The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 89: Best Friends In Heaven

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table, a man is killed by beans, a woman is killed by a chainsaw, Germany's most famous bunny is killed by a cameraman, and the Dictator of the Round Table is chosen, plus Henry Zebrowski returns and Amber Nelson comes in to class the place up.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Awwww! Alright, we're ready to go. Thank you.

I don't feel good. That's why I said you look good. You have been touching your breasts today all day. I've been hanging out with you since 4pm and you've done nothing but touch your breasts all day. The other day I had a shirt and every time I touch my breasts

the buttons would pop open at work. Now it's time for that shirt to go back in the closet. And he prays. In the name of the Father and the Son, make sure you touch yourself while I pray. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. My breasts are bouncing. Amen. Dear God, I woke up with a cold this morning.

Whoa! Wah! You're like one of those invisible children. And I just was curious why you would let me live in a world where I could have a cold. If you were a decent God, I'd be well.

He's so mad at God. You know, what happened in Coney too Where were you on that for a long time In that video those kids made And they're all dancing around for no reason You mean Coney Island Yes that huge island called Africa

Eddie tackling the tough issues Do some better work God In the name of the Father And the Son And the Holy Spirit Amen Tackling the tough issues. Do some better work, God. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. So you equated genocide with your cold that you woke up with this morning. Very nice, Ed. Welcome to the Roundtable.

It's on the mind, bro. Welcome to the Roundtable. Who is everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski. Eeyah! Eeyah! Donkey in the room. Ed Larson. Roundtable. Who is everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski. Donkey in the room. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett.

I'm Ben Kissel. In the Chuckle Hub, we've got two all-stars. We've got Henry Zabrowski. Hey, I'm back! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I did that. It was good. And Amber Nelson. Thanks for being here, Amber. Oh, yeah! I want to hug you both so much. All right. I still want to hug Amber more.

No, I would rather hug you on account that... It's like a Kool-Aid thing. Yeah. You got the fat to make my dick hard. You know, where I want to put my penis. All right. With us as always, Marcus Parks. Always want to stick my dick in him.

Okay. Good. What do you got? Do you have news stories? I do. An earless baby bunny that was a rising star on Germany's celebrity animal scene had his 50 minutes of fame brought to an abrupt end

when he was accidentally stepped on by a television cameraman. Where's the rabbit? I can't find him. Where's the rabbit? Where's the rabbit? Oh, no. I wish that could happen to Whitney Cummings. You should have worn the snow boots to work. Man, that fucking...

How is the deformed rabbit the star of German television? Did you see the rabbit? It's adorable. Look at it. It's got no ears. The cutest part of a rabbit. It looks like a big gerbil. Gerbils are very cute. Yeah, but it's a rabbit! It looks like a big gerbil! Gerbils are very cute. It looks like one of those KFC chickens

without a beak. They just murder immediately. I feel so bad for this cameraman. I would assume he had to get fired. He killed the star. You've got to get fucking rid of this guy. I'm sure that a cameraman did something very similar during the filming of Mission Impossible 3

to Tom Cruise. He just stepped on him and found him on the bottom of his shoe. Here's how it actually happened. The cameraman hadn't seen, and by the way, the bunny's name is Till. Oh, that's nice. Till had buried himself

in hay when the cameraman took the fateful step backward. Zoo director Uwe Dimpevold tells Spiegel magazine Till didn't... He's a German! He told the magazine that Till didn't suffer, quote, it was a direct

hit. Right to the brain! What the fuck does Spiegel mean? I always thought that was just a made-up word to sound German. No, it means newspaper. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. He didn't have any ears. He didn't know he was coming. I know.

You can't hear. The fucking zoo handler's the one who should be taking the blame on this. He's just letting it play in hay and not keeping watch on it. That's his whole fucking job. Get this fucking hay wrangler on the goddamn phone putting hay everywhere because bunnies nestle in hay. Do they? Apparently.

Apparently they do, yeah. That's the thing. If you're going to have bunny on set, you need to have rubber hay. It's kind Apparently they do, yeah. That's the thing. If you're going to have a bunny on set, you need to have rubber hay. It's kind of a new thing. Everybody knows it. Was this bunny deaf or it just didn't have ears? It just didn't have ears.

I bet you it had. Was everything really loud or not as loud? They don't really go into that. We'll never know. Amber, if you could get inside the brain of the bunny, how do you think you'd hear? I think everything would be sort of like a tunnel. Like you're in a tunnel and you hear it.

Loud, but not loud. Kind of muffled and loud. Just lots of like, where are my steppers? That's what I hear every time Holden has sex with this lady when I'm jacking off in the living room. Where are my carrots? Where are my carrots? Holden's always asking for his carrots. I'm going to give you the carrots. I'm going to give you the carrots.

I'm going to give you the carrots. Oh, I just wish you'd be like a bunny with no ears. And she's like, uh, uh. I tell you what, I thought I found a carrot. Ended up taking a bite out of my own cock. Got to turn those lights on when you plan to eat and fuck. That is Holden's lesson for the day.

Tune in next week where we'll talk about Gah! I guess this happens. When I was growing up, during fall, when all the trees lose their leaves, there's always a season. Is that right? Yeah, when the leaves fall off the trees.

That's fall? Yes. Or the apocalypse. What's that? Or the apocalypse. That's true. That's when the trees melt. Every year there's a story about kids burrowing in the leaves

and their father runs over them with the family for it. I don't think the dad is. You've heard stories like that. I had a great story, a good farm story. There was a kid hiding in a wood chipper playing hide and go seek. Good place to hide. And the dad turned it on and his fucking kid's shoe fell out the bottom of it.

