The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Most Delicious Girl

Episode Date: July 21, 2015

Today on Round Table: a small town in Russia holds it's annual Mosquito Festival, a pig enthusiast gets drunk and naked with his favorite animals, and a high school refuses to change it's questionable mascot. Joining us today: Josh Krebs and Natalie Jean!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You should have never come here today. I should never have come. gentlemen. Always civility. I should have never come here today. I should never have come.

Never should have come here. Marcus, you are praying. Are we going? Are we on? Yeah, we're live streaming. I thought Ed was. No, Eddie prayed last week. It's you, yeah. Oh, he just got foo, foo, foo, foo. Uh-oh. Yeah, I'm going to censor myself. Oh, he just got... Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Is yours the one that's dying now? Uh-oh. Ow. Yes, hello. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to the show. I pray to the gods of microphones to bring me six new ones. Amen. Is there a god of microphones? There's a god of... Run DMC.

Yeah. Yeah. I pray to the god of headphones to make them louder. That's great. That's Dr. Dre. Perfect. Run DMC and Dr. Dre are going to show up any time and change all of our equipment over. That'll be perfect.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Let's just go around the names. Everyone knows who we are, but that's fine. Jackie Zabrowski, isn't Run DMC dead? No. No, one of them. Oh, yeah, but they're all dead. No, no, two of them

are killing it. One of them's got a bowling show or something. You go fuck. No. I guess I'm going to bash their fucking heads open with this next comment.

No. Holdenators, ho! Screaming and scrambling, rippling and rambling. How's everybody doing out there? I'll take calls today If anybody wants to call in The hotline is 1-800-NUGGETS

Ring, ring, ring, ring You're a fucking dickhead I think that actually works I think that's seven letters Is it? Yeah Okay, perfect Nailed it.

Wow, that worked out perfectly then. All right. We should buy nuggets, man. 1-800-NUGGETS? Yeah, yeah. And do a weed selling service. Don't even, we just talk about it when they call us. I just realized how perfect it is that weed's legal in Colorado and they're the Denver Nuggets.

Oh, yeah. No, it's perfect for them. That's amazing. Yeah. We should change the logo. Big for them. That's amazing. Yeah. They should change the logo. Big mascot with a big weed nug. Yeah, that'd be amazing. And at halftime, he jumps into a big bowl

and you set him on fire. The first commercial for weed aired this week in Colorado. What? Weed, weed, weed. A television commercial for weed. That's amazing. It's over here, man. Yeah, got it.

I got it. Come on down. It's over here, man. Yeah, got it. I got it. Come on down to Big Jimmy's Weed House. We'll get you fucking super high. Well, that is a good point, though, because the nugget is after the gold rush that happened in Colorado, but now the new gold rush is weed. It's the green rush. It's the weed nugget. It's the green rush.

That's exciting for them. Indeed. I'm wearing a Colorado weed store shirt right now. Native Roots. If you're in Colorado, go check out Native Roots. They treated me well. Gave me a bunch of cool stuff. Gave me this shirt for free.

I love that shirt. Also, if you're in Colorado mid-August, I will be visiting my brother, and let's have a hangout. Let's have a Holdenator ho-out. Oh, man. Go to Herbs, man. Yeah? Herbs in Denver. Funky music.

Young women. All right, so check out Holden, Herbs, and Native Roots if you're in Denver. And go check out the Denver Nuggets play, too. Why not? That's a joke. While you're at it. They need some practice. Kevin Barnett can't be with us right now.

He's enjoying the beautiful sun in Los Angeles. But we've got a fellow named Josh Krebs sitting in for him. Thanks for being here, Josh. All right. Yeah, it's Krebs, but that's okay. Oh, Krebs. I left the S off. Yeah, you left the S off.

There's more than one of you. Oh, God, there's too many of us. Oh, my God. Got a case of the Krebs. How many times do you hear that? All the fucking time. It's kind of funny. You're very close.

Yeah, close to a venereal disease. Yeah, that's all I got in junior high school and high school. But that would be kind of nice because then you're all up in that bush. Yeah, well, that's actually true. And then after I break up with a girl, it would just be really funny because they'd be like, oh, did you get crabs? And I was like, oh, yeah, she kind of did. Yeah.

So it kind of all worked out. I remember the crabs. I was excited about this show today, man. I fully jerked off before I came here. Awesome. You can't leave it half. No. It calmed me down. I just could barely walk outside the door.

I couldn't spare a minute today. Staring into a sunset. Yeah, the quarter jerk off. That's just when you're hard and you cry. After you left my apartment, I made love. Did you? Yes, she made love to me. You see the energy I bring?

It was brutal. It was mostly clothed. Oh, man. I love that. Well, I think she was just like, well, holding you better than Ed, so let's have sex. Let's do it, yeah. Something like that. Comparison, she's like, thank God, thank God that you're not Ed, was what she kept screaming. Back on the show

once again, stunt woman, stunt person, and overall horror star, Natalie Jean. Thanks for being here, Natalie. You're welcome. I arrived pre-drunk today. Hey, all right! It's 4.30 in the afternoon. I like when people plan for the show.

Pulling a real Jackie. I learned a lot from the first time, and I practiced, and I'm better this time. I came prepared. Come drunk. Fully loaded. Except for Jackie. Jackie's not allowed to come drunk.

Oh, you no longer come drunk? Yeah, because I bite now. That's my new thing. I've started biting. It's those jizzies. Yeah, man. What do you mean you bite? When you're drunk.

Leave him alone, Jackie. I'm not drunk, So I won't show you But a little later on Give me a few more jizzies man I'm gonna fucking Jizz everybody here Oh man Jizz Lizzy

That's your new name I don't like this one That's not my name Jizz Lizzy She loves to get dizzy I don't like this Yeah I veto that

I veto that too What's wrong with you I love it I like getting jizzy busy though I'm down it. I like getting jizzy busy, though. I'm down with that. Load you up, make you dizzy. Yeah. It definitely sounds like a gal who's done some questionable things in a bathroom in high school.

Absolutely. Jizz Lizzy. Jizz Lizzy. Yikes. She's not quite good enough to have a famous rock band sing a song about her, but all the garage bands know her. Now that part I could get into. Yeah, all around. Yo man, you been fucking Lizzy too?

We got the same song. I don't fuck her, I just cum on her. Okay, cool dude. That's fine. That's not cheating. I am Ben Kissel, and with us as always Marcus Parks. Marcus, you got some news? Police have charged a man with trespassing, public drunkenness, and indecent exposure after he was caught on a neighbor's Pennsylvania farm in the nude drinking beer among the pigs.

Hold on, you get arrested for that? Yeah, I mean, honestly, I'm like... 64-year-old Larry Henry told police when they arrested him, quote, I just like pigs. It just sounds like me at a murder press meeting. Yeah, exactly. It just looks like a typical hog sleeping in the hog pit again. He was caught four years ago at the same bar. Why aren't they just renting out some time at the pig pen for this guy then?

You know, charge him $25 an hour if he wants to hang out with the pigs and get drunk. What's he doing wrong? Was he slapping them or something? You can slap a pig, Eddie! You can slap a pig. Don't slap anything in the face. No, it's disrespectful. The fact that this guy got arrested, though, what is he being charged with? Because

if he sees a second of jail time, I'm against it. Trespassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure because he was naked. To a pig! You can't jail time, I'm against it. Trespassing, public drunkenness, and indecent exposure because he was naked. To a pig! You can't... Okay, I'm sorry. You can't flash your dick at a pig.

I mean, someone found him among the pigs. It's not his barn. Right, right. So it's not his barn. Trespassing, I understand. Yeah, right. But you can't be naked

around animals. You can. Do you have an erection? That's a good question. I mean, it doesn't say it in the police report. I mean, his doesn't say it in the police report. I mean, his dick was not inside of the pig. He was not fucking the pig.

You have fecality. That's a different crime. Totally different crime. Yeah, you heard what he... Someone's in my house. Someone breaks into my house. I'm mad. I want you to arrest for trespassing.

If they're also naked, arrest them twice. Sure. Yes. Yeah, right. I concur with that. But you're not a pig. Well, never mind. I wish I was a pig, honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have some better friends. Yeah, well. I concur with that. But you're not a pig. Well, never mind. I wish I was a pig, honestly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have some better friends. Yeah, well, pigs have great friends. Always seeing each other go for the final walk. Sad. They bond over that. Here's a picture of the guy. So he looks shocked that he was arrested.

He's like, what are you talking about? You're arresting me for what? Okay, Marcus, you left out one of the largest jokes in the story. I just saw it on the headline. He was drinking a ham's beer. Well, I was waiting on it.

Oh, you were waiting on it. Yeah. God damn it, erase it then. Erase what I said. Marcus, is there anything else funny about the story? No. You're the worst.

I'm sorry. I blew it. I thought he forgot about it. I thought you were going to talk about the fact that it said that it was just said it was 99 degrees outside. No, it's 95 in Oklahoma City. It is brutal out there today. It's 91 degrees here. My word. It just jumped to 90.

It keeps changing over there. That's because it's 95 in Norman, Oklahoma. Thank God. And it's 95 in Yukon, Oklahoma. And that's been the roundtable weather report. Random. All Oklahoma, all the time. Wow.

All Oklahoma, all the time. We do 95 degrees in Weatherford. 99 degrees in Woodward. Don't want to go there. 95 in the capital. Oklahoma City. Oklahoma City? We need to do a City of the Week,

and I want to know what that temperature is. Oh, that's awesome. What's that Oklahoma song that we used to sing in that sketch? Donkey fucks a fucker, piss on his brother. And he gets your gun, Oklahoma. You didn't make up that song. Yeah. It's a famous song

from a Broadway musical, Ed. It's two different songs. I don't think that's the song. That's not the song. Annie Get Your Gun, Oklahoma. That's the song we made up. We all used to sing Canoes! And then little laser

noises. Mangy Dog is a man. Stop being a music. Can you change the theme song of Roundtable? To that? Do you want any music underneath it? With lasers. If radio is...

