The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Metalligher

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

Today on Round Table: a Floridian gets a year in prison for killing nine baby ducks with a lawnmower, a glass table explodes in a Canadian town with a curious name, and a mystery pooper in Norway is terrorizing a golf course. Joining us today: Kellen Maloney, Lyra Smith, Halle Kiefer, and Nick Turner!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Here are our gentlemen. All right. Everybody close your eyes

for a very cool and comfy guided meditation. You're me, and I just got the Batman game, and you put it in your PlayStation 4, and you're fucking Batman flying around. Reach over the table and fucking hit hold of your face. You're at the dinner table every night

praying. I'm so hungry. He's just starving. But first you always have to say your very important prayer. And so he goes, oh, I want this sausage so bad, but first, dear God, thank you for letting me get hard for once a month last night.

That's not bad. Once a month, Eddie. I'm on a streak. Yeah. Amen. Everybody, open your eyes and welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Edward Larson, he's been hard eight times so far this year. And the months are going to keep on coming.

I haven't had a year like this since 17. You're crushing it, Eddie. 1917. Edwards. Edwards. Edwards boners are hard. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Let's go through the names because we do it every week. I'm here, man.

I got my cough medicine at the ready. So if anybody wants some, I'm fucking slinging it like it's whiskey today. That looks like some leg-ass cough medicine. Did you go to the same dude that Patrick Stewart went to in It's a Wonderful Life? It looks like straight out of a 1930s pharmacy. Where the hell did you get that old-timey bottle of medicine? No, I just keep it in my purse so I can have it whenever I fucking need it. But if you want to try it, it's the most disgusting thing in the entire world.

Yeah, come have some. All right, very good. So Jackie's passing around drugs to random chuckle hunters. Very nice. They're going to OD. Robo-tripping. This is what happened to Wyatt Earp's wife. She got too hopped up on this shit, and then he fucking had to go hook up with that actress broad.

Oh, absolutely. I think this is how Phil Spector killed that woman. Jackie, you're going to be the next one. It was a mistake. Oh, I know it. It was a mistake. I'm not sick. She had the gun in the mouth.

She was being all sexy with the gun in her mouth. And then he's like, oh, no, no mistake. She had the gun in the mouth. She was being all sexy with the gun in her mouth. And then he's like, oh, no, no, don't put the gun in your mouth. And she pulled it out and the thing hit her teeth and then she pulled the trigger and she died. I do not. Yes, he's a monster for having a gun and putting it in the hands of a drunk woman. Yes, he is a monster for that. But did he pull the trigger? I don't

think so. Phil Spector. Wyatt Earp's wife died in a much, much worse way. It doesn't come up enough that Eddie was there the night that woman died at Phil Spector's house. I was so just happy to be in the room. Yep. I was there when the dog fighting was happening in Atlanta. Oh, who's that dog fighter?

R. Kelly. Vic. All right. Vic. Michael Vic. R. Kelly's a dogfighter. I hope so. He'd be good at it.

Oh, he would be the best at it. He'd pee on all of them. All right. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, who cannot be here tonight, is Nick Turner. Thanks so much for being here, Nick. Hey. Hi, thanks. All right.

I shot down Bird Luger, and then I became him. Oh, wonderful. So you have a lot of money right now and too much success? Oh, yeah. Too much. I'm terrible. And I don't deserve it. And I work so hard, but it's not worth it.

Wow, Nick, you're like fucking Bane. Yeah, bro. You broke Batman's back in that game. That was horrible. Hold it. Oh, tried to skip me. Never skipped me again. Never skipped me again. Never skipped me again.

No, because Nick spoke, so I had to address him. It's the rules of hosting. Oh, man. I think it was a good try, Ben. You should try again. Yes. So, Nick Turner, you're here. Hallie and Lyra, thank you so much for being here.

Hello. You got it. No problem. There's bitches in the corners, that's what it sounds like. That's exactly what it is, and I think it's wonderful. It's nice to be around a female voice. You want us to be your yes men. Absolutely.

Alright. Very erotic. Very erotic. Good job. We like him. That guy kisses a full head of hair. And what a big head for all that hair to sit on. It's amazing.

You're the tallest guy here. Did you know that? I am the tallest guy here, and I do have the largest head. Neither of those things are positive, so let's move on. Six pound ears on him. Right. Yes, I'm the Dumbo of the podcast, but unfortunately, I can't fly. Dumbo's mother dies.

Yes, and my mother is still alive, so I wish I was Dumbo. That's the only difference. Yes, I agree. You know, instead of dog fighting rings, why don't they have dog fucking rings? That is more disgusting. That way it's so friendly. Yeah, you just put two dogs, horny dogs together, and you take bets on who's going to fuck who. Oh, I thought you get to step in the ring yourself for enough money.

That's what I was thinking as well. Oh, no, no. I mean, I guess that'd be like a Taiwanese dog fucking ring. I'm talking about something that's perfectly wholesome and legal. It can be not just dogs, but also other animals like turtles and stuff like that. Turtles are legal. You put two corny of the same animal together, or maybe different animals too. I don't know if that counts as bestiality.

And you just watch them fuck. Nobody, no men and women are getting involved. Is there going to be like goofy sound effects? Sure, yeah. And you take bets on how quick the load gets out. Yeah, the way that your voice raised when you said sure makes me feel like you already have this on your at-home desktop. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, no, the load got out. I wish I could train a dog to pull out and finish on the other dog's side. That is disturbing. If I could, would you pay me $20 to watch it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You've got groceries. There's no single listener of this podcast that wouldn't.

Capitalism gone awry. Kellen Maloney, you're also here. What's up, Ben? Summertime. Begging butt, don't care what. I love it. All right. Double lady corners.

I love what's happening. Ben, you're looking good, man I look terrible No, you look good Summertime suits you Thank you so much How about a Kellen fucking ring? Kellen gets in the ring

We just throw a boy man in there A boy man? I don't know Like a big strong guy But he's like, hey! Just like the opposite of what you guys look like Freshly shaved Alright, we're all man boys

Man boys! Only two types of men in this world Man boys and boy men guys look like. Freshly shaved. We're all man boys. Man boys. Only two types of men in this world. Man boys and boy men. I love both of them. Platonically, of course. Alright, Marcus, let's get to a news story. The groundskeeper of a Norwegian golf course said a mystery pooper targeting course holes

must be a man, quote, because the poops are too massive to be from a woman. No way. Oh, that's fucking sexist. I never lived with a woman. Jackie, biggest dump you've ever had? Oh, man, the size of my thigh.

That's my biggest. A tree trunk we're talking about. Yeah, I thought it was an anaconda coming out of my ass. Oh, my God. I would read a... Just as J-Lo was there, God. I would read a Tumblr account that was just pictures of dumps competitive eaters took the day after competition. Well, I think, don't they usually vomit right after they eat all the hot dogs or hamburgers? They're not supposed to.

No, but once they've passed whatever the time is, they have to get it down and prove that it's swallowed, then they can throw up after that. Is that what it is? It's like the swallowing is what counts as eating it? Yes. You're right. You have to keep it inside your stomach. It's equivalent to a weightlifter who, when they hold the weight over their head, they have to do it for a certain amount of time. But after that, I think you just

puke it all out. Man, anyone else have to make weight for sports when they were young? Never. No way. Not officially. Man, that shit's tough. You had to, Ben. I had to make weight in the weirdest way as a wrestler. Most wrestlers are trying to cut weight, get that six pack.

