The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 87: Nothing But Trouble

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table, Milwaukee is in an uproar over a Jeffrey Dahmer Groupon special, a nursing home fire reveals a secret, and a man murders his wife by cannonball, plus we've got comedians and identical twins The Lucas Brothers in the Chuckle Hut!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are we ready? Yeah, we're ready. Oh, dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for your boobs. Please squirt us with all of the

liquids that come out of them and make us very funny and gross today. And let's say, help us say bad things. In your breast we pray. We play. God. In your breast we play, pray. I can't nail this. In your breast we play, pray. I can't nail this.

In your breast we play. Jesus. I couldn't say it before. Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Molly Neffel. There she is. Ed Larson.

Holy shit, it's Holden McNeely. Oh, not holy shit. No one cares. I'm Kevin Barnett. Oh, boy. Kevin Barnett. I am Benjamin Kissel. In the Chug-a-Lot, we've got God's terrible experiment.

I love him, and you're going to love him, too. The Lucas Brothers. Thanks for being here, guys. Thanks for having us, man. It's cool. All right. So... Yeah.

All right. And with us, as always, what do you want, Mark? I want to know. We've got to get to the bottom of this. Who's who? What's going on here? Oh, okay. Okay, for the audience at home, they're twins.

Identical twins. They always dress the same. Same haircut, same beard length, no matter what. Okay. The only thing different is the color of the shoelaces. And the different NBA team. One has a Lakers hat and the other has a Hornets hat. So let's go with fellow in the Hornets hat.

What is your first name and birthday? My first name is Kenny. My birthday is September 13th. All right. Fellow in the Lakers hat, first name and birthday. My name is Keith. We don't dress alike, motherfucker. My birthday is September 13th, too.

Kenny and Keith. We want to know, Marcus. I've never talked about it before. I have no fucking clue what you guys' first names were. Kenny and Keith We wanted to know Marcus I remember Talking about it before I have no fucking clue What you guys' first names were Kenny and Keith Uh yeah Keith and Kenny

Do you guys usually Wear the same hats Or do you just switch Them to fuck with people Nah we wear the same hats I mean Do you guys have Do you guys have bunk beds

Kenny Hornets Do you have bunk beds Yeah We had them growing up Uh For like 10 years Like way too long

For bunk beds I was an only Way too long for bunk beds. I was an only child. I also had bunk beds. That was to fill an entire you, though. You needed two beds. He slipped on the top. His stomach slipped on the bottom. Laid over there like some sort of large Jabba the Hutt character. My stomach and my right nut.

Clean up your nut, Eddie. Alright, witness as always, Newsman Marcus Parks. What do you got for us, buddy? A gruesome Groupon has sparked an uproar in Milwaukee. The Daily Deal website offered a coupon for a tour of the hunting grounds of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

To just bring in a bunch of gay clubs? Yeah. Yeah. I guess you've done this for free. You figured out the group. That is true. There really is no reason to pay for this. You can't just go to Mad Planet, which is where he had sex

with many a man. Mad Planet? It was a dance club. I thought gay meant happy. Well, no. It wasn't like, oh, I'm an angry man. It's like, oh, we're going to get mad, you know, with dicks and stuff. And there was a lot of cock sucking in that bathroom. And that's one of Jeffrey Dahmer's haunts.

And that was actually where he left when he killed the Filipino boy. That was the bar that they were at before that happened. I see. The Filipino boy who escaped and the cops took him back to Dahmer's house because they didn't believe him because he was heavily drugged but he was like, this guy's trying to kill me

and Dahmer was like, oh, thank you for bringing back my adopted child. I think he said boyfriend and Milwaukee cops are so ignorant and stupid. Tell this whole story real quick. I shouldn't be surprised that you guys know so much about serial killers but every time I'm always shocked.

It's a socially inappropriate thing to be an expert on. Would you like to know much about Jeffrey Dahmer's upbringing? I know quite a bit. His mother suffered from cerebral palsy, and at school, in order to make the other kids laugh, he used to do impressions of his mother, which he would go, So beware of that. Yeah, so look out for that teacher. There's a kid who doesn't have cerebral palsy

just acting like he does because his mother has it. I feel you, Ma. I have no idea why they're talking about serial killers in such detail. Like, what the fuck? How do you guys know about this? They're obviously serial killers. We read, Kenny, we read. We too, just not about serial killers. We just don't have the balls to be serial killers. We read, Kenny, we read. We too, just not about serial killers.

We just don't have the balls to be serial killers ourselves. I've said it on stage multiple times. I ain't a part of this. I don't share y'all sentiments. I'm just a dude, man. You're a nice guy. It's all the fucking white dudes in the room are like, kill, kill people. Yeah, you know.

Absolutely. Even the playing field. Yeah, it's like just the definition of crazy white boy. Jeffrey Dahmer is it. He is definitely the definition. But he's having sex with this Filipino boy. They're dancing on Mad Planet.

He takes him back to his apartment, Dahmer's apartment, drills a hole in his head, starts doing a whole bunch of different things to him. The guy escapes, and then the cops find him bleeding in the street. And then Dahmer's like, no, that's my boyfriend. And the cops are like, you know the gays.

