The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 85: Radio Flyer

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this week's Round Table, a man is caught masturbating outside of a women's prison, white supremacists and black people are working together for the sake of meth, and the Round Table's greatest fears are revealed.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. This is a great time to have gone. gentlemen. Always civility. Dear Lord, thank you for guns. Mainly fake guns. Well, fake guns

and real guns for you. Protect us from the people above and the people below. Both the angels and the devils. Demons? The demons who actually gave us the guns. That was their mistake. But we can always live and love.

Good. And be one with the demons with the guns. Very nice. Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Who is Everett? Oh, nice. Very nice. Thank you.

Good prayer. Alright, with us as always, the very Mick Foley looking... who? Jackie Zabrowski. Every woman's more cute with a gun. That's true. Ed Larson, round table of gentlemen, now brought to you by

Bud Light Platinum. Yeah! Holder McNeely, precious, precious, precious, precious mommy. Kevin Barnett, what Ed said was not true. Nobody sponsors us. No one likes us. I'm Ben Kissel. With us in the Chuckle Hut, we got the

very vivacious Joe List. Thanks for being here, buddy. Oh, thanks for having me, everybody. You look good. What'd you have for breakfast? Got a fucking ball of energy. Did he have something to say? Let's do it again. With us is all...

Oh, you had a fruit smoothie. Yeah. You got to talk into the microphone, Joe. I had a fruit smoothie. All right. Let's start over. So, the very Mick Foley looking. Who is that?

What? No, no, no. All right, everybody. On my account, I thought fruit smoothie was pretty good. I like it. I'm interested, man. What were the details of this? What fruit was in the smoothie?

I'm addicted to fruit smoothies. You got a banana in there? I got banana. Oh, potassium. I call them dicks, though, when I'm making it. Come on, yellow dicks. Because they look like dicks, man. I get it.

I get it now. Yellow, sticky. They stink. they look like dicks, man. I get it. I get it now. Yellow, sticky. They stink. Some berries, raspberries, milk, almond butter. Oh, shit. You fashion. And just mix it up in the blender. No creatine?

No creatine. Protein. Oh, okay. Start putting gunpowder in it. That's what I'm talking about. Fucking gunpowder. Put a little gunpowder in there. Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like my kind of enema. All right. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. What do you got for us, buddy? Terry Glendoxy, a Michigan man, 47, is facing an indecency rap

after he was spotted earlier today masturbating inside a Cadillac parked across from the jail where his incarcerated girlfriend and the other female inmates watched the solo show. Come on, he was just playing out a Johnny Cash song. He should have got paid.

They should have gave him money. Jacking off in the Cadillac has got to be the classiest thing a human being could ever do. That's awesome. Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about it. That's the deal. Jacking off in a Cadillac, baby, you're incarcerated. Gotta break out the jail like a child. I think it's awesome.

I think it's really romantic. Yeah, that's a beautiful thing. Yeah, no, he loved her. Yeah. He saw her and he's like, oh, Jesus, I got to fucking beat off right now. That's the thing. He was the high school football star and his old lady got raped. They pinned it on her for some reason.

Happens all the time. It's a tale of love, man, because he can literally jerk off to anything. There's the whole internet. There's the whole internet. There's the whole internet. Yeah, that's amazing. He was getting arrested for being in love too much. He beat off to a wall and bars. That's essentially what he jerked off to. That's the only thing.

How do they know they saw? There's like slats for light in prison. We have an answer to that question. It was 5.20 a.m. when he was doing this. He was wearing only a blue jumpsuit. He was pleasuring himself while illuminated by one of the vehicle's interior lights. He did this, police allege,

so that his girlfriend and other women could better see the autoerotic activity. See, she was locked up in county. And in county, they have actual windows outside. This wasn't a penitentiary. Yeah, yeah, no. What a showman. No, in county you can actually... I remember when I was in county

one time in Bluntsdown, there was a guy that was in there with some murderer, and his cousin walked by. He's like, hey, Ray! Get me the fuck out of here, man! Screaming at him. That's hilarious. Did you find out much about the murder rap

from the guy Oh no no He killed somebody How did you know that He told me He was just like I killed him Oh I found out What they were all in for

There was only five people In the whole jail The town was that small Oh wow Yeah and they were like The only thing you could do In this They were like

Oh you all here Some weed huh And I was like Yeah yeah yeah That's the only thing You can't do in this town So you can murder someone You won't get caught

But he was in jail for murder. Well, that was different. I think he did it in the middle of the street. No, I see. Now that's how you murder a man. Right in the middle of the street. I will say this guy in the car jacking off to his beautiful gal lends new meaning to the term autoerotic asphyxiation.

Am I right? Erotic asphyxiation. They don't give me anything. Autoerotic asphyxiation. They don't give me anything. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. You know, they're mean. But where does the asphyxiation come from? Everyone shoot Ben! What the fuck, man?

No, it was just a bad joke, and he beat it, and he beat it, and he beat it! By the way, we all have guns tonight. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Except for Kissel. Kissel only has drumsticks. I know, and I put them down. I have a set of keys. Yeah.

Good use of sound. Thanks. What car would you want? We call it Foley in the business. Oh, interesting. Give me two coconuts. You'll fucking hear a horse run for days. Yeah, motherfucker.

