The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 97: The British Potato Council

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man with the most hilarious name and occupation ever films a man having sex with a pony (and more), a doctor in Australia is fired for randomly switching off life support systems, and our Young Entrepreneurs segment showcases the Round Table's business acumen, plus CCR's own Henry Zebrowski sits in for Ed and old friend Meatball drops in to tell hooker stories about Ed while he's gone.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ed Larson. E-D-L-A-R-S-O-N. Yeah! I'm fat. Big fat Ed. Big fat, dumb, pig head,

ham head Ed. He is dumb and fat. He's not here. He's not fucking here, girl. Fuck you, Ed. What's the dumbest thing you've seen Ed do? Wait, wait. He's not fucking here, girl. Fuck you, Ed. What's the dumbest thing you've seen Ed do? Wait, wait. Let's get... Well, let's...

It's Mother's Day. It's Mother's Day. Come on, home. You better start us off with the prayer. So we can do... You want me to say this to the prayer for Mother's Day? Guided meditation. Okay.

Before I start, I just fucking love this day and there's something special i kind of gave myself a little bit of caboose juice this morning it's like a spritzer behind and uh mommy i mean you talk about dreams and you talk about when you sleep, what you dream about. And it's very, Oh, Freud was, I would love the fucking rip Freud's dick off and fucking feed it, feed it to mommy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This is a personal Alright fine everyone close your eyes for a guided meditation You're fucking the shit out of your mom And I'm sorry Mother's day I'm sorry Make lick

And now Today is the day You're gonna get married to her And you grow old with her And she goes back to the day we get, you're gonna get married to her and you grow old with her and she goes back to the day that she looked in those beautiful wedding pictures that you fondle

late in the evening when you go home. I always when I go home, you can open your eyes for a second, when I go home I'm sorry if this has to fucking come out of me. I'm so juiced today over this. I always say, give me the picture books, mommy.

Give me the picture books. And she usually says something cute like yummy. Like yummy, yummy Holden. You know, it's one of our pet names. All right. Anyway, close your eyes. You know, You finish. There's no way to describe the amount of

liquids and shit strewn about the room. It's a champagne Sunday, Mommy, and we're all here with you. We're all with her right now. It's my mom. It's Henry's mom. Jackie has the same mom. Anyways,

I love you, and welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen. I love my mom. Happy Mother's Day. This is good. That was nice. Thank you. It was a beautiful message. Kevin, your face was thoroughly disgusted the entire time.

Yeah, man. I don't know how you live with yourself every day. Welcome to the roundtable, everybody. Who is everybody around here crunching on the chips? Jackie Zabowski. I like chips. Henry Zabowski. Chips makes for good radio.

Wow, it's the chip siblings. I, uh... Yeah. Sitting in for big, fat, dumb Ed. Yeah, stupid Ed. He's at a ham festival getting fitted for a pig costume. I got nothing to follow. I got nothing

to follow that with. I'm holding. Kevin Barnett. I'm Big Izzle. Eddie's friend is here with us joining Meatball. Thanks for being here, Meatball. My pleasure, definitely. Absolutely. You've known Eddie since he was 13 years old. Around then, yeah, middle school. I'm so excited. I can't wait for you to tell us stories about when he was fat as a kid.

I actually have a really good one. Awesome. I think you guys are going to enjoy it. Let's throw it first to Marcus Newsman. What do you got for us, buddy? This story is out of England. This is a Yorkshire... Of course I see. I've got tea in my pocket.

Me bad teeth is making my mouth all cut up Oh British time There's a follower back with his bad teeth This is from Yorkshire The north of England An ex-policeman and former director of the Great Yorkshire Show Which I've been informed is a show about how awesome

Yorkshire is Yorkshire is great show right? Yeah Think about it He was jailed for twoshire is a great show, right? Think about it! He was jailed for two and a half years today after he admitted filming a man having sex with a pony.

Two and a half years, that's it? I'm going to make sure everyone knows not a horse, a pony. A tiny little pony. That's like extra perverted. Was it like a comedy spoof? Was it like what John Waters told somebody?

It was full on bestiality. Bestiality pedophilia. Like a political satire? Oh, I'm not done yet. The man's name? Charles Littleboy. So he's a small guy. He can only get a pony.

He can't ride a horse. There's no way. He was 55. He made the video in his stables while the man was supposedly taking part in an animal breeding practical course. I would love if the whole thing was set to the soundtrack of the song Dig a Pony by the Beatles.

What are the... Okay, I'm a little confused on bestiality and the law What is the deal with it? You cannot do that Every sexual thought you have is illegal Hold on Arkansas Legal

There you go It was only made illegal You have a horse for mayor there This is completely true Bestiality was only made illegal in Texas in 2009, 2010. What about a dead animal? A dead animal, that's fine. What about the Montauk monster?

You can fuck it. Okay, good. Texas was the last state to overturn the sodomy laws, so you could not fuck a dude in the ass, but you could fuck a pony in its sweet pony pussy. But what about sheep? You can fuck a sheep. You can fuck a sheep, but you can't fuck a pony?

Pony and sheep are the same. In my head. They are different animals. They're different animals, but fuck factor? I would just as much fuck a sheep as I would fuck a pony. Never a horse too big. Meatball, what do you have to say about that?

I mean, I guess a sheep would be softer. No, no, no, no, no. Ponies are soft. The thing is that you think that the cotton is soft once it's processed. When it's just on a sheep, it's all bristly. It's like having sex with a giant men's beard. Man, that's right. The insides are all the same.

Just like bucket of corpse. I imagine a horse pussy is much more tough. Just, you know, well-ran. You don't think it's juicy at all? What if it kicks, right? Because that's... Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of things to worry about. That's why you tie it down.

