The Roundtable of Gentlemen - The Rain Has Been Ceaseless and the Bugs Are Aplenty

Episode Date: August 3, 2015

Today on Round Table: a hitchhiking robot meets his untimely demise after less than two weeks in America, an octogenarian is arrested for copulating with a bush, and a Texan is almost killed when a bullet meant for an armadillo ricochets and strikes him in the jaw. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski and Travis Irvine!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You want to talk about politics, that's a problem. No, politics are very exciting. The Iran deal is very exciting.

Yes, it is if you're fucking halfway intelligent. The whole thing is boring and it's a bad idea for a show. It's a great idea for a show and the event is actually quite exciting. She's talking about being a nug. Yeah, dude. Why don't you talk about different car grills? quite exciting. She's talking about banging a nug. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not that long.

Why don't you talk about different car grills? That's exciting. Iran, more like go fuck itself. No, man. Henry, will you start off the show with a prayer, please?

Oh, absolutely. Iran's not a country. It is a country. Dear God who isn't there, go fuck yourself. You make kids sometimes born without a nose, and that's fucking dumb. And you know what?

The thing is that you don't even do that. Genetics does that. Because genetics is a cruel, cold-eyed fucking whore that just grinds people up. Is she busy? What? Is she busy? Yeah, you know, she loves people like you

with a nice smile and kind eyes. Sweet, sweet sweet evil fucking genetics all we are is a bunch of casket bookmarks you pieces of shit see you jesus christ but i fucking off myself well you won't see him you're a satanist so by definition when you do off yourself you won't be or you'll be sent as an assassin back up to heaven to kill Jesus that'd be so cool and I show up and be like oh Jesus

I'm so nice I was an A to Z he's just like I love Christian Milioti and then he goes to sleep at night and first thing I do is just fucking

lay my dick on his fucking forehead he's like ah yes a sleeping mask and then I stab him in the throat perfect you have to say amen

and then the prayer amen welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody thank you a prayers are over. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. A lot of energy. Alright, welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everyone. That was Henry Zebrowski, sitting in for Kevin Barnett. He's wearing a shirt with a nun sucking down a popsicle.

Kind of erotic. It's better than what they usually suck. Alright, so who's with us around this table? What do they usually suck? Oh my god, nuns? Carrot. Are you kidding me? I used to go to a bank, something like this, some bizarre bank, and they would always suck on the suckers and the popsicles and then try to give it to me.

What? Yeah, a bunch of nuns. Oh, there was also Sister Susan Bundy. Sister Susan Bundy, my typewriter teacher, she used to eat her own boogers, and so she'd suck on her finger quite often if there was a booger on it. And also Twinkies. Every nun should be hit by a car. No, no, no.

80%. My mom once told a bunch of nuns to fuck off because she stole their parking spot. Your mom has been doing a lot of illegal activities. She has been. Jackie, you're here? Yeah, I'm here. I've been looking doing a lot of illegal activities. She has been. Jackie, you're here? Yeah, I'm here.

I've been looking at a lot of pictures of girls. Not just specifically girls, but children born without faces. Man, they look like they were melted in a microwave. I fucking love it because it just makes me feel better about myself. They'll never have a chance. No, never. Even if they have a face transplant, I'll still actually look better than they do. Never gonna get it. That's actually not really true.

Never gonna get it. That's a theme song. In Vogue is amazing. Do they let them live? Yeah, yeah, they let them live. One kid without a face met another kid without a face and there was a video about it.

We just did a whole thing on fairies for Last Podcast on the left, and if a kid was born ugly in Scotland back in the day, they would burn it alive on a flaming hot shovel. Wow, so there's a lot of burning kids in Scotland. I can't believe they let some of those fuckers live. I think it was Ireland. Yeah, it was Ireland. Same fucking difference. Same difference actually makes more sense. Same difference is one of the more aggravating sentences in the United States.

It's not a sentence. It's a word. No, it's not a word. It's a phrase. I'll tell you what's even worse. Whatever. Ed, you're here. You were just at Lollapalooza.

How was that? Ed Larson, fresh from Lollapalooza, Party Central, USA. Give us the highlights. Paul McCartney sang Let It Be. That was fun. Was it bad? No, he was amazing. He killed, he crushed. Except the worst part about Paul McCartney was the fact that there

were so many kids there just to get selfies with Paul McCartney in the background. And that was very aggravating and they didn't know the songs and it's like, oh, it's weekend, you know, and stuff like that. That's another group that exists. What weekend who gives a shit exactly what are your other highlights uh sturgill simpson what else fuck yeah rock and roll go see black pistol fire hardcore death from above 1979 did you do a lot of drugs no man i just smoked i smoked a shit ton of weed so you did

well it's not a drug it is technically no it's not anymore alcohol is a shit ton of weed. So you did. Well, it's not drugs. It's not a drug. It is technically a drug. No, it's not drugs. Alcohol is a drug. So is weed. They're just ways of life. You're very argumentative today.

I'm not argumentative. Is it because of Iran? No. He's talking about Iran, which is a thing nobody gives a fuck about. Everybody cares about Iran. Don't talk to your lady about politics. You'll give her a fucking borgasm. We're homemakers. Ho! We're lighting the fires. Don't talk to your lady about politics. You'll give her a fucking borgasm. Hold it.

We're lighting the fires. We're taking the ship to pussy land. And that island's wet as a bitch. There's nobody on it. Just a big sarlacc. I ran so far away from the topic. From getting away from it. I hate the show.

All right, so you had a fun time. I had a great time. Wonderful. Alabama Shanks, Gary Clark Jr., Rocket Rose. Sturgill Simpson's good, but I'm a William Elliott Whitmore fan. So Spotify him. Yeah, well, Loves to Spooge on the chat said, take it easy, old man Kissel. Someone just got a yellow

card from Loves to Spooge. You know what Loves to Spooge? Maybe it's time for you to get a job and move out of my basement. Someone just got a splooge card. And guess what? It's an old one, so it is yellow. It's caressing.

God. I'm going to tell me, does he love to spooge or did you just like to spooge? Because it's different. He obviously loves to spooge. I love it. All right. What's your character at? Okay.

Happy birthday, Travis Irvine. What's going on? Thank you. How you doing, buddy? 32? 32? That sucks. Yeah, it's rough. I'm 33. It's fine. I'm 32. It's doing, buddy? 32? 32? That sucks. Yeah, it's real rough.

I'm 33. It's fine. Yeah, I'm 32. It's fine. I'm 32. It makes me sad every fucking day of my life. Man, y'all are fucking old as shit. How old's Kissel?

109? Are you Love Displooed? Jack, you're so funny. I love, I love Displooed. Well, you're also on the chat. That's nice. Travis, what have you learned in your 32 years? Top two things.

I've learned that Ben Kissel will always eat cereal on the toilet at 3 a.m. That's never going to change. I love roommate stories. I'll eat it at 2 a.m. I'll eat it at 1 a.m. That's where I love to splooge. I'm still young. And Jesus isn't real.

There we go Hell yeah That's basically real Robin is a fallacy Rock hard thunder Thunder in the night baby Didn't feel the heat Of the brimstone at your feet It's burning me alive

Yeah Mozart's gay I'm Bill Cosby Raped over 40 women Hey I think it's great I'm George Cosby. Raped over 40 women. I think it's great. I'm George Washington. Terrible impressions all around.

Metallica was pretty boring at Lollapalooza. Three stars. They brought a bunch of people on stage with them and there was just people standing on stage and they're all like old women who won a contest. And it was fucking garbage. Were there pyrotechnics? No.

McCartney had pyrotechnics. He lit up fireworks and flaming shit during, not let it be, it would be awesome to let it be. Day in the life. Tallica is all about the pyrotechnics. Yeah, no pyrotechnics. They fucking suck donkey nuts, man.

Man, Saint Anger, that's the best album I've ever heard. I don't care what anybody says. I like Saint Anger because it's when they lost their edge and that's when I like things most. I love that one song. This song is copyright. I love that song. Fuck you. You can't do what

you tell me. Yeah, Lars Ulrich, go ahead and sit on a fucking bucket and play with your fucking spoons all day. Hell yeah, killing in the name of. Three stars gets Metallica. Fuck yeah, man. Bulls on parade. Difference bands.

