The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 99: Pizza the Hut

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on the Round Table: the string of cannibalistic attacks across America continues with a brain eater in Jersey, a 340 lb woman pepper sprays supermarket workers in a daring bacon and beer robbery, and two people are shot in Detroit over a Kool-Aid argument, plus we've got comedians R.G. Daniels and Jim Tews sitting in!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Okay. Are we good to go? Yeah, we are. It's been a lot of drama. It's only the cheer here pissing everyone off

with your fucking horrible voice and your ugly face. Did I spill the beer on Marcus' computer? No, you didn't, but you might as well have with your fucking giant body that you always knock everything down with. I didn't knock the beer down. You knocked the beer down! You fucking dickhead. Fuck you, Eddie.

You fucking big sweaty bastard. Hello. All right. I'm mad too. Why are you mad? I'm just mad at monkeys and things. Unbutton your collar. No, why?

Why is your... Are you wearing a tie? I'm not like what he's doing, man. Yeah, thank you. All right. Kevin compliments me on this shirt. I get laid more than Kevin. It insults my fucking buttoning abilities. This whole show is fucked now.

It's a show of hate. Your shirt looks like a fucking picnic blanket. A picnic blanket, not even a picnic table, because people wouldn't even eat off of it. That's a funny sound in prayer. Well, you're a Beelzebub. Thank you so much for gracing us with your big fucking boobs. No chicks are here tonight.

It's all dudes all the time. No fucking pussies. Jackie's not here. It smells a lot less like Chinatown. Eddie, I told you that joke earlier today. Very funny. I'm glad you remembered. Thank you.

Fucking funny joke. Her fucking big old stinky pussy. Stuffing up my eyes with sweet sexual thoughts. God, I want to fuck you, Jackie. Come back to the table soon. All right. Well, that's the whole goddamn prayer from this fucking big monkey head.

Welcome to the round table. Who is everybody here? Don't talk yet, RG. Ed Larson. Holder McNeely. Dojo. Kev Barnett. Sitting in for fucking sweet

Jackie Zebrowski, RG Daniels. How you doing? And also completing the total weight of Jackie. We got Jim Tooze. Hey everybody. Jim, get into the microphone. Is this enough? I gotta fucking hump RG here. Yeah, that's fine. Just fuck RG. Are you guys both Jewish?

No. Okay, just fantastic. I'm Jewish enough for everybody. I love it. That's what my father said about prison. I've done enough time for all of us. All right, with us as always, Marcus Parks with some news. Marcus, what's happening today in the world of news? Continuing on with the flesh-eating theme of this week. Started in the last podcast on the left.

Last episode came out on Thursday. This story, a 21-year-old college student allegedly told detectives that he hadn't just killed the man who'd lived with his family for months, but had eaten his heart and portions of his brain. The victim's severed head and hands were found in the Midds Harford County home. Mole remains were left in a church trash container. At least they went with God.

I'm happy this kid's getting a good education. That's what it's all about. Is he in med school or anything? No. He was an electrical engineering major. And an ROTC guy. Oh, good army fella. Why was this asshole living with him and his mom?

I don't know. Well, he was in college and the other dude, his name is Kujoi Bonsafo Agei Kodi. He's Ghanaian. You gotta get him out. Yeah, he's from Ghana. Oh, he made the fucking gypsies. He's from Ghana. They're not... No, he's from Ghana.

He was like an exchange student? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was also, he had a master's degree. Yeah. He exchanged his life to come here. It's very interesting. It's bizarre.

That was funny, man. Thanks, Kevin. You've been fucking making fun of me all goddamn day. Whatever. No one's saving this fucking performance. Goddamn Jewish Eddie. So how many people is this now that have been chewing on people this week?

This is, well there's these two and then there's also the guy in New Jersey who disemboweled himself and threw intestines at the cops. God damn it, I love that. Niggas have gone wild, man. My little brother put up his stats. I thought it was hilarious, man, because he don't know. He put up a thing where he's like, man, it was something like, 90s black comedy could have never fathomed that this shit has happened.

All the niggas have gone insane. This guy is black as well. Oh, yeah. That's what I said. He's from Maryland. Oh, yeah. Black in Maryland. Or crabs.

So what's going to happen to this guy? Is he off the hook? No, he's been charged with first degree murder. Oh, please. So he killed the fellow when he ate his heart, huh? Yeah, he should been charged with first-degree murder. Oh, please. So he killed the fellow when he ate his heart, huh? Yeah, he should have got out of his mom's house. Yeah. Was he fucking his mother?

Was it a situation like that? No, he was just renting a room. Oh, renting a room. Yeah. High price to pay. Yeah. Who would you like to kill, RG? If someone's renting a room, they come over, this guy in East Valley, you find out he's

slipping your fucking mother. You would kill him, right? I think I would. Yeah. The situation. How would you do it? What part of the body would you want to eat and why? This guy's eating the brain and the heart. Both kind of sensitive parts of a person to eat. Gotta eat shoulders, man. You'd eat the shoulders? I'm going alive,

man. The movie Alive. I'm eating that butt. Yeah. Oh, you'd start with the ass? Get the butt meat, man. That's what I was thinking. Something fleshy, like the thigh. Yeah. Something that wouldn't taste like man. That's what I was thinking. Something fleshy like the thigh. Something that wouldn't taste like human. That's what you do for survival, though. If you're just doing it for the story, then you go heart or brain. Or eyeball.

Slice his tits off. Yeah. It's all nipple. All nipple if you want the publicity. Oh, yeah. You could have like nipple cereal. I would say... I'm just mad because you're always out of milk.

I was going to go with nipple-roni pizza. Oh, nipple-roni pizza! On top. Yeah, I like that. That's great. This is not the first time this guy has been arrested for violent activity. He was arrested in January

for allegedly fracturing the skull of a classmate with a baseball bat. The classmate was blinded in one eye as a result in what campus police called a random attack. His Facebook page includes commentary about the, quote, destruction of the black family and mass human sacrifices. Here's one. You can't make a brain anomaly without cracking some skulls. This guy's just a very fantastic chef. Here is one update. This is all in caps, by the way.

This is the brutal basis and evil and terrifying method of this death cult. Facebook is just helping us keep these people in prison, man. This guy's in a death cult? You know, fraternities have really taken a turn for the worse here. And this is like their hazing ritual.

Absolutely. Nothing? All right. No, I know what you're saying, RG. Repeat it. I missed it. I can't. I don't.

I just can't. I didn't understand what Marcus said. So I'm lost. No, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. That was the guy's last Facebook post. What did he say in Read It Slow or Normal? This is the brutal basis, an evil and terrifying method of this death cult.