No, you've already done enough lasers. I don't even need to put new ones in. You did such a good job, Ed. If radio is the theater of the mind, this theater is exactly like the one that Hitler got burned alive in and he was a bastard to the fucking end. Everyone's screaming and miserable inside of their fucking brains right now because of what you've done to them.

Mangido. He's a man's best friend. That could be true, though. Eliminate. It's not even a laser. It's like a chunky turkey, if anything. It's a fucking space opera. And if you just give it a moment,

you let the story fucking develop. Lasers imply you can go through a wall without even being seen. That that was just like that was a fucking Get the eyes Sarah. 94%.

It's 95 degrees in Oklahoma City. Oh my god. I'm amazed how much the temperature is going up in here from you guys yelling at each other.

Yeah. Yeah. It goes up and up and up. Oklahoma City is the fucking laziest name for a capital city. Oh, what is it?

Nevada City? Is it fucking North Carolina City? It's Oklahoma City. There was a massive tragedy that happened there. Oh, it was a long time ago. Get over it. Oh, the bombing of the building.

Yeah. Yeah, so the bombing of the building. What do you know about the Oklahoma City bombing? What happened? That was the last conversation I ever had with my grandmother. She was in the building, huh?

No, no, no. I wish you would die in the building. Well, halfway through the conversation, she didn't know I was me. Oh, I see. Okay, what do you know about Oklahoma City, Holden? It was astounding. It was astounding. Firemen were there, and the whole building went down in shambles.

It was travesty. Actually, I don't even have a fucking funny fun about it. Sad times, Marcus. A lot of children died. Many children. Was there an orphanage in there? Yes. No, there wasn't.

A daycare. Oh, okay. Yeah, they kill you. A bunch of kids. They should have gotten the orphanage. At least nobody would have any connection to the fucking kids. No emotional connection. Yeah, exactly.

You'd be like, oh, little Jerry died. Who's little Jerry? I don't know. He didn't have any parents. Nobody knows him. I don't know. I actually think it might have been an orphanage. Every government building has a little orphanage.

It's a daycare center. Yeah, well, it's a daycare center. How come DMV never gets blown up? Those places are miserable. Holden, you're putting ideas in people's heads. That's not right. All right, so this guy got arrested. He was in a pig pen naked getting drunk

off a ham. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to do your hams joke? I was just going to read it and let you guys do the, like always, where I just say it. It's a normal beer with all the little chunks from the Sizzler bar in it. Let's move on. That sounds so good.

Alright, next story. A woman was arrested Sunday night after refusing to pay her dinner tab at a Myrtle Beach seafood restaurant because, as she explained to police, Jesus was going to cover the cost of her meal. I love that. It's about time. He's a good guy.

No, he's not. Not anymore. Myrtle Beach were called to Bennett's Calabash just after 9 p.m. Sunday night when, according to the incident report, 51-year-old April Lee Yates was asked to leave by management but refused to do so. The report states that Yates was in the restaurant for nearly four hours before she started to cause a disturbance with other patrons. Management asked Yates to pay her dinner tab and leave, but she refused to pay the $26 bill. When the police asked Yates if she had money to pay, Yates said she did not. The officer then asked Yates what she planned to do with the bill. When it came, Yates explained that Jesus was going to pay her tab.

So for four hours, she only spent $26. At a seafood restaurant. Yeah, and also, Jesus was Jewish. I don't think he'd eat shellfish. No, he would not be caught dead in a seafood restaurant. No, he would never go to a seafood restaurant whatsoever. But I say, if Jesus is taking you out, splurge a little bit, lady. She was actually kind of polite to Jesus.

You said Calabash? Calabash. It's in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yes, sir. Calabash. We went there, dude. Is this the place we went to? It was the town we went to

that was filled with fucking seafood restaurants. Dude, it was like all you can eat. Seafood buffet. Bennett's Calabash Seafood Buffet. There were multiple restaurants in this town. It's a tiny town. I feel like we went there. There's one you could smoke in.

Yeah, they're all all-you-can-eat fried seafood. It was the most amazing. A seafood buffet full of people chain smoking. No one was smoking except for all of Murderfest. It was really bothering me but I found it too hilarious to stop.

The motto of Bennett's Calabash is don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired. Seriously though, come on out to Calabash. It will blow your fucking mind. Every restaurant is like outrageous. Just all you can eat

hush puppies and fried shrimp and fried everything. God damn. Fried everything, dude. This place is great. Sounds super fun. I love a good buffet. All you can eat crab legs.

Jesus. But how many can you eat? As many as you can. So many, because it's all popcorn and bite-sized stuff. I mean, if you eat the whole thing, you don't bother shelling legs. Jesus. But how many can you eat? As many as you can. Because it's all popcorn bite-sized stuff. I mean, if you eat the whole thing,

you don't bother shelling it. Yeah. Just go for it. Yeah. I love them. So this chick was at a buffet for four hours and she got kicked out.

Yeah, for four hours. Well, because she started bothering the other patrons. You got to leave everybody else alone. You got to leave everybody alone. You can't be fun. What was she doing?

Yeah, what was she doing? It doesn't say exactly. Let me look. Maybe I can find more information on this one. I mean, I would assume going up to them and grabbing things off their plate, things like that. Maybe getting upset. Maybe holding the crab legs as if they were her own legs and walking through the restaurant.

Oh my god. That pissed me off. That would piss me off. Buffets are hostile territory. The Gaza Strip of restaurants. Because you're in a buffet, and there's two slices of pizza left, or whatever. They bring out more. I know they bring out more, but you're in line now. No, but I wait until the next plate comes out so you get the hot, fresh pizza.

But you know, when there's a person, three people in front of you, and you're like, they're going to take the hush puppy. He knows I want the fucking hush puppy, and that fat piece of shit who already had three hush puppies that I saw him eat, he's going to take the slug. They're going to take the hush puppy. He knows I want the fucking hush puppy and that fat piece of shit who already had three hush puppies that I saw him eat, he's going to take the last one. This is how fights happen. Yeah, look at this woman.

This is definitely the type of woman he starts fights and buffets. Oh my God, is that me in Calabash? Oh my God, Jackie, how was it? She kind of looks like a bulldog. She's a witchy woman. Wow. Yeah, she's got those large ears.

She's like Jowl. It's not Jowls, right? Yeah, she's got those large ears. It's not jowls, right? Yeah, that's jowls. Okay, so I'm not looking at that weird. Give her what she wants. A woman named April. I just love that she thought that Jesus was going to take her out on a date to a buffet. I mean, he's Jesus.

He can make anything a buffet whenever he wants to. He can take her out to a sizzler. It just needs one plate. The whole thing can become a buffet. He's spending 23 bucks on you. You know what I mean? He loves you if he does that. That is true.

23 bucks. Did she get arrested or did she just get kicked out? You got to arrest her. She got arrested for defrauding a restaurant. Defrauding. Defrauding a restaurant. Defrauding a restaurant. Yeah, that was her mug shot that I showed.

And for exposing herself to a turtle. Same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got naked in front of animals. I heard that. I love this woman, though. You go to a buffet. You thing. Got naked in front of animals. I heard that. I love this woman, though. You go to a buffet, you spend four hours, I feel like, you know what, I give her time served. She can just

walk out for free. She probably should not be walking the streets freely. I imagine she should be in a hospital somewhere. What is it with buffet food, Eddie? What's your thoughts on that? What buffet food wouldn't she eat? Never sushi at a buffet. I mean, it depends on the buffet. I remember one time I made a horrible mistake

with Henry. I was in LA. I went to go visit him and we were sitting there and we were like, alright, let's go out somewhere to eat. And the place he wanted to go to was closed. And we were like, oh shit, look. Vegas seafood buffet. It was like $20 each. $20 seafood.

All you can eat. But there's no but there's no ocean near Vegas no it's a desert yeah you want to have like an iguana buffet

that's great we both shit we would like literally sit there prance outside the door while the other one was shitting

and then he'd leave like the other one I'd go shit and then like he'd like wait for me to finish so he can get back in. Let me ask you, was there a market difference between the smells

between the two of you? I mean, I'm way more lethal than anyone else. But Henry's very consistent. Henry, so anytime you go somewhere or you invite Henry over, the first thing he does is go shit in your bathroom. Yeah, he's like a dog marking territory. He's got a high-flax diet.

Everything's going right through, feeling healthy. Yeah, see, he's eating healthier. I'm still eating fucking dog food. Yeah. Right, right, right, right, right. And he literally eats dog food.

It's cheap! I love eating out of bags. At least they got him to switch to wet food, which is good. Oh, I'd rather the dry food. Yeah. If you come to visit New York, we've plugged a lot of restaurants and things like that,

but we will not be plugging any deli buffets. There was a fella three years ago here in New York City. He was a homeless man, and he got arrested for spraying. He had a spray bottle everywhere he went. Was he washing windows? Did he work at World Trade Center 1? Absolutely not. It was full of human dookie and urine. A lot like Damon Wayne's character

from In Living Color where he just had the poo-poo pickle. Yeah, the pee-pee pickle. Yeah, the poop and the pee-pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Henry's poo-poo pickle. Exactly. And he would just go to all these buffets and spray his human feces and his shit all over them. Everyone was getting food poisoning

and a bunch of places got closed down. So don't go to a buffet deli in New York City that are full of homeless fecal matter. Wow. How long ago was this? This was about three or four years ago. I mean, they're just bad anyway. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They're awful.

This is like $12 for weird fish. Oh, yeah. That's all it is. I was walking by a strip joint the other day. It was VIPs, but I'm not one of those, so I wasn't able to go in. Sushi on the body. Really? Yeah.

A strip for sushi? It's the whole thing, yeah. This is disgusting, right? Were they Japanese? I mean, if they're Japanese, it's fine. The girl being covered in sushi wasn't Japanese. If they're a fish woman. Yeah.