You know, typical gay activity. This is how ignorant Milwaukee cops were and probably still are. So then they just sent him back with Jeffrey. So the cops literally... How? That is such a horrific... The truest tale of Texas Chainsaw I can think of. The guy got to the

cops. He was in safe arms And the cops gave him back to the serial killer That's fucking terrible I never even thought about it Did he take him to the hospital? No, no Gay kids don't go to the hospital They go with their boyfriends

I don't know what they were thinking Everybody knows that gay people heal faster Yeah, that's one of the side effects Wolverine, notoriously homosexual Fucking gay people couldn't get married, always getting made fun of, and also the most likely to be killed by a serial killer. Absolutely.

I think that's true. A lot of gay serial killers out there. Well, at least back in the 80s and 90s. It was a lot easier to do it then. Things are getting better for the gay victims of serial killers. Not so good for prostitutes, though. They're still very high on the serial killer hit list. Number one.

They still have to live in the shadows. Gay people are allowed to have fun now. I just like the idea that as civil rights in general get better, it also is reflected in the people who are targeted by serial killers. Exactly. If prostitution was legal, they would probably all be filed with the cops and everything. They would have to clock

into work like every 9-5-5 steel worker in Pittsburgh, and everyone would know where they were at all times. They couldn't just go away missing for three weeks at a time, living on that beautiful Long Island beach. Anyway, maybe they were just a whole bunch of prostitutes sunbathing. They were out there a couple hours too long. Or perhaps they were trying to bury themselves, like that fellow who set the world record for time underground.

Oh, this is awesome. Janaka Basnayake's world record attempt went tragically and terrifyingly wrong Saturday. The Sri Lankan man was attempting to set the record for the longest time spent buried alive, but he was pronounced dead shortly after being hung. So doesn't he win? He's going to spend eternity underground. What do they know? They get him out. No, no, no.

You guys don't even know the best part. The saddest part. This is the best part. It is not clear whether a record for longest time buried alive officially exists. And the thing is, this was the dude's third time doing it.

He did it for two hours one time and he did it for six hours. And he never registered. He never... So he already said it once, then he said it twice. You gotta train, man. You gotta train. Niggas is out there trying to do that.

Was he the only dude trying to do it? Yeah. Who wants to be buried alive? Who wants to have the scariest thing done to them for a world record? It's like the worst. Maybe he just hated his wife. I want to set the world record for most rapes done upon me.

He died at 35. It's terrible. But he's still the leader. This guy, he was buried 10 feet deep in a trench sealed with wood and soil around 9.30am and he was brought to the surface unconscious at 4pm.

That's a long time! I was going to say, it doesn't take that long. I figured it would be like days that he was doing that. Oh no, a few hours. Did he do a little straw? You gotta pick up a little straw for the sand to suck through? He wasn't in a coffin? That's from an episode of Saved by the Bell. I think it worked though.

I'm fairly certain it worked. It very well might be. Definitely when Screech is buried in the sand and Lisa brings him a grape soda to drink. So did Screech bury himself alive? No, this guy's Sri Lankan. Is that a country? Screech, Lankan.

Yeah, that's a country. Screech is Thai. Screech is Thai? Screech is Thai. What are you talking about? I don't is tight. What are you talking about? I don't even understand. What are you saying? Thailand, Sri Lanka, they're right next to it.

Oh, I see. Edit out. No. Mental note, edit out. You leave our shitty shit in. We leave your shit in. Yeah, man. All the emails are like, Marcus, you're so funny and you never say anything bad.

That's terrible. That sucks. It is awesome being me. World to world needs to know you'd be fucking up, man. Absolutely. Are there a lot of twin world records? I feel like you guys could have a hands up on that. You know, mostly just single person world records.

Any twin world records out there? I have no idea. What kind of question is that? Why do I know that? I mean, I don't know. It seems like an angle is that? I don't know that. I mean, I don't know. It seems like an angle they have. I can't do it. They read up on twin records.

Yeah, I don't think you just do twin research all the time. Are you kidding me? I look at whales. I watched a whole bunch of, what did we watch? Caiman fighting alligators. Similar research. No, no, no. Caiman alligators.

They were fighting jaguars. Interesting. Jaguars surprisingly win a lot. There you go. Alright, so no twin data, huh? I'm sure there's some twin records. Marcus, do we have any twin data? There's like fattest twins, I think is the big one. Are you guys the fattest twins?

No, no. See those monsters? The little buggies? The two fat white guys? Yeah, they ride motorcycles together, right? Yeah. Do they live in the backyard of Dan Aykroyd's mansion from Nothing But Trouble? That's a great reference. What was the name of them again?

Bobo and... Look that up. Look up everything. Look up everything twin. The only twin record that I can find is that Nigeria holds the record for most twins. Oh, I knew that. Really?

What do you mean you knew that? Where were you on twin records? I'm sitting over here on fucking ice freezing my cock off. Everyone's looking at me like I'm an asshole for asking twins about twin shit. I'm thinking like world's tallest twins or something. Oh, shit. I got a whole fuckload of them. All right.

All right. Good. Interesting. Finally. Yeah, world's oldest twins, 113. I think you guys can beat that. The tallest male twins in the world, 74. Oh, word?

Yeah. The shortest twins in the world, 210. Yeah, the longest. Kill him! Kill him! No, Eddie, don't kill him. He'll be dead soon enough. 210, for Christ's sake.

The heaviest twins, 723 pounds. Combined? No, 743 was one and 723 was the other. God damn it. If any of you knew, Robbie was never going to be as good as his older brother. That's sad. What's wrong with that one? Why can't he catch his older brother or younger brother with the weight?

