The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 95: Moo-Moo Goes The Choo-Choo

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Today on a particularly disgusting Round Table: a trio in Brazil kills women and feeds the meat to neighbors, the gang shares some audition horror stories, and the Lightning Round returns with our lists of worsts.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Yeah, yeah. Always civility. Hey, who's got the spunky? I got... I got that spunky in the name of the father

and the son and the holy spirit amen let me sleep dear god please wake up thank you I wanted to say thank you for the rain because it makes the world sad and once the world becomes sad

I and the rest of the round table become extremely happy and delighted because it makes the world sad. And once the world becomes sad, I and the rest of the round table become extremely happy and delighted in their sadness. How do you guys feel today? You guys happy? Yeah! I'm fine. I literally woke up at 2 o'clock this afternoon

and was just, oh, what a beautiful rainy Sunday. Yeah. It's terrible outside. No, it's great. See what I'm talking about, God? We appreciate it. Keep the rain coming and let's drown some animals.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit you're a ghost. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Great prayer, Edward. Thank you. Who's sitting next to you? Jackie Sproleski. Donkey girl. Ed Larson.

Holder McNally Loving the cock I like that Kevin Barnett Think about things Oh smooth Kevin Barnett Kevin's got a leather jacket

Looks like he's about to go Solve some crimes That's happened in my life man I would let you solve Any crime that I had If I could find myself In trouble Hello It's gonna be a great episode I want you to solve any crime that I had. If I could find myself some trouble.

Hello. It's going to be a great episode. I want you to solve the case of the missing pussy. You found my pussy? You found my pussy, boy? Alright, I am Benjamin Kissel. It's a small but mighty chuckle hut. Here we got Henry Zabrowski.

Mumu goes to choo-choo. Mumu does go to choo-choo. If the choo-choo's a train, I mean a cow. Mumu goes to choo-choo. This is top flight Henry here. I'm going to do well today. It's great. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks.

Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? A Brazilian man, his wife, and his mistress have been arrested for suspected cannibalism. Police say the trio killed at least two women, ate part of their bodies, and made the rest into meat pies, which they sold in their small town in northeast Brazil. That's great. It's like Sweeney Todd. Yeah. In fact, they have a picture of Sweeney Todd

on the newspaper. Could they sing? The editor of a newspaper. His name, Jorge Beltreo Negroponte, 51, admitted in a television interview yesterday that he listened to the voice in his head ordering him to eat the parts of the women to, quote, purify them,

but he didn't say anything about the meat pies. Quote, I did certain things for purification to protect people and deliver them to God. See, what I don't understand is the voice in my head just tells me to beat off all the time. I never get these

weird feeling, like these weird voices. It's always just like, beat it. Well, that's why you'll never own a restaurant. Yeah, but that's a whole different kind of crime, I think. Well, they must have fucked those ladies before they ate them. Sure. Right? They had to. What do you think? It was rape? You think it was consensual? Nah, they're already dead. But that's why they

ate them to purify them because they dirtied them with the sex before they ate them. That's pretty awesome. They cut off their vaginas. They lured the victims to their home by advertising for a nanny. Ooh. Oh, that's awesome.

It sounds like a scary movie. It does. Everyone wants to kill a nanny. Oh, don't eat me. They're so nice. Oh, this really is a horror film. I don't eat you, nanny. This really is a horror film. Police showed up at you, nanny. This really is a horror film.

Police showed up at the home and one of the trio used a missing credit card belonging to a missing woman. When cops arrived, a five-year-old girl in the house led them to the human remains. They believe the girl is the daughter of a third missing woman and that the trio may have murdered as many as ten women. Is there a Yelp review?

One star tasted like people. Well, Negroponte's wife was known in town for her meat pies, which she sold to schools, hospitals, and neighbors. Fuck yes. Still better than the pink slime, though. Everyone's eating people. Doesn't eating people make you crazy?

Yeah. The whole town's crazy. Eating people makes me lazy. Mumu goes to juju what's this eating people makes you go crazy like what kind of crazy like no you get you get the hunger oh yeah you get the hunger for more flesh do you mean the hunger? You get the hunger for more flesh. Yeah, you get the hunger and then you get the stare. Yeah. When you get the stare, you're already gone.

Oh, yeah. It's a good business move. Repeat customers. You can only get the human meat pies right there. And it's all profit, man. Think about it. They're not buying that meat. Yeah, people are free. Is it kinder to kill and then eat the body as opposed to just kill and bury the body? It's not wasteful.

I think it's great. I think at least they're using every part of the body. Like Native Americans. Exactly. And then they use their fingernails for beads. Do you think they ground up the skin and ate that too or just the meat? Do you encase it in the skin?

Oh, you can make lampshades out of the skin. Oh, yeah. I think it's hard to eat human skin. Yeah. I guess you could do a lot, though, with a human being. You could make a lampshades out of skin. Oh, yeah. I think it's hard to eat human skin. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I guess you could do a lot, though, with a human being. You could make a lampshade. You could make a throw cover.

Yeah. You could make food out of it. Didn't they make soap in the concentration camp? You could make soap out of it? Hitler did that. Yeah, you make soap out of the fat. Probably doesn't smell very good. What can you do with a human eye?

Chew on it. Yeah, chew on it. You can make a fun keychain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. You can make a fun keychain. Throw it at a girl. Ew, ew, I don't like it, ew. That is the best thing to throw at a girl. You're so gross. Check it out.

