The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 90: No Pants Paloma

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table, a man is ripped in half during a fight on the train tracks, a boy let's loose his feelings on the Cub Scouts, and a prom ends with a bloody ball of spit in a cop's face. Joining us today is CCR's own Sara Benincasa and resident racist Mike Recine!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. Dear Lord, thank you for the New York City subway

system. For all of the joys and the wonderful things that we see on there. From the dicks to the boobs, to the man with no face, to the man with too many faces. My eyes. My eyes. They took my eyes. Thank you for the man and his many faces. My eyes. My eyes. My eyes. My eyes. They took my eyes.

Thank you for the man and his wife who play the accordion and parade their tiny little baby around and laugh and laugh. That baby's stolen. It's a different baby each time. I saw one had red hair, one had black hair.

Thank you for the man with no teeth that always wears the baseball cap and is extremely frizzy haired. That's just Kevin Barnett. What is that, man? And finally, thank you for all of the wonderful, wonderful ladies that occupy the train, specifically the L train, every single day. Amen. Amen.

Amen. The boobies are back out, everybody. Oh, yeah. The boobies are back out everybody I know Speaking of boobies, welcome to the round table Gentlemen, who is the most beautiful woman that the round table has ever seen? Jackie Zabrowski I got junk in the trunk Ed Larson

Holder McNeely, swag swag Jesus Christ Kevin Barnett looked better than all of y'all. That's true. I'm Ben Kissel. With us in the Chucklehead, we got Mike Racist Racine. He hates blacks. What are you talking about?

Alright, good intro. And Sarah Benincasa. Thanks for being here, Sarah. I'll tell you, you were beautiful. If your tits were your eyes, I would look at your tits less. I don't know what that means, but I enjoy the thought. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, bring us the

local news for the day. I love the local news, which ties into the prayer. A heartbroken queen's mother is trying to comprehend how her son's night out with friends ended in his death after a random encounter with a rowdy strap hanger resulted

in her son being struck and killed by the L train. I think strap hanger needs to go. I love strap hanger. But we hang on bars. Unless you ride the bus. If you ride the bus. It makes you think of, what is it called? A banana boat? When a man wears a tiny underpants.

Yes. Sasha Baron Cohen style. Yeah. Indeed. So this fella, he was on the L train, he was feuding with another man and they ended up getting on a tumble and a tussle on the tracks? Yeah, they got into a fight and then the fight ended up on the tracks apparently. I haven't read the story.

How did they get down there? They flipped. Yeah, they were wrestling and then I guess they fell down there and they kept fighting and then uh and then the train started coming and the one guy hopped up and got away and the other guy tried to hop up but he got halfway up and then the train came and severed his body and that'll happen yeah and then he was just stuck between the train and the platform with just his upper body and screaming i was on a train like right before I passed

through Bedford. They were like, we're going to skip Bedford, you know, so we don't have to see the horror. But I was looking out and I was seeing a dude detained in question. I saw cops all around the place. You know, I didn't see Crushed Dude, thank God. But yeah, it was fucking intense, man. I love the idea.

You're still looking for Crush, dude. Of course. Every time I'm on the Bedford stop or pretty much anywhere off the L, it's just like, everyone here should jump on the tracks. You know that huge bullet that's coming? Get killed by it. I hate you all. No, I care about the story now more that I know that the kid was from Queens.

I've got this deep loyalty now all of a sudden, now that I live in Long Island City. And that's where we record to people who get severed in Queens or who are from Queens and get severed wow is he cute? he wasn't that cute he was a Latin stallion he posted a whole bunch of pictures on his Facebook

Kevin that you saw did you find that one too? no no no I thought you had it pulled up pull it up in your phone a couple of days before he was on the L train He was posing very, very cool Next to a train coming on And he left a comment like

It's almost like I got hit by the train And it's like maybe if you wouldn't have left that comment You would have gotten hit by a train He was probably reading the secret Yeah, maybe he just really wished it Is this a success story? That's the question, is this what the boy wanted? This is a secret success story. He's an Oprah fan.

You probably had some Matrix fantasies going on there. Wanted to get into a badass fight in the train. Tried to jump. Tried to do a backflip. I mean, it sounds cool as shit. It sounds like an 80s martial arts movie. It is amazing. So apparently, though, he was trying to get up and the train was going so strong

that it actually didn't stop until it was four cars in on him. I'd imagine the conductor was so freaked out that he forgot to put the brake on. Yeah. I mean, it does sound like a martial arts movie. And it's bizarre they can't find the fellow that he was fighting. As far as I'm concerned, Chow Yun-Fat. He was like a Highlander where they go back into different generations of time. He went straight to the Port Authority

and he got on the next bus out of town. If he's smart. If you guys are talking about it being an 80s action movie, this is what makes it. So Basin and the apparently drunk passenger started arguing. A battle resulted in an all-out fight when the two left the train at the same time.

Were they arguing over who will get hit by the train first? So this guy actually won. They left the train at the same time at the Bedford Avenue station in Brooklyn. The aggressive strap hanger said, before pummeling Basin, It's showtime!

It's awesome! And it was showtime. If you had the honor to be there, it's like fuck street musicians. You guys had a witness, right? You have an eyewitness. Yeah, remember the guy we saw showed up white as a ghost. Yes, Eddie and I are doing a rock show at the Trash Bar, and this fella shows up. I think he was like 20 minutes later,

and he's like, you'll never believe what happened. And what was his story, Ed? His story is he just saw a guy pinned between the track and the platform, screaming, flailing his arms everywhere. So the guy was still alive when the train came in. What's he saying? There's no space between the train and the platform. No, it's an inch and a half, two inches.

But, Holden, keep in mind, he was a hipster, very thin. No, he wasn't. Oh, he was Latin. You can't be a Latin hipster? No. You got reverse racism going on here? That's my extreme question, is what was he doing getting off of the Bedford stop? Everybody gets off of the Bedford stop.

He got off the train to fight like a real Latin would. He died from his authenticity. He looks like a cast member of the kind of kid who would try out to be on Jersey Shore. Yeah. I think he's sexy in how perturbed he is. I bet he was pretty sexy when he was strapped there. He's got a very pouty look about him. He's pouty, he's sad, he's got a very sculpted facial piece of hair there, which I think is always... Clean, the dude's clean.

He is clean. He definitely looks like that on purpose, which I think is even sadder. He's got the pubic hair chin. The guy he fought had a mullet, right? Yeah, the guy he fought has a mullet. So off the Bedford stop, it's going to be hard to find a guy with a mullet. There's a million ironic mullets. It's a white dude from Sweden who killed him. Well, which one?

So Kevin, you got the thing pulled up here. This is the exact thing. It's like his friend put up the picture of Rich York. And it's him. The guy got killed. He's standing next to a train pointing at the camera like all cool and shit. And so the dude who got killed is Joshua Basin. So he writes, looks like I almost got hit by the train.