Those were actually the first two songs that were played before Metallica came on stage because they refused to come out on time. So they played Killing in the Name of and Bulls on Parade. Bring the motherfucking ruckus. And then they played ACDC and then they came on stage. Did Let It Be, was that good? Oh, it was fun, man. We all sang together, hold hands, you know.

The chick from Alabama Shakes came on saying get back. Good for her. How'd she look? I mean, she's big. Beautiful. Is she bigger than usual? I mean, you know, they're eating their way into early shaky grapes. That's fucking awesome.

I listened to Abbey Road on vinyl today, and it reminded me of Trippin' Balls with Henry and You Freakin' Out when She's So Heavy came on. I saw a celestial entity in the shape of the dude from The Big Lebowski who told me that Earth and reality is a series of 3D bits of information. She's really bad. Her brains are just a bunch of fucking operating systems. How college of an experience this is. Mushroom tea, man.

And then I got my fucking shoes off. And that means an orgasm. Hey, all right. I remember one time I was selling some kid weed, and he didn't have any money, so he gave me Blow. And I don't usually do Blow, and so I just did it all by myself and listened to Abbey Road four times in a row. And then I was convinced it was all written about blow. Probably was. That's my Abbey Road story.

I would like if Paul McCartney would have covered Killing in the Name Of. That would have been a hell of a song. I bet he'd do a better job than McCallica. I'm sure. I wish Paul McCartney would cover my forehead with jism. All right, Marcus, to a news story. Hitchhiking, it turns out, is no less dangerous for robots as it is for humans. Hitchbot, the beloved robot who bummed and thumbed its way across Canada and two European countries,

met its untimely demise in Philadelphia on Saturday. Thumbing his bum? What happened? Vandals took apart the Ontario-built robot, sending online photos of its disembodied parts to the project's creators. That's real-life chappy. This is amazing. Of course it got as far as Philly before they ripped it apart. Hey, you guys want to take this here robot and rape it?

Yeah, Philly, Philly, y'all, Philly, Philly. That's what they said the whole time they were ripping the robot apart. Ryerson University communications professor Frank Zeller, one of the two project leaders, said, someone ripped off the arms and the head is missing. And it's like it was just some sort of robot and not my boy. Because it was my boy to me and they just membered it. That's short for dismembered. Right.

I don't get it. So this thing, was it walking all across the country, all across the world? What was happening? Well, the Hitchbot thing, yeah. Who the fuck's gonna pick up a hitchhiking robot? Canadians. I would. It's all Canadians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hitchbot having conquered Canada and parts of Germany and the

Netherlands, took off for a coast-to-coast adventure in the U.S. beginning in Salem, Massachusetts two weeks ago. It only got to Philly? Yeah. It lasted two weeks.S. beginning in Salem, Massachusetts two weeks ago. It only got to Philly? It lasted two weeks. It lasted months in Canada. It was like a national treasure and everyone was taking pictures like, oh, look at the funny robot. And man, it lasted

fucking less than a month in America. This ain't Canada. It's a natural reaction, man. When the fucking robots take to the street, you fucking rip their arms and heads off. Oh, yeah, man. Because it's the idea, right? You earn a robot's trust, right? Because all robots start fucking innocent,

like Chappie did, right? And you earn its trust, and then you cut its cock. Are you spoiling Chappie for me right now? Chappie sucked. Chappie rocked. I love Chappie. Whatever. But it didn't have a cock.

Robots don't have cocks. I mean, they do if you give it one. Well, sure, but I don't think this one had a dick. I don't think't have a cock. Robots don't have cocks. They do if you give it one. Well, sure, but I don't think this one had a dick. I don't think it had a dong. Is it in the story? Along with bright red eyes and a wide smile on its fucking head. Hitchcock was born with a motherboard, tablet, and camera,

but its functions are programmed to allow for limited engagement with humans. How much money did this stupid shit cost? Oh, well, let me see here. I'll get back to you in just a second. How much money did this stupid shit cost? Oh, well, let me see here. I'll get back to you in just a second. How much money was wasted? Yeah, but it's Germany. Who gives a fuck? It's better than them fusing kids together again.

Take a fucking toaster, put a GoPro on it. Done. That's exactly what it was. Travis, you're driving down the street. You have a nice car. You see this robot. What are you going to do? Are you going to let it in or are you going to behead it? I'm going to hit it.

I'm just going to hit it with my car. Perfect. See, that's the American way. Looking for a ride. Just being like, oh, you want a ride? And then I'd be like, ass grass or fucking gas. That's right. And he's just like, I am a robot.

Have no money. Then I stick my dick in its gears. And that's its butt. That's probably a bad idea. Yeah, it's probably bad. I'll churn it off. Well, it depends what you're into. I forget about gears.

Yeah, how gears work. The clock, like Edward Scissorhands' dad's fucking house. What if you lube up the gears and then it's just like, you know when someone just kind of runs their teeth up and down your penis like it's a fucking skeleton xylophone? I think it's going gonna grind it to death. Yeah, it does feel good when that happens. Someone's going at it like a corncob

and they're like, oh, like it's a skeleton being electrified? The term for that is a bowser. What? Yeah. Cool. I heard a Gandalf is when a man fucking wraps his beard around your dick and jerks it off like that. Definitely, yeah. I heard that as well. I heard a Gandalf is when a man fucking wraps his beard around your dick and jerks it off like that. Definitely, yeah.

I heard that as well. I heard a fucking Legolas. Then he turns white. Yeah, because he shoots your fucking load all over you. And all your dreams come true. I am happy to hear that no one's charged with a crime, though. No. The hitchhiking robot.

Robots should have no life rights. You can kill a robot. What about destruction of property? Whose property is it? They sent it free. If you're sending it out, you gave it to fucking the road. If you sent your 16-year-old daughter out in Portland to go hitchhike to Seattle, whatever happens to...

What's that? I'm just kidding. What I'm saying is, bad parents. You said something upsetting about a girl. Yeah, what did you say? I was just asking if I couldn't get my girl back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's like one of those

purchases, non-returnable purchases. If you send a little girl out onto the road to be hitched, she is knife practice. She's gone. No one's going to find her

and bring her back? I mean, I'm sure that she told everybody that it was terrible where she came from and they think they're saving her. If you love something

and you let it go, it's going to be killed. Like Harry and the Hendersons. One of the greatest films of all time. Get out of here. We don't love you anymore. And then he's like, I'm Ben Kershaw. Oh my God.

The way that Charles Grodin spoke to me. John Lithgow. Whatever. I call him Charles Grodin. to me. John Lithgow. Whatever. I call him Charles Grodin. I'll never forgive him. Yeah. Oh, I loved that Beethoven. And Clifford.

Oh, I love Clifford. I knew you would. And Beethoven. Oh, who's going to get elected in a year? In the new presidential arena. I hope it's Robert Nippleton. Robert Nippleton has a good chance. I'm voting for Reagan.

I'm going to vote for the Democratic one. I'm going to vote for a pile of fucking rubber bands with a hat on top of it. Who gives a shit? Good choice. Donald Trump. Nothing's going to change. Policies stay the same.

Bought and sold since 1776. Fuck you, America. You've got a lot fatter under Obama, Holden. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know why? Because he's fucking not telling me to run for nothing. And I'm sitting here saying, Obama, why don't

you train me? Using your daughters. He spends all day teaching Melina to be some kind of sorceress woman. God knows what she does all day. It's Sasha to be a cat. He shows favoritism in the worst way. And she does that all fucking day long.

What kind of job is that? Leech on the fucking economy. Think about that. You want Obama to be like the cutscene in Mike Tyson's Punch Out? Like he's the black trainer and you're on the bike? Yeah, and I'm on the bike running from him. And I also think it'd be funny if Obama ever had a Bahama Mama because he'd be like, Obama, why are you drinking that Bahama Mama?

That would be kind of funny, Holden. See, now that's some political humor I like to hear. I can fucking get behind because I don't understand when they put the square cartoon with the words under it. I never know what they're talking about. Hell yeah, man. Why don't you tweet that out? Lupe Rodriguez!

Lupe, Lupe. Batting 89th. Baseball sucks. Baseball's an exciting sport if you watch it live and you're really drunk and you think it's going fast. Top four sports right now, Henry. Special Olympics. No, that's not a sport.

The javelin at the Special Olympics is two. Still one. When I put my garbage outside real fast and I have no clothes on. That's number three. And high lie. High lie. That's high lie.