You tie it down and you fuck it while it's on the ground. This is good. This is... Really, this pony was kind of standing still. I think the pony was used to the abuse. But here is more... I mean, is it abuse for the pony? Look at this pony.

It's ready to fuck. The pony was coming. You know, rarely does a woman be like, oh, he raped me. He raped me. I had three orgasms. The pony came. How do you know the pony? Because the pony comes. There's no money shot at the end of a pony porn. I just fucking spent $50

at the wrong goddamn head shop. Here is more information about Charles Littleboy. It gets creepier. Police discovered the video along with a stash of images of horrific sexual abuse of young boys.

Well, there you go. That's the ticket. That's the hot ticket. That's the cake there. That's a surprise pedophile corner. Surprise pedophile corner right at the top. Hey there, kid. Come in my van. I thought That's a surprise pedophile corner. Surprise pedophile corner right at the top. Hey there, kid. Come in my van.

I thought we were doing the pedophile corner. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Hey there, kid. Come in my van. I'm just Ed. I'm Ed. You know where he is. Ed loves pedophile corner.

He just immediately jumps right into it. And here is the kicker about Charles Littleboy. Tony, literally. He's a former member of the Charles Littleboy. Tony, literally. He's a former member of the British Potato Council. Oh, yeah. It was him. It was Dr. Mengele. It was Mr. Potato Head.

And they all fucked horses. It's a slippery slope. You start with potatoes. You work your way up to the horse. We've known this for decades. I mean, potatoes to polio. Once you mash them, it's fine. Yeah. Mash a potato. Stick your dick in to the horse. We've known this for decades. I mean, potatoes to potatoes. Once you mash them, it's fine. Yeah.

Mash a potato, stick your dick in it. So the song The Hokey Pokey is actually about fucking a ball of mashed potatoes. Stick your left foot in. Yeah. I think if you're going to fuck any sort of food, mashed potatoes is probably the best thing to fuck. Make a little pussy out of it.

What are we talking? Best food? Jell-O. Yeah, you can mold it. No consistency. You cut a little pussy out of it. Yeah, what are we talking? Best food, Jell-O. Yeah, you can mold it. Jell-O's got no consistency. You cut a hole in a roast beef. No, too hard. I really think mashed potatoes might be really great. Me, personally, I go potato salad, man. Oh, I agree.

It's got some grit. It's got to be hot, though. It's like the last of the chick to use her teeth. Warm. Warm. It's warmed. Well, you just mash it up with your hands before you stick your dick in. That's how you get a warmed up.

By the way, I am not going to the Memorial Day barbecue with any of you fucking disgusting people. Do you think that Mr. Little Boy jerked off to My Little Pony? He might have. He loves children. He loves ponies. Imagine a child pony. He must immediately come. A pony is a child horse.

No, a pony is a pony. Here's what Mr. Little Boy's attorney said, or barrister, as they call him in England. Nice wig. Is a pony just a baby horse? No. No, no, no. A pony is a small horse. It's a small horse.

It's a full grown. A pony is a baby horse. No, a pony is a full grown horse. No, a colt is a baby horse. And it's also, but I thought, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. A pony is a whole life. I think's also... But I thought... No, no, no, no. No, no, no. A pony is a pony his whole life. I think Marcus would know what he's thinking, too.

I think I know horses better than you do, Mr. Queens. I've seen all different pictures of animals. You've seen... Henry is smart in ponies. Yeah. He has not learned it in the ways of ponies. I don't have an argument with chips. No, ma'am.

It would be better if you liked cols. If you just loved young things. What's a foal? A foal is a baby deer. No, that is a female. A foal is a female horse. Baby horse. So a pony is just a tiny horse? A pony is just a tiny horse.

It's like a little fucking dinklage. It's like how a mule is different. But also smaller than a horse. But a mule is a type of donkey. No, that's a googie boogie. It's a googie boogie. A mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Also, sterile.

Interesting. Yes. What happens if you make a horse mate with a bunch of bees? It's a honey bear. The worst thing to fuck is a bunch of bees. Yeah, I definitely agree with that. Potato salad's high on the list, bees or not. What do you think he used to coax him into the van?

Or does he have, like, is there a different, like the white van? The kids or the ponies? Yeah, I was about to say hay. A lot of hay. Is there, like, the bestiality, pedophilia, like, equivalent of the white van? You know what I mean? It's a small, sterile, like, beautiful stables. It's a stable full of, like, sweet carrots.

Man, I want to go there. I actually have an answer for you. Wow. Whenever I was saying earlier, this is what little boy's lawyer... Little boy. This is what little boy's lawyer little boy This is what his lawyer said about the man and the pony. Although

I'm going to say this in an accent. Although it is difficult and unpleasant thought, there was a willingness on the part of both of them. Oh yeah. Totally. Ponies love to fuck. Yeah, ponies are sluts. Everyone knows that. I mean, chickens are sluts. Everyone knows that. I don't...

I mean, chickens are frigid. He got two and a half years. Chickens are total fucking prudes. They be back for days, man. You can't just fuck a chicken. Everybody knows. No, it's always like, ooh, ooh.

I'm a chicken. Badgers just want to lock you down. I think it's weird that he got two and a half years for the pony fucking, but nothing with the kid? Not yet. I mean, they haven't gone for any kind of

prosecution on the child abuse. That comes up next, but he downloaded images of child abuse from the internet and engaged in depraved discussions with fellow pedophiles. In one conversation read out by the prosecution, little boy discussed sexually abusing a baby with a writer known as Pervy

Dwayne Stephen King's son Pervy Dwayne Is that like everybody knows him as that? Or who? You know who knows him? Don't go over that It's where Pervy Dwayne lives

Yeah Pervy Dwayne's moon pies for the rich Yeah they're good Yeah it just makes wonderful diamond studded gold-placed moon pies. Tastes like pony cum. I love them. Yeah, and little boy asked pervy Dwayne, tell me what you would do to a young one and how sick you would like it to be.

