The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 91: Chantily's Krisket Smurgerton

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table, Ben and Kevin admit to listening to Holden have sex with his girlfriend multiple times, a party in Texas turns into a deadly melee over beer, and the torture controversy is solved.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, everybody, close your eyes and I'll lead you through a guided meditation. Alright, everybody. Close your eyes and I'll lead you through a guided meditation. Alright, you start off. You're inside of Jackie.

That's right, Jackie. You're inside of yourself. I like it. It's warm in here. You're swimming through some sausages. You're swimming through some breasts. You're swimming through some breasts. Apparently she just ate breakfast. Yeah. Oh, God, what's going on?

What's that rumbling? Oh, you're flying out. Now you're in the toilet. Oh, boy. You're going for a swim. He's getting worse and worse. Again and again. This one's good.

I like where he's going with this one. You're good. Now you're a can of Campbell's soup, making your way out of the factory and towards the grocery store. Old Lady Grimbles is picking you up, reading your label, inspecting you. What do you have on there? Too much tomato.

She puts you back. She's putting you right back on the rack. But the businessman McCarthy just picked you up, and he's going to buy you. You're going through. But the businessman McCarthy just picked you up and he's gonna buy you. You're going through. You like that feel of that scanner. Yeah. And there it is. Don't you like that shit? You fucking bitch.

You dig it. Now you're leaving the store and you're going to the kitchen. Cut to 20,000 years in the future. You're still alive as a Campbell's soup can. I love your robot. And the robots can now drink soup and eat it if they wish, but usually they prefer to drink it.

So you get digitalized, turn into a bunch of ones and zeros. You're going through the nanoscanner. This is just a plot of AI. And then you end up at the bottom of the ocean where the movie should end and where this guided meditation should end. But it keeps going. You end up, I don't know, if you're looking at a tripper's pussy in Vegas. And that is you open your eyes and you wake up and you're back in the round table of gentlemen. Hello!

I like it, Holden. Every can of Campbell's does inevitably end up in a pussy stripper. Or a stripper's pussy in Vegas. A stripper's pussy with the can. You put a can in their pussy. Can girls. Can girls, yeah. Can, can dancers.

Certainly not can not girls. Yeah. I'm drunk. All right, Jackie, who are you? I'm Jackie Zabrowski, and I like it when you're inciting me, Ed. Oh, yuck. I'm Ed. How do you like being incited, Jackie?

We're sharing a mic tonight. Oh, yeah, it's a hot mic, unfortunately. It's a sweaty mic, and it's going to get warmer from here on out. Oh, yeah. It's a hot mic, unfortunately. It's a sweaty mic and it's going to get warmer from here on out. Not sexy warm. Just, you know, I got to get

a new shirt warm. Hold it, McNeil. I'm DTF. You bitches. Yeah. They are DTF as well. Down to forget ever fucking you.

I'm just Kevin, man. Kevin Barnett. Aw, Kevin. Yeah, I'm done. That's not my name. My name, that was it. Kevin Sleepy tonight. People heard, yeah.

Oh, Kevin, you're tired? Yeah, man, I'm dead. Why? What happened? Did a lot of stuff, man. All right. I'm Ben Gissel. In the chuckle at Holy Lord, don't bring this elephant herd on an elevator it'll collapse down to the bottom

and explode you're such a fucking asshole I am so sorry rigatoni with us as always rigatoni Jared Logan thanks for being here Jared hey no problem you know what I came sober and on time

I've always said what would make Jared Logan look good? Oh, a dyke haircut. Rachel Maddow wouldn't fuck you. All right, fatty. Number two, Jake Young. Thanks for being here, Jake. Good point. Good point. I am overweight. Thank you. I'm very creative.

What's it? Long-time listener, first time drunk in a weird room with you guys. All right, chubster number three, Henry Zebrowski. Thanks for being here, buddy. creative. Let's say long time listener first time drunk in a weird room with you guys. Alright. Chubster number three, Henry Zebrowski. Thanks for being here, buddy. I got this new line of soup. This is a thing. You come on down to Henry Zebrowski's Cafe. We got soup. We got clams. We got sandwiches coming out of Henry Zebrowski's Cafe. Last podcast

on the left. Shut this off. What's the last podcast on the left? Hey! What is that? What's the last podcast on the left. Whoa, man. What are you talking about? Hey, hey, hey. What is that? What's going on? Call the plug. Oh, my God.

By the way, I'm throwing in my coin to say this is a soup-themed show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking a lot of soup tonight. The thinnest man of the Chucklehawk coming in at a mild

274 pounds, Dave. Thanks for being here, Dave. Thanks for having me, guys. They brought me in to be the deadpan tonight. Full, being here, Dave. Thanks for having me, guys. They brought me in to be the deadpan tonight. Cool, dark, hard reality. That'll be my admission to the conversation. I love it.

Dave is Eddie's longtime friend from high school and grade school. No, I've been friends with Dave since I was five years old. I can't wait to get into that subject more. But first, we've got to go to some news with Marcus Parks. What do you got for us, buddy? A Roswell, Georgia man who fought with the city over his right to keep chickens on his suburban property blew himself up at his house today.

This man, the home of the man Andrew Ward is, was in foreclosure. Investigators believe he poured gasoline all over the house and set it on fire rather than get evicted. So this is the thing, so if the house didn't just blow up, he blew himself up. He blew himself up rather than get ridicted. So this is the thing. So if the house didn't just blow up, he blew himself up.

He blew himself up rather than get rid of his chickens or move. This is still a news story if you just got rid of the word up. You realize that, right? Just blew at his house.