Laugh out loud. And his friend comments, bro, if you got caught somehow, you would have got dragged right under it. And me and you would have both got fucked up Laugh out loud Then he writes yup These are not funny statements And then the craziest part He's like yup we would have been on a 10 o'clock news

With a headline like two drunks caught by train Laugh out loud laughing my ass off Oh my god They actually say laugh out loud laughing my ass off This is less than a week before that I never get that on Facebook. People put lol in the weirdest places. It's like three fat guys would be talking about us on a podcast somewhere.

Lol. We're going to get the fattest podcast around that nobody listens to to talk about us. Lol. Hello, Israel. Oh, and Cambodia. This story goes out to Cambodia and Guam. I believe we have a couple of listeners out there We have some listeners all over the country We're going to start recognizing you in every show

Thank you Guam This show is dedicated to Guam Guam is a part It's a US territory Well thank you for the melons Thank you for the mangoes and the melons Is that a breast thing? I think that, yeah, they send us their breasts.

They send us their tits. It's terrible to be a woman in Guam, but good for us. Somebody's Wikipedia Guam right now. Yeah, I can do that. Israel, I'd like to say shalom. So what do you think? Get the Palestine's out. Good work.

Absolutely. Kevin and I were talking. If they do catch this fellow that he was fighting On the subway tracks Does he get charged With first degree murder Not first degree murder Second degree murder I just What's with the degrees though

Is it murder though I don't understand I think it's It's at the very least Third degree Second degree murder Or at the least Manslaughter

At the most Second degree murder I'm thinking Since there's so much Press going on with this They're definitely Going to charge this guy With murder They give him a salt With a tent to kill I just think it's ridiculous But why did they Yeah why did they Take the fight I'm thinking since there's so much Press going on with this They're definitely going to charge this guy with murder

They give him assault with intent to kill Why did they take the fight onto the tracks I think it probably just rolled onto the tracks But at the same time Why is it manslaughter Why is it that He couldn't get out of the tracks He probably didn't look back

He probably jumped up and just fucking ran I was saying that too The dude pushed him out of the tree he was in a train he pushed him out of the train he had no choice but to fight this dude that's why that's not true you can stay on the train the door shut and you have an easy way out we're talking about latin dude yeah all right i mean what about latin culture got the uh guy who survived he was the guy who uh started the fight that's what i was saying well before i was saying they probably couldn't charge him with murder, but now that I see that he was like...

Another guy could be like 30-something too. This is a poor little 20-year-old kid. He hasn't even developed his man muscles yet. Maybe he just didn't understand... Bang! Can somebody break it down for me, though? What's the difference between first-degree murder, second-degree murder, third-degree murder?

First-degree murder is what blacks and Latinos are charged of. Third-degree murder is what women are charged of. And second degree murder is what whites and Asians are charged of. Yeah, what whites get. Asians are always charged of murder by math. I just couldn't figure him out. Just murdering animals, whatever that is. Well, good for this kid.

Do you think the guy's going to be caught? What's interesting is that this wasn't on camera. I always thought those subway stations were totally lit up with cameras. There has to be. There's only like six cameras in the whole fucking station. You're not going to catch everything. Yeah, I suppose not. And here's another detail about this man.

God, his mom's fat. Is she fat? He's got a fat mother. He deserved to die. It should have been his mother. The train would have been fucked up. More developments in the

shocking story. A Puerto Rican lady is fat. She's not that fat. She's Spanish. Come on. She's got curves. She's got a 20-pound head. Yeah, call it what you will.

He does look like the kind of dude who, like, he would be at the Puerto Rican Day Parade, and he wouldn't have the snake, but, like, his fat cousin would. And he'd just be standing next to him, kind of, like, smiling. Yeah. He wouldn't, like, rape all the girls, but he would just, like, hang out with his friends after they did and silently judge them.

Yeah, he's the guy holding the camera phone. Yeah. Right. How else will they know how cool you are, Tony? Yeah. That's exactly true. How else will they know how cool you are, Tony? Here's a fun fact about him He was born premature And his twin brother didn't make it

So he's been murdering people In desperate situations His entire life And this was the battle that he finally lost You can imagine the in utero Battle that he had to have With his imagine the in utero battle that he had to have with his twin brother to get out of that pussy alive.

Why would they say that in this newsreel? Because it's the New York Post. Oh, it's the Post! I love the Post! I love the Post! And he was a psychology major at LaGuardia Community College. Oh, he was going to the...

He was a psych major? Yeah. He was going to school. He should have out-thunked this guy. I don't understand what happened. This is very, very sad. Again, like the majors, you've got to bend the spoon.

You can't just be fucking around right there. This was actually a test by his psych. Is this... Completely failed. Ate the wrong pill. Is this the worst way to die on a subway platform? Yes Getting raped and then that happening

Getting raped and then thrown on fire And then you're hit by a train Yeah, but we're talking endgame here I'm going to say What actually delivers the final question I'm going to say the flood in the tracks You fall in, there's electric snakes in the water. Well, how do they get there?

By electric snakes. Come through the tunnel. Yeah, they come through the tunnel. They come from, you know, and then the train comes and hits the snakes into you harder. All right, all right, I got it. You get fucked to death by a mariachi band. Cue the music. They don't stop playing guitars the entire time

Oh it's awful I have a reverse nose My ass is all over my ears Just give me some peace and quiet While I dance I'm jumping in front of the train Because that dad has everything It has rape and mariachi bands

Two worst things that can happen on the subway. When those fuckers, when you're on there and you're going to some fucking shit job that you have and it's like 7 in the morning. And those motherfuckers come on there and they smile.

They're delightful Mexican friends. They're so happy. I know, I hate it when Mexicans try to make a living. You just want to be like, I wasn't up all night like you. This is my morning. I actually really like the mariachi bands. They're good.

A lot of them are really good. I like them in certain situations. I like them at around 3 p.m. When I used to be a teacher, which is a true thing I did, and I was coming home from high school, I would love when the mariachi bands were on because they were fun. The kids were into it, would dance.

It was funny. Any other time of day, any other situation, I get angry. I remember one time I saw a mariachi guy. He was solo, just with a guitar. And he started playing to me and the girl I was with. But he had four teardrop tattoos. Yes! Yes!

Just tell your girlfriend to love him. Give him a dollar. There's this black guy on the L train, and he's got a guitar. And he'll come up to you, and he plays this song just for you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I booked him. Really? Yeah, I fucking booked him.

Yeah, he played here at the Creek and the Cape. He's got a 12-string guitar. He played for me in 2008. And then I've seen him on the train a bunch of times, and I avoided him for four years. He's so nice. No, he's not. It's so awkward, and you have to give him money.

Right, that's the thing. The other day, me and my girlfriend and my friend got on the L train, and the door shut, and he was right in front of us. And I had avoided this guy for like four years and then he... He got you, man! He fucked me half to death with his... Did you give him money? What?

