The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 84: River Mud

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Today on the Round Table, the subjects of prison, river mud, and why everyone should get tased on their birthday are discussed at length. Featuring Michael Che and Molly Knefel!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ear to the good lord! Good lord! gentlemen. Always civility. To the goat lords! Goat lords! Send me this podcast to the goat lords today! One must be goat to another goat!

I eat trash every day, goat lord. I eat trash every day just for you. Please watch over my brother and Ellen. That doesn't make you a goat, that makes you a garbage woman. I am a garbage woman. I am a garbage woman like in Fraggle Rock

and you guys should pray to me because I know everything. Slay the felled beast. I will. I'm not the felled beast, right? You're the fucking beast. Is she the beast? I wouldn't kill you, Jackie. She's a beast woman. i don't like that new song

yeah it's not nice to you shaking his head no nobody likes it i'm praying so that everyone can learn to live like a goat we can suck from a teat we can suck from a can i really hope that someday we all learn how to bite through a can so we don't need can openers anymore I'm outlawing can openers come on 2012 so I hope everyone hears my pleas because if you're a human

you're dead get hooves, get trash because that's all we fucking need alright well welcome to the round table we'd be very happy you never see a sad goat fucking need. All right. Well, welcome to the roundtable. Amen. We'd be very happy you never see a sad goat.

If trash makes you happy. Is that a sad goat? What happened to make you so sad, goat? Goats sound different. It's great. Yeah, man, I'm bleating like a goddamn motherfucker. You ever see the goat that talks like a dude? It's like, hey!

Hey! It's great. I have now. As soon as you did it, I saw the goat that talks like a dude? It's like, hey! Hey! It's great. I have now. As soon as you did it, I saw the goat that talks like a dude. That's for damn sure. Alright, who is everybody? Jackie Zebrowski. Eek! Eek! Eek! Ed Larson. Hey! Oh, goat!

Harder McNeely. Oh! I'm Michael Che, and I'm Michael Che And I'm sitting in for somebody I don't even like to say his name Kevin Burnett You gotta make a noise Che What's your noise? Boogity boogity boo

Wow Mr. Boogity man Mr. Boogity boogity boo I love it I'll go click clack There we go Really fun. Really fun there.

That's your hooves. Your hooves. That's my hooves. I really... Go back to the hooves. Yeah, that's good. I'm really expanding my comedic horizons. Man, nobody knows what's going on right now of our listeners.

Nor should they. Too late. You can't start the podcast after like 6.30 because everyone is drunk. Am I the only one drunk? Some are. I'm drunk. All right. I've been is drunk. Some are. I've been drinking for so many hours. We'll talk about it after I introduce Molly Neffel.

Molly! Can I make a noise too? Yes, please. I'm not sure if it'll work into the microphone, but I can sound like a horse. Oh, let's hear it. Of course you can. Oh, wow! That is amazing.

And erotic. Yeah, I know. It moved, Molly. It moved. I might go watch some videos. You made that noise four other times in your life. That is disgusting. Oh, boy.

All right, I'm Ben Kissel. With us is always the newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got, buddy? Jesus. Why does everybody sound like they're marooned? You're like the crow in some sort of cannibal island. Wilson! And erotic.

Another erotic one. Vermont State Troopers. Actually, it would be kind of fun. Can you do the horse and you do the scream? One, two... Every time Eddie fucks. Every time Eddie fucks, that's the noise that reeks from the bedroom. That is amazing. I've heard it.

I lived with him at some point. Absolutely. All right. Vermont state troopers have been driving around with a picture of a pig on their cruisers, courtesy of a creative inmate. A state trooper inspecting his vehicle found that one of the spots on a cow in the Vermont state crest decal on the door had been changed to the shape of a pig. Further investigation revealed that some 60 secretly altered decals had been added to police cars in the last couple years.

It's so great, man. Awesome, man. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.

They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him. They got him.. They got him. He's an artistic in the car., and he's an artistic in the car. They gotta put some pictures of donuts on there Am I right? Police officer pigs Yeah exactly That's what he was getting to It's an artistic inmate He should be encouraged to do such things I love this guy

There's gotta be just a lot of fun, silly, practical jokes Going on in prison And that's what I would live for there I'd be like oh who stole your shoes Oh I don't know Was it me? You fucker You fucker I'll kill you I'll't know. Was it me? You fucker! You fucker! I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you with my

shiv, you bastards! It's like relatively mild-mannered for a prison joke, though. Yeah, I know. What did you do? I made a sticker. Shaped like a barnyard animal! Yeah, that'll get him. Eddie, check it out.

It's pretty great, isn't it? It's even smaller than that, though. It's like trying to sneak a boobie into a film in the 1950s. Very difficult. It's just a fucking thing in the cow looks like a pig. It's very difficult to see. The pranks happen. Do you ever see that movie Lady Vengeance? Where they keep tricking women into eating the big fat one out?

What? First of all, you don't have to trick them that much. I got a big fat chicken here who wants to get eaten out. It was a prison thing. It was a woman's prison and she was the mean one. And so they would trick them into getting locked into the sauna room. Or I guess it was the bathhouse. A bathhouse and a sauna?

It was like a Japanese thing. Lady Vengeance. They just kept eating this fat woman out. She was like, That's great. Why was she so fat? She was so fat. She just lied on her back all day and got her pussy eaten.

You can't lose weight that way. It's really actually sad. Oh, wow. That's perfect. I would love to lose weight that way. It's really actually sad. You know? Oh, wow. That's perfect. I would love to... I'd love to lose weight that way. I would love to lose weight that way. I want to pull a Joanna man, but for female prisons. I would love to go to spend a week in female prison. I think they would eat you alive.

I hope they do. That would be hot. Female prison is really fantastic. It seems super nice. It's cordial. They fall in love with each other. They're so mean. There's so much love in super nice. It's cordial. Everyone, they fall in love with each other. They're so mean. There is so much love in female prisons. It's outlawed.

That's insane. What do you mean it's outlawed? You can't be in a lesbian relationship. You can't hold hands. You can't be in a lesbian relationship? No, you can't. That's like footloose. It is like footloose.

It is. No one puts that bad chick in the corner to get her pussy eaten. That's a good point. But no, there's so much love in the air in female prisons, they have to ban it. In male prisons, they just encourage it. They're like, please, suck each other's dicks. No, it's just alliances. Love each other.

That's the problem, is you can't trust alliances, especially lesbians. They're the shrewdest of the shrews. Lesbian alliance. They're sexy, though, man. They're smart. They're the smartest ones. What's sexier than a female prison, man? Caged heat.

