had them I thought he said kook Kook like cookie Yeah, you guys are bringing your own thing Your perception man Is fucking changing this thing You just can't hear ook

And think anything else No, you can't Duke Yeah, you could say Duke. There was just that Duke LaCrosse player who murdered his girlfriend. It was just kind of fun to think about. Another Duke LaCrosse player? What is up with those guys?

Something in the meat over there. I think they're eating too much horse meat. Yeah, he went home. He murdered his girlfriend because she broke up with him. I think it's because he's a psychopath. She shouldn't have broke up with him. I guess not. Yeah, it's her fault.

She learned a tough, tough lesson. Absolutely. Duke Lacrosse does not have a good record for their gang rape and murdering. Actually, they have the highest record. I think they're doing quite well. That's true. And corrected. Really, just a fantastic record.

Yeah. Winning that game. Would you get with a Duke Lacrosse player, or would you rather get with an Alabama football player? Which one do you want to do? Wait, what terrible crimes have Alabama football players committed? I'm trying to think. Is there a university that's done terrible things recently? The U.

Miami. Miami. What are they up to? Anything. Just beating people in the street. I heard a story of a University of Miami player bragging because he had raped a Florida State girl. And that's how he got caught. Because he bragged.

Because yeah, he just bragged to everyone. He actually did like a Facebook thing. You'd be surprised how many people get caught for rape by bragging. It's so weird. It's a dumb thing to brag about because she didn't want to fuck you. You brag when you're like, I don't know what world you come from,

but we all hate rape. I'm talking about most times it's not hard to do. Molly, but now you have to be Jackie so you'd be like,

oh, I want to get raped. Say something like that. I love it. And then bark like a seal. A demon seal.

Get out! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite! Kite Kai! Kai! Kai! Kai! Oh. So you would fuck the football player, right?

It's not the lacrosse player? Are you just asking me whether I'd rather fuck a murderer or a rapist? Yeah. No, not... I would say just a person... You gotta fuck the rapist. Just a person from the Duke lacrosse team. Or a person from the University of Miami football team.

We don't know if they're rapists or murderers. But the football player might become a millionaire and the lacrosse player never will be. He'll just be like Holden because Holden played lacrosse too. I played lacrosse. I was pretty good. I was four backs. Which didn't actually exist but that was a way for them to get me to run around in circles

in the end zone so they'd just keep playing the game without me. Although there was no end zone lacrosse. Oh, okay. End zone in a different football field at a different high school. But there was still a crowd. Go PDS Chargers lacrosse!

So Molly. Okay, so the team full of rapists and murderers or the team with that guy who... The other team full of rapists. Basically, do you like lacrosse or football better? Rapists and Murderers or the team with that guy who... The other team full of rapists. Just rapists. Basically, do you like lacrosse or football better? That's pretty much the question.

Well, let's talk about body type. I think I gotta go lacrosse because... Wow. As I said on the last episode, football players' body types are not my type. That's true. Too beefy. Do you know lacrosse players? Yeah.

Lacrosse players are kind of like rugby players In their build They're sort of stocky I thought you played lacrosse It depends on what position Defensive men are big lugs And they have the long sticks But if you're playing offense You're probably a little like

Hey, hey, but not the kind you like That's the kind I like So the defense are better rapists The defense are definitely better rapists. Yes, yeah. The defense are definitely better rapists in the traditional sense. But the offense is kind of that new age rapist. Sort of gets in there and just, you know, he gets in there now

before they realize what happened. It's like old zombies and new zombies. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walkers versus runners. Did you notice on your team in high school, Holden, did you feel like there was a lot of folks who were going to go on to college and rape? Um, there was a lot of folks who were going to go on to college and rape? There was a lot of like, oh, hey,

let's play the game. I came in the closet. Where did you come? I was like, oh, I came on the TV. So there's a lot of that. It's like kind of getting your cum on his head. That's a game? Yeah, yeah. It's like, what can you come on and get away with it? So there's sort of a lot of that going on. That's true, isn't it?

It's called Come Now,'t it? Yeah, sure. It's called come now, touch later? Yeah, come now, touch later. Yeah, yeah. We were trying to get to the point where you could just flex it and it would come, which is apparently possible. Oh, interesting. You just run and gun.

What was your favorite appliance to come on? Run and gun. Well, the telephone's great because you can get them on the hand and the ear. I definitely like that one. I mean, of course, a fridge is a great place because it's just vile. Inside the fridge or on it? I mean, anywhere that the nose or the hand might come in contact, you get 20 points. The nose! Yeah, if the tip of the nose touches the cum, you get like 50 bonus points.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. I mean, it really depends. No food, though. It can't be anything like that. It's got to be like straight up. I mean, it really depends. No food, though. It can't be anything like that. It's got to be, like, straight up. Anything that's white is great.

Oh, so you leave the cum as a surprise for somebody else. Yeah, happy little peppy surprise for your friend or your gal or your coach or whoever. A little protein shot. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing. I mean, yeah, we used to cum on the opponent's lacrosse sticks. And they'd be like, oh, come on, coach. You can't touch my lacrosse stick!