Blew himself. Well, it's also Roswell, right? So we're saying aliens? Roswell, Georgia. Oh. So we're saying cow shit. He started raising chickens on his one-acre property in 2005. This habit led to several confrontations with the city,

which soon passed laws to make raising roosters illegal. The money Ward has spent on the chickens and his legal battles may have contributed to his failure to make payments on the house. This is a very romantic tale. It is a romantic tale. It wasn't illegal when he started getting these chickens and everybody just saw that he loved these chickens and they banned it?

Yeah. That's fucking terrible. For the last time, sir, you're going to have to get rid of them. They don't actually lay McNuggets. That's not true. Just please, please get rid of them. What was he doing with the chickens?

Was he eating them? Yeah, he's just raising them, hanging out with them, having fun. Can you blow a chicken? What does a chicken jiggle? I mean, if you need to. Yeah. You can fuck a chicken, but you can't blow a chicken. We'll see.

We'll see. Well, Gonzo did, right? Gonzo fucked all those chickens. No, he beat them. Who's Gonzo? Gonzo the Muppet. He's tough as schnoz up the old girl's toots. What episode was that on? All of them. It's in a comic book I bought in Mexico.

Oh, you're talking about Huevos Rancheros from 1985, right? I feel good. I could just eat some Huevos Rancheros. I'm fine with being fat. I think it's good. It suits you, man.

In Europe, I look rich. You look weird skinny, man. Oh, man. What would I be? I'd be It suits you, man. In Europe, I look rich. Yeah. You look weird skinny, man. I would like it. Oh, man. I would be... What would I be? I'd be like a little AIDS patient. Yeah, definitely have AIDS.

That's for God damn sure. I mean, it is weird that you're currently eating a turkey leg as we're talking, right? That's a little over the top. Well, I'm doing comedy. Okay. Yeah. All right. What winged beast would you like to fuck that can't fly the most?

I mean, chicken has to be on top of the list. No. No. Ostrich. Ostrich. Yeah. Ostrich. Ostrich are winged. Have you seen them legs on an ostrich, man? They're dangerous.

Hold up. Fuck a pegasus. Fuck a pegasus. It's a mammal. I put a couple wings on a little girl. That's not a bird. That's still a girl. You said winged beast.

You didn't say winged bird. I didn't know you were going to open the door for pedophilia. You put wings on a girl, she turns into a beast. Sphinx. I changed my name to Sphinx. Sphinx got a lady face. Sphinx got a lady face. Let's do a Sphinx. Absolutely. And Tito's for days, my friend. I'll tell you what.

I would fuck a, you know, a fucking my mom. Vulture fly, Jackie. I would fuck a you know, a fucking my mom. Vulture. Vulture fly, Jackie. I would fuck I would fuck the most dangerous bird on earth, the cassowary. Ooh! The cassowary? Just to prove I could fuck the most deadliest thing. Holy crap.

Just try fucking Jackie. I've heard that a duck's vagina is as close as a human vagina is to a human girl. Like if you were to take a duck's vagina and a human's vagina and let close as a human vagina is to a human girl. Like, if you were to take a duck's vagina and a human's vagina, and let's say you put a duck in a box and you put a hole in the box and you fuck that duck, you'd think you were fucking a woman. Really? Can I ask, Henry, where do you do your research? But it's just a tiny box.

By the side of most lakes. I mean, it's making a duck noise. Yeah, and it's in a shoebox. It's not a coffin. It's not a girl. Henry, my dear good friend, I can't believe I'm actually disputing this, but a duck's vagina and a woman's vagina are drastically different anatomically. No way.

Get out of here, Jake Young, you fucking retard. You just have to go to OKZoopin. It's his dating site where you can make love to animals. All right, so I'm going to knock off our first fatty. It's Henry Zebrowski. He's off the show. This is great. It's a real Lord of the Flies situation going on here, everybody.

Go enjoy some sushi. Henry Zebrowski will walk away with one pound of cheese. That's one pound of cheese, courtesy of cheesy McDougal cheese fat fart shit piece of shit. I like it. courtesy of cheesy McDougal cheese fat fart shit piece of shit. I like it. I'd like to take a moment to congratulate Ben for not going with Lord of the Fries, the easier

fat joke. I'd like to thank him for doing that. Come on, he's not out for that. That should be also out. He's good because he thanked me. All you have to do is thank me. Be careful there, Maddo. You'll be close. Are there any animals that have female-like genitalia or male-like genitalia?

Pigs and dolphins? Yeah, pigs, definitely. And from what I've read here, female ducks are evolving vagina dentatas. What is that? Pussies? Yeah. It's called an ass pussy. Ass pussy?

Dave, what was the most dangerous crevice You've ever snuck your big sausage cock into? Actually, a little history about Eddie For his 14th birthday I got him an inflatable love you What's a love you? It's a sheep with lipstick And it's got an ass pussy

It has one hole And you can have sex with just this one hole It's its butt, yeah. That was my birthday. Did you fuck it? No, I never fucked it. I was too young. I didn't know how to fuck it at 14. 14 years old, you sick fuck. 14 years old? That's not too young to fuck.

I didn't fuck the thing. No, I was really into jerking off back then. Was this a living creature? No, no, it's inflatable sheep. It had lipstick on. It's cute. It's a good-looking female sheep. I love ew. It's a good looking female sheep. I love you. It's a good looking... E-W-U.

I can't believe you didn't fuck it. If a friend gives you a gift to fuck, you gotta fuck it, otherwise that's no friend at all. You never fucked your fleshlight. No, because everybody put their fingers in it. What do you think we were doing to love you? No, no, no, no, no. It's my birthday party. Kid whips out a love you. We're blowing up. We're all 14. Where do you think we were doing to love you? No, no, no, no, no. It's my birthday party. Kid whips out a love you.