Anytime a woman gets sentenced to jail I get an erection Really Mary Kayla Caged heat Lesbians are more in touch with each other Than any other couple Because they're both women So they just talk to each other all the time

Is that true I don't know if I would be able to stroke your dick off properly I've been jacking off with my bitch cop for a long time I imagine gay dudes don't talk to each other at all time. Is that true? I don't know if I would be able to stroke your dick off properly, lady. I've been jacking off with a baby for a long time. I imagine gay dudes don't talk to each other at all. Two dudes in a relationship? No one wants to talk. In prison. Yeah, man. I don't know if that's true. You don't think you'd be... I'm sure you could

work a dick just fine. If I'm fucking a dude in prison, we're not talking. If you and me go to prison together, we're going to be talking when I'm like, Eddie! Yo, Eddie! Ben, Eddie! Yo, Eddie! Ben over here! Yo, Eddie! Eddie!

Let's hang out, Eddie! And remember all those fun times? If I wanted to fuck you, I'd sell you. What the fuck, man? That's mean. That's a mean thing to do to me. It's a contract, though, right? It's for protection.

When you fuck a dude, it's not about love. It's about, I mean, inside the walls. It's not about love. It's about protection. It's like the reason women have sex with men throughout the entire history of humankind. For protection. They don't love them. Oh my god, if I ever go to prison, my first day, the first thing I'm going to do is find

the biggest, toughest dude around and just start rubbing on his dick. I'm like, I'm yours now, please protect me, sir. You said the exact same thing before Friday night going out to the bars. The first thing I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to disguise myself as a mustache. Right? And I'm going to get on the first dude's upper lip that I find that's huge and jacked.

And I'll just be that the whole time in prison. Shit, man. Holden, you would be probably, you would get in, you would be raped so hard that you would bleed to death. Oh, yeah. Immediately. Ass blood, too. That's a bad way. If I had to go to prison,

I'd cough a lot. You'd cough a lot? No, yeah. I'd just start coughing and scratching. You've got to be careful. You don't want to drop all the heroin and shivs

out of your asshole. That's the only problem. You've got to keep a lot of the coughs in. I just don't think the same rules apply as you would get on a Greyhound bus. You act sick when you get on a Greyhound bus

so no one sits next to you. Or retarded. Have you? I pulled my hoodie over my eyes and it's like... No one sat next to me. Does everybody do that on Greyhound buses? Everybody just stop pretending to be retarded

And we can just hang out And have a great trip together Just a bus full of people Going For four hours So weird Just so they can sit alone They're like spacey

And usual suspects They just walk perfectly And they order their Arby's sandwich Which is great You're also attracting The first retarded guy To get on the bus He's gonna sit down next to you

And be like You like shoes? I like shoes. That's true. I'm going to tell you about the time a woman thought I was Jesus on a bus. No. She asked me if she'd kiss my feet. What?

And I was just like, no, no, no. You said no? Of course I said no. It's tough to do on a bus, I mean. Fuck, I say yes. Okay, so why did she think you were Jesus? Because I had long hair and she was insane. You know?

I was asking me if I was Jesus while I was listening to Black Sabbath. Has she ever left her apartment? I feel like this is the first time out. Oh, man. She said something horrible. Like she had been raped once and she asked me if that was a sin. It's fine. It's fine to be a rape victim.

It's not a sin. She's asking me if she's sinned. Oh, shit. like, oh. It's fine to be a rape victim. It's not a sin. A sin for who? A sin for, she's asking me if she's sinned. Oh, shit. Well, oh, it was hard. Wait, Jay, you would let a stranger kiss your feet? Hell yeah. On a bus? Why?

Why? Oh, only on a bus. Okay, but it's only if it's on a bus. I'm not like somebody I gotta see again. And she's like, wait a minute, you told me you were Jesus and throw coffee in my face. I mean, she wasn't prettier than you. If I'm in Wisconsin or I'm on a bus or taking a trip somewhere and she's like, yeah, I want to suck your feet. You say kiss or suck?

Kiss. Yeah, I'd let her kiss on my feet too. Suck on your feet? Why not? You only live once. You only let women kiss or suck on your feet when you're extremely comfortable. Yes, if I'm on a bus, you got to pass the time. Everybody else is insanely uncomfortable on a bus.

How about this one for you? A friend of mine works at a bar recently had a guy come in asked to do cocaine off of his boot. Oh, that's fine. No, that's not even...

That's not even silly. Was he on a scavenger hunt? But the guy had... It was a thing that he had a big boner while he was doing it. So would you let a guy with a big boner

do a line of coke off your boot? I mean, how much is he going to give me coke? Did he give him any money? Yeah, I was about to say, how much is he paying? No, just for fun. For fun?

No, I'm not doing that for fun. Do I have to wear the boot? 50 bucks at least. That's a fetish. Your boot. The boot is on your foot. Oh, no, I wouldn't let him do that shit. 15 bucks?

50. Oh, 50? 50. I'd do it for 20. I'd do it for 50. I'd do it for like a beer. I'd do it just to watch him do it. I'd do it for $20. I'd do it for $50. I'd do it for like a beer. I'd do it just to watch him do it. I'd do it for a beer.

I'd definitely do it for $20. That's a good point. No, you can get off my nose. It does. Stick your foot out. I mean, if he's an ice guy, he could do it for free probably. Yeah, but that's when the Sting Squad bursts into the bar right as he's doing the line of coke off your boot.

Wait a minute. And then you fucking go down for 18 to 19 years. He had a gram on his toe. He had a gram on his toe. You don't know how the law works. Are these new boots? Are they nice boots that I'm wearing or what? It's not going to ruin the boot.

Yeah, no, I think the boot is fine, but these are boots you've had for a little while, but they're your favorite boots. It would freak me out to know that a dude was getting an erection from something that he's doing to me. Just period. Why? There's probably a man jacking off to you right now. That's weird.

You're a public figure. No, I'm not that public. He's got almost 500 Twitter followers. I got almost 600, by the way. I'm a little more public than you think. Round table of the year. That's better than a lot of libraries in Jersey. You are welcome.

That wouldn't freak you out a little bit to know a guy's got an erection and he's smelling your boot? Dudes have boners all the time. This is what I would do. Sometimes dudes are just hard. I'd be like, give me a second. Give me one second. I'd go into the bathroom. I'd take the boot off. I'd fart on the boot.

I'd put the boot back on. He's getting a little bit of a charge from what he's trying to do, but then he gets a little bit of my action. So then you have a boner too. Just to paint the scene here, there's a man with a boner sniffing cocaine off

of a boot and Holden is just chuckling to himself. Big smile on his face. And this is your ideal situation. This guy doesn't

know that I farted on the boot. This is great. This is fun. This guy's no idea that boot was just in my ass. I just like farting

on boots. That's my thing. I just like to fart on a boot. You guys both have fart guns. It's just sad. You just added another layer to this man's poor fetish. Now he can only get a boner when the boot is full of cocaine and smells like your asshole.