He's the healthy one. I guess so. All twins are different. He had the pretzels without the cheese. Interesting. You guys should do like longest stand-up set as twins or something. There's a lot of things that you could do. You could do anything. You're like the guy

who buried himself alive. It's never been done before. I'm quite sure you can get a scholarship of some sort to pursue this stand-up. I'm pretty sure we're the first black twins with glasses to do stand up Let's call up Guinness I thought you were just going to stop At first black twins

Maybe but I don't think so Who is like your favorite twins You gotta have You gotta have a favorite twins It's nothing but twin questions I'm a big fan of when Jean-Claude Van Damme, he played twins in a movie. Oh, yeah, double impact.

Double impact. Does that count? He was dope as fuck. He had the ponytail and everything. I guess it counts. One of them had to fight Bolo, man. Bolo Yang. What was Bolo Yang?

Bolo Yang. He's the bad guy from Bloodsport. Oh, yeah. He killed the biker. Looks just like you, Eddie. Yeah, the biggest Chinese man ever. If I was Chinese and muscular and in shape, I'd look killed the biker. He looks just like you, Eddie. Yeah, the biggest Chinese man ever. If I was Chinese and muscular and in shape, I'd look like him. No, the biker.

Wow. Not Bolo. Yeah, you look like a biker. Oh, that guy. Yeah, I want to talk about Bolo, though. No, I know. I know you want to be Bolo, but you were the biker that got his ass kicked. Yeah, you were the biker that got murdered.

I was in the hospital, though, so at least I got to rest. There you go. That's a good point. The names of the Nothing But Trouble Twins? Bobo and Little Devil. Oh, Little Devil. I liked him the hospital, though, so at least I got to rest. There you go. That's a good point. The names of the Nothing But Trouble twins? Bobo and Little Devil. Oh, Little Devil. I liked him the best. The Tupac was in that movie.

Yeah, he was. Yeah, he sang. Shake of a Tail Feather. Yeah, I don't know if that was the right movie. What did they sing? They sang the Humpty. All Around the World, same song. All Around the World.

Yeah, yeah. That's fun. I haven't understood a word that's come out of your mouth in three and a half minutes. Nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. Rent it. It'll be a bad night for you and your lady. It's a great movie.

Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase. It's a movie like 40 times. It's great, man. No, I love that fucking movie. Chevy Chase. Demi Moore. Ben Aykroyd.

Tupac. John Candy. Tupac. Okay, I'm sold. That's an incredible... Star-studded. It is nowhere near as good as you think it's going to be. It's not a good movie.

It's pretty good. The bones slide when they slide down there. Oh, I'm in bones. I'm in bones. It's so weird, man. He's a rock. He wrote that. Bizarreness.

That Dan Aykroyd nose penis joke is hilarious. Dan Aykroyd's nose is the head of a cock. They stretch it out for the entire movie. It gets more and more cock-like in each shot. It's really beautiful. I wonder when you're on set and you just go, man, this movie is shit. I think it's when they're putting the fake penis nose on you.

You're like, I don't know. It's the one that the penis nose is being talked about for the fifth time. Or when they fall into the pile of bones after the horrifying rollercoaster ride they take. Yeah, he was like a month in. He was like, man, fuck. What are you doing? That was like one day we had an idea. We thought it was kind of funny.

We were laughing about it. Oh, so sad. Man, I went to see it in the theater. Oh, word. Bottle on VHS and and DVD and I hate it. I've seen it so many times. So have I, man. So many times.

I've struggled through that movie. I watched it over Christmas whenever I went and visited my parents. I saw it like two months ago. I would watch it like I remember it was always on. I would always watch the Sunday Saturday, Sunday afternoon movies because I was lonely. No on. I would always watch the Sunday, Saturday, Sunday afternoon movies, you know, because

I was lonely. No one wanted to bang out with the H-Bone. Oh, I wonder why. Yeah, yeah. No one wanted to chill with H-Dog. Maybe it's because you were dressing like a vampire and running down the streets. And I was like, this is the thing I do. Ah!

You know, I was like, what are that? So, yeah, I'd watch those movies. So many bad movies I've seen like 20 times because they were just on. Here's the official synopsis of Nothing But Trouble. A businessman finds he and his friends, the prisoners of a sadistic judge and his equally odd family in the backwoods

of a bizarre mansion. Backwoods. That sounds like a good movie. Someone should remake that film. Oh, God. They should remake it. Oh, yeah, and Tupac's in it. Oh, what if he returns in Nothing But Trouble 2?

They could remake it shot for shot, like that Psycho movie. Yeah. Yeah, the tagline? All they wanted was a little getaway. All they got was nothing but trouble. Oh, the movie writes itself. That's also the logline. Wow.

Well, we should watch it immediately. We've got to end the show right now. We've got a date with destiny. Alright. Do you guys want to know trivia? I kind of want to listen to Ben struggle from it. I could talk. This movie, Dan Aykroyd's directorial debut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely was. He played two parts. Interesting. Director? Judge and Little Devil. No, that was John Candy. John Candy played three parts. Interesting.

Man, Dan Aykroyd and John Candy and it was still that movie. Holy shit! It's based on Dan Aykroyd's personal Candy. And it was still that movie. It's based on Dan Aykroyd's personal experiences. In 1978, he was pulled over for speeding in a rural town in the northeastern United States. The police officer took him to the local Justice of the Peace in the middle of the night for a trial. That is so fucking boring. Interesting, though. Thanks for a good podcast.