Jackie, if a dude's jacking off to you, what kind of car do you want him in? Ooh, probably a wagon. Like a station wagon. Yeah. Or like an Ooh, probably a wagon. Like a station wagon. Or like an old-timey wagon. Or like a radio flyer. Oh, like a radio flyer. You want him to be a baby. Yeah, I mean, or a tiny man.

With nothing but leather boots on. You know, just a clown nose. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I want him to be being pulled by his mother. Molden. Fun times. Oh, man, do you see that butt moving while you're just, like, going to town in the. Oh, man. Do you see that butt moving while you're just like

going to town in the back? Oh, yeah. See that butt moving. That's so good. You imagine, though, it would be pretty hot to watch a full-grown man sitting in a radio flyer

with just boots on. God, normal. Because his legs would drop over the side. You gotta imagine he's got a rusty bottom. Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta lick that clean. Definitely. No rusty bottom over there. Yeah. You gotta lick that clean. Definitely. No rusty bottom over there. He's getting crazy in that fucking wagon. Jerking off, coming all over your mom's butt, getting pulled in a wagon. All right, we're gonna edit that out. That's another Springsteen song. Yeah, that's true.

Running down, baby, with my mom in the wagon. It's a radio flyer, and then I came all over the pants. That's hot. That is very erotic. All Springsteen songs sound the same, by the way. That could also be a typo negative song. Yeah, very true. Very true.

I used to get a boner to that Rob Zombie CD all the time with the chick moaning. Yeah, it was white up there. I used to sit there and rewind it over and over and whack off to it. That was Sherry Moon faking an orgasm rightaning. Yeah, it was white up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to sit there and rewind it over and over and whack off to it. That was Sherry Moon faking an orgasm right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the one on the cover.

Yeah, what's that? That makes it better. Super sexy. No, no, that was Astro Creep 2000. Super sexy swinging sounds was the remix album. Why would you do that? Because it was hot.

Like a chick faking an orgasm. Yeah, but you watch porn. Not when we were growing up. Yeah, not back in the day. We had penthouse forums. Yeah, we were like 12, 13. We had penthouse forums. Yeah, we were like 12, 13. Rocket Queen had the same thing. Guns N' Roses' Rocket Queen.

The moaning and the... Supposedly it was Axl getting blown in the studio. So Slash wasn't not only playing the bass, he was also blowing Axl. Slash was the guitarist. Duff McKagan was the bassist. Whatever. They're all dead. No, they're not. They're all alive? Yeah, they're not. They're not?

They're all alive? Yeah, they just performed at Webster Hall. Yeah. They got an auto-erotic asphyxiation. Back to the masturbation story. We got a mugshot from this guy. Eddie, tell me, doesn't this guy look like a sweetheart? He does.

He looks like a gentleman. He is nice. He looks like fucking Solomon Burke. What was he wearing, a tuxedo? Check it out, guys. Look at him. What a nice dude. He's a totally normal guy.

I was picturing him white the whole time. Did I say it right? You said it right. That's good. You nailed it. Yeah, we had a bit of a snafu. Sna-fong. I mean, you have to have a very large penis, though, to jack off, to be seen from across

the street. Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking great, man. That's a bit of a... I want to hug that dude for making stereotypes, man. What are those lips? Those lips. What he those lips? Those lips.

What he could fucking do with them. Absolutely. He would just wrap around the clit. They're full. He wouldn't even have to gyrate his tongue. Who needs a clit? And he doesn't even look remorseful in the picture. Why should he be?

What did they prosecute him with? Indecent exposure. Felony. Felony? Felony. Oh, goddammit! Whoa, so this man's gonna go to prison For no fucking reason

Jacking off in his own Cadillac Who will police the police No shit I mean not to mention it's like that poor bastard When he gets into prison murder rape Oh I jacked off in a Cadillac to please my You know fiance who was behind bars at the time That crime should just be a slap on the wrist

I agree I agree Joe List and I are doing amazing Fuck these assholes with the gun fiance who was behind bars at the time. That crime should just be a slap on the wrist. I agree. I agree. Joe List and I are doing amazing. Fuck these assholes with the gun. You jerk off with your wrist, right? Absolutely. I use my forearm. The pressure on this show is brutal. It's terrible. It's one of the worst shows a person could ever perform on. Great to listen to, though.

Just be ready for 16 more Springsteen callbacks from me. Alright, 15 more. 15 more. By the way, also, a Cadillac, very big car. If you need that big, you're going to be confident in your penis. I would use a smart car. That guy has a huge tongue.

Yeah. I mean, he must. Oh, look at that. And this is not the only night that his Cadillac has been spotted outside of the jail. So he's just been hanging out there. Oh, see, they were like, you gotta stop. You gotta stop. Or do it less, not more. Yeah.

I mean, his girlfriend is serving a sentence for retail theft. Oh. I bet she was stealing for him, too. Probably. I bet she got him a shirt or something. These are good people, man. These are fine people. She's not even getting out until September 2012.

Fucking retail theft? She's stealing a pair of socks? Let's put on a benefit show here at the creek. That's a good idea. We can raise tons and tons of money, for sure. You know who we might be able to get? Bruce Springsteen? You gotta do it.

Well, we only got it for a couple of seconds. We didn't have enough money. But that's okay. Do you think these gals were enjoying the show? Or, I mean, I feel like when women

go to prison... They were having a blast. That's how he got caught. Oh, you think they sold him out and he was doing too good? Grab that dick, baby! You know, just all right. Oh, yeah, I like that.

