The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 92: The Black Circle of the Square

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On today's Round Table: teenage exorcists take over Arizona, Kevin's dreams of dragons lead to racism on all fronts, and a gay priest screws up and broadcasts gay porn during mass, plus Henry Zebrowski and Micah Sherman join us in the Chuckle Hut and Amber Nelson sits in for Jackie!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ben, you're on prayer. Oh, okay. Dear Beelzebub, happy Easter. Happy Easter, Beelzebub. Thank you! Today you rose

from the dead. I love ya. Alright, welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Good job, Ben. I don't know how to pray! I don't know how to do it. Can we redo the prayer? You grew up in an evangelical household. How do you not know how to pray?

Because the real prayer is very, we would all hold hands and then your father will yell at you and then you eat. Well, do the prayer like your dad did it. Yeah. Yeah. Dear God, please make Ben change. I think he's going to be a faggot when he grows up. I'm so happy for my other two sons. They're definitely not going to be a faggot when he grows up. I'm so happy for my other two sons.

They're definitely not going to be faggots when they grow up. Because they're so big and so strong and so smart. Ben's so stupid, God. Make him stop eating so much food and make him less dumb. Hey Ben, do you want to go through what a serving size is?

Not really, Dad. So, Ben, do you want to go through what a serving size is? Not really, Dad. So, God, let Ben know that he should eat a whole frozen pizza, and he should only have two slices, because that's what one person needs. In your name we pray, Lord. Amen. Good prayer, Ben. Very good prayer, Ben. Good job.

It's terrifying. You should do it in your father's voice every time. I will do it in my father's prayer, Ben. Good job. It's terrifying. You should do it in your father's voice every time. I will do it in my father's voice every time. Thank you. Welcome to the Roundtable. Who is everybody? We've got a special guest today.

Another beautiful gal. Oh, thank you for calling me beautiful. Are you talking about Henry? Who are you? Amber Nelson. Hello, world. Hello, Amber. Ed Larson.

Happy Easter. Holder McNeely, hey. Somber performance thus far. Kevin Barnett, aka Faggot Mediocrity, best rapper alive. I'm Ben Kissel and the truck will help me out. Henry Zabrowski. Here's a shout out, Jesus ain't real. Happy Easter, I'm kidding.

That's a funny joke. There will be a fellow, Michael Sherman, joining us, but he't real. Happy Easter. I'm kidding. That's a funny joke. And there will be a fellow, Michael Sherman, joining us, but he's a little bit late. So let's get right to the news. Marcus, what do you got for us? I don't want to do this right now. What's wrong, Ben? I don't know, man. I got to stop drinking.

It's really low. It's the serotonin, man. I'm just running low. I've been slamming 40s down Haven't been fucking chicks I haven't touched an asshole Uncomfortably In like three weeks

You know Even your own? No but it's always comfortable When I do it to myself So what would make you happy right now? Just fucking Amber You know Just let me put my thumb on your asshole

That would be great. Hell, I'll even take Eddie. Hell yeah, thanks, man. Absolutely. Can I tell a secret story? Sure. You were very drunk the other night, and we were hanging out, just me and Ben. And he was drunk, and in a weird moment of seriousness, you turned to me, and you were like,

Let me suck your tit. And I was like, no, no, absolutely not. And you were just like, you got, you have them. You have them. You got them. And you just let me, and I was just like, you know, and I laughed. And then you're like, just fucking, just close your eyes and let me suck your tit.

Yep. I agree. I agree with Drunk Ben. What's the answer? What do I have to do to get you to say yes to that? I don't know. It needs, I mean, money. I agree with drunk Ben What's the answer? What do I have to do to get you to say yes to that? I don't know I mean money You don't have to pay me money Well that doesn't help me at all Very broke

Marcus you have no tits at all But you do have some news stories I do Brin, Tess and Savannah from Phoenix are black belts in karate, expert horseback riders, and avid musical theater fans. And they perform exorcisms. Quote from Brin, We're just normal girls who do something extraordinary for God.

After seeing an actual exorcism in person led by us, you will walk away with no doubt whatsoever. Big old bow. Yeah, are these chicks hot, dude? Yeah. They got to be. Yeah, absolutely. Can we see them? She's not hot. She's not hot. That's a totally

different thing. Oh, okay, good. That's the demon in the exorcist. Actually, it is. Oh, alright. Now they're showing scenes in the Exorcist. I don't like this new story. You don't like this one? Nah, well, I guess. What a great sentence to utter to keep the show moving along. I don't like

the words. I don't like the story. There you go, Eddie. There's the girl. Wow! Look at these chicks! Look at these little girls! Oh, man. When did you become a character from Gasoline Alley? Wow! Look at these chicks! I mean, I don't know. If I had a a character from Gasoline Alley? Whoa, look at these chicks! I mean, I don't know. I've had a cigar for every time I saw a hot chick.

Honestly, I feel like y'all are overreacting. They're trying to average these girls. But they're exorcists, which I think, you know. Red-headed white women, man. It's my type. It's like an attractive Cheryl Swoops. Yes, in reality, she's very ugly, but if we're a WNBA player, bangin' hot. Texas Tech University, Cheryl Swoops.