Hey, can I do coke off your boot? First, can you fart on your boot? You had me at hell. You lost me at coke and then the fart on the boot. You wouldn't be weirded, Marcus. Marcus, you wouldn't be weirded if a guy, like, fucking wanted to smell your foot or sniff Coke off your boot and he's got, like, this rock-hard erection.

You can't see the boner chair. It's, like, grabbing there. How do we know it exists if you can't see it? How else are you going to see it if you know it's there? You've got to assume it's there. It's like God. He's wearing gym shorts. No, I guarantee you.

He's wearing Jack Trooper shorts. Every single person in this room except for Holden has caused someone to have a boner. Yeah, exactly. I agree. There you go. I agree. Eddie's a big bear type. People enjoy me. Oh, I guess I have. I'm a twink. Michael's a very good looking guy.

Molly, obviously. And I like taxes. I like doing my taxes. Simple accounting. And if you want to sit down and talk about it, I'm free from the hours of noon to 8. I like doing my taxes. Simple accounting. And if you want to sit down and talk about it, I'm free from the hours of noon to 8. And we can talk about taxes. Eddie, you went to a very soft cloud in your brain when you thought about the male boners that you've had.

What happened? What do you mean? How do you know that men have boned up to you so much? Because the fat boys. Fat boys. It was on the bear website. That is confirmed.

Yeah, I know. Dudes have fucking Lord knows how many cum shots. It's so upsetting. That's really great. I also find it weird that in that website I am also in a site with my brother that he is being jacked off to.

So I feel like we might as well. Jealous? I guess. And you're like the dude's balls in a straight porno. Everyone's like, get her off. Get her out of there. You're the part where people stop jerking off for a second. They yell at the cameraman for a second in their head.

Yeah, it's whenever you. Everyone's done that whenever you're watching porn. Why do you point to me? Because you... You're there. You're the only person in this room that watches as much porn as I do. That's true.

Maybe Ben. No, no, no. It's me and you. I'm in and out. I watch a lot of fucking porn. Yeah, so do I. Do you think that Henry has had more males jack off to him

than you have, Jackie? Hell no! Good. I agree. I agree. I'll give you a 30 myself. See, all? Hell no! Good. I agree. I agree. I'll give you a 30 myself. See, all of Jackie's were in person. Right. Dodonga! Dodonga!

You had your noise! It was a different noise! You only get one noise! Come on, Dodonga! Come on! Fine. Oh my goodness. Well, if you get two noises, now everyone gets two noises. I don't know. Well, you just seep it in.

I don't like that one. Now we just sound like the animals that are with us on this ruined island. What is going on? All right, on to the next news story. What is this so long ago? A homeless man who spent three days stuck in deep mud near the Rio Grande River in New Mexico was rescued after high school students on a field trip heard him yelling for help. The expression is deep shit.

Oh, interesting. Next story! We are done here. Oh, man. His freedom... They had to bring firefighters out to use a pulley system to pull him out of the mud.

Police discovered, however, that he had a felony warrant for aggravated assault. No way. And they planned to arrest him as soon as he is released from the hospital where he is being treated for hypothermia. Oh, man.

Is this quicksand that got him? Is this a quicksand store? Y'all never encountered river mud. No! Y'all never encountered river mud. No. It's like it got on the 7 train with you on your way over here.

No, I didn't encounter it. Oh, so I guess y'all never encountered River Mud? Jesus Christ. It's a shotgun cock. See the cock of the damn shotgun. You're like the page from Dirty Rock. River Mud, no. Whittling my raccoon.

Anyway, it'll be a knife soon. No, we're just a bunch of city slickers on vacation. We just need to figure out how to get back to the camp. Oh, God, is that cocaine on your boat? It smells like a fart. Well, this is like, so the DA in Manhattan right now wants to make it so that everybody who's ever arrested for anything gets DNA testing.

And so that way, if you steal a thing of milk, they can get you for murder. Because everybody's on file. And the fact that this guy was in quicksand and then is going to end up in river mud. It's quicksand. It's river mud. I think it's just mud.

It's different. It's just deep mud. But now he's going to go to federal prison for being in river mud. No, he's not going to federal prison for being in river mud. He's going to federal prison for having a felony warrant for aggravated assault. Yeah, the assault, not the river mud. Yeah, the river mud's fine. If it was some other dude in the river mud, he would have just been pulled out. River mud's what did him in.

River mud is what... Seen it a thousand times. It sounds like the worst in Neverending Story. Oh, it does. Think about that mud. If a cow gets stuck in river mud, what'll happen is that Jesus Christ.

If a cow gets stuck in river mud, he'll sink down and it freaks out so bad that it'll whip around so much that it'll break its own neck. Whoa! That's fun, Dad. I grew up next to a river, like three blocks from a river, and then I went to school in another city that was on the river. You didn't grow up near a Texas river. Yeah, yeah. That shit is dangerous.

It's got river mud, river goblins, river mules. Yeah, because Texas is like the end of Texas river. Yeah, yeah. So this is not river mud. That shit is... Dave's got river mud, river goblins, river mules. Yeah, because Texas is like the end of the river. Yeah. You know, you're at like the top of the river, so you've got a different

kind of river. Have you ever seen a goblin suck his own dick? It's terrifying. It only happens by a river in Texas. I just feel like river mud is...

That phrase doesn't speak to me, and I identify with rivers a lot. So you're talking about Texas river mud. All right, so't speak to me, and I identify with rivers a lot. So you're talking about Texas river mud. All right, so let's just go ahead and say it. And New Orleans. It sounds like a slur, honestly.

I don't know if you guys are making fun of me or not. Interesting. Look at that boy. Stuck in river mud. That boy looks like he been dipped in river mud. I'm uncomfortable. I'm not doing this anymore. You wish you were that sticky.

Everyone does want to be covered in river mud. I kind of do. It's kind of cool. It was a real John Rambo situation for this. Creditor. I used to love playing in river mud. It's like the best fucking feeling in the world. Oh, you know what?

Good for him. Thank you. Because he was home. Not you. I'm talking about you. The homeless guy. You weren't running from anybody. You Thank you. Because he was home. Not you. Not you. The homeless guy. You weren't running from anybody. You were like there for fun and pleasure.

Well, no one knows how or why this guy got stuck in the river mud. He was probably fleeing to Mexico. Right. Because of the felony. Dude, if a guy, if I was stuck in river mud and somebody sent down a pulley and was like, Hey, you want to get three square meals and a nice clean orange jumpsuit? I'd be like, hell yeah, I fucking do three square meals in a nice, clean, orange jumpsuit? I'd be like, hell yeah, I fucking do.

