The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Holden Talks For Thirty Minutes 3

Episode Date: September 2, 2015

Holden talks for thirty minutes again.

And now, a special presentation from the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Bungo goes the drum, Mr. Monkey Man! You're back with your own fuckers in your own rooms. And I'm talking to you today. Live. 2022. 1512. 4008. Whatever year you're listening to this at.

And let me tell you something, brother. I'm not made of facts, Jack. So if you're going to fucking try to tell me about what's in the encyclopedia. And I say some bullshit like primates fucking exist only in fucking in India. We know they exist in more places than that. But I would like to start by running you through some very interesting articles I was perusing the other day, biological ones, of course, but not of the warfare category. And I'm talking about different types of fish. So we're going to speak about different types of fish,

starting with the nail fish. Now, it's a very important fish to know about so important to know about this fish because it's got a brown thin dorsally but on the back on the ridges it's a fucking dark oval and that's really what's the fucking part about the nail fish but if you ask me to feed them from the bottom like those fucking dicks in the fucking Wall Street. I'll say take a picture of the fucking Bulls balls. Now, the best fish, in my opinion, comes from the Nozark region of Dallin. And Dallin, the thing about Dallin is it's a mixed-race region. So you have the black man playing poker with the white man. And this fish exists right in the river right down by it,

and that fish goes by the name of Nixon. He was a crook in this fish situation. See, Nixon fish loves to swim underneath the octopus. Whenever the octopus with its tiny little nibbler, as I like to call it, is when it's catching greens, it flies. It rolls under. It doesn't fly. Fucking birds fly.

It rolls under. Fucking, I know birds fly. Okay, thank you thank you listeners thank you listeners all right but we're gonna thank listeners later for different things right now we're dealing with the fucking nosark fish and that fish goes underneath the green nibbling of the octopus and catches three tendrils of the green plant right i call it the green plant because the green plant is a healing plant all right right? If it's a red plant, it's a fucking plant. And you fuck the plant until you fucking make notes full of jizz all over your fucking dad's lawnmower or anything he keeps in his garage.

And I did lots of exploring in the garage. And I think there are other naters out there that agree with me that it's a great place to explore yourself. Yourself or your friend or your dog or your bitch, which is a female dog, or your batch, which is a female dog with the fucking pussy licked out of it. So there's four things you need to know about the fourth fish, but the third fish is more important, and that is the dish fish, all right? That's the fish. It's made out of a circle, and it always has food on it,

and you can always eat off of it, and the nail fish fucking hates the dish fish. So if the nail fish isn't even fucking wearing the dish fish, then you better fucking call your fucking mother, alright? You call the hospital. 911, brother. If you don't know 911, you need to fucking go back to fucking two-day school.

Two-day school I loved, by the way, because we always got off from Tuesday all the way to Saturday. But then we had to go to school two days. And those two days were for Friday. And you went back to school nine days. And then you don't know how to make a nom-bay. And then think about mobile. I could dance too.

Just because Jerry has a good brain and I got a bad brain don't mean I can't join the dance competition too. You know you can't join the dance competition like your brother can. He's the king of the cheerleading squad. And you're the special boy. And everyone tells you that you're like everybody else, but you're not like everybody else in the high school. I just think that I can't join the dance competition because I do soft shoe.

Oh you do a soft shoe? Yeah mama! Oh no, soft shoe. You do a do soft shoe. Oh, you do a soft shoe? Yeah, mama. Oh, no, soft shoe. You do a fucking soft shoe. I want to see your soft shoe then, fucking miminy. I hate my name. I hate my fucking name, mama, and I fucking suck at principal people. You invited me in. And I might be slow. I might be special. But I know a cock when I see one.

A cock that screams to be sucked on. And I think that the fourth fish you need to remember about is the bottom feeder. And that kind of brings me back to what I was talking about earlier about the bottom feeding fish, you know?

