The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode277: Polar Bear Propaganda

Episode Date: February 22, 2016

The gang is joined by Amber Nelson, Andrew Short, Reid Faylor, and Walter Replogle to talk about an 18 year old passing himself off as a Doctor in Florida, the unfortunate demise of the animal inhabitants of the Calgary Zoo, and to find out the winner of Round Table of the Year 2016!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

gentlemen, always civility. Okay, holding your own prayer today. All right, everybody close them beepers. We're going to do a guided meditation. Okay, open your eyes. We're good. All right, welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everyone. Let's see here. Jackie can't be here. She's filming the roundtable of gentlemen, everyone. Let's see here.

Jackie can't be here. She's filming a web series. Oh, but it's Amber Nelson instead. I'll film your web series. Yeah, yeah. Any web series you want. I got a web series. It's a single cam.

Takes place on a black couch. You want to be on it? No. All right. I'm Ed Larson, and I will be in your web series, Ben. That really puts me in an odd position that I have to tell Amber that it was a sexual thing I would have done. Great. So when's it going to air, do you think, Ed? Oh, no, I'm ready.

Whenever you need to film it, I'm ready. Whenever, huh? Ed is the couch. There's a couch right there. We can do it right now. It's black. It's black, yeah. You have my blessing.

It involves sexual, oral. We can do it right now. It's a black couch. It's black. Black, yeah. You have my blessing. It involves sexual, oral- Rock and roll. All right. Ben and Ed are going to go off now and film their fun little web series while we continue to do an episode of Round Table of Gentlemen. All right, so we'll check in with you guys when you get back. I'm excited.

Well, it's just nice to have Castus. Oh, he's getting lit. All right, he's slapping himself in the chest there. He's getting ready. Stretching out. I lost the camera. Actually, I lost the camera. Isn't it crazy?

Marcus, you're here. Hi. We never introduced you. You should say hello. Oh, yes, hello. That's why we don't do that. We get him at the end. We get him there.

I know, but we never... Oh, they know he's here. All right. We say, Mark, it's time for a news story. That's when I come in. Holdenators, hi. No. Holdenators, ho.

Welcome to your PlayStation Network shout-outs. Morning Light Shaman asked me to call Charles McSmoke a knuckle-dragging, potato-humping inbred. Irish inbred. Chris Ayala is a piece of shit. Schmidt Sauce is a piece of shit. Sir Snippy, don't get murdered. Shout out to Sir Snippy.

He got stood up last night. And he's a soldier. Whoever stood him up deserves to be kicked out of the country. Yeah, she's a complete piece of shit. And she's probably should be dragged her through the street. Yeah, I can't believe she stood up Sir Schnippy. There you go, yeah. Why would she do that?

Tape disappointing soldiers to the VA. That's right. Remove her breasts from her. I'm kids safe as kids safe, and big aloha time is a complete piece of shit. This has been your PlayStation Network. Shut up. It's Twitch.

See me on Twitch. Holden, I just have. I can't wait until PlayStation finds out that you say their name at the top of every one of our shows. Yep. That's going to be a lawsuit. Oh, yeah. I'm here, man. It's Kevin.

Me. Here. Today. There we go. Very good's Kevin. Me. Here. Today. There we go. Very good, Kevin. Yeah. All right. With us, we got Reed Fowler and Andrew Short.

Ooh. Two best friends. Two fresh boys. Two fresh boys who love each other. Here's a little shout-out to Andrew. Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka. This one comes from Reed to Andrew. Andrew, you're my best friend.

This one's going out to one of my favorite listeners He's a really fresh boy Sweet young man Oh who could it be? His name's Reed Failure That was our messages to each other And I'll tell you what guys If you send me a message on PlayStation Network

I'll give you a shout out next week Very nice Alright Walter Rapogla From Roundtable of General next week. Cuckoo. Very nice. All right. Walter Rapogla from Roundtable of General... This is Roundtable of General.

From Murder Fist is also here. How's it going, everybody? All right. So we'll go to Walter whenever questions of oohs

come up and how they drip. All right. So, Marcus, you're here and you have a news story. Yes. A South Florida teen

was arrested on Tuesday and charged with practicing medicine without a license after allegedly setting up a fake medical practice and passing himself off as having a Ph.D. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Malachi Love Robinson. Malachi? Malachi Love Robinson, yeah.

So there's more than one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 18 years old. He was arrested after he allegedly performed an examination on an undercover agent and offered medical advice. All right. So this story. He's dreaming big.

He is. OK. So this story went national. It's massive. Can we say the race of the child? He's a young black kid. He's a little bit heavy. He's got a mohawk.

He speaks unbelievably well. Well enough to pass himself off as a Ph.D. I'm going to say I'm all for what he did. I hope they don't put him in prison. They should put him in school. I think so, too, man. This is a beautiful example of black progress in Florida, man. They try to keep us down at every step.

This could have been you. It could have been me. I didn't think of it first. There's no problem. I'm over here fucking wasting my time every Sunday doing this podcast. Right. I'd be helping all types of people down there with my fake medical practice. Well, you would have been like a fake bird doctor or something like

that. Yeah, that would be nice. That would be the best of work. Now, did this kid perform surgery on anybody? It was just examinations. He set up a fake medical practice, advertised, said, hey, everybody, I'm a doctor. Come on out and see the doctor man. It's me.

He took a shot. Don't people have Google, though? Isn't there some onus on the participant? I mean, do you just walk into anybody's house that says they're a doctor? Google the guy's name and see if he exists. Well, he named his practice New Birth, New Life, Holistic and Alternative Medical Center and Urgent Care.

You can tell he's not a doctor already. Why? Yeah, it doesn't sound very official. That's a long name to yell when you got shot. Hospital. Oh, God. Take me to the emergency medical center. Let's see.

He claimed to be a doctor of psychology. The center's website listed Love Robinson as one of three staff members and included a statement that described him as, quote, a well-rounded professional that treats and cares for patients using a system of practice that bases treatment of physiological functions and abnormal conditions on natural laws governing the human body. From what I understand of this story, no one actually complained. It was just the FBI informant that went in and obviously found out

that he wasn't a real doctor, but it seems like his clients were okay. Yeah, and this was the third time. He had been investigated twice before and they just signed off on him. He passed! Yeah, he passed two out of three times. It was the third time they got him, though. Did he give bad advice or did he give

good advice? He kept saying, boobies, your boobies, ma'am, have cancer. Ma'am, we should test your boobies for lumps. I'm sorry, but you're going to need a lot of boobie kisses. Fixed up. Bad doctor. About a year ago in January, he allegedly donned a doctor's coat and roamed the halls of a local hospital, but no charges were filed after it was determined that he did not enter patients' rooms or perform medical procedures.

He was just walking around with a doctor's coat on. That's fine. Yeah, but Dr. Oz does that all the time. Yeah, that's a very good point. He got a TV show out of the damn thing. Catch me if you can. I can, Eddie. You're morbidly overweight.

You can't catch me. I can catch Eddie. You're morbidly overweight. You can't catch me. I can catch you. Oh, is this a challenge? Let's see. Let's videotape this. Ed will run down the street. We'll do it after the show. I got to train for this.

Right, right. We'll give him a month. Who's your trainer, Ed? Who's my trainer? To get strong and fast? Yes. Fuck, who's strong and fast that I could ask? I say you tie a rat to a stick and you fight it every night.

Amber's my trainer. Amber wins the training job. But she's not accredited, so that's illegal. So if you have to run and catch him, does that mean that he has to, like, by catch, does he have to, like, wrestle you to the ground and pin you? I just got to grab him. I thought it was a race. No, no, no.

He has to catch you. You get a little bit of a head start, and then Ben's just got to get you, tackle you down. So it's like an endurance thing. Yeah, yeah. You have to. You don't got to train for that shit, man. This is Ben.

I mean, just by default. No, I'm saying Ed. He's got long arms. But Ed just seems sturdier than you, man. You got all this loose skin, and you're fucking laughing all over the place. I'm going to show up fucking tidy while he's oiled to the bone. Well, you know what, though, Kevin? My loose skin can be used as a deadly weapon.