We're blowing up. We're all 14. Where do you think our fingers are going? You fingered this pussy. Oh, my God. I fingered the hell out of it. In front of your friends. Oh, we all fingered it.

It was a great time. I didn't know you were so Japanese. Did teenage teenager turtles came to my birthday once? Did you finger them? How were their pussies? Finger me. GMNT. Have you ever been raped by a seven foot turtle?

No. Then you've never had a birthday. You're back in, Henry. It's essential. Which one? Oh, it was Michelangelo. And the big thing was that we had a black woman was playing April O'Neil. And they started this race conversation that no one was prepared for.

Listen, listen, man. I'm going to go out on a limb right now and say I don't agree with that. It's hard to say. Everyone was just like, you're black. And she's like, yes, but there are just many different types of people in this world. We're like, we know that, but you're black. April O'Neil is white. It would be like if you got fingered by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Toads. But that's what happened.

No. God, you're serious about that. I was seven. Jesus. If your parents hired this woman, I lost a lot of respect for them. No, no, no. Michelangelo was also black because he took off his head. And that shattered our reality.

But that's fine. He took off his head at the party. You don't take off your head at the party. I don't know what the story is, but I imagine my parents are both like, oh, like, I'm sure it's like when she walked in April O'Neil, everyone was just like, oh, shit. This whole party got so real. There's like no reason for this. It just takes a black man to be able to do a black flip in a turtle costume.

A black flip. A black flip. That's what they're called now. That's just when you buy weed for $10 and sell it for $20. That's a black flip. That's very nice. That's very nice of you. I'm sure your parents are just like, oh, this is how they get into your house.

Just like the turtles. That's a commentary on his racist parents. We turned on you. I'm off the show. You're off the show. Put an X on your name over there. We should start. I have a three minute break.

I'm sorry. What I need to do is I need to bring the gun back. Oh, yeah. I just put in gunshots now at the end. Well, I'll tell you what, since Ben can't talk for three minutes, Marcus, what's new in the news? A Texas man is charged with shooting and killing his wife after one

of their dogs pooped in the house. Way to step in, Holden, by the way. Good job. Michael Steven Stoltz, 76, told police that he first shot the defecating dog, a German Shepherd mix, after the incident Saturday. Then he shot the couple's other dog. His wife, Bernice, 49, was

screaming as he shot the dogs, so he shot her, too. The first one just felt so good. I think he's killed two dogs. You should just shut up. Jared Logan, do you ever kill a dog? No, I've never killed a dog. Do you have a dog that you grew up with that died recently?

Sorry, I just watched Jiminy Glick. And I just feel like asking the worst questions. I had a dog that died. Yeah, I had two dogs that died. Were you sad? No, it didn't affect me. Ben cried over a dog that wasn't even his. One died by pooping blood.

I remember that. It takes a while to die from that. Was it like exorcist pooping blood? Was it like flying out all over everybody? Was there pressure behind it? Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty explosive. I mean, you know, it wasn't dribbling blood out of its asshole.

It was pooping blood. That's great. You rarely dribble blood out of your asshole. Yeah, it just made me think of basketball. It didn't have hemorrhoids. It had some sort of hemorrhage in its intestines. Interesting. At first, I was thinking it just happened like a little bit.

The dog's like, I'm out. Just killed itself. If your dog has... You know what? That was a bad dog. Yeah. Did he poop blood in the house? A good dog wouldn't poop blood.

A good dog wouldn't die. And what happened to the other dog? The other dog was hit by a car while I was away. So when I got home, my parents told me that... Well, the dog's name was Max, and then we found out it was a female, so we called it Maxie. Which my friend was like, Maxie pad, and I was like, shut up. Funny friend, though. And then she got...

And then she got hit by a car while I was away. It's weird because that one dog could have actually used a Maxie pad with all the blood coming out of its asshole. That is ironic. You tell the most heartwarming stories, Jared. Hey, man. Eddie.

No, go ahead. No, I just wanted to say, I think that you're extremely stoned. Absolutely. Yeah. Rarely could I call it, but Jesus Christ. I'm very hot.

Let me... Can I ask this to the table? Like, all right, what if you have a dog, you love the dog, you've had it for years, but it got some weird... No, no, no.

It got some weird virus where it turned into, like, a big worm. Would you still love it and, like, take care of it? It's not a dog. You've had it for years. It got some weird virus where it turned into a big worm. Would you still love it and take care of it? More so, Marcus. I'd give mine to Marcus. And I would thank you for it. You have a lot of those big worm dogs.

I don't know why you're making light of Cronenberg syndrome, an actual syndrome that affects thousands of pets every year. You've got to take care of it. You've got to. Yeah, you gotta keep loving that big worm. I'd give it away. I feel like

you would set it on someone. You would torture somebody with it. No, no, I'd just forget about it. It's just like one of those things where the memory of it and everything that was associated with it would be so horrifying. No, man, you hold on to horrifying. You hold on to it. Kill hobos. Feed the hobos to the worm.

No, no, no. I would just silently sit with my secret and then anytime anyone asks me, where's your dog? I'd be like, what dog? You know, and then the dog would just always never have been. There wouldn't be a dog. The problem with this particular syndrome, though, is when you're sleeping, it sleeps above you on the ceiling and its drippings

fall down on you. Part of the memories that are gone okay so can i build a canopy like kind of a canopy bed where the you could but it'll get in it's a fucking worm that can crawl on the fucking ceiling well i mean like sometimes you wake up and it's just inside your pajamas it doesn't do anything you just wake up and it's there the problem is sometimes you'll wake up you it's just inside your pajamas, it doesn't do anything. You just wake up and it's there. The problem is, sometimes you'll wake up and you think you have morning wood. You start beating yourself up. It's just the worm? It's the worm. Oh my god, the worm.

