The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 93-94: Look At This Lucky Guy

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a mother pepper sprays her baby in the face, Mike Recine shows us a terrible thing and tells us what dogs in a bathtub is, and the Round Table shares their beefs. BEEFS! Plus, Louis Katz returns to the city and joins us in the office!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Mm-hmm. Bitch! Bitch! All right, let civility. Bitch! Alright, I have to start. Jackie, you have to pray to the Lord.

Oh, are you ready for me to pray now? Pray, bitch! Alright, Lord, thanks for letting me be a bitch. I really appreciate you giving me this opportunity, man. Because being a bitch is better than being a man any fucking day. I can do whatever I want to my body and I still get the love. I still get the grub. You know what I mean?

And I just want to thank you for giving me that opportunity to be a fucking bitch. Every fucking day for the rest of my goddamn life. In the Lord's name we pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Yeah! That was an aggressive one

Our fucking bitch We know Jackie's here, she's the bitch Who else is here? Ed Larson Holder McNeely, fucking swag That's gotta stop Kevin Barnett I'm Ben Gizzo, with us as always

The Gentile Louis Katz. He's not always. Gentile? Oh, he's not? He's not Gentile nor always here, but yes. Oh, did I say always here? You're Jewish, huh? I am, yes. Katz.

Jewish name, huh? I didn't know. I don't know much about anything. All right, Marcus, give us some news, buddy. All right, Janie Young of Houston is charged with pepper spraying her infant son in the face. He deserved it! What did he do? Always crying.

Well, here's the thing is that what she was actually trying to do, she didn't mean to hit the baby. She was trying to pepper spray the boy's father who was holding the baby. Oh! Baby's in the way. Classic. It's really a microcosm of their relationship. The baby's in the way Exactly

Is the baby okay? The baby's fine The baby's fine She's being charged? Yeah Yeah yeah yeah She was released on $2,000 bond on Saturday

She's actually being charged With having a really fat face Is that illegal? Her head Is not shaped Like a human's head That's a bit of an Oblong head

A lot of features very close together. A lot of face around the features. That's the Haitian head. Her head is sort of like a map of Canada. Uninhabitable for the most part of the forehead. And then everything just seems to be clustered towards the bottom. It looks like she's got two live lobsters in her mouth. I'm going to go ahead and call fetal alcohol syndrome on this one.

Who is giving these Haitians pepper spray? That's a good question. Maybe it's just used as an actual condiment. That's what we sent them for food aid. Yeah, pepper spray. After we sent them cholera, how about clear this up with some pepper spray? Best corn in town, though.

Really great corn. So what's going on? What city was this chicken? This was in Houston. Oh, in Houston, Texas. Yep, Houston, Texas. Makes a lot more sense. I feel like at least it gives a reason for this baby to be retarded or half of a person As opposed to what it would have been

Look at her she's not a real person Unfortunately she is a real person Yeah right Technically Also I mean you have to toughen up your baby You gotta drop it every once in a while You gotta spray it with things You gotta put it in a cage with a live alligator

That's how a baby learns. Yeah. If you have a tough baby. Otherwise, it'll have a peanut allergy, and we wouldn't want that. That's the thing. We're going to clear out the plane because their dumb baby has a peanut allergy. Exactly. Exactly.

What would you spray your kid down with, Holden? I'd use it as a bowling ball once a month with my league games. You don't think anyone would say anything to you? Like, hey, Holden, don't use the baby. It's a thing that's alive If you grease up the baby, then it's fine That sounds like a very ineffective bowling ball That's the thing

I teach it so that it rolls all the way down But as soon as it gets to the pins It stretches out, spreads out And fucking whaps them all It still only weighs six pounds That's the thing, and then it cries and cries And then I guess it would have to go through the ball chute and come back to you. That's the thing.

After the tunnel with all the other balls. Exactly. Mangled mess. Love that greasy baby. We were talking about greasing up babies, right? Oh, yeah. That's a funny pastime. I'll tell you what.

Give me your baby. I'll toughen him up. Sounds good. That's the thing. Send it my way. Human daycare center? Exactly. Baby boot camp.

Yeah, exactly. Baby boot camp. I'm sick thing. Send it my way. You a daycare center? Exactly. Baby boot camp. Yeah, exactly. Baby boot camp. I'm sick of these fucking pussy ass babies. I'm going to fucking teach them some real shit. Stretch some baby assholes. That's right. We're going to watch every Nightmare on Elm Street. We're going to fucking...

Fist them. I'm going to leave them in the middle of Bushwick. They can figure it out. There you go. I was just talking to Shannara about this show. She works here at the Creek in the Cave. And she was like, I want to listen, but you guys don't talk about dead baby stuff, do you? And I was like, no, no.

