The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 9: What FAHB Means

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Hark! Come and listen, for the ninth episode of The Round Table is upon us! Jackie loses her dignity once again, babies are being drowned during baptisms, Holden gives some heartfelt speeches, Ben waxes philosophical about Chippy D and Ed finds a solution to the gay marriage debate.

Now, Pussy-Pie. Alright, weenies, let's get this stink train on the old poop tracks. Welcome to the round table, little gentlemen. With us, as always, the round table. To my left has a smelly bung. Who is that? Is that me? That's you. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. And Larson.

Professor Dynamite. Oh. Fucker. Slut. Hold it. Barnett, KB, Kevin Barnett, me. What's up? I'm Ben Gizl, the host. And with us as always, the newsman, Marcus Parks. Parks is Marxist.

What's in the news? Hot stories. Laurence Fishburne's daughter is putting out a sex tape. Fucking finally. Yeah, right? It's about goddamn time. What's this woman all about, man? She's got a vagina, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Does she have a gap between her front two teeth, too? No. She's got a gap between her lips. Yeah! Her dad's rich. She has great teeth.

Montana Fishburne, 19 years young. A wonderful young lady. She's going by Montana Fishburne III for her first couple of features. Similar to how Lawrence... She didn't drop Fishburne for the porns? No, actually, her name for the porns? Chippy D. I can't make that up.

Her porn star name is Chippy D, which is worse than fucking Screech. Yeah, I mean, Chippy D makes me think of STDs. I mean, she's got some... Chippy D with the STDs coming at your heart. It sounds like what you tell the doctor after you've sucked 50 dicks in a row. You're like, I got a Chippy D. And he's like, oh, yeah, I can tell.

There's a huge fucking cavitous hole in your teeth. It just seems like you would just have pieces of dick instead of a dick. That's what it sounds like to me. She's doing wonderful. Lawrence Fishburne hasn't come out and said anything. Is he supporting this? Is this something that he's really getting behind? There is absolutely no response from Lawrence Fishburne camp on this one.

I wonder if she's going to use the Meisner technique from the acting school that her father, I'm sure, learned about. I'm fairly sure that's improvisation. No, Meisner is not improvisation. Tell me about it. Porn. Porn is mostly improv. Absolutely. You've got to know what you're doing.

You've got to think on your feet, think on your knees, think on your all fours, think on your back, think on your front. You have to think all over the place. Shitty porn is improvised. Good porn, that shit's under control. You've got a good director, you know? Like Andrew Blake? Yeah.

Yeah, he's an artist. He's a wonderful man. Speaking of artists, she's releasing it on Vivid. Vivid Entertainment. Talented, talented young lady. The story was, she has a quote that said she wants to be like Kim Kardashian. That's her mentor in life. So that's where we're at.

And this is officially the problem with reality show stars. They're the bottom when we see them and they're like, oh, it's just white trash entertainment. It's just terrible. they're the bottom when we see them and they're like oh it's just white trash entertainment it's just terrible but those stars are the top for some people which just draws the bar so much fucking lower because everyone's grasping to the last

rung of humanity. I just want to be automatically rich and uh. She's already rich they are the role models for people though like for like young tween girls you know and I will say she is it's very sexy the way to call them. That's disgusting.

No, it's still a felony, Holden. I mean, in some states. It's only a felony if you use your penis, I think. That's true. That's true. I will say she's not nearly as attractive as Kim Kardashian, though. Oh, Kim Kardashian's ridiculous, man. She's got no business. What do you like better, Kevin?

The bosom or the butt? Honestly, man, I don't know. What if they were switched, like in some weird alternate universe? She has nipples for butts. She had a booty for a butt. I think that would be fantastic. I'd probably put my hands all over that. As much as possible.

Might as well give it a shot, figure it out. Butt tits. Butt tits. Do a lot of titty fucking. He's sucking on an ass, that's for sure. Absolutely. Well, so there's no response from Lawrence Fishburne yet. I'm very, very excited to hear what he has to say.

What could he say, though, man? I mean, really. I mean, I don't know. It's very bizarre. I wasn't around, now my daughter's a porn star. Yeah, and that's the other quote. She said, I was very nervous for my first shoot, but I've got so much practice in my bedroom alone. That's what she said.

Which has got to just tear him apart on the inside. Does it say anything about the plot line? No. Plot line? That was a good joke. Lawrence Fishburne started in the movie Apocalypse Now. I assume this is like ass to lips. He was part of it.

No, he started. That's where he got his big break, though. Started, not started. Oh, started. Yeah, yeah. That's where he got his big acting thing. This will be like ass to lips now, perhaps. He was very Fishburne back then.

Yeah, and the third, even. Yeah. But who knows? Who knows what she's going to do? Big things for that young lady. Good luck to Montana Fishburne, a.k.a. Chippy D. He named her Montana? Yeah.

It's the state she was conceived in, apparently. What the fuck was he doing on Montana? Running petrified and scared. How many stars do you give the movie now, just without seeing it, just knowing about it? Out of five. I'll give it Stinkies or Smellies. Okay. It's not a star but it's not a star rating at all. Well no

four Smellies is great. Zero Smellies is terrible. Stinkies are good? Stinkies are different. Four is bad. Zero Stinkies is good. But I would give it I'm going to give it

Two smellies And two stinkies It's just right in the middle So you watch the movie It's like nothing ever happened to you She just doesn't look That attractive to me But

Either way A lot of going on With celebrity news It's like watching Die Hard 2 You know Nothing You know

It's fine That's like I saw like I saw like a, I saw like years ago some documentary on Jenna Jameson. Like, they were interviewing her dad, and it was crazy, because he was just like,

you know, at first it was hard, but then it was like, well, she's good at what she does. I'm proud of her. It only got harder. It only got harder. That's fucking, that's crazy. But, I mean.