This is going to sound like a really stupid question, but can you order a woman to come to your house and eat sushi off of her if one of those places doesn't? You can order anyone to do anything somewhere online. Yeah, you're exactly right. Just put it into Google. You'll find it. Natalie, you're a hot gal. Has anybody ever contacted you to come over to their house and do something really bizarre? Well,

in my Model Mayhem days, I definitely got requests for a lot of feet-ish things. Oh, yeah? Just random feet stuff. You ever sell socks? We talked about this last time you were on the show. No, I haven't, but my friend, after we did that show, just by chance texted me that she had just started doing that.

But not only, she's on a site where- Selling socks that you previously wore. Yeah. I get it. Socks and underwear, but there's all kinds of different markets on the website she's using. There's all different things you can start yourself and send. Yeah, she has to pay for her pet surgery, all kinds of different markets on the website she's using. There's all different things. She's doing good money? Yeah.

She has to pay for her pet surgery, so she's just going for it. She's doing it because her, was it a cat? Her cat and her dog are sick, actually. So she's selling her socks because her cat and dog are sick. That's great. That's a good reason. Better than selling your ass.

She changed the cat's name to Socks. Oh, yeah. So that she'll always remember what she made her owner do. I think that was W's cat, wasn't it? Or was it Clinton's cat? That was Clinton's cat. Yeah, Socks, yeah. No, the Bushes had Barney the dog.

Yeah, dumb Barney the dog. What's Obama's dog's name? Bo. Bo, yeah. I don't know why I know all the names of Obama. Barack Obama. Damn. That's why.

Yeah, why? You really just rattled those off so fast. Can't remember the name of Linda B. Johnson's basset hound, though. And then Nixon had a bizarre little eel that he kept in the White House. Yeah, Nixon had checkers. Holden, what was the name of your parents' dog that they loved more than you? Ariel. And they go, Holden, come down.

It was very upsetting. It's very upsetting. It's very upsetting every time they did it. And I got very mad with them. And I was like, I can't wait to get out of this fucking house. And then three years later, we're like, can I come back in? Can I please get back in there? I'll sleep in the back room behind the garage. Alexander Hamilton's

dog was named, Buzzy Bitch. That's a fat, residential dog. How's your fat dog, Jackie? I think barely holding on there, man. She is barely holding on. It's kind of funny, though. I found out, actually, just about an hour ago, my mom was like,

I started feeding Gracie, I've been putting grapes in the freezer. I've been giving frozen grapes to Gracie so that she loses weight. So we stopped trying to give her the pieces of bacon, and we're giving her the grapes. And then I just found out that grapes are insanely lethal to dogs. Did you tell her? I texted her. I was like, immediately.

I was just like, you can't. Stop feeding the dog grapes. But also, maybe the dog should die from grapes. Maybe the dog should die. All the things she's going to fucking die from. I've seen a picture of this dog. This dog is suffering every day. It's going to be chortled to death by some gizmo. I don't know.

If the dog just sits there and eats, it's got to be kind of happy. Jesus, it causes renal failure. What's a renal? That's kidneys. Oh, I thought, yeah, okay. That's actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. What do you think a renal is? That's rectal failure. What's a renal? Kidneys. Oh, I thought, yeah, okay. That's actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. What do you think a renal is? Rectal failure.

Oh, okay. I was thinking something with the O-ring. Anus. Yeah, something with that there. It's like rectal plus anal is renal. Oh, my God. But I do love your mother's strategy of the frozen grapes. Yeah, but now I kind of want to just start eating frozen grapes.

Yeah, they're so good. They hurt my teeth. Yeah, I feel like that would hurt. What, you suck on them like a popsicle? Yeah, but now I kind of want to just start eating frozen grapes. Yeah, they're so good. They hurt my teeth. Yeah, that would I feel like that would hurt. Wait, you suck on them like a popsicle? Yeah, you suck on them. Yeah, they're great. Oh, you're not supposed to give dogs onions either. What? Onions and grapes are the two most lethal things. And macadamia

nuts. And chocolates also. Chocolate will make them really sick, but it won't kill them. Dogs just seem like a really aggravating hipster date. What can they eat? What can a dog eat? This seems like a good question. What can a dog eat?

It can't eat grapes. It can't eat onions. Where am I taking it? It can't eat cooked bones, but it can eat uncooked bones. I'll tell you what. It eats whatever's on the bottom of your fucking feet, man. That's a fish. What happens if they eat cooked bones?

They splinter off and it gets in their ass. Yeah. The creek cat almost died this week because it ate a lily, but it's going to live. What cat? One of the Bamford. Oh, the creek in the cave. Yeah, the creek in the cave. Yeah, the furry one.

The best cats on the face of the planet right here at the creek in the cave. I do love them. That's just Miles Davis' ghost. Yeah. Yeah, the furry one. The best cats on the face of the planet right here at the Creek in the Cave. I do love them. That's just Miles Davis' ghost. Yeah. All right, so this chick got arrested for stealing $26 worth of buffet food, but I guess she's fine. Yeah, let's go to Russia for our next story. We haven't gone to Russia for a while. Yeah, I'm ready to be horny.

Good reason. Let's do this. Yeah. Organizers of a Russian town's annual mosquito festival said this year's Only in Russia. Said this year's event will include a most delicious girl contest

What? For women who don't mind bug bites. Oh, God. I would win that contest. Right. So this also means that like Russian dudes are just like at the same level of a mosquito when it comes to judging who they think is attractive. Like that

fucking 500 mosquitoes bit that chick. She is hot as shit. If the mosquitoes like her, then I love her. Well, Natalia Paramanova, an organizer of the three day event starting actually, it's going on right now.

As we speak? So what, do they just leave puddles everywhere and, like, hope mosquitoes? It's like war torture. Yeah. They're having it in Bereznicki. She said the festival. Why we lost Nam. Don't bring up Nam.

Let's have a moment. Man, talk about the mosquitoes and Nam, though. Yikes. She said the festival will feature a most delicious girl contest with women in shorts and vests who stand still for 20 minutes to allow the blood-sucking insects to feast. Oh, my God. Do they win anything?

Yeah, exactly. Do they get, like, a cash prize or something? An expert panel of judges, including a doctor, will examine their bodies, and the winner will be the one with the most bites. It does not say that there is a prize. The winner is the prize in communist Russia. There is no prize.

One bite. Two bites. Three bites. Four bites. Five bites. The 2013 Most Delicious Girl contest, she, the winner, got over 100 bites. I'm going to say this. A lot of people

demonize the United States. On July 4th, when we do our hot dog eating competition, at least we're eating the dog. At least we're the ones consuming the food. In Russia, they have the other person become eaten by a random bug. There's a picture of a guy wearing a homemade

mosquito costume. Who the fuck's going to of a guy wearing a homemade mosquito costume. Who the fuck's gonna worship a mosquito? The Russians! They're Russian! I mean, they're insane! You slime! Are you following that for the girls? You just want to kill yourself.

Of course! It's awful. I mean, it's Russia, so I would assume it's just pretty much for the girls. But when you think about it, that's like. I mean, it's Russia, so I would assume it's just pretty much... They're just trying for the course. When you think about it, that's what they... That's like they all agreed that that's what they want to do. Right. They were just like, we have to hold a festival for this. Yeah.

Which is just like... That's the only thing they have. Yeah, that is it. You know a lot of mosquitoes? Yeah, that's how they bring tourists in. Jesus. Right, right, right. I would never, out of all the festivals, I would never go to a mosquito...

It's the worst festival I've ever heard of. Right, right, right. I would never, out of all the festivals, I would never go to a mosquito. It's the worst festival I've ever heard of. Right? Bar none. It is by far, if there was like a child molestation festival, you know, at least like there's a reason to go because you're going to stop it. You know, like... What can you do at this festival?

Absolutely nothing. Oh, yeah. There's also, there's other competitions. There's a mosquito capturing competition to see who can catch the most live mosquitoes oh okay can't catch them dead

don't want to kill them huh there's also a odd festivals are abound in the Berezniki region there's also a annual

jolly cow herder fair which is just people throwing cow shit as far as they can. Let me find out more. We're all in agreement.

That's fine. That's totally alright. Well, that's just how they make their highway system. That's like whatever those people who soap the highways. You know, the mosquito has no purpose. It's not really food for a lot of animals because nobody likes it, but they do say in defense of the mosquito they say it is the defender of the rainforest because that's why the rainforests were not populated because mosquitoes would come and destroy all creatures that rolled into them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why humans can't really get through it. It's because of the mosquitoes. Right. So mosquitoes are heroes of the rainforest, but they're demonic creatures. Because we're the fucking devils. I guess so. I hate mosquitoes.

I do, man. I would wipe them off. If I could pick an animal to wipe off the planet. They're literally not needed. We don't need them. I've got a... This is actually the original story. Interfax is the Russian site.

So this is the Russian to English translation, according to Google. Residents of Berezniki will meet July 17th through 19th near City Pond To celebrate the festival of Russian Mosquito Can you sound more miserable while you say this? In the program of the festival songs about insects Fashion competition as well as sporting events

According to the agency Interfax One of the organizers most delicious girl, blah, blah, blah. We have to kill this DJ for being too energetic. He's being anti-Russian. The competition is intended for those women and girls who say they are very fond of biting insects. Of wishing contenders will be selected. I get rid of cockroaches. If I had to wipe out one, because I'm more disgusted by them.

I hate them so much. Yeah? I hate them. But they don't really bite you. They just kind of do their own thing. Yeah, but I'm going to tell you something. Have you ever opened a box of cereal, poured a bowl of cereal, and just had a cockroach come out? Yeah, I've had that happen.

I have had that happen, and it's disgusting. Yeah, let's get rid of them. I mean, how does the cockroach feel? He's in there, and he's just like, what are you doing? He just keeps fucking... Why are you fucking enjoying my bad thing? I think about the cockroach. Yeah, the cockroach is just trying to enjoy the same...