What do you think we are? I literally said that in the first ten minutes. It's all about babies and bowling balls. Five minutes. Great. We're even better than I thought. We're not. We're talking about getting babies involved in sports. Yeah, man. You hear that, babies?

Quit your crying. Holden's coming with grease. That's terrifying. That is the scariest thing a baby's ever heard. I bark at him. It's his own grease that leaks out of his body. He is covered in it right now. That fucking baby is going to be spider-walking up to the ceiling

as fucking soon as I get done with the man. They'll fucking scare you in the middle of the night. You won't be the fucking mommy anymore. The fucking baby's the mommy. All right. Let's get out of this. Baby's the mommy! Baby's the mommy!

Barb, I don't think we're going to leave our child here. Tyler doesn't seem to like it. Can a woman milk herself? Yeah, of course. Yeah, they do it all the time. Yeah. I've seen enough pornography to know that women can definitely milk themselves I feel like women should be more scared of breast pumps than anything it looks like they hurt don't like bite at your nipple I

thought you said you used one once no no no I watched my sister use one you watch your sister is huge can she's huge can yeah my mother my sister has huge cans, right? She has huge cans, yeah. My mother and my sister have huge cans. Oh, full of milk. Yeah, they're definitely filled with milk. Get that milk! Get the milk! Oh, sissy, sissy, give me milk. Don't be as gross as Holden, Jackie.

You can't have two. Kevin Barnett is about to vomit over here. So, did this child, do they have a follow-up on it? Did the child stay with the father Or what's going on with this poor baby The child went on to win American Gladiators Very important

Fought Blaze in the final contest He's Laser I think Blaze and Laser It was Blazer actually He just dressed nice He's the yuppie gladiator He's the yuppie gladiator. He's a yuppie gladiator. Yeah, you win the match by getting his glasses off of his face.

What were the names of those old... Nitro was an American gladiator. Gemini, Storm, Ice. I have a feeling we're going through Ed Larson's Spank Bank right now. Yeah, this kid is going to be tough, though. So we're giving her Mother of the Year? We're giving her Mother of the Year. All right.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Your mom! We were talking about earthquakes earlier with Haiti. There was a big earthquake in Thailand recently, in case you guys didn't know. All those dead whores. Oh my goodness. But they're all boys.

Alright. So apparently KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken, is big in Thailand. And whenever the warnings went out, like everyone go home, KFC Thailand posted on its Facebook page, let's hurry home and follow the earthquake news. And don't

forget to order your favorite KFC menu. Wow. That is just as sinister as when Captain Spalding tries to sell you chicken from the fucking gas station he works at in House of a Thousand Corpses. It's very scary. So you're telling me the KFC in Thailand can't be trusted?

Everyone's coming to the food. I think I've seen pornos of some blurred out dicks and I'm fairly certain the sauce is not all food. I think that means they can be trusted, man. Think about it. You're going to die in an earthquake. Wouldn't you want to have some delicious fried chicken

from the colonel, no less. I always blew my mind that a guy who looked like a slave owner sold all this chicken. Well, no, he was notoriously racist and he always felt bad that his clientele was black. He never understood why in the city. Really? It's so racist.

Same with Sam Walton. I knew about Tommy Hilfiger and shit. Tommy Hilfiger is a whole other kind of racist. He's a douchebag and such a terrible white. But the nigga made some great jeans. You just feel so bad that you said that. He's just so hurt. I want to see that on an ad for Tommy Hilfiger.

He's a bunch of models. He's a racist. Beautiful. He's a racist, but the what made the jeans? The what? Good jeans? I just wish I was black, or at least remotely tan. Or mildly cultural, in which I could say words that I can't say.

Anything that's not like what you are now, right? Yeah. Pretty much. If you're in an earthquake, what's your favorite food? I think fried chicken is pretty high on the list. I would go maybe a taco or pizza. Macaroni and cheese. Oh, great earthquake food.

Something easy, you know, like a cheeseburger. You can't have anything where it's like spaghetti probably won't work, soup won't work. Why wouldn't the soup work? Because, you know, your spoon's shaking and it keeps falling off the side. Burn yourself. You want to burn yourself. At the end of the day, eat your cat. Which we have proved on this show many times before

is not only ethical, but should be encouraged. And nutritional. Why is this like a KFC alert that goes through Thailand? It was on Facebook. The KFC Thailand page. And apparently there are many people who are friends with KFC Thailand. Which, why would you be friends with KFC Thailand? Or KFC in general? Why does Facebook

want you to be friends with Subway and McDonald's? These are not my friends. How else are you supposed to know what's going on? You gotta be a part of the community. I just hope that KFC made their Workers stay at the places So that they could deliver the food

You ain't going home You staying here People need KFC The friars are all shaking They just have grease all over their faces Their skin's peeling Please don't, please make us go home Alright, good Jackie

Let's move on from that racist statement To a whole new type of racist Please don't. Please make us go home. Alright, good, Jackie. Let's move on from that racist statement to a whole new type of racist. No, it wasn't racist, baby. You said please. It was an impression. But now we're moving on to Mr. Mel Gibson. Oh, my man!