I like him, though. I kind of like him. Dangerous, bad boy. You can attach him to your chest, have eye nipples. Awesome. My titties can see into the future you want to say it's like my eyes are up no they are on my tits here is uh a picture of the trio right here why doesn't the guy have a shirt on he doesn't have any clothes on he's wearing he has huge nuts micro size nuts you got a pretty good body this dude

man not bad i guess that's what happens when you eat people. Wait, which one is the wife? Is it that horrid clown woman? Yeah, it's kind of the old one's the wife and the other one's the slave, it looks like. Yeah, there was the first man. And she's actually ashamed, it looks like. Is that a leopard print dress? Moo-moo.

Moo-moo does the choo-choo. That's what I keep saying and I say it again. I like moo-moo does the choo-choo. Don't listen to my words, listen to my tone. I like it. It would be great to work at this restaurant, though, to be like, what do you call those people who come in after a restaurant closes and have to clean up? Night Porter.

Night Porter. They would really see some shocking images, right? Well, it wasn't even a restaurant. This woman just went door to door. No! She delivered these things. It wasn't a restaurant at all. She was just like,

Hello, I'm Brazilian. I have me pies. If any human just showed up with a box of pies to sell at my door in Queens, I would never do that. Oh my God. You would be so stoned.

Exactly. You would definitely do that. I remember our buddy, Kev, just got this settlement back in college for an accident he was in. And as soon as he got the money, ten minutes later, some guy drove up to the house. We're like, sell it steaks.

Sell it lots of steaks. We're like, Kemp, buy the steaks. Buy the steaks. They're made of people. I had a guy approach my house in college through the back door. He's like, I got these pork chops. You want to buy these pork chops? It's an honest hustle.

He pulled them out of his pants. Oh, right. He had just come from the supermarket. And he had taken quite a few pork chops. Did you buy them? No. No, you didn't buy them. I would love to just meet a salesman

who had a bunch of things that looked like human hands in a basket. He's like, selling hands, selling hands. And no one buys them. And afterwards, he's like, selling hands, selling hands, and no one buys them. And afterwards, he's like, no one will buy my candy hands. No one's buying these bananas that I painted fleshy.

The candy hand business is really struggling, huh? Yeah. It's too bad. Because of all the moo-moo and the choo-choo. Yeah, they look like hands. I bet you could sell them to the Addams Family. Do you remember? Do you remember that?

Boo! Boo! Boo! Where's my gun? Give me some gunshots, please. Where's my gun? Jackie made a great... Jackie got extremely stoned before the performance today, thinking that it was going to help her,

and it led to an Addams Family joke. Well, I really hung over, and I was sad and not feeling funny. You know what makes everyone feel funny? Smoking weed. The dupes. Man, I am not funny right now. Are you not feeling funny? Give me a joke. I guess we can address it.

Can we talk about this weekend? What all you crazy animals did? Holy shit, man. Jesus Christ. We ate mushrooms and we did a show. We did an hour long set tripping balls. It was fucking great. Is your brain still out in the clouds or is it coming back to reality i've just been drinking ever yeah that's the thing like yesterday i was a

fucking wasteland until i finally just started drinking i was like fuck it dude as soon as i was done tripping man i was uh so drunk i couldn't walk yeah so we drank so many beers we went through like three 12 packs and a couple of six-packs just sitting around being fucking in shroom town. Just dripping balls. I really have very little serotonin left. I'm very sad on the inside. Running low.

I feel fine. Yeah, Marcus, you did good? Yeah, I worked all day dripping balls. Did anybody fall down a wormhole of hell? No. I got sick of talking to stand-up comedians, but that was about it. Oh, that'll happen.

Without the mushrooms. Talking to stand-ups on mushrooms. Is it weird to see through their shallow souls? It was just kind of like, hey, why don't you stop being mean? And we'll talk about puppies for a little bit. Apparently I was mean on Friday night. You were very aggressive.

I was not aggressive. I had 30 beers. I was hanging out. You're not aggressive on 30 beers. I'm sorry, we're wrong. Henry Zabrowski and Ed Larson telling you that you're being insensitive doesn't make sense in reality. I didn't say anything. You're the one who brought it up.

But what was so bad that he said? I don't remember. I think it was fine. Yeah, I thought it was fine. He was being the same as he always is. We were just tripping, and so we saw the evil more. It's terrible. That's all.

Just like everyone's... Your face is just a mask on top of a lizard of everyone that you meet. You just never know when the beast is going to come crawling through the dark of someone's eyes. This is why this man has a nemesis. Did you know about this? Yeah. Kissel has a nemesis. A Facebook nemesis.

Nemesis Brunk. He calls himself nemesis, dude. Too bad. I'm not thrilled about it. We're doing really well. I did a show on Friday, Sidewalk Cafe, and a dude had a white wine spritzer. He was drinking it in honor of the round table because some fucking episode way back, we talked about white wine spritzers.

When did we ever talk about white wine spritzers? I went on a white wine spritzer spree. Remember that one song? Yeah. That was disgusting. They were great. Anyway. It was really disgusting.

It was diet Sprite and an entire bottle of white wine. And then you called it a spritzer. It is a sprit wine. And then you called it a spritzer. It is a spritzer! That's the definition of a spritzer! That's the definition of it! I feel like there's other things in a spritzer. I feel like there's more ingredients. There's usually more women holding one.

You put a can of diet Sprite in a warm bottle of white wine. And then you wonder why you have a nemesis. Whatever. So why is he your nemesis? What did he say? Nothing. It doesn't even matter. I don't want to talk to you. It was because that Ben, his baby in a dumpster joke, the Snooki joke.

Ben, tell it right quick. I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's a great joke. Yeah, what's the difference between... Snooki's... What's the difference between Snooki and pregnant Snooki and a dumpster? difference between Snooki, pregnant Snooki, and a dumpster in Atlanta? You gotta go into it so we can believe

like it's natural. I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna miss it. Now, for your enjoyment! That's not natural! That's the least natural thing! It's all... Joke time!