And my coach wanted me to be the fattest and tallest I could possibly be, which was 6'7 and 275 pounds. How many? What's the... No one else was my size. And the people that I lost to were all like 5'10", 250, and they all went on to play real... They were real athletes. Oh, yeah, they were

taking you down. I was trying to joke with them and stuff, and believe it or not, they were serious on the mat. But yeah, I was 38 and 8 my senior year. I got third in state. Third in state. But Division III. That sounds like a terrible record to get third. Yeah, well, you know, I tried and I gave it my best.

There was a locked hands call in the second round that kind of bothers me to this day and I hope the ref is dead. Wow. I hate him. Let's find that out. What was the ref's name? Dickhead Fuckface. I have no idea.

No, I just ran into him. No, he's still alive. He's doing great. He's a millionaire now? Yeah, he works at the DMV. We're five. Good. But yes, I was always forced to be.

That's why I gained 180 pounds after high school, Eddie. That's why. Yeah, because I was forced to eat, and then I stopped exercising, and I kept on eating, and then I just became massive. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. That's the police have been forcing me to eat lately, why I got all big. And you're saying your girlfriend believes this. What are they forcing you to eat?

The cops caught me again, baby. They got me. They got me. They took me straight to Petey's Burgers. Oh, man. Said, you order, you get this man a number two, and if I don't see bacon on that burger, I'm going to shoot everybody.

You're a lifesaver. Just another victim of the cops. What do they force you to eat mostly um but yeah pd's burgers or burger club all burger all burger all the time if i could just live in a hamburger i would you have a subscription to burger club is that how it works yeah i tried to become a member they were like it's just the name of the restaurant i feel stop lying to me i don't think you heard me, sir. How do I become a member of the Burger Club? It's just the name.

It's just the name. And it's a prescription, not a subscription. The doctor's trying to kill Holden. So are the cops. Okay, so let's go back and talk about golf. Wait, is he shitting in the holes? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Kenneth Tynfjord, the groundskeeper at the Stavanger Golf Club in... It's in Norway. He said that he's been finding human feces and toilet paper in coarse holes since 2005. Oh, then it's definitely a woman because they're using toilet paper. If it were a man, he would just shit and walk away. I thought because a man would never commit so long. That's what I was expecting.

Tin Fjord said he has a couple of favorite holes and we know it's a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman. He poos only on weekdays. On weekends, I have never found poo on the golf course. I say, what do you think, Eddie? Guy or gal?

It's a gal, for sure. Well, there's even more clues involved here. Did you find a beret? Poo! It's a Frenchman! It's a Frenchman! There's a baguette! We found a birth certificate. There's all these baguettes. There's a baguette. Yeah. We found the birth certificate.

Uh-oh. Well, the managing director of the club, Steiner Floysvik, said the mystery pooper used to arrive via bicycle. He said, in the early morning dew, we observed... Good job, bicycle. You got that in the article? He said, in the early morning due, we observed bicycle tracks

on the course. Footsteps showed that he had done his business and the bicycle tracks disappeared back the way they came. I love that it's his business. He's getting a paycheck every week. What do you do for a living? I'm a mailman. What do you do? I shit in the holes at the golf course. You wouldn't believe it.

I'm making six grand a month. Do you you do a shit in the holes at the golf course yeah you wouldn't believe it I'm making six grand a month do you read the weird section in the paper that's me yeah this is how I make all my cash he's getting a lot of advertising for this place

of course he is it could be an inside job it might be I'm sure it's the ground keepers himself he's the ground keeper himself no way and he's cleaning out

his own do's every day morning do do's morning do do's he's cleaning out his own do's every day. Morning do do's. Morning do do's. He's got it. I think it's the mayor of Norway. No one would suspect the mayor of Norway. All of the money, man. This could go all the way to the top.

All the way to the top. Qui bono. I hate your qui bono. Good God. It's the publicity. The poop-licity. Yeah. Fruity. Asshole. Come on, publicity. The poop-licity. Yeah. Frody.

Asshole. Come on, those. Those, yeah. That's pretty good. That's great. Yeah, man. Frody Jermaland, another groundskeeper, said that the club installed high-powered spotlights to discourage the defecation, but the poop-a-traitor disabled them.

Oh, my God. I was going to say, they probably just helped traitor disabled them. Oh my god. I was going to say that probably just helped them find the hole easier. Right, just made them a star. Just a family of raccoons. Yep. Frody said he climbed up a tree next to the lights and wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights.

How he managed the feet without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle. I think he meant to say mystery. I don't think it's a riddle. Well, I mean, how would that riddle even go? I have no idea. I'm not smart enough to know of a riddle.

How did he poop in a hole? Yeah, halfway. Jackie, what do you think? How did Neifert dork? She's got it. Fleerity, hereity, neerity. If a man had poop coming out his bottom, he'd shimmy up a log. But wait.

You know the accent and everything. You know the accent and everything. Start it over. You can't accent and everything. Start it over. You can't get through it. Start over. I'm not a sphinx. Start from the beginning. Sphinx.

Sphinx. Sphinx. Not sphinx. Un-sphinx. One, two, three. Sphinx. That's fine. So we have silence.

I would love to hear the riddle. I'm trying to be. If the man. Start from the beginning. If the man. If the man Start from the beginning If the man If the man goes I'm doing it in a Norwegian accent If the man He goes

With the poop Out he shots Up a fjord Down the mountain Where does The poop end In the ocean In the sea

In the fucking cup It's in the hole In the golf. In the sea. In the fucking cup. It's in the hole of the golf course. The sixth hole. For this man to make a hole in one, he must start from his colon. Whoa. That's a rhyme. So we have riddles and rhymes.

Some riddles rhyme. I really thought that was a riddle for half of it. Marcus, what's a popular riddle? You see me quite often, but don't really care. Time. The wind. Your shadow. Let her finish, woman. If you pass by me, you'll often stop and stare.

I can't speak or see, but don't think me uncouth. Because no matter what, I always tell the truth. Your dick. What am I? A clock. A clock? A dick. I still I always tell the truth. You're a dick. What am I? A clock. A clock? A dick. I still think it's the wind.

You think it's the wind? Shadow. Shadow? I don't know. Peter Dinklage before he was famous? The sun. I'm going to say your reflection. The sun.

A mirror. Ah, fuck you. So no one got it. No, we're just going to. I got it. I got it. The guy looking at the one got it. No, Marcus got it. I got it. The guy looking at the site got it. No, you have to actually have to click show the answer. Interesting, the guy cheating got it.

Marcus, how far can you walk into the woods? Personally? How far can you walk into the woods? How far can I walk into the woods? As far as my legs will take me. Pretty good. Not so. What is it then? Halfway.

What? Yeah. Kellen just thinks he's the smartest human being. I got it. I came here. I'll see you guys later. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Insights into how Kellen picks up guys. This is how I do it.

This is how I do it. It doesn't even take that much. I don't know. It's mostly just like, hi. It's the eye contact length if you watch TV. Just banter like a lady in the tramp. I just bat my eyes. What piece of spaghetti?

That's how I kill the gay guy, Kellen. I just bring my spaghetti. All right. So the mystery poopers he'll be caught one day and hopefully they never do yep one day we can move on to porn for our next story oh let's do it depends

porn hub just released the findings of a study that reveals a certain subsection of young millennial men are very much into porn involving the colorful, magical little ponies of My Little Pony.