I would have watched it. Of course. What else are you doing? You're in prison. So did he end up ejaculating? Did they mention that at all? I hope he got the finish. That's the thing. I actually think that's hilarious. You don't know how journalism works. You don't ask if he comes?

It'd be so funny, though, if at the end of the article he was arrested and was going to go away on a felony charge. He came. He came, yeah. I mean, how bad would that be to be arrested by cops thrown into a prison with blue balls? That's awful.

I mean, at the very least it'll make it, when you have to suck the dude off, it'll make it a lot easier because you're actually horny, I suppose. So perhaps you might

get hard and jack off then. Here's another miscarriage of justice. His bail, 10 grand. What the fuck? Yeah. For jacking off

in a Cadillac? Well, no, you only got to pay 10% of that, so it's one grand. What the fuck? Yeah. For jacking off in a Cadillac? Well, no, you only got to pay 10% of that, so it's one grand, but that's still ridiculous. I think we break him out. I would love to break him out. Let's get him out of prison. I'm learning a lot about Ed Larson tonight. Yeah, he knows everything when it comes to illegal. Yeah, we're going to Muskegon County in Michigan.

Oh, this all took place in Michigan. Yeah. Car capital of the world. Makes sense. Yeah. Cadillacs. Cadillacs. This is in Michigan. Car capital of the world. Makes sense. Cadillacs. Thank you, Obama. Thank you for the fucking bailout. Without the bailout, he might not have had that car. That's beautiful.

Good for him. I like it. It's a long shot. It's a long shot, but whatever. You have a gun. This whole fucking life is a long shot. My life? Yeah, it's so big. How do I get a real gun?

It's hard to get one in New York, but it's really easy to get one in Florida. You got to go find that dude who has a Cadillac. I know a guy. I used to own a Cadillac. My second car was a Cadillac. Did you ever beat off in it? Yes. You did?

Of course. Whoa, of course. Why did you jack off? Well, I didn't have a house at the time. I was staying at my parents' and moved away. I was just living out of my car for a little while. Of course I beat off at it. I used to beat off on real long car trips because I was bored.

Oh, yeah. Did you ever do it with friends in the car? A buddy of mine who was in a band would jack off with friends in the car. I don't do anything. I never beat off with friends anywhere near me. Hold on, Ben. He was in a band. I was never there, but the band, it was called Stereotype Writer. They were very good, Arizona people.

And one of the members would just constantly jack off whenever he felt the need. Just jack off. Like out in the open? Yeah, you know, just put a cup over it, whatever he had to do, and just jacked off. And everyone's just like, you know, Tom's jacking off. This is the thing he did. Like a red solo cup? I don't know. Yeah, whatever. Hardees? Maybe

a Carl's Jr., depending on the region they were in? I had a friend that used to jack off in class. Oh, how? He would sit with the textbook over his lap underneath the desk, and he would jack off. But the thing is that he would moan, and he kept getting

fucking suspended. It's like, don't moan. Just don't moan. Jail. He's sitting outside of a woman's prison Jacking off in a Cadillac Although I was pulled over while I was masturbating While I was driving But I think he let me go

Because he knew I was masturbating The car stunk Stunk like salmon He let me go because he could see my pussy I let him give it a little touch And then he went on his way. That's nice. You're like, hey, Abza, you want to take me in?

You showed it, and he was like, you're free to leave. And go fast. First time ever. Just speed. Speed away. No, it was in the middle of the night. I was driving from Tampa to Tallahassee, which is just one road. Completely, there's no lights.

And so the only problem is deer. So he pulled me over. He's like, you know, you're going real fast, right? And he stared at my crotch, and he said, best watch out for deer, and then walked away. That's terrifying. I was terrified. It sounds scary. I was just like, oh, okay, just give me a ticket. Did you finish?

Afterwards, yeah. Before I left. It sounds like the beginning of a Goosebumps book. No, that's what I meant. NC-17 version. I just was ready for him. Well, I had a... My dad gave me a crowbar that I kept right next to the seat of my car.

Well, to masturbate with and also to hit if someone tries to rape me in my car. Now, Remy, this is strictly for masturbating. Don't hit nobody. You're a strong girl. I'm a tire. I like that it hit nobody. You're a strong girl. I like that it's like he gave you a crowbar. It just makes me think your dad imagined you as some beast woman. Have you seen what she's wearing today?

It's sad. Jackie has a cut-off flannel on today. Man, it's the new summer fashion. This is the year. It's still winter, though. Yeah, it's fine. I'm ready for it. Did you go faster or slower The closer you were to coming

Faster that was the problem I was going really really fast Multitasking How about yourself did you ever jack off while driving Yes And how do you pull that off Have you done it Long trips man middle of the night

You do it to stay awake Cruise control I don't think I ever came You done it? Yeah, quite a bit. Long trips, man. Middle of the night. You do it to stay awake. Cruise control. The clean-up, though. You still have to touch the wheel. Where do you come from? Actually, I don't think I ever came. I just jerked off. But Joe, now you have come.

The toughest part is getting the pants back on. You have the Dunkin' Donuts napkins in the center console. Sure. Yeah. And then you just wriggle down a little bit and go. You've got to watch out for trucks, though. America jacks off on Dunkin'. Yeah, they can see it.