You can't get to the top unless you make it to the bottom, you know? I think that that is sort of what's kind of crystallizing ourselves into the future here. If you want to be a top feeder, I can tell you about stocks and bonds, right? Now, the future of the stock market five bit confusing when you first start talking about it but what you need to know is hay is always going up and corn's always going down so if you invest in corn um fucking get one of those shotguns that

are curved all the way around in a full circle and blow your own fucking back your head out of your body you know what i'm saying because corn's always going down but if you want to be a go boy and a not a no boy then you need to invest in hay hay is constantly going up it's like the apple computer of the 17th century it's always going up it's always making moves everybody's always saying to the like should i invest in macintosh should i invest in apple should i invest in like, should I invest in Macintosh? Should I invest in Apple? Should I invest in Pixar? Should I invest in movies? Should I invest in barbecue? Should I invest in salt? Should I invest in good decisions? Should I invest in schooling for the young? Should I invest in reading for the blind? Should I invest in deaf men talking to the blind man, leading him across the street. Should I invest in dog

manufacturing? Should I invest in factories that specialize in making dogs? No, you need to invest in hay. It's always going up, but corn is like, and everyone thinks corn's going to change directions, you know, that it's not going to stop going down. And I'm like, it's never, it always went down. It started on the bottom and it always went down. It's a bottom feeding fish. Whereas hay is always rolling upwards, right? And you can hear me in that noise I make. You can know what I'm saying to you right now.

So I'll say it again. Rolling upwards, right? And it's not going. That's corn. Corn's not going, that's corn. Corn's always going down. Corn goes, I'm corn and I'm always going downtown, down in the stock market.

Corn, yeah, born to be a loser and always a user. I like alcohol and crack cocaine, methamphetamines, cause I am corn, boy. Always going down, son, down into the ground. Buns, buns are made of bread fucker and that is the difference between a bottom feeder and a top feeder now next category thank you so much all my listeners out there know that i come from the south but it's kind of like they don't know where in the south and i want to say it's west but it's definitely east and we're gonna bring it back around to that. Cause, um, at some point I am going to need one of those shotguns that, uh, has the barrel bent in a full circle because the back of my brains need to go

out the front of my forehead by the age of 52, or someone's going to have to die with me. And it's not going to be fucking pretty. I feel bad because I don't want it to be my girlfriend, man. She's nice. So it's not about what you were born to be. It's about where you go, right? Because you heard me on past episodes talk about March and make it happen. You have to go somewhere further than you have ever been before, right? And further is not a phrase. It's a fucking, not a noun. What is it? Going further. That's an adverb, right? So I think let's do multiplication tables just to figure it out, right? Five times one is five.

Five times two is ten. Five times three is fifteen. Five times four is twenty. Five times five is twenty-five. Gets tricky here. Five times six is thirty. Alright? Five times seven is 25. Gets tricky here. 5 times 6 is 30. Alright. 5 times 7 is 35. 5 times 8 is 55. Five times six is 30.

Traveling back in time with Holden, gonna take a nader today. Let's talk about the 1800s, right? Because they didn't have the same things we had. And I think people are confused by this. Because I always have tiny little bitches running up to me going, Holden, Holden, teach me fucking language. Teach me fucking about the 1800s. And I'm like, what do you want to know, you know? You futureless fucking language. Take me fucking about the 18th century. And I'm like, what do you want to know? You know, you futureless fucking loser.

And they're like, oh, hold on. Did they have books? I was like, of course they had books, you know? And it's like, did they have the look? And I'm like, the look. What are we talking about here? You know what? I think they had more than just books. Hold on. I think they had

Game Boy, and I think they had a boy, and inside that boy is a house, and inside that house you could live in it. And that's the part that confused me the most about this child. And I think this child may have come from a lab or definitely at least a broken family. Let's ponder what the child could come from. I think if I want to get angry about it, which I'm not going to fucking do, I think this child's dad must have worked in some kind of an office building. I'm going to go with real estate. You know, he didn't make a lot of sales.