Hey, Joker, tell us a joke! Well, guys, this is a funny thing. It's funny that you bring it up. I, uh... God damn it. You know,

Snooki's pregnant. What is the difference between a pregnant Snooki and a dumpster in Atlanta? What is it? Wouldn't you believe it? There's a in the dumpster in Atlanta there's a baby. The baby's alive in the dumpster. There's an alive

baby in the dumpster. There's an alive baby in the dumpster. And that joke got me a nemesis. Because Brunk pointed out Was he offended? No, he wasn't, he was offended by Ben's grammar. Yeah, it was a grammar situation. What's the proper grammar? The baby in the dumpster is alive.

That's the proper grammar. I don't like it. The baby in the dumpster, which I think is still better. I think it's better. Yeah, I think that's better too, man. Thank you. But you're a comedian and someone's an English major. Exactly.

And Marcus agreed with the English major. I'm an English major. You fuck And Marcus agreed with the English major. I'm an English major. You fucker. Get rid of this subject. Get it out of here. God damn it all. All right. Well, Acura apologized this week over a casting document for its Super Bowl commercial that

requested a black actor who is, quote, nice looking, friendly, not too dark. I mean, that's reasonable. That's reasonable. No, I think that is reasonable. Just like when they talk about women, it's like fat, but not too fat. More chunky than anything. I got someone that said that. It was more for the balance for the camera, for the focusing.

Well, he was with Jerry Seinfeld, a very white man. Jerry Seinfeld, very white. We want a black man who's Seinfeld, very white. We want a black man who's not afraid of being painted white. I mean, yeah, as a gal, Jackie, what are some of the descriptions that they give female characters? Because I think chicks have it pretty rough. Oh, yeah, it's usually

chunky is their favorite, which I think is pretty great. Which I think is worse than... But you can also call heels chunky Yeah, you know, and chunky heels Everyone loves a chunky wedge So I guess it's kind of the same thing That and Robust Robust is nice

There's a lot of robust characters Chunky wedge, that's a nice thing to call a leg Yeah, it's a nice thing for a vagina They straight up just say, think Melissa McCarthy Oh, hilarious It's said on pretty much every From Bridesmaids Every time I get sent out, always in the description Think Melissa McCarthy. Oh, hilarious. It's said on pretty much every other thing that I've gotten. Every time I get sent out,

always in the description, Gremlin-like. That's just good casting. You just have a really smart agent. I don't quite understand why it always has to be for sweat, grease. Kevin, we're looking for a pearhead fuckface. Hey, hi. I can't wait to be there.

What a beautiful rainy Sunday. I am Alder McNeely. I'll be on this thing for the part of Grubon. He's got the part. He's got the part. Excuse me, can we get some more fuckface in there? He looks a little too much like a rapist, though. I think we need to go with the other guy.

Yeah. The other guy. Yeah. The other guy is just a bowl of salad. That bowl of salad is in a fucking different tax bracket than me. It's embarrassing. Kevin, have you ever been offended by a character description, a breakdown that you got sent out for? Yeah, man. Plenty of times. No, there's some of them that you go out for that you just straight feel dirty.

Like, it was just racist. The casting was racist. So, you're like a hip-hop basketball playing roller skating guy, right? Roller skating! I don't even know. I don't even know. I feel like I can't say some of it. You have to be confidential.

Some of the ones that were really offensive, I can't even say. But it was you know you have to be confidential so some of the ones that were like really offensive I can't even say but it was like bad. It was just straight up like Do they say smooth? No, no, no, no. I'm trying to think of how I could put it

without revealing what it is. I like what you did there but could you black it up a bit for us? Well no, literally like sometimes you go out to black it up a little bit. Have you ever been told

to black it up a little bit? Too black. Tone it down. Well I've heard Can you get more white for us? Could you give me a little more Sidney Poitier? That's white.

Well, I've heard the opposite. Like, I'd go out with someone and do well. I'd be like, no, they were looking for someone blacker. Like, in personality. That's right.

I am a full black person. Yeah. You literally cannot get blacker than me. I'm just black. Well, that's fun. I never go out on auditions. Yeah, I never get asked

to be more white. Because then I'd be in charge of the whole thing. I'm just black. Well, that's fun. I never go on auditions. Yeah, I never get asked to be more white because then I'd be in charge of the whole thing. I'd be the producer. You'd be

casting yourself. And then not casting yourself because he wasn't white enough? Actually, just not white enough. Yeah, I'm sorry.

There was one time when I was on something, it was like, I can't really say exactly what it is but it was like it was just short

of the character just being called nigga and he was and all he did was dance and take food take food from people taking food from people

literally I felt dirty did you dance in the audition yeah I had to what kind of dance did you do dude I ain't trying Did you dance in the audition? Yeah, I had to, man. What kind of dance did you do? Dude, I ain't trying to relive that right now.

I got called in. I thought I was going to be the nerd character before I realized that six foot seven huge people don't get cast as nerds. And so I was with all these super buff dudes. And all six of us would go into the room. We'd stand there, line up style, like I'm about to get shot by a whole series of people. They asked me to remove my shirt. these super buff dudes and we go all 65 we go into the room we sign stay in their lineup style like i'm about to get shot by a whole series of people they asked me to remove my shirt and i had no idea that this was like part of the audition and i was like okay i'll remove it and you know

all my loose skin and disgusting it looks like you know it's falling off my body it's weird and they all just clapped and they said congratulations on losing all that weight and that was it yeah they literally did And I was just like cracking jokes. And they were like, no, congratulations. You look good. Like, you look good. And all the really buff guys were like, I can tighten that up.