So he found the kid. So he's the winner of the game. Yeah, the kid now has a bench and a park. Very nice. An idiot kid hiding in the wood chipper. A lot of kids do that. Some kids hide in washing machines and then they turn on the washing machines or in the dryer. You can hide it in a freezer. You'll die

then too. One kid hid it in a microwave. How? He just was very small. He hid in there and nobody found him and they found him like a year later after he was missing. And he was a bowl of chili. Bones and rotted flesh. I think someone was just playing hide and seek with a baby that couldn't walk or talk

and they just put it in the microwave. There's actually a story. A mother killed their kid that way a couple of years back, put it in the microwave and turned it on. I don't know how long it takes. Maybe there's a pre-setting. Three minutes on high. Yeah, so you put it on the same setting as day-old pizza. You hit number four, and it goes for two minutes and 50 seconds.

That's the nastiest, most nonsensical way to kill your kid. I mean, you're just making it gross for yourself. Just take it and throw it away. You don't have to open up the microwave. I put things in the microwave for like five minutes and then eat them, but if I went in the microwave for five minutes, I'd explode. That's insane.

Well, here's what the story was talking about. The woman's name was Mirabel Taulo. Of course. Why of course? This is in Sacramento. The woman's name was Mirabel Taulo. Of course. Of course. Why of course? This is in Sacramento, California. They said the baby died from extensive thermal injuries.

You mean it was in a microwave for too long. It was cooked to death. It was cooked to death. And this is one of three baby in the microwave murders lately. One happened in Dayton, Ohio, one in Galveston, Texas, and one in New Kent County, Virginia. All shitty fucking places.

I can kind of see why they would do it. You know what I mean? Because kids are a huge responsibility. They wake you up at night. What if you didn't really want it? Right. And you just wake up one night and you're like, I want to fucking murder you

in the worst way possible. You know? I want to fucking murder you in the worst way possible. I want to put you in a goddamn microwave. I would drown it in the bathtub. You put him in a microwave, you ruined your microwave. Drown it in the bathtub. Oh, I was giving it a bath. It accidentally drowned.

It makes sense, though, that when you're pregnant, they call it a bun in the oven. After it's born, what do you do with something that needs to be reheated? Drown it. Put it in the microwave. You drown it. You always drown it. If I was going to kill my baby, I would just be driving down the highway, going to a fucking

Skinner concert, Skiver cover band concert, fucking throw it out the window where you're going 110 on the freeway. But someone's definitely going to find it. I'd probably feed it. It might not die. It's going to die. I'd feed it to a pack of pigs. That's the best way to take it.

Very Hannibal-like. Just let him eat it. The body's disposed of so nobody will know. They snore for that shit. I think it's kick-ass where the bad guy puts his enemies in a large human microwave, isn't it? That's pretty great. What were you going to say?

You pit your baby against another baby in a sort of baby cage fight. Do you give them little razors? Yeah, I was going to say that. You glue razors to their bodies. Yeah, just like cockfighting. Exactly like it. But you just throw them at each other,

let them fall into each other. Then you're just throwing babies. Where was that episode of Rugrats? That would have been fucking awesome. That would have been great. The Thunderdome episode of Rugrats? Yeah. This one's got the mind of a child.

It's a baby. You can get off completely innocent and have your baby fight a baby gorilla. Clearly, the baby gorilla's gonna win. She's like, I'm not a fucking biologist. I have no idea. Speaking of babies, what's the difference gonna win. She's like, I'm not a fucking biologist. I have no idea. Speaking of babies, what's the difference between Snooki's womb

and a dumpster in Atlanta? There's an alive baby in the dumpster. All right. Look at the laughter, Marcus. Hear the laughter. It's fine. It's a good joke. I like it. It's a fine joke, Ben. I like it. Thank you. All right. Moving on. Moving on. Colorado police. It's a fine joke, Ben. I like it. Thank you. All right, moving on.

Moving on. Colorado police. She's like a mother, though. She is a mother. She's going to be a mother. Do you think she should put her baby in the microwave? She should have fucking ripped that shit out of her the second she knew that it had been conjured up.

She was already six months pregnant by then. I know. Isn't that ridiculous? She's like already showing. Do you guys... She just found out that she's going to be a child. Well, she found out a month, a month in, and she said that she was drinking the entire time.

Does a fetus, can it already be, you know, fetally alcoholized? Yeah. If the fetus is a pussy. Right. My aunt was drinking and smoking her whole pregnancy.

I mean, granted her kid turned out to be a real piece of shit because his mom was the type that didn't care, but he was fully functional with his brain and his fingers. Really? How about his knees? How about his knees and his toes? We gotta get back to some of this

40s science. This 1940s science. I mean, it was more fun back then, just in general, by the way we were learning. If you were a pediatrician, what would you do to a nice child in the 40s? If I were a pediatrician, I'd probably try to save some animals in a doctor's office. That's a veterinarian.

That was a PETA joke. Fuck you. That was a PETA joke. Marcus, if you ever diss me for my fucking jokes again, I've got a PETA joke going on over here. I really need the gun in here right now. I'm just gonna puted a joke going on over here. I really need the gun in here right now. I'm just going to put in a gunshot on that one. I don't even have the gun.

We're still going to get a gunshot. Holden McNeely, terrible person, worst comedian. Oh, man. All right. It's a thinker. It's not a thinker. It's the opposite of a thinker. It's a thinker.

It's not a thinker. It's the opposite of a thinker. I just want to go back to medicine when cigarettes were good for your teeth and cocaine was good for headaches. That was an awesome time. Don't you love science fiction movies back when science was much duller than it is now? And all the robots were sort of human-like? Hello, I am Crocnor. And you're just like, yeah, dude.