I don't know, man. Oh, no. Why do they even talk about ponies? Forget about the ponies. What about this? That's ridiculous. You know what I think about the ponies. What about this? That's ridiculous. You know what I think about Pervy Dwayne, though?

I think Pervy Dwayne was probably a cop masquerading as a pedophile. Because look at the CIA guy who went into Al-Qaeda. Bought the underwear bomb. I don't know what Abercrombie and Fitch he walked into. It's kind of crazy. He bought it. I'm sorry, can you give the background on that? What is the underwear bomb?

What's going on? The big plot. Some of you don't know about this stuff, Holden. It's a very big story. It's a big news story. Does it have to, yeah, if it has to do with my mom or not? No, it doesn't. No, no, no. Everything is about your mother.

Yeah, it's true. You're right. I'm sorry. You're right. But the CIA busted this sort of underwear bomb going onto a plane from Al-Qaeda a long time ago when the guy had the underwear bomb and he looked like an asshole. It was a big, dumb... You shouldn't wear it on your head.

I mean, that's really what they... That's the thing. And he's just like, look at me! Everybody look at me! Look at me! That's not how he got on the fucking plane. I'm just saying. But that's not how he did it, though.

People just need to be more careful. Right. Is that really the moral of that story? That's it? There's so much more to the story. Henry, just so you know, little boy, he was a police officer in the 80s. So he knew all the ins and outs. Of Tony Love.

Of fucking boys. the 80s. So he knew all the ins and outs. Of Pony Love. And upon further reading of the article, he got two and a half years for both filming the pony fucking and the pedophilia. That's it? Two and a half years. That fucking chick who shot the ceiling with a shotgun because her abusive husband was

about to get into Florida got 20 years. Man, England is just a playland for child rapists. If I liked kids, I'm moving to England. That sounds like a wonderful place to diddle. Yeah, diddling. That's what they call it. That's why it's only two and a half years. Yeah, diddling. Oh, just a little bit of

diddle in your pocket. Have you guys ever watched British porn? No. It is awful. Well, the big thing is... Because they're always like, Oh, sorry, sorry, touch the love, sorry. No, no, no. We were watching this thing last night

called The Dark Side of Porn. It was a BBC type of documentary, and they followed a porn virgin. Is that on Netflix? No, no, no, no. It's something I downloaded from some podcast. The glint in your eye was like two lasers. I love it. Yeah, I love it. You still download porn? Huh? No, no, no. It's something I downloaded from some fuck up phone. The glint in your eye was like two lasers. I love it.

Yeah, I love it. You still download porn? Huh? No, no, no. It was a BBC program. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was, they showed like a gangbang scene with these two girls.

And one of them was like a 38-year-old woman. Very sad. And more than once, I heard someone say like, oh, sorry. Sorry. Pardon me. They were just struggling for a foot position. That's probably why this dude loved pony porn. Ponies don't fucking apologize.

You know, a pony just goes in there and gets a dub. Keep them shut. Also, boys don't apologize either because they don't know what they're doing is wrong. It's not wrong. It's making them come. I mean, it's wrong to the woman. I think British porn stars also like kind of, you know, just similar, like, you know, ours are pretty trashy on the whole,

you know, especially the low-level porn stars, you know, like, not porn stars. Let's just say fuck actresses. Like, fucking for a whopper. But I think that British people kind of show the skank a little clearer.

Well, they were so... It showed the making of and all that. They kept saying the word Willie. He couldn't get his Willie-ard. Oh my god. Because you're not a fucking pony. All the direction that they gave... It's like a penis little bow tie around it.

Hey, there are ever-growers. Hey, I can't wait to... Don't put me in. Don't put me in Don't put me in I'm looking at you like a fucking eating goldfish Here's a To me this is the most British quote Out of everything

This is from the judge who carried out the sentence He said What you all failed to present to appreciate Is the utter humiliation and degradation Of the victims of your crimes, both human and animal. And pony. Yeah, he did say and animal. Or young horse, and then the lawyer...

Imagine the dignified trot of a young pony forever dashed by the sulling of a madman. There's no way this pony wasn't going getting high hooves all over fucking town. He fucked a chick. If you fuck a chick and you're a pony, you're the champion of all the ponies, aren't you? Yeah. Also, the thing is that don't pony. I'm done with it. Why?

Why? If you were a pony and you fucked a horse with big, stinky udders, then you don't have udders. You don't have udders? I have decided now that you have a very limited knowledge of animal biology. Go to a farm. Kevin, would you care to comment on

Henry's knowledge of biology? I mean, he's doing real well. It's ridiculous. Fucking udders. You can squeeze an udder. You can fucking udder. You can hold two udders together. Yeah, udder fucking.

I imagine that'd feel quite good. It's all time. It'd be quite good. Spray some milk on your dick. Squirting milk on your dick. Squirting it in your mouth the whole time. It's utter loving. Let's move on to Australia.

Please. Another colony of fucking rapists. An allegedly psychopathic doctor who tried to kill his own patients may finally lose his job after four years of complaints. Oh my. The doctor, whose name hasn't been released, killed at least two elderly patients by unplugging them in a hospital and had to be physically restrained from killing more. But that's not killing. Yeah, was that like a court case?

He's just going to lose his job? That's it? Yeah, that's it. May. May lose his job. May. Quite possibly. Is it killing if you unplug somebody who can't, like, if you can't live on your own, why are you alive?

Yes, it's killing. Yeah, if you end someone's life, it's killing. He didn't end their life. He just gave them the opportunity to survive on their own. It has to be, like, someone's got to say kill it. No, man. After 50, you don't want to be alive anyway. You might as well just end it.