It's a suffocation device. The only way your loose skin would be an advantage if Ed ran straight towards you and you just kind of like went move quick and I got off to the side and you caught him in a net down your skin. Yeah, like a dolphin hunter. You know, there's also the hiding option that we're not even talking about here. There's a whole element of hiding here that we would get into as well. So if you got enough distance on him, you ran around enough corners,

got away from enough, you could hide in many different spots. Are there big enough buildings in New York for you to hide behind? That's a good joke, Andrew, about the size of Ed. Love that joke. You're bigger. That's why I like the joke not being about me. We're not even going to get into who's bigger here. That's all years worth of conversation.

Who's larger, bitter Ed? Oh, man, who are you? What? Me? I'm working on it. You lost 20 pounds. You look great. I lost 16 pounds. I weighed great. I lost 16 pounds. I weighed myself naked and wet this morning. You're supposed to weigh yourself wet.

He didn't get out of the shower. He just weighed himself naked and wet. When I get the cysts removed, that's going to be 5 pounds right there. I'm kind of checking in with that as well. Probably 21 pounds foreseeing the cyst removal. Sister, sister.

Sister, sister. Oh, yeah. Mushface sent us an awesome illustration of my cysts. I should send that out so you guys can see it. He called it sister, sister. Okay. Very nice. That just makes my bones rattle.

All of this. It's like I can smell it. It's just dead skin cells, guys. Oh, man. I can't wait for him to cut them open and just find teeth and T-shirts inside. I'm going to try to keep the gunk. I'm going to try to keep it in a little vial. Oh, yeah.

You're getting it. I don't think that you can't just keep everything the doctor removes from your body. You can ask. You definitely can ask. Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty sure when I got the cyst from the first cyst on my neck, I have a different one now, I was able to keep the gunk in a little vial.

Why would you keep the gunk in a little vial? To give to a friend. Who did you give it to? Then you get some. I think I gave it to Ryland. Oh, you did give it to Ryland. Yeah, I gave it to the lead singer of Cobra Starship. Yeah, but they're not together anymore.

Yeah, they're broken up. I think it might have been the cyst. I think it was a curse. Yeah, you gave it to him. Maybe, oh, man, maybe he threw it out, and that's why they grew back. Maybe he threw it out, and maybe that's why they grew back. Oh, it's like a devil spell. Yeah.

All right, everyone. But Lexi calls it my button. I know. You already said that. I know, I know, I know. All right. everyone. But Lexi calls it my button. I know. You already said that. I know. You're fucking disgusting. All right. We covered the button.

That is so gross. So gross. Lexi, what is the spell? There's some sort of trickery. It is not right. All right. So what happens with this young man? Well, this past October, he was issued a cease and desist order after he allegedly

operated another fake medical practice in Boynton Beach. And at the time of the initial investigation in January 2015, Love Robinson's mother told police her son had been diagnosed with an illness and was not taking his medication. The precise illness was redacted from public

documents. This is a picture of the kid right here. I go to him. I go to him. He's probably better than a regular doctor. Yeah. President, CEO, and founder of New Birth, New Life Medical Center and Urgent Care, LLC. I don't know.

Website's still up. I can spot a liar when I see one. Yeah, and what is it about his physical features that make you think he's a liar? His smile. It's too genuine. Yeah. I don't trust anyone with a little bit of, mm, I don't think so, in their smile.

I can see that. Okay. Yeah, it works. He's probably a better regular doctor. I went to the dentist once, and back when I had, like, real fucked up teeth, and she was like, her name was Dr. Fricky. And she's like, so what we're going to do is we're going to crack open...

It's a PE teacher's name. Yeah. We're going to crack open your jaw, slide it forward, so what we're gonna do it's a teacher's name yeah yeah we're gonna crack open your jaw slide it forward and then we're gonna slice off your chin and she was just like i was like a 12 year old child and i was crying in her office she had no like human connectivity she would just like tell me i gotta slice off my chin yeah yeah she probably loves saying that to you i will this'm going to fuck this kid up. 20 years from now, she's going to be talking about that shit on a podcast. Wow, and she also could foresee podcasts.

Brilliant doctor. This kid's bio says that he utilizes physiological, psychological, and mechanical methods such as air, water, light, heat, earth, phototherapy, food and herb therapy, psychotherapy, electrotherapy, physiotherapy, mechanotherapy, naturopathic corrections, and manipulation in natural methods for modalities together with natural medicines, natural processed foods, and herbs and nature's remedies. Great. That's it? That was a long way to say absolutely nothing. Yeah. What, you're not into mechanotherapy? I don't know, man. I feel

like I got a real soft spot in my heart for this young man, and I feel like we should just send him to med school. The kid is 18. He has two businesses. That's amazing! But he is a liar. Yeah, but everyone's a liar. He also said alternative medicine. I mean, that's a hundred things. That's whatever's a liar. He also said alternative medicine.

I mean, that's a hundred things. That's whatever you make it. What's more alternative than not being a doctor? A non-doctor doctor. I like Boynton Beach, too. It's a good town. Yeah, what happens there? You know how much people hang out, drink beer, listen to Jimmy Buffett, go to the beach.

Beach town. Everyone's a doctor. Go to a kid doctor house, and they're like, this is fine. Yeah, that's the thing. So he's serving a bunch of drunks, right? They're at the beach after a Buffett concert and all he has to do is diagnose you had too many margaritas. Job done. I think the kids are really fine.

No one's going to him for cancer treatment. No, well, maybe. And if they did and they died, does anyone there need to stay alive? Well, that's a good point. Is that a harsh way to say it? I don't know. That's all people in Boynton. They're going to stay alive. Well, that's a good boy People in Boyd and they're gonna die anyway Well his actual practice that was actually in a West Palm Beach over on North Congress Avenue. I know where that is

Because he's not a doctor I could afford. How do you know that? Because he's not a doctor. I can give him anything. Yeah. Do you know what's cheap? You get fined under Obamacare if you don't have health insurance. Don't even get me started. Bunch of fucking bullshit. Now, there's a way around that.

You sign up for it, and then you just don't pay for it, and then they cancel your insurance, and you don't get the penalty. There you go. There's Marcus Skin and armadillos. Fucking worldview there. So, what kind of sentence is this kid looking at? I'm trying to find it. I don't think it's going to be too bad. I really hope it's

not, because I know, like, in person and in a police officer, you can go to prison for a couple of years if you do that. Specifically, if you do, like, a stop and search, if you search somebody, I mean, they could get this kid for a lot. Thebi is involved there's a little different than doctor yeah but the fbi is involved here he was touching all over an fbi and the fbi was an fbi it was an fbi sting they got him the third time well it wasn't the fbi it was the department of health's unlicensed activity unit oh much less than the f. They're also unlicensed!

Never mind. It wasn't the FBI. So just a fancy word for snitch? Yeah, exactly. Well, actually, that's what happened is that they got snitched. He did get snitched on. Someone called Crime Stoppers and said, hey, there's this kid. He's 18. He's pretending to be a 25-year-old doctor. You guys go check this shit out. Out of all the crime

that's happening in Florida on a daily basis, crystal methamphetamine is all over the place. There isn't a driver who isn't drunk. They have to nail this kid. Leave him alone. There isn't a driver who isn't drunk. It's Florida. The highways are the best in the country.

They arrest you for being sober. Exactly. You blew a 0.0. You go to prison for seven weeks. If you own less than four snakes, you go to jail. You're in jail. Put him in jail. Does it have to be big snakes?

No, no. They don't have to live indoors. Yeah, that's nice. One time I took a... You just have to feed them. I was out by a friend's trailer, and I took a photo with me and a bird in a cage. And we looked at the photo, developed later,

and there was no bird in the cage. It was a ghost bird. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I don't know what that story had to do with anything. Kind of a non sequitur no bird in the cage. It was a ghost bird. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I don't know what that story had to do with anything. Kind of a non sequitur, but I liked it. Was it in Florida?