1950s future is amazing. You could probably take a hot air balloon to space, to the moon. They developed the human, well, that fake tiger. You saw that video, right? The four-legged beast that the military made that can hunt down anything, anywhere. It never gets tired. Never gets tired, yeah. Oh, you got to check it out, dude. I don't know enough about it to really talk about it.

Have you seen the coordinated swarm flying machines? The little flies, yeah. They're like these drones that roam in packs and the way they work, they network them together so they work in unison and they use it for super tight assassin missions in the fucking caves of Afghanistan.

What do you mean we're done? We got the shit. No, but they're gonna turn it on us, dude. No, never in a thousand years, Afghanistan. What do you mean we're done? We got the shit. No, but they're going to turn it on us, dude. No, never in a thousand years, man. They love us. American government loves us, man. They love us. They're not going to hurt us, bro. Keep on making them laugh. God damn it, man. These machines are going to fucking kill us.

I'm going to be the jester for the new American dictator, and I'm just putting it in now. I will help make the new American king laugh. I got a story about a woman being killed by a machine. That sounds great. A Los Angeles woman was found dead yesterday after apparently committing suicide with a chainsaw.

She committed suicide with it. That's great. She was found inside her home with a chainsaw wound on her neck. Yeah, you just throw it up in the air and try to catch it. With your mouth. I knew a guy back in Louisiana whoaw wound on her neck. Yeah, you just throw it up in the air and try to catch it. With your mouth. I knew a guy back in Louisiana who was working on the fields and he said, excuse me, excuse me

gentlemen, and he walked out and then he committed suicide with a chainsaw. Tried to cut his own neck off, but the thing is you can't keep holding it, so it just went and like down his whole body. And it just like did a little bit of his neck and then just fucking fucked up the rest of his body and he just bled to death.

Wow. There's a scene like that in Hatchet, the horror movie. Great murder. How did, did, did you know anybody who saw his body? I didn't know the people that saw his body, no. You didn't get any like phone pictures?

Any sweet phone, oh this is before like phone pictures. Could have gone viral. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many cool things happened before the internet, you know. Chimso is a great way to kill yourself. Artie Lang stabbed himself in the stomach

how many times with a knife? 13. 13. A butcher's knife. How did that even happen? How did you live from that? 13 after your 6th or 7th time. Take it easy. I'm sure the ones after that weren't as deep because he wasn't as strong.

Or he's running on adrenaline. Like Matthew Liddler at the end of Scream when they stabbed each other. Fucking die here, Megan! Fucking die here! So what would you rather do, Jackie, if you're going to kill yourself? You got a chainsaw, you got a butcher knife, or you

have... what's another nice thing? A gun, I guess. Pills. Well, pills are a woman's way out. Chainsaw, then. It's the wrong way out. What's that? Pills is the best way. Pills is the best way, but it's not the...

I don't think it's the best surefire. I feel like people all the time are getting resuscitated after... Golden Gate Bridge, man. You jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? Yeah, it's a good one. Jump off a bridge or hang yourself or something like that. A chainsaw, though, is definitely going to do the job. If you fucking put a chainsaw to your neck,

it's going to rip apart your neck. You are going to die. Yeah, but you're going to die, but this is like the toughest way to do it. That's fine. You're already fucking choosing the pussy way out. If you're going to choose the pussy way out, you might as well die. I disagree with you on the pussy way out. What? Killing yourself?

Suicide of pills is the pussy way out. It's the pussy way out. Not when you do is the pussy way out. It's the pussy way out. It is the pussy way out. Not when you do it with a chainsaw. No, it is. It's the pussy way out. If it was a murder-suicide, you wouldn't think that was so pussy.

No, I'd kill Henry first, and I'd kill myself. Oh, that's nice. That is nice. It's like what dreams may come. Oh my god, that movie is so sad. It's the saddest. It's the saddest. It goes through hell to get to her.

Oh my god. She's such a piece of shit. Kills herself. Movie reviews with Jackie Swarovski. Sounds like Roger Ebert does now. Dave loved it when she committed suicide. My tongue fell out. Hold it, what were you going to say?

Uh, what? No. You had something to say about suicide and dancing? No, I'm shooting blanks today. Alright, save some today. All right. Save some animals. Next story. Colorado police have ticketed a man who was accused of tying his cat to a rock

after it refused to go jogging with him. Well, yeah. Yeah. How else am I going to teach a cat anything? Sometimes you've got to fucking discipline a cat. I don't know what's illegal. Cats are selfish pieces of shit. All it did was get tied to a rock

God damn it Sesame I told you to go outside And get me some milk and some toilet paper Oh Sesame I'm gonna fucking put you in a bucket of water And freeze you in the freezer It's not like he fucking threw the rock in a lake Now here's what happened to the cat

While he was tied to the rock The man tied the cat to the rock Continued lake. Now, here's what happened to the cat while he was tied to the rock. Oh, no. Yeah, the man tied the cat to the rock, continued on his run, and then while the cat was leashed to the rock, birds began attacking it. Yeah! Sweet revenge! Sweet revenge! I love that the birds are just sitting there like, oh, we got this. That is literally like the Greek myth, the Prometheus myth.

Sisyphus? No. Prometheus, Prometheus who gave fire from the gods to humans, was punished by being tied to a rock, and then birds ate his liver over and over and over again. Yeah, and then Sisyphus couldn't get that rock off the fucking mountain. Yeah, the fucking rock, Jackie, just let it go. This reminds me of my friend Pete's dad, Jerry.

He has cerebral palsy. He's in a bad way now. Is he tied to a rock? He's not tied to a rock. But I just thought about this story. He took the family cat. It was a gal. Tracy was her name.