They were all just like giving me advice. I know what you can do to tighten that right up. It was awful. I cried. I literally cried on the subway. It was so bad. The only time I ever refused to do an audition was for, there was a commercial that was just,

it was, literally the description was a fat idiot in tutu does dance and then gets sprayed by hoes. Oh, this was the... Yeah, and, uh... Yeah, my friend Dan St. Germain got it. St. Germain loved it. He was like, oh, that sounds good to me.

And it was on the Super Bowl. I showed up, I saw it, and I was like, I'm not going to do it. And then he got sprayed with a hose seven times and it hurt his knee. Yeah, it really hurt him very badly. He got like 300 bucks. Oh, that's it? Yeah.

What? A commercial ran on the Super Bowl? Oh, no. Because you have to think like how many times did that commercial air? Just once, right? Just once. Yeah, it was a special ad. So you don't get that much money.

Yeah, because it was for America's Got Talent, right? Yeah, something like that. Oh, my goodness. America's Got Fucking Fort Juice. That's what the whole fucking show is called. This country's dying. We're not doing well. Not really.

America doesn't have talent. America's a bunch of fuckfaces. I mean, we're doing fine in this room. Yeah, we're doing fine. Yeah, we're doing okay. We're doing better than we did last year. I mean, I got this jacket. You look great.

The jacket's great, man. Smooth. That's a great jacket. The jacket's taking up the whole room, man. You're looking good. You have a saxophone in the room. My God. Yeah.

Two block, two block. And your hair looks very nice. Oh, thank you, man. Your hair looks very proper. Did you just get a haircut? Like a week ago. Yeah, it looks good. It's growing in nicely.

You look very good. I'm trying to live better, man. Good for you, Kevin. For the bitches. You gotta get them. You gotta get them. Get the bitches. These mushrooms have really lingered, I think.

I have been weird for days. Yeah, I felt really weird yesterday, definitely. I felt completely normal. That felt really weird yesterday, definitely. I felt completely normal. I had a horrible nightmare last night that Ed was ripped to shreds by a woman, a full naked breasted woman with crawdad body. She's got like her lower half is a crawdad body. That is your hell, Ed.

And just fucking ripped Ed to shreds. I literally, she, I was up against the door and we heard like a knock, knock, knock at the door. And I was like, I went to go get it and I'm knocked back. Candy grab, poor shop. Yeah, candy grab. And I turned around and I was like, the door and we heard a knock, knock, knock at the door. I went to go get it and I'm knocked backwards. Candygramp. I was like, Ed, no! It was just ripping into shreds. He's like, ah!

Super weird. I had an awesome dream last night where a cop just gave me a gun. He's like, hey, you want to be a cop for a little while? I'm like, fuck yeah, man! He's like, you know how to shoot a.40 caliber? I'm like, yeah, of course I do. He's like, alright, let's go get some bad guys., you know how to shoot a.40 caliber? I'm like, yeah, of course I do. He's like, all right, let's go get some bad guys.

Do you know how to shoot it into a crowd of people? And we went and we caught bad guys together. It was awesome. Did you stop and frisk anybody? No. It was very specific. Like, that guy has a gun. We have to have a shootout with him.

More like frisking of each other, sort of. Oh, got hot? Yeah, exactly. His belly was very heavy. The old grab and stroke. The old yank. I love it. 69 and a cop.

It's a fun game. It's a bucket list item right there. It's a bucket list item. Speaking of New York City and illegalities, New York prostitutes think they and their clients will be safer if their state becomes the first to stop using condoms as evidence in prostitution arrests. Since condoms are considered probable cause and can be used against them, many prostitutes simply don't carry protection while working. You know it's on the john.

It's on the john. You gotta bring your own condom. Is it? That's what I say. Is that the rule? It is now. Apparently prostitutes don't carry them anymore. Seems disgusting.

Would you ever fucking raw dog a prostitute? I mean, it would take a lot for me to even fuck a prostitute. I'd have to be incredibly desperate to bang a prostitute. They're very unattractive. New York prostitutes are pretty bad. Until you get those high-end hooker types. Working down on Wall Street, there are definitely some

situations that are made in the finance. Made with money. They give blowjobs for money. The prostitutes do. Prostitutes give blowjobs. Is that their job? Some of them, yeah. Some of them specialize in the blowjob for money. But do prostitutes use condoms

when they give blowjobs then? No. No, most of the time they do. Oh, I don't think so. No, most of the time they do. I know much more about this. I know much more about this. I know a lot about this. Well, then share. Because why would you want a blowjob with a fucking condom on?

Because you don't want an STD in your mouth. And you can get AIDS through a blowjob. But at the same time, it's also more disgusting for a woman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the mucus membranes. It shoves their tongue in your urethra. You know when you get a blowjob and the girl takes her tongue and she tries to stick it as far as she can?

She has that tiny little thin lizard tongue. Yeah, and she just slips it in and out through the hole of your penis. It's like, that's when you can get AIDS. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, man, the lizards I have bedded. Man, I love that tongue in your urethra. Really? Remember that snake woman? No, absolutely not.

What was her name? Her name was... The worst feeling in the world. No, it's disgusting. It's horrible. It's an abomination. You know when a woman spreads apart the tip of your penis to make your ear really big? Just shoving it. Any of y'all ever had a Q-tip up your dick hole?