So you've got to throw your t-shirt over it when trucks are coming by. Well, I'm going to put on a nice show for them. The trucker would really enjoy to see you jack off. That's possible. Now he's going to call the police or something. No, they're not going to call the police. They're all messed up with the hostage in the back. That's a good point.

I didn't consider that. Holden, you ever jack off in a car? Oh, absolutely not. No, right? I've done it on like nine-minute car rides. Really? And you always finish Oh yeah You gotta finish

That's the thing Why would you do it if you don't finish? I got nervous because of the trucks Really? So the truckers Well thank you truck drivers They own the road man I never actually came either Because it hit me

like, where am I going to put it? Whenever I come, where am I going to put it? There's napkins and trash everywhere. You're in your car. It just doesn't seem worth it. I mean, that's the thing. Can't you not jerk off? I mean, you're driving. Seven hours by yourself.

You've got a rock hard dick. I've gone seven hours without jerking off before. That's because you never jerk off. You're got a rock hard dick. I've gone seven hours without jerking off before. That's because you never jerk off. You're like a piece of plaster. Plaster doesn't jack off. You've got to understand what it is to live, Kevin. I live, man. I watch National Geographic,

Discovery Channel, I've got the Wildlife Festival. I'm talking about coming in the streets. So, I mean, what do you think about it? It's like, how do you jack off to in life? I jack off to animals. I'm talking about coming in the streets. Yeah! So, I mean, what do you think about it? Unnecessary, man. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, how do you maintain a focus of a fantasy when you're constantly getting passed by elderly people in Plymouth?

I'll tell you what I hated was going, like, if I was on a car ride with my mother for a long trip, and she, I would fall asleep and dream of her, and wake up up and I'd just have rock hard cock. Then what would you do? You know. What do you do at that point? You don't tell your mother. You don't show it to her. What did she do with it?

Oh, yeah. That's the thing. She'd look and compliment as a mother does. She made it. She'd be like, good boy. Has your mother ever noticed any of you that you were hard? That she ever said anything about you being hard? Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

All right, I apologize, folks. We had some technical difficulties. We're back. Jesus Christ. All right, so Jackie, you mentioned, you were asking. Oh, I was asking, have any of your mothers ever noticed that you were hard and never said anything about it? Well, I'm sure. There's no concrete proof in this situation, but absolutely.

I mean, the amount of times I've been hard around my mother is like how many fucking nickels has it gotten to a while? I just feel like if I ever became a mother and I noticed my son was hard, I would probably make a joke about it. Don't talk about it. Don't talk about it. You're going to end up holding. Your kid's going to be feeling that fucking slimy bastard. Mom used to't talk about it. Don't talk about it. You're gonna end up like holding. Your kid's gonna be feeling that fucking slimy bastard. Mommy used to always talk about my boners.

You ease them in. You go you just be like, Mommy, what do you think about the tip? And you just have the chip out. God damn it. What's wrong? I feel like, Kevin, has your claw dad ever seen your boner? She would probably just scold you so hard. I think though, though, when I first

started having boners, I was just like, I felt like nobody had had that shit ever, and I was just showing people. Oh, really? I feel like a lot of people do that. What were you, like, 17, 18 years old in class? In sixth grade, I would get a boner up and walk around.

I actually walked up to my teacher one time with a boner, and she was sitting at the desk and I stood next to her. I thought people would be like, that guy's got a big dick. I never let go of it for me, so I thought I could be the big dick guy. You want to be the big dick guy. Although, you know,

they're a persecuted minority. Apparently a lot of gals don't enjoy a large penis, which is real sad. We've talked about it. I don't like it. Goddamn. Poor big dick dudes. Like a somber feeling. It got sad.

It got sad. I just feel bad for these big dick dong guys. Yeah. It's terrifying. Because when you're in your teens, you're just like, fuck, yeah. And then you realize that you can't fuck. Women like it. Small dick guys, they know they're in trouble.

It's a disease. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah, they should just be shot. That's why my argument makes complete and utter sense. Where did the full baby come out of, much less a penis?

What are you talking about? I don't know what's going on here. There's room there. There is more room in a mother's vagina than a male's urethra, that's true. The baby thing only happens once, maybe seven times. Seven or eight times until you get a retard and you stop.

And then you stop. You shouldn't stop. Always stop after the retard. That's it. Retard's always the youngest kid. That's right. I'm the youngest of three. I was talking about this the other day.

I was talking about knowing people that were in Vietnam. And my uncle was affected by Agent Orange. So he had a child before he left Nam. And then after that, he had five... Oompa Loompas. No, severely retarded children. They wanted to work in a chocolate factory. But wouldn't you stop after one, maybe two?

Stop. Stop having kids. They're all going to be retarded. I feel like that's a lawsuit right there. Oh, they get money. Protected and saved our country against... Get that paper. The only time you fail is the last time you try. That's a good point.

Yeah, but twins run in my family. So there was two sets of retarded twins that came out of the team. What? Two sets of retarded twins. You'd think if they could just be one normal kid. Yeah, put them together. Put them all together. You almost have a retarded basketball team.

They're all very tall. Oh, wow. You almost have a retarded basketball team. They're all very tall. Oh, wow. But you almost seem angry that these kids even exist. I think she is. I've been talking about this. I was talking about this today. That's the only reason why I was thinking about it. Stop having kids. Just stop. Have a period. Shoot kids.