She's a millionaire. Yeah. She takes care of his ass. That's the thing. Honestly, it just came down to that. He was very upset, but then money started pouring in, and how can you deny, you know, it's like... Yeah, and he's like, I got to fuck my daughter,

starting when she was 13. At 16, she started making money from it. This is amazing. He's a great father. He's a wonderful father figure. Yeah. I live all around. Speaking of which,

there's a lot of child fuckers in the news, newsman. Wait, is this Pedophile Corner? This is Pedophile Corner. Pedophile Corner. He's with the name. Our pedophile this week is more of a pedophile enabler than he is an actual pedophile. Oh, interesting. Warren Jeffs.

He's doing great. Oh, what a bad name. Oh, it's an awful name. Terrible, terrible, awful name. It's even a bad pedophile. Oh, interesting. Warren Jeffs. He's doing great. Oh, what a bad name. Oh, it's an awful name. Terrible, terrible, awful name. It's even a bad pedophile name. Well, what it is is that he is the head of a Mormon church.

The big one. It was the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-day Saints. Fantastic. Fundamentalist, that's very important. He was convicted in Ohio of forcing a 13-year-old girl to marry a 19-year-old guy. But he did this tons and tons of times. Did it tons of times. Only two times that they can prove.

It was pretty much pedophilia heaven, that Utah combine. And the amazing thing about it, Utah, throwing out the charges. Of course. Of course they are. But you know what? You know who's gonna get his ass? Texas. Oh, they're not throwing out the charges. He did shit in Texas?

Oh yeah, San Angelo, Texas. A couple hours from where I'm from. Oh yeah, they're gonna fucking test him. They just blasted his head off with a shotgun in the courtroom, right? I mean, they haven't... Yes, they deserved it done. I hope he burns in hell. That's what I want to... Exactly like that.

That's what I want to judge that just pulls the gun out and just does it right then in the courtroom. Has there been any other arrests of the people that he married off with these young girls, or are they just taking him down? They're just taking him down. That's the thing, is that they didn't even charge these guys, much less convict them. Yeah, so how does that work, though? Were they like, hey, man, I'm trying to get with these 14?

Did they come up to them like that, or was it just like... I think so. I don't know what the circumstance was. That's what they did. They literally scouted these girls out from like eight or nine. I mean, a lot of these, so they had like eight wives, and every father would have like 17, 18 different children. So they would just hang out with their friends, and then their friends would just talk about the daughters they want to fuck from the other families. And they would be like, I'll give you Samantha, and then you give me like, you know, a half acre of land.

It's like trading baseball cards. Exactly. It's just a bartering system. Really, what's the problem? The girls don't know anything different. Well, it's not like a rabbit or a raccoon. It's a girl bartering system. Really, what's the problem? The girls don't know anything different. Well, it's not like a rabbit or a raccoon. It's a girl. Yeah, but they don't know. They just want to get laid at 13 anyway.

All girls want to get laid at 13. How are you the worst person on this podcast? You are an awful, awful human being. Woman of respect. We need a female voice. I am a female voice, all right? Well, it's more of a deluded pro wrestler's voice.

He stopped winning in the 70s. You know, 13-year-olds like to get fucked, you know? There's a junkyard dog with us tonight. I honestly thought I was a misogynist, but a lot of things you say I'm just appalled by. It's disgusting. Sam Kinison's rolling over in his grave. It's unbelievable. Jackie, let me ask you.

What is your cutoff age for sex? What is the youngest guy you would have sex with? 28. Oh, Jesus Christ. We all know that's not true. That's not true at all. Jackie's cutoff age is like 14.

Yeah. Well, you know, high school. I just gave my number to this dude. So we got the same cutoff age? Yeah. High school for me is 24 because they're all retarded. It's a little slower school I like to pick out of. Fast hands.

Yeah, quick hands. I don't even know they're moving retarded. It's a little slower school I like to pick out of. Fast hands. Yeah, quick hands. Don't even know they're moving them, for fuck's sake. Well, I was a catcher in softball, so I know how to use the mitt. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. Yeah. Of course you were a catcher in softball. The old lesbian.

Holden, what about you? Youngest. I'm going to go with gigantic titted 18 year old I can't go but you know well actually say there's no way in hell that you're going to get caught how big are the tits?

give me a size a small C big B I'm going to have to go with 17 are they on her ass? they're on her ass. That would be amazing. She's fair game.

She's not really a human. She's probably, yeah, she's not really a human. She's like 17 Krimnars or whatever. She's not any kind of human age. For every pound of tit, they lose a year. So if it's like a 17-year-old with three pounds of bosom, that's just fine. 14-year-old with five pound of bosom, that's just fine. 14-year-old with five pounds of bosom, give it a year. Totally fuckable at that point.

You have ridiculous math issues. That's actually true, though. That's actually a legal statute. He showed me his equations, though. It's like Einstein, but just with tit sizes. It's like an entire page is full of insane mathematical. Insane chalkboard. A square root of the double D is madness. It's just like it's full. It's like a entire page is full of insane Approving of pedophilia when we you're the one who improves of a Jackie

You have set women back 50 fucking years every time you speak Joan Salone from salon.com shits herself and. A little bit. You should live in a sewer. You make Susan B. Anthony want to cut off her clit. God damn it. Best way to get the rats to run out of the city. Put Jackie in the sewer. They'd be in Boston in three hours. They'd all be on the Chinatown bus.

That means that fucking crazy bitch was trying to fuck us all. We have to get out of here. I know this though. In Florida, we had found this out. I don't know what other states this is true in, but in Florida, it's legal for someone as old as 24 to have sex with a 16-year-old. Just because

we thought it was hilarious, we wanted to do one of our friends had a Mustang racing car with racing stripes on it, and we just wanted to do one of our friends had a Mustang racing car with racing stripes on it. And we just wanted to show up to the high school and cheerleader practice and just hang out there with sunglasses on. Like, what's up, baby? I got a car. I got my own apartment. Man, you're lucky you didn't get the shit kicked out of you.

We didn't do it. We didn't do it, but we wanted to. Because that would have been hilarious to us. Let's close out. You would have gotten fucked up, bro. Let's close out Pedophile Corner for fuck's sake Squirt the suck He was the best

So hold it I hear your brother got engaged Is that the truth? I thought we closed out Pedophile Corner He got engaged in Utah Burn Avery Avery! Avery, you got burned! Got him!