He used to be kind of a wheeler dealer type, like a rambly gambly fucking type. Right. But he decided to settle down, get into real estate, but he still can't quite make the sale. Right. And his mom, she used to be like she used to just get by being a go go dancer, you know, just kind of making moves here and there. She worked at Farts Club, Farts Club in Sasson, Kentucky. Farts Club was wonderful. It was built in the 1800s and it had two stories. And the first story smelled awful because that's where you could go get eggs and beans and eggs and beans and eggs and beans and beans and eggs and fucking fucker. But I digress. The second story was the more important story. And that story had a dancer in it. And it was the later to be the mother of this kid who approached me in the street asking about the 1800s. And her name was Dagan, right?

Dagan really shouldn't have been born. Dagan was the umbilical cord and somehow a girl's brain got into it and it popped out of the woman, the poor, poor fucking woman. She was like, oh fuck, I gotta take a shit out me fucking pussy. And it was not a poopy. It was an umbilical cord with a human brain and human lips and human nose and human eyes and human arms and she held it up over the mass of people atop the canyon and was like this is the new fucking cunt we're gonna worship like the dog that she fucking is right and that's really what i wanted to get across to the little boy asked me about the 1800s. But the sad truth of the fact was that I was already fucking beaten on him so unconsciously that he didn't even hear any of the fucking shit I was saying. or Tuesday nights or morning or Wednesday morning or night or Friday afternoon or Thursday night or Friday morning or Friday night or Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon. Also can't be

out on the streets on Saturday in the afternoon and Sunday at night. And I can't be out on Saturday night and Monday morning, Sunday afternoon and Sunday morning, Saturday morning. I'm also not allowed to be on the streets and Sunday afternoon, Saturday afternoon. I'm also not allowed to be on the streets. And Sunday afternoon, Saturday afternoon, I think I already said Sunday afternoon, right? So Monday night and Monday afternoon. And then we wrap right around and Wednesday morning, I'm not allowed to be on the streets. Wednesday night, I'm not allowed to be out there. Tuesday night, I'm not allowed to be out there, nor can I be out there on Tuesday morning, or Wednesday afternoon or Tuesday afternoon. So it's pretty much I think the whole week that I'm not allowed to be out in the streets. Um, but that's fine. You know, if they don't want me out there, I don't want them in me, you know, in my apartment, keep the streets out is what I always say, you know,

because I was born racist and I'll die at fucking racist. And this country wants to fucking grill me on that and fucking put me away on that and nail me to the cross for fucking looking at people and being like, you're different. So you're illegal then fuck you you know you can't handle the truth as uh fucking martin sheen used to say you know and that all-important uh war movie about the court um i believe it was called clue so the real message people that's you know what it's like i don't even know i'm talking to i think you're listening right now but if you don't listen to this right now then you got to listen to it tomorrow man or the next day i mean i guess if you're listening to it right now then you're definitely

listening to it now you wouldn't be listening to it tomorrow because you're hearing this right now so you'd be listening to it now but either way man you got to sign the constitution if you want to believe in the constitution and if you want to put a man on the moon, man, we already did it. So let's go to Mars. But the early response to this whole question about what is brought to us and what's given to us is Nancy. I loved you, baby. But she left me, man.

And she left my whole fucking garden home, man. And by garden, i mean the fucking bush on my body i've never shaved it man one time my girl came after me trying to shave me in the shower while we were having our moon time and uh i i was able to dodge it you know she fell in the shower and fucking broke her all her fucking bones in her body but you're snooty ass listening to this right now you can't be listening to it tomorrow because tomorrow's another day, right? If you're hearing what I'm, either way, you understand the concept. I think if you're riding in your car right now, back it up and just see what it hits. And if you're not riding in your car right now and you're walking, you know, scream at

the first fucking person you see, you know, or you're not a true nadir And a true nadir's illegal, you know? A true nadir I'm racist against. A true nadir is scintillating and breathtaking to behold. Naked and important and born. Like the baby. Like the baby we know and love, you know? The baby suave in goblin clothes and brown and wonderful. Brown child. And brown and wonderful.