It's all covered in fucking cum! How did you access the other team's lacrosse sticks? Rambunctious boys being bros, sneaking around, getting in their trailer, tractor, whatever you call those things.

It stores the equipment. I'm lying! I'm just lying about everything. You're lying! I'm lying. I'm just lying about everything. You're lying. I'm lying about everything. All right, and now we've got a segment for Moldy McNeely. All right, it's called Toastmasters of the Roundtable. And then like a lightning crash or whatever.

So we're going to each give a toast. Marcus is going to decide who the Toastmaster of the round table is at the end. In between each toast, you have to do we all have to do this together to make a real kind of like stonemason sounding. We all gotta go, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, dip, dip, dip, da! And then we'll move on to the next person.

Okay? So let's practice that. One, two, three. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, dip, dip, dip, da! Alright, I'd like to make the toast. I'd like to make the toast I'd like to make the toast so I mean I'm gonna just go straight from where we came off of people that's coming on things

I came on many things this last year you know tits ass telephones jukeboxes you know and what I want to say is I think we need to start that in the round table. The round table, to me, is like coming on the ear of America.

And if you don't fucking get that, then you're like a fucking scorpion demon. Ah! Ah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Da, da, da, da. Kevin? Ah, shit, man.

You know, I'm going to give a toast to birds. Because, I mean, have you thought about birds, man? That shit is fascinating. They fly. They got feathers. I don't understand what that is. Birds, they're out there in the streets. Think about it today.

What about the come? I'm supposed to continue on the come? No, I'm talking about the birds. You have to continue on the come. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Tip, tip, tip, tap. Ben? I want to give a toast to my last toenail. I am running out rapidly, and I really enjoyed them while they were here.

I faked an injury my senior year of high school to get out of playing football, and in order to fake the injury properly, I had to have surgery, and it removed a lot of my toenail, and now I've just picked the last bit off. So I'm going to give a toast to my left big toe toenail. You will be missed, my friend. I enjoyed your protection for many, many years. Oh, God. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh. Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whatever. Zach? What? Can I get this? Give him the mic. Thank you. I'm going to toast, I mentioned it earlier, Rumble in the Bronx. Good.

Netflix it, if you get the chance. Download it, steal it, whatever you have to do. It's great. It's Jackie Chan's best work. There's other people in it probably. I've never seen it. But it seems like it's probably a great movie. Never seen it. Rumble in the Bronx! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! Mark! I want to give a toast to a old Blockbuster video I found in one of my boxes in my room of The Craft. Which, boy, did I come on that!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I want to give a toast to the female orgasm, because while it may not be able to make as much of a mess as Holden's lacrosse team, it is

from what I hear exponentially better and can be quite messy sometimes. That's a myth. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Tip, tip, tip, tap. No it's not. Can't find it. I would like to give a toast to the male orgasm.

All reliable. There are four times a day. How can you go wrong? Of course the female one's better, because you don't know what it's like to always have it. Oh. Hoya, Hoya, Hoya. Dip, dip, dip, drop.

All right, and here are the scores. Are you not getting a toast? Ah, here's my toast. Here's to the devil and all of his wonderful tricks. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Alright. Alright.

We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up. I'm on the bottom, I'll be very upset. Ben, one. What the fuck, man? You get a one. Zach, you get a three. Alright, I thought he was just being nice to me to I feel like I was at the bottom of the barrel. No, I thought I was on the top

of the barrel. I don't understand why I'm on the bottom of the barrel. Mark, what did I do wrong? You get a four. You get a four? You get a 77. Yeah, brother! He's known the segment the whole time. You can't talk about toes? You get a 77. Yeah, brother! You knew the segment! Yeah!

He's known the segment the whole time. You're 77. Thank you much. That's a big jump. That's a big jump. It doesn't make any sense. You're 85. 85!

No way I'm ever going to reach that age. Boy, oh boy, am I going to die out. Yeah. And so, it is between Kevin and Molly. It's about these birds, man. Flying. That's true. And you know what?

I got to say, Molly 86, Kevin 88. Yeah! Kevin Barnes. Kevin, take us out with a victory toast. Give us a victory toast. All I'm saying is I want to toast the flamingos. That shit is sad. They can't fly like the rest of them.

Just watching. Just pink with hate. They can't fly like the rest of them. Just watching. Just pink with hate. Pink with hate every single day. And it's sad, man. I give it out to y'all. Shout out to Flamingos. Peace. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel. Thanks for being here, Mark. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. Other one. At Zachary Sims. At Zachary Sims.

At Zachary Sims. All right. You know, nobody ever plugs anything on here. You failed, Zach. You failed. No, Zach, you did great. Marcus Parks, thanks for being here. I love you, Ben.

I love you. I don't know why you gave me one, but that's fine. Because it's disgusting to hear about your fucking bald toe. With no fucking... At Dickson.com, everybody. Alright. The best man won, Kevin. Oh, she is getting saucy.

Can we have a whole other episode? Just Molly and Kevin. Molly and... Oh, conceding defeat. Every time a girl has sex, they call it conceding defeat. Molly, get your hand off my thigh. Holy Lord. Come on.

I was giving a compliment. Jeez, Molly, come on. Live your life. you