Did you give him money? Of course! He always plays the same song, though! Come Together! Yeah, it's always Come Together! Did he play Come Together here at the Creek? Yes, he did. He's a nice fella. It sounded great. I mean, he's played it here at the Creek 17 times for the 17 people that were here. But guys like that are at least better

than the folks who just go on and ask for a change and then as soon as you give them a change, the door is open and then they always say something mean to somebody. At least he plays an instrument. That's kind of nice. He won't leave you alone. You can give him money and he'll still sit there.

You know, I had a situation with him. I was very sad. I was very lonely. And he just played right next to me and it was kind of nice. I told him I wasn't going can give him money and he'll still sit there. You know, I had a situation with him. I was very sad. I was very lonely. And he just played right next to me. And it was kind of nice. I told him I wasn't going to give him any money. And he was just like, I don't care. And he just played it. I mean, it was annoying.

The problem is, what sucks is when the My Eyes guy comes up to you and he plays his eye holes for you. The My Eyes guy is a fellow who's been around the Brooklyn Trains for quite a while, he has no eyes His face has been completely burnt by acid He walks around with a billboard as if

He's selling some sort of sandwiches, but it doesn't say $4.99 for tuna, it just tells The story about when his wife Burnt him with acid From the New York Post, and so he goes on the Trains, although we haven't seen him in a while I thought it'd be funny if you went up to him on Halloween

and you were like, ooh, spooky. Yeah, exactly. He's like, this is not my mask. But on Halloween, he probably has like a normal person's face.

Like the Batman. He's like, I've removed my mask. What was the last time you saw him? Two years ago? Oh, yeah. See, I was in there. What I don't understand

is she didn't cut out his tongue. You can say something else besides my eyes. No, his ass had burnt his face. I know, but say something else. Be like, please give me money. I don't think he has a tongue. He only says my eyes. That's because that's the most disgusting part of him, and he wants people to look at it

and give him money for it. I mean, granted, we're not jealous of him. I just always stare at the floor and I laugh. How do you laugh? Jesus Christ, Jack. How do you laugh? It's upsetting and I don't want to deal with my emotions So I'd rather laugh He is like the original Kim Kardashian He just wants money for nothing

When Jackie's upset she just laughs and grabs her breasts Every date she has is very confused Did she like me? There's no decency The ones in Florida would have some decency There's this one in Palm Beach. His name was Flippin' N***a George. Was he white?

No. It was a black dude named Flippin' N***a George. And he would tell white people to call him that. They're like, really? You want us to call him that? He's like, hey, man, I ain't trying to cause no problems. It's Flippin' N***a George. I will give you $100, dude.

He was a crackhead. You give him a dollar, he'd do backflips all the way down the street. That's amazing. That's well worth a dollar. Yeah, but then he moved to New York and started doing jokes about Teen Wolf. Wow. That is a burn on Kevin, by the way. You got burned!

You just got recined! That's why I called him racist. All right. Speaking of cartoon characters, which actually it seems to be, Marcus, tell that one story. We got something here. This is a headline. Cartoon may have inspired kids to set fire. Yeah, of course it did.

The children who set fire to the floor around the bed of their mother and her boyfriend early Friday may have been inspired by a children's cartoon they had been watching. boyfriend early Friday may have been inspired by a children's cartoon they had been watching. The 12-year-old boy and his 10-year-old sister, who admitted setting the fire at their southwest Omaha home, mentioned Tom and Jerry or some other cartoon in which

a fire takes place. That's great. Every cartoon. Yeah. The parents obviously deserved it. Yeah, it was a fire. Kids set fires, you know. It's just what happens. Remember that Beavis and Butthead shit when they were like, oh, it's because nobody understood the... Fire! Fire! Yeah, I mean, come on. No, it's cartoons. Cartoons are going to have

violence in them. If they don't have violence in them, it's not worth watching. Exactly. Especially Tom and Jerry. At least they were watching Tom and Jerry. They weren't watching that new shit that's all about eating vegetables and being nice to everybody. Fuck that shit. Who gives a fuck about that? I don't want to hear the songs that come from it. It's not entertaining. I don't want to hear about the

Bible. I want to watch a fucking cat and a mouse beat the shit out of each other. Go fucking at it, man. Where are the parents? No one blamed cartoons when I dressed up like a woman and blew up my people with dynamite. It was 4.30am on a Friday and the mother and her boyfriend

were in bed with the kids dead. They used some sort of accelerant to encircle the bed, then started the fire. How old were the kids? 10 and 12. Oh, so they're psychopaths. They shouldn't blame the cartoon, just blame science and the fact that these kids know it. Yeah, it left their mother's boyfriend, Jermaine Westbrook, in critical condition with severe burns. And did she live?

Well, she woke up immediately, but she couldn't wake up her boyfriend. Why was he sleeping so heavy? He was fucking hammered. Yeah, he was fucking hammered. Yeah, so she just bailed. They came home drunk. They woke up the kids. They were being terrible fucking parents.

You get burned to death when you're a bad parent. I don't know if they were being bad parents. It's 4.30 in the morning. These could just be devil children that need to be killed as well. Why were they awake? When I was that age, this isn't like a five-year-old playing with matches. You really know what you're doing is

murderous and psychotic. That's deep, deep shit. I'm sure they hated that fucking boyfriend, though. Oh, they had to. Also, at that age, you know the difference between had to. Jeremy, he's probably a douche. Yeah, he must have been. Well, also, because also at that age, you know the difference between right and wrong, and we're knowing that a cartoon is not real and that you cannot do that in real life.

10 and 12 is too old. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cartoons are not real? Fuck you. Shut up. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Fuck her. Jackie, take it easy.

Let Holden. Go fuck your mother. Let me, hold Jackie. Bugs Bunny. Cartoons are real, Holden. Cartoons are real. Thanken. Cartoons are real. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. Thank you. Eddie, you're the only person I know that... So your mother had boyfriends, right? I mean, not when I was a kid. My parents got divorced after I was in college. On my 20th birthday, they got divorced. Oh, what a nice gift.

Yeah, yeah. Does anybody come from a family where the other parent had... Yeah. Where boyfriends were involved? Really? I imagine there must be a lot of resentment. Everyone here came from a family that didn't get divorced? Is this why we're saying terrible things

about Kevin? Kevin's dad just wasn't around, right? What? Kevin's dad's amazing! Kevin's mother is the head of the nursing fucking institute. That man was at every school meeting. Kevin's dad is like The greatest dad on the face of the planet

Jesus Christ Go back to Texas Racine's the racist one On the episode Marcus Dude seriously Kevin I've known you for like two years I've never once heard you mention your father That's because he loves his father And he only talks about things I hate

He hates I only talk about my pain, man. That is bizarre. There's nothing funny about a father who loves you. You need to tell me about the things you love, Kevin. No, where the fuck would I do that from? Who wants to hear that? No one wants to talk about love.