And I would have fucking gladly went up there. Yeah, and he was stuck in this river mud for three days. What was he stuck in? They sold you on purpose? But Marcus, why didn't you ever get stuck in river mud? Because I knew where to not step. Yeah, and his feet are spindly things. Not normal. He's got wet toes.

Michael, I just want to understand. So it's like if they tantalized you with the idea of prison, you'd be like, all right, get me out of it. They would just get you out of it anyway. After three days in fucking river mud. You don't have to go to prison. But you do have to go to prison if they take you. That's true. I mean, you can't just tell these people like, nah, nah, I'm fine

Nah, nah, I'm fine You guys get out of here Well, you see them coming, you dunk your head under You hold your nose and dunk your head That's the thing When stuck You're rescued, though You can't get out of Rivermont

You're fucking rescued Those are not white people instincts It's weird You Rivermont son of a bitch You're like, no, I'll take the fucking... Those are not white people instincts. It's weird. You river mud son of a bitch. All right. Jesus Christ. I'm leaving.

I don't need this shit. Let's just call a river mud a river mud. Michael, stay, please. Michael, don't leave. These guys. You know what? Michael, don't leave. It is bullshit. I'm with you.

I'm the fucking round table of the year. I don't need to be... It ain't right. All right. He I'm with you. I'm the fucking round table of the year. I don't need to be. It ain't right. And he gives the awards and he takes away the awards. All right, so we get a name for this man. A name and a mugshot. His name is Clayton Sin. Wait, do you mean a mudshot?

Mudshot. Mudshot. All right, all right. Mudshot, baby, yeah. Mudshot. That sounds like a kick-ass porn series. It does. It right, all right. Mudshot, baby, yeah. Mudshot. That sounds like a kick-ass porn series. It does. It's a shit series, though.

It's just you're just shitting on people. Exactly. And he's described as a transient. Eddie, give us a Mudshot description. Well, he definitely does look like a transient. He's Woody Harrelson-ish. I would say longer hair, more dumb, and definitely high. Wow, that's beautiful. All right, everybody.

That's the river mud. Check it out. Dead on. Dead on. Oh, that's my buddy. He looks like my friend Dennis. I swear to God. That is a drifter if I've ever heard of one.

I was really hoping that he would still be covered in mud. I know. No, they sprayed him off. They hosed him down, man. That would be pretty awesome while they chained him down and hosed him off with a big, fat hose. Oh, yeah. He would be like Farva from Super Troopers when they fucking hosed him off with his little dick. Fucking disgusting.

That would be pretty, pretty attractive. So now he's going to prison. What kind of sexual thing that is, even. It's not. It's like there's submission. Yeah. You need me to get the mud off? I'll get the mud off in my own way.

I've seen women being sprayed with a hose I've seen women get the mud off before oh yeah the river mud cause they were in the river of mud last night we got the mud off bitsy we got the mud off bitsy it was real fine

the cows loved it hey what happens on the Brazos Rivers between us? Because that's the river that I lived off of. I'm going off to war tomorrow. There's no war. I love you. There's no war, god damn it. I got to kill.

I just had no idea that the South has killer mud. Yeah. We have killer. Quick send. Apparently apparently caters to yeah we've got killer a lot of stuff in the uh killer snakes killer pigs killer fuckators yeah killer mud things that we have in iowa only they're all murderers and yeah yeah i was such a pussy state i'm sorry to tell you humans murder humans in iowa not mud it's much better oh we have quite a few murders ourselves. I've talked about this.

Do you guys have any animals that kill? In Iowa? Yeah. Only deer indirectly. Oh, yeah. Jesus. No, you hit a deer with your... I had a very hard life, Michael. That's why they make the cereal. It's like the fucking dream place, man.

Do you have any natural disasters besides snowstorms? Tornadoes. We've got mild tornadoes. Mild tornadoes? God damn it! They're like, hello, excuse me, pardon me. Just coming through here. Oh, so sorry. So sorry. I had my town

destroyed by a tornado when I was 12. It destroyed the town! We have floods, but I live... It wasn't that hard to do. It was small, but goddammit, that tornado was fucking surgical. And then even when we had floods, I lived on a hill, so we were fine.

They're called fludes there, and they don't really do anything. They just coast down the stream like a water slide. A little drink. You just wait for 9-11-2, Molly. It's going to be in Des Moines. 9-11-2 in Des Moines.

Everyone will know it's not an inside job because the government doesn't even know that place exists. Unemployment's very high. Just someone flies a biplane into a barn. Exactly. No one was in that barn. You just burnt a bunch of hay. You're the worst terrorist ever. Windmill Tower 2 is down.

You can see the way the barn kind of exploded from the inside, though. The chicken coop fell shortly after. I'm just saying. It's not a coincidence. I don't know what happened. Despite being not hit by the biplane either way there's a boy in some river mud let's go save it all right on to the next story a north carolina woman shut down a mcdonald's drive-thru for 20 minutes this week when she cut in line of course

she did evangeline luca skipped past the order window and got more than a little testy when the employees refused to serve her cops wereops were called, words were exchanged, and a taser and second-degree trespass charges put an end to things. What? Luca apparently pulls this stunt frequently, and she had her three-year-old daughter in the car. Do we have a picture of Luca?

We do not have a picture of Luca. Oh, that's too bad. But hell yeah, North Carolina! Raise up! We do have a picture of a taser, though! Yeah! No, that is her. She is a human taser. Wait, so she cut in line

at the... She cut in line at the... She was waiting in her car at McDonald's. She got tired of waiting. She got out of her car, went to the window, tried to get her order. She got disorderly, and the cops came and tased the fuck out of her. I blame the internet.

Is this even news? It is news. I guess. That shit wouldn't make the news in Florida, because that happens all the time. That's just getting better service faster. Walk up to the window, you'll get the food. We just lack all patience now. It's fast food.

It's McDonald's. You've got to be able to wait three minutes to get your fucking shitty Big Mac and fries. When you've got a three-year-old in the car, three-year-old needs her nuggets and he needs a cab. That is going to be the worst child ever. No, she doesn't need it. Oh, okay, Wendy. I'll get you your nuggets. Did you hear about the girl who only ate chicken nuggets her whole life?

She almost died. Yeah, she's dying. She's dying. It'll happen. Have you seen the pink toothpaste they fucking pump into those things? Is it chicken? I don't even think it's chicken. It's just pink goo.

How could you only eat chicken nuggets? Her entire life, she ate chicken nuggets three times a day. I heard the argument. I heard the entire story. And I was so pissed at the article, they were like blaming McDonald's. Fucking don't eat chicken nuggets! McDonald's doesn't eat chicken nuggets every day!