Dan Aykroyd's a fucking lunatic. I'm going to let this ball drop like a thousand times. Nothing But Trouble! A bad movie that came out years ago. I think it's the first time we've ever even talked about a movie. And we all don't like it. No, it's a bad movie. Nothing But Tr trouble is clearly

our quicksand. I don't know how to get out of it. This conversation is just... The conversation you guys just had is the conversation that people who aren't in front of microphones have about movies. Here's some trivia for it. Here's the IMDB page.

But we just left it rolling, which is fine. What are you saying? You don't like the show, Molly? Who was in it again? Oh my God. Move on, Marcus. Do something with a news program or a story. Maybe something that was killed recently. You guys want to hear about a nursing home fire?

Yes. Oh, Jesus. Shut up, Molly. You're derailing the show. Damn, Molly, why you gotta be a girl and shit, man? Alright, Ohio fire officials responding to a

routine nursing home fire found a most unusual... A routine nursing home fire. It happened all the time. The defibrillator was on. They found a most unusual cause behind the blaze, a secret meth lab in the room of a nursing home resident Dude, I was about to say

Meth is a joke too Man, Ohio's great Yeah, and let's see here The cops walked in and they said When we first started to get the indications We all sort of looked at each other and went Are we seeing what we think we're seeing? Were the old people doing the meth?

No, it was the 31 year old-old dude. He was not a resident at the home and police are still trying to determine who created the drug lab. Was he giving it to the seniors? They must have been having a great time. He was in Cleveland. Okay. Can you imagine?

Going to nursing homes is so unpleasant. Can you imagine a nursing home filled with all those old people all jacked up on meth? And then the incontinence, right, where you just poo-poo yourself? That is a nightmare. I can't imagine anything scarier than that. I guess it's very similar to, what's that, Happy Gilmore, the nursing home that he puts his grandmother in. Remember this one?

Yeah, I remember that movie. No, I've heard Happy Gilmore. Remember the film Happy Gilmore? Who's in that one, Ben? All right, Adam Sandler's in it. That was a fun one. That was a fun one. But the woman that jumps on the car, she's like, get me out of here.

I imagine the nursing home was like, because of the crystal meth. Remember that part when the golf ball hit the alligator? That's funny. That's funny. What movie was it where Chevy Chase was driving down? He wanted to go on a fun family vacation. But then all he found was nothing but trouble. It's not a big crazy vacation time.

Oh, I like that one. Did you guys know that Carl Weathers looks like Kevin who hit the golf ball? I think that's true. Marcus pointed at Kevin. Because he said the thing about the alligator And the ball Fucking racist

He only has one hand as well Carl Weathers was a professional football player Before becoming an Yeah So was Al Bundy Al Bundy was a professional? Yeah he played for the Browns for three years Never really got in

I love how similar that is to the show That's great Bundy was a professional? Yeah, he played for the Browns for three years. Never really got in, but he was on the squad. Interesting. I love how similar that is to the show. That's great. That's the fifth drop so far. This is a rollercoaster ride. Did you see, it was related to that story. There was a thing where there's a 3 there's a 3,500 year old tree. Oh, that was up next. Oh, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The woman, there was a 3,500 year old tree. They called it the Senator. It was a gigantic cypress. They didn't think that arson was the cause of the fire at first, but once they looked into it more they found that Sarah Barnes, 26, was charged with setting the fire that burned the 3,500-year-old

tree because she told police she did so in order to better see the drugs she was about to take. I like her! She couldn't see how she was doing her meth, so she lit the tree on fire and then just took a video of it. This is in Orlando?

This is, yeah, in Orlando. It was like the oldest tree in Florida or something, too, right? Wow a video of it. This is in Orlando? This is, yeah, in Orlando. It was like the oldest tree in Florida or something too, right? Wow. God damn it, Sarah Barnes. Meth looks like a tree on fire? Is that what it's supposed to look like? When you're on acid, fire is awesome. Yeah. A tree like that is not allowed

to exist in Florida because everyone knows the people in Florida. This is what happens to things like that. Florida can't have good things. I can't believe it lasted this long. I think the next oldest tree was like a thousand years younger than it. A thousand years younger, yes.

Fifteen hundred years younger. It's called Lady Liberty. Very nice. The other tree? Put a fence around it. Put a fence around it. They are planning on putting a $30,000 fence around Lady Liberty. Wow. Sounds like I run Florida. That's the thing.

That wasn't actually in the article before you said it. It was in the article immediately. Very creepy stuff. I also am not certain that you're not going to call that Sarah lady And ask her out on a date though Eddie Oh man she's got more drugs Oh she's doing meth? Yeah

Oh I don't do meth No one does meth Lucas Brothers what was the drugs you liked to do back in the day or currently? Currently Definitely acid But weed is the number one Yeah weed is the number one drug Is, weed is the number one drug. Is weed counted as a drug anymore?

Technically, it does. You can still get arrested for it. That's true. I can't believe salvia is legal. Not anymore. Not in New York. Oh, really? It was until like last... Hey, what's up with that fake weed in all the bodegas now? What's going on with that shit? I don't know.