The ponies! Thank coddling parents for this sexual nightmare. That's why I got past Pornhub. That's why you gotta go to the XNXX. Oh, XNXX. That place can get dark real fast. I was a girl and I found out my boyfriend was looking at brony porn, I'm leaving him immediately. I could go with pretty much anything other than brony porn.

Diaper. Yeah, yeah. Diaper baby. They want to wear a diaper and be treated like a baby? This has affected my Google results because there is a character named Lyra. Yeah. Google results because there's a character named Lyra. And when you look up Lyra, it is little stuffed plush dolls that they have built

vaginas into so they can fuck them. And that's what you see when you look for them. You don't know how many of those I went through before we met. Nick and Lyra are dating. Hold on, they come with skin? Nick, you brony. Yes, bronies, if you don't know, are generally adult or teenage male fans of the 2010 My Little Pony Magic Friendship is Magic reboot.

The sexual deviant... Oh, it's a reboot thing? Yeah, they're fans of the new one. They don't like the old one because the old ones are a little big. They like the new skinny ones. Yeah, because they're of the new one. They don't like the old one because the old ones are, you know, a little big. They like the new skinny ones. Yeah, because they're more like teenage girls. Have you seen the actuals? They're on Netflix.

It's weird. I want to see. There is a... It's like Pretty Little Liars. Yeah, let's see these fucking whores. With hooves. There's a documentary on Netflix that talks about the brony phenomenon. It's interesting. But at the same time,

they don't really get into the sexual nature. Oh, they are cute. Oh, look at my butt. Oh, I'd fuck them. Yeah. You'd fuck a slice of pizza. Yeah, the sexual deviant splinter cell of the bronies

are known as cloppers. I love that name. Yeah, cloppers is a great name. Eddie, what kind of little pony would you want to be? A little more personality. Yeah. Is that the next year of football player, maybe? Are they like Care Bears?

They're each psychosomatic? I think they have their own power. I know the most popular is named Fluttershy. They have little tattoos on them the same way Care Bears do. I'm the one with an attitude. Can you imagine if it was 1988 and a bunch of grown men were into Care Bears?

I'd rather fuck Lionheart. It's better they're into this than fucking children. It seems like it's probably released for them. I'm going to say you're closer to having sex with a kid once you start jacking off to an animated pony. No, no, no. See, what this porn actually is,

it's women dressed as ponies. Look at that. That's part of it right there. Oh, I see. That's a tall woman in a bikini. Yeah, she's not dressed like a pony. She has the ears like a pony, Eddie. Be creative.

They cropped out the ears in that picture. Well, I'm going to Pornhub, and I'm searching for floppers, all right? I'm only attracted to horses that have recently eaten a woman. Oh, man, there's a whole bunch of them. The hentai is the one you're looking for. Okay, yeah, so it is mostly, yeah, it is animated. Before we go any further, Marcus, can you please put your dick away? Rockhard, you're about to come all over nick oh i never understood jerking off to a cartoon have you done that marcus oh yeah you know you want something different every once in a while and

marcus the only one i think here probably anybody else jerked off to a cartoon yes yeah i like that it's called uh my little porny though i appreciate appreciate that. Well, yeah, I mean, that's what the Pornhub... Did you guys know that Pornhub has a blog called Pornhub Insights? Yeah, what are they talking about? They talk about Pornhub. What's coming up on Pornhub? You can look for more fucking... Less sucking, though.

Less sucking this season, yeah. It's kind of crazy. They're also getting BoJack Horseman. And the new season of Community oh my god how great would it be if Pornhub and Netflix merged into one that would crush they literally would just control the world it is crazy that there's no porn on my Apple TV

alright Marcus what's the next news story alright this one is out of Canada a Manitoba family's morning started with a bang today after their glass top table suddenly shattered in their dining room out of Canada, a Manitoba family's morning started with a bang today after their glass-topped table suddenly shattered in their dining room. A woman named Chantal Ruckel

from the town of Niverville Chantal Ruckel Very close to being Ruckel Very hard to win in life. I am uncomfortable. They sell milk. Yeah, that's it. Milk and trout.

Well, we got both foods. We got milk and we got trout. It's Niverville after all. That's pretty much it. Their glass table exploded. I just wanted to say Chantal Ruckel from Niverville. After all, that's pretty much it. Their glass table exploded. I just wanted to say, I just wanted to say Chantal Ruckel from Niverville. It's one of the best sentences.

You read every story then. She says, I ran to the kitchen and our table was completely, I don't know, exploded or something. She said, oh my gosh, did one of the kids do something, you know, but there was nobody around and everybody was closed up in the house. So her table broke, and it made the news. Well, there's not a whole lot going on in Niverville. Man, every time he said it, it's just like, oh, it's going to die. It's just the name of the town is Niverville.

I broke a light bulb last week, and I called the post, and they refused to cover that shot. What's the high school mascot in Neverville? Let's take a guess. The Never guy. Like a tumbleweed. I'm going to guess it's dysentery. There's one here in New York.

I'm going to guess it's the Badgers. Oh, yes. Very good. Yeah, there's one here in New York as well. There's one in New York. Multiple Nivervilles. Yeah. It's the worst name I've ever heard.

You hear that, Niverville? We're coming. We're coming after you. What about Liverville? You change. You just take the N out of there. Liverville, we're fine. I mean, Niverville is not a slur.

What's the population of Niverville? It is a town of 1,662. Ichabod Crane High School? Yes, Neverville has the Ichabod Crane High School. So haunted. That man off with his head. I'm trying to find it here.

It's gotta be the Pumpkinheads. Pumpkinheads. The Neverville Pumpkinheads? That's amazing. It's kind of badass is it is it this is a high school

let's write a script that has nothing to do with any of this oh you want to make a good script how about a like a survival script like a guy

straight out of Desert Island we'll call it Cast Away 2 it'll be awesome there'll be no talking in the entire movie Jackie

he comes back at the end of the first one. Jackie, what do you think you would be doing if you were a housewife in Neverville? Oh, my God. I would be living my fucking dream, man. I'd have all my pumpkin heads up in their rooms, safe at night, man. Because you don't want to walk the streets of Neverville, man. Because you don't know what's going to happen out there.

Oreos delivered door to door. You literally know everyone in that town because it's only 1,600 people. Neverville. It just depends on how southern you are. Ichabod Crane wrote The Headless Horseman or The Legend of Sleepy Hollow in Neverville.

Oh my god! That's amazing. Set my pumpkin head on fire. Believe it. Wow. So a lot of wonderful things have happened. So who's the mascot? I can't find it.

Wikipedia. I know. I've looked at three different Ichabod Crane High School Wikipedia pages and not a single one of them mentions the mascot. No. It's got to single one of them mentions the mascot. No! That's got to be on the right in the column. I bet it's something lame like the nerds or something. Yeah, the Neverville nerds.

Definitely the nerds. The Neverville nerds. Why would they not be the flaming pumpkins? I don't know. Why is it going to be on fire? I don't think they got flaming in the title. The headless horse bends ablaze. Of course.

Yeah, it's always on fire. Yeah, when he's angry or aroused. That would be a really good halftime show. He's always aroused. Oh. Of course. Yeah, it's always on fire. Yeah, when he's angry or aroused. That would be a really good halftime show. He's always aroused. Oh, of course. He's always, yeah. Yeah, he's dead. The aroused man.

Is that the mascot? Yes. Yes. Singular. Dead aroused man. I love how bad Marcus is getting that they don't have a mascot. This should be so. Google.

Income on great eyes goal. Mascot. Margaret. They're like. You think I haven't done it? You think I haven't done that? You think that wasn't the first thing that I goozled over? It's a whole picture of the baseball team. It doesn't say anything anywhere.