Brown child. Brown, brown, brown, brown, brown man and boy together. You know? Making the future real. And making the past a fucking gorgeous lie. And I'm not Cinderella, man. I'm not going to kiss you and fuck you and make you come to life. You know? You're not a wooden boy and I'm not a girl who lost her shoe.

It's just not going to happen like that, man. You got to make it for yourself. You got to take it back. And by it and I'm not a girl who lost her shoe it's just not gonna happen like that man you gotta make it for yourself you gotta take it back and by it I mean not the streets man I mean your own fucking whole ass man because if you're letting people grab you and turn you into a fucking real boy or if you were wooden and your nose get bigger when your fucking cock gets small that's because you got too much skin up top and too little down below but we're not here to fucking ask who is Pinocchio or who's fucking Gammon Ho or whatever his fucking dad was that made him you know the whale fucking is gone brother and a fucking sperm whale comes bigger than your fucking whole fucking house could fill you know and that's what I love about a sperm whale man I remember back in 73 I was with this fucking sperm whale his name was fucking rock

and we got loaded brother fucking hanging out on the strip getting stripped on the strip strip searching and fucking strippers on the strip fucking banging bitches on the strip you know what I'm saying and the cops are like arrest us dogs because we're fucked man you guys are too fucking extreme for us and I was like yeah dude yeah man give me that snowboard you horse and they're like don't talk to my fucking cop horse like that i'm like easy brother i'm not here to pick a fight with a police officer's horse you know that's the problem with the whole system i mean you can't you know you're trying to fucking just be extreme fucking work it out on the strip you got fucking cops horses coming up and fucking starting words with you you know it's like what are we in jerk country no man we're trying to

make it happen live right now fucking on fucking strippers and nutting on strippers graves and that's not what i'm saying to you jack i'm saying go order yourself a couple of fucking hotcakes and to settle down in front of a fire and make love to your bony ass woman, you know? But if your woman's too bony, I want you to reconsider too, by the way, because I've had fat and I've had skinny. And you know what I like the most? Fucking fat ass horse girls, man. Just fatter the better, dude. Sink your teeth in that shit. And don't

even fucking ask me about where I've been, you know? Cause if you're listening to this right now, and I think you're must be listening to it right now. Cause if you're not listening to it now, then you're some kind of time traveling fucks tootsayer, but you can't believe everything you read. And as the great, great president Martin short said to be to be a nesbit is to be the quintessential king of what's winding up to be really bit more about the underworld than about the overworld you know pookie give me kiss no okay we can do it tomorrow all right yesterday no we can't you're not listening to it yesterday. All right. Either way. I think the loudest I could get is this. Ah!

I think. But I don't know. I've never tested it, you know? I think the quietest I could get is this. Shut the fuck up! And then I'm quiet after that. You only have to tell me twice, brother. But you asked me to talk for 30 minutes.

I didn't say it. I didn't ask it all my fans out there asked for it they scream for it day in and day out and my fans are fucking mean motherfuckers you know what I'm saying they're tattooed ass fucking bitches they got tattooed sleeves tattooed tits and a tattooed ass and they can't go out in the streets on a Wednesday afternoon they're not allowed out in the streets on a Tuesday night or a Thursday night or a Thursday afternoon or a Thursday morning. The streets won't let them be out on a Wednesday morning or a Tuesday morning. They certainly won't be out there on Friday afternoon or Friday night or Saturday morning or Saturday night or Saturday afternoon or Friday morning.