He is happy that John Lennon was shot. Sure! Really happy about it. I'm at your party last night Jackie And Stephanie your roommate She's a great gal But she has that picture with John Lennon Cuddling up to Yoko Ono

Like he's a little dead fetus And he's just on her body And I just agreed with Mel Gibson at that moment I'm glad he's dead too Why does he dredge it up the past? Why this? Why is this that he's talking about? How did this even come up in an interview?

This was something that his screenwriter and almost collaborator Joe Esterhaus Esterhaus Like in Caddyshack 2 This is Esterhaus I like him They were trying to work on a film together

about a Jewish warrior, Judah Maccabee Do you know who that is, Louie? Yeah, who is it? He's a really tough warrior Also Jewish The story of Hanukkah is based around him He's who fought against the Greeks Led a whole rebellion against them

And then there was oil for eight days Oh wow, what an exciting story Let's base a religion off of it. How is that story a launching pad for an entire faith? It's just one holiday. Oh, okay. Our faith is based on God, not on some wacky guy who did some shit like you guys.

Oh, no. Is that a beef? Wait. Is that a beef? That's a beef. That's a foreshadowing. Did you just call our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ wacky? He's a little wacky.

I like your style, Louie. He's a little wacky. I agree. I agree. I like wacky people. He's like the original, the Bible's the original peewee's playhouse. You know, there's all kinds of wacky shit going on. Things are talking.

They shouldn't be talking. The bush is the original talking chair, actually. That's a good point. You can't sit on either. I mean, who can sit on a talking chair or a burning bush? Today's secret word is sodomy. So whenever I say that word,

we all gotta go wacky. Wacky? As in jack off my cock? There's lots of ways to be wacky. Is that what happens? You're on a date with a girl and she's like, can you get wacky for me right now? And then you beat your dick off? That's how I found every single girl

I've ever raped. What? I'm sorry. Scratch it. Scratch it. I was going to say have sex with them comedically. Don't shoot me. Hey, Matt, I thought it was funny, man.

Thank you. I just went down a comedic list of words really quickly, and raped was the one that won the battle. I love rape. Yeah, thank you. We know, Jackie. I just took one for Jackie. I took a rape away from Jackie.

Thank you. You're welcome, Jackie. Thank you. You guys want to talk about Charles Manson? Always. Denied parole for the 12th and probably five... Oh, shit, man. There was a person's testicles in the window. You guys want to talk about Charles Manson? Always. Denied parole for the 12th and probably 5th. Person's testicles in the window.

Mike Racine is showing us his balls. Thank you. For a second I was like, if Holden's in here, how is Holden out there? But then it just turned out to be Mike Racine's balls. There are balls hanging. Get your balls out of here. They're huge and disgusting.

Get your balls out of the window. Very patient. That was a good minute. Although, I do have to say, Mike Racine, nice clean balls. Yeah, yeah. Bad-ass nuts. They've never been touched. Nice.

Thank you. But do you want to come in? Just come through the window. No, don't come through the window Go around Okay, come around I don't want to interrupt the show or anything Jesus Christ Jesus, with your big fucking disgusting monkey balls

That's so disturbing I thought that shave job was real weird Because the balls were hairless And he had a huge bush right at the base of his dick But at the top of his balls I think that's a very odd way to shave What's the point? What's the point of that?

Bring a chair in Alright, well now Mike's coming in It's like a mustache for his balls. I think that's a very odd way to shave. What's the point? Alright, well now Mike's coming in. It's like a mustache for his balls. Mike, do you shave your balls or do you just hang them through random windows? What do you do with those disgusting... Why are they so big? I feel bad. They weren't that big.

They were normal. We've already established that you don't have regular sized genitalia. I thought you had big balls but tiny. No, I have an average penis. It's five inches and thick and round and big and nice. But then the smallest balls.

I used to always have to fake it when people would kick me in the nuts growing up. They'd be like, oh, you really got me. But in my head I was like, I feel fine. I could go have sex with eight or nine different sort of cows. If you're the only one who wants to get on the like, oh, you really got me. But in my head, I was like, I feel fine. I could go have sex with eight or nine different sort of cows. Who wants to get on the show? Just so you know, all you have to do is come show us your balls. And you can get on the show.

That goes for most female stand-up comedians as well. Just show your balls, and you can get on the show. Well, nice to have you, Mike. Thanks for joining us. Well, I don't have to be on the whole show. I just wanted to show you guys my balls. Thank you. All right.

Well, if you had a thing planned or something that didn't involve me. We don't plan shit, man. Yeah, man. We don't plan shit. Hey, hey. I do a little bit. I was really nervous about it. I consulted with like three people before I did it.