Alright, let me ask you this. It still has the collar and the tag from when it was a dog. Now it looks like a shirt and a tie. Okay, let me ask you this then. Does the dog claim ownership just upon you? Or say my girlfriend sleeps over. How's the worm going to react to her?

It comes with time. At first it's not going to trust her. It's going to try to eat her and make her into silk. But after a time it will finally grow to love her and give her its drippings as well. The problem is that the worm loves you in such a gross, horrible way. It's like you and your girlfriend. Yeah. I wake up with her spitting on me.

Hold on, so are you the worm? I could be. I would love that. It's just a relationship metaphor. It all makes sense now. Oh, my Christ. Holden is an unsuccessful earthworm jim. No games

made about Holden. That is for damn sure. Alright, well, next up. Saying in Texas, police have charged a San Antonio man in the beating of a woman who refused to partake in a sexual threesome. What a bitch. That's not going to get her to do it.

His name is Jack Lee Buck. Jack Lee Buck. That's an upsetting name. Buckley Jack is a good name. Jack Lee Buck. Was charged late Saturday with enhanced family violence assault. Enhanced?

Enhanced? It sounds like a power-up. That's a Texas law that they had to invent for Texas. Comey, comey, ah! And it's still only a third-degree felony. Enhanced family violence. I guess, I think enhanced family violence assault bumps it up to felony. It's like spelling the word extreme with three X's.

That's how you spell it, right? No, what it was is they were in Texas like, gentlemen, we can make this family abuse better. More powerful. Here's what happened. A woman there said Buck had struck her in the knees and back using a wooden baton outside the home after she declined the threesome. Where did he...

A wooden baton? A wooden... Just a stick. It's a fence post. Let's call it what it is. Dave, you know a thing or two about beaten women. What do you got to say? That's how Tanya Harding took out Nancy Kerrigan,

I believe. Jeff Gillooly did use the wooden stick. It's a very productive way to take out productive women of society. Oh, you're talking about enhanced figure skating, of course. Yes. And he can also use a stick to point. You could. This guy looks like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's.

After? After death. Post-mortem Weekend at Bernie. That dude was trying to swing a three-way? Are you fucking kidding me? A to swing a three-way? Are you fucking kidding me? A three-way three-way? He built Milwaukee's best light in his right hand. Oh my Christ. Are you kidding me?

What the nerve of that asshole to think he could fuck two ugly chicks. He must have been very funny. He was middle-aged. Charming. Wealthy. He looks like an extra from The Simpsons. He does. Oh my God. He's got a extra from The Simpsons. He does. Oh, my God.

He's got a full mustache, very Geraldo Rivera. I cannot believe that he... I mean, he probably could have fucked the one chick had he not tried to proposition her for a threesome. Well, he'd been dating her, as she says, on and off for about 18 years. Oh, well, then he's about time to ask for a threesome. I agree. This chick needs to commit to him.

She loves him. He bought her flowers back in 89 that he won't let her forget about. And they should fucking start eating pussy together. Ladies, if he hasn't given you a ring after 18 years, have a threesome with him. Or he will beat the shit out of you. And that's the life lesson. That's what the Beyonce song said. He loved too much.

The whole time he was beating her with a stick. I just love too much, honey. And he lived on Lord Road in San Antonio. He named it himself. That was in spray painting. I dubbed this Lord Road. It's in the middle of a forest. I live right next to Burger Highway.

It's in the middle of a forest. I live right next to Burger Highway. Across from Chantilly's Chris Kitt Smurgerton. None of these places exist. Everyone knows they don't exist. Burger Highway exists. Where did that go, man?

Burger Highway exists, yeah. It's B-E-R-G-E-R. You went really deep on that. Well, because he started making up words. What was it? Chantilly's Criscuit What? It was beautiful. There's like a street It's called like People Who Have

AIDS Highway or something. That's a real thing. I like it. That's really sad. It's just two lanes. I got everything. That's what I mean. It was a little long to walk to get there, but I got there. Yeah, good. It was good.

But going back to threesomes, is threesomes a male creation or a female creation? Do you think more dudes want a threesome than females want a threesome? I mean, we have Molly Neffel. She's perched up like an owl over there. You're definitely the hottest guy in the room. What do you think? I mean, do chicks want threesomes? Or is it just men who want to, like, you know,

really fuck two chicks at the same time? I think that it was probably invented by men, because I think that We invented everything that's good in society? I think if you had to come down one way or the other, men probably have a little bit more of an aggressive sex drive than women. But that said, I know a lot of women who watch, like, DP porn.

Yeah. Like, women like threesome, like, two dudes. But with two men? Yeah, two men and a lady. It sounds like just too many dicks. I don't know if we can call her a lady. There's too many penises involved. It's not for the lady.

Yeah, it's true. So I'm just saying that I think that I actually, I'm going to say that the sexes both equally share this burden. Because I think that both sexes are equally crazy about sex. It's just that men have more of a reputation for it. But women are fucking horny and crazy and love kinky shit. Lord knows. I feel like everything you you say has an agenda. No, Molly is actually going through

a life-changing moment where she was with a man that she thought she should be attracted to because he's smart and he's funny. He's got six-pack abs, but you know what he doesn't know how to do? Fucking tease an asshole and lick a pussy, which is what every man learns.