Don't shoot kids. Kids are adorable kids, though. Use a fucking condom. Cover it up. It's one of the great pleasures It's one of the great pleasures of my life To know that you and Henry's family reunions Jackie are just like a bunch of retarded people We don't go to them

We're not invited to them You gotta go Easy laughs No it's cause you keep making fun of the retarded kids Yeah that's probably not gonna work Because now they're all having kids And they all have retarded kids now And they're all twins because twins run in their family. So the retarded kids are having retarded kids?

Yeah. Wait a second, whenever you say retarded, what do you mean by retarded? Like, do you mean like... Like stand up and clap in the middle of a conversation, be like, hi! And then like when they try to hug you and they hurt you. You're just doing great, they love you. That's the best definition of retardation I've ever heard. Yeah, how do they find someone to fuck them that would also have kids?

They're also retarded. So retards are allowed to have children? Of course. How can you stop them? There are thousands of them. You can't ban retards from having kids. Yeah, Ben, you had the cousin or whatever with the relationship on Facebook. Oh, yeah, my foster brother.

I mean, you know, he's not retarded. He's great. Love flourishes when the mind is a little dimmer. He's not retarded. He's great. Yeah, he's fantastic. Don't give me time to think about shit. I'll fucking love you. Exactly. You know, until my caretaker rips her away

from me. Whatever. Anyway, I think there's another story. I'm sorry. Here's what we got. In another instance of harmony in post-racial America A white Aryan Nations member Joined forces with a black gang member To distribute methamphetamine in Missouri That's beautiful

That's not news How's that not news? Oh, a black guy and a white guy Who hate each other are selling meth together In Missouri? I think that's news That sounds like in Missouri? I think that's news. That sounds like news to me. I think that's beautiful.

Drugs bringing people together. Their original purpose in life. Missouri loves company. Indeed. Autoerotica. Joe List! Joe List! Joe List!

Joe List! All right. I'm done for the day. The partnership between white supremacist Richard Trace, 38, and Robert Biz Sweeney, 22. Oh man, that name is too black. Motherfucker, call me the Biz!

Robert, his name was Biz, was torn asunder by an undercover drug enforcement administration probe that resulted in this month's indictment of Trace, Sweeney, and five co-defendants on a variety of drug distribution and conspiracy charges. Fuck yeah. Apparently love doesn't conquer a meth rap.

Which just makes me think of Sons of Anarchy. Has anyone watched Sons of Anarchy? I haven't seen it. Eddie loves it, though. I've been watching it, yes. It's my favorite thing in the world. They have a lot of that, where they join forces with other people, and I think it's beautiful. It's nice.

Yeah, and Sons of Anarchy, they also have a guy with a constant uh masturbating problem who really off all the time and uh he they said they sold them to the chinese people and they cut off eight of his fingers so he can't jerk off anymore oh he'll find a way but why did they sell him and why why were they buying where you just grew a great at math better than the chinese apparently how can you do master with only two fingers yeah but you could definitely still jack off with two fingers, right? Just rub two fingers. Because you can use the calculator with two fingers. Yeah, you just pick up your flashlight with the two fingers and go to town.

Now, do you rub with one finger? Have you ever tried to rub with one finger? Well, I mean, it's not... I mean, you could try your hardest. Yeah, you gotta get a pretty good grip on a cock these days. Yeah, that's a thing. I think you could jerk off similar to, like, a lady. Just, like, the top of your dick.

You could rub it like a... Yeah, but's a thing. You could jerk off similar to like a lady, just like the top of your dick. You could rub it like a... Yeah, but then the sensitivity goes down. I was always so jealous of my buddy who had the foreskin left. He said he would come in a heartbeat

and he was so sensitive and it was like soft. That's not good for a woman, though. Who cares? What? It's all about when you're driving down I-95,

you gotta get to the next comedy show. No, but when you're driving and you got the foreskin, you peel it back, you can come immediately. You don't have to worry about getting arrested outside of a female prison. That's why the Italians are so comfortable.

Think about that. Yeah, it's the Italians. Did I say Italians? No, no, no. You said it incorrectly. It's Italians. Italians. Jacking off beautifully.

They're a strong bunch. Yeah, how the meth deal went down was Swinney, the black dude He purchased the pseudo-ephedrine From the coal decongestants He sold it to Trace Who cooked it down to the meth So black guy got the ingredients

White dude, white supremacist cooked it Wow Business America It's a fucking melting pot, this country. I love it. Everyone's working with everybody. I love this place.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to racism ever. I agree. That's the thing, man. I've always felt like that, man. If there's a racist dude, for example, in this situation, it's a beautiful story, right? It is. This guy is racist as fuck, white supremacist, hates black people, but he cooks some bomb-ass meth. Right.

Gonna use his services. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, absolutely. See, the black guy also hates the fuck out of white people. Absolutely. But it's like, goddammit, these two. Alright, let's see a picture of these guys. Can everyone just need to look at this? Alright, alright, so let's

I just don't even know how to describe this story. Oh, my God. These two. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. The white guy. Yeah. The thing came on.

Well, we saw it again. All right. All right. We already saw it. Everyone saw it. It's fine. Yeah. Everyone saw it.

All right. We're back. We're back. Holy Christ. These guys are beautiful, man. Yeah. But for those out there who don't know, the white guy has one eye. One of his eyes is completely white.