Ladies and gentlemen, Oden just got... My brother's recently gotten engaged, and I've been named the man... Biggest gay of the wedding. The man of honor. The best man, the best of the men. So what are you planning on doing for this best man? Well, I've got to give a speech, and so I've done a couple, like I'm trying to workshop stuff. I've got a couple for supposed weddings of some of you guys. Some speeches.

So this has been... Is Jackie's going to take place at an elementary school? Give me some feedback. Let me know what you think. This is for your wedding. Oh, fantastic. I'm excited. Ben, I've seen you

in your underwear, surrounded by 1040s at 8 in the morning. Yeah, that's true. You've told me you peed on a woman. I've peed on many a woman. Have you tasted your own cum? Never tasted my own cum. I've watched you piss yourself. Yep. I've heard you fuck.

Yeah. And now it is your wedding day. Well, it's just great to be here. Pussy slit, titty slut. No, Mom, this is actually my friend. His name is Holden. He's great. He's leading up to something, I promise you. Grandma Bin.

Bin, is she alive or is she dead? No, Lillian's here. Lil, don't... Okay. Well, yes. Lil, don't... Okay. Well, yes. Lil, I've seen you from afar, and I just want to say... Huge cans. I like the butt.

Wow. Ben, you've married an intensely average woman. She's great shit, and I love her. She's very sweet. I'm in love with her. Meredith, I love you, too. I just don. She's very sweet. I'm in love with her. Meredith, I love you too. I just don't want to die alone. Okay.

All I can see is empty spaces around me. Okay, well. Don't touch me! Don't you fucking put your hands on me! At that point, I get ejected from the wedding. Yeah, that would be the time where I kicked you out. That would be it. Well, that was beautiful, Holden.

Thank you so much. That really cemented the wedding, and I think Meredith and I are going to be very happy. I've got another for Eddie. Oh, thank you. I'm excited. Ed. Yeah. And then I just vomit all over the place. And I've got another thing.

Eddie did have his wedding at Hooters, so that would explain that. I've got another thing. And he did have his wedding at Hooters, so that would explain that. I've got another thing for Marcus. Marcus was a great man. I used to like him. Who knew he'd be raped to death in prison? I didn't. Not me.

I didn't win the pool. I put my money on a horse trampling. Well, you live and you learn. Let us pray. me. I didn't win the pool. I put my money on a horse trampling. Well, you live and you learn. Let us pray. Honestly, that's one of my worst fears, that I'm gonna get raped to death in prison. No shit is, because I

know if I, I'm a, fuck, I'm a pretty man. I'm somewhat, you know, I look a little feminine. See, I'd be more scared of getting raped to death in my own home. This doesn't look like a surprise, man. At'm somewhat, you know, I look a little feminine. See, I'd be more scared of getting raped to death in my own home. Because that doesn't look like a surprise, man. At least, like, you got it on yourself a little bit there with getting raped to death. Yeah, I feel like your

final words in prison if you get raped to death would be like, they like me. They really like me. I can't believe it. I didn't think you guys were staring me down this whole time. I gave you you like me. I am... That's where it hits your colon and your spleen

that's my practice speech I'm working on it I'll try to come up with some more that was really nice you got nothing for me

I'm glad you didn't write one for me because you know I'm not going to let no bitch get me oh yeah you will you should be able to tag it down

but see you're going to wake up with that band on your finger in Vegas man I think that's the way you're going to go. It's not happening, man. Well, the problem is, Kevin, girls like to have good credit. And I think once you marry, you are with a person for life and you've got to do co-finances.

Wait, what are you trying to say, man? It was a stereotypical thing about how black men don't have good credit. I have worse credit than anyone I've ever met. I know. I do too. I have such bad credit. I don't even have credit. I don't even have credit. I don't either.

I don't have credit. I literally have like, I have like negative four. I want to hear what Holden would say about, Jackie, what would you say about Jackie's wedding? Like if Jackie is getting married. Well, the problem is the chapel would be on fire. I'd pretty much just be like, just put it out. Just find a way to put it out.

It'd be like when Andrew Jackson got inaugurated and they burnt down the White House. In the year 2000. That was absolutely beautiful. There are a lot of weddings. Chelsea Clinton just got married. I think she's getting married this weekend, actually.

She's ugly as fuck. She looks good now, man. Oh, she doesn't. She's got a this weekend, actually. She's ugly as fuck. She looks good now, man. No, she doesn't. She's got a fucking Wolverine face. What's fucking cooler than Wolverine? Not Wolverine, the cool Hugh Jackman. I'd much rather have sex with Hugh Jackman than fucking Chelsea Clinton. Her pussy regenerates.

She can have sex 8, 12 times a night. She's a fantastic beast woman. Who wants to have sex 8, 12 times a night she's a fantastic beast woman I don't want to have sex eight to twelve times a week Oh God no twelve times a week Jesus Christ oh my god what kind of sick life you live it I'm fine with one to two a month besides that my life's changing No longer looking for a fine ass, rich ass girlfriend. I came up on an air conditioner today.

Shout out to my main man, Rich. Hooked it up. You have an AC? I got an air conditioner today, man. You're never gonna fuck ever again. You know how many times already girls have wanted me to do shit and I'm like, no, I'm playing Castlevania and I don't leave my house.

Now I got an air conditioner. I was sweating when I was doing it. Now I have an air conditioner. I'm building Dude Island now. Dude Island! By the way, Barnett. I'm going to get you a fleshlight, man. I was definitely referring to...

It would be more like a mag fleshlight for Barnett. He's got a massive penis He's knocking on fucking apartment doors With that thing trying to come in Now Barnett I got referred to the other night as a Fob and I believe that you

Are the one that coined the phrase For fine ass huge Bitch And the thing is I don't know what the difference is F-A-H-B Fine ass very nice Which is a derivative of the term And the thing is, I don't know what the difference is. F-A-H-B. F-A-H-B. Fine ass.

Very nice. Which is a derivative of the term F-A-F-G, which is fine ass fat girl. Yeah, I think fine ass huge bitch is very nice. It's much more polite. You know, I actually thought F-A-F-G was just fat ass fat girl. No, no, no. Fine ass fat girl. They out there.