I'll tell you what, I can't understand anything right now. I'm tripping balls on bat salt. I'm out of my mind right now, man. Oh, man, they said that this guy's in college. That's a fucking Facebook post of a college graduate? Yeah, kick him out of the school. Get him out of a college graduate? Kick him out of the school. Get him out of there. They just kicked him out of the ROTC program.

They didn't kick him out of school. That's who we should be sending over to fucking Kuwait. Yeah, we want him in the military. Yeah, absolutely. This guy's fucking gold. This guy sounds like special forces material. Yeah, man. He's a fucking killer. Yeah, totally. And a nice eater. You've got to consume the body that you kill

so there's no fucking evidence of all the innocent deaths. Nobody fucking knows it. Here's interesting facts about the victim. He was dismissed by Morgan State University after a 2008 conviction in Baltimore for fourth degree sex offense, harassment, and stalking.

He raped the mother! Who did? The guy in Eastville raped the mother This is about right The man who had his heart eaten And his brain eaten was the rapist Yeah He's a sex offender He probably tried to fuck the guy's mom

And the guy just got He probably said if you try to fuck my mom again I'm going to eat your heart And I'm going to eat your fucking brain Sure enough he's in there butt fucking his Mother in the goddamn kitchen You know it's a perfect place gonna eat your heart right now when you eat your fucking brain right he's in there but fucking his wife mother in the goddamn kitchen you know it's a perfect place to eat a heart is there is there a comment from the mom has she no she has not come forward at all she's like any gas some good dick

in the freezer when she got home from work the balls are in the the fridge. You don't force his mom to eat his dick. Like, yeah, this is what you wanted. That would be great. There was a fellow in Japan. Did we talk about that in the last episode? No, no, no, we didn't. Yeah, the guy cut his dick and balls off and then served it to people for $450 a stick or something.

No, it was $250 a plate. Eight folks bought it. There was 500 people who paid $70 a pop just to watch it. It was a Japanese chef who did not want to be a woman, did not want to be a man. Eight folks bought it. There was 500 people who paid $70 a pop just to watch it. It was a Japanese chef who did not want to be a woman, did not want to be a man. He cut off his dick, cut off his balls. He put them in the freezer. Apparently he cut them off a couple of years ago. Oh, really?

Finally got the inspiration. Maybe he was all sewed up and he could go back to work. Oh, so it's all freezer burn cock. Maybe. I don't know. But $250 a pop and only one fella backed out of it who bought a plate, and everyone really seemed to enjoy it. I am.

And now this guy's just running around with everything to live for. And we don't have the recipe or whatever he did to garnish his dick and balls. How did he cook it? He did it as, I think it was kind of a scampi. Oh, okay. Makes sense. Treat it like a shrimp. Yeah.

That's nice. Garlic. Didn't he chop it into a sushi roll? Because I feel like that would go really nicely. No, it it like a shrimp. Garlic. Can you chop it into a sushi roll? Because I feel like that would go really nice. It was definitely a saute. Wrapped in seaweed. But the best thing is, cannibalism is not illegal in Japan.

It's just not illegal. They never got around to making that illegal. As long as there's consent. If you're like, hey, eat my toe, and the other guy's like, oh, yes, very much so. Oh, that was a very interesting accent, Holman. Do it again. Oh, I got to eat it all night. He's got a little bit of Italian in his throat.

That's the thing. It's a culinary Asian. He's got a little bit of Italian. I love it. That's what Mario should have sounded like. That's wonderful. So I guess if this guy consented to the fella cutting him up and eating his heart and eating his brains, it wouldn't be murder, right? It would have been fine.

Well, no, because cannibalism is illegal in America. Right, but in Japan. In Japan it would have been fine. So you can kill somebody in Japan and eat their body parts. You can't kill them. You can't kill them. You can't kill them. You can just eat them.

Yeah, that's the thing. Exactly. It's like if it's a consenting adult. Yeah. Or a consenting teen girl, because they do whatever the fuck they want to to teen girls. Oh, my God. They love eating teen girls. I just don't understand how they fuck all those chicks with such pixelated penises.

They're dicks in the Japanese porn. You can never see where they're coming from. It's terrifying. You can eat a man's dick legally in Japan but you can't see a penetration completely clear. It's so crazy. It's very bizarre.

How was it served? Was it served as it was? He chopped it up. It was like Jim said. Like a little sushi type. Yeah, but it was dick sized know, dick-sized sushi. And let's, if we play with this stereotype that Japanese men have small

penises, that's why maybe he could only serve it to eight people, and I can't imagine they got full. You know? Doesn't seem like the largest portion. No. You know, if KB fucking cooks up his monster cock. Yeah, maybe it was an appetizer. Now, was he raising money for anything?

Do we know? No, he was just making money. Yeah, just loving life. Using what you got. Sell it. Absolutely. Speaking of eating people, the fella who got his face ripped off by the Miami Bandit. We'll just call him that.

His name was Rudy Eugene. Rudy Eugene was the fella who ate the face. And what was the name of the guy who got his face eaten off? Because he's a New York native. His name is Ronald Poppo. He has an IQ of 127. Is that good? Yeah.

He graduated from Stuyvesant High School here in the city. And his family thought that he killed himself 30 years ago. It's such a bizarre phone call to make to the mother. We have good news. We found Ronnie. Bad news. He's missing your eyes.

He literally has no eyes, which is kind of sad. His face is gone. And here is a new detail about Rudy Eugene, the killer. Haitian. Oh! Very interesting. I love this Haitian story. What's going to happen with these bath salts?

Because I think right now we can all go to a deli or a bodega and we can buy bath salts and we can trip. It's like taking acid and crystal meth. How do you make bath salts? It's not really bath salts and we can trip. It's like taking acid and crystal meth. How do you make bath salts? It's not really bath salts. It's a fucking chemical mixture and it's like taking acid and like taking meth and you can still buy it right now at any head shop in New York City and in all 50 states.

Oh, so it's like a packaged thing that you do. It's not something that you make at home like crystal meth. No, you could make it at home. You can buy it over the counter in head shops. Oh, man. And fucking rail it. I don't understand why people still sell it at the head shops. I mean, it's a big seller. It makes you feel

super strong. I think if you're in an isolated gymnasium or something just surrounded by pads, it would probably be a hoot. Jump around, be strong as fuck. I would finally be able to do more than four push-ups. If you're using this as part of a workout regimen, it's good.