You guys have something in common. I think he speaks with a British accent. Hey, what are you fucking doing? It's fucking cockney. I killed a cockroach last week. It was fucking black. just sprayed across the room. It was fucking disgusting. Lupe looked at me.

He's like, yeah. Lupe Rodriguez. Oh, Lupe. I've never seen you in person before. Batting 700. Yeah, it's not just a weird Satanist hanging out on our couch. It's Lupe.

He has a purpose. I don't ever question whether you're a Satanist. We all can see him. There's always people hovering around you that are Satanists. Just in the shadows. True, true.

I have a question. If you had to spend a day laying in a coffin with wall-to-wall mosquitoes or wall-to-wall cockroaches, what are we choosing? I would take cockroaches. I really would. Mosquitoes attack.

Cockroaches are going to live on you. They'll eat you. They'll nibble on you. They'll burrow into you. They'll lay their eggs in your mosquitoes. I remember specifically seeing Creepshow in that movie. That's what freaked me out the most. That's so disgusting.

How about Joe's apartment? Joe's apartment. Awful. That is a myth. Cockroaches do not lay eggs in your skin. Oh, okay. Well, thank God. Yeah, but they can go into all of your holes.

And live inside of your holes. Mosquitoes can go inside of your nostrils, inside of your ears, inside of your eyes. They're easier to kill, though, if you're in a coffin with them. Not if it's inside of your ears, inside of your eyes, your mouth. They're easier to kill, though, if you're in a coffin with them. Not if it's inside of your brain. I bet I could kill a coffin full of mosquitoes faster than I could kill a coffin full of cockroaches.

Yeah, me too. You'd love to kill the things that are in there. Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, what else are you going to do? Eventually, when we dig up the body, yeah, we're going to have to deal with them. Yeah, that's true.

Okay, giant cockroach or giant mosquito. Giant mosquito. No way. A giant mosquito would just impale you. Yeah, they have little swords on them. Yeah, but they're kind of slow. I feel like you can kill it.

Cockroach is fast. Yeah, I feel like you could kill a giant mosquito with a baseball bat. A mosquito can fly. A cockroach can... I think I could hide from a giant mosquito a lot easier. It can fly. Yeah, I can hide from it. You're talking about the difference between a drone and an old World War II German tank

that can't even get over water. Yeah, don't hide from it. You're talking about the difference between a drone and an old World War II German tank that can't even get over water. Yeah, don't they have exoskeletons, cockroaches? Yeah, the cockroach is going to be real fucking hard to kill. But it's not going to come up from above. Get some higher ground than a cockroach. It depends on the weapon. It's going to crawl. It can crawl on anything.

If you have a flamethrower, you could just kill it. Well, you can do it. It depends on the weapon you have. All right, go on a date with a mosquito or get hit in the face with a cock and balls for an hour. Well, I'm going to go on a date with a mosquito. Yeah, I guess. Go on a date with a mosquito. I'm with a cock and balls.

It's like my Sunday. Yeah. I mean. One last little bit about the mosquito festival. Oh, Josh didn't answer. Oh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What are we doing here?

What do you want? Do we get breaks during the hour? Or no? It's a full on It's a date man There are two There are two moments During the hour

Where you can say Please for the love of fucking God And he'll stop hitting you For a moment I'll go for it Just for the experience You get free water The entire time

You're getting hit in the face With the But you have to pay For the dinner With the mosquito What? That's bullshit experience. You get free water the entire time you're getting that face with the... You have to pay for the dinner with the mosquito. That's bullshit. You gotta pay for whatever the mosquito is getting. My time is worth at least somebody paying.

What's getting? Yeah, but it's not gonna eat that much of it. Don't worry about this, Jackie. Don't worry about this. Jesus has got this bill. Oh, hell yeah. And both Jake Treat and Fat Weasel on the chat both say day with a mosquito. Well, Fat Weasel knows best.

Always trust him. The mosquito knows way too much about folk music from the 60s. And loves to talk about it. I'm down with that. I was talking about the Weavers for hours. I'm changing my tune now. Yeah, right on. You kidding me?

I would hang out with Moschino. He knows a lot about folk music. Why not? One more thing that they say. As far as what you said earlier, asking what the prize is, for suffering, participants will be awarded

with the viewer's attention and symbolic prizes. So not a prize. Yeah, nothing. Symbolic prizes. You keep dirt you stand on. The organizers will also hold a competition

for the best barbecue, children's fashion competition, last peep tournament, and darkest labias. That might be the last peep tournament. I'm not sure if it's not. Darkest labias. That might be the last peep tournament. I'm not sure if it's not. Darkest labias?

I don't know how dark of a labia. I want to see. Because that means it's got to be sick. It's not about you, Jackie. Imagine a labia that's curdled, about to fall off. Like it's no good anymore. There's also an intelligent itch and a song contest. What's the intelligent

itch? No, it just says last peep tournament intelligent itch. It's in quotes. Intelligent itch and the song contest Comorin. I'm going to go with intelligent itch is a smart way to scratch yourself.

Yeah, scratch yourself. I wonder if somebody restrained you. You do the cross on the bite. Does that ever work? I mean, kind of, for like seconds. But it works. I'm looking for a long-term thing here. Cut it off.

Alright, we'll get down to Russia. Their Mosquito Festival only lasts another 28 hours or so, so make sure you hop on down there and enjoy that. Russia, hours are four hours each. Oh, okay. I got the old 56-hour day. Something like that, anyway. I don't know what intelligent itch is.

It's going to bother me for days. It doesn't matter, Marcus. We have to move on. For days? It's going to pop. It's probably the name of a song.'t matter Marcus We have to move on For days? It's gonna pop It's probably the name of a song Yeah No I googled it

Nothing I'm gonna have to Dang dang dang Intelligent itch Spread across On the bite Very musical episode Oh fuck dog

Thank you dog Oh, fuck dog. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Thank you, dog. Coming back to America. I'm getting road head all day in my road car. Yeah. It's the new hit single by the Bad Boys. Good God. All right.

To Illinois for our next story. Athletes at a Southern Illinois high school will keep the nickname the Freeburg Midgets despite the objections of a group representing people with dwarfism who find the name offensive. I've turned into an old man. I'm upset that I can no longer say the word retard or midget. I'm the old man. I hate it as I can no longer say the word retard or midget. I'm the old man. I hate it as a young person. I don't really care. I can lose midget

because there's a lot of other things you can call him. What are the things, Eddie? The Denver Nuggets. We're never going to have Peter Dinklage on this show. We'll have him on. His last name is a word you can call him. Yeah, Dinklage. this show. We'll have him on. His last name is a

word you can call him. Yeah, Dinklage. Yeah. He's a real dinky. Love him in the show. He's a dink of a

person. I guess there's a lot of names for retards, too, like Potato Head. Retard is the best one, though. Potato Head's for

the Irish. No, I think it's for a retard. No. Okay, date with a retard or date with a midget? I thought you were going to say Irish. All right. But what I want to know is we don't go on the date with the Irish.

Oh, my God. That is awful. That buffet will be out of potatoes for a week. Everything else will be fully stocked, though. Yep. They don't know how to eat. But the representing little people, this is what I'm wondering. This organization representing, we were talking about this before the show, I think midget isn't bad because I think it actually sounds more appropriate

than little person or dwarf. Yeah, little person's weird. Little person's demeaning as fuck sounding. And you know who's fucking going against it? The people that are doing it on behalf? The little people of America. I can't say it without giggling.

So they're for the term or they're against it? They're against it. The little people of America, they're asking Freeburg and a half dozen other schools nationwide to drop the name midgets. Do they know that? Half a dozen schools call themselves the midgets?

Yeah, that's so fucking weird. Like, how would you... That sounds like a fighting thing. That's not really a fighting name. Well, I just imagine some very paranoid principal. He's just like, alright, we're gonna name our fucking... Oh, God, what do I hate the most? Fucking midgets.

Well, isn't it like calling Pee-wee sports? Is it the same thing? Is it kids? Yeah. Well, Pee-wee is a fun kind of name for a little person. No, this is a high school. Right, I know that. Yeah, the mighty Freeburg midgets.

See, a lot of places, they name their teams after what they got a lot of around that part of the country. So maybe there's just a lot of midgets in this town. Well, what happens, the Freeburg nickname was coined nearly a hundred years ago by a reporter after he watched

the school's short basketball team beat much larger opponents. So it's done in respect, in reverence. Yeah, the mighty midgets of Freeburg. I mean, so was the Redskins, but you can't, you know. No, the Redskins wasn't. The owner of that team is a total racist. Well, I mean, no, when it was made, I mean, yeah, he'sskins, but we can't, you know. No, the Redskins wasn't. The owner of that team is a total racist. Well, I mean, no, when it was made, I mean, yeah, he's racist.

No, the Seminoles, for example, that's out of respect. I know, but he was like, what's scary to you? And he's like, the fucking Redskins are scary as hell. Yeah, well. That's how it started. Yes. We don't hear the Nords complaining about the Vikings. The Nords?

The Nords? Who the fuck are the Nords? Ragnar and his crew. Right. Vikings did win. The Nords. Right.

Everyone calls them the Nords. Here's the Freeburg. This is their logo. Can you make it bigger? Is it a tiny person? No, you can't actually. Whoa, whoa, wait. It's all bunched up there.

Yeah, that looks good. They gave him a big head. Come on. Well, that's just because he's a mascot. Every mascot has a big head. That's right. Does he also have like a, wait, does he have a blonde mustache or am I? I think it's a lady.

What? No. It looks like a cheerleader he have a blonde mustache Or am I I think it's a lady What No It looked like a cheerleader I don't think so He's got a boxer Yeah He's got boxing gloves He's got a little He's got a little

Blonde mustache on You know that's like Two feet away from you And you can't see it No it's further than that It's like you know Half a body It's like a midget's length of way

Yeah Wow There's a town called The Hope. There's one in Laurel Hills. The Fightin' Hobos. I think that's great. Dude, that's actually, I'd be fucking scared of a Fightin' Hobo. I didn't know there was an E on the end of Hobos.