You can find Google at google.com. I think it's a whole... Finally! The Riders. Oh! I think it's a ride the pussy. I bet they do all that stuff. riders. Oh! I had to fucking find a picture and look in the

background of one of the fucking what is it? The student athletes. Fuck you, Roma Mazzariello. Marcus, let's not get too angry. I like that theme song, though. I love it. Oh, not get too angry. I like that theme song though. Ikeba gonna ride the pussy. Is that what you're saying?

Oh, Niverville rides the pussy. You never know who's doing it. As long as it's being ridden, that's all that matters. I think we should have a round table field trip. I agree. We could all drive up there. Yeah, but then what about Sleepy Hollow?

I don't know. I will say to this guy's credit, he can't exactly name it Neverville. That would change that story a bunch. It'd be cooler if it was Neverville. And you'd say it with a British accent. Neverville.

I hate it. You're a British retard. You say Neverville. With some H's and W's that aren't there. Well, the Niverville in Canada was named for an 18th century fur trader named Joseph Claude Boucher, Chevalier de Niverville.

Oh, God, yeah. I hate all that French bullshit they speak up there, man. 30 miles outside of Winnipeg. Isn't that, of course. Great. That's exactly where that man should reside. All right. So wonderful.

So the table broke. Yep, sure did. And that was big news. It's 84 degrees in Winnipeg right now. Oh, isn't that nice? The weather right now. Oh, yes. I forgot. How is the weather?

It's 84 degrees in Winnipeg, Canada right now. What about the surrounding counties? What's the weather in Neverville? Chance of rain would be helpful. The one in New York. I don't care about Manitoba.

It is 87 degrees and balmy in Neverville, Manitoba. Hard 87 degrees and balmy in neverville manitoba hard r on that it is scattered thunderstorms on monday in neverville new york be sure to be careful on your morning commute it's going to be 87 degrees the high high, but a nice 64 degrees low. Winds south by southwest, 5 miles per hour. Enjoy your day, Neverville. All right, a wonderful town, a wonderful community. Every news story gets a news report. A weather report?

Please. Oh, please. We can go to South Africa. Oh, no, let's go to Florida for our next one. South Africa. South Africa or Florida? I, let's go to Florida for our next one. North Africa. South Africa or Florida? I guarantee it's thunderstorms. Have you guys ever done an episode that did not involve a story in Florida?

Probably not. Maybe not. So we better go to Florida. Florida's the Africa of America. It's very... Whoa! Everybody loves it. No, no, it's the Niverville of America.

A lot of bath salts. All right. Out of Wellington. Hey, I bath salts. Out of Wellington. Hey, I used to play them in football. They are racist. They're the county. They're rich. A man who intentionally slaughtered

nine baby ducks by driving a lawnmower over them has pleaded guilty to felony animal cruelty charges and will spend the next year in the Palm Beach County Jail. Fuck yeah, that's a tough joke. Hmm? Okay.

That must have taken a while. I know, they're all in a row. Sometimes they just like cross the road at the same time. And he was on a ride. He was getting caught. Was he bragging about it? No, he was witnessed. Boyd Ginch.

He was the resident who called the Palm Beach Animal... The Palm Beach County Animal Care and Control About the slaying of the ducks He said they should have just thrown away the keys Okay, first of all They should not have I have a personal disdain for this story As a country that eats more meat

Than any country in the face of the fucking planet For all time We've consumed more meat in the history of humanity In the past 20 years than in the past 20 years than in the past 6 billion. He didn't eat the fucking ducks after he did it. One year's life

human being for nine ducks that would be eaten I made a joke earlier what Chris Christie ate probably already this week nine ducks something like this.

I mean, I don't feel like a human being should serve one year in prison for nine ducks. Public beating. A public beating. With the ducks. How many ducks do you think would be worth it? No amount of ducks.

20 ducks. You're going 20 ducks? I'm going no. You can kill unlimited ducks. Nine ducks, I'd say he deserves two months in jail. What did he do but tell a joke that didn't go right? If there are too many ducks, the government comes in and kills the ducks. Yeah.

You know? No, they don't. Clearly there were too many ducks around. He didn't get joy out of it. They did it at LaGuardia. There was too many geese. They did it at Prospect Park, too. That must have been a fun job.

Yeah, there's like hundreds of them. They just took them. Yeah, why didn't he go look for this job? Yeah, they didn't come back. It's like the bums with the... What's his name? Nope. Mayor.

All right, so basically what happened was everybody's hero, Sully Sullenberg, who landed the plane in, what, the Hudson. You know, he's America's favorite dude with a mustache, the only one that we like. A plane, a Canadian goose, a spy from the north, hit his plane, sending it down to the water. A couple of them. So they went and they gassed all the geese, and everyone was upset.

But if I'm in a plane, I'm happy to know there's no geese around. Yeah, absolutely. They can take down a plane. They gassed them? They had to. So they put poisonous gas in the air? Yeah, all the ducks went, whoa.

Anybody at home makes like kind of shaking his head all wobbly like. So you're comparing these geese that could get into a plane and take down a whole plane to these little ducks that are walking across a road to maybe get into a tiny lake. No, but you could

ride on a road with a goddamn lawnmower. You want to know the timeline? He's not going to serve the full year. Let's hear the timeline. All right. So, this is what Mr. Ginch, Boyd Ginch, told them. This guy's a piece of shit, by the way.

Yeah, he's a piece of shit. Look at his fucking... Boyd Ginch, you can't trust him. He's in it for the ducks. He told Officer Tanya quinones that he was tiny eyed tanya oh there's officer tiny ad queen but i see everything he was feeding a female muscovy duck and her 11 ducklings outside of his home he went inside after he left food out for them near a tree with his wife, Larissa Gonchar,

and their son. He said, we have five to six families of ducks come here at least two to three times a day, so they love their ducks. Gonchar joined Jench at his door when they observed this man named Falbo? The duck killer. I believe the duck killer is... Is this like a Vikingbo? The duck killer. I believe the duck killer is...

Is this like a viking tale? What are these names? Gonchar and Zinch. Raping and pillaging? Falbo. Are you listing everybody's parents too? They saw Falbo riding on a lawnmower. Me, son of Falbo.

I kill mice. Conan the Barbarian? Or like a wrong doll book? And so Falbo started to head toward the mother and her baby ducks when he then ran directly over the ducklings and body parts were

scattered all over the lawn. Gonchar and Jinch Jonka, Jonka Jonka, Jonka Jonka, Jonka Gonchar and Jinch ran out to Falbo yelling at him to stop, but Falbo

smiled, backed up his mower and continued to kill more ducklings. Kisly, you are defending this fucking man? What I am saying to you is it is hypocrisy for us to pretend like we care about nine ducks. He backed up and went for the ducklings again.

This guy needs to be wiped off the face of the planet. Oh, now you're treating him like a duck. Public beat him. I don't treat ducks like that. I would never treat a duck like that. But the only reason he's going to jail is because humans saw the interaction and the humans were hurt.

Nobody cares about the duck. The ducks care. They're dead. Then they don't care. Tell me the stress level of a dead person. I don't know, Ben. You sound like a fucking duck killer right now. I'm not a duck killer. You sound like a fucking duck killer right now. I'm not a duck killer! You sound like a

human killer. Marcus, what's the duck killer? Is your real name Grongo? It is Grongo. Yes, my real name is Grongo. My real name is Taniki. Oh, he sounds like the sneaky one. Now that we're sharing our real names. Eddie, your real name?