High lie is a South Florida thing. Scoop ball. It's in the scoop and they fling it at each other. Yeah, it's a cue ball and it goes like 100 and something miles an hour. It's the most corrupt sport in the world. They should also call it fucking scoop ball.

Yeah, something simple, not something dumb and Iranian. There was a... It's pronounced high-li, but it's spelled J-A-I-A-L-A-I. High-li. I spell it S-E-X. That's right. Hot mama fucking out there in the court. One of the greatest high jumpers just snapped his neck,

and he's paralyzed now from jumping too high. So now for his birthday every year, he's going to get two big dudes to just go and throw him over a fence so he can just feel it again. That's kind of exciting. Well, better treatment than the robot got. Yeah, and the robot, by the way, made it 4,000 miles

across Canada, and America made it 323. USA! USA! USA! USA! Fucking Skynet's going down. Get your goddamn tin cans out of here. I can't believe we even let Arnold Schwarzenegger be a fucking governor. He was

terminated a all fucking time. Well, it's true. Chappy. Hey, yo, you coming Philly, robot? We take your fucking head, robot. I love it. And mounted on the wall, robot hunting should be the new big game hunting. Leave lions alone. Let's go kill all the robots. It's true.

You know, lion hunting wouldn't be a problem if we just kill all the lions. Well, that's what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah, slowly. That's why it's a problem. Ironically enough, your argument is literally the opposite. I heard this dentist was actually a really good conservationist. Yeah. The dentist is an idiot.

Because he was saving antelopes from lions. Yeah. I've heard that. And a whole series of villagers as well. I think we need to start killing dentists. Because dentists are the problem. Who is it? We talk about this on this podcast.

The dentists have the highest suicide rate of any occupation. Because everybody hates to see them. I thought it was truck drivers. No, it's dentists. Yeah, so no one likes going to the dentist. Because their job is so stressful. And it's all tiny. Yeah, and it's all difficult.

And everyone hates being there. So it's always depressing to work there. So like a proctologist, a buck doctor, they don't kill themselves as much as they do. Butt jokes. All day. They love smelling rim. What about all those hot dental hygienists? That doesn't make them happy? It's different. Dental hygienist.

Yeah, but they're working with a dentist. Yeah, but they're not there as your fuck slaves. They're your employees. What movies have I been watching? Porno movies. Porn films. Yeah. Porn films. Yeah. Pornography. Well, either way, Cecil the Lion, rest in peace.

You were a fine lion. His brother got killed, too. He didn't. That was a myth. That was a myth? Yeah, that was just some chick named Nissi was like, Ew, I'm going to start a rumor about the other lion getting killed. Lions are murderers. I think that's a part of the story we're not fucking talking about.

That's very true. But Cecil the lion was not a murderer. He was a friendly lion. He wasn't the nicest talking lion. You guys are all buying the fucking soap that the government's selling. I agree with that. I have to. I got to stay clean.

I have to clean my body. How many penguins die a year because people need tuxedos? 3,000. But you know tuxedos aren. How many penguins die a year because people need tuxedos? 3,000. But you know tuxedos aren't made from penguins. You show me a live penguin and I'll show you a tuxedo on a penguin. Well, tuxedos are the, that's just how their fur looks. Fur? I thought it was feathers.

Well, it's like a little fur. Okay. Like maybe I've never seen a penguin. God knows I haven't. I heard that if you skin a penguin, you can actually use it as a case for a smaller penguin. Ooh, that's got to be an exciting way to carry a dead penguin around. Recently, 43% of all penguin chick deaths are retributed to climate change, and it is expected to rise to 50% in the future.

That sounds like a bunch of fucking politic talking there. What is that, about Iran too? Who gives a shit? All right, wonderful, guys. Very nice conversation about climate change and Iran. Eddie's farts are to blame for most of climate change. All right. Yeah, I like music from the 80s.

Man, sometimes I just want to say, on round table, I may be purposefully ignorant, all right? And I'll say some things that are maybe, like, get people upset and maybe enrage people. My opinions can be controversial, but I do think that all lines should be dead.

And I think that tuxedos come from penguins. Denses also should be rounded up and put into camps. Ain't that America? You and me. Ain't that America? I'm gonna be free. It is.

It is. All right, wonderful. Well, that's Henry Zebrowski, and you can catch him A to Z Thursdays at 9 o'clock on NBC. Stu! Fucking turning Japanese is a song about masturbation. Jackie is a lady

who goes out on the streets every single day in New York City and is worried for her safety, her life, her wealth. Rape culture. How do you feel about rape culture? How do you feel about Cecil the Lion getting all the sympathy? Ah, you know, Zimbabwe. It's hot.

Very good. You zoned out completely. I had no idea what he was saying to you. I never listen to him. All I know is that... Who don't you listen to? Let's kill all the robots, guys. Let's bring it back to that conversation. How about that big...

You know what, Sam? What'd you tell us, baby? Come on, bring it. The dead giraffes. Because the giraffes aren't killers, and every time they take pictures of themselves next to the giraffes they killed, their tongues are always hanging out and they look like they're retarded. Well, that is sad. Don't tell trees that giraffes aren't killers. Giraffes have killed more trees than any human could ever imagine. I'm showing some pictures of that giraffes aren't killers. Giraffes have killed more trees than any human could ever imagine. I'm showing some pictures of dead giraffes. Jackie is correct.

There is a tongue hanging out. But their tongue always hangs out of their mouths. It's how they tell what time it is. You've got to be a bad hunter to not kill a giraffe. But also, fuck you for killing a giraffe. See, I'm sick of killing these things with guns. They should be killing them with grenades. Knives.

Knives. Small knives. Look at this picture of this cute baby hyena eating a giraffe from the inside out. He's in there. That's what he's supposed to do.

That's Whoopi Goldberg in that giraffe. You're being racist. Lion King. The hyena. What? Hyena from Lion King. Oh, Lion King.

Lion King. Lion, Lion King. Lion King is a funny movie. You know, someone tried to sue Disney because he said that they made all the hyenas black on purpose. Jesus Christ. They did. One was Cheech Marin. Well, so was the fucking king of all the animals. Yeah, but Mexican is the black of America. Oh, that's right.

All right. Well, no, it's not. Blacks are the blacks of America, and Mexicans are the Mexicans of America. Controversial opinions, but hey, man, I ain't for everybody. I'm me, and if you can't handle me at my best, you don't deserve me at my worst. That was very true and very right. Travis, your thoughts. What?

No, honestly, honestly, your thoughts. Just your thoughts. Just your thoughts. Just whatever it is Well, the giraffes have big tongues Because they got big necks Nailed it Best birthday ever, Travis?

32, baby 30 new I'm just ready for someone to ask me about my fucking thoughts I got nine thoughts right now Alright, we'll get to those later Four should be nine Three should be blue. Four should be nine. Nine should be four. Controversial thoughts.

Ten dogs equals should be called a leg. Sort of means kind of but if you're in Georgia that means very much please. You are so red right now you will pass out if you say another word. He's at five. He's got four more to go. Russia should be part China. Excellent.

Brown is definitely fine with me. I'm not having problems with that at the airport. What? Do not stop a man unless he is clearly speaking German. And Foundation of America comes down to four political events. You have just split. Which are? When Nixon found the time bomb. four political events. Oh, so you were just splitting your idea. When Nixon found the time bomb.

Oh, the time bomb, dude. Because that reset the clock and then we had all be bananas for that fucking six week period. It wasn't a bomb that would blow up a building. It was a bomb that would blow up time.

There you go. It was a bomb. It was an ointment. George Washington fucking learned the hanky panky on the tomb of the giants. Yeah. It was a bomb. It was an ointment. George Washington fucking learned the hanky-panky on the Tomb of the Giants. Yeah. That's actually true. Slander was called slander when Thomas Jefferson woke up his slave to remind him he needed

to go free and golf. Golf. Love golf. All right. Perfect. 30 new. 32, 30 new. 32, 30 new. 32, 30 new.

So the robot's dead. Robot's dead and gone. Died in Philly at the age of three. Alright, Marcus. So the robot's dead. It's very sad. We should move on. Cecil the Lion, rest in peace. An East Texas man was wounded after he fired a gun at an armadillo in his yard and the bullet

ricocheted back to hit him in the face. Get a better gun. Yeah, how does a gun at an armadillo in his yard, and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in the face. Get a better gun. Yeah, how does it not kill an armadillo? They got a shell. They got a big old shell. Yeah, they got a big shell. Yeah, but how hard is that shell? It was real hard.