I think everyone should just end it. Yeah, what's the policy here? What are you doing? What's in the will, Henry? What are you doing with your life support? No, they'll never pull the plug. Never pull the plug? No, no, no. Keep me alive forever. You're not doing anything. You're just well, you'd be happy. Freeze me.

Freeze me and free on. Keep me in the fucking ice. You would just wake up as a vegetable. No, no, no, no, no. They could save your brain. No. No one wants it. Have you never... When the future happens, there's gonna be more... They're gonna be able to defrost brains

all the time. You really put way too much faith in the nanobots. There's cause way too... Well, I mean, once there are overlords, once we are nanobots, then we'll all understand. Clearly none of y'all haters have seen Futurama. is positive that's like most of my science got to cure his bonitis and still died listen man i don't appreciate anything you're saying there is no difference between henry's actual life and that person who is a coma in a coma other than you could just stick a fucking

jack in my head that plays movies in front of my eyes. They're not going to do that. They'll figure it out. Why would they treat you well? Because I'll be a fucking quadrillionaire. Of billions and billions and billions of dollars. Sounds like you're a billionaire.

I'm putting in my will. I'm going to have it. Wait five years. Someone who looks just like me, dresses like me, comes in. I'm from the future. and then turns me off. I think that's kind of what it is. Like, it's okay. Like, I came back, but it's like we don't need this one anymore. I'm giving it eight weeks.

Eight weeks? Yeah. In a coma? Yeah. No, not in a coma. If I'm in a vegetative state, give me eight weeks. Done. But you wait those eight weeks, you don't know when you might.

What if at nine weeks you'd have pulled out of that and become a famous soccer player? Yeah. What about that? That's a good point. Never let go. What if you're just one funny Ben Kissel joke away from coming back? But here's what this dude in Australia did. They said the doctor

was trying to cover up his incompetence and quote, might kill you if he took a dislike to something you did or said. Lots more patients would have died if the doctors had not gone around and turned them back on. This fucking coma patient keeps saying fuck you with his eyelids.

Yeah, so this guy just wandered around a hospital and just kept turning off life support. I love it. Damn. Wow. I agree with his decision. It cost the state thousands and millions of dollars to fucking support these goddamn vegetables all year. Turn off life support. I love it. Damn. Wow. I agree with his decision. It cost the state thousands of millions of dollars to fucking support these goddamn vegetables all year. Turn off the light. It's like when my dad used to go around the house shutting all the lights off in the house

because of the bill. Yeah. Then again, though. He was saving money. Now that I think of it, I know what that is like now, man. I fucking, this happened to me this weekend. I know what it's like to be, I had sleep paralysis. If y'all have had that before.

I have heard of it. It sounds terrifying. It's the most terrifying shit on the earth. I haven't slept all week. So Saturday I still only slept like three hours at night. What were you doing all week? Just fucking running rag man. Just working and going to shows and trying to go home and do whatever.

Being successful. I slept great. I slept great all week. But it's like Saturday I tried to take a nap for like two hours. And then I woke up in the middle of my night. My eyes opened, but my entire body couldn't move. I was just sitting there like this, and I couldn't move the whole time with my hands just to the side like this. Sleeping on my side.

And the craziest part about it was I felt like there was somebody standing over me. It felt like there was someone standing right here behind my head, and I couldn't look back to see where he was. And he was whispering some demonic shit. What did it say to you, man? It was saying some shit like that. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like that. And I was like, what the fuck? It was the most terrifying shit. That's awful. And it wasn't like I was dreaming because my eyes were open the whole time, and I was trying to move, and I couldn't move for like three minutes. And when I finally could move my eyes, I just moved and I was like looking around.

That's not sleep paralysis. You have a demon in your heart. You have a fucking demon haunting. That's what like, apparently it can be genetic. And I thought my cousin came over and I was talking to him about, I was just describing it thinking it was some crazy shit. And I got, I literally thought I died. Like I thought I was like, damn, I was trying to remember as I was paralyzed what

I did to kill myself. See, that's why you shouldn't be a Christian. It's good. The Lord saved him. I talked to my cousin and he was just like, man, dude, I've had that shit before. It's like sleep paralysis. We go look it up. First thing I see when I looked it up is a demon standing at the edge of the bed. Get the fuck out of here.

Get out, Kevin. I mean, it's true. It's a lot like the movie Insidious. Oh, it's so good. Oh my God. Yeah, it's great. I mean, is it sleep paralysis?

Do you think there was something actually in the room you felt that was fucking saying shit to you? I felt something like there was something standing right there.

Well, I know maybe sleep paralysis is genetic, but also demons tend to follow family members around and sort of stick with one kind of family. Yeah, think about that, Kevin.

Any hauntings in your life, Meatball? Other than fucking hoagies and hot dogs? Oh my God, every day. Especially now when I walk by those trucks, those food trucks here in New York. We don't have those in Boston, you know? Although we do have the sausage guys over by Fenway. This is great.

I want to hear you talk about this for hours. Tell me about the hot dogs next to Fenway. They are pretty good. Alright. Next up, a Minnesota woman was arrested this week after shaving her daughter's head and

forcing her to pick up garbage and do wind sprints wearing nothing but a tank top and a diaper. Who's garbage? Jesus. That's brutal. Was it someone else's garbage? Yeah. Oh, it was other people's garbage she had her pick up? Yeah, she dubbed it diaper duty.