No. Yeah, that's what they do whenever they test for chlamydia and gonorrhea I had the little thing it wasn't a q-tip it was like this other thing and it was just like a little like it is the most painful thing you will ever feel I do it's one of my favorite forms of torture the little glass thing you put in your dick and then you break it

that's a good way to torment that's what Albert Fish invented he used to shove rose stems up his dick hole it, that's a good way to fucking torment. That's what Albert Fish invented. Oh, he did? Yeah, because he used to shove rose stems up his dick hole. Oh, wow, that's brutal. Yeah, he loved that stuff. Nails in the ass and shit, right? He was really committed, though. It was to punish himself for eating all those

girls, those poor, poor girls. No, doing bad on a podcast. Who killed the girl? Every single time he did bad on a podcast, he would just shove something up his penis hole. So think about that. Maybe we'll all get better at doing podcasts. That's true.

When you have a kidney stone, sometimes you gotta use a dipstick to go get it. It's that little claw that they put inside. It's like tubes that they put inside your dick. And then they pull the lever, and this little claw comes out the tip. No! I swear to God. And it tries to grab

the kidney stone. The fucking microchip in Total Recall. When all he slaps is his nose. Oh, no! Can't you just keep it in there? You gotta piss it out at some point. I had a, whatchamacallit, a kidney stone, but I was lucky enough to piss it out.

And how did that feel coming out of there? It hurt. A kidney stone is one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my life. You had one too? Yeah, I had one. Well, how do you get them? It's calcium buildup. Mine was vitamin C buildup. So mine was easier to break down. Yeah. Oh my.

How big was it? Did you see when you pissed it? No, I didn't even know. I had no idea. I was in the bathroom and I was screaming for a while and then I cut out and they're like, oh, must be gone. Wow. Luckily, mine was fine. Mine was really small and easy. It only lasted a couple, like one day. Sometimes it'll take like three or four

days. And how about you, Henry? Mine was just one day. It looked like a Flintstone vitamin. You saw it? No. I was just a thing. I just figured I hid the vitamin up there when I was a child. Yeah. Dino, I love Dino! What's wrong?

You had something in your beard and I wanted to get it out. You were just pulling on my beard. That was really strange. That was really strange. Really sweet. I remember one time as a kid, I wanted to be a good kid because I never ate my vitamins. So one day I'm like, oh, fuck it, I'll just eat all the vitamins for the rest of the week right now. Great idea.

I love the idea. I ate like ten vitamins at once and I'm like, oh, fuck it. I'll just eat all the vitamins for the rest of the week right now. Great idea. I love the idea. I ate like ten vitamins at once, and I'm like, hey, Mom, I ate all the vitamins. She thought I was going to die. It was great. I don't think you can overdose on vitamins, though, can you? Not Flintstone vitamins. No, definitely not. You should get nauseous. I love Flintstone vitamins. I was totally fine.

It just tastes so good. It tastes amazing. They taste amazing. They really do. It's my favorite sort of vitamin. You used to be able to get medicine so much more fun. They have gummy vitamins now. Don't like it. Oh, I love it. I love it. I just can't wait for that strawberry chemo I'm going to get when I'm 70.

Yeah, it'll be sweet. That's when you want. That's definitely the chemo you want. Get that bubble gum. Bubble gum or mint? Bubble gum shrimp. Bubble gum shrimp. I want bubble gum shrimp chemo. I just want to know what the choo-choo does. Oh, it's a moo-moo.

Moo-moo goes the choo-choo. Oh, moo-moo goes the choo-choo. That's how it goes. Good. Marcus, do you have a story? The pregnant man is separating from his wife of nine years. What are they going to do with the kid? Well, his name is Thomas Beattie.

He's 38. He was born Tracy Lagondino. And he's weird as fuck. He's just finished up... Lagondingo? Lagondino. Lagondino. He's just finished up his final gender switch surgery

from a female to a male. The Phoenix Man became known throughout the world as the Pregnant Man when photos of the bearded Beattie, heavily pregnant, appeared in global media. He has had three babies through artificial insemination. Is he pregnant right now? No, not right now. Oh, because I was going to say, is that what he's

like really getting in the way of changing into a man? He used to be a woman, right? Yeah, he used to be a woman. How many did he have as a woman? Three. Does he have a dick? Not anymore. No, I mean, no. He does now.

I guess he... Yeah, because he's probably the final step. Wait, how does that work? What is that dick, though? They blow up the clit. Is that what it is? Yeah. They, like, let it out. It's like opening up a pair of pants,

where they go and they cut up the side of it, and they, like, flap it out like flaps And then they sew it into a sleeve I just slammed a dildo in there That's weird Can they piss out the dick? They have to be able to I don't know

I guess they can re-root It trickles out of their eye hole It's a really fucked up dick They have to press on their face And all the piss just shoots out of their eye hole. It's a really fucked up thing. They have to press on their face and all the piss just shoots out of the side of their eye. Imagine if you had one of those stones coming through the eye.

I've heard of those. You ever seen people shoot stuff out of their eyes? Cataracts. Milk. People shoot milk out of their eye. It's pretty fun. You're lying. I don't lie That's not on YouTube

You get like people You can force I forgot what it is But you can shoot liquid out From the side of your eye Oh yeah Really Oh yeah

You have to be like Chinese To do it I love that milk It says here that Female to male Pre-ops Pee through the old plumbing The female parts

Some may learn to urinate standing using those parts or through a device, and others may opt to use a stall and pretend to be doing number two. Female to male post-ops... Why do they have to pretend to do number two? This is fantastic. Female to male post-ops pee through whatever male parts the doctor

created. It's like a crab claw. They're pissing out of a crab claw. I want it's like a crab claw, they're pissing out of a crab claw. I want it to look like Mickey Mouse's head. Every time I'm pissed, it's like he's throwing up piss. I think we're not going to do the surgery anymore. I'm sorry,

sir. Call me Mr. Disney. What's the point of getting a dick if you can't piss or cum out of it? No, you can piss. I think they make it. They make it where you can piss and cum out of it. Well, I don't think you can't cum out of it. I think half the time they end up not being able to feel stuff, right? Yeah.