Fuck the things Kevin loves. If I literally sat you down one day like, man, Marcus, man, cats make me happy. I love cats. I'd be like, Kevin, please tell me more about these cats. It sounds like the worst conversation. Yeah, exactly. You'd be licking a knife the whole time. I do it because I'm his friend.

No more talking about cats or nice fathers. That is crazy, though. There's eight of us. We're all in our 20s and 30s, right? Yeah. And not one of us comes from a home that was broken when we were little. Who has gotten close to divorce? And not one of us comes from a home that was broken when we were little. Who has gotten close to divorce?

My parents have. Scares, right? We definitely had scares. My mom left my dad when we moved to Florida from New York. Left him for a year. We didn't know because he was a drunk. He didn't know either. And he figured it out and stopped drinking but then now are more in love

than I've ever seen two people ever be. Your mother is so hot though. She has huge fucking tuxes. They're probably swingers, man. They fuck everybody. They love only each other. I'm telling you, Jackie's mom, Kev. You met my mother, Kevin. When you have a retard kid, it apparently makes your marriage stronger or something.

I ain't no retard. Alright, speaking of retards, Marcus, what's the next story? Oh, we got a retard here. Headline, state rules bar down syndrome student from playing his favorite sport, basketball. Is he good enough to make the team? He is. What state is it? This is Michigan.

The Down syndrome kid's name is Eric Dompierre. He loves sports. They put down in his name? Dompierre. It's Dompierre. Wait, how many free throws do you get if somebody on the other team dry humps a cheerleader?

Is that it? It's a personal foul. No, I've worked with them. They do that kind of thing. Oh, they totally do. I love them very much. I used to always encourage such activities. Eric never let the fact that he was born with Down syndrome

stop him from playing. But now he may have to cheer on his team from the bleachers. It's a battle between Eric's family and the Michigan High School Athletic Association. The association says because he's 19 years old, he isn't allowed to play in his senior year of high school. He's too old!

He's too old! I think they're just using that as an excuse, though. He can't play. He's 19. Right, guys? You can't. I mean, theoretically, he should be playing in elementary school basketball. It goes by intelligence.

You have to gauge these things by something. I don't know. How many basketball players have you ever known? Because some of them are dumb as shit. Exactly. All the girls are talking. But this is almost like a movie, though. You know how in the movie where the retarded kid wants to play sports,

there's always some guy who's too much of a villain? You know, who's like, football's not for retards. Can you just carry two bags? What is your problem? Well, we will say, this is from uppermichigansource.com. He did get Play of the Week with a shot against Nagani Because it went in and he's retarded

He got one shot in so he got Play of the Week Were you allowed to play basketball when you were 19 in high school? I was Free throw champion in my basketball summer camp That's not true I cheated a little bit though I went a little above the line

A little in front of the line And all the kids got really mad I just sunk them one day, I was just hot I cheated a little bit, though. I went a little above the line. I went a little in front of the line. Is that true? And all the kids got really mad. Yeah, yeah. I just sunk them one day. I was just hot. You're the autistic kid.

I sunk them, dude. There were fucking bitches on the sidelines. They were fucking making out with my fucking dick. Excuse me, sir. Can I kiss your dick? Yeah, exactly. It's just like, I went 10 for 10, and they were just like, I'll make you cum fucking one for one, you fat, ugly, fucked piece of shit. Whoa, man. I was like, whoa, what are you adding all that stuff at the end for?

They were just like, I fucking hate you. I hate you, but she was like furiously beating me up the whole time. I fucking, I jammed jizz, but it was fucking blue and brown, brother. It was not fucking normal. Jamming. School colors, man. You're right. I came to school colors, dude.

I came to school colors, but I'll tell you what. In the shape of a shark. Absolutely. That was the fucking best summer of my life, man. Now that boy's dead. Holden is like the most innocent, nicest looking person in here. And he just said some fierce, fierce shit. I don't know if that's true.

You don't know Holden. I've been listening to bad rap music all day, man. looking person in here and he just said some fierce, fierce shit. That's true. I've been listening to bad rap music all day, man. Bitches suck my fucking dick, swag! Swag face, god bitch! It's so bad. What is swag, Holden? I have no idea, but they love it. Kevin, what's swag?

Like swagger? Swag, yeah. I thought swag was like merchandise. It can be. Swag can be a bunch of shit. Oh, I got all this swag over here. Because you were famous at the Oscars or something. Swag, swag.

Dude, have you guys ever watched Ghost Ride the Whip? It's just amazing. I know, Kevin. You've seen it, right? Matt Drake? It's just a man. I know Kevin, you've seen it, right? Matt Drake? Ghost riding is a thing. What is that? Just coming on people when they don't know it? No, no. They will know it.

You're riding around on a motorcycle? No, man. The fuck is wrong with y'all, man? I'm just interpreting it. I'm with you, man. I'm with you. That was that whole... Jackie, don't man I'm with you There was that whole Jackie don't say it like that Yeah dog

With the government There was that whole Bay Area movement I don't even know If it's really happening anymore But they would reference Patrick Swayze all the time Which was great

But it was just all about Like you would be in your car Driving and you just get out And you just dance Next to your car Where you blast the music And no one's driving the car But you're just dancing

Next to it You gotta hop back in Yeah yeah It's a ghost ride And the car is driving by itself while you're blasting music, and no one's driving the car, but you're just dancing next to it. You gotta hop back in. Yeah, yeah. It's your ghost ride, and the car is driving by itself, and you're just out there, like, you know, being a nigga. I like that. It's awesome. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. What a great move. In San Francisco, too. Lots of hills. So what, you just

exactly, you just have the parking break down, and you just fucking jam next to the car. Nah, man. You gotta go with the car, and then hop back in. Yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, the car's moving, you're dancing next to it. God, that's so fun. There's one of them where they do, who is it? Can I do it with like a dell?

Can I just like hear someone like you and just like really break it down outside of my potty? Just crying. Just drop the dance and sob into your camera. I think the best video was just, it was like they did it. White people fucking suck, man. Hey, hey, hey

Fuck you, Marcus Marcus is very defensive of his race Okay, okay Let's calm down here Fuck white people, calm down Hey, hey, can I say something? Marcus loves white people Well, come on

Whatever It's just not fun, man Oh, no, nothing. I just thought it might be. You had something to say? Stan Getz is a white man. What? Stan Getz.

He's a jazz musician. He does lots of great bossa nova tunes. Absolutely. Gilbert, Gilbert. He's a white guy. He was the king of bossa nova, man. He wrote that shit. Absolutely.

So, fucking take that. Black people. Holden, you just won. That one was for Trayvon. Good job, guys. It's actually a sensitive time in the country right now. For the first time on the show, attack black people.