It was in Louisiana. They're not really close to each other at all. Completely non sequitur. Both states end with an A. I'll tell you what, there's a lot more ghosts in Louisiana. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Full of ghosts, man.

Ghosts love to swamp. Yeah. I saw a ghost, but it was wearing khaki pants, so nobody believes me. It was a mannequin in a Calvin Klein store or something like that. They're not all ghosts ever. Well, that's very sweet. Alright, so we're all under the consensus.

Don't punish this kid too much. We have a small microphone situation. For those listening on the live stream, this will be edited out. So this is inside information. We all have to share a secret because it's going to be edited out. Just because it's a microphone problem happening with Andrew and I doesn't mean that's a small problem. Good point, Andrew.

That is a good point. You're smallest. Ben, what's your favorite secret? My favorite secret. Your favorite secret that you have. Of all your secrets. I don't know. Go, go, go, go, go.

I almost got killed when I was trying to pass a car going over a hill. Oh, yeah? I was in a jukebox, and I had to accelerate up to 100 miles an hour, and I swerved over, and I just missed a car. I was not wearing a seatbelt. It's not really a hill. Oh, yeah. I was listening to Tupac, and I had to accelerate up to 100 miles an hour, and I swerved over, and I just missed a car. I was not wearing a seatbelt. It's not really a secret. It was just a scary life moment,

and I missed a car about, like, one inch on a two-lane highway in Wisconsin, and I have PTSD from it. It happened when I was 16. That's a story. What is a secret, anyway?

I've never heard that story, so maybe it was a secret. It kind of is a secret. You know? It was a terrifying... I literally should be dead, and every time I think about being sad, I would say, that story so maybe it was a secret it kind of is a secret you know it was a terrifying i literally should be dead and every time i think about uh being sad i would say i survived that one moment it was a very scary moment for anyone who's tried to pass a car going uphill on a two-lane highway

at night wow and what i did accelerate into the oncoming car i remembered that you accelerate in because whatever you break, you're dead. So I accelerated so I could pass the car on the right and swerved over to the right and the other person went a bit into the ditch.

They might have died. Oh, they went to the ditch and you didn't show up? No, no, they kept going. Here comes the real secret. No, no, no. They kept going. No, it's not a horror movie.

No, they kept going. They were totally fine, but it was a very scary moment. I'll tell you what, on the live stream, do not accelerate into the coming car. No, you do. No, you have to. They were totally fine. But it was a very scary moment. I'll tell you what, on the live stream, do not accelerate into the coming car. No, you do. No, you have to.

That's how velocity works. That's a bigger hit. He's a scientist. Yeah, I'm a good driver. Okay, well, not well. That's up for debate. If you don't want to get into a bigger wreck, drive faster. No, I am.

I know what you mean, though, man. If you're about to go out of control, you don't brake. You accelerate and go into the direction you're aspiring. It's like when a deer crosses the road, you don't swerve. You keep going straight, you hit the deer. You hit the deer. Accelerate into the deer. Deer fucking suck.

Deer are the worst. I hit a deer. That's my secret. Did you? Yes. On purpose? No. With a bat?

Yes. No. What did you do with the deer with? With my mother's RAV4. Now, you've got a shitload of wrecks, haven't you? Like, are you a notoriously bad driver? Three or four. One of them happened in the parking lot of my school parking lot, and the other car was parked.

How many times? So you accelerated into it. That's very good. That's what I'm saying. I wanted to look real cool and smooth, and I went real fast in the parking spot. I didn't curve the car. You were one of those kids, huh? Yeah.

Hold on. How many cars have you driven in the past 20 years? How many different cars? How many times have you driven? Oh, in the past. I would say 15 years. Well, I haven't driven a car since college. Yeah.

So that would be- You just haven't driven a car since college? Probably 2004. that would be. You just haven't driven a car since college. Probably 2004. Not once since college? No. Really? Damn. What about when Murder Fist went over to Chicago?

I'll kill people. I'll murder people. It was a 20-hour trip. I'm sure they could have used somebody behind the wheel. I'm not going to die. I'm going to leave the car skipping, screaming for Nancy, but everybody else will die in the other car. Who's Nancy?

Just a lady I once knew. A lady I'm in love with still. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So you're doing a public service by not driving. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you for not driving.

Very good. And we're back. And I got a new story for us. No way. Yeah. Two Calgary Zoo employees have been disciplined for giving an otter a pair of pants leading to its death.

Oh, man. Kevin, I feel like you should just take the lead on this story. I mean, I got so many questions, man. I mean, I bet it made a pretty sweet YouTube video when they filmed it wearing pants. It was a live performance, unfortunately. Yeah. The pants. Kevin, what's your, unfortunately. Yeah. The pants...

Kevin, what's your first question about the story? I mean, it's just like, all right, pants killed his otter. All right. Swimming-wise, he just couldn't swim with the pants. They just were unfashionable.

He got shot up by the otter. How did this work? Well, the pants were given to the animal as a quote-unquote unauthorized enrichment item. The otter became tangled in the clothing and drowned. So it didn't even get to put him on. No, he had the pants on,

but when he was swimming... It's slippery. Yeah, it's slippery. He got all tangled up, maybe got turned upside down and then drowned. They get heavy when they're wet. Pants do. Yes.

And otters. And otters. And hold them. And pee, yes, and myself Zoo curator Colleen Baird said This error is simply unacceptable Yeah, they put pants on the otter Yep, said our animal care protocols

Are among the most stringent in the industry And must be followed We will be reinforcing our protocols With every member of our animal care staff To prevent any incident like this From ever happening again The male river otter named Logan calls with every member of our animal care staff to prevent any incident like this from ever happening again. The male river otter named Logan was seen struggling in the pool last week.

A zookeeper jumped into the pool to its aid, but the 12-year-old otter did not survive. Oh, it was old. But I will say, I guarantee you, it was not on the list of rules to not put pants on the otter. Like, no one was like, they're going to put pants on it. We better make sure. Like, that was an unforeseen incident, right? So many assumptions were made, man. That's the problem. You can put pants on an otter.

It depends on where the otter is. Otter on rocks? Pants. That's when it's in public, yeah. Yeah, but otter on the water. You can't put otter in the water. It's at home. That's what my parents always told me growing up.

Otter in the morn, you gotta be warned. Otter at night, it's gonna die. Weird parents. Yeah. That was such an unconfident retelling of something your parents said. A Toronto-based animal protection organization says using pants as an enrichment item is irresponsible. Julie Woodyer of ZooCheck said it smacks of the kinds of things you might see at a roadside zoo, not in a professional operation. This is...

Oh, my God. We imprison animals, but in the right way. Not like those roadside prison dogs. Remember, Micah Sherman was on, and he talked about honk for zoo. Yes. He went to a roadside zoo. You honk the horn. An old lady comes out and shows you all the animals they got.

That sounds fucking fantastic. She said it was great. While we're making fun of roadside zoos, we need more of that. It employs people. The animals are fed and taken care of. Well, we don't know that part of it. It's just a forest, isn't it? It's just like a woman who's got a bunch of animals.

It's like Honk for Zoo. She comes out. She opens the gate. She shows the animals. She says, you're a fucking... I mean, what am I doing living in... Yeah, what am I doing living in New York doing comedy when I could do roadside zoos?

I could see you running a roadside zoo. Oh, yeah. You would live off... I could see you living off the highway. Hell, yeah. I get a pig and an ostrich. I make money. Yeah.

Only if you can teach the pig to ride the ostrich. Oh, man. So much money. So much money. Well, he better wear pants if he's going to do that. That's true. You don't want to chafe up his. Or put a poopie on the ostrich.

Oh, yeah. That's $2 back. You know those dirty pigs. Customer gets $2 back if the poopie on the ostrich. Oh, yeah. That's $2 back. Customer gets $2 back if the poop gets on the ostrich. I've seen it before. It's an ugly sight. That is an ember knows no rule. An otter dressed up in pants is really cute.