Was it a.22? No, it was a.38 revolver. Wipe out these armadillos. As soon as they start organizing and get into our fucking government, you get one dude, one Lex Luthor guy to get a bunch of fucking armadillos. Bullets can't fucking stop them. They're going to be robbing banks and get into our fucking government you get one dude one Lex Luthor guy to get a bunch of fucking armadillos bolts can't fucking stop them

they're gonna be robbing banks and raping our women I say round them up and drop them off and you know where hell I run yeah

armadillos are amazing because really they're just sort of like walking toenails right they're mostly just you just scoop out the meat

yeah of course go up to an armadillo scoop out the meat. Yeah, of course. Go up to an armadillo, scoop out the meat, and then just gnash their brains. You can stomp on an armadillo's head and snap it. You're supposed to flip it out, flip it over,

and get out its belly. Yeah, you scoop it. And you tickle it to death. I watched one ball across the street and that was kind of fun. You could also jerk it off until it fucking obeys your every order. No, that's not true.

Better you make it laugh. And when it laughs, it's your best friend. Oh, yeah. How about that? The Aztec name for armadillo translates to turtle rabbit. Isn't that kind of fun? That's so much cuter than that. Just call them turtle rabbits. Or tabbit.

Tabbit. Rertle. Trabbit? Rertle. It'sbit? Rertle. It's a rertle? Is this now officially the worst radio show of all time? I think so. Sherbert.

I love a good armadillo, though. How amazing are these creatures? I don't think we give them enough respect. I mean, they have a man-made Kevlar vest, but they don't even need the man to make it. God created it for them. I love an armadillo. Me too. Our mother actually sent Henry and I

both a picture of an armadillo today out front on her lawn and her caption was, look at this armadillo searching for bugs. The rain has been ceaseless and the bugs are aplenty. Literally. Is this like a blue planet earth or whatever?

She fucking also said it to us. We don't fucking care. You should start caring, Jackie. Maybe if we skin all these Almeritos. Almeritos? Almeritos? All you gotta do is you gotta take every one of these Almeritos. You're gonna make fun of every time I say a word wrong. We're going to be here for a long time.

An armorita sounds like a martini. I'm saying you skin them, you sew it together, and you tie it to all the lions. An armorita sounds like a... This is what I'm saying. That's great. Armor is a lion. Good idea. Make all the lions like Batman.

Well, the armor is formed by its plates of dermal bone covered in relatively small overlapping epidermal scales called scutes. Oh, I love scutes. Armarita sounds like a margarita you get from Planned Parenthood. Am I right, people? They're selling baby arms. Hello. How are you?

Welcome to the show. I don't like armadillos. Why not? Why not? I think they're ugly. They are ugly. You're ugly. I have a good personality.

They're kind of cute. They're really cute. Are there any animals you like? I like dogs. Dogs are great. Dogs are great. All right. I agree with that.

So this jerk off went, he wanted to shoot an armadillo for no reason. The armadillo obviously never cheated, never did anything wrong to him. He didn't fuck his wife or anything like that. Do we know that for sure? Of course. Did he suck his wife? These armadillos don't have mouths large enough to suck a wife. How big is a clit?

Yeah, very tiny. It's hard to find. It's impossible to find. Yeah, it doesn't exist. Yeah, they got long tongues too. It's almost like you need an armadillo to find it. Ooh, that's good. Sniff it out.

I bet an armadillo would be good at eating pussy. No, they would not. Yeah, they got long tongues, too. It's almost like you need an armadillo to find it. Ooh, that's good. Sniff it out. I bet an armadillo would be good at eating puss. No, they would not. Yeah, they got little tongues. They got little snake tongues. Women like large tongues. Send me a turtle rat. No, it's a long tongue. It flips around.

You can reach it and inhale. You teach an armadillo the alphabet thing, and it'll be rocking a woman's world. Who would be better at eating puss? Armadillo or a giraffe? A giraffe. A giraffe. That's what I'm saying. I think.

That's not true. But on the other hand, I have felt a giraffe's tongue before. It's what I'm saying. That's not true. I have felt a giraffe's tongue before. It's very rough. It's like a cow's tongue. Was it going down on your fucking mother? Oh my god. That's a good joke. That's real good, Henry. Oh my god.

I'm going to put some fucking sunscreen on. Some ointment on your dick. You idiot. Funny. My god. I never thought I could laugh so a giraffe eating out Marcus' mom. That is funny.

On the second floor, too, because he can't get over there. That's right. She's on the second floor, the giraffe is on the second floor. Because your mama's been hanging the fucking pussy out the window waiting for a cat burglar to come. She's like, I'm going to keep him robbing the house by giving my goods for free. I'm going to rip your throat out.

Oh, I hope Mrs. Pox is out there. My tongue's feeling a little bit like it wants her cum. It's getting spicy on here. Good Lord. Travis. Temperature. Travis, thoughts? Any thoughts?

30 new? 30 true. All right. 30 true. Fuck yeah. Such a funny joke about the giraffe eating Mark's mom. Giraffe would eat out Ben's mom, but it can't reach all the way up there because she's so fucking big. I'm not loving the joke.

I don't get the bit. God damn, it's some kind of intensive burn unit happening. Yeah, holy lord. Go back in time and eat a fucking bitch out. That would be an amazing, like, you know, they have like a Law and Order CSI, Law and Order Intensive Burn Unit, where it's just like, Each episode is just 42 minutes. Yes, well, it looks like it's burnt.

One second I was fine, and then the next, I was fucking crazy burnt. Well, the man who was not identified went outside his home in Marietta, southwest of Texarkana at around 3 a.m. on Thursday morning. He spotted the armadillo on his property and opened fire. The Cass County Sheriff Larry Rowe said his wife was in the house. He went outside and took his.38 revolver

and shot three times at the armadillo. The animal's hard shell deflected at least one of the three bullets, which then struck the man's jaw. Good for that armadillo, and that wife has to divorce him. Oh, yeah. Did the armadillo die or no?

The status of the armadillo is unknown, but the sheriff said they didn't find any dead armadillo. Thank God. I'm so pro-armadillo in this story, it's ridiculous. I love how no one's knocking down this guy's door trying to find out who he is, even though he shot an armadillo for no reason. Well, nobody cares about the armadillo.

Why not? Because he didn't have a name. Yeah, he didn't have a name. Maybe we need to start protecting our armadillos from armed assault. They already do. Spend a couple million dollars doing that. Yeah. They already do that themselves.

We don't need to reform schools for kids. Whoa, we're getting way ticky right now. Is it getting deep? Yeah, way into the politics. Holden, school reform. Holden, what kind of school reforms would you like to see put in place right now this week? Put all the schools in Georgia.

Get all the kids out. Remove all adults from Georgia. Put all the schools in Georgia. Put all the prisons in... Oh, yeah. So create Neverland. What's a who gives a shit state iowa put all the jails in iowa each other yeah let's put all the prisons and schools in the same in the same place you can learn from the criminals jail kids from the age of four to the age of 18

yeah i actually love this idea work in a factory no learning if they want to learn they have to find books that are hidden in a fucking riddle passage. Yeah, they got to work their way through a sort of haunted riddle house. And they'll see like a figment of that is in their mother. And they're like, a man will come with a curved blade. And he's like, slit your mother's throat to learn math. And she's like, I made you. I made you. But if you're really curious about math, you'll slit that woman's throat.

You're just slightly worse than Hitler. If they graduate, right? Yeah, but there's still books in there. They're still going to learn if they really want to. And at the end, they get to play fucking Batman. This sounds like Indiana Jones at a template, too. Yes, but the idea is at the very end, it turns into the game, and you show up, and your mom's really alive,

and there's a big birthday party for you, and you get all the presents for the 18 years of birthdays that you didn't have. It would be awesome just to really have to deal with the mom having to deal with, oh, my son did slit my throat to learn math. But she should be so fucking proud of you

that you wanted to better yourself and not be a pussy. Because the problem is that if you don't kill your mother, you will be a lecture shock on the generals until you're sterile. And we take the top, smartest Mexicans from Mexico

and we give them a full scholarship to any college they want. I actually think that's very nice. I think that's a great idea. Lupe? Get him out of there? Thumbs up? Thumbs down? No, nothing. Nothing different from Mr.