We see them. Jackie, how did that make you feel getting called a fob? See, the problem with F-A-H-G it just kind of sounds like fag. Yeah. F-A-H-B

is fine ass huge bitch. Oh yeah, see that makes more sense. Jackie, how did that make you feel when you got called a fob? Because it's sort of endearing in a way, right?

See, I feel like I like it better than referring to myself as a B-B-W because I just think that means big, big woman. I don't think it's big, beautiful woman. I think it's just twice as big.

I always thought it was a big-bodied woman. Oh, I think it's a big, beautiful woman. It's a big, beautiful woman. It's supposed to be a big, beautiful woman. Whatever they say. Yeah, whatever they say. I don't know. So what was the circumstance where this man figured

that he should bring this up to you? Was it at a bar or just in the library? Well, you know, it was a good friend of ours, Jason Kephart, and so he likes to refer to me and my weight size when I talk about men. Oh, okay, of course. It makes you feel better about yourself.

Right, it should make you. But what do you guys think? Would you refer to a woman as a fob in an endearing manner? No, never. I've never called an F-A-F-G an F-A-F-G to her face. Never. F-A-H-B is a new term.

That came about in March. We didn't know it existed until March. We were out in Panama City. You call her like, hey baby, how you doing? What's going on? You just call her beautiful. Every time you see a big girl, you just call them beautiful

and they just suck your dick immediately. Oh, yeah, immediately. If you find your favorite part of her, you tell her what it is and you start grabbing at it. Oh, my God, yes! I tried to do that. I did that with a girl once and she's like, get off my calves.

Get off my calves. I'm a big calf guy. Really, calves? Yeah, look at your calf. Well, a woman once told you you were touching her like you pet your dogs. Yeah, she said her name was Ashley. She was actually a black woman, and she was very, very large, but she had a nice buxom bosom.

And after the film, we went to see Burn After Reading, and during the film, apparently I pet her like a dog. I thought I was being very, very nice, and I was petting and stroking her shoulders, giving her massages. You were. You were being great. Holy Christ, I've seen that exact same thing in a movie theater. I saw a woman scratching a man's head like he was a dog. Yeah, and at the end of the movie, I was like, how was it?

And she's like, well, you pet me like a dog. And I said, Che, I loves it. And that's the name of the dog that I take care of. So I was just going off of what a dog would love. And she shouldn't have been what a dog would love. And she shouldn't have been such a bestialism. So what do we say we switch the subject to baptisms? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I got one of those. I got one of those. Did you get one? There's two, actually. Yeah. Let's start off with the Jordan River, though. Jordan River is no longer allowed to baptize. The one in Jerusalem where, what's the name of the fellow who baptized Jesus?

John the Baptist. John the Baptist. Not a clever name. It's very easy to remember. Yeah. If he was a farmer or something, it would have been weird. Most regular name, and he's a Baptist. So he's baptized.

Got his head cut off. Put on a silver platter. That's probably what polluted the Jordan River. A woman did it. Really? Yeah. Good for her. Very powerful. Bring me the head of it. Really? Good for her.

Bring me the head of John the Baptist. Good for her. Strong stuff. The Jordan River is no longer... Baptisms are no longer allowed. It's far too polluted. Which I think this should probably turn that into a secular state. So it's like the Detroit River.

It is. It's much like the Detroit River. It's actually from untreated sewage and agriculture runoff. So that just means it's just a river of shit. It's just cow shit, human shit, all kinds of shit. Which is really what you should be baptized in. I was baptized.

Eddie, you had a bad baptism story? No, I don't remember my baptism. But the guy who confirmed me and gave me my first Holy Communion raped a bunch of kids. Hey, look at that. He's the next week's pedophile of the week. No, no, he was pedophile of the week years ago. You can't give it to him twice.

There's a statute of limitations on pedophilia. He's not Steve Nash. Cannot win MVP twice. I got baptized when I was 13 years old, and I was super fat, and I wore a white t-shirt. I was the only kid with a white t-shirt. When did you get baptized? When I was 13.

I got baptized every year. Evangelical. Born again evangelicals. Like insane. So they do it every year. And I got baptized in Iverson Park. And I was very self-conscious. And the shirt just stuck to me, you know, like a bad piece of plaster.

Of course, because you're huge. I'm huge. And my titties were just all out. And so as soon as like- Succulent. Succulent, beautiful, potent, powerful. Everything a man would want to stick their penis in between. And I get out.

The pastor, Pastor Malik, Matt Malik, was like, all right, so now you're ordained by Jesus. You're going to go to heaven. As soon as I step on sand, like eight people that I went to school with were just like, hey, titties. Hey, big titties. How are those going for you? Hey, come over here, kid, so we want to touch your titties. Actually, that's my nickname for my cousin, Titters.

Yeah, it's a fun thing to call fat kids after they get baptized, apparently. titters. Yeah, it's a fun thing to call fat kids after they get baptized, apparently. The other baptismal story is a guy actually drowned a baby while baptizing it.

Did the baby come up for air? It looks like they have a video of it. No, that's not the actual... Oh, it's a news story? It's in Moldavia. Moldavia. Oh. Moldavia, whatever. The baby just didn't get enough Jesus?

Did it come up for air at one point and they treated it like a Salem witch and they're like, well, it needs to breathe still. This baby didn't die here, it would have died somewhere else very soon. Only the strong survive. OTS. Well, I mean, I think if you drown a baby. Well, no, all it was is that he baptized it but didn't cover its mouth. Oh. Rookie mistake. it's a rookie mistake.

That's a rookie mistake. They just take him right on. Just send him right to Jesus. That's probably the best way to baptize. Just give him right to the Lord. At least he wasn't going right to hell, you know? Or even purgatory. Holden, did you get baptized?

I was raised Unitarian. Yeah, so what did they do? I mean, I watched two dudes fuck each other, and then a Wiccan did a sage ceremony around me. Oh, that's great. That's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. And then I had a Hindu guy. He had all these tats, and he, you know, it was special.