Yeah, it's great. Gotta put it on a rock stove. Well, this is not the first death to occur at the Calgary Zoo under unusual circumstances. I mean, it was cold. It's Canada. A lion in a t-shirt. Oh, my goodness.

An elephant in a scarf. Oh. Who put the hat on the condor? Oh, my goodness. Oh, that's cute. I got a whole, this is like a 10 incident long list here. Let's just start running through them. Oh.

And this is all in the last like 20 years or so. What if it's all pants related? That's a huge deal. In 2013, a female penguin named Fiona died in what was described as a freak accident after it swallowed a foot long stick that ended up in its open air

exhibit area. Not good. The stick was surgically removed, but the penguin died of internal bleeding eight days later. Oh my goodness I'm what? No, hey you gotta leave that stick in there What are you talking about? It's a fucking stick you gotta leave it in you ever hear those stories firefighters come to a scene Somebody's impaled by a tree you gotta leave the tree in leave it in that's actually how which was it Who is the the president that got shot? I think it was Houdini

He was never in the White House That's actually how, which was it? Who is the president that got shot? I think it was Houdini. President Houdini, I remember that. He was never in the White House. Never there. Or was he? Every crisis, he disappeared. Every time they bring him in for a hearing, he'd escape before they could ask him to leave. Oh, my goodness. He molested 27,000 children.

Isn't that what you can't catch him? No, you cannot. The president, he was shot, and they went in and tried to dig the bullet out, and he ended up getting an infection, and it just kept getting worse and worse. If they just would have left the bullet in, he would have survived. JFK. That's right. Just leave the bullet in his head.

I'm just terrifying now. Boy, I only need a band-aid. I don't ever pick it. Jack Yo wiped the brains off of her dress. They could have put them back together and bunched them up. Yeah, Jack Yo should have brought some duct tape with her that day. Just bind them up. I mean, you know, that's fine.

What a bitch. Well, Jack, you're a very good woman. Very good. He's a sweet one. Put up with all his filthy affairs. He was a disgusting animal. He loved to get his penis sucked. A moment of silence for Jack Ruby. All sucked. A moment of silence for Jack Ruby.

All right, a moment of silence for Jack Ruby. In 2012, two zoo employees were disciplined after a gray owl was killed while being transported from one area to another. The bird was fatally injured after it got loose and flew into a gate, which the zoo blamed on a lack of planning and a lack of radio communications between the employees.

Bart Luger, what do you think? I mean, honestly, again, owls are the best of us. Eyes wise, right? They got the best eyes. You should have seen the fucking gate. There ain't no owl out there that respects this owl. Wise owl? Nope. Whichever other owls we got in the popular culture.

Tootsie roll owl? No. He would have done that shit. First off, this one got caught. Yeah. So he's already not a good owl. Right. Well, it might have been a born-in-captivity owl. Look, I spent my whole life looking up owls, man.

You know what Zelda I played? Those days are gone now. I can't trust them. Can't respect them no more. Sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another incident in 2009. An employee was suspended for two days after crushing a female capybara in a hydraulic door.

Whoa, what? I'm sorry. You get fired. Isn't that a fireable offense? What is a capybara? A capybara, they're amazingly cute creatures. They're like 20-pound hamsters? Yeah.

He slammed it in a door? No, he crushed it in a door. The zoo said the staffer was moving the rodent from one enclosure to another and not following proper protocol when the mishap occurred. Just a two-day vacation? Close. That's what they gave him? You get fired?

That's a fireball offense. He killed an animal. This is a capybara right here. Was that the one that died? Delicious. Actually, yeah, that is the one that died. I mean, to be an animal in this zoo,

that's like Guantanamo Bay. It's awful, right? Your buddy's taken out. You don't know where he went. But what government secrets do they have? And that's a bit, they can get up to 140 pounds.

Really? Yeah, they're the largest rodents in the world. It weighs a little more than I do. Gary. You're such a, you're just smaller

than the largest road in the world, Amber. Has anybody told you that? And in 2008, nearly all of these cow nose stingrays in a newly opened exhibit suddenly died

with 41 of the 43 animals perishing. Nearly a year later, the zoo concluded with 99.9% certainty that a lack of oxygen in the water was responsible for their death I'm gonna say they're gonna rename the zoo morgue it is a it is everyone's dead everything dies oh yeah in 1999 the zoo closed what was at the time a controversial polar bear

exhibit after one of the animals died the polar polar bear... Screaming the N-word. Yeah, exactly. That was the... They had a racist polar bear there. It went into rehab. It was fine. Yeah. The polar bear, named Misty, had been prescribed Prozac to control its erratic behavior

and died. Good Lord. Oh, my God. Maybe because it's in a fucking zoo is why it's erratic. It's got five feet of space. All they do is sleep all day. That's a big pharma maneuver, man. It's unbelievable. These

huge pharmaceutical companies are going to the animals to sling their products also. That's disturbing. You know how much Prozac a polar bear needs? A bunch, I guess. How much Prozac does it take to fucking kill a polar bear? Oh my, way too much. What is happening? They gotta get that doctor we talked about

earlier to be the physician who, I guess, you know, gives out the dosage. Polar bears are supposed to kill. He'd do a much better job. Polar bears don't kill. What are you talking about? They don't kill. They drink Coca-Cola and have a great time.

Are you stupid? Do you not watch TV? Oh, dude, that's just propaganda. That's not propaganda. Polar bear propaganda. That's just propaganda, yeah. No, it's not. They're fucking vicious, man.

Polar bears? Yeah. Oh, if vicious means enjoying sugary drinks and rolling around,anda, yeah. No, it's not. They're fucking vicious, man. Polar bears? Yeah. Oh, if vicious means enjoying sugary drinks and rolling around, then yeah, I guess they are pretty vicious. Watch Frozen Earth and watch the fight. It's only, it's in the first like 30 minutes. Watch the first episode of Frozen Earth. See a fucking polar bear fight.

It's insane. Yeah, watch the credits. It's brought to you by Pepsi. It's a lie. I hear that there's towns in Alaska where you have to keep your car your your car doors unlocked because there's so many polar bears and the people Who could have to any minute run into your car? Yeah, really yeah, and that's the thing they're the only species that actually knows how and does pants other species Only one, but it's just like skids, so they just rip the skin off

The only one. But it's just like skin, so they just rip the skin off. Yes, yes. The bruise. I see. They call it panting. Yeah, they call it panting, but they'll do it to a human, too. They'll just pant you. It's just your bones sitting there shaking.

Yeah, sitting there shaking. Then they point at your penis, and they laugh. Oh, I see. That's the problem in Alaska. That's why you keep your car doors open. Because, dude, they can rip off your body up here. That's fine. But the whole shit with your pants, embarrassing.

That is embarrassing. It's so bad. You are right about the Coca-Cola, but the whole shit with your pants, embarrassing. That is embarrassing. So bad. You are right about the Coca-Cola, but it's only during Christmas. Oh, I see. If you're on a date in Alaska, you're screwed. I've got more animal deaths that happened at this Calgary Zoo, leading up to a particularly fun little incident. Before we get to that, though, a spider monkey was fatally crushed by a hydraulic door. They're doing real bad.

What are they doing with the doors? Is it a fucking spaceship? Yeah, no shit. It sounds like the scientific station in the movie The Thing. What's happening? I mean, a hydraulic door did get Harrison Ford, you know, so. Very true. Another spider monkey died from frostbite after it was left outside in cold weather.

Fire everyone. Going to bed that night and being like, I feel like I'm... Oh my god, the monkey! It was just frozen at the window like... That is a different ending to Home Alone that we never got to see. Four feather-tailed

sugar gliders. You guys know sugar gliders. It's delicious. It just got crushed. If it's another hydraulic door. No, it was a foot. Yeah, they got crushed to death either by a human or by a door. During the talent show. It was the door.