Lupe Rodriguez! He didn't give a thumbs up or a thumbs down. That was just a noncommittal shrug. I think he's live-tweeting his show he don't even listen to. Guys, can I ask,

have I been inappropriate on the show? No. You've been a scoundrel. So I'm fun. I'm being cool. I'm Steve Urkel. Should I call up NBC and send them this episode? I was going to.

Stu. I apologize. My question ruined the past three minutes. What are you talking about? With Holden. What question was it? Oh, asking a serious question to Holden? No, it was a comical question.

School reform? Yeah, school reform. I thought it was a good answer. Yeah, make the Mexicans the highest powerful people on the planet. Yeah, mirror world riddled prisons. Give them all the money in the trucks. Oh, I'm so happy I moved the show along then. Yeah, very much so.

That's wonderful. All right, so the armadillo lives. The guy got shot in the jaw by his own bullet, and he lived. Yeah, he was airlifted, but he's in stable condition now, yeah. And had his jaw wired shut. Good. Yeah. Hey, so he can't go,

ho, ho, ho, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo anymore? Yeah, I used to work in Texarkana. Whole place smells like farts. Paper mills everywhere. Disgusting. What's your favorite program, do you think? What's the favorite show in Texarkana? Wait, is that The House That Dreaded Sundown?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, The Town That Dreaded Sundown. Good remake of that film. Really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible city. Worked there for a month. Didn't see one attractive person. Oh, yeah.

Like Pee-wee's Playhouse or something like that. Yeah, probably Pee-wee's Playhouse. Where else has a lot of ugly people? Boston. A lot of ugly people? Boston. A lot of ugly people in Boston. No, I've seen some hot people in Boston. Ed's mom's house. I don't know why I even talked to you.

What's a funny joke about your mom, Ed? All gay bets are loose. All gay bets are loose. What does that mean? Well, you don't want to find out. Missouri has some of the ugliest people I've ever seen. Missouri's a beautiful, beautiful state. Nebraska.

No, I like, they got good co-eds there and strong dudes. Yeah, they got those rootin' tootin' titty girls. Yeah. I love that one joke, though, about Ed's mom's house. It was good. God, that. Yeah. I love that one joke though about Ed's mom's house. It was good. God that was funny.

I enjoyed it. My goodness. Remember when Marcus's mom was on the top floor and the giraffe came and licked her pussy? It licked her pussy?

Yeah I remember that. He shared some words for his job. He was like here to deliver the mail. Yeah he was like yeah you're being a fucking slut giraffe mailman. Man was like, here to deliver the mail. Yeah, he was like, yeah, you're being a fucking slut, giraffe mailman.

Now, does your mom listen to the show? No, but my brothers do. Oh, great. Hello, Charlie. Charlie's going to come up here. I want to watch Charlie just kick the shit out of both of you. Just one shoe. Sorry, I apologize to Charlie.

Well, I'll let Charlie know. I fight with words. He just cuts your head off with a really small knife. Yep. The old Philadelphia robot. Cut that head right off. All right, great. So the armadillo's fine.

Yeah, armadillo's fine. As far as we know, armadillo, at least it just didn't die on the spot. Next story, we got a poo-poo story next. God damn it. Still kind of laughing about that Ed's mom joke. It's a good one. You know when you bend over backwards and try to eat your ass out while you're practicing sounding,

which is sticking a metal rod in you and hitting it? It's called Kissel's mom. I don't know. That was a good mom joke right there. It was really good one. Effortless. Don't get that. You agreed that it was effortless.

Not a bit of effort. The best joke anyone could ever play on a mother is hold it. Yeah. That's true. That's humor. That is a fun, practical joke to play on a parent. You're like, I've made a boy. He's got his whole life.

He'll do something with it. You do look currently as wet and slimy right now as you did when you were coming out of the womb. I couldn't. I am so moist right now. If anybody at home could see it, I wish you could. I'm just covered in wet. How was the skin tag operation? Good.

Did I not talk about that in the podcast? I got it removed. I was really hoping it was going to come soon. My girlfriend called it my dongle podcast? I got it removed. I was really hoping it was going to come soon. My girlfriend called it my dongle and I got it taken. It only took a little bit of time

they give you. They stab you with a little it was funny they were like, ew, ew, because it's right by my cock and it was just a big fat skin flap.

It got bigger and bigger and more discolored over the past couple weeks. Yeah, of course. Doing its best to not be a part of your body anymore. Exactly. It was, release me. Yeah, of course. Doing its best to not be a part of your body anymore. Exactly.

It was, release me. So I went to the doctor. Of course, it was two very attractive lady doctors that took care of me. She brought in help when she saw it. She said, it's a lot bigger than I thought it would be. They stabbed you with a needle to numb you up. I'm legitimately nauseous.

They chop, chop, chop, chop it off, and then they cauterize the wound. I asked to keep the dongle for you guys but they had to take it to the lab. They were very excited to send it to the lab. Alright, wonderful. Yeah, Jim on the chat, she says, so dry

right now. Yeah, good, Jim. If you were really wet right now, you're broken. Absolutely. How's Loves to splooge doing? Loves to splooge said, have some self-respect. Wipe yourself down. Loves to splooge has got some life advice. And then she said, oh, hang in there.

Thank you. Is loves to splooge a woman? I think loves to spooge. It's spooge, not splooge. Oh, no, that's cum. That's a male cum. That's a man's cum. Okay, well, I kind of thought spooging was more of a female ejaculate type of thing.

No, that's squirting. Well, I mean, there are different words for one thing. Was it splackle? Splackle? Spackle. Spackling. Splackling. Splackling.

Splackling. Grinny juice. Grinackling. Grinny juice. Grinny juice. Grinny juice. Is spunk in the trunk still on the chat? No, no spunk in the trunk. Isn't that sad? Oh, man, your mom stops listening.

God damn, we're on fire with this mother material. I'm sorry, man. That's dumb. That was dumb. I call myself out on that. My mother is a bump in the trunk. Travis' mom had sex with a bunch of guys.

How many you think, Travis? 32. 32. 30 years since he's been on this goddamn green fucking earth. Spinning rock we're all fucking strapped to. Bad luck. That's great.

Go on Twitter, Travis Irvine USA. Wish him a happy birthday. If you're on the chat right now, you can just go out there and do it. That would be very exciting. I'm getting a couple right now. Nope, that's Ben Kissel. Very good. Marcus, another story.

Authorities say a cyclist will be fined and could have to pay the full cost of extinguishing a 73-acre fire he inadvertently set in the foothills of Boise, Idaho, when he tried to burn his toilet paper after relieving himself in a ravine. The so-called Hull Fire was reported Wednesday afternoon and was contained by Wednesday night. The cyclist, who wasn't identified, thought

he was doing the right thing by disposing of the soiled paper so he wouldn't be littering, but an ember flew into some dry grass and quickly spread out of control. Carrie Bilbao, a spokeswoman for the Federal Bureau of Land Management, said, I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go, but in these fuel types, it's not a good idea. The fire center said human waste should be buried or removed

from fire-prone areas, or, as the fire dispatch center put it pack it in pack it out you moved the gravestones but you didn't move the poop that's not a little bill cosby my problem with all of that is fuck bikes and bear shit everywhere. Just leave it. I agree. But you know, this guy, he could have just wiped his ass with the dry grass. He could. I don't know. It's hard.

That's real weird and hard. You're going to get shit all over your fingers. Well, yeah, but then you wash them off in the stream. What stream? It's dry grass. There's got to be a stream. There's no stream. It's very dry grass.

You just made this a Minecraft game. I feel like there has to be a stream somewhere. There's no stream. You just made this a Minecraft game. I feel like there has to be a stream somewhere. There's trees around. You have no concept of nature. No. I don't. I don't assume nothing about streams. It comes down to you just got to leave your poo-poo.

Yeah, but you got to wipe. You can always just spit on your hands I always I wipe with toilet paper I bring toilet paper with me Yeah I say let it be Let it linger

Let it Let it You know Dingleberry God wipes me How With his With his breath

With his kiss So you don't You don't wipe His breath and his kiss You know That's what we could be using These fucking armadillos for. Toilet paper?