It was like this time for us to kind of be together, love each other, and just like, and stroke. It's completely different. That is completely different from any other religion. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was very. It's completely different. That is completely different from any other religion. Yeah, yeah. It was very, it was very. It's every religion.

Yeah, man. We were just like, oh, you know, we love the concept of God. And then it was just like smoke and noug, man. Freedom of expression. We went to a Unitarian church. Henry and I grew up in a Unitarian church. And we would like meditate, eat bagels. And then my mother and I sang

Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas. I could just see you and Henry meditating just eating bagels. It's the only way they would have meditated. If there was no bagels involved they would have just been sitting there pissed off. Did you guys do it? This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine Oh yeah! This little light of mine. Oh, that's fun. I'm gonna let it shine. Oh, yeah. This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. But not in Muslim countries. Let it shine. The creepiest one. Not in New York City.

The creepiest one we used to sing was Jesus Loves Me. Jesus, you know, Jesus loves me. Yes, I know. Oh, yeah. We are weak, but he is strong. That was always the line Jesus loves me. Yes, I know. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are weak, but he is strong. That was always the line that bothered me. Well, that's the thing. Christians love to be weak.

We had the song, I am a C-H, I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N. Amen. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N. I will love him, love him, love him till he comes. I will love him, love him, love him

till he comes, till the end. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N Christian! Comes, comes, comes! When I was... In my mouth! Yeah, comes and comes and comes again in my mouth.

One, two, Freddy's coming for you. That's what Jesus was to me! I'm telling you. That is very funny because I literally watched Nightmare on Elm Street when I was 11 and I was going through this terrible, horrific Christian situation and I was like, oh, Jesus is Freddy Krueger. I had no idea. I guess he does love

boys. My God, that explains so much about you. Oh, I was devastated. When I was a kid, in fourth grade, I went to GNFC, Good News Fellowship Church. I went to their school. This is a step up from my mom homeschooling me, which means I slept until noon and she didn't teach me anything. And we made fake swords and we put biblical scriptures on the swords and the school was building another school on the lot.

So we walked around for four hours praying around the vacant lot where the school was going to be like ground zero and just like praying that the school was going to be successful and that was like classes one through five. Well how's the school doing? It's doing terrible. No I actually think it's doing alright in Stevens Point Wisconsin. It's fucking just absolute and everyone was there was a

reformed homosexual guy named Steve who was the biggest flaming fucking gay ever. And he was reformed. He married a girl named Teresa who was 40 years old, an over-the-road truck driver who had shoulders larger than fucking Jack Tatum who just died. She was fucking massive. She had a small beard. She was virtually Santa Claus nine times, you know, 12 months out of the year. And that's how he wasn't gay.

That's right, you know, the gays married the lesbians. This is the solution. Yeah, that was it. To, you know, the whole homosexual marriage thing, you know? Hold on, I hear it. That's so not even far off base. I promise you that was the logic. If two gays married two lesbians,

they'd just live with each other and collect all the normal shit. Exactly. Have a little big house, four people living in it. Beautiful. Nobody would know. No. I mean, everybody would know. That's a good way around it. Oh, there's a whole series of ways around the gay marriage laws.

I think that's the best way. Wow. You hear that, gays? Listen up. Lesbians and gays don't really like each other that much, though. There's a huge riff. No lesbian. I mean, lesbians, I like lesbians, but they also

remind me of the guys I could never hang out with because they're just so machismo. They're almost the guys that I'm not masculine enough to hang out with lesbians. Is that why I get along with lesbians so much? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You're far more bravado, more beefy than the average man.

I love lesbians. Lesbians love me. It's a wonderful situation. It's great. You look like a lesbian. When you shave your beard, you do resemble John Waters. What's the name of the fellow there? Divine.

Divine. You do have a divine type look's the name of the fellow there? Divine. Divine. You do have a divine type look to you, which is... Thank you. Absolutely. It's a total compliment. Actually, that really is. Lesbians, whenever you hang out with a lesbian, I just feel like I'm going to get beat up. I feel like I'm hanging out with a member of the Crips or something.

I'm very, very scared. I have a huge redneck. You know what? Sarah from Roseanne, you know, the middle child, just came out. Oh, good. Thank God. Before Darlene? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Before Darlene, Sarah Gilbert. Wow, she was a hottie, right? She was a hottie blonde. No, no, no. She was the brunette. She was the brunette. The brunette.

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The brunette. The brunette. The brunette. The brunette. The brunette. The brunette. The brunette. The Oh, so Darlene did come out. Thank God. Darlene did come out. Darlene showed her titties in Red Shoe Diaries.

Oh, fantastic. I love Red Shoe Diaries. Hands off. Hands off, boys. Elizabeth Hasselbeck just got into a bit of trouble, too, for talking about the lesbians. Her stance was older lesbians, they just can't get a man. Oh, yeah. Which is impossible. But she can only get a backup quarterback.

Plays for the Seahawks. He doesn't play for nobody. He doesn't play anybody, Matt. No, that's his brother. Oh, really? Yeah, she married Tim Hasselbeck. And he's also bald. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck that. Apparently straight men, straight women can only get balding fucking ex-athletes who are terrible at their position. Yeah, lesbians get whoever they want. But I don't think that's actually true. If a lady is straight and a lady wants the old D, they will get that D whenever they want it. A 90-year-old woman can get laid.

You can go on OkCupid and there's a whole section for it. Well, she can just go to a nursing home with a bottle of Viagra and find some dude to bang her out. Totally. Yeah. I can get a 90-year-old woman to bang at any time. Absolutely. So I don't know. I disagree get a 90-year-old woman to bang me anytime. Absolutely. So I don't know.

I disagree with her logic on that one. Yeah, man. I mean, does anyone think that's correct? What do you mean? What do you mean? What, you think a 90-year-old woman shouldn't get banged out? Is that what you're saying? I think a 90-year-old woman should get banged out entirely.

I think all elderly, I mean, I think the elderly institutions should allow more fucking. Well, that's all they have to do. Like, I mean, play Scrabble and get fucking laid man my grandparents still fuck that's great because my mom told me well that's disgusting how does her mom know how does the mom know yeah i know but like how does the mom know that her parents are still fucking because Because grandma told her. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said, actually. I'm blowing him in here. I'm blowing him in here. The exact quote is, she says, if I can maybe do a Texas accent. I think it's so cute that grandma and granddad still have sex. I think that's great. I think it's fantastic.