Good job. Good choice. Marcus? I've got a story about somebody attacking somebody else verbally. A 15-year-old Illinois boy was charged with disorderly conduct after he yelled a derogatory anti-scouting comment through the window of an elementary school gymnasium. What's the comment? Where Cub Scouts were gathering, the male juvenile yelled loudly and clearly into one of the windows, Fuck the Cub Scouts were gathering, the male juvenile yelled loudly and clearly into one of the windows,

Fuck the Cub Scouts! Fuck the Cub Scouts! This is a young... This is a young abortion on our hands. The fucking Cub Scouts are the Hitler Youth of America. Fuck the Cub Scouts. I hate the fucking Cub Scouts. He was just expressing an observation

of what leaders do on those camping trips and those tight little assholes. That's a good point. Listen, I was in the Cub Scouts, man. I was in the Cub Scouts. He was just expressing an observation of what leaders do on those camping trips and those tight little assholes. That's a good point. Listen, I was in the Cub Scouts, man. I was in the Cub Scouts, too. And fuck were the Cub Scouts? Hell yeah, man. How the fuck did you...

What patches did you get, Eddie? I didn't get shit. Of course not. I won the derby, the soap car. And that's what they were doing whenever he yelled, fuck the Cub Scouts. They were having a meeting to build their own derby. What do you got about these Cub Scouts? I just realized something.

There's a lot of times you'll hear people say, I'm glad someone had the balls to say that, but you'll never hear someone go, I'm glad someone had the balls to yell it out of a bus window. It's tough to do. It takes courage. I just can't believe this is news Cub Scouts get ridiculed everywhere they go

Cub Scouts shouldn't fucking exist And they shouldn't be allowed to be in fucking public schools Catholic organizations can't be Look what I am, man Look at you, dude I'm a product of the Cub Scouts Cub Scouts need to exist Throw those kids in the woods where they belong

Cub Scouts teach kids how to murder They teach kids how to join a Michigan militia. What's wrong with that? Weeblos in the room? Oh, weeblos? Why are you so white today? I love how weeblos are fucking...

It's like Weeblow, and they're all like five years old. What's a weeblo? Young Cub Scouts. Jackie, were you a brownie? Yeah, I went up to Cadet. What? Did you do the bridging ceremony? I didn't go all the way through.

I went to middle school. I know your history. Can you not attest to the fact that you were a security guard for your school, right? Yeah. And all you did was bully nerds and slap books out of their fucking hands because you were part of these brownie scouts. No, it was pretty great because I did that to the girls of the troop as well, but my mom was the head

of the troop, so no one could say anything to me. You're a terrible fucking person! So it was pretty awesome. That's like being in prison and your father's the warden. Right. I am not a Cub Scouts fan. Marcus, were you in the Cub Scouts? Yeah.

Here's the thing about the Cub Scouts that I was in. The scout leader was this extreme alcoholic woman. Love it. What was her name? Wait, a woman? Is it a woman or a woman? A woman ran mine also. Yeah, dead mothers.

But this woman was an extreme alcoholic, and the only thing that we ever got together to do is we all got together in her barn and did some rock tumbling, but then she got way too drunk and passed out. We got together in her barn and did some rock tumbling? You turned the rocks into jewels?

Yeah, that's so cool. It was pretty cool for the 20 minutes that it lasted before she started yelling at us. Why was she yelling at you? I don't know. She had the demons. Yeah. My mom was then-mother. I remember. We used to have all the meetings at my house. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.

What food did your mother make for these people? Rice Krispie Treats, that kind of stuff. Rita Saucedo, that was her name. Rita Saucedo? Nice name. Yeah, great name for an alcoholic. Oh, yeah. She sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song.

Rita Saucedo! Rita Saucedo! Was a Cub Scout damn motha! Seemed like a fucking nightmare, man. I remember when she was. She was an absolute nightmare. I was in the Cub Scouts, and the only thing I remembered about it was that I tucked my shirt in,

and I was the only kid that did that. I thought you were supposed to do that. You're supposed to. Now everybody else just wore it out with their jeans. Jeans! Yeah, we had to wear, like, navy pants, navy shorts. We had to wear khakis. Yeah, we had khaki shorts.

What lessons did you guys learn from the Cub Scouts? I learned how to cut soap with a knife. They gave me a knife, When did you know that? Isn't this just preparing you for prison life? What if we used to know how to cut soap? Yeah, and also we all had to make an invention. I remember my invention was a footstool slash, and then you flip it over,

and I glued a tub to the bottom of it, and you flip it over, and it's a foot bath. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. It's not bad. a foot bath. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good.

It's not bad. There was this fat, darker girl that was in my... Just say black. No, she wasn't black. She wasn't black. She was like Indian

or something. Jewish? Her name was Paloma and she got up in front of everybody and Paloma and she's saying, I believe that children

are the future. And I threw things at her while she did it. And then afterwards I pantsed her in front of everybody. And I like ruined her. I don't know why but I think pantsing someone

is the funniest thing ever. It is hilarious. It really is. So this poor girl, she is not, how old was this girl? Um, 10.

So she's 10 years old and she's so like proud to be in front of people Why did you sing that whole fucking song? You are not a song mistress. Don't sing it in front of other people.

That's the best thing, man. It's a song mistress. Yeah, wouldn't that, is that a real, is that? I get you though, it's great because first you're singing

a song with pants and then there's no pants. There's no fucking pants. You got no pants. They literally, they called her

no pants for the next three years. What, are you serious? No pants, literally no pants. You made, you made the nickname.

Oh, you're a terrible person. Oh man, I wish her name was Jan or something like, or name was Jan or something like that. Or like Chance or something like that. No Pants Chance.

No Pants Chance. All she did was take the chance. Her parents were like, take risks. I don't know. No Pants Paloma is pretty awesome. No, there was no Paloma anymore. Paloma was dead. No Pants existed.

What is she doing now? Do you know? I don't fucking know. Probably dead somewhere. You haven't found her on Facebook? No, not at all. I don't know her last name. Oh, my God. It pants existed. What is she doing now? Do you know? I don't fucking know. You haven't found her on Facebook? No, not at all. I don't know her last name. It's hard. It's got all the squibblies in it. That is so fucking brutally

mean. Hold on a second. Let's go back. What are the squibblies, Jackie? Sarah went out to get a drink. Jackie pantsed a girl who tried to sing Children Are Our Future when she was 10 years old and she pants the girl at the end of the song

and then everybody called her No Pants Paloma. What is it? Polanski? No Pants Paloma. She had Enyes in her name because she was Spanish? No, she wasn't Spanish, but it was like there were too many consonants. Oh, that's so mean. Possibly Greek?

No, no, no, no. Darker than that. That usually targets certain levels of darkness. We're going to stay in high school here. This girl, her name is Jessica Halter. She's an Ohio student. She was 18. She was arrested Saturday night

at her high school prom after she drunkenly assaulted a policeman, tried to kick a paramedic, and spewed a bloody ball of spit at one cop. Oh, man, what a party girl. Exactly. The luckiest dude in the face of the planet brought that chick to court.