Like creatine. I imagine you would just tear all the muscles in your body after exerting all this energy that you never... Is that what it is? It's a steroid? No, it's a... It causes hallucinations, super strength, extreme paranoia,

and violence. And at the end, you want to kill yourself. A lot of people, after doing it, kill themselves right after. It feels like their body gets heated up. That happens a lot of times. Whenever you take a lot of methamphetamines, any kind of stimulant, if you take too much,

your organs literally feel like they're cooking inside of your body, which is why they get naked and why coke heads are like, is it fucking hot in here? No, we are in Antarctica. It's cold. Come on. Kev, you used to train the FSU football team. In what situation would you recommend

bath salts to somebody? A big offensive lineman who's just not getting the shit and be like, you don't have to understand anything, dude. Just take this sweet substance. When during the game do you feel you need to eat the other player's face off? Fourth quarter, baby! Fourth quarter!

Man, anytime you gotta rip niggas a half for not understanding your lifestyle, man. Is there any drug that you gave any football player for the FSU team that you were just like, oh shit, that was kind of dangerous and they were completely losing their minds? Yeah, we didn't give them nothing. No. They got that on their own.

He winked at me quite a bit when he said that. This is the theory that Eugene's girlfriend puts forth is that he was either drugged unknowingly because apparently he only smoked a lot of pot.

Like, he didn't really do any kind of weird shit. He said that the day that he left the house, she said that he held his Bible, kissed her goodbye, saying he was going to meet with the homeboy. He called her an hour after he left, about 6.30 a.m., telling her that his car had broken down. That was the last she heard of him. She says that he was either a victim of being drugged unknowingly or the victim of a voodoo curse.

How about neither of those? He was a good church-going fella. He had his Bible when he left the house. He might be. Maybe he drugged unknowingly. Maybe he did buy the bath salts from a deli and he just had no idea what the consequences would be, which is very possible.

If the guy was sort of clean and sober, if he only smoked weed, you take in a hallucinogen that makes you act like a fucking acid head with a meth mind, you might just go absolutely bonkers insane. Yeah, they shot the fuck out of him, right? Seven times. Oh, was it seven times now? No, no, six. Yeah, it was six times.

And a lot of the folks on the Huffington Post, all of the comments, a lot of them were just like, you've got to tase the guy. You can't shoot this fellow. It's terribly, terribly rude. And then you see the fucking picture of the dude who had his face gnawed off, and you just have to shoot him. Yeah, you shoot that guy. As soon as you consume a dude's eye and nose going towards his mouth. They showed a picture of the guy.

Have you seen it? Okay, Marcus. I'll pull it up. RG, I'm going to need you to look at a picture. It's really going to be romantic. You're a normal fella. You don't usually look at gore, right? I don't like gore.

I'm doing this for the sake of the podcast. Yeah. Marcus, can we get a line done? I don't really want to. I don't want to. Have you seen it, Kev? Yeah, I've seen it. Have you seen it yet?

I have not seen it. Okay, Holden, you have to see it for the sake of this podcast. Okay. Have you seen it, Kev? Yeah, I've seen it. Holden, have you seen it yet? I have not seen it. Okay, Holden, you have to see it for the sake of this podcast. Jim, have you seen it? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to give it like a two-second look. Yeah, that's all you need because it will be with you for days and hours. I can't stop saying it.

I'm going quick. I'm going quick. Oh, it doesn't matter how fast you go. If you're at home right now, I think it's on Gawker, right? Yeah, that's where I'm going for it. Yeah, they have surveillance footage, too. He ate him for 18 minutes. Yeah, 18 minutes. He's just like... I don't want to see this now. Wait, don't we... You don't'm going for it. They have surveillance footage, too. He ate him for 18 minutes. Yeah, 18 minutes.

He's just like... I don't want to see this now. Wait. You don't want to see it. No, it is one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen. It is... Dude, I've been having such a great day. It's going to ruin it.

It's going to ruin everything. No, it's going to be a good day because you're not that guy. That's not going to happen to you. You're not that guy. You're a little better than I am. I can't wait to see it again. Yeah. No, not me, see it again Apparently the fellow

The Popo character who got his face eaten off He was one of the nicest homeless guys around in Miami And okay, RG's about to look at the picture Oh my god It looks like His face was just put up Against the side of one of those deli slicer things That's what it

That's what it fucking looks like Really show holding Look at the eye the side of one of those deli slicer things. That's what it fucking looks like. Really show Holden. Oh my god. Look at the eyeball. It doesn't look like... What are you thinking, Holden? That's too much. That's too much.

There's the photo of the dead guy. How is he still alive? You can see four bullet holes in the guy's back. How do they fix that? How is that guy still alive? They're not going to. No, he's fucking homeless.

They said he's alive. He's still in the hospital. He's alive. He's in critical condition, but he's homeless. I don't think they're going to give this guy a face transplant. He's not like that rich bitch in France. There's no way. He's just gone.

Fuck. That was so disgusting. A fan of his whole face. That's worse than I thought it would be. That's less face than I even thought it would be It's just a chin That's it Just a chin It's gone

The face is gone I just love that the guy who was eating his face Respected the beard border He's like I'm not crossing over the beard That's a nice looking fucking beard There's a ring of hair around it Oh god I wish there was a picture of his face before that,

so you could do a little before and after. There is. I can show you. Look. How did that picture even get fucking online? It's the internet, man. That's taken from the paramedics who showed up, and God knows what the fuck they thought.

Is that it? Yeah, it's a real picture. Fuck, God. I'll tell you what, it can't be that bad. I've seen everything. Goddamn, sucking down his soap. The Chris Farley sketch. Exactly.

Yeah, that's some nasty shit. I'm glad I'm drinking already. Yeah, thank God. It's really quite brutal. You gotta say something, Eddie? Give a description of the face. You always do such nice ones of those. Oh, well, you know, it looks like RG had a pretty good... Imagine you're on a speedboat,

and you put your head on the fucking... You try to kiss the blade. The kiss... What it looks like is that if you've ever seen Pet Sematary 2, whenever Clancy Brown gets the dirt bike and shoves it into the bully's face and fucking revs it up, that's what it looks like. Not enough skull, though. I was going to say, if he does it again or we get someone else to do this,

I want to get down to the meat. I want to see Chompy. Aye, aye, aye, aye, skeleton. Man, his eyeball is like two inches lower than it should be. Is that where it? Yeah, look, because there's the nose cavity right there, and it's right parallel to it. Oh, it stops. That's good.

No, Kevin, don't do it. Your face was just fucking grass, and somebody just mowed right over it with a lawnmower. I thought it was a different angle. Wow. That's it. It puts a whole new perspective on it. It's a whole new... Maybe this is...

What's that one character that He-Man fought? Skeletor. Skeletor. He's got sort of a Skeletor thing. You clean that up a little bit get the blood out. A great villain. He's gotta be a villain now. You can't be a hero. What was the creep show? Was it one or two with the hitchhiker and then she pulls into the garage

thanks for the ride lady and his face is all fucking bugged out like that. It's similar to that, right? It is similar. It's like Pizza the hut from Spaceball. Which also made me want to puke. Parker's foul. The robot starts eating him.