I don't think they can ejaculate. Yeah, most of the time they just go crazy and kill themselves. Yeah, it's like wearing a costume. It's like role play, you know? I mean, it's more about that. For the rest of your life. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, it's flappy down there.

It must be, you know, it's like, that's my penis. I mean, that's sort of how it goes. It's weird. Do they get balls, too? I think you've got to get the balls. Do they, like, fashion some it's flappy down there. It must be, you know, it's like, that's my penis. I mean, that's sort of how it goes. Do they get balls, too? I think you've got to get the balls. Do they fashion some kind of balls for them? I mean, they have to be fake. They just sew them into a little pouch and attach them to the bottom there.

Is that a duck skin? Yeah. It's really strange. We were just discussing how women become men with the penis. Apparently, they use the clitoris and stretch it out and make it all big and puffy and weird. Ugh, gross. Wouldn't it be too sensitive to do that? I don't understand. Or in some cases, they take a finger from the hand on the right hand

and they just attach it. I saw that in Ripley's Believe It or Not. You use the middle finger because it's the only finger that can pop up and down and not affect the other finger. What are you talking about? I was making a joke! You make a penis. There are some people that have used the middle finger

because it's the only one that moves completely separately. My pointer does too. My pointer's fine. It is rocking a pointer. It's about the actual get hard aspect. Oh god, here is exactly

how it's done. It's called genital reconstructive procedures. They use either the clitoris. It's called genital reconstructive procedures. They use either the clitoris... Is that called making an Indian outie? No, it's not. That's pretty strange. They use either the clitoris, which is enlarged by androgenic hormones,

or rely on free tissue grafts from the arm, the thigh, or belly, and an erectile prosthetic. In either case, the urethra can be rerouted through the phallus to allow urination through the reconstructed penis. The labia majora are united to form a scrotum where prosthetic testicles can be inserted. Oh, so they do get balls. Yeah, they do get balls.

But you can pop them out any time you want? I mean, I'm sure. I don't think they have like a zipper or something. It's like a pistachio. Or sometimes they take the knuckles and put them down there. That's weird. I just want to say, everything we've talked about on this episode, except for Kevin's jacket, has made me want to throw up.

Yeah, it's really been disgusting. Kevin has a very nice jacket. Very nice jacket. My stomach is very sensitive today. It's really bad. All right, well then you guys aren't going to like this one. That's good. Segway! Alright, well then you guys aren't going to like this one. Allegedly That's good.

Allegedly spitting in a customer's drink didn't just get a South Carolina McDonald's employee fired, it got him arrested. Marvin D. Washington Jr., 19, has been charged with unlawful and malicious tampering with food after a mom and daughter found phlegm in their tea. What is the least of the liquids they should be concerned about?

Fucking pee pee, man. Not the least of the liquids. It should just be tea. What is the least of the liquids they should be concerned about? Fucking pee pee, man. Not the least of the liquids. It should just be tea. I think I'd rather drink pee pee than a fucking bucket of phlegm. Yeah. You'd rather drink a bucket of urine than a bucket of phlegm? Yeah. I probably would.

Yeah. The phlegm is going to take a lot longer. The texture. It's like thick and disgusting. It's like French onion soup with cheese in it. It's like an oyster graveyard. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. A bunch of ghost oysters.

It all just makes me want to throw right up. It all just makes me want to fucking gag and then vomit into a fucking toilet or a boot or something. The television station that reported it referred to the deposit in the drink as quote, a large deposit of phlegm. In both drinks. I see. So we had some booger action

going on in there. You can't put phlegm in iced tea. You gotta put it in like ice cream or something like that. Sure. Of course, yeah. I mean, you can just imagine how deep that wormhole would go. What else is going on with that McDonald's? See, what I would do is just cut a bunch of pubis off. That's a good move. Just toss it in there.

Say, it's sprinkles, little boy. Eat my sprinkles. Now you're a pedophile, though. Now you're sort of a grosser dude. Yeah, you don't give the sprinkles to the kid. You give it to the adult. Look at my sprinkles. Give it to the grown woman.

Oh, full chocolate sprinkles. All brown like dark chocolate. Interesting. Well, this is a great McDonald's. I love it here. I put a booger in some kid's burger once. I think that's fine. I didn't like him, though. He was a piece of shit.

I thought he was the beastie. If that's the case, don't be friends with me, please. He lit a fire in my living room. How did he do that? Why? He put a bunch of paper in a cup and he lit it on fire and he thought it was hilarious. Was it funny, though? No, it wasn't. Did anybody else laugh? No, just

his evil fuck. Just him, okay. Yeah, and I put a big booger in his burger. Where is he now? I don't know. Hopefully he's dead. In jail. Maybe. He choked on a big booger. I hated that piece of shit. Corey Lukowitz. Okay, I just said it. Lukowitz! Yeah, fuck him. Fuck that dude, man. Corey Lukowitz. Okay, I'm just saying. Lukowitz. Yeah, fuck him.

Fuck that dude, man. That's fine. I never did anything particularly bad with all of my fast food days. You just ate it? I just ate a lot of the food, yeah. But there was definitely a dude who used to rub his hands on his balls and play with the meat and shit like that. Rubbing all the buns on his ass. Wild dude.

And now, was he fun to all the buns on his ass. Wild dude. And now, was he fun to party with? He was crazy. Yeah, I do want to say great co-worker. And yeah, you could never do anything wrong because he was rubbing buns on his ass. So, you're always better than that dude. What about a fucking dirty Wendy's? That was Wendy's, right? That was Wendy's and then Pizza Hut, that was particularly

bad as well. Yeah, the sausages at Pizza Hut, just full of God knows. We threw stuff in there. Yeah. Talk about it like you were at the Vietnam War. It was disgusting. Yeah, what does stuff entail? Skin.