She is hired at the poor house. She was approached by school administrators who had received several complaints about the highly intoxicated Halter When told of these complaints Halter replied This is my fucking prom This is bullshit

Halter Her speech slurred Denied drinking alcohol And cursed out the school's principal And assistant principal You're fucking bitches This is my prom I'm not drunk

Racine what do you got I just can't imagine A high school That has their senior prom In March I mean That is weird Right

Is that a bad month It's a lot of build up You're holding the hand up For a while Actually I mean The thing Audience at home

Racine is over here Acting like he's got The math question right Yeah It's an observation She probably just like Dumped her baby in the toilet in the bathroom. She was just having a reaction.

I'm trying to figure out why was she spitting blood out of nowhere. Where did that come from? After refusing to take a breathalyzer test, Halter attempted to swing a chair at cops and then began smacking her forehead into the chair handle causing her nose to bleed.

Wow! I would go gay for this chick. She's 18, right? Actually, check it out. She's not bad. Probably got two years until she's a big one. Sarah, what qualities do you like most in this chick? Oh, I'm gonna fuck her!

She looks like a thin Adele! She looks 40. I love her, Lindsay Lohan. She already looks defeated, man. That's amazing. I love her. Lindsay Lohan. She already looks defeated, man. That's amazing. I love this chick. Well, she's also wasted at that.

She looks like every girl in Florida that called Kevin the N-word in high school. Who farted? I don't know. Who was it? It's Kisly. She just walked out of the room. Kisly just walked out of the room. Oh it's Kisly He just walked out of the room Oh, it was you, Racine, you piece of shit

That was Racine, that was you I mean, Jesus, the guy farts and then he leaves Jesus Christ, Racine We're in this hot ass small room There's no windows, man You guys act like I have control over it So after this girl, while being handcuffed,

she began kicking, screaming, spitting, and thrashing about. As she walked out of DeLuca's catering hall, Halter, screaming obscenities, let her legs go limp. So officers had to carry the team.

I am drunk. Ossifers. Yeah. Ossifers had to carry the team to a patrol car. That is when Halter cleared her throat and spit a bloody ball of spit. At Officer Kyle Jelenius. See, to me,

that's just like there's young love, there's young drunk. I mean, come on, people. We've all had our initial experiences of being completely super trash. I remember I went sliding around in the yard. I smoked weed for the first time out of an empty bullet shell in a hot tub. I mean, we've all had certain experiences. That's awesome.

Grew up in North Carolina. Hot damn. God, I love that state. One of the first times I was drunk was at Pacelli Panacea, which was a big event for... I thought that was a girl. No, no, I never had sex with a girl. Still a virgin.

I just love to fuck men. But I got into a huge fight. I got into a huge fight in the middle of everybody. And it was extremely embarrassing. What were you saying? What was your... Fuck you, you're fucking, you don't like me. Then I went home and started crying

to this dude named Ricky Berna who was in the class above me. He was like, you don't like me. That was it. Then he sucked your dick. How big were you back then? I was fucking so nice. How old were you?

How old were you? How old were you? I was 12. The first couple times I got drunk were fantastic. You were drunk at 12? Yeah, but I didn't drink in public until I was 15. I just drank alone. I started drinking alone.

I was drinking alone before I... In fact, one of the first times I ever got drunk, Rita Saucedo bought the beer for us. Really? Yeah, whenever I was 13. Rita Saucedo, the den mother. The Cub Scouts, yeah. When I was in high school, I used to hang around with the straight edge hardcore kids who all had the triple X tattoos.

Those were my friends. And they'd play all ages shows at the VFW Hall, like hardcore music and shit. friends. And they'd play like all ages shows at the VFW Hall, like hardcore music and shit. And so one time I got mad at my boyfriend who was straighted, so I decided I was going to get drunk because I knew it would get him upset. So I drank a bunch of Franzia and then I puked into the plastic

bag that our newspaper came in. And then I told him about it and he almost broke up with me. I was 16. What did you do with the plastic bag? I think I flushed it down the toilet. So probably some fish had to eat it and I feel bad about that. I was kind of thinking that I was hoping

that you would have swung it around your head and threw it at a car. That's what I would have done. That's exactly what I pictured as well. Jackie, what was the first time you got super fucking trash? Well, I mean, I was I would probably say like 13 or 14. I was smoking weed really early with my sister.

But I didn't really drink until like beginning of college. Because I was a speed freak. Oh, hell no. Okay, much more acceptable. How do you get things done? And now we have a segment from Holden McNeely. Picking teams. Swag, swag, swag.

Swag, swag, swag. So what we're going to do is we're going to go around and we're going to pick teams like shitty kids would do to pick their softball team or baseball team or whatever the fuck. They're not shitty kids. They're pure athletic. NPE. It sucked to be me for that process. It blew.

So I'm bringing it back to everybody. So we're going to go around. We're going to go in twos. You're going to pick a certain kind of team. And the person who gets last is going to get deducted points and Marcus will also be scoring people based on how good their team is for what we're choosing. We're going to start with Kevin

and Ed. You're going to go back and forth. Who goes first? Ed, you can go first. Actually, Paper, Rock, Scissors for it. Paper, Rock, Scissors. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. Ah, Kevin gets it.

Kevin gets his scissors on paper. So Kevin goes first. So wait, wait, what's... It works every time. Yeah, what's the... The team is you're going to pick your team that's going to take down the monster Cloverfield from the movie Cloverfield.

Oh, interesting. Oh, all right. So you've got, from the people in the room, Marcus and I included, Kevin, you go first. And each time, kind of explain why a little bit, why you would pick this person. But I can't pick Ed because he's... You can't pick Ed. Sorry, buddy. Jesus.

If I'm fighting a monster, that's the only person I'd pick. I'd pick you first, too, if it's that good. You just made this extremely difficult. Exactly. Well, shit, man. All right. If I'm fighting a monster in Cloverfield, I guess I'm going to go. I need to be in bed by 7.

I guess I'll go with Jackie. Jackie is my first pick. Why Jackie? Listen to her. Yeah. Why Jackie? Listen to it. I'm definitely picking Marcus as my first pick. He's squirrely. He'd be able to climb in the hard-to-reach places and be able to get the things done that we need to get done.

So you're fighting a monster who's the size of a city. Exactly. That's why you need Marcus to climb up the fire escape and throw shit at his head while you're trying to Run routes around his feet Come on man I thought you were going to get chosen I have already thought I have already thought a lot of how I would take this monster down

I've got a plan Kevin, second pick Second pick Probably go with Racine I like it Racine is probably! Yeah. I like it. Yeah, Racine is probably, I just imagine he's good with blunt objects and probably missiles. He's good with that shit. I think Kevin just wants to see me get killed by a monster, though.