I think it's beautiful. It is cute. It is cute. What do you call your grandma? Grandma. Oh, okay. Well, I think that's great. I think it's beautiful, man. I think it's beautiful. That is cute. What do you call your grandma? Grandma. Oh, okay. I call my babu. Babu? Babu.

I call my grandfather papa. Papa? Grammy. I'm just excited to be an elderly man with a huge boner and my skin falls off like a bad Halloween costume or something, you know? It's got a nice little lizard thing or like a gizzard. The skin falls off the penis. Little known fact. No, the skin doesn't fall off, you know? It's got a nice, like, a little lizard thing or, like, a gizzard. The skin falls off the penis. Little known fact.

No, the skin doesn't fall off, does it? It does. It gets really, really saggy. It does. Old man dick. Yeah, yeah. It gets, like, in the guano type thing. Yeah, it gets drippier.

I mean, I went to a nude beach. There's no way. Hold on, hold on, hold on. So you're saying, like, all the skin's going to fall off my dick and then there's going to be new skin? No, no, there is no new skin. That's the skin, bro. That's all you get. So the skin's going to fall off my dick and then there's going to be new skin? No, no, there is no new skin. That's the skin, bro. That's all you get.

So the skin's going to fall off my dick and there's going to be a pile of horrible meat? No, it is a pile. No, but it just kind of like hangs there and just kind of floats around. Old man penis, it's far larger than the young man huang. I mean, it just totally lets go. Gravity takes its course. I mean, the balls really hang low on the old man. I went to a nude beach with my baby a couple of weekends ago, and a dude had the biggest balls I've ever seen.

I mean, just massive, five inches around, looked like they had cancer. And I'm telling you, they ate his penis. He had no penis. It was just a hole, like some sort of volcano or ground zero once again. It was very fascinating. I can't imagine. Those things drained. Yeah, you gotta get them drained.

But I feel like when you're older, your dick completely changes. Do you think it just becomes like you're uncircumcised? Or do you think you could like jack them off with like the skin around their dick? I think you can like just jack them off

by, you know, staying fully clothed and just... I don't even know how... I don't know. I'm not sure. Do you suck them? Do you fuck them? I don't know. We've got a home worker assignment tonight. We're all going to talk to our fathers.

Do I have to? Am I included in this? Absolutely. This is going to be a great conversation. You've proven yourself not to be a woman. My mom was just telling me that her and dad have finally gotten comfortable with fucking

while their little dog is in the room. Oh. Little dog, Willie. Oh, little Willie. Little Willie likes to watch the fox. He's a little Yorkie.

Yeah, yeah. He just kind of sits there at the corner of the bed and just, you know. I always think that's so weird because dogs know something's going on. They smell it.

I mean, hold on. Could you have sex with your lady? You have a big Doberman Pinscher. You're successful. Five years from now, you're a big-time writer. You have a house in New Hampshire. How big am I? Am I, like, making how much money?

I'm talking $200,000, $250,000 a year. Do I, like, become a Jew? Yes. I mean, that's the only reason you made it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Assume that happens. Okay. So you're hanging out. How big is my cock? Like, is it bigger? No, if you're a Jew, that's the only reason you made it. Yeah, yeah. Assume that happens. Okay. So you're hanging out.

What makes my cock? Like, is it bigger? No, if you're a Jew, it's smaller. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's smaller. That's one of the things. They take about four inches off. Yeah, yeah.

But nonetheless, you're getting ladies because you have the money. Kitchen's tiled. Kitchen's absolutely tiled. No, you know linoleums out the window. Yeah, yeah. It's tired. Kitchen. Got a good pool.

You got to get the grout fixed every once in a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hire some little guys to do that. Yeah, the only thing you complain about is water temperature. That's your only complaints. That's what he kibitzes about. It's so fucking hot. It's too hot.

I'm hot. That's right. You were taught how to be Jewish by Jackie Mason. So that's pretty much all that that is about Multiple shower heads Of course I mean you're Jewish brother I'm just getting into it Multiple shower heads

You're bathed up You're with your fucking baby What's her hair color It's black It has to be dark It has to be a wig She's Jewish It's a couple blonde has to be dark and it has to be a wig. She's Jewish. You're straight up.

Yeah, that's true. There's a couple blonde Jews, but they're real expensive. Very, very expensive. They're also called Asians. But yeah, so you're banging this Asian Jewish chick with blonde hair. Oh, man. You're Doberman and you're really getting in there. God, man.

Can I go beat off for it? No, you can't beat off. You can't beat off. I'm like rich. I'm Jewish. I'm begging this beautiful. Right. Lord, you.

Whenever you come, it's like, hand me the $100 bill. I have to come. That's your ride. Oh, man. And then I just wipe it on her titties. That's what she wants. And then she keeps it. And she goes shopping the next day.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. She gets like, let's just get a Ferrari. So you're about to come on her titties. You're reaching for the $100 bill. Your Doberman walks into the room. You're like, I need to go poo. I need to go poo.

I want to party. I want to party. Sniffles, sniffles. No. On your butt, in your butt. In my business, the dog is sniffing my ass. Dogs are sniffy. That's what dogs do, yeah.

I actually knew a guy who was fucking a girl, and the dog came into the room and started licking his asshole. There it is. And he just let it do it. Absolutely. He was like, it felt great. It's called a poor man's threesome. I love it. It's enema, you know?

Yeah, it's great. I thought we were straying from sex. No, we're not talking about sex. We're talking about holding a chick. We're talking about dogs. We're talking about animals. Married and turning Jewish. This isn't about sex, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm like super funny. Everyone's just like, you're the funniest guy. No, no, no. We're not going crazy. We're talking about animals. Let's get married and turn it Jewish. This isn't about sex, ladies and gentlemen. I'm like super funny. Like, everyone's just like, you're the funniest guy. No, no, no. We're not going crazy. We're not going crazy. Okay, so you're just having sex with this Jewish woman. She's kind of laughing, but only because, like, she loves you. Okay, so. I think it's better if the dog doesn't bark, just comes in and stares at you.