If it's plural. I've never spelled it that way. I mean, you really got to watch out for the Fightin' Obos. The instrument? Yeah. I would like to see an oboe with boxing gloves on it. Wait, so there's a school with a team called the Fighting Hoboes? Yeah.

Okay, so they're not going to expect any type of hoboes to come in and be like, Oh, we don't appreciate that. Stop touching me! Yeah. They probably root for him. Wow. There was a, in North Dakota, there was a team that called themselves, and they held off until the 90s, the Wops. Wow.

Yeah, but that's a strong name. It's an Italian. It's an Italian. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, we mention it every three episodes or so. When I was, I was living in Texas, and the town right next to my town was Prosper, yeah, yeah. We mention it every three episodes or so. When I was, I was living in Texas, and the town right next to my town was Prosper, Texas, and their mascot for the high school was the Fighting Coons.

Yeah. And it was, it was. Raccoon, was it a raccoon though? It was like, it was really funny. It was like, it was clearly like they wanted to make sure that you didn't associate it with the horrible racial slur. So like as you went into the town, you just saw a big, giant billboard with a raccoon on it saying, like, fighting coons.

And you're just like, oh, yeah, well, so it's not so bad. And they're scary. It's funny. It's Frisco, actually. Oh, is it Frisco? Yeah, it's Frisco. Sorry, Frisco. Yeah, because I'm on this list of high school mascots, weird high school mascots.

I thought it was Prosper Texas. Yeah, and the Frisco fightingin' Coons come right after the Pekin, Illinois' Chinks. Oh, and what's that one all about? I think it's a play on their name. Peking. Peking, yeah. Peking, yeah.

They changed it to the Dragons in 1980. Oh, cool. The Dragons. That's fucking awesome. Why would you pick a stupid name like this? Don't you want your team to just be fucking awesome like the Dolphins? A Dolphin?

The only reason the Dolphins are allowed. Smartest mammal on the planet. It's a rapist. So are... So are Nords. I watched a bunch of Shark Week, actually. Every animal. Yeah.

Yeah, they'll just take it. Look out. There's the Hoopstown Corn Jerkers. I get that. They're farmers. Oh, I see. They named it before you realized it was weird. Yeah.

There's the Hereford White Faces. Hate those guys. But the White Faces, but that's a breed of cow. And in fact, my high school mascot was also a breed of cow. The Steers, the Rochester Steers. Sure, that makes sense. That's cool, though. Yeah, doesn't it sound cool?

All right. I like that. What is it, the Hertford white faces? Hertford white faces. Hertford white faces. That's kind of fun. I can't wear that shirt, though. And then there's the Robstown Cotton Pickers. The Cotton Pickers.

Ah, yeah. And what's that one all about? It just seems like a bad idea. Well, no, Cotton Texas leads the country and the world in cotton. I know, but look at the picture. It's an all-black team. No, they're not. You are blind.

They're all black. What happened to your eyes? He's huge. Oh, my God. That's what's wrong with casting in Hollywood. We're going to make an all-black movie. There's one black dude. Well.

He's big. Jesus. It's a big black guy I got in this movie. There's one black dude. Well. He's big. Jesus. It's a big black guy I got in this movie. Don't worry. All right. We'll settle the scores. That makes us not

institutionally racist. All right, Marcus. Good story. Yeah, let's move on to England. Let's go across the pond. All right, it's a Friday.

That's your accent there? Yeah, it's a Porn-a-Pide. the pond. That's your accent there? I'm losing my mind in this heat, man. It's hot, it's sweaty. Call me Betty because I'm sweaty as a fuck. We're going to get into British politics now.

Oh, guilty, not guilty. Fuck you, I'll fight you. That was Australian, though. A little Irish. No British accent yet. We haven't heard one. Prime Minister David Cameron has axed funding into aggressive seagulls, but he wants to have a, quote, big conversation about what to do with the birds

after the public outcry that ensued when they killed a pet dog. We're going to have a big conversation about this later. A big. This is what you tell your fucking kid after they shat themselves in class. Yeah. You know, and they had to be sent home

because you don't have enough money in your pants. So what happened? So a bunch of seagulls killed a dog, and now everyone wants to kill all the seagulls? Well, funding for the research project into the aggressive seagulls was axed as being too unimportant in the wake of the Tories' election

victory, but the outcry caused when gulls pecked to death a Yorkshire terrier named Roo. And it has prompted the Prime Minister to say he wanted action taken. Guys, can we just have a really quick moment for Rue? That bitch was asking for it.

God damn it! What the fuck, man? He's probably covered in some kind of like No, Rue was a fucking saint. You don't mess with some fucking goals. Man, goals will come at you, man. You ever tried to fucking steal money from a seagull? Fuck that. Fuck that stuff. I a seagull? Fuck that.

Fuck that. I hate seagulls with all of my heart. Why? But they are a good looking bird. They are. Strong chested. Majestic birds. I used to roll an agreement.

Yeah, I lived on a street my last place. Not in this place in Bushwick, but the last one. There was a bunch of seagulls that hung out on my block. I don't know why. They're fucking pain in the ass, man. They will steal a sandwich out of your hand. Are you guys being racist? Or are we talking about birds?

They're beach people. Oh, okay. Yeah, we grew up in Florida, not in the middle of the fucking country. Oh, I see. I enjoyed the seagulls on my block. Did you? Yeah. I fucking hate them, man.

I still don't think you're talking about birds. I feel like you're referencing people. No, it was the seagulls. They were one of the... I know you don't like seagulls, but this one was one of the good ones. It was one of the... Okay. Well, one of the good ones.

I see. One of the good ones. If I'm picking a seabird, I like a good pelican. Oh, I love a pelican. I like sandpipers. What do they do? They're the ones with the tiny feet prints all over. Sandpipers are one.

Sandpipers are really cute. Until they peck your dog to death. They don't. They the tiny feet prints all over. Sandpipers are one. Sandpipers are really cute. Until they peck your dog to death. They have tiny beaks. Until they're eating their own, beaking on their own pussies in front of you. Man, sandpipers could beak their own pussies. Oh, yeah. I'm sure they would if they understood how sex worked.

I like a gnarly crab. Let's talk about things we like about the beach. I like a beach ball and a plastic shovel. I love when they fucking cover it with concrete and they put a Wigmans on it. I love a good Wigmans. I wish the ocean were more mini malls.

Yep, could go for more of those. More of those. Prime Minister David Cameron told BBC Radio Cornwall, I think a big conversation needs to happen about this, and frankly, I think the people we need to listen to are the people who really understand this issue in Cornwall and the potential effect it is having.

I'm going to say you didn't say that in a British accent. I think a big conversation needs to happen about this, and frankly... How do you fucking do? I think it's time for fucking tea time, you brat. People who really understand this issue won't call a bunch of cunts. Oh, yeah.

Let's play slap the brat. And the potential effect it is having. And my cunt fell off last night. I got to sew its back zones to me. Oh, I love you, baby. All right. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen channels every SNL edition.

This is our BBC episode. Oh, yeah, I love it. Big butts and cunts. No, that's not what that is. Something British. I don't know what it is. I don't know. Might as well be.

They call them fannies in England. Big fannies and cunts. Yeah, they call pussies fannies. Hey, man, get a watch of your fanny. I thought fanny was for their butt. No, fanny, that's why they, when Americans are wearing fanny packs all the time, they thought it was very funny

because fanny is slang for pussy. Oh, really? Like a pussy pack. Yeah, a pussy pack. That's where you wore it anyway. Nobody wore it on their butt. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you put it on your butt, people are going to steal it.

But a fanny for the name of a vagina implies that they're queefing all the time, like some sort of bizarre solar machine. It should be called a front fanny. Yeah. Front fanny? Fanny for a vagina. Jackie? Natalie?

You guys have those? Fanny? How's your fanny, Jackie? My fanny's doing pretty great. It could use a fucking fanny, I'll tell you right now, because I've got sweat dripping. Oh my god. I would just spend a day in that

or go on a date with a fucking alligator. I'm going on a date with the alligator. No, a day in there. Wait, how long am I spending inside? I mean, Jackie would just owe me one, so it'd be fine. I mean, I'm sure there's an alligator inside of there. I want the alligator to come with. Yeah, exactly.

Apparently, Fanny comes from an early 18th century English erotic novel named Fanny Hill. So they just started referring to women's vaginas as fannies. Very old term. I think it's disgusting and disturbing. Natalie, do you want your vagina referenced as a fanny? I'd kind of like vaginas to be named after me. The Natalie. The Natties, yeah.

The Natties. Oh, that actually doesn't sound bad. Or jeans. Or jeans, either one. Fuck my jeans. Fuck my Natties. Fuck my jeans. Fuck my Natties.

Pardon, miss. Get a lick of your fanny. This is disgusting. I want to go and touch your Natalie. No. Natties. It sounds like trashy beer. Yeah, Nattie like.

It's not romantic. I'm not saying it's romantic. I think Natties is a better name for balls. Nattie. It's good for tits too. Natties. I don't want to be named after Natties. I don't want balls It's good for tits, too. Natties? Oh, shit. I don't want to be named after Natties.

I don't want Balls named after me. Yeah, Balls would be Numbles. Big Boy did it. Big Boy did it. That's Mumbles. And speaking of, yeah, and this Fat Weasel, speaking of Big Boy, said, I'd fan Jackie's fanny. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Fat Weasel will fan your fanny, Jackie. How do you feel? Oh my God, I've never been so happy my entire life. She's touching your breasts. I'm touching my breasts. She's touching her nannies. It's happening. I'm watching it happen.