I mean, they were giant nuts, man. But the thing is, the thing about having nuts that big is your agility is probably terrible. Your agility is terrible and your friends are terrible. If you consulted with three of them and all of them said, oh yeah, you should put your balls in the window. I feel weird. I stare at balls the most out of anyone here. And I looked at them for a while and I didn't know what it was.

Is that a problem? It's because there wasn't a dick attached. Yeah, I need a dick attached to the balls. It took me a little bit staring at it to realize what was going on. I knew what was going on. That's happened to me with gay sex. When you see pictures of that. There's a set of balls and there's a full dick, but why is there just balls?

Oh, the dick is in the ass. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. Look at this lucky guy with four balls. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. You're this lucky guy with four balls. Man, I wish I had four balls.

Wait a second. Oh, no. Better watch some football. I accidentally would... I hate when the dude throat fucks a chick or gets on top of the chick and then they show the asshole, that asshole cam of the man. I had a real... Why?

We ought to start a petition. Oh, we do. Start a petition. I mean, that's the thing. Asian people blur out the cock. American porn should blur out the male asshole. It is so disgusting. I had a really questionable moment of ejaculation recently.

Asian porn blurs out the cock. It's illegal to show it in Japan. But they can have diarrhea on each other. That's why they do it. Alright, Mike, you're going to have to leave now. We're trying to really get ourselves an Asian audience. Yeah, I'm not funny. I just haven't set a ball.

Oh, I've been looking at so many pussies lately. Oh yeah? How then? I've never looked at pussies before. Chicks with the tight pants. I've just been, for the first time, I've looked at pussies as opposed to tits and ass. Camel toe? Camel toe. I think it's kind of erotic.

Have you been looking lately? Today I did. And what was it like? And what was it like? It was very exciting, man. I was getting off the plane. This bitch was standing there. She had some gray tights on that were far too tight.

Just showcasing. It was all out in the air. I enjoyed it. It's really fun. Marcus, what was that facial reaction for? Well, the facial reaction was I figured out the location to this week's Pedophile Corner. Hey! It's back!

It's back! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Indiana man who allegedly blackmailed 14-year-old boys into uploading sexually explicit images and videos of themselves. According to chilling court documents, Richard Leon Finkbiner 39. Yeah, Leon Finkbiner.

Wait, Richard Leon? So Dick Leon Finkbiner? Yeah. It's like he changed his name to that for his career as a pedophile. Pedophile stage name. Yeah, you have to get him registered. If I'm going to register, I want it to look good on the registry. When the roster gets printed out, I want it to look cool.

Exactly. He's got to get that pedophile street cred. No, I'm sorry. Ronald Pinkbottom is taken. Hold it. Pedophile name. What would you give yourself? Gerald Tickley Touch.

I want to be touched by you, dude. I wish I could go back in time and be a 13-year-old boy again. He's like, hey, do you want to come with me in the corner? It's got to have to put on that voice when I'm going off. Filin', as I like to say it. Filin' on. All right. So this guy, what he did, the blackmail,

he said that after the boys gave him the original material, he threatened to show that material to friends or family if they wouldn't upload more. Here's some of his correspondence. Here's what he wrote. Only I have this link. You want to play this game or you want to be a gay porn star? Oh, wow. So he threatened them with stardom.

Yeah. How many tiny penises did he say? He has roughly several hundred victims. Wow! But the kids would always send him one picture first? Yeah, he got that initial pic. How old were the kids? 14.

Not a crime. Not a crime. It's all specifically 14 years old. These are all gay little kids that are trying to... They're not gay little kids. They're 14-year-old kids. Just not taking pictures. At 14, I'm not taking pictures of my dick and sending it across the internet.

That's exactly what you would be doing, Eddie. Yeah, that's the thing. We didn't have those capabilities back then. Yeah, Eddie didn't grow up with the internet. How do you grow up with a dick? Yeah, yeah. How about that? The ability to spread it around the internet.

Yeah, and I fucking rubbed it on my stuffed animals because I didn't have a camera and fucking access to that shit. So that's the only thing stopping you as a kid from sending pictures of your dick to men was technology. Well, men, women, mothers, fathers, you know, just like corporations and shit. I would have loved it, man. I would have sent it to like fucking, you know, Just, like, corporations and shit. I would've loved it, man. We'll just send it to, like, fucking, you know, McDonald's and shit.

McDonald's is cool, but I'm saying, like, these kids are just, they're trying to seduce this guy. I don't think they're trying to seduce him. Well, here's what the guy says. Why are 15-year-old kids sending out pictures of their dick? What's funny? Fucking procedures, but it balls in a window. And we said, we're gonna tell everyone about those balls or something. It's ridiculous. He chose to show the balls a ball in a window. He's a 30-year-old man. And we said, we're going to tell everyone about those balls.