Glugugug. Oh my Now that we're sharing our real names. Eddie, your real name? Glug-glug-glug. Oh, right. This is really enlightening. Oh, my God. And he was on the job at the time. The mother duck and her four remaining ducklings avoided the mower and headed to a nearby lake, but two ducklings later drowned from their injuries. Falbo's employer, Wayne Soine, from Reliable Lawn Care, told Quinones that it was Falbo's first day on the job.

He also said Falbo was not mowing the lawn in the right path. But Gentsch said it was Falbo's first day driving the mower truck, not his first day on the job. And he'd seen Falbo in their neighborhood once or twice before. Gentsch said just looking, just seeing the look on his face, it told me he was a very violent person inside, Ben. I don't like him. A serial killer. What is the markings? It was his first day.

He thought forward was reverse. And then he thought reverse was forward. He thought ducks were grass. And then he ran over the ducks, but then you have to smile. You have to laugh, you know? You have to laugh. It was a mistake. The other thing about this guy guy he's just like running

over the dogs like ah he thinks everyone else is gonna think it's hilarious i'm just that's how fucked up this guy's brain is right right well as everybody eats their steak and their ham sandwiches tonight just remember that you're better than the guy who killed the nine ducks. I would be glad to see him in an open mic, though. Just to see what he'd bring in, you know? It would be hilarious. No, but Ben, what you're saying, like, if people were a part of the murdering

of the animals that they ate, there'd be a lot less meat eaters. Yeah, it would take a true sociopath. Yes, exactly what you're saying. So that's the defining line between people who just eat meat and this guy who's actively murdering animals. But we don't know if he ate the ducks or not.

He did not. He did not. If he ate them, it's good. We do know that for a fact that he did not eat them. Did anyone of these so-called good Samaritans come on over and build a fire,

cook that shit up, and munch, munch, munch? They all have caveman names, so we know they can create fire. No, I feel bad for the ducks. Me, Groco, you, fire. I'm woman. What do you want, woman?

Fire. And that ends the saga of Gonchar, Gencht, and Falbo. Thank God. Goodbye, Falbo. And let. Goodbye to all of them. And let us move on now to South Africa. Oh!

A 24-year-old self-styled South African prophet who allegedly commanded a snake to turn into chocolate, then had his parishioners feast on the reptile as a show of their faith in God's power, was also He was also arrested for animal cruelty over the weekend.

This is a picture of him feeding the snake, which is obviously not made of chocolate, to a man. Who thought it was chocolate? So it wasn't an illusion? No. He just said, this is chocolate. He said, this is chocolate. Eat the snake.

This is chocolate. Eat it. Eat it. Eat it. And the guy tried, and he did eat it and they ate it. I mean, when I was a child

and my mother used to make terrible food, she wasn't much of a cook. We were more of a frozen pizza family. I would always fantasize that everything on the plate was, you know,

chocolate or some random peanut butter dish. Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to eat bunny rabbits and, you know, they were chocolate. Yeah. Is that right, Nick?

Or are you... You sound like a real Feldo right now Nick Feldo yes photos posted to the Facebook page of End Times Disciples Ministries in Shoshanguve South Africa led by the controversial young prophet

the controversial young prophet. The controversial young prophet, Penuel Nguni. Nguni. Nguni. Nguni. I'll tell you, the falls in Shashkabuni are just to die for. Yeah, what's the weather report in Shashkabuni? That's a very young prophet, right? I mean, prophets usually die so young.

He's 24. It is 46 degrees in Shashkabuni, prophets usually... He's 24. It is 46 degrees in Shoshenguvi, South Africa. It's winter over there. It's Celsius. That is Fahrenheit, my friend. Yeah, it's degrees. It's winter. Alright, so it's cold and they're eating

chocolate snakes. It sounds like paradise. Accompanying the photo was a message quoting scripture and testifying of the alleged conversion of the snake into chocolate. He said, hashtag demonstration of God's power, Romans 14. He said hashtag? They don't have computers

so they literally have to just say it and that's how it goes viral. Hashtag! So he said, hashtag demonstration of God's power, Romans 14. Those with small faith eats only vegetables, but the ones with a great faith eats everything. During service, man of God commanded a snake to change into a chocolate and it obeyed. People ate it and enjoyed it. To God be the glory.

All right. Very cool. So he got arrested for animal cruelty as well. Yeah. Can you imagine if he was like a Willy Wonka type, but really it's just a snake bit? He's like, come to my chocolate factory. And everyone's like, these are snakes, bro. He's like, no, it's chocolate. Nguni was reportedly an understudy of another

controversial South African pastor, Lasego Daniel, who convinced his followers to eat grass and drink gas last year. I love it when like the bullshitters though have somebody come in and be like, no, you're animal cruelty. You're going to jail.

We're not even going to pretend like this is chocolate, like everybody else. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I mean, it's the cops that came in after he posted the Facebook page. They're like, no, no, no. I mean, a man ate a snake alive. But you know what? At the same time, he ate the snake.

I killed some fucking snakes. How many snakes did you kill, Greg? You just wake up. No. I killed some fucking snakes. How many snakes have you killed? You just wake up. How many snakes have you killed, Eddie? What do you think? At least four. At least four? Yeah. That's not bad. What kind of snakes were they? Gardeners, mostly.

These are humans. No. Come on. You know the difference, right? Gardeners. I killed a snake I thought was a water moccasin. At least I never checked it, though. Is it a shoe?

What did it turn out to be? What do you mean? It was a gardener or was a moccasin? It was a garden snake. I've killed a gardener snake for sure. Then I killed what I thought was a water moccasin? It was a garden snake. I've killed a gardener snake for sure. Then I killed what I thought was a water moccasin. Oh, very interesting. When you're a kid and you run into a snake, you kill it.

You don't take chances. I don't think so. Show the fuck out of it. You run away from it. As a Wisconsin boy, I'm not used to those reptiles. When my parents went into Fort Lauderdale, every lizard I see is terrifying. Yeah, I got reptiles fucking everywhere. When you see a snake and you in your kid, you run away.

And if you're an adult, you Instagram it. And then you run away. That's what I do. Yep, this guy, since the snake eating incident, the church has posted other photos showing Mguni riding a congregant's back like a horse and allegedly commanding snake spirits to enter some of them. Mguni. I mean, Mguni. Mguni. and allegedly commanding snake spirits to enter some of them. Goonie. I mean, Goonie. Goonie.

Goonie. Welcome to my church. My name is Goonie. My name is Pastor Goonie. Welcome to my congregation. We'll be pitching on you for the next hour in my church, and then you'll eat a snake made of chocolate. Goonie. Sounds like my kind of place.

That sounds like fantasy camp. Has anyone ever eaten snake? No. We talked about this last week. The alligator. I've eaten alligator as well. But not eaten snake monkey brains. I always just like to quote that from Indiana Jones.

Because I remember when they cut open the snake and saw the snake babies. That kept me from ever eating a snake. That is the most terrifying thing. What do they call it? Something surprised? Monkey brains. No, that was the monkey brains. I know, that was the monkey brains.

I don't know what happened before that. It's so funny. That's how they think those people eat. Yeah. They thought they were going to get good food and then they got bad food. Unless you loved it. Like the chicken clue.

Monkey brain soup, you remember? Mrs. Peacock couldn't get enough of the stuff. That's right. Yeah. That's right. She loved it. You remember lobsters used to be considered like poor person food. They were like the rodents of the sea.