They're all wet. And man, I would rather not a fan. I'd rather an air conditioner. So if you could fucking set that up right underneath my fucking pussy, that would be awesome. God damn. When putting a fan right at your fucking pussy, that would be awesome. God damn. When putting a band

right at your naked cock when it's so hot is the best feeling. Every day, man. I've been standing naked the second I get out of the shower right in front of like the full body fan I have in my room and it's the best. Everyone should do it. And it's a quick dry.

Don't even need a towel. Treat yourself like a car going through the wash. Make up. I've been cold this whole time. Really? You have so many clothes on right now. Yeah. I'm never hot.

I'm never hot. I think you might be a vampire. Bad blood circulation. Six foot seven. Going to die sooner than the average person. At least you're comfy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What are you going to do? All right. So the Brits are going to kill all the seagulls? They at least they're comfy. Oh, yeah. What are you going to do? All right. So the Brits are going to kill all the seagulls? They're going to try to. Uh-oh. But apparently the seagulls are on decline. The herring gull. That's the one that is causing the most problems.

It's like the boss fight. When those Brits come asking for our U.S. military to help them kill the seagulls, let's not do it. Excuse me, sir. I would love it if you could just send a... We still got a lot of seagulls. And we need to get rid of them. Yeah, man. We sent them to you.

Put me in a chomper, you fatty. Get away. Get away. You're not ready yet. You're not ready to talk to America. We put a bunch of Alka-Seltzers in bread. That'd get them. Yeah, let's go.

Go to bitches. That's right. If a 10-year-old kid from Tennessee knows how to kill a bird, I'm sure they can figure it out. Don't you just feed it rice? Yeah, I can't rice it. Yeah, rice. Regular rice.

Put that in bread. Anything that expands, right? They've got to talk to the fucking Chinese then. Yeah. No, I mean, no. You can talk to the Spanish. They use rice as well. They call it arroz.

No, I mean, no, you can talk to the Spanish. They use rice as well. They call it arroz. The herring gull is known, is classified as a large gull. Five foot wingspan on these fuckers. Hell yeah. Two feet in length, but they only go about two or three pounds. Holden's throat's called a large gull.

I've heard of that. They've got a clutch size of three. Holden, what's your clutch size, Holden? 69. Yeah, dude. I'm eating her out while she's fucking bonking on my bean bags. I'll tell you what, though.

No, a clutch meaning eggs. Eggs. They lay three eggs at a time, a clutch of eggs. I didn't know what a clutch was. 420, 420. Smoke weed, lay some fucking eggs while I'm fucking eating out of a woman's bags. I believe you've done that. Hell yeah, man.

Call me Get me over to your house Why would anybody do that? I don't know Folding a date with you A mosquito An alligator Or Jackie's fanny

I will Oh a date with me Where we're doing all four Yeah And Jackie's fanny Like enlarged As big as a person But with arms and legs and a personality.

Yeah, you gotta feed it. I want it to wear high heels. Yeah, and it likes spaghetti. It's got... Her clit looks like the head from a dinosaur that killed... Wait, which one likes spaghetti? Jackie's big six-foot fanny. Yes.

And it all looks like the dinosaur that killed the fat mailman from Seinfeld in Jurassic Park number one. All right. The Dilophosaurus. What are the downsides of the dates with the other animals that you mentioned? No, that's it. That's your only choice. Choose it.

You know mosquitoes and what alligators are up to. I like, I mean, okay, with Jackie's fanny liking spaghetti, that immediately gives us something in common because I like spaghetti. All right. We have something to talk about. Everyone likes spaghetti. We have something to talk about. Everyone likes spaghetti. My problem is if I'm going to go sit down with a mosquito and try to have a conversation with it, it'll be a nightmare.

Like, so, what do you like to watch on the old boob tube? And it just puts its little beak at you. You know what I'm saying? But the eye contact would be amazing. But what if these are... But if I talk with Jackie's fanny, then it's like, oh, you like spaghetti, I like spaghetti. No, no, I like spaghetti.

Release me. It's like they're kind of both mosquitoes in a way. But the alligator and the mosquito are both anthropomorphic. That means they can both hold conversations. Does the... Oh, okay. I'd go out with the alligator. You'd go out with the alligator and the mosquito are both anthropomorphic. That means they can both hold conversations. Does the... Oh, okay. I'd go out with the alligator. You'd go out with the alligator?

I love gators. That's some crazy... Gators got stories. Gators got stories. But, you know, gators are mean fuckers. Yeah. If you piss it off, maybe if you... I mean...

But if you treat it good, you could train it, you could feed it. Yeah, but what if you piss it off by something That you wouldn't think Would piss off an alligator Right Like what Like what Like eye contact Like it says it wants

To start wearing dresses Or like tutus Like it wants to be a ballerina And you're like You can't be a ballerina And he just flips out And he starts Start cleaning its eggs

You're gonna vote independent In the next election Or something Maybe you mention How you like the bear guy And he hates Bernie Sanders Yeah Not a big Bernie Sanders fan Not a big Bernie Sanders fan.

Not a big Bernie Sanders fan. Thinks he's going to just split the vote. Just imagine if you're just on a date with an alligator and you're just like, I got a motorcycle right out front.

Let's fucking hop on this rig. Because they can't hold on. But its little legs aren't going to be able to. Oh, dude. How fucking cool. No, it would sit in front of you. You'd be kind of holding,

like, you know what I'm saying? It's literally, it is mannequin all over again. That's the coolest thing. I just remembered this moment when I was a kid one time with my buddy Corey. Rode a motorcycle with an alligator. No, we stole a bunch of alligator eggs. We could have fucking died.

Just like thinking about that. Like, we went to an alligator's nest and stole the fucking eggs. That's mean. What did you do with them? I guess it is illegal. Yeah, I don't like this story, Ed. Wait, no, what were you planning on doing with these eggs, though? We threw them.

Oh, you threw them? Fucking garbage man. You're a garbage man. You're a garbage bastard. I was the best kid on the block. What was inside them? Little alligators. I mean, I didn't really look at it that much. What did you throw them at?

A house. Okay. At least it had a purpose. Like chicken eggs. I mean, really, it's just a biological Larson weapon. I mean, at least you had a... I'm not condoning it. I think it's a horrible thing to do.

I found a picture of an alligator on a motorcycle. See how badass that is? You would straddle the alligator. I fucking love this picture so much. I want that to be like my birthday cards for the upcoming year. Man, that alligator is fucking pissed. Wedding invitations, that's just going to fucking do it. Cool, man.

I guess we also have the raccoon riding the alligator. You will go fast. Normal picture. But real big on alligators here at CCR. How big are alligator eggs?

Are they the size of an ostrich? No, they're literally the size of chicken eggs. Yeah, they're not big at all. I picture something larger.

Yeah, I imagine them just bigger than like an ostrich. Yeah, like, no, not that. They're so tiny when they come out. Yeah, they're so tiny.

Yeah, they grow eventually exponentially that's the word thank you Jackie did you see that story about the guy a little bit off topic

but he brought in these two creatures that he thought were dogs and turns out they were bears but he raised them and they took them away from him

oh no they're bears uh oh they're not dogs you can't imagine how sweet that guy he probably would have eventually murdered him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, before then, it would have been just fucking adorable. Maybe they would have learned to love. Bears can love. I would love to see

that fucking movie where a guy just raises two cubs and just like, all through the years until he's just like 60 and then they just fucking maul him.

It's called Grizzly Man. I want to see it. He didn't raise them. He just lived with them in their habitat. Grizzly Man. Warner want to see it. He didn't raise him. He just lived with him in their habitat. Grizzly Man. Warner Hurt's song just rolled. Wait, do they actually show him getting killed by the bear?

I don't want to ruin it for you. Spoilers? Whatchamacallit, the brushing guy who does all the bear tricks with his bear that lives by him. You guys seen that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He plays the trumpet and sits in a chair and hula hoops and all that good stuff. Yep. The bear is just aggravated.

There it is. The whole time. Wait, did he kill his owner? No, it's the happiest thing in the world. He's going to fucking... Put it up on the board, Marcus. People will love this. This is great.

Let's see this bear, man. I want to see it up on the thing. In documentary news, I will also say I watched a great documentary called The Battle of Marjar. So check that out. Battle of Marjar? You guys can't hear it, but he's actually playing the trumpet. The bear is! Oh my God!

Now he's dancing with it and playing it. He's really funny, this bear. He's a great actor. You guys never seen this before? No! No, that's Daniel Day-Lewis. Oh, what a hero. Look, now he brings up the chair.

He hands the bear the chair. The bear's looking at it. He says, what do you do with it? He's picking it up, fumbling around like a bear does. Yeah, of course. He's just trying to figure out how to sit down. He's trying to murder the chair. No, he's not trying to murder the chair.

He wants to be friends with it. I'm going to shake this fucking chair. I will say, he's just shaking the chair now. This looks like a DUI test. Yeah, but also that dog is walking around. He's going to shake the dog to death next. now. This looks like a DUI test. Also, that dog is walking around. He's going to shake the dog to death next. It's a fun DUI test. Just hand someone a chair.

See what they do with it. Always sit in it. I'm surprised that German shepherds are allowed to be in Russia. There you go. And now he's sitting on top. This is how I used to sit in the chair when I was a child. And he crosses his arms. He's clapping. He's sitting in he crosses his arms. He's clapping.

He's sitting in a chair and clapping. He's too big for it. All right. I can't believe none of you have seen this great bear video. The name of the YouTube clip is Russian Bear Shows Off His Amazing Tricks. It only has 748,000 views. It needs to have 10 million. It really does.

It's one of the best things I've ever seen. Go to YouTube and find it. I honestly think the bear is totally out. Now he's hula hooping around his neck. While standing on two feet. Stop watching your TED Talks right now. Get rid of it. And just fucking watch this goddamn video.

He jumps while he's on two feet. It's great. It's the funniest thing. It's really making me happier. Now it's hip hula hooping. But also the strangest thing is this Russian bear who's showing off his amazing tricks. This is what the women should be doing, but they just have them get stung by mosquitoes. Seriously.