It's ridiculous. He chose to show the balls. It was a choice. We're not going to jail. It was a hard choice to make, though. I deliberated for a long time. I was nervous. I'm sure these children did as well, but they thought about it good and hard and they thought this was the right thing to do. God bless them.

God bless America. The guy says, in another one of his correspondences He said yes it is illegal I'm okay with that If you don't play I promise I'll fuck your life over See I feel like And also this guy doesn't know He writes the letter U instead of saying U

He uses that stupid ass ellipses thing LOL No punctuation He knows how to communicate with kids yeah that's what you mean he knows what he does well because i actually feel for pedophiles like i think it's a disease but this guy just seems like an asshole yeah a little bit well i mean okay come on dick about it but diseases have cures i don't know if there's a cure for pedophilia pedophilia is a disease yeah i don't think it's a disease then Then what do you do if you find out that you're a pedophile?

You can go get help. From who? From therapists. Kids' butts. Or find a little girl with a kid's butt. Occasionally you'll see a person. If I just fuck one kid's butt, maybe it'll go away. No, you get a prescription from a doctor.

You take it to Duane Reade. You get some little kid's asses. It should be away. You get a prescription from a doctor, you take it to Duane Reade, you get it to some little kid's asses, you show up. It should be like a little kid blow-up doll. I wonder though, I wonder though if there's ever been like, you know, they gotta look at evidence. If there's ever been a cop who Yeah, it's coming to me in this year.

Now I'm just shooting in the air. Bang! I wonder if there's ever been a cop looking at the pictures like, oh, this is terrible. This guy's a monster. This kid's got kind of a nice dick. I'm sure there is. After a while, they probably get desensitized to it.

Well, they actually have experts, like the doctors, that'll say, this might be someone who's of age. There's no way this is someone of age so they could tell you know if the person was lying or if the person was like straight up purposely being a pedophile like Racine's balls are of age

those have seen a lot they look like old balls they're 35 year old balls on a 25 year old man it's really weird it's like his balls are like Benjamin Button you know it's really sad it's like the picture balls are like Benjamin Button. You know? It's really sad. It's like the picture of Dorian Gray.

Like, I don't age, but my balls do. That just makes me... The Benjamin Button thing just freaks me out because you're going to be an old man with little baby balls. Little tiny baby balls. Just so gross. He's still going to be the same. That's better than being a baby with old man balls. Oh, God. Could you imagine that?

Actually, I'd high-five my fucking son if he came out with big old fucking man balls. They'd be so close to the ground. He never gets changed. I know he wet himself, but I just can't look at his balls anymore. He's so old. Instead of a diaper, you just tie his whole sack around his waist? All right, everybody. Let's all get a look at Dick Leon Finkbeiner.

He's a pedophile. Classic. He's really dedicated to this. And his mustache. Why the mustache? He looks like a pig man. It's fucking horrible. He does look like a pig.

He's even got pig ears. He looks like the biology teacher no one respects. Holy shit. He's the the biology teacher no one respects. Holy shit! He's the only biology teacher teaching creationism. And he lives in Brazil, Indiana, where I have family. And that's the reason why I was like, oh my god! I was just talking to my mom

about it a couple days ago. Apparently in Brazil they have a health food store there and it's a very small town. The vast majority of the town believes that the people who run the health food store there. It's a very small town. The vast majority of the town believes that the people who run the health food store are witches. Really? But they all keep shopping there.

No. You gotta burn them. But to be fair to those townspeople, they do dress and smell like witches. If you go to a health food store, a lot of the stuff is for witches. Seriously, there's some Wicca shit. There's burning stuff. a lot of the stuff is for witches. Yeah, I mean, seriously. There's some Wicca shit. There's burning stuff.

There's energy shit. Post love witches. Me too. Jackie, you were into Wiccan for a little while, weren't you? No. What was the phase? You went through a weird spiritual thing. No, my mother was a religion major, so we learned about the spirit of the earth and women, the force that they create from the earth, which is

what Wiccan is based on. The milk that runs like streams. My mom whites light shit. She white lights things. What's that? She puts a bunch for breast milk in a flashlight. It shakes it up and it makes light.

It's really weird. It's really super weird. I like it. I like the way electricity works. That's what I want, man. When you bury me, man, bury me in a casket filled with fucking tit milk, dude. I would like it.

A lot of starving kids. I want like 80 mothers just squirting their shit into my casket. Leave my mouth open, brother. That is so fucking foul. That's great. When I was in Kuwait just now, they have

different religious ceremonies at the military bases and they have Wiccan services. If you want to go, the military will provide you with the Wiccan services. How many people showed up at the Wiccan services? I was trying to go because I figured that provide you with the Wiccan services. How many people showed up at the Wiccan services? Well, I was trying to go because I figured that's the best way to hook up with some nice goth chicks while I'm in Kuwait. But I could not

work out time-wise. Do you have a hard time when you go and do comedy over to Kuwait with the U.S. military in that the chicks aren't all morbidly obese? They're sort of in shape? Does that make it more difficult to have sex with them? Well, if you know my history, that is never a problem.