And they're definitely not out in the streets on Monday afternoon. You know, that's the hardest time to be out there. Monday morning, definitely not allowed to be out there. Monday night or Sunday afternoon or Sunday night or Sunday morning. So really the best chance they have of being out in the streets is if they greet, you know, their own street. They make, if they put a paved road inside of their own apartment then maybe they could go i don't man i don't fucking know how they're gonna get out in the

streets i'm not allowed out in the fucking street i don't even want to be out in the streets you know what's out in the streets there's gum on the goddamn streets and there's fucking bastards people out there man saying hey why are you so famous and i'm like bitch I'm not fucking famous and you owe me a bunch of weed now and they're like shit I'll fucking slap my fucking dick on a fucking bitch and I'm like pussy bitch cunt shit fuck you cunt lick bitch shit dog fucker and that's how most of my interactions go especially with relatives which is why i'm not allowed to family reunions anymore it's like don't question where we've been man you're listening to it right now you know and that that okay fine you let's play a game right so we'll play a game

we'll play a game let's play a game so let's this is the this is the game all right say when and i'll tell you when to stop all right okay now restaurant industry fun right that's the new segment we got going today so let's talk about the restaurant industry my favorite way to open a restaurant as with a big big noise big explosions you got fireworks you've got the grand canyon you got bikes flying off of it you know fucking extreme fucking extreme sports, fucking up the strip, and you've got to open it on the strip, because if you go backwards, you're not listening to this right now, you're listening to it tomorrow, and that doesn't even make any sense, so listen to this now, and listen to this here, because this is the answer right now, if you don't need to listen to the rest of this pod, honestly, you never had to listen to this podcast, but

you don't need to listen to the rest of it pod honestly you never had to listen to this podcast but you don't need to listen to the rest of it definitely if you just hear this one thing coming from me right now curses curses is his name he was cursed in his grave and he's cursed in his body and he's cursed for the man and the rest of his life. What are you talking about, Martha? Martha, I thought we had a beautiful life together. It's not you. It's you. What does that even mean? Is it me or is it me?

Is it you? It must be you. When I bought this cabin from a whore years ago, outside of the Grand Canard, I thought to myself, I will want to live here for the rest of my life with you, ghost man. Well, why can't we? Oh, fuck, the toilet's full of shit. We'll have to clean it out with our mouths. Yes, I do. We'll have to clean it out with our mouths. Yes,

I do believe we will have to clean it out with our mouths, Martha. I thought you were Martha. Yes, who's Martha in this situation? It's fucking you! All right. So I think that we all learned something from that episode, and that's that curses can really ruin a marriage. episode, and that's that curses can really ruin a marriage, and if you don't settle the curse, or get it fixed, or talk to the witch, or cut her tits off, or kill the bitch, you're gonna be eating shit out of a toilet, and no one likes to do that, except for people who are into scat pornography, and I don't understand that shit at all, you know, because I've been pissed on, and I've been fucked, and I've been farted on, I've been shit on and, you know, cut and kissed and, and kicked, you know, but I think the most important thing that ever happened to me was getting pissed on. I mean, if I had to pick one of them is all

I'm saying, you know, cause that taught me a valuable lesson. Never accept a man's proposal to piss on you and then keep your fucking mouth open the whole time. Because it'll go in there. He'll aim for exactly that part of you if he does it, you know. And it tasted like kind of good, man. He must have drank like 20 Gatorades before we fucking rolled up, fucking snapped legs and got it going with the pissing. We fucking rolled up, fucking snapped legs and got it going with the pissing. Because when you're getting pissed on by a rich old man, you know, you got to say to yourself, I made it. I'm at the place I want to be, you know.

I think a lot of people, that's what's fucked up about a lot of people who do crack and stuff like that. And they're like, oh, I hit the bottom. I hit the low point of my fucking life. And I'm making my time work, you know. And I hit the low point of my fucking life and I'm making my time work, you know, and I hit the low and I'm just like, dude, I love getting pissed on and I love being addicted to crack. It's fucking fun, man. You got something to live for more crack when I'm not doing crack. I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck is the point. What doing these episodes for you? All my many fans, man, I don't even know you exist. You say you exist, but it could all just be some fucking What the fuck is the point? What, doing these episodes for you, all my many fans? Man, I don't even know you exist.