It's very nice of you to share over there. What's that? Nothing. For Molly? No, she doesn't have to talk about it. I'll tell the audience all about it. I will say I've never been with somebody who I just wanted them to stop eating me out. You've never been

with Eddie before, I'll tell you that. Holy Christ. Is this weird? When I eat at checkout, I keep hearing That's a problem. He just... What? What were you going to say? Is this weird? When I eat a chick out, I keep hearing faster, faster. No, no. It's because you're sleeping, Jared. No.

I just use them as big vagina pillows. I'm sorry. Did I drool in your vagina? No. I thought you were doing a great job, buddy. It's for my worm. I'm sorry. It I drool in your vagina? No. I thought you were doing a great job, buddy. Drippings from my worm. I'm sorry, it feels wet in there. Is that my fault?

I guarantee you, if a chick is wet, Eddie, it's never your fault. It also might always be his fault. You never know. A lot of chicks are attracted to Eddie. I don't know. Dave, who chicks are attracted to Abby. I don't know. Dave, who do you like to finger bang and why? I thought that was

an old-fashioned, like the old style. That was the last time I've been fingered a girl in a long time. I fingered a girl this morning. It was great. We all know who it is, so it's gross when you say it. I want to stop you. Why would you finger a girl this morning. It was great. We all know who it is, so it's gross when you say it. I must have stopped you. Why would you finger a girl?

You're an adult! What else are they going to do? Put your penis in the girl. It's called foreplay. It is called foreplay, and I'll tell you. It's foreplay. It's good. It's respected, and it's great to do in public. Yeah, it's great to do in public.

You can't just ram it in there whenever it's all dry You gotta get it wet, you gotta get it ready You can It's fun if you're like super poor But you want society to think that you ate a fish sandwich Finger a chick Never mind, I'm off the show I'm sorry

I'm off the show, so it doesn't much matter Oh no wait, I got it You got it You know what, man, we're staying in Texas for most of the show The sexism's fine The bad joke I don't like One person was killed

and seven others were injured at a girl's birthday party in Rural Ellis County in Texas early Sunday morning in what investigators believe was a fight over beer. Four victims, including an 11-year-old child who survived, were shot, two were stabbed, and two

others were beaten outside a home. Investigators think the violence erupted over an argument after the party ran out of beer. You should have seen what happened when they ran out of tacos. All right. That joke costs you $5. Just take that joke,

take your $5 bill, and put it into the CD drive Of your laptop It's gonna show up in my wallet Thank you very much They should start sending us fucking money We've talked about it on multiple programs That taco joke

Wasn't free you fucking assholes Hey man tacos don't pay for themselves Cause this guy's looking for some tacos I want some tacos. I'm done. Again, I take myself out. Why do I keep talking? Don't give up, Henry.

Just believe in yourself. Henry, you're still talking. Was that me? I'm sorry. But this is a real... It's a fucking issue. This is why Wisconsin, we always had 12 or 13 kegs lined up ready to go.

As soon as the beer runs out, it's fucking chaos. Yeah. I mean, and it sounds like a hell of a melee. Check it out. Lieutenant White, this is the officer that showed up. He's a black fella. Sure. He appeared to break out.

I'm so sorry. What has happened? Are we all sick? Did we get like a virus? I just wanted to be funny so bad. Alright, Lieutenant White said the violence appeared to break out between two different groups at a party for a child who was turning 15. Police responded to the home... This is for a 15-year-old's birthday party?

Yeah, this is a 15-year-old's birthday party. This is so much fun. Police responded to the home shortly after midnight Saturday and said the family members turned on each other using guns, knives, and even a brick. At least two handguns were fired in the dispute, which lasted no more than five minutes. The fatality was an adult male.

This is a birthday party for a 15-year-old boy in the royal family? 15-year-old girl. I just want to see the montage of everyone preparing to go to this birthday party. I'll tell you what, for one death in a five-minute gunfight, that's kind of impressive. An 11-year-old boy did get shot

in the stomach. He made it. Kids can live through anything. You can fucking throw a kid off a goddamn balcony. Okay, an 11-year-old boy did get shot in the stomach. Fuck it, he lived. He made it. And seven others. Kids can live through anything. You can fucking throw a kid off a goddamn balcony, it's gonna live. Not true. Not true. Would you know my name?

Yeah, since we know his name, he's... There's babies. There's the thing that you can throw a baby off of a building and it'll just bounce and it'll be fine because they're so relaxed. Well, their bones are cartilage at that time. Well, in this situation, they'd probably be drunk. These parents are terrible. This just sounds like the beginning of Kill Bill.

Well, no, it's like the old saying, never bring a brick to a gunfight family reunion. I've heard that. That guy was unprepared. Brick guy. I feel bad for him. I was just trying to build some stairs. I mean, that's just, you just grab whatever bludgeoning object

you can find that's closest, man. Brick's great. You can throw it. You can bash people with it. He's still in it, though. He's just like you just grab whatever bludgeoning object you can find that's closest. Brick's great. You can throw it, you can bash people with it. He's still in it, though. He's just like, I'm not out of this. I have a brick. Yeah. No, he's in it.

I like that they said a gun, a knife, and even a brick. As if a brick is the worst thing in that list. No, there's that huge brick lobby right now, which is really important. The stand your ground laws were pushed by the brick lobby. Apparently someone threw a Doberman pincher at the grandmother. God damn it. I just feel like, I just want to see this poor 15-year-old girl crying

when she's like, oh, everybody ruined my birthday. And everyone's like, you need to toughen up a little bit. Don't be selfish, Wendy. Sometimes your uncle has to kill a stranger. You know, that's just growing up. I'm sure it was family. No, I blame it on the selfish, Wendy. Sometimes your uncle has to kill a stranger. You know? That's just growing up. I'm sure it was family. No, I blame it on the house, man.