You know, octopus was a similar way. I think snake would be very fun. Octopus is still pretty fucking... I don't like octopus. I like to eat every other animal on Earth. Octopus is so tough. I like it. I had it last Friday. It's like the toughest meat that is, you know, available so much.

Isn't it usually pig anus? Yeah, they did that... No, that's calamari. Calamari. Some shit. And I'm down with that, to be honest with you. You would have rather have pig butthole than octopus. Yes.

No, squid. I mean, you clean it, you know. Yeah, you clean it and you fucking cook it, man. Pop it in. No one's asking you if you'll eat just like a pig ate a cut out of a pig and hand it to you. Oh, I thought you had to bite it out yourself. No, but you suck it out. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Interesting. While it's moving. There's but wait, you suck it out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Interesting. While it's moving. There's a chef involved in the whole process. It's more like drinking it than eating it, really. You gotta get a wet dry pack. Yeah.

Hit it in there. Yeah. Turn that puppy on. But what I'm trying to say is that snakes, I think, at some point in human history, probably will be very edible. If you deep fry them,

cut them up and deep fry them, make them into little rings, Americans will eat anything. I like to wake and snake. You like to wake and snake? Wake up, eat a snake. Start your day. You gotta fill it with cream cheese first. That's how you really wake and snake. That's true. That's true. Cream cheese in an entire

cake. Mmm. Yeah. Oh, I found on WikiHow how to cook a snake. You get one snake obtained from a trusted source. Ah! So a priest or a mailman. So this is a recipe to wake a snake. You get one snake obtained from a trusted source. So a priest or a mailman. So this is a recipe to wake and bake a snake.

Actually, this is actually a very good point. Avoid the risk of eating a snake that has eaten a poisoned rat. Done. Let's assume I figured that part out. Yeah, real good pointer. Yeah.

And then, yeah, like Ben said, you get some cornbread mix A couple of egg whites, a splash of black pepper And you fry it Do you skin it? Refrigerate the carcass as soon as possible Yeah, you skin it, you cut off the head, strip the skin

And remove the guts Oh yeah, yeah, it's gotta have a stomach Do you get its powers? Oh, it's like Yeah, do you Do to have a stomach. Do you get its powers? Oh, it's like... Yeah, do you become a snake? But what about all the bones? Do you have to worry about the bones? Does your dick grow?

Does your dick get bigger? Does it say anything about cock size? No, that's the whole thing about snakes. There's no bones. They were just muscles. Yeah, snakes have bones. No, bone-free. Snakes have a shit ton of bones.

They're all muscle. I've eaten chicken from Applebee's and from Buffalo Wild Wings. Look, snakes have a shit ton of bones. They're all muscle. I've eaten chicken from apple bees and from buffalo wild wings. Look, they have more bones than anything. They're nothing but bones. But they're super tiny. No, no, no. Those are toothpicks. That's an eel you're looking at.

Those are snakes. Squealy little eel. Snake skeleton. Look. Snake skeleton. That's eel. Eeliton. Eels are snakes. Very interesting. I skeleton. Look. Snake skeleton. That's eel. Eeliton. Eels are snakes.

Very interesting. I don't think that's true. This is eel 101 every year. Sea snakes? Yeah, well, a manatee ain't a cow, but it sure is a sea cow. Boom. Lawyer. Damien, how'd you get so smart?

Genius. What special school you go to? Did you go to school in Neverville? Are you a so smart? Genius. What special school you go to? Did you go to school in Neverville? Are you a flaming writer? All right. Now it's time for a segment from Old McNail. What's the siren?

It's a block party. Stop being mean. Stop being racist. Alright, it's a blog party in New York. I will say Marcus just figured out how to do the air horn voice and he's been doing it non-stop. What is it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Pew, pew, pew. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bring your kids. Hot 97. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's playing on Hot 97. So it's playing out on Hot 97. We're going to have a round table of gentlemen block party. Okay. So block party, you can choose the block and everything.

Everything, man. Everything, dude. Just so long as it is a block party. Right, right. So we're going to go with, I'm going gonna throw one down let's go i'm gonna i'm probably the only person because i live up in astoria now we're going astoria right gonna be a bit of a street fair very eclectic in this story and you get all sorts of foods we're gonna serve snake there's gonna be some south african snake stands going on koreans and flushing you can

invite over well oh yeah definitely and a lot of too far a lot of greek seafood yeah and we're gonna we're gonna set up a stage and everybody's gonna be like what the fuck is that stage for i'm gonna get back to that in a second right a lot of sprinklers will open up all the fire hydrants big just everything's wet even the stands yeah everything's everybody's getting wet as shit and horny as a dog. Real sexy, right? All the girls, everyone takes their breasts out and their butts out. It's a cock party. Yeah, your dick's

out. It's naked, a naked party. We're eating snake. What about the children who live on the block? Oh, they are... They fucking too. We have a special area for them. They'll be cut off. They'll be behind the curtain.

Just get them out of there. We don't want to get away. I don't care what they're doing over there, but get them out of where I'm talking about. Mail them back home. Which is a wet, naked, snake-eating party. But that stage, everybody's like, what the fuck? There's all this shit. You got amps.

You got guitars. You got guitars. You got microphones. Yeah. Drum set got a big mean drum in it. Yeah. I mean, people are, I mean, there's a band. Everclear hits the stage at 9 p.m. Father of mine.

Yes. Father of mine. That's it. The first song's Father of mine. Everyone's here. The world disappears. No fucking shit. Flipping out, dude. They play for three hours the same five songs.

And the children you abandoned. And the wife I saw you be. Oh, I will never be a saint. They do one sublime cover. And I'm not going to say which song it is. You took this trip to Garden Grove. Baby, baby, baby. Big black boots and an old suitcase.

That's it. No funky, but good party. Can I co-produce yours? Because yours sounds fucking awesome. That's it right there. A wet naked snake party with Everclear playing. Doing sublime covers. Doing one sublime cover.

Oh my God. Everclear does sublime. Sounds pretty amazing. It sounds, that's the one, that's pretty good. That's one to beat. With my big butt. Well, that. But, okay, no, I was thinking I wanted my own Flushing because I want, what I want in a

black party is I want one of everybody. I wanted a little out of the just two Asian parts, as we all know, near the subway. But I want the equal amount of every race that Queens has. Okay. You know, getting together. So like the two of them. And what I hope for is the councilman in that district, he's dirty. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Oh, they're all dirty in Queens. So yeah, yeah. This guy's the dirtiest. And so all of the criminal element, he's brought out to help secure this party, you know. And also, everything's free. All types of food. Everything's free because this guy's been getting kickbacks for

so long. And then, because that's how it works. What's his name? That's how they get to stay in office, is because they give you free shit sometimes. His name's Nick Turner. No, I don't know who it is. This is my fucking fantasy. And yes, in my fantasy, it's me, baby! There he goes.

But I just think it's gonna have the best food, and it's gonna all be free, which is why everyone's fucking coming out for this shit And yeah, Everclear plays Boom Except Except They do one cover of Sublime And I'll tell you, it's Garden Grove

I was kind of hoping for Santeria Mine's date rape. Yeah. Yeah. It's a deep cut. I mean, that's just depressing. I want the hits. Okay.

Yeah. It's a blog party. You got to play the hits at the blog party. I think I still know all the words to every sublime song. Give us some. Give us some. Come on. Do the wrong way, Ed.