Well, what did she do wrong? She had bad grades. Yeah, well, yeah. Then, yeah. Humiliation. Yeah, well, then yeah. Humiliation. It just sounds like a good plan. You got bad grades, get out there and sprint, get quick, get this football

money. So tell me, Stephanie, do we want to get a B or do we want to do double diaper duty? It's just like the stocks, man. It's all about humiliation. Humiliation into doing better But that's what I think they should do To the quote on quote Wall Street criminals

I don't believe in anything But I really think a lot of these guys need to be You believe in nothing? Nothing, absolutely nothing But I think these people need to be dragged out into the street And have their pants taken off And fucking spank them Spank them in fucking Times Square.

Like, take Warren Buffett. Or make them do the helicopter with their penis. Oh, yeah, just be like, shake your tiny penis, Warren Buffett. Shake your fucking tiny penis. Warren Buffett's fine. Yeah, Warren Buffett's one of the good ones. It's the only name I know.

So you don't want prison for them. You want a public spanking. Yes, I want to take the fat cats, put little top hats on them, dress them up in fancy suits with tails, and just spank them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, give them one of those things

that you pull the string on it and it folds up. Yeah, tie a bunch of bells to them and lead them around by a rope. Did the demon that haunted you look at all like that? I fucking wish I knew. That's the whole point of it.

You never know what it looks like. It's just like all the movies. You just didn't know it was this beautiful, big-titted, naked woman? Oh, that would be it. A giant Puerto Rican woman with just double teeth. Love this. By the way, I've had a fucking full-on boner

ever since it got nice. The chicks out right now are so unbelievable. Tits are bigger than they were. I'm watching chicks take their shirts off. Just fucking, you know, I mean, they're wearing shit underneath it. But it's just so hot. That's probably what he was saying. He's like, titties, titties, get out there.

Don't be sleeping, there's titties out there. Can you show me some titties? Oh, yeah, that's not a demon. That's just the other part of my brain. That's me talking to me. I mean, if you're going to be visited by any demon Being visited by the titty demon is alright Oh that would be wonderful

What if she was wearing a diaper though How would you feel then She must not be doing well at school I would just say If she was wearing a diaper she's responsible You don't want to be shitting yourself in people's house When you're haunting them You don't have time to stop to go to the bathroom

She's considerate She is considerate and imagine how many hours in people's house when you're haunting them? You don't have time to stop to go to the bathroom. She's considerate. She is considerate. And imagine how many hours she looked at you and stalked you. She probably had to pee multiple times in there. But you can't leave. The scare is gone. I love it. So has this changed you?

Did you read the Bible immediately afterwards or convert to Mormonism or anything? This is literally... That's just the craziest part about how I am. I was the most terrified I've ever been in my entire life. And then as soon as I snapped out of it and I could move, I was like, oh, that was weird and went back to sleep.

I was just immediately falling back to sleep. That's the best part. I usually look at porn to fall asleep, but some people get haunted by demons. Everyone's different. I watched Kim Burns' Civil War to fall asleep. Oh, man. Talk about going to sleep. Yeah. I've watched four hours of that.

National Parks, dude. That does even better, dude. National Parks is fucking... Civil War, though? It's just like... And then they died. And then they fought. It's a fun time here at the war.

Send my love to Mom and Dad. It's all about the letters. I lost my arm today. Not bad, though. Not bad. Not too bad. Drink some whiskey, though. Thanks for the whiskey.

No, it's awesome. Hey there, Jackie. Go to sleep. Okay. You just go to sleep. Abraham Lincoln, you put me to sleep. But you know, the Civil War is like

every Stephen King novel. It's like, oh, great read, full of blood, full of guts, and then ends terribly. Except it's not full of blood and full of guts. Oh, yeah. Show up. Appomattox? No.

Gettysburg? Antietam? There are certain battles that definitely are, but the rest of it, it's like there's 12 hours of documentary of this. When you're watching, it's like, oh, and then all these people died. They didn't fight anybody, but they were sick. And then there's this other battle that wasn't really a battle, but

they got sick. We spent 10 hours walking to the place where we have to walk more. It's so boring. I want to watch World War II. I want to watch people get slaughtered to death. Nothing. That's what I want to watch. World War II was for something. watch people get slaughtered to death for nothing.

World War II was for something. Oh, give me a break, Black Hand piece of shit. Black Hand? It's World War I. What the fuck is that? It's World War I. It was Black Hand anyway. Black Hand is the organization of Black Hand. Those are the people that assassinated Archduke Ferdinand, the starter of World War I.

Yeah. Edit this out. It's too smart. It's too smart. Too historical. I don't like it. I don't like where we're going. Next up, police arrested a mother on Thursday for allegedly having a sexual relationship

with a 16-year-old boyfriend of her daughter, which resulted in a son. That is a porno. That is a porno. Why are all the stories involving children and fucking today? Because that's what it's all about, man. It's loving the kids. It's Mother's Day. 16-year-old boys, you man. It's loving the kids. It's Mother's Day. 16-year-old boys, you know.

That's almost a man. Yeah, that's true. Have you met a 16-year-old lately, though? As an adult now? A 16-year-old is just like, duh, I, uh, oh. But it's like if you put peanut butter in your vagina, you can get a dog to lick it.

Exactly. I think that's how they're going to get Katy Perry to act in the next film she's in. She's going to be an actress now. She'll just be the horse for Mr. Ed. Or John Littleboy? No, no, no. This is Mayra. Charles Littleboy.

It was Chucky Littleboy. Why is it always peanut butter? Isn't there a different, I mean, is there other options? Because peanut butter is hard to get off. Horses and horses love peanut butter. I mean, you could just zap it with like a couple of broken electrical cables. That'll make its mouth kind of

Ah, damn. Zap, zap, zap, zap, zap. Like after in 1918 when all the horses died. Where's Ed? Hey, it's Ed! It's so dumb. It's so dumb.