Apparently, it gets you a little loopy. Have you guys ever seen Super High Me? That is a good movie. That's a good one. Doug Benson was just driving down the road. He was just going to have a good time on a vacation. But then all he found was nothing but trouble. I mean,

one of my favorite films. Do you guys know that 70% of all conjoined twins are girls? Oh, well you guys proved that point. Am I right? That's funny. Wait, no, not conjoined. You guys aren't conjoined. I guess if you hold hands. They're not conjoined, nor are they girls.

Well, no, I was calling them girls. He was calling us a girl. That was the fucking girl thing. It fell flat, though, man. You know, both of my parents are twins. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, with the opposite sex. Both of them.

Really? Does that mean I'm going to have twins? Do you guys know? Do you have any information on that? I heard it skips a whatever. I don't know if that's true. It would be your kids, right? My kids going to have twins?

You're going to have two of them? Well, I'm not going to have kids. Yeah, you are. That is so infertile. I don't know. Yeah, I don't think. My cum's green Yeah He worked in a lab

For like a few years So you're gonna have Like ninja turtles man If you guys could be Conjoined by any body part What would it be? Dick to ass Ass to mouth

Not if you could But if you had to be If you had to be conjoined That was the first choice I'll go I'll go with the pinky We can get pinky Not if you could, but if you had to be. If you had to be conjoined. That was the first choice. I'll go with the pinky. Yeah, something that's not too crazy that can be separated easily. It can't be separated.

That's part of the deal. Pinky, probably. I feel like this is the premise of that terrible film. What was it stuck on you? It was a great movie. It was about twins. They were connected to each other by the hip. Who's in that movie, Ben?

What happened was they were just trying to go on a family vacation. They were just driving down the road. Cut him off. Edit this out. All they ran into was nothing but trouble. Edit it out. It was wild. It was a good movie, though.

I loved it. You guys want to know a bunch of movies with twins in them? There's The Prince and the Pauper. The Dark of the Mirror. Let's try to name them. The Parent Trap. Okay, we'll try to name them. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Just try to name them. We've got Parent Trap. Yeah. And the remake. The remake. Double Impact. Double Impact Twins, yeah. Seven Mary-Kate and Ashley movies.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, more than that. right. More than that. They don't count those. What was that movie with Christian Bale? The Illusionist. The Illusionist and The Prestige? They came out at the same time. This website hasn't been updated since 2000.

Yeah, it doesn't look very popular. There's no movies on it. This is like the GeoCities website That Marcus has This is twinsworld.com You guys ever been there? Oh man you forgot twins I thought it was identical twins Not fraternity

No just twins Do you identify yourself more as twins or black? Which one? If someone says something anti-twin Are you more offended than if someone says something anti-black? It's definitely more twins. Oh yeah, it's twin shit man. I mean, racism hasn't been around for like 30 years.

Really? Yeah, what is niggas? Yeah, niggas is just... Yeah, yeah man, yeah. I'm like, oh, I love it. I'm a ghost guy. I usually just enjoy sucking on ice cream cones. Apples and oranges for me out here. Anyway, I'm going to go play a game of lacrosse.

All right. You guys want to go camping? Good. I love camping. My head's about to explode. Oh, I do, too. Let it drop. All right. All right.

All right. And this is a story that was brought to my attention by Eddie, actually. Oh, yeah. Someone posted it on my Facebook wall. All right. I'm a big fan of the show, and they wanted us to read about this. I do want to know. You guys lived together for ten years in the same room? Longer than that.

So do you ever, like, do you you guys like, how close are you? They are. With the jacket off. This is the closest that any man could get. I always imagine. And not being gay,

like this is the closest. Well, you can't be gay, it's illegal. I feel like you guys are closer than most gay couples I've known.

Of course they are, they love each other. I mean, you have one Facebook that just says Lucas Brothers. That's for business purposes. This is something Of course they are. They love each other. I mean, you have one Facebook. It just says Lucas Brothers. That's for business purposes.

This is something that Ben in particular and lots of other comedians are obsessed with. When comedians have siblings, they always want to know if they've had sex. This has happened to me. No, I don't. I just, no. It's because, first of all, I don't want to think of them having sex. I want to think of him on the bottom bun jacking off and him on the top bun jacking off. But I want to think of you and John having sex because you're a woman. No.

the bottom button jacket off and him on the top button jacket off, but I want to think of you and John having sex because you're a woman. So you're just saying you just want to think of me having sex with a man. Or John. Whichever one. I just don't understand why anytime two people are in the same room

and they're related and they're in a room with comedians immediately, or not immediately, after, you know, 20 minutes, somebody's gonna ask a question about how many genitals have been out in the room at the same time. But you gotta be strategic about it. You do. Yeah, when we were younger, like, you couldn't, like, we didn't have, like, internet porn

and nothing like that. Right. Yeah. We had to, like, we were in the same room, so we had to, like, you know. Did you guys share magazines and stuff? Share the same porno mags? Yeah, I mean I share magazines with my friends It's just like two best friends who look alike almost and hang out all the time. It's a little weird Sounds like a great premise for a film where you guys are just trying to go on vacation.

But then all you find is nothing but trouble. You can't go! I'm going to fucking throw you down the stairs. All right, what am I doing? And then there's the Batman case and the Shining. Oh, yeah, the Shining. The Shining, the best twins. Big business. So a 33-year-old San Diego area woman died early this morning when a cannonball fired by a man who was either her husband or her boyfriend slammed into her mobile home.