It was the door. Do you think someone pulled that zookeeper aside and was like, look, everyone crushes an animal at one point? Yeah, but what's wrong with it? You take the day. I was doing this outdoor show, and it was like pretty, there's a lot of people outside, and then I saw a roadie carrying a box,

and something screaming was in it. It was before I was going to go on stage, like right before. And I was like, oh, what's in the box? And he showed me, and it was a crushed bunny. Somebody, one of the roadies accidentally stepped on it. Oh, so he was doing like that. Only you would know a bunny's scream. Yeah. It was a crushed bunny Somebody One of the roadies Actually stepped on it So he was doing like that Whee Whee Whee

Only you would know A bunny's scream Yeah Yeah yeah Well Well sometimes I mean this was A terrible way

To spend a night But what We used to do Is Alright And then they say Mother And die

It's not as bad As you think it's gonna be What we used to do Is that when you're hunting coyotes, of course coyotes are scavengers, what you do is you get a tape recording of a rabbit screaming and you play that out into the night in the pitch dark and that way coyotes will come and then you shoot them. You kill them.

Wow, that sounds scary. Yeah, yeah. I thought you said hunting cows. Me too, man. You are fucking weird. No, no. Oh, coyotes. I thought you said hunting cows. Me too, man. You are fucking weird. Herding cows. No, no. You don't hunt cows.

They're the most valuable thing around. They're like $1,200 each. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was very confusing for a second. Because, you know, cows are scavengers. I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? What?

I still don't understand what he's saying. Yeah, I guess grass is laying around. Coyotes. Oh, coyotes. Coyotes. You have to call dogs, wild dogs to him and then shoot them in the face. Yeah, of course. Well, I didn't do it myself because I'm not much of a hunter, but I'd hang out.

Yeah. Because you're just sitting there. It's pitch dark. You know, there's nothing but the moon and the stars and someone presses tape or play on a tape player and it's just. How did they get the sounds of the rabbit screaming? Oh, yeah. I never thought about screaming? You never thought about that. Oh, you just buy it at the store?

It's right next to the other animal screams. Yeah, it's right by some bizarre Allman Brothers album or something like that. Well, there's that Christmas album where it's all the bunny screams to Jingle Bells. This is one of the better Christmases we've had here at the Parks House. like Jingle Bells. Oh, that's what. Good God. This is one of the better Christmases we've had here at the Parks House. I think you can make a bunny scream if you just tickle it a bunch.

You can make it laugh that way. No, you gotta step on it. Or show it a scary movie. That would also work. This bunny on stage was still alive and it was like screaming because his head was stumped. During your set while you were... I was just about to go on stage and I alive And it was like screaming Because his head was stumping During your set while you were

I was just about to go on stage And I was like we gotta kill it It was like an old roadie And he was like I don't wanna kill it You kill it And we're like pushing this box back and forth And it was like way out in Jersey Like in a really shitty part of town

Oh it wasn't in a really fancy part of town? No It wasn't It wasn't a bad There was a half dead rabbit You were just about to go on stage But it wasn't like the ball Like. It wasn't. It wasn't a bad... There was a half-dead rabbit and you were just about to go on stage, but it wasn't like the ball,

like Chris Christie wasn't there. You were wearing a gown. The townie was just like, I'll take care of it. And then we passed the box off to him and I went on stage. And I was like, hey everybody,

what about dicks? You know what I mean? So a guy came to a comedy show thinking he was gonna laugh, but ended up killing a rabbit that night. Yeah, well he didn't to laugh, but ended up killing a rabbit that night. Yeah, well, he didn't buy tickets. He was just outside.

Oh, my. He volunteered to take care of it, so maybe he ate it. That'll happen sometimes. I was getting my hair cut by my buddy in his backyard. Ryland, who you gave the puss to. It's not puss. It's dead skin cells, please. You're fucking horrible monkey juice.

Show up at your apartment and throw a cup of it on you. Oh, God. All right, all right. So you're doing this thing. April Fool's. No, it's not April. That's not April Fool's. Holden.

I say you get a cup of milk and then throw it on him and be like, that's my puss juice. Oh, fucking. That would be an April Fool's. That would be a fully full. Oh, God. You get milk and you mix it with syrup. Yeah, and dead skin cells. I was going to say apple sauce. Epsom salts?

Apple sauce. Oh, apple. I've lost my train of life. You did. Rylan was giving you a haircut in the backyard. Give me a haircut in the backyard. I was giving you a hand job in the backyard. And we saw a thud out of the tree.

Something fell out of the tree. We're like, what was that? And a thud out of the tree. Like something fell out of the tree. We're like, what was that? And something else fell out of the tree. We're like, that's weird. And like two other things fell out of the tree. And then we go over and we see it's just a bunch of baby squirrels. And we look up and it was a possum, like a big mean possum. It was just throwing baby squirrels out of the tree.

And then the squirrels were all on the ground. Babies. We were all babies. The tiniest. So cute when they're small. So cute. And they're shaking, they're dying. We don't know what to do.

And then me and my buddy Byron were like, you know, what are we going to do? And he's from Kansas. He's like, oh, but, oh, but, I don't know. And then so we were like, oh, we got to kill it. And then we were going to kill it and we're going to take turns. He's like, only one of us should have to deal with this. And we flipped for a coin, and he lost.

So he had to murder all the squirrels with a dumbbell. Yeah, it was a fucking disaster. You know, at the same time, you could just walk away. I don't know if you have to. What do you mean walk away? How do you have to? You don't have to. You're a monster.

What if one of them would have lived? No, they're not. It ain't going to live. It fell out of a tree. It's a frail little squirrel. It's man's duty. People can live. Guys, I don't mean to alarm you, but a big scary monster is in the room.

One time I was waiting for a train late at night, and the trains were stopped, and then the conductor was like, all right, we're here for a medical emergency. And I was like, why? Fuck off. There were like 10 of us. stopped, and then the conductor was like, all right, we're here for a medical emergency. And I was like, what? You know, fuck off. There were like 10 of us. It was very late at night. So we get out, and we hear this like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. And there was a dude pinned under the train.

And there were all these, like, New York City cops and firemen that didn't know what to do. They looked so freaked out. They're like, we can't move the train because it'll kill him. So they had to get a phone down there. And so we could, like, you know, they were like, do you have a family? They were talking to him. They're like, we'll call your family.

He had no family. That all happened. That was off the Bedford stop, right? Yes. I remember when that happened. Me and Ben were hosting a comedy show. And some guy showed up white as a ghost who'd also seen it. Oh, yeah.

Actually, I think Jim Tooze was around for that one as well. I think he saw it happen You guys ought to Talk to him about that Well they were in a fight Right that's the sad Yeah there was a fight He got into a fight

With another guy And then the train was coming And the one guy got pushed In the fight in the scuffle The guy who started the fight Jumped out And the guy who And the other one

Got hit by the train I saw a rat eating vomit The other day on the train Fuck yeah man This city's magical I saw a whole crew of pigeons eating vomit one day in the middle of the morning I was like yo y'all are better than this I actually saw the first openly trans rat on the train the

other day he came out he was just like I'm gonna do this now everybody's like I can't believe we were really proud of him have you like... Her. Yeah, I don't know what bathroom he uses, but... Like, since, what is it? Her, she uses. Since Bruce Jenner came out, there's been a lot more middle-aged trans guys around. Has there? Or guys to girls. I've noticed that. It's about time.

Good for them. I try not to look at anybody. I look at everybody. Really? That's how I survive, is I make eye contact with everyone. Yeah. I'm still alive. You speak like a weirdo. I know. That's crazy. I know. Well, that's... See, that's the still alive. You speak like a weirdo.

I know. See, that's the fucking tactic, is to be the weirdo who makes eye contact with every person. You're going to do great in prison. Yeah, exactly. You go to prison, you make eye contact with everyone, you're going to be dead. They'll be wearing you as a suit jacket.

No, it's great. You've got to let them know that you know. Yeah. That what? I know, man. I know. I know. Marcus, I think we have the same strategy. That what? Yeah, yeah. I know, man. I know. I know. Marcus, I think we have the same strategy.