Ed, Ed! What are you doing for Mother's Day, Ed? I don't know. But I need shoes for my big feet. You got shoes for your big feet. You got to get those shoes. Those feet are really big.

Oh, they're so big. Smelly. Yeah. Man. We got him, man. We fucking got him. Every fucking time, man. He's sitting in this chair.

This chair has a dent in it. Yeah. It's nice, though. I feel really at home. Yeah. We all know it, I mean everyone Could agree that Ed is so fat and so dumb He is stupid

Straight weight, I like it Oh yeah, meepo, what's the story with Ed? This 16 year old boy We were just talking about him You've known Eddie since he was 13 Maybe 16 or 17 I think it's maybe My favorite Eddie story.

Oh, we've got to hear it. We had a group of maybe like 20 of us that we would always get together. It was a real tight-knit group of friends. Tight-knit of 20? Yeah, it was pretty crazy. Every day we'd sit together at lunch and everybody had their own little quirks. Can you just call Eddie fat really quick? Eddie's fat.

Yeah. Thank you. Fat Ed. He was still fat, but he had short, like, buzz hair. So it looked, like, really weird because his head was kind of small. His body was still really big. Now he's got the longer hair, so it kind of evens out the proportions. He's so fat.

He doesn't have a back half of his head. That's what's really weird. It's only in front. Yeah, I guess I saw that. I remember that one. So, Fat Ed. So we had this, it was the first and actually last annual gathering of all these guys that get together. We had this, we thought it would be great 16, 17, 18, whatever. We're going to get a dancer. We're going to get a stripper to come over to this party. She walked in. This woman walked in. She walked in to

17-year-old dudes salivating. It was like immediate psychosis. She went in a room and sat there for 40 minutes. It was bad. salivating. And she was like immediate psychosis. I mean, she was just she went in a room and sat there for 40 minutes. It was bad. Wait, she had like a breakdown? She had like a breakdown. Was she like

crying because Ed was too fat? She saw him and she got scared and ran. Oh my god, this Staples Marshmallow Man is real! And he's fatter than I imagined! So she goes in this room for 40 minutes. Eventually, somebody talks her out. We get her to do a keg stand to try to lighten up.

But I think she had just started. Because she was the worst prepared exotic dancer in the world. Didn't bring her own music or anything. She forgot her titties? She forgot. One was kind of scooting down a little bit. Scooting down?

I mean, it is scooting down. So she decides, or she asks, you know, I didn't bring any music. Can somebody get music and put it on the stereo? And Ed was right next to the radio, and he goes into his bag. How was it to dance to Allman Brothers for fucking eight hours?

Ed pulls out, of all things, right out of his little CD case, the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat. Yeah. Mortal Kombat. Mortal Kombat. He had that. She gets in there and it's Johnny Cage. Sub-Zero. I mean, everybody was losing it. The best part of that whole story was she would do the thing and she'd put the dollar on the nose and everything.

And she would pass it to this other guy. and he was supposed to put it into a bag, like her bag, and she would go back and she would take somebody else's dollar and give it to him and he was supposed to put it in the bag. But he actually kept passing around the same five dollars.

So like a half an hour later, she thinks she made fucking $100 and in reality she made like five dollars. Like the same five dollars she made, you know, fucking $100. In reality, she made like $5. Like the same $5. That's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. She like gets to the car. I've been hoodwinked.

It's not easy to be a almost hooker. I mean, she was so terrified. You know she wasn't coming back in. No. So she was in the bedroom, coming to wasn't coming back in for that money. So she was in the bedroom combing to us for 45 minutes and danced for 30 and then immediately left.

Actually, Timmy? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you guys know Tim. It was his birthday and she stripped him down to his boxers, beat him with a dildo. I mean, it was kind of ridiculous.

But that's fun. Do you think she rehearses that? The beat him with a dildo? Yeah mean, it was kind of ridiculous. But that's fun. Do you think she rehearses that? The beat him with a dildo? Yeah. I think that's more improv, right? I think that was off the cuff. Wow. But I love about this story

is that Meatball told it and he's also wearing a sticker that says, I love my mommy. So disgusting. It is Mother's Day. It's also crumpled like you've been wearing it for days.

That's weird. That's a weird story. But everyone was very nice to the stripper, and Ed was kind to her. Did Ed make her laugh at all? Or cry. Or cry. Good. Or cry.

But it was good. It was one of those things that you really hold on to. Oh, yeah. That was great, man. Wonderful. I really loved that, man. I can't wait for Ed to listen to this. That is probably one of the most... Eat cheese whiz out of the bottle.

He'd be like, I'm so mad. I can't believe the dead girl stories about me. I better get my baloney cologne. My baloney cologne. Are you serious? I was so hoping we were going to get an Ed smells like meat reference. He does smell like bologna. He does smell like bologna.

It's only bologna. His bed sheets are just long, thin sheets of ham. In relation to the story, headline from, once again, Australia. Boy 11 bombarded with porn on sleepover. What is happening? What is wrong? First of all, there's no bombardment. If you're an 11-year-old at a sleepover, that is just a

cornucopia of awesomeness. The smorgasbord of love. I gotta tell you, being an 11-year-old on a sleepover now is so much better than it was when you had to watch that one channel that kind of came in with the fuzz and the tits. It was just like every once in a while you'd see a nipple pop up in between the different colors. I like that. Now you have nine tetrabytes of hardcore pony fucking.

Here's what happened. an overnight party last week. It was turned into a disturbing, confusing nightmare after he was exposed to a bombardment of hardcore porn on mobile devices. On mobile devices? Everyone was like, look at the text. So all these kids just had iPhones. We're not talking about any adults involved here, are we? No. I'll tell you what happened there.