So her husband or boyfriend killed her with a cannonball. How did he get the fucking wooden ship on land? He made the whole thing himself. It was makeshift artillery. He should have put himself into the cannon and shot himself at her. Ooh, that's romantic. Very romantic. I just have to say, if you find your husband building a cannon for years,

pointed straight at the chair you always sit in, I would essentially just kind of call it a no-go and get the old divorce. He's just sitting in a chair like, this is just another one of those stupid projects he's not going to finish. You're never going to finish it! You're never going to finish it! You're never going to finish it!

You're never going to finish it! That sounds amazing. Every day, this stupid bitch is going to see she's going to see what I can't do. She's working in the garage all day. So what's going to happen to this dude? Well, it is said that alcohol may have played a role in the incident.

Oh, right. He liked experimenting with guns, and it looks like his experiment went bad. Oh, it went very well. He shot her with a cannon. How could it have gone any better? Definitely succeeded. I'm sure the bomb squad was called out. I mean, he's definitely charged with murder. Yeah, no, naturally.

Is it murder or manslaughter? I mean, what if it's an accident? What if he's just quitting? He's just quitting this cannon! It happens all the time. That's true. This is one of the most unique ways I've heard of a spouse killing another one. Yeah, it happens. It happens all the time. That's true. It's one of the most unique ways I've heard of a spouse killing another one.

I love it. Yeah. Was she standing directly in front of the cannon? Oh, no. She was inside their trailer. I don't even know what happened. So he went off by accident.

What was the deal with it? Well, they don't actually know exactly what happened as far as, you know, did he mean to kill her? Did he not mean to kill her? But he was definitely arrested. So it probably means he meant to kill her. She was inside

of the trailer. It was like 12, 15 or it was about midnight. She was inside the trailer, which is a very nice Dutchman trailer. It's got solar panels and everything. These people knew what they were doing. But three adults were in the trailer and the four-year-old daughter. Oh, man, that's reckless as hell.

Now it's reckless, Eddie? There's a kid in there. Oh, my God. Your moral code is fucking so bizarre. I agree with Eddie completely. Killing women is just thrilling for you guys. Oh, why does it have to be a woman? Yeah, we were talking about it

It's about a woman that killed her Go fire Eddie Brill again Jesus Christ I'm not gonna sit here And be accused of sexism From some bitch on my show No, I'm just joking That's alright, we love women

Now I've gotta go build a cannon Whoa, no, no on my show. No, I'm just joking. That's not right. We love women. We love women. Now I've got to go build a cannon. Whoa, no, no. I'm just joking. You know where she lives, right? I do. I'm going to look out

my fucking window. I live on the first floor now. I just moved. I'm going to look out and I'm going to open my window and just see Ben Kissel in a fucking homemade cannon in my window.

It's going to be really good cover at that park across the street. Do they have a picture of the cannon? Do they have a picture? No, they just have a picture of the trailer. I. It's going to be a really good cover at that park across the street. Do they have a picture of the cannon? Like, do they have a picture? No, they just have a picture of the trailer. I mean, he had to wheel this thing from God knows how far away. I mean, the dude put in a lot of work, though.

He made the powder from fireworks. From fireworks. I respect his gangsta, man. That's my gangsta, man. Actual cannon. I like it. This dude did it, man. And so what is a cannon?

You just have the... You mean, you just seen a fucking cartoon? Yeah. Oh, well, thanks, Eddie. That explains it all. You put the fucking big circle into the hole, and you light the match fuse, and it blows out into the person.

Thank you, Holden. You're welcome. Science Corner with Holden McNeely. Next week, we'll learn how to roll a joint. Science Corner with Holden McNeely. Next week we'll learn how to roll a joint. It seems like this was an accident. Yeah, he was treated and released from a hospital because he also injured his leg and he was full of shrapnel. He was booked on charges of willfully and maliciously exploding

or igniting a destructive device or explosive causing death. See, man, I hope that his original goal was to outfit his trailer with the cannon so he could drive around and be in a gang and call his trailer boss level. Everyone's trying to jump on top of it. That would be great. All right, there it was. What's up, Eddie? I got a story I want to tell everyone. It's one of the funniest stories I heard

in a long time at the poorhouse. Alright, so I just came back in from town and as soon as I go back into work, it's 10 o'clock in the morning, my eyes are hurting me. There's two detectives out the door. Your eyes are hurting you You guys eyes don't hurt when you wake up?

No God damn it You slept on my couch last night by the way Your snoring was really, it was nice Thank you My eyes hurt too man, all the time I don't got no neck, my knees are fucked up My stomach hurts, it's bad

I thought you were great Nah, we're dying together, man. So there's two detectives walk in, and I'm just like, hey, what can I do you guys for? And he's like, I saw someone was stabbed on the corner last night. Do you think we can go look at the footage? I was like, absolutely. So I go to him and he says, I'm so excited. I feel like I'm in an episode of CSI.

We go in there, and we find, I'm looking, and we don't have a good view of it. And so I'm like, ah, fuck, and we don't know what's going on. I forgot to ask if he died, because I'm an idiot. Yeah. And so I go over to Webster Hall,

because it was overflow from Webster Hall hip-hop night, which is always extremely dangerous. Naturally. The overflow was very dangerous for people who weren't allowed into the concert. That's bad.