Like, we're not big enough guys to overpower most people. Not really. You've got to play crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to play the weirdo like where it's like, you know if you beat me up that you're going to win, but... I'm taking a finger. I'm taking a finger.

Or an ear. Yeah. Or you're going to get just a splash of pee on you. Mine's more you're going to walk away bleeding at the very least. My strategy is fight, begin, zipper down, and then just start streaming yellow. Do you grip it? I rip it, and then I run. I grip it, I rip it, I tug it, and then I run.

Oh, my God. If a dude came on you on accident. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. Oh, my God. I just moved here. What are you doing in my kitchen? Oh, is there egg on my...

Well, that's cum, I guess, but on your face. No, Reed and Andrew, you guys would do better in prison than I would at six foot seven. I think the cells are, what, nine by ten? I would get turned inside out.

No, you would have room to move. I would be able to move in those cells. You're like a bull in a china shop. They're friendlier than you think. No, you guys would have, like, oh, nice square space. It's a good Brooklyn apartment.

I wouldn't be able to walk two steps. Aside from getting raped by a guy named Mad Eye, it is roomy. Oh my god, it's so much better than the guy with no eye. I mean, he's the real dangerous. You guys just gotta learn how to form like Voltron. Oh yeah. I think that's actually the problem. That's our reason I get into

movies. Fresh boys, assemble. As long as we have one trench coat and can get on each other's shoulders, no one will fuck with us. There's your penis right in the middle of your chest. Looks good, fellas. I guess I'll start sucking on this now. Andrew, I'm going to cum. No, man. We need to stay together.

Keep it down. So how was your jail experience? I loved it. The thing that stood out for me was the friendships I made and the rough, rough anal sex. Yeah. Like, my ears are ringing still. It was loud sex.'ll sell your plugs that's another story reminded me of the ambiguous and gay duo remember that

there was a funny cartoon on SNL it was a very fun cartoon you are in jail you were when I was in I tried stop I spent 23 hours down in the tombs for helping rape next to you in jail. You do nothing. You do nothing. What are you going to do? You are in jail. You could try and stop it. I spent 23 hours down in the tombs for helping our friend come through a turnstile. Had a bit of an open warrant for drinking in public where that's so much. By the way, they say you shouldn't drink at home alone. Well, I was

drinking in public, so I thought I was trying to be healthy. But whatever. But there was a dude in the cell you know there's a there's a dude next to me in a cell just die in misery sound like a miserable death but what can you do there's nothing you can do died next to you nobody he was he got pulled over uh driving without a license on the way to the hospital so he had like terrible strep or whatever the hell it was so he's like I, I'm dying. You know, like literally. And I mean, what can you do?

You have no power. Next time you die, have a license. Yeah, exactly. A license to drive to the hospital. He had to go to the hospital. Like he had to go. Fuck. Didn't they give you a physical examination before they put you in?

Yeah, but if you say yes, then you go to the hospital and you start the whole process over the next day. So he was just being lazy. No, he would have been confined for 48 hours as opposed to 23. But if you go, you get the fucking physical. How did he pass the physical? What physical?

They don't give you a physical. They check your eyes. They fingerprint you to get you into the system. And then you go down to a doctor's office. Well, I guess it's a holding cell. When you actually go to jail, that's when you get the physical.

Yeah, there's no doctor that cares. He should have committed a bigger crime. All my experiences started doctor's office. Well, I guess it's a holding cell. When you actually go to jail, that's when you get the physical. Yeah, yeah. There's no doctor that cares. He should have committed a bigger crime. All my experiences started to blend together. Yeah, exactly. My hurts get to be there, and you're like, they check your eyes, they fingerprint you. Yeah, I think it was the kid from the first story who was working down there as the doctor. Oh, speaking of stories, let's go back to the Calgary Zoo for a second. The most high-profile mishap that the Calgary Zoo had.

9-11. Oh, my God. I remember that. The Saudis and the Calgary Zoo caused 9-11. These pants-wearing. Unbelievable. Well, with this little Calgary Zoo incident, it was a non-fatal one. In 2009, a gorilla keeper inadvertently left a knife in the gorilla enclosure. Oh, no.

Who is going to get it? Who goes to get that knife? Which one of the gorillas picked up and played with, appearing at times to brandish the weapon menacingly. You can see holding the knife like as if he's holding the knife as if he's about to stab the other gorilla in the chest damn oh like a top ways like from the top i thought i was scared of gorillas already and the zoo described the incident as being, quote, unquote, overblown.

Overblown? I don't think so. It's a fucking gorilla with a knife. It's a movie on the Sci-Fi Network, for Christ's sake. Gorilla with a knife. Right after Sharknado. They say the gorillas don't understand the concept of using tools as weapons. I completely disagree with that.

Yeah, that other gorilla looks pretty chill in that picture. Yeah, he don't give a shit. He's only a knife to him't give a shit. He might learn in two seconds. Well, they're also playing a little game called Don't Look Scared When I Hold Up the Knife. I remember that. It's a gorilla game. It goes a long way back. You ever see the

footage of that chimpanzee shooting the AK-47 at those horrible African soldiers? Yeah, dude, it's actually amazing. It's unbelievable. Go check that out. It's on YouTube. That is an absolute lie. Gorillas use tools in the wild all the time.

No, as weapons. They don't understand the concept of tools as weapons. They will kill each other, yes, but they kill each other with their bare hands. Their body's a weapon. Yeah, their body's a weapon. Other than it's not like they don't understand it. They just fucking don't need to.

Their whole life is punching through shit. Yeah, right, exactly. Evolutionarily, they haven't needed to use the rock as a weapon. They're just punching. Or just ripping out throats with their bare hands. Oh, they do not mess around. We did that episode of Blast Podcast on the left about the woman who had her friend eaten by

the chimp. Chimps are more dangerous than gorillas. You think so? A gorilla is more powerful, but a chimp, they're more angry. Didn't they have at Busch Gardens on a display, it was like apparently one of the gorillas had gotten loose at some point, and somebody

had tried to go after it with a hammer hammer and it fucking caught the hammer and just snapped it oh my god i love it so how did they get the knife away from the gorilla i guess That's the Andrew. Oh, my God. I love it. So how did they get the knife away from the gorilla? I guess they eventually got bored. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Give it a banana.

There's only one thing you can do. You don't mean. Oh, man. No, give it. The banana, but it's like a special knife banana. In case one of them gets a knife, it's the knife banana. Well, if I remember correctly, when you give a knife to a gorilla,

then he'll want a glass of milk. But then, when you give him a glass of milk, he'll want a story. When you give a knife to a gorilla, a story by R.F. Little Boy. Don't put him around your kids. R.F. Little Boy. Don't put him around your kids.

R.F. Little Boy, do not get him near them. Nope. R.F. Little Boy here. All the children, come up real close to me so my hands can reach you. All right. Yeah, this gorilla's name was... Here's a story called Mommy's Stinker. Oh, right.

Oh, my goodness. Okay, take it easy. Good Lord. What's happening? Mommy's Little Stinker. Mommy's Stinker, not little. Is it hidden? More disgusting.

Is it a scratch and sniff? Is it one of those? Oh, Mommy's got to wipe your little bum bum. We're not doing this. Turn the page. No, the whole thing is over. Can you pull down your pants for me so I can put a little paper in your bum? We're not doing this act out.

No, this sketch doesn't happen. Uh-oh, someone smeared a little bit of peanut butter on their downstairs star looker. Marcus. The dad says secrets. All right. I just put it on a cookie and then we have a little dinner tonight. I'm intrigued. I'm not.

We're trying to keep an audience here. I got to know how it ends. Oh, my God. How does it end? Everybody gets pink eye. All right. Wonderful. Yes.

That works. Little boys' books always end with some pink eye. Very nice. Is this what happens when your children's books are as anal as mine? RF Little Boy. Good lord. News story? Yes.