The kid went home. He looked up the same website. The mom caught him. And then she's like, where did you see that? Oh my God! Mommy, they bombarded me with porn! Yeah, exactly. Oh, well, Johnny showed it to me, and blah, blah, blah.

Like a Christmas story. He threw Johnny under the bus, Johnny got beat. I mean, that's probably what happened. Meatball, you are smart. Right? I see it now. That's pretty much how it went down. And you know what?

I don't think we have anything else to say about that, so let's go to a segment from Holden McNeely. This segment is called Young Entrepreneurs. I've lost all power of speech. Young Entrepreneurs. So is Holden. So is Holden. Do you want to do it again?

Your nipples are poking through your shirt. I know. Why are you wearing a white shirt, Holden? My is Holden. Do you want to do it again? Your nipples are poking through your shirt. I know. Why are you wearing a white shirt, Holden? My nipples are hard. I don't know why. Your nipples are like really close together. No, they're not. Actually, they're very far apart.

Yeah, they're far apart, I would say. They're more walrus-eyed than fucking cat-eyed. God, you're fucking gross. He is so gross. Anyway, let's get to this. Sorry, I'm doing my nipple dance. No, I didn't want to. Nini, nini, nini.

All right, okay. It's fun. It's disgusting. Young entrepreneurs, we're all going to start a business. We're going to explain how we feel that this business will be lucrative. And Marcus will score based on how much profit we'll be making. And the person with the most profit, Jackie is'll be making. The person with the most profit, Jackie, is seizuring out. The person with the most profit...

I'm sorry, I'm like sneezing until I die over here. I think she's allergic to your segment. My nipples. All right, so I'll start. I would do... I'd have a little kind of Almost like a bakery Or like a little sort of Nice little spot

But it would be Potato salad women I'd make the potato salad women You can take them home Have your way with them We'll even have them in man I mean you're not going to be able to Put the dick in you really

But maybe I'll put a rod And cover it in potato salad On there like a metal rod But really it would just more be about Women wouldn't want a rod A potato salad inside of them Because a metal rod. But really, it would just more be about getting him in his butt. A woman wouldn't want a rod of potato salad inside of them because the chunks would come off. Yeah, it'd be awful, right? You could rub a pond. I don't mean to

aid you in this, but... You can't help him. She can help him a little bit. It's a terrible business idea. Potato salad people? It doesn't matter what Jackie says at this point. It's a horrible idea. Help him, please. I feel that a vagina rubbing upon chunks covered in mayonnaise

could help in an area of getting off, but never to the potential of pulling off. That's just called doing a Zebrowski. I'll add the Zebrowski special to my menu. Absolutely. Extra names. Okay, for the Zebrowski special, you have one more dollar okay great all right kevin oh business my business would be detachable titties portable you can take them wherever

you go see this is how i do it i go into the morgue freshly dead girls and i cut off the titties and i sell them and you can fill these titties with milk. You can fill these titties with honey if you want. You can take them anywhere you want. Great for strippers who forgot the titties. It's beautiful. Honestly, after doing it that way and I have no overhead. This is a great business model. I'm just taking titties. You have to be a serial killer.

I'm not a serial killer, man. They're already dead. Alright. Jackie, what do you got got what's yours oh jump and chip okay um head entrepreneur so you can cut off the head off of any animal and you guys were to alike but the thing is that the best part of a head is that you can fuck either side of it so you can fuck the neck you can fuck the mouth you can do anything if it's a So you can fuck the neck, you can fuck the mouth, you can do anything. If it's a chicken, you can use it as a weapon. It's literally

using any kind of head in any kind of situation. It can be sexual but can also work to your advantage. You can think of the deer antlers. You can just use the antlers as... It's more weapons than sex. I'm thinking weapons than sex. No, I got to cut her off.

The pitch is going very well. You're right. Mark Cuban's about to hire you. I think it's all about finding roadkill, cutting off the head, selling the heads. It's complete profit.

You don't have to spend any money on the animals. And then I think it's complete profit. Or if you find dead people, you cut off their heads and you use it as such. Okay, fam, what do you got?

Continue on jacket. He was jumped. I was still thinking. I'm sorry. I have no idea. I jumped him because he didn't have any idea. I never have an idea. I suck at segments. Meatball, Meatball, you got one, right? I actually, I think this is a pretty legitimate good. Alright.

You guys ever hear of one of those stoplight parties? You know those stoplight parties Where you wear different colors Like red, yellow, green Right, right Whatever you're wearing It's like whether you want to fuck or not

Yeah, green means I'm single, I'm ready to fuck Yellow means mavers And red means Don't touch me Don't ever fucking touch me Why are you at a stoplight party? Why would you go there?

Interesting I mean, Eddie would wear green But everyone would treat him Like he was wearing red You could be the enforcer Because he's so fat Dumb You could be the enforcer friend Wearing red You know what I mean, Eddie would wear green, but everyone would treat him like he was wearing red. You could be the enforcer friend. Because he's so fat and dumb. You could be the enforcer friend wearing red. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, so what I was thinking is, if you had an app, and by the way, if anybody takes this idea, I'm coming after you, because I think this is pretty good. Yeah, you'll find them. So you have an app that basically people can put all of their sexual anything. It's all anonymous. But they put it on this profile. And then when they go out at night, they choose their color. So if you're a group of guys like, oh, shit, we're all horny and we have no idea where to go.

What are we going to do? Then they look at this map. You go find the greens. They look at this map and they find the greens Of all the chicks that want to like blow dudes Or you know get anal or whatever Get anal or blow dudes That's a really good idea I mean it's sort of like Grindr

And stuff like that Grindr is the gay equivalent But then there's OkCupid sort of doing that But with the colors and stuff I think you got something That's new You add that color and it's like oh Everyone's like oh where do you want to go? And they want it to be as easy as possible

to you. You want to look at a map and see it. See a bunch of green dots or blue dots, meaning you want to get blown, but only in the dark while crying. It's called prostitution. It's highly illegal and no one's going to fucking do it. No, no money. There's no money. Whores are working for free.