What's the other slightly more lighthearted story about that big beast who was eating tons and tons of food? Let's see this big girl. A Georgia woman named What's the other slightly more lighthearted story about that big beast who was eating tons and tons of food? Let's see this big girl. What's she doing? All right. A Georgia woman named Lonesia Shefay Appling, 26, was so determined to shoplift beer, bacon, cheese, and chicken wings from a Piggly Wiggly that she... What did she want to steal?

Beer, bacon, cheese, and chicken wings. I want to marry her. I love her. From a piggly wiggly, she punched, spit out, and pepper sprayed store workers who confronted her as she tried to flee the supermarket Wednesday afternoon. Lanisha Shefay Appling weighs in at 340 pounds. She's on Atkins. More like Fatkins. God, everyone's so fucking clapping for me.

That was great. Well, hey, alright, Ed. It's not that funny. That joke was like that dude's face. Yeah, yeah, just great. Just everyone loved it. They caught her. They called her on it.

She tried to exit the store. A worker tried to stop her. She pulled out pepper spray, sprayed the dude in the face, kept spraying as several workers tried to keep her from fleeing. The 340-pound Appling also allegedly punched a cashier in the face

and spit on the 28-year-old employee. Then she successfully bolted from the Appling store. Appling was dropping beer cans out of her purse. Here's her full tally right here. Here's the inventory. Five packages of cheese. Eight cans of Coors Light. Vegetable oil.

Vegetable oil is expensive. Chicken wings. And five packages of bacon. Wow! They thought she had two hams too, but that ended up being her tits. God, I don't even think you need the beer cans to follow her. Just follow that smell of type 2 diabetes. You figure she would have gotten more beer than that, that big girl.

Well, she kept on dropping it. Eddie, give a description of what this gorgeous woman looks like. Eight cans. I mean, she looks like Precious. You know, I mean, she's going around stealing chicken. She's a little bit bigger, actually. Yeah. She has nice hair and a beautiful smile. She does have a gorgeous smile.

She's not a bad-looking big girl. She's really not a bad-looking big girl. Kevin, you ever stole any food from a fucking convenience store? I was about to ask you that, Ben. Me? Out of everyone in the room, you're the most likely culprit. I would tell you about how we used to steal food Back in high school

You guys just used to walk in and walk out with beer Yeah we used to just walk in We'd go in groups of 20 We'd walk in and just be like Fuck you And then I'll take two 12 packs And try to arrest us You got away with that every single time?

Three times That was early flash mob shit You guys are so ahead of the curve Did you ever get busted for stealing bacon? No I've never stolen anything Really? Yeah, fuck yeah

I went through a shoplifting phase What did you steal? CDs from a local chain called Nobody Beats the Wiz. Oh, wonderful. Like CB radios? No, CDs. Oh, CDs. Yeah, we used to go in and we'd show up

box cutters and slice off that square foil that would tip off the alarms and then we would throw the CDs in our box. What CDs did you target the most? I don't remember. Foo Fighters, Offspring. Yeah, probably. Eddie Garth Brooks or anything like that. No, no.

Anyone just over there in the No Doubt section stealing fucking Tropic Kingdom? Right, I was stealing Ace of Base for my girlfriend. Oh, that's not bad. I stole the Shawshank Redemption on VHS from Costco. Not bad. Yeah, yeah. A friend of mine was...

I think you'll let somebody go. It's very ironic. Yeah, if you steal friend of mine was I think you'll let somebody go. Yeah, if you steal the Shawshank, every kid should see it. Used to steal cartons of cigarettes from Costco, too.

They had them out on the floor. My sister used to give me her bus pass and be like, go in there and get me a carton of Newports. I'd go in there and

get like two or three, shove them in my backpack and leave, and I got busted there, too. You got busted every time. Oh, okay.

What happened when you got busted? They brought me into a room, and I got busted there, too. You got busted every time? Oh, okay. What happened when you got busted? They brought me into a room, and it was the supervisor. He went to Jewish prison, and that's how he got into entertainment. It was really weird. Yeah, they just brought us into an office in the back, the one with, like, four TVs, you know? Yeah. They pretended like they were the cops, and they just busted our chops for a while until

our parents came and got us, and then the shame alone was enough to make me never go back into there again. Right. But I would just go find somewhere else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I turned 14 and I stopped doing that. Oh, man, you were young enough to get away with it. Yeah, I was like 12 or 13. Yeah, I never did anything past 18 with that shit.

Well, yeah, but 18, you can go to jail for a very long time. 14, I think you're still in the clear. I was 16 when I did all my stealing. I mean, we almost, we had a knife in our pocket. We went and we looted the fuck out of a liquor store and had somebody come up to us who were going to show them the knife, which would have been a goddamn nightmare. But thankfully, we just stole all the whiskey and got the fuck out of there. Because no one noticed. This was before cameras.

Remember that? There wasn't actually cameras everywhere. It was just 15, 14 years ago. Yeah, no, it's wild stuff. Yeah. I didn't really start stealing stuff until I was 18, though. What did you start at 18? You just wanted to make sure you could do jail time for it.

You're not doing this unless there's actual risk. It was more of a philosophical thing with a lot of the stuff that I stole. I mean, it was just food, really. Food and statues and stuff? It was just food, really. I would go to the grocery store. I'm going to fucking steal vegetables. Why the fuck am I going to pay for vegetables when I can pick that off the earth if I live in the right place?

That's amazing. Buddy, that's good. I literally, for like two years, never paid for vegetables. My house was just stocked. I would hustle at Walmart, Xboxes and shit. That's right, yeah. You would get the codes and shit. I would switch out the serial numbers and all that.

You know what? I wasn't for reparations until you just told me that. Every black person should get free vegetables for the rest of their fucking life. Black people should never pay for anything that comes from the ground. They get free corn.

They get free cotton t-shirts. That's for goddamn sure. Anything that was harvested by blacks for 200 years is free to the black person. You don't get Xboxes because I don't think those grew in fucking South Carolina. But I think that's a very good point. Oh, free cigarettes. Free cigarettes. Free cigarettes.

Absolutely. It's great. You deserve it. That's one of the best arguments I've heard in years. Yeah. It's dead on. This is why I live the way that I lived. What we used to do, we used to buy a quarter pound of cheese,

and then we would get a pound of roast beef. Then we'd just switch the stickers on it, and then we'd toss the cheese and just go pay $1.50 for a pound of roast beef. It's a good one. I love the hustle. At Publix, you know, Publix gets them bomb-ass sandwiches and everything, and they have whatever. The chicken was dope, too. I remember it was literally like my motto was like, all that Publix food is free if you just don't go to the register.