A Waffle House waitress spiked a co-worker's drink with methamphetamine, leading to the victim's hospitalization and the woman's jailing this week on felony battery and narcotics charges. Georgia police allege that Sonseria Evans, 43, tampered with Brian McKeel's drink while the pair was working. In late December at a Waffle House in Dawsonville, about 55 miles north of Atlanta, cops were summoned to the restaurant after McKeel's 37 became stricken. He was transported to a local hospital in serious condition and later slipped into a coma. Whoa. How much did she give him?

Well, I guess you're not supposed to eat it, but I don't even really know. I mean, that sounds like a fun Waffle House prank. You work at the Waffle House, you're gonna give Slipa some meth, you know what I mean? It sounds like she got arrested for making him the ultimate Waffle House employee. It's probably an accident. He got out of the coma, though.

He remains hospitalized, has required a feeding tube and ventilator to help him breathe. Jesus. A police review of Waffle House surveillance video showed Evans taking McKeel's drink into a store bathroom. She then returned the beverage without McKeel's realizing it had been missing. Investigators allege that Evans spiked the drink with methamphetamine while inside the bathroom. Cops report that they have not yet discovered a motive for the poisoning. Evans is being held without bond at the Dawson County Jail on aggravated battery.

Here's a picture of the woman. Yeah, she's just doing a goof. She's pretty hot. Yeah, she's doing a goof. I mean, she's Waffle House pretty, definitely. No doubt. I can't believe's Waffle House pretty, definitely. No doubt. I can't believe the Waffle House had cameras. Yeah, and bathrooms.

A lot of weird shit. But was it done out of spite? We don't know the motive at all. Maybe I'll get him to talk to me. I think it's a goof. I think it's a goof. I'm with Amber on this one. Yeah, I think it was just a party time thing.

Right. You know when you just have a bunch, like a pocket full of meth? Yeah. What do I do with this? I have no idea. This looks like a woman who gets free meth. Yeah. Eddie would know.

That's definitely a free meth woman. I've done meth. It's nice. That's a good sign. Yeah, you did meth. I don't think anyone's ever described it as nice. Goodness. I did meth? I don't think anyone's ever described it as nice. Goodness. I did meth on accident.

What happened? I wasn't. Was it nice? No, it sucked. Right? I never went to Waffle House again. This guy, he must have had some allergic reaction to it or something. I just don't think you're supposed to drink meth.

Right. I don't think you're supposed to drink meth. Right. I don't think you're supposed to. I actually think you can ingest it orally. You can do that. You know what I mean? I feel like people taste it. You taste it, but I think if you just dumps a bag of meth into a drink and stirs it up and it dissolves

into the drink, I mean, there are some very terrible chemicals in meth that you're not supposed to have in your bloodstream. You're supposed to smoke them. Exactly. You're supposed to smoke them. They use Drano and shit like that. I wouldn't know if whatever the hospital gave him caused all the complications.

You know what I mean? I don't think so. No, I mean, if you're just on meth, you're on meth. You don't go into a coma. It could be horrible meth. The hospital probably gave him more meth, but they were like, oh, it's just under a pharmaceutical name. They don't think so.

The thing that disgusts me most is just the waste of meth. It didn't even get to achieve its dreams. I mean, if you eat weed, you don't get high. That's not true. You have to cook it and process it in order to make it edible. THC has to be activated.

Yeah, you have to. That makes sense. Activate THC. If you took a nug and just put it in your mouth and ate it, Ben, are you realizing that you've been misusing weed all this time? No, no. I get 50 bags of weed and I throw out the disgusting

stuff in the middle of the bag, and I just swallow the bag. That's so good. I'm always... It's weird they have to activate weed to get it to work. Whenever I'm on weed, I do no activation. Oh. There you go.

There you go. So this woman, if this guy dies, I mean, she's going to go to prison forever. Yeah, she's going to go to prison for... I mean, involuntary manslaughter, I'd probably say. Although they might do manslaughter, they might do murder. You could do murder on this. She's going to be the goofiest prankster on the block. Who snuck strychnine into my brownies?

She's really pretty, though. She's not going to get the death penalty. She's not really pretty. That's a glamour shot. It's a mug shot. No, there's towels in the background. That's a selfie. I bet she's real fun, man.

On weekends, I bet she's 69s and everything. Carla Faye Tucker is prettier than her, and Carla Faye Tucker still went to the fucking chair. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, but Carla Faye Tucker killed like five dudes. No, she killed two dudes with a pickaxe. It was pretty brutal. Much different than a

Waffle House waitress trying to have a good time with one of her Waffle House employees but not realizing she was going to poison them. That is true, but I mean, if we're judging from prettiness alone, Carla Faye Tucker is much prettier than this murderer. Is she beautiful? Because I find that... She is beautiful. Yeah, people would like to kill beautiful women. They would. They would either like to do it at the stake, burn them at the stake,

or they would like to have a nasty article written about them. Especially if they look like Mother. Yeah. People don't like beautiful women. I mean, they love them, but they also want to destroy them. Yeah, but people also have a sense of destroying beautiful women. You want to destroy them. You want to take them down.

Yeah. I mean, Carla Faye Tucker's like 70s hot. Oh, my God. She's not that hot. She's not that hot she's a crooked mouth she's biker hot yeah that's what she was she killed two guys with a pickaxe over biker parts oh yeah she's definitely someone's old lady waffle waitress hot is hotter than biker hot in my opinion you think so I totally they have a job and they serve you and they're very nice and they're not surrounded by bikers all the time.

Well, they both fuck them, I'll tell you that much. Yeah. There's nothing dangerous about a biker lady. All right, it's time for a segment from old McNally.

This time, I'm turning it right over to Mr. Ed Larson. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. The glitz and glamour is the round table of the Year Awards. Woo! 2016!

Where were you? Huh? I'm right here. Is the Roundtable of the Year 2015? Is that usually how it works? Yeah, because last year. I mean, well, the year is 2016 right now. Yeah, but it's for the previous year.

It's for the year of 2015. Is this your award show? No, but we've only had one month and 20 days. It's for the year of 2015. Is this your award show? No, but we've only had one month and 20 days. I'm giving an award out right now. When is it right now? 2016. I'm not even giving it out. I don't even know who won.

The votes were strenuous to count. Yeah. I'm with Ed, man. Thank you. Yeah, so 2016, it's happening right now we've had enough time in the year whoa it's been a crazy race I'll tell you what I'm glad this is all coming to an end and I think that this might be my year to finally win this fucking award I don't know maybe I've been nominated for is my fifth nomination and you put ads out in the papers you had a variety

big bid yeah I'm out there I'm variety big bid yeah shaking hands kissing baby who's saying calling phones and lines he said the Ed Vinance oh my picture you in a big wool Native American yeah very nice yeah so I'm nominated Ambrose unnominated as well she decided to come that was very nice is your fourth nomination do we have to say how many sorry do you have to say how many votes Amber's nominated as well. She decided to come. That was very nice. It's your fourth nomination. Andrew? Do we have to say how many votes you didn't have? What do you mean?

I just remember one time. I mean, everyone who didn't vote, then you don't have their vote. I just remember one time I was up for a thing because I never got no absentees. And then the teacher was like, Amber, you were up for it, and nobody voted for you. Ooh. That's not bad. Brutal. Well, I'll let you know. nobody voted for you. Ooh. That's not bad. Brutal. Well, I'll let you know people voted for you.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Isn't that great? That's great. Andrew was also, Andrew Short. Real talk. Yeah, this is your third nomination.

How does it feel, man? It's been a really rough ride. I mean, prayers go up, blessings come down. I'm a vessel for his word, and I'm just happy that I'm making connections with the people in his flock. Amber, this is your fourth nomination. Is this your year? I think it is.

And if it isn't, then I'm just going to keep living my life. Reed Fowler, you've never been nominated. How does that make you feel? I feel like my readers at home are just not pulling their weight. They're not trying even at all. And, you know, I understand. I get it. I'm no Andrew Short.