Oh, man. That milky white skin, creamy. Cheryl Swoops is very black. Oh, so we're talking about the other girls. It just leads you to ask the question, you know, how do you fake getting taken over by a demon in order to get some chicks to, like, suck suck your dick and eat their pussies out? The demon's in my dick! It's in my dick!

You have to suck the poison out. You have to suck the demon away from me. Mr. McNeely, this is not a pornography. This is not going to happen to your storyline. My demon's in my ass. Here's the screening process before agreeing to perform an exorcism. And by the way, this girl Brynn,

her last name is Larson. Oh, that's what you like already. Fucking blood. She's family. Oh, yeah. Actually, the hot one is Brynn Larson. Yeah. She claims, or here it is, before agreeing to perform an exorcism, Larson

interviews his clients. They're led by Brynn's father, Reverend Bob Larson. Who says he has performed more than 10,000 exorcisms in the last 30 years. That's a lot of exorcisms.

That's a lot of exorcisms. Larson interviews his clients to determine whether they are, in his opinion, demonically possessed. The client must fill out a questionnaire and give some background on his or her personal history.

It's tough to do. If they can't do it, then it proves that they're possessed. If it's written in English and not Latin, they're not possessed. Amber, as a woman, what would you do to cure a person's possession? Oh, to make sure that they are possessed? Yeah. Fucking suck that butthole dry, baby!

Yeah, that's fun. One gal I had suck on my butthole, very uncomfortable. Oh, yeah? Very uncomfortable. The male anus should never be touched. No, no, no. I disagree. Unless it's touched by shit.

Yes. Yes, Edward. You're a wise man, Edward. Or like when you're driving naked and you're sitting on the leather couch. You're sitting naked on a leather couch or driving on leather seats. Mercedes Benz. Take off your pants and drive around Rodeo

Drive. No pants on butthole on leather Yeah, meanwhile I'm over there sniffing all the fucking you know leather couches I Think a butthole has been here I don't know love Perfect timing so anyway you have to talk for the rest of the show Alright And how are you? We were just talking about Henry's naked asshole Sitting on a leather couch

Me going in there and sniffing it And then our good friend Micah showed up I will say that I took a shower today Tried to fart and shit went everywhere At least you're in the shower, man I'm glad I wasn't wearing pants when that happened Oh my goodness and shit went everywhere. At least you're in the shower, man. I'm glad I wasn't wearing pants when that happened. Oh my goodness.

Best place to shit yourself. Exactly. Was your drain clogged? No, no, no. You really want to talk about that? Yeah, he was in it. You brought it up nice. You just tow it down, man. You got to tow it down.

You got to tow it down. Did you tow it down? No, no. Or did you do a heel stomp? It was loose enough that it down, man. You got to tow it down. Put the tow down there. You got to tow it down. Did you tow it down? No, no. Or did you do a heel stomp? It was loose enough that it just slipped through the cracks. Good for you, man. Good, man. Congratulations.

Yeah, good day for you. That's really a fun thing to do in the shower. You got to eat flax. Flax makes your poop harder. Henry, if I have to hear about flax one more fucking time. Henry's been eating a lot of flax. He also hasn't been... He hasn't had the ability to use his own

bathroom because he's so thin that he fell through the bathroom floor. There was a weak spot in the bathroom floor. On the floor! That's been walked on for hundreds of years! I have not touched this... I avoided the weak spot, and then I was drunk and I just put my foot through it.

All right. It was rough. So you called your landlord. You're like, I just fell through the bathroom floor. You talk like that. You talk like a nerdy little fat kid. Just so everyone knows, Henry lives on the first floor. Yes, thank Christ.

She's gone to hell, right? Yeah, yeah. I went straight into, like, I just woke up. Fire shot out. I was in Richard Simmons' outfit. That's going to hell, right? Yeah, yeah. I went straight into, like, I just woke up. Fire shot out. Yeah. I was in Richard Simmons, like, outfit. Like, that's what hell is. You just, like, slide in between his tits and his fucking tank top.

You know, the one time that I was over at Henry's place, there was a set of devil horns in the bathroom. That's no shit. Interesting. No shitting around. So, now that you've been crapping in your boss, in your landlord's toilet, right? Oh yeah, seven times a day. I'm up to seven times.

Are you serious? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Like a rabbit. I thought you were just an asshole and you would just shit every time you came over to my apartment. No, no, no. I shit like hard pellets and I don't have to wipe anymore. Well, you do have to wipe, Henry.

You have to wipe. You have to wipe. You at least make sure you don't have to wipe anymore. Well, you do have to wipe, Henry. You have to wipe. You at least make sure you don't have to wipe. I make a customary wipe with the baby wipe and I have no poo-poo on the wiper. Why do you have baby wipes? Are you keeping baby wipes on your body? Yeah, there's no poop. You've never done that? You've never wiped your butt with a baby wipe? We do it for babies for a reason.

Because babies like it and then you find out a man can like it. I feel like a baby's ass is somehow more muscular than yours, though. So you just carry baby wipes with you at all times? I don't know. We do have a picture of a baby's asshole on the wall here in the studio. Yeah, it's Annie Letterman. We shouldn't talk about it. It's disgusting.