That house has some... Oh, yeah, absolutely. They have a picture of the house. Give a description. I mean, it's a haunted-looking house. So I'm getting that. Oh, I should be the lawyer on this case. It's deep in the forest. It's covered in willow trees. It looks like the front of it is a mouth,

and it will talk to you and tell you to not go to sleep. Is it saying things to you right now, Ed? I scooped up little blood clots. I'll take that as a yes! It's not jumped to some weird

conclusion. They could have also been receiving satellite signals from MKUltra. We don't know. We weren't there. That's true. MKUltra? What is MKUltra? If you don't know, I am not authorized to tell you.

Is it like a rave in the honor of Martin Luther King? Yeah. Martin Luther King. What? Can I say something? That is... Can I say something? That is the fucking opposite of what it is.

MK Ultra. It's a new malt liquor coming out called MK Ultra. It's extremely racist and no one should buy it. The logo is a picture of Martin Luther King with guns.

God, I wish he had guns so bad. If I could go back in time, I would just constantly hand Martin Luther King a gun. I'd be like, you're going to want this. You will probably need to use this very soon. Nah, it's not going to help against snipers. That dude was not far away. He was a sniper, though. Yeah, it was a shit.

He was a fucking sniper. He was a redneck. The hatred drove the bullet. Weirdest Dungeons and Dragons conversation. Well, you're forgetting that he was a sniper. So, how do you protect against snipers? Well, if only he had a protective spell, Martin Luther King would be alive today. And he practiced

capoeira. That's great. What a good alternative history movie that would be. Martin Luther King, capoeira striker. Yeah, they definitely need to rewrite history. What's capoeira? It's dance fighting. Pa-na-na-way, pa-na-na-way, pa-na-na-way.

The movie of Martin Luther King's life. Is he going to hear the gunshot? Is he going to go in slow motion all of a sudden in the wind here? Pa-na-na-way. If you actually hit somebody with those capoeira moves, though, you would hurt them, right, Kev? There's a lot of momentum there, man. Is that what that Jamaican dude in Super Street Fighter was doing? No, no.

In Street Fighter, no. No, Super Street Fighter. Eddie Gordo, Tekken 3. That's what Eddie Gordo is. Eddie Fats? What? Eddie Fat? That's you.

That's what your mother would tell you every morning. Eddie, you're fat. Eddie, lose weight. You're fat. Yeah. Is that what your mother said? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

I'm surprised it worked so well. How many times has my mother told me I was fat, man? I mean... And it's just bizarre because usually your mother is wrong. But then sometimes she's just dead on. She's just dead on. Yeah. She nailed it.

She definitely wasn't blind. You know, because he's fat. Am I the only one who gets it? Am I off the show again? I think it's 109 in here. I am so hot. I'm fine. Yeah, I feel great.

It's probably because you're so fat. And you're wearing a lumberjack flannel. Yeah, I'm dressed in plaid. It's the times. He's like a McDLT in the 80s. He's just roasting under a hot light. Oh, yeah, that's right. You are sitting right underneath that very hot lamp.

I'll tell you what. I'm just blown away. We're not all laying in the basement right now, looking up at the hole in the ceiling. Fucking whole table. Everything's gone through the damn thing What has happened to you? We don't fall through the floor into the basement Oh, because we're fat

Because you have a whole bunch of fat people in here I'm fat too, man Yeah, man, you've been putting on weight Yeah, you have been Right in the neck You're not making sense It all goes to my neck I know how he's putting on weight

He's been eating a lot of ass dude I fucking hear it every night I'm lonely I'm single now I've been jacking off to Holden Fucking his girlfriend I'm alright with that Are you okay with that? Do you hear Ben masturbating?

Yeah It sounds like And then I come I hear a bat swings and then Ben comes That's all I know It's great It'll be weird when your girlfriend has a baby And it looks like me

It'll be osmosis Anywho Dave, you ever check up to a roommate Having sex with his girlfriend I definitely got a boner I've never acted on it But I've been aroused by it I got a boner one time too

Didn't do anything about it Is it weirder to jack off to your roommate Having sex with his girlfriend Than it is to jack off to somebody Fucking a chick on some random porn hub site I mean this is nice I love Holden I I love his girlfriend. It's enjoyable

for me. It's really a question of ethics, man. I don't know. When you put it like that, it sounds like you should be jerking off to Holden. No, I mean, when I jack off to Holden fucking Lexi, I pretend that my dick is Holden's and that I'm fucking his girlfriend. You're not obeying boundaries.

There are certain cultural mores that we have about boundaries. Thoughts like that you should just like we were talking about forgetting earlier, you should forget like it never happened. Forget him. Okay. And definitely not say it out loud into a microphone. Intimate. Okay.

A podcast. Okay. Okay. But it does sound romantic. It does. I mean, I feel like it's a good issue to speak about, man. That's what the round table is about. Discussing the issues. Yeah, like if Martin Luther King is a cop aware of it. If he was, how that would have affected history. Think of how nice his chest

would have looked. I'm just saying when you and Holden and his girlfriend kill each other with bricks and guns, you know where you crossed the line. I really like the image of Ben making breakfast the next morning when they come down and he's just like that was wonderful last night you guys.

That's my thing. I've literally I've heard him turn the sound down. How you like that? I was literally at their house one time at like 2 in the morning and we're watching a movie.

I said, Kev, listen to this dude. He's like, yo, they're fucking, they're fucking, they're fucking. And he turned the volume down. You know it, bro. Hell yeah. It's just holding. You're such a shitty person.