Doesn't that seem a little harsh? They already look like poo-poo. It doesn't matter. Their fucking shells can deflect bullets. It can rub your ass on it. Oh, yeah, so you want to rub your ass with a hard shell? God's crown. Sort of like a demolition man, but if instead of the three shells,

it was just three little armadillo babies. Yeah, yeah, and it'd just be going... Rubbing my rim on one of these armadillo tips. That could actually feel good. It's a bad idea. You know why? Why? Armadillo spread leprosy.

They do? Mm-hmm. What? That's the last place I want it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get leprosy from eating armadillos or by handling them or just pretty much any way that you come into contact with them.

So if an armadillo was going down on you as a woman and accidentally nipped inside your labes, you could get leprosy from it. You have to have a dental dam if an armadillo is sucking on your clit. That ruins the passion. I know, but I mean leprosy would also ruin the passion. Has anyone ever used a dental dam?

I've had a fruit roll-up before. I love a good fruit roll-up. Remember that fruit roll-ups? Yeah, you put it in there. I used to suck on the plastic afterwards. But seriously, has anyone ever used a dental dam? I used one one time. Dentists, that's what they do.

How was it? Did you like it? No, I mean, I think it ended up getting lost. Did you eat it? What happened? I don't know if I ate it, but I was full. Does the clit stick through like in one of those Jew sheets? Like a what?

You know the Jew sheets? The Jew sheets. Oh, that's right. The Jew sheets. That's okay to say. The dick hole for the Jew sheets. No, the whole point is that you're not supposed to have physical contact with the vagina. No, with the person.

With the person. But you can put your dick into the woman. No, I'm talking about the dental dam. Oh, that. Yeah. Yeah, that's the whole point of it. So it's just a sheet of plastic that you just lick against the pussy? Yeah, pretty much.

It's like a cellophane type thing. It's like a poncho for your tongue. Yeah. It's like a condom blanket. Was it recent or a long time ago? The last time I had a fruit roll-up? No, the dental dam. Oh, my God.

No, that was 15 years ago. Did you buy the dental dam or did she just have it? I bought it. It was given to me at a campus event when I was in university, and we thought it would be super fun to experiment with it. Back when Ben had long hair and listened to nothing but The Grateful Dead. Oh, yeah. In a good old day.

A big bus. Back before I was an old miser, according to loves to spooge. Real skinflint. Yeah, that was me. And no, she absolutely hated every single second of it. Of course. So we removed it, and then she left. Yeah.

So I think she loved the dental dam, though. Did she keep it, you think? I don't know. Maybe she just uses the same one the same way that old people have the same sniff towel or burger. Do you feel anything with it on? It's her lucky dental dam. It's her lucky dental dam. I mean, it was her mother's.

Yeah. There was actually a picture of her mother on it. Embroidered. It was engraved. As a matter of fact, I think it was a napkin I put over a pizza. Yeah. I think I was just eatingkin I put over a pizza. Yeah. I think I was just eating. He just ate the whole thing anyway.

Just to feed both purposes. Sometimes I roll pizza up into a tube and I just fucking press it against the back of my throat until I throw up. That's just like a Saturday. I'm being Italian. I put some parmesan on it. Some mozzarella or some ricotta some parmigiano on it.

Some mozzarella. Or some ricotta. A little bit of ricotta. Oh, another like a good morning. Sauce. Exciting. Oh. Real much.

Medica. Capigiano. Excuse me. Can I have a cup of coffee? Capigiano. What is that? Oh, it's coffee. Oh, wonderful. But we're from Queens, so we have a cup of coffee? What is that? Oh, it's coffee. Oh, wonderful.

But we're from Queens, so we have an Italian accent. Italian accent. I know their story. I don't know, but when were we on? We were on the guy, he took a shit and burned the toilet paper and it caused a big wildfire, and he's going to have to pay for it. I took a dump in a river once. It was the greatest dump I ever had.

This is why you were thinking about streams. Was I with you on that one? Yeah, so my girlfriend at the time was holding my hand. Yeah, that's right. I was present for Ben taking a shit in the river. Why was she holding your hand? To support me. Probably because you were going to fall otherwise? No, for emotional support.

Sometimes you get emotional when stuff's happening back there. Was there salmon in the river? There was that. I made a salmon in the river. Yeah, it was Ben and his girlfriend at the time. Ben was in the water taking a shit while his girlfriend at the time was holding his hand. I was making a romantic dookie. You were making a very romantic dookie while me and Jason Kephart stood around the fire

and tried to pretend like it wasn't happening. I'm so haunted by this story. I think she is too. Where is she? She died. Still in that river. It was a haunting trip for many different reasons.

What cool, good vacation. We almost died in a car wreck on that one. But on the other hand, the trip also had lots of zest. So I'm sure... What does Marcus mean by zest, though? Zest! Like a skull.

Remember when we were lighting a machete on fire and then just waving it around. I also walked around all the campsites with that machete and they thought I was hilarious. They were all like, I'm scared, I'm scared. They are getting the joke.

They were just totally getting it. Yeah, we had a real weird weekend. Y'all want this new news story? Let's do it. All right. A Connecticut octogenarian is facing criminal charges after he was spotted naked humping a bush outside his home. Wallace Berg.

His bush. Yep. Wallace Berg, 81, was arrested Monday on... You would be so offended. So immediately offended. That's his property. It is his property. Wallace Berg, 81,

was arrested Monday on public indecency in breach of peace charges in connection with the incident. According to cops, a neighbor called 911 to report that Berg was walking around his backyard in the nude and had communed with a bush. The neighbor who filmed Berg's antics and later showed the video to police

told cops that he confronted the old man. In response, Berg stopped the incident behavior, covered himself with a grow cover, apologized and then went into the house. Oh man, he fucking stopped too. All you had to do was say stop. He's an old man.

He doesn't know what he's doing. Get a better fence. What the fuck's wrong with these people? It's his property. You don't know. Well, while the backyard of Berg's modest ranch home is ringed by bushes, the plantings did not keep him out of view of onlookers. What?

Leave the guy alone and stop looking at his land. And he's 81 years old. He's a retired embalmer. He spent decades pumping dead people full of juices and shit and molding their faces. And this is the thanks he gets. This is the man that services the community. Right. I saw a guy jerking off in Union Square two weeks ago.

I told the cop and they laughed it off. Yeah. Well, yeah. He wasn't fucking a bush. Exactly. My question is, what's giving the push back? You know what I mean? What is pleasurable about fucking the bush?

You can grab on to some of the branches and he can just pull on the branches. He's 81 years old. It's a miracle he has a boner at all. He's used to corpses. He's used to hard, cold things. A bush is a perfect replacement. We got to teach him the thing where you take a Ziploc bag full of Vaseline and toss it in the microwave for a half a second to pull out.

That's a fucking jail pocket pussy. Yeah, the white trash pocket pussy. Is that real? Fleshlight. It's not, but don't do it. Don't do it. I tried it with hair gel once, and my pubes have always been very stylish ever since. I was about to say that.

They're very Tom Cruise. Yeah, I have the pompadour pubes. Got the duck tail going on rockabilly that's what happened to the microwave oh we don't talk about that

I got like you slice your finger on mine they're like those you know those scrubbers that you get

to get the real hard shit off the dishes yeah space pussy yeah space pussy well you know it's a metal scrubby yeah metal scrubby

but it looks like it looks like a pussy and if you stretch it out, you call it a space pussy. Steel wool? Steel wool pad? Steel wool. No, at no point did I think... It's a little asshole in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you stretch it out, it looks like a pussy, and because it's metal, you just call it a space pussy because everything in space is metal. It's a fun little joke we do in the kitchen. This is the kitchen of a restaurant? The Mexicans love it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if they understand what you're saying I think they're just worried you'll fire them

you're just sweaty and wild they know to laugh too that's so cute eggs erroneous I found a real interesting website it's called letsmasturbate.com inspired by Henry's microwave and the Vaseline

this one is a whole entry on sex with food dot com. Inspired by Henry's microwave and the Vaseline. This one, it's a whole entry on sex with food. How to masturbate with food. This one's called the Squidly Diddley. You masturbate using a squid. A slimy purplish squid. It'll feel just like your second

skin. Pull off its head and clean its insides. Slip your cock right into the squid, and start shaking until you blow your cum in it. That's the first one? You don't want to start off with a cucumber or a watermelon or something? Just use lotion. Wow, man.

Blow your cum, though. I bet you shoot like a fucking World War II missile. The next one's the quicker picker-upper. Is that bestiality? Technically, yeah. I think it is. I think it's only if an animal can make noises while you fuck it, it's bestiality.