It's very uncomfortable. You have baby wipes. It's disgusting. Do you carry baby wipes with you everywhere you go, Henry? No. Oh, okay. Just in my house. It makes your butt wet, though. Yeah, it makes your butt wet, and then you either have a specialty towel, or if you have a curtain, you know what I mean? Again, if you're sitting on the leather of your Mercedes Benz, it doesn't need to be

totally dry, especially if you put paper towels. If you have a couple brawny sheets down on the bundle leathers Before you sit down on them, then it's fine. Yeah, a lot of people use they use the wet nap I like the wet nap on the ass. It's nice. I don't think you've ever done it. I should give it a shot Give it a wipe. I got my ass. I use Terry some sometimes sometimes I use those little suction fishes. Yeah, you're the ones you put in the tank that clean the walls? Yeah, yeah. I just fucking attach a couple of them to the rim of my ass. Very nice.

It's an old school medical procedure as well, I think. It might cure up your hernia, Eddie. Get some of those sucker fishes on there. My hernia is cured. It's my hemorrhoids that have been killing me. I got a problem with the H problem, Sam. I guess so. I can't wait for HIV.

And you wipe the blood in there, you know? Oh, my God, it's the worst. Oh, Eddie, you could beat AIDS. Oh, man, you fucking ain't right, man. As long as AIDS is a little Puerto Rican guy. What happened? What is going on? How did you make a racist joke out of that?

Eddie can make a racist joke out of anything. Those two ideas were so disparate to me, I stopped listening. I was just noting, what a nice friendship share that was. Eddie, you could beat AIDS. Yeah, I could. I love you. I love you too. So the Mexicans are taking over.

Oh yes. No. Definitely. I've seen it happen. What's going on Mark? Amber you got something about hemorrhoids? Oh I got them.

Yeah I got them. Do you? I got hemorrhoids. It's the worst. Can you get a hemorrhoid in your pussy? No. It's in her ass.

What? I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I don't like that. Because I don't know anything. I'm a learner. Ben I don't like that. Because I don't know anything. I'm a learner. Ben, if you could, you would have heard about it by now. Oh, so you can't get a hemorrhoid in your pussy, but can you get a...

You can get warts in your pussy. Well, that's great. She's nice enough to share that she has hemorrhoids with us, and you've got to ask if they're in her. Well, why can't they be in her pussy? What's a hemorrhoid? It's from pushing out shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's from pushing out all that shit It's from pushing out shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's from pushing out all that shit. And stress. Lots of stress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, fine. Pregnant women get them a lot. In their butts. In the butt.

In the butts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. It's probably good. It bleeds a lot. An old black man put his finger in there, and he told me I had a hemorrhoid. At the doctor. Happens all the time.

I love it. I'm glad you made sure you let us know it was up to Dodger. Man, you got hemorrhoids. Come here. Why? I'm a Dodger. You got hemorrhoids? I think you need some fresh sliced turkey.

Out of Gainesville, Florida. Our next story. Fuck them niggas. A man named... I agree. A man named Zot L. Zurgot... I love him. Allegedly walked out of her house naked,

turned to five... Oh, it's a woman! Turned to five of her neighbors and started whacking her penis. What happened? I got lost. Zurgot, a 52-year-old transgender man who identifies as both a man and a woman, was arrested

Wednesday by the Alachua County Sheriff's Office for Indecent Exposure and lewd behavior. He's a public masturbator. Of the five people who saw Zurgot's sexual equipment, one was a 10-year-old boy, another was his 4-year-old sister. The boy told officers, quote, the man was naked and shook his wee-wee at me.

The thing is, though, if your name is Zat L. Zurgot, you have no choice but to do everything he's doing. Name predisposition. So are you telling me that a transvestite from Florida... A transgender person from Florida showed its dick to people? Yes. No way. No way.

Five people. Five people. Including two children. What constitutes wagging your wee-wee at somebody? Hey, look at this, you little fucker. You're making eye contact with somebody and then wagging the wee-wee. With your other hand, you're pointing at them. I'm shaking this wee-wee at you

just to let you know this is all directed at you and your four-year-old sister. So you have to verbalize it. You have to verbalize it. This is for you. I'm doing this at you. At you. I shake my wee-wee at you! I shake my wee-wee!

That's some damning evidence right there. You say I shake my wee-wee at you. I shake my wee-wee. That's some damning evidence right there. You say I shake my wee-wee at you. Definitely, yeah. You know he's shaking it at somebody. Did he have tits? I think so, yeah. Were they on the front or the back? He went to the same doctor that fingered Amber's asshole and just got back tits.

She lists herself as female on Facebook. But she has a penis. That's a man. But no, she is female mentally. I saw a train we were talking about on the last show. Training on the subway today. She was wearing open-toed shoes. It was disgusting. How are you so sensitive about this and you have to ask a question about hemorrhoids

and a pussy? I know so much about gay people, but I know nothing about women because women don't talk to me, but gay men love me. He makes a good point. That's valid. But I feel like a penis overrides breasts. Absolutely. Let's say you have

a dick and a vagina and a uterus. Hermaphrodite. And you could shoot sperm and have babies. That's a really only like, then you are a man-woman. Yeah, but this person wants to be a woman. So, I mean, she calls herself a she. Yeah, but I want to be a fucking transformer and president of the United States, and I'm not either of those.