I'd say there's some pretty hot girls over there in the military. The hottest chicks are probably the black chicks over there. Hottest chicks. Oh yeah, definitely. Have you ever banged one? Military girl? Yeah. No. Can you? Could they have sex? I can't. Physically, I can't do that.

You can't. You've seen like balls. To fill a military chick's womb up. I can fill it up. Usually you don't put your balls inside of them, though. I don't know how you do it. You can do that. The booyah. Yeah, the booyah.

How is it that every time you come on the show, we mention the booyah? He always brings it up. It's one of those weird things. Wait, don't they call that dogs in a bathtub? Because it's really hard to get two dogs in a bathtub. I think they do now.

I definitely think they do now. Dogs in a bathtub. Oh, that's good. That's fun with the dogs in the balls. That's really funny. Oh, man, thanks's good. That's fun with the dogs. That's funny. That's really funny. Oh, man, thanks, Mike. That was pretty great. Yeah, I've never managed to get the balls in the chick.

Has anyone done that here? Jackie, have you ever had balls inside of you? No, I haven't. Interesting. Louie, you ever slip them in? No. No? Holden?

I've gotten balls in a lot of creepy, weird things, man, but never a chick's fucking poo peephole. What are the weirdest things you got your balls into? I put them in, like, buckets on the beach and, like, toss my balls. If I see a little drain or something, I'm walking. Late at night, I'll stuff my balls in the drain, see if I can get some bird nibbles.

I like to get, like, a good little beacon or two late at night. Late at night. If you see a little hole in a tree, man, throw them balls in. That's the most important time. If you can get a chipmunk nibble or something like that, that's good luck for 20 years. Has anything ever nibbled too hard? I mean, not to bust my fucking whole shit open or anything like that. Yeah, how hard is too hard?

I don't know. How hard is too hard? I have no idea. That's a good question. You know, I mean, you know, I like it bloody. I like it muddy. You know? God damn. Well, my balls dropped before my brothers and my cousins did, my younger cousin, and they

liked to, um, I would get out of the shower and they thought it was funny for me to clap them against my thigh. Dude, I did that yesterday. It was so much fun. I thought that was a metaphor. I didn't think the balls actually dropped. Yeah. They really didn't. Mine didn't.

What do you mean? What did they drop? They're just up high, up tight, like when you are a rat. But then they drop down. They're like that all the time when you're a rat but then they drop down. They're like that all the time when you're a kid, right? Yeah. They're all like real tight. And it's sexy. Alright.

Do we have any stories that don't relate to balls? Kevin, do you have big balls? No, man. Do we talk about... No, I don't know. Do you have big balls? No, they ain't big, man. They're tiny. Tiny balls. We probably have the two biggest dicks in the room but the tiniest balls. Yeah, man. It's good for about? Wait, did we talk about... No, I don't know. Do you have a big bowl? No, they ain't big, man. They're tiny. Tiny bowls.

We probably have the two biggest dicks in the room, but the tiniest bowls. Yeah, man. It's good for backflips, though. I've got a pretty big down there. My dick's bigger than yours. Kevin's dick? It's about the size of mine. Huge.

How big is yours? It's fine. Fights us. You already said exactly how big your dick is. No, but I can't. Early in this episode. See, it's this thick, but no one can see the circle that I make between my fucking pointer and my thumb. I mean, it's the size of a beer can.

No, it's not. It really is. Jackie, you wouldn't know. Because you're not lucky. Yeah, dogs don't like chubbies. A beer can? It's not a chubby. It's like a chubby sausage.

Oh, well, don't fucking criticize my weight. But also, Ben thinks Red Bull is a beer. I don't know, man. You gotta stick to... Yeah, but that's still pretty good. Oh, I, don't fucking criticize my weight. But also, Ben thinks Red Bull is a beer. I don't know, man. You gotta... Because they're skinnier than... Yeah, but that's still pretty good. Oh, I get it now. You're gonna be...

Can we shoot Mike? Why am I the only one getting shot over here with weight jokes and shit? You're making Red Bull jokes. All right. All right. And now it's time for a segment from... Oh, shit. Segment today is called Who's Got the Beef?

Maybe the sound of a door slamming shut or something like that. Who's Got It? This segment is about your beef. Whatever you might have a beef with, we're going to go around the table. Everyone's got 45 seconds to dish their fucking shitty beef. And at the end of it, Marcus is going to point score

and judge who's got the biggest, fattest, fucking nastiest beef. All right, who wants to start? Who wants to go first? I can't. I haven't thought of anything yet. Louie, you have something written down. Yeah, you have something. Good, good.