Do the wrong way. Oh, man. I need to get started off, and then I can probably do it. And he's 12 years old, and two more shows me a car. Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way. Happy, are you sad? Are you willing to kill your dad? Are you willing to do the wrong way?

She can do all that you have to give, but you still wouldn't make it hard to do. If it wasn't for day rape, I'd never get laid. I don't practice santeria. That's a weird part where you do a different song. That was the whitest

thing that's ever happened. No, us doing Death Road tracks. That's the whitest thing ever. I get rough and stuff with my Afro Puffs. Fuck on with your band sales. Very good. That's the whitest thing ever. Doing Lady, whatever.

Lady and Rage. Yeah, Lady and Rage. Lady and Rage. Different. Love it though, Nick. I'm going to just move on real quick here. Quickly here. Take it literally.

Block party. Everyone plays with Legos and has a good time. We move on. Oh, that was quick. Okay. Lyra, what is your block party? I'm sorry. Holden, you asked the question.

No, I had no question. I said okay. This is one of those things where it's like, I just want to take Holden's and then just add on. Okay, yeah. Two more Sublime songs. Because already there's no more bands left. Sublime comes out and does.

I don't disagree with that. Because all I'm thinking is like, I want to be someplace where there's, well, for Nick's, there's a million different people and there's a million different kinds of food. That's the most, that's like, I haven't been around the world that much, but the times I've been in other countries, the best part is going to a street fair.

Ooh, look at her. She's been to other countries. I have. Fancy welcome. You only put the cut in other countries. Hey. Good lord.

I don't know. All about it. I'll do it myself. Sounds like a seal having sex. Look, I'm just saying the best parts are the crazy weird food that you would never get anywhere else. So that would be part of it.

And then I guess I would just add Fleetwood Mac. I think I could actually get Everclear. Like literally could. Yeah, we'd have to work. They paid my girlfriend's office last week. Did they really? By plane he means cleaned. There's a moon bounce for adults

and Fleetwood Mac is there and they are acting out every single song. Locked eyes. They're punching each other. They're dancing. Fucking each other. Yes, they are ripping each other's clothes off They're punching each other. They're dancing. They're fucking each other. Yes, they're ripping each other's clothes off and then

pushing each other away. And it's a big gangbang. Well, Lyra, I'm wondering if your answer is the cutest. Alright, disgusting. The cutest is what? That they're all gangbanging Stevie Nicks on stage? Oh, she would love it. Fill all

of the Nicks holes. I heard one of whatever ears are closed. Hallie, you're out. I'm going to pick... That's a good block. It was just my block. And the reason I pick it is because I want... You hear that, creeps?

Oh, no. Your audience is like 90% creeps. I can think about that shit. 95. Please don't murder me. 95. 95. 95. Please don't murder me. 95. 95. Oh,

well. That's closer to 97. We did a poll. If you could just air out, horn out all the numbers I just said, that would be great.

I wanted to be one of those like church block parties where it's not real fun, but people like bring out their stuff that they actually want to sell

because I want to go through all my neighbors like what they think someone else might pay money for. And make fun of them. And it's just all People bring out their stuff that they actually want to sell. Because I want to go through all my neighbors. What they think someone else might pay money for. And make fun of them. And it's just all buttons and stuff. You're just like, oh yeah, I'll pay a dollar for this. And then, I don't know.

I want to say just like the original cast of Family Opera is playing. Just to like really just. They got them. I mean, I think they could get him for sure. Was that Michael? I'll move it along. The original cast is all dead. Yeah they'll just have like their. The zombie original fandom.

Awesome. I think that's great. You guys are reading my mind here. Thank you. Just line them up dead in a row and then play the soundtrack. That's good. And then they can also have like's good. They don't move. And then they can also have like a Dominican food. That'd be great. Oh, yeah.

I love that pig fat. Jackie, it's the middle of the summer. Hot July day. Hot as fuck. All right. Well, it doesn't have to be in July because mine's going to be a surprise block party. So what it's going to be is it's probably going to happen around the same time Holden's block party is happening.

And what it's going to be is that in the nice part of Bedford Avenue where people are paying all these crazy rents, what's going to be instilled in all of their contracts for when they rent out or buy their places is that there's going to be a surprise rape and pillage block party sometime in the year. It's going to be one night only. It's going to be kind of like the crazy no rules, but there's still a lot of rules. I mean, the rules are that what we're going to do is we're going to sand bag off McCarran. We're going to flood it out. We're going to

make it into a pool. We're going to make it a whole thing into a fun, crazy, rape, orgy pool. Only men can be raped. No, well, I mean, yeah. I don't think there's that many rules. The women can rape women. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. So you have to go in up through the ceilings. You go in, you can I mean, yeah. I don't think there's that many rules. The women can rape women. Yeah, yeah. You can do whatever you want. So you have to go in up through the ceilings. You go in.

You can steal whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. But they signed off on this. Right. So they could also go out. Like, once it starts happening, they're like, all right, man, it's time to go. We're going to go have some fun. But also, out of the river, GWAR is going to be performing, but they're going to have

those water jet packs that they're floating up in the air suspended by water the waters come and there's going to be a stereo system throughout Bedford playing really loud but it's only on Bedford only in the nice part of Bedford

is the lead singer still alive? no he's dead we're going to bring him back We're going to reanimate him So he's going to be kind of wigged out And it's sponsored by Arby's It's sponsored by Wendy's It's sponsored by Lone Star

So it's going to be free food for all You don't have to be raping a pillager the entire time You can stop and eat You can watch the show You can set off fireworks wherever you want. There's a bunch of free fireworks. So it's just going to be... You can do PG at the end.

Oh, and free fireworks. The fireworks. I mean, nothing really puts off the emotional distress of rape. Just kind of rape fireworks. You never know what's going to help you. It's kind of a mishmash. It's kind of a do what you will. Mishmash?

Yeah. But all the kids go into the safe rooms. All the kids go into safe rooms. Anyone under the age of 18 goes to the safe rooms. You described the beginning of Playmart. I'm taking the king's privilege. All right. Edward?

I'm going to go ahead. I'll take somewhere in the East Village. I like the East Village block party. Those are always fun. I'm going to call it Eddie Toons' Summertime Smash. Oh, exciting. At Yahoo.com. He's more like Ed Hotmail.

The smash part of it is we're gonna have a giant smash and pit so we're gonna go to the local thrift stores maybe get some furniture from the church I love this and uh

no we actually did that uh in college at uh Easter Bash every year we'd get a bunch of couches from thrift stores and just set them on fire yeah yeah

we're gonna yeah that's exactly how it goes you go first you smash you go out we're gonna put some sledgehammers,

a couple of axes, play some Metallica real loud on the speakers. I'm thinking a lot of shotgun and beers and stuff like that. Cool. And shotgun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah. But they won't be loaded, but they're good for smashing. If you use the other side. Oh, is that what you mean by shotgun and beers? No,

no, no, no, no. Yeah. That's normal shotgun. There's something out there. Whatever. Yeah, I'm into

it. McGallagher. What? McGallagher. You want me to hire a Gallagher? They play Metallica but they fucking smash watermelons. Ooh. That's weird that it's mostly Metallica but the name is almost exclusively Gallagher. What can

you do? McGallagher, I'm going to it every time. What about Metallica? Metallica is what it would have to be. I like McGallagher because I like comedy. What about Gallica? Oh, Gallica's fun. What about Gattaca?

Sounds like Gattaca. Yeah, exactly. I forget this whole podcast business. What about McGallica-caliter? Castle. See you later, McGallica-caliter. So my old Gallagher Metallica will be playing. They're smashing pumpkins.