What if you shoot eggs out of your dick? Ugh. Like chicken eggs? Spider eggs. Start a spider farm, man. Okay. Oh, we'll do. Tell me about your spider farm.

No, well, you know, they just make this noise. I mean, it's not about eating your face off, but that'll happen. Inside the uterus of a woman is where they grow. You shoot your eggs in, and then they burst out of her mouth. It's salutations. Yeah. And it's just like a, kind of a dairy farm, but with women. Yeah,

my balls are too little uteri filled with spiders. We've been over this. They birth them like the turkey on, uh, what is it, family vacation? With the fucking turkey when it explodes. With the turkey. With the turkey. Don't start crying, Ben. I don't know what to do.

We're here for you, man. We love you, dude. Yeah, dude. We're here. Oh, Ben. We're your friends, Ben. Cool, dude. We love you.

So with the turkey. Hey, Ben, you want to talk about OJ Simpson? No. I want to talk about OJ. OJ no! No not a right comedic choice. Alright. OJ Simpson wasn't the killer. It was his son who murdered Nicole

Brown and Ron Goldman says a private investigator. Texas P.I. William Deere has spent 18 years probing the murders and he explains his case in a new book. Jason Simpson wasn't interviewed by police, nor was his DNA compared to evidence, even though he had intermittent rage

disorder and was on probation when the slayings occurred. The Jacqueline Hyde figure had assaulted an ex-boss with a knife who went so far as to buy a storage unit Jason stopped paying for, and the P.I. claims he found a hunting knife inside. See, I just think that he's not the killer. He's just his father's son.

Yeah. You know? What if they did it? They probably did it together. Maybe. Good bonding experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, and on the night of the murders, an angry Jason went to Brown's house after she bailed on plans to dine at the restaurant where he worked. Really? That would be a nice thing to do with your father. A double homicide with your dad would be something you could always have together. You know? Yeah.

What was something that you guys did with your dads that really mattered to you? Something that wouldn't make me cry. Oh, I was going to say cried. Oh, yeah. You cried with your old man? Yeah, yeah. We'd have cry sessions. Of course. We didn't. You cried with your old man? Yeah, yeah. We'd have cry sessions.

Of course. He didn't. Building large bonfires. That's how me and my dad bonded. Yeah, clan-type behavior. I would stand up in the back. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No. Bonfires, not crosses.

I would stand up in the back of the truck, and my dad would go down the highway. And I would be on the back in the outside part, would just like blow in the wind and he'd gun it. That was a lot of fun. I used to do that. No, we used to do that in groups. It was great. It was fun as hell when you were a kid. I used to put on this little dress and have this tray full of hot dogs during my father's giant poker sort of parties he had with various dignitaries and celebrities.

Sorry, I've never really said this in a lot before. And I'd hand out all the little things, and they'd take big silver dollars, and they'd put them in my mouth, my cheeks, up my nose, and down my pants, last of all, of course, in the end. And then towards the end, I would be in the center of the circle, they called it. They called it the black circle of the square. That's weird. My father, Ronald Reagan, Jim Henson, after he faked his death, they would all rape me. I've never said this on a podcast.

That's fine. That was an important memory I had with my father. Well, it's not rape when you get paid for it. Yeah, it was a job. Yeah, and that's what my father explained to me afterwards. I had signed that contract and I knew what I was doing. My dad taught me how to play sports. Yeah, that's good.

Gotta work hard. Back to the story. What is this made-up rage disorder? It sounds like he's just an asshole and someone just... Intermittent rage disorder. It's a Jekyll and Hyde type thing where you just kind of fly off the handle for no reason. Does he turn into a monster? He turns into a monster! Fantastic.

Turns into OJ. It sounds like someone's just a piece of shit and they just made up this thing for them. Oh, you have intermittent rage disorder. Oh, totally. And the kid didn't do it. I mean, 18 years to come up with this conclusion? Took a long time. How old was the kid when it happened? Four years old.

No. What? Of course old. No. What? Of course not. No. I would believe a four-year-old. They're nuts. Man, I love how if I just deliver something in an official voice, everyone just automatically believes me. Marcus, are dragons real?

No. I thought you were going to do it in the fake. Of course they are. This is called the no-hand episode. I'm fucking with you. Of course they're real Jesus fucking Christ remember that movie reign of fire I always wish that was gonna be the truth yeah come back and fucking burn down the earth try and tell me how much I've dreamed about this that's a good one instead of a zombie apocalypse a dragon

apocalypse it just makes so much sense. It makes perfect sense. It's just all these nerds working at 7-Elevens. You just thought that they couldn't graduate high school and had to work at 7-Eleven forever, but you just never knew that they were born dragon riders. That's what they were supposed to do. What happens in the dragon world? I know nothing about the beast.