All right, and go. I'm a guest. Go. Come on. I don't want to go first. All right, okay. I'll go first. I'll go first.

All right. My beef is against horses. They think they can look like me. They don't know what the fuck they want to do. I'll fucking ride them until they die. You dumbasses. I think my biggest beef against horses has to do with how they think they can shit all over the place.

And then I step in the shit and fucking smear it on my face and pretend to be a gremlin on a Thursday night and then I fucking get arrested and that's the fucking horse that's doing that to me. I'm sick of these fucking horses who think they can rule our fucking country and fucking take over the South.

Is it time? No. I got ten more seconds. Nine seconds. Fuck you horses and fuck your fucking big noses Okay great Done So you guys are going to do better than that right

No I don't think so Well let's take it down to 30 Good job You set the precedent I'm off today, man. No, you're doing great. Alright, so who's next? Ben? Sure. I have a beef with...

Go. Ben's beef is with the internet, overall YouTube culture, everybody filming everything, open mic comedians being dissed online. That one gal, who was on the Huffington Post comedy page, I found it was very, very upsetting that she had a bad open mic set. People were telling her to

die. It got put online. Hundreds and thousands of people saw it. I think that open mics are safe zones and you should not allow cameras there. So my beef is with people filming every fucking thing in society when in reality you should only be filmed when you request that you have a performance that is worthy of being

taped. Time. Wow. That was awesome. filmed when you request that you have a performance that is worthy of being taped. Time. That was awesome. Thank you. More of a social point than a joke. Thank you. We have sincerity and we have nonsense. Can anyone do funny?

No, no. Not allowed. Why don't you try, Louis? Big talk. Yeah, big talk, man. Not allowed. Why don't you try, Louis? Big talk. Big talk. Yeah, big talk, man. Come on. This better be sincere. I don't know.

Go. I got beef with girls who don't want to fuck me. Some of them don't want to fuck me and it makes me mad. And I wish that they would want to fuck me. It's like it's a really fun thing to do. Right? I'm a nice guy. Beautiful.

I shower. I love fucking you. Dudes want to fuck me, but I need some girls that want to fuck me. And I got a lot of beef with that. That's good. That's good enough. It's fine. You suck.

Fuck Louie Katz. Three, two, one. And good beef And Good beef That's Louie's beef There's the beef Kevin, no wait, Eddie What's your beef? Alright

Okay, go Kevin, I want you to bear with me here This isn't going to be good Alright, I'm going to scoot my chair back My beef is with the Union Army. Okay? Oh, the Civil War? The Civil War.

The Civil War. You know, they stepped into a situation. I mean, it would have only been like... You know, slavery, it wasn't really why they fought us. You know, they fought... Slavery would have been over in like two, three hundred more years anyway. Sure. You know, we're going... Hail the Confederacy and fuck the Union three hundred more years anyway. Sure. We're going, you know,

hail the Confederacy and fuck the Union Army. Yeah, okay. Because you know what? I had a beef with them too because if they weren't such pussies the war would be over, it would have been over in like six months. Yeah. They had all the manpower and all their generals just sucked and they could have fucking crushed a bunch of

retarded Southerners. Yeah, they should have. They didn't even have uniforms. The Union Army? No, no, the Southerners. The Sners. They didn't even have uniforms. The Union Army? No, the Southerners. The Southerners didn't even have uniforms. For the first couple years. Believe it or not, people in the South were poor. Ed and I are going to start our own podcast.

It's going to have so, so many white listeners. Jackie, what is your beef? And go! I got beef with people who love birds. I fucking hate birds. I couldn't give a shit about birds.

I want to eat birds. I want to look at birds and maybe kick them sometimes. But I never want to feed and love and nurture a bird. There are so many people that think that birds are pets. Set them free. They want to be free. They don't want to be in a cage. They can't fly anywhere.

They clip their wings. Fuck that bullshit. You know what don't want to be in a cage. They can't fly anywhere. They clip their wings. Fuck that bullshit. You know what? You want to fucking feed a baby bird into your mouth? Go be a fucking bird somewhere. You're not a fucking human. And then I hate people that keep birds. And they talk about their birds like they're fucking pigs.

Okay, okay, done. We got it. All right, birds. Jackie does not like birds or people that take care of her. Jackie does not like bird people. I don't understand it, man. I don't agree with it either. I don't like it.

Kevin, what do you got, buddy? I mean, you know, well, I say I got a beef against the people that shrunk Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts in the ad for the new TV show. Are you serious? Fuck that shit, yeah. Yeah, they did it in the ad.