He took the family cat, put her in a cage, and then drowned it in a 10-gallon bucket. This is what the dad did because he didn't like the cat. And forever, his daughter... Hated him? She was upset hated him. Well, she was upset with him. They were surprisingly cordial. Yeah. Considering how much you would think to hate him. He was still just a fucking cat. It is still just a cat and that was his mind

but it's a pretty brutal way to kill a cat. Yeah, no, you don't do that. Potato sack in a river. I don't understand it. Dress it up like Superman throw it off the Empire State Building. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It's a cat. Sometimes you gotta do it, because like my mom, we had a lot of cats hanging out around the house.

Sometimes you gotta do it. Sometimes you gotta do it, because if you don't do it, they're gonna go out in the woods and get feline aids and worms. So she put cats in a McDonald's bag and just threw them away. That's fine. I don't know if that's wrong. It's not fine, no, no. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know of that. It's not fine, no, no.

Here's what used to happen with us all the time. I don't know if anybody else who grew up in a cold climate experienced this. I'm so afraid of what you're about to say about these cats.

No, what would happen is that we didn't actually do this to the cats. What the cats would do during the wintertime is they would sleep right next to the engine of a car

because that's the warmest place. Oh, not a Native American. Yeah. They would sleep right next to the engine of a car. Because that's the warmest place. Oh, not a Native American. They would sleep right next to the engine. And whenever the car would start, the fan belt and the propeller on the engine would just chop them to pieces. It's like an abortion. It is. We're looking at squirrels all the time.

Are those called sucking backs? Sucking backs, yeah. There's nothing like having to clean an engine from just a bunch of pieces of cat. If you find its cute head, it's almost fine. It ruins your morning. I just thought, I don't know, it's kind of off topic, but someone said something about jumping out of buildings. Do you think during 9-11, if somebody would have put on a cape before they jumped off the 90th floor? I mean, it would have been the funniest

of all the victims. Yeah, really? I mean, is it the funniest, or is it the most sad and fucked up? If we find out he was retarded, then yeah, it's sad. I thought it was going to be funnier. Or if you just really believe that you put on a Spider-Man costume that you could climb down the side of the building, and you're just like,

guys, I think I got this. There was that one guy that masturbated and jumped off the side of the building. Oh, really? Yeah, he's masturbating on the roof. They took it down for you two. He's come all the way down. Those guys are geniuses. If you had to get an abortion, Jackie, are you going with

the fucking suck or are you going to go with I guess they have pills? How else do they had to get an abortion, Jackie, are you going with the fucking suck or are you going to go with, I guess, what, they have pills? How else do they give abortions? Well, the pills are for two months or less. And so if you're over two months pregnant... So do you have, like, several pamphlets on it of abortions? I mean, I know all about it, yes. If you're over two months pregnant,

then they do the suck and fuck. There's no fun. Which is the actual clinical name of that, by the way. The doctor comes in and he's just like, are you prepared for the suck and fuck procedure? That's what I got in this situation. They put like an instrument up into your uterus and they chop it to pieces

and they suck it out with a vacuum. And they call it mojo juice. It's really fun. He like threads it through the fly of his pants. Oh yeah, yeah. You could also take some moon tea and just shit it out. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a little dirty thing we got going.

I know you like it. Game of Thrones! Yeah! I don't have any of that stuff, but I do have a lot of emergency contraceptive in my house. Good, good. At Planned Parenthood, they give them away every time you go there. So I've got about eight Plan B pills.

Do they go bad? They do not go bad. That was before I had insurance. I guess bleach doesn't go bad either. That's where I got my birth control. I used to get my birth control there. And Plan C pills are just a hammer. That's difficult. It's kind of crazy though. I used to get on birth control there. Plan C pills are just a hammer. That's difficult.

It's kind of crazy though because I used to get my birth control there and every time you go for birth control, I have insurance now so I don't have to go there, but when I did they would give you Plan B pills just in case. So how many times have you been to Planned Parenthood in your life?

I mean probably like 8 to 10. That's not much. Yeah, because you've got to get the pills. I had to go get the pills when I didn't have insurance. So every time I went, they would give me Plan B pills. So I have a bunch. So if you guys ever need to get an abortion or if you have a girlfriend that needs that...

What happens if a guy takes them? You cry. I've watched someone take them and they're like, oh, nothing's going to happen to me. This dude in college and there's so many hormones in them that they

make you cry. You will cry for days. So if we need a good cry, you can take some Plan B pills and make and have your belly be really upset. Sad, sad, sad. Or you can just cry like a regular human fucking bee, but that's fine. I mean,

some people need help, yeah. I might take one like, you know, when someone close to me dies just so I make sure I cry. A little, yeah, plan B,

Leonard's. For the sociopath that you are. Yeah. That's true. Cry at the wedding. You have to cry at the wedding. Otherwise, they're gonna know you killed the person.

I work with women and working with women has made me cry more than anything has ever made me cry in my entire life. I cry all the time. I just cry at the top of my head. Amber, you find yourself crying a lot? I tend to hold it in

and then cry during a Katy Perry video that I saw once. Let it all out at the dumbest moment. Liquids definitely leave my body during a Katy Perry video. Apparently Katy Perry isn't sexy enough to stay with Russell Brand.

Have you heard of that? He said she wasn't sexy enough? No, Russell Brand, he said that she wasn't kinky enough. I'm sure she wasn't kinky enough. Well, look at her, though. Yeah, you still have to have sex. You can't just lie there with your little kids shoes. No, she used to do Christian sex. You can't just lie there with your big old kids' shoes. No, he was in the fucking wheelchair.

No, she used to do Christian music. She's not kinky. She's not kinky. She wants to date Tim Tebow. Are you kidding? No, no, no. Taylor Swift just went on a date with Taylor Tebow. But Katy Perry tweeted that she wanted to.