How do you kill it? Does it get hernias? You just slit its throat, right? No, usually usually a dragon really the only weak points of the eyes through the eyes into the brain One shield right there's always like one shield you got to find where to put a scale. Yeah. Yeah an empty an empty scale No, no, that's bullshit. Yeah, that is just in the eyes. It's the only way you can kill him No, no stay away from the mouth. Death, no, the dragon that breathes flames, death comes out of it, but death cannot go in. Yeah. Oh, is that a thing?

Yeah. Oh, of course. We are quoting Game of Thrones. Go fuck Game of Thrones. I don't watch that bullshit. A lot of this depends on the ethnicity of that dragon, man. Asian dragons can be killed in a number of ways. They're just fast.

Well, they always have the mustaches, the little tendrils coming out of these dragons. How do you kill an Asian dragon? Any way you want, man. You bring him down to Chinatown and give him a bad job. Oh, I see. Just stamp Prada on it, sell it as a bag. That's sad. Soy sauce.

So Asian dragons are just fast? It's the only thing they have Well it depends I mean that also depends On the type of Asian dragon You got those mystical Immortal ones That only show up

Every four years After you collect All the dragon balls And you can't Oh god damn it You can't kill those Jesus Christ I thought you were

Talking about like Traditional No Dragon Ball Z I hate Dragon Ball Z But isn't the weird thing About dragons Is before people Like information it took you years to travel. Didn't people come up with dragons in their own countries without having to collaborate?

Dinosaur bones. Isn't that? Oh, dinosaur bones is what they did. Which is technically why. That's the thing that pisses me off about it. People are like, oh, dragons don't exist. But if people were calling dinosaurs dragons, I mean, they weren't alive at the time. They should have just called them dragons.

Instead of changing the name, what the fuck is their problem? Trying to make fucking people from the past look stupid. Exactly. Well, they just wanted to sound smart and get a Latin name. Thunderlizard. White people, man. I hate them. What are you talking about?

That's the Greeks. Nah, man. The people who named dinosaurs were just regular ass OG white people. That is good. I didn't know that we had another family. We did. I'll tell you what, I'm not... We were doing so good for so long.

And I'm not taking the Greeks on as being white. No. I'm not either. No, no, no. Yeah, they're out. Greeks are out. Italians are out either. I ain't...

No, Italians ain't white either. I'll take Italians. Italians is damn near black though, man. Yeah. Yeah. I still like them. No, wait, that's Spanish. Yeah. Those Greeks are, though, man. Yeah. I still like them. No, wait, that's Spanish. Yeah.

Those Greeks are their own people, though. Yeah. Fucking aliens. Absolutely. Get rid of them. Yeah. Because we celebrate differences here on Roundtable of Gentlemen, celebrating cultural differences. No, no, fuck that, man.

Why do we have to have all of them? Polish people, I guess they're white, right? Oh, they're horrible. Oh, yeah. All right, well, let's relax, man. Why do we have to have all of them? Polish people, I guess they're white. Oh, they're horrible. Oh, yeah. All right, well, let's relax, everybody. Anyway, yeah, we need to start excluding some people, though. Yeah, absolutely. How about Albanians?

Not white. They're not white. Yeah. Are they white? I don't know. Fuck them, they're out. What is truly white? You're truly white.

Western European. Me and you, buddy. Yeah, Scandinavian. I'm white as shit. We need to exclude some people. Yeah, yeah, buddy. I'm white as shit. Henry, half Italian, not white. Ben, Nazi, definitely white. Micah.

What are you, Micah? I'm Western European. There you go, white. Amber. Welch in German. There you go. Welch, the whitest of them all. Yeah. All right, well, we got it all solved.

Hell yeah. I'm white. I'm whitey. Yeah, you are, man. Look at you. Yeah, you are definitely whitey in this room. Yay! Kevin, is there anything you'd like to say to Whitey that you don't consider? I'm here. You don't know, Holden.

He just comes on his own. I'm a little rascal. I do bad things. So, uh, toss one at me right now. Get my goose. You're welcome to. Just vent it out, Kevin. Nah, man. He does enough to hurt yourself.

You do enough for your peoples, man. What do you mean, you people? White people. Don't try to turn this shit on me, man. Try my hardest. What's up with this priest? Alright, a Catholic priest in Northern Ireland insists he has no idea how gay porn

ended up on a memory stick he was using for a PowerPoint presentation to families before their children's first communion. That guy is white. Yeah. That guy's very white. After he clicked on a folder and explicit images filled the screen, the visibly shaken and flustered cleric quickly removed the stick.

And hard as the dickens. Here's a quote. He gave no explanation or apology to the group and bolted out of the room, leaving the parents and one eight-year-old child present quote, horrified and distracted. Distracted? I think he's pretty focused. What we mean is he sashayed

out of the room vigorously. So that kid never got baptized. It's going to hell. Yeah, no first communion for that. He just left and another priest took over for him because he returned 20 minutes later, no first communion for that. Well, no, he just left and another priest took over for him because he returned 20 minutes later, made no mention of the incident. He, quote, continued with the meeting and wrapped up by saying

that the children get lots of money for their holy communion and should consider giving some of it to the church. He pulled a perfect Costanza. You know, Costanza quit his job and he's like, oh, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. He just went back in on Monday and pretended it didn't happen. That's a perfect priest move. Lesson learned, man. You can't be a gay priest and be bad at computers.