You know, human skin. Where are you getting all this skin if you rub your hands together for long enough it makes piles and piles of skin and then you just throw it into the sausages and watch people eat your flesh and laugh at how dumb they are

that was when you lost a lot of weight oh no I wish I could get rid of that skin I was picturing y'all cutting yourselves. This is going to be hilarious. Bleeding the sauce. I don't think I can make it, man. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely.

All right, guys. Get ready for a lightning round type segment. It's called The Worst. We are so quick in our game today. Absolutely. That's the thing. You've got to move quick. You've got to move quick or you're going to get whammied by Marcus.

Marcus will whammy you if you don't be fastied by Marcus. Marcus will whammy you. Whammy me, Marcus. Don't whammy me. We didn't say whammy if they don't say the thing fast enough. We talked about this before. No, we didn't. I'm gonna ask what the worst thing would be and you've gotta answer it.

We'll do a test run. Hopefully it'll work out. What's the worst place to fuck? My bedroom. No, no, no. Let's go around. We'll start with Kevin run. Hopefully it'll work out. What's the worst place to fuck? My bedroom. No, no, no. Let's go around. We'll start with Kevin. Kevin, go. Bathroom full of shit. Diarrhea. That type of thing. Bathroom full of shit. Ben. Naked. Whammy!

My mother's vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good place. My mother's bedroom. That's a whammy! Whammy. A swimming pool full of razor blades. That's like a David Lynch movie or a Cronenberg. We'll just give a winner of the round.

We'll give a first and a second place of each round. That didn't count. That was a test round. We'll make that a test round. I'm not even going to score you fuckers. I'm too tired to do that right now. We'll just do a first and a second place for each round. All right. Okay, Ed.

We'll start with you this time and go Jackie next. What is the worst way to die? Get your balls shoved down your throat until you choke. All right. Jackie. Drowning in a pool full of phlegm. Stabbed in a musical. Ben.

That's a good one. Asshole sewed shut, eating, eating, eating until you're full of shit and you pop. That's who we one Asshole sewed shut Eating eating eating Until you're full of shit And you pop That's who we got I know Fucking Stopped on by giraffes

And set on fire Okay Kevin number one Ben number two Wow I got a better reaction But method man Yeah you can't

There you go Alright Jackie we'll start with you next And it'll go to Henry second You fucking lost that one, dude. I fucking won it, though. If you ask the readers and the listeners.

I mean, your answer was funnier, but his was better. Yeah. Yeah, his is the worst way to die. That's how we're playing this. All right. Jackie, who is the worst person to be trapped in a room with for a day and eat acid with? You. Yeah.

Dr. Seuss's ghost. Dr. Seuss' ghost. Dr. Seuss' ghost. Ben. Whammy. Whammy. Kevin. Michael Jackson and Monique. Kevin, you win again.

Jackie, you get number two. Yeah. I don't got this game, man. My brain doesn't work. This sucks. It's stupid. It's fucking dumb. You remember when I won Dictator?

Jackie said Holden. That's inside. Yeah, but Holden's known. He's a known celebrity. You're right. No one knows who Eric I.O. inside. Yeah, but Holden's known. He's a known celebrity. You're right. No one knows who Eric I. Yeah, and don't even mention his name. It makes him stronger somehow.

All right, Henry. What's the worst cartoon character to be married to? Woody Woodpecker. Ben. Daffy Duck. All right. Kevin. Mario.

It's too loud. Ed. Baloo the Bear. Nice. And Jackie Tweety bird Tweety bird Who gets it

Who takes it Henry number one Eddie number two Because no one wants to fuck Baloo No one wants to fuck Tweety He's so small I fucked him Yeah

I shoved that little thing up my ass Let it wiggle around until it dies Alright Who do we start We started with Henry last time, right? Yeah. So, Ben,

starting with you. It's not good. Worst job to have? Podcasting. Kevin. Bathroom attendant. There you go. Ed.

Picking up dead animals from the side of the road. Jackie. Bollicker. Bollicker. Okay. Henry. Hitler's mother.

And Henry wins that round. What a job! Eddie, you get a... Hitler's mother is Henry wins That round Being a mother is a full time job Exactly You fucking misogynist Eddie you get number two How many more of these are we doing I don't know

I've kind of lost track of how exactly I'm scoring this thing I haven't done well I think let's do Two more rounds Two more rounds. Okay, cool. Two more rounds. I gotta get a good answer out here. Kevin went to it, I went to it, right? Look at that. Kevin, everyone here is gonna be doing a stand-up comedy act.

They have to do a full half an hour. What's the worst band you could open for? The worst band you could open for? Goddamn NSYNC. There you go. Ed? The Carpenters. Jaggi? ABBA. ABBA. Henry? Deathstrike! goddamn NSYNC. There you go. Ed. The Carpenters. Jackie. ABBA. ABBA. Henry. Death Strike.

Pantera. Pantera for Ben. Ben opening for Pantera is quite fucking awesome. That's kind of great. That would be amazing. Yeah! You guys ready to rock? Yeah, faggot! Get off the stage! Okay then. Okay, you are. Alright. We will continue with the concert.

Alright, so that one Ben wins, Eddie gets second. Big W. Alright, back on game. Alright, so what do we got here? Here's the scores that we have so far. Kevin, you got two.

Ben, you got one and a half. I have one and a half. Henry, you got two. Ben, you got one and a half. I have one and a half. Henry, you got two. Jackie, you got a half. Not bad. Ed, you have two and a half. Two and a half? No, he doesn't. He has two. He has two? Interesting.