Oh, my God. Yeah, he's got one eye. He's got one fucking eye. He literally can't see color. That's nice. I mean, that's the thing. When you're born a villain, when you're like a villain. Right.

Play it out. Don't go fucking get into, like, health care or some shit. Be a fucking dirty piece of shit. He has a serial killer stare, that guy, man. That it out. Don't go fucking get into, like, healthcare or some shit. Be a fucking dirty piece of shit. He has a serial killer stare, that guy, man. That is terrifying. That is a scary man. Yeah, and he's 6'3". Wow.

The white fellow. This black guy, he looks like the sympathetic black guy who, like, in American History X, you know, like, the black guy in jail is like, hey, white guy, you okay? Oh, yeah, who was that? What's that? Guy Torrey. Guy Torrey. Yeah, I think that's who it was.

They look like Guy Torrey, though. No, he doesn't look like Guy Torrey. I'm just saying he looks like that dude. Yeah, he looks like that guy. He looks like the guy who's like, oh, don't worry about it.

You know, we can deal with it. We can figure it out. I don't really understand the type of dude that rapes. Guys that don't wear a patch. You gotta respect that, right? Are we on, Marcus? Yeah, we're on. We're on. Isn't really understand. I don't understand the type of dude that rapes. Guys that don't wear a patch. You've got to respect that. Are we on, Marcus? Yeah, we're on.

We're on. Isn't it weird, though? Because all the black dude did was get ephedrine, which you can buy at a supermarket. I feel like this white fellow really just wanted to have a black friend, and he found a reason to have one. Why didn't he just go to the store himself? He probably was scared of supermarkets. You think so? Is that a phobia?

Pseudo-ephedrine is very hard to get a hold of. No, it's not. What happened is, the guy that got the pseudo-ephedrine, he was in St. Louis. Oh, murder capital of the world. Yeah, and Reese was outside. He was of course in the outskirts

of it. So you had to have some guy on the inside, one guy on the outside. But don't they have ephedrine at all truck stops? And like all Dwayne Reeves and stuff? Oh, they changed that, huh? Yeah, it's very hard to get a hold of. They're just on Street Kings and 5-Hour Energy now. The best speed you can get is a GNC, man.

You just get those like testosterone pills and shit. Really? Oh yeah, that shit will get you crazier than anything else. But can women take those? Yeah, I mean, you'll get a big dick out of your clit. So take it. You can jack off outside of a women's prison. It'll be perfect.

How would you be able to walk if a woman is going through if she's taking steroids and dick clit syndrome like China. Because it's so sensitive. You walk strong. Confident. I don't understand.

Eventually it gets Eventually it just becomes desensitized. Just like my penis. It gets all covered in loose hair and pieces of trash. It gets covered over by that stuff and then you can't rub up against anything. I love covering my glit and trash. I'll tell you what. We know, Jackie. You don't have to keep telling us.

It would be nice, though, if women had a little bit more testosterone and we were just more comfortable with it because then the clit would be so much easier to find. Oh, my God! Yeah, boo-boo, bang, bang! Adding gunshots right there, Marcus. Bang, bang, bang!

You got it, Eddie. Little known fact about Jackie, her clit looks like the trash monster from Fraggle Rock. Oh, yeah. He's got a little mouth and little beady black eyes. Jesus Christ. Sounds like something I want to lick. Feed me, feed me.

List, you ever gotten with a chick with an overgrown clit? I don't think so. No, I haven't either. Has anyone seen one? I've seen long-ass nipples before. Long nipples are funny. Long nipples are weird. I do not like that.

A little bit more technical difficulties. Jackie, we'll come back in a sec. Monkey tits. Monkey tits was the last one. Didn't you say something about monkey? No, we were talking about droopy nipples. Yeah, big droopy banana nipples. Monkey tits.

Alright, I guess the name is called monkey tits. I hate it. I mean, that's the thing. You get wrapped up in those things. You can't get out. First nipple I ever saw was a big droopy nipple. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like eight years old. It was my friend's mom came out in her bathrobe when I was waiting for them to drive me to school And yeah And she had the big droopy nipples And I saw it and I still remember those nipples to this day So when you first saw a nice normal pair Of titas Thank god

Because you were terrified of breasts up to that point Yeah they were freaky weird They're so weird What is it in a chick that gets a... We've got to wait for Jackie to get back. Yeah, what...

I don't think Jackie even knows about droopy nipples. I think it's something a girl who has droopy nipples you either lop them off... Can you do that? That would hurt so bad! Of course you could do it.

What hurts more? Female circumcision? I want Jackie back for this. Or lopping off the long titty. I don't know. I would say female circumcision. I don't... They're so sensitive, the nipple. Female circumcision

is going to be worse. Jackie. Jackie. Shannara. Shannara. We have a woman at the very least. We have a question to ask you. You know how gals have really long, weird three to four inch nipples? Yes. Okay, so do you get those cut

off? And if you do, what hurts more? That or female circumcision? Definitely the nipples. Nipples are very sensitive. See, yeah. Go with nipples. I mean, I would go off of that's the most painful place to get pierced. If you're going to get a piercing, more so than the clit.

My sister's nipples are pierced. Both of them. She says it is the most pleasurable thing that she's ever experienced. After the actual piercing? Like when you bite their nipples? Can we get your sister in here? No, she lives in Washington State. I'll go to her.