They have been there my entire life. And I remember being like, it's another day, I better have some chicken nuggets. Coors Light, maybe you could yell at them. Yeah, yeah, I could yell at them. Have a couple words with Budweiser. You've ruined our lives! They don't even sell chicken nuggets at breakfast time. Wow, fucker.

She probably has her own. I'm sure she does. She also has nuggets from the store, probably. Well, do you honestly think this woman wakes up before 10.30 a.m.? That's the thing. If you're addicted to chicken nuggets, you're a late sleeper. How old is she that she's dying? How old is she?

18? 18, 17, 18. She just had her whole life. Thank God. Just die. She's too old to not make her own decisions. You don't want to eat something else in your goddamn diet. That's the worst.

It's ridiculous. It's Darwinism. Die. Exactly. Die. So many fucking die. She's probably on a bus somewhere trying to eat chicken nuggets off somebody's boot. Exactly.

But she can't because it smells so bad and there's cocaine residue all over it. My gums are numb. I just had a chicken nugget. Here's the thing about that woman in the drive-thru is that she

did not get the full-on stun gun like the one that actually inserts itself into your skin. Don't tase me, bro! Yeah!

She got what is called a drive stun. And a drive stun involves removing the taser cartridge and touching the weapon directly on the skin to create a quote, pain compliance effect. Nice.

I thought that's how it's supposed to be done. I just want to say, I know we're criticizing her for eating a lot of chicken nuggets, or that different lady, and maybe this lady shouldn't have run up to the drive-thru. But also, I think we can all agree tasing is a little bit disproportionate. Yeah, it should have just hit her in the face.

I mean, before it was a dodge. Tasing's so funny. It's hilarious. I hear you. You make a good point, Molly, and this is why I believe we should get rid of all small arms. Everyone should only have nuclear weapons.

And it would just be swords and fists, and then no wars would ever happen. It's the little weapons that people just feel free to use. If it was all guns, they would be like, well, we can't shoot her. We have no taser. It's like, that's the irony of the taser. I think tasers are great. They're great. They're super fun.

But in this situation, I feel like the biggest punishment she could have received was not getting her food. Right. You know, I think that's the most that she... We're only getting like three nuggets in our meal. But that's it. What are you supposed to do? A woman that is standing there at the drive-thru and is not moving...

Close the window. Don't talk to her anymore. No, you gotta taser. But you have other customers. You gotta taser. You absolutely have to her anymore. No, you got to tase her. But you have other customers. You got to tase her. You absolutely have to tase her. You got to tase her. Yeah, no, you call the cops and the cops tase her and she's gone and then it's over.

Because this lady's arguing. So you know how hard it is to remember what your argument is while you're getting tased? That's funny. Yeah, it is funny. You got to remember what she's like. I needed a kiss. Because it's got gotta still be important To hold Taze

She's like being shocked And she's like no but this is worth it And it's not Those poor McDonald's employees having to deal with this terrible cunty woman It's like please get her out of here It's awful It's worth the lawsuit Taze her?

Just come on get her out of here I would say taze more people There should be random tazings I wish they'd tase more people Yeah Who do you want to tase the most There should be random tasings They should just I think they should tase everybody Tase lottery They should have tased checkpoints

I think you should Everyone once a year Everyone should have to get tased Keep Americans humble Every year you gotta go It's a good idea At one point It's on your birthday

You gotta go to the You gotta go to the city hall Put your hands behind your head And get tased under the ribs That's a good point That's a good point. You'll cry, you'll scream, it'll be the most accurate depiction of your actual birth. It'll be a surprise party.

Everybody around the world talks about the arrogance of Americans and how awful we are. I think if we got teased, we'd be a little bit more humble. Way more. I agree. And other countries would be like, those guys aren't fucking around. They might be like, we got MTV and all

the this and that. I'm running for sheriff, boys. This is Houston County now. That lots of goat lord. I vote. Holden is definitely goat lord That's why

That would be why he's goat lord That is it Hey He's a trash can man Loving them sounds Making them crazy sounds Fucking tase everybody man You know what they should tase

They should tase people You know what they should tase They should tasease people. You know what they should tase? They should tase the people that walk through the fucking door at the subway and set off the emergency alarm. I wish there was some idea to tase them. What are you doing? Tase those fucking people. Pay-per-view event. Tase them.

We're tasing Michelle Obama. I want to see. What? What? What? Whoa. How is the first lady involved? How did we get her?

Everyone's got to get tased. She's an American. No. That's the move. Well, that hasn't been proven yet. I haven't seen that birth certificate. I want to see Mayweather and Pacquiao in the ring with tasers. I would fucking pay $70 for that shit.

Every time a neighbor comes in America, tease him. That's where the statue of the Lord should hold the taser. I agree with that. You are a big French fisherman.

You are a fucking taser. You know who I want to see tased? Betty White. Oh, you got a Betty White. Can we get on

Facebook? No teasing after 80. No, you got to set get on Facebook? No tasing after 80. No, you guys. Is that a new rule? I want to set a Facebook campaign to get Betty White tased. No. No. Let's do the tase.

Me and you, Chad. Oh, that would be fucking great, man. We're fucking doing it. No, get like Kissel tased. No, no, no. Betty White. Let's do that for fun. Yeah, exactly.

All right? I'm going to get woken up on fucking Thursday morning with Eddie's fat ass tase in me. I just got it, dude. I just got it. Does it work? I'm like, yeah, it fucking works. Halftime, Super Bowl XLVIII, Betty White getting tased. I agree with Trey.

That'd be great. She has had it way too good for way too long. She hasn't had it that good. There's so many other old people that would be great to tase. And we're going to tase them too. Jerry Lewis. Tase Jerry Lewis. That would be incredible. Donald Trump is the first

guy to get tased. We get him right in the neck. Oh yeah. Don Rickles is dead, right? No! What the fuck? Don't wish Don Rickles dead, Jackie. It's a comedy podcast. We've got to know things about the very famous media.

How about this? He's so old. I'm sorry. Ooh, Wilford Brimley. Ooh. I would say maybe the Forbes top 20 richest people in the world. We could tase them. Tase them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. I'm sure they've all been tased. They own the taser company. You've got to try your own product. You're sure they've all been tased? Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I would love to personally Taze Barry Diller. Who's Barry Diller? He owned IAC, the company I worked for. I love to just jam one right down his fucking throat. The guy's the top 24. Oh yeah.

He was so polite everybody. He covered his mouth. That's river mud. Poffing up a little river mud. Don't talk to Che like that. I don't like the R word. It's an RM. I don't like the RM word.