Yeah, you don't go to the register. Let's just see. Yeah, you don't go to the pay place. You just walk out the door. Literally right in front of that place, I'll get that food, be like, thank you, and I sit down right in front of them and just start eating. So you eat it in the store? Oh, I love it. Oh, Publix is great because they have chairs next to it.

You just sit down and start eating. If you throw it to trash, you leave. It's a huge buffet. What is Publix? It's like a big grocery store. It's the most wonderful grocery store in the world. My folks moved down to Fort Lauderdale. I've been there for the past four years. Every time for Christmas.

You guys were not lying. The aisles are so huge. You can fit ten people to an aisle. Or four Wisconsin people to an aisle. It is just remarkable. They're so stocked, full of meat, full of cheese

and then they have booze as well. Everything's so fresh. Yeah, it's like just Florida based. I think they started to be in Georgia too but some of them

I've seen have their own like farms in the back. Like there's out where I live like where it'd be like real rural and it's just like it's dope.

Publix is amazing. Yeah. Holden, did you ever steal anything? I mean, I just remember, I feel like I might have done something like once or twice but I was so scared and nervous. Yeah.

I hated it. I just hated everything about it. I'm not big on that stuff. Like, I get so freaked out. I'd be a terrible cat burglar. Like, I would just fucking freak out. I'd just start meowing and shit. I was no good. Yeah, I'm started meowing and shit. I was no good.

Yeah, I'm no good as a thief. Or a poker player. Or a driver. Bad comedian. I can't write very well. Not good at auditions. No one's going to stop you from this rant. This is very refreshing.

I love what you're saying. Give us some time and tell us what you're good at. Feet. Did you say he was good at feet? He's got them. It can't be too bad if you still got them. Will you be my lawyer in court? I got you, bro.

I used to know this chick who worked at Best Buy. She came up with the idea and ran the scam for me. I just had to go do it. We just took a CD rack, took it out of the box, filled it with CDs, and then put it back in the box and then $19.99 for the CD rack

but it's filled with 50 CDs and we'd walk right out. I got one that I remember. When I was working on Blockbuster it was inventory night, which sucked so we had to stay overnight. And Andy, you know Andy, my good buddy, he just showed up, and he was in really good with the manager. So we didn't work there, but she let him just come in and hang out.

And then she would just go into the back of the store, like in the very back, like for long periods of time. So we were just handing him DVDs, and he was just walking through. We were letting him out the entrance door so the alarm wouldn't go off. He was just running DVDs out to his car and coming back in the whole night. We all made out like bandits. That was great because we were all pissed off to fucking be there. We had to be there literally

from closing at like 11 to like 5 in the morning. I remember we went to my buddy's place and smoked a big fat bowl of weed and just looked at all our loot and just laughed our asses off. It was a great night. So there you go. That's one stupid story. That's pretty good one. I had a friend who worked at

a convenience store and she would let me just take things. I don't know why. Most of the time it was just Vaseline and candy. Nice. Well, you gotta get the candy up there somehow. Yeah, it's like Vaseline. I remember there was this one thing, also a blockbuster, where you had to sell a certain amount of pre-sale passes

for Lord of the Rings DVDs. And if you sold a shitload of them, or you were the top seller, you'd get a free Lord of the Rings DVD. But they just came in these huge boxes. So I just blatantly took one. And so did everyone else. It was the worst thing to get you to sell a bunch of shit.

I used to pop out at people in aisles and be like, I'm Gandalf! You have to buy my bitchy something. My bitchy gets so mad at me. I'd just be like, bitch is one of the pigs! She'd be like, go out on the floor and sell stuff. I hate selling stuff. I just immediately got it.

I did it just so she would give me back the register. Then I got shot at. Same stores. It was a fun summer. Speaking of stores, on a little bit of a different subject, Eddie and I, we were talking about this earlier today. Mayor Bloomberg here in New York wants to get rid of any sodas over 16 ounces that have 25 calories per 8 ounce.

In restaurants, not in convenience stores. And movie theaters. And movie theaters. And movie theaters. And fucking 7-Elevens and any bodegas and delis around. Well, it's because of the two of you. Well, no, they still sell like a 2 liter bottle, but you can't buy one with like a straw in it. Yeah, like a fountain drink. So what do you guys think about

this new proposition by fucking Bloomberg? This is fucking anti-fat campaign. You literally can't get a big gulp. You can't get a super big gulp or a mega gulp. You can only get the gulp, which is 16 ounces, under this new Bloomberg idea. Bloomberg's a fucking fat Nazi, and I'm sick of this shit. Just let people be fat. They want to enjoy their big gulp.

Yeah, and smoke. There's so many other problems to deal with. Why would you not just buy two smaller sodas if you were into drinking that much soda? It's not going to stop anything. Okay, and this might sound a little conspiracy theorist, but exactly what Jim just said is, I think, what's really motivating Bloomberg to do this. Yeah, he wants to sort of come off like he gives a shit about the public's health, but he's a businessman at heart.

So I feel like part of his plan is like, let's eliminate the large ones so that customers buy two small ones and end up spending 30 cents more. And then business generates more money. It's possible. I will say, as a fellow who sneaks into movie theaters always with a huge flask of whiskey, I've got to get-sized Diet Coke which has, you know, what is that? 24 ounces? Yeah. Because you gotta dilute the whiskey in a positive way. And how much did he sneak in that one night? It was so weird.

I mean, I went to the movie. It was the middle of summer. I went to the movies with Ben and I sneak in... Well, why are we talking about this? We're talking about Bloomberg here. I know, but this is a much better story. I was like, it was the middle of summer. We're not wearing much clothes. What are you talking about?

Ben sneaks in fucking three 24-ounce beers, a full bottle of whiskey, and a chaser. I can only get one beer. That's the only thing I can sneak in. Where do you put that stuff? Man, I used to be 380 pounds. God gave me drawers. Man, I used to be 380 pounds. God gave me drawers.

I can fucking open up fucking pieces of lard and skin that you can't even imagine exists. I'm a man of a million pussies. I'm going to steal that lady who robbed the grocery store. Oh, absolutely. She just put shit in a bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to act more like that big fat bitch from that Jane's Addiction

video back in the day. Put it between her legs. Pull up your hoo-ha. But nonetheless, I mean, you're not going to be able to sneak in that sweet whiskey anymore to the fucking movie theaters and get that nice 24-ounce soda that you always wanted. You'll have to also sneak in a 24-ounce soda. I can't do that! Yes, you can. Yeah, you can. I can. I believe in you, man.

I can do whatever I want. God knows it. Either way, everybody who doesn't live in New York City, you've done a very good thing. Rent's super fucking expensive, and you can't smoke outside. Everything's a fucking shit show here, and Bloomberg's one of the worst mayors I've ever fucking seen in my life. It's terrible. And the only reason crime is down is because of Raymond Kelly. Actually, no, crime isn't down at all.