It's for the racism. All right, Ed, your second pick. My second pick, I'm going with Kissel, of course. All right. Kissel is heartless and definitely would have no problem killing another human if he had to. And I think that he's the only guy bigger than me, and so I feel like the monster would be more likely to kill him before me. All right, Kevin.

It's down to me and Sarah. I just want to throw in my dibs there. I've got some prowess I've seen the movie for sure I definitely know how it gets destroyed at the end I think I could maybe cry at it I was going to choose you anyway So I'll pick you next

Because I feel like you could just You could roll down the street covered in grease Making the monster slip and fall Hurt himself I feel like I've been blessed twice by you Because I definitely wanted Marcus as my first pick And then you just picked Holden over Sarah Which is ridiculous

Well it still means that Sarah was picked last And Sarah is now You get an automatic minus one But Ed you wanted Sarah I wanted Sarah because you always gotta have the woman on your team. I'm on the team. You're not a lady.

Martino got no bitches, man. Because once Cloverfield kills all society, we have to start a new one. So you're gonna be viciously raped and violated on a weekly basis. I would love to get viciously raped by you. Someone's got to take all our cheese. All right, and the final score is Kevin, 23, Ed, 27. All right!

Is that the whole thing? Wait, wait, wait. How did you score that? I don't know. Based on expert scoring abilities. Is that the whole game? And what is the deduction for Sarah? Sarah gets minus

one. Oh, shit, man. Gotcha. Alright, you guys. Alright. Mike and Sarah. Now it's payback time, Sarah. So, now you're going to be picking... I pick not Kevin. I pick not Kevin. Who is going to run with you your underground drug cartel?

You don't want to get caught by the cops. You got to push this cocaine and heroin big loads out of different parts of Columbia and shit. Shooting loads. Rock, paper, scissors to start. Are you ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock and rock. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Sc and rock. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Scissors, rock. You pick him first. My first pick is Ed Larson. I can't imagine anyone ever saying, hey, I think that guy's hiding something in his tummy. Ed, also, you said

earlier before the program you were going to be insulted if you didn't get picked first. Yeah, if I didn't get picked first for the drug running, I would have been so upset. If anybody picked anyone but Ed for the drug running, I would have immediately called them an idiot and they would have lost the game immediately.

Sarah, who do you pick? I'm going to pick you because I've long wanted to stick condoms filled with drugs up your ass. I'll take it. He's long wanted it to happen. So that's a match made in heaven. Ed, second pick? I thought it was Racine. Oh, Racine, I'm sorry.

I'm going to pick Jackie because you want a girl on your team, right? You want a dog on your team? You want a girl who can dress up like a dog and pretend to be a dog drug sniffer? Pretend to be a dog when the cops show up.

She's really just filled with drugs. Sarah, second pick. I'm going to pick Kissel because if any of those tiny Colombian motherfuckers get in our way, he could just eat them. And he could probably eat three in a day and not feel full. Absolutely. You're like the pigs in a mafia. I just feel like I'm a human shield in both of these so far.

Racine, pick number three. Alright, I'm going to pick Marcus Parks because running a drug cartel is hard work. I can't believe Kevin was picked last. Not that you don't deserve it. I know. I know. I know.

No, it's a good point, though. I'm just saying running a drug cartel is hard, and you're going to need a guy who can use a computer. That's true. That's a good point. That's a very good point. Someone's got to do the numbers. And I might have farted again. Sorry.

Oh, my God. Sarah. Alright, I'm making Jackie next and here's why. But Jackie's already been picked. Kevin's the only one left. Kevin was so unpicked. Why do I have to pick Kevin? You have to. He's last.

And Kevin gets points deducted. And why do you pick Kevin? Because I am going to pimp Kevin out as a homosexual sex mule and everyone is going to rape him in the butt for no reason. I'm sorry. That might be a bad mule.

It would give me pleasure. It has nothing to do with the drug ring. Alright, so. I'd say 16, 17, 18, 19, minus one. Sarah, you get an 18. No thanks. And Mike, oh shit. We got a, you get an 18. No, thanks. And Mike, oh, shit.

We got a tie. 18 and 18. Whoa. Sarah's team is better than mine. Are you fucking kidding me? Should there be a tiebreaker somehow? There should be a tiebreaker. I think it was the farting that did it.

Yeah, Mike did fart again. Nothing to do with it. Your listeners can't smell. They're going to smell us coming, Mike. We're going to get shot up by the cops. Exactly. You get a little bit less for the farting. So we've got to do a tiebreaker for them right now?

We've got to do a tiebreaker. All right, smelliest fart wins. Which U.S. president are you going to choose to go along with you on this mission? James K. Polk, because he didn't take any shit from Mexicans. Sarah? That's not a bad pick that's not a bad pick Sarah I don't care what you say right now Mike you win

I was going to say Rutherford B. Hayes because he's got that sweet sweet stache but that's fine Mike wins Mike totally wins on that he's got to get to the P room ok cool so we've got our last round let's just pretend Mike wins. No, no, no. Mike totally wins on that. Jesus Christ, Mike. He's got to get to the pee room. Okay, cool. So we've got our last round. Let's just pretend Mike is still in the room.

He has to go on a little bathroom break. We're going to do Jackie and Ben going against each other. You're picking a team to kidnap a guy and scare the bejesus out of him for a full week. You're going to take him somewhere and you're going to fucking kind of torture him. But really the point is just to horrify the fucking potates out of him. So we're still feeding this guy, right? Yeah, he's living. You're going to drop him back

off to his family, but... No ransom whatsoever. No, not at all. You just want to make him the most shell of a man you can make him by the end. It's a bizarre Japanese game show. Rock, paper, scissors. One, two, three, shoot. Rock versus scissors, and Ben wins.

I told you, I fucking sold it. You just left it there. It was a rock. Have you ever tried to pick up one? All right, pick somebody. All right, Ben, you start. I'm picking Kevin Barnett. Okay.

No one will terrify someone more than me and Kevin Barnett if you just randomly grab them and start screaming in their faces about what fucking faggots they are. It's terrifying. I'm good at calling people gay, man. And remember, Mike is still in the room even though he's not. Jackie, who are you picking? It's kind of crazy that you

I figure since you're going first that I would pick either Marcus or whichever one you didn't pick that you're ridiculous so you didn't pick one first. And this is a hard decision for me. But I'm going to go ahead and say Marcus because I think that he could use a knife

really well. In a torturous way. It doesn't matter. It's like using a small knife in a way to keep someone alive for a really long time. I have a clay figure that I made in my room. And this clay figure has no less than seven pocket knives shoved into him at different points.

There you go. That's why you all so fucked up, though. I was basically pre-med. I know how to fucking keep a motherfucker alive. You're too soft to do it. I'm too soft to do it. Pre-med, I know how to do motherfuckers alive. You're too soft to do it. Pre-med, I know how to do it, too. No, he is better than you. It doesn't matter.