You alerted me to it. I'm a guest in your house. It's a round sound coming from his ass. Oh, man, it's gold. You should hear when he fucks chicks, dude. What does it sound like? I'm the very multiple multimedia general. They're summoning a devil.

It sounds like an auctioneer. That's the thing. If you want to hear it, apparently just go over there. I go over there all the time. Never happened. I've never been there. Next time you're there late with me, dude.

Sounds good. Oh, it's fantastic. They really get it out. Does Thursday work for you? Yeah, yeah. It's so funny, actually. Yesterday, you guys were the living room. I heard it, but I didn't tell anybody about it.

I wanted to be more intimate. I was trying to watch the movie. Yeah. We were watching the movie about Stephen Webber. And every now and again I'd hear Andrew be like, oh, yeah. And I'm just like, oh, this is very difficult. That was Lexi. I enjoyed it, man.

We had Louis Armstrong play it at the Bedroom. Yeah, Kevin, you enjoyed hearing them fuck, right? No, because I felt like we deserved it. We had just come back from eating our dick in Jersey for an hour. Right, we had a college gig together. Yeah. That shit was bad. It was a terrible show.

It was like an urban college. Somehow I am blacker than Kevin. No, we get there and the DJ, first of all, I see there's a DJ setting up like, oh shit, this is going to be bad. He's like, listen man, I ain't trying to discourage you, man, but they are rough.

They weren't even there yet. They're college kids. They're nice. I used to be in college. Were they late? They were coming in periodically. If I was shitting on them, it was cool, but any time I tried to go to jokes,

it would just eat a dick. I remember literally I went to a joke that was supposed to be five minutes long. I get 30 seconds into it, and some dude in the back is like, boo, nigga. It was a c-c-c-coose. That black people are the only ones

that add like a slur at the end of boo. Oh my goodness. Well, anywho. If you get a chance to come over and hear Holden fuck his girlfriend give it a go. Should we not give your address out on the podcast? Definitely not. 656.

Don't do it. Because that would be a bad idea for so many reasons. And now we've got a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Well, last week there was a bit of a debacle over the segment itself. When you say debacle, I'd say controversy. Yeah, I'd say controversy. I want to try to make this as simple as possible.

We were picking teams and the final team that was the winner of who would best be a team to take a guy for a week and scare the shit out of him and then drop him back off at his house and drive him crazy and drive him nuts drop him back off at his house like nothing

ever happened except for he's changed. The one team was Ed, Kevin, Ben, and Mike Racine. Mike fucking Racine. We'll get to the debate. We'll get to the debate. And then the other team was Jackie, Marcus, Sarah Benincasa, and myself. Now, Marcus, the controversy is Marcus was the point giver. He gave the points to Jackie's team.

And you created the game. And I created the game. But I did not give the points. Impartial. Impartial. I am. Totally. That's the thing.

Partial? Mm-hmm. Partially retarded. Oh! So we're going to have a point counterpoint. 30-second debate. We're going to go four rounds. I think he should be off the show again.

We're going to go four rounds. The two teams versus each other. It's going to be open to the team. Anyone can talk during the 30 seconds. We'll start with our team. We'll do 30 seconds. Then you guys are able to give your

counterpoint as to why you think you were wronged in this scenario. So, let's go. This is about taking somebody and accosting them and beating them up, right? No, not just beating them up. We're talking about destroying them mentally. Okay, well then go on with whatever you fucking assholes

are going to say. Jackie, would you like to start us off? Oh, and also, we also have to have a vote. Yeah, the chuckle hunters, the impartial people. We got five chuckle hunters. I don't care about your tiny world. All right, well, that's a good way to start. Next week, are they going to talk about things Henry and I said?

Probably, and we'll just get a homeless guy to vote on that. All right, so, you know, I'll i'll tell you what actually the offenders should start that yeah the people wrong yeah the losers the ones who lost the ones changing rules again i am interesting so it's almost like we can't you guys start because you're the you're the offended team you you feel like you should have won so let's do 30 seconds you ever fucking stick your hand in the man's daughter? And just pull the shit out of her ass and then rub it on her face and call her an Indian? Because it's bloody

and it's brown. And this is what you do to a man in front of his daughter. Is this man running for president? No, he's not running for president. He's running for his life. It's the whole thing that's going on here. You always gotta... You ever try to

stick a bunch of seaweed into a fucking dick hole? And they'd be like, oh, I'm sorry, I can't put the seaweed there and just fucking stick it to his wife. Well, once again, our golden son. Alright, counterpoint. Are we ready? Dude, you wasted all your time talking about that seaweed thing.

You didn't even get to the debate part. That's why we're fucking scary, man. Yeah, dude. All right, this is my argument for why we would be better at scaring a guy. All right, go. And ruining his life. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where are you going?

Where are you coming from? Where are you fucking going? Where's your fucking ass? Where's your fucking ass? For three days. Yeah, at least three days. At the very least, yeah. Well, Marcus makes tiny cuts.

Hey, you two, you knock it off. It's Holden's turn. No, no, no. It's open to everybody. We can all talk. Yeah, yeah. We're in a team together. You spoke for your whole group.

Yeah, and so, yeah, and that's the thing. You have Holden doing that. You're perfect. Yeah, and then, like, you've, just generally people being weird. Yeah, yeah, we're in a team together. You spoke for your whole group. Yeah, and so, yeah, and that's the thing. You have Holden doing that. You're perfect. Yeah, and then, like, you've, just generally people being weird. Yeah, yeah, well, what would you do, Mark? Not an idea. You fucking sucked. Eddie is the best.

Yeah, all right. God damn it. We got, we, you lost. Eddie, you fucked up. Hey, you fucked up. God damn it. Jungle letters. Team one, let's go.