Taylor Tebow. What is going on? All right. I will tell the listeners, spring has just kicked in in New York City. Spring fever! You know what happens during the fall. Whenever spring comes, people get drunk a lot earlier.

Myself included. Absolutely. I'm not drunk. Sure. Keep going, Marcus. All right. Next story. A 56-year-old man was buried yesterday

under 20 feet of pinto beans at the warehouse where he had worked for more than 12 years. Yeah, farted up to heaven. You feel like you know the layout of the place a little better. For an hour, dozens of rescue workers moved several tons of beans to get to him. But he was a Mexican Scrooge McDuck. Yeah. Several tons of beans. Several tons of beans.

Several tons of beans. He would have had a chance to move while it was pouring onto him, right? Or was he just kind of standing there for a while? Yeah. He probably thought it was funny for a little while. Look at all these beans. Look at all the... So you can't swim through beans?

No. Why can't you? I'm trying to swim through jello, man. You can swim through jello. No, you can't. Why can't you? I'm trying to swim through jello, man. You can swim through jello. No, you can't. Why can't you? Because you just sink to the bottom. It has no buoyancy. Have they tried burping? It worked in the Willy Wonka film. God damn

it, man. You know, I was reading a story about this guy in Germany who was caught in an avalanche, and he was caught with, like, it was this weird circumstance. He was caught with this keg of beer, and he drank the majority of the keg of the beer and then pissed himself, and the snow melted around him,

and he managed to dig his way out. Yeah. That's outstanding. That's pretty sweet, right? That's a great fucking... He should be the poster boy for Miller Lite. He should be on those commercials. He should be like,

I use beer piss to save my life. No, you can't do it. Don't try with it. Alright, let's do another take. He's not a real talker, but he definitely used beer piss to save his life. Take 74. That's what you're supposed to do when you get an avalanche. You're supposed to spit. You piss. Has anyone here

passed out in a snow drift? Yes. So have I It's pretty awesome I never leave the house That's probably for the best When I leave the house during the winter It's normally in my snuggie So when I'm out there

And that's just when your girlfriend takes you out to go poo poo You fucking animal Your leopard snuggie I have one I know You fucking animal. You're a leopard Snuggie. I have one. I know. You wear it ironically for two seconds and then you realize it's incredibly comfortable and warm. You like the Snuggie, huh? Yeah, you could poop. If you

wore diapers and just slapped on a Snuggie, that's a great Saturday. Just fucking like ribs, Snuggie, four joints. What's like the least you've ever moved in a day? Do you know that day? It's such a David Crosby move.

Well, you just get up. You've never just laid in one spot until you fell asleep in that spot and then went to your bed? Then you get sores, yeah. No, but you don't do it every day. You do it once a week. I watch the show.

It's a healthy amount to do it. You think about things. once a week. I watch Star Wars. That's a healthy amount to do it. You think about things. You get ideas. You write stuff down. What was the last idea that you had? Not moving for 24 hours. Like, I need to move? Oh, I think it was literally like pizza donuts.

They made pizza donuts! I had to look through my notepad on my phone What kind of pizza donut do you want to order? I mean, do you get the maroni Or do you get a fucking Onion cheese, man That's the thing, because it starts out like breakfast And ends up being lunch

So it's got the glaze on the outside like a donut. But it's not a sugary glaze. It's like a sweet flavor. Yeah, sweet flavor. You garlic glaze on a zeppole, like a pizza. You know those Italian donuts, like a zeppole?

You fucking jam it with pepperoni, cheese, and sauce, and then you cover the whole thing in a fucking garlic glaze? Dude, do this. I love it when fat guys talk about food. I'm so happy. You can see the joy in his face. It's beautiful.

The new thing we got at the poorhouse that my buddy Chef Andy made. Nobody cares about the poorhouse. He's talking about his pizza dough. Peanut butter and jelly chicken wings. Peanut butter and jelly chicken wings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no.

And instead of blue cheese, it's bacon marshmallow fluff that you dip it in. It's so good. The American empire is in it. Yeah, no shit. Al-Qaeda has won the war. What the fuck? Wait, we have to do 9-11 too. No, no, just sit back.

Let them do it to themselves. This is our 9-11 too. No, no, just sit back. Let them do it to themselves. This is our 9-11. I'll never forget peanut butter and jelly chicken wings. A chicken didn't deserve to die in such a terrible method. I can't wait for you to try them. If somebody were to cut you up,

what glaze would you want to put over you? Butter, garlic. You want to be butter? Butter, garlic, parmesan, cheese glaze. I want seppuku. You want to be butter? Butter garlic parmesan cheese glaze. I want seppuku. You want a shrimp scampi type thing going on. Yeah, I want to be white. Ooh, a coconut shrimp would be good.

Vagina juice. Just vagina juice on me. Be the first and last time you've ever had it. Man, I want to be covered in fucking keef and fucking smoked by an Arabian king. Hell yeah. I was thinking about that, yeah. Weed and linguine and clam sauce. I've been talking about it a lot lately. Really?

It's good dinner, and I want to get covered in that. Oh, all right. I want a nice supakoo hot wing sauce. It's very dangerous, but it would be a challenge for somebody to eat, and that would be good. You're a challenge for somebody to eat. You're so big. Yeah. You're so big.

You're so big and just gross I bet your meat smells Amber, would you like to fuck me? Does Amber want to fuck me? Let me lick that super goo off the bones I think that's a no I'll put you on a Jessica 3000

That's like one of those long spits where you put a person on and roast them on a fire. It's called the Jessica 3000? Yeah, that's the machine name. It's a long pole. You put it up their butthole, out their mouth, and you put them on a pit of fire and you roast them alive. Because the meat tastes better the longer they're alive.