We're smashing bullshit. And then when we're done smashing everything, of course, you know, you'll take out the cotton and stuff like that, you know. But it's going to be a lot of deaths, a couple cars. We're going to light that on fire in the middle of the block. A big old bonfire in the middle of a New York City block. When does the sex happen? Sex happens at home in the air conditioning.

Later on. Very nice. I choose Ed's. Sex home in the air conditioning is really all we want. What a perfect answer. I want so much air conditioning that as soon as you take your dick out, your genitals are just dry.

This is so much cold. My dream is so much air conditioning, you don't need a woman. I'm not sure what... So we're going to air condition the block. We're going to set a fire and we're going to smash some shit and get all Gallagher Metallica's going to play.

Great, McGallagher. Metallica. I'm a McGallagher guy. I'm a McGallagher with a G-R-R-R. We have people sitting in. Kim, oh my god, Linnaeus and Corey. Are you still here?

Fans of the show, let's finally decide. McGallagher or Metallica? What do you think? Metallica. Alright, let's finally decide. McGallagher or Metallagher? What do you think? Metallagher. All right, it's a consensus. Believe it or not, I've been proven correct, but with enemies. I'm also going to throw it out there.

Another idea is Crash Test Gallagher's. Ooh, that's also very good. They play mm-mm-mm-mm as they smash watermelons. Oh, man, and the end of the guitar is just a fucking sledgehammer piece, so asmm as they smash watermelons. Oh, man. And the end of the guitar is just a fucking sledgehammer piece. So as soon as they're done,

they just smash the watermelon with the guitar. That's fucking... And then it kicks back and smashes the guitar. Yeah, and then they get a flamethrower for the end to burn all the furniture. Like the man who killed the ducks, though, they're just killing food. And I think that man needs a year in prison.

Yeah. This is what it's all about. It's all about you losing food. Yes, Ed. I love food. I'm going to get 380 pounds again. I will be there. I'm going to throw it out there. Two people literally just wanted to jump

on mine. I know. Thank you. I'm just saying. literally just wanted to jump on mine yeah I know I know okay I know that oh no thank you no I'm just saying for who runs here oh shit man he got brought I also got brought at mine so snake and brought yeah and brought alone star quar I don't know I got old old school Mickey D Chicken Nuggets. After McGallagher, we're going to have an all fat Pearl Jam cover band called Pearl Ham. Pearl Ham.

I got that. What the hell are they doing? I don't know. Pearl Ham's pretty great. Okay, counter. Can you counter it? Yeah. It is called, it's a old school band where they use sprinklers.

Van Kingley's coming, holy shit. It's a fireman, it's a fireman Guns N' Roses band and it's called Guns N' Hoses. Oh my God, Guns N' Hoses. Okay, all right, Ed, what do you got? Kingsley's doing the whole party in character from Schindler's List. I think it's great. Okay, okay, that's pretty good. That's pretty good.

All right, hold on. What do you got? What do you got, man? Well, he does have Kingsley from the movie Selfless. That is true. I don't know if that's better. Also, we're going to go with a very tragic movie called In the Bedroom.

The cast of In the Bedroom is going to perform. Oh, Marissa Tomei. You got Rod Elgort. Tom Wilkinson. No, Tom Wilkinson. He's great. I got the cast of Goof Troop. Goof Troop is one of my favorites. Goof Troop is pretty good.

Oh, wait, wait. And Baloo from Tailspin. I just got him. Wow. Baloo just RSVP'd. The voice of Baloo from Tailspin. He's going to do autograph signings from 1 p.m. to 4 a.m. Can we get him? I want to be like you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know this is a different movie, but can we get him to do Bear Necessities with Pearl Ham? I mean, you play the orangutan? Yeah, you got to play the hits. Yeah, you got to play the hits. Okay, so we've got Baloo playing Bear Necessities with Pearl Ham. What do you got?

Tom and Gary with Gary Oldman. Chasing around a mouse and killing a mouse. Oh, I kind of love that. That wins, sorry. Holden wins! Yes! Oh, my God. That is something that I never thought

that I wanted to see so fucking bad in my life. But Gary Oldman chasing around a mouse. Yes. As the mouse. That's how good of an actor he is. He is. Who's the cat? Tommy Lee Jones.

Wow. All right. So that's... Tom Waits is going to sit in for a couple of the rounds. But mostly Tommy Lee Jones. That's the only one who's not doing sublime covers. Yeah, that's what he's not doing. Specifically, everyone's like, awesome, Tom Waits is here.

And he comes out and he does only sublime. Sublime covers. Everyone's so disappointed. Alright, well that's been this episode of another almost unlistenable round table of gentlemen.

Thank you so much Jackie Zebrowski. Find Jackie at Twitter at JackTheWorm. Find Eddie at underscore Eddie Tunes. Find Holden. Eddie Tunes underscore. Oh, you should put it in the front. It's too late now, baby. I'm sorry, buddy. Eddie Toons underscore Kellen.

You're doing very well with Murder Fist. Follow Murder Fist. I know. I have a fucking Twitter. Colonious Funk. Well, then plug it. Is it Funk? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you spell it? I have no idea. Then you don't have a Twitter, so don't follow Kellen. He doesn't even know he's on there. And of course, Nick Turner, you're at Nick's Turner. Eatmyfuck.com. Oh, man.

I can't believe you knew. I got it. I finally got it. It was hell of a bidding war. I've been competing for a while. Lyra and Harry, thank you so much. I'm Lyra Smith. Just eatmyfucks.com.

And I'm Hallie Kiefer. And I realize I'm saying my full name and also the block I lived on earlier. So please just bleep all of this out. And it's fine. Kiefer, writer of Friends of the People. Please watch it. Thank you for coming in. Thank you.

How's the show going? You guys happy? I'm really happy. I think it, I'm not saying the first season was terrible, but I think this season's a lot better. Well, I want to say thank you for giving us all 2015 TV credits. Anytime, gentlemen and ladies. Anytime. Very nice.

Check out Friends of the People on TruTV. Of course, follow Marcus at Marcus Parks on Twitter. I'm at Ben Kissel, and I believe that's pretty much it. We have a Too Fat coming up. Too Fat on Thursday, August 6th. Right. At the Grand. At the Grand.

In Williamsburg. Thank you, Turner. And I've got Batman on PS4s. Not a plug. If anyone wants to talk to me about that, you can hit me up about that. And by the way, eatmyfuck.com it can be yours for

$2,395. Worth it! I can't believe that posting's still up. I bought it! You can start a payment plan payments as low as $200 a month $2,395 for eatmyfuck.com I think it's actually

relatively cheap how about eatmysuck eatmy what was that twitter random twitter guy's name I bet it's been run over by a lawnmower. Some bullshit. No one has eatmysuck.com.

You can do that right now, Eddie. Oh, man. I'm not going to do it. Listen to Eddie on Brighter Side. Oh, yeah. Listen to Brighter Side. That'd be nice. And leave us a comment on iTunes if you guys got extra time.

Very nice, Eddie. Listen to me on the telephone if you want to call me. I'm lonely. Again, he's playing Batman. Arkham Knight. He'll be playing Batman just waiting for your call. All right, we'll talk to you soon.

Let's wrap it up. Call him at Hallie's phone number. What was it again, Hallie? Oh, no. Wait a minute. I'm going to get murdered. 6-6-6-6-6-6-6-6-6-6-6. That's it.

For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.