He's come in second place like three times. Exactly. It's adding up. Consistent. Great batting average. I mean, so let's go ahead and say it's going to be, let's take it down to three people. It's going to be between Kevin, Henry, and Ed. So I'm not in this.

You're not in this, unfortunately. You want to be the worst again? I prefer to be with the winners. Kevin, Henry, and Ed, we're going to start. And we're not going to give out a second place right now. Okay. Kevin, Henry, and Ed,'re going to start And we're not going to give out a second place right now Kevin, Henry, and Ed We're going to start with Kevin His idea is a little more abstract

What's the worst movie to be trapped in for all eternity? The worst movie to be stuck in is Little Mermaid Alright, Henry What is that? Richard Dreyfuss It's actually a very fun movie I would love to be trapped in it Between Richard Dreyfuss and Jenna Elfman?

What the hell on earth? Kevin. Blackula. That's a good last minute one. That's a tough one, but I gotta say Krippendorf's tribe. That's really bad to be trapped. To have to fuck Richard Dreyfuss? You don't have to fuck Richard Dreyfuss.

You're there. You're in a relationship. Do we want to fuck with your Dreyfuss? I mean, you don't have to fuck with your Dreyfuss. You're there. You're in a relationship. I would totally fuck with your Dreyfuss. Do we want to do one more or are we done? One more? We're going to do best two out of three. Best two out of three. Okay, Henry, we'll start with you this time. Ed goes next. We're going to do, what's the worst place to take a shit? Outside of

Zeppelin. Standing on my hands. Pet store. Pet store. Eddie wins that one. So, Kevin, you are out. Now we have one final question. This decides who wins it. It's between Henry and Ed.

Now this one, try to think outside of the box. There's obvious answers, but I think it could be worse and more painful with weirder answers. What's the worst animal to be killed by? The worst animal to be killed by is the animal, that little fish that swims up your dick.

Oh! Thousands of ants. But you said animal, not animals. Animals. Ants. One ant. Which is why I said it could be more abstract, because that would probably be one ant slowly killing you would probably be more painful than a bear. Like digging its way through the hole in your eye into your brain?

Yeah, exactly. But fish up the dick is heavy contender. I've never seen Anaconda. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right. It gets David Caruso. What happens? It swims up your dick?

It swims up your dick, and then it all happens when you're peeing in the Amazon, and the thing swims up. That's right. It gets David Caruso. What happens? It swims up your dick? It swims up your dick and then it happens when you're peeing in the Amazon and the thing swims up. It's called the Candiru. Is it a real fish? How do you know the name? Marcus, you're awesome! How does it fit up your dick? It's very small.

It believes in itself. It's a success story. If I have to go for one of the two, as far as what is the worst, what is most horrible? The ants. It would take years. It would take so long.

But you know what? I'm still not satisfied with that. I think we need to do one more. One more. I've got to think of one now. I'm out of one. This is like my fourth audition for Living Color. Okay. I'm so dry.

Are you dry in your body? I'm actually moist. I'm really dry. My butt needs a fucking napkin. Whoa, that's gross. Scarf that I can wrap around my fucking... I guess that's underpants? Yeah, yeah.

Wiping maybe every now and again. Mine needs a bib. Yeah, I'm just wearing a bathing suit under my pants. Too much breathing. That's a problem. So much rubber. Did we do worst sexual experience? No.

What is the worst sexual experience you could have? We're talking place people... Ever had? Have. You could have. One could have. Like, you know, two dudes fucking your eye holes or something like that. It could be anything. It could be really anything. Why don't you start with Henry this time?

I will start with Henry this time. Henry, worst sexual experience that you could have starting now. Getting throated by a daddy pig while you're asleep. And Ed, what's the follow-up? What can beat it? Getting raped by the New York Knicks. I kind of like that one, though.

I'd take the Knicks. You know what? I can't... We have five other people. We have to vote on this. I can't share it. Can we people. We have to vote on this. Okay. I can't share it. Yeah.

Can we share a championship? You know what? No. It's only these mushroom heads fucking trick you. All right, Ben, what's your vote? The Knicks or the pig? I would love to get raped by the Knicks. The pig.

All right. Kevin, who are you going with? I'm with Ben, man. I say the pig. I'm going with the Knicks. Jackie, the swing vote. I'm also going with the Knicks. Uh-oh. You don't even know it.

You're asleep the whole time. It's all on you again, Marcus. You wake up to getting raped in the mouth by a pig dick. Yeah, but raped over and over again. Jeremy Lin and fucking... You probably get free jerseys and tickets huge basketball players. You have to probably get three jerseys and like tickets to the game.

Here's my thinking on this. The pig, you wake up, you're getting throwed by a daddy pig. You just throw the pig off. It's dumb. Throw the pig off. So does every Nick. Oh my god.

And that's and that's and that's why because the pig thing, you can get out of the pigs. Rape by the New York Knicks. Why would you want to get out of getting raped by the New York Knicks? You just gotta offer them a

solid trade to the Lakers. Just tell them you can send them to a good team. Alright, I think Ed's the winner. Ed's the winner. Ed went to three trips to Tahiti. Controversial. I concede. It is good.

I'm excited. So we're going to start the show now? Yeah. That would be fantastic. All right. For Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Henry Zabrowski.

Thanks, buddy. Kuku goes to doo-doo. No, no. Moo-moo goes to choo-choo. Yo, thank you. I forgot it. Marcus Sparks, I'm Ben-moo goes to choo-choo. Yo, thank you. I forgot. Marcus Sparks, I'm Ben Kissel. We'll talk to you soon.