How long would it take, like, Eddie, how long would it take to cook you? Me? Oh, man, probably like a day. A full day? Yeah, a long time. How big was the pig we cooked for the pig roast? How much weight? It was like 30 pounds.

And how much are you? It was like a tenth of an egg. I am 260 pounds now. You're 260? We weigh the same? I'm bigger than I ever have been. It's so sad. You look good, though.

Yeah, you look real good, man. It's mostly muscle. Thanks, guys. You look powerful, man. I mean you look real good, man. It's mostly muscle. Thanks, guys. You look powerful, man. I mean, even your breasts look great. My breasts are full now. Also, you have to factor in the ball weight. If you just put his balls on a little platter and weighed just him without the ball fucking

Yeah, it's like me holding a large mouth bass. Yeah. His hand is nine pounds too heavy. Tell him to put down the fish. Alright, we got one last story. An 88 year old woman was strangled yesterday on a Long Island Railroad

escalator that commuters said was malfunctioning for months. Irene Bernatsky was killed after she fell and her clothes became entangled in the threads of the moving stairs. When you're that old, you just die in different ways. The older you get, the stranger the death. She was just waiting to be dead anyway, right?

When you get to that point where it's just like, oh, how am I going to die? Every day you wake up and you wonder, how am I going to die? At least you died in a better way than most people fucking die. I don't know if that's true. I don't think that's true at all. The first

30 seconds of that incident must have been fucking hilarious. It's not quite as funny as an old person falling down an escalator. That's why she didn't get saved, because everyone was just laughing. In her mind, she couldn't have thought it was that serious. Oh, I'm kind of falling here.

Oh, okay. You die. Next thing you know. Didn't you see that puppy get his toes ripped off in the escalator? Oh, I did see that. Henry saw that. Henry saw that.

Yeah, Henry, tell that story. Oh, God. It was 4.30. Make it long. It wasn't even like a good... It was like 4.30 in the morning at LAX. Everyone was a fuckface at LAX that morning.

I'm on that escalator coming up. There's this bitch behind me. I heard her at the baggage. They were like, ma'am, that's not a proper bag for your dog. She's like, I always come and bring my dog like that. She's this fucking horn

she's got this dog in the bag and she puts it down on the escalator and all of a sudden you're and you look at the dog had its three or two or three of its toes ripped off on by the escalator thread and blood is just everywhere and she's screaming and it cuts it like that stops the whole fucking line everyone's like freaking out and And this British man's like, someone's got to help her. And he ran down the thing and started hopping on the escalator. He's like, stop the escalator. Stop the escalator. And they pulled the dog out of it.

And the dog was a piece of shit and so was the woman. It was a bad scenario for everyone. It was a bad morning. Yeah, modes of transportation seem to be very difficult. There was that woman who got torn in half with the elevator recently going up as well. Gotta take the stairs. Here's what happened with the

escalators, that the left side was working. Like, you know how on escalators the handrails move with the escalator? The left side was working but the right side wasn't. So the woman grabbed onto the right side which wasn't moving along with the escalator. The left side was working but the right side wasn't. So the woman grabbed onto the right side which wasn't moving along with the escalator. So she grabbed the right

side and it twisted her around and that's how she fell. It was a faulty escalator. I'm spinning. I'm spinning. I'm falling. Help me. It all happened over like four minutes. Her and the Pintos being guy are best friends in heaven.

I just can't imagine family members trying to explain to other family members how they died. How did he die? It was beans. It was just the beans. You know how Harry loved beans? Yeah. He died staring at what he loved. Well, he had worked at the bean factory for 12 years.

Which is already sad as fuck. Working at the bean factory. Imagine what it's like for his kids. Back to work again. He probably hated pinto beans too. Every day he comes in all these fucking beans. Fucking beans. And the beans are ganged up on him.

Hey, honey. Guess what I made you for dinner? Beans. I bet his wife released the thing on him. He was so pissed at him. Every night she's like, I swear to fucking Christ, you bring home pinto beans again. I would also, but I would kind of like to imagine

the pinto bean factory is like the coolest place on earth. It's like Willy Wonka. No. They're all like hanging out, like smoking doobs at the Pinto Factory. Everyone's smoking doobs and eating beans. I actually imagine it's very bleak. You think so?

At the Bean Factory? Most factories I imagine are bleak. Yeah. Any happy factory needs to be shut down. Yeah, because it's not being productive. But, I mean, you gotta imagine a pinto bean factory. Someone's constantly playing congas or something.

Come on, baby, let me see you do that conga. They're all just, like, barbecuing and drinking Coronas. They have to drink Coronas. And now we've got a segment from Holden McNeely. So, uh, yeah!

We're doing Dictator of the World. What's your first three orders of business as Dictator of the World? Holden, give us the rules. Alright, Dictator of the World. You're going to name your first three orders of business as Dictator of the World. Ween, give us the rules. All right. Dictator of the World. You're going to name your first three orders of business as Dictator of the World. We're going to go in twos. We're going to vote on each person's twos. And the winner is going to move on to round two.

We're going to do a little debate and find out who would be the best fictional Dictator of the World. I know. It's going to be tough. You're accurate. All dictators are drunk. Let's start with... Let's do Ed and Ben. First order business,

I'm putting a giant electric fence around Africa. Alright. There's an ocean around Africa. What's that going to do? It's God's face. No, he said it isn't. It's a very scary place that needs to be kept. Who wants some out of Africa?

Where is Africa going? I don't know. I'd like to be a. Who wants them out of Africa? Where is Africa going? I don't know, but I just like to be a step ahead of the game here. So then after we're done with that fence, we're going to put a big old fence around India after that. I didn't realize I was a fucking tea party activist.