So basically, I asked the guy from Webster Hall, I'm like, yeah, someone, one of your people got fucking stabbed on my corner last night. What happened? He's like, oh man, he totally deserved it. I was like, what? What do you mean he deserved it? He's like, well, he picked a fight

with seven people. Lord knows what he was on. They all beat the shit out of him and threw him in the street. And then he got hit by a car. And then after he got hit by the car He got up and tried to fight him again So they just stabbed him It's like a fucking Is this like what happens in Grand Theft Auto?

Dude this is what happened to fucking Rasputin That's the thing And it was just so weird because that guy was just trying to go on a pleasant vacation You know Why don't you go on a pleasant vacation. Why didn't he go see a hip-hop show? And then all he found was nothing but trouble. Segment from Holden McNeil. Alright.

Dirty trivia. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Don't touch me. Alright, so it's going to be an elimination situation. Probably. Unless everybody gets everything right, which would be sad. And then I just decide who goes away. There you go. So we'll start with Kevin.

We'll just go round robin around the room. All right, Kevin. It's multiple choice, by the way, people. You relax a little bit there. All right. In ancient Greece, women showed their pussies off to ward off what? Oh, wow. A. Evil spirits.

B. Storms at sea. C. Syphilis. Or D. Ben Kissel. We know it's not storms at sea. Wait, it was storms at sea, what? It's evil spirits, storms at sea, syphilis, or It was Storms at Sea It's Evil Spirits, Storms at Sea Syphilis or

Ben Kissel C and D are sort of a dance together Storms at Sea Correct Very good Any rationale behind that? Very good No background to any of this.

I had to get it all together at the end of work today. All right, Ben. Masturbation is more common for... A. Blue-collar workers. B. Housewives. C. White-collar workers. Or D. Ben Kissinger. All right. Ben Kissel. Alright.

So, I am the closest thing that I can think of. I mean, the issue with this is that it's a joke answer, but it's probably the right answer because of the... Well, it's either housewives or me. They pretty much live the life of a housewife. I take care of three dogs all day.

I'm going to say housewives who masturbate the most. Wrong. Can I guess? Yes. White-collar workers. Correct. Yeah! That's not what it goes to.

Those guys sitting in there, yeah, they sit at home. They're furious. They're very angry. They think they have a lot of power. Check off at work. Their dicks are hard all the time. Blue-collar workers can't beat off at work as easily, I feel like. No, the more power a guy has, the harder his dick is all the time.

Yes, that's true. That's true. All right. The next one for the Lucas brother named Keith. Keith. Good job, man. You're figuring this out. All right.

Dishabiliophobia. Oh, come on. Oh, fuck, dude. Is the fear of what? Dishabophobia is a fear of what? Dishabilophobia is a fear of what? Turning into a human penis A. B. Breaking your dick which happens, by the way.

It does. C. Undressing in front of someone or D. Having sex with Ben Kissel. That seems ridiculous. Oh, man. I'm going to go with B. What was B again? Breaking your dick.

Oh, no, no, no. Not that one. Shit. Turning into a human penis. Breaking your dick. Undressing in front of someone. Or having sex with Ben Kissel. I'm going with C.

Undressing with someone? Correct. Wow. Man. I read a study recently that men who break their dick the most are people who are cheating on their spouses. Why? Because they're having a different kind of sex than they've been used to having. Crazy ass sex.

Because they're slamming too hard. Yeah. Well, no, no. I think it happens more often with the chick on top. The chick on top jumping up and down on the guy. That's a thing that men say when they don't like women on top.

Men don't like women on top as much. I love it. You're dating the wrong people. I gotta make some changes in my life. I take it back. Whatever that happens, you do you.

I'm gonna sit back and chill. I love it. Alright, Luka's brother number two. Kenny, right? Fantastic. Temporary impotence is caused more by what two things? Mountain dew and crack.

Cigarette smoking and tight pants. by what two things? Mountain Dew and crack, cigarette smoking and tight pants, hot tubs and tequila, or old age and Ben Kissing? Alright. Impotence. Temporary impotence

is caused more by what two things? You know what? Since I don't know, I'm going to go with D, Old Age and Ben Kissel. Incorrect. Is it joke answer? It's actually cigarette smoking and tight pants.

So hipsters are limp. Yeah, hipsters are super fucking limp. That's probably why they don't want you on top. And I'm probably kind of limp their situation. Because I smoke and I have tight Molly. I'm probably kind of limp there, situation. Because I smoke and I have tight pants. Is it easier to go limp if the girl's on top? No, but hipsters, if you don't have a boner, they can't maintain.

Well, yeah, but I'm not stupid enough to get on top of a guy who doesn't have a boner. Are you sure? Have you seen the boys? That you like to date? Those hipsters. I'm looking at your microphone. Yeah. How, uh,

oh, this is actually for Molly. How long after penetration do 75% of men ejaculate? Oh. Wow. Three minutes. Is it my experience or in general? Uh, probably both.

You've got a lot of experience. Yeah. You just call me a slut? Just average it out. Three minutes. Thirty minutes. And we know that's not true. Five minutes.

Or one hour. Five. Incorrect. Three minutes. Three? Yeah, that was my second guess. Three minutes. Really? Has a man ever came second guess. Three minutes. Really?

Has a man ever came in three minutes? Yes. Wow. Less, in fact. Well, whenever you don't think you're beautiful, just remember that. You are. It's true. Ugly gals, they have sex for hours.