It's like he had it saved on his program. Yeah, don't save it. It's on the internet. He had a memory stick. He just find it again. He had to bring it with him everywhere he went. He couldn't stop masturbating to porn for a fucking minute. He baptized his child.

These people, these priests, need to get rounded up and put in a big van to take it to a fucking canyon and throw it off the side. Yes. You grew up Catholic, didn't you, Henry? Yes, I wanted to be a priest. And now you want them all dead.

I just think that... I mean, I just... I'm down with... I just think that you... You're down with the clown? It's the most... I just think it's ludicrous that they can't have sex. She'll let them have sex.

Just let them have sex. It doesn't make any sense. It's pretty vigorously. Yeah, but it's like... But it's all secret and shameful. What if we let them fuck, like, a little, like, doll woman thing? Would that be fine? No.

You know, I want to say yes. Sort of. I think that it could be fine. Gay porn is good for this guy. Keeps him off the kids. It's important that he comes. It's important every man comes every morning. Santorum's going to take away porn. He does not

porn. I know. He's Catholic. It ain't right. He didn't say anything about gay porn, though. Just standard porn? Yeah, definitely. I don't care. I come every day. I fucking jack off once a day to gay porn. And then twice a day to straight porn to prove that I'm not a total faggot.

Yikes! What? What? What? What happened? That's another soundbite for the Kissel Collection. For the Kissel Reel. I thought it was fine. That's fine. So full of self-loathing.

No, it's fine. Ben, whenever you die from the blood clot in your leg, I'm just going to put together a long reel of shit like that to play at your funeral. Oh, it's going to kill. It will. It will. Your mother. She'll be dead by the time I die. I'm just trying to get all the

Nazis out of here. My mom's gonna die two minutes before I die. You'll make sure of that, right? I got a whole... I got a laundry list for you. Whatever. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding around.

You never know when you're going to kill her. You know? I'm just... Who cares? How would you kill your parents, Henry? Time. God's on our side for that one. It's a real good one.

Did you go pee or are we taking a break? I have to take a pee. I have to pee too. You guys will be fine without me. I don't think so, Marcus. Can we just finish this news story? I'll do the next news story. We don't have any more news stories. Alright, so there's this priest that flashed gay porn at a baptism. Oh, I like it.

Jesus fucking Christ. You guys have to... No, Marcus, just pee. porn and baptism. Oh, I like it. Jesus fucking Christ. No, Marcus, just pee. I'm back. Did you pee? That was a fast pee. Yeah, it was a real fast pee. You fucking idiots, alright.

We never talked about this priest, though. We just talked about the priest. Yeah, we were just talking about that. What priest? What happened to you? Did you just get lobotomized? Did you go into a time warp? What's happening with this round table? I don't think we're allowed to perform on holy days. I can't think.

I'm blatantly hungover. Fuck Easter and its stupid ass. Dude, Easter is fucking us in our dumb faces now. I don't like this. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of Easter. I don't feel funny. I don't feel good. I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. Micah. I feel nothing. I feel numb. Save the show, Micah.

Say something so funny that you make all of us laugh. Did you bring weed with you, Micah? I'm sorry. I should have brought weed. No, no, no. You left your weed in my place last night. I left it here? Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Hey, no. You left your weed in my place last night. I left it here? Yeah.

Yeah, I got it. Hey, great. You lost your weed? I lost it. I thought I left it somewhere else, but apparently it's here. Yeah, it's here. So you're the one with the weed. I held on to it for you. Aw, thanks, man. You're welcome, brother.

Hell yeah, everybody. Hip, hip. Hey! Now we can be funny again. Yeah! A Catholic priest in Northern Ireland insists he has no idea how... Did we already do that? Seriously, Mike, save the show.

We didn't really talk about how incredibly incriminating his exit was. Yeah. He's like, I have no idea. Goodbye. It did say he was visibly shaken and flustered. Oh, man. This was like a dream I had.

And that thing that I watched when I came ten minutes ago. There you go. He must have just freshly jacked off to that. Absolutely. I wonder, were they two male priests? I wonder what kind of gay porn it was. It says, the only details that I have is that it was images. And it was just pictures.

Parents said that 16 indecent images of men were displayed. 16? Sort of slideshow? When you press stop? It was like 4x4? Had to have been. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Why does he just look at streaming gay porn?

There's just so much gay porn out there. I just can't believe they counted how many gay pictures came on the screen. Sixty! That's one. Two. Maybe it was like the one like three. Four dicks. Five dicks.

Eddie, give us a description of Father Martin McVeigh. Is this the guy who did it? Oh, is that like Timothy McVeigh? Oh my god, is it Timothy McVeigh's father? Father Martin McVeigh. Is this the guy who did it? Oh, is that like Timothy McVeigh? Oh my god, is it Timothy McVeigh's father? Father Martin McVeigh. Henry, could you give us an Irish pronunciation of the name? Irish are just, it's a bad, it's a bad tribe. Yeah, So he's an old bald man with a fat nose and pointy ears and he looks like a guy who strokes off to gay porn. His face looks like a dick.