I feel like, you know, if you're a gal... What's the crime for fucking a dead animal? The crime? Oh, I think it's bestiality and overall disgust. It's more of a social faux pas. Yeah, I think it's you have to come fastity and overall disgust. It's more of a social faux pas. Yeah, I think it's you have to come fast enough so no one catches you or else that's a real crime. Is it called necromancy? Necrobestiality?

That's a cool fucking metal name. Necrobestiality. If you're a giraffe, are you getting a dead giraffe to eat yourself out? Yeah. Oh, your tongue's just hanging out, you're just f, are you getting a dead giraffe to eat yourself out? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tongue just hanging out. You just flap it against your pussy. And it's all just like, all the songs are called Ride the Tongue and like, thank Satan, this giraffe is dead. How much do you think a giraffe tongue costs?

Oh, at least eight bucks. Free if you find it. For Cecil's. Yeah, Cecil was expensive. Cecil's is such a bad name for a lion It should be called like Gigantor Cecil's like a nerdy name Yeah it should be called like Melanta

They should have called it Lion the Giant Mugalutu Mugalutu you don't kill a Mugalutu Lion the Giant You don't kill that Cody or Bryant No that's a name This is my

lion, Madison. Oh, don't shoot it in the head. Cody is the biggest fucking douchebag kid name. It is. Every Cody is a rich shithead parent's child. Yeah, Cody's gonna go Holden. Holden. Making fun

of humans' names. Holden. Everyone remembers it. Everyone loves it. Well, everyone remembers it. Everyone says on the street, they're like, your name's Holden. Holden. Making fun of humans' names. Holden. Everyone remembers it. Everyone loves it. Well, everyone remembers it. Everyone says on the street, they're like, your name's Holden. I'm like, I've never met you before. They're like, big fan of all the things you do. I'm like, wow, thank you so much. Like, would you like to come with me to my mansion?

We'll have dinner. We'll fucking talk this through. And then they end up telling me if I can live out my dreams, they fund my movies. We go out. We make movies. But I got all the video games. Every game. Not a bit of this is real. My only goal in life is to

live longer than you so I can attend your funeral and laugh my ass off. What song are we doing? Can you play Ruby Soho? Yeah, I'll play whatever you want. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho. Just that over and over again?'s just that over and over again.

Yeah, just over and over again. I mean, yeah, I was thinking about I'm in love with the cocoa, like on repeat. Love with the cocoa. Baking soda. I got baking soda. Well, I think it's wonderful. If you're on a date with a man and he becomes erect in a fishery or in any sort of place where you buy fish, you have to leave him.

Yeah, I think so. I've also... I mean, I know we're all real hot right now. Yeah, I'm pretty low energy. And I know it's like it's summer days. Summer days are here. I got something for you. This one's called Frosty the Ass Man.

Okay. Tell me more about it. I'm going to eat. Curiouser and curiouser. Tell me more about it. I'm going to eat a stick of moon pop. Curiouser and curiouser. Use the ice cubes from a tray and ice up your asshole, letting it melt down a lot.

Yeah, it would, I bet. When your ass is good and numb, push the ice cube into yourself. I sometimes put two or three ice cubes in myself and let them melt inside me. I don't know. That sounds hard. Bad. I love it. It feels. It's hot and too cold. I'm not a glass of me. I don't know. That sounds hard. Bad. I love it. It feels. And too cold.

I'm not a glass of lemonade. I'm a man. I think it would backwards choke. I think it sounds wonderful. It feels so good to feel the cool, soothing sensation in my ass as I stroke. It isn't at all painful. Just make sure your ass is numbed well

before insertion. It's kind of fun because you feel like a Midwestern refrigerator. And then you can just kind of shit out the ice cubes into a drink. Any sexual process that involves first the place being numb can't be good. Oh, well, I disagree. It could be the best. Unless it's like my brain, then that's fine. If it is uncomfortable after insertion, sit on the toilet and it passes out easily.

Oh, that's cool. Now, there's a ton of them. There's cream-filled cupcakes, kebab sandwich, quote-unquote sandwich, watch it wiggle, cucumber craziness. What's watch it wiggle? That involves Jell-O. It's Bill Cosby's favorite method. That's not true. It's actually ironically...

Is this the onion? Yeah. It's actually cleaner and more appropriate than Bill Cosby's favorite method. That's not true. It's actually ironically... Is this the onion? Yeah. It's actually cleaner and more appropriate than Bill Cosby's Is it also just putting Jell-O up your asshole? First makes a batch of Jell-O

in a Ziploc bags. Then after it is set up, lube up your cock. Put the bag of Jell-O underneath your cow kitchen with the opening facing out. Open the Zip-Lock. Put your cock in.

Then close the lock as close to your cock as you can without pain. Fuck to your heart's delight. And if you're like me, you have something to eat after to cool you down and refresh you. I feel like this was the sights made by a 15-year-old named Collins. Yeah, I agree. Travis, your thoughts.

32, 30 poo. 32, 30 poo. Hey, all right. Then there's cucumber craziness. Then spam pussy, ripe melons, wonder bread, salami salami, the liver giver. Double the salami. Salami salami. Use a piece of bologna and put it in the microwave for a few seconds. Then put it in your hand and you're ready to go.

The smooth bologna feels a lot like a pussy. That is one of the most disgusting things I think I've ever heard. Is this website more offensive to Africa than a dentist killing a lion? Bob Wayans don't care about Cecil. Salami, salami! They want the dentist back. They want him to be extradited back to him.

Truly, do you think that it's just like a couple of truck drivers that sit around and have these sorts of conversations about how to build new, like, jerk-off fucking mechanisms? I mean, isn't that what we're kind of doing right now? Yeah, but we're not seriously. It's not like, I'll do you one better. Yeah, we're not workshopping. Are you sure?

You know what? No one's going to go home and get a big slab of bologna and put it in the microwave and rub it against their hard, bristly neck? No, I would never. No. I don't waste bologna. No. It's not like when you raise your voice like that, though. I would never. No. I don't waste bologna. No. It's not like when you raise your voice like that, though. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

But it's like... No way. It doesn't interest me. No. I wish my butthole could have teeth. Yeah. We're going to go to the bathroom real quick. There's the cucumber sleeve, the egg beater, the orange appeal, the butternut squash, the

advanced cucumber, the do your liver, advanced melon, kneading dough, honeydew, pickle me. Can we get that? It's just pickle me things. Pickle me. Advanced melon. What's the advanced melon? The advanced melon is a little bonus to add to the honeydew cantaloupe procedure. the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it.

Make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way into the quote-unquote vagina. Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke. Replace it over the hole on the outstroke. It's like a human breathing kind of thing. It feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back.

A very nice substitute for a blowjob. That is literally the saddest, most broken thing I've ever heard. They should change the name of this website to RapistGardener.com. Yeah, like home and sodomite. There's mac and cheese, please. Smooth and chunky. Salad maker. The most important meal of the day.

Breakfast? Squash it. Well, that's a pot of oatmeal. And it's just fucking a pot of oatmeal. Squash it. Cornish hen. Bake it with Crisco. There's not even a bunch of food.

And last of all, chunky style. Well, fucking peanut butter makes sense. Yeah, that's with Crisco. There's not even a technique. And last of all, Chunky Style. Well, fucking peanut butter makes sense. Yeah, that's fucking peanut butter. But it's messy with the peanut butter getting into the pubes, but this guy shaved off his to make it feel sensual. So a man went all the way through the process of shaving his own pubic hair so that it would feel better. What else is he fucking doing?

Get a prostitute! Shaving the pubic hair is your is he fucking doing? Get a prostitute! Shaving the pubic hair is your biggest issue with this? Get a prostitute! It's the thought. It's the fact that the man loves it. This is all research done on food stamps, for sure. Yeah, man. This guy doesn't...

I mean, if you're fucking peanut butter, you ain't got whore money. Yeah, but spaghetti squash people, though, they got whore money. Oh, I don't understand. So does he stuff a squash with spaghetti and then fuck it? No, spaghetti squash is a squash. Yeah, he says cook a spaghetti squash in the oven, cut a hole in the end large enough for your cock, pump away until you explode.