So it's just basically like bears have more fun in Russia than women? I honestly believe that's true. I think the bears have way more fun in Russia. You cannot have bear privileges. An alligator has an average clutch size of 48. That's a stock size. So you can only steal a couple of eggs. Yeah, we only stole like three or four, but there wasn't 48 eggs in that bank.

No, you're fine. All right, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Sounds like a plan. Staycations. We all love them. It's when we quit life, stayed home. For a couple days. Yeah.

It's when you're too broke to have a vacation. Yeah. But you don't want to go to work that week. Or you just, yeah. You're fired too, maybe. Maybe you got fired. It's called being unemployed. Marcus is going to have a staycation.

It's going to be super fun and we all have to plan it. Oh, house arrest could be a permanent staycation. House arrest is a bit of a staycation. If you want to give him a house, put him on house arrest, you can. You can do anything you want. Thanks. I'll think about it. That forces him in. So everybody is going to come up with a wonderful

staycation for Marcus, right? I think the first thing is we're going to spend the first day just kind of getting all the cum out, right? I mean, first thing is we're going to spend the first day just kind of getting all the cum out, right? I mean, that's what's good about it. So I'm going to say the staycation's going to last a long weekend. Okay, like four days? Four days. Four days. I think that's a

perfect time for a staycation. You might call out sick on the fifth day because you're so exhausted from it. Because it's, oh, oh, I need a vacation for my staycation. Yeah, I heard that. The first day is just going to be a jack-a-thon, right? I'm saying you're alone, dude. Lady's gone.

Everything's gone. We're going to get it all out. You're going to watch porn all day. All day long. Jerking it on. Jerking it off. All the Asian and black porn. How do you jerk it on?

Why do you say it like that? You can put a really big emphasis on black on that one. Black! Black woman. I'm gonna be watching some pornography featuring African American women. Yes, absolutely. During your staycation. During my staycation.

It's gonna come up. If you jerk off too much, that'll become a vacation. You want to be careful. So just jerking and jerking and jerking and jerking on the first day. Get nice and loaded at the end of the night. You know what I'm saying?

And get off whatever medication you're on. Oh, he can't get hard with that one. I'm sorry. No, I can get hard with I can get hard. I can get get hard with that. I'm sorry. No, I can get hard with... I can get hard. I can get hard, Ben. Okay. So we get off all the medication. But I'd have to get off of the medication like months beforehand because if I don't take it, I get intense withdrawals,

which would make it a horrible staycation. Yeah, yeah. We're taking it way before. Way before. Okay, so I'm full like... Day two, pad the walls walls fucking pull out the knives we're just gonna let you just fucking rough house your whole fucking pull out the bats pull out the guns pull out everything you know that's guns knives yeah what am i using these wonderful weapons well

i'm gonna bring you a bunch of fucking pinatas and stuffed animals and fucking just all sorts of furniture pieces that we don't give a fuck about anymore. We're going to take out all your good shit. That's what we're doing. You're hanging out with him? All the bad shit. No, no, no.

As he's sleeping, we're going to do this because it's his vacation. He gets it all to himself. You don't want to ruin it. Yeah. Don't want to ruin it. So we say,

no, I'll be a voice on an intercom. I'll be like, I feel like he's got to get back to work soon. You're going to fuck up all this stuff that we're going to remove at the end of the night or whatever right after, right? Can you put some liquid in, like when I beat something, can the liquid shoot out? Sure.

Can I ask you this, though? Can you fucking dig it? Yeah, dude. We're going to fucking, of course we're going to do that shit. All right. We're going to fucking do that shit. Day three, day three fucking limbo contest. Literally the entire day.

So it's going to be limbo, limbo, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And we're just going to keep trying to lower the bar. As soon as you hit the bar, we raise the bar. You go back through. Start the limbo contest over. Who am I competing against? Yourself. Your own self.

So he just does a limbo contest. The whole staycation is about him competing with himself. How many days is the staycation? Four days. Oh, my God. You might call out on the fifth. Take the fifth day just to rest. From the staycation.

Yes. Right. But the whole point was to rest. Day four. Not necessarily. Day four is for the howling man. Day four, you're going to howl at the moon. Okay.

For an entire 24 hours. How can I howl at the moon Okay For an entire 24 hours How can Howl at the moon for 24 hours Yeah Okay But what happens when the moon's not out It's a moon day The moon comes out in the sun

Yeah Okay so we gotta Okay so we gotta plan it around a moon day Yeah well definitely plan it around a moon day What do you think I'm fucking John F. Kennedy To get my brains blown out Of course we're gonna fucking plan it around a moon day

It was an accident, it turns out. It actually was. Yeah, yeah. We all know. We all know. It's a horrible tragedy. Jesus. There you go.

Every day I'm reminded of it, and I just fucking lose it. Day five, you call out sick, you just sleep. Okay. Can I go next? I got to pee-pee. All right. All right. I'm going to say, before your staycation, I want you to take a three-day vacation.

I don't care where you go. It's got nothing to do with me. Okay. Go to Texas, see your brothers and shit, and have a good time. But while you're gone, what we're going to be doing is we're going to be turning your home into a house of horror maze. Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you have not been in my apartment. It is very small. Oh, is it? Yes. Yeah, but just buy out all the other apartments in the building. The whole building. Good idea. And it is a horrifying building. Turns out they used to stuff homeless men in there eight to a room.

All right. It's got some bad juju to it. Yeah, so you already got ghosts, which is good for the haunted horror maze yeah yeah across the street from my apartment is a castle where they stuff all the mentally ill homeless men who have been thrown out of literally every other shelter in new york city well i'll make sure that they're screaming and they're banging on the windows and doors this whole four days they scream yeah you better believe they scream. Whether you want them to or not.

They don't know how to talk normally anymore. If they did, they probably would have a job. Their only communication is screaming. All right, I'm going to break off for two seconds. I was in San Francisco a couple of years ago, and as soon as dusk hits in San Francisco, homeless people are everywhere. I don't know what happened, but it's really crazy. I remember I was walking, just as dusk hits in San Francisco, homeless people are everywhere. I don't know what happens, but it's really crazy.

I remember I was walking, just as dusk was coming, and then there was a homeless guy across the street. He said, oh, you don't think I can scream? Oh, I can scream. Oh, I'm loud. I'm loud. I'm loud. It was just like, whoa!

It's amazing! So I'm going to hire him. He's got some competition, man. You just met my fucking father. And you can't say that he was lying. I love when people tell the truth. So we're going to take the upstairs place and basically we're going to empty it all out. We're going to take all the furniture.

We're even going to strip the paint off the walls and the finishing off the floors, and we're really going to splinter it and dirty it up. Right. And it's going to be, I'm going to put a guy, I'm going to put the, your shirt inspired me. I'm going to put the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family in there. Oh. And I'm going to let them just hang, chill, but I'm going to be like, I'm going to go

to them before while you're gone but be nice when Marcus shows up. You be nice, you hang out with Marcus and you treat him like you're in the family. You treat him like you're

in the family, you don't get the money. They'll listen. Good job. And so you get to hang out with the family. It's fantastic. For a whole,

you know, if you want. And then you go to the other, you go to the other room. Okay. And then there's that and then you go to the downstairs. We'll. That's fantastic. For a whole, you know, if you want. And then you go to the other, you go to the other room. Okay. And then there's that. And then you go to the downstairs. We'll say it's three,

three floors and a basement. There are four floors in my building, four apartments on each floor. All right. So two floors are filled with gremlins. We'll just knock that out. That's a lot of fun. Those guys know how to party.

And they're also, and they're going to leak into the other room. Oh, absolutely. You can't say keep them in there. They're're going to leak into the other rooms. Oh, absolutely. You can't keep them in there. They leak out. But Leatherface will be eating them, so it won't even matter. Boy, by day three.

And then we got the normal floor, which will be basically, it's going to be so hard for you to find your actual apartment. But once you do find it, you have all the anemones you need. You got your games. You got your... Whatever. I don't care about word sound. If I cared about word sound,

I wouldn't even know you people. Anemones are sea creatures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anemones. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you'll have sea monkeys as well. Yay! And so you'll be there.

You'll be having a good time with that. And you live in your life, you know, in your normal place. There's a good time with that. And you live in your life in your normal place. There's a good release from this. And then the basement, well... I mean, the basement is... Do you remember the road? Yeah.

It's that basement. It's the basement from the road. There's a terrifying little basement apartment there. Oh, yeah, yeah. So we're going to put all the albino baldies, cannibals down there. And you don't want to go, but just so you know they're there and it's a glass floor. Okay. So you can watch them and you can jerk off and you can tease them and shit.

And then there's a little thing where you'll have a giant aquarium filled with rats. Yeah. And you can put a rat in a little dumb later and send it down to them. And you watch them tear apart the rat. Oh, no, no, no. Can we use, actually, can we get one of those pneumatic tubes? Because those are really fun. Oh, like at the bank?

Like at the bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at the bank. Where I can put the rat in the pneumatic tube and press the button. It goes. All right. Well, I know I got to come over. Mr. Parks is feeding us today.

All right, so that's mine for you. I'm going to go pee-pee. Thank you, Ed. Creps. Oh, God. All right, so we got four days. All right, so first of all, yeah. It can be actually the length, whatever length you want it to be.

No more than five, though. No more than five? I can only leave here for five days at a time. I'm going to devote the first day to jerking off. And I'm going to be totally serious. I love jerking off. And I'm not going to – I'm going to be totally serious. Like I love jerking off. Okay. Being in like a four-year relationship, it's the one thing I really look forward to.

It is funny. It's like this vacation, the first day would generally be the jerking. Yeah. I mean I think – and then you just get it out. Yeah. Just get it done. When I get a day off, damn it. Yeah, exactly.

You're just like I got to – I'm just going to do this. Yeah. And usually when I'm like – say my girlfriend is out of town or something and I'll be home by myself, I'll just be like, I'll look up like shit that I'd never look up before. So that's your time to like maybe just look up weird shit. That's the time you're just like, I've never seen. That's what I was about to say. That's my job.