It's uncomfortable. But those guys that are in the top 20, their sexual habits are so fucking bizarre and so weird. Yeah, they have to be. Because the higher you get up in power, the weirder your sexual desires get. Yeah, you're allowed to do whatever you want to do. And you earned it.

You get to fuck whatever you want to fuck. Yeah, and those guys have definitely been tased in the balls. Oh, man. I see what you're saying. They all love punishment and stuff. Exactly. They all love it. Yeah, that's...

Yeah. They would love it. It seems like the kinkiest shit, maybe just because of financial limitations, budget limitations, but it seems like the richer you are, the kinkier you are likely to be.

It's literally the only reason I want to be rich. Just so I can get my balls tased. Everyone's like, why? Because I own a fucking company. They're like, oh, of course. You're an asshole. You're a total piece of shit. There was a gay dude who was're like, oh, of course. Yeah, you're an asshole. You're a total piece of shit. Barry Diller was a gay dude who was married to Diane von Furstenberg. Diamond bitch?

She sounds rich. I heard her name. Yeah, she does clothing line stuff. Von Furstenberg? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were married. She was a good old beard for him. And he had this boat,

he had this yacht that he used to drive from Jersey over to New York every day. Oh, my God. And then he had his crew, his boat crew. It was just five of the most stout

gay 24-year-old dudes I'd ever met. And then they come into the building like, oh, we're part of the boat crew. It's like, oh yes, of course you are. He treated his sexuality like international gambling. When you gamble in the middle of the ocean, like, well, there's no are. He treated his sexuality like international gambling. When you gamble in the middle of the ocean,

you're like, well, there's no laws here. It's fine. I've been thinking about this. Are there working class furries? Of course. Most of them are. They're all working class. That's where they exist.

Yeah, there's weird guys. They're called whores, Norman. Normal guys in the office. No, they're not called whores. Furries and fluffies, I think that's a cute thing to do. That's some weird shit, man. It is weird. Normal guys in the office. No, they're weird. Furries and fluffies. I think that's a cute thing to do. That's some weird shit, man. It is weird.

But if you're busy and you're stressed out and you gotta find people to watch your kids and you're working until 7, 8 at night, you're really gonna come home and get your dry cleaned? How much shit do you have to go through before you realize I like to be dressed up as a teddy bear and fuck through a hole. You just want to do it. I'd laugh my ass off. I'd do it with somebody just for the fun of it. I'd have to try everything before I consider it. I like skin.

Yeah, I tell you. I'm a big fan of skin. If you're a furry or a fluffy or whatever they are, you come home after a sex romp session and you're the greatest father of all time. You're the big bunny and you just play with your kids in the same outfit. He loves you. It's amazing.

It would be so funny to fuck Daffy Duck. It would be great to fuck Daffy Duck. Daffy Duck's different, though, because Daffy Duck, he's kind of flirtatious with his tail up over his shirt. I mean, well, not him in particular. No, we know what you're talking about. I'm saying, like, not him in particular, because... No, we know what you're talking about. I'm saying, like... We both thought about... I'm pretty sure that Michael and Holden and Marcus just gave away a secret passion. No, I mean...

I mean, when you're fucking ducks, does gender even matter? I mean, I'd only fuck Donald Duck just because he's white. He's a duck. Che, you've done some gay shit though, right? Never That is a sign that you have Not with a man Wow What's the gayest thing you did with a chick?

I've listened to her stories That is pretty gay You can't really argue with the homosexuality of that That's a fact You're a gay argue with the homosexuality of that. That's a fact. You're a gay-ass dude, Shay. Listen to that chick's stories. You're weak, dude.

You're a fucking gay dude. It's pathetic. I wanted to taste it all night. You're a real Paul Mooney over here. You are gayer than Kevin Barnett. It's wild to be gayer than Kevin Barnett because he's so gay. So blatantly gay, yeah. It's bad. wild to be gay with Kevin Barnett because he's so gay. So blatantly gay, yeah. Tate brought Jermaine Fowler for the Super Bowl party and Jermaine Fowler would not stop talking

about those man's sweet, sweet butts, dude. It was amazing. He just over and he's like, man, that midget got a fucking butt. I'm like, why are you talking about midget butts? In all fairness, as the only river mud here, I have to...

Are you taking the word? Can we not say it anymore? No, no, no. We just invented it tonight! Can we say it? I'm only saying it to take the power away. Reclaim that shit. But no, but I mean, hey, man, black guys like butts.

That's what we're into, man. We like butts That's what we into Man we like butts So it doesn't matter If it's male butt Oh no it matters I don't know I don't know What's his problem I'm just trying to say

That maybe Maybe he's got A little extra Ribbon mud chromosome Have you ever Checked out my ass Because it's pretty Disgusting Marcus

It went to his head Somebody told him He's got a good ass It's gross I've got a good ass Whatever So people were talking About it on Facebook Just earlier today Everything is set On Facebook It went to his head. Somebody told him he's got a good ass. He's got a good ass. It's gross. I've got a good ass. Whatever. No, so people were talking about it on Facebook just earlier today.

No, I'm not. Oh, well, everything is said on Facebook. It's so important and true. I'm not even on Roundtable that much, and I've definitely talked about all of your asses on Roundtable before. Really? I feel like this is something that's actually come up. Yeah, we had a... We talked...

Last time I was here, maybe two times ago, we talked about... I don't remember any of the things that we speak of. You definitely were talking about raiding everybody's asses. This is interesting though. For a woman, I know women that are into big ass, but what does a woman see in a

big ass? I asked this same question and the answer... Thrusting power. I remember the conversation now. It's grabbing too. It's the amount you can grab when he's fucking the shit out of you. I need to be able to grab a handful of ass. Molly, you don't like a big ass.

I can see with your face there. No, when I watch football players in their tight pants, it makes me a little bit nauseous. Really? Wow. Shay loves them. Shay loves to watch them in their tight pants. I watch football for the sportsmanship. Nauseous is too strong a word.

But I'm just like, the really, really big, muscular, scary football players, they seem scary and gross to me. It's a pretty hoity-toity point of view. Living on a hill in Iowa. Fuck the big muscle dudes. Big muscle dudes seem to get fucked. Who's fucking these guys? There's nothing hoity-toity about liking men who weigh like 115 pounds and have piercings and tattoos. Are you the one that keeps them coming around?

Oh, yeah. I thought we were going to get rid of those guys, but no, apparently. Women keep fucking them. I had one earlier tonight. You did? I'm just saying. I'm not into the massive muscles and asses. I like a skinny guy.