We're on the same team. I will also, to officially defeat fucking Jackie's terrible group of merry men, choose Mike Racine on account he's a total sociopath. Absolutely. And I know for a fact... He knows how to horrify men. Well, he was out of the room. No, I'm telling you.

What's the game? The game is they're going to steal a man for a week and scare him to beyond bejesus and then return him to his family. Mike Racine literally... This is Mike literally... And I'm what? Fourth? Third. No, you're my second choice. Kevin was my first, but that's simply because America's racist.

The thing about Mike is that he literally kicked a girl out of his bed by presenting a shotgun. It was a handgun. It was a handgun. I thought it was a BB gun, Mike. It was a BB gun. It was a BB gun. It was a BB gun that was a handgun. Nonetheless, you pointed a gun at a girl and told her to get out of your bed.

Why do I have to do this every time I come on this show? Because you're the best! Oh, you're the best! I love you, baby! If we do this again, I'm going to be fucking ambushed again. I need my attack. I need my flag. I'm the German.

We got this, dude. Your team has already fallen apart. No, my team's not falling apart. My team's falling apart. That girl listened to the episode. Did I ever tell you that? The cracks are appearing in the team. All right, you're out of mind, Marcus.

Don't you be biased, Marcus. I'm not being biased. Hey, guys, didn't Jesus say stop bothering someone if they get a girl out of their bed with a handcuff? I think he did. He said, I'm happy to have you on board, team Kevin Barnett and Ben Kissel. That's the thing. bothering someone if they kick a girl out of their bed with a handcuff? I think he did. I'm happy to have you on board, team Kevin Barnett and Ben Kissel. So, I mean, at the same time, I am horrified right now.

We'll fucking murder your ass, dude. Look, I would have let her stay over if she wanted to. I didn't kick her out. But you put a gun to her head, so she chose to leave. Alright, Jackie. Jackie, pick your number one or two. Mark, did you put a gun to a girl's head? He did not put a gun to her head.

He pointed it at her from across the room. He brandished it at her. That's enough. You just don't show... But this is why I love you. That's why you're on my team. At the very least, he pulled a gun on her. On a girl.

It wasn't a gun. It wasn't a gun. It wasn't a gun. She did not know that it was a BB gun. She didn't know that it was fake. And I didn't pull a gun on her. Mike, to your credit, she was wearing a hoodie. She was wearing a hoodie. All right, Jackie, what's your next pick?

Holden. Yeah! I think that Holden, while Marcus is slowly cutting this person into little cuts, that he would just make it feel like she was already in hell. Because he would dress like a goat, hoof at her. I'm assuming it's a woman, because I'd rather do it to a woman. Stinky, stinky.

Until she would rather be dead. God damn, you're right. I wasn't agreeing with you until I heard Holden. No, that's the thing, right? Holden torturing you? Yeah, yeah. Like somehow you got bound up and Holden was the guy in charge of torturing you. Oh my god! Imagine how difficult that would be

to take. Him in a dark room saying shit to you, just sweating. While Marcus is making tiny slits. Yeah, I'm just going give me the cum, give me the cum, give me the cum. Holden, you're the worst person in this room. I'm surprised

I was picked so late, but whatever, I'm happy not to get picked last. Alright, Ben, who are you picking? Last one. Well, Sarah's the only one left, right? Yeah, and me. Sarah and Ed. Holy Christ.

Well, if I choose fucking Ed, there's no competition. Obviously, we would win. By the way, if this was actually something like kickball or softball, I would be last every time. But because it's running a drug cartel. There's no way that I can't choose Ed. If we kidnap a person and we want to scare him, we got Racine, KB, and fucking Eddie and me.

That's a great team. That's a great team. That's a dream team. That is a dream team. It is a total dream team. That's the Bulls in 96, you know it. It is the Bulls in 96,

so I'm going to choose my Dennis Rodman, Ed Larson. There's no fucking way we can lose. Marcus, if you don't score this for the fucking proper victory, you're a total fucking asshole. Although, at the same time, I am happy to have Sarah on my team, because imagine what she would do

to a man's libido as Marcus, she'd suck his dick! She'd make the dude hold it and make him cum. He would feel fantastic. Marcus, that is the women's 2002 Olympic soccer team. Okay? Me and Ed. You know, I really have to say here, if I'm really going with my gut,

Kevin, Ed, Mike, you're all good people. You actually do have some love in your heart. Me? Holden? Sir? He's being biased. This game's a sham. This is the 2000 election. Did we win?

We won! No, you did not win. No, you did not win. No, I am calling bullshit. Fuck that. Yo, you don't understand. The person we kidnapped is a fucking bishop. Hey, Marcus.

All right. And not only that. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Not only that. Do you know how much old school M&M I listen to? A lot. Marcus, I kicked a girl out of my bed with a shotgun. Are you kidding me?

What are you talking about? Love in my heart. Did you shoot her? Yes, I shot her. You did not shoot her. In her fat face. All right, Marcus, tally up your fake score. That doesn't matter because it's completely inaccurate.

Okay, let's see here. 9 out of 15. And what's my name? 22. And 12. And I went 21. And let's see here. The final score is 28.

So 28 to 22, the final scores. Mike, 19. Number three, Eddie, 27. Jackie, 28. Yay! Oh, shit! I thought it was a team game. Oh, shit! I thought it was a team game.

I thought it was a team game. Alright, well you know what? I'm not going to close out like I usually do because this has been a bunch of bullshit and this episode will never end. Fuck Marcus. Fuck Jackie. They're parading me around the room. This episode is brought to you by

stupid bullshit. Round right, this episode is brought to you by stupid bullshit. Roundtable of gentlemen. Bunch of fat fucking assholes. Swag. That's it. That's how I... Fuck you, Marcus. Swag.

Hello, Ben. It was the first one I won. Swag, swag. You didn't win that one. Eddie. He clearly won. Receive. You didn't win.

That's the best team. Yeah. Definitely the best team. No. Look at us. Swag. I challenge the other team to an actual kidnapping duel. No.

Okay. Wait, you know what? Let's do it. Wait, I have an idea. I'm sorry, Sarah. You can't leave. Can you record the conversation that me and Kevin have after the show? We each get a Lucas problem.

Where I ask him if anything I said was racist. Where I sincerely go, hey, Kevin, nothing I said in there was offensive to you, right? Every time I talk to you, you like that. Literally. Jackie's a brown skin.

Hey, you know I'm not like a racist, right? Mr. Barnett? Hold him in nearly. Kevin Barnett, Ben Kissel. Swag. Thank you, sir, Ben Kissel. Swag, swag.

Thank you, racist. And? And? Ben Kissel, I'm the best. And... And... And... Fucking cupcake, man. Cupcake!

Way back in the day. That's fucking bullshit. Goodbye. Swag. I was fucking screwed over.