It looks like a dick tip. Yeah, it does. Oh, yeah. I can see the cum mustache on that fucking dumb priest. Sure. Absolutely. If you're a priest

and you're not touching kids inappropriately, you win. You are a winner. That's the point that I wanted to make. If that's your only sex life, if that's your only sexual outlet, he just revealed something really personal

to this whole family. That's got to be real awkward. Almost like he's sharing pictures of his boyfriend. Yeah. I like where you're going with this. He also revealed he can't afford two flash drives. That's the thing. They both are mine the most.

That's the saddest thing. The thing is, this guy's a good priest. Yeah, probably. He's a good priest. He is a good priest. And that he believes in God. Probably. There must be a God. It sounds like this guy believes in God.

The one thing that I wonder, what was he doing in those 20 minutes? From the time that he left and came back. Trying to suck his own dick. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. What am I going to do? Oh, God. I really got myself into a pickle this time. He probably just erased the flash drive.

Probably. Or just stuck it up his butt. He turned into a cartoon character. Stuck the flash drive in his ass so he could watch the images in his brain. Is it possible he was the trainee from the story previous? Unless that motherfucker took a plane

from Florida to Ireland. Tootsweet, probably not. Tootsweet. Tootsweet. I like Tootsweet. Y'all never heard Tootsweet? No one has. Tootsweet! Toot Sweet I like Toot Sweet Y'all never heard Toot Sweet? No one has Toot Sweet

Do you know about Toot Sweet as well? No I never heard it You never heard Toot Sweet? It doesn't make any sense Toot Toot Sweet What are you Toot Toot Henry what are you building over there?

You're reminding me of, like, Richard Dreyfuss, like, in, uh, Close Encounters of the... It all makes sense. He's got two... I just found that I... I found that the little plastic cups used for water can make perfect little stages for the beer cans. Yeah, he's got a beer can and a couple plastic cups to make a little tower. This is helping me be okay.

All right? This is what I'm doing to be okay, to be around everyone. Just so the listeners know, last night was Joe List's birthday. Joe List is a frequent guest here on Roundtable of Gentlemen, and all of us had quite a good time. Yeah, very good time. I climbed up on all the tables and hurt myself. Yeah, you did hurt yourself. You were doing a great job as Skeleton Dan.

What time did everybody wake up today? Oh, two hours ago. About 11 a. You were doing a great job. As Skeleton Dan. Yeah. I heard myself. What time did everybody wake up today? Oh, two hours ago. Two hours ago? About 11 a.m. 9 a.m. 12, 12.30, which was so dumb. Yeah, I should have slept longer. I woke up with my nose in Joe's ass.

Wild. Yeah. Happy birthday to you. Really? Absolutely. I mean, that could be true. Is that true? I don't know if that's a joke or not.

I drank a bottle of vodka alone and I watched this new horror movie Undocumented, which is all about the immigration problem going on in Arizona. But it's more of a torture film, right? They do the immigration for two seconds just for justification. And then they just kill everybody. It's pretty sweet.

Imagine a woman's face on everybody that gets killed. It is a comedy hoot. You too. Ow! Yikes! What happened? No, no, no, no. Building up that reel today, man.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, I think we're going to start calling those statements funeral clips. That'll be fun. I was jacking off, though, and I was ejaculating, and I looked to the right and I saw one of those penis growth ads as I was coming, and though and I was ejaculating and I looked to the right and I saw one of those penis growth ads as I was coming and it was very awkward they gotta get the big penises

off the side scroll I agree this is driving me nuts I expand to full screen that can kind of take care of it but holy shit how many times that same black dude it's always the black dude it's that gigantic cock that veers like five inches off to the left. It's weird.

No, take it. Have the beer. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Coo, coo, coo, coo. Going to be a little bit of a contest today. What president would you assassinate and how would you do it? I just think that this is so

dangerous. No one's allowed to say Barack Obama. No. You just said Barack Obama. You just said Barack Obama. Now you're fucking implicated, man. Alright, so I pick Barack Obama. Don't do that! You can't do that! That is so illegal, dude. Alright, I don't pick him.

Alright. Okay, who wants to start? I pick some other corpse. I would love to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. Okay, how would you do it? With a gun. In a theater or? At a movie theater. I had a great acting career.

And I wanted to throw it all away to save the union. Oh, yeah. Alright. I think I'd actually kill Taft. I'd feed him to death. Ah, like seven. Yeah. Nice. I was going'd actually kill Taft. I'd feed him to death. Ah, like seven. Yeah. Nice. I was going to do the same thing with Garfield. I was going to feed him cheesesteaks. Oh, yeah. He was just this fat man

with a beard. He was shot. He was shot? Yeah, he was assassinated. I didn't know that. No, he was shot right before a speech and then went up and finished the speech. And then he died because he was too much of an idiot to fucking... I've got to address these four constituents.

Kevin? The president from Independence Day. And I would... Uh-oh. Yeah, no, he can do that. No, no, no. I'm saying, why do you want to kill him? He did a terrible job getting those people on that helicopter. Shit blew up right when it got into it. That was fucked up. I didn't like that. No, no, no. I'm saying Oz and like, why do you want to kill him? He did a terrible job getting those people on

that helicopter. Shit blew up right when it got into it. That was fucked up. I didn't like that. How would I kill him? I don't know. I like tigers. Use that shit. Probably. Would you like sew meats onto them? Nah, nah. You just put them in a cage with a couple of them and let them figure it out.