Well, it's definitely going to give you mental signs of anguish. Okay. Is it Holden's dog or his wife's dog? It is the dog they bought together as a baby dog. It was a rescue dog. So it likes the wife more. Well, of course. I mean, Holden's a terrible father.

He's got no compassion. He's a soulless man. So you want to keep on going in this situation. All right. Well, I mean, this is easy. I mean, by this point, I feel like I'd be used to it. I've got raw meat, raw steaks. Oh, you just have them ready.

Yeah, yeah, ready to go. Raw filet mignons. Oh, wow. Fucking ready to go. And I'm just like, oy, oy, you know, and I throw the steak at the dog, and it's eating the steak, and I'm coming on this beautiful, beautiful Jew. Is oi oi the noise you make to the dog? Is that the noise that you make when you come? Yeah, I'm just blown away by it all.

Blown away that I'm in this mansion house fucking doing all this stuff right now. I can just picture the dog with all his dog yarmulke that's cut out for his ears. He just kind of walks in there. Yeah, you know, we're about to have the bar mitzvah, the dog mitzvah. And, you know, I throw the steak at the dog.

It's eating the steak. I'm coming on this bitch. And it's just like, we're both sharing in kind of like a beautiful experience, like the most basic human dog needs. And the dog is in your butt at this point. Yeah, now we're fucking high pawing. I'm just like, I'm giving it, yeah, I'm giving it, I'm like snapping at it and shit.

I mean, because I'm guessing this gum session is going to be like a long time. Right, right. It's like one of the best psychosomatic fucking beautiful like climactic experience. Except that means you're going to come in like three seconds. Yeah, yeah, but time slows down, you know? Oh yeah, when you're fucking those Asian Jews, it always slows down. Oh my lord, you know, how would she speak?

I wouldn't even know. She's like, oi, nika-daka-dika-dika. Yeah, yeah, yeah, something similar to that. And now, so what happens when you come all over her buzz, her face, her tummy, and her, maybe her buttocks, and the dog comes in and says, I'm a bit hungry and I want a salty pretzel. And he treats

your wife as if she's some sort of crazy carnival food. I'm TiVo-ing it by then. Yeah, you're done. I'm downstairs. I'm in the in-house movie theater. That's what a dog's there to finish her off. Sure, yeah. Behind closed doors, man, I don't care, man.

She can just get off, get her nicks off. I mean. Get your rocks off. That explains why the dog's name is Shower. Chow Goldman is getting that, you know. But I've also got like Wing Walk Spiegelman in the other room, you know. Right. I just feel like if you're going to have an animal lick out your puss, you might as well have a cat do it with a sandpaper tongue.

That's terrifying. I mean, you don't need a Doberman pincher. Marcius, your father has a story about trying to get blown by an animal with a relatively cat-feeling tongue. Absolutely. My dad, whenever he was about 12, somewhere around there,

he looked at a cow sucking on a nipple, and he thought, hey, that nipple looks a lot like my dick. Really? Yeah. That's the weird part to me. Not the fact that he had a cow suck his dick. The fact that he thought that cow's nipples looked like his dick.

Yeah. Well, I mean, he's a strange man. Burnett says we've talked about this a few times. A couple times. Kevin finished the story from Augustine. That's kind of what I wasett says we've talked about this a few times. A couple times. Kevin finished the story for Marcus. That's kind of what I was thinking. We've talked about this. Let's just get to the point then.

Either way, I should have just made more of a statement. Marcus Parks' father is disgusting. Oh, God, yes. No, no, no. We're both on equal levels of disgusting. Can we just go back to me being a millionaire? With the dog. With my dream. With my dream.

With Jism. In the house. My dream, man. You with your faking thong and the dog eating it out. Oh, my God. And then I'm just watching Apocalypse Now in my in-house movie theater. God bless it. Thank you for listening to the cast.

You're bringing my dream to reality. Oh, yeah. I do want to say right now, I do want to give a shout out to David Nigon Gawilliam. David Nigon Gawilliam. He's a fellow. I met him at John and Molly Get Along. You don't know David? No, I don't know him. David's amazing. He works at Paradis

over with Carly. There it is. Either way, he's listened to every episode. David's amazing. Thank you, David. Thank you very much for listening. Thanks for listening, David. Appreciate it, man. Dave's amazing.

I love that kid. Is David single? David is single. Yes, David is recently divorced. Perfect. On the edge of insanity. Give him FAHVs, David. Now's your time.

Seriously, oh, my God, Jackie Jackie I so see you With a divorcee Yeah You were so totally The guy that Or the girl That a guy gets with Yeah Cause they're desperate

If I gotta say One problem about David David's got one problem He doesn't like rock and roll As much as he likes techno Nope Alright then it's over But he's got really

He's got really long fingers And he's got great taste In comedy And his tongue is a finger Oh yeah But he's got really long fingers. And he's got great taste in comedy. And his tongue is a finger. What were you talking to Kevin about over there? I was actually going to ask Kevin, have you ever slept with an Asian girl? That's what I'm saying, man.

No. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, dude, out of all the ethnicities of girls that I've... Asian girls? Boring. Boring? Wow. No, man. I completely disagree.

Maybe just Texas Asians are boring. No, I've had... They're called Mexicans. I've had West Coast Asians, East Coast Asians, all of them. A little bit boring. Did you choke them? Eh. Hey, listen. A little bit boring. Did you choke them? Jesus, Eddie.

Yeah. I mean, well, they're not Taiwanese. One of them. Wait, wait, all right. One of them really dug it, but, you know. Well, these New York Asians, man, they seem fucking, you know, that's a whole different story. You know, actually, the only Asians, you know, I've went around the world, or went around the Pacific as far as Asians go. I'll tell you the best ones,

Filipinos. Filipinos are fucking awesome. Is that Asian? Filipinos, yeah. Filipinos are tight. I'll give Hawaiians Asian even. I'll even give them that far. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. I had sex with an Asian girl. Asian girls are so fucking hot. They're fucking hot. Mostly it's Chinese girls, but from my experience. You like Chinese girls? No, no, no. Chinese girls are boring. hot. Mostly it's Chinese girls, but from my experience. You like Chinese girls? No, no, no.