We can jerk off on the ride. Oh, fantastic. Oh, loveless. And they love us. Oh, man. Shannara, do you have any friends? have you known anybody who has the long nipple? I don't. I mean, no, not really.

How'd you hear about long nipples? Well, my mother has long nipples. Whoa, she does? You just said you didn't know anybody. But, I mean, that's my mom. That's not like a real person. Whoa! What is it like with age?

It's age and breastfeeding. Oh, the breastfeeding. It makes sense because it was an old lady that I saw the long nipples. We did it. We did it to these poor women. Be careful your nipples, ladies. Don't breastfeed. Keep them stubby.

Keep them beautiful. I've never been with a girl with a... I don't know what you guys are talking about, the long nipples Yeah I've never Been with a girl I don't know what You guys are talking about Long nipples I've never been with one I just saw It was the first nipples It

It Betted in my memory Yeah been with a girl With a beak I've been with a bear But I've never been With a girl with long nipples Here's the other thing though

That also comes From nipple clamps Like some people Really like that Really Jesus Christ I don't like that I feel like willies

Strong wind is very bad for my nipples But some people really like it Well I am fully engorged I'm about to start jacking off Just get me a car There's a guy who jacked off outside of a prison in a car Great big breast Shannara I would love to suck on him one day

But we gotta keep this show going Thank you so much Shannara Thank you Shannara I love you Especially for putting up with that weird comment What did she get? Great breasts? I would love to suck on them one day, but we've got to keep this show going. Thank you so much, Shannara. Thank you, Shannara. I love you. Especially for putting up with that weird comment. What, did she get great breasts? A chick with great breasts hears that all the time.

Jackie, your take on it. I ain't never seen nipples like that before. See, that's what our hypothesis was. But I imagine, though, do you think that a breast pump, rather than a child gnawing on your nipples, do you think that would be better? Oh, I don't know. The breast pump would be better. I think, I mean, I'm going to fucking pump it anyway.

Ain't no way that my children are going to be gnawing on my goddamn nipples like my husband should be. I mean, you know, we can make milk, us men. I think I'm just going to try to make milk of my own. Men can make milk? Yeah, they can. Some can. Oh, yeah. Are you serious? Male lactation.

If you suck on it. How does that happen? I don't know. I love this child. Do I need to drain my tits? You can. Oh, yeah. Are you serious? Male lactation. If you suck on it. How does that happen? I don't know. I love this child. Do I need to drain my tits? You can. Maybe you're actually really thin. You're just full of milk.

Oh, Ed, can I milk you? Absolutely. All right. That's nice. I'd drink it. All right. And now we have a segment from... Ed's milk would just be straight grease.

I mean, that's the thing. Dip some fries in it. It's so gross. Alright, no one needs to hear any more about Ed's tits. My milk. His milk. Your milk. Alright, Holden, segment. Alright, it's called

Fears and Desire. Oh wait, are we waiting for the next one for Desire? It's a two-part segment. This round is fears. Everyone has written down their greatest fear. I'm going to go around and read a fear

and the person has to guess who wrote the fear. Who wrote the fear? We'll start with Ed. This sounds like a great game. We'll start with Ed. The fear is to be hunted. To be hunted.

Someone in this room is very afraid of being hunted. Ed, you can attempt to ask people questions or anything like that. Maybe try to get them to show their fear. You can grill, interrogate, do what you will. Everyone in the room is... Every single person in the room, do what you will. And everyone in the room is as answer questions? Every single person in the room, including Marcus and myself. Okay. I'm scared of being hunted.

I'm going to go Joe List. Just right off the bat. Right off the bat, Joe List. No questions asked. And that is incorrect. The answer is Jackie. That makes sense. I feel like Joe would make it.

To be clear, I am afraid of being hunted. I'm not into it. I think I'm going to do pretty good, though. I was talking to Marcus about this before, and I was thinking about, because we got this suggestion earlier in the day, so I was thinking about what am I most scared of. Really, number one is definitely water. I'm terrified of water. But...

Jason Voorhees. Are you black? What? Black? I'm like a cat. Black people are scared of water. Jason Voorhees is as well. What? Black? I'm like a cat. Black people are scared of water. No, black people work a lot in pools. They're not scared of water.

Put them in water and they're fine. I discovered the other day the reason why it is actually scientific, the reason why black people are not as good at swimming because of the African, I guess, upbringing. Their bones have... African upbringing? African ancestry. Ancestry is the right word.

Their bones have a higher density than white people. Black people have denser bones, man. Black people sink? Yeah, I don't float well in pools. But we have denser bones and also fast twitch muscle fiber weighs more than... There's three different types of muscle fibers. And type 2 fast twitch weighs more than type 1. So we're always going to have swimming?

Yeah, you didn't know that. We'll always have swimming? Always. That's also why they don't jerk off in cars. That's great to know. A little known fact about myself, I'm like a baby gremlin. If you get water on me, a bunch of little bubbles come out of my back and spawn creatures. Interesting.

Interesting. Horrible. All right, next up. All right, Jackie. Jackie. The fear is... Oh, frogs. Interesting.

The fear is frogs. I know it. I don't even have to ask. It's Marcus. Incorrect. Whoa. Motherfucker. It is. Does it fear frogs? It blows them up. Kevin Barnett. Kevin. Incorrect. Whoa, Marcus. Kevin Barnett.