Ed Larson. What's up, Ed? The nicest thing you've ever said to me. I love you, Molly. I want to marry you. Ed Larson. What's up, Ed? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I love you, Molly. I want to marry you. Ed Larson. Who invented the French tickler? Is it A, Pierre Shithead?

B, Francois Lalone? C, a Tibetan monk? Or D, all of Ben Kissel's ex-girlfriends? What the fuck? It's gotta be Francois Toccolo. Francois Lalone? Lalone, yeah. Is that your final answer?

Guessing by you asking, I'm going to go Tibetan monk. Yes, correct. Wow. That is a tell. Correct. Is that the last round? A Tibetan monk. What's the French tickler?

A French tickler. Oh, Lord. Jesus. You never gotten one? I don't know. It's something you put on your dick. It's a plastic cock ring that's kind of spiked. It gives extra goods.

It's just a cock ring? It's a cock ring, but it's got little spines. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It sounds terrifying. It doesn't have a battery in it? Some of them do, yes. If a monk invented it, it couldn't't have a battery in it? Some of them do, yes. If a monk invented it, it couldn't have had a battery in it. Well, I mean, things have evolved over...

Yeah, you know. People invented the wheel, now we have cars. Same thing. I thought monks were celibate. I mean, maybe... Yeah, that's true. Alright, so who's the down between? It's between Kevin and Eddie

I got one man I'm sorry Alright For the possibly final rounds Kevin Besides the genitals and the breasts What other body part also swells During intercourse

Is it the tongue, the nose, Ben's penis, or the belly button? Oh, that's a tough one. Well, I mean, is Ben's penis still a joke question? I mean...

It's sort of a situation where I feel like he has a sensor. If any of us are having intercourse, his penis becomes a rack. But it is a joke question. The tongue, or answer. The tongue, the nose, Ben's penis, or the belly button? Oh, shit, man.

The tongue. Fucking A, it's the nose. That is so weird. It's because your tongue makes sense. The tongue makes a lot of sense. That is weird, man. That's crazy. I didn't know that.

All right. Yeah, man. I'm going to fucking nose some girls. You can do a thing with a nose. You can. Usually in buzz boogers. Keep talking. I mean, Mark.

You put your nose in a girl and you blow. Well, there's... It's called a little jacuzzi. Alright, the next question. You ready? I'm ready, man. They actually make special underwear for people who pass gas a lot. Oh, really?

They are called A. Ed's Pants. B. Insular innerwear C Farty pants Or D Arid underwear

I decided B or D Ed's pants Insular innerwear Farty pants Or arid underwear I'm going to go with D I got one wrong I'm going to go with B.

I got one wrong. I'm going to go with B. Which was insular underwear. It is farty pants. What? These people have to have a sense of humor. No fucking way. That's true. Farty pants.

Farty pants? Isn't that crazy? That's crazy, man. Oh, man, I can take this home. You can? Well, no, KP got it right. No, you got it wrong. Oh, man.

Well, we missed this. White power! This is the top one here. Okay, well, this is hard. All right, why don't we go that far? What? What'd I say? All right.

It's fine. Good Christ. Can't we just play one game that's not racially motivated for you mentally? Alright, are you ready, Ed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blanks have the smelliest farts. Their farts are believed to be a major

contributor towards global warming. You're gonna know this. It's a tough question, Ed. It's A. Bears. B. Ed at the end of a Kissel Barnett human centipede. It's nice. You got everybody in there.

C. Termites. Or D. Gorillas. And may I point out, Holden spelled gorillas wrong. Yeah, definitely. Okay, interesting. Okay, interesting. Oh, man. I don't know why I thought

it was penguins. I don't know either. So it's bears and gorillas and the other two are jokes? Is that what it was? Termites. No, no, no. Bears, gorillas, termites, or Ed at the end of a Kissel Barnett Human Centipede.

I'm going to go Termites. Correct! Oh! Eddie Larson, round rack! Tribute champion! Congratulations! Oh my goodness. All of us just came here on a vacation.

Nothing but trouble. Hello. Okay. Let's go home. Nothing but Trump Hello Okay Let's go home This has been the greatest round table of gentlemen of all time Thank you so much Molly Neffel for being here Thank you for having me Congratulations Edward How do you feel after your big win?

Used to winning Oh Okay Yeah you can do the fucking job It's not the kind of answer we want We like to turn it into like You know Happy

It's good Tells mom answer we want. We like to be mumble. You know, happy, tell his mom and all that. Fuck that nigga, man. Hold him in the alley, Kevin Barnett. You were great, Kevin, too, in that trivia contest. I was killing it for a minute, man. Representing. Anything you want to say to Edward? No other than fuck that nigga and his stupid face

and all of the white people he associates with. Hey, hey, hey. All right, well, okay. and his stupid face and all of the white people he associates with. Ooh. Hey, hey, hey. All right, well, okay. I think we learned that all the white dudes in this room today, they really need to be taken into account. He said people. He did not say dudes.

We're all on the same list. Kevin, I'm okay, right? Nah. Oh, I'm with you on that one, Kevin. And the liberal is smacked down. Alright, Molly. You're beautiful. You're a phoenix. You'll rise from these ashes. Thank you so much, Lucas

Brothers, for being here. You guys were wonderful. Thanks for having us. This has been great. Free beer, baby. Appreciate it, guys. Alright, well, we'll talk to you soon. Everybody suck a dick except for Lucas Brothers. That's very weird. Sucking dicks.