What if he befriended the tigers? That's not going to happen, man. Tigers don't like assholes who can't get people on helicopters. That is true. Micah? One of us is going to go missing after this. Who's the president and CEO of Walmart? Sam Walton.

No, he's dead. All right. Already done. Already did it. No, he's dead. Alright. Already done. Already did it. George Washington. Yeah, I can. It's a fucking segment. What I was going to do is I would slice open the skin

of his face and shove in all the loose pockets that were now in his face. Scorpions. Very good. Right? And then what you do is you put a bunch of larvae flies like a scorpion's most delectable favorite meal.

And you fucking shove them pocketful by pocketful up his ass. So the scorpion's gotta fucking dig through his brain and down through his esophagus Down to his Through his stomach And then out his fucking ass

Until he's dead And the whole fucking congress is gonna sit and watch it And they're gonna know the wrath Of George the third Cause I'll be working for the British And we'll all be British Now I feel like your murder is scientifically inaccurate the third, because I'll be working for the British. And we'll all be British now. I feel like your murder is scientifically inaccurate.

Alright, and now it's time for the scoring. Well, real quick, I would sew Ronald Reagan's mouth to Ben's asshole. Thank you. Can I go back and kill Jimmy Carter? I would actually legitimately like to kill Jimmy Carter. How would you actually legitimately murder Jimmy Carter?

Oh, I would just... Peanuts in his eyes? Yeah, peanuts in his eyes. Treat him like a doll boy or something like that. Rape him, you know? God knows. I guess I'd rape him. I don't know. Rape him to death, you know. And myself, for the record,

I would smother Richard Nixon with a pillow. Oh, okay. That's a lovely way to talk. You want to see him squirm and sort of thrash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what it makes that noise. It's pretty fun. All right. Look, getting that pillow around his nose, though.

Yeah, that's the major problem. He can breathe under 10 feet of water. As always, we're going to start at the bottom and move to the top. Amber, you're at the bottom, unfortunately. You got a four. I like that, though. You got a four. Ben, you're next.

I always am. Was this for Carter or for Lincoln? Well, you know what? Lincoln, whenever you said Lincoln, your score was just no. And that's it. It's not a number. But you know what? I really liked what you did with Carter.

So I'm giving you a 10. So that means that Eddie, you got an 8. So Eddie's second to last. So you fucking suck, Ed? I do. That's because I gave Taft his only wish. Yeah. That's because I gave Taft his only wish. Yeah.

Next up is Kevin with a nine. So I beat Kevin as well? Yeah. Oh, actually, yeah, you beat Kevin as well. Because Kevin, you know, I thought that he was a great president. Oh, wow, really? Who? Who did you choose? Let him lead your country then.

I would. I would if I could. For today is our Independence Day. No, don't do that shit. Oh, Bill Pullman. And so now, it's between two men. Micah and Henry. What about Holden?

They didn't rate Holden. He doesn't matter. Alright. And I gotta say... Whatever happens, you played it well. I couldn't be up against a person I respected more. Couldn't you? How do...

Why did I say... How does one answer what I said What did I say That's why I answered with a question Very good No and Micah I liked what you did

Because you succeeded In your goal You wished it and it happened It's beautiful I love you Marcus I love you, Marcus. Yeah. I love you too, Holden. It's very Hertz-gull of you.

Holden gets a 10. Thank you. Tied with Ben. Fuck that. Henry. Yes, Marcus? No, guys, I'm trying to get my adjudication. Henry.

Yeah? I like the scorpions. Thank you. And I like who you went for. Bring the energy down. I'm just saying, stomach acid, it fucked the scorpions up. And I like cutting. I like loose skin.

That's why I'm friends with Ben. Hey, man, because I like loose skin. It goes around in a circle. It really does. There's a whole room full of friends here. There really is. And Micah, man. Because I like loose skin. It goes around in a circle. Fuck. It really does. There's a whole room full of friends here. There really is. And Micah,

as much as I love you, Henry's the winner. I get the rose. I get the rose. There it is. Congratulations, man. Hard choices and hard segments,

boys and girls. This has been another segment by Holden McNeely brought to you by Spooky's, the scary syrup. Well, let's get around it.

Thank you, Amber. Really brilliant. No, thank you. Thank you, Ed. You're welcome, Ben. Thank you. Don't be mad at me. Holden McNeely,

Kevin Barnett, I'm Ben Gissel. Yeah, faggot mediocrity checked me out on YouTube in like four years. Yeah. Henry Zabrowski, Micah Sherman, thanks for being here, guys.

Hey, feeling bad. I'm sorry for what I've said. Well, it won't be released. All right, can we go? Yeah. I mean, after... Oh, do you need to be thanked? I'd like it.

Maybe I should fucking win a goddamn competition when nobody... You've won one. Thank you, Marcus Parks, everybody. Is that it, Ben? I've been done since it started. Have you fucking heard it?