Just take a second and look, just look at Eddie. Just look at him. Look at this dude. Take damn it. Team one, let's go. Just take a second and look at Eddie. Just look at him. Look at this dude. Take a second. Someone that is stoned out of his mind is going to do real good at torturing a man. Yeah, he is. He's creative. Shut the fuck up. You're wearing glasses. Dumb new glasses.

Doesn't make any sense. Dumb glasses. You look dumb. Ben, what are you going to do to this guy? I'm not going to do fucking anything. I'm going to stay in the car, jack off, eat my popcorn. I'm going to send in the brood. I'm going to be slamming some Milwaukee's Best Light.

All right, counterpoint. You ready? Counterpoint. All right, we ready? Yeah. Go. Hey! Hey! Hey! That's gonna be the noise that he's making whenever I'm

slowly just grabbing a hold of his neck grabbing a hold of his neck real slowly and then kicking it back out again and then back in. He's probably gonna fall asleep because we've seen that movie a thousand times. Every five seconds I will kiss the tip of his penis. Every five seconds while they're doing other weird shit.

You're going to blow the guy. I hate that. Yeah, right? See, that would make you go nuts. There it is. Good. I'm glad we got that. I hate that in there.

All right. Are we done debating? No. Final round. Yeah. Final round. All right, you guys. I'm going to fart in final round. I'm going to fart in his mouth. I'm going to fart in his mouth,

and I'm going to try to shit, but I won't be able to, and it's going to take so long. He's going to have no idea how long it's going to happen. But you know what, Eddie? I've been drinking so many beers, and I've been fucking eating so much popcorn, I got to shit. Thank you.

I'm going to take one big fucking stinky steamy right in his mouth, but he's not going to know what the smell is because he's used to your fart, so it's going to feel foreign, and he's not going to want to swallow it. I'm just going to drop my butt sweat into his mouth. My butt sweats a lot. It's going to drip into his mouth.

Teamwork. We're doing this, man. This is what we do. Teamwork. All right, time. Jackie, do you want to do closing arguments? Yeah, sure. I picked the team.

I feel that we're the most annoying, and if anyone's ever met a woman before, they know they're the most annoying thing in the entire world. How about dealing with a woman crying for hours about everything that he's done wrong. You do everything wrong. You don't look at me right.

And you make me cry. And I'm kissing the tip of his penis the whole time. I'm not pretty enough for you. I'm not pretty enough for you. And I'm whispering in his ears. I'm not pretty enough for you. Why are you looking at her? Why are you looking at her? Don't look at her.

Oh, God. By the way, that's disqualified. That's 35 seconds. You had to discount the last seven seconds. Wow. Those last seven seconds were so good. I know. I know.

If they counted them, they would win, but I don't think you can count them on a technicality. Alright, chuckle hunters, what do we got? Ben didn't get his fucking speech. I did. You guys got it. That's it, now we're done. We're done here. What do you guys think? There's five in the room,

so let's start with... Should we do a show of hands or just hear their opinions? It's an audio. Let's go around. Jared? Jackie's an audio. Let's go around. So yeah, Jared? Jackie's team. Awesome. And not because of the final discounted monologue. I'm confused and I'm upset. I think I've been in the room while Ed

has shat. That's gross. And Ed's putrid Ah, man. I mean, I've been in the room while Ed has shat. Gross. And Ed's putrid, horrible, cursed body is a thing that only H.P. Lovecraft would imagine. But I've also experienced Holden's tiny eyes And his awful Fucking ridge neck Like it was for her pleasure But it never would serve for pleasure A beard dog worm

I guess it's Jackie's team Yeah What the fuck Well Jake Young still has to vote Oh man Here's the thing I like the teamwork, President and Ed. Team Ed, Ben, Kevin.

Team Ben, Ed, Kevin are presenting a united front of weird, gross shit. But it's the discordant, multi-pronged offensive that is Team Marcus, Jackie, Holger. Alright, voting's over! Voting's over! Fine!

Fine, you disgusting, fucking... Voting's over. Voting's over. Fine. Fine. You disgusting fucking. That's fine. Fuck y'all. You only want it because you weigh ugly to us. Exactly. Technically, that's true. Yeah.

It's just because of Holden, though. Holden's ugly. It's just so strong. It outweighs anything else that the other team has to offer. Give it. Even Mike Christine. Lick the fucking bitches. All right.

Dave, what do you want to say? Anything? No, it's clear. Good, good, good, good, good. Eddie is scary. Eddie is scary. All right. Well, I guess we're going to wrap it up then.

What was Molly's opinion real quick? Molly, what did you think? I'm horrified by all of this. I had a very hard time following what was going on. I didn't know it either. I know, I'm just confused. I don't know what happened. I'm just thinking I'm going to have nightmares about all of this.

But I'm obviously going to side with Jackie. Yeah! So we beat you guys 4-1. Twice in a row. Wow, what an accomplishment Well, this has been the fattest roundtable of gentlemen of all time Thank you so much for being here Jackie Zebrowski

Jackie, give a good meow Meow Edward, can you close us out, man? I'm just devastated. All right. Holder McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Natchukohut, we had David Weishaus, Jared Logan, Henry Zabrowski,

Jake Young, Molly Neffel, Newsman Marcus Parks, and always the leader of the roundtable, our high captain, Ben Kissel. Give him a round of applause for Ben Kissel. For once in his life! I want to hear it! I want to hear it!

Thank you, Ben. Thank you for your humor. Clap for him and cheer! Oh my God, to beat Ben to be dead! Right now, man! Really powerful. You're so sad! Clap for Ben! Okay.

I get the joke. Let's do it! I'm in on the joke oh everything's funny man