I can just be Read Failure, and that's all I can be, and that's all I'm going to be. Sorry about your luck. Andrew Short, is there any advice you can give to Reed To maybe how he could step it up For tabler of the year for next year I would say devote your life to Christ Okay

Find an enemy and tattoo your face On his face But you can't call him Christ You have to call him Christ Goes like that And we also Nominated this year is Jackie Zabrowski, not present, and Mr. Michael Che, four-time winner, also not present. Kevin, you are a former nominee of Roundtable of the Year.

Yes. Were you broken when you lost, or were you able to get on with your life? Quite frankly, really didn't care at all. No, you cared a little bit. I did care a little bit. You lost last year. You didn't get the nomination this year. Even though your popularity has been skyrocketing.

Going crazy, I recently purchased a copy of Street Fighter V, and I'm working on that to be my championship ranking. So if anybody wants to take me on in the battlefield, I'll see your whole ass. Damn. Whole ass? Not half the ass?

A whole one? My Fight Network name is Holdenator's Ho. Ben, anything to add? I think this is great. It's good for the show. My question is, RF Littleboy robbed. Oh, my God. No RF Littleboy this year.

No RF Littleboy. Whoever that is, I hope he gets nominated big time next year. Little Boy big time? Yeah. I mean, his new story called The Fox and the Big Ol' Pussy is going to be a big hit. What happens in that book? Can we get an excerpt from that? It's a scratch and sniff.

But the only smell is formaldehyde. It's a rough book to smell. Sounds like a real page to read. Coming down that aisle right now is our prize girl boy. Everyone give it up for Mr.

Walter Replogle. Alright. Good job everyone for giving it up for Mr. Walter Replogle. All right. Good job, everyone, for giving it up. Thank you. Thank you. Softer claps, please. What does it take to become a round tabler of the year? It takes stamina, lots of fluids, maybe, you know, a couple pieces of cake.

But what it actually takes, and I believe all the nominees this year has it, is heart. Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees for Round Tabler of the Year. Oh, my God. We know the round. We know the nominees. Excuse me, this is a presentation of an award. I like it.

It's like Ed was doing the red carpet. This is the actual ceremony, so we've got to do it again. He's the Ryan Seacrest. All right. We already know the nominees. All right. The nominees are Andrew Short. Jacqueline Zebrowski.

Michael Che Ms. Amber Nelson and Edward Big Thumbs Larson Alright Look at him Smell him The award goes to

He's literally opening an envelope. This is great. Really crinkly hands. The 2016 Roundtabler of the Year Award goes to Jackie Zebrowski. What? She's not even here to accept it. God, what a fucking heartbreak. I love it.

And Jackie sent us a speech. I knew this whole time. I guess so. I just didn't have the heart to, you know. I could tell by your smile you're lying. And you still let me fuck you? All right, let's hear her speech speech sorry i can't be there tonight guys it's a big night i guess i'm a lot more like jay than you fucking want me to be

uh it's all the fake people out there that voted for me go fuck and uh to my fellow nominees fuck all y'all i'm the winner fuck all y'all, I'm the winner. Fuck all y'all, I'm the winner. Fuck all y'all, I'm the winner. Fuck all y'all, I'm the winner. Very nice. Okay. Congratulations, Jackie Zebrowski. It's been an honor and a privilege to do the show with her for what? Going on five years now?

Yeah. Going on six. Going on six. She's a very funny woman. She's doing it rock and roll. That's right. now. Yeah. Going on six. Going on six. She's a very funny woman. She's doing it rock and roll. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe Mike lost. My heroes. My heroes go down. Yep. You know? Well, I mean, the fact that he hasn't been on the show in two years hurt him a little bit. It hurt a little bit, but you can still think.

He perseveres. You know, he wins everything else. This might hurt his career. It might. It might. You shut the fuck up. That's the only time he's lost? Is this the only time he's lost?

Yeah. I mean, I think this might be the beginning of the end, but don't quote me on that. Jesus Christ, guys. It's the beginning of the beginning for Jackie Zebrowski. The beginning of the beginning, but maybe the beginning of the end for Jackie Zabrowski. The beginning of the beginning, but maybe the beginning of the end for Michael J. I don't know. Isn't that nice? Hip hip hooray for Jackie Zabrowski? Hip hip hooray? Hip hip

hooray! Hip hip hooray? Hip hip hooray! Alright. So, that is the round table. Amber, thanks so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Where do you want people to find you? Do you have anything going on? Go to Amber Smelson at Twitter and Amber

Nelson on Facebook. I had a website but it was $100 to keep up and I was like, fuck it. No one ever went to it anyway. So. Okay. So that's an anti-plug. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm doing great. I am doing great, though. Amber Nelson or Amber Smelson.

Alright. Eddie, what's going on with you? Well, you can check out me, Amber and Cena's podcast, The Brighter Side. Please listen to that. Murder Fist, March 12th at the Pit. And I joined Instagram. Yeah, me too. Yeah, very nice. So Eddie Toons on Instagram. Fucking let's do this

shit. I got a picture. Alright. People can find Marcus Parks on Twitter at Marcus Parks. And you got a new show coming out. You got a new show that is out. Yeah, I got a new show that right. People can find Marcus Parks on Twitter, at Marcus Parks. And you got a new show coming out. You got a new show that is out. Yeah, I got a new show that is out. I'm on my third or fourth episode. It's called The Lucky Bone Show. I'm playing music.

It's like a radio show where I get to play whatever music I like. And it's doing all right. People seem to enjoy it. If you got, you know, weird taste in music, come on and check it out. It's on Mixcloud.com slash Marcus Parks. All right. Yeah. I'm also doing really good.

And Twitter. Or not Twitter, Twitch. Catch me at Holdenator's Ho. And again, I'm doing really good right now. I'm going to be back on that sometime in March, right? Yeah, I think maybe next week. I might have you come in and do it. I can't do this Friday.

I'm doing Fox News' Red Eye. We'll talk about it off microphone. But we will do something in March. Yes, I will definitely do this Friday. I'm doing Fox News's Red Eye. We'll talk about it off microphone. But we will do something in March. Yes, I will definitely have you back. Find me on Twitter at Ben Kissel and Kevin. Fat Boy Barnett on Twitter. Follow me if you like guys that don't post a lot and only occasionally retweet their shows. That's really perfect.

Do that. The Twitter thing is very fun. I know everyone likes Instagram, but I don't like the visual stuff. I love Instagram. I love it. So I've been doing Instagram for the last two weeks. I'm loving it. I'm a Twitter guy.

I am on Instagram at BenKissel1, but no one seems to be. It's mostly pictures of bagels and dogs. What do you got? I read Failure. I'm putting up comics on Instagram under the name Jim Hickory. So look at Jim Hickory. So look at Jim Hickory. I'm just making real nihilistic comics about people hiding inside people and death, and it's real nice.

I love Reed's art. Reed is a wonderful artist. Reed did the cover for the Common album. He also painted an oil painting of me and my mother. Yes! And I gave it to her for Christmas. Go to Reed Fahler for oil paintings. Did she love it?

She cried a lot. She still cries. She sends me pictures of it daily. I'm like, it's her for Christmas. Go to Reed-Faylor for oil paintings. Did she love it? She cried a lot. She still cries. She sends me pictures of it daily. I'm like, it's still the same. That's a good thing. Next year it won't be, though. I'm going to sneak to your mom's house. I'm going to change it just a little.

You're going to give her a dick and me a pussy? Oh, my goodness. That's your mother. Andrew? Well, I'm confident people are probably still listening at this point. They are. You should check out Action Boys on YouTube. Search Action Boys.

It's a little web series with me and Reed where we're best friends true. Best friends true. And we get into a little bit of a pickle. You might see Ed Larson in it. You might. You might not, too. It depends on your ability to see big old chunky boys. That's great.

All right, that's the roundtable. Go to the roundtable Facebook page. Yeah. That's also fun. Okay, everyone, and thank you, Walter Rapogla, for being here. Walter, what's your Twitter? At wasthatwalter. Nice.

Okay. Peace out. Talk to you soon. Bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to