Oh, but you like a skinny guy. Fuck, for a second I thought I had a chance. Nope. Doesn't mean she wants a fat guy. But I do! Skinny guy! You're not strong. Oh, yeah, that's right. You're getting fatter. You are getting fatter. I am getting fatter. Good. I gotta go, Molly.

No, Marcus is fine. I'm not saying I only Whoa. I'm good. Like fine the way black girls say fine or fine like he's okay. I've slept with plenty of guys who aren't skinny guys. She slept with me. No, she didn't.

She's not dead. Stuck in a river moat somewhere. I'm going to lean away from the microphone now and not talk for a little bit. Who has Molly slept with? Find out on the next roundtable, gentlemen. See the horrors.

View unlimited terrors. Funny thing is, the only person that Molly slept with in this room is Jackie. Oh. What? How'd you guys sleep together? How was that? Wait, you said we have slept together? Yeah.

Holden and Jackie? Yeah, you guys slept together, right? Who? Jackie and Molly. No. No. I haven't slept with anyone in this room, definitively. Yeah, Molly just said she doesn't.

Where'd you get that from? It could be a hot dog. I'm interested to see it. That's how you find shit out. You make it up. Silent for like, whoa, really? Did this actually happen? Oh my god.

Wait a minute, Jackie. Did you turn Molly off to fucking larger men? Yeah, I think that I finally did it. I brawned her off. Damn it. Muscledwned her off. Damn it. I muscled my way through her. We have you to blame for all this. This is how powerful female sexuality is.

That was so clearly a joke, and yet all of you were like, what? Really? So excited. I'm offended because you guys are more shocked by that than when Ben said I did gay shit. You do gay shit. I never did. You do gay shit. You're a gay dude.

You guys are like, you said you were gay on the show. Yeah. They didn't say the word. That's why I gave you the award, because you came out on our show. I'm not. That's not. We're proud of you, Michael. We're all so proud of you.

No, I'm not gay. He's queer, motherfucker. Michael Che is queer. He's queer. He's black. And he is representing a whole other demographic of the gay community. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Oh, it's so nice.

Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. I fucking love you. Don't be a reluctant leader. I'm behind you a thousand percent, man.

We're all behind you a thousand percent. This is big day. I only like women. You can move to California and get married now. No. I don't even have to leave. I could do it here. But I don't want to because I'm straight.

He's right. Yeah. Not yet. You can't do it in California yet. You know what? Next story. Interesting. You can't declare next story. Oh, man. What a great speech from our leader? Next story. Interesting. You can't declare next story.

What a great speech from our leader. Next story. It's like it's so... I'm not gay, man. I'm just so happy that for you, it's like you being gay is a non-story. I'm not. Next story. It doesn't even matter.

Black men can be gay. White men can be gay. Anyone can be gay. And Michael Che, you are gay. Fuck you, man. I'm not gay at all. I like women. Anyone can be gay. And Michael Che, you are gay. Fuck you, man. I'm not gay at all. I like women. I have a girlfriend.

Can we all agree that calling a black man gay is just the funnest thing ever? No. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. No, no. I didn't even see your race when I said it. I just saw your sexuality. When's it at some Harold's coming around?

I loved Harold. He brought the best guacamole. And now we have a segment from Holden McNeely. Alright, well, due to a... Finish those bullshit. Due to a last minute upset with Shockey not coming to the board. Shockey's board isn't real.

Yeah, Shockey's board, it's not real. It's not real. He did not show up. I don't think it's real. He pussed out on this. Called it last week. I'm calling it again. Yeah, man. This point, it's getting real in the fact that it's not real. Either way, maybe we'll get him in later.

Because of that, Marcus and I agreed that we would do a lightning round. Everyone needs to create their own segment. Marcus is going to do the scoring. I'll start. You're going to be any animal... Oh, fuck you! That's mine! Okay, I'll

tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll leave that one to Ed. Mine is decide your execution. Lightning round and deciding your execution. I'm going to go with firing squad. Che, what are you going with? Your execution. Now you're going to get executed. Oh, shit uh i want to

be jerked off to death by a woman by a woman by a woman because it would be your least favorite small hands and long nails so just to prove it so you're kind of a masochist that you want to well if you gotta go you might as well go. Jerk off to death. Yeah, man. Fuck it. I probably had a better answer if I didn't go first, but that's what I'm sticking with. I like it. I want to be jerked off to death until my head pops off. Beautiful.

There you go. I want to be stuffed full of all my favorite liqueurs, my beefs, my porks. Where? A couple of veggies, like a duck. Rectumly? Yeah, whatever. I'm about to die. He's a gay man.

I don't know if gay men love to have their asses full of beef, but then again, they probably do. I want to point out right now that Che is uncomfortably checking his phone. Well, because I got a text from a lot of people that are listening to this right now. Molly, how are you getting killed? I want to jump off a really tall building. I want my liver to be eaten for foie gras. That's what it was. And Molly, it's not how you want to die.

It's how you're going to get executed. No, but I'm saying this is what I'm going to tell them to do. They're going to push me off of a very tall building. I'm going to bounce off of it. But before they push me off the tall building, I'm going to take a time release poison thing. That's going to be timed just so that after they push me off the tall building, I'm going to bounce off a big trampoline into a lake, swim, and have a lot of fun for a few minutes. And then the poison will kick in and I'll die before I drown.

Pretty good. I like that a lot. That's very few minutes and then the poison will kick in and I'll die before I drown. Pretty good. I like that a lot. That's very thought-provoking. I used a lot of that. Yeah, that's not bad. You truly believe you're going to be executed, don't you? Jax, what are we doing? Best case scenario.

Mine is fairly Michael Che-esque. I would like to take all of the people that I have set fi against and have them rub me so hard that I set a flame and become a guiding light for them in their days across the desert. Oh, that's beautiful. I feel like you share that same vision as Josh Agabor. My legs work. Hello. There's a lot of Eastern influence

in that one, right? That's kind of like if I was a Buddhist, I probably would have picked that. I want to be rubbed until I'm gone. Shot in the head in front of children. There you go. That's a good way to get gone.

That's very Eastern. You're going to do that to yourself. Alright, so what do we got here? Do you want to total it up? I'm going to total up and see what we have here. And by the way, I would say for the record, guillotine. Yeah, guillotine. That way I could give

a nice good speech, tell everyone that I hated to fuck off. And lastly, I fucked Michael Che. Last minute confession. By the way, Che, you get a one because it's so unrealistic. What, to be jerked off to death? To be jerked off to death by a woman. Oh.

I don't like this show at all. Ben, you get a seven. Thank you. What? No, no, no, Ben, you get a seven because I like saying foie gras. Foie gras.

Yeah. Interesting. Molly, you get a nine? What the fuck is that bullshit? I was going to yell at you for saying, Molly, this isn't how you choose to die.