Crime is doing better than it was for the past fucking 50 years. It's better than it was before. In the last six years, it's gone up and up and up. The murder rate, I found this out from Jim Polk, the attorney. From New York Crime Report. Yeah, from New York City Crime Report. They're about to release the statistics. The murder rate's going up.

The crime rate's going up. Everything's going to shit. And bath salts are all around. Is it a coincidence? It is going to be a wild summer. It's going to be a fucking nutso summer, man. I'm real scared. Watch your hands. I think everyone's going to get got this summer.

Every single person one time. You're going to get punched in the face, get your wallet stolen, get robbed. Everyone's getting got this summer. I'm due for a punch in two years. I'm definitely due for a punch right now. Hey, it's nice to be on the L train today. My general 8 a.m. greeting.

You always have an umbrella with him for some reason. It's really weird. Glad to be going to work. You glad to be going to work? Yeah, I mean, what would you rather have? What was that? It was the chimpanzee attack with that gal. She had her hands ripped off, her face ripped off, and I think he ate some of her feet.

Or the fella who got his face gnawed off by the dude. Who would you rather be? Because she lived, and I think this homeless guy's going to die. I'm going to go with, wasn't the homeless guy also on bath salts who was getting his feet? No, no, He was just relaxing. No, he was asleep on the causeway. Yeah, he was just catching a couple of Z's next to the highway.

Guy comes along and attacks him. I'm going to go with Monkey Woman. First of all, she's got the dough, as we discussed earlier, to have the face transplant. And she probably had a decent life up to that point if she's fucking hanging out with pet monkeys.

She's living like Michael Jackson. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to go with Monkey Woman. I'm also, somehow I feel like it was less upsetting and painful. I don't know why. It took just as many shots to take that monkey down, man. Well, you know how long the attack lasted?

18 minutes. And, and on the monkey woman it did? No. On the zombie. Yeah, right. Exactly. Boom. Definitely monkey woman. Happened fast. Like, bam, bam, bam, you know? Jim, what do you want? Jim twos. I'm gonna have to go monkey woman

two. You would rather be the monkey woman? Well, like, I don't know. Well You would rather be the Monkey Woman I don't know Here's the other thing I don't know at what point you just go into shock And don't realize what's happening If you're getting your face chewed off By a guy You were asleep on a causeway

Underneath a bridge In the shade And that's how you're woken up Apparently he was woken up by the guy punching him. This Eugene character punched him. And then he got knocked unconscious and then he woke up as the paramedics came to pick him up. So he woke up and his face was off.

That's what happened to the guy. In the video there's a lot of struggling between the two of them. You can see the guy tries to run away and the other guy keeps grabbing him and throwing him down the ground and punching him and kicking him. And then you see him just going straight down for that face and just... Geez.

Yeah, I got to go monkey. It's much quicker. It's also... That whole time, if you're on the side of a highway, you have no... The torture you're enduring for that amount of time as you're watching people drive by and maybe slow down being like, what the fuck? No, no, that's not happening.

It was the bicyclist that came upon him. He was moving slow enough to realize what was happening. He was riding on the causeway. How's he eating the dude's face off and keeping him down? I don't understand how that... He knocked him out unconscious.

And this guy is also huge. Eugene is gigantic. And this guy is a skinny little... Yeah, a little skinny 65-year-old. 65, yeah, yeah. How big is Eugene? He's like 6'2". Yeah, yeah, he's a big dude.

Muscular as fuck. Would you rather be the monkey or Eugene? Monkey. Because I you rather be The monkey Or Eugene Monkey Monkey Because I would rather be Eugene I feel like Eugene Was having a great time

Eating that dude's Fucking face I want to live A monkey's life That's just Straight up what it is This monkey used to be A movie star

Yeah Was he? Yeah yeah It was big time in Hollywood Lonzo went to Bitburg Plus monkeys are hilarious Exactly man Probably after that attack, he probably went

clownetry. He didn't get shot six times. You're a monkey. To you, that's just like running an obstacle course. It's just fun. I bet this Eugene guy's never even worn a bow tie. It depends. Yeah.

Oh, man. And speaking of shootings, we have a story out of Detroit. Oh, someone got shot in Detroit. Let's all write a news story about it. Witnesses say that two men in the Brightmoor neighborhood of Detroit were so passionate about the way they make Kool-Aid, they started arguing with each other who does it better. Sadly, that fight took a horrifying turn when they both

pulled out guns and started firing at each other. They did not hit each other, but did hit two innocent bystanders and put them in the hospital. This is the most truthful Detroit story since RoboCop. They were fighting over Kool-Aid?

They were fighting over who makes the best Kool-Aid. Neither of them. They don't do good with Kool-Aid? They were fighting over who makes the best Kool-Aid. Neither of them. They don't do good with Kool-Aid. The recipe's on the back of the packet. Whoever's the closest to that. Apparently they both have special recipes. Was there alcohol in the Kool-Aid? It doesn't say what exactly the Kool-Aid was all about.

One purple, one red. Two purples! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. It's nice to see small business coming back to Detroit. That's very nice. That's capitalism. It's probably like a code word. Kool-Aid for something else.

No, it was literally Kool-Aid. Literally. How old were these guys, man? They really don't have a lot of... Two and three. It's a problem. That makes sense. It was the day after Hand to Baby a Gun Day in Detroit,

which is a yearly festival they had. They got to stop doing that. Everybody was like, those two have been going at it for years Just let them fight it out Just let them settle their differences It does seem like the only Shootout that could be in a Rugrats cartoon

Rugrats go to Detroit It's just called rats Detroit's the worst place in the world It's just called rats. Detroit's the worst place in the world. You can buy a whole city block there. We could pull together money right now. We could literally play the game of Monopoly in real life in Detroit. Roll die and walk around Detroit and buy shit.

That sounds fun. So what's going to happen to these guys now? They didn't shoot each other? They just shot two innocent bystanders? Yeah, yeah. They just shot the people around them. Wow. How many people got shot? Two.

So there wasn't a lot of people involved in the shooting. So there was just like one person at each line? Yeah, it was just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm imagining they're at a party of some sort. There are very few details in this story. There were the two hype men. We each had a hype man. And the hype man of the opposing team got shot.

And not the Kool-Aid man. Now, Jim, you're from the Midwest, right? I spent ten years in Cleveland. How does Cleveland compare to Detroit? I spent 10 years in Cleveland. How does Cleveland compare to Detroit? It had a lot of the, like, I think Detroit's heyday and Cleveland's heyday were probably on par. And they probably happened around the same time.