Chinese girls are boring. Round faces. Yeah. No, no, no. I mean, in bed, Chinese girls are kind of boring. You wonder if they just evolved the slantier eye

because the male penis on the Asian is so tiny and they had to see it. Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Hey. Come with me on the podcast. I am Ben Kissel, ladies and gentlemen. I could assist you with that right now.

I had sex with an Asian girl one time on a bathroom floor in college. It was absolutely fantastic. It was a filthy bathroom floor. Well, it's because you were in a bathroom floor. It doesn't matter who it is. It could have been me and it would have been amazing. Well, that would have been incredible. Big old pussy on that, Eddie's asshole.

I'll tell you that. Just somehow that dream has dodged me all these years. I don't know what it is, man. I still haven't banged an Asian yet either. Although I'm not very attracted to them. I am. I'm not that attracted to Asian girls either. I love Spanish girls.

I can't even help myself. Well, Hispanic and Asian are at the top of my list. But Asian right now, maybe a little higher just because I've never done it before. So all you Asians out there... All you Asians out there, our huge Asian population, isn't it? I got an air conditioner. I came up. You're on

Castlevania for PlayStation. So we're all looking for love now. So what's the next race everyone wants to have sex with? Jackie, you want to have sex with another race? You got something in the old mind there? I mean, I've gone through a few races, but Asian is definitely not one

that I will ever... I will say, I feel terrible for Asian men. Yeah. Me too, man. I know so many women who are just like... I can't do it. You gotta learn those electronics and get rich. And do those things. I hate electronics, and I'm never gonna be rich. My neighbors are Chinese. They have the most beautiful Asian son.

You've seen my Asian neighbor. My Asian man neighbor. Yeah, he's still Asian, though. He's still Asian, but he's huge. Yeah. He's a Yao Ming. Chinese fly. I mean, Yao Ming, I would fuck.

I know a gigantic Asian guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But actually like a burly dude. Women love that shit. Charlie Bogan. Hell of a name. Grew up in Oak Cliff, Dallas. Nice.

Tough motherfucker. The only way for these Asians, if you want to get girls your age to start breakdancing because y'all are the best. You took it from us. All right, you win. That's you.

Now, so take that shit and use it to your advantage. Like, really, because Asians are amazing. Like, the breakdancers in Korea destroy everything. Korea?

Korea. North or south? South. They're probably just trying to dodge bullets. Like, the breakdancers in Korea destroy everything. Korea? Korea. North or south? South. They're probably just trying to dodge bullets. There's no breakdancing in North Korea. No, no.

There's nothing in Korea except sadness. There's not even any sadness. Breakdancing is just them sitting there. No, but they literally have, there's one breakdancer in Korea,

and his name is, they call him The End. Like, that's literally what his name is. He just goes out there and fucking destroys everything. They have, there's one breakdancer in Korea, and his name is, they call him The End. Like, that's literally what his name is. He just goes out there and fucking destroys. They have, like, all the baddest names because they can. Because they're fucking that good that they can destroy everything. Alright, we're YouTubing some shit after this, by the way. The End, Darkness, Rivers Crew,

Gamblers Crew. Wow, you know a lot about this. Did you say The Darkness? Darkness is his name. Holy shit. It's like they just have these evil ass names because they're just that good. No, it really is. And then Korea is like all like the powerheads. Like they do all these crazy like poses and crazy flips and crazy shit that no one else can do. Because they're so light.

Yeah. But then Japan. They weigh like 44 pounds. But then for a while America was like, oh man, y'all doing all this crazy power shit, but y'all can't dance like we do or whatever. And Japan turned that shit around. There's a group in Japan called the Ichigechi Crew. Oh, shit. Ichigechi Crew fucking destroys.

Sounds like people who have bed bugs. The routine they do is the most insane shit on the earth. It's beautiful. Oh, man. They need to stick to that shit. No, that's what they. It's far past us. Break dancing gets you fucking late.

Yeah, yeah. Ichigechi, Ichigechi, Ichigechi. Bed bugs off of me. Let me ask you. It's far past us. Breakdancing gets you fucking late. Itchy, itchy, itchy. Bed bugs off of me. Any of you guys slept with an Arab? No. I would have fucked Sina. That's next on my list. I am sexually racist.

I've realized this recently. I like the lily white skin. I want the hair red. I want you to be so white. Oh, man. You're just like... Red is the darkest color on your body. I really, really, really want to get back into redhead girls.

Hold them fucks just like Hitler. Yeah. I'm, you know... You should see him in the ocean. Jellyfish run. It's very bizarre. If any of you ladies out there have an Eva Braun thing going on, his name is Alvy Singer on OkCupid.

The Alvy Singer. Oh name is Alvy Singer on OkCupid. The Alvy Singer. Oh. The Alvy Singer. And I've got a cock like a cannon. It's gigantic. It's, you know. It's really not true.

No, it's, you know, it's like a 1900s cannon. Yeah, like one of the tiny, like one of the little model ones. One shoot. An old cock. His cock fell off.

He had to get an old man's cock who died and willed it to him. Sewed it on. It kind of works. But it's like an old cannon. Could still do some damage. Is it still drippy the way old men's cocks are? Okay, there is a drip.

But it's like you can cut it off if you just pinch this little nerve underneath the balls. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. A really fantastic episode. Any last comments by anybody? Who wants to give a shout out? Come see Dog Shit August 5th. Dog Shit August 5th, the crawfish thing.

I guess that'll be over by the time you hear this. It will be over by the time. It was an amazing show and you guys all missed it. It was great. It was awesome. We had so much crawfish. Thank you so much for listening. Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. The

Jewish Holden McNeely. Corpse murder. The In Need of Love from the Asian Kevin Barnett. Come see me on Xbox Live. Alright, I'm Ben Kissel and as always with us, the newsman, Marcus Parks. Yeah.

Have a good commute, ladies and gentlemen.