When I'm on my staycation, I'm going pretty vanilla, my friend. Think about the shit that you haven't seen yet. He's seen it all. I know. What do we got day two? I have other thoughts. Do we have to go through all the days? I know. It can be as long as

you want it to be. It can be whatever you want it to be. Basically, day two, I kickstarter a campaign to get just a fucking random celebrity to show up at your apartment and live there for the entire time that you're there. All right? So we're saying maybe somebody that's not too well-known, but is pretty... Like Michael Winslow from Police Academy.

That's kind of cool. Okay. Yeah, I just want him just to show up and just as As you're making coffee Just like Bloop bloop bloop What about Randy Quaid Get the fuck out of here Yeah Oh I love Randy Quaid Let's get Randy Quaid

I'm wondering how much That would cost Well he's not coming Into the country right now Because he says That the American government Is after him He has to be

Cousin Eddie The entire time No Just Randy Quaid himself Just Randy Quaid Yeah Oh god Yeah And him and his wife And then she can give him Blowjobs in the other room And I can listen to it Maybe we can... Cousin Eddie the entire time. No, just Randy Quaid himself. Just Randy Quaid? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, and him and his wife,

and then she can give him blowjobs in the other room, and I can listen to it. Everyone should watch the sex tape, by the way, of Randy Quaid and his wife. It's a great sex tape. He actually has one? Yeah. Yeah, Rupert Murdoch's involved.

Yeah. God, that's so funny. Day three. Day three. All right, day three. That's when you start to get Martin Sheen crazy and beginning Apocalypse Now. You know? Like, you're punching mirrors and shit. It's like once a month for me. Yeah, yeah, you know? That's when you start to get Martin Sheen crazy and beginning of Apocalypse Now.

Like you're punching mirrors and shit. It's like once a month for me. Yeah, yeah. I'm assuming also that you got liquid LSD. You're just taking a lot of liquid LSD. Dropping it with Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid. Next thing you know, you're just recreating what's the fucking movie you did with Jack Nicholson?

I can't remember. Anger Management. The last detail. Yeah, you just recreate Anger Management with Jack Nicholson. Okay, the last detail. With Randy Quaid. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of. So I'm recreating, so I have to take Randy...

You gotta be a sailor. Oh, I have to be a sailor and take Randy Quaid to prison? Yeah. Yeah. You all have a good time with him? Yeah. Yeah. All right. You'll have a good time with him in between. Yeah. Kissel.

All right. Our vacation is there is no staycation. We're recording all four days, Marcus. See, that's the thing. There is no time to rest. If it was up to Ben, I would never take a day off ever. No time to rest. No staycation.

Because Ben doesn't know how to enjoy things. I know how to enjoy things, and it involves talking into microphones. All right. No staycation. Because Ben doesn't know how to enjoy things. I know how to enjoy things and it involves talking into microphones. Alright, no staycation. Natalie. Mine's simple. All four days are going to be the same. It's going to be your apartment filled up almost to the

top with balls like in a ball pit Chuck E. Cheese style. You ate homeless guys. No pants. Actually, eight homeless guys, no pants. Actually, I think you should be wearing scuba suits. You get thrown in there together, and for four days it's getting slowly filled up with water, and you guys have to figure out how to get out

and also solve all your problems or die. That's fun. It's not bad. It's not bad. That's good. I want you to learn on your staycation. You know,

I mean, I do like, I do like to learn. Call me with the accent, but I love to learn. I like to yearn. Jackie.

All right. This is your final answer alright so I'm going to send you away for a day just wherever you want to go I'm going to give

you your bicycle you can go wherever you want to go you have the whole day to yourself you got a bike

while you're gone I love my bicycle he can't use it he can't get out of the house staycation doesn't mean you're in the house

he goes away for a day for a day so I can set up the house and staycation could be I mean I could still be going out and doing stuff here in the city. Not in this fucking staycation.

Okay, that sounds good. It sounds like in none of the staycations am I leaving the house once. You're not leaving the house. You want to be alone. Do you want to be alone? I want to be alone. Yeah, I can. That's what I imagine a staycation would be.

Well, one of them, I'm with you. Can I have some? We're working. Jackie, can you do that? Oh, we're working? You're coming by and we're working? Mostly you're working. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, but can I have someone deliver me the chicken and rice that I eat every day at the deli across the street? Yeah, and it's going to be Rob Zombie who does it. He's going to deliver my chicken and rice? Tell him extra hot sauce. I'll tell him extra hot sauce. And if you want him to stay, you can ask him to stay, but he doesn't have to stay if you

don't want him to stay. Because when you come back, I'm also going to make a big pot of my meat sauce i'm gonna have it in the fridge you can eat it for all days you can eat whatever you want i'm gonna have all i'm gonna get colin out of there i'm gonna put a bunch of logs in there and a chainsaw you can just fucking cut them up you can do whatever you want you can just hit and add fucking logs with a chainsaw yeah yeah yeah yeah in your room i'm gonna take out your bed i'm gonna have a whole add fucking logs with a chainsaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In your room, I'm going to take out your bed. I'm going to have a whole Velcro wall with a Velcro suit

and a trampoline so you can jump on the trampoline and jump up on the wall. You can do it as many times as you want. How do I get off, though? Okay, no, you have to have a stick.

No, you have to have a stick. Yeah, you have a stick where you push yourself off from the wall. Which is fun all in itself. That's going to be the funnest part. And then I'm also going to have the whole tricked out

system set up that I'm going to borrow from,nest part. And then I'm also going to have like the whole tricked out like system set up that I'm going to borrow from I don't know a blockbuster and have so that we can play whatever fucking video games you want. Does it?

I'm going to rent it out for you. Any video game. Any video game you want. That has ever been made. Any single one. I can play Splatterhouse and then I can switch and play Ocarina of Time.

It's all paid for on this magic box. And then I'm going to have a bunch of bones sent with a bunch of tools and things like that for you to create an exoskeleton made out of bones. And you can work on it if you want. But I've never figured out how. That's the thing is that now you have the time

in these four days to figure it out. That's a lot of pressure. Four days for an exoskeleton? You don't have to do all of it. No, no, no. I mean, an exoskeleton, that's a year at least. But it's the beginning process. The beginning.

I need to get it. It's mapping out. It's getting it. Well, that's the hardest part is mapping it out and knowing which bones to get. And then you just... It's a whole thing. I've been trying to figure out the exoskeleton

for a long fucking time now. And it's just not coming together. But anyways, I got a horse tail that I bought in New Mexico and some Indian paint, so I'm looking forward to that. It's going to be perfect. Jackie wins. Yeah. Hey, big winner.

Thank you, guys. Congratulations, Jackie. I have something to plug here, guys. Oh, man, hopefully it's not your fanny. It's not my fucking fanny because it has been plugged twice today already. I wanted to plug John Moreno, who is at Murderfest. Johnny boy! We've got a bunch of other people in Murderfest doing a bit of a show, a bit of a weird fucking show.

Oh, yeah. Two weeks at the pit. Two weeks at the pit. It's called Gary's Basement, and it's starting tomorrow night. Look it up. It's going to be at the pit for like a bunch of fucking days

over the next week. So Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays for the next two weeks. That's going to be a fucking awesome show. It's going to be awesome.

It's weird. It's like a four kids adult weird fucking show. I'm going not this week but next. Yeah, I'm going to go next week.

I'm going to go next Tuesday. If anyone wants to come with me that's the day I'm going to be there. I love it. Everybody should come. If anyone wants to come with me, that's the day I'm going to be there. I love it. Everybody should come out. Sounds great. Go support some live theater

right here in New York City with our friend John Moreno. Yeah, anything else to plug? August 6th, we got Too Fat at the Grand. That's right. August 6th, Too Fat at the Grand,

9 p.m., Williamsburg, Brooklyn. It's an amazingly fun time. August 3rd, I'm going to do that Red Eye show again. Are you really? On August 3rd?

That's so fast. Yeah. That 3rd. I'm going to do that Red Eye show again. Are you really on August 3rd? That's so fast. Yeah. That's amazing. And then, yeah, I guess that's, I don't know. What else is there? Go buy the Cowman album. Now available on iTunes. I got, well, I'm sorry.

The reviews for the Cowman album, by the way, have been amazing. Are they? There's reviews? Yeah. No, I mean, comments, you know. But reviews by people online that are very, some people are mad that they like it so much. They want to hate Holden so badly,

but then they're like, oh, goddammit. Well, you know. I got every second Saturday in the month at the Pit, we do Gas Station Horror, which is a comedy, improv theme. What time? 9.30 generally. Where? Upstairs or down? It's downstairs in the basement. So you're going to be going against us in October?

Fuck yeah. God damn, we're moving upstairs. Are you seriously? Yeah, 9.30 we're moving upstairs to the Stryker Murderfest. So we'll be competing. So if you go to the pit at 9.30 the second Saturday of the month, you will have a good show on either floor. Either floor, you're going to see some good shit. Make your choice.

Yeah. Natalie, anything going on? I mean, I know you have a lot going on. What's going on? Just follow me at TheNautiGene, and I'll post about my campaign to get vaginas changed into natties. Oh, yeah. All right.

Add 420SkrillexLover. That's great. All right. Also, I want to add 420 Skrillex lover. That's great. Find us all on Twitter. Eddie Toons. Add Eddie Toons underscore.

Oh, and you know, I know we've talked about before. Go down. If you haven't downloaded Jeff Ross, Rose Criminals Live from Browse

County Jail. Awesome. Do it. Go do it. Our iTunes numbers are dropping. We're at 60. I want to bump them back up.

Bump them back up. Give them up, guys. We did a great job with Eddie about that. So listen to that episode also. All right. And that's Jack the Worm. I'm at Ben Kissel on Twitter. My fanny's coming for you.

All right. Goodbye. See you soon.