But Detroit got a lot worse a lot sooner and stayed bad. Like, Cleveland's tolerable. Detroit's one of the only major cities in the Midwest that actually has a large black community Milwaukee has a little bit but Cleveland, it's relatively white, right? I don't know I don't know the numbers but Cleveland's pretty segregated There's like west side white people

They're called the Browns The Browns? That's true Cincinnati is full of tigers They're the bangles And in Wisconsin Full of fucking homosexuals The Packers

Pack it on weight Pack it in the fudge People used to get so upset If you would say the Green Bay Butt Packers, I saw three fistfights in bars happen because somebody would say that from Minnesota. We used to call them the Green Bay Fudge Packers. It's fantastic. They might as well be.

There's a lot of gay shit that goes on in Wisconsin. Did you like growing up in the Midwest? I didn't grow up there. I grew up on the East Coast. I was in Cleveland from the time I was like 20 until I was 27. Oh, so you went there later in life. So you're dumber than all the people who were born there. You chose to go there as an adult.

I got stationed there when I was in the Coast Guard and then when I got out... You were in the Coast Guard? What coast is in Cleveland? Lake Erie, dude. Lake Erie. You were guarding... Oh, thank you for your service, Jim. Guarding Lake Erie from the Loch N you for your service, Jim. Guarding Lake Erie from the loctus monster and a bunch of fucking

fat chicks bathing. What were you doing at Lake Erie? Something's brewing in them waters. It's weird, man. Everyone's farting. Yeah, the fish are still dead. Okay. Was there any experience

you had in the Coast Guard? I was protecting us from Canada So 9-11 happened on your watch While you were in Lake Erie Did you feel a little pride? I actually worked in the federal building I wasn't on the water You weren't even in

I was on a ship for my first year in And we went back and forth You went fishing and swimming No, that was in Jersey I was on a ship for my first year in. And we went, like, did all the bullshit. Just back and forth. You went fishing and swimming. No, that was in Jersey. That was in Jersey. We went up to Canada and down to Puerto Rico. But then the last three years, I was in the federal building in Cleveland.

Were you on a carnival cruise line by any chance in this show? No, no. It sounds like a great vacation. Wait, wait. Down in Puerto Rico, did you do any, like, drug busts or anything? No, we caught some guys sounds like a great vacation. Wait, wait. Down in Puerto Rico, did you do any, like, drug busts or anything? Uh, no. We caught, uh, we caught some guys

that had just made a drop and they're, uh, they were in, like, what do they call those? The cigarette boats? Like, those gray boats that just have these huge engines on the back.

Yeah. And they had just dropped off whatever they were carrying and, uh, since they didn't have it on them, we couldn't really do anything. So, that was a close one. That was my, that was my almost adventure story. So that was a close one. That was my

almost adventure story. How do you know they dropped anything? Because they do a thing called an ion scan swipe where they wipe out the insides of the compartments. And then they run it through this machine and it tells you traces of whatever was on there. And there was a bunch of gasoline

which is what they use to clean out the residue of the drugs so that the ions can't swipe, can't pick up. So they won. Well, they didn't win because they had broken down, which is how we found them, and then we didn't do anything. We just didn't find the drugs, and then we just left. Cheers, the old red, white, and blue.

It's Fleet Week here in New York. Has it hurt your feelings when all the Navy seamen call you a faggot? They don't know my history. It's the only group of people where fucking people in the Navy are like, Those guys are gay as shit. It's the weakest branch of the military. It's so easy to get into the Navy. It's not that easy to get into the Coast Guard.

Yeah, you have to have decent ASVAB scores. What's an ABVAB score? You have to like the show ABVAB? ASVAB. It's the Army SATs. Oh, okay. And that's all just about how far you can piss off the fucking... What do you call that?

Deck? Yeah, yeah. It's your fucking mopping skills. So you tie knots. It's like the next... You have nimble fingers. It's like the next Adam Sandler movie. The Coast Guard versus the Navy in a football game or something.

It's super great. The Coast Guard isn't big enough to have a football team. Neither of them win when a marine drone just comes and blows up the entire show. Well, that's great. Any experiences that you had with the Coast Guard that were dangerous? That were dangerous?

Yeah. When I was on the ship, we were in a really crazy... Did you ever take the boat by Detroit? No. That was too dangerous. We got Kool-Aid here! Kool-Aid! We better get the fuck out of here!

They got real good Kool-Aid! And speaking of which, we have a segment from Old McNeely. Alright, it's another round of the newlywed game. Everybody get your sheets of paper and your pens. Then we don't complain about it. No, we didn't just do that. You guys have been writing newlywed game packets and you've been

talking about it all the time. Like we're going to fucking get hired for the goddamn newlywed game. God damn it, what was the response that I had to write? Some dude was like, finish this question. You have to bring home blank. You have to go out of your way to bring home blank. And the dude said cheese.

And I said, well, hey, you might not be wealthy, but at least you're going to bring home some cheddar. And that was a joke. It's the worst thing I ever fucking wrote in my life. I did a similar one. Hire me, newlywed game show. I did a similar one. By the way, GSA, the game show network,

they just fucking piloted a new American Bible trivia. Hosted by Jeff Foxworthy. Oh, God. I think I'm right in their wheelhouse. Holden, I think we're going to get it. I think they fucking love us. Well, we put the round table on our resume, so...

Hope you listen. Holy shit, you guys seriously put round table on your resume? I went in for the interview. It's dog shit, Kissel's shit list, Roundtable, everything. And she was just like, oh, you like the word shit. And I was like, yeah, I'm friends with Holden from the sketch group Murder Fist.

Oh, okay, great. There's no fucking way. Security showed up. Yeah, exactly. Alright, so Ben and Kevin, you're on a team, and Ed and RG are on a team. Jim's coming in at the very end with the bonus question.

I'm going to start with Ben. Kevin, you have to guess. Ben's going to write it down, his answer, and you have to guess it. All of these, by the way, this is double deluxe newlywed game. They're all two-parter questions for bonus points. Five points in answer. Alright, Ben. What age did Ben

lose his virginity and what was the weight of the woman? If you get it within... How many do we want to say? I'd say within 20 points. Within 20 pounds, you mean? 20 pounds. Point to pound.

That's a slim... When the girls Ben was dealing with, there's such 20 pounds. Dang. Point to pound. That's a slim. When the girls Ben was dealing with, there's such a range. I mean, we're talking Wisconsin. I know, man. And we're talking Big Ben. Oh, my God, yeah. So she had to be. No, no.

Well, no. That's fine. Yeah, so that's the thing. Yeah, so Ben, have you written yours down? Yep, I got it. All right, Kevin, are you ready to answer? Yeah, man. written yours down? Yep, I got it. Alright, Kevin, are you ready to answer? Yeah, man. 15 210

Ben? If I had gotten late at 15, she would have been 210. But I got late at 18. I was much more attractive. Just got third in state in wrestling and she was 155. 5'1", was 155. 5 for 1 but 155.