I play street fun. I've seen Dawson. Dangerous, man. Dangerous. Number three. Number three, and then we're going to put a big fence around all of Korea and just let them figure it out together. She wants you in the fence.

We're done with you. You're just putting fences everywhere. I also want to help promote my new fence building business. It's side job! This is bullshit! Corrupt government! Hey, that's orders of business right there, Ben.

What do you got to top it? What do you got, Ben? What are you going to do? You need votes, buddy. I'm going to get myself a show on TV. All right. Let him have his dream. It's the one time it gets to be real.

1-800-ED-FENCE.COM What if you called it Fenced Ed? Too many letters. No, no. Number two, Ben. No, I don't even have a number one. I don't want to be on TV. Okay, so number one then.

You get a do-over. We'll give you a mulligan on this one. Women like me. That's your first order of business. Number one. Women are forced to like me. That is not enforceable. What's your second order of business?

Just get through this. The men like me as well. Okay, that's second order of business. Women and men like me. What Okay, that's second order business Women and men like me What's your third order of business? I want to put a fence around Africa That's like something that we can agree on Alright, so everyone's voting for Ed, right?

Essentially Raise your hands for Ben Raise your hands for Ben Ed, raise your hands for Ed Raise your hands for Ed Ed wins the first round Congratulations guys One step closer Oh, no, Jackie, you almost... All right, Ed wins the first round. Yeah, Ed was better.

Congratulations, guys. One step closer. I'm not a winner. All right. He said India, fence around India. Yeah, Ben, you're not good at doing good. All right, Kevin and Amber, first three order of business. First three orders of business.

Kevin, what do you got? Oh, well, first of all, all children are trained in StarCraft and backflips from birth. That's the first thing. There you go. All right. Number two is all children get breast implants at five. Okay. Male and female?

Yes, male and female. Absolutely. And third? Third, I want all Cuban girls to have macaroni cheese nipples. Okay. All right. I don't even know what that means. It's a noodle, but with the cheese on it.

It's a swirly, cheesy. Okay. Amber. I like Kevin. I like Kevin right now. First order of business. Everybody works in the restaurant industry for one year. All right. Everybody. Everybody like Kevin. I like Kevin right now. First order of business. Everybody works in the restaurant industry for one year. All right.

Everybody. Yeah. There'd be less assholes on this earth. Second order of business. Every boss has to work the lowest position at the company one day a month. These are very reasonable ideas. This is amazing. Third order order business.

Bless you, Jackie. Good music is played in line at the DMV. All right. Number three. Number three, yeah. All right. So everybody raise your hands if you want Kevin. I want Kevin.

I don't know. Yeah. It's hard. There's two million. Everyone's going to have tits. Everyone's going to have tits. I don't have to think about that for you. That is highly disturbing. Cuban girls with tasty macaroni cheese.

Five-year-old boys with tits. I'm not down. It would make a five-year-old boy so much more tolerable if it had big fucking tits. You take them out to play football and watch them bounce. tolerable if it had big fucking tits. You're still... You take them out to play football and watch them bounce. All you're doing there is you are promoting pedophilia. I'm not promoting pedophilia. I'm promoting little kids having tits.

Right. No, you don't have to fuck them. It just gives you a place to look at them. Appreciation is the word. And really, against Amber, I don't want to work for a year in the waitress. And who's voting for Amber? Let's go. Who's going for Amber? We got some independents.

Three, four, five. How did I lose that shit with my brilliant ideas? I'm with you, Kevin. Racism! Alright, Amber moves on now. Jackie and Henry, what are your first three orders of business? I'm going to say, in terms

of bridging a gap here, I'm going to make everything 3D. Everything is 3D. Life porn and life and everything you want, everything is 3D like you feel it and you need it. That's my first order. Okay, everything's 3D.

Everything's the same. What's your second order of business? Drunk Okay, what's your second order? Status quo. Status quo candidate. Drunk woman, what's your second order of business? Go ahead, you do your first order of business. No, you gotta do all three and then he does all three. Alright, um, second order of business. You can impregnate whoever you want

and you can have as many kids or not have kids as you want. Very similar to the same. You get them in or you get them out. And the third order of business is that you can coordinate

sex with any kind of animal you want. You want a monkey child? You can have it. You want a shark monkey? You can have it. You want a monkey, Charles? You can have it. You want a shark monkey? You can have it. You want a monkey goat? You can have it.

It's always monkey, though. It's interesting, yeah. It's a monkey affair. What happened to you in the last five minutes? Where did you go? There's always a point where Jackie turns, and it's just so obvious. I got drunk a few minutes ago. Henry.

Monkey is the monster. On the mind. Excuse me, my sister the monster. I would say... Oh, monkey. All right, quick recap. What is Jackie's three-year-old son? She wants the world to be just like it is.

But she wants to fuck monkeys. Yeah, she wants to fuck monkeys. Okay, fine. That's it. This is what I gotta say. It's number one, pizza donuts. Number two, roast beef gum. Number three,

Daniel D. Lewis has to play Batman In a far future version of Batman Done by Christopher Nolan You're a loser Fucking listen to me We pay him Think about this fucking idea We do this story from Dark Knight Returns

He comes back He plays a 55 year old Batman Versus a 60 year old Joker That's gonna kick fucking ass Alright so Henry wins right? Let's vote Jackie who wins Jackie? I win! And who wins Henry?

There we go. I win! Alright. Thank you guys. I didn't think I would win this fight, but I did, and I appreciate it. Like, monkeys will fuck every human.