It's how you would realistically get executed. Meanwhile, we had jerked off to death and stuffed to death. And when I suggested falling off a building, you're like, let's be a little bit more realistic. Because out of everyone in this room,

you are the one that's most likely to be executed. You think so? I don't see it. She wants to travel. Oh, yeah. I pay attention to what's going on in this world. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I see it. I pay attention to what's going on in this world. Yeah, you're most likely to be executed.

Yeah, man. You're like Cointelpro. It's a great thing. That's actually very helpful. I am in the clear. All right, Jackie, you get an 11. Wow. What the fuck?

Wait a minute. Two-point denominators. Yeah. No, no, no. This is very controversial. You get an 11 just No, no, no. This is very controversial. You get an 11 just because I like your style. Thank you very much. You've said that before.

I very much enjoy... Actually, no. You know what? You get a 17. Wow. 17. Marcus just wants to rub you. Well, what the fuck?

We can't get a new judge. You know what? You're making the one seems really low. The one is low. It's low. It's the lowest there is. It's a bad one. Yeah, it's the lowest number before no number.

Actually, no, we can go negative, but you get a one. Eddie, you get a 15 because I like trauma. Thank you. All right. There you go. All right. So does that mean that I win? No, now I'm going to die.

Well, you win this round. Yeah. Who's got one? More rounds? Yeah. We've got to do quick. Who's got one? There's supposed to be lightning. We said lightning. Yeah, yeah. It's got to be lightning. It's got to be lightning? Yeah, who's got one? Yeah, we gotta do quick. Who's got one? There's supposed to be lightning.

We said lightning. Yeah, yeah, it's gotta be lightning. It's gotta be lightning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think lightning strikes drunk. Who's got another segment idea? That's gonna happen. If I were to be a candy, I'd be a Snickers.

Oh, interesting. Because I'm creamy and I'm a little bit nuts. I'd be a gobstopper because I get caught in your throat and I never seem to want to go away. Hey! Yeah! It's a show. I'd be a gummy bear because fat dudes like to jerk off to me on the internet. That's true. I would be a Three Musketeers because I'm dark and I don't know what's inside of me. I would be a Bunch O' Crunch because I feel like they're a very diverse nut and the candy that I like.

Hero. That's better than one. Very diverse candy. I enjoy that. I would be a bunch of crunch because they are nice. I'd be nerds because I'm tiny and bright pink. You are. God damn, yeah.

I got my vagina. It moves again. That is immediately where everyone's mind is. Tiny and pink, come on. No, I'm a pink person. Look at me. I think Marcus just gave you a pink kind of lady? That is immediately where everyone's mind is. Tiny and pink, come on. No, I'm a pink person. Look at me. I think Marcus just gave you a thousand. Did you give her a thousand?

No, I didn't give her a thousand. I think you broke it. I gave her 101. And Che, you get a 98. That's what I'm talking about. Ben, you get a five. Bunch of crunch. Because they're talking about. Ben, you get a 5. Bunch of crunch. Because they're so diverse. Jackie, you get

99. Wow. Ed, you get 83. I don't have to win it anymore. Holden, you get 66. Yay, okay. That's good. One more number of the devil. So let's just give you 66 plus

6. Thank you. Does anyone know what that is? 72. Yes. All right, fuckers. I'm finished with the scoring. You're welcome, Marcus. I took that abuse for you, man.

I took it for the team. Appreciate it. I love it, Che. And you know what, Che? I have to say, you tied for second place. Not bad. With Ed. Second place.

185. And somehow, we have a tie for first. What? That'd be ridiculous. That'd be the tie for third place. I just choose ties? I know.

I have no idea how this happened. But our tie for first is between Molly and Jackie. Yeah! Yeah! So that means it is time for a final. Oh, my God.

Do you have one? Do you have one? All right. Actually, I got a question. I got a question that's very good off of Ben's note. Who here would you most like to watch piss? Oh, that's a great one. And by the way, I am not scoring this.

We must do this by hand. No, that's great. Ben Kissel. I think that Ben Kissel drinks enough that he would pee the longest a la Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own. That's funny. That's a good answer. I could pee Madonna and I could watch my wrist the way she does and count how long he pisses

for because he doesn't drink water. He only drinks beer. Good point. It's a great point. I love it. I guess I would say Holden because I feel like he's gonna have a real

extended monologue that's real. He pisses like a BB gun. It just shoots out small little individual pisses. He's gonna be talking to himself and really making a lot of jokes the whole time. It's going to be a real event.

He pisses like frozen ice cream. You know that fucking thing? I think he's just going to be the most entertaining. Like dibs? Yeah, like dibs. I know who I'm voting for. Who's voting for Molly? Three. Who's voting for Molly? Three.

Who's voting for Jackie? Wirtz, you're in on this. Another tie! Another tie! Another tie! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Alright, one more.

Okay, so what's the next question? Jackie or Molly, who would you rather have their nose replace your nose? If you had to switch noses with somebody, whose nose are you taking? That's a good question. Absolutely it is. Good question. I don't know how you have to turn to look at my nose. Well, I don't know.

Oh, is it nose in room? Is it in room nose? In room nose. Let's just do nose in room look at my nose. Well, I don't know. Oh, is it nose in room? Is it in room nose? In room nose. Let's just do nose in room. In room nose. Ed Larson, so I can finally be Jewish. Oh, good. Good answer.

There you go. Am I allowed to say Jackie Zabrowski? Yeah. That's what I'm going to say because it's a lady nose. Well, you could have said yourself. No, she could have said herself. I know. Obviously, she doesn't want to say herself.

No, you can't. Come on. Jesus. She has a great nose. Let's give it to Molly. Can Molly just win? Molly just wins. Molly wins.

Why? Because she has your nose, Jackie. Because you're beautiful and you have a beautiful nose. Molly. Molly. Molly. Michael Che is gay. Michael Che is gay.

Michael Che is gay. Round table, gentlemen. No, I'm staying. All right. Jackie Zabrowski and Larson holding me kneely. Thank table, gentlemen. No, I'm straight. All right. Jackie Zabrowski and Larson holding me kneely. Thank you so much, Michael, for being so honest and open about your sexuality. No, I'm not. I'm a straight man.

Thank you, Molly. You're beautiful. I'm not straight for women. And they're all beautiful and tall. And they're not as short. All my women are beautiful and short. Put a cock in it, Che. Put a cock in it.

The show's done, dude. Pop it in. Ben, I. Put a cock in it. The show's done, dude. Pop it in. Ben, I hate you. E-yuck. E-yuck. E-yuck. Click, clack, click, clack. Let's end it.

I'm so late for a fucking show. You guys. It's your fault.