Alright, zero points thus far. Okay, RG, this question's for you. I mean, well this is... Ed's gonna write it down, I'm sorry, and you're gonna guess it. Okay, this question's about Ed. Don't look over here, little buddy. It's a two-parter but they are actually unrelated sadly enough.

How many bad women has Ed fucked? Oh, Jesus. Come on. This is talking... Bad women. How many regretful women? Yeah. How many trashy, skanky, terrible women?

He doesn't regret the trashy, skanky ones. What makes a bad woman? Makes a bad... Ed knows. Ed knows. It's a relative thing. He knows the number. Ed knows. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah.

And how many times has Ed been slapped by his mother? We're talking open-faced slapped. She's like... Approximations. I don't think

Ed knows that. I'll tell you what. Approximations and it'll end in a zero. Can I ask Ed a question before he writes his answer down? Sure. I think he deserves it. Are you the oldest or the youngest in your family? I'm an you what. Approximations and it'll end in a zero. Can I ask Ed a question before he writes his answer down? Sure. I think he deserves it.

Are you the oldest or the youngest in your family? I'm an only child. He's an only child and his mother hit him a lot. Okay. It's a big number. The latter number will be a larger number. I'm saying slapped, by the way. Not hit with an iron or with a belt. Don't include the times you were hit with an iron.

I'm still counting women. And in slapping, let's say over under ten. Yeah. What's the over under on women? Over under on women, three. Three. Yeah. Okay. It's an entirely different game if you're going over and under for these fucking angels.

Which is funny. I feel like they are unrelated But in a way they are related Yeah, kinda We got fucking screwed No, no, no, we gave you an over-under on the weight Alright Alright These are much larger numbers though

Okay, what are you doing RG, how many bad women? I'm gonna say 9 on the women And then on the slaps I'm going to say a conservative 45. Holy shit! We are 6 on the women and 45 on the slaps.

Good point! Oh my god! You can see a man's pain by looking in his eyes. Good job, Archie. You fucking asshole. That is un-fucking, RJ. You fucking asshole. Unbelievable. That is un-fucking-believable. That is fantastic.

All right, Ben. This question's about Kevin. Kevin, you're going to write your answer down. Okay. All right, so what is the longest period of time Kevin's played StarCraft for by the hour? Consecutively. Consecutively. And how many times during that marathon did he stop

to masturbate? I'm going to go with... Wait, hold on. Kevin's writing his answer. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say 17 hours and zero. 17 hours and zero. And the over-under on this is the hours, five, and masturbation, two.

So over five hours or above two? Two on masturbations. One on masturbations. One on masturbations. One on masturbations, so that means either one or negative one. If it's over under. Six and one? We should play on averages.

Yeah, play on averages. That's fine. Six hours, one time masturbated. I would say zero time masturbated, really. Oh yeah, well Kevin, what's your answer? It's eight hours, no masturbation. I would say zero time masturbated, really. Kevin, what's your answer? It's eight hours, no masturbation. Stay focused. There you go.

Five points. Kevin doesn't jack off. Kevin, when's the last time you jacked off? Today, man. Oh, hey! Good for you. Good for you. I'll try to turn it around. Alright, now it's time for the dream team.

What's up? How you doing? What's happening? Where's the dream team? They nailed that crazy art question. With a Jordan Epiphan of this shit. It's about RG. Alright. What middle school sport, other than basketball,

did RG play Because I would guess basketball by looking at them Yeah And And the way he feels about how he played that sport Would he say he was Terrible as fuck Pussy awful

Or pretty shitty Terrible as fuck. Ed, I believe in you. Let's see awful or pretty shitty. I'm going to go... Have you written this down? I got it. I'm going to go baseball and pretty shitty.

Baseball. Terrible as fuck. Terrible as fuck. Five points. Right now as fuck. Five points. Alright, so right now it's 15 to 5. Okay. Well, this last question is worth

20 points. Let's say 20 points. This question is worth 20 points. So nothing else even matters. Exactly. That's how all game shows work. Welcome to life Now this question is a Jim question

Both teams are going to Confer and come up with an answer Together on this So you guys can Deliberate between Each other secretly I don't know what you're rolling Jim you gotta write this down

At what age was Jim each other secretly. Yeah, Jim, I don't know what you're rolling. Jim, you gotta write this down. He never writes a thing for another person. At what age was Jim when he first tried to beat off? And this is whoever gets closest. When he first tried? Babies try. Talk to your

teammate. I'm saying that he remembers. Are we answering the same question? I can hear them when they talk. I'll tell you what, let's make it a two-parter. The first time he tried to beat off, and did he come? The first time he tried to beat off, and the first time he came.

What first age did he try to beat off, and what was the first age that he came? And it could be the same age. Could be? Like it. Alright, same age. Could be? Like it. Alright. Do we have our answers? Alright. We got one.

You got yours written down, Jim? Alright. We're doing some deliberation. Jim, you ready? Alright. R.G. Ed? Can I get one more question before we start? Sure. You may ask, but it may not be answered. Alright. The age he beat off is the first one. The age he tried to beat off.

Also, in the second one, did he come? What age was he? What age did he come? Age he tried and age he came. Age he tried, age he came. By coming, do you mean... Ejaculate. Shoot jizz out of your cock.

That's a terrible question. So have the two Jews go first. Jews, what do you got? Okay. We have things written down where it was 12 when he tried and 14 when he came. Okay. We went with 8 when he tried and 12 when he came. Jim?

Jim? Correct answer was 11 when I tried. Sorry, Archie. 13 the first time I remember. We win. Damn, Archie had it. Archie had it. I wrote both.

I wrote those down. So, hey, we can't wait. We won. We were closer. Archie's the king, man. Look, 11 and 13, man. Wow. God damn. God damn. But, yeah, Eddie, since you fucked up. so hey where the fuck we were we were closer our team's the king man look 11 and 13 wow god damn

but yeah Eddie since you fucked up I did Ben and Kevin win you're such a fucking idiot you got a job

after a trip to Bermuda for your second honeymoon as soon as they allow interracial marriage in New York KB and I are

going to get fucking wedded bastards god damn it alright is that the program? That's it. That's the program. Thank you so much for listening, everyone.

Ed Larson, Holder McNeely, Kevin Barnett. Thanks, RG and Jim. Thank you. You guys are great. I'm Ben Kissel. We'll talk to you soon. Fuck off! Well, I think I'm going to die tonight, but I don't care.

Yes, I think I'm going to die tonight, and I don't care Yes, I think I'm gonna die tonight And I don't care