All this is, okay, is basically someone's... I'm giving you a better chance. I'm saying I can get you laid. If you give me a dollar, I'll give you a 50% better chance. I'll get you laid. Thank you, Meatballs. Would you pay that dollar? Nah, man.

Nah. Fuck that. Your business is Meatballs Meatballs, and your slogan is Ed's Fat. From eating all the meatballs, meatballs. All right, Henry, what do you got for us? See, I thought of this before, before everything else started. This is what we do. All right?

Listen to me. Let me weave you a tale. All right? What do people like? What do people like in their living room? Uh, couch. No, no. I'm going to answer that fucking question for you.

Lamps. A big comfy chair. This is what we do. All right. All you need is one product. Right? Makes the whole business. You dig up.

I'm bored already. Listen, I'm just letting this settle in. Listen to the silence of the room. Pretty good. Dig up George Washington's bones. Make them into a chair. Sell the chair for $35 billion. I mean, someone has to buy the chair.

Someone will buy the chair. What do you sell after that? You just have a normal furniture business after that? You take the money and you flip it. You flip it. Flip it into what? You flip it into a money-making company. What are the logistics of digging up the bones?

You find where the bones are, you dig them up. You're going to get arrested if you try to do that. Yeah, I think it's hard to do. I mean, he's in a coffin. You've got to go through a whole bunch of secret service and shit. And then you're a grave robber for life. No, for one time. No, but they know you're a grave robber because you market it as George Washington's bones.

Yeah, but the whole time I always wink about it. They're George Washington's bones. So then it's whole time I always wink about it. They're George Washington's bones. So then it's fake and why would anyone pay them? No, no, because I will tell the real billionaires. Because the thing, I'm not marketing to the everyday man. I'm marketing only to billionaires. I send a letter in a

parchment scroll to every billionaire. $35,000. I feel like it's a little... $35 billion. What you do is you set up a thing with a bunch of billionaires all into networks, say you all buy the chair together and then you can share the chair. But who would do that? It's like a dumb time share.

Corrupt, broken, millionaires. There's like a clan of billionaires. Alright, Ben. Ben, do you have an idea? I don't have an idea. I'm terrible at ideas. All right, well... I'm going to say demon. I would like to rent out demons, things of that nature, to convert people.

Oh, like Daffy Duck and the ghost... Quackbusters. Quackbusters. Like a quackbuster, yes. You had a great experience this week, Kevin, with a demon. Thank you. You are welcome. My service, I provided it.

You numb the person for up to three minutes at a time. You haunt over them. You say something about tits. And then you casually leave the room after they go to sleep, completely appeased with their own mind. Oh, so you just want to be a priest. Basically. But that would be the service. I suppose, to some degree, it would help folks fall asleep faster with the help and the

service of a nice demon creature discussing tits and the ins and outs of assholes. Alright! Well, uh, here is the profit report. Did I win? Uh, no. Bye. Fucking shit. Okay, we're gonna start at the bottom and go up, as we always do. Henry,

stupid idea. No, you're a fucking... No! You'll see! You'll see! You'll see! Zero dollars! No one's sitting in the chair, Henry. You're not going to make any money with that. Bye-bye to Henry. You're never going to see Henry ever again because he's going to be a billionaire.

A $35 billion. I highly doubt it. Next up, Holden, $4. I wasn't the last, though. What in the world? Why are we playing for no money? We're like the stripper. They want to hang out with Eddie.

And $9. Thank you for $9. I appreciate that. It is better than Holden. It's definitely better than Henry's dumb idea. Jackie, $73. That's pretty good. Not last, nowhere near it.

Fuck you guys. $35 billion. One sale is all it takes. Yeah, but no one's buying it. Yeah, no one's buying it. No one's going to buy it. It's not going to happen. I don't think it's small.

None of you are real Americans. All right, and so now it is between Kevin and Meatball. Both of you have very, very strong business models. I like them both. I really do. I understand where you're going. Kevin's was dead titties. Oh, well, everyone loves dead titties.

Yeah. And Meatball, as much as I like your idea, I think what's going to happen is that immediately everyone on Stoplight is going to figure out that everyone else on Stoplight is unfuckable. Yep. Because they don't got KB's dead titties. And your business is worth $4,500

Kevin's business worth $5,067 You're the winner It was a close game It's not wrong I know what I'm being I think if they were high glossed I could kind of see

High glossed Titties kind of see. You know, like high gloss, shellac. High gloss titties? Yeah. People, you need to shut the fuck up. Kevin, do you have anything that you want to say about your big, fat, dead titty biz? Hey, buy them dead titties today. Call 1-800-DEAD-PORTABLE-TITTIES. That's too many.

1-800-DEAD-KITS works. Listen, don't tell me how to run my business. Don't forget he won. Thanks for sitting in for Fat, Dumb, and... We made up in here this whole time. Oh, they smell baloney. He is so fat and he is so dumb. And meatloaf.

Thanks for being here, buddy. Meatloaf. Whatever. Meat tart. Whatever the fuck your name is. Meatball. Meatball. Thank you for having me.

I'm sorry. Meatloaf is not good. All right. I appreciate it. Anything for love. Eddie, will you take us out? Sure. Alright, I'm done. That's just Ed sitting watching a movie.

I'm telling you, it's too true. The other night I was just like, man, why are you snoring? Your eyes are open. He has a deviated septum, right? He's got a problem. And one more thing. British listeners, write in and tell us how we did.

11. Give us a fuck. Cavecomedyradio at gmail.com. Oh, God damn it.