Terrified. Yeah, man. It's just disgusting. They're all fast. Dude, they're so fast. I agree. Tree frogs, they jump. They pee on you when they jump. I'm totally with you on that. Frogs are number two. But you don't like frogs, though, right?

I fucking hate frogs. I love it up. I love frogs. Frogs are cool as fuck. Kevin, any frog experience you could go back in your past and think about? All types of frog experience. And then frog stories that I've heard from other people that's kept me up at night. Man, like one time I was like, all right, down where I live, I live in the swamp, man. Yeah, crazy frogs down there. Crazy ass frogs.

They're all pale. They're like the tree frogs you see on Discovery Channel But they're just pale And grayish And then there's the Big ass fucking You can see their hearts Beating through their chest Yeah exactly You can see their veins

And their intestines And all that And they're like They'll just stay They can go anywhere So they'll be on your roof They'll be on your ceiling They'll be in your bathtub

On your shower Shower comes on They just jump Garage door opens They just jump down From the ceiling Land on your head But they're peeing

The whole time Frogs like to pee. Frogs are the fucking worst. It's very disrespectful. The amount of frog piss I've had on my hands. I agree. Does it cause warts, though? That's a myth.

Oh, is that also a myth? Yes. The fear is to be in a prison inhabited by rapist frogs. Really? Oh, wow. Is that really?

That is really one of the fears. Two frogs. To be in a prison inhabited by rapist frogs. You're not just reading someone's desire by accident. No, no, I know. That is the tricky thing. That's mine. Well, I think I have to go, based on Jackie's previous answer, it seemed like she knew something about Marcus.

Interesting. So I have to go with Marcus? Correct. I'm sorry. I gave it away. I didn't realize there was going to be about frogs. That's cool. Yeah, yeah.

Prison, number one fear. Frogs, number two fear. You put those two things together. Imagine that. And Jackie was talking about dreams earlier. Yeah, that's my worst nightmare that I've ever had.

I've actually had a nightmare of being raped in prison by frogs. Like frog men. What'd you do in France? So we have two people that are afraid of frogs and they put them in their answer. That's completely logical, man.

It's wild. Not snakes. We beat the frogs. Not snakes, not bears. Okay, Ben. Frogs. The fear is to be as fat as Ben. All right. Interesting.

That narrows it down. Jackie's already fatter than me. Eddie's fatter than me. That again, the fear again is to be as fat as Ben is. Interesting. Afraid of success. All right. Somebody who does not want to make it in this business.

Yes. I'm going to go with... Okay. Don't look at me. I already did it with Kevin Barnett He seems like somebody Who would be afraid of having such talent Wait no you just went Scratch it Ed Larson

The answer is myself You're fatter than me And then we play the waiting game Don't we Interesting You're fatter than me. And then we play the waiting game, don't we? Interesting. You're so fat. What the fuck? He doesn't even have a gun.

He only has drums. I'm sorry, Ben. It's for the bit. Lends a new meaning to autoerotic asphyxiation. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Thanks, Joe.

Thank you. And Kevin shot me. That one actually really hurt. All right, Kevin. It, no, no. Thanks, Joe. Thank you. Kevin shot me. That one actually really hurt. All right, Kevin. It's the last round. By the way, have you kept track of who got it right and who got it wrong? I think Joe's the only one that's got it right. Did Joe get it right?

With a big assist. Yeah, I am. Okay. Yeah, I had an assist, though. Yeah, you have an assist. You have an assist. We can split credit. Thank you.

Kevin, the fear is seeing a crocodile while fucking a goat on a riverbank. Seeing a crocodile whilst having relations with sexual nature with a goat.

Oh, interesting. Right by a riverbank. It's a bit of a Huckleberry Finn scenario. I know there's a lot going on, man. We'll roll with Ed. Is this Ed? Correct! Boom! There you go. The first round. It's a scary situation.

The first round of fears and desires. Joe List and Kevin Barnett are in the lead. Interesting. Well, Joe, are you coming back for the second? What's that? Are you coming back for the second show? Yeah, come back. You're not doing anything. Sure. Yeah, you're not doing Jack's shit.

Come on. There you go. We'll have Joe back. We'll finish this in the second episode where we will cover desires. All right. God, you're disgusting. All right. Well, that's been the roundtable of gentlemen.

Boy, oh boy, that was amazing. For Jackie Zebrowski. All right. Edward Larson. Holder McNeely, Marcus Parks Kevin Barnett Thanks for being here, Joe But then you'll be on the next episode too

I'm Ben Kissel For desires Can you please give the intro to the next one The next episode will be covering God God God damn it, I hate your life. That's what it is.

I know. I drew I wanted to do a horse, but it ended up being a dog. With tits. You drew a dog with tits during the show. And a dick. It's got a dick. Everyone else was focused on trying to be good. This is kind of an ad.

I was just telling jokes. Sort of a Picasso portrait of my mother. It's really bad. Can you scan that? Yeah, I do want to thank you. Give it here. It is a huge dick. Yeah, that's going to be the picture for the episode.

Holden's fucking horrible. Oh my Christ, Holden. Oh God. The next episode will be Desire Alright, alright, alright We're gonna get into the smoke break And then reconvene here Alright, goodbye