The poor gourd. The poor gourd? So the idea is that it's also supposed to be like you're raping a vegetable? So that's a part of it? Kind of, sort of. Is it like the fact that you're destroying it? Well, how was poor spelled? Was it P-O-O-R or P-O-U-R?

P-O-O-R. Oh, all right. P-O-U-R is grosser. Yeah, it is. Because it's poor Gord and then it's poor that it's ashamed that it's a fucking champagne glass and sharing it with your mother. It's to you and your mom sitting down drinking a glass of your fucking...

Where do you find this milk? I made it with my fucking dick on it. That milk I did before. Yeah, it was made out of fucking squash meat and my fucking dick fuel. Give me that glue. I want to drink some glue.

Dad, get out of my room. Hey, now it's time for a segment from Old McNally. Oh, no. Oh no. Blues music. Beautiful American pastime that the black man created. And we're going to sit here and we're going to appropriate

it to our own white culture. Yeah, all of us are white. So is Paul McCartney. And he made beautiful blues music. And he's extra white because he's British. Let It Be and Sgt. Pumpkin's Lonely Weedbeater Band. Oh, yeah, man. And I got the blues.

I got the blues. I got the blues. British blues, baby. I'm in the Beatles. So we're all going to come up with our own blues song for the masses. The song that is from the heart, that's from your feeling, you know? Yeah. And I'm going to start.

You can throw out a title, maybe a couple riffs of it or just what it's about. My blues song, it's called fucking make it up on the spot. I'm just kidding. No, it's called Bushfucker Prison Blues. And it's all about being in jail because you fucked a talking bush and raped that bush, and now all the child molesters are jealous of you because of how good your skin looks. All right. Very good.

Very good. Mine is called, mine would be called, I know something happened important on 9-11, but God help me, I can't remember it. And it's just about a guy going like, September 9th, I met my baby. And September 10th, I don't mean maybe. And September 11th, something happened, but I fell asleep and I woke up on the 12th. What happened only yesterday? I can't seem to put it all up

in my brain. Your whiteness made it country. It's definitely not blues. It actually sounds like Afternoon Delight. Better sleep on September than

September 11th but I can't Shit, I guess I should sing some more back to Steve. I will call it baloney fuck meat. And it's all about how my baloney left me

to go fuck another dude. And it's blues. I don't know how blues sound. My baloney left me to fuck another dude. I'll take care of it. All right. My baloney left me to go fuck another dude. Wait for the verse.

Yeah. My baloney left me. And now I'm fucking a different slice. I'm suicidal. All right. That is the blues. Travis,

your thoughts? That is a real end. All right, baloney, yeah, the baloney left me to fuck another dude. There we go.

Baloney fucks another. Travis, your thoughts. 30 blue. You can't just say that. I thought that was a great thing. I can't think too hard today. 30 blues, yeah. I got 30 blues.

You want me to do that one? Absolutely. Yeah, start me off with a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Well, now I'm 30 again It's been two goddamn years If I turn 30 once more It's gonna cry 30 tears

Yeah I know how to rhyme shit I can rhyme your shit too Cause let me tell you something. I got the 30 blues. Very well constructed. Actual song. Didn't sound like a different song. Certainly didn't sound like it was written by a 30 Jew.

Yeah. I was going to do that one last. Very nice Jackie Many people have said your name Dark in the night Jackie What is your blues tune?

It's called Squirt, Sweat, and Steers I think you can kind of get Where I'm going with this Honestly I do not I think it's about Riding a buffalo Until you come

Oh lord I was out Late last night So this is a black spiritual Getting laid over Cause you just put on Slave voice You know that right Well let's I don't know And I look Down south spiritual. You just put on slave voice.

You know that, right? I don't know. And I look down south and I'm getting kind of squirty and I look to the farm and I see somebody dirty. Look at that steer. I'm sweating and I'm

squirting. Looking at the steer. Sweating and squirting. Sweating and squirting. Squirting. Squirting and squirting. Sweating and squirting. I love it.

That's hot, Jackie. Oh, God, help me. That's great. You're a front runner. Edward Larson, For the Steal. I'm real bad at songs Ed Larson It's weird though

You're just You have a beautiful voice And the compositions you've read Have always moved me Fresh from Lollapalooza China stole my weed blues Okay Yeah

What's it about? I don't know I was gonna try and sing I got this big bitch She used to wrestle. And she grabbed my weed. And she put up a big tussle. She's got a huge clit.

We hollowed it out. Connie got racist towards the end there. There's nothing racist about their language. I think it's your language. I did it about China the wrestler, so I wouldn't be racist. Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah, you guys didn't get that? China with the country.

No. No, no. China with a Y. You got to say China with a Y. I said big clit. I figured everyone would get it. Yeah. I just thought you were talking about clits.

He said wrestler. He said Big Clint. It's not Ed's fault that you guys don't know how to interpret music. You know what, Marcus? I say this right now. All you've got to do is let it be. Let it be. Let it be.

Let it be. This is bad. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. This is bad. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. All right, Marcus, your choice.

It's 107 degrees in here. It is so hot. Sweaty squirty. All right, Jackie Zabrowski. I think that's a controversial choice, but I'll allow it. She got me with the Tom Waits. As Jim on the chat says, she has the Tom Waits sound. This really captured my heart and started with that.

Tom Waits is a man. That man is a coward. The man who said that on the chat. That's a woman. Damn. Then she's fine. She's beautiful. All right, so that's been this week's roundtable of gentlemen.

We were all dumber. What did we learn? Nothing. Like, literally, absolutely. I know that Iran is really boring. Yeah, and everybody hates it. And we learned how to fuck a bunch of food. Yeah, we did learn how to have sex with food.

We learned that Paul McCartney's Chinese. Yeah. That's untrue. Do you guys want to know where to spew your goo? No. From letsmasturbate.com. It's got a whole lot of different suggestions. What, they make catchers out of food, too?

In a tissue, in a wet washcloth, in a sock, in a t-shirt, in a plastic bag, in a condom, in the plants, into the toilet. In the pants. In your room. In the shower. Just don't go to their house. In a scrapbook, in an ice cube tray, in a shot glass. I want this guy's address.

This is where you can splooge goo? Mm-hmm. The aftermath, what you do. The aftermath. He's never touched a woman. No, he indefinitely hasn't. Jack Ezebrowski. She's on Twitter at Jack the Worm.

Of course, you can find Eddie at Eddie Tunes. Marcus at Marcus Parks. PlayStation Network tag is catcher6945. Really? Yeah. Throwing it out there. Henry Zebrowski's, Henry loves you. Travis Irvine's at Travis Irvine USA.

I'm at Ben Kissel. Thank you guys so much for listening to the program. We have some people who are sitting in studio. I've completely forgot their names because I don't even know my own right now. Patrick and Ariana. Patrick and Ariana. Patrick and Ariana. So thank you, Patrick and Ariana, for being here.

Any words you would like to say into the microphone? Patrick is coming to the mic. Patrick, your number one most favorite moment of the show tonight? Team Trump. Team Trump! Whoa! I'm reinvigorated. Trump links.

Whoa! Double Trump! Double Trump. Damn. I took a Trump link earlier today. Ah, that's the shit. Your pretty face is going to hell. 12.15 is Sunday nights on Adult Swim.

How many more are left? There is ten more. Ten more? Wow. That's a lot, man. Yeah, watch it, you pieces of shit. I've been trying to. Watch it.

It's not on demand. It's hard to find. Mike Epps is also here. This is very nice. And go buy the Calman album, now available on iTunes. And Too Fat is this Thursday at the Grand, 9 p.m.

I'll be moderating a panel about women in economy up at Columbia University with Bonnie McFarlane on August 5th, Wednesday, 7 p.m. Are you going to play this episode? You're moderating the panel? Someone thought I was an academic.

So I'll see you there. That happened to me once. That's great. All right, that's great. Thanks for supporting all the shows. Listen to Brighter Side, Top Hat, Sex and Other Human Activity. 30 Goo.

Sex and Other Human Activity. Last podcast. 30 Shoe. Ooh, you guys. Can I have? You try to help everybody. Page seven. I just listened to you

try to plug everybody's show and they wouldn't allow it. No one cares about me. Listen to Bush Rapers coming next Tuesday to Fox. That's not a show. It's all 30 Screw. Yeah.

30 Screw. 30 Boo. All right. Ooh, that's a good one. Last podcast. Let's get out of here. It's really hot. Yep, it's fucking hot.

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