I hate that. I hate that, motherfuckers. I also got beef with the people that gave Jennifer Love Hewitt a TV show because she was supposed to keep falling off so that eventually I could marry her that's the dream. It's not this bullshit that I'm doing now so fuck all that that's going on and fuck them Assholes who shrunk her titties Cuban or Asian listen that doesn't matter

Yeah, all right is her ad for the client list they shrunk her tits they fucking took an eraser to him It was her ad for the client list. They shrunk her tits. They fucking took an eraser to them. Just for the ad? So they're not making her actually get a reduction or anything? No, not in real life. In the ad, which is even sadder.

Why are they even doing that? They thought she looked too good. Yeah, because she looked too fucking hot and sexy. And people in the Midwest were just jacking off in public. That's what you guys do anyway. Yeah, exactly. She's so fucking hot. Mike, are you just piggybacking on Eddie's thing?

No. Do you have an actual beef? He's got beef. All right. I think I have a beef with a Puerto Rican kid saying the N-word, because it's not... You have a black puppet that you beat up just because it's black in your house? I don't beat it up. It just doesn't look better than a white saying the N-word. It's all jealousy, isn't it?

Yeah, but why do they get to say it? They didn't have it as hard as black people, and they don't have a culture that people like, and the only thing holding them back is their lack of creativity and love for flags. So that privilege is revoked for me. Okay. It's a reasonable beef after all.

It's a fairly... All right, Marcus, what do you got there, Numbers Man? Do you have a beef that you wanted to express? Oh, no, I love everyone. Don't give me a zero, Marcus. Please, just give me a point just because I came up with this segment, man. He did come up with this segment. Okay, well, I mean...

Yeah, but it was a hate-filled segment that was very sad. Who's got that beef? I like the games more. Yeah, the games are better, but he's lazy. He's stoned. He played Portal 2 all day. I want to get high so much. Can we finish this?

Holden, okay, you get a five. Thank you, man. You had a zero, but... Yeah, horses! You get a 5. Thank you, man. That's a nice score. You had a 0, but... Yeah, horses! You're a pitiful man. Kevin. You get a 97. Nice.

I think that should be a high score. That should be a high score. Much better than Holden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Louie. Jennifer Love Hewitt. You get 74. Okay.

That's pretty good. I feel like I deserve that. It's a good score, though. You get 74. Okay. That's pretty good. I feel like I deserve that. It's a good score, though. Jackie? Yeah. 89. 89. Thank you.

I appreciate that. All right, so now it is between Benjamin and Edwin. And Mike. Oh, Mike, that's right. Oh, yeah, you... Go ahead, make up the score. Yeah, you get a 74. That's a good score. That's a good score.

That's a good score. That's a good racist score. The best I can do. Alright, between Eddie... 69. Yeah! Let's just get to the finish line here, guys. Drop Holden back down.

I got a beef with Holden. Yeah. Good. He's got a zero. All right. Ben is the winner. No! Yay!

Congratulations, Ben. Sincerity wins the night. Thank you so much, guys. For the first completely and truly sincere moment on Roundtable ever. Wow. All right. For Jenkins, Browski, Ed, Larson, Oldman, Neely, Kevin Barnett. Don't you feel so happy? You should be more

elated. You're always so sad because you always lose. I'm just used to being sad. I don't know how to be happy. So I just had to wrap up the show really quick. I'm Ben Gissel. Thanks for being here, Louie. Thanks for having me. You're a beautiful person. What about Racine's balls? I was going to mention them next. Thanks for

flashing your balls, buddy. You got a great sack. Thanks. Thank you. Okay. All right. We'll talk to you soon. Fuck it. It's just so hate-filled. I don't think it was that hate-filled.

The beef? The beef? That's the thing. It's beef is from anger. Yeah. I know, but I wanted to talk. Like, mine was more like a, I hate women. Yeah.

That's what you wanted to say. Just keep on recording. I mean, we're still rolling. So, Jackie, did you want to review your beef? I liked that first one. I was women. Yeah. That's what you wanted to say. Just keep on recording. I mean, we're still rolling. So, Jackie, did you want to redo your beef? I liked that first one. I was real. See, like, I was trying to be more, I was trying to be a nicer version. Okay, just go.

Yeah, just let's do this. Yeah, why do you hate women? So, I hate women. I'm fine with being one, but I hate most women. Most women are pussies. They cry about everything, which I do, too. I hate myself. I hate most of me.

I wish I were a man. I wish that women could be stronger, but they can't. And they never will be. And that's something that they just need to fucking deal with. Jackie came in at the end. Did she take it? Jackie wins. God damn it.

I never fucking win this shit. I just won this shit. I tried my ass off! I was sincere! Good job, Jackie. Way to go, man. Jackie! And she did it in 20 seconds, no less.

Thank you. Goodbye, everybody. That was a beautiful episode, beautifully with the prayer at the beginning and the ending.