You say you exist, but it could all just be some fucking bullshit conspiracy by the government to fucking convince me that I got friends. And that's not what we, as an American people, have come here to talk about. Oh, you can stop saying when, by the way. You're done with the game. You made it. You won. to talk oh you can stop saying win by the way you're done with the game you made it you won if you said it over 200 times in that last five minutes then you have completed the task and i'll send you an award so just let me know if you won the win game hit me up via a text or a symphony

um recording and it's mailed to me and say i won won the win game. I said it many times during the five minutes and I'll put a placard up on the wall for you and my house. So there you go. And I think my brothers and my druthers, I guess it's time for shout outs because we had a few this week. I got a shout out for the Daniel brothers.

I love those guys. They have perfected the art of 69 on themselves, and I have to commend them for that because they're related. It's super fucking gross. I want to thank the fucking retard boys because they finally, finally decided that their name was not really good to be saying,

so they changed themselves to these special dumb fuckers. And I've drowned once and was and was saved by a chick with big fucking badass tits right she had the biggest tits and I made the biggest load for him and her name was fucking Sharon and I want to send a shout out to you Sharon thanks for saving my life and thanks for the countless fucking loads I fucking popped out thinking about your tits rubbing against me while you're giving me cpr you fucking smelly whore you know i mean you know what women are going to be upset that i'm saying whore and bitch so much but when i say

that i'm not saying it like in a bad way i'm saying it like i would say you know any racist or something thing you know like with love and care about it and sympathy and feeling bad about it i feel bad about the you know the prostitutes that have had to endure the fucking gross old men's fucking choppy fucking bungs and bops and bips giving them nasty fucking donkey ass fucking shoots all over their fucking in between their shit and their tit you know between the shit and the tit you know between the shit and the tit that's where i like to pop but we're not here to talk about the places i like to pop at you know we're here to talk about the fucking the burning man festival man coming to you fucking

alive we've got burning man you know you know what i say holdenator convention we're gonna meet up holdenator meet up right i'm organizing it now we're gonna ride into burning man and we're gonna fucking have hoses we're gonna piss into big containers and connect them to hoses and we're gonna fucking just shoot every one of those fucking loser fucking artsy fartsy dickheads and their drug idol brains with all of our fucking piss and fucking teach them that you can't be there's you know you can't pay money to be free right so that's a fucking shit way to live you know and chinese people but there's not a way to get it across there's a way to get it back from i always say you got to take to give 28 you take from one man and you give to another man and if you're not taking you ain't giving buster you know buster keaton you fucking

slouch you know i've taken from all the best i've taken from the greats and i've taken from the gods you know and they get a big iou from this guy i'll tell you what right now i mean and that's come straight from my fucking sack and in my sack i got a lot of things i'm not talking about my santa sack because that's full of gifts i'm talking about my bag of balls and what's inside that bag because it's more than just balls it's also a slushy slime you fucking snooties so um we're really kind of bringing out the pain today you know we're gonna come back up here we're gonna tell you fuckers a couple things about i want to say the third amendment right is that the one where they don't let us fucking have rights that's a shit amendment man if you don't want to give me a car for free and you want to tell me i gotta give a get a job to fucking pay for my apartment then i'll tell you

i'd rather fucking live in it for free and when you come around asking for then i'll tell you i'd rather fucking live in it for free and when you come around asking for money i'll tell you to go fuck yourself you know because that's when you get real fucking angry and you also get really angry when i go go to town we can't go to town because we've all turned brown and if we turn brown then we have a frown You'll never wear the crown Cause you're in the ground Dead man It's a dead, dead man And it's a bad man

It's a red, red man It's an engine You move the headstones But you didn't move the bodies, did you? You move the fucking headstones But you fucking didn't move the motherfucking bodies, did you? You gone fucker You gone fucker fucking didn't move the motherfucking bodies, did you? You cunt fucker! You cunt fucker!

You don't know what your brain is at! You don't know what your brain is at! Did it go away? Did it go inside your fucking mother's mind? You're a dead man to me, man! One. Holden talks for 30 minutes.