We're gonna have to get her off the stage. And I appreciate it. Like monkeys will fuck every human We're going to have to get her off the stage. And I appreciate it. Mia! Mia! You guys have a great night. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba to you by 1-800-EdFence.com You can't sponsor the debate, Eddie! This whole thing is fixed! So, Ed, Henry, and Amber, we'll start with a question

for Ed. You guys can give a rebuttal. Ed, you've been known to be seen as monster-like by people. You are a brute. A disgusting smell emits around sort of any person.

Hot dogs. Generally hot dogs wrapped in old pussy. And so what do you have to say for the people It's just called bacon, isn't it? What would you have to say to the people who make these comments and what do you plan to do as dictator of the world to sort of be more personable, even though you reek?

Well, here's the thing. I'm going to explain to everyone why I smell like this. And it's because I'm eating hot dogs all goddamn day, wrapping myself in pussy, having a fucking blast of a time. You know, if you want to, I smell like happiness, to be honest with you. If you want to smell like sadness, you smell like books. And you smell like dust. And you smell like flowers. That's what it's like to be sad.

You miss Haiti. I mean, Haiti already has a fence that was built by the earthquake. That's nice. Now, Henry and Amber, you're both allowed to give a spontaneous rebuttal together. I would have to say that I submitted that question. You're a monster, sir, and you cannot be dictator of my world. Okay. Interesting.

Amber? What would you say to the people, sir, that like to have a neat and organized life? A neat and organized life. Well, there will be a place for you in Georgia. In hell. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to fence Georgia up. And if you're neat and organized, you can go fix Georgia and organize it and make it neat. And then we won't hear from you again.

I like that. There you go. So, Amber, your new policies are a little difficult, I think, for some people who are maybe not physically able to work in a restaurant or something like that. What do you say about the crippled, the little people? Or the hungry. Or the hungry, or the monkeys.

Well, if you're hungry, you can work in a restaurant and get that sweet staff meal during the day. And if you're crippled, there's always a job we can find for you. You could also put a lobster hat on them sitting outside. They could hand people menus. Yeah, and they'd also be good chairs. Don't help her out. Don't help her out, Eddie. My big policy

is less assholes in the world. We all have to understand that there's people here that want things and, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Less assholes. That's right. Alright, fantastic. And the yeah. Less assholes. That's really cool. Less assholes. All right. Fantastic. And the rebuttal was you guys helping her.

Yeah, yeah. So that's good. It's a good idea. I'm actually going to make that a part of my plan now. Very good. So it takes on part of her campaign. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to do all that too.

Fantastic. Get the fences. Now, Henry, some say your new food ethics will lead to terrible heart problems and deaths for the world. If you start to force people to eat roast beef gum and, you know, donut pieces. I'm not forcing people. I'm just giving people good options. I mean, because when it comes down to it, it's like, we can't be eating flax all day, right? This isn't communist China. This is America.

You were pitching flax to me all night last night. Listen, bro, it's got nothing to do with my fucking diplomatic game. All right? I would say, all right, if it really came down to it, this is the diet I would prescribe in terms of being a happy American. Every day you wake up, you eat two hard-boiled eggs and a box of flax cereal. A couple bananas thrown in there. For lunch, pizza donut. Dinner? Dinner at night.

We have, get this, French onion beer. French onion beer. We've got cake pizza. That's the opposite. It's a sweet pizza in the shape of a cake. It's actually a cake, but we call it cake pizza. What the hell are you going to do in the event of a massive sea monster attack?

This is what we'll do. I mean, the only thing we can do, which is you take a nuclear bomb, you put two giant loaves of bread on both sides of it, you slather it in mustard, raw onions, maybe some sprouts, right? Present it to said monster. How many sprouts would that entail? Gallons of sprouts,

which is how you measure sprouts. And then you present it to the monster, you tell it it's lunchtime, and it's just like, it's lunchtime. And you show him eating a pizza donut. You eat a pizza donut, it eats a thing, and then time. And you show him eating a pizza donut. You eat a pizza donut. It eats a thing and then fucking blow up its fucking cock

with a nuclear bomb. I like that. Alright, well, who's voting for Ed? Are we just on to the vote now? Yeah, on to the vote. I'm voting for Ed. I got two. I like his fence platform. Fantastic. And also how he

steals everyone else's ideas. Amber, who's voting for Amber? Just me. Just Amber? That's cool. Well, no, I'll vote for Amber. Oh. There you go.

I'm the Ron Paul of this fake... And who votes for Henry? I vote for Henry. I vote for Henry. I vote for Henry. Hail to the chief! He's the chief and we should hire him. Hail to the chief!

His name is Henry and we love him. God, it feels good to win! Welcome back, Henry. What are you going to enjoy as your celebration meal? Oh, I can't wait for some rutabaga pasta and then we're going to get some ham

cheese and some shoe leathers, which is like fruit leathers, but you can wear them on your feet. Hey, fantastic. Alright. That's for the wrap table. For Jack and Zabrowski and Lars and Old McNilly, Kevin Bardat, I'm Ben Kissel.

Thank you, Amber. It was a good race. I thought you were going to win it. Oh, thank you. And our wonderful dictator, Henry Zabrowski. Thanks for being here. Hile me! Is that weird? Is that touchy to do? No, it's fine. And Bardette sparks there. You were good. You were good. You were awesome, Ben. I love you.

I love you. I love all of you Good new joke Ben Can we hear it again real quick before we leave I mean I don't want to say it Come on Ben Come on buddy We all know Snooki's pregnant right now I was just thinking about this Kev

You know what the difference is Between Snooki's womb And a dumpster in Atlanta What's the difference There's an alive baby in the dumpster. Isn't it weird? Isn't it wild? Isn't it wild?

Isn't it weird? Isn't it now? What a show. What a show. Let's get drunker next time. End it with a bang. Yeah.