The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 86: Goatlings

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this particularly contentious Round Table, we explore the distinct accents of goats, why people should be allowed to raise, kill, and eat cats, and two horribly unattractive women have a good old fashioned Florida titty knife fight in a bar. Joining us today: your favorite one-liner delivery man Joe List and Brian Quigley from Wendigo Productions!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Monkey Town is the place where you wanna dance. gentlemen. Always civility. MonkeyTown is the place where you want to dance. Now I'm going to guide you through a guided meditation.

I hate these. They're so getting bad. I like them. Okay. Close your eyes. Relax. You're at the monkey party where you like to dance. What kind of dance do you do? Do you do it with bananas?

How much fun is that dance? There's a giraffe nearby. The giraffe has a mustache. What does the mustache look like? Does it look like your father? Where's your father? And then you go into a K-hole. You're hanging out.

You're hanging out. Everything's fine. But one of the gorillas gave you a spicy joint. A little bit of K in there. You went down into a K-hole. Now the monkeys are kind of playing with you. Seeing what your parts do. You can't move.

That's right. Now you're at a fireman's reunion party. Now the party is a fireman reunion. They're trying to do something fishy with that hose. They're trying to do something funny to you with that hose. What are they going to do? But there it is. Now you're covered in scorpions!

Get out of there! Get out of there! Now you're safe with the demons. The demons saved you. And they're lifting you up and taking you to a fiery pit where you can happily burn and die. Let's all be skeletons together in the fire pit.

You fuckers. That's right. You're all bastards. And then you fuck a bunch of whores and now you're in a jet plane and it's hitting a pyramid and exploding

and now you have come all over yourself and you're back at the round table of gentlemen. Oh, hello. What a nice journey. That was great. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody. Now that you're fully, fully traumatized, who is everybody here?

Jackie Zerowski. Me-ah! Donkey! Donkey at the table! Donkey Zabrowski! Donkey Zabrowski! I like Donkey Zabrowski. You are one fine, fine mule. And Larson. Me-ah! Seahorse. Holden McNeely. That's not...

No, that's sort of a seahorse. You never know what they sound like. They're underwater. Yeah, Holden would have the babies in a relationship. Mm-hmm. Good point. All right. Like a seahorse. I'm Kevin Barnett, by the way. All right, Kevin. I love you. I'm Ben Kitzel with us in the old Shuggle Hell. We got Joe List coming back for week number

two. Oh, yeah. For lunch, I had a vegetable smoothie. Vegetable smoothie. Interesting. Interesting. What was in it? Broccoli? What's that? Broccoli's my favorite vegetable. Broccoli, for sure What was in it? Broccoli. What's that? Broccoli's my favorite vegetable. Broccoli, for sure. Vitamin K. Semen.

Alright, and also the man who supplied that sweet, sweet semen for his vegetable smoothie, Quigley. Thanks for being here, buddy. Oh, thank you. Okay. Is there anything I can plug for you? Wendigo Productions. Quickly, from Wendigo Productions, everybody.

Yeah! They're a beautiful company. With us, as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Parks, what do you got for us today? Disgusting cops in Bakersfield say they've arrested a man on suspicion of cooking and eating cats. Yeah! Not illegal. That's some Haitian shit.

and eating cats. Yeah! Not illegal. That's some Haitian shit. Jason Luis Wilmer was charged with animal cruelty and using a pet or domesticated animal

for food after neighbors heard cats screeching at his house and called police. Wait a second. You're telling me you can't own an animal

and you're not allowed to eat it? Apparently. What about horses and pigs and shit? People own them and they own them. And they love them.

It's not a cat farm, though. No, but any house can be a cat farm. Alright, so if I have a pig as my own pet, and I kill it, can I not eat it? Well, you don't want to kill your son. Fine, but can we call it Scooter? That's fine. That's all. So it wouldn't have been illegal if that man, if he would have starved to death And not eaten the cats It would have been fine

This is ridiculous If he ate the cats it's got to be illegal If I went to jail every time I ate pussy I'd be OJ Simpson I need to go to jail once Yeah just one time Probably going to get out pretty soon actually I'm fairly certain

Here's a quote from the neighbor Says quote I heard a cat cry Here's a quote from the neighbor. It says, I heard a cat cry. It was a weird cry. Real loud. He said he went outside to peer in a Wilmert's backyard where he saw, quote, a little burner going and smelled awful

meat. What a fucking asshole. Mind your own business, you goddamn couch commando. What the fuck are you doing? Good point. Couch commando. Wow. Rarely are words uttered that Al Bundy would have worn on her shirt.

Couch commando. Holy Christ. Where did this happen, Marcus? This happened in Bakersfield, California. Beautiful town. It's a beautiful town. Fuck the cats. We've got too many of them.

How is abortion legal and killing a cat and eating it isn't? You know, what's more human, a fetus or a cat? You don't eat the fucking dead kid. You know, at least he's eating the cat. You could eat the dead kid, though. I mean, you can do whatever you want with it. Yeah, you can go dumpster diving behind a fucking clinic and eat anything you want from there. You can use the, but you can definitely put it in your hair.

Yeah, exactly. You can put it in your hair. You can put it in your skin. Aborted fetuses You can put it in your hair. You can put it in your skin. Aborted fetuses are used for... It's a really good conditioner. After birth? Yeah. Is it good conditioner?

It's great conditioner. Where did you hear about this? It's a thing. Pump a sticker? No. If you take the after birth and put it in your hair, it can completely rejuvenate your hair. Really?

Can you grow new hair? I don't know. I don't think so. No, it's not good for balding. We're already having hair. It'sate your hair. Really? Can you grow new hair? I don't know. I don't think so. No, it's not good for balding. No, it's not good for balding. Already having hair. It's for nice hair. Have you ever heard about this, Mark?

Thank you very much. Yeah, it's what people do. Eddie, it's what people do. Marcus, have you heard about this? I heard about what? The afterbirth making your hair look nice? I mean, I've heard it being used as a source of nutrition. But it's very nutritious.

I don't know about that. It makes placents. It does. But it's very nutritious. I don't know about the hair. It makes placents. It does. It makes total placents. It's amazing. Stop going to the park all day long. You're doing the Lord's work on a Sunday, man.

Kevin, if a placenta was thrown out in front of you or a cat, which one are you eating? Dude, that's a tough choice. It is a tough choice. I like cats a lot, man. I've had a lot of fond memories with cats. I like cats. They sit in my lap and cuddle. They're warm. Placenta's done nothing for me.

I'm eating that placenta. Interesting. Yeah, but the texture. Can you imagine the texture of a placenta? It's like an oyster. It does look like an oyster. It's all at once. Oyster and egg, yeah.

At the very least, this guy's only being charged with a misdemeanor. So this guy's getting a misdemeanor. On our last episode, a guy jacked off in a car and got charged with a felony. Well, both things are not crimes and neither deserve any penalty. Ben, I also commend you. I just don't understand our legal system. Hair, hair. Harumph.

Harumph. Harumph. I also commend Ben for remembering something we talked about a week ago. Thank you. We've got to do another benefit. There you go. Another benefit. Got to do another benefit.

Are we still doing the Bruce Springsteen bit or no? Sure. People know this is the continuation. This guy wasn't kidnapping cats or anything. He was catching wild cats. Okay, so they're wild cats. That's worse, man. It's three cats.

Now, what if there was a lot of... Well, that's a good point. First of all, wild cats you should be allowed to eat. Yeah's worse, man. It's three cats. Now, what if there was a lot of... Dude, there's a lot of... Well, that's a good point. First of all, wild cats you should be allowed to eat. Yeah. No, no. Absolutely. It's the rule. If it's your own cat, that makes it more weird. No, man.

How are there so many of them? They're out there in the streets fucking... What makes it more weird? They're doing what? Because you know the cat. No, I know. I agree. I mean, I'm saying we live in a country where Pet City is legal, where they take these dogs

and they fucking treat them like animals and they put them in cages. You know, they treat these dogs terribly. Don't shoot me, motherfucker. Don't fucking shoot me right now. We all got guts, kid. And it's like, that's legal. And then they can sell them to a seven-year-old and the dog can die of starvation

because the seven-year-old's parents don't give a fuck about it. But you can't eat a goddamn cat. You can't live in a country where you can eat meat and you can't eat a cat. Doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any fucking sense. It makes perfect sense, man. There's a lot of movies about cats. Jokes. What? Cartoon cats. There's aristocrats, the fucking

lion gang was about a talking cat. Charlotte's Web's got a pig in it. That's one movie. Save the pigs. Charlotte's Web and Babe. There's all kinds of shit. Don't forget. Name more than two shit you can talk about... Exit to Eden! Three movies! Exit to fucking Eden, dude!

I've never heard of that shit in my life. Rosie! War of the Flies! Miss Piggy. I don't believe none of this. All I'm saying is... Ridiculous. There's all types of cat movies and cat characters.

Cats are great. I love cats, and I'm going to own one someday. It's going to be beautiful. I love them, too, but that doesn't mean you can't eat them. I love horses. I love... Why don't you go save one from the shelter, you fucking hypocrite? Maybe I will.

Quickly, what? Maybe I will. Gauntlets are thrown. They are thrown. I love that cats are the soft spot. You know why I don't save a cat from the shelter right now? Because I don't have the funds to properly provide for one. But when I do, that's just what happens. You don't have six dollars a week? Six bucks a week. Not to mention the cats in the shelter are all going to be euthanized very, very soon.

If they could sell them to people that would actually eat them and use them for meat. Light them all on fire and fucking eat it. I don't know. I do like cats, though. They're very cute creatures. Well, apparently the meat's all stinky. I'll eat the shit out of any animal. I'll eat cockroaches if it tastes good.

Human flesh, dude. I'm down. Oh, my God. I can't wait. Please, I can't wait for the fucking future when I can eat a man. I just want to eat a dude. Why do you think that's going to happen in the future? We're going the way of a vegetarian giant.

Running man, bro. Cloning. Yeah. We're fucking on the moon. We're not going to clone people for food. We're going to clone them for parts. Dude, we've already started cloning people without brains for parts.

Why can't we clone them for food? All right, so you clone a whole person. Chicken is food. All right, all right. You clone a whole person. All right? You All right, all right. You clone a whole person. All right? You send off the arms and the legs and the head and whatever, the heart and the liver and whatever.

You still got a nice big ass. What are you going to do with that ass? You know, you're going to eat that fucking ass. That's true. That's a good point. I'll tell you what. Can I ask this? If the future is going to allow us to eat people, can I have a robotic penis shaped like a scorpion's

tail? Yes. Of course. Fantastic. Granted. Naturally. people. Can I have a robotic penis shaped like a scorpion's tail? Yes. Of course. Fantastic. Naturally. Absolutely. That brings up a good point. We should only be cloning people with big asses.

I think that's a good point. I am cloned. You'll be cloned, Jackie. Is it legal to eat camel meat here? Sure. I think so. Yeah, they're not commonly... Well, here's the laws on the books.

If you could ship it in, I'm sure it's fine. The laws on the books is that in California, they banned the eating of pets in 1989. What a boring year. Here's what the DA says. The law makes it against the law to use

companion animals or animals that are commonly kept as pets for food. I think this is ridiculous. You can't be breaking up animals into groups. You gotta treat them all the same. Fish are commonly kept as pets. Damn, I know how to eat a fucking goldfish.

Fuck a goldfish. Put a lot of meat on it. Not a lot of meat, but he could still eat one. What's your hand? Doesn't Carrot Top swallow a whole goldfish in his act and then spit it back? Oh, Gallagher did it. Really good technique. Well, here's the other thing about this guy is that he also had a warrant on three previous charges.

What were his previous charges? Littering, resisting arrest, and unauthorized non-agricultural burning. Dude, fuck this country. We're living in Iran. Fake laws. Crimes, man. Littering. That just means he was setting a bunch of fires.

And then he burst the garbage that he littered. And what was the other one again? That wasn't a crime either. Resisting arrest. Resisting arrest is not a crime. He grabbed a cat, threw it on the ground, lit it on fire. The cops were like, what are you crime. He bought, he went, he grabbed a cat, threw it on the ground, lit it on fire.

The cops were like, what are you doing? He's like, nothing, motherfucker. And they're like, now all three crimes in one. If you can get away,

they should give you one gimme. If you can get away, you get away. This is a resisting arrest, you know? I heard he was cat littering. I don't even know what that means. Cat litter.

Kitty litter. Oh, cat litter. I get it. It was many levels of means. Cat litter. Kitty litter. Oh, cat litter. I get it. We got it. It was many levels of goodness. Yeah, it was great. Gee, why am I getting shot for his bad joke?

Because you were dumb as fuck. Because I'm a guest, god damn it. And people don't respect you. Fuck yeah, dude. No one respects me, I'll tell you that. Guns, guns, guns, guns. All right, move around. Kitty litter.

No, kitty litter would have been funnier. Because cat litter doesn't make sense. Well, kitty, cat, what the fuck? Cat makes sense. I like this joke. Kitty litter would have been funnier, though, if it was like, oh, it looks like kitty litter. Let's have a vote for the room. Who liked Joe's joke?

Fucking great joke. First of all, you just did that. Kevin Barnett, he's a Nazi, Kevin. That was a Nazi salute. He's been sitting next to you for a year and a half. Don't you call me a Nazi, you stinky fucking Jew. Don't you call me a fucking Nazi. Oh, you, Nenward, you.

Nenward me. Fascinating. Good, good comeback. According to last week's episode, clapping is for retards, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, I believe that it is. No offense. That's her theory, not mine. All right, so we're going to end the episode.

It's all done now. Let's move on to a different subject. Jack Schafer is bad jokes, though. Bad jokes. Joe List is killing it. Kitty litter would have been funnier than cat litter. God damn it, Ben. Ben's just being litter. I mean bitter I needed this my girlfriend this morning

No two weeks ago. This is my biggest fear come true, by the way. Someone's chatting Joe List around me. This is awful. I heard a Ben Kissel chant last night. Yeah, that was nice of you, but no one else did it. You know what happened. It was half-assed. Oh, a week ago.

The many things that have changed since then. Times have changed, man. It's crazy. We seemed slightly less drunk one week ago. Interesting, right? That's the thing. And I wasn't a merman. So that changes, too.

I forgot he had those flippers now, man. That's the thing. The one that was wet. Good God, Jackie. Gills for life. What does happen to the mermaid male? Do they have a penis underneath them? Absolutely.

Do you? Yes. I don't know. No, no, no, that's right. Their nipples are penises. Oh, their nipples are big, long, dangly nipple penises. They've got a big, long dick that just stretches out of its ass. Oh, okay. That's the thing. That's merman conviction.

It is unbelievable. I believe it. It's shaped like a horn. So that's also another thing. Oh, to have a horn for a penis. Okay, Marcus Continuing on animal news It turns out

We had a horse McNeely over in the corner And then I looked over to the right and I was like, we actually just have a horse Alright It turns out accents aren't just for people from Long Island Goats have them as well Goats have accents. Until now, experts had assumed that goats' voices were dictated entirely by genetics.

Genetics do play a role, the researchers found, as siblings had similar calls, but the calls of kids raised in the same social groups were also similar to each other and became more similar as the kids grew older. Wow. I hate that goats' children are called kids grew older. Wow. I hate that goat children

are called kids. It bothers me. It bothers me as well. Eddie, if you could pick a name for a small, youthful goat. Goatlings! Goatlings!

That's true. A set of goatlings that create a luke of goats. That's the thing. A bunch of goatlings is a luke. I like that. I like that about goats. I like goatlings.

That's the thing. That answer was locked and loaded. Ready to go. We've been doing a lot of goat kind of experiment. Sort of working in the realm of goat just as theory. You can eat that goat, though. You can eat any goat you want. Never going to be illegal.

I can't imagine a goat tastes very good. Goat tastes great. Yeah, you've never had goat? Goat meat's actually very delicious. Every time you go to a halal, it's going to be some goat meat. We should go to Jorge's. I'll buy you some goat meat. Okay.

So if goats have dialects that change all throughout whatever, does that mean there is such a thing as a racist goat? Probably. That looks down on other goats for having a too twangy of a goat scent? I guess it probably lives in Ireland. Yeah, right? And it's fucking drunk all the time. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing with these goats.

You know what we gotta do with these goats? Gotta put them all in one pen and fucking get rid of them. I'm sick of these goats coming around trying to get... Oh, he's counting their coins. They're counting their coins. Is that a Nazi thing? I was sold on his argument.

Is this how World War II started? Let's turn those hooves into glue, people. Stay there. Hooves into glue. Here's an interesting fact. A group of goats is actually called a herd, a tribe, or a trip. A trip. That's only if they're on mushrooms, though.

Then it's called a trip of goats. Can we boo Holden? Shoot him, please? Is that that bad? It was that bad? They shot him. I thought that was real. Thank you, Marcus.

Get a fucking shot at. Right in the throat. Shoot yourself. Yeah, Marcus. Get a fucking shot at. Right in the throat. Shoot yourself. Yeah, exactly. It's like when they're on acid. Oh, man. That's good. That's funny.

It's like a trip of goats there. He shot himself in the head. Yeah, absolutely. Why don't they call him a trip? I don't know. They're hilarious. I'm just Googling shit. Holy, can you give us your best goat dialect?

Uh, yeah. Well, that sounds fun. So are people treating these goats with different dialects differently? Or some people... No, they're still chopping them up in the goat meat. Still chopping them up in the goat meat? All right, all right. That sounds pretty fun.

They eat cans. Do they really? Yeah. They can't control themselves. They love eating cans? Yeah, they love eating cans. They can't control themselves. They love eating cans? They're a lot like you. I mean, I'm drunk. I've got to eat multiple, multiple cans.

Sometimes you just can't get it open fast enough. That's true. You ever been drunk and pried open a can with your own fingers and eaten something out of it? And what was it that you ate out of it? I'll tell this real quick. New Year's Eve last year. Tell it really slow. We have a lot of time to kill.

Seriously. Last year in Livonia, Michigan I bought SpaghettiOs, but I didn't have a bottle opener. So I took the coat hanger from the hotel room, and I just smashed the thing open, and I actually got a noise complaint. Really? And I opened the door at like 2 o'clock in the morning,

hammered with a coat hanger. Are you cooking cats in here? They're like, we got some noise complaints. I was like, oh, god damn it! I got a picture on my phone. They were fucking worried, man. So what did they say to you with the noise complaints?

And I was like, oh, sorry, I'm bashing in a SpaghettiOak can. Did they get you a can opener? No, no, no. I ended up busting it open. Before the noise complaint. God damn. Yeah, yeah.

As the can. Well, what I did, I took my pen. It was kind of MacGyver shit. I took my pen and like kind of serrated the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, never become a stand-up comedian. Yeah, yeah. Do it, do it. You get to eat a lot of great food.

This is the life that they live. Yeah, yeah. But this is the reason cats are illegal now, because cops are fucking bored. They're getting called to random holidays in for... They just sent the whatever guy out. Oh, I see. The manager there.

It was a Motel 6. Yeah, the fire department. Do you eat them cold? Do you eat them cold? No, no, that was a microwave. I just couldn't get them open. So I ate them cold? Do you ate them cold? No, no, that was a microwave. I just couldn't get them open. I see. I ate them warm.

Because colds are getting us. I mean, that's a good question to ask the table, though. What's like the saddest thing you've eaten? Oh my god, you're kidding me? Her name was Shelly. Indeed. She was a manic depressive. I got her on a bad day. Anything that Holden's had, anything that you bought

and then left in the fridge for more than three days, I've eaten. You've eaten. Definitely eaten so much. Back in the day, the saddest thing you ever ate, you have no idea what it is. You don't remember. You're just too hammered to ever remember. I definitely put mayonnaise on saltines numerous times.

That's good. I love saltines. Hot sauce on saltines numerous times. That's good. I love saltines. They're the best. Hot sauce on saltines, just that. You can get by. You can do just fine. I've eaten peanut butter on saltines. That's rich man's life.

You've got a little cat on that saltine. It's supposed to taste amazing. I have an expression in college. When you're hungry, sleep. Yeah. That's an interesting expression. You'll be so famous, you'll pass out pretty quickly. And that would be by, you were in college for a semester, I believe?

Oh, when I lived in the place where my friends went to college. Nice. So that was what you told them, and they're like, I have to go to class, and you're like, I'm going to go to sleep. Man, I wish I lived with my drug dealer That would have made things so much easier I lived with my drug dealer and then I became one Good job

I love it Quigley where did you go to college at? South Hampton It's been shut down in the past two years Really? Why did it get shut down? I think it sucked It was a terrible terrible place It just got shut down in the past two years, I think. Really? Why did it get shut down? I think it sucked. It was a terrible, terrible place. It just got shut down

for being a bad school? I think it was old army barracks that they converted into a school somehow. I think it was a big scam, to be honest. Wow! Oh, LIU? Yeah, definitely a scam. I just saw an ad on the subway today talking about this. The whole thing

is just like, I got a four-year degree. They promised me a job placement. They didn't give me shit. And they're like, I should have gone to LIU, which is a community college. You know, pretty much it was just saying that it doesn't matter if you go to school or not. That would be a good idea. That's fantastic. You know it's a bad college when they write shit in the advertisement for the college.

Yeah, that's true. Just dissing on everybody else. That's a good point. Marcus, are there any new stories? A South Carolina soccer mom who screened an X-rated movie in her home for a group of teenage boys has been booked on a felony charge. Another fucking felony!

She didn't screen this movie. The kids put it on. She just happened to be there. She was none the wiser. No, no. She did it. Then she's the saint. Exactly. I'm with you on that argument, too. My buddy TJ's mother, she used to show us multiple amounts of pornography.

It was fantastic. She was in the room. She was an elderly, terrible-looking gal. But nonetheless, it's nice to have a woman there. Just like this one. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, oh, man.

She's a monster of a woman. She's got a great porn collection. Great porn collection. I thought she was pretty cute. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Here's the porn that she showed. Police seized a copy of The Wedding from Hammond's residence and placed a DVD into evidence starring Poppy Morgan. The film, distributed

by Rude Britannia, purportedly chronicles the British porn star's actual nuptials and all the related orgy like activities. So romantic. That's such a nice porno to watch. Yeah, it's a nice porno and if you're in the jury it's just like judge can we just have a little bit more time?

Can we just have a little bit more time with the evidence? It's two people getting married and then they fuck after they get married. That's the sweetest nicest porno I've ever heard of. I agree. Jackie, you seem disturbed by this. You don't like thinking of married people fucking?

Well, they don't. No, I think that's gross. I think that... It's true. But I'm down with what the woman was doing. That's fine. Right? Yeah.

As long as it was included like all the cousins were fucking too. Right? Is that what it was? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Jackie, you're gonna get locked up. I just feel like it can't be illegal.

Isn't the government supposed to stay out of parenting? This chick's a parent. She's got a 14-year-old son. He's got some friends. This is a better way to teach sex ed though than your fucking creepy ass Mr. Sorensen sitting you down in class wrapping a condom around a random cucumber. Go to this chick's house, watch a fucking

porno, learn how shit's done. Yeah, it was great. I remember my buddy Pat, his dad had a subscription to Playboy, kept it around the house so we'd all be reading Playboys out in the open underage, watching porns late at night. He was in bed. That's how you make kids not rape.

But if that old man comes downstairs now it's a felony. He's letting kids wear a shirt going to his house. I know, it's crazy. I remember I borrowed a Playboy one time. I still have a memory of this being like, can I borrow this? That's like borrowing a cigarette. I know, right?

It's like so clear. Yeah, first of all, you're never getting it back. And if you do, it's going to be soaking wet. Yeah, it'd just be disgusting. You don't want this. When you get it back, it's like a quarter of the size. Right, exactly. Where'd all the pages go?

Can I borrow this? When I give this back, it's going to smell like my dick. Can I borrow this? My lipstick is going to be all over it. I like to look like the centerfolds. I could have got lipstick out fully. And this woman,

she also gave the boys shots. That's fine! Once again, 14-year-old boys start drinking. How did she get caught, though? That's the only thing, is that she was stupid. Some dumb friend went home to his parents. And he told them all because he had a time of his life.

He had a great time, and he was scared of his fucking mother, and she was waiting up for him, watching the OWN network, Oprah Winfrey's network, which is going out of business because it fucking sucks. This is such a great lady. I'm so sad. I just feel like the kids should be arrested for being a fucking lame ass. So far, I'm just thinking our prisons are full of fantastic people that I want friends of mine. I mean, this kid's definitely getting the shit kicked out of him. That's good.

I mean, everyone knows that much. You blew up our porn and whiskey dealer? Shut the fuck up, dude. Exactly. One more thing. up, dude. Exactly. One more thing. In addition to showing the teens the wedding, Hammond, a mother of two,

also allegedly exchanged explicit Facebook messages with one boy. In one exchange, she reportedly asked the boy, would you like it if I sucked her cock? Yes! Wow, she's killing it, man. Exactly! You can't put that shit in writing. You cannot put that shit in writing. It is so fun.

You can whisper it in their ears. I'm calling it. I'm going to say it right now. I love equality. I'm a very, very liberal fella. But when it comes down to sexual pedophilia, a woman, elderly gal, fucking trying to suck a 14-year-old boy's dick is fine.

If it's vice versa, I think it's wrong. There's something wrong with her, though. It's fine because the boy is going to be fine. There's something wrong with her, but he's going to be the king of the school. I don't even want to sleep with a 16-year-old. He might not even be the king of the school, though. He's fine because the boy is going to be fine. There's something wrong with her but he's going to be the king of the school. He might not even be the king of the school though. He might never tell anybody. It just doesn't matter because he's not going to be traumatized like

a 14 year old girl would be if some sweaty fucking lumberjack man raped her. Raped all over her. I just think there's something more wrong with the woman wanting to sleep with a fucking 15 year old guy than there is in the opposite way. Blame Justin Bieber. She's a big fat hairy monster. She's not that unattractive.

She's pretty gross. We can't really look at her right now. She's fine. She just looks like a mother. There's this great new thing that's going to be sold. It's all about mothers who love Justin Bieber

and they go crazy for these child kid stars. Bieber fever. And it's like if it was a man who loved Selena Gomez, it would be disgusting and people would put him in jail. But if you're a gal and you want to blow a 14-year-old dude, that

kid is going to be fine. The man is going to be fine. If you blow the dude, it's fine. Just blow him. You recognize that the kid when he gets older is going to roll through and fuck whole towns. Right, exactly. You can even pussy fuck him, just don't ass fuck him. Well, I don't know if he has a pussy.

Well, no, no, I'm talking about her. She can pussy fuck him. Don't ass fuck him. Yeah, don't sodomize the boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's definitely true, you know, but just I just feel like it's a real double standard of society there.

Anyway, hello Marcus. Welcome back. true, you know, but just, I just feel like it's a real double standard of society there. Alright. Anyway, hello Marcus. Welcome back. Alright. This is what happens when you go to the bathroom. I go to the bathroom and all of a sudden I come back and it's like, well, you can pussy fuck him, but don't ass fuck him. Men don't have pussies. From Florida!

Two St. James City women. Do you know where St. James City is? Oh, yeah. One wielding a knife were arrested Wednesday evening after their failed attempts to flash fellow bar patrons to earn extra beer money escalated into a parking lot knife fight. I'll tell you what. Looking at these two mug shots, these two women should be arrested trying to flash anybody. Good Christ. Ugly, huh?

Oh my God. I'd rather get slashed by a rat. Don't eat it, though. That's a felony. Their names are Alicia Martin and Catherine Rayonic. They can't be that ugly. They're too fat for even you.

Let's see them. Oh, God. I love them! I love them! They're horrible, disgusting. Why are they flat? Mason Martin especially, man. Keep your flat tire titties inside your goddamn...

Jesus Christ. Terrible. I think they're fine. By the way, is there some kind of jail for stupid crime felons? I hope they all go there. All the dumb crimes felons get locked up together. It's like, what did you do? It's like, I tried to use a mouse as a gun to rob a store.

What did you do? I showed up pouring to a bunch of little kids and thought I'd suck their dick. That jail is called LIU. Hello. I just think I might be put into jail someday for doing something like this. I just think it's a good way to... For having big floppy tits.

For flashing. No, not big. I mean... You missed the new story. Oh, new story. Oh, for showing kids a board. I just peepied. Let's go back.

This new story is about two girls who show their titties to everyone. They show their tits. They were in Florida. They showed their tits around the bar to try to get extra beer money. Not a single patron in the entire bar took them

up on it. That's so sad. That is so sad. Can I give you money to put your titties away? Just imagine how hurt they must be right now. Could I give you money for a jacket? You go buy a jacket? Man, they must have been really big pieces of shit.

Because I feel like most girls, any girl... Check it out. Fucking yuck! Wee! Oh, yeah. Capital Y-U-C-K. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck!

She doesn't have eyebrows. That's really mean. But they probably had bad breasts as well. So here's how the whole thing wrapped up. They were getting rowdy because nobody would give them the actual money. So a female employee and a male employee pushed them out of the bar. Once outside, deputies say Martin attacked the female employee and a male employee push them out of the bar. Once outside, deputies say Martin attacked the female employee,

punching her in the back of the head. The male employee jumped in and dragged Martin off the female employee. He took Martin's keys as the female employee called 911. That's when Martin allegedly pulled a knife and demanded the keys back. She allegedly charged the man,

telling him she was going to stab him. Deputies say the man backed off, so Martin put the knife away and attacked the female employee again. So it wasn't so much the flashing they went to jail for. No, they went to jail for knives. Yeah, they went to jail because jail needed a new king. Yeah, that's true.

They went for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and battery. And the other one is charged with disorderly conduct. I just wish the police report just said bad titties. This is the exact kind of reason why I would never want to be cooped up in a prison with fucking women. These are the kind of fucking women you would be in their way. And you'll literally be cooped like in a chicken coop all sitting on eggs. That's the thing they do with the women in the jails. They have to sit on haystacks full of eggs.

No, did I tell you guys that I was in prison on Friday? I went to prison on Friday. I filmed in a prison all day. Oh, yeah, that's right. How was it? What happened? Oh, man. So I made friends with this huge prison guard named Derek.

Me, yowza. I tell ya. I was dressed as one of the inmates. And so I was like. I had my own personal prison guard. Just in case. So I had to. Like if I went from floor to floor.

I had to change out of my costume. And back in. I couldn't go outside. And this man. He was. I'm going to go ahead and say. He's probably about 6'10". And he was the

big white guy. Biggest jacked white man with a fucking handlebar mustache I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. And he just fucks all those chicks, doesn't he? Oh, man. He definitely does. I asked him, I started to say, he's like, I can pick up anything in this place. I said, no, you can't pick up me. And then he picked me up

and he bench-dressed me over his head. Over his head. Yeah! It was awesome! And then I got wolfed at by a bunch of inmates. Fresh meat! Get over here fish!

It was terrifying how well you fit in there. I think that was what was scary about it. Oh man, especially, I mean my line was, I breastfed a man to death. That's a great callback to the last episode. No, it was great. So I just wanted to throw that out there that I've been to prison, and I know what it's like now. And on the inside, I didn't have to wear sleeves.

And now I'll never wear sleeves ever again. All right, and now we've got a segment from Holden McNeely. Part two of Fears and Desires. This week Desires. So bad. Alright. We'll start

with Kevin. We'll go the other way around the room now. We're going to go with Desires. Hold on one minute while I find my Desire. God damn going to go with desires. Hold on one minute while I find my desire. God damn it, I hate you. And so each member has to guess which desire

belongs to which member. This person's ultimate desire of all time is a cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Interesting. A cheeseburger. One cheeseburger. Any cheeseburger interesting cheeseburger one cheeseburger any cheeseburger must be broke

one cheeseburger I'm gonna go with Ben cause he's fat and his life's sad and the answer is Ed Larson I am fat my life is sad. That's true. You're a quarter right, Kevin.

All right. Quarter pounder right. Indeed. No, I liked it. It's good. Keep it going. I'll accept a gunshot. I'll accept a gunshot.

Yeah, thank you. Everyone has to shoot the fuck out of Joe here. Right in the eye. I'm not wearing a patch either. Hello. Was that this episode or last episode? It doesn't matter. It's a't shoot the fuck out of Joe here. Right in the eye. I'm not wearing a patch either. Hello. Was that this episode or last episode? It doesn't matter. It gives a fuck.

All right, Kissel. All right. Kissel, this person's desire, this greatest desire. Ugh, shut you up. That's mine. To become a martial arts superstar. Martial arts superstar. Very interesting. His greatest desire is to become a martial arts superstar. Martial arts superstar. Very interesting.

He's become a martial arts superstar. Can't be Edward. He is not athletic. Can't be Jackie. She's not an Asian. Can't be Marcus. He has no desires whatsoever

other than to fail. I'm going to go with Kevin Barnett. You're correct! Alright! Well, that's fantastic. Why? Do you just want to be faster? I mean, that's just been the dream, man. That's the dream, but it's not going to happen for me. I've got no knees. My neck is fucked up. I'm done.

You're bad in the face. I've got a cheeseburger waiting for me at the bar. That's fantastic. Aim low. Desire fulfilled. Quickly, this person's greatest desire is huge boobs.

Huge boobs. I'm going to have to go with Jackie on that one. What? Good answer. Good answer. Oh no. I already got him. What? Yes! Good answer, quickly! Good answer! Oh, no!

I already got him! I already got him! Oh, wow. You and me, we're going to fight after this! By fight, she means fuck. Exactly. No one likes to hear when they have to self-improve. Everybody at home should be picturing Jackie

in Sean Penn's role in Mystic River. Where's my daughter? I love that. There's nine cops holding her back. I already have them. That's what I visualize. And I'm here. No one was scared.

But you should be scared, motherfucker. Watch out, Quigley. That was mine there. And enticed. I've always wanted to have huge boobs. Who's next there, H-Bomb? This might be the most fun I've ever had in my life. Good.

What do you got, Nathan? Yes. Desire of this human in this room. Jesus Christ. Is to blow up a building. Ooh. blow up a building. Blow up a building. The desire of this person in this room is to blow up a fucking building.

Maybe put the gun away, Ed. Sounds like someone who has a lot of hate in their heart. You never know what building, though. It might be a building where they're doing nothing but eating cats. It could be some crazy cat cooking building. Desire. Well, I feel like

my instinct... I don't want to give multiple answers. I have to go with... I'm going to go with Kissel because he seems a little angry. I've already been chosen. I'm going to go in and say... I'm going to give you a second guess. Kissel's already gone.

You have to use your powers of deduction. I feel like there's a lot of love in this room, and I feel like the person I know the least is Quigley. Quigley, is it you? Would you like to blow up a building? That is incorrect. If I could change my answer right now, that would be it. I know everyone's like, I would love to blow up a building. I kind of want to change my answer as well.

The answer is Jackie. Blow up a fucking building. You're going to be in it quickly. You and your small breasts. You're going to be in that building. Jackie. Scary, scary, scary Jackie. I want to blow up this building.

Every building. Every building I see. Jesus Christ. There is a man in this room who has a desire, Jackie. Put him down. Put him away. She's just flashing her breasts right now. God damn these breasts.

Give me a free drink. Give me a free drink. Get some breasts. Jackie, there's a man with a desire. All right, hit me. It is to fuck Holden's mommy. All right. Well, that's a fucking gimme.

Fuck Holden's mommy. No one else wants to fuck her. You already fucked her. I mean, I feel like... Mommy. I have to say Holden. Yeah, because that would be the right answer. Then they are more fucked than Holden.

Fuck Holden's mommy. So Holden. Less fucked, technically. The answer is me! Holy Christ. Go run a telethon, you Jerry Lewis fucking asshole. Jesus. And yours are very easy to obtain, though.

I want to find her essence. You know where your mother is. I want to just tap on her cervix. Oh, man. You're going to kill your mother. Basically a cheeseburger. She is meaty and fresh. Oh, right.

Oh, it's your mother like you came out of her. Ed Larson, there are several desires in this room. And one of them for someone in this room is to fist fight a scratched out dolphin. Originally it was going to be a dolphin, and now it's a great white on land. Original answer was going to be a fist fight a dolphin on land, scratched it out, changed it to a great white. You're just going to run away and let the fucking environment kill it.

This sounds like it's mine, but I know it's not. It's not yours. It cannot come from your mind. Actually, I know it's my buddy Brian Quigley over there. There you go! You're right! Originally I had dolphin, but I wanted to be remembered as a hero. So why do you want to fist fuck a shark? Fist fight.

Fist fight. I took my own meaning. That's part of it. Even shallow water, I realize, might be a little more fair because you could just leave it to the environment and it'll die probably in a few minutes. But if we bought in shallow water

and I took him down, people are going to remember that. Absolutely. You'll be a hero. Even if it's cold water. Might be a felony. Even if it's down, people are going to remember that. Absolutely. You'll be a hero. Even if it's cold water. Might be a felony. Even if it's cold water, you've got to keep that fist warm. Oh, yeah.

That's true. That's a good point. All right. All right. Well, there you go. So, I mean, what's our tally here? I mean, I can't even remember. So, Kevin, Joe, and Eddie got one each.

I got mine right, too. And Ben. I also got mine right. Yeah. A lot of rights. Have you been keeping score at all? Not really. Let's cancel.

Everybody's a winner. Everybody be a winner. Hey, everybody, you just listened to nothing. Zio! You idiots. Retard kindergarten. You just sat through two games that it didn't mean anything Fucking retards Don't tell them what they are Ben

I won't tell them what they are Alright well that's been the round table I don't want it to end I know We love everybody that listens And Jackie Zebrowski Ed Larson Kevin Barnett Parks, Ben Kissel. We all love you as well.

Thanks for being here. Joe List and Brian Quigley. Yes. Thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. What a hoot